Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 161 - Amber is a Total Drunk who Recently Quit Drinking

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Amber is only 23 but she recently had to quit drinking and she calls in looking for advice on how to stay sober. Where, when and how much did she drink? What happened to her when she drank? Why did she quit drinking? Tune in to hear all about her couple of years of hardcore drinking. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. Motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kay and Tommy. Hey, welcome to a strictly anonymous podcast.

Kathy, if you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous or follow me at Cartoon Therapy. If you haven't subscribed to my podcast, subscribe, and if you can, write a review. I had two people write reviews for my show this week. Thank you so much for that. And both of them kind of alluded to the fact that they'd like to be on the show. So for them as well as other people listening, if you want to be on my show, I'm always looking for people to call in. Send me an email at Strictly anonymous podcast at e-mail.com.

I like to talk to all kinds, people, people with problems, people with secret lives, people with interesting lives. You know, all that kind of stuff. You could look at the titles and think, oh, I just want to talk about sex, but that's not true. I like to talk about all kinds of things. Alcoholism or, you know, being a blazing drunk is always like an interesting topic for me because I'm like a sober person. and I've been sober for, I think, 14, 15, 13 years, something like that. I think it's 14. It's like hard to count at this point, but it's always something that I enjoy talking about. I think it's a very widespread problem. I just had a girl on, Alicia, the alcoholic, and now I have

another girl on. Her name is Amber, you know, her fake name. Amber is an alcoholic, too, and she's very similar to Alicia. She's very young, and she feels that she has a problem with alcohol, and she definitely does. She's taken things pretty far for her young age. You know, like this girl hasn't really drank for that long and she's, you know, sort of drank a lot and had a lot of suffered a lot of consequences already because of her drinking. And

she's recently quit, but she's just looking for help. So I changed her voice a little bit. So her voice sounds odd. It's because she asked for voice to be changed. but you know for me like I said I like this topic because it's something that I personally went through and I think people will always be Googling looking for information because a lot of people maybe feel like they have a problem with drinking and they don't want to tell people about it or talk to anyone about it so they go looking you know in private on their own for information of how to quit so that's why I think this podcast is great for people to listen to if you found this podcast

because you have an issue with drinking, I think you'll find it really enjoyable. If you don't have an issue with drinking or any kind of sort of addiction, you'll still find it interesting because chances are you know somebody that does. And you could, you know, give them this advice. I think I give good advice on this kind of issue because I've lived it. But again, my advice is unprofessional, as I always say. Anyway, so I'm just going to get right back on. Oh, this is what I wanted to say because I was just editing the podcast and I re-listened to the whole thing. And I was giving her all this advice about talking to people. You have to talk to people about your problems. And like, you know, basically I really believe that's what you have and that's all you have if you're a sober person is like talking to people.

But I forgot that like I'm dealing with people who are in their 20s and that's like the millennials and like people that are younger don't really talk to people. It's not a part of their life. It's a very different world out there. And I forgot about that whole aspect of things. And I don't know. Someone needs to create like an app. like a talking app, an app that forces you to talk? I don't know, because people don't talk anymore just because of the, like, technology and everything. And trust me, I am not saying that I think that

it's like a bad thing, technology and how things have changed. I love change and growth and stuff. But I do think that the younger generation, one of the downfalls that comes out of having all the stuff that they have, which is like good stuff, is the fact that, they can't cope with things because they don't have that, that thing, which is like talking to people, because they don't do it. You know what I mean? So I'm not going to get that into it on my intro because I talked to her about, like, talking and how helpful that is in her life on the podcast.

But I just want to make a note that, like, yeah, duh, like when I was talking to her, I totally forgot that, like, young people don't talk to each other. They text. They do all kinds of things that they don't really talk. So anyway, I don't know why. just said that I made this whole intro so long. But anyway, I'm going to get right back on with Amber. Or I'll be right back on with Amber.

Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.

Hey, Amber. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. You're on with Kathy. How you doing, Amber? Amber, the alcoholic. Or Amber, the previous alcoholic, I don't know. I don't really know much about your story. All I know is that you had wrote in and said that you wanted to be on the show because

you have an alcohol problem. So I don't really know where you're at. your issue? You know, have you quit drinking already? Like, what's your deal with alcoholic? Let's get right into it. Yeah. I mean, I did quit.

I'm still in the process. It's kind of fresh. Only a moment, two months, no. Oh, so you're like too much sober, quote unquote. Yeah. I mean, I've been trying for to get sober for about over a year, but I'm, you know, kept relapsing and now I got about two months. So in that, okay, so let me get a little backstart you.

How old are you? I'm 23. Okay, and when did you start, when did you start drinking? I didn't start drinking at all until I was 18. Okay. It all happened real, real quickly, yeah. And why did you, like, decide that you thought that you had to, like, what happened? Was there something specific or, like, why did you think that you had an issue?

So at such a young age, it's so sort of smart. you know, I mean, if you would have asked me, I quit drinking when I was 34, but if you would ask me at your age, I would have been like, are you crazy? I'm fine. So how did you know that you had a problem with it at such a young age? I guess because, I mean, at first, you know, I was parties and stuff that people my age did, and it was fine, but once I started, like, kind of waking up in the morning and drinking, I'm not going anywhere or drinking, you know, at work, at class, in the car. I thought maybe, you know, and then I actually, the reason I quit initially was because I got a D.E.Y.

And so I thought, oh, it's a good time to take a break for a while. And then, you know, I kind of thought, I don't know. Okay. So literally, from the time you're 18 to the 23, like seriously, like that would be someone's story for like 30 years, right? Like, oh, I was drinking and then eventually I started drinking at work. And then I started to drink, you know, when I woke up. and then in my car and then I got a DUI and you know 20 years later that person realized they have a problem. You were like on a

fast track to a bottom like you did all of that. You did. You went from like zero to a hundred in a very short time. I mean you went from like just drinking casually with your friends to drinking like all the time in your car at work like immediately?

Um, kind of like at first it was better when I wasn't 21 you know like 1920 It was sort of, I mean, the access wasn't as good. So I couldn't keep asking my friends for more because they would have been like, I think he got a problem. So I kind of was better. And then kind of like the second I turned 21, I just kept buying it.

And, you know, I started kind of slowly, like, this is an easy class. I'm going to, like, drink a little or, you know, because I was in school then. Or, like, my job was mindless. So I was kind of like, oh, I'll drink a little on break. No big deal. and then it kind of like got more and more. And like for a while I was sustaining it, like kind of like a functioning,

like I was buzzed all the time, but I was okay. And then it kind of hit a point that like I couldn't reach that buzz anymore. So like I just kept drinking and then I would kind of like fall apart in like unfortunate situations and stuff. But what do you mean? Did anybody know like was this like your secret? Yeah, pretty much.

because I lived in an apartment. I had roommates, but we didn't really, we had different schedules. So I kind of just, like, sat in my room. You know, even at work, I don't think people really knew because they... Right. Where were you drinking at work? Would you, like, go out on your lunchback and drink, or would you go into the bathroom, or did you have a flask with you?

Like, how were you drinking at work? I would go to my car. It was a store, so I could kind of, like, if I were, like, bringing a register, I was kind of freedom roam around or I was getting cards or stuff. But I just always have a water bottle full of something in my car. So I would just keep tipping it. What was your drink of choice? For financial reasons.

And I would just drink gin because you could get a handle of gin, this one crappy kind for $9.99. So I would just buy that handle like all the time. and I would go through a handle in like two days and like how much is in a handle when you say handles that like those big jugs yeah the ones I literally have the handle I don't even oh okay right so that's like a jug and you would go through that in two days yeah like I had like a really weirdly high tolerance because when I uh when I got my DUI I blew in my BAC was like 0.24 is that high for yeah the legal limit is 0.08 okay and you were 24, 2.4. Yeah, so it's like three times the legal limit. But I wasn't like falling or vomiting or anything. How did you get stopped by the cops?

Like were you, do you remember, like were you at a party? Were you by yourself when you were driving? Like, how did that DUI happen? I was by myself. I was leaving a Tinder bee actually. And I just was like parked kind of on the side of the street. And I went to back up out of my spot. whatever and I hit like a yield sign so and like instead of stopping I just kept backing up and it got

stuck under my car so I pulled over it's kind of funny like if you're looking for a sign from like you know maybe Oprah would kind of see read into that like you know if I mean I took it as a sign yeah it's yield so wait so some cop I guess was there like kind of close by watching this go down and he was like, oh, God, because that was a pretty easy D.U. I mean, you weren't even on the road. Right. I didn't even start driving, really. I just backed up.

And like a firefighter, I was right by a fire station. Right. So he called the cops and I was like, okay. So I just stood there and waited for the cops to get there. Oh, my God. You didn't take off. How did you know that the cops were on their way? Did the guy tell you?

Yeah. Oh, because you ran over the thing and you couldn't go anyway, right? Right. So I, like, pulled over. Right. Technically, it was a whole thing because he never saw me driving, but I clearly drove. So I didn't bother to fight it. But, yeah.

How long was your license taken away for? Only for three months. Uh-huh. It was my first offense. And now how did you explain that to people? Well, at that point, yeah, that was rough. I kind of just bummed rides off of people for a while for work and stuff. I mean, my apartment was in a good location to live.

walk a lot of places, but I kind of just was like, played it off like a casual D-O-I. Like I had a beer or two and then happened to get pulled over or something. Right. Like you made it seem like a bad lock, but you weren't really like you still weren't copping to the fact that you had a problem. Even though, let me ask you this, like on some level at that point, did you know that like your drinking was out of control considering you were drinking at work and doing all this stuff?

Yeah. It's sort of like I was. I already realize it sometimes, but kind of like, you know, how you don't ever admit it to yourself. But you know, looking back that on some level, you did, it was registering in you on some, right? Right. It was. And it was kind of like just too, like I couldn't, I didn't like thinking about not drinking. So I was just kind of ignoring it and keeping doing what I was doing.

And then. But what was it? Like, why did you think? I mean, because I was a, I was a hardcore drink or two and I had to quit. but my drinking was different than yours. So like, what was it about like that buzz that you needed at all, like because you needed to have that at all times, right?

Like, what was life without it? Like, why was it so unbearable? Were you bored? Was it painful? Were you, like, like, very uncomfortable in your own skin? Like, what do you think it was about like, you know, being sober that you, that was so painful for you that you needed to check out like 24-7? Yeah.

I pretty think, like, over a year of alcohol counseling trying to figure that out. I think a lot of it is just social anxiety, for sure, because once I discovered alcohol, I was like, wow, this is awesome, you know, like everyone. And, you know, inhibitions are gone, which I enjoyed. And then it was also just, like, depression, I think, to an extent, just sort of like, I was unhappy with the way things were, but like if I was like drunk, I like didn't care. Yeah, totally. It kind of like took away everything.

You make you feel a little bit up. Yeah. And then, and then like, you know how like when you come kind of down like when you're not drunk anymore or like you wake up and then you kind of like feel the downside of it. Which is why I just like never stopped drinking. I was like, oh, I'm feeling down and then I would just drink more. So that's when you started drinking at your house, right? So is that where it started? Like, okay, I'll drink a little bit more when I get up just to take away that bad feeling.

And then you'd be able to drink enough to kind of take away that feeling, but not enough to, like, impair you so that you could walk around and hang out with people. Nobody knew that you were kind of buzzed. Right. That was what I was able to do for, like, a year. So I was just kind of like buzzed and, like, more outgoing. Nobody smelled the alcohol on you? Because gin is kind of strong smiling. I don't know.

Like somebody came to fix my windows the other day, and I totally smelled alcohol on the guy, which I don't really care. But I'm saying, like, it's so strong the smell sometimes. Like, did you just, did anybody, like, ever say, hey, you reek, like, alcohol at, like, you know, 11 o'clock in the morning? Yeah, well, that's just, it's like, I mean, I did all the stuff. Like, I always had gum, so I was always chewing fresh pieces of gum.

But, I mean, I can only do so much. Uh-huh. I would also use a lot of hand sanitize. so I'd be like, oh, you're smelling my hands? I'm like, and then I think it was just so outrageous because I'd be like with a friend in class

like 9 a.m. or like at work at 7 a.m. So people are like, no, right? Like, I'm obviously imagining that because I don't seem like the kind of person that has a drinking problem, whatever that, you know? Yeah, yeah, totally. People probably were just like, no, that's crazy and just kind of like

never really confronted me. Right, even if they thought of, even if they thought it for a second, they would just sort of rationalize it out because like there's no way you were the type that would be drinking. I think I mentioned this on my episode with Alicia, the alcoholic, that there was like this really great 2020, I think it was with Elizabeth Vargas talking about how she was like a hardcore alcoholic. And like when I first saw the episode that it was going to air, I was like, yeah, whatever. Like how is she, you know, because I think she's like the kind of person that you would be like, yes, she's so not the type.

But she was doing it like really majorly. You know what I mean? Like the way you were eventually. It transitioned to, it took a long time for her to get to the place that you were at, but what, you know, but she was out of control and she was doing it at all times and

you know, not the type of person you would think, right? And that's why I think it's interesting to have, you know, people on my show that have problems with alcohol because a lot of times you know, you don't, you think you have a picture in your mind or people think that they have an idea of what an alcoholic quote unquote you know who that person is right but that person comes in all different shapes and sizes and

person out like right so it's and actually people like you the ones that people would never expect it it's almost like it could be worse because nobody expects it so you could get away with it so you could like function a little bit more you know what I mean yeah definitely I mean like I would just sit in my car and dump like like boxes of wine or stuff in the box of wine or stuff in the bottle, just sit there and drink it. And, like, no one, like, it was so pathetic. Like, no one ever knew for the longest time. And you were able to drive.

And so you were able to sort of teeter on that place where you could, like, were you a blackout drink or I'm assuming not, right? No. I mean, I was, well, oddly I was, but, like, only, like, the last six months of my age. Only what? Toward the end of my drinking days, like, the last six months. Uh-huh. I would black out.

Like, there were times I'd go to work and then go home and pass out and wake up and, like, not really remember work, but, like, I knew I went. Yeah, that's really bad. Yeah, and that was kind of when I was, like, people have to know. And then I'd just always be nervous to go back and, I don't know. Yeah, that's a scary feeling, right? I mean, that's when you really start to be afraid of, like, that this is a serious problem. when you start to have those kind of thoughts.

Those are those scary thoughts when you wake up. I know that's what the thoughts that drove me to quit. It's when I started to wake up and be like, it was almost claustrophobic to think that I couldn't remember what happened. And I was a blackout drinker all my life, but there was a difference towards the end with the blacking out. I didn't, I couldn't trust what I was doing, what I was say, you know. And it was, I was, there was consequences to it because I was acting very inappropriately.

And it was like claustrophobic because I had like no control. control over myself, you know? I mean, for you, and you were like walking around, and this was, for me, I was like in a bar scene, but you're, like, walking around in your regular life, like, at work and at school, you know, half cocked out of your mind. So that must have been a really awful feeling waking up and not knowing what the fuck you did the day before or who knew or what they thought, right? Right, yeah.

It was like, it was just, like, terrifying to, like, go back to class or to go back to work. I was always like, I have no idea what happened. Yeah. And I got him surprised I slid by as long as I did. Yeah, because everyone's so self-absorbed. That's what people don't understand. We all think that everyone's, like, so focused on shit that we do, and everyone's just focused on themselves.

You know what I mean? Even if they're focused on you for two seconds, like, you know, even if they noticed you were a blazing drunk, they thought about it for one second, then they went back to thinking about themselves. Like, that's what I always try to remember, because that's really the reality of it. But, you know, you were, like, you were you, right?

And you were focused on yourself, and you knew that you, Like that's like when you have that those scary feelings when you're waking up like what was it that change that you were like oh my god I'm going to go like how did you get it when you say alcohol therapy like did you go into AA? Did you get a therapist? Like what did you do the first time you decided to quit? Because I know that you said you for a whole year you relapse like what was your bottoming out on that when you first quit like what happened that made you quit and then what did you do when you quit? Well, there were two, like I quit Like sort of out of because I had to Because they like took my license away And I don't really look that old So I couldn't drink for a while

And then after my arrest But then I started again And the reason I quit That time Because I was at work And I drank two bottles of socky in my car over like a 20 minute break. And then I'm sorry, but it's like anything you could get your hands on, right?

I mean, because you're just like already like the gin and then you brought up wine and now you're drinking sake. I mean, like it was like obviously whatever kind of alcohol you could get your hands on you're just drinking. That's like the true alcoholic. Right. And the thing with sake is like you can get it at the grocery store, but it's higher alcohol content than wine, which I drank it.

And so like I just like down. that and then I was fine and then all of a sudden like hit me while I was working. Oh my God. That is what Socky does to you. You could drink it for like an hour and then you stand up and you're like

holy shit. This is like I'm wasted. Yeah. So you're like in the middle of work and all of a sudden it hits you. Right. And like I had a couple friends. They were like, holy shit. Like you're not good right now.

And they didn't want me to get in trouble. Uh-huh. But they were like, I was like, unloading a truck of like skids with groceries on them so like one of my really like I can't and so um it ended up being like a whole big scene and I had to be like escorted out of the store and you can fire I didn't I had a really good relationship with my manager but I so he didn't fire me but it was very awkward working there this is a this is a side note but I'm going to make people feel like shit that have got fired by saying this but this is just like a side note thing that I find

but this is like a perfect example of why it's true. Somebody once told me and it's true that firing is always personal. It always is, even if they say it's not. Because people, like if people like you at your job, you could get away with murder and you won't get fired. It's like when you get fired, it's because they didn't fucking like you. And I've been fired. Okay, so I'm not acting like, you know, I'm not putting other people down.

I'm just saying that really is the truth of firing because look at this example. You were, like, wasted at work, right? But they obviously, because they liked you, they kept you on. Like, probably people have been fired from that job that they were fucking assholes or people didn't like them. And they did a lot less of a serious offense, right? Like, and they got fired. But you were, like, wasted at work and they didn't even fire you.

So that just goes to prove that, like, if you ever get fired from a job, it is personal. Don't believe them if they say it's not. That means they really don't like you, right? Yeah, like, they had every right to fire me. Of course. Yeah, but they must have really liked you. So they didn't even fire you, but you felt uncar- You probably were a lot harder on yourself than they were

because they probably all went back to them. They just thought you're young, you know, you're drunk at work, like no big deal, probably, right? That's what I'm thinking they thought. You know, no one thinks like at 23, like I would even dismiss a 23-year-old if they were at work. Like, I don't know that I would think, oh, my God, that person has a problem.

I mean, clearly you did. I would think maybe, I don't know, you know, But I think maybe you blow it off a little bit more when it's somebody in their early 20s because you think, oh, they're just drinking, you know, but. Right. And it was like pretty early in the morning. So they might have, oh, my gosh, probably like went hard last night or something. Yes. You wake up drunk.

I've done that. So yeah, but you really were. And you were like drinking in your car. So nobody really knew the full extent, but you did. So once you're going back to work and you feel so uncomfortable, is that when you decided you need to stop? Um, yeah, and it was kind of the whole thing was like, I don't know, like, it was in the store until like I made a whole scene and there was like customers asking me questions and I was like being an ass trick.

So like all the stuff you want to say to customers, but you can't. I was just like yelling at them. Oh, is this when you were drunk or this is when you quit? Yeah. Okay, this is that same day? Yeah. Okay. And so the whole scene was just like, like once I sobered up, like toward the end of that day,

I was just thinking about it and I was just like wow like I can't keep doing this because I keep like hitting what I think is a rock bottom and then something else happened like I don't know it's like what am I like wait until I run over someone like I needed to I don't know yeah that is scary I mean I moved into the city and it was like it was so I was so happy because I always drove drunk when I didn't live in the city and I felt like it was like a really good thing because I was like either saving my life or a family's life because I like I would drive drunk all the time. So, you know, you knew you were smart enough because you live in a place where you have to drive all the time that you couldn't sustain it.

Right. I could not. I was driving drugs all the time. I'm surprised I didn't get more than one in your life. Right. Yeah, so that was pretty much when I decided. Right. So what did you do?

What was the thing that you did, though? Like, I mean, I know for me, like, I went to an AA meeting because I didn't know how the hell I was going to, like, I didn't, it was like, I didn't know what to do, right? And that's the only thing I knew to do was I went to an AA meeting. Some, I had friends that had gone. What did you do to, as the first step towards getting sober? Yeah, well, I was kind of like I didn't have anyone I knew kind of in the same situation. So I was trying to figure out.

what to do and I called I don't know it was like a statewide hotline like a rehab house thing and they have a bunch they happen to have one of my town so I called them and

I kind of just explained what my deal was and I was wondering what I should do and so they said that like I could do inpatient or outpatient rehab and because my insurance apparently covered it. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, so I did outpatient because I like wasn't, still wasn't all there, so I was like not ready to admit that I needed 28-day intensive. So I did the outpatient and that was pretty much, I was just going to do that. And let me ask you, was that also because you didn't want people to know? Yeah, it's sort of like, yeah. I mean, how are you going to explain that you're going to live someplace for 28 days, right? So, like, on some level was that choice also because you didn't want to, you still weren't prepared to sort of admit to everybody else that you had this problem?

Yeah, I think so. And I mean, I still don't to a lot of people, just because it changes the way people like to you and stuff like that. So this way I could, I mean, and I had to work and stuff. So the way I could, it was. keep functioning. Four nights a week. Right.

And it was, you know, three hours at, you know, night. So it was doable. And that's what I did. It was two months long. And it was probably a good call because through that I was introduced to a lot of other, like, options of what they have. Like, once you finish that program, because I had no idea. And they, like, forced us to go to AA meetings and got me into my counselor. counselor was just like a therapist.

And so when I got out of that, I kind of just started going to AA. But then I, you know, it's hard to get to AA because I don't, like despite this right now, like I don't usually talk about it. So I kind of just go to AA and sit in the back and then leave on. But I find that just going, it helps a little bit, I guess. I'm still struggling because it's so fresh. Yeah, it takes a long time. Yeah.

You know, listen, I went for a while. I never spoke when I went, like ever. It's just not my thing. I had a fear of like speaking in front of people. Like you would think not. I wouldn't have that because I like to talk so much, but it's not my scene to do that. So I, but I would just go and I would listen.

And I went for like a good six months. And I listened, it was great that it was available for me for that six months. But it was like too much what they expected. I couldn't sort of commit to, uh, what they were asking me to commit to. And so I sort of chose like an alternative route.

And I was very successful. I mean, I've been sober for I think 14 years now. And it totally worked for me. I though what I did when I stopped going to AA, and even after I stopped going, I would go maybe a couple times a year here and there, you know, for a little while, but never the way that I was supposed to.

is I was like doing hardcore therapy. Like I would go to a therapist because I have to say like what I always explained to people about addicts, especially people that are with addicts, that like when you take the drug away or the drink away or whatever it is that they're addicted to away, like that's not the problem. That was just the thing that was masking the problem. Like, you know, once you take that away, that's when all the problems come up. So some people that are like dating an addict or married to an addict, they think, oh,

that person's got to stop. doing coke or drinking or fucking people and they think that all the problems are going to solve once that person stops doing that. But no, that's when your problems are going to start with that person because then everything's going to come up and you're going to see what the real issues are and why that person was sort of checking out to begin with, right? So that's when the really hard work comes. It's one thing, like the thing about quitting the drinking, that's just like the mechanical aspect of it, right? But like all the other stuff is the hard stuff, which is like, what's going to come up for you when you really, when you put down that alcohol and you're

forced to stay like in reality 24-7? I know for me, and this is very common with all people that quit drinking, it was like, I was just exhausted for like the first six months to a year, just physically exhausted. Like I could sleep all day because I was not used to living in reality on volume 10 at 24 hours, seven days a week. Do you know what I mean? Like that was hard, hard. So I was so tired. And that's like a weird thing that you only understand if you've ever quit.

And that's what other people are the same way too, because what you don't realize is that you were checking out so much you weren't really fully present. And when you're fully present in life, it's like exhausting at first until you get used to it. And then you're fine, you know? But like, I was like so exhausted, you know. And then AA people wanted me to come to AA like every day. And like, I was like, oh my God. Like I just want to sleep, you know. But it took a long time for a lot of the stuff to come out. And then it took a long, long time of being totally sober for me to really feel my feet sort of get on the ground and get some stability in my life. So there's a, it's a very long process. And quitting the, the actual drinking or whatever it is is like the easiest part of it because it's kind of like black and white right like you just don't drink I mean it's hard right but the reason why it's it becomes harder is

because like whenever you're sort of get to the place where you're going to be faced with the reasons why you drink to begin with that's when the true test comes it's like do you drink when you're insecure well then when you feel insecure are you going to be able to like resist that urge do you drink when you feel like you know anxious about something you know it's like whatever you what has been coming up for you in the three months that you've been not drinking? It's definitely exhausting. And I work, you know, eight-hour days and I find all I want to do when I have time off is sleep. And what I found also is kind of like every, like, it's always like crossing my mind when I just want to like not think about it and do my work.

And I'm always thinking about like drinking or how like, it would be great if I could like go home and dress like it's still right there. Yeah. And that's like they, they call it stinking thinking. Like there's a lot of like these terms in A.A. that are kind of good because they're true. But like stinking thinking like what you like are like start to really have those thoughts.

Like oh, I wish I could go home. If you allow for those thoughts in your brain like you eventually will do that. You know? And like it's like it's really good to try to like stop those thoughts dead in their track. You know what I mean? Like, just don't let yourself sort of fantasize or go to that place. Because the more you allow yourself to do that, the more you're going to wind up probably drinking again. Exactly. It's kind of like a ticking clock. And like, same as the ones you start kind of rationalizing stuff. Like sometimes I'll find, you know, I'll be thinking like, well, I won't drink for like the next

year. And then I'll see where I am. And I just keep and I start to go like just thought. Well, because you try to think of every other way. You try to think of every other solution than the one that really is the only solution, which is you just can't fucking drink, right? Right. Yeah. At all. Because for you, when you drink, it becomes an everyday, you took it to a level that is hardcore.

Like, you definitely 100% have a problem for sure. Yeah. You know, Alicia the alcoholic, I didn't really know. She was so young. And she, I don't know. know, but with you, because of like, you were drinking at home, you're drinking at work, you got a deed, like, you really are somebody who should not drink. And you really need to get like your stuff together and be sober so that you could like,

because you're still so young that you could like sort of tend to that damage part of yourself and fix yourself and heal yourself so that, you know, you could live, you know, the rest of your life. not just sober, but like, you know, healthy. Because if you continue to drink like you do, like your life's going to go to shit. I mean, I don't know how, listen, some people are very functioning, you know, and how much you will be able to function doing it. And, you know, some people could live a double life and be a blazing alcoholic for 20 years and still get married and have kids and to be successful and all that stuff.

But like, you're pretty, like, not that successful. Not that you're not highly functioning because you guys. got a D-D-Y, you got busted at work. Do you know what I mean? Like, you're not like getting away with anything, okay? Yeah. So it was like to like I, it's sort of like every time I have relapse, like I'll just drink a little. Like I literally, like I can't stop.

Like everyone says like they can't stop with this coming. I'll just drink everything until I'm like unconscious. It's like. Yeah. Of course. I know. I was at the bar like four o'clock in the morning and I would be drinking other people's drinks that were left over.

Like, and I couldn't stop. Like, I would drink to the end. I always thought people who could drink one or two drinks when I went out with them were boring. I didn't realize that that was, like, normal. You know what I mean? I was like, what's the point? That's exactly.

I literally was just going to say that, like, what's the point, you know? And so when people say to me, Kathy, why don't you drink? I'm like, because, like, for me, drinking was about, like, getting drunk. It wasn't about, like, sort of savoring a glass of wine with some great pasta or, or, like, you know, this is like, or whatever. all these other things that it was for other people. I didn't really like alcohol or the taste of it. It was more that I just needed to fucking check out and I love to be high.

I love that feeling, you know? Right. So what's the point? If I don't, if I'm not going to be getting completely wasted, to me it was like there was no point, you know? Exactly. So for you, you can't, but like you need, what are you doing right now to keep yourself from drinking again?

What do you do? Yeah, I mean, like, it's been hard. Like, I go to AA, but only, like, twice a week because, you know. Okay. And I have one hour a week of one-on-one counseling. Okay. So that's, well, like three hours a week spent. So what I've been doing a lot is kind of, like, putting myself in, like, a protected

bubble because, like, I don't want to have any anxiety, like, socially or anything like that because that is a trigger because that's when I'm. drink. So, and I don't want a lot of time to be, like, let my mind wander. So I'll just, I'll, like, binge watch a bunch of weird movies and stuff, just so I'm not thinking about anything or, like, stressing myself out. So I'm kind of, like, dreading the point when I'm trying to, like, get my life back and actually, like, be a person again.

But, like, for now, I'm just like... But, you don't have to dread that, because, listen, there's a time, like, you're doing the right. I think that that's really smart. Like, I didn't go to any bars. barely went out for the first year and I was fine not to go out. I was a lot older than you and I was like done with the rat race and it was like kind of like relaxing to just like not be a part of that whole scene anymore you know and be because everything my whole life was about like getting ready to go out going out talking about what happened the night before talking about what's going to happen like

you know everything it was like exhausting so it was like kind of like relaxing but I took that whole year kind of off and I didn't go like you know I didn't go into bars I didn't do anything I really stayed away and like for to like quote unquote triggers you know so that I wouldn't be triggered and I didn't trust myself in the beginning and that's always smart to be that way like that's okay to be that way and I think that's smart you know because you don't know what's going to trigger yourself and you're more susceptible in the beginning than you are like a year later you know what I mean and then you could gauge yourself but in the beginning you should stay away from all that stuff and you don't have to dread when you're going to finally go back out there because you'll do that

slowly and you'll do that when you're ready. And like if you're, the longer you stay not drinking, the more you'll trust yourself and feel solid in who you are and be kind of okay. And you take those kind of steps into like the real world without alcohol, you know, one by one. You know what I mean? You won't just jump out and do everything. It's not going to happen that way. You know, it'll happen over time and you have to be okay with that and not hard on yourself about that, you know? Yeah, yeah. Because that's the way that it goes. And I mean, do you have any friends that you could talk to?

Like, I really believe that because like what happens when you quit drinking or you and you become a sober person? You have no way of like getting, releasing things from yourself, right? Like, and so like for me, for the past 14 years, everything I've had to go through. I've had to go through without anything, without any vices, without checking out. So for me, the only thing I do and the only thing I have is to like talk about my stuff when it's really bothering me. And it's very therapeutic.

Like that, you know, and so I would call up my friends and just like fucking talk my stuff out because that's what you have to do. You can't sit and internalize it. The worst thing for somebody like you to do is to like isolate and not be around people. Like you, even if it's one person that you could find. And I think maybe that's like what sponsorship is all about. And I never had a sponsor. It didn't work for me. But like if you get a sponsor or have a friend and even if it's like somebody that you could confide in and that person could be the person that you just like.

you know, sort of dump your shit on because you're going to need a different outlet. And your only outlet is going to be talking about your stuff and releasing it. Because if you keep internalizing it and you keep the stuff to yourself, you'll wind of drinking again because you won't be able to deal. You know, yeah, that's my worry because I'm, I've always internalized stuff, you know. So you've always been kind of wet. I just always internalize everything. Yeah, that's why you're drinking at work and in the closet and, you know.

Right. You know, seriously. I still haven't told, like, I've kind of just been avoiding a lot of my friends because they're drinking and I don't, I'm like not ready to share this part of me. But my close friends kind of like I've told, but they don't live around here. So I'm kind of like, you know. Yeah, but can you call those people? Do you talk to them a lot?

Like those really good friends that actually know, are they supportive? they are and they always say like you know I'm here to talk if you need to and I'm always like oh I definitely yeah I know I just never do I say I can need something because yeah and it's not even about like calling them up when you're crying like you know it's just about like if something is like it's like what you have to learn is how to like deal with your feelings the bad ones when they come up and and and figure out how to deal with them on your own right and and and and and eventually like you'll be fine. But like nobody could deal with problems by internalizing them and keeping, like, everybody has support. Everybody, you know, sort of has like help. Like there's nothing wrong with that,

right? You know, and maybe your problem why you always drank is because you have been, you know, putting unrealistic expectations on yourself to sort of do everything alone, you know, and handle everything alone by yourself. And that's nobody does that. Everybody needs help at different times. You know, that's what like sort of relationships are about and family or friends, lovers, you know, whatever. And that's what people are there for. And that's what you really need more than anything. And like I said, it's not just when you feel that you're worse.

Or even when you're just feeling like socially anxious, say you're going someplace and you feel you're getting a little freaked out about it. That's when you call someone and be like, oh my God. And you're just so honest about your stuff and nobody's ever going to judge you. And you say, I'm getting nervous because blah, blah, blah. And you just talk it out with somebody. That will make you feel a lot better. And that's what you just have to start to do.

And once you start talking about your stuff and you're more honest with all these insecurities that come up for yourself, and you're going to realize that it's not that weird and people don't think that you're such a loser. It's not that like because I think we hold a lot of that stuff inside of ourselves because we think we're the only one and we think something's wrong with us and we're so shameful about it. And there's really nothing that's that bad about it. And you will realize that other people feel the same way and it's very common and it's not

that big of a deal. You know, and people aren't going to judge you. the way you've been judging yourself about it, you know? So if you put your insecurities out there and talk about them to people and allow them to sort of help you through it, it will be a big help for you, you know, because all you've had is alcohol. That's been your crutch because you keep everything to yourself, you know. Now that you don't have alcohol, the best way never to go back to it is to find something

to take its place and what you need is just like, you know, people to talk to about your stuff, about these little things that come up that you have no way of dealing with. But yet you're embarrassed to let people know, right? That's really

what it's about. Yeah. Yeah. The longer I keep it all in, it gets worse. And then I just kind of... Oh my God. I don't know. I think the best thing to do, like no matter what you do, the when you feel the most embarrassed, When you feel the most humiliated, when you feel the most scared, when you feel the most everything, the best thing to do is to say it out loud to somebody.

It immediately makes you feel better. It really does. What makes you feel worse is when you keep it in and you keep it to yourself. It's just awful. Just doing that is just reaffirming to yourself that there's something wrong with how you're feeling. And there is nothing wrong with feeling embarrassed or humiliated or nervous or nervous or. afraid or any of those things. Everybody feels those things, but everyone feels so like self-conscious about it. You know what I mean? And they think that people are going to judge you. And what I have found

in my life being sober for so long and having to put myself out there is that people like will feel more comfortable around you and they'll feel more comfortable to share their stuff with you. And you'll realize that people have a lot of the same things you have too. Because once you open up about it, other people will. Like, nobody will judge you the way you think. Like, your biggest fear of people sort of, like, you putting that out there and how people will react, it will never, it's, it's not, that won't happen. Like, you'll probably be surprised at how, uh, helpful people are and how they won't

look at it. And you'll realize that you were the one that was making it worse than anybody else. Do you know what I mean? Right. Yeah. It's like, well, your own, you know, your own worst critics thing. Yeah, you're, right. And you're like, you're carrying everything by your, on your own and you just can't do that. Nobody does. Okay? That's nobody does. That's not strength.

The strength is like admitting your, your stuff and, and seeking help when you know that you need it. And that's fine. That's what, like I said, friends are for. All those friends at home that really know and that tell you, like, call me if you need you, they would love to be there for you. And that's fine. And if somebody acts like weird when you put something out there, don't call them again. Find somebody else. Like, trust me. Listen to my podcast. Everybody has a lot of shit going on. Like nobody, you know what I mean? Like nobody, like the stuff that you have, social anxiety, all this. Like it's very common stuff. I have to tell you. It really is. I had panic attacks, anxiety attacks. Like I understand all that. I realized I drank a lot more when I was feeling

insecure. Like if the guy I was dating was like looking at another girl, I would like do a shot. You know, it's like all these little things that I realize, was like, oh my God, I'm like a, like a weakling, you know. Right. I had like no strength in me yet. People thought I was so strong, you know. And I had to like, and that's what's so horrifying about hitting your bottom because you sort of see that part of yourself when maybe you've been like living this lie of being a strong person really together. And then you sort of come to terms with the fact of, oh my God, I don't have like, there's no strength. You know what I mean?

Like I haven't learned any of that stuff. I have nothing. I'm so vulnerable and quote unquote weak and like the opposite of every thing that I've been acting, you know, and where do you start with that, you know, and you start from the bottom. But I have to say, the only way you'll ever get real strength is by remaining sober and learning how to be okay with all of those sort of feelings. I still, to this day, will be somebody that will be faithful.

with getting a panic attack, getting an anxiety attack, maybe. There's a lot of things that will still be in my life. I will still be afraid of getting in an elevator, but I live in New York and I get in elevators all the time. And I just fucking do it. Do you know what I mean? Like you will still maybe have those things, but you have to learn how to be okay with them and face them.

And when you become that person that could do that, you will feel, that's real strength. And that's when your feet will get on the ground and you will feel like a solid person and you will trust yourself and you'll be able to go to bars and you'll be able to be around people that drink and you'll be completely fine and you're probably someone that maybe will never drink again and who cares you know i don't ever plan on drinking again there's a life outside of that you know it's like listen we're all dealt a deck a hand of cards you know and you just have to be realistic with what you have some people could drink a many of most of my friends could drink and

they're fine i can't and that's just the way that is but you know what i could eat a lot and i don't get fat. And other of my friends that can drink, they can't. Like we all have positive and negatives, you know, and you just have to be realistic about your shit, you know? And if you're sitting around wishing that you weren't that way, well, then you're wasting your time because that's just who you are. That's how you're wired. So drinking is just not an option for you. That's how you have to look at it. And you have to look at it. If you really want to be that strong person that you've been projecting to everybody else, you have to go about getting real strength. And real strength is going to be facing all those things, all those moments where you feel really insecure and everything and being

okay. You have to remember, and this is what I didn't realize and what I learned being sober, is that feelings are nothing to be afraid of. Like there were times in my early sobriety that I felt so uncomfortable inside of myself. I felt like, like I felt like in a straight jacket like a crazy person, you know. And when I would get in those moments, I would make sure I didn't leave my house and I would stay in all day for two days, however long it was, until that passed, because I didn't want to sabotage or do anything crazy. You know what I mean? And once I started to see and realize that those times came and when, and some days I would

feel like really depressed for no reason and the next day I'd wake up and feel different, once you start to realize that these feelings come and go and nothing stays the same, not your happiness, not your fear, nothing. you start to realize like it's okay and then it doesn't become you're not so fatalistic like you don't feel scared and thinking like that's forever and you have to get rid of it you start to realize okay I'm afraid right now or I feel insecure right now but you know what two hours from now or two weeks from now or tomorrow I won't feel that way so it's not that big of a deal and you stop being so afraid of feelings because that's really what every addict is is a person that's just like

doesn't like to feel things because on some level you think those feelings are the end-all be-all and they're not and when you're fully done like for me I'm sober 14 years I'm totally fine like I could have a zillion feelings and I just let them go I feel them I I could detach from them and know that it's not that big of a deal and it's going to pass it's not you know what I mean but what you do because I know because I used to do it is it becomes like you're everything you think like I'm depressed and I'm going to be depressed forever and this is forever you know and it's not and so what you need to do and your sobriety is start to see that, you know, when you sit through a feeling and you're okay with it, that you don't

get overcome by it. You don't die from it. You know, it doesn't last forever. And you're fine. It's just a feeling. And that's what you have to tell yourself. It's no big deal. Whether you're freed, insecure, feel tolerable about yourself. Like, it's just a feeling and it will pass. And that's the truth. And you just have to be sober for a long time to really realize that. So you have to, you know, you have to, you, it's like practicing. Like, I really believe that when you become sober, you go back to whatever age it was emotionally that you like, you know, sort of picked up whatever it was that you were checking out from. So I don't, you know, so it's like learning everything all over again, you know? So you have to learn how to deal with all that

stuff. Yeah. Because it was sort of just like, it is like learning because it's like going from when I woke up, so when I went, just, anytime I was awake, I was drunk. So, yeah.

Everything is, like, new and like, I, everything I feel seems like crazy. Uh-huh. And there's like, and I always escaped everything.

Even if it was good, I feel like I just, I was just so good at being numb and I was like, okay with that. Right, because maybe even feeling good, like everything is very intensified for you. I don't know about you,

but I think a lot of addicts are the type of people where everything is very, like, sort of intense, right? and maybe it almost feels like too much so you have to check out. But, you know, so maybe even like when you felt good, it was like sort of overwhelming. And then you had to like take that down a notch too because you just couldn't deal. Right.

I think, yeah. And then like kind of get stuck in like, if I'm trying to like confront everything, you know, feel how I feel, should I, you know, I don't know if I should dwell too much on anything that happened that I'm like ashamed of. from those days or should I just like? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. Like write it out. I was a, you know, people don't write and I don't even write now.

Now that there's the fucking internet and all the stuff, I don't write anymore. So I don't know if you'll be able to because I can't even do it. I was a journal person. I wrote in a journal. So when I felt crazy about something or whatever, I would just write and I would write my stuff out. And like the more I wrote, like I would come to, like, I would like figure stuff out. I would feel so good after I wrote.

So like I don't, you know, and like if you told me to do that now, I wouldn't know how to do it because like I said, the internet and everything, like nobody writes anymore. But like when you feel that way, like you have to do something to it. I feel like I'm losing track. Like what did you just say? It's about like, yeah, because say I'm going to cut this out. What did you just say before?

Why did I lose track? Well, I was just saying like in terms of like how to deal with. everything that I feel now. Like should I like, because there's obviously stuff that happened in the, in the past few years before like me drinking. Oh, the shameful. Yeah. Like if I were you, I would

write it out. I would face it and face it until it just didn't matter anymore. Like I said, sweeping things under the table or pretending like it didn't exist only makes it more shameful. Do you know what I mean? Like to really but I don't know.

Like I mean, you You have to like, that's where therapy will be really good. You have a therapist, right? I do. Yeah, I think you should take those moments and those times and those things that you feel really horrible about and you should talk them out in therapy because, you know, sometimes we do things when we're drinking that aren't really us. And like you have to forgive yourself for things like that.

And you have to know that you did that because you were drinking. That's not who you are, right? And you don't have to define yourself. of that. Some things maybe it's good to face because you could realize maybe it wasn't that bad and you could forgive yourself and go on. I don't know because I don't know the specifics and like, you know, but I really think that you should take those things into therapy. I do know in AA, they have those steps, which I never did. But my friends who were big into AA would always say, Kathy, the reason why you don't need to go to AA and you're so successful is because you kind of are

like doing AA stuff on your own, right? Like I would write in my journal. I would talk to people. Like I did all the things that I think that they tell you in AA. I also read a lot of the AA books. Like there's a lot of really good books out there that I think will really help you. And I think a lot, the other thing about those AA meetings where you sit in the back, it's really good to hear other people's stories because it makes you not feel as bad about the things that you're ashamed of. Like, I mean, for me, I slept around a lot, so I had a lot of that kind of stuff. Yeah. And I know for me, it was listening to other women and AA talk about their stuff that it made me realize.

And then I have to say, the longer that you're sober and the more you don't drink and you don't check out, the more you're going to figure out who you really are. and it's going to be someone completely different than the person that you were when you were drinking. Do you know what I mean? Like I realized I was like the opposite of who I was when I was drinking. For some reason I was going out there and I was putting myself out there as this person

that was completely not me. And it was to hide who I really was. And once I stayed sober for long enough and could be really who I was, I wasn't any of those things, you know. So I think that you have to, you know, figure out who you are without the alcohol. And then once you do, probably those things that you feel really uncomfortable about, you'll realize that wasn't really a part of who you were.

It was because you were drinking and it was just mistakes that you made and you'd be able to get over it. But for now, I think maybe, you know, getting a sponsor an A that could talk through those things with you or like a therapist that could talk through those things with you, I think maybe they could help because I think what your go-to thing is always to just like either live in denial, check out or sweep it under the table or internalize. And I think, you know, doing that in any way for you is not good because that's like the worst thing. You know, that's what you do. That's how you deal. And that's not a good coping mechanism. It doesn't work, obviously. Right. Right. Yeah. So I just, I just kind of find different ways to distract my

self that aren't alcohol. It's really not, I mean, it's helpful to keep me from drinking, but it's not helping the actual problem. No, it's not. It's keeping you, like I said, that's like a smart thing to do, but you still have to think of other solutions for the bigger problems, right? Which are, you're isolating, you're keeping everything inside, you're being, you know, afraid to really be who you are around other people. You have to start doing things like that. So it's a matter of like making yourself feel uncomfortable, you know, but anything's going to be better than going back to drinking because like I said, you're not really successful at drinking. And that's, and I just so you know, like you should consider yourself lucky because like if you could

get away with it, you'd still be doing it and you might do it longer. And even if you're relapse, you'll probably wind up like, I don't know, you're just like, you went from zero to really quickly. And you got like pretty busted and you had pretty bad things happen really fast too. And in a way I think that you're lucky because it forced a bottom on you and it forced you to face things about yourself. I think that people that are highly functioning and could get away with it for a long time are actually fair worse because they don't have a reason to quit, you know? So in a weird way you're lucky. It's just it's just hard getting through

those first couple of years. And it takes a long time. In one year, you're going to be like, oh, my God, I'm so different. In two years, in three, in ten years, you're going to be like, oh, my God, I'm so much. But every year you do feel better. And I always said to people, like, quitting drinking to me made such a change in my life. It was like going from living in a room that was pitch black to someone turned on the lights. Like, it really is that drastic of a change. Nothing changed me more completely than that.

It was the best thing. It is the best thing that you could do for yourself. but it takes time. It really does. Yeah. Like, I love it, but it's just like the hardest thing that I've ever done. It's really, really hard. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah. But it will be, it's like working out. Like, it's like, yeah, it's really hard. But like it does benefit you. Like, your body looks better and you feel better. Like, this is not for nothing. You will actually see results. They'll be subtle.

Sometimes it'll just be a wave of a feeling that you never felt before. I remember the first time I started to, feel like I really like liked myself. Like I remember being out with somebody or and I said to somebody like why do I like people more? You know, he's like because you like yourself more. You're not, you're not looking at other people anymore to sort of not pay attention to yourself because you're focused on yourself. I forget what it was, but it was very profound. So you'll have like these weird moments where you realize that there's changes that are happening. And then over time, you'll look back and you'll feel stronger and stronger and more solid, you know.

And you'll think you feel so solid at two years. And then, you know, six years out, you'd be like, oh, my God. Like, I'm even better than that. And it just gets better and better. But you need, you know, you need for that time to go to happen. And you need to remain completely sober. And you need to do whatever it is to find strength and yourself real strength. And that is arming yourself with like, you know, whether it's one person or two people

that you could talk to, some good AA meanings, some good therapy and some good books that you could read about people. Like, you know, so you're still not totally distracting yourself, but reading about other people's lives that really helped. Like, there was a lot of quitting, drinking books that were really good.

You know, read up on that stuff. And take some time off from regular life so that you won't be triggered. But next time you're feeling like you're going to be triggered and you have that weirdo fantasy about alcohol, call up one of your, friends and talk about how you're feeling like seriously yeah and see how that goes for you just try it out it doesn't have to be like I'm doing this forever just try it out you know you have to start

trying other things because like I said alcohol can't be an option so what is your other options you know you're going to need something because isolating doing things on your own will never work it just won't no no like I said nobody does that nobody's totally alone it's just that's not real strength. Real strength is being able to be who you are in front of other people revealing your insecurities and knowing that other people will totally accept you. Yep. Like for real. Um, yeah. What were you going to say? No, I was just going to say like it's just so like it's, it's, it's just crazy how different your perspective is after you quit and like of myself and of everyone out so just kind of like

I just have to you know instead of keeping it inside like I think just getting it out there because I know if I don't like I know I'm going to end up back there so I'm just oh you will

I'm like in a limbo of like trying to figure out what to do next because I'm still like you know I'm motivated but you have to be more honest you have to really be more honest about it you have to be more open about it you have to be

more honest with yourself and people around you. You have to, like I said, seek support because you will go back to drinking. When you start saying that you have these fantasies and everything, like it's just not good. Like that's like a recipe for disaster. And you know, you've gone three months already. Like if you went back then, you'd have to start all over again. Like just to keep at it. Like you will be rewarded. It just will be really hard. It is really hard. But it's equally as rewarded. I remember there was like this really great Metallica, um, documentary. They were filming, uh, them in the studio for this documentary. I forget the name of it, but I love documentaries. And Metallica was great. I grew up with them. And they, um, the lead singer got sober

through this documentary. It wound up really being interesting that this happened while they were filming. And I remember him saying like, you know, when he got sober, it was like going from like living life at volume three to volume 10. And it, that is really true. Like, being sober is great. Like, I swear to you, it really is. Like, it really is different. And it really does make life better after a while, you know, so you just, but you just have to keep up with it to to really, you know, get those rewards. And your life, you will get more in your life through being sober than you ever will by being a drunk. Like, you will lose out on a lot of things in your life if you continue drinking.

If you stay like sober now at your young age, your whole life, you'll be a lot more successful. Like for real, but if you waste the next 10 years of your drinking, you're just going to be that behind. I didn't become, I was like emotionally 15 at 34,

because that's when I stopped drinking, you know? It took me so long. Because it takes a long time to get your feet on the ground. Like it took me a long time to be able to have a baby and all the things that I have now,

it took so long because I had, been drinking and checking out and just like not really dealing with my life until I was 34. You're doing it now at 23. So the sooner you fucking face that shit, the more you're going to be able to have a full life and have all the things that you deserve in your life. But you won't have those things if you're drinking the way that you do. You will not. Right.

So you have to quit. I mean, you have to stay quick. I mean, you quit, but you have to stay. Yeah. You know? And you have to find those people, like I said. maybe you need to get a sponsor at AA and start trying to, you know, have like your friends help you. Like I said, when you're just having your moments, you're just going to talk it out because that's all

you have now is just to talk. And that's all I have. And that has gotten me through everything in the last 14 years. In the last 14 years, I've been through a lot of shit. Like all the shit that you go through in life that most people would have like drank or smoke weed or not been able to deal with. I have dealt with every single thing completely sober and fine. and because what I do is I call people up and I talk to them and I make them listen to me until I could get a grip and move on and that's just the way that it goes and I think that that's healthy

yep and it will help you you do everybody has it there's nothing wrong with that that's going to be your outlet you know um so that's that's your deal so if I were you I'd go uh make sure you continue to go to AA until you have like some other thing that is working for you I think that that helps and keep going to therapy. And if you could go more than once, you know, do it. And start, you know, getting into some of that stuff with your therapy. I mean, I don't know how deep you go in therapy, but all that shameful stuff that you feel horrified about, like, you know, talk about that. Yeah. Seriously. Got to get it out. You have to. Yeah. And then be more honest with people. Start letting people know your deal. Yeah. For real. Who cares what they think. Ten years from now, half of them will have the same problem. They'll be losers and you'll be fine. Probably true. You know what I mean? Don't worry about it. Just be honest. And keep me posted. I want to know if in three months you're still sober. Six months mark. It's three months now, right? Yeah. Okay. Alicia, I was thinking of calling you Alicia because I've had like the other girl. She was similar too. She was young too. I wonder if you guys lived in the same place. You guys.

could have been friends. I think it's hard when you're young. You quit drinking, you know? I know. Yeah. Yeah, that's why A is good. Maybe you can meet some friends that are like around your age that, you know, are the same. I don't know.

I always found A.A. people to be a little bit, I don't know. Pussy. What? A lot of times they're pussy. They want you to do all this stuff and you're just kind of like. Well, I just found it to be like, I don't know. I didn't. I found it to be like the blind leading the blind.

I felt like my friends that didn't have any problems or problems of alcohol were much more helpful to me because they were like more of an example of who I wanted to be like and they were like, I don't know, but that's like very judgmental for me to say, wherever you're going to find those solid people to help you, that's what you, you just need some, you know, people to help you that are solid and then you need people that are around you that you could look at and they can understand you. You know, you need that whole community of people around you that or support system. And a good therapist.

So, you know, and, and your willpower. It's not fucking drink. Right. It's not an option, Amber. Not anymore. No. Okay.

Okay. Okay. I hope I was helpful. I don't know. I love talking to, especially women that quit drinking because I was like, this is something that I did and I was successful and I totally know what you're going through. And I'm so glad I'm not you and have to go and do it, but like, because it is really hard, but you're already three months into it.

Like, seriously, that's good. Just keep moving forward and you're going to be good. And it's all going to pay off and you're just going to be, it's really the best thing you've ever done for yourself. It's really good. Trust me. Yeah. Okay.

It's going to be worth it. It is. I swear to you, it is. That's one thing I could say for sure. Drinking is not good for you. It will lead to just more trouble. Like, you'll eventually going to have to quit drinking. eventually. So whether you do it now, 10 years from now, you know, and it's going to be a lot worse if you're having to do it when you're 40, okay, than when you're 23. You don't have the consequences that you're good, that you could have when you're older, you know, you have a lot more to lose when you're older than you do right now. So, you know, you didn't even lose your job. You barely got a DWI. Like, this is the, you know, this is not so bad. But it would, your consequences would be a lot worse next time. So if I,

were you, I take this out and stick with it so you don't have to face another bottom because some people's bottoms are a lot harsher. Oh yeah, no doubt. Yeah. I'm lucky. Yeah, you're lucky. Why prolong the misery. Yeah, exactly.

So, you know, stay quit and keep me posted and good luck. Thank you. Well, do. All right. Thanks for calling in. I'll change your voice. Okay. All right.

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