Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 111 - Andrew is a Total Commitment Phobe

Episode Date: February 1, 2016

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Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your Greek black lie. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kay and Tommy. Hey, welcome to speaking on this podcast with Kathy.

I'm going to start with the intro, but I have a, this is going to be my intro to the show as well as my interest to my guest because today I have a guest in studio, right? And when I used to say in studio and that we're taping up my apartment, it was true. No, that was a studio, but this isn't a studio, but this is my studio. But it really is my apartment, but it's not a studio apartment anymore. No, it's huge. Right, and it's really nice. So I have somebody here. We'll talk about him in a second,

but I just want to give you my intro that I have to do on my podcast, which is if you want to follow the show on Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous, or follow me at Cartoon Therapy. If you want to buy my book, I gave my guest my book, who's here today. I pass them out to my friends who come to my apartment. It's on Amazon.com. It's called The Cartoon Miss Adventures of a Total Trainwreck.

I had a girl on Twitter. Don Burry, I think, was her name. I wish I really should probably get her name for my phone. But she was very nice and she tweeted me that she finally bought my book. And she's really excited to get it. So that always makes me happy. I love what my listener is bought my book. So you could buy my book on Amazon.

It's kind of funny. It's like a bathroom book. It's like a book that I always pictured would be sold in urban outfiters. You know, it's kind of like that kind of book. Right, Andrew? Right. Let me ask you, the name Train Rec. Did you know the movie was going to come out?

No, I named it way before. That is the best coincidence ever. I know. It's funny because I, did not. If you look at when I published it and put it on, it's like November 2014. Yeah. Okay. That movie didn't come out till whenever. I changed the name though. It used to be the cartoon, the cartoon therapy in my life with guys. And that's why my name and somebody was like, why would you ever use the word therapy? And it's such a, and you know, it doesn't really ring.

The title didn't sort of go with the vibe of the book because of the vibe, you know, right? Yes. The Viguerrecks great. Yeah, the cartoon misadventures of a total train rack. And I love the tagline. It's a bunch of love gone very wrong stories. And that's really what it is. It's just one relationship story after another. And they're all horrible every last one of them. There's not one good relationship.

Well, first I thought I wanted to be in the book, but now I feel like it's better if I was not in the book. But I would have loved to hear what you wrote about me. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, it's just funny. I just tell the truth in the book. And it is a true story. I mean, you can't make this shit up. That's what I always say I love reality TV because I think real life is fascinating and

hilarious and regular people are fascinating and hilarious and that's why I do my show. I love picking apart people. And the reason I'm having Andrew on, he was a guest. He came over just to meet my baby and I was like, I'm going to get him on tape because he's always, it's always easy to get into a really killer conversation with you. And I think you're, you know, a weirdo in the way that I would like to pick your right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Andrew, by the way, has been on my show before. You could listen to his first podcast and learn all about him as a professional and find you. out how you too can get girls naked in your apartment because that's what Andrew does. He's a guy

who had a playboy show. He has some books out called naked happy people because what he does is he's a photographer. No, what's the name? Naked happy girls. Oh, I'm sorry. All right. You don't get a guy's naked. Once in a while, but the book's naked happy girls and people usually say happy naked girls and either one is fine. Right, but no, that's a very, you really need to correct me if I give the wrong title of your book. Don't feel bad about that. No, not at all. That's really pathetic of me to say the wrong thing. People girls is different. Happy naked, naked, happy. I don't find that much different. No, you're totally right. Okay, so, but he's got these books out. He's got a website, right? Yes. Naked happy girls. Well, I use my Vimeo page. It's Vimeo.com slash naked happy girls because I do more

videos and I mix still pictures in. Right. Tell little stories about what it's like to visit a naked happy girl. Yeah, so if you want to jerk off to his videos, trust me, like they're jerk off. It's jerk off material. For sure, it can be because he does take, I think there's a voyeuristic sort of quality about it. For people that are into that kind of porn, right? If you're looking for that, I mean, you meet a girl, total stranger, kind of like my show, I get a total stranger on the phone and then I interview them. You meet a total stranger on the street. Yes.

You talk yourself into getting her naked at a location of her choice. Most of the time you prefer to be at their apartment. Yes. Because you get really good shots there. They feel more comfortable. We're not going to get totally into that because we get into all that stuff on your other podcast. Sure. And then you go to their apartment most of the time and you take, they have, they take

goes off and you take pictures and your pictures are really amazing. You see beauty in all kinds of women, which I think is great. Right. But I mean, they're tasteful. It's not like a hustler and it's not playboy. It's a little arty, but they're hot. And your videos, just let me finish, on Vimeo are even hotter because you really see you talking to the girls and they're taking off their clothes and they're getting naked and you're seeing them for the first time. Most of the time it's the first time they're doing something like this. So I think guys could jerk off to those. Okay. I'll buy that. Okay. I mean, come on. You probably wouldn't because you're been doing it for so long, but I think other people would.

Yes. So if you want good voyeuristic jerk off material, go to his thing. But if you also want to see his stuff, it's very arty and it's very beautiful, right? And it's addictive. Once you see one, you want to go to the other. Oh, let me see what the Indian like. Oh, the black one, the owl run, the Jewish one, the Catholic one. And it's just, next thing you know, you've seen all 42.

Yeah. And what makes you a great photographer and a great artist is that because you see the beauty in everyone, you really capture that, you know, I mean, Tits come in all different shapes and sizes and you make them all look amazing. I mean, the girls in your book are not like a playboy girls, right? They're all different weights, colors, everything, right? Yeah. And, but they're all pretty beautiful. Like, you make them all beautiful. Although my third book, which is naked coast to coast, had a lot of women from San Francisco who wanted to be playboy playmates. And that's where we found them. They had auditioned for it. And they weren't quite up to par. But I got to pick 20 out of 70,

and I went, I like these. So they were still pretty hot, yet not Playboy winners. Right. So they were easier to make hot. But you have a lot of women that I think, like some people would maybe think walking down the street that they're not hot. But you make them beautiful in your book. That's why it's more artistic. Yeah, I'll buy that.

And I feel like my eye is good at judging, like, who would really look good where someone else might go, I don't know. She looks kind of nerdy. And I'm like, yeah, but look at that body and look at the way she moves and carries herself. She will make great pictures. Right. I bet you I could be a scout for you. Like I could find those people too.

I see that stuff of people. I'd be very happy to have you with a scout. No, I have my own shit to do. But anyway, let's get back to this. I mean, what I do is a little bit sort of similar to you. Like I said, I get strangers. You're not a stranger, but me and you would go bike riding in the summer, right? And we would talk while we biked.

We did. Mostly you talking, but yes. No, I don't let you talk back. Sure. What do you mean? Sure. Don't bullshit. Yeah, and I'd put it at 70-30.

That's totally cool for you to tell the truth. Yes. Did you did 70 30 that's bullshit 60 40 okay come on it's not 50 50 no okay 60 40 maybe yeah okay or maybe even 65 35 35 yeah I'll buy that okay but not what did you say first 70 30 yeah bullshit come on 65 70 whatever okay you're right it just sounds better anyway um and we would just talk while we rode and you know talk about all different kinds of things and because I like to get personal with people right I would always try to get personal and dig in you because you're how old do you want to out your age oh I'm 50s 51 and a half. 51 and a half. And you've never been married. Correct. You've never even really had a girlfriend.

No, I've had girlfriends. It's just short periods of time. Yeah. Not more than six months. Right. In your whole fucking life. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a little weird. If you want to call it weird or like, that's a little bit different. Yes. Let's say use different instead of weird. Definitely different. Even though weird is the correct word. Okay. Or dysfunction.

Yes. Right. And so one time. And I like to probe you about that part of your life. As a commitment fob, myself. Yeah. Okay.

I could smell my people. I know my people, right, from a mile away. I don't care what degrees it is. I think you're worse than me and the degree of, if we had to put degrees to it, you have it more. But probably because you're a man and men have it a little bit naturally, right? And then you have the dysfunction, which gives it to you on top of it, which makes you worse than me.

Maybe if I was a man with my regular dysfunction, I'd be at the same ratio as you. I don't know. This is why it's 65. I might be dysfunctional, but every day come to 3 o'clock. I'm very functional in my own. home, if you know what I'm saying. And it keeps me regular and very happy. Okay, I don't know what you're talking about. Oh, you're jerking off? Yeah. It doesn't have to do with anything. So, because you're by yourself. But no, so that's why I'm so happy to be single.

So I personally, this is why I wanted you to talk because I like to grill you, but I think commitment phobia is like a big problem that a lot of people have. I think we all know. I mean, because I am when I think like birds of the feather flock together, right? Like I know a lot of people, a lot of my friends have it and maybe other people that aren't. They don't know people. I don't know if that's the way it works or a ton of people are. I just happen to know a lot of people that have comitin phobia. So I think it's like a really good topic. And what I thought was like really hilarious one day is we were riding our bikes.

And you told me that you have a therapy. We were talking about therapy because I love therapy. I believe very much in it. And I thought it was really great that you go to one, right? Yes. And you told me that you and this this caused a big almost argument between us. Sure did. You told me.

Yes. That you, your therapist. First of all, how old is she? My age, late 40s, early 50s. Oh, I thought she was like 65. No, no, no, no. I put her at 48. Okay, is she hot?

She's cute. Okay. Not gorgeous, but very... Okay, and I'm asking because Andrew thinks he told me... No, I don't think I know. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, this is what it is. Yeah.

He knows... She had a crush on me, and it wasn't for a long time, I'm not saying, from the beginning to end, and it developed like other relationships would, and then after a few months, I could tell it kind of faded away. But there was a definite crush. And then if you or other people find that hard to believe, that's fine. But it's, you know, a little disappointing. No, and I was like, oh, my God, I was like almost fell off my bike because I have heard.

You were not the first. Okay, and you got really mad at me because you found it insulting that I wouldn't think. Because you took it personally, like that I don't think that your therapist has a crush on you because what person would have a crush. Like you make it a blanket same way or that it couldn't be possible. But this is why I thought it was ridiculous because you were not the first 50-something-year-old commitment. Fobb that I know who thinks that his therapist wants to fuck him. Okay. I have heard that story from two other people and I just like, is that a coincidence?

Or does every therapist want to fuck their commitment phobic clients? I think it's not a coincidence. I think that you think that because you're projecting your feelings onto her and who's the safest person for you to sort of like have a mental sort of relationship with, than somebody who is completely unavailable like your therapist. That's what I think. And I think that we could start a commitment issue, commitment phobia podcast with that fucking topic.

Let me ask you first. How many guys do you know that are actually in therapy? Are we talking 60 or 10? No, like two. Oh, okay. Well, I do studies and they're very small. And then I base all my facts on like my studies of TV. If you know two other guys that are in therapy and they both thought their therapist had

crushes on them, I could see from your viewpoint why that that would seem odd. I don't know. I would say 100% of the people that I know men who went to therapy thought that they're, yeah. Okay. Well, that's bizarre. Because I only know three people and they all said it. All right. Are they like me?

Totally. Are they good looking and hilarious? Totally. One is like a gazillionaire and he thinks his therapist wants to fuck him hardcore. I'm sure he wants to fuck her. Right. Okay. He wants, he reads into that and like I, I mean, like what I believe.

is that it's probably projection and I think it's very like I don't know if those months that you thought that she was attracted to you did you think about it a lot when I was not in therapy? Yeah. No.

No? Not at all. But when you were there you did? I mean a little bit it's how somebody looks at you or acts towards you or laughs at you people generally give off vibes. The thing that I didn't like

perhaps with you with other people is that the thought that well, they're just trying to trap you. This is a therapist being so good at manipulating it. I didn't say that. No, you didn't. I had someone else say that to me, which kind of pissed me off. It's like they acted as if I was being manipulated, which was so far from the truth.

Hold your mic up a little bit like that. Yeah, go on. Okay. I just didn't buy that. And I'm not saying she wanted to fuck me. I'm saying she had a crush on me that lasted, I don't know, a few months and that was it. So it's not like I'm making this blank statement that she just wants to have sex with me. It was a short-lived thing.

Okay, but I want to analyze. I want to decide. I want to figure out whether or not she really did have a crush on you. Okay. Okay. Sure. I want to know what your reason. Like, give me the actual reasons why you thought.

There's not a lot of reasons. It's someone has a certain, there was one incident in particular, and that is when I went to leave one day and I'm walking out the door, and it was a day that was probably I was extra funny because I'm very entertaining in therapy. It's like a stand-up comedy session for me. Literally, I'm like trying out routines because comics are sort of mad at life, and that's how. they vent. So I always enjoyed therapy for that reason. But as I'm leaving, I like to look and analyze her clothes and I was maybe a foot away from her and kind of looked up and down and I commented like, oh, I love how your brown scarf matches the blue shirt and the way you tied it around. And I looked up at her and she had blushed such a deep red and had this

look on her face like, oh my God, this guy just laughed at for 40 minutes is two inches from me. And it just felt like she had a crush on me. And there's other ways that people might look at you at times with something in their eyes. So it's laughter. It's the way they look at you. And it's that one particular moment that I felt, oh, my God, she really does. But don't you think that you could blush when someone's complimenting you or someone's, like, sort of in your space without having a crush on them? I think that that's true.

I hate to say it. No, I agree. You could, but based on the other factors and the way it felt. The fact that she would look at me a certain way and she would laugh a lot almost to the point of. tears and I know women like funny men and I'm generally entertaining, smart, and engaging, and I think she found that appealing. It's just a sense. I'm sure you can get a sense of men who you think like you based on subtle hues and hints

like that. Not even so subtle. No, right. Men are a little bit different than women, but I just think that like or have a crush on or like maybe for one second, maybe a guy will feel an attraction. But when you're thinking in your mind that she like, liked you. Right?

I mean, you told your friends about it. A few, select few. Right, you were talking about it. It was a thing. Most of the time, if a guy does that to me, to me it's like a five-minute passing thing. It's not something I even talk about. And for women, that could happen 80,000 times a day.

Do you know what I mean? It happens a lot. That sounds like a sexual attraction versus a crush. Right, but that's why I'm saying you're thinking it's like so deep, where why won't you think that it was just a one-time? the same thing that a guy feels in that same situation. Because the way she acted for those few months felt similar. The way she looked or talked or laughed.

I just got the same feeling. I don't think of a crush is falling in love with somebody. It's kind of having an attraction and, you know, it's not that deep. Right. And listen. And really, like, this little story isn't even, it doesn't really matter what the, what I get at. I mean, I probably sound like an asshole.

Like people are probably listening to the podcast and like, why won't you let him just believe that is there? You don't know what I'm trying so hard to make you believe your therapist. Didn't like you. Right? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you say or anyone. No, I know. It would change a thing.

I wouldn't go, oh my God, geez, I've been tricked. I, it doesn't matter. You were not there. I mean, it pissed me off more when my other friend thinks that I was being tricked and manipulated because that's what therapists do. I mean, sometimes the therapists will say, you might say to them, gee, I'm not sure if I should stay. it's costing me money. I don't know if it's helping. Of course they're going to go,

no, you should stay. This is helping. This is why we need to work through this. I mean, I understand that therapists will do that to get you to stay. She wasn't doing this to make me stay. It was just a crush. Right. Okay.

Right. But like my friend's therapist who thought that she was like really into me and him went to therapy together at one time because I was like kind of seeing him and we were involved in something. And she had told me that she becomes whoever, her client needs her to be. So she doesn't divulge a lot of real stuff about herself because she needs to be who that person needs her to be.

So to me, if she's sort of sitting across from a guy who's a narcissist, this isn't you, I'm talking about my friend, you know, who needs to believe, who has such a low self-esteem with women and is very needy to believe that a woman would really like him, then isn't she going to give off the vibes that she likes him or else this guy is not going to stay there? That's what's going to keep bringing him back.

And to me, as smart therapists, would throw that out there a little bit, because you need to feed that part just to keep him there. And she told me that's what she does. She didn't say she does that exactly, but she needs to be who that person needs to be. And I believe in therapy. It's very good transference,

which is this feelings between a therapist and a patient happen for a reason. And they do say that commitment phobic people, it is good for them to have a crush on their therapist or to sort of get involved in that kind of emotional situation with them because it is like practice, right? It's not really. but it's practice. Sure.

And they put that out there because then it becomes like your first relationship. But then a good therapist who has proper boundaries won't really fuck you, even though you all think they really want to fuck you. They'll let you go out and find a real girl to do it with after them, after they've helped you sort of develop feelings, talk it out, feel safe doing it. Do you know what I mean? Falling for somebody. And then you could go out and do that with a real person that you can have a real relationship

with because you can have a real relationship with your therapist. Right. Sure. Right. But the whole reason why I'm bringing it up is, because it's more about your commitment issues. And to me, the only person I've heard talk about how their therapist likes them is like major commitment films, guys in their 50s that have never been married that don't have girlfriends, like never one girlfriend before six months.

Oh, longer than six months? Yes, correct. Okay, let me ask you this. Sure. How old were you when you lost your virginity? I would say 20. Okay, how old were you when you first jerked off? 16.

16? Might have been 15. I'd say 15, 16. That's really old. Yeah. You don't remember jerking up before that? No. Seriously?

Like, why did it take you so long to find your dick? No, I've... No, I mean, it was there, okay? Yeah. I don't know what she seems like natural human evolution. Masturbating was something that sort of came naturally, and I enjoyed, you know, watching scrambled porn movies on TV. And then suddenly it just sort of happened.

And I went, oh, this was fun. but it didn't occur to me. I don't know. In 19, whatever year it was, 64. Move your thing here, yeah. Whatever year it was, there was not ample porn on the net, or maybe I wasn't so smart to know that, oh, people are masturbating when they're 13. Andrew, I mean, you have an imagination.

Give me a break. I didn't use porn to masturbate. I remember masturbating at a very young age. Like, it just happened. It's physical. I mean, didn't your dick rub up on things? And, like, you'd be like, oh, that feels really good. Like I think most kids

figure out to how to jerk off like a very young age That I find that when I hear that people didn't jerk off till 16, 17 That I feel like there's a disconnect there And that typically that's why I ask the question Because my other friend who thinks this therapist wants to fuck him He didn't jerk off either till he was like 16 or 7 And he didn't lose his virginity until way later Like I find that odd

Like why was there a disconnect? Like why didn't you know your dick existed And you could be jerking off all that That time, all that time in your house stuck with your parents. You could have been in your room jerking off having fun. Well, let me just say this. Once I did discover the pleasures, then it was pretty much almost daily since then. So I don't know.

I don't know willing to know what to say to that. I didn't talk about it with my friends. It wasn't something that came up. Yeah, we had Playboy magazine. What age? What grade is that? Maybe, I think 15 now that I think 15. I have no idea.

I was having sex at 15. Yeah. Good for you. You know, I mean, you could have been having it getting late at that time, right? Yeah, could have. I was a little slow out of the gate. I was sort of, you know, I mean, very outgoing with a million friends and hilarious, but, you know, sex is still something a little more personal and different.

I definitely was a late bloomer, I would say, on that end. Right. So then take me through that first experience. Who was it with? Was it with a girlfriend or was it? Yes, it was a girlfriend. I think that was my first. first year of college.

Wow. So you went through all through high school. Yeah, did you date any girls? Like one or two in high school. Did you like girls? Were you pining for them? Yeah, I lusted for them.

But not like super. Not creepy weird. Yeah, I just found women beautiful and sexy. And I remember two or three big crushes in high school that like even one to this day when I still see her. It's like, oh man, I wish I had gotten to kiss fond of fuck, whatever it is. Is she still around? You're friends with her?

Yeah, through Facebook. You know, at high school reunions, I've seen her. Right. And she's still hot. Yeah, she still looks great. Why don't you hit her up? People do that all the time. Well, she's married and living in Pittsburgh. Oh, yeah, forget that.

And her name is not Rachel, so I would not Google that. What are you talking about? Did you just say Rachel? You did? Yeah. I didn't even hear that. Do you want me to take it out? I come.

No, I don't care. Okay, yeah. Who's getting a Rachel and Jude, Joe Schramow? It doesn't really fucking matter. So, so you had crushes. Yes. Did you have? Because I had this hardcore when I was very young. I was very sexually active at a very early age and very curious and I couldn't wait to get it on and I started doing things with guys very early. But I definitely had unrequited love from day one. Like that's the way I set up my situation. I think that we all have the story that we tell ourselves and then we play it out, right? And so we have patterns in our relationships. My pattern was unrequited love. And that's, I mean, I have these hilarious poems. They're very rhymy and that I used to write when I was. younger and every poem is about liking a guy that doesn't like me and being in love and not having it,

but life goes on, you know, that kind of shit. And that's the story I played out. Whether the guy was gay and didn't like me or he's my best friend and he liked someone else, you know, it was just like from day one, that was what I set up for myself. Now, you say you had these crushes and you were very late to the game. So you were from afar sort of wanting these girls not doing anything. Was it kind of like that unrequited love thing where you felt that wanting but didn't allow yourself to get it? I think I was just too shy to pursue it. And I remember one of the girls that I liked was with another guy.

So that was sort of out. Unavailable. Right. So you were attracted to unavailable people from day one. No, one, maybe the other. I was probably just too shy. And I wasn't necessarily friends with them. They might have been in circles that weren't my tight, you know, Jewish inner circle

or something like that. So I knew of them. I looked at them afar and I had a crush on them. But it wasn't something that I was going to ask them out. But how to, okay. But when you say you had a crush, right? like we say your therapist had a crush on you. Well, all right.

Maybe, yeah, there are differences because my therapist crush was deeper. Well, it was based. Your therapist crush was deeper than your crush for these girls. Yeah, because that was based on real dialogue and lots of interaction, whereas these other women I might have had. It was just from afar. Yeah, maybe some talks with here or there, but basically more from afar. But when you say crush, how did that play out in your real life? Like, what do you mean crush?

Did you think about them a lot? Did you fantasize it? about them, did you jerk off and think about them? No, because this was pre-jerk off. I'm thinking probably more even going back to Ed Elementary Middle and Early High School, so it was before masturbation times. Yeah, just, I don't know, whatever a lesser crush was, not something I was going to pursue. But let me ask you this, didn't your dick get hard and you didn't know what to do with it? Or did your dick never get hard? Like, didn't your dick get hard? Like, doesn't that just a nature thing that happens? I think in the morning men have hard-ons, but I don't remember like three o'clock in the afternoon

getting a big heart on and going to go out. Because you're very heterosexual and you felt yourself pining for women at a very early age. You didn't see their tit and get a heart. And now I feel like those two a little disjointed. It's just the idea of sex or sticking my dick in a woman's vagina wasn't the same as having these crushes on women who are beautiful. Right, but it doesn't matter about sticking your dick and you might have not known that. I think some kids don't know that, but it's just about you can't even help.

You see tits and you're wired to be so that your dick gets hard, right? Like that's how you probably are now, right? If you see a pair of tits, like if my tit fell out of my shirt right now, will you get hard? Can you put that back? No, no, no, leave it out. Leave it out, leave it out.

She does this every time we do an interview. And it's always one. And like just both. The left one. Because the left one's bigger. Yeah, well, you showed me to the right last time, but that's fine. Shut the fuck up.

So wait, if one of my tits fell out of my shirt right now, would you get hard without even, like without, because it takes more than that. Really interesting. I think most guys would. just get hard. But this is, you might just be farther away from the ape. That's what I say. From the what? The ape. Oh, okay. Uh-huh. You know, a more evolved guy. Like, guys are there's certain evolution, right? Some guys that are closer to the ape. I mean, they, they would just get hard in an instant. Do you know what I mean? They are just Neanderthal, man, man, man. And you put it, they would be, they wouldn't even know what the fuck you are listening to Utah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I wish I had one of those guys here because I'm assuming that that's the way regular guys are and you're a little bit different.

Maybe farther away from the ape or weird. I haven't figured that out yet. Sure. But I wish I had a regular, because I'm not a guy. I never have a dick. But I believe that guys' dicks just get hard from a very early age without even being able to help it. That I just surprised that you don't remember getting hard by seeing a movie, by these

girls, but any of that. Playboy magazine, yes. But did that make me want to masturbate? Probably not. Now that I think about it, I really think the influence of television and visual images because the first masturbation was to watching something. I mean, watching. Visual.

Huge. So, yeah, I wasn't like, oh, that girl has amazing tits. I'm going to go home and masturbate about it. It was more like when I'm seeing something, naturally, I'm starting to touch myself. And that's where it kind of went. Right. But you wouldn't see it in real life, like a girl in front of you at school, like, and she gets up in front of you and you see her ass or like the curves of her.

Not enough. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. I think that that's a weird disconnect. I don't know. as far as like your sexuality is concerned. You know,

a little slow out of the gate. Sure. And I would say probably for a reason. And now I can never get enough. Right. Well, that's how typically you were. Maybe you're sex acting. I don't know.

A lot of those guys that I know that are the same are like insatiable now. And they're very like whatever. But yet they don't have relationships. Sure. Other kinds of emotional relationships. But sex is like the thing. You were reading the ending on my book before and I talked about how, you know,

I use sex as a way to get close to guys because I couldn't really figure out how to get close to them in any other way. And I think that some guys are like that with women too. It's the same kind of a thing, right? Yep. And that might be your thing. And so what happens when you are wired that way is you have a much more higher sex drive. Because all of your feelings are funneled that way.

If people believe in chakras or whatever, you know, it's like everything's going there because you don't allow it or you're not sort of connected for it to go anywhere else, right? So if you can't go to your heart or your mind. Like, you know, so you wind up being way more horny than a regular person. And some guys think, oh, I'm 50. I don't need Viagra, and I could fuck 10 times a day. And it's like, yeah, maybe it's like you should, you know, you know, wire yourself a little bit more, even keeled.

It's almost a little bit too much. I was super sexualized, like when I was younger, and it was just super horny to the point where it was just like an imbalance, you know? After I sort of fixed myself, it's like, now it's like a normal kind of horniness. I kind of miss that other way, but this is the way that it goes. But that's normal, I think. It's like you're a type. I mean, I always say I give unprofessional advice, and I do retarded scientific.

experiments. Like I said, I judge my base, my sort of experiments on like three people that I know myself and then I make an analysis and I believe what I fucking think. And I could do that on my show because like I said, I'm not a professional and I'm just saying what I think. But I believe that everything that you're saying is just a part of this sort of commitment issue. And it started at a young age. So I asked us questions because I think you could see, you know, certain characteristics are the same in commitment folks that I know. They tend to find their dick at a very very, late age. They start sexualized, you know, very late age. They're all very sexualized at an older age, but they're basically single their whole fucking life. And that's not sort of natural, right?

Like you've had, what was your first? Natural for me. Okay, but what was your first? So you fuck that girl, right? Yes. I forgot. I think I cut you off probably. Where did we go with that? Was that an emotional connection with her? Was it just like a physical connection with her? Obviously both. I definitely liked her. Here's the thing, as you were saying all these things that made me think that I realized there's such a difference between love and having a really wanting to kiss somebody because you really like them and then just trying to relieve yourself and masturbate because it's like eating food. So I'm a very particular guy and I really, really have to like a person to want to, you know,

make out with them and do all the intimate things. And I don't find that a lot. There's not a lot of people I like. So maybe unlike you at an early age who was just like, oh, I can fall in love with a guy or have sex with them. No, I was so wired so improperly that I had to not like the person. If there was emotional connection, it grossed me out. And I would use that word.

I remember when therapist was like, oh, gross, that's an interesting word. And it kind of was if you really thought about it. Why did I think being emotionally connected to somebody was gross, right? I had to, like, find the person physically gross and I would be really horny. And I had to, like, not really like them and not have them like me. Like, they couldn't like me. Wow. And then the people that I liked couldn't like me.

didn't like me back. Do you understand? Yeah. That fucked up thing. But I think a lot of women, a lot of slutty women will relate to that dysfunction. I think it's a typical common sort of problem. But I had that. It wasn't like I was in love with anyone.

No. I remember one boyfriend, Bunny, his name is Bunny in the book. He was like the only good kind of relationship, but he was like doing heroin the whole time that I ever had. And he was really nice. And I remember he sold and turned around and said he loved me. Like, I think it was after four months. And he said, Kathy, you looked at me horrified. I was like, what the fuck.

you know what I mean, don't kill it, you know. So I was super afraid. That was, I had a fear of commitment. And so that to me, it couldn't be involved in my relationships. And it ruined sex for me. Sex for me was dirty. It was with people I didn't like. And it was great for, you know, but it was dysfunctional for whatever for the while.

You know, I mean, sex is still a good thing, though. Yep. But anyway. But, okay, you, I know you could like pick it apart. Like I was like very picky and blah, blah, blah, you know, and everything. But, like, get back to the story about the first girl. You liked her. How did it go down that you got to have sex with her?

And it was fun because I got her to leave her. She was with somebody else at the time that I met her. So it was very exciting to have to kind of win her over and have her ditched the other guy who was rich and wanted to marry her, even though she was like 20 also. Yeah, a lot of guys have that too. Oh, that was so satisfying. They like to get, they like the girl that's teakin and they want to get it from so much. Do you have that with a lot of girls? No.

Yeah, sometimes. Yeah, you're exactly like this other guy. You're exactly like my friend. But I have good morals. I don't want to necessarily just take women away from their boyfriend. Listen, it has nothing to do with your morals. Shut the fuck about morals. I don't care.

I'm not here to judge you at all. I'm here to analyze you. And I'm just telling you that's another component of the other commitment friend that I have. It's because they're unavailable. Right? That's really all that it is. So it makes it.

It's not about you're not going in there trying to ruin somebody because you're a terrible person. You're just damaged goods and you're doing it because that fees. feeds you and whatever it is. And so I don't judge you that way more. I'll buy that. Yeah. Yeah, it's fine. So she was with another guy and you got her. She was with another guy, right. And she was really

stunning. She was very beautiful. She was like a roller professional rollerblader slash student. No, no, very waspy actually. Oh, Southern Baptist. Like how did it get that you? Did she cheat on her boyfriend with you? I can't remember if she technically

broke up with her boyfriend before we had sex or not. But you guys started to date? Was this your first girlfriend? Yeah, that was my six-month relationship, I think. Right, that's what I want to hear about. That first relationship, because most people would say, and I believe this, that that first relationship definitely sets you up. I think it happens before, and we set up our first relationship that's going to give us

the story that we want, and we decided that story way before that first relationship. Yeah. But I'm curious to hear what happened in that six-month relationship. I think I knew early on that it was not going to last. Yeah, that's why you got with it. I think after a month or two, I was like, all right, but I'll stick with it. And she really, really, really liked me, like, was passionately in love with me. Why did you think it wasn't going to last after two months?

Because I know personality-wise. There's so few people are on my level as far as comedy and eccentricity and interest. You know, she was sweet and nice, but just not up to the Andrew Einhorn level of, you know, personality, of everything. Okay. And at that young age, you hadn't really met. anybody that did. No, I never have. Oh, okay. This is another thing with commitment folks, especially the ones in their 50s. It's just like really in all your life. You live in New York City of all the women. You can't find anybody. It's almost statistically impossible what you're

saying and ridiculous. Two women that I thought, wow, but, you know, that are on the level. Like, this person is so interesting and I have so much fun and enjoying spending time with them that I could do this all the time. This could be, but both of them were unavailable or it couldn't happen. But there was two. I'm not trying to sound snobby. You can label me whatever you want. You might be one of those people that like find a very, you know you're creative. Yes.

You're probably super smart. Have you ever been tested with your IQ? I'm not that smart. No, there's no way you're not that smart. Yeah, no. I'm like 1,100 SATs. I don't care about SATs. I don't care about school.

I'm talking, I'm not talking about, no, dude. I'm talking about IQ. Oh, I don't know if I've been tested. I still don't think I'd be that smart. No, you are. Yeah, that's what makes you weird too. You throw that in the back. My family is brilliant.

A little like, you know, blow job from your father and a high IQ. And here you are, 50 years old, no relationships. Yeah. You know, that's the, that's the concoction. That's the cocktail. That's the, you know, the perfect cocktail that exists. We could definitely go into an area of family because I didn't have the happiest childhood. And in my house, I was not that happy.

And I don't want to talk about the overbearing, dominating pants-wearing mother. but my freedom every night I still am home and I'm so happy when there's nobody around because then I can cook dinner at 1 a.m. and I can masturbate and I can watch hockey and there's nobody telling me to turn off the television because it's the evil boot tube. Your mother did this to you.

Well, there's a little bit of something there. No, there's a lot of that. That's so sad. No, see, that's where it does come from. I believe in that. It was so horrible. It was imprinted in you for a long time. You live with that for a long time.

There's definitely that, but there's all. also the thing where I don't have an interest like you and being with being someone for more than a few hours because you're going to get bored and go, all right, I've had enough. I'd rather be by myself now. Right. But that also happens with being a super smart person. So I think there's like a concoction. Right. So it's a, but that thing with your mom is so heavy duty, right? Because we spend most of like so many years of our life and house for me.

Like you asked me before like, are your parents all together? Yeah, they are. And so why do I have commitment issues if I was with a parents that were together? but like to me they're together made me feel like I would never want a relationship. Like to me it looked horrible what they had. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Like horrendous.

I was like I would never want to have this ever in my life. So all I did was keep myself out of relationship. But you grow up and you realize and you hopefully see other relationships that are very different. Yes. But what happens, unfortunately, is that we were growing up in these houses for how many years. Those form of years are so important. They are imprint on you. And stick with you so much.

To this day, you're 50 and you're still, like, have moments where you're so happy that your mom's not there telling you what the fuck to do. Yes. And my dad, too. I mean, the household just wasn't that fun. I'm different from my parents. It was a very serious house. And I was all about comedy and television and music. And it was not that way.

So let me tell you, there's this amazing book called, um, called the conscious parent. It's over there. I'm reading it because I just had a baby. And it's so important for me to be the opposite of what your parents are. parents said and you know there are our parents like the generation our generation our parents were fucking clueless because that was their generation you know they didn't have therapists they didn't believe in things so there a whole lot of them were messed up and they created a lot of messed up people like people our age like right i mean doesn't every generation say the same thing yeah but i'm just

saying like most of my friends parents were just as stupid okay like your parents didn't get that you're your own person you had this way that was very different and for them they were probably horrified and instead they wanted to stifle it. Whereas parents, what this person says and what I believe mostly is that, you know, your child comes to, you're supposed to figure out who that child is, what they want to, who they want to be and what their great qualities are and then allow them and give them, you know, create that path for them to do all that. That's your job as a parent, right? Yes. I wish I had that. Right. Right. What you have to do. And most likely you are going to have a child that is your exact opposite, right? Because that's how you grow and change,

right? And so your parents, of course, had someone that was their exact opposite. Instead of sort of learning from you to be more loose and to be more funny, they tried to suffocate you. That's what my parents said. I was raised by a priest and a woman who would marry a priest. And I was like a free spirit. I can't wait to get laid kind of gal, like me, you know.

And they just stifled me. They took all my qualities and just wanted to cut it down and shut it off. Right. So it's really difficult. So that creates sort of a thing that's going to be really bad for relationships ahead of time. So that's, we don't even need to know your first relationship because what you would do after that is you would set up. You probably have a deep-seated hatred of women.

That's why you can't find anyone because you hate your mom probably. And yes, yes, deep down inside. There's love and disappointment, you know. You never, I don't hate the parents, but. But you're allowed to hate someone. But that doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't mean that you don't love her unconditionally. But you know.

You can hate her for what she did to you. And you might hate women. And like this is what I think. Sometimes when you can't allow yourself to actually put the feelings of hatred to where it needs to be, you sort of take that hatred and put it everywhere else because everyone thinks, I can't hate my mother. Like that's wrong. Like yeah, you can fucking hate her. You can hate her for what she did. But you could eventually, what happens when you're older is you hate them, but then you eventually realize they were fucked up people too.

She's just an individual. She didn't know. Like I one day realized, oh my God, my mother was like 23. three years old when she had me. Like, I would have been fucked up mother too if I had beep. You know what I mean? Like, and I just really saw my mother as an individual and as a person and thought like, yeah, she fucked me up and she was all these things.

But I was able to forgive her because when I really sort of looked at her that way, you know, but you're allowed to hate your mom. It's like I think some people don't. And so when you don't sort of attribute it to your parent because you feel like that's bad and I would be a bad person, then you sort of send it out to all these other women. Right. Right. and you project it onto them.

And then you hate women and you can't get close to them. And no women could match what you're looking for, which is statistically retarded. And then you're alone forever and you have no love. I remember asking you, like, do you have any pets? Like you had one cat and you had a very cute cat story about that cat in the church where you lived.

This was very cute. And it was like, oh, at least you had someone to love for that time because I always feel bad for people. For me, I always had pets because I needed someone to love. And I had booty calls and I had guys and I had crazy relationships, you know? But there are other commitment foes that they don't have any of that. And I'm like, who do you love? Who do you cuddle with? Like, who do you do? Who do you?

But I'm a huge animal lover. I had a dog for a month. It was just too much work. But every dog in my building knows and loves me. I mean, I do have a soft side and I do love animals. So I don't know. I've got family. I've got friends. There's a lot of love. You know, I think that it's like, you know, our parents, like I said, this new book that I'm reading and she was a woman that was on. She actually, you don't even have to read the book. You could actually just see her on Oprah, an interview. Her name is Shefali something or other. Oprah interviewed her and all about her parenting style

and it was like really incredible. And because now that I have a kid, I want to be the opposite and give him the opposite sort of upbringing that I had so that he has a very secure sort of attachment style and so he could have real relationships when he gets older or not be like me and you.

Yeah, you're, pick up the mic. But anyway, I know that I'm just, you've been met. Now think to me that you have the story that you want to say that has nothing to do with sex and nothing to do with relationships, but you want to tell it. But it's a good story. But it's a good story. Okay, let me just put one more thing, though, because you got me thinking about the relationships.

There was another thing, believe it or not, time and money. Because I went out, you know, when I go on dates, I'm like, oh, my God, wait a minute, I have 20 tapes to digitize. I have three edits to do. And now this person wants to go to a museum on Sunday one to four. That's time that I need. I could get all this stuff done because I'm always trying to catch up. and then you might go to dinner and it's, oh my God, I just spent $137.

I don't have a lot of money. Time is precious and money is precious. And I don't want to say there is a resent. But when relationships take time and money and, man, unless it's unbelievable, no fucking way. Oh my God, stop. You just sound like more and more of a commitment phobas. The more you sort of... I was just being honest, that's not commitment.

That's real issues. Time and money for me. Do you think that most people that are in relationships have a lot of money? I mean, most people in relationships have no money, okay? Because most people don't have a lot of money. Most people are exactly in your position and they're all married and have kids. And, like, people on welfare, like, have, go on dates. Like, it's such a bullshit excuse, okay?

Do you actually think that you have less time and less money than most people? Yeah. No, you're so ridiculous. You actually, it's almost egotistical to think that. Well, I have people wouldn't agree. I do have time, but the thing is, I don't want to go into depth. But my life is very different. and I have hundreds of hours of things that I need to do all the time.

Do you have 2,000 tapes you want to digitize before they disintegrate? You have hundreds of hours of things. All right. Okay, well, fuck it. Let's move on to other things. What's your story? Okay, so it's unfortunate and unpleasant, but so I was in Florida. I was in the Florida Keys.

I went on a really fun journey. I'd never been there before. It was just a surprise my friend, my 30-year-old, assistant for his 30-year-old birthday party. So we had a surprise, Miami, whatever. So we went to all the keys, we're coming back. I'm on a flight at noon. He's on a flight at 1 o'clock.

You know me. I take pictures of everything. I shoot video. I shoot film. I'm always shooting, shooting, shooting, shooting. So I get on the plane, and my seat is all the way in the back. And what is there? Three kids behind me, two babies to the right, two kids in front of me.

And I'm like, oh, my God. I just, you know, it's a flight was during the day, but I don't, nothing personal. I really don't want babies. I'm like, I'm going to take a picture. I'm going to do a selfie and show my friend, Austin, that I'm on this plane and this horrible back of the plane with kids. Oh, I know that I know the punchline.

You didn't know the punchline? That I got kicked off the plane? I'm just going to guess. Oh, no. I was going to get the punchline. Yeah. So I'm trying to do these things and I'm trying to make a sad face and trying to get kids in the background.

Totally. I'm having trouble because exposure-wise, plane windows, seats. It's like, so I'm working here and I'm trying. And, you know, whatever. And all of a sudden, I hear this woman behind. me shriek out, why are you taking pictures of my children? There is a child molester in front. Within a matter of seconds, the back of the plane is freaking out that there's a child molester

on board. A man eight rose up goes, sir, sir, let me ask you this. Have you been convicted of being a child molester? Because if you are, you have to tell us. Then I hear other people's voices going, I don't want to be on this plane. I am not going to be on this plane. Holy shit. Within a matter of seconds, my life turned upside down.

The plane had not even taken off. No, we were just sitting on the ground. Were you with a friend or you by yourself? No, it was by myself. And I was like, I'm going to show my friend. I'm in the back, you know, and I just. Did you have your video going for all of this? Oh, my God, if you videotape those people.

No, I was just taking selfie stills. And I said, look, woman, I'm really starting to me to upset you. I'm just trying to show. It did matter. She got, it was like she was holding it in. And once she let it out got hysterical. Then I said, they're like, I hear her say, what about the cloud? The cloud?

Because they're going, I will erase. Look cloud. The eye cloud. Because when you got... How old was she? I couldn't turn around and look at her. I don't know. I imagine she was a young mother in her mid-30s.

It's just a guess. Oh my gosh. So you're like, deleting it? She's like the cloud? Well, she was afraid that even if I delete the photos, they're still going to be on there. She thinks I'm going to be jerking off to her children or wanting to kill them or whatever it is. Now, the plane flips out. There's a woman across from me.

I see her looking at me with such a horrible look on her face. At that moment, I was like, this is bad. And lo and behold, they come back. They take my phone. Who's they? Well, a stewardess came back. Yeah. Just tried to...

What airlines was this? Let's out that airline. United, I think. Okay, go on. The stewardess said, don't worry. We'll take care of it. I said, here, you can delete the phone. So they take my camera, my phone.

Not only that, but you know I have naked pictures on my phone. So they're deleting the pictures. And I hear one guy go, oh, my God, he's got naked pictures on the phone. At that point, I was like, all right, you're kind of crossing the line by taking my phone, I'll let you. You don't need to scream. The other woman's looking at me in Harvard. I was like, sir, are you sure you're not a child molester? You have to tell us.

The steward has come back and they say, hold on, I knew it was only a matter of time. Five minutes later, the captain comes back. Oh my God. What happened here? I was like, look, I was just trying to do selfies to show my friend that there was kids all over. They go, well, you know, you never take pictures without asking people. And I'm sorry, but we're going to have to take you off this plane.

So they take what? I'm like, well, what about my luggage? No, your luggage is done. It's going. We're not taking it off. So then as soon as I get off the plane, they say, look, you know you're bad. You're evil. A guy on a bicycle comes riding up, like from the terminal, the security. A guy when a bite comes up.

What happened, he was very nice. I said, look, I was just talking. I was trying to show my friend or the. It didn't matter. So then a real bitchy woman came up and goes, sir, you are going to be escorted to the counter. We will refund your money or whatever it is your miles. I see you have used mileage, but you will not be able to use this air. and you're on your own. Okay? Okay? No, this is not okay. You're kicking me off your airline. My

luggage is on. So now I have to find my way back to Newark. Wait, where were you in Key West? Florida? This is Miami because we came back to Miami. So I was horrified. I'm like, I'm going to have to spend $500 to get a flight on a different airline to get back to Newark to get my luggage. Sorry, sir, that's the way it is. So I made a few calls. Luckily, I had one really, one guy behind the counter said, look, this is what you do. I recommend. Check, call United, see if there's another flight leaving out of Fort Lauderdale that maybe you haven't been banned from Fort Lauderdale. I called up. There's $100 switching fees in two and a half hours. There's a plane leaving. It's $100 to take a car service. So $200 later, I'm on a flight and going back to Newark.

But man, it was a really unpleasant experience. In retrospect, I wish I had just made a speech because I repeated this 10 times in my mind. I was going to stand up and go, look, ladies and gentlemen, you're all looking at me in horror. I am an artist. And then I thought, what am I going to say? I shoot bar mitzis for a living. Oh, she's a molester. And she just won't bar mitzis for a living.

So I'm like, oh my God, okay, I'm a playboy photographer. Oh, no, I can't say that. He's a playboy photographer. No matter what scenario, I thought, I was like, oh, they're going to go nuts. It was a lose, lose situation. And that one moment where I realized, I'm fucked, this woman is just not going to shut up. It was pretty unpleasant.

Oh, my God. That is the best story I've ever heard. Yeah, it was worth $200. It really was. Yeah. No, really. Hopefully if I do a blog about it and then out United, that will go viral. I really wish you should do like a little, you could do a one person show about that.

Like you could do a, you're going to get a lot because really the great, like, that just shows how fucking nuts people are. That lady that was with her kids that literally would make a leap from you taking a picture. It's very obvious. Most people hate babies on a plane. When I brought my baby back from Portland, like we flew first class. So you know everyone was giving us dirty looks. Like you know what I mean? Like you're a baby infer like an infant, a 70, you know.

And let me tell you, he didn't make one sound. So like whatever. But I get that how people feel and everyone knows that. The fact that she goes from you taking a picture all the way to you being a child molester. And other people were just as like you would think that the majority of people, I wouldn't think this because I know people are morons. You would think that most of the people would realize how irrational and crazy she's being. But yet she was able to find on one plane how many other people to support her psychosis, right, to get you thrown off.

Her husband, another couple, the guy and six rows ahead of me and the woman across for me for sure. And then all the people that work for United. But yeah. That bought into it. I think they understood. Nobody was sane enough to like put a like just to sort of calm that lady down, make everyone realize you're not a fucking child molester. you could turn around and say slander. They were calling you a child molester.

Yeah, pretty much. That's pretty hardcore. The thing is, because I'm putting myself in the corner of the frame, I understand that she doesn't realize that I'm trying to get myself. She just sees me holding the phone up pointing towards her children. Please, and like a child molester would be that obvious. Right? That's what I thought to.

Come on. I mean, come on. You'd have it in your bag and you'd be walking around and you'd be trying to get up their skirt. Like, I mean, come on. It's so stupid. Then she's saying about the cloutageous show, she's like, Oh my God. She had a husband?

She had a husband? Yeah. Yeah. See, this is my point to all commitment fobs that think that they can't find a partner. If that bitch, that crazy, irrational, imagine how insane she is, irritating to live with anyone that would be like, oh my God, what about the cloud when you're saying you're going to delete it? It's the most irritating fucking person on the planet. And she has somebody that fucking married her, okay?

So the fact that you think you can't find somebody to date makes you just as psychotic as her. in a different kind of way. You're not a child molester, but you are a commitment folk. That was like the best story I ever heard. Cool. No, it's worth it. Yeah, I'm sure I got more.

You always go for the story. It was worth the $200. I almost got raped in a health food store once. And I was like, you know, I'm sort of, I should have been like a news reporter because I'm like that weird person that will always sort of go for the story, you know, because my mind is like,

wow, this could be kind of interesting. You know what I mean? Like while he was like trying to go down my shirt while he was massaging me, I was like, wow, it's so interesting that one minute I was out, buying vitamins and now I'm in the back room like getting raped you know and that's my mind is thinking like sure kind of interesting yeah in a weird way you know instead of thinking like oh get the I mean and then I was

like oh get the fuck out of here and I was like you know got myself out but I love the story I love stories like I wish your plane story was my story I'm a little jealous it's a good fucking story were you're wait you were flying back with your friends no no no they were on a different flight did they die when they heard oh here's the funny thing as I'm getting escorted back to the terminal I passed them on their way to their flight. And they look at me like, what's going on? I go, well, let me just tell you. How much time do you have?

And, of course, I did it to them. And they're like, oh, I would fight this. Of course they're going to be on my side. No way. This can't be like. Well, because we all know you're not a chubber. You're the opposite of a chubber is you don't even, you didn't jerk off till you're 17. You barely get horny for even women.

Right. I mean, like, really like, I mean, come on. Like, if anything, you're like a child molester is here and you're on the other end of the spectrum. Yes. Right? Yeah. You know, though. I can, I mean, you feel like I never get excited, sometimes just dialogue.

If you talk about someone, if I meet somebody new and they're talking about like, oh, I always kind of wanted pictures, I never really was sure, but you seem, and all of a sudden, the idea that I've met this new person that might want to, you know, get naked for me. Sure, then, you know, my- Yeah, well, that's normal. Yeah, that's normal. Okay. But that's what I'm not, that's what I don't understand why that didn't happen to you

when you were really little. 15, 14, 13, 13, 12. How often I was getting a boner and when and why. You think maybe you just don't remember it? No, I'm sure I got hard here and there. Can I ask you why you're standing up? Is it because I'm standing up? Yeah, it's more fun.

Just so you know, my baby woke up in the middle of this podcast, so I have him in the carrier and I'm like, I'm just going to walk around and do the podcast, right, and he'll fall back sleep, which she is. So now I notice that Andrew is now standing up too. And I have a big windows in my apartment. And there are apartments right across the way with windows. So if they are watching us right now, they're like, what are they doing, standing up, walking around a table with microphones, like, what would you think?

It's like there was a movie called Shortcuts. Did you ever say that movie? No. It was so good. It was an independent flick and it was kind of like that thing where like you could just think that you like know a story by like the picture, you know what I mean? But you could never really know. You know what I think people are so fucked up.

But like if people really knew what we're doing, they'd be like whatever. But you could put so much to something to make it like. Looks like you're a famous woman doing a podcast. Oh, really? That's it? All the wires on the table, the laptop. Yeah, but what about the baby dangling for my shirt? Yeah, that does throw a kink into things.

And then you standing up too. Anyway, it's not that interesting. Your story, though, was fucking great. Like, even better than the commitment-phobe thing. But, you know,

my podcast is always about relationships and stuff. But you're not, like I said, you're not a child molester. No, I'm not. You barely are into sex with women.

You did say that you were too into sex, but then you say that you're not really, you have to really like someone to have sex with them? Yes. That's like a girl. What the fuck is that?

I don't know. What do you want me to say? I don't know. It's a very personal intimate thing, especially even just kissing somebody. Oh, my God. count on your two hands how many girls you've fucked in your life? On my two hands?

What about, oh no? Yes. Sure. It's between, I think it's between 13 and 17. That's not two hands. That's your two hands and your two feet. So you could count on your, what are the appendages?

Yeah, because people have asked that before. You're fucking kidding me. No, I'm not kidding. Okay, so forget about it. Oh, it's 50. No, I love that. No, you're supposed to be honest. Nobody knows who you are.

And that's cool that you're honest about it. No, that's what I want you to be. And I have no problem trashing you about no. I'm not trashing you, but it just, it makes sense. Do you know what I mean? But it really, it actually blows my mind. It's as interesting as the fact that you didn't jerk off to your 17. 15.

How many girls? Let's go to 15 on that one. And I fooled around with a lot of women, too. It's like, you know, going from third to fourth base. Oh, well, you can't put your dick in unless you really like them. Yeah. Are you one of those? Okay, you took my book.

He took my book today. I signed a copy with him and sent it off with him. Yes. Right? Do me a favor. and read I'm halfway in guy okay there I read the halfway in guy or the guy right after him who dick it don't dick don't work okay there's that's not their names in the book okay they have names but there's two guys that I dated one back to back um one would only put it in halfway he wouldn't fuck me

because to him once we did it would be serious you know what I mean it was a major commitment the other one could never get it up he had diabetes whatever but it was always like a fucking thing and he was another guy who was like 60 never had a fucking relationship so you know, it's like, come on. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. It's bullshit. You're one of those.

Because commitment phobes, they think, I remember I had to read this book, and it was so great. It explained to me why, because you could get really fucked in the head when you think like a guy won't fuck you or they have this weird thing with sex. But guys, you know, there is a type of guy that's super commitment phobic that would thinks that sex equates intimacy,

right, and is a closeness, actual sex, meaning put the dick in the vagina. So they won't do that with a girl because that it's like a mind fuck for them. That's why you'll fool around with girls, but like that real sex thing. I've only done it with, what, 13 girls in your whole life? Between 13 and 17. What do you mean between 13 and 17?

You can't count that high in your life. You have to know the actual number. It's not that hard. I have more fares abroad when I travel. That's like, so I don't always remember in Barcelona in 2002. Okay, so there might be four extras. Yeah. Okay, and all those girls you had to like.

Yeah, that's weird. No, you know what? When you say that, I was thinking, no, there is something to be said. Maybe that's why overseas I'm not going to fall in love with somebody in an afternoon. And I've had affairs with people that I just met. Let me tell. Let me ask you this. After you finally have sex with the girl, how many repeat performances do you have?

Do you most of those girls you ever see them again? Well, that's a good question. Yeah, very few. We could sit down and he's sleeping. Okay. Yeah. I like standing. I know.

It's fun, right? Very few? Yes. Have you say that I've had sex with again beyond that? Yeah, that's interesting too. Right. Yeah, there's a lot of affairs. there. Yeah, because once you do it and then you're like, it's too much. You don't want to go any

deeper, right? You need to keep women. You're also leaving in a day to go back to the United States. Yeah, of course. But you, you just, you just so, I really think it comes down to this. Your mother was just so wretched and against you and really stifled who you were that you don't want any woman to be close to you. Was your mom like overly affectionate or overly attentive to you or overly trying to be close with you? No, middle of the road. Middle of the road? A lot of love and support. A lot of work. Do this, do this, do this. Take out the trash, clean your room.

Help me into the car, and we love you. It might be very stifling. Like, the way your mom was was very, heavy on you, right? So it probably feels that way when a girl gets close to you. It would feel that way. You would start to feel that physically. You wouldn't know why, but it would happen. That's what I believe.

And that's why I think, are you still seeing that therapist? No, I just stopped about a month ago. because I couldn't afford it anymore. Oh, really? Yeah. I missed it. I liked it. And it helped.

I really enjoyed it while I did it. And she was really nice about it. If you want to think that the therapists are manipulative, you would think she'd say, no, no, no, you really need to stay. It's going to benefit you. She was like, I understand that therapy is a luxury, and I completely understand. And if you want to come back, I'll try to fit you in. And if not, good luck. So I really like her for saying that.

Right. No, that's very cool. You had a good therapist. They're hard to find. I just think that you should stay in therapy and you should try to, to, you should try to figure it out because I would think you're 51 and a half yes right and I would think that that therapist how long did you see her for how many years uh often on two years right I think you're still commitment phobic I think because you still see you don't see through your stuff you still see

your stuff and you're using it as excuses like you're not like oh this is what I do and you know the reason for it you're still like saying this is what I do because I'm too busy and whatever you You know what I mean? Like, so you still have work to do before you'll have that relationship. And I wish for you to have that relationship because everyone needs like loving their life, I think, and stuff. And to be open is a much more natural way to be. And I think that that's really healthy for people.

And I think some people, though, keep that away from them because of stuff that was put on them when they were younger and that's sad. Sure. And unfortunately, it does take a lot of work to get that off of yourself to be open to having what most people have and what's good for you, you know, and what, could be good for you. But I hope that you could get that. And I just think, though, that you'd probably need to spend more time in therapy.

Or just change your way of looking at things. Maybe one day you will get lonely or you will want someone. I think when you get older, you know, sometimes it's just more conducive to have a partner because what else are you going to do, you know, kind of thing. When you're younger, it's like, oh, my God, way easier to be single and be alone because you're out and about and doing stuff. But maybe when you're home alone all the time, I just had a podcast with someone else that we were talking about that exact thing.

Like when you're just older, it's just like, maybe you want someone to travel with or you just want someone for companionship, you know, because you're not out and about so much. I don't know what it's going to take for you to make that shift for you to sort of, you know, create that change so that you could attract somebody or have that in your life. But, you know, I hope that for you because I think that it's actually a much better way to be.

I think you're keeping yourself in something. I think that about myself, and that's why I've done a lot of work to try and change that. Do you understand? I think if I could have an open relationship or someone that I could have sex with once or twice a week and still be able to pleasure myself on the side. Oh my God, stop. That is the most ridiculous thing you just said

because you just cop to the fact that you barely fuck anyone, that you have to be in love that you barely ever find anyone that you're interested in, yet you want an open relationship where you could fuck other people. Where are all these people that you're interested in? No, that I can, like, masturbate aside from that. Girls don't care if you masturbate? They don't.

What if it means sex with them once a week and then five days I'm doing other things? It's okay. You can find a girl this little close off. Like, listen, girls your age. Girls your age are in menopause. They don't want to have sex that much. They'll be very happy to have a guy like you that's not pressuring them for sex all the time.

That just wants to fuck them once a week and they could do it because their vaginas are dried up and sex is painful. What if they're 38? Because I don't want someone my age. No, it's not going to, no, 38. They're still very horny. It's like you're most horniest if anything. No, like in their 50s. Why, women nowadays look really good.

They do. They do. Yeah. Case and point. Yeah, thank you. But I mean, like, but all my friends do too. Like nowadays, it's not like 40-year-old women or like what it used to be. Even 50-year-olds.

Sure. You know what I mean? My body still looks killer. You could keep your body in good shape. And with little Botox and stuff, nowadays, women don't look the same. So to say, oh, 50, you made a face. People can't see the fucking face me, but it was really rude as an older woman who's approaching because you're like, ew, like, ew.

But you could find a hot, you live in New York City, too. You're not like in a suburbia where maybe everyone's a little overweight and nobody gives a shit, you know. In New York, you could find a very effervescent, creative, arty, interesting, really attractive, 49-year-old, 50-year-old. I'm going to have to change my cupid because I went up to like 47. Oh, my God, what's your age range? I love it.

36 to 47. Okay, that's appropriate. But no, it should be up to your age. Damn. What do you mean? Damn, you don't know. You have to look at them. You have no idea.

I'm at one guy. I see people my age. Yeah, your high school reunion. Where do those people live? Exactly. Not New York, right? Shut the fuck up. I know.

We're not going to talk about where you live. I could care less. It's like some middle of the road place. No, it's a hipster suburb just outside of Philadelphia. I don't care. It's still not, you're in New York City. You're not going to be meeting people from there. It's not going to look like your people in your high school yearbook.

Okay? They're going to be different. Just up it. And just see, you don't have to go out with someone. You don't have to. You can find a 38-year-olds. An Asian category. No, but I just think that if you're not.

you're a guy that's not that horny and just wants to fuck one girl and then just do a lot of jerking off. And that's okay because like some women aren't as sexual as men anyway. So that's okay. I think you're as a guy that's not so sexual. It's a lot easier to find a woman that's going to match you than if it was the opposite of you were a girl. You're just going to be harder, right? So it's not that hard to find a girl that's going to want sex more than once a week. That's because of care that you're going to fucking jerk off. Who cares? I like that. I didn't know that. Yeah. Get a girl, but get an older girl who's maybe gone through menopause or in perimenopause or paramed. Like her sex drive is like weaning and she's not going to go on hormones to up it and she's just happy with that because you're not going to change. You're a little disconnected. She could be hormonally dead inside.

And so you guys would be the perfect match. Do you know what I mean? I do. Yeah. And if she's like, listen, there's tons of women that are commitment phobic too and maybe they're afraid of getting really close. Like I've seen people like you get in relationships over long periods of time. Do you know what I mean? If you found a woman who's just as afraid of relationships as you are, I could do.

sort of a far thing once in a blue, you know what I mean? And it could go very, very, very slowly, right? That's what some people need like that. There are other people like that out there that could do that with you. That would be probably the perfect concoction for you and the way you could get in a relationship. And there's girls like that that can do it. I believe in Insta relationships. At this point in my life, I would, I just believe in meeting somebody and it's like really great and you really like them and you start seeing each other every single day, the minute. you saw them because I at this point in my life my biggest fear was always to be trapped in a relationship I couldn't breathe just thinking about it I always needed a door out and my door out was

like something about them that was really bad that I knew I'd never be with them sure right but now I feel very different now it's like I want that door to be closed like I want to be with someone that I just like so much and I just totally fall for and see all the time and like them until it doesn't work out anymore and then we call it a day and that's it you know what I mean no door out person are you no not yet I just had a baby. So it's, you know, it takes a little while.

But I will because I want to and I'm ready for it. And I believe that that's the way that it works. I don't believe that, oh, I don't believe in all those roadblocks and stuff. Like anyone, you find people when you're ready, no matter what.

That's what I believe. So people that don't have relationships most of the time, it's like for one reason or another, you're blocking yourself. Sure. Right? So I believe, even with a baby,

I will find a guy. Yeah. Because I'm ready. And it will absolutely happen because I made that shift. But for you, I don't think that you have to get to that point. You could, I have a friend who had a relationship with a guy who was very closed off and she just never stopped liking him no matter what.

Do you know what I mean? And she just, she just stuck around. And they have like one of the best relationships I know like 15 years later. Oh. You know what I mean? But it went very slow. Very, very slow. So if you just sort of, I don't know, I think sometimes like your intention or what

you put out comes back to you. You know, if you say and admit to yourself that maybe you would like a relationship, would you like a relationship? I don't even know. I don't know either. I used to think so. See, that's the problem. You have to figure it out.

Yeah, I would because that would mean that I would really be enthralled with somebody and I'd be getting things back and learning and growing and it would make life better. For now, it's never seemed to get to that point. I never feel like it's made my life better. A relationship doesn't really make your life better. It's just about companionship and having a partner and having help and, you know, you have to make your life as good as. it is. And then a relationship is like icing on the cake. That's what I think. You know? Yeah. And

relationships are kind of like down here. They're like low level. They're not like a high level drama. Like, oh my God. I mean, I think when you first meet someone, there's chemistry and you really like them, that is exciting. But that all stuff will go away. And really what you have is just a friend who you like that you're physically attracted to and you have to see every fucking day. It's not, yeah, I know. It's not so great. But I think there is a benefit of having a partner and having help in life and not doing everything alone always. As a person who did everything alone, you know,

I realize that it's actually nice to have a partner and really, and that's what most people do. Most people partner up and have help the rest of their lives. I'd like help taking my groceries from my car from my Costco trips. She's not only will your girl do that. She'll cook for you. She'll do your laundry.

She'll tend to you when you have problems. Like that's what a partner would do. She'd do a lot. She wouldn't. And I have to do that for them too, right? A little bit. Girls are less high maintenance than men. That's what men think women are fucking annoying.

Men are so fucking annoying. Men are so much more needy than women. It's serious. You know what you have to do for a woman and you don't mind this because you're like a chatty guy. You're like a girl guy. Yeah. Got to talk to them. You have to listen to their stuff.

And if you're not going to be with a girl that's not interesting because it's like your thing. So you're going to want to talk to her. So as long as you talk to her. Yep. That's cool. And you don't want to fuck her all the time. And she doesn't have to fuck you all the time. Like it's not so bad.

I'm telling you. Stay on OKCupid and change your age range. I wrote to like five people the other day. I've never done that before. Right to like 50. I was searching like atheists and Asians. And there was one. Atheist Asians.

Yeah. Yeah. They're out there. They're out there. Totally. I found a profile one that I was like, this is the best profile ever. This woman said she never really fit in. People thought she was a little weird.

She's a bit eccentric and she loves this or doesn't like this. And I immediately felt a connection. I said, I love your profile. I'm kind of similar. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Let me know if we can get together for anything, any terror, you know, nothing, nothing. That's okay. Listen, you can't.

It's disappointing on that one. No, but you could, when was the last time she was online? Do you, did you see? I did not. I should look at that. Yeah, she hasn't been out for three months. Yeah. If you're out there, come on, man.

Yeah, even though. Don't worry. Just keep doing it. It's a numbers game. Don't worry. Do I mean, don't personalize it either. But I think I'm going to call this podcast, Andrew, the commitment vote. Andrew.

I thought of a better name while we were talking. I have to listen through it when I edit it. Handsome, funny, middle-aged atheist. It's not going to be a, listen. If anybody listens to this podcast, they're probably going to stay away from you. This should not be your dating profile videotape or whatever you want to call. You know what I mean? Because I sort of outed all your issues.

What if they want me to photograph their girlfriends? What does that have to do with anything? Yeah, I mean, please, stop. Let's end this podcast. So, standing up. Yeah, standing. standing again in front of all the people looking at us. So anyway, so yeah, your commitment phobia.

I don't know what the whole point of this is. I think it's interesting. I think commitment phobia is like a very hot topic because I think so many people are commutmophobic and have the same problem, especially people in our age range because our parents are totally fucked up and they raise us fucked up.

See this little guy right here? My boy, I'm trying not to do to him. I hope he has a real relationship one day. I think you're going to do a great job. Encouraging, pushing him in the area where he will excel and be free and can explore whatever that might be. Right, right, exactly.

So anyway, so good luck with your commitment issues. Change your thing. You know, one day when you have a real relationship, if you get in one, we'll have you back on. Oh, good. Oh, and if people want to check out his website, it's Vimeo. Dot com slash naked happy girls. What about your book?

Can they buy your book anywhere? Amazon. My last one called Naked Coast to Coast is still on Amazon. Oh, that's one with the hot Playboy Girls. Yes. Yeah, you could see a lot of hot girls. It's big and colorful. Naked Happy Girls, my really great small black and white one is out of print.

So you can still find it. but it might cost you $80 instead of $40. Right. And what about your show on Playboy? It's still on the Playboy Channel? Does the Playboy Channel even exist? Yeah, it exists. I hear it still airs when I see people, but I don't even know.

I don't know. Right. Okay, he used to have a show on TV. But you could see the same shit in Vimeo. That's really what it is. It was videos of you talking to the girls and getting into the house. Yeah, short ones, three, four minutes. Right. So check it out.

Thanks for tuning in. I mean, thanks for being here and talking. Okay. Okay, being honest. Now you could go home and jerk off. Okay. All right, bye. Okay.

I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback an e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like

Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay.

I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You can post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be.

It's a total, strictly anonymous community. And you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. all you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at gmail.com.

And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Do you have a story? or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com,

with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.