Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 176 - Is Julie an Alcoholic?

Episode Date: May 1, 2017

Julie wrote in to the show because she heard episode #161, Amber is a Total Drunk and wanted to chime in about her alcohol usage. Is Julie an alcoholic too? She's not really sure but she talks all about how much she drinks, where, when and why she drinks, the trouble she's gotten into while drinking, how she acts out sexually when she's drunk and a whole lot more. Tune in for all the details and decide for yourself whether Julie is an alcoholic too. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on together. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your grease black fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy K. and Tommy. Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast to Kathy.

You want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Twitter, follow the show. It's strict anonymous. Follow me, a cartoon therapy. If you haven't subscribed to my show, subscribe to my show, you could, I'm on a network now on ryecast.com, which is a fucking awesome network with like a lot of other really great podcasts. You could go to writecast.com backslash anonymous and subscribe to my show there. Or you could do it on iTunes or wherever you listen to my podcast and write a review. If I write a review on iTunes, I need reviews. I love reviews.

Good reviews, though. I think I just got a bad review. And some guys said I cut people off a lot. You know, what could I say? I think I do it. The funniest thing about that fucking comment is like I used to do it a lot more. Like I think I barely do it at all now. So sorry, but I.

I don't know that I'm going to be able to improve anymore. I've improved a lot. What else? If you want to be on my show, I'm always looking for people to call in. I really would love to have more women on my show. People write in all the time. Guys always are really interested in hearing women talk about all the sex that they've had. So if you're a girl, a female, and you're out there and you're listening to my show

and you do like interesting, crazy, out of the box. or sexual things, you know, right in, I'd love to have you on my show. People are like dying for those episodes. I don't get as many women as I do men, just the way that it goes. But I know that there's women out there that are, you know, doing interesting things. And I'd love to have you on my show. When you call in, you're totally anonymous. Like, I don't even know the people that call into my show.

I don't ask them their real names. I don't want their numbers. I don't ask them any information about themselves. They literally call in once. And that's a done deal. So it's pretty safe to call in and talk about your shit. because everyone remains anonymous. So,

some email at Shikli Anonymous podcast.gimil.com. Today I have on a girl, but I don't think this is like the podcast that, or the type of episode that guys are saying when they want women on. This is a girl, I mean, even though she does actually act out sexually, this is all about a girl who drinks a lot.

And I can't say that she's an addict. I mean, I do kind of say that on the podcast, but like, you know, it's not like she's claiming to totally have a problem. It's not like she's ready to quit drinking. It's not like she's at any sort of place in her life where she has a definite answer to things. She's young, you know. But she wanted to call in and she wanted to just like talk about her drinking.

And to me it was obvious that she does have a problem with drinking. You decide for yourself when you listen to the stuff that she does when she drinks. She's pretty much a little bit of a train wreck. And I taped this episode a long time ago. And I waited a really long time to air it because I wanted to give her time because I don't know. I felt like a little weird after the call because I felt like, you know, sort of showing someone the mirror before they're ready is sometimes like maybe a little much. And I felt like how honest I was with her about how I felt was maybe a little much. do believe that what I said was true. And I think you'll probably agree with me when you hear everything.

So I'm hoping that the time in the time that she's had to like sort of forget about what we talked about, she'll come back and listen to this episode. And maybe, I don't know, maybe she's in a different place and things that I say will ring more true to her or maybe make the light bulb go off for her because this is somebody that I really think should probably quit drinking and that would be really good for her. But like I said, you listen and decide for yourself. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she doesn't have a problem. She doesn't really cop to it either way. But anyway, I don't know. You have to listen to the whole thing. It's really interesting. Her name is Julie or Jamie or something with a Jay. And I'm going to be right back on with her. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation

you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to your freak flag fly and be on the show well strictly anonymous wants to hear from you send us an email strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name and remember everything is strictly anonymous. Hi Julie welcome to a strictly anonymous podcast here on with kathy how are you? I'm good thank you how are you? I'm good so um you emailed this. You emailed me, Julie, right? Because you had listened, you're a listener of the show, right? And you listened to an episode, Amber is a total drunk. I have two girls on recently, actually. And they were both like really young girls, like in the early 20s who were, you know, AA people, like people are trying to

quit drinking. Like they were, you know, drunks that quit drinking. But at a very early age, I mean, everybody that listens to my show knows I'm sober for a very long time. But I didn't quit until I was in my 30s. But this is like, I don't know. Maybe it's like a trend or something because you sent me an email after listening to that. And you were like, hey, I'm like a young girl just like, I'm assuming, because you said a millennial. You know, you use that word millennial. Like, and, you know, I have an issue with drinking too after you listen. And you felt like you could maybe give some insight or, you know, talk on the subject again.

Because maybe this is a common thing, again, amongst people your age. I don't know. I mean, what's the deal with you? Well, I think it. Yeah. I think it is becoming. an issue and just maybe not enough people are talking about it because there's sort of that fine line between, oh, I'm in college and having a great time to, I actually have a drinking problem.

And I think people don't take it as seriously when you're just young and living your life, I guess. But what I wonder is, like, was that same thing going on when I was younger and so many people were and they're not? And maybe people your age are just sort of figuring it out and talking about it. it and like, you know, what you guys are all doing is, like, calling into my show and, like, you know, facing it at a very young age because millennials are, like, more sort of self-aware, or is it that more millennials are drunks than there were back in the day? Like, that's what I'm trying to figure out.

You know what I mean? Yeah, well, I can't, you know, I can't speak to the previous generation. Right. But I think now we just have, you know, millennials have more of a platform to get our story out there. Right. Maybe in the past it was, you know, every group had that, oh, that one drunk friend. But now when you can broadcast it to the world, a lot more people, you know, noticed that this is something going on. Right.

But, and it's even like, I had three girls on my show. And I remember, like, when I was, like, ready to quit drinking and facing the fact that, oh, I had an issue with alcohol. I was, like, horrified, right? And I went to an A meeting. Like, that was, like, the first thing I did because I didn't know what the fuck I was going to do, how I was going to quit. And I remember thinking. it was just going to be all men there. Like I just had no sort,

because I knew a couple people that were my friends that had quit drinking, but they were all guys. Like I had never in my life at that point sort of had anybody like a woman that like I had no friends or anything. So it was like I, you know, for me I thought I was more of like the minority. It was like more men were drunk than women. But it turns out when I went to the AA meeting, there were so many women there and it was very, it was great for me.

So obviously there are a lot of women. but like the only people that have called into my show as far as being alcoholics have been women and and you know which is interesting but I sometimes think and this is a little bit off topic because I want to get back to your personal story though and you know that maybe it might be a little like a bigger problem though with millennials because I do believe that this whole social media thing and the fact that like everyone's sort of connecting but not really connecting. and they're much more, you guys are much more isolated even though it doesn't seem like you are compared to previous generations just because of like the technology that like came about when you were being born. You know what I mean? So I think there tends to be people that are more, you know, high on shit because people are more more depressed because people don't have like real interactions with people and a lot of that stuff

that is very important to sort of being genuinely happy, like deep down inside. I saw this really great. And like I said, this is very off topic and then we're going to get back to your story. But I saw this really great TED Talks. You know those TED Talk videos? Oh, yeah. Yeah. There was one recently that somebody put out there and it was all about like, oh, the truth

about alcoholism or like addiction. And it was like a different take on it. And basically like, listen, I don't believe anything 100%. You know, you take little things from different. things that people say and you put it all together and make up what you believe in, right? But this guy was talking about how he believes that addiction is really rooted in, you know, not having real connections with people, you know? And I really think that there's, that is a big part of it. You know what I'm saying? Because there is the, like, like they,

because in psychology, they say like the only thing that really affects happiness, which means makes it go up or down, like makes you happier or less happy, is your, relationships, the quality and quantity of your real relationships. And relationships doesn't mean how many fucking friends you have on Facebook, because that's not really friends. You know, it's like the real people that you actually meet up with, like that you talk to in real life. You know what I mean? And I think that your generation has less of that, even though it feels like there's more. So, but let's get to your story. Yeah, that's a really good point. Yeah, it was a really good TED Talks. I should tweet. I'm going to tweet it because it was like, like I said,

I think a lot of different things go into addiction, right? But I think that that is... Oh, yeah, sure sure. I definitely think that the sort of feeling of not being able to have real intimacy and your relationships and stuff does sort of lead to it. But he said even more than that, and it was really interesting. So I'll send that link out. So what's your deal?

How old are you? By the way. I'm 25 years old. Jamie, what are we calling you again? I forget your fake name. Julie. Oh, Julie. I was close.

Okay. I'm 25. You're 25. And so what's your story? Are you sober now? Like, what's your deal with alcohol? Like, how long have you? No, I am not sober now.

Oh, you're not. Are you a drink? Do you think that you're an alcoholic? To you, yes. Speaking to the rest of the world? No. Well, you've only been speaking me for like four minutes. So do you mean like when you listen to me, talk to like these other people on the call?

And you're like, oh, I could kind of like relate. or like just when you were emailing me? No, I just mean the whole anonymity thing. Oh, okay. What I, you mean what I just said? Yeah, well,

yeah, like I'm, you know, anonymous here. So if I, if one of my good friends were to ask me, I would play it off and say, no,

I'm fine. Oh, okay. So you're just, honestly, that's what you mean. Like, honestly,

yes, you do think you're, you're an alcohol. Okay, so tell me your deal. So you're 25 and like, what makes you, like,

when did you figure out that you were like, oh my God, I might actually have a problem with drinking, like what was going down? Right after I finished college, like there was a lot of things that happened in college that were definitely signs towards it, but I had never really, you know, I kind of just played it off. I was in college and having fun, but when that started to kind of carry over after I was done

school into like my professional life and how I'm supposed to be, you know, a real functioning adult now and this was causing issues, I think that was one of the telltale signs. that, you know, I had to really think about what was going on. Right, but what was going down in college that, like, you thought was like, oh, this is no big deal. I'm just having fun, but then it just sort of followed you outside of college. Like, what were you doing? How were you acting out when you were drinking?

Well, when I was trying, I started, like, blocking out, like, completely. So that was always my issue. So I remember one morning I woke up and I was in this, like, this bed. had no idea where I was. Like, this room was totally new to me. I had no idea what was going on. There was no one beside me. So I had no idea where I was. I could have been in a different city for all I knew. And I ended up, I ended up finding, like, a piece of mail on it to, like, figure out, like, what house I'm in and what address I'm in. And I don't know, like, where the people were, anything. So I just, like, called a cab and said, you know, here's my address. And then I

just went home after that. So there was like a few instances like that. Did you ever get to let me ask you this. I was a total blackout drinker, you know, and a lot of times like I would be able to piece together stuff from like friends telling me what happened. Like in that scenario when you like wind up at this house, right? And you know, like first of all, did you wind up naked or did you have clothes on? And underwear on. So you were naked. I mean, that's pretty not. That's not, that's not, that's pretty naked. Yeah. Well, yeah. Right. Did you. Yeah. Did you get to piece together anything that happened, like by talking to your friends or anything? Yeah, I figured, I ended up figuring out, like, who it was that I had left with and, like, who's room it was.

And I was able to piece that together. But it was all true, like word of mouth. I had no idea from, like, my own memory. I'm assuming it was a guy that you left with? Like, who did you leave with? Yeah, it was a guy So I was at Like the college bar

And I was with my friend And I have a habit of when I'm drinking I always like ditch my friends And you know run off somewhere Or go to a different bar And just kind of do my own thing But my friend said that we were leaving And like we were walking home together

And then this guy just started talking to us And I was just like sure Let's go to your house type thing Right Yeah you're like a dateline episode waiting to happen I just saw a date line about a of women that I'm like, left drunk. Like, yeah, you're, I mean, it's funny now because you're still alive.

But, yeah, so, so. Yeah, but it's, yeah, it's freaky. I know. I was a blackout drinker, too. And like you said, it's like, you know, I mean, it is kind of scary. I was always like, oh, my God, I'm so glad because now I'm sober that I came out. And I'm always like, it's, I'm very lucky that I was never, like, raped or killed or robbed or any of those things.

Because when you're blacking out, it is, like, you're. You have no memory. Like, nobody, people that don't blackout don't really understand. It's like you just have a complete, like, no memory of what happened. Yet you're walking and talking and doing shit, you know? Exactly. It's almost like you're on, like, autopilot. And, you know, to someone who's never, like, fully blocked out, they don't, they don't get that.

They can't grasp that. But, like, to me, like, it's totally, like, I'm chatting with people. You know, I'm ordering me. I think, so I'm having a great time. But, like, come morning. I have no idea what I did since like five o'clock. Yeah, people don't understand that there's a very big difference between people who blackout and people who are completely wasted and can't handle their alcohol.

Like some people could be, if they're not blackout drinkers and they drink too much, they're like stumbling and stirring their words and puking and you could tell they're so fucked up, right? And maybe they're even in blackout too. I don't know. But people that are blacked out are not slurring their words. They're not puking. they're not stumbling drunk.

They're like exactly the same. But somehow like we just fucking check out. And you were like not in your body. You don't see anything. You don't hear anything. And you'll know what I'm talking about. Like sometimes you have like little clips of the night, but it feels like if you're like in a dark room

and someone turns on a flashlight for like a second, right? And you see something and then it goes dark again. Like you have those moments, right? Like the flash bowl moments. But you're, but yeah, no, definitely. I was like, wait, I remember a red sweater or like something like that. Exactly. It's literally like someone turned the lights for one second and turned it back on.

And that's about it. So basically like, so that must have freaked you out because you know you're having like sex with people that you probably don't want to have sex with, right? Yes, definitely. I did the same thing. So it's just like, you know, the more you cop to it, the better. I mean, it's not, I mean, did that freak you out? Do that freak you out? I don't know. That's a hard one because I would say no because, you know, nothing like serious has happened.

I never, like, contracted an SDD or I never got pregnant or anything like that. But, yeah, no, it is scary to think, like, it could have been anyone. Like, I've, you know, obviously regretted a few late. But I don't know. That's just the kind of drunk I am. Like, I was always very overly friendly. I would make out with everyone in the bar and just kind of, I guess, kind of be an easy, target, I guess, to take home. Well, especially because you say you, like, leave your friends and just go, like,

random places by yourself. Do you do that when you're totally blacked out, or is that a choice that you make when you're kind of, like, looped and just having fun and you're like, oh, I'm just going to, like, you're adventurous and you just take off? It's a mixture of both. Like, sometimes, I don't know, I guess I'm more ambunctious than my friends are, or I'm just, you know, want to make friends with everybody. I'm very social when I'm drinking.

And sometimes they just kind of want to do their own thing. And I just like, okay, bye, I'm going to go do my thing. Right. Well, alcoholics always think that they're just more fun than everybody else. I mean, for me, I was always like just thought everyone was so boring. And I didn't realize that, no, the boring people were, quote, unquote, normal people. And I was, I had a problem with alcohol. That's why I couldn't, like, go home until 6 o'clock in the morning.

It was drinking everyone's drinks. Yeah, no, I understand it. And that's a big part of my thing, too. it's not so much that I'm drinking 24 hours, seven days a week. It's the first sip of alcohol I have. I don't stop until there's nothing left. Yes, spoken like a true person that has a problem. For sure.

That's the problem. That's what I always try to explain to people because, you know, some people will say like, oh, why couldn't you just have like one drink or something? And I would be like, you don't understand. Like when I take one sip, like the minute I start drinking, it's like my, my brain takes over and I am like a different person. And it was like I took it to the end. The only place to end that was like in the bed, you know, blacked out, passed out. Like when there's no more alcohol being served, like, you know, at the last moment possible, like there was never

anything, oh, I'm kind of tired. I just don't want to drink anymore. I'm going to go home. Like there was no rational thinking. There was like a switch, right? That turns off. And that's why I do think that there's like it's a physical thing, but it's addiction to and it's a problem and that like some people, I mean, like when I first quit, it was basically like there was a part of me, of course, I thought I had a problem, but I just, it was like a physical thing. I physically could not drink. Because what will happen to you if you continue to drink is what happened to me. I blacked out for years. I mean, I could, this is probably thousands of times I blacked out. But towards the end of me quitting, I would black out after like one drink.

Like I could not not black out. Whereas like, you know, in the early days, I could party till 6 o'clock in morning and not blackout. You know what I mean? And I could drink a lot or I could drink till 2 o'clock in morning and blackout. This was to the point where I'd have one drink and I would black out. So I switched to like instead of hard alcohol because I always drank vodka and tequila. I would switch to beer and wine.

And then that was made. It was like I couldn't not black out. And like what was the point? You know what I mean? I wanted to like be out all night and have a good time, but I was literally like would get like a 30 minutes and, you know, I would be blacked out. So it was like I had like physically no, there was nothing I could do. Right. Like so I felt like at first it was a physical thing because physically my body didn't react properly to alcohol. You know what I mean? Your body doesn't either. And I think blacking out, I don't know, we'll get more into this because I got to get your whole story. Like I don't know. I think people. that black out. It's a physical thing, yeah, but I think that there's emotional reasons why certain people tend to black out and other people don't. But like I said, that's like I have to ask you more questions to see if you fit into my, you know, listen, if you listen to it, like even two of my

podcast, you realize, like, I make scientific observations by like talking to two people and then I decide something. So, like, my reason, you know, my reason for. Well, that's the thing too. I've, yeah. I've read, you know, different articles and, you know, different theories about the whole blacking out thing. And I've heard a few different things. And it's a little both of psychological and just bio, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think personally for me, what I'll just say now is that I think that people that black out are people that early on in their life had something traumatic that happened to them, that they probably checked out of their bodies because they didn't, couldn't deal with it.

it was very traumatizing. So they developed that skill of just fucking checking out really early on. And so when you put alcohol in them and you take away all their sort of like inhibitions like they'll like they check out again. Like I just think it's some sort of like thing that you did when you were really little. Maybe when trauma was happening to you that, you know, might be repressed. But, and so that's what happens to be. That's what I think personally.

You know. Yeah, it could be a factor for sure. Mm-hmm. For sure. So how many times? So when did you start drinking, actually? I had, like, my first few steps, I guess, like, when I was, like, 13. But I didn't start, like, drinking, drinking until about, like, 16, 17.

Uh-huh. And so you've been blacking out from, like, the whole time and this whole thing of, like, waking up places that you don't know is, like, the thing that is, like, what concerns you a little bit. I know it doesn't concern you that you're just sleeping. with random people. Maybe that'll change, you know, 10 years from now. But, you know.

Yeah. I mean, right? But like, what is it like that? You told me that one story, right, where you wound up blacking out and you wound up at somebody's house. Like, so all, most of your blackout stories, I'm assuming, were pretty, like, scary or like that made you sort of thought about. Like, were you having these episodes all the time through college?

I've always been a blackout drinker. Like, ever since, like, high school, I've always, you know, not. remembered part of the night or most of the night. Right. So that's never, that's never really changed for me. I guess just the more serious actions started occurring, like in college where I had, you know, a lot more freedom. I didn't have to go back to, you know, mom and dad's house.

I was living on campus, so I had a lot more freedom that way. Right. Uh-huh. Yeah, I definitely did a lot of drinking and driving. I ended up crashing my car, actually, so that was a big, I took a break after that for a bit, but then went back to. Wait, wait. Okay, so, okay, wait a second.

That happened in college? Did you get a DU? I'm assuming you got a DUI. I mean, like you totaled your car drunk in a blackout? I did not. I did not get a DUI only because, um, okay, so that, well, I have to tell the story kind of to explain it. Yeah.

Um, so I had been drinking, you know, all day, all night. It was four in the morning and one of my buddies just wanted to like go back to my house. So I was like, sure, I'll drive. I live in a really small town, so there's a lot of backroads and things like that. So when I was driving home, it was winter. I hit a patch of ice, and I ended up crashing into a ditch, and I was completely stuck. I couldn't move, couldn't do anything. You remember all of this?

Well, no, from what I was told. Okay, so you were in a blackout? Yeah, pretty much. I kind of did, like, I guess, sober up, as people call it, once. I crashed because I had to, you know, figure shit out because I was potentially going in jail. Yeah. So I kind of... Came through at that point.

What I did, though, was I called... Yeah. Exactly, yeah. So I called my ex-boyfriend who had that big pickup truck and, you know, a wench and everything like that. So I called him, and he came out at 4 in the morning and took me out of the ditch before and he caught in your friend. It's in a ditch in your car.

And so, yeah. He comes and he just pulls you out and, like, gets you home and everything so that you don't get busted. How could your car drive? Well, yeah. The whole bumper was, like, kind of ripped off. So I just physically ripped it off on the side of the road and kept driving. Oh, my God, hilarious.

Because one day you're going to be, like, you're going to have kids, and you're going to be, like, you know, raising them properly and everything. And you're just going to be like, oh, my God, imagine they knew about all these stories that I did when I was younger. Yeah. Like, a mom was in a ditch. and she lost her bumper and she just threw it on the side of the road drove home drunk, you know?

I mean, it's just like the things you do when we're young are just kind of hilarious. I mean, they're wrong. They're wrong. Don't get me wrong. I mean, I don't want to. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Kind of funny too. Yeah, so, like there were people driving by, you know, like a few people pulled over. Like, are you okay? Do you need help? Like, should we call someone? And I was, you know, terrified if they called a tow truck,

they would obviously smell the booze on me. So I was like, no, like, like I'm fine a tow truck's coming, tow truck's coming. Yeah, that was smart. And they're all just kind of let me go. And yeah, so yeah, I just got towed out. And then he was trying to take away my keys. But I just kind of like fucked off and kept driving.

Okay. And so you made it home okay. And so how long did you stay off drinking after that? Um, one time. That's probably the longest I've ever gone. Right, right. That is a long time. I mean, you know, I mean, that's,

That's like, you know, for somebody that really likes to drink and party, you know, and were you in college at that time? Yeah, I was. Yeah. Yeah. So that's really tough. I mean, for two weeks, you know, I mean, two months, not even two weeks. Two weeks would be long. Two months is a long time.

And so how do, and how come you went back? And like when that happened, though, was that like one of the first times? Like, what was the first time that you could remember that you were like, oh, maybe I have a problem with drinking, you know, that you thought about it to yourself? Um, well, I think when I was in high school, like I had, you know, a couple of boyfriends throughout high school. And, um, every time I went out drinking, I would always cheat on them. Mm-hmm. So I thought maybe that was a sign. And would you like fuck the other guys?

Like, how far would you take the cheating as far as like, like, were you like straight up having full-on sex with other guys? Were you just making out with other guys in the bar? Like, what were you doing when you were cheating on them? No, in, in high school, like high school, I was. strictly blow jobs, so I would just blow everybody pretty much. And then in college, and then college was more, you know, sex. So, and you would have these long-term, right, and like, I get it because I've done stuff like that when I was drinking, and it's just like, you probably really loved your boyfriend,

right? You probably, like, do you think that there was some subconscious reason why you were doing it, or you were just completely, like, blacked out and you didn't know what was going on? like were you mad at your boyfriend? I think I was just completely blocked up. No, I've never ever cheated on anybody sober. Right. You're right.

So like that's what I mean. Like you're not a cheater, but you've cheated because when you drink alcohol like, because some people will be like, oh, you're like alcohol brings out the truth and it's who you really are. And I think that that's total bullshit. I think for some people, especially people that have a problem with alcohol,

it makes them do things that they are not really who they are. And that's like the worst. part of it. You know, and that's why I say, like, you say, oh, I don't care that I sleep with, like, guys that I don't even know. Like, I know you say that now, but at some point, if you ever really clean your act up, you will kind of be like, you know what? Like, that was fucked up too, because you were doing things to yourself that, like, the real part of you probably didn't want any part of. You know what I mean? Like, and something that you wouldn't really do. Maybe you're not even that promiscuous, like if you weren't sort of not drinking, you know, and alcohol is just

allowing you to be, you know, like allowing you to act out and do things that are not nice to yourself. You know what I mean? More so than to anybody. Yeah. You know, let alone your boyfriend's. I believe that, like, that's why I asked that question because I think people would think like, oh, maybe you were trying to get back or you're being revengeful. But I think when you're a blackout drinker and you have problems with alcohol, it could be,

you're totally in love with your boyfriend. Everything's totally fine. And you're literally just doing these really horrible things that are basically like, could ruin your life, right? And that's how you really know you have a problem. Right, without thinking of the consequences because you just need to drink

and you need to just check out, you know? And would your boyfriends find out or like how would you know that you cheated on them if you were like blacking out? Like how did they find out? There's always someone around type thing. And like I said, I used to like just make out with everybody at the bar.

Uh-huh. And when you say everybody was it guys and girls just like anybody? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Guys, girls, didn't matter. Right.

So it would always get back somehow. I did have a few long-distance boyfriends where, like, they never found out, but I just broke it off because, you know, I didn't want to. And they don't deserve that, I guess. I was smart enough to realize. But, yeah, sometimes I would tell them, sometimes they would just find out. I had one really long-term boyfriend. It was almost four years. and he stuck with me through a few different cheating scenarios, I guess.

And in the end, you know, I just couldn't take it anymore, I guess. So you've been blacking out, you've been thinking that maybe you have a problem, but since, like, the car crash, you haven't quit or done anything about it. And how come, like, if you think that you have an issue? Well, I wouldn't say I haven't done anything. I have gone to meetings on several different occasions. my mom is a recovering addict, so I was very familiar with, you know, N-A-N-A, so I kind of knew what to expect going into it. So I did that for a bit, but never, like, really, never got a sponsor or anything like that and just kind of, I don't know, just kind of justified it to myself that, oh, like, you know, I'm okay, like it's not that bad, I guess.

Totally, uh-huh. When was the first time that you went to your first meeting? And, like, who did you, I mean, have you, this whole thing that you think that you have a problem? Sometimes, like, you feel that way and you go to an AA meeting and you've, like, you know, like, have you, does, are there a couple people in your life that know about this whole thing, that you're honest about it? And they know that you've gone to meetings and tried to quit. Yeah, there's a deal. I would at least a couple times every year.

Just, you know, I'll hit a point where I'm like, okay, like this time, you know, you've messed up. So I would go and then, you know, a couple days would pass and I'd kind of be like, oh, like, it's really not that bad and, you know, kind of get into that cycle. Of course, yeah. The first time I think I was, the first time I think I was 18 when I went to my first meeting. And, yeah, it was like, you know, like I said, I'm familiar with the program, so I knew what to expect, but they require a lot of work. Like, you have to work the program for it to help. And at that point, I just wasn't willing to do that. Yeah, no, I know. And it is hard, but this is the thing. There were a lot of things in AA and a lot of meetings I went to that really helped me and turn the light ball on for me and taught me certain things. And I read some books, but I never worked a program like they said I should. And I'm sober 14, maybe 15 years at this point. I don't even know. It's like hard to keep track, you know, and have been as successful at being sober without totally doing the program like they did. Because for me, it was overwhelming. It was. It was.

was hard enough being sober and dealing with all the stuff, you know, then on top of it to have to go to a meeting every single day and do like what they wanted me to do every single day. So I just think that there are other ways. Though I do think that it was good to go to meetings and sort of listen to other people and hear their stories. So you know that you're not alone. You know what I mean? And there was like I said, there was a couple meetings I would go to and somebody would say

something or they'd tell a story and it would totally like ring. true for me or I would learn something and it would be like oh that was like amazing you know but it wasn't going to be like the rest of my life like I'm so into it and I know that and I think some people need that and it's good for them for me I didn't and that was fine and I think it's different personality types you know it works for as opposed to other people maybe it wouldn't work for so I think that that's okay that you just go a couple times here maybe if you need to quit you'll do it a different way or maybe do it a little bit moderate. You know, I don't know.

Though I do believe people will think that's terrible for me to say, but, you know, I'm saying through experience. Yeah, exactly. Like, it's not, it's not for everybody and I know that. I've seen the programs, you know, do wonders for people and I've seen people who have, you know, just got in on their own. So there's, it just depends on who you are and how you're willing to go about it. Right.

But you're obviously still, you're still drinking, right? you're still blacking out, right? Are you in a relationship right now? Yeah. Right now, yes. Okay, and have you cheated on this boyfriend? Do you have boyfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends? Do you fool around with girls, too?

Like, what's your deal? I've only ever had boyfriends, but I'll hook up with girls. I've never actually dated a girl. Right, okay. And for my current one, I've made out with a couple of girls, but to him that's, you know, just girls being girls. So, like, it's fine. He doesn't see it as cheating, but I don't know.

People would say differently, so it's, I don't know. Well, how do you feel about it? Well, I think it's still cheating because even though I'm not having sex with them, I'm still, you know, physically attracted to this person and, you know, violating that. And are you doing it in front of him or behind his back? No, never in front of him, no. Right. So it is like you're just getting smashed.

And like maybe if there's a guy one time, it'll be with a guy, right? It's just like he thinks it's girl so it's hot and he probably just thinks like, you know, but he doesn't realize that if there was a guy there, you'd probably be doing the same thing. Right? I mean, eventually. Yeah, that could be it. Yeah. You're going to cross.

How long you've been dating this boyfriend for? It's been under a year Right And I think like seven months That's the problem when you're like an alcoholic or an addict This is like a sabotage is just like you know Your M-O You know what I mean

Like you just sabotaging especially relationships They go to shit all the time Through sabotage Right For sure And does he find out Yeah if it's not What

Sorry No, what were you going to say? No, as I was going to say, if it's not cheating that has ruined my, like, dating experiences, it's the drinking, so it's one or the other. But how has the drinking ruined your relationships? Well, just the fact that sometimes, like, I can't just sit at home and watch a movie together. Like, I have to drink two gallons of wine or, you know, like a two-sixth of vodka or something, and just kind of always be looking for that or I can't stop, then I want to part.

party till three in the morning and that's just not what they're into. Yeah, totally. And now, okay, so like if you're in college and like you can't sit home and like, you said, it's totally like, oh, everyone just seems to be having a good time and it's a party atmosphere. Who cares? So now that you're out in the real world and what do you do for a living? Industry, but, um, you work in an office or something?

Yeah, yeah. So I work in an office. Basically, I just, um, I draft contracts all day. So it's a lot harder to drink at work because I have to actually be able to read what I'm writing. So this job is fairly new and it's slowed me down during the day, that's for sure. But, you know, come five o'clock, the bottle opened. So before, though, at your old job or other jobs, you have, like, it's like you have been drinking at work? Yeah, yeah.

Like what kind of gigs that you had before? And how would you drink at work? Would you go in your car like Amber? I live pretty close to where I've always worked. I've just kind of lucked out that way, so I would walk a lot. And it was either like serving or one time I had like, it was a night cleaning job. So I would get, I would get wrecked on like night shifts and just come home absolutely wasted and not even remember like did I even do my job? Like, did people notice that I was, you know, wasted or a lot of things like that? I have, you know, gotten a few warnings from employers.

And I think you mentioned this, I believe, with Amber, that if your bosses love you, you can kind of get away with anything. No, that's very true because I'm just naturally kind of bubbly. So they didn't really see a huge difference. But once they noticed, okay, maybe she is drinking, we're just going to give her a couple warnings. You know, nothing happened. I'll say it again.

Nothing, like I've never. Yeah, no, it's very true. Like, if you ever been fired from a job, it's personal. Like, they'll be like, it's not personal, but like, it's personal. They don't like you. And it's not because you're late or you were drunk at work or you don't do a good job. It's because they don't fucking like you. Well, yeah.

And like a lot of the times I would be stealing, you know, the alcohol from said job. And they would find out. And still, I wouldn't get fired. Yeah, Amber was smashed at her job, right? And totally loaded. And she worked in like a grocery store and they still kept her because they liked her. That's the way that it goes. So you haven't been fired from any jobs.

And so like besides the affecting, I mean, it's been affecting your relationships. You're in a new relationship now, right? You're in a new job and it slowed you down. But like the minute that you get out of work, like where do you go? Like what's a typical day for you as far as alcohol is concerned? And I know you don't drink every day, but like a drinking day. So not in college. I moved to a new city.

I don't really have that many friends. I have, like, a couple of friends from work, my current boyfriend. So usually now I just, like, I'll work. I'll stop with the liquor store on my way home, and then I go home and just drink by myself. But that's, I'm okay with that because at least I'm not getting into trouble that way, and I can wake up at home and go to work the next morning. So I've kind of stuck to that for a while. I will go out the occasional time with, like, coworkers, and, you know, I would keep it tame while

I'm with them, but stop at the liquor store on my way home and just drink more for the rest the night by myself. Right, right. So that's kind of what a double life. Yeah, that's kind of what my typical day is, drinking day is now. Right. And you're okay with it. When you say you're okay with it, meaning, like, not that you see it as a problem, but, like,

you're okay with it because you're not doing, like, you're not being reckless. like because it isn't normal to be sitting at home like guzzling bottles of wine by yourself, right? Like so when you say you're okay with it, what does that mean? Well, yeah, I guess like you say that's not normal, but that's so normal to me. Like that's a Wednesday night to me. Right. But that is totally, right? Like at your age, like you're like it's totally not what, like a regular person who likes to

have a couple drinks and party and have fun. It's totally not that what people are doing. Do you know what I mean? Like that's a total sign that you have a problem. How much do you drink on those days when you're home? Bottles of wine and then some shots usually. Yeah. By yourself.

By yourself. Woohoo. I mean like who's drinking? Yeah. What's the fucking point? That's the whole re-like that's the, that's why you really know that you have a problem because, you know, most people drink because it's a social thing.

I like the feeling, I guess. Well, duh, yeah, but you like to not be in reality. I mean, come on, let's face facts. Okay, you like that feeling of being looped more than you like the feeling of being present in real life. And I get that. I told you, like, I've said this before my podcast, actually. Like, when I quit drinking the first year of being sober, I was exhausted because I wasn't used to living in reality.

Living in reality is exhausting. I mean, I never brushed my teeth or took my makeup off every night. Like I was fucking drunk Like you know Doing all that stuff all the time And taking care of everything Like a normal person is exhausting And that's what you don't realize

Because you're not doing half those things Because you're just you know Checked out most of the time You know So like What you like is to be You know Sort of drunk right

That feeling that you get Because it feels really great But it's obviously There's something like that You know You're escaping from Because you know Sitting home

at night, like, why can't you just, you know, sort of do that? Not even with your boyfriend, you know, like, and a lot of times, you know, you would think that would be fulfilling. You know what I mean? That would fill you up a little bit more that you don't have to be sort of chasing the dragon, right? That's what I call it. You're like chasing the dragon all the time.

You know, and you need two bottles of wine and some shots. And I know that that's normal for you, but on some level, you have to know that that is a, you know, a serious thing that most people, that most of your friends don't do that, right? And that's abnormal that you do that, right? And that that's a problem, right? Yeah. Yeah. No, for sure.

I do, like, I do understand that, but, you know, again, if, if I'm not, I know I'm hurting myself, obviously, and my body and everything, but if, if I'm just drinking at home and I'm not, you know, drinking and driving and I can still get up for work. and go to work, I don't really see, like, why it's, like, why I have to quit it, I guess, is kind of where I'm at at this point is, you know, I'm functioning, I guess, so that's good enough for me right now. Yeah, yeah. Well, you've been able to, right, right now, because of your job, right, during the day,

you can't drink because, like you said, you have to, like, draft contracts and anything. Like, I, I'm sure, like, a year from now, if you're still at this job, like, eventually you will drink at that job and you'll fuck that shit up. Like you just will. Like that's what will happen. Like you won't be able to keep it together as much as you think you'll be able to and as functioning as you are eventually like you'll become dysfunctional because you're not like, you know, that's what happens.

And you'll hit a bottom. Hopefully for your seek, you will hit a bottom because I think that that's like the greatest thing that could happen to anybody who has a problem with any kind of addiction. you know, and everyone's bottom is different, you know. I think many people have seen friends of theirs or mates or partners of theirs. You hit what they would think would be a bottom for anybody and it's not. Like they still don't quit. You know what I mean?

Like people could go through really hard things, sabotaged, lose everything, suffer massive consequences because of drugs or alcohol and they still don't quit because, you know, the addiction is a very powerful thing, you know. And what's on the other side of your drinking is, you know, really difficult. You sort of quitting. And like what I've always said, like, you know, quitting is not that it's the easy thing, but that's just like you're just, it's black and white. Like you just don't drink, right?

Like you use a drink now, you just don't drink. So you just don't drink alcohol. But like what becomes really difficult is like, you know, all the things that come and all the things that you have to deal with and all the stuff that you have to work on in yourself. You know, and those are all the things that you're hiding by drinking. There's a reason why you drink that much. You're not, you know, you have like issues that you're sort of not dealing with. And so the minute you ever quit any of that stuff, you'd have to deal with all that stuff,

and that's very difficult. But that's the stuff that, you know, you have to work on that would change your life and make you a better person. And it's like really good to face that stuff. But like I've never one like because like nobody would have ever been able to tell me to quit drinking, right? You're the one that's eventually going to have to make that choice. You know, you, I hear two different things from you, but that's very normal with addicts. Like it's like some part of you like when Googling and found my podcast and you listening to Amber is an alcoholic,

some part of you sent me an email and said you want to be on my show. You did say that you believe you're an alcoholic, you know, but yet there's a. other part of you that says, like, you think it's, you know, okay that you drink and you don't even see that as a problem, you know? So it's just like, yeah, you're probably not totally ready to quit drinking, but, you know, so you're in an interesting place. Yeah, like, yeah, I have my good days and I have my bad days, like, you know, a good day is where, well, to me is where I think, okay, I'm fine, everything's great, and then I'll have my bad days where, you know, usually ends up at a meeting where I'm just, you know, everything just kind of hits me and I'm like, what am I doing?

But then a couple days will pass and I'll get over it. So I don't, I don't know. Yeah, I'm definitely, I'm in a weird place right now and I feel like I can't be the only one, I guess. So. No. Let me ask you this. When you wrote me your email, what kind of a day was it? Was it a good day or a bad day?

When I first wrote you, I was really drunk when I first wrote you. Oh, you did? And were you listening to my podcast? Like, did you go, like, how did you find Amber as an alcoholic? Were you just listening to my podcast regularly, like a regular person? Or, like, did you go Googling for, like, stuff about, like, alcoholics and stuff and then find it? No, I listen to your podcast all the time. I listen to it, like, when I walk to work and when I walk home.

Oh, okay, cool. And then you stumbled upon Amber is the alcoholic. Exactly, yeah, it was just, like, the next on my list to listen to. So I listened to that, and I was like, I don't know, just thought. it would be because I get an email you and then I kind of forgot until you replied and I was like oh yeah I said I would do that. Yeah no and I know I mean because it's just like like I always say on my show like I talk to all kinds of people people that need advice people that like just want to talk about their interesting lives and like for you it's not like I'm going to shove my opinions about like why you should quit or what quitting will because like you probably listen to my other shows that I talk and so I gave that same. I would give the same spiel. You know how it affected me and what I think about quitting and everything.

But like you're not at that place right now. So what would you say? Because I know like in your email you're like I could like I know maybe what millennials are going through or whatever like. Because if you're not calling in just sort of sort I don't know. Like like you know to get advice of how to quit. Right. And you're happy like you know you have a problem but you're not ready to quit. Like what would you want to talk about on the show?

really had no end game. Like I don't know what I want to come of this conversation, but I figured maybe if I'm out, I've never been this honest to anyone before. So maybe if I actually kind of talked it out, maybe it would help me. Maybe it would help someone else. I don't know.

Yeah, maybe when you listen back to it, it'll help you. Sometimes you have to be outside of yourself. I wished, I remember thinking to myself, because there were so many times I had blackout, crazy moments where I did insane things that my friends would tell me about. And I would just, you know, I thought to myself like, God, if anybody ever videotaped me, because back when I was a drunk, like, there was, like, if you wanted to videotape somebody

drinking, like, you'd have to bring out, like, this big contraption. You know what I mean? Nowadays, like, have you ever seen yourself in action in a blackout? Like, has anyone ever videotaped you? Have you ever seen yourself? Well, one of the, like, running jokes in my group is they always want to put, like, a GoPro on me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What an average night.

Yeah, they always joke about that. Oh, I wish you had a GoPro. I wish you had a GoPro because, I don't know, maybe I will one day. But I just get into these crazy situations. They don't understand that even happens. So I've always kind of wanted to do it just to see, like, how does that happen? Because I fucking don't remember. So, I don't know.

I've seen video clips here and there. Um, but it's, I don't know, it's what we went back to before where I'm black out, but I'm not stumbling. I'm not puking. I'm, you know, I can have a conversation with you and be totally out of my mind. Right. So it's kind of hard to judge it on a video. I don't know.

Yeah. No, I mean, listen, you're just going to have to keep having, like, you're, you know, these waking up, not knowing where you are, sleeping with people that you don't know who they are. And like, you're like, I'm okay now because I've never, I don't, it doesn't really bother me that I do that because I never. had an STD and everything, but like you're still drinking. I could say I'm fine and like it never happened to me and I know that none of those things will ever happen to me because I don't drink

anymore. So I know that I'm safe and I'm not going to do that kind of stuff anymore. But you're still drinking and you're still blacking out. So any of those things being raped, getting an STD, being killed, like I said, you're like a fucking episode of Dateline waiting to happen. The fact that you leave your friends and you go home with strange men that you don't know. Like I mean, you could really honestly seriously be killed and so you know or raped impregnated like herpes you know like you don't even because you're not probably not having safe sex when you're screwing these people you know you could be killed in a car okay you could you know so all these things could still happen to you right absolutely there's a chance because you still drink

and you still black out. I always felt like if I saw myself, maybe, but maybe you're right. Like maybe if I saw clips, it would just, I just seemed normal. You know, you're not going to do a clip of yourself like,

you know, in someone's house, screwing a total stranger that you don't even know, you know. I know for me towards the end, like that kind of stuff freaked me out that I was like sleeping with people that I didn't.

It was always, I was always with people that I knew, which it was actually work. because there would be like friends that I just like really didn't like and I'd be wake up and they'd be there like looking at me like they really liked me and I'd be like get the fuck out of my house like same thing happened to you right it was more more so random though just because like I said I would just go off and do my own thing but I also went to a small college so kind of everybody knew somebody by association so

there were things like that and I have had you know I would just randomly hook up with someone and then suddenly they want to like date me or something and then it's like no like sorry you don't get it I don't even know what happened

but it's hard to say that I guess to them because then they think they did something wrong and like I find I'm the one who's doing something wrong not them so it's it's a fine line I guess to kind of deal with those situations afterwards, which is kind of why I think I like to stay at home more because then I don't

have to deal with shit like that. Right. But, you know, eventually you're going to go back out. I mean, how long can you stay home? I mean, I don't know. You're 25 years old. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's good.

Yeah, I know it's going to come. I just, I don't know. I'm going to ask you this. Your mom's an addict, right? What about, like, is your father involved in your life? Oh, yeah. Yeah. My, my, we actually grew.

up with my dad. When my mom was, or sorry, when I was maybe 10, my mom had left for rehab and she just, you know, never moved back into the house. Like I've always had a relationship with her, but she never raised us. It was all my dad. Oh, interesting. So my dad, you know. Do you remember when you were really little, like seeing your mom?

Like, what was your mom's? Like, was she an alcoholic or what was her deal as far as addiction? No. She was a drug addict and she would, she always said. like her drug of choice was anything she could get her hands on, and that's kind of how it was, especially in a small town. It's just kind of whatever is cycling around at that point. So she went through a whole bunch of different phases, and it was just, she was just addicted

to, you know, a high, I guess, not so much a drug. Yeah. But she went and, you know, went into rehab and then went through N.A. And she's been clean and sober ever since, but she just never got custody of us after that. So it's always just been with my dad. How hardcore did the drugs get with her? Like did she do heroin and shit like that? Or was it more like pills?

Yes. Well, I have Coke. Some heroin, I think that was near the end, was heroin before she got help. Also crack for a while as well. But I was, she hit it pretty well, I guess, from us because we were still young. I have siblings as well, but we were pretty young. And she would, she was a server. So she cut her coming home.

home late was nothing new. But it just started once, you know, my dad had to clean up puke first thing in the morning or, you know, we started seeing things like that. And that kind of is where we realized that something was wrong. Right. And so, but do you remember, like, one day, so if you're not, like, old enough to really know that your mom has a serious problem, was it, like, like, how did you deal with the fact that, like, one day your mom just wasn't there?

Yep, actually. So my mom said that she was going to help her friend move, like, out of town. And I guess that was their way of, like, protecting us. And then after a few weeks, she never came home. We started asking, like, you know, where's mom? Why can't we see her? Like, what's going on? And then my dad kind of just, like, sat us down and explained that, you know, mom was ill. She was sick, and she was in a hospital right now. And then it wasn't until maybe a couple years later where I actually fully. grasp that she was a drug addict and um she does have chronic depression as well so my dad just kind of played off that and kind of just kept it to that when he said she was sick did he explain that it was like mental or like at like at that age you did you think oh my god like is she physically sick like if she was sick it was just oh she had the flu or she ate something bad um but when she would be on when she was on the couch for days at a time then she was depressed No, no, I'm talking about when your dad told you, first your mom leaves and they tell you, he tells you that she's going to help someone move. And then after a couple weeks, he says your mother's sick and she's, you know, in the hospital.

Like, did you think she was like physically sick? Oh, no, sorry. No, I, he always said it was depression. Like, she was really sad, you know, and she needed help to be happy again is how he explained it when we were at that age. Yeah, that's so hard to even fucking grasp. Like you're 10 years old. What grade is that? Four grade four, I believe.

Right. So you're just too young to really understand anything except that you're like massively being abandoned. And that's like, that's really hard. That's really horrifying. Do you have older brothers or sisters or like, where are you and, you know, your sibling? I'm, I'm the middle. So I have an older sister and a younger brother both three years apart.

And what's their deal? Like where are they now in life? Yeah. Like, do you know if they have any issues, because of like shit that went down when you were younger? Because that kind of stuff definitely affects you. I'm sorry.

Like there's no way that that doesn't. And it's just like, you know, your father was, it's not to say, like, listen, people aren't perfect. Human beings are flawed. That's just the way that it is, you know? So I just think how you're,

they handled it. They probably just didn't know what the fuck to do and they just handles it really wrong, right? But like really wrong to little kids in formative years is really bad for like your life.

You know what I mean? Like it really affects you. I'm sure your father didn't mean to fuck things up like that by doing, you say, you know, he probably thought that was the best way to do it. But I would assume that that's like really damaging on certain levels because you just don't understand what's going on yet you know something's going on. You know, and for how many weeks your mom is just not around and you're not even being told why she's not around.

It's like devastating. Yeah. And I think I was at that age where, you know, I, And that was it. I knew something, but I didn't know what. My younger brother, he was too young to even really know what was going on. He doesn't even remember, like, my mom ever living at our house. So he's fine in that aspect. And then my sister, she was around 13, so she acted out, you know, as a teenager,

but she's, you know, very successful now. She, I don't know, fell into religion. She's married to a pastor, and, you know, they, you know, have a, happy, successful life. You know, your age was really difficult because, like you said, you kind of knew something was going on, but you didn't really know, you know, and I think that that's like a really fucked up place to be, you know, and when you're that age, you know, and what does that do to you?

I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or whatever, but there's, have you ever been in therapy for that kind of stuff? Yeah. Yeah. When, when I was a teenager, I was for, well, I still, I still. I still have a therapist. I just don't go that often anymore.

But when I was, you know, all through my teen years, I saw a therapist. Right. And because of like, because you were acting out or because, like, why did you start to see a therapist in your teenage years? Like my mom, you know, finished rehab and my parents decided they weren't going to stay together. They kind of thought it was a good idea just to put all three kids in therapy just to talk to someone if we wanted to. But I was the one, my siblings didn't.

it for about a year and then, I don't know, felt they didn't need it or didn't want it, but I kind of liked it, I guess, or maybe they thought I should still be in it. It was probably a combination, but I kept it for years just because I was going through shit. I had a lot of it, even though, like, my mom was the addict, I kind of resented my dad for a long time because to me you were married, you know, till death do you part, sickness and health, blah, blah, blah. So I kind of always thought my dad like gave up on my mom and he didn't try hard enough but like yeah I've had conversations with both of them now and I know you know both sides of the story and what really happened so as an adult you know like me and my dad have a very good relationship now but being up I wanted nothing to

do with him I thought you know he was the bad guy in the situation I guess yeah see and that's really sad too because you really believe that to be true because you were just so young and how are you supposed to know like the real story because it wasn't explained to you or and even know about addiction you know when it's somebody's an addict there's nothing there's you can't try hard enough like it just that doesn't even exist you know um and then to have all that time to have that really broken sort of relationship with your father because you didn't really understand you know is even more devastating because at one point in your life you lost your mother, you know, physically and in other ways, too, because she left your house. And then at another

point, you, you know, you lost your father, you know, and it's great that, like you say, you're an adult now and you have good relationships, but that damage that was done before, you know, is what is affecting you now. And that damage is what needs to be worked on. And that damage, you're never going to be able to touch that and fix that while you're drinking. You would have to put everything down and focus on that to fix it. And that'll eventually, hopefully happen for you. Because if not, I really believe, unfortunately, that you'll never be 100% who you can be if you continue to just drink and just check out. You know what I mean? You're just not, you're never going to have as much as you should and could have in your life, you know? And

that's the truth. And hopefully, you know, at some point before anything really bad happens to you, you'll have a bottom and maybe you'll, you know, decide for good that you'll quit and you will get to the point where you could, you know, sort of work on all this stuff that happened to you and really go to that place inside of you because that's why you're doing all the stuff that you are acting out. You know, and you are acting out sexually too. To be sleeping with, people all the time and stuff and just doing things like that to yourself. It's, um, there's something about like you're not feeling good about yourself, you know, and, and that you need to work on.

And you're never going to like get there while you're drinking. That's why you're drinking. So you don't have to sort of do all that stuff. But I'm telling you, like if you really do it, if you did it, the sooner you do it, the sooner you, you know, the sooner you could have a much better life and be a much. happier person and live the rest of your life. I mean, I got sober when I was 34, you know, and it changed my life, 100% more than anything, you know, but I had a bottom. I did not go, like, logically. Like, you're not going to, I don't, like, this is not the fucking movies. Like,

you're not going to get off the phone with me no matter what I say and be like, oh my God, I'm going to quit drinking. Like, that, like, that's the right thing to do. I have a problem. I'm, I should quit. It just doesn't happen that way, unfortunately. Like, you know, something, unfortunately, you have to have a bottom. And I don't know what that's going to be for you. I just always hope for people that I know, you know, that it's not something, you know, really that devastating. Because bottoms come and, you know, all different shapes and sizes, you know. I mean, that, you know, you crash into a tree once.

Like you could crash and kill people. You could crash and kill yourself. You know, there's all kinds of things. Hopefully it'll just be herpes or something like that. know. It's going to be something. I just hope it's not something like really bad, you know. Maybe I'm wrong. Like maybe it's not like some people. Maybe some people do decide to quit without a bottom. I don't know. It just didn't happen that way for me. Like, you know, it was actually a really terrible feeling to be in that place. And it didn't feel like any kind of like I wasn't,

it wasn't a logical decision. You know what I mean? So I just hope that, you know, maybe you listen to this podcast and you listen to some of the things that you said and some of the things that you did. I once had a friend that came to me and was like she was like puking over and I don't know if I said this on another podcast but she was like I had already quit drinking and she thought maybe she had a problem. She was kind of like you but she didn't really think she had a problem and she was like, oh yeah I was peaking in the subway like over the tracks like before the train came and I'm just like oh like who's like what kind of women like is there any woman that like you admire And I don't remember who she said, like, was a woman that she admired.

Let's just say it was like Oprah. I'm like, so can you picture like Oprah, like on her way to work, like, you know, like, puking, like, and do it, like, you know, like put you like, and she started to laugh just like you did. You realize like, oh my God. Like, right. Like that's not what together fucking people do. Do you know what I mean? When you listen to the things that you say and do the things that you do, think of somebody

who you admire and respect that's successful in your life and think would they do what you do and admit it like is that how they live their life probably not you know because it's not what healthy people secure people do and it's listen there's no it's not like there's so many people that are damaged and broken i feel like it's a part of like being alive like we have to get somewhat fucked up right and like work on our shit like that's life like that's life like that's It's like your journey, you know, and you're super young. And, you know, these are just your issues that you have to deal. So it's not like you're a terrible person or less than or anything.

But you just have some stuff that you should work on and focus on. And I don't know. I shouldn't be like lecturing you so much because, like, you're not in that place yet. Maybe I'm annoying. Yeah. No. I know what you mean. I mean, though.

And all the things you said, like, and that's what I'm struggling with now. Like I have thought, but I don't know. I guess I'm still kind of hoping that. I don't have to live a sober life. I can control it. But, you know, as time goes on, it's starting to see that I have no control. I can't just have a couple drinks, but I still have hope that maybe I could get there one day. Yeah, just, you know what?

Just in the meantime, while you're drinking at home, it's good that you drink at home. It's good that you have a boyfriend right now that maybe slows you down a little bit. It's good that you have a job that you can't drink on. But like, if I were you, I'd see that therapist or somebody else at least once a week. if I were you, I'd try to just check into a meeting once a week, like if that, you know, and just, and if I were you, I'd just like put the thought in your head like, maybe you should quit, you know, and just think about it a little bit more and like, you know, do little things here and there and just have that. And I think that you obviously do, right, because you wrote me and you called it and you're talking about this,

you know, but keep that part of you still going because hopefully that smart part of you that is a part of you, right? I think it's the real you, you know, that sort of knows you have a problem, will win out in the end and get you the help that you need. Because you do need help. You do need to quit drinking, 100%. Like, and there was one girl on before Amber, I think, who I was like, I don't know if you really have a problem, but like, I have no problem telling you that you really do. I mean, it's very, you're not just like a normal millennial that's having fun and drinking, you know. so you know try to just stay in therapy go to therapy like go to therapy you need to be and it is good it's great it's like one day week if you do it at least once a week and some places just talk about yourself like how's that not fun you said you liked it right in the past yeah well yeah it's you know it's a

it's a third party that you know is unbiased you know they they're not gonna your friends will tell you kind of what you want to hear what will make you feel better. But sometimes you just need someone away from that. Yeah. And when you're in therapy, like when you talk to your therapist about all your drinking stuff, like, did you talk about, like, going to meetings and all that kind of stuff? I don't know. It depends on what kind of mood I'm in. Sometimes, you know, I, if I don't want to, like, if I'm in a mood where I don't want to quit right now, I'll kind of cover everything up, but then I'll have my days where I do want to quit and I'll just open up about it. But it kind of depends.

Okay, Jamie, Julie, something with a Jay, I know. I just like, what was your name again, Julie? Julie. Julia, you just call me Jay now. I know. I keep thinking Jamie for some reason, but it's Julie. I'm like, we're already talking an hour, 10 minutes. I can talk to you for five hours.

This is like one of my favorite topics because I lived it, like, and I know it, especially with women. So it's just always like, I feel like I don't even know if like I get to the point. I don't even know if I do a good podcast when it comes. to this subject because I think I talk a lot about myself and I'm all over the place because you know, it's something that I know so well through experience, you know, but and I don't know if like I, but I don't even think you called for help. Like I don't know if like and, you know, if like we got to the point or we just talked in circles, but I think it's always helpful to

hear like people's story as far as like what they're doing with drinking. Like my friend used to say, Like an AA meeting is like just talking to another person about like your drinking things. So it's like we just had an AA meeting. Just you telling your stories, you being honest about yourself is like, you know, as good as you going to a meeting. So, you know, and it, I think it, you know, it can help somebody else through listening to your stuff. But hopefully what I hope is that you listen to this episode, you know, maybe, you know, when I posted as well as six months from now. and maybe, you know, it helps you get to the point where you need to be, which is quitting drinking for good, you know.

And keep me posted when you do. That bottom crumbs. Yeah. You just said six months from now and I just can't even wrap my hand around where I'll be in six months. So I'm curious for that as well. Yeah, we can't wrap our head around where you be in six months. I'm sure you'll have a lot more stories. But like definitely like for me, because I'm a lot older than you, six months will fly by in two seconds.

It'll be six months from now. But you please let me know six months from now where you're at. If anything happens before then, you know, check in and let me know. But if not, check in and six, I'm going to check in with you in six months to get a where are they now episode out of you. Find out. Yeah. Hopefully you will be drinking. But be careful.

Try to be careful. If you can. Yeah. Okay. Thanks for calling in, Julie. Yeah, I will. Okay. Yeah, thanks, Kathy.

Bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th,

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it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other, and that's what you get to do there. You can post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total, strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous

Podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. You have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous.

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