Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 1234 - Kink and Fetishes Explained w/the The Kink Consultant, Amanda Dames

Episode Date: September 27, 2025

The Kink Consultant, Amanda Dames, called in to discuss kinks and fetishes and how she helps people work with them. Tune in to hear her discuss the different ways she works with couples as well as singles, the difference between a kink and a fetish, her fetish and how it has gotten in the way of her relationships, how and why sex is important in a relationship, how guys can explain their fetish to their partners and why its important to maintain a balance when it comes to your requests, where to meet fellow kinky people, how she advises people to get onto the lifestyle and how she vets places for them to try out, how and why she helps people choreograph scenes ahead of time during a session, why sex clubs aren’t great place to go to meet someone, apps that are preferable, how and why munches as well as national fetish parties are great way to meet like minded others, how she helps people both in person and online and how the sessions are set up plus a whole lot more. You can find all her courses here: https://www.amandadames.com/store **To see HOT pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠   To join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712   Want to be on the show? Email me at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or go to ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confess while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed.   Sponsors:  ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://vb.health⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ To get 10% off Drive Boost by VB Health use code: STRICTLY ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://beducate.me/pd2528-anonymous⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Use code: ANONYMOUS to get 50% off your yearly pass plus get a 14-day money-back guarantee ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://uberlube.com/discount/Strictly⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Use code: STRICTLY for 10% off Uberlube aka the BEST Lube EVER ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://bluechew.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Get your first month of the new Blewchew Max FREE! use code: STRICTLYANON ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://viia.co/STRICTLYANON⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Try VIIA and use code STRICTLYANON for great SEX and sleep ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://butterwellness.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Use the code “STRICTLY” at checkout for 20% off your entire order To get $15 OFF your female oxytocin arousal tablets and more, use code STRICTLY here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://shamelesscare.sjv.io/xLQ3Jv⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Follow me! Instagram ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Twitter ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Website: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You want to be on the show. I'm always looking for people to call in the way to get in touch with me if you want to be on the show. I change everyone's voices, by the way. That's why it's called Strictly Anonymous. You make up a fake name. I'll change your voice. If you want to be on the show, send me an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Atgumel.com or go to my website, Strickly Anonymouspodcast.

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And if you speak clearly and there's not a lot of noise in the background, make it on to a confessions episode. The rest I'll make it on to my Patreon. Now, my Patreon is super fun and I think it's a really good deal. I mean, some people complain about the ads and the up and the intros. And let me just tell you on Patreon, you will get every single episode. I do six a week. So six times four, that's 24 episodes.

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my private discord. Now my private discord is very fun. I have thousands of people on there too. Everyone gets super naughty over there. I don't get involved in my discord. It's more of a private community, but that's a not safe for work site. It is 18 plus as well, but you could get in there. Like I said, I give it as an incentive if you sign up for my patron or buy my book. Send me a screen. shot of your purchase order and I'll send you the Discord link and if you sign up for my Patreon I will email you the link to Discord and all the links to everything like I said is in the description last time I'm going to tell you about is I do have a great deal with SDC.com they're my favorite adult dating site and they offer my listeners a three day free trial.

What's great about them is you can not only meet people there to hook up with. You could also learn about all the gangbangs and all the lifestyle events in your area as well as read up on articles and learn about the lifestyle. For your free trial, go to sCC.com and use my code 37712 or just go to the description and click on the link. Everything I talk about is in the description. Okay, today I have Amanda Dames back on my show. She came on before.

She is the kink consultant. She came on before to talk a lot about her personal life, even though she is the king consultant. We talked more about her personal life on that episode because she does have a really interesting backstory. She didn't start out as a kink consultant. She started out as a kinky girl herself. She was a dominatrix.

She's been a switch. She's been there, done that. And she gave me that whole story on her first episode. But this time I was like, come back as an expert. You know, we eventually got to the point in her story where she decided to become the experts. So you hear that story. But on this episode, we talk much bigger picture about what she does and how she helps people with their kinks and their desires and their fetishes. Fetishes is or their fattie.

say that word fetishes is fetishes oh my god I'm so stupid she has a fetish herself she talks about hers but she does like I said we do talk bigger picture on here she talks about the issue she sees with clients how she helps people she's really great she knows a lot about kink in that world because she's lived it and now she helps other and she gives so many tips and information on this episode just too much for me to explain right now I don't want to give it all the way you're going to have to listen. But if you have a kink or a fetish and you're curious about how to bring it up to your partner or you brought it up and you're having issues or you want to meet a partner who you can be open with, that's like-minded. You're going to get a lot out of

this call. So I'm going to be, and she does give out discounts and really great discounts actually to my audience at the end. So make sure to listen and all the links and the discounts will be in the description. So anyway, I'm going to be right back on with Amanda Dames. Hi, Amanda Dames. Welcome back to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. How are you today? I'm doing well. Thank you so much for having me back. I'm excited. No, I'm excited because, you know, you came on before. You are the kink consultant. I don't know why you weren't on earlier because you sort of talk about everything that I talk about with my clients, but you're the professional. Last time we talked, though, we didn't talk so much about your professional life. We talked about your life story because you do have a really interesting backstory. in kink because you were a dom, a natrix. Like that's how you started. So I do have that your whole story on another episode. But I wanted you to come back and talk more as a professional.

Because of course we touched upon the fact that you turned into the kink consultant. And now you help couples and people deal with their kinks and their fetishes and all that kind of good stuff. You have classes. You do coaching. So we're going to talk bigger picture here now, right? Love it. Yeah. And that's exactly it.

Like, my past has just continued to lead me toward the work I do now. So, and I was a pro sub, too. So I've done both, I've been on both sides of the coin or of the flash, as they say, in the kink world. And let's just start off with what you do and how you help people and the different ways that you work. And then we'll, like, I'll ask specific questions. I got some questions for my Patreon people.

I have some questions for you, bigger picture about kinks and fetishes, but you do work with couple, like explain exactly who you help, how you help, what you do. Yeah, sure. So I am a certified sex and relationship coach, and I specialize in kink. But that's not, it's not just kink I work on, but that's 90% of my clients. And what I do is I work with couples and individuals who want to introduce and maintain kink in their lives. So for the individuals I work with, a lot of them have been lifelong fetishists or they have kinks and they don't know how to explore. Or they're feeling a lot of shame about what they enjoy.

And they just want to remove that shame so they can start to enjoy it. because they know where they want to be, they just don't know how to get there. So I help a lot of people with fetishes, sort of overcome them, but also just keeps. It's like, oh, I want a dominant man. I want a dominant woman. I'm like, all right, let's make that happen. Let's figure out what the blockers are and get you to your goal. And then I also work with couples who, a lot of my couples are people over 40 who, you know,

they're at a stage in their life where maybe their kids are a little older and they want to get passion back in the bedroom. And they've heard about kink. They've always been curious. They just don't know how to go about it in the way that, turns them on, feels like they feel a little nervous bringing it up to their spouse. So they kind of bring me in to mediate for them. I love that.

I'm like a relationship sex mediator. And basically that business is what I do with that is I created the service I wish I had in previous relationships where I was not aligned kinkwise with my partner. And I just wish someone could come in and help bridge the gap so that we could talk to each other. So I started to do that. And that really took off and resonated with couples who just felt. that they weren't speaking the same language and oftentimes they weren't. So I came and I

sort of like translated for them. And then they were able to get on the same page. I could see how that could really help, especially with, you're talking about like established couples. I mean, I also think, you know, singles. Because like, I know I put out a question to my Patreon members like, oh, I'm talking to Amanda Dames Kink consultant. You have any questions? And somebody said, like, how do I start out if I want to date somebody? Like, where do I find people? Like, you know, how do I start on my Kink journey and all that kind of good stuff? I think you could be very helpful too with people sort of going out and trying to find that right person so that they'd be on the same page to begin with. So you could help them either at that place or the couple that maybe hasn't,

wants to go on that journey, but needs to figure out how to do that because their partner's not hearing them correctly or whatever, like you said, which I think is super helpful to have a mediator because most of the time in situations like that, you know, the person has been talking for a long time and the other person just doesn't get it. And sometimes you just don't know how to speak the other person's language. That's 100%. And it's hard. And it's hard. It's hard. It's hard to be vulnerable and be so open and honest about something that you might feel a little shame or embarrassment about to put yourself out there like that. So sometimes it's helpful to bring someone else in, like be in your corner. Yeah. Could you describe, though, like what is a kink? What does it mean? Like when you're saying, oh, couples come to me when they just want to like, you know, talk about their kink or express it. Like what's a what's a kink? How is it different than a fetish? Like, you know, name a couple of them. absolutely so a kink is a really broad definition i always talk about it like a spectrum it's basically anything that isn't your run-of-the-mill penis and vagina sex that would be but then like gay sex also

comes into it and that's not kinky either so it's like anything that would not be considered quote unquote normal is kinky would it really in reality that when i'm talking to people it's sort of any fantasy they have that has any type of variation on quote unquote normal sex So sometimes it's having your hands pinned above your head. Sometimes it's being, it's a little degradation, like being called a dirty slut, which is a hot thing. But that's a little bit kinky and sometimes people feel nervous telling their partner they want that. So kink is a broad spectrum and it can go from anywhere from some like extreme, like a little more extreme dirty talk to full on bondage being tied up, ball gag, hair pulled. and then there are all these other different corners of the BDSM world that get even deeper.

So that's the spectrum we're talking about with kink. And then if you want to talk about fetishes, a kink is something that's sort of nice to have, but you can orgasm without it. That's why a lot of couples have been together for 20 years and they're like, I'm kinky, but it hasn't been a major player for me, but now I'd like to introduce it. Then we have a fetishist. I myself am one. And a fetishist is someone or a fetish is something that you absolutely,

absolutely need to achieve orgasm. For example, I have never orgasmed without imagining, thinking about, or taking part in some type of disciplinary action. So sometimes I'm running a fantasy in my head of like being spanked. Sometimes I've actually just been spanked. It's a need as opposed to want. Well, but let me just say with something, what you just said there is so key because it made me start thinking about like, what am I thinking about when I'm getting fucked sometimes

just to push me over the edge? Like the fact that you brought up, but I've never heard someone say this before, but that this could be mean you have a fetish that it's like whatever it is maybe eat. Not that you're even just doing, but thinking about, right? Because maybe you're with a partner that doesn't do it. But it's what you're thinking about when you do it. And I bet you there's a lot of people that have that secret fantasy in their head that they're thinking about that pushes them over the ad to have an orgasm. And you would say like if that's something they do all the time, like that would be a fetish. Exactly.

Yes. Thank you for breaking it down like that. And so many people, some of the work I do with them, it's just giving them permission to run a fantasy in their head during sex because I don't know where this message came out that during sex you have to be in the moment and you can't be thinking about your own fantasy in your head. But that's simply not true.

You can have a fantasy running to push you over the edge. Oh my God. I don't know. I've never been with anyone for 25 years. I used to do something called marriage math and it horrified me. I'm like, I, you know, I just, you know, could never see myself. with somebody for like 50, 60 years, but I'm sorry if you're begging the same person for 56 years. Are you telling me those people aren't thinking about other things when they're fucking people?

I mean, come on. There's no way. I think that's why sex falls off. I actually think that that is one of the reasons why like when you find out of your people. Yes, they're not thinking, they don't know that they can or they're not interested enough to explore it. Yeah. Because maybe sex isn't super important to everyone, which I have to remind myself of too sometimes. Oh, yeah, it's not everyone's driving for it. But it is, but I'm sorry, and I've been talking a lot more professionals, and this is, and I, and this is, and I have a lot of sex therapy, it's been on my show. And I think it's so important what you guys are doing. And someone the other day was like, listen, I know that a lot of people think sex is like, so, you know, shallow or surface thing. But it's really not in a relationship. It is a big, it is not a big piece. It's a piece of the pie, though, right? Of any relationship. It's a difference between, like, your best friend and your partner. I mean, like, you know, that's a difference between the person that you're married. to and everybody else. Like you actually fuck them and sleep with them.

And it is, so to me, it is a, a necessary part of a relationship in a marriage. And when that falls apart and is missing, everything else is affected. It's like every other part of the pie too that's needed. It's like,

you know, they all need to be there. And that's one of them. And I'm sorry, it's an important one. Same like everything else. Same like communication and all the other things. You're so,

I like the way you put that because the way I was described, it's like, I love chocolate. It's not all of my, diet, but if you tell me I can't have chocolate or chocolate's taken away, I'm a lot sadder in life. Yeah. You know? You like chocolate.

I like pizza. That's because you get that good New York pizza. I don't always have access to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like your analogy and that's right. But you couldn't live without it is what you're saying. But it's like you don't have to have it all the time is what you're saying. Yeah, pretty much.

Yeah. And it's also just like that's the thing. When it's with health, see, I think libidos don't match up all the time. Yes. That's why I try and explain it to partners. It's like, look, I understand that you don't have the same desire as your partner, but if it's lesser, I really try and instill empathy. And I try and create an analogy of like, hey, think about this thing you sort of like.

If I told you you couldn't have it, how would you feel? And I try and take people through these exercises because if sex isn't their driving force, if their libido is a little lower, it can be hard to understand, well, why does my partner need this? I don't need this. and we because we feel so bonded with our partner it's sometimes hard to recognize they're going to have different needs

especially if all of the other needs align so well yeah no sticks out it's weird yeah and unfortunately mismatch libido is a big common problem and it doesn't start out that way I think the reason why people hang their hat with the partner is because in the beginning the sex is so fucking great right that chemistry you have but that doesn't last I mean how long I think that there's like a medical fact of how long that beginning chemistry last form. Eventually it goes away. Okay, now most people who listen to my show

knows for some reason. I'm always talking about guys in anal action. I don't understand why so many guys haven't gone to that part of their body and explored it. I think every guy should check it out. And that's why I love telling guys who listen to my show about the butter wellness perineal massager. Their massager is only to be used externally. And when used externally, you can have what's called a prostate orgasm, which guys who have called into my show have said, it is like the best orgasm ever. All you got to do is take the butter wellness parame massageer and use it right on your taint. If you don't know where your taint is, it's that little spot in between your asshole and your balls. If you massage your taint on the daily, it can not only give you a prostate orgasm,

but it will also increase your blood flow, give you stronger erections, and if you have any kind of ED stuff going on, it's going to help with that too. I had a listener recently email me and said, he not only bought my book, but he bought the butter massager, and he said not only did he have a prostate orgasm, sometimes when he used it, it also gave him stronger erections so much so that his wife noticed, and he felt like he was actually ejaculating further when he was using it during orgasm. So listen, after hearing that great review, why not go check out the butter parodium massager yourself and you're going to get 20% off when you use my code

strictly at butter wellness.com. You're going to get 20% off your whole order. So order up. Just go to Butter Wellness. That's B-U-T-E-R-W-E-L-N-E-S-S dot com. Use my code strictly at checkout for 20% off of your whole order or just go to the description and click on the link. And it doesn't start out way. I think the reason why people hang their hat with the partners, because in the beginning, the sex is so fucking great, right? That chemistry you have. But that doesn't last. I mean, how long, I think that there's like a medical fact of how long that beginning chemistry last for. Eventually, it goes away, all that shit that's happening in the beginning that makes sex so supercharged. But that goes away eventually in every relationship, doesn't it? Isn't that correct?

I think that I think it is. I've met very few couples who are like still going as strong as when they first started. And then, but do you know what? Some couples actually get more sexual as time goes on. Well, that's because they saw you. No, and that's because maybe they saw you and they started to be really open. You know, I mentioned this to my audience recently, like a guy that I always have like a long-term booty call in my life, right? So because I just need to get fucked by somebody. And he brought up like a kink that he never brought up to me.

And we've been, you know, flowing around for years and years. And just him bringing up this new thing fucking excited me like, no. But it was like, it was like the craziest. thing because it was like, why didn't you ever tell me this before? And now that you did, it makes me so super horny. And it's like the greatest thing to think about it. And I can't wait to see him. And it's like, it totally changed the game. And that could happen. That does happen in with couples that, like the couples that come to you that want to change the game, that want to bring some fun into their bedroom by doing that. Because that's what's going to happen if you start introducing your stuff most of

the time. Eventually, you start exploring new things in your relationship. And it could become, you know, way better than before. Oh, completely. And that's kind of like one of my favorite things. When I have a couple who starts off shy or really reserved or one person's pretty open and the other's not, and then like at the six or seven week mark of seeing them, they are coming and giggling and excited to tell me stories about the little adventures they got into, that is everything to me.

And it's the exact same thing. Like once one person opens up and the other person aligns and starts to understand the psychology of what's turning their partner on, they both get excited because it's this injection of adventure into a relationship that they may have been in for 10 years. And I don't know how long you've had this friend with benefits, which amen. I also try and keep those people in my life. Yeah. It really does, it re-ad the spark. Yeah, totally. Adult. Yeah. And listen, I've talked to millions of couples on my show. You know, I have over 1,100, I think I'm at 1,200 episodes, right? So I've talked to so many different couples at different stages of their marriage. And so many times I have heard the story

where, you know, somebody sort of brings something to the table that they never talked about, whether it's swinging or hot, wife, you know, I'm talking to these extreme people. But this is probably the same people that you're talking to. Maybe you're just talking to them one step before they come onto my show and tell me all their hot stories, right? But they, it really, it always, at least in the successful ones, it really sort of changes the game and makes them closer. They're having the best sex ever. and these were people that maybe were like in a sexless marriage. And I've heard it many times before. Same.

I mean, I do think I talked to them a little bit before. Like, especially there are certain, there are certain kinks. I think that I, I wouldn't say I specialize in any specific kink, but I've helped a lot of couples where the man wants to be caged. Chastity. Oh, let's talk about that. Yeah. Foreign to their wife or their partner.

So it's sort of what I do there is I understand, okay. why do you want to be caged? Tell me, I want to get the history of like how long they've been into it if they've ever self-caged and most have, right? They've practiced it themselves and they know they've either brought it up with their partner once or twice but just joked about it or touched on it and it's never been a serious thing. Side note, the amount of couples I see where the person sort of half bringing it up, but jokingly and hoping the other person catches on,

they're never going to catch on if they're not wired that way. So they come to me and I talk to them. husband, I'm like, okay, tell me more about it. What is it that turns you on? Let's talk about it. And then I talk to the wife, and I find out what are your thoughts on it? And nine times out of ten, I'm going to be honest, they're a little bit uncomfortable with it because it's so foreign from anything that they've ever heard of. Being caged sounds like something from the medieval times,

because it kind of is something from the medieval times. But I sort of start to explore it with them, and I talk about what I see their partner's core desire is in using a chastity cage. And I help sort of peel away any insecurity or weirdness the wife has around the cage. And that's where we start, right? Because I'm like, okay, let's get them comfortable with this idea first. Then we move into, okay, here's something you can try when you put the cage on. Here are different things you can say. Here are different ways you can have fun with putting a cage on them. And I try and get to know the wife and what gets them excited. So they can start to help them build this kinky relationship where they're both getting something out of it.

And so often you can, but that's the part where I'm stepping in and speaking each other's language for them, you know? Yeah, no, that's very important because you figure out what she's into because, you know, most likely it's not going to be seeing her husband's cockle, it's shoved in a cage, locked up, him not fucking her. I mean, it's a big ask, but you sort of figure out where she's coming from and figure out a way that they could work together so that this becomes like a hot experience between the both of them. Yes.

And that's like the peeling of layers that I do. And then they both start to have fun with it, you know? And they, like I know I had one client once and we were talking about punishment. And she was not wired in a way to think about how to punish someone other than like her husband wanted to be in a cage all the time. She did not think about how that could benefit her. And I remember just saying to her, I was like, you realize that you could punish him by saying he doesn't get to come out of the cage unless he cleans something or does a little bit extra for you. And the light in her eyes, just like when she realized, wait, she like this to my advantage.

Yeah. She loved it. She loved knowing that. And what the core of that was actually control. Yeah. She realized how much she could play with the control. Mm-hmm. And once I saw that, I was like, okay.

this is the path I'm going down with her. Let's talk about more control she can have, different things she can ask for, how she can make this work for her. And then she got excited about it. And she just realized, like, oh, this is a whole new playground.

I'm about to enter a new sandbox. And that was the first step that really supercharged them into this new lifestyle. Yeah, that's like the female-led relationship whole thing. And so you make the woman realize, like, how beneficial it can become. Like, you could get them to clean your whole fucking house, and take out the garbage.

You know, go down on you for three hours without stopping, anything you want. And they love it. I know. And things like that, then just make the harmony of the relationship so much better overall because both people are having important needs met. Yeah. And it's that balance, yes. What are some of the other kinks that people come to you that, like, is a hard sell

to their girl that you typically see? Like, I get why the cock cage thing is a hard one. And you're saying that you see a lot of guys that are into that, right? So it is more common. maybe than people think. Oh my gosh, it's so common. Yeah,

it's definitely more common than people think and I think it's definitely one that it's helpful to bring a coach in for. At a high level, I believe that power exchange can be its own fetish.

Someone wants to give up like relinquish control. And the reason people, that's when I get a lot because the number one complaint I get for people who are into it is, hey, I'm okay with doing this but I actually don't feel like

there's true there's true difference between how I have to act in the bedroom or how I have to act out of the bedroom and what I'm going to say is I'm going to give

the first example in a female-led relationship where they're trying to be dominant but they're like okay I can be dominant in the bedroom and give them that fantasy but then I feel like there's no exchange

or it's not different from our everyday life because I'm also being dominant in a household having to tell them how to take out the trash and to replace the trash bags it's these little

annoying things so then I have to talk to the van in the relationship and be like, listen, you got to step up your game so that when you two step into the bedroom, she feels like there's a power exchange. And it's just not one more thing to add to her to-do list. So that's an example on the female-led relationships by. Funnily enough, same problem, different application. When a woman wants her husband, and I'm just using, I see a lot of heteronormative couples. So that's why I'm saying woman, man, but the Don Sudden is what switches up. A woman wants her

husband to be dominant, but how can she respect him if he is unable to be dominant outside of the bedroom? And she's, again, picking up all the tasks. She carries all the mental load and then she's just supposed to hand over control in the bedroom. And sometimes it's a man who wants to be dominant and he's trying to get his wife on board with being more submissive in a bedroom. And those are the things I run into. So like, I joke, but I've had to tell more than one man to replace the trash bag when they take out the trash. And it's not a once-off thing. So some of the balance is like just, hey, you want to do power exchange? Here's what that means outside of the bedroom. So it actually feels like a shift in the bedroom. Right. Because that's really what it's about, right? Is the

person sort of checking out of that one part of their personality, which is in charge or who they are for most of the day and then who they want to become the opposite for a little fun at the end of the day, right? It's like typically you see that powerful. CEO wanting to be a submissive because all day long he's just like not the submissive. That's his way of relaxation and it works for anybody. That's what I typically see. Oh, me, I see that a lot. And every so often, once a blue moon, you see someone who is dominant in every part of their life.

It's actually rare that I will meet a 100% I am just dominant or I'm a top or I'm 100% a bottom or submissive. Yeah. Usually it's like there's a little split. Like maybe it's 955. And I can't say which way, but like there's a lot of people who are like, I would give up control to the right person or I'd be willing to play the submissive role for the right person. So there's usually at least a little bit of switch in people. And a switch is when you can be one or the other.

And I think a lot of people are switches. Yeah, for sure. But let me ask you this. When couples come to see you, is it typically like when they're at the place where the person has put something on the table and the other person doesn't understand it? or does one person come to you and say, hey, I want to bring this up to my partner, and then you help them bring it up, or can you do anything? I mean, you know, how does it typically work? Oh, it's all of the above.

So, like, I've had a husband come in and then eventually bring his wife in, and he's like, I really want to introduce this. What's the best way to do it? I've had, I've been the person to finally get on the phone with the wife and sort of convince her to come to the sessions. Like, I've done all of that. I work with couples. I do work with a lot of couples where one of the people,

people try to introduce it. They just, you know, they cyclically go through this for years, almost banging their head against a wall. And then they get to a stage of like, okay, we need, this is mission critical. We need to bring someone into help. And then some of my favorite couples to work with are the ones who are like, hey, we want to try this. We're interested.

Can you help us out? Just because there's no shame attached to it at that stage, it's just couples having fun. Sometimes there is a little bit of extra work that has to be done. If sometimes people have negative experiences trying to introduce it over and over again, and both people in the couple feel like a pressure around making it work because it's gone wrong so many times. I used to fall victim to this myself. I've gotten a lot better of I was obsessing over spanking for 20 years of my life. So I was like an expert obsessive like spanko. Right. Oh my God. Were you spanking yourself? No, I was never a self-sakek because I can't do the embarrassment of it. But I would think about it all the

time. Like I would seek out books, pictures, anything where there might be a spanking in it. So of course, when it came to a relationship stage, I was like starving for it. Chocolate analogy all over again. Like I hadn't had chocolate in so long. I was dying for it. I was craving it so bad that I almost came out a little, I came across a little weird, not because what I wanted was weird, but because of the level of obsession around it was so weird. And because it was like my main thing, it was all I could think or talk about. And that was the problem. I wasn't approaching it in a balanced way.

And sometimes that's the type of couple I work with too. One of them is not approaching it in a balanced way. So I need to come in and like temper them a little bit. And I see, don't you see that more with fetishes than kinks? Because it is a need and it's very hard for them to kind of keep a balance. That's what I hear a lot of the time. I do though, what I have heard.

And this is why it's great for them to come clean is that the one person who had the fetish and it was all consuming when they finally did admit it or they were in a relationship where they were open about it, it did become tempered because it's not like, you know, because listen to that saying what you resist persists is very true. The more you hide something, the more you're not allowed to do it, the more you need to. So when you're allowed to, you know, and it's okay, they seem to be way less compulsive about it. Absolutely. It's so true because there's a level of acceptance and that's stripping away a level of, a layer of shame. Shame can be part of the obsessive part of like, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't.

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join BluChi's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and a big thanks to Blu for sponsoring the podcast. Absolutely. It's so true because there's a level of acceptance and that's stripping away a level of a layer of shame. Shame can be part of the obsessive part of like, I shouldn't, I shouldn't, I shouldn't. And if you're constantly thinking I shouldn't be doing this, what are you actually? actually doing thinking of the thing you shouldn't be doing. Exactly. Yeah. It doesn't hear like you don't want to. It just hears what you're still thinking about it. Exactly. Yeah. So it's like it's like a hamster on the wheel and you can't get off. I mean, I do think like, you know, I talk, because I do talk to a lot of people

who are living a double life. And I do think it's really hard to come out to your partner that you've been with for a long time and tell them about something that you've been hiding for a very long time. But I do know that the people who have been brave enough to do it have completely changed their game. I don't, I haven't heard of many relationships where they told and then the woman left them and divorced them, you know, typically, uh, you know, if they've been in that relationship a long time, it's, it's not a deal breaker, but the woman, it does need some time to, you know, sort of take it in and understand it. And that could, that's to me what is sometimes the hardest thing is really explaining it. And that's why I think it's perfect to have somebody like you to come in and help with that. Because,

I think that sometimes a woman hearing about the, and I've told my people this before, like, go find yourself a sex or find, you know, a woman or let them listen to a podcast, something so that they could hear it from somebody else because maybe coming from you, they're just not going to hear it. You know how partners are sometimes. They don't fucking listen to their other partner, but they'll listen to somebody else. You know what I mean? So I think, you know, for, like, say it's a guy who has a fetish or a kink that maybe he's afraid of or he feels shame to bring it up or his wife doesn't understand it.

Like if she hears about it and, you know, from another woman who's educated and explains it to her, I feel like there's more of a chance of her to be accepting of it, you know? 1,000 percent. And yes, you just hit the nail on ahead of why I do what I do in the way that I do it. Yeah. Because it works. Yeah. And so, I mean, because I know, because, listen, I've been having a Fettist Friday episode on my show since, you know, for a long time.

And I know that there are so many people out there, you know, that do feel the shit. shame that are living, you know, a double life and all that kind of stuff. And I think, you know, it's exhausting, first of all, living a double life. And so, and I've, I've heard the success stories of bringing it, you know, putting it on the table and how freeing it can be. You know, and you must see that too because you help, you know, I know that you help people with kink and stuff, but you also help people with fetishes and you could talk to couples that are dealing with something like this, that I'm just telling, I'm explaining, correct? Yes, exactly like that. And yeah, I have seen success. And I want to just point out you are so right about I have never had anyone come to me and say I'm single now

because I told my partner about my fetish or my kink and they left I have that's a story I have not heard yeah no I know and I think men don't understand women like listen I always make a joke and I'm like you know you want to like like for people that don't think they're deserving of a partner or they some woman's not going to stay with them I'm like why don't you just watch any episode of intervention you're going to see a man like in a puddle drooling high on heroin and you're going to see his wife running after him. If she stays with him, you think your partner's going to not stay with you. Women, we fucking don't leave. Okay, we stick around. Like, we have, we're wired differently. Like, women don't just walk. You know what I mean? Like for, for things, it doesn't mean that it's not

going to be hard and stuff. But most likely, you know, maybe it'll be hard for her to understand it. At first, she'll be freaked out. But like, is she going to walk away from a whole marriage of 30 years and all these kids and if she really loves you because you have this fetish? I don't think so. I completely agree. That is. That is my lived experience talking to couples. Like there might be arguments around it. There might be like, oh, I'm not interested in that. And then being shut down for periods of time.

But that is where I come in when that one partner isn't always willing to talk about it either. You know, but actually leaving, no. So it's almost worth taking that chance and just saying this is something that I'm interested in. I'm curious about. And that's what I recommend. I always tell people, leave with curiosity and gratitude. Ask your partner what they're into if they have any fantasies. And I know there are a lot of people who are like, well, she or he said they don't have any fantasies they want to explore.

That's okay. You say, all right, well, thanks for being open to answering the question. I'd like to share something that I'm curious about exploring. So you ask the question, even if they don't answer it, you thank them for considering it, even if it feels like they haven't actually considered it. You still want to thank them so that they feel appreciated in even being present in the conversation. and then you move into introducing your interest or kink, you know? Yeah.

Because it's not so one-sided. And that's what I'm also trying to push with people. Don't let it be so one-sided that you are obsessive or only talking about your thing. You want to create space for them to open up to you too because you don't know what they're not talking about. Yeah, no, very true. And I have to say, because I talked to a lot of guys that are into panty-hows, you know, and I'm even talking about the ones who have copped to it and told their partners. but I think what happens is a lot of times they don't explain it well and this is why I think people need professionals to help because I don't think and then they tell me yeah I told my girl but like she still will never wear and she never puts it on and I have to beg and she'll never do it and she doesn't fucking care and I'm like I don't think you've explained it properly like did you like tell her like this is a fucking need you know sometimes it's a matter of like really explaining what a fetish is and what it means in this person's life because I'm like I really feel like if you really explain to your partner how important

it was to you, they would do it for you, you know, but somehow that is not coming across. And that's where I think like hiring a coach like you or someone to help really would get that through to the partner because I think sometimes that's what she does. Because I'm like, why else? I mean, you're obviously not married to the biggest bitch on the planet. Like, why wouldn't she do that for you? She doesn't understand. You haven't explained it enough. You know what I mean? And some, and I don't think a lot of women understand, you know, how fetishes present and what they're all about. And that's why, they don't cater to their guys. And maybe if they knew they would.

And I understand why the people are, why men or even women with fetishes aren't explaining it well? Because to my point of the 20 years thinking about it, we've never verbalized it in the first place. So we've gotten to live in this fantasy world where we didn't even have to talk about it or explain it. So the words coming out, we don't have the vocabulary yet to explain it.

Yeah. So like the easiest way for people to do it, and one place I recommend starting, and I work with clients, like, through this process, it describes the feeling you get when the action is happening, right? Do you feel safe, euphoric, whole? Latch onto the feeling, because at least feelings can be understood. Saying to someone I like to wear a diaper,

that's just an action that doesn't really tie to anything, so it's hard for your partner to grasp onto. Whereas if you say, when I'm wearing a diaper, I feel sexy, I feel like it's really accentuating a part of myself that I feel excited about. Those are feelings and at least human to human connection, we can sort of relate to feelings, even if we can't relate to wearing a diaper. Does that make sense? Yeah, no.

I mean, I've talked to diaper lovers. You know, and I, you know, and I could go even deeper when you really explain like where it's coming from and why it's there. They will be accepting and come to understand. And even if they're not into it, like I said, why wouldn't they do it for you? you sometimes. You know, there's got to be a happy medium, like you said before. I mean, it's not like the person with the fetish is going to get their need met every single time, especially if the other partner isn't into it, but somehow you could get them to work, you know, to meet in the

middle. Yes. And that's all I'm ever trying to do is like, let's meet in the middle and have our needs met. And what are some of the other kink, like you know, you said, you see a lot of guys, you know, that are into being caged come to you. Who else? I know you get the regular couples that are just looking to introduce kink and we'll talk about that in a second but what other kinds of things that guys are into do they come to you that is a big one like the cage guys is there anything else that you could think of i know i have a lot of men who are dominant and they want their partner to be submissive but like socially women being submissive has been sort of bred out of us especially in the last 20 years so i get a lot of men who want their

I guess I shouldn't even discredit when I really think about all my clients who are dominant men who want their wives to be submissive and that can be a big ask asking to someone to step into a dominant role there is precedent there's social acceptance of being the leader and being in charge asking someone to take on a submissive role

whether it's a man or a woman that can be a little bit difficult if they are not naturally submissive so that is when I work on work with people on. I also work with a lot of single people who want to date kinky and they want to know how to meet someone. There are like 10

different ways to meet a partner. It's going to be a little bit specific to who this person is. Are they the type who likes to online date? Do they like to go out and meet people at a bar and let the kink park come in later? Are they willing to go to kink specific parties to meet people who share the same interests

that they have? And I've done all of these things. I've tried it all. I've been at a bar and met a random person and like brought it up after a couple of dates. I like to get to know what their dating style is in the first place because I don't want to, if you're like an online dater and that's how you feel comfortable connecting with people, I don't want to send you to a party that's going to make you feel uncomfortable and make things worse and honestly just make it feel like it's even less possible to meet the type of person you are.

So I would say lean into whatever your dating style is, but if you are open to putting it, If you're a dating app type of person and you're open to it, I do think you should put it on the app. Use ones like, have you heard of field? Yeah. Yeah. That's the number one app I send people to if they are kinky.

But if they're looking for something slightly more traditional or a more traditional, maybe monogamous partner, I will recommend they go to Bumble or Hinge and those more traditional dating apps and put hints in there or even bluntly put what they're looking for because then you're just, you're optimizing. You're already looking for people who are possibly looking for more serious type of relationship

and you're putting your interest forward, right? Yeah. Dating apps are still a great way to do it if you're willing to put into, if you're willing to put it out there. And I have a course on my website about dating kinky. It's dating beyond vanilla. And in there, I put little hints.

I put ways that you can set up your profile so you can hint it being kinky, or you can be blunt about it. So I give actual options for your dating profile there because I love helping people date kinky, you know? It's them allowing themselves to embrace. And what's beautiful about it is they're starting the relationship, learning to communicate their wants and needs. So sometimes it's a little bit easier. It's way easier.

But that's why it's so important for the singles to start there so that they don't wind up in another 30-year relationship, you know, keeping shit hidden and not living the life that they want, whatever that is. Yeah, and it is easy to do because you line up to the things society tells you to want. You meet a beautiful partner who's super fit, who has the looks, they have the job, they have the bank account, they have the pedigree you're looking for, and it's so easy to push aside the parts that society tells you doesn't matter. Because we've all heard it. I think you just said it earlier, it's like we're all told that sex doesn't matter or sex isn't that important, but it is.

Yeah. It's just that society doesn't say it. So like you're not optimizing for that when you meet someone. So this is a good way to go. go about it and optimized for it in the first place. Now, what about if they want to go for that newbie that's looking and they do want to go to a sex club? Like, how do you, do you walk them through that?

Like, what do they experience? You know, because I think some people do have the balls to sort of start there, right? Oh, I have full on gone to multiple sex clubs to check what sex club is probably the best fit for my client. Oh, I love that. So you vetted them. Oh, I will vet sex clubs. I will vet BDSM parties.

I take my work really seriously and I don't want to send someone into a situation where they don't feel comfortable. So I will talk to couples from different parts of the country who want to travel to go to a party because they're like, I'm actually a big deal in my town, in my city. I cannot be caught in my city going to a club. And I will do research to help them find the best place for them to go nearby, a close flight and help curate a good experience for them. Wow. And walk them through like what to experience and all that kind of. kind of good stuff?

I walk them through it so often. And I do that with couples and individuals. I'll say like, okay, this is what you need to think about, talk about before you go into this scenario. I need you to like, and I will throw different scenarios at them to understand their boundaries better, but also to help them think about it because oftentimes you're not thinking about a scenario until you're in it. Yeah.

I've been to enough of these parties. I have experienced enough to know, okay, here's what's going to go through your mind. Here's what might happen. Like, how will you react? What are you going to say? I will practice conversations with them. So they feel prepared to go into it. It's like, I don't know if you ever saw that Nathan Fielder show, the rehearsal.

No. I swear to God, I get to do it. So it's a show where he helps people prepare for maybe slightly awkward things. And in the show, he builds entire sets to make it look like the real scenario. Oh, my God, I like that. I like, let's rehearse it. Let's practice. And sometimes when I'm looking up to meet, as an aside, like when I'm lucky enough to meet people in person,

especially dominant men who I will help them choreograph a scene with their partner because they don't want the first time they pin their girlfriend up against a wall to be with her girlfriend in case something goes wrong. So I'm like, okay, how do you move? How would you feel comfortable moving her? So they're rehearsed in how to go into a scene. And we practice getting things wrong so that they can reset and get it right. I love that.

If something actually goes wrong. Yeah, I have a lot of fun with those scenes because it's sort of like, I'm getting to know that person, how they move, what they enjoy. And all of this is fully clothed, but it's the mechanics of it that I'm helping with at time. Yeah, because typically the fear is the fear of the unknown, right? So if you're walking them through like a mock up situation, whether it's like that in-person thing that you're talking about or even, you know, for the person that's never

been to a club, like exactly what they're going to experience and anything, I think being able to paint that picture and give them all the scenarios that could happen really helps take the nervousness away. 100%. Like it it just makes people feel more empowered or truly like they've already been through it. Yeah, for sure. Because in their head they have. Yeah.

Someone of my Patreon did ask like somebody recently, a woman who's into BDSM said she goes to BDSM parties all the time and she can't believe how people aren't like dressed properly there. Like they just don't, you know, get decked out. They're wearing flip flops walking around, you know. And he was like like, like when I asked them to ask questions for you, he's like, what would a guy, like what should a guy wear? Like what would you tell your.

client, if he's like, I want to get into kink, I don't have a partner, or maybe I want to go to a club to maybe find somebody. Like, what would you tell them to wear, a guy? Okay. If their comfort level is, I'm nervous to even go. I'm like, okay, you can't go wrong with black pants and a black button down. Okay. Nice belt and black shoes. Yeah. So just dressing it all black, there's your baseline. But then I want to get to know a little bit more about you. For example, if you were going to Burning Man, what would you wear? And not everyone's going to go. Like, what, how do you feel most authentically you? Is it wearing a kilt? Is it wearing something shiny? Like, this is your opportunity. You really put your personality out there if you feel comfortable. Like, I am a huge fan of wearing a

schoolgirl outfit anytime I can. You know, it fits into that spanking fetish thing. So if I were going to a BDSM party, I'd have no problem wearing a school girl outfit, like a cute little skirt and a white button down shirt, maybe some cute panties, because that's how I feel most authentically, me and ready to embrace my kink or fetish. I want to know, I want to get to that with them. I'm like, do you want to wear a top hat? What feels like a little bit extravagant that you would never wear in your day-to-day life, but you might enjoy it as a Halloween costume because it's something you truly want to wear? That's what I recommend when someone says they're going to go to a club and they're worried about what they're going to wear. Be the most authentic version of yourself,

but put in some effort, you know, even if your most authentic version is a flip-off version, Is that the type of sub or dumb or kingster you want to be, the flip-flop person? And maybe for someone it is, but I think that that would be the exception and not the rule. My big thing is put yourself together. And I don't think flip-flops and a T-shirt is together. No, that's her whole thing. Yeah, that's her whole thing. And she's a very put-together woman at all times.

And this guy was saying, like, how does a guy do that? because sometimes there's less flexibility with guys for what they can wear, right? There's less outfits, quote unquote, that they could wear. But I didn't even think of some of the stuff that you said. Maybe it's not something that they can buy at Macy's, but they could go to a specialty store or even Amazon. It's definitely not something from Macy's, unless you're the scared guy that was just going to wear the black first, the black shirt and the black shirt and the black shirts, which is totally acceptable too. Isn't it important for people to know that they can go like that and it's going to be okay? Yes, it totally is.

I mean, I'd be excited if I saw someone showing up and dressing like a priest. You know? Like, there's just like, that's someone I'd go up and talk to. Well, this girl, girl, fucking the priest. Is that your fantasy? Yeah, well, you know, raised Catholic school all my life. There you go. Maybe.

That's so fucking funny. Yeah, it is a way to live out your, like, fantasies and stuff. And do you find, do you think, though, that like a club is a good place to meet partners, or are they typically people like coupled up there? So swingers parties are usually couples and so are sex clubs. Although you can, I've gone to sex clubs by myself many times and it's easier for me as a single woman. I wouldn't say that those are the best places to meet people as a single person because you're running into couples. Unless you're looking to be a thruple, then yeah, that might be the right place for you to go. So maybe the apps are a good place to meet someone like-minded.

Yes, for sex parties. And if you're looking for that swing of lifestyle and you're a single person, the apps are the right place to go. Now, if you are a single kingster, BDSM parties are for you. And munches, which are vanilla, like plainclosed meetups at like a diner, where it's all these kinky people, but they're dressed in that's your everyday attire. You're just going to the diner to hide out with people who you know are also kinky.

But you're talking about movies, board games, new music, all vanilla topics. And sometimes you might say, well, what are you into? And that comes up. But that's not the purpose of those necessarily. It's sort of to get to know each other outside of the party atmosphere. But then you can go to BDS and parties with those people. You'll see them at them. They're in your local community.

And you'll meet other single people. You'll meet other single people. You'll get to play with people maybe at parties and see what they're into. See them in action. Those are great places to meet people. something that I go to because I'm a fetishist, and I encourage everyone to look into this. A lot of fetish is, like, there are weekend long national parties where everyone flies them. I know in upstate Nevada somewhere, because I'm in Vegas in the south, closer to Reno,

there's a diaper party every year. So people who were into, I am not kidding. It's an Airbnb owner. He owns like a couple of Airbnbs. And then at some point in the summer, I think, he throws a diaper party. So you can look at these for these national weekend long parties that you go to. I'm just this weekend, this past weekend. I went to a spanking one called Oasis that's here in Vegas.

I went to one in July or June in Dallas. And it's a weekend long party where everyone shares the same fetish. And I meet people at those parties. So if you have a fetish specifically, go Google to see if there's a national party for whatever your fetish is. Because you could meet a ton of single people also going to that national. national event. And it's people on both sides, right? So when you go to that spanking fetches, people that want to be spank, people that want to spank people, it's like all, it's the size of the coin, right? It is. And we have these, like, we have lanyards with name badges and the name badges

are color-coded, so I know if someone's a top, a bottom, a switch. So I know when I meet them, if we're going to connect on that level, or if we're just going to talk as friends. Because if I meet another bottom, and I'm a bottom, which in the spanko world, that's what we say, of Dom Sub because it's a physical act. I'll get into that in a second. Yeah, I like it. Interesting. The difference between Dom and Top. But when I go to those parties, if I see someone and their name is like John,

and John has a blue name tag that I learn at the beginning of the event what Blue means and I'm like, oh, they're at Top. That's someone I'd probably enjoy playing with and talking to. If they have a pink, they might be in their name's John. It might be like, oh, they're a bottom. He'll make a good friend, but we don't want to play in the same way. Right. So he's not the right partner. I have met multiple people going to those types of parties. Like partners. Yes, partners. The only negative is you got to be willing to travel because these people may have come in from Washington State, Maine, wherever. So, and I also know a ton of people who they meet their partner who shares their fetish and then one of the partners moves after like a year or two of long distance.

Right. it's like this is so important and we get along on all these other levels, it's worth moving for the right person and you're the right person. And that starts at these national parties that people throw for specific fetishes. And that's just a quick Google search now. Like, no, well, wait, what do you mean by that? I mean, like, how do they find that? Like, you're saying, like, just try to look for like a national party with your fetish attached to it and somehow you'll find it on Google, right? It'll be, because like I would say, like, how would someone find that party. How did you find it? Google. I found it through, so I just happened to live in,

I had moved to Vegas. I was on fatlife.com, which is like a social media site. It's like a Facebook specifically for kinksters. I would recommend if you are into kink or fetish, go set up a fatlife.com profile, just even learn and get exposure to what exists out there. But I saw that there was a spanking party in Vegas and I signed up to go. And that's how I found out about it. And it opened up my eyes to all of the national parties that I could go to. And I knew these existed, but I had never been so dedicated that I was going to fly somewhere. Wow. And now that I've had the experience and I understand how fun they are, I travel for these parties. And I think it's so worth it. Yeah. And what's great about Fat Life is you're also going to find out about the munches and all that other

and the BDSM clubs and events in your area as well, right? Like that's the type of place where it's got everything there. Like you can meet people to date to hook up with, but you could also find out about the events in your area and elsewhere all on Fat Life. Yes. And if you want a quick and dirty guide on my Instagram, one of my pinned reels on my Instagram is the underscore King Consultant is, quote unquote, I think it's titled Finding Your Community.

And what I do there is I basically walk them through Fat Life, tell them where to go to find the events, how to sign up to them, how to find educational events, which brings me to my next point. Educational events or education like seminars, a lot of them happen in your local community. Showing up to those, another great way to meet other kingsters, single or partnered.

Yeah, they have Shabari classes and classes on BDSM that are happening right now that people would never know that are around and happening. Exactly. So really get into it and find, like, that's why I think everyone should set up their own fat life profile. That's where you're going to find out so many events that you can attend. you need to give me that link along with your website with all your workshops and exercises like explain to people again like i mean we've explained a lot on here but like explain to people where they could find some of these things that you've talked about like the quick courses they could take online as well as like how to hire you as well and then also send me that link that you have to the instagram post i will because i feel like people are going to ask me for that yes i will send you all of those links because i'm really passionate about making sure people can find their community I think that's one of the main ways we can normalize kink for ourselves. The more we hang out with like-minded individuals who are also like us outside of our kinks,

like a lot of times we have the same types of jobs or do the same, like have the same hobbies. Like I play pickleball. I know other kinksters who play pickleball. And it's really normalizing to be like, oh, the person I'm on the pickleball court with is also into kink. It might not be the exact same kink I'm into, but just knowing that like this is normal. is helpful for people. And that's why I also recommend we all get out into our community. Yeah. And you do offer a lot. Like you have these quick courses they could take on your website, as well as they can hire you to help them as a couple. Or even like I love when you were

explaining how you walk them through everything in person. If someone wanted to hire you in person for coaching, you help with that too. So explain to, you know, where people could go to get all that information. Oh, yeah. And sometimes I have people come into Vegas. It's this one's a little rare, but I'm trying to do it more now. Couples to come in for an intensive weekend where they stay on the strip. I host them at my house where I have some some furniture that can be used as dungeon furniture. I have a lot of implements and I'm able to work with them in person, again, fully clothed so that I can say like, well, what do you enjoy about this? What is the, how does this feel? And I'll teach actual how to use implements, you know, how to use

a riding crop, how to use a flogger, how to play with different. toys together. Oh, that's important. So that is something that I do offer couples when they're looking. Sometimes people are like, no, no, no, we just want this quick. Do you fly to us? And I'm like, no, but I live in Vegas. Come here and I'll host you at my house daily. Yeah, yeah. I like that. That's available too. So where do they find you to do it to book you and get all this information on your website? On my website, Amandadames.com, or they can email hello at Amanda dames.com to start the conversation of what they'd like to do. And I just said I explained that I do offer a 20 minute consult for $100. And that $100, the consult fee will go to anything you book with me. If you decide to

book one session, a 10-packed session or one of those weekend intensive, that $100 goes towards that. A lot of people will do a quick gut check with me in that 20-minute call of like, hey, this happened. Is this normal? And I'll say, I'll either say, yeah, that sounds normal. But if you didn't feel right for you. Let's explore that real quick. Or I'll say that wasn't normal. If you want to talk, like I would recommend either mention the boundary or, and working through it with a person or maybe cutting off contact. So I get a lot of gut check calls. Oh yeah. I used to do, in relationships and out. Yeah, I used to do one hour phone calls for people or 45 minutes. I did it more like a therapist, 45 minutes. But, and I got a lot of people calling in and a lot of people with fetishes and kinks that

they wanted to talk about and just be just led that time for them to be completely honest with somebody on the DL. And that's typically, besides the guys that were cheating or didn't want to cheat, but were at the point. Those are the two people that always called me. So I think that there's a lot of people out there that like to do that too. And you're available for that kind of a call. But yours is, what, 20 minutes you said? Was that a 20 minute call? Yeah. Mine's a 20 minute call. And I do, I want to say that I also work with a lot of people who are cheating and they don't want to be anymore or they're trying to navigate cheating and their need for kink. I find that we talked about it on the call and I don't want to shy away for the fact that

there are a lot of kinksters who are so nervous about bringing it up that they choose to cheat and I don't judge that. I have zero judgment for cheaters. I always lead with empathy and I'm like, okay, is this serving you or is the guilt eating you alive and are there better ways for you to have your needs met? And I help couples where one person is, that's another thing. I do work with couples where one person is cheated. Now they're trying to repair and introduce the pink that that partner cheated for.

Yes. And I've heard that success story where someone's cheating was found out and then they put everything on the table of what they were into and then them as a couple went on together to be doing those things and they couldn't be happier. Now that's not a magic. They didn't take a pill and they wake up the next day that way. I mean, they went through work. It takes work.

And that's when you really do need somebody helping you through that when someone does find out to rebuild the trust and everything. But that's where someone like you could come in and help. And then put them back on the same page because sometimes the cheating is because, like you said, the person doesn't want to bring up their kink to their partner. So they're going and living it out with somebody else. Yeah. And there's a lot of pain that goes with that then on both sides that you have to work through. But yeah, it happens more frequently than I think any of us wanted to.

Yeah, it's unfortunate. That's why I have cheating stories. One of my podcaster friends, like, I would never have cheating stories. I'm like, well, I have them on because it's a common thing. It's an unfortunate thing. I don't agree with it. I don't think it's a great thing. But I think that people could learn from my cheating episodes, and that's why I do it.

You don't want your partner to cheat on you. You don't want to become a cheater. Like, listen to these stories. This is how it happens. Sometimes people that wouldn't say they'd never cheat and they're not cheaters, wind up cheating. Some people are just fucking philanderers. You know what I mean? There's all different types of cheating out there.

And I like to give out all the stories because I think, you know, unfortunately it is something that happens and go downs. But what's great is that there are people like you out there that could help people through that kind of situation too. So make sure to send me your links. And I will put them in the description along with that email that you said that people could email you at. And thanks so much for calling in and sharing your story.

Do other guests give code? Yeah. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's what I need to do. If they purchase a class with me, they can put in this code. any of my courses, it's going to be 20% off. The thing that I'm thinking also, my hourly rate is 300. Yeah.

My 10-session package is 2,600, but I would gladly give your listeners $2,000 for the 10-session package. I just don't know how to market that yet. You want me to keep that in this episode and you'll have that hooked up before this air? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right.

So then you're going to hook that up. So listen, this is the deal, what you're offering my callers. You're going to give them 20% off of all of like your courses and stuff. They just used your code. S-A-20 to get 20% off when they sign in and sign up. Okay. So if you want to take any courses or any of that kind of good stuff, you will get 20% off your whole order with code S-A-20. And that's for the courses online courses. For in-person meetups, you're going to give them like a major discount, a $600 discount, right? You're typically $2,600. You'll do a pack of, what is it, 10?

It's a 10 session package, and normally it's $2,600, but for your listeners, it's going to be $2,000, and those sessions can either be in person if they're in New York or Las Vegas, or what we can do is most of my clients live across the United States. They actually live across the world, so Google meets. Oh, I love it. Yeah, that's a great deal. So I will put that in the description as well, because I think that's super important. But thanks so much for calling in Amanda, and, you know, we'll.

We'll talk again for sure. I love having you on. I would love to talk again. This is, you are one of my favorite interviewers. I love being on the show. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me.

Thank you, Amanda. Bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book.

It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories.

And they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available. coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or

pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay, there's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the

ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com and I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast.