Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 146 - Is Alicia an Alcoholic?

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Alicia calls in looking for advice because she recently started drinking more and more, even at work and she is wondering if maybe she has a problem. Should she stop drinking totally? Can she just cut back and drink moderately? Is she an alcoholic? Does she have to go to AA? Tune in to find out plus hear all about how and why she cheated on her boyfriend with an older, married guy as well as a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kay and Tommy. Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast, Kathy.

If you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Twitter, follow the show at strict anonymous or follow me at cartoon therapy. If you want to be in the show, I'm always looking for callers. Send me an email at trickly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. You don't have to have a problem about sex. I think a lot of people think that my show is just about that. But it's just because I go on Craigslist and that's where I find my guests and I also post on Craigslist. So I get a lot of people with like problems or stuff to talk about like

that are sexual in nature. But I don't necessarily only want to talk to people like that. I like regular problems or normal problems. You know, anything that people can relate to to me is always interesting. And that's what I have on today. Like I think that this is like a very interesting topic because I'm somebody who quit drinking. And I titled the show is Alicia an alcoholic because it's kind of like left up in the air with this one. I mean, this is a very young girl. I think maybe you're going to feel differently. I think some people will think, yes, she definitely is. There's some people who might think maybe she's not. I don't really know. It's hard to tell. I could have talked to her for like another five hours, but this is a young girl who doesn't know if she has a problem, but thinks maybe she does,

and she wants to kind of nip it in a butt. And she actually posted an ad on Craigslist because she doesn't really have time for AA, but she was looking for someone to talk to about quitting drinking. And I was like, oh, I could really help this girl because this is something I personally have a lot of experience with because I quit drinking like 14 years ago, I think. And I did it mostly without AA. So I thought I could be of help to her. But like I said, it's like, you know, should she quit totally? Should she not quit? Is she an alcoholic? Is she not? You know, those kind of questions come up in the podcast. So take a listen and you decide for yourself. I'll be right back on with Alicia. lifestyle or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone?

Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous. Hey, Leisha, you're on the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. How are you? good how are you I'm good so I responded to an ad that you put out on Craigslist that was very

interesting to me because it's very similar like I you know it's something that I've been through and it's um like it's a drinking issue that you have you're young though way younger than me I was like 34 when I quit you're 22 right and this is what I got out of your ad you're 22 and you think you might have a problem with drinking and you don't want to do the whole A thing and and you almost don't even want to maybe quit altogether, right? You just, you don't really know if you have a problem, but you think maybe you do, and you were looking for somebody to sort of talk to about it, correct?

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so what, why do you think that you have a problem with alcohol? Like, because, you know, the whole thing with like cutting back a little bit, like, you know, I would never, like, that is okay for some people. When you said, though, you did say this one sentence in your email that was like, oh, I don't know whether, you know, I just want someone to have. help me maybe just stop drinking at work or when I'm bored? Like, I mean, what do you do for

living that you would drink at work? Or is that like, are you like a bartender or are you like working in an office and like hiding alcohol underneath the, you know, in a drawer? You know, there's a difference. There's a difference. Yeah. Yeah. No, like, I don't know, like sometimes on lunch going and getting a drink, you know, like sometimes that just becomes a regular thing. So that's when you start to think like, do I depend on this or. Yeah. You know, like, it's just like a question that you have. So like obviously like you said, I'm like young. So I don't really want to stop drinking, but I just know I've noticed like a pattern like if I that I've gotten into lately since I have turned like 21 that I start to like, yeah, like want to drink just like when I get bored and

stuff. So I don't want to kind of just get into getting used to just drinking for no reason, basically. Yeah, yeah, totally. I get it. But like what makes you like, okay, you get on lunch break, right? and you go out and do you like not have any friends at work to go like get something to eat with? Is that why maybe you're like, oh, I'll just go get a drink? Like what makes you think to get a drink during your lunch break at work? Yeah, I guess. It's because like I mainly work like by myself. Like so I am like in the office most of the time by myself like all day.

So like I'm able. It's pretty easy work. I guess you can say if it was a job that kept me like all my toes, obviously I wouldn't be doing that. but it's just an easy job for now while I'm going to school. So it's just something that I just do like. And what do you knock down at lunch? Like are you having like a scotch on the rocks or are you having like a glass of wine? Like what?

What do you have? Yeah, like a shot. So like I feel like it's like something that comes along with just like my mom's like an alcoholic too. Like but she's a functional alcoholic. Like she'll wake up. She'll drink like two shots and just go along with her day. And that's just a part of her daily life. So I guess it's just something that I'm, I don't want to say like I'm doing it because of my mom,

but I'm noticed like it's something that I don't think there's something wrong with it, obviously, because I've seen it happen. You know, I see her doing it and it's fine with her. So. Yeah, but in a weird way, you do have some part of you that thinks there might be something wrong with it because you put that ad on Craigslist, right? So even though you did see that behavior with your mother, there is some sort of part of you that's like, hey, maybe something's going on here because I,

probably shouldn't be doing this, right? I mean, because why else would you be questioning it? Mm-hmm. And, like, when I try and talk to people or, like, want to see if someone can help with, like, I don't know. I just want to get into a point where I just don't feel like I need to drink daily. Like, now it's coming to a part where I just, like, think about it almost every day where I used to, like, about it because it wasn't an option.

So when did you, okay, let me ask you this. When did you start drinking? And, like, and, like, were you one of those that started very young whenever you get your hands on alcohol just like to be rebellious like a lot of kids and just like had fun with it and then put it away and started again when you were 21. I mean, what's your drinking history? Yeah, I started, I guess, pretty young. Like I had an older sister that I used to hang out with a lot. So I mean, we used to kind of just drink together. And I guess the youngest that I started actually drinking was probably like high school. Yeah, like 16 and stuff. And yeah, I stopped actually

when I turned, I guess you could say like 18, 19, I didn't really drink on the regular. And then when I turned like 21, like a few months after that, I started getting back into drinking like regularly. Now when you drink, let me ask you this. Do you drink to the point of blacking out? Are you able to have like one drink and say, okay, like that's enough and I'll go home? Like how do you deal with that kind of situation? Yeah, like usually I would drink like enough to like just feel it, you know, like a buzz or whatever. like take two shots and then

be fine with it. But now lately I've been noticing like after that like obviously my tolerance is getting a little bit higher so I'm wanting to take four which is obviously a bad you know bad so that's why I'm like okay I need to stop. Yeah because that's the whole thing about

like the whole alcoholic thing and when they say it's like progressive like things could get worse and worse because it could start out like I mean there's like little red flags that are coming out with coming up with you right and you see them, which is like, that's like the best news, like seriously, that you're so at such a young age, self-aware enough, right? Especially with this history that you have with your mom, you know,

sort of like in your face being a functioning alcoholic, to be self-aware enough to know that maybe, you know, this is the time to nip it in the bud before it becomes a problem, I think, is like a really good part of you to have. Do you know what I mean? I think people are made up of concoctions, right? So like, and I can even tell by the way you were like emailing me and on top of your game as like to schedule the call and stuff. Like you are like a what is like a very responsible together kind of person. Now I'm the same wire the same way, right? And so sometimes and because like when I did go to the extreme, sometimes when that kind of personality type can totally take it to the extreme, you know. But I do believe that that kind of part of your personality is the part that.

that could help you actually get a handle on it. Now, I, for one, for me, could not ever be sort of a moderate person. Like when I say, like, you know, what they say with addicts and stuff is like they're very extreme. And like, I am that way with everything. So it's much easier for me to do something totally all or nothing at all. You know, to have only one or two drinks was never sort of in me. because for me, when I would drink, like something in my brain would be a little bit different. Like, you know what I'm saying?

Like, and I just wouldn't think properly. Like, I would never be smart enough or be the person that I am without alcohol to be like, oh, that's enough drinking and I should just go home. I was always at the point of a blackout, always had to take it to the end. And I always thought I was more fun than everybody else, honestly, because I was like, what's wrong with people that I could have like two drink and go home? I thought they were total dullards. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. And I was like, what's their problem? like because when I had one or two, it was like I started to feel that high and I just wanted more of it and I would just take it. And like, you know, I don't really remember like when I was like, I hated drinking actually. And I think the reason why I started to drink so much is because I would drink a drink in like three sips because it was just so gross to me, you know, but I wanted to get drunk. So I would just drink up. It was never something like, oh, I'm just like really enjoying it. I mean, later on I did enjoy like a martini or there.

certain things that I like the taste, but I would drink really fast because I like to be drunk. I like that feeling, you know? And like when you say you're having to drink, it's not like for the taste either, right? Like you're drinking as much as you can to get to a place where you feel kind of loopy, right? Yeah. And that's what, like, I talked to someone about it too and they said, like, you go back to that because it actually works. Like it's a thing that actually is effective. And I was like, that's true. I was like, it is. effective. Like it does work every time like you go back to it because you expect to be drunk or feel that feeling. Yeah, but what is it being effective for? Like, okay, like, what do you think that being, like, like at this point in your life, do you know what you get out of being drunk? Do you feel like there's something that you're trying to avoid? Is it just something that you like to do because it's fun? Is it something like I think you said it's because you're quote unquote bored? I mean, why do you think that you even want to get to that place when you're at work and all the time? And,

and you're always thinking about it. Well, I don't know. I think also because I've been to like a point to that you said, like you used to get like so drunk, you'd go black out and stuff. Like I think that I don't do that because I have like a boyfriend at home. So he doesn't know that I drink, obviously throughout the day.

I kind of do it to just kind of make the day go by faster. So obviously I'm not going to come home like black out drunk. Yeah, you can't. Right. Yeah, I can't. but without him you might without him you could like that's sort of something that's keeping you from that right because exactly yeah but the fact that he doesn't know is a little odd right if you think about it like why is it a secret that you're doing like if it was totally fine like you know people

would know right yeah like why am i hiding it that's what makes me feel like bad about it you know because obviously if i i wouldn't be hiding it if it's not something i don't think is wrong and then so I feel like maybe I've been in this relationship for a while too and I didn't really have like a party like time you know like to go out and like be with my friends and get blacked out drunk and stuff like that so now that I'm getting kind of older I feel like I want to do that but I don't feel like I should have to do it behind like at work or behind his back you know I want to be able to do it with him and like with certain things but I feel like he kind of judges me sometimes when I do drink a little too much because of my mom or because like he's seen, you know, my family, they do have issues with alcohol.

So he doesn't want me to be that way, which is great. And I love for that. But obviously it's just like I feel like that's also something that's making me like want to do it more, I guess in a sense. Right, because you kind of can't. Yeah. You're kind of trapped. But you do, your relationship with him is good.

How long you've been dating him for? Um, a little, like, almost like six years now. Oh, wow. That is a very long time. Yeah. So he sees your mom. Do you have a father or your parents divorced or is it your mom? Yeah, my parents are divorced.

My dad is like the opposite of my mom. Uh, my dad's more of the strict kind of has a step together. And then my mom is, she's, uh, she's awesome. She's like the best, but she is a, and now she drinks and she knows it, but it's fine. I mean, there's nothing, you know, I guess whatever floats your boat, you know, I won't judge her for that at all. No, but the thing is that you saw that. Like, when you say it's just like every morning she's a drink and then that's it, like, was she like, and you say she's functioning? Like, how does the drinking play out in, you know, in your house, like growing up that you remember?

When I was a kid, I mean, she would hide it. She wouldn't do it, like, right in front of me. But as I got older, I would, I, you know, realize, like, you know, my mom. is drunk. You know, you kind of just can notice, like, certain things and, like, her slurring or whatever, like, just the instances that you come across when you get older, you notice, like, obviously, she's not sober. So, um, and then as I got older, you know, and started drinking, like, I mean, my mom would buy me alcohol, you know, so she did condone it to a point to where I felt like, or where I feel like it's, it's normal or something that, you know, is a lot were you when she would

buy alcohol for you? I mean the earliest, like around 16 or so. I mean, she would give me like a Mike's, you know, like nothing like a bottle or anything like that, but like a Mike's hard lemonade or something like that. But yeah, like around that age. And she knows, like does she talk, like when you said, oh, she drinks and she knows she's like, does she know she's an alcoholic or think that she has a problem or she thinks that it's okay? Um, she knows because now it's coming to a point where it's kind of hurting.

her like affecting her health so like her doctor's telling her to stop so what's wrong with her like she's having liver issues yeah like her stomach is just like killing her and stuff and like um her doctor would tell her like you need to stop drinking because you're drinking straight up like vodka she drinks vodka like straight up yeah yeah and like just out of like shots like that so um yeah like she knows she has a problem i know because she's not stopping even though after the doctor says like she'll tell me would be like, I'm drinking a lot less. Like, you'd be proud of me. And I'm like, that's good, but you need to stop completely.

Like, yeah, but think about it. Like, I mean, you know, unfortunately, the one thing that I always, like, explained to people at least for me when I quit drinking, I think it's probably true for everybody that quits drinking, especially when you've been drinking for a very long time. It's like you, a lot of times you don't really know why you drink until you stop drinking. Like, there was no way for me to know. The only reason why I quit, honestly, was because I was blacking out so. quickly. Like I couldn't even enjoy myself. Like it was like, you know, I used to black out only at the end of the night. Over the years of so many years of drinking, like by the time I was 34 and I had been drinking since I was 15. By the time I was 34, if I was, I would have like one drink and just black out. Like, and I was doing things like you know how when you drink and you get drunk like you do shit, but you never like cross a line. And even though you're so wasted, like you don't do things that would really embarrass yourself. Somehow like your subconscious keeps you from doing things like that. Like I was, I was, I

didn't even have that anymore. Like I was doing shit that I was like horrified about the next day. Like worse that like you know we all do stuff that were embarrassed about. You're like oh my God I can't believe and I fucked a lot of people that I didn't want to sleep with like I did a lot of that kind of stuff. But I'm talking about the stuff where I was like oh my God like I wanted to take I couldn't take enough showers like it was ashamed of stuff I did you know and that's where so I kind of had to just because physically it wasn't working and then it wasn't until like completely stopped drinking that I was like and started living my life without. alcohol completely that I was like, oh my God. Now I realize I really have a problem because now I realized I was drinking because I couldn't handle like a feeling anything but good. You know what I mean? Like anytime I had a feeling, especially a lot of insecurity and any kind of stuff like that that came up for me, I realized like I couldn't deal with that kind of stuff. And then when I thought back to my drinking life, I realized like, oh, I would take a shot when I was like if I was on a date with a a guy and I was feeling a little insecure because I didn't think he liked me or you know what I mean? And I started to really understand.

And when things would come up in my life and I couldn't drink to tolerate that, you know, to sort of get through them, I really realized how much I couldn't deal without alcohol. So your mother has been literally medicating herself to make it through the day with alcohol. For her to put the alcohol down, it's not, that's the first step and that's the easiest thing to do. The hardest thing to do is actually live without it because it's a crutch. It's something that you're helping yourself to deal. with something that you can't deal with. The alcohol is not the problem. The problem is whatever she's trying to not face. You know what I mean? Whatever happened to her when she was younger,

all of her insecurities, all of her stuff that she can't deal with. You know, so that's why it's so difficult. And, you know, that could be what's starting to happen with you. And also, like, you saw your mother doing it. Like when you say, oh, you know, there's little things that you say, like, oh, my mother hid it for me when I was younger. And now you're hiding it from your boyfriend. You know, it seems like these very innocent things that you say, but it's starting to be like this a little bit of a pattern, you know? Yeah. You, kind of the same. But like I said in the beginning, like the fact that you are like on it already to the point where you're like, hmm, like maybe this is something that I should talk about or find someone to talk about.

Like it's really great. I didn't have that in me when I was 22. Are you crazy? Like, no way. I didn't even, even when I quit, I still didn't think I had a problem. I just thought I had to like quit drinking because I physically couldn't handle it. You know, I didn't really realize all the ramifications till after, like I said. I mean, you know, you could sit here and say you're drinking because you're bored or whatever.

It would be like you'd have to like really completely cut it out totally to see like the real reason maybe why you're drinking. And maybe it is because you're bored and you are a moderate person and you could and you're not a total alcoholic and you're just, you know, maybe because of what you saw with your family. like you have to cut back a little bit. I don't know, you know. I have to get more information from you on that. But like, I just wonder if you didn't have that boyfriend who's like the best thing that ever happened to you right now at this point. Do you know how far you would take it?

And like, you know, what could eventually happen down the line is you could, you know, the more that you like there's, it's like we're all two people, okay? Like we always have a side of us that's like smart and together. And then we have a side of us that could do the. bad shit, you know, and sometimes it's like you against you, you know, you have this part that really loves your boyfriend and you're really happy and you know he's good for you. But you also have this other part of you that like kind of feels like you want to have a good time and do, be a blackout drug and live like your young life. You know what I mean? And sort of take it to the

edge and have a lot of fun. And he stops you from that, right? So like there's those two sides. And now like, because, and that's the side of you that wants to drink at work and all this stuff because you can't do it when you're home. Now, that's the side of you you have to watch out for because that side of you could really sabotage your relationship with this guy. Do you know what I mean? Because the more you feed that side of yourself, the more power it has. And then it just could get worse and worse.

And you could lose that boyfriend. And then what happens after that. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I can see that. And, you know, I don't know, like, I think sometimes in order to keep like, I mean, would you ever feel like maybe you could tell him about the drinking behind his back? Because in a way that would hold you accountable and to have him sort of like knowing about it could maybe help you not do it.

Would that make sense? Does that make sense to you or would that make it worse? Yeah, that makes sense. The only issue is like so obviously like you said, you sabotage things when you're like an alcoholic. Like you just don't really think about, you kind of rather protect your own ass before even like being truthful. You just don't think it's truthful right away. So obviously I've been with this guy for a while and he can tell when I'm drunk or when I'm when I'm buzz or he can smell alcohol. So he's noticed a few times of me coming home and smelling like alcohol and he asks.

And of course you lie. Like you say, oh, I didn't drink, of course not like I'm at work. What are you talking about? So obviously now coming out. out clean, I would feel like he would be more of like, well, what else have you lied to me about? You know, kind of in a sense. Like, that's why I kind of feel like I want to deal with it on my own to just so I can just fix it.

But yeah, I feel like I should be in a place to where I can be, I should be honest with him. Well, yeah. I also think only because not so much that it, because it's the right thing and because, you know, whatever, because you're in a relationship and you should be completely honest. But also because he really is someone. Listen, you've been with him for six years in a very, like, pivotal time of your life. Like, you know, six years at your age, you're changing and, you know, constantly and growing so much. And this is somebody that's been there with you through a lot of that, you know.

So this is someone that really knows you really well, knows your family, knows your history, and really cares about you. So I think that he could really help you, you know, be and help you with it. if you could be completely honest and come home from work one day and be like, oh my God, I fucked up again. Like I went and drank or like, you know, and he knew about it. Then he could maybe help you and talk you through it. Like, you know what I'm saying? It's more for that reason because he seems to be the one thing that holds you back a little

bit. And that's, that's something that you have right now. You also have the part of you, like I say, that's like looking for help, you know. But I think he's the first person that could really be helpful to you. And I think that you should be honest with him for that reason. You know, A, because it will, you don't want to sabbat. If you really love him and you guys have a good relationship and you want to stay with him, you don't want to sabotage it.

But I think that he could help you. I don't know. Listen, yeah, he'll be like, what are you lying? He probably knows, okay, because he's said stuff. So if you come clean and you really come clean, you know, you could be like it's, like, I'm not lying about anything else. This is what it is. and he'll, you know, if he doesn't believe you and he goes through trust issues with you,

that's something you guys are going to have to go through. But it's just, that's the truth. The truth is you have lied to him about drinking. It's probably obvious why you would lie to him, you know. But if you break down and really tell him the truth and be honest with him sitting across from him, I'm sure it will come out very heartfelt and he'll believe you. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, rather than him just catching me up smelling like alcohol.

Yeah, because what happened? with stuff like that is you start to go crazy like you know like on his angle right it's just like a man who's cheating on a woman and she doesn't really know for sure but she knows something you know what you mean and she just keeps like saying shit and he keeps denying it and that causes all kinds of problems you know and it's just like it so he smells it and you say no but he knows and that could be making him mental you know if you it's you know if you just come clean yeah for one second I'll think what else have you lied about but it's kind of obvious why you would lie about that you know and doesn't mean that you would lie about everything else.

Have you cheated on him or anything like that? Um, like, um, so that's like another issue that the alcohol obviously brought up. Like, yeah, once recently and I'll never do it again. And I feel like shit for it,

obviously. So, yeah, that's what happens. We're a lot more promiscuous when we drink and we do shit for sure. Like, I'm not a cheater, but I cheated when I was drinking.

Like, just, right? Like, I would not say as a person now. I've been sober 14. years, you know, and I'm not, but I did, and I would do it when I was drinking. And for me, I would cheat on boyfriends that I was, like, insecure about it and it would just make me feel better about myself or, like, whatever, you know? Um, I think that you have a good relationship with this guy, probably, so maybe you just cheated out of being horny and there was somebody there. Like, what, what's a situation? Like, how did it come up that you cheated on him? Um, yeah, like, I don't, yeah,

I guess I was just like, because I've just been with him for so long. I just wasn't really like it didn't seem like he was really trying to please me sexually so I was like fuck it at one point like I got kind of really upset you know yeah that's what happened yeah that fuck it you're upset about one person so you go and you fuck somebody else that's kind of like a not like you know that's that's the kind of like cheating that could you say you felt like shit and you'll never do it again but you probably will if you keep drinking because it's when you feel weak or insecure or upset like you go and do that and it gives you like this false sense of something you know you know, and that's, I totally understand that. I did that kind of shit too. And that will not be a one-off. I will guarantee you. Who did you screw? Like, I mean, I just want the actual story.

Like, what happened in that situation? I mean, not for the details of like a scandalous, but just because just to give you an idea, like, you should, you know, you have to know how you work to know how to mind fuck yourself. Do you know what I mean? Like, no, I was like, so that's like how I started even on Craigslist. like I looked I just post like I was looking at those posts on like Craigslist and then I came across one and I was just like hmm and then I emailed someone for like months okay okay so wait so you're having like so this is obviously your boyfriend is a guy that you lost your virginity to right? uh no but like like yeah I mean kind of what do you mean yeah kind of yeah like no I didn't lose my virginity to him but he's like the only one I really constantly had sex with okay so you lost you

your virginity. How old? And then got in a relationship with him right after. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 17. Okay. And then you were with him right after. Yeah. And so you've been with him and he wasn't like sexually pleasing you or whatever. Like you guys were having issues in that part of your relationship. Yeah. I mean like not right away. Like everything was fine. But then like after you're you're together for a while.

It gets boring or whatever. Yeah. Or whatever. So, and then, like, I wasn't really being vocal about what I wanted to. And what did you want that he wasn't giving you? Um, I mean, just like the way that I like it, you know, I like it like it, like rough for usually or like, you know. Oh, right, because you put in there something, you said something I had a DS relationship. Like, what is a DS?

I'm like, after all of the podcasts I've taped, I still don't, I don't know the legal, but it's dominant submissive. Okay, so you, and you want to be this a little bit submissive. right? Yeah. Okay. And so you were maybe, maybe you were a little shy to sort of admit that to him, right? Yeah, I guess, which is stupid too, because if you've been together for so long, you should be able to be comfortable enough to be. Yeah, but give yourself a break. You're really young. Sometimes, you know, we have people, listen, I have people that are 50 years old calling my

podcast talking about the shit that they do and it's like totally a secret because a lot of people are like really embarrassed about what they're into sexually. That's why I like doing my show because I don't think, I think people take sex way too seriously and it's no big deal and people are so judgmental. It's like weird to me because like, who cares if you're into that? You know, I don't think it's that big of a deal, but people really do think it's a big deal. And I think that's why people have to feel bad about themselves or weird and then they're not

honest. So, you know, everybody's like that. So it's not uncommon for people, no matter how long they're with somebody to sometimes keep their sexual fantasies to themselves because they're afraid of being judged, you know, and because some people would judge them, you know? And so you have this thing where you're into being like submissive and you never told your boyfriend. So you started to secretly go online and look for someone to like fulfill that fantasy for you. Oh, I would like go and just kind of like read and see like, you know, like it's kind of funny to just go on there and kind of read and see what's out there or whatever. So, yeah, like, I just kind of would go and I would read them.

And, like, I guess sometimes I'd, like, write people and then they'd write me back, but I would never, like, really write them back after, you know, kind of like... But was it something that you were doing, like, when you were, like, horny and, like, it was, like, a situation like that and you would just, like, get your rocks off, like, sort of, like, doing, like, you know, instead of cheating. Or, like, bored. Yeah, like, at work and just looking. So, like, I would just, when I was bored or something, I would just look on and, like,

just see what was out there and stuff. So, um, and then I came across like, I didn't know what that was, obviously before I even went on Craigslist, like the whole dominant submissive thing until like I was reading some of the posts. So then I started like asking people. And then like, um, I came across one person, um, who like posted just a, an ad that was like really interesting, you know, and like, um, just caught my attention. So I wrote him and like was talking to him just for a little while before I even like even like I didn't even think I was going to send him my picture or meet him like I always I honestly thought like I was just going to like just talk and like learn about it and then leave you know or just like fall off the face of the earth like and like I don't know the person ended up just being like really I don't know why I ended up trusting them and stuff but um what did his ad say though by the way like what was it about his ad that you were like oh this is someone I want to talk to um it was just like are you interested or do you feel like you're missing something in your sex life or whatever? Like, are you interested in being kind of like, you know, like handled or whatever?

Like, I don't know. It just seemed like interesting. How old was he at the time? Do you know? Like, was he the older guy? He's older, like, significantly older than me. Not too much, but like, yeah, he's older than me. How old was he?

He's like 40. Okay. And so how did it come to me? So you start chatting with him and stuff, right? And how does it happen that you guys wind up meeting up? Like, what would you cross that line? Like, he just, like, asked if I could send, like, a picture. So, like, after that, obviously, like, I felt comfortable enough to send him a picture.

And then he went. And then he just wanted to see if I wanted to meet him to talk, like, more about it. Like, it wasn't even, like, do you want to meet, like, to fuck? It was just, like, do you want to meet to talk, like, about, you know, like, whatever you feel like, you're interested in. Like he's like, I feel like you do like this, but you just don't really know, you know, about it. I can kind of talk to you about it more in my experiences. So we met like at a park and then he was like really not creepy. Like not someone you would expect on Craigslist.

So it just ended up becoming something like, I don't know, I was just comfortable with him and just developed into something, I guess, more. Yeah, but how much more did you screw him once or ten times that you start seeing him all the time like what did it turn into um like from the park did you guys go to a hotel his car like how did it you know cross over yeah like it would be the car first i'm sorry there's something about car sex i mean when you're younger and you can't go anywhere but like cheating car sex is so hilarious to me i think there's so many people in parking lots cheating in the backseat of minivans and i don't know i just there's something about it that's always so hilarious me all right so You go from the park? Do you go that first day in the park, like, to his car?

No. Okay. No. It's like, I waited like a week and then we were emailing again. And then, um, like, we met up a week after at the same park and then like he kissed me. And then we ended up like fucking. And then I don't know. Obviously I liked it.

So then I wrote him back and like we were just like had like a little kind of like thing for like, uh, like a month or two. I really don't even know how long it was. because I was like drunk the whole time. Right. I was going to ask you if you needed alcohol to like sort of get it on with him. Pretty much drinking like before I'd go and meet with him. Like I would stop and drink and then go meet him.

But yeah, I don't know. And then obviously like I don't know, I just felt like shit after a while. Like I'm just like, why am I doing this? How many times did you see? I see, you know, the way you tell the story in the beginning, this is why you have to ask a million questions. It sounded like I screwed someone once. and I felt so bad and I'll never do it again.

But you obviously sort of saw him for a while, right? Yeah. Yeah. So that's why when I remember I was like, you're going to do it more than once. You've already done it more than once. Yeah. It was just one person at this point. But I mean, when did you put a stop to it?

Like, after how many times? Um, like, I don't know, probably like a handful or like seven, like seven times. You know, like around there. But. And you just like did it get to a point where you just felt so guilty and so bad for doing it that you're like I got to stop. Is that what happened? Yeah. Yeah. And like I just kind of knew like I just I don't know. And then obviously like I'd come home sometimes smelling like alcohol or something and like I don't know. It's just like all the lies. Like you get tired of lying. Yeah. I mean did you have to come home and start taking a shower? I mean that's always so obvious to somebody. And I never thought I would cheat. I just never thought like I would do that. And still now thinking. it like I still can't believe I let myself do that especially since I love this person like it's hard to say that after you fucked them over like I fucked him over obviously so it's hard to even like right but like you see your pattern is like you're drinking like if you weren't drinking you would

have never been able to do that right yeah and you probably like you said did it a little bit because of the I mean like do you think it was mostly like if you had to be really super honest with yourself. Did you think it was because you just sexually want to experience something else? Or was it because you were like, something was going on in your relationship that was hard to handle. And instead of sort of facing it with your guy and being direct with him, you went and did this to sort of deal with it? Yeah, I think it's like a mix of both. Like I think it was, you know, me wanting to experience other things and then me just being frustrated with asking him so many times to do something and not doing it. Like, so what would you ask him to

do that he wouldn't do. Like, like, just the way I wanted to get fucked sometimes, you know, or like asking to do it. Like, I would be like, you know, like, can you do this for me? And then like, or ask him like nicely and then he just never would do it. Or like, blow down on me more. Like, like, do something like or kiss me more. Like, hug me more. Like, he just like, this is what guys need to hear.

Like, this is what happens. A woman will say something over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again before she goes out and cheats, right? And then she cheats. You know, you got to listen to women what they say. They let you know. Yeah, like, I don't want to nag you to love me. Like, you should just, like, I don't know. Like, if you're

going to. You let him know what your needs were and he wasn't sort of satisfying. And we're not saying, listen, that that's the reason why anyone should go and cheat. You tried to be honest with them. You weren't completely honest because you did want stuff sort of a little bit more hardcore than you were able to cop to him about and then you found somebody else. Listen,

if you're going to come clean about the alcohol, don't ever come clean about the cheating, right? Like, you know, you don't have to tell him that. Okay, that's not something. That's like, like, to me, when people say, oh, you should tell so. It's, like, selfish. Like, there's no reason for him to know that kind of a thing, you know? That's your thing.

You felt, you, I'm assuming you, it came to, like, I've had those moments in my life where I've done something really terrible. And then it just, like, hit me out of the blue at some point, like, oh, my God. And then you feel really bad. And then you have to forgive yourself and you have to go on, you know? So I'm assuming that you felt horrible. you got to a point where you really realized what you were doing felt terrible and then we're able to like sort of deal with that on your own and move on right and never do it again

or at least for now right how long ago did that happen uh it's been like a few months now so i mean it's been kind of recent yeah that's why and has that i mean was that guy okay with you just dumping him i mean he was probably like you know pretty happy to found somebody yeah like he he's like really understand like understanding like he was married and stuff so obviously I felt bad about that too um that was like another factor of guilt but um like he was just like super understanding at the fact that he knew like you feel guilty and there's like he he's just weird at the fact that he's okay i just like i don't i was just like i don't understand how you're just so okay with this like it's just it's a part of you like you're okay with cheating on your wife which is fine

He was just like as long as she just doesn't know, like, she just can't do this for me. So I just want to make sure, like, I satisfy myself and don't take it out on her in a sense. That was kind of like his mentality. That's how he, yeah. Listen, everyone, we all sort of have our own way of looking at things. Listen, I have it on my show. I have guys on my show that call him. They get fucked in the ass by a guy wearing a dildo and they don't think they're cheating on their wives because they're not fucking a woman.

Like, you know, there's all different kinds of things that people put in their head to make themselves feel okay about things. Do you know what I mean? Your alcohol thing, you know, you start off sort of saying like, oh, you know, when I'm at work, I get a little bored and maybe I shouldn't really drink. And then like, you know, this whole other thing comes out, right? That like you're on Craigslist having, you know, doing things that you don't feel right about, right? Like you're with a married man. Some people wouldn't care about that. But you did feel bad about that, right?

Yeah. You were cheating on a guy that you've been with for a very long time that you really love and you felt really bad about that. you know, and alcohol helped you do that, right? So there's a lot more going on than just like drinking for boredom, you know? You might have that thing. Are you still on? Yeah. Can you hear me?

Yeah, I can. I just didn't know. You might have that thing, you know, where most people that have issues with alcohols is like when you sort of feel things that are too intense or feel stuff, you know, and you can't really, you don't know how to deal with them, right? You go out and sort of act out and you drink and, And that's what it happens. You know, I would assume, I mean, I don't know how long your dad was in the house.

But if you're being raised by a mom who's like kind of drunk all the time, like, I don't know how much you were taught, you know, as a younger person to deal with all of your feelings. Like I always felt like when I quit drinking, I went back to like being like a teenager. Like, and I just never had those skills. I was never sort of taught how to deal with my emotions, right? So anytime I felt anything other than being really happy, right, I couldn't deal and I acted out. you know, when I was younger, I was super rebellious, got thrown out of tons of schools. I was always, I was either smoking pot all the time. Then when I quit smoking pot, I was drinking and I was very promiscuous.

And I went through all of that. And all of that was acting out because I just didn't know how to sort of deal with my shit. And I just wasn't taught that stuff because I was brought up in like an unstable, you know, household, right? So I'm thinking that, you know, you might have the same thing going on because, you know, how much could your mother have taught you to deal with stuff if she wasn't dealing with it herself? Yeah, that's true. And yeah, like, so my parents divorced when I was younger. I lived with my dad and my mom, like, on and off.

So my mom remarried and I had a stepdad as well. And then I would just, there's a point to where my mom just kind of couldn't take care of us financially. So when I got older, like around 10 or so, that's when I lived with my dad, who's actually, he never drinks. he's like a really good just like example. That's kind of what I look to when I try and like realize like, look, I don't need to be drinking. You know, stuff like that. Right. That part of you comes from your dad.

Thank God for him. Yeah. And that's why you have a good boyfriend, by the way. I didn't have a good dad. So I never had good boyfriends. That's why, you know, that guy and that you're dating six years is because you had that role model, you know, of a good guy. You know a good guy when you see one because you had a good dad. Yeah.

And it's funny because when he used to. tell me when my boyfriend actually like tells me or would tell me stuff I would kind of take it like like don't tell me what to do you know kind of get annoyed with him like being like not telling me not to drink so much and stuff or I would take it kind of like he's nagging me and then I instead of being like oh he just loves me like he just cares about me you know I would kind of take it as like don't tell me not to drink and then go and yeah but anyone's good listen you know we're all our own people first and foremost, especially when you're younger and you're growing up. Like you're just like sort of, you want to be in charge of you, you know, especially

you're 22. You just became like an adult. You know, you're just starting to sort of deal with your whole life on your own without parents. And, you know, and so nobody wants to then get somebody else telling them what to do. You were told what to do your whole life. I don't know. I was always someone that didn't want anyone to tell me what to do even when I was like

two. So I totally get that. You know, you're your own person, you know, and you don't want to be told. even if it's, you know it's not the right thing. Because listen, at the end of the day, the only person that's going to get you to quit drinking and really take care of yourself is yourself, right? It's got to be your choice. I think your boyfriend's good for you because he could help you, right?

But it doesn't matter what he says to you because, look, you're still going to do what you're going to do, right? Yeah. You still go on Craigslist and, you know, do your thing. You still drink at work and you just don't tell him. You're still going to figure out ways to do it. It doesn't matter. And listen, if he nags you more, it may make it worse, right?

that's why I think just being completely getting to a place if you could really just break down and be completely honest with him but don't you dare be honest about the affair that you the release you know that thing that you did but be completely honest about the drinking he can be your you know somebody that could hold you

accountable and can help you I know that you said that you just couldn't sort of like you were looking for a program but you didn't really want to do AA right because you can't find something to fit into your schedule but you were looking for like a sponsor. I mean like I did a for a couple months and it was like not my scene. I was the type of person like if you tell me not to do something I want to do it. So if you tell me I have to go someplace every single day for the rest of my life and they're going to tell me don't drink,

don't drink, don't drink. I'm going to want to drink more. Do you know what I mean? Like if I just sit in the middle of that constantly, it's just going to be always sort of there. Right. So I just, it didn't work for me. Though it does work for tons and tons of people. I think it's different personality types, you know. I was more of a leader than a follower. And I think it's terrible to say like, oh, followers like AA. But like some people just need to be told what to do and they need structure and they need discipline and they need it to be given to them. And that's what AA does.

A lot of the stuff and people I knew that were very successful in quitting that went to A.A. Would always say, oh, my God, Kathy, the reason why you're successful and not in AAs because you do all the AIA stuff naturally. Like I was doing all the stuff that they say. So it is a great program and it does really help people if they don't have those tools or they can't sort of have, if they don't have the discipline themselves. I'm very disciplined, like really hardcore. Like I was able to quit smoking. I could quit drinking. Like it's the other stuff that comes up that's really hard.

And I was also very self-aware. That's another thing you have to be. I think you have that. I think you have the self-awareness, which is something that you really need that, you know, sort of A.A. puts, you know, that's why they give you sponsors. and they make you go because you got to face your shit, you know, and you have to be honest with yourself, you know. And so you want to be able to do, if you don't have a program like that and you're doing it on your own and you want to be successful, you can be because I have been. Listen, I'm somebody that's

successful at quitting drinking 14 years later. I've never drank since I quit that time and I only did A for a couple of months, you know, so I'm here to say that you can do it. Though I do think it's a good program if you have to, I just don't believe, like for me it wasn't realistic. to be like, I got a sponsor in the beginning. And first of all, she was like 18 years old. I was like 34, but drinking since I'm 15. She's like drank for a year and then quit. It was like, you know, it was very hard

for me to sort of listen to. And like I said, I was like you. I don't have every single day time to go to a meeting. And, you know, I want to have a life, but I want to quit drinking. And I was able to do that. And it's not like, I did everything wrong in the beginning. And things got really

a lot worse before they got better. And it is a whole process. But I will tell, you 100% it was like the greatest thing I ever did just like people will tell you in aA like it is magical quitting drinking for people that have a problem with drinking it's like going from living in a dark room to going and living in a room that's totally like the lights were turned on it's like 100% difference of my life but it doesn't happen like the light switch doesn't go on automatically it takes a long time because most of the time people that drink like I said before are drinking for a reason. So when you put down that alcohol, you have to face a lot of shit. And that's

really hard, right? And when things get hard, people that have a problem with drinking, they want to go drink because that's like, it's like liquid courage, you know, that's what they call it, you know. So it makes you feel better because you can't really fucking deal, you know, and you have to learn how to deal with all the stuff, you know, and I would say 14 years later, I'm like very at peace with myself. I've dealt with every single thing in my life for 14 years without anything, you know, and that's real strength. You know, and a lot of people, I think that drink don't have that strength. They don't have their feet on the ground. They were never given those tools when they were younger. I think your dad probably gave you a lot of stuff, and that's why

you're, you know, you might not be as bad as me. You had that good role model. I didn't have one good role model. Not that my parents were alcoholics, but I just had a difficult childhood, you know, but with your mom, like you have that other part of you, that's probably a little messed up that you need to face that shit. Even if like, I mean, I don't know how to be moderate, like I said for myself. Do you think that you could be moderate? That's like a question. Yeah, I have.

Like, I mean, when I talk to people, they're like, you can't just, you can't just slow down drinking. They're all, you have to quit completely. And I'm like, do you really have to? Well, this is what I would say, okay? because sometimes when you look at something forever, like quit drinking forever, it's so like, it's too much, right, to deal with. But like what you should do to see whether you could be modern or not, it's just tell

yourself you're going to quit drinking for a certain amount of time. Say three months, right? Just say, I'm just not going to drink for three months. That's it. Okay. And after that, you could do whatever the fuck you want. And then see what comes up in that time. see how when you're at work and you're bored and you can't drink and you don't drink,

what comes up for you and what do you feel and what can you not handle? And are you just okay and that's fine? Or do you start to feel like freaked out and you can't deal with it? You know what I mean? Because you have to see why you're drinking. And I really believe that the only way to know why you're drinking to begin with is to completely stop 100% and sort of figure it out. For me, like I said, I remember specifically when I,

quit drinking. I thought it was a physical thing. I had liked some guy that didn't like me and he was like my friend and I remember exactly where I was when I got this call. Someone called me and said, oh, that guy, you like, you know, he met this girl and she's like hot and blah. And I felt super insecure and upset. And the first thing I did without even thinking, I started looking in my phone and I was looking for someone to go and sleep with. And I realized that every single person in my phone that I used to sleep with, I could never fuck them without alcohol. Do you understand? Like there was no way I could do it. And then when I realized I couldn't go screw somebody else, I realized I just had to be upset about this guy and I couldn't deal.

It was like claustrophobic to me. Do you understand? And that's when I realized, oh my God, I'm like a weak mess. Do you know what I'm saying? Like I have like, I am just like the biggest week. Like, you know, I can't deal with anything. And that's when it started. And then that feeling, I'm telling you is like the most horrible feeling to feel so vulnerable

and to feel that part of you that's really there and underneath all your stuff and to come face to face with that quote unquote weakness or whatever it is and see that is very scary, really horrifying and you're and you feel very helpless. And that's why at the beginning A.A. did help me because I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do. But from there I started to see a therapist and I saw therapist for a couple times a week for a while. And then, you know, I started living my life and fucking up. I did everything that I wasn't supposed to do. I started illicit relationships.

I did all kinds of crazy things, but I stayed sober. And I have to say for the first year, I did never went in a bar. And to this day, I don't go in bars because they're so fucking boring. Okay, so I don't even do it anyway. But, I mean, I could if I want to. I can make people drinks. I could sit around people drinking and I have absolutely no desire, you know. But for a while in the beginning, I really made sure I didn't even bother.

But I was at the point, and this is where we're very different, where I used to be like even when I was drinking, I was so bored and I would drink so much because bars were so boring for me. I'd always be like I'd rather be changing diapers. Like I could care less about been there, done that. There's something very exhausting after a while about the whole bar scene, you know. But when I was 22, it sure wasn't exhausting. It was like the greatest thing of my life. Like it was like the best times of my life, a lot of my times going out and drinking, you know?

So it's like I was also bored, been there, done that. Do you understand? So you're not at that point yet. You have like all this stuff inside of your 22 year old brain that you want to do, which I totally get. So I think if you just take a little time now off from it and sort of see where you're at and see what your issues are and maybe get a therapist and be more honest with your boyfriend and be more accountable to the shit that you're doing and just be really like, you know, put it out there so that you keep yourself in check. you know, that's the best way to sort of do damage control because maybe you'll go back to drinking. Maybe you'll cheat again.

Like these things are going to happen. That's what life's about. Life is not supposed to about being perfect, right? Like, you know, I tried to quit a couple times before I quit for good. And I remember feeling really terrible about myself. But like, you know, shit happens. That's the way. It's not the movies.

Like things are just change and everything's happy. That's what I was going to ask to. Like, did you just quit like once and then stop or did it take you like a few times to quit? Well, it's funny. Because, you know, I would tell the story. I was always a journal person. You know, I grew up at a different time than you. We didn't have Internet.

So I would like write in journals. And I, when I quit, after I quit drinking, I would have thought that that was the first time I quit. But when I went back for that first year, when I did nothing, I basically stayed home. I read all my journals from like the time I was 26. I think I was writing to 34 and I started to read. And I couldn't believe. And this is why journaling is so good. You don't really remember things the way they really go down.

I couldn't believe how many times in my. journal I wrote about how I need to quit and how I tried to quit and I would quit for a month or a week and I would it would never stick you know I would like I said thought that that was the first time I really thought I had a problem when quit but it that wasn't the case I had tried many times and right before the last time I really quit there was like one month where I kept saying I would I what I did was this and this is you've probably played these games before and everybody does before they quit for sure. I was like I won't because I was a I was a hard alcohol person. I liked vodka or tequila. Like I want to get drunk fucking fast. Okay. Like don't give me 10 beers. Like what a waste of my time. I would, you know what I mean? I would drink six vodka. Okay. That was my thing. So I would I started to say, okay, since I'm blacking out from vodka and tequila, I'll only drink wine or I'll only drink beer. Do you understand? And I kept cutting things out. And I won't sleep with it. But then I would always fuck up, you know, and I would feel terrible. And there was one friend who was a sober person that I would call up and I would say, oh my God, I said I wasn't going to, I quit sex. The last year I quit sex because I was like, sex became the most meaningless thing for me. And I think sex is like really great. And I always, besides being sort of promiscuous and acting out, I also had a part of myself to think it's a very good healthy thing, you know, and I didn't want to ruin something so good. Because it got to the point where I would just like sleep with people and just like lay there. Like it was like it didn't even matter who was doing it. You know, it's like that.

It was that bad that I actually quit that last year because I just kept fucking up and I would feel so terrible about myself. And I would call this one person that was like my sounding board and say like, oh my God, I drank again. I said I wasn't going to or I fuck this person. I said I wasn't going to. And he was an AA person. And he would be like, that's okay. Like at least you feel bad about it. Like, and you just try again, you know.

And then I have to say I had my bottom. And it was when I just felt so. I was thrown out of the bar like literally. physically thrown out, like pick her up and get her the fuck out of here. And all of my friends like, and that was a bar where like all my friends hung out where I work where the owner and me used to date. I made out with one of his friends right in front of him. Like that's the kind of shit I was doing right before. Yeah.

Do you understand? Remember when I said that I started to do things that I would never ever do and I would have no memory about it. You understand? And I was like and nobody wanted to talk to me. Nobody liked me anymore. I mean, it was really bad. And I hit my lowest bottom and that's when I knew I had to quit. And it was a terrible feeling.

That's how I knew I was really there. And then it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So for you, you know, if you do have a real problem, it will eventually come to be a bottom, quote unquote. But like look at someone like your mother. She doesn't have one, you know. She's like fucking hardcore. And that's a scary thing because she's like physically now sick from it. And she isn't doing anything about it.

you have a much better chance than your mother. I really highly doubt that at her age you're going to still be drinking. I think it's so great that you're on it at 22 and you're thinking about it and you're looking for people to talk to. And I just think you have to know how to mind fuck yourself. That's why, like I say, like, you know, you maybe should tell your boyfriend because that'll be a way to keep yourself accountable to him and that's like it helps you a little bit, but there's other things that you have to do to keep yourself from drinking.

And I think personally you should completely stop for a certain. Even if it's one, you start with two weeks or start with a month. Like, do you drink every day, right? Yeah, pretty much. Like, that's what I've been getting into is just drinking every day. So, like, except for the weekends. But then when we go out with weekends, I'll have a drink with them too. So pretty much every day.

And I'm starting to just like feeling like shit. because you're drinking or yeah like you know you just you know you have hangovers and stuff but if you're drinking constantly then it's kind of like you're always drunk or you're always hung over in a sense so yeah and you know what the weird thing the really bad thing that starts to happen eventually and this happened to me is that you only feel good when you're drinking like you actually feel really good when you drink and then you feel like really shit when you don't drink yeah like that's how i started it so i mean like i can stop like today I didn't drink and I didn't drink like Tuesday so like I can do it on certain days but I hate when I do it like one day and then the next day I want to drink like I don't want to do that

you know I want to do it for like a week straight or yeah you have you can't do it like oh I'm only not going to drink on Tuesdays that's like ridiculous I mean that's like then just drink every day I don't you know come on you have to like get to a point where you say okay maybe even you know for this month like I'm just going to take a week off it's very hard, like so hard, okay, because it's like become like this pattern and you've given into it, you know, and it's like the train has left the station and like how do you stop that? Like you just have to summon up every part of you to be. And that's why I think maybe the boyfriend could help. I don't know. Yeah. For me, I think it's kind of embarrassing that I need help. I think that's, I'm kind of a person

that's like I don't really ask for help. Yeah, me neither. That's why I said like it's the most horrifying lowest point to really sort of come to a place where you own and actually really see that part of yourself and then go out and help people. I never felt more helpless in my life that day that I had to like sort of reach out to people to say I do quit. What am I supposed to do? Like, oh my God. I never felt that way ever in my life and I never want to feel that way again. And that was what like I said was my bottom. Like since you're not there, yet, you know, sometimes most people have to sort of have something happen to them to get them to that place. So for like right now, it's like you have to sort of try to do it without reaching

a bottom, which would be the greatest thing, right? And maybe just try for a week not drinking. Okay. And then after that, try for like a month. Maybe just force yourself, listen, you could just go to one AA meeting. This is how I felt like I was like, And, you know, I thought you were a guy for some reason in your ad. And then when you were a woman that called it, was like, oh, that's like really great. Because I know for me when I was quitting drinking and going to my first AA meeting, I was like, I thought like all the people there would be like gas station attendants. I don't know, like, men, like just greasy men. I don't know why.

I just thought there would be like all these. And that's so rude to say for gas station tenants because I have nothing against them. I don't know. But I just didn't believe there would be any women there. Like I just had this weird picture of how the place would be. what alcoholics were and how I wasn't a part of that group, you know? And I walked in and it was like very bizarre because there was like 10 women in this meeting. And they were all dressed super well and they were like all different kinds of women.

And they all got up and talked. And they just like, one girl talked about like getting raped when she was younger by all these guys she hung out with. And I was like, oh my God, I used to constantly. I realized, oh my God, I was like being raped constantly by the guys I hung out with when I was younger when I was drinking. Like all this shit came up for me. And it was just like so great for me like, go. going to my first meeting and seeing that and being able to realize, okay, like, this is a, this is, I am like these people and this is a group and this is what they look like and this is who they are. And let me tell you, alcoholics are a very interesting, amazing group of people. They are badass, okay? They're not the boring. Like, people think people that quit drinking are boring. No, they're the funest fucking people at the party. Okay. They just had to stop because they're like too fun, you know? And it's just like they're all different kinds of people from all. And it's just great to just know that you could.

relate and you might be able to meet somebody that maybe you could talk to out of the thing. You don't have to find one that fits into every day of your schedule. Just get your ass to one. I did it for a couple months and I went to them here and there and I did it my way. And in the beginning, it was helpful. And then I figured out how to do it myself. You know what I mean? But it would be great for you to just go to one and just go.

Because sometimes it's like you hear these people's stories and you could relate and it brings up stuff for you. and it just really helps. You have to like get to that place in you where you really sort of realize you need help and then you have no choice but to ask for it. I am completely exactly the way you are. You don't want to ask for help.

I think most alcoholics and addicts are that kind of personality type. Do you understand? I used to go to work drunk and puk in between clients. I never missed a day of work. I was like that person. Most alcoholics are. They're hardcore.

They're not lazy people. okay so you know you should maybe just try to fit it into your schedule just go to one and hear some stories and then figure out how to work you might not get a sponsor but maybe you'll meet a friend like you don't know what will happen but i always felt like the beginning when i went in the beginning there was like magical shit that happened to me that was like exactly what i needed at the time and even though i didn't stay in it forever it was really good for me you just hear one thing that it's just like the light bulb goes off do you know what i mean and you see if putting your yourself in that position, even just putting the ad on Craigslist, you're talking to me, you're talking to other people, you go to AA, you know, this is what you need to keep doing because through those kind of avenues, you know, something may happen or you'll get little things of wisdom that will help you to the, down the right path, you know, because you have two paths you could go on right now. You have two sides of you, do you know what I mean? And you have to sort of force yourself to do, keep doing the other side.

you do the other shit while you're still drinking whatever even if you're drinking go just go to a meeting here or there or call into my show again I could talk about this topic for like 10 hours because it's something that I personally went through and it's something that I really understand and it's nothing

to be ashamed about it's a very common thing you know I know that when I watch intervention I always feel like oh the people when I see the people in the beginning and at their intervention there's no family members there and they have no family at all. I always know that they're the people that are going to relapse. I think family is very important and having like, you know, good relationships in your life. Like that's like a founding,

even though my family was fucked up and they, I didn't have, they were still like in my life, you know. And that kind of stuff like really helps. You have that. You have a good dad. You have a close relationship with your mother even though she drinks. You know, you have a sister. You, you have that boyfriend. So you have like the support group around you and you have an A meaning. If you, want to go to it, you have other people you could talk to, and just keep doing that kind of stuff. And then you just have to get to a point where you just decide to quit for, even if you start, like, you know, for sure. I do not believe you could be moderate yet.

You could do that down the line, but I think first you have to figure out why you're drinking to begin with. Yeah. And the only way you'll know if you quit. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. It is like a pattern that you just need. So what?

It is like a pattern that you need a. And it's not just, yeah. And the way to break the pattern is to not feed it. I've quit drinking. I quit smoking. I've quit a lot of things. I'm very good at quitting. And quitting shit is like you have to not feed the fire.

The more you don't feed the fire, it eventually goes out. And it's always hardest in the beginning because whatever you created, you create that thing in your brain that wants alcohol. Every time you say, okay, when it wants it, you make that stronger. And that will just get stronger and stronger and worse and worse. And it will control you. And you will lose your relationship. You will probably lose your job.

Okay, two years from now, like this just keeps going on, it will get way worse, okay? That's just a fact. So what happens is you have to sort of deny that. The more you deny it, the less powerful that becomes and the easier it becomes. But in the beginning, it's the hardest. Elizabeth Vargas, she's like some date line person or a 2020 person. She was like on recently on a Diane Sawyer interview talking about it. And I remember when I saw the commercial, I was like, yeah, whatever.

She seems like such a prima donna that like, I'm sure she wasn't. no alcoholic, you know, and then I listened to her story. She was, you should really try to find that on DVR. She was one of those sort of closet drinkers that was very moderate and just doing it kind of on the side. And it really spiraled out of control from her. And her interview is really fascinating. And you should really listen to it.

Because it would be really helpful. It's definitely on DVR, like Google. I don't know if it was 2020 or 48, I think it was a 2020 episode. you'll feel you'll probably relate to her and her kind of drinking and how it went down and you know it'll be interesting to watch because she definitely hit a bottom after so many years of doing it drinking at work hiding keeping it a secret

she was living that kind of a life so you should watch that it'll help you yeah good I'll watch it I'll definitely email you about that to see if I could find it yeah do it go back to work at least you didn't drink today right because you called me on your lunch break

You're not drinking while we're talking, right? No, no. Like, I called you drunk. No. No, right? No more cheating. You're not on Craigslist looking for anybody right now. No, I'm trying to quit.

You're what? I'm going to try to keep like so on out. So it's a really, really great talk. It was good talk. Okay, good. Definitely open my eyes to a few things. Yeah, re-listened? this episode because I'll be airing it probably maybe even this Sunday.

Re-listen to it because it'll help you. Go to an AA meeting if you can. Just one. You may hear a great story. You're not going to learn everything from me. You know, you might let everyone get to like you'll hear different things that you'll learn from all over the place. You know, that's how it works. So the more people you talk to and the more you keep sort of looking in that direction, the more you may find help, you know, and the more help you'll get and the more you might want to quit on your own, you know, and that'll be very helpful for you. So keep going down that road while you drink. Do you understand? Yeah. Okay. All right. So keep me posted. Go to a meeting and let me know how to go. Just force

yourself. Just go to one. Just go to one. Just listen. Don't listen to those people that you have to do everything every single day and all that shit. Don't worry about that. Just go to one just to hear the stories. It'll be helpful. You'll like it. Yeah. I'll go to one and I'll let you know. I'll email you, let you know how it is. All right, Alicia, keep in touch and let's talk to you again, like just so that we could keep you on the straight and narrow. No more cheating.

And tell your boyfriend, but don't tell them about the cheating, okay? Okay, thanks. All right, good luck with everything. Bye. Thank you. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers,

is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the, audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it. in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse

letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. Chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available. coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay, there's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content

with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you could win a lot. lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the last. link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.

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