Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 114 - Bisexual Lance Part 2

Episode Date: February 22, 2016

Bisexual Lance calls back in to discuss his early interest in anal, his early fascination with being humiliated, his desire to find a female dominatrix to date and a whole lot more. When did he discover he liked anal play? Why does he think he likes to be humiliated sexually? Has he ever been with a dominatrix? Tune in to find out as well as hear a whole lot about his relationship status and commitment issues in general. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your Greek flag lie. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts. Kathy Kay and Tommy.

Hey, welcome to Strictly Anonymous podcast, Kathy. If you want to follow the show on Twitter, follow the show at Stricted Anonymous or follow me at Cartoon Therapy. If you want to be on the show, I'm always looking for people to call in. This is a call-in advice show. So if you're looking for advice, you have a problem, you need advice, or you have a secret life that you want to reveal while remaining anonymous. You could do so on my show.

So send me an email at Strictly Anonymous Podcast. at gmail.com. That's really all I feel like pitching today. I'm on this intro. I'm not in the mood. I'm just going to get right in and explain who I have on the call today. Today I have on Lance.

Now Lance has called in before. I did a part one and a part two with Lance. I aired as part two first. This is really is part one. Lance is a bisexual and he had a lot of bisexual tendencies when he was young. We get into all of that stuff

as he also was like very, into dominatrix like he's looking to date a woman and he wants her to be a dominatrix because he's really into being humiliated sexually but what we discuss a lot on this call we discuss all that sex stuff but i like wind up getting really heavily into his personal life as far as relationships are concerned because i think when i started to talk to him i started to feel like maybe he has some commitment issues because he had never really had a relationship so we talked to talk a lot about that. So this podcast, besides it being about his younger years of like shoving things up his ass, it's a lot about relationships and commitment issues and that kind of

thing. So I think it's interesting on that level. If you're looking to get like a boner and jerk off to, you know, his bisexual side, you'd probably better off listening to the other podcast. This one, his focus is more on his relationships, whereas the other one focuses more on. sucks. That's why I did a part two with him because I realized after I my first call that I didn't really talk enough about the sex stuff and I know that most of my listeners love that shit. So anyway, it's still an interesting podcast like I said because I don't like to just talk about sex. I like to talk about everything and like this one is interesting because it's all about relationships and I think a lot of people will be able to relate. So I'll be right back on with

Lance. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to any? Anyone to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous. Hey, Lance, welcome to a strictly anonymous podcast.

You're on with Kathy. How are you? I'm well. Thank you. Cool. So Lance, I found you on Craigslist. And sometimes when I see ads like yours, I wonder if you're posting that you're kind of looking for advice, but really you're looking like to hook up because your, your ad was pretty simple. It was basically like you're kind of confused about your sexuality. You don't know whether you're gay or buying. You wanted someone to chat with.

So sometimes when I see an ad like that, I'm like, oh, is this guy just kind of like, no, he's gay and maybe just putting that out there. He gets guys to call him up and then they kind of hook up. Or was it really seriously an ad? you are genuinely confused? You are half correct. My intention is not to hook up, nor to hook up with a guy. My intention is, but it's also not just for chat. I'm looking for some resonance, and if anything, I'm looking for a female, not males.

Oh, really? To hook up with or just for advice? Not to hook up with. I'm not interested in hooking up. I think it starts as advice. Who's going to give me advice, but somebody who can resonate with where I, I'm at and ideally maybe they've gone through something similar or they dated a guy like me and then if the dialogue is strong and there's a connection and maybe you know it can sometimes result in a

in a connection that is romantic a date right but I'm making a mistake I'm not looking to hook up I just don't get anything out of that at this age you don't get out of like hooking up like you don't get anything out of hooking up with either a man or a woman or you're just not looking for that kind of like meaningless thing is what you said when you're like I don't get anything out of it what you mean by that? The latter. I mean, I'd rather just get off by myself. So hooking up. Uh-huh. Like, right, random hookups with total strangers isn't what you're into. If you're going to do something with someone, eventually you're going to have a relationship. So how old are you first, Lance? Let's start with that. I am 44. You're 44, right? Okay. So is it like just recently that you're sort of

questioning your sexuality? Or is it? No. No? No, I've been, um, it's, Let's call it a passive questioning. It's not like in the forefront of my mind, but it's, I have never, since I was a child, since five or six, I've never fit into the norms of the sexual spectrum. And what does that mean? Like so, but because I think, and I'm sure you've heard this before, because a lot of people buy into it. And I think more people are sort of coming to the conclusion that they're bisexual, that, you know, most people fall under the, in the middle of the spectrum, right? If you have homosexual on one end and totally heterosexual on the other end, a lot of. lot of people have different variations or, you know, fall within that sort of spectrum.

Like maybe they're 80% hetero, 20% by, or whatever, but there's different sort of degrees of it. Is that what you're talking about when you say the spectrum? In a way, there's a fluidity to it with me that I, more like a seesaw. I seem to fluctuate depending on what's going on in my life. And it's not just, the word bisexual doesn't necessarily apply because there's certain things I desire from men and I absolutely don't desire other things

and certain things I desire from women and I So what are those things? Give me an example Yeah So with a woman for example I would be I could be romantically attracted to a woman Emotionally attracted to a woman

I'm not going to have that experience with a man But I use the identity of bisexual Because it does explain that In terms of genitals They're equally attractive to me Yeah that totally to me is the difference between someone who's by and the difference between someone who's gay.

The person who's gay, I believe, forms an emotional attachment. I mean, this is just what I think, right? And I'm like, I always say I give unprofessional advice, you know. But I think the person who's gay forms an emotional attraction as well to the person of the opposite sex, as opposed to bisexual people who may be sexually attracted

to members of the same sex and the opposite sex, but they don't, but their emotional attraction, right? They feel romantic more towards someone of the opposite sex, and they would never have a romantic feeling for someone of the same sex, right? That's what I would think the difference is. I don't know. I think that would be your definition. I don't think that would be the standard definition.

No? I think, no. I think people who are in the middle, like on the Kinsey scale, would have, if you're right in the middle, I think you would have an emotional connection. You'd have the ability to be romantically attracted to either. Right. And depending on where you fell, you might be more emotionally drawn to men but sexually to both or more emotionally drawn to women.

Yeah, that makes sense. It can go either way. Right. So maybe people that are more like 90-10, you know, that's why they can't have the emotional thing because they're more, you know, like if you had to compare your sort of interest sexually with a woman and a man's genitals, like you say, you have an attraction to both. Is it sort of equal depending on like your day and the flavor of the week or whatever? Or do you feel like more attracted to one or the other?

It depends. It's a fluctuate. The default answer is always women first. But quite often, there's, quite often I only want to have sex with a guy. I mean, I had no interest in sex actually at times. But not emotionally interested in men. Still never an emotional interest. Now, let me ask you this, because you felt this way ever since you're very little and you're 44 years old.

A, have like you ever been married or did you ever have any long-term relationships? Like, what's your deal sort of like, you know, just relationship-wise history? Very good question. So now we're going to, this is why I'm posting Adam Craigslist. because you're actually getting to the meat of it. It's not just that, that there's another dimension, which is if I were just bisexual, that wouldn't be an issue for me. Since I was a child, I didn't know words like gay and bisexual when I was a child.

I didn't even know how to have sex. But my sexual nature, my first inclinations as a sexual being, before I was even exposed to sexuality, where that of wanting to be disciplined by a woman, hurt, humiliated urine. Mostly it was I wanted to be pissed on and spanked by a woman. And this is from like as early memory as possible as what you're saying, right? I think five years old was the first time I started feeling that way. I remember I had this little, I'll like to spare you the story, but yes, first time.

And that's what I thought. I didn't know if somebody said sex. I didn't know what that meant, but I knew I had these feelings in my body where I wanted to be spanked, or humiliated in front of a class full of girls and stripped and whatever. You could have said I was born to like have a Dominitrix as a girlfriend. Right. And in fact, if you're old enough to remember the movie Eating Raoul, do you remember that movie? Totally, yeah. Where they killed the guy.

They ate him at the, I mean, it was a big soup, right? They made the big soup. Yeah, but the movie depicted a Dominitrix. And I had never seen him before. And I was seven or eight years old, whatever. I was like, that's, I knew inside that's what was for me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Inside, something clicked. And I knew, yes, they were exaggerating the role, but I thought that's what I need to be with. Right. Finally, you could put, like, sort of a name to that feeling that you've had since you were five. Yes. Well, that movie didn't give me the lexicon. I didn't get that until I went to university, and I was very sexually confused, and I would just sit in the library and read sexual deviant books from a psychological perspective, not novels.

I hear you. Uh-huh. And I would be, oh, so that's what they call this. Oh, that's what I like. Okay. Right. And that opened it up. Because you had all these sexual deviant sort of feelings or behaviors or...

Yeah. And let's use deviance statistically. Like they were just not the norm. Totally. Not morally. Morally, you know. And in addition, I didn't know that my cock was the sexual organ that I was supposed to be focused on. I thought it was my ass from a very young age.

Just my natural. like self-discovery, I was, I was playing with my ass from like age five until I read in, yeah, until I read in a magazine about how, like, what the cock did. I was reading like a penthouse forum and first time I was exposed to porn, and I realized, oh, I'm supposed to be doing that. Right. And then you did that and that was really great too, but you had always found it. No. I mean, it took me, I didn't, I didn't, I was driving a car.

before I knew how to masturbate my cock. But I was penetrating myself with homemade dildos that way long before that, from age like six, five. I mean, I was making phalluses and penetrating myself. And I didn't know how to orgasm. I was just doing it. It felt good. But it felt good.

But didn't you see like your penis getting harder and like you didn't even know naturally like what to do to sort of relieve it? Because wasn't it painful on a sort of level or no? It was, I would get very aroused. And no, I did not know naturally how to relieve it. that I learned that from a magazine. Right. Interesting. When I was 16.

And then I was like, oh, my God, that's what everybody's talking about. That's really late age at 16, you know? Like, seriously. Like, you could read a long time before that, right? I mean, but, you know, you grew up in the same time I did where there wasn't like porn readily available and there was no internet, right? So, you know, maybe it makes sense. But I just feel like that is a very late age.

Now, with all of your reading and stuff, because you were looking at stuff from like a psychological point of view, did you ever sort of read or figure out why you think maybe it took so long or what would be the reason why you had those experiences and were sort of delayed with like, you know, the jerking off, you know, pleasure aspect of your sexuality as a I would be, I mean, I'm going to take an intellectual answer to that. I'm not sure I was delayed. I mean, I think it was just the way my development happened. I don't think it was an unusual thing. I'm not sure it was like any kind of arrested development in that sense. Totally.

Because, you know, we aren't, we didn't grow up with the internet. We didn't learn porn, you know. We learned, we had two porn, Hustler, well, three, Playboy, 10,000 hustler. And that's how, you know, lots of people already found things out or he heard it. You know what it is? I was just really slutty when I was younger and I was already having sex when I was 15. So I, so I'm thinking you're so late in the game, you know what I mean? But like, you know, I was like, you know, I was like, I wanted to get on it as far as sex

was concerned. so I tried everything very early. So as you look at the calculus of who I was, I couldn't. Why? Because my first instincts with women weren't to put my dick in them. So I wouldn't think, like even when I girls would be attracted to me and I would like them back, but I was like, I didn't ever think of making further moves sexually because I wouldn't, my natural thing was I would be the guy bending over.

Like that, if I listened to my body, I should be the one taking it, not then. Right, totally. But I mean, you never, like, I don't know, because I'm not a guy, and I have to ask my guy friends this. But, like, you never, like, had, like, by accident, because, like, I literally found out that my clit could be stimulated by accident at a very, very young age at a very, very young age, by accident. And I feel like, maybe that happens to guys too. Like, you rub your dick up against, like, your pillow. And you're like, ooh, that feels really good. You know what I mean? Like on some time before. 16 is that, does that happen with guys or no? I don't know. Well, I, as the representative of all men this moment, I would say it does happen. I think it does happen to guys and it did happen to me,

but I, I didn't go from that to that stroking motion. I had no idea that repetitive stroking motion would be pleasurable. No idea. Okay. That's interesting to me. But, okay, so go on. I don't want to get stuck on that. Like, who cares? Like, there's so many more fascinating things to this. So, yeah. If you think about where I am today at 44, and no, I have not had significantly long-term relationships. And I would think, I would say, I've never been married, I think that I've always struggled because my sexual profile doesn't, it doesn't match up with the women who are attracted

to me. I can do attract very submissive women because I'm very dominant in life. But yet you're looking for the dominatrix woman, right? In bed. Yeah, I don't want to be dominated in life, but sexually, okay. So when I ran the time I was 30, I started to develop more of a heterosexual kind of approach. I learned it. I taught myself it later, like, how do you pick up a girl?

How do you make a move? How do you do it? Is this even enjoyable? And then I did, I start, I do, I can find pleasure in like fucking a pussy. Right. It's great if there's an emotional connection. I have no interest if there's no emotional connection. Like absolutely don't want to do it.

Okay, interesting. That's interesting too from a male perspective, right? Because most guys are wired differently than that. But not everyone's the same. I mean, that's why I do my show because I love talking. That's why you do you show. Yeah. Fucking an ass, that's I can get turned on by that,

whether I'm emotionally attracted to or not, as long as I'm attracted to her, I can fuck a girl's ass. Okay, but wait, what do you say about fucking the girl's ass if there's no emotional connection? if there's no emotional connection I don't want to be like I don't want to fuck a girl's pussy it doesn't do anything for totally but fucking her ass it does yeah like if I'm just going to hook up with a girl that I don't know that well for me the only way to really get off is I'm gonna fuck her ass do you think maybe and listen like I say on my show always I give unprofessional advice I don't know what the hell I'm talking about I just like to analyze things from just a layman's point of view right so you know forgive me if my question sound ridiculous but like

do you think maybe because you trained yourself like so much, you know, because listen, I know that I'm a three-in-put girl. I know the difference between going inside a pussy and going inside an ass. Like, I mean, inside an ass, your dick is like totally encased and totally squeezed, right? All the way up the shaft, all the way down the shaft. Inside the badge, I mean, it's like there's one part that squeezes and the rest is there's a big gaping hole inside, right? So there's nothing sort of there gripping your dick, right? So do you think that maybe because you had such, you were so. into anal and that's always what you were sort of fantasizing about and what you were sort of into

like you you just got hooked into that being more pleasurable because that's just how you sort of came about with your sexuality and so that's why it's more you know stimulating in response the first part of what you're saying is not necessarily connected to the second part the physical sensation of the ass yeah it can feel better but actually the ass loosens up after a few minutes far beyond the vagina. So I think the physical argument doesn't quite hold. For me, but the second part of what you said I can connect with, it is the emotional connection I have from knowing what it feels like to be penetrated, that inally, I have a very much more emotional connection to it. It's very, very personal. And that gets me off. It gets me off to receive it. It

gets me off to give it. What were you making in your house? Like, you're, I'm assuming your parents never sort of caught wind of this. Do you know brothers or sisters? Like, I mean, this was obviously a private act of yours. What would you use to, like, you know, fuck your ass when you were like six years old? I, okay. Well, my parents did touch me once. I was three years old, actually, the first time.

And I, there was a little reflector that had broken off my light, my bicycle, a rear reflector. And I thought it would be really funny if I took that little reflector from my bike and put it in my butt and ran around naked. And I didn't just see it as a comedic act. I also thought it felt good. So I stuck it in my rectum and ran around naked while we were getting ready to the back. My parents flipped out. They recognized there was greater implications to that act.

And I was like, well, why wouldn't everybody want to do that? I didn't understand. Right. You're three years old. Three years old. From that point on, I tried to hide my interest in that part of my body. Right, because you were ashamed. I mean, or you, right.

Somebody told you didn't think anything wrong of it, but they made you feel wrong of it. So then you started to do it privately. Correct. I started to do it privately, and it started, from a young age I saw, is this making me gay? Because I, but I wouldn't fantasize about a man, fucking me. I did later, like around the age of 18, I started thinking a man was doing it when I would penetrate myself. Mm-hmm. But if I were ever to envision the guy's face,

fantasy over. Like, it had to be like just a tool, like a body. Right. Right. I couldn't, yeah, couldn't really be a real human. And when I was 37, the first time I actually decided, why don't I actually try real day? Yeah. First, I was going to ask you, when did you lose your virginity with a woman? And when did you lose your virginity with a guy? With a woman age 20. Okay. And there's a little context to that, too, in terms of how I get to where I am, which is I'm very struggling. confused and the woman told me yeah she was much older than me and I was young and I was very inexperienced with girls like I dated I attracted many and I was you would never know I was inexperienced because I had all this gain I had confidence but um so she had sex in the first time

and she was really not into it she just laid there and she was like see this is what it's like is it good for you how old was she wait you said she was a lot older than she was 27 okay you were 20 Okay, cool. So she's just laying in a dead fish. And then I was like immediately followed it up with, oh, that's okay. A lot of guys are impotent. So I went, I didn't know what that meant. I looked it up.

I was like, oh, maybe I'm impotent. She's like, yeah, you're probably just a lot, you know, you're probably sex. What did she say? She said, well, most girls don't really like sex, penetration. They want oral sex. And that just flipped a switch in by head. And I was like, oh, well, this isn't, girls don't even like this anyway. So why am I bothering trying to get in that thing when they don't even want it?

and she she kind of turned me into more of a sexual more she kind of you said she pushed the buttons that that triggered my desire to be dominated and humiliated sexually because she with it like two months into our sexual relationship she would say she wouldn't want to fuck penetration she would just ask me to eat her out and then when I eat her out I at the beginning I would start to jerk off and eventually she was like, you might not doing that in here. She said what? You can't do that in here? Correct.

After I would get her off, she didn't really want me jerking off next to her because she was like, it takes you a while. Why don't you go in the bathroom and do that? So she was shaming me sexually. Right. Realizing it and suddenly making my orgasm, like, not part of my sexuality. Right. But she was building those connections because you're sort of aroused at that point.

And now you're, that's like you're, that's creating that sort of thing in your head. And now you're, that's connecting. Right. shame and pleasure. I dated two girls like that who kind of did the same thing to me and I'm attracted it to myself.

Yeah, another one around my age even I used to, our whole relationship was, it's wacky during college, I would give her oral sex, hit her off and she had an actual real boyfriend. I was the guy who would

eat her out and then oftentimes I would eat her out. I would leave and her boyfriend would come in and fuck her. right after I left. He knew I was her buddy. He didn't realize we were what we were doing, but he cuckled me in a way. I was that guy. And sometimes I would be there afterwards. I never like ate, I never ate her pussy and tasted his cum that I know of, but I was placed in that position emotionally. Right. But you said very early on this call that you from a very young age, you know, sort of felt that shameful sex was interesting to you. That's what you.

felt was a turn on, right? Very young. What sex was interesting? Shame, like shaming. Yes, right? So don't you think that maybe it's not that they did that connection that because I believe that we draw to us like what we're interested in, right? So we could smell that shit from a mile away, right? So, you know, I was like an unrequited love person.

Like I was fucked up with relationships. So I'd always, you know, it's like the reason why people attract to unavailable people to them if they're subconsciously unavailable. Like if you're subconsciously attracted to these shameful positions, you're going to attract people that are going to shame you, right? So, like, do you really think it's her that made you that way or you were that way? So that's why you attracted women that would give you exactly what you were looking for? At no point in what I've said, would I ever intend to claim that it was somebody else doing this to me, meaning their fault?

Yes, they did things to me, but I grabbed all of it. I wasn't consciously attracting it. Totally. But we said, yeah, we do. That's like with that shit rules our life. I mean, I was. I recently did like, not cognitive therapy. What's that shit called?

It's really expensive. Landmark. Oh, it's psychoanalytical. That's the kind of, yeah. Well, I see a psychoanalyst now. You do? It's fucking hard. If she's a good one or he's a good one, it will work.

And it can really change. It just takes a while. Yeah. So the thing, in response, I don't disagree with anything you're saying. But what is it I'm remembering? wiring, you know, meaning this is who I now am. This is my identity. I'm not changing it because I'm not sure there's a problem with it. I just know that the problem shows up because I struggle to find, not make connections. I struggle to find compatibility. Right. And that's, it's not that

I hate myself. I'm not ashamed. I get who I am sexually. I just, I can't. Okay, but why haven't you been able to? Because I really believe that there's someone out there for everyone. And I talked to a lot of people in my podcast and a lot, I mean 200 and but there's gazillions of people out there. And I find people all the time in my podcast that are into crazy things, totally things that are very out of the box. So to me, what I believe, if you were really open to a relationship and really felt okay about your sexuality, you would draw to yourself someone who is into exactly what you are. There's plenty of women out there that would pee on you and boss you around and fall in love with you at the same time. There are women out there that you could find, I'm sure, that are into

what you're into. I just don't understand why you haven't found one. You and me. So I've met many women like that, but we've just not been compatible in other parts of our lives because outside of the bedroom, that community, and I'm going to draw generalization.

Sure. I generalize all the time. I've generalized 80 times on this podcast, right? It's not universal, but I would say many of the people who are drawn into that, particularly women, and already sort of eschewing a conventional relationship. And for women to get there and show up on, say, the dating sites where you meet people like that, like fat life,

they don't, most of them don't align with my other life stuff. Like, outside of this, I'm a very, not conventional, but I'm an intellectual, and I like, I stay very, very fit. The community is notoriously not fit at all. I don't, you know, I'm not all inked up. The Kink community, inked up, holes in their bodies. Like, I have a white-collar job. I'm very successful at it.

I live a very, like, my public life is so, so drastic. It's dichotomy for my personal life. And you don't tend to find that as much in the Kink community. You find a lot more live and let live, which is great and sexual level, but I don't kind of live that way in my public life. Right, I get it. Like you're, I believe everyone's, like, made up of, like a concoction and people that are more individuals and just more of who they are are a little bit

more complicated. I think that's more real, you know, and they don't buy into like whatever the book, you know, says they should be, you know, but a lot of people do, right? So a lot of people fit into those categories and those generalizations because they feel like they have to be accepted, right? But people that don't, real people that are just who they are, don't make sense. Like they have total opposing parts of their personalities and they're different kind of concoctions. And it does make it, I think it does, it is harder for that person to find somebody else who's compatible because the majority of people have bought into like whoever they want to be and they do follow the rules and they are kind of like, you know, they make more sense, right? So I get it. But, you know,

I do believe you have to believe that there's somebody out there for you. Yeah, there might be. Yeah, I don't believe there's not. I don't know. I, when I say I've given up, I meant I've given up trying to reorient what I am and who I am. And I'm not given up the idea that I could really find love. I'm not giving up on that. But yeah, psychoanalysis is not about, I mean, my psychoanalysis wasn't about sort of changing who I was so I could attract a relationship. It was just about learning to believe that I deserved it, you know, and working on

that part of myself. It wasn't about changing who I was. It was about being more accepting of who I was and realizing that I just. deserve what everyone else had, you know, and that's really what it was about. So that's what it would be for you as far as rewiring your subconscious. There's something, there could be something, some story, some sort of thing that you bought into at a very young age that's keeping you from what you ultimately want. And it's not because of your sexuality or any of that. It could just be like some sort of like story you're telling yourself. It could be like a non-deserving thing.

You don't know. It could be. There's a there is a, there is a, belief element that you have that I don't have, which is, well, at least you're, you're demonstrating that you have it. Totally. Yeah. But if you're not getting what you want in your life, I think you're making, you're making the assumption or you're arriving at what is probably a reasonable belief that maybe the things I'm attracting to myself aren't really in alignment and, therefore, maybe psychoanalysis might help

me. I'm putting something out there. And I would say, my life today is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, it's possibly evidence of of misconfigurations in my mind or in my psyche. And it's also possibly that this is just the life I chose at some other level beyond where I even was incarnated. I think I don't, I'm not,

so in other words, if I'm not getting what I want out of life, I don't take that as evidence that there's a necessity for some psychoanalysis, even though I'm in psychotherapy, by the way. But it's because I also don't have a billion dollars. And I really want that. So expensive,

I know. Yeah. So is that evidence that my relationship to money is all effed up? I don't know. I mean, maybe it is. Maybe it's not. I don't know that that's it. Just looking at the results of one's life is not evidence enough to draw a lot of conclusions.

No, I know. But I do believe, like, with relationships, because there are so many people out there. And what I've seen for myself, you know, because I've had relationships issues and I've kept people at distance. And I've sort of copped to sort of reasons for it and been like, you know, I could name a lot of logical reasons why I've never been married or didn't have many long-term relationships. But, you know, basically, I know for myself, when I really, really 100% for a fact, wanted a relationship, which I could count on three fingers, you know, how many times that was in my life, actually, that I was 100% like, I really fucking want somebody in my life. I absolutely had somebody in my life.

And most of the time, there was so many other feelings going on like, yeah, I really wants one. But, you know what I mean? But, you know, and that kind of a thing. So I do think intention plays a lot in what shows up in your life. Absolutely. Because I see it happen in my life all the time. And I do believe that some people have blocks to what they want or what they deserve because of things that are put on them when they're younger.

So some people have a non-deserving thing. And we self-sabotage. That's my belief. It doesn't mean. I don't know that I'm right. I just see it play out my life. And since I follow that, I have been able to change my life in certain ways by sort of rewiring that.

You know what I mean? Like I say. Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah. I don't know that it's true. I just don't hold it as true. I just hold it as reasonable. It's reasonable what you're saying.

Right. I don't know if it's true. Right. And I do apply very similar tactics. Like I, therefore, I'm in therapy. Like, I'm trying to work on things because I suspect something's amiss. Totally. I don't.

I believe it too. And I want to be happy. Yeah. Happier, right? I mean, listen, nobody gets the point. I think a lot of people think, like, And I'm sure you don't because you seem pretty smart. Like that's, you know, you're not about sort of reaching a point in your life where

you're happy every single day and you never have a problem or whatever. Like you might as well just die at that point because I really believe life isn't, you know, is about being all kinds of things and, you know, no one's happy all the time, right? But, you know, you just want that kind of inner fulfillment of feeling like a whole person and, you know, so that you can be thrown and maybe not be happy and be okay with that, right? That's like, to me what, like, it's like more like being at peace with yourself. being grounded, right? Than just being all perpetually happy because it's not realistic.

I'm not ever. Yeah. Right. This might sound, I'm not from New York, but this might sound very New York. I'm not even aiming for happiness. I'm aiming for,

I'm aiming for not misery. Right. I'm miserable. Right. And so why are you miserable? A day where I'm just like, look warm every day, like, eh,

that would be, that's my ideal. Okay, but why are you miserable? Um, well, so I've, I've been lonely my whole life. I, I, but there's a, that's a different show.

I don't, I don't, I don't want to be here. Okay. I don't want to be here. I've never wanted to be on this planet. I don't want to be alive. No, okay, listen, I believe in spiritual stuff. I think you said that. And like, I believe in souls, 1,000 percent.

I believe in souls make a decision to come here. This is my belief. And like probably Oprah would agree with me and some people wouldn't, but some people would. But what I really truly believe is we make a choice to come here. We pick a lot of the big things in our life. And then we go out, then we're born and we take it on. And being a human. being is very fucking different. I could feel myself sometimes from as a soul like I love life as a

soul even as hard as it is but sometimes I could feel like holy shit this is like brutal right being alive is brutal. It's very difficult. It's fucking hard work but we all chose it. We really did and you did. That's what I believe and I you know I you could say whatever you want and you could not believe that right now but when you die you'll realize it's true. Let's say it like this. the fact that it's a choice is not necessarily salvation. So I also believe it's a choice. But I believe the other choice is, so let's talk a little metaphysics for a second. Totally.

I also believe it's a choice, but I don't believe it's a choice made out of joy. I think we are trapped in a dimensional density, and we will keep reincarnating until we can transcend it. And to not reincarnate, we don't have to reincarnate, but we will not leave that, density, this dimensional density, unless we can transcend it in the physical where we originally got trapped. That's how I look at it. Maybe it's Buddhist, it's Eastern, I don't know. Oh, it's different. Everyone looks at the choice. But the fact that if the choice doesn't make the good, it doesn't make it like, well, I chose it, therefore it must be doable. I think I chose it. Therefore, it sucks. I mean, therefore, it could be awesome. Therefore, nothing. Either way, my perspective the whole time,

which has been, I have to transcend it. That's what I'm aiming for, not. But I, but I, I don't, the fact that I may or may not have chose it in my belief system doesn't really provide any salvation for me. Okay, maybe that's why you're miserable. Okay, but what, why? You know, listen, I'll tell you what psychoanalyst call it. Reframing, you need to fucking reframe those thoughts and like really those kind of reframing things really.

The way you think things and the way you frame things, it definitely creates how you feel, right? And reframing things changes how you feel. I would get why feeling that way would make you miserable. If feeling that way, if I felt that way, because I had a very difficult life, I was, shit that was put on me at a very young age was not good. Okay. If I believed your belief, I would be the most miserable fucking person on the planet. I probably would have killed myself a long way.

I thank God, a long time ago. I thank God a lot for like my beliefs because like honestly, like I, because it keeps me sort of happy, quote unquote, right? And sort of moving on and it helps me rise above the things that have happened and it helps me look at the parts of my life that were very challenging as challenges and I feel proud of myself that I got through it and I feel like a better person and I because of the way I look at things it makes me more a happy person because of what I've been through than a miserable person right and strictly my belief and I believe like right maybe I'm fucking wrong but you know what

at the end of my life I'm going to be like thank God I thought that even if I find out that it was all it's fucking crock of shit because it helped me stay sane you know what I mean I mean I I rather with everything you're saying what you're also saying if you've accepted that is that beliefs are narrative. It's just a narrative we've constructed, and some narratives make us feel better, and some don't. And I would put forward that my narrative is, yeah, I could reframe it, but I actually am very comfortable with this narrative. Okay, but you're miserable. You use that word. Maybe you need to use a different word. Because miserable, how you're comfortable being miserable. Wait a minute. Yes, comfort and miserable are not, they're not mutually exclusive.

I, you know, you've heard of people who like really like being miserable. Totally. Capricorns. I'm not I'm a cappercorn? But yeah, but no, I'm a querist. I'm not saying I really like it, but I will say it's who I, who I've come to know and there are benefits to it. I mean, like it, for example, I'm a highly creative person. And at the moment, the times in my life where I've been happy, I don't create crap. I can't write well.

I'm not as interesting. I don't learn as effectively. I'm not as ambitious at work. So there has been benefits to this. And it also allows me to, I don't know. know, think divergent thoughts. I'm a very divergent thinker. I'm a paradoxical thinker.

And all of that, I would say, as a result of being miserable. Right. But are you miserable? But, okay, miserable. Okay. So having like sort of like a diverse feeling, like a array of feelings is important.

Yes. And I think that everyone's life is going to be happy and sad at different times. And more creative people maybe could get stuck in misery longer because they're so sensitive, right? And so they pick up on things. So everything is so much more intense. And that is where we get art from, right? The best songs, the best, you know, poems, poetry, and whatever, paintings, you know,

it all comes from those people who could go to those places and sort of put that out there for us to all. And then we could relate, right, and feel the same feeling. And we could all attach to that. So, yeah, there is something to it. But when you make it like a blanket statement, like you're like sort of miserable and lonely, I think lonely isn't a good thing. There's something about feeling miserable and feeling sort of really down in the dumps

because you threw yourself into a relationship and you fell totally in love with someone and then they broke your heart and then you get this great sort of creative thing out of that. But feeling lonely and never having that experience is a different sort of a thing that I don't think is very healthy. Agreed. No argument. Only is why we're on the show. There's loneliness.

We're not designed as a species to really cope well with loneliness. Really not? Right. Right. So, right. So you're lonely and that's really probably the thing that would be, you know, sort of connected to what we're talking about, all these sexual experiences, all these sort of first relationships you had with women, you know, and how they treated you and how you've never had many long-term

relationships and you're not married yet. And maybe there's a part of you that wants those things in your life. Do you want those things in your life? Oh, absolutely. That's why I'm posting the ad. I'm looking for connection. I'm constantly seeking it out. And I really do want it.

And I've had glimpses of relationships that were satisfying to me, and I love it. I just love it. It fits my personality in other ways that it fits it like a glove because I'm very routine-oriented. While also being a nut and creative and eccentric, I actually are very disciplined, very organized, and I'm a routine guy, and I think that really works well for a relationship. I don't need a lot. I don't need to go out a lot. I live, I do my chores.

I have a lot of these qualities which I think are conducive to sharing life with somebody. Right. That's what I want. That's what I want. Okay. So are you in therapy trying to sort of work on why you don't like how, it's been since 35 that you sort of like figured out that maybe you want a more long-term

relationships from the time you're 35 to now that you're 44. Like what has been your longest relationship or experiences with women? Six months. Okay. And what happened with that relationship? By the way, I did hear that slight little giggle. I didn't giggled at all. No way.

You should. Please, I could have had three months. I mean, you know, when you get, listen, when you get older, six months is a long time. Six months is like a two-year relationship when you're 22, okay? Most relationships when you're older last three months. You know somebody two to three months. You know, like get the fuck out, you know, because you're smarter and you've been around the block. In each six months and in each case, I was over it in like four weeks.

I knew. Right. So you just lingered. Right. Because you do know more. year older. Yeah, I did. I even knew that when I was younger. Six months is almost like probably the longest all my life. And that's at any age group. And I always know, I know within a few weeks, but I stay in it because I want to make sure I'm doing my due diligence. Like, am I missing something?

Is there a growth opportunity here? Maybe, maybe I could give more than I receive. I try all kinds of different things out. And then I'm like, okay, time to get. I can't do this anymore. It's fake. So I leave. Right. And so you split. And then that's the deal. And now, are you in therapy because you've like you want your relationships to be better? Like, what made you go to therapy? I'm in therapy. I think so the relationship, my relationship desires, which I would accept your characterization.

It's one dimension of why I went to therapy. It's because if you were to take that dimension, relationship, my frustration with trying to be loved and loving, with somebody I can resonate with, it's like that would mean every other part of life, too. my personal life outside of career, I have nothing. The only thing working well for me in my life is my career. Oh, see, right.

Of course, and that's never going to, I mean, listen, people say this all the time, and it's very true. And I remember learning this in psychology that, like, happiness only goes up and down, like the actual feeling of happiness could only be sort of affected by the quantity and quality of your relationships. They've done studies where after a certain amount of money, like money doesn't do it.

Nothing does it. The only thing that actually will change your sort of feelings of happiness and make you feel more fulfilled or the quantity and quality of your relationships. And a lot of people, most of the time, if you really think about the people in your life who are the most miserable, it's the people who have the least amount of friends and don't sort of interact with people on a certain level. And I think when you get older, you know, friends, you know, you've been doing your friends thing, your whole fucking life.

I mean, that's why I had a baby recently. I have a newborn right now. And it was like very much because by the time I turned 40 as a woman, and I still hadn't had a relationship, I had a baby on my own. I felt like something, I wanted more out of my life. But I got to tell you, it was fucking brutal doing that because I had to change that story. So it's very, very hard, but I do believe it can be changed. And it should be changed because, you know, I don't think it's right that you're not meant to have things that you should.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, but I don't know that I don't disagree. I don't know that it's necessarily. It's a belief. I don't know. I mean, if you want to talk metaphysics again, who knows? Maybe the life you chose is one where you're going to struggle with having and giving and deserving. And maybe you chose, for example, let's say, let's take the choice premise. You chose to come into this world with no arms and no legs and you're blind. And you felt, you know, you could teach yourself a lesson. I believe if you have issues and problems, you're meant to work on them. And I do believe if you're lonely, you know, you should. work on that. You know, I think that there's something about people who feel lonely. It's kind of like something that you could work on with yourself first, right? It's, it may not even be that somebody else could come in and give you that. I don't know. Or maybe you're just bored of

yourself, which I totally understand, right? Like, maybe... Actually, for me, being alone is an addiction. I love being alone. Right. And it's like, it's a growth opportunity why I really want a relationship to be with other people. Right. So it's not really lonely. Right. That's what I, that's what I was Yeah, but I do get lonely in a different way. It's not like, oh, I wish I would hang out in somebody. It's I'm lonely for some of the things like you described that other people have, and I see it. Not that I want what they have because they all look miserable to me in their relationships,

but I want my version of that because I believe I am capable of a more enlightened relationship that is nice. So I'm lonely for a future that I see. I'm sorry, I have friends that have really great relationships. Those exist, and I believe, like, when you, you know, so you could have a, yeah, that evolve. Yeah, I believe that you have friends like that. I don't. I believe they're out there. No, but I believe you.

I know. I believe lots of people are capable of it. I've not seen it. Yeah, it's not the typical relationship. It's not the 90% of people out there, but 10% of people have a relationship where it doesn't sound like they're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. They're just like really good friends and they really like each other and they're like a good team, you know, and I see that a lot.

And I, you know, but I think that, listen, the other relationships that are very difficult, but we learn from those too. I feel like sometimes my listeners who are like listening with hard ons to your stories in the beginning. And then they're like, fuck you, Kathy, because I take it on such a different level. Do you know what I mean?

Like I could still be asking you about all the things you put in your ass and how many guys you fucked. And like, well, here we are talking about all the psychology stuff. And sometimes I think like, I don't know if that makes for bad podcasts. But I get interested in all these other things. And I know that you are one of the people who wrote me and was like,

I don't think that I'm that interesting. Is, Are you the one that said that to me in the email? I don't know. I don't remember what I said. I don't think I could fill up an hours worth of conversation. Wasn't that you? No, that was not me.

Oh, okay. I was going to be like, are you kidding me? I could, you have five hours of conversation. Do you understand? We haven't even started. Exactly. That's how I feel. I know.

I started asking the questions, the dialogue would be taking. We'd go very heavy. No, no, there's no, there's no you asking any questions. Don't worry. It's me asking you the questions. But I feel like I'm. have a million more questions. I'm going to go a little longer on this podcast if it's okay with you. Like a little bit more questions about your sexuality because that's what we started with, right?

Now, I don't know. If you know for a fact when you were younger, you had like all that ass play. And when you were 30, let's get to when you lost your virginity with guys. What happened at 30? I lost my virginity to a guy around 36, 37. Right. And how did you meet that guy? I finally at that age, at Craigslist, at that age, decided whatever barriers, were holding me back from having to have sex with the guy. And at that time, the bears were like, I thought, oh, maybe it's just a fetish.

It's just a thing. It's not going to really lead you anywhere you want in life. And finally, I was like, who cares? Even if it leaves me nowhere, I want to do it. So I kind of abandoned the dialogue that was keeping me out of it. I was like, all right, I'm going to do it. And it was the first person actually was a transsexual

with a fully functional cock. And I wanted to... And it looked like a girl. Oh, yeah. She was definitely a female in appearance. Totally. I wanted that because I thought it was safer for me emotionally. Yeah.

I had been with girls who used strap-ons and such, and that was fine. I love that. That's great. But I wanted to know, is there something, is there something that's going to click inside me when I had the real thing biologically? Mm-hmm. And it wasn't that anything clicked, but it was substantially better. It was a, because I knew she or he, was,

getting physical pleasure from the act as well. Totally. It was much more of a reciprocation, and I loved it. And then it was like six months later, I was like, all right, I'm going to try a guy. And then I did. Right. And it was great. Was it a guy too, or was it like any different because it was a guy?

There was that awkwardness because I don't, yeah, it was a little awkward, but the physical part, I loved it. I like the physical part. I like being the recipient. I like being in that position. You like the bottom, your bottom. Yeah, yeah. I've tried the other. It doesn't work for me.

But it's all about, this is a part of me. Perhaps there's a term people are throwing around a lot now with gender fluidity. But I really like being in, it's not just about power or submissive. It's being, when you're being penetrated, you're the recipient of the energy. And you're controlling the flow in a very different way. It's not like you're giving up your power, but I love that. I like where my body is the vessel. where somebody is

really getting off inside me. It's a very, it's a very incredible feeling. Right. And how many got, like, have you been with a lot of guys? Like,

after once you sort of open up that yourself to that sort of thing, where you're like totally crazy for dudes and like fucking a million guys? Or like, how many, have you had a lot of experience with men since? Yeah,

but not totally crazy. Always safe. I still have, even drunk, I would still apply certain filters of like, all right, we're wearing a condom. And you sound.

sketch you can't write in a complete sentence we're not doing this right and you if you spend any time on Craigslist you might know one of the differentiators of danger and non is people's ability to use grammar effectively so that's my filter if somebody can't write and guys are notorious for like dude sup let's do it right and i don't you know like okay dumb ass let's create a sentence together so if somebody can write or articulate themselves intelligently yeah there's going and there's a Certain mindset I like, yeah, we go and do it. And I've probably at this point been with 30 guys over 10 years, 11 years. And now when you're in a relationship with a woman, like do you miss guys or do you feel like an inclination to sort of want to go and be with a guy?

Or like, are you cool? I do. Yeah. Once I'm frustrated, it's once the point where I know the relationships over, I start craving a male or a dominant female or both. I start craving like, I want to go get, you know, whipped and dominated by a woman. moment or I want to be dominated by a man. Does that happen naturally while you're still in the relationship or that happens right after the relationship ends?

Oh, in, I've never cheated though. I always get out and then I go pursue what I want. Right. Yeah, you need to have a relationship with a girl that's going to go to those places with you when you start to get bored because that's sort of what you like sexually. You got it. And there are people, I mean, listen to my podcast. There are people out there that have exactly what you're looking for.

It exists. It does. Women that they can have a swing or relationships with. Yeah. I'm not looking for a, I'm not looking to be able to be in a relationship and fuck 20 people at the same time. I don't need that. I just want a woman who's going to be able to go to those places with me and I'll go on her journey.

But I think typically it's, well, it may be a little one-sided because I'm probably going to be creating that, you know, wacky journey of left and right. But yeah, you got it. No, I had a guy on here who a lot, I've had multiple men on here who are into sleeping with guys and sleeping with women. And they're very monogamous. Like, they're not cheaters. like you would think, and they're not like all up, but they have that desire to be with both. And they have women that allow them,

and they've had relationships where that totally works, and they have real great relationships with women. So it's definitely possible for sure. I forget the episodes. You should listen to them. They're really great. I think part of it is geography. I've never lived in an awesome place where they,

I think you have to be kind of like New York or the Pacific North West. I'm not going to out you. I see where you're calling me from, okay. and it doesn't even matter. Okay, where you're calling me from. And it's not Florida because of all the freaks live in Florida, but like you live in a freaky place. Okay, no different than New York.

But let me tell you, I get calls from all over. No, that's not correct. You are wrong. Okay, okay, fine. That's fine. Your pool? Oh, wait, wait, wait. I've let you.

I'm kidding. It's your show. I love your show. No, no. Your pool of applicants is 1,000 times the size of my pool, and that makes a difference. Totally, yeah. When I go on Craigslist,

I see the massive difference in where. the ads are posted. Absolutely. But what I was getting, what my point is that like I get calls from all kinds of freaky people that are into all kinds of different things and these people live in all kinds of places. Do you understand? A lot of them, what happens is I'll post on New York or like a bigger city and I get people who are like 10 states away and they tell me that they found me because they were on New York looking because that's where they get more ads. But they live in Nebraska. You know what I mean? They're in fucking Nebraska and they have they have freak flags that you wouldn't believe. So I believe that there's people

that are into all kinds of things in all different places. They might not be advertising it and is harder that way, absolutely. But I do believe that they exist. I do believe 100% that if you decide I want... But that's not in debate. Right. That...

I don't think we're in agreement on that. Okay, cool. So you could find a woman that is... Because what you're looking for and correct me if I'm wrong, and I know that you will, that you're looking for a woman, right, that you could fall in love with. and have a very monogamous relationship with, who's a dominatrix,

who will also let you fuck a guy every now and then? You, I wouldn't, yeah, you're right, I will correct. Almost, yeah. I mean, I want her to be a part-time dominatrix in the bedroom. When we have that need, I want that to be on, yes. Right, you want her to be able to go there. Yeah, but I also want to say, in response to a word you used before,

it's not because I'm into that. It's because at this point, whether it's who I am or not, it may as well be my identity because it is, it's not a fetish. It's not like, oh yeah, I get off when a girl spits gum in my face. It's not that. It's part of my identity at this point, and I cannot find a way to connect the right emotional fabric

to my sexual experience if those things aren't involved. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, and that's cool. And there's plenty of women, especially Shades of Grey made a lot of women sort of come, I think, make them felt, like, feel, like, sort of better about themselves. They came to the wrong side. I know. They all wanted to be submissive and be, like, have roses thrown at them while they're tied up.

Oh, yeah, I forgot. You want the opposite, right? You want the guy with the girl, right? That book did a disservice to me because it flooded. It flooded the kink community with all these women who just want to be swept off their feet by billionaires. That didn't help. I got to tell you. Right.

Okay. Forget about that one. Forget about that. You're right. Right, that was your fucking bad. Venus and Furs. Yeah. You need to read Venus and Furs.

There's been books out there that have popularized the alternative, but there are nothing recent and nothing popular today. But Victorian literature had a few. There's a few out there. Right. But I do believe that there is, and I do believe that the dominant woman who has that sort of inclination to be that way is the same kind of girl that would probably be. open to watching you get fucked in the ass by another guy.

Do you understand? Like, I think that that totally goes with that personality. So I think you're, that's like, that's where you're lucky. Like, that's the same girl.

It is. It is. They does go together. And I have met some. And I think that they're probably more disciplined like you are. Because you're into discipline. Their whole life is about that. Like I,

and I think a lot of what I've heard from some guys who are the dominance, that they're very sort of, like, it's like sort of opposite. Like a lot of times people who are very passive in their life want to be dominant in their sex life and vice versa, right? Because I know that you said you don't want someone that's very dominant in real life in the relationship, right? You don't want, right? I want equality in the relationship.

I want, yeah. Right. It's balanced for me. Right, totally. But you want someone that could come off and do that. So I think that, you know, you could find, I just think that that person exists for you. It does. There's never been a debate about that.

from the beginning, that's why I'm posting ads. Not because I don't think it exists. I know it exists. Right, but you're not going to find that person on Craigslist. You're not going to find that on Craigslist. I do believe. That's where we should have spread the show. There's not a lot of girls on Craigslist, okay, dominatrix looking for a guy to do that.

Wait, wait, stop using that term dominatrix. Okay. You're not going to be open-minded women who are evolved in the way I'm involved. Right. Right. Listen, I'm super evolved, but I don't want to do that with a guy. Like, I don't think that like being evolved means that you're into different things sexually. Like, but everyone has different inclinations.

Right, right. Right. But I do believe, though, that you could meet a girl at, on OKCupid. I swear to you. Like, I think you should just be dating in the regular pool of people. I am. Oh, that's good. I do.

It doesn't produce anything. But I've been on OKCupid for a while. So, you know, when they'd, when they send you, like, I don't know if you ever used it. I did. Every once in a while, they release some data that says, like, where are the people in the country that you should be, like, are most compatible with you after you do, like, a thousand questions or whatever.

And it always tells me the same places. It's New York, Seattle, and Portland. So it always tells me. My baby was born in Portland. I know all about Portland. Well, it shows me the map, and I can see it. And when I look at my own area, it's like dead zone for me. Did you ever think, let me ask you this.

Did you ever think about possibly moving from where you are? Yeah. Oh, and I probably will relocate to Seattle within the next two years or Portland. Not New York. I can't handle the density. But yeah. Yeah, Portland's great. Portland's a weird place. And it's like I really feel like there's a lot of lazy people there. So if you like, you know, you're not lazy, you could rule the plan. I mean, you could run for mayor and you'll be hired. Like, I mean, it's a pretty easy place to excel because people are very, it's like a weird kind of place. But it's really beautiful and it's kind of interesting. It's got a weird vibe, though. I have to tell you, as far as second. sexuality is concerned, but I think there's a lot of freaks there, but they don't wear it on their

sleeve, but I think that you will find a more higher concentration of people that maybe are looking for what you're looking for there or, like, in a bigger city, absolutely. So I think that's great that you're thinking about relocating, you know, within the next two years. Your job will allow for that? Yeah, I can kind of go anywhere I want. Just not today, but I can soon. So all the women you meet are vanilla and you dated a lot. I think you just have to keep trying. think it is really hard to find that right person. It doesn't just happen a lot of times with the, you know, with the first person you date. But if you keep at it and you keep in therapy and you keep that intention of that's exactly

what you fucking want and you won't take anything other than that, you'll get it. I do believe that. I seriously do. I think there's a lot of people. I look at my friends that are dating a lot and saying they really want a relationship. But I could clearly see that they have walls up and they're really not ready for it, even though they think that they are. On some level, they're sort of closed off.

I do believe on when you're completely open and completely ready and 100. And if you're a person like you who's very self-aware, it would take for every part of your being to be 100% convinced that that's exactly what you want. And when that happens, you will get it. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I accept your characterization of me, but I reject that that's what it would take. Okay. And that's not realistic. Okay.

And there's always going to be, even in you, and all the places you've seen. healed in your life. Now tell me, was it 100% clearance? There have been times in my life where I 100% knew who I wanted, what I wanted, and when I knew with clarity and there was not a doubt in my mind and there was nothing about me that was saying, oh, but maybe that can't happen. I absolutely got it and I believe that 100%. Yet it's very hard to do. You're talking about that one dimension of your life. And I'm saying, and for me, maybe even if I clear and I want it with all all my being that a resonant, healthy relationship, it's just not in the cards. No, it's in the car.

No, it's in the car. You don't, but you're, if you apply your philosophy. But believing that you, believing that on some level it might not be possible right there just goes against that, that's a very new age notion. Right. Would go against attracting that to you. I mean, come on. Why you're, you, to think that you're that special or that unique or that different

that in all of your life. I mean, so many people attract relationships into their life. There's no reason why you can't. It's almost egotistical if you think about it, to think that, like, it's just not meant to be. Everybody has relationships. That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, it's not meant to be. Your criteria is outlandish in a way, because you're saying, if I'm not getting what I want,

you applied, let's go back like five minutes. You said it has to be 100% in your whole being. And if there's one little moment of blah, blah, blah, blah, it's not going to. going to happen. And I'm saying, that's a dangerous statement to make because you could be 80% and get what you want. You don't have to be 100%. And if you make that, you're, if you make that, there are some parts of your life. Yes, I agree that things are easier to attract to you than not. But when you have a thing with relationships, I believe, and I've seen this with people, that if you don't have one and you really want one, there's probably some sort of blockage. But if you really want it and

you're really ready for it, I do believe the right person comes about. I believe that There is somebody for everybody. I believe that it's very easy for people to meet people who are compatible with you. It's just a matter of timing and a matter of wanting it and a matter of being ready for it in your life. That's what I believe. I don't disagree, but let's switch dimensions for a second. I used to be broke all the time. And I get all kinds of like meditations and work on like, what's my relationship to money?

I just did all these things. I could never find a good job. And then one day when I was 34, and I would say nothing. I didn't change my belief about money. All of a sudden, I got a job offer that was pretty good. And then it led to something else and led to something else. Suddenly that part of my life worked. But my philosophy hasn't really changed.

And I'm not saying I'm right in that. This isn't evidence of anything other than I'm not sure that you have to be 100% clear before the door just opens. I think sometimes it just opens. Right, right, right. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe for me, because I'm so self-aware, and because I'm so looking at myself in the mirror, I don't mean that as a bragging thing.

I mean, like, it's just because I'm always like analyzing shit, and that's like what I'm into, and it's like my self-helpie shit is like my sort of hobby. That's what I mean, you know, because I'm so in tune with how I feel and clear about what I want at all times, that's what it takes for me. And I believe that you're very similar in that

because you seem super introspective. And I just think that people that are that way, it does go. go against you if you have any part of yourself that has any kind of doubt. Whereas I think people that are the opposite who aren't sort of self-aware and they're not paying attention, shit just happens to them like people say, oh, you meet someone when you least expect it, right? Because they don't know what they want or what they don't want because they're not paying attention to it. And it just happens at a different time. But because I pay hyper attention to my shit, it has, it's been like two

plus two equals four. When I want it, I find it. When I don't. And there's some part of me that kind of doesn't want it, I don't, and that's just the way that it goes. I don't disagree. I think that's a beautiful sentiment, and I'm going to add something to it you might like. Sure. I think there's something to the notion of surrender when you can't. And this is what I feel like. I'm not saying, it's not missing in your philosophy, but I'm not hearing you say it,

though I believe you probably believe it too. And that's what I keep resisting when you're talking. I think we hit moments in our life where we're like, you know what, I don't know the answer. I don't have the solution. I can't figure it out. I probably have blocks at some level and I can't get rid of them. And I'm not saying I quit, but I'm saying I think I just have to surrender and stop resisting. Stop fighting the battles internally and let something else happen.

There's a moment of magic where you stop controlling it. Right, because listen, trying, like I always say, like, people say like I'm trying to do something. Like it's such a negative word. Like when people, like, I quit smoking a long time ago and people would say, like, what if you can? And I'm like, what does that even mean? I could, if I want to quit smoking, I will. It does it. It might be really, really, really, really, really, really hard.

But if I want to do it, I'll do it. There's no trying. I'm not going to try to. You know, people will be like, I'm going to try to quit smoking in September. It's like, what do you mean try? You're either going to quit or you're not. The trying is bullshit. So when you are trying for something that is this sort of negative kind of a thing, right?

So, yes, there is that magical moment when you stop trying and you just sort of no. And maybe you're not putting out that negative stuff. and so you attract it. So it still is that power positive thinking, yes, I don't believe in that. And it just stops mattering. Right, maybe. Who knows?

Right. Yeah, if you believe that your negative stuff doesn't matter, then it won't. It's all that crazy. Listen, I think the secret was bullshit too. I think people that, in a way,

I agree with you. I believe that some people that think, oh, it's just so easy. I just think positive and everything comes to me because some people are meant to be broke their whole life because they have to be poor and they're learning from that.

You know what I mean? Not everyone could have, every single thing it's not their life path right but i think that if you have a serious urge in you and that is bringing you to therapy and you want you know and then then that's for a reason and you know you wouldn't be if you were just meant to be single your whole life and that's just your thing you know you wouldn't be thinking about it you wouldn't be sort of lonely quote unquote right you wouldn't be trying to have a relationship i don't know that that's true i think that's a reasonable thing you're saying

I thought that same thing. I think it's reasonable. I happen to believe that. I think I wouldn't be in so much resistance to my reality if it was what I was destined for. So that goes along with the philosophy you just outlined. It's reasonable. I hope it's true. I don't know.

Yeah. See, that's where, like, when you say things like, I hope it's true, that's such a passive sort of, and when you said something very early on when you're like, you know, I sort of gave up, I don't really believe, you know, like, those are like sort of, sort of. of a passive sort of stance on how your life goes. I do believe you're in more control than that, you know? We could be. You know, I don't like that. We could be, maybe. It sounds right. I'll tell you why. Whenever you make a universal where you say, which you like it or not, you do speak in some universals. And that's why I keep

resistant to it. I'm like, it may be true. I don't know. And you're like, oh, it's that passive. I'm like, well, you hold up that universal. Every time I've done that, my life, it's crumbled in front of me. So I don't do it anymore. I'm like, okay, I don't know the answers. I don't have the system, but I will apply various systems and I will try them out. If they work, that's awesome. And if they don't, that's okay too, because I wasn't that committed to them anyway. Right. That's all I'm going to say, and we're going to end this on this, and then we're going to have a part two and a part three with you because there's like a thousand other things I would talk to you about. I just don't like my podcast to be longer than an hour. This is a little

at an hour and 20, but it's okay. I wanted to go longer. The last thing I'm going to say is like what I believe then, what I also believe in is like when you want something and you know you want it and you never get deterred. So you just keep dating vanilla girls until you meet someone who's chocolate or whatever to fucking flavor you're looking for. Because that person exists and I believe it, you know, but we have to have a part too because I'd love to talk more about like your sexual stuff because I feel like, you know, you had that out on there that was like, I don't know whether I'm by or straight or gay or whatever. And this turned into a podcast about all kinds of other things, which is fine. This is why I like to do my podcast this way,

because, you know, I haven't had any other podcasts that was about this topic, but I know my listeners would like to hear about all your other sexual things. So, you know, maybe we'll have you back on. Yeah. Okay. Don't sound so depressed. I'm sorry? Could you repeat that? No, I said, don't sound so depressed. You're like, yeah, okay. No, no, I'm not depressed. I hear you rapping, so I don't want to like, make an obstacle and start a new topic because I usually could. Yeah, no, yeah, I got a wrap because, like I said, I don't like my podcast, but I always have repeat callers on.

You know, I'd love to have you back on because I feel like there's so many things that we didn't talk about and I could get some really great episodes from you. Like I said, there's stuff that I didn't cover here, which was the initial thing. You talked a lot about peeing on people like, I want to go into that. But like I said, I don't want to keep going with this one, but I'd love to have you back on. Okay. And do it part two. Thanks so much for calling in. Lance, right? That's what we called you. I forgot. Yeah, we did.

All right, Lance. This is just the tip of the iceberg. This is just part one of Lance. All right. Thanks a lot. All right. Thanks for calling in. Bye. Bye. Bye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, secret sex lives of total strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and

rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. Chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is a available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me.

Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of comments. We have lots of where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community, and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will say,

send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. You have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone. Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com with your story and your story.

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