Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 178 - Marie Got Dumped from her Polyamorous Relationship & Hit Rock Bottom

Episode Date: May 15, 2017

Marie calls in and talks all about her recent break up with her polyamorous boyfriend Rob (episode 166) and how it led to her hitting rock bottom. Tune in to hear the juicy details of the break - up, plus hear hear her talk about her troubled childhood, her addiction to drugs & alcohol & sex, her stint in rehab when she was 15, her failed marriage and why she cheated on him constantly and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online. Craigslist is definitely the gift. That keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Is your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your reflect fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy Kaye and Tommy.

Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow Strictly Anonymous podcast and Twitter, follow the show, is Tritononymous or follow me at Cartoon Therapy. If you can write a review for my show, please write a review. I really like reviews. I need reviews.

I like reviews. If you want to be at my show, I'm always looking for people. to call in. I tape episodes all the time. They're pre-recorded, so I'm pretty flexible. You can call me anytime I'll talk to you. I mean, I mean, we have to like establish the time, but like it's a pretty easy thing to do. So if you want to be on my show, it's a call on a vice show where I talk to people about their secret lives, their naughty lives. I talk to people about their problems. I give them advice. Even though it's unprofessional, I think I give good advice. So if you want to be on my show,

again, send me an email at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. I have on a girl who was a listener of the show. And really she became a listener because she was a part of another episode. She was like the third party of another episode. I had a guy on recently called Rob. He was a polyamorous guy. You could listen to his episode. It aired pretty recently a couple of weeks ago.

Rob is polyamorous as the title. it's episode 166 actually and he was in a relationship with a girl and another girl right that's what you do in polyamorous relationships and this girl Marie was actually listened to that episode and then she called in to give me an update on their polyamorous relationship and that update does not disappoint so if you listen to Rob and if you agreed with my analysis of his current polyamorous relationship, you're going to be very satisfied when you listen to Marie

and her update of what went down after we taped that podcast. And like, let me tell you, shit went down like right after we spoke because she wound up writing me like very early after that episode aired. Anyway, so she's on to talk all about that. And then we get into her whole life story. You know, this was a girl that was like in rehab at 15. And, then she was married and had really crazy marriage. I mean, even though it looked on the surface to be like this really great marriage, she was like constantly cheating. And she was kind of like a mess, even though she wasn't a mess. And then, you know, fast forward to her meeting Rob. And then he dumps her and like literally that was like her fucking bottom because she had fallen back off the wagon.

And now she's like clean again for like, you know, a little while. So we go through all of that stuff. We start when she's like 15. We talk all about her marriage, which had so many twist and turns that you would not see coming. And so that's a very interesting story. And then, like I said, we get the update on what happened when Rob and White sent her into such a tizzy that she wound up getting clean again for the second time in her life. So it's really an interesting story. You get a lot of information for Marie all about her polyamorous experience, her. first relationship, why she cheated, how she cheated, who she cheated with, all that kind of good

stuff. So anyway, I'm going to be right back on with Marie. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous. Hey, Marie. Welcome to Strictly anonymous podcast. You're on with Kathy. How are you? Hi, Kathy. I'm pretty good. Good. I'm like, I was kind of excited to get your email. Like, one, because I always

like to have female guests on my show because I don't get a lot of females. But the other reason, and maybe there's three reasons. One, because you're a female, two, because you have a very interesting story like your life story separate from my third reason which is that I was fucking right and I like being right like I taped an episode with a guy and we're going to start with this little thing first just to get it out of the way

I taped an episode with a guy named Rob who was polyamorous recently we did that episode and it aired right and you were the third person in their relationship and when he was explaining to me about his most recent polyamorous relationship, which you were the third person, like, that was included in that, I, like, sort of sense that there was, like, an issue with his girl being jealous. And I predicted that I smelled trouble down the line, right? And he was a little

defensive to my prediction. That's what I remember. Am I correct? You are very, very correct, yes. Well, I was correct that there was a problem, but wasn't I correct that? that I said it and he like really was like, no, you're totally wrong. And I was like, I think I'm fucking right. Like there's something that's not right here. Yeah, I absolutely. I listened to the episode while actually getting my toes done. Uh-huh.

And I think it was probably two or three weeks after you had recorded it. Uh-huh. And I was staying there with my mouth open thinking, oh my God, this is all happening right now. Did he record this like yesterday? Because, so what you're saying is like two weeks later. you got, there was like the demise of your guy's relationship because she got jealous. Right. Right.

Well, it's multifaceted. I think, I think he fore, like, he knew deep down that she was, something was going on. And I think he really downplayed my involvement with him and his involvement with me. Oh, to keep her, like, to keep her jealous sort of behavior that he felt was brimming, like, under control. Right. And he was less than honest with her, which I didn't find out till much later. Yeah, and that never helps because I've talked about this a million times on my podcast, and this is so true, okay? It's like people have intuition, right? And like when you include lying in any kind of situation, especially polyamorous, where it's supposed to be totally open and

everything's on the up and upright, like that's like the number one rule and that's what he talked about. when you lie about anything, even if it is like that, like you're really like in love with the other person or whatever. Like, I think that fuels and feeds any kind of jealousy and makes it 10 times worse as opposed to the opposite, which is the reason why people do stuff like that. They think like that's going to keep it under control. But women have, and men too, like have like, we have like psychic vibes. Like we pick up on shit. You know what I mean? Like.

Yeah. And it freaks you out. And it makes you fucking crazy. you know what I mean and it only makes matters worse and I think it's like really interesting I wish we could get him on a three way or maybe I'll have a part two with him call him out that like I think he talked about how like you know just being open and honest was the number one rule in those kind of relationships and he wasn't honest with her about you because like was it the fact that you guys were like we're falling in love or we're in love or I don't think it was that I think I mean I think he told you a lot about their story but essentially they never really vetted each other to be primary partners. They were both like kind of side pieces or just friends with benefits. And both of their main relationships that they lived with those people fell apart. And they just naturally became each other's primary boyfriend and girlfriend.

Right. I remember that. So when I came along, like our first month of dating, it seemed like his girlfriend had a crisis every time he and I had a date scheduled. And I called him out on that. And I said, fine, I respect you, if you really need to cancel this date and go hang out, do whatever for her, do it. But you need to tell her you canceled a date. You can't just be on call for her freakouts.

If you canceled plans with somebody to be there for her, it's going to mean more to her, I think, that, oh, my boyfriend cares about me so much that he would cancel this other date he had to be with me. Maybe she needed that, you know what I mean? Like maybe that's what she wanted and maybe that's what she thought being primary would be all about, right? No? I guess that's for me, yeah. But she, I mean, essentially, she wanted to know nothing about me. She didn't want me to exist. It got to the point where he wasn't allowed to like mention my name or say he was hanging out with me.

But then she'd do weird stuff. Like, are you coming to my police? night and he'd be like no i'm gonna stay in town and she'd you know be like who are you seeing he she like pulled him he wasn't like he was allowed to see me but not talk about me and this weird control kind of stuff well she obviously you know what it was is she wasn't being truthful with him and the the worst thing is she wasn't being truthful with herself like she was obviously in a situation that she could not deal with you know what i mean like obviously she had an issue, maybe in her other relationship where she had another person, you know, it was different

because maybe she had like more security under her belt with that as a primary person with that other person. Maybe she was with them for a lot longer. But well, they lived together. So yeah, it's a difference that aspect. But you know, to be honest, Rob was not being transparent with her about our sex life. What in what sense? I mean, she knew you were. were having sex, right? Yeah. Essentially, he and I were not using protection. And I was okay with that. I knew they weren't either. And I knew that she at the time didn't have any other partners. And I didn't either. So I was comfortable with that. But after that started happening, I was like, you've told her, right? Like, she needs to know. And he never told her. He didn't tell her until like two or three weeks.

after he and I broke up where she finally told him he wasn't allowed to speak to me or have any contact with me at all. And what would be the point of telling her then? You know what I mean? Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, at that point, like, why even bother saying it if you've lied the whole time? Now you just make yourself look like an asshole. Well, because they, like, she basically all but gave him an ultimatum.

She essentially said, I, like, we need to be monogamous or we can't be together. Right. And so I said like if you're going to do the monogamy thing, if you're going to start off with a clean slate, you need to come clean to her about all the stuff you should have come clean to her about. Not necessarily. I mean, I would say no. I wouldn't say that that's the truth. I would, if he was my friend, I would have told him, don't fucking tell her anything that you were. Because when you come clean, what you're saying ultimately is I've been lying and you can't trust me.

and who wants to get into a monogamous relationship with somebody that has been looking you in the face and lying, you know, that just kills a situation. I get why some people think that that's like the best thing, but it's really not, if you ask me. Well,

she had already caught him doing that. Doing what? Essentially, he, after, it's whatever long ago, six weeks ago or something, you know,

he told me, look, I'm going to be monogamous with her because she's twisting herself up about trying to be okay with you and I. and it's not working. And that's the choice I'm making, which did really floor me

because for the last couple months when things started coming up, he said, you know, I would, if she asked me to do that, I wouldn't. It's compromising who I am, but then he did.

Yeah, and that's hard for you to swallow. Right. And it's hard for me because in the beginning of us dating, he called me out. He said, look, I don't even know if you like me. And I said,

well, dude, you have a girlfriend who's really freaking needy. like, I don't want to like you. Like, I don't want to develop feelings for you. Right. And he convinced me, like, I could trust him and it was okay and all this stuff when it wasn't. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he sounds kind of like a little bit of like a typical guy.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, like, you know, like, you know, like, we all in life want to find like something that like exists that's like perfect and different than like what we know to be reality, which is like, you know, guys could suck. I mean, people could suck, right? And so you think, okay, I'm going to be. I'm going to do polyamory, right? And probably in that world, everything's perfect and the guys are like super cool and honest, right?

And it turns out he's just like a regular fucking dude. Yeah, totally. Right? It did get to the point, though, even after he and I were no longer romantic and she supported us just being friends. He and I hung out a few times, like, got lunched as just friends. And he never told her. So I found out much later because I started getting fuck you text from her.

Like every time. How old are you guys? I mean, you guys are not 15, right? I mean, No, we were all in our 30s. Right, right. It's sad when it resorts. Like,

it's sad for everybody in situations. Like, especially her because she's like at that point, she's like lost control. Like what are you doing, you know, texting another girl, fuck you.

And then you're getting that on your end and you don't even know that he's like lying. And it's just a big fat mess. Right. And it's all kind of. A lot of it is his responsibility, right? And he's kind of playing you both in a way. You know, that's what's really fucked up. You both are having like normal feelings, you know?

Like, listen, I don't think that she's right for what she did, but like you could kind of understand, right? The sad thing is that I think people aren't really honest with themselves. You know, she couldn't fucking handle it for whatever reason, you know? And instead of sort of being honest about. that up front, she tortured herself and dealt with it and tried, like you said, all these weird ways to control the situation because she was trying to be okay with something that she was just not okay with, you know? And then eventually when she said, no, I can't deal. You have to be

monogamous. He was still lying to her. And then you're in a terrible position because you're, like sitting there, like you said, like you had your guard up because you sort of felt like this situation was not that stable, right? But he kept sort of playing you. And he, he kept sort of playing you and telling you to let your guard down and you probably did and then you fell for him and then he's like oh now I'm going to go be monogamous to her which is like total rejection. Pretty much. Yep. Yeah. And that, you know, and it's just like I said, I just think he's kind of like, you know, a douchey guy. You know? Yeah. And I have been in her situation before in one way or another.

Well, let's start with you. Let's like go from there because I don't want to focus too much about that's, I mean, that thing just got into a mess. And I know that you said in your email to me, like, it just devastated you and sent you down a path of, like, probably getting, like, back hooked on, like, things because you were an addict maybe previously when you were younger and you went to rehab and you've been sort of, like, fell off the wagon the past six months. So let's, like, get into your stuff, right? Sure.

Let's start when you're 15. We have, you know, an hour. I mean, because like this plays into the story. Like when you were 15, you went into rehab, right? Because you had what kind of problem? What did you have a problem with at 15 that you wanted to rehab for? Essentially, you know, I'm still trying to unravel this, which is hilarious, like 16 years later. But my parents got divorced when I was 13 and there was a lot of rocky years leading up to that.

And I was this over-sensitive child who played family therapy. and family caretaker and was there, you know, for all of it. Were you the only child or no? No, I have one full-blood younger sister. So I was kind of the person where there wasn't enough space for me to express emotions and I had to make sure everybody else was okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when my mom moved into her own place when I was 13,

essentially the Peruvian immigrant who helped her move all her boxes in like never left and he is like a raging alcoholic a violent drunk oh god

and this was like right after she divorced your father like this is like the guy literally right my dad had his own like anger and depression issues he was definitely a porn addict I remember at 12 one day the family computer the desktop got

saved over as like a woman and two dudes in a porn scene. And I was like 12. So I wrote my dad like a hate note about how disgusting he is. Oh my God. Yeah. Just a lot. Yeah. So in my dad was definitely like depressed.

And his brother had died from brain cancer and he was 42. So my dad like was just dealing with all that. He grew up in New York and was in the whole drug scene in the 70s in New York City. So, you know, years later, without therapy, stuff can come back up. But for my mom, she thought this drunk who was a great guy, you know, six days out of the week, was a better influence than my dad who was mediocrely an asshole all the time. Right, right. I mean, she didn't step up. Right. And I think I always felt abandoned. It was like me, my sister and my mom, like, survived my dad. We were going to like make it in the world together. And then poof, as soon as soon.

As soon as before we even get a new house and get settled, there's alcoholic dude. Right. And when you say he was violent, was it to your mother? Was it to you guys or was it to all of you? It was to my mom. There were times where he'd like, you know, his thing was if he ever drank hard shit, then he would get violent. So you'd hear an argument and you'd find him like trying to strangle my mom with a shower curtain.

I kicked him out at knife point a few times between the ages of 13 and 15. Meaning like he had the knife and you like got it away from him or he was like hitting your mom and you went in with the knife. Yeah, he was like hitting like being violent with my mom and I would like grab a kitchen knife and just totally rage like get the fuck out like really mama bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what would he do when you have the knife with that? like stop him in his tracks? He would try, he would just do the alcoholic thing of like,

oh baby, I don't mean that or whatever, whatever, whatever I would get him out. But, you know, in that respect, I was like the man of that house too.

Yeah, totally. I mean, right, coming from when, you know, you're with your parents and holding their shit together as well.

Right. And now you're trying to help her from, you know, another man that's abusing her. Right. And my dad was basically everything but physically abusive to my mom. As a kid, I recall, like, they would be fighting all night. And my sister, who was like five and I was 12, we'd end up, like, going, walking the streets basically at like midnight just to get out of the house. Wow. And we'd get back at two in the morning and they'd still be fighting and they would never know we left.

Oh my God. That's heavy shit to go down. And so did you like pick up alcohol or something that's like at that at 15 they'd, put you in rehab? Essentially, once my, like, once it became a parent that my mom was not going to kick him out for the benefit of me and my sister, I just got invested in, like, the druggie community of high school. I think between my eighth and ninth grade year, I decided like, well, I'm adult now. I have my period now. I'm going to, um, drink and smoke pot and have sex before I go to high school, so I'm like ready for that. And I did all of those things and just hung out with the druggie kids who were all from broken homes, who were all having sex at an early age to feel some kind of love.

Yeah, it's all acting out. Yeah, totally. And I realize now it's like even with being blackout drunk or on whatever at that age, my friends like took care of me in a nurturing way that I wasn't getting at home. Yeah, totally. I remember like I did I had this you know, bad childhood and was like acted out all that stuff. And I remember my parents always being like, oh, you like your friends better than your family. Like what's with it. You know. And but like at that time in my life like that's all like what parents would understand is when you have like a trouble like life like your friends are all you have. You know what I mean? It's like my friends were very important to me because it's all I had because I didn't have that place at home that other people have. Right. And same thing for you. And that's what happens to people. So. So their friends become like their family. It's like your family. That's the only place you go where you feel accepted and you could be yourself.

So you start acting out. What kind of drugs and stuff were you taking? There was a lot of pot. There was a lot of alcohol and like. And you were blacking out. Yeah, that's like dumb alcohol. Like, you know, cult 45 double months. Yeah, anything you can get your hands on because you can't go pick and choose for yourself, right?

Because you can't walk in a. in a store, right? So it's like you drink whatever you could get. And there was definitely like some Coke and some PCP and some ecstasy and some acid and shrooms in there too. And I was definitely like stealing money from my parents or we all all us kids because we were kids would like forget all the change out of the couch cushions and try. Totally. So like the ghetto so we could buy a little dime bag of whatever. Yeah, right.

So how does like your parents, your mom are like who, who, because I mean, it sounds like she's kind of like a mess. Like how does she realize that you need help or did you go to them? Like who's the one that was like, oh God, like she's out of control and needs to go to rehab? Essentially on my 15th birthday, my boyfriend at the time was sick of me mooching his pot. And so he bought me my own bag of pot, which was the first time I had my own stuff. And that night my stepdad went through my coat and found it. This Peruvian guy that is like beating the shit of your mom and he's a total alcoholic. He finds a little bit of weed in your in your...

Right. And it's like a bud and a cigarette cellophane. Yeah. But my parents said either you have to go get a drug evaluation from a therapist or we're going to go to the cops. Mm-hmm. Which in retrospect, I mean, I'm glad I went to rehab, it changed my life. I wouldn't be the person I am now, but I was 15. Like, I would have gotten, like, community service, and that was it for, like, a grandma pot, but I didn't know that.

Right. You think you're going to jail, you know, when you're young like that. Right. So I went to the evaluation, and I told the truth, which, again, I didn't know you were allowed to lie. Mm-hmm. But I told the truth. And I, like, how much pot are you smoking? I'm like, I don't know, like, a joint a day.

And on weekends, if somebody has E or somebody has coat or whatever's around, like, that. But I was like to be honest at that time all of my friends were doing way heavier shit than me and a lot more. I was doing basically the bare minimum to hang out with the druggies. But that's still like very addict mindset. And the drug evaluation said, okay, you need to do like 28 days inpatient. And I did. I don't remember much between when they told me and when I got there. but I went to like juvie girls

narcotics rehab how was it um it was really uh it was pivotal I mean you said it changed your life for the better but like when you were there

actually experiencing it were you like super rebellious to what was going on were you like oh I'm here I'll make the best of it like were the girls cool were they fucking assholes like what was the scene um basically you had everybody there from your e tards to your coke heads to your meth heads and you know truthfully i think we are all just like from broken homes and couldn't we're trying to fill all our holes with anything but love um and you know this sounds kind of narcissistic of me but i fancy myself as an intelligent person and i just learned the

rules. Oh, you guys want me to like go to meetings and do 12 steps and and have a spiritual awakening. I need to do this shit to get out of here. Fine. Done. Got it. And I became like wing captain. I got to assign chores. I was like in charge of stuff. Right. I know I learned the game. Right. And like you said, you wanted to get the hell out. You're smart. Right. I mean, that's really smart. It taught me a few things. It taught me that I'm the only person responsible for myself and for my happiness. It also taught me if you can maintain the appearance of success, you can get away with as crazy as you want to be on the inside.

Right, which might not be such a great thing to learn. Because eventually, I do believe that that comes out. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Totally. But I did have a spiritual awakening. I was kind of anti-anything, you know, wasn't really raised in a religious household is most people who have addicts. I think my mom was a love addict. Definitely. My dad's a porn addict. My stepdad's an alcoholic. So I don't even, I didn't even know what spirituality or a healthy relationship was at the time. And I found Taoism. I found like the Ying and the yang, light and dark, the duality necessary for unity. I was reading the Tao Te Ching. And I was like 15 and just a total kind of Taoist nerd.

Right. And that became like something that really probably helped you in a difficult time where all you had was yourself to get you out of this like difficult time, right? And that's something that I think really helps. I mean, it's a good thing for sure. Yeah. And did you stick with that for just to this day? Sort of. I think my spirituality has evolved. But immediately after. Rehab, I, you know, bought into the people, changed people places, things. So I decided to go to Catholic school and I realized I was using drugs to get out of my house. So I ended up getting three part-time jobs to fill my time up. And in that, I saved, I also realized that I don't have to listen to my parents if I don't rely on them for finances. Right. So within the next two years I save enough money to move out of the house and to be financially independent. And my grades improved. When I went into rehab, my plan was like going to Votech as a graphic

designer and like college isn't for me. And my SAT scores were shit. And two years after rehab, you have to apply to one college to like pass the guidance counselor thing out of high school. applied and I got in and I went. So I had sort of turned around. But at the time, when I was right, I was four months out of rehab.

I met what would be my high school sweetheart and the man that I married. Right. And you were with him for a very long time. You said, what is it, 15 to 28? Yeah. So when I...

You got married at 15 or you met him at 15. He got married. a couple years later. I met him at 15. I moved into him in his mom's house when I was 17. And then we got engaged when I was 17 when I moved in. And essentially we lived together until it was 28. Right. And we, that's a whole other story. Well, and I can go into all that, but he essentially was in the 12-step kind of mentality. She became my higher power. All of a sudden, there was this family that cared that we had, like, we cooked dinner together

and had family dinners and how are you and how was your day? And we planned vacations together. It was like what I think a normal family was supposed to be. Him and his mom provided that for me. Yeah, that's great. I mean, this all sounds like an up. time for you between 15 and 28, right? I mean, at some point it goes sort of downhill. I did a, completed a bachelor's and a master's degree. And I decided I wanted to go to graduate school.

And I'm kind of a nerd and I'm in math and science fields. So it seemed like a good idea. And I love doing, like, being out in the field and taking data and stuff. And so I realized I needed a PhD to keep doing that. So I applied to all these different programs and I got into seven of them. And I got invited and paid to interview and travel to all of them. And my fiance at the time was going to come with me. And he wanted to move to a big city. So he came with me to visit the University of Chicago, UCLA.

and the University of Washington. And I ended up interviewing at a lot of other schools as well. And one of the smaller schools in the middle of nowhere, Colorado, according to him, who's from New York City. As soon as I arrived, they said, oh, you have two fellowships. You have a full ride. Everything paid for. You'll make a salary to go to school. And if you join us here, your second semester, you'll be living in Barcelona, Spain,

doing field measurements for the whole semester. Wow. So you were like, oh, I want to be in this small little town. Right. And he was like, okay, like, I don't want you to choose your second choice for me. Like, let's do it. And I ended up then moving to Boulder, Colorado, which, as you know, was not that small of a town. Yeah, no way.

And as I was like looking for houses and this and that for us and that for us he informed me like oh i'm not going with you oh and at the time he wasn't in school didn't have a job and he moved to his best friend's apartment and storia with a bullet mattress right and i moved to boulder and that really broke my heart like uh what he didn't he never told you until like i mean like when you were making all your plans and everything like i mean how soon after you had said hey i'm like moving there did he say, oh, by the way, I'm not going with you? Essentially, in the whole discussions, it was a wee discussion. Yeah.

And he was the one who said, like, well, let's just go to Boulder. Right. So for a while, he was really sort of alluding to the fact that he was going with you. But he must have changed his mind at some point and then just informed you. Right. Yeah. So I moved out there and we were in a long-distance relationship for nine months. Mm-hmm.

And I ended up cheating on him within nine months with another guy in my program who was also in a long distance engagement. And we thought it was like safe to hang out with each other because we were both going to do the same thing. And we ended up getting drunk one night and like banging all night long to the point where like the food time was flipped over and the bed was in the middle of the floor and you wake up in the kitchen. Right, well, I always talk about how like cheating sex is always like really good. Yeah, and it is. And, you know, I hadn't had an orgasm with my partner for maybe like a year prior to that. So I was like, whoa. And your sexuality really develops between age of 15 and 25 or however old I was then.

Wait, that guy had never made you come in the last year? Like he had made you come the whole time and then the last year he hadn't? Not, like, we never really had that much sexual chemistry, to be honest with you. It was always this, like, forced kind of like, well, this is what people who are dating do for both of us. And I just thought that's, like, how it was. And I had had sex before I was, before I went to rehab, I was, like, into taking for this. Our, like, I want to live in infamy for this person. Right.

Thing. And this is the first, he was the first guy he dated that wasn't a virgin. He was the first guy who, I think we waited like six months after saying we were boyfriend and girlfriend to have sex. And so I just thought that's how like relationship sex was because I'd never been in one before. Right, right, right. Until, you know, then I cheat on him and have like this amazing, crazy, whoa situation. Right, with this new guy who's also cheating on his girl, long distance girl, right? Did you guys wind up dating you and that guy?

Or what happens after the cheating? Do you tell? So I, this, the guy I cheated with, he, like the next day he moved to Greenland for the summer because he was a researcher too. And I had a breakdown and told my fiancé. And what a second, though, I mean, you said you were drinking. Like, when you got out of rehab, did you get totally sober or did you just quit drugs and you were still drinking?

Like, what was your deal? I was totally sober for about four or five months. And then slowly I started smoking some pot. And then slowly started like drinking like wine or like fruity mixed drinks or something like that. Right. So you kind of like took it easy. You thought you were like controlling it? Right.

And to be, you know, to honest, my, like the last. six months before I got cleaning in just recently, it was really controlled. Right. It worked. You were okay. It didn't look the same. Right. And I think you said in another episode, like, you know you have a problem when you stop

and all your shit starts. And that's kind of how it's been for me. Right, right, right. So maybe you just, well, we'll get to that when you have your breakdown in the story. But so let's keep to the chronological order. So you wind up telling you. your guy that you cheated on him. But it was also like in graduate school then, there was a lot more drinking.

I drank a lot more in graduate school than before because I'm new. I just moved across the country. Everyone parties in college too, just the way that's. Yeah. And it's like happy hours and all that kind of stuff. So it did get to the point where I was, you know, having more than three drinks like every other night with roommates and friends. And it wasn't, it didn't feel the same.

as using drugs when I was a traumatized teenager. So I didn't think twice about it. Yeah. You're having fun. So I got really, really drunk to the point where I hysterically confessed my cheating on sins to some friends. And that was just, I mean, that is one example, a good example of me, just like actually having an alcohol problem because I think we had a couple friends over and I just got trashed. I was drinking at this thing I had done. This fuck up I had done.

And I think I like tried to make tea and like left the burner on, like melted the teapot. I had somehow propped the back door open and like let my two cats who were indoor cats outside. Right. Like you were a mess, but you were blacked out, right? Yeah. And I was so hysterical that like my friends found me with like no pants on, like peaking on the floor between my bathroom and my bedroom. Right. Totally.

And that's when you confess to them that you've been cheating on your. your husband with these people, this guy? Right. And they were his friends. They were whose friend? The guy I was cheating with friends. Okay. Right.

So were they like, holy shit, I can't believe he's cheating on his wife with you? I don't even know. Okay. But how does it get back to your husband? So I just couldn't live with myself. I think it was probably three weeks after I told my friends. So I was like, okay, I have to tell him. So I told him and we decided to break up.

Mm-hmm. And then I had like a summer of being 25 and single in Boulder. And I was biking everywhere and like got addicted to yoga and going out to all these, you know, electronic music shows. And it was totally doing a like Boulder, you know, drinking and single thing that I had never done before because I was, you know, in a relationship from 15 to 25. Mm-hmm. and my ex-fiance flew out when I didn't want him to and essentially gave me an ultimatum and said either I dropped my life and I move here or we never speak again. Right. And I said, well, I'm willing to try if you're willing to try to. So we decided that we weren't in a committed relationship until he moved out there.

I was going on a field project in the fall, so we were going to plan it during that, and he was going to move at some point after that. Because I hadn't had an orgasm with him and suddenly did with this dude and was single all summer, I was doing all kinds of people in all kinds of situations. Behind his back or until he got there. Right. And we kind of agreed like, oh, we're not in a serious relationship until he moves out. So I took that as like free reign.

Right, to have fun. knowing I was going on this field project and then he was eventually going to move here. I had sex like every night of the week with probably somebody different up until like the day I left. While I was on this field project, he took it upon himself to surprise me and move out without me knowing it. Which felt kind of violating. Well, how much sooner was it? Essentially, we were going to start discussing like how and when and timelines when I got back. And he just took it upon himself to move out and got with my roommates and moved out without me knowing it.

Right. He must have known there was other dick like getting involved with him. He wanted to stop that. Because I was, I was semi-transparent. I was like, okay, well, like, I've been kind of seeing a few people. Oh, my God. I want to do this with you. And he hadn't.

Oh, my God. You made him so crazy. He came running. You should see, this is where you weren't so smart. You should have not told him anything that he would have stayed home. And you would have had a couple more months of pleasure without him. So he moves out. I get back in like October.

He'd been there since, you know, the end of September. And within six weeks of him living there and us just trying to figure out if we could work, he decided to get a construction job, even though he got into a graduate degree program that was going to start in a few months. He just wanted to have a job, get some money, like contribute. And he ended up falling off of a three-story building and breaking his spine. You're kidding. Like, does he wind up, like, in a wheelchair quadriplegic person? He is, to this day, technically, a paraplegic.

You are kidding. And so he got rushed into spine-fusing surgery. I lived in the hospital with him for over a month. his employer told him in the ER that oh you're an independent contractor I don't have workers comp for you we got a bunch of lawyers in the hospital they rejected our case it was pretty bad I mean even going into the surgery the doctor said like we don't know like we can't give him enough drugs to numb what's going on the pain right we don't know if we could go in there and like just us going in there could kill him.

We don't have no idea what's happening. Was he able to talk at this point? He was, he did not go unconscious and he could still like kind of move his hands, but like that was it. Oh my God. And he shattered his L1. I don't know what that means, but that's bad, I'm assuming. Yeah, and a piece of it got like wedged into his spinal, his nerve spinal column. Mm-hmm.

And basically bruised and severed. nerves to like below the knee. Oh God. And so he never recouped from that. Um, he, like he's, he can walk now, but like you can kind of tell.

Well, what's the difference between power, what's a paraplegic? Like, what's the definition? Like quadriplegic is like, you're in a wheelchair. You can't move.

Like that's the deal. Like quadriplegic, what does that, what does that mean? So he has, I think he's got 42% full body impairment. So basically paraplegic means a number of muscles in your two lower extremities, your legs, no longer function.

So he's got to use like those crutches, those kind of things, right? And he's got those things on his legs? No, he's what they call a walker in the community. So he learned how to walk. But he like kind of walks a little funny. Yeah, but the fact that I mean, I'd rather walk funny than not walk at all. like that's amazing that he was able to do that. Yeah, he made a really big recovery.

It was pretty intense. I essentially took a semester off of grad school. You're living on my student loans. I could imagine. That's hardcore. I mean, that's not something that typically happens in people's lives. You know what I mean?

Like, it's not something that most people will ever have to deal with, you know, whether it's them or somebody close to them, let alone their husband, you know? Well, and he had, I mean, at the time,

we weren't even engaged. he had just moved out six weeks beforehand. Oh, so you wind up marrying him after this? You're not even married at the time? No. Not yet? Oh, okay. And none of his family came out.

He had just moved out and I had no family out here. What do you mean his family? Like the mother that let you live that took you in? Like she didn't even come to see her son? No. You got to be kidding me. I don't even want to get into that. That's a little weird.

Was there a reason for it? Does she not have money? I don't really know exactly why. lie. That's really sad. People ask me years later, like, don't you resent her? I'm like, not really. Like, I just did, people are like, oh my God, you're such a good woman for sticking by him. It was like, I didn't really have a choice. Like it was, you know, this like this happens and you got to do it. But in typical sort of upbringing as a caretaker, you don't even ask yourself how you feel until that person is like stably alive. Right. You went into that mode. I mean, it's weird. It's

it's like, you know, if you really think about your life and we all have patterns, right? And And it's just like that's like all of a sudden you're back into your pattern. Like that's who you, that's who you sort of become, right? That's what you step up to. You're the person taking care of everybody else and not even thinking about yourself, right? So in that mode, this guy, this poor guy doesn't even have his family at the time. So you give up all your stuff.

And it's just like you're, you know, back to being 13 and taking care of your family again. Same shit, right? In a way. Pretty much. Yeah. And because he didn't have insurance, he essentially got released. a month after being in the trauma ward to the care of no doctors.

I can't even handle shit like that. I think it's terrible. So you wind up living with a caregiver. Yeah, I was his primary caregiver. It was during the whole like Obamacare debates in the Senate. Right. I almost wrote like the Huffington Post a whole article about how like here's this guy who's 27 years old.

Right. This is America. His employer illegally does not have workers' comp. here they're saying, oh, like, yeah, I can't say, I can't get into that kind of stuff. But this is what's so fascinating, and I don't like talking about something like it's so complicated. What I love, though, is that, like, you know, you're the person that is his primary caretaker and you and him together, like, I mean, this guy had a really positive outcome, like better than most people, like you said. I mean, you know, so obviously, you know, you were a great caretaker. And he was super strong, considering he didn't

have many people around him supporting him, that he was able to learn how to walk again and really come through it. Not, you know, not 100% okay, but a lot better than probably most people would, you know, having suffered the same sort of injury, right? Totally. But he does live in constant pain. I think below his knees, or it feels like when one of your limbs falls asleep and it's like waking up and it feels like pins and needles.

Right. All the time for him. Right. So when do you wind up marrying him? So that was 2009. 2011 and we're still living together. Were you still cheating on him? Let me ask you this.

Was this like dick working the whole time or did it not work? Like was that a muscle that was affected? The funny thing is after his injury, he was like way more sensitive. Like he would last zero amount of time in bed. But let me ask you this. Like one he was like sort of in bed and couldn't even walk and stuff like would you, you know, have sex with him because like, you know, he's horny. I mean, right?

Um, we would. maybe like three times over that whole period. Right. Okay. So you helped him out in that way too. Right. And, you know, what's really sick and twisted is that the first week we had moved back home from the hospital.

I had a conference for my research in San Francisco. So I went and I ended up drunkenly hooking up with the same guy that I cheated on him with. I hope you never went back and told him. that. Please don't say you did. No, I don't think he knows. Yeah, he did. He should never know.

Stop. Poor guy. Leave him alone. Later, me and my husband and this guy, the guy cheated on with. Yeah. He got married. His fiance moved out. And the four of us share a duplex together.

Oh, my God. And your guy knew that you were with this guy at one point. Everybody knew except for this guy's wife. Right. Right, right, right. But it was cool. Were you cheating on him even then, or did you, did it eventually end between you two? Essentially, this, that guy and I did not sleep together again until like three months ago.

Okay, that's fine. Just don't please don't ever tell you that other guy. Like, there's no reason for him to know. Right, right. No, I know. So my ex and I essentially After We first broke up when I first cheated on him

I'd never had an orgasm with him again Even though he became super sensitive And maybe like better and better Or maybe it wasn't good because he was too quick at that point You know I in my opinion Every man Either you're born with it or you need a good woman to teach you what you're doing And since I started dating him when I was 15

I never taught him what to do. Mm-hmm. So he was clueless. He just wasn't good? Or do you think maybe he just didn't have chemistry with him? We just didn't have chemistry and he never like had to be good. You know, I wasn't going to like leave him because he wasn't good. I was just cheating on him.

Right. So about every three months I would like just like get drunk and end up screwing somebody. Just to get just because you were just to get your needs met. I mean, that was like it was apparently a sexual thing because he wasn't satisfying but you stayed with him. I guess it's hard like to walk away from somebody who like has been through something like that physically, right? Like I mean, emotionally you probably really loved him as a person, right?

He definitely was my best friend, my roommate, part of my family. I'd been with him 10 years. But my mom said this after we got divorced. She said, you know, as soon as I heard he got injured, her first thought was, oh no, you're going to stay with him. because you have no option now. And the truth is I didn't even, after essentially in 2011,

we decided to get married because we said, well, what the hell? We've been together for 10 years. We made it through all this shit. Let's throw a party. Right. But at that point,

you're not having like good sex with him, like you're cheating on him all the time. Oh, yeah. I was living in that fantasy world of only when fill in the blank happens, then it'll be good. Only when we get our own house and get married. Yeah. Awesome married people.

people said. Yeah, news flash. That's like a woman thing. Women, I don't think men have this as much as women, but we have like, like, even if there's a 1% hope chance that something could change or things could get better, like we'd hold on to that. You know, for a lot of times for like years, women could like live off of 1% hope for years, right? You see it all the time. I think it's just in our DNA because we all have it, you know? So you were there hopeful that something was going to change, but cheating. I'm, um, How did you guys get divorced? Like what was the thing that happened that gave you the courage to be like, you know what? This really isn't working. It was kind of twofold. I had finished my PhD and was getting ready to postdoc somewhere. And he essentially said, look, I'm not following you. I followed you here.

Like this next one's on me. Yeah. Look where that got him. No, I'm so good. And my PhD isn't a very specified field. There's like three places in the U.S. I could work. And it's all kind of academic based.

And then also at the same time, somebody who I was in a spiritual circle with years prior came back into my life. And this guy's like in his younger 40s, has done all sorts of Buddhist meditation. And essentially we got into like a spiritual tantric sexual relationship. Oh, for your poor guy. He was history. And I was just like, oh my God. Like this is pop.

Like I can see the birth of the universe in an orgasm and like melt with a person and Right. And he just, this guy just did, you know, he would like draw me a bath while cooking dinner and, you know, almost just the, I've never been. And you were doing this like on the side, right? Totally. Yeah. Right. Okay.

So you wound up meeting somebody else is really a part of what gave you the courage to leave someone that you really connected with. I connected with in a spiritual way, but at no point did I like want to be this guy's girlfriend. Mm-hmm. But you also connected with them sexually too. Right. And so at that point, for me, it was like, it is worth the risk. Like, the more and more things I get when I say, oh, if fill in the blank happens, the more lonely and depressed I am. You know, I got to the point where he and I lived in a mansion, an open space.

He had a master suite and a balcony and, you know, a sunken tub and all of the things. And I felt more alone than I ever had my whole life. Who got that? Did he get a lot of money in a settlement? were you making the cash? Like who had that, who was able to get that mansion, quote unquote? I had become a contractor

and made decent money. And then he, with his settlement money, which he eventually found a lawyer that... How much did he get? Like millions, 100, like the six figures? Like a high six figures? He got like $90,000. That's it?

Because Colorado is not a union state. That's it? 90,000? I mean, that's not even like a year's worth of, cash. Right. So he paid off all of his student loans and then he bought all of the equipment to start a record studio.

Okay. So he runs a record label now. We rented this huge house. Is he successful? He's sort of successful. Okay, that's cool. So we rented this huge house and the whole basement was like a recording studio and all

of that. So that's how that all happened. So you had all that and you're still like not happy because you weren't happy inside. I mean, like, and that's like, you know, a lot of people, I think, come to that realization that, like, the things outside of yourself don't make you happy. It's like you have to be happy within. And, uh, you didn't, you didn't, you hadn't found that yet in your life. I mean, you were probably happy with like your career and all that stuff, right? But emotionally, right? It just wasn't. Right. Right. And it just felt like that same like I was like,

sticking through it to like not hurt somebody else. Yeah. Like I said, though. So you're pattern. You're still that 15, you know, that little girl. I mean, it's happened before you're 15. You're still that little girl taking care of everybody but yourself. Right. So eventually we got in some stupid fight because whatever, we don't need to get into the fight. I actually refused to have sex with him, I think, because it was like traumatizing and he kicked me to the spare bedroom. And like a day later, he's like, come back. And I'm like, fuck you. You don't tell him what to do. And so I never came back. and he started online dating before we ever talked about being separated or allowed to do that. Well, whatever.

I mean, at this point, you had been cheating on him so much. Like, give the guy a break. So I moved out. Yeah. I mean, that was lucky for you. Like, that was probably the best thing he did because you really needed him to be a douchebag for you to be able to say, I'm leaving you, right? Because as long as he was being cool, like, you had no reason. Like, you couldn't.

So that was like the group, that was like very good for you. Right. And, you know, the funny thing. is though, he within, he basically within a month, he got the first girl he met on OkCupid pregnant. Oh wow.

Good for, well, I was going to say good for him. He didn't know the rules. It was like the third woman he's ever slept with in his whole life. Right. Well, you didn't teach him, remember? You said you blame it on yourself. Yeah. Well, is he happy with that girl and his baby, his child? I want to say yes, but

like he only found out they were pregnant when he went to break up with her, break it off after like a month of dating. But they stay together, I'm assuming, because she had the baby? Yeah. Yeah. He's got his own whole history. Like his dad was a heroin addict and left him.

Oh, right. So maybe he's dating another you. She's probably cheating behind his back, but she's dating with him, you know. Well, she hates me. She sends me hate messages every now and then, even though I've never met this woman. Right. Yeah. So, anyway, he's got to you because, yeah.

Somewhere. So you leave him, right? How do you start to become like a polyamorous person that you meet this guy that fucking dumped you? So I moved to Tucson and I was online dating. I hadn't really been like actually single, single ever before. And I'm 28 or 29 at the time. Right.

And I get on OKCupid, they do that little personality quiz thing. And it turned out like my top five highest. matches were all polyamorous guys. Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, you know, like, okay, I don't, I have this thing right. I don't know who I am sexually. So you let okay, Cupid decide. Yeah, I don't know who I am sexually.

I don't know if I'm into men or women. I don't know if I, like, getting beat up. I don't know what I'm like. Because you have been doing all those things. I mean, I feel like we're not going to have time to get into all of it. But, like, is when you say, like, I didn't know if I was into man or women or getting beat up? Because, like, is that all those things that you had tried in all those years of you

cheating? No, I haven't. Oh, okay, but maybe they were on your mind. Well, I just, yeah, I didn't know. Okay. So I, since most of the guys I matched us were in the polyamory community in Tucson, I was like, okay, like, maybe I am. And like, I was in this place where, like, I don't want to put all my love and trust in one human being. Like, I've done that, like, life after the American dream.

Mm-hmm. And I have the science side and I have this artistic. artistic side and, you know, maybe I need two boyfriends, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even though, like, I mean, I would say that, like, your relationship with that guy was not the American dream. It was a relationship that was never that great. You were with somebody that you probably really liked as like a person, but you weren't

really in real romantic love with him, probably ever. And you never really had real intimacy with him because you always had other people in your life. So you kind of were polyamorous the whole time. In a way, he just didn't know it, you know. Right. So it's just like, you know, you were sort of figuring yourself out for the first time. I mean, like, maybe, you know, you weren't like, what my point is that it's not like you had this like amazing relationship with a person that lasted for 15 years.

That was like really great and everything that you could imagine. You know, because some people do have that, right? And then you got out of it and were like, wow, like, maybe that's not for me. You know, you were like in a bad relationship. So of course you're going to say like, hey, if that's what relationships are, right? Because at that point, that's what you, that's all you know. ever experienced. Like, let me try something totally different.

Right. I will say, though, we had the, people had the perception that we had the perfect relationship. Of course. This is because everybody looks at things from the cervix. Nobody talks to people like, like I'm talking to you now. You know what I mean? Like, nobody's interviewing people. And, you know, that's what's so fucked up about social media nowadays.

You know, and people are like killing themselves because I think they're looking at everyone else and thinking everyone else is so happy. And nobody really knows the truth. Most people's life, you know, is up and down. And it's a lot of times that's not. as great as it seems, you know, and that's just the truth. But, you know, everyone's putting on a fucking facade and people buy into that. Sad, but because like I said, I think a lot of people feel less than because of that. Because people aren't so honest, right? You know, you could have,

maybe that relationship could have been two years if you guys were both honest with yourself that this wasn't really right, but it lasted like, what, almost 15 years, you know? Right, right. Oh, yeah. And I should have just, I don't know. I didn't give myself permission to have my own feelings. Well, that's because, you know, listen, the sad thing is, for you is that, you know, you had learned that a long time ago. I mean, the problem, you know, that was just you living out your story, right, that you learned as a really young girl. Like, that's your issue. You know, that's your thing. Totally. You know, how are you going to, and when, whenever we're in our thing and everyone has a different story that they sort of was told to them

when they were little and then they fucking played out, you know, and whenever you're in that thing, it's really, really super hard to get out of. You know what I mean? No matter how it feels, even if it feels to slightly depress or what you know it's like um we all sort of say and like maybe i didn't stay with one person living out my story i did like 50 guys but it was the same thing it was no different than yours i mean i was in the same fucking thing over and over again you know what i mean doing the same thing so you were still you know trying to you know sort of do what you did when you were younger so anyway so you so now i i lived in tithon for a year dated a bunch of do from the internet. Nothing super panned out. I moved back to Colorado for another job.

And in Tucson, I instantly made friends and there's this whole polyamorous community of like young 30-something attractive people. I moved to Denver and I just didn't really make friends. And I was just like Tinder dating myself into whatever. And that also meant a lot of drinking. Because they would go hand in hand. Like, I would have three, four, or five drinks on a new Tinder date and sleep with a guy, even though, like, I didn't even like the dude. It was to, like, feel valuable or worthy. And I met Rob through that. And he pursued me. And me and his girlfriend had actually been friends on Facebook from a long time ago when I lived in Boulder. And he's like, how do you know my girlfriend?

And, you know, he asked me out and, you know, pursued dating me as more than friends with benefits. And during that time, I was, I think one night I had like three Tinder dates in one night. And by the end of the night, I was drunk as fuck and drove to whoever's house and fuck them and never talked to them again. And it turns out they happen to be a roommate of another ex-boyfriend. And that made it more interesting. And I slept again, like this guy who I cheated on my ex-husband with visited. He lives in the UK now, visited and we ended up screwing each other. And I think the last couple months before I recently got clean, I had at least two different

occasions had had sex with a guy who was in a committed monogamous relationship. And I was good friends with the woman, like knew her. we had hung out. And was it because you were wasted? Like, was it something that you would have done if you were drinking or was it were you done? I don't, I don't think I would have done it if I wasn't drinking. Right. But I also think I was just like, I had essentially relapse when I moved back to Denver, I think, because I was doing whatever I could to not be alone, to not be with myself. I was, and it was the power thing. Like I mentioned before I went to rehab, I was taking all these

virginities. So, you know, now it was like, oh, like, these guys have way more to lose than me. And I'm, and I'm this, like, secret person that has all the things to offer them that their relationship doesn't. Right. Mm-hmm. And so, um... Well, it was like your way of sort of feeling, like, it was your way of giving yourself, like, some sort of phony sort of strength that you were like, maybe more together than you really were, right? And that was your way of sort of mind fucking yourself, really. And I had, I think at the time, while I was dating Rob, I was probably seeing maybe like four other people on and off. But Rob was like the longest and most consistent in like closest person I had gotten with.

And in the beginning of March, I think three or four, I got broken up with by three or four different guys. And I was the other woman in all of these relationships. Somehow I organized it so that I was the not girlfriend. Yeah, yeah. I know that. Yeah, I've been in that situation before. And I was keeping everybody at arm's length because they didn't want them to get close to me, but then when they left, I still felt abandoned, even though I didn't even let them feel like I liked them. Yeah, you were just torturing yourself. And then Rob broke up with me, and Rob was the only person that I wasn't drinking with,

because he's a sober person. And the love of an addict is the best drug ever. What do you mean, him from him? Yeah, because I do think, like, he was by the, I called him out right about when you guys did the show and said, look, since you've been dating your girlfriend, you've stopped going to meetings, you don't have a sponsor. Like, I was just getting on him and giving him tough love. Like, you're not working your program. But what do you mean by his love was so powerful? Is that what you were saying? Yeah.

Yeah, well, it was like, I, he was the one guy I was with who we were not drinking. So, you know, it was, like, I felt, like, and he is as fucked up as a past as I do. So it was like, we could be real with each other. And I think in our lives, we were the only people not lying to each other. And we were lying to everyone else. Right. He was kind of lying to you, too, by the way. Remember we did talk about how he was lying?

He was, yeah. Yeah, I think he was lying. Yeah. I think he was, he's a little bit of, like I said. And, you know, I like him. He was on my show. Like, but, you know, listen, everybody, when they date somebody, all their shit comes out, right? So it seems like, you know, he was, you know, playing you a little bit.

And I don't think he was as honest as you think. And I think sometimes, like people, players, players, whatever you want to fucking call, you know, they can be, seem intoxicating. Like, you know, your poor paraplegic guy, you know, it doesn't seem so exciting because, like, maybe he's a little more real. a lot of times like these kind of people that are so like I said intoxicating a lot of times it's because they're full of shit on some level right and that was the power thing with him it's like I know that his girlfriend is jealous I know that we're having unprotected sex and you're not telling her and you're the only guy but like I don't have to get fucked up to fuck so you know right so you work that into your mind as thinking like wow like like this is really special and this is really mean something

And then when he was just the perfect drug. Yeah. And then when he turns around and he dumps you, it's just like your drug is taken away. It's just like now you're, you're, I was just as bad the week after he broke up with me. I was like not getting out of my bath or not eating,

crying on my kitchen floor. It was like, it was like right before I went to rehab levels of like depression and withdrawal. And I realized, I think the day, right after he broke up with me, I hung out with my girlfriend. And I probably drank three bottles of wine and drove home.

And I think I probably text him some fucked up shit too. And the next day I realized, holy shit, like I know I can't get up. If I drink tomorrow, I'm going to get on Tinder and fuck somebody new tomorrow. Right. And that is when I was like, okay, that's it. I'm getting an AA. I'm getting in the sex addicts. Like clearly I am a sex and love addict.

I don't know which comes first, alcohol or fucking. but if I'm drinking I'm going to fuck somebody new. Yeah, it's the drinking. Like, that's what I realized for myself when I quit the first time I had to deal with some sort of emotional thing that I couldn't deal with. I immediately, without even thinking, went into my phone. I remember specifically I could see myself in the cab exactly where I was. And I'm looking at my phone and I'm looking through to find the guys that I would sleep with.

And I remember thinking like, but I could never sleep with any of them if I was sober, right? Because I wasn't into any, you know what I mean? And then this feeling of like claustophobia came over me because I'm like, how am I going to get away from this feeling of being vulnerable, of being jealous, of not feeling okay with the situation, of feeling all kinds of bad things. And that's when I really realized like, oh my God, like all that screwing and all that trick. It was just because it was my way of like, you know, if your arm hurts, you bang your knee, right? It's just like it was like creating some other thing to happen so I could get away from pain or any kind of vulnerability or anything that, you know, ultimately felt bad. And that's what addiction I think is about most of the time. And you, like I've said on my podcast, people, and you've heard is like that you don't know that you are doing that. The only way you could tell is when you quit everything and put it aside and when shit comes up, like, how do you feel? How do you handle a bad fucking day or a breakup or devastating news or like a total jealous feeling? You know, what do you, what happens to you? Like,

normal person that is like solid within themselves could be okay with that. It doesn't mean that they don't cry. It doesn't mean that they don't get upset. It doesn't mean that they don't feel terrible. It just means that they could handle those feelings. And addicts can't. That's the difference. That's where I am now. I have I think like 42 days clean. Yeah. But when you said something really funny in your email and I want to be like, oh, please put on some makeup. You're like, I'm like drug and sex and makeup free. There's no reason to go makeup free. Okay. I actually wore makeup this weekend. Good for you. Don't go makeup free. Don't do that. It was my half birthday and I went to like a gala. And I'll look, okay, I have to. But for me, it's a gateway. Like, I realized with the sex stuff, it was,

if I don't feel comfortable around this person, unless I'd put on my face, it's probably not a healthy dynamic. Right. I get it. I get it. It was a part of like your facade, right? It was a part of the Cosmo. It was a part of it. And like, listen, I have to say, as somebody that went totally sober, I've been sober for it's going to be 15 years this year I think 15 or 16 or 4 I think it's 15 But I you know the first year and I've talked about this like you know because for me it was like Drinking it wasn't just a drinking it was like putting on the makeup and the slitty clothes and going out and all the tension Guys and all the feeding of my ego and it's like when I took away all that I'm like what do I have and who the fuck am I and I remember one night Because and I stayed home for a year I just didn't even go out because I didn't know what the fuck to do and it was okay

It was kind of relaxing because I had been partying so much But like I remember one night putting on the music really loud and like taking out my old clothes and like putting on a lot of makeup and putting on one of my slutty outfits and like looking in the mirror and being horrified because like I look like a fucking tranny hooker and I had no place to go and I realized like I can't be this person anymore. And if I can't be this person, who the fuck can I be? And how can I do that? And it's so devastating and it's such a hard thing to get through. And I think that's why so many addicts run back and have relapses because you hit moments like that being sober. And, you know, and those are the hard times. And that's really hard to get through because you don't have. But, you know, over time, you figure things out. So I get the makeup thing. Eventually you'll go back to wearing makeup if you don't need to do it.

Well, and I'm in this place where it hasn't, haven't been sober that long. But I also think because of my history and like knowing sobriety and in this reliance. lapse was very different than what I thought a relapse was going to be. I mean, it was mostly alcohol and sex. Right. And it, you know, it's just a little different than before. But I'm already starting to change. And I think I've recently hung out with a guy who I was seeing and I'm not now.

And it was just this like, I don't even like you. I don't know who I am, but I don't want to do anything like you. And the same with, like, this weekend, I was like grieving who I was. was because I, with this gala, I had a couple options. You know, I could have done the big vamp makeup and all that. And I did and looked at myself like, I can't do this unless I'm drinking. I'm definitely not drinking. That's the whole thing. Right. Wash my face. You know, it's good if you take your time now to sort of stay clean, you know, stay away from that nonsense, try to figure yourself out and, you know, you'll be a lot happier.

I hope so. No, you just. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever said. What do you mean you hope so? Of course, that's the way that if you stays like it will 100%. That's a true fact. And that's like the great thing. It's like working out. Like if you work out like your body will get better.

Like there's, you could only get better. Like you will be calm. It's true. I really, I promise you that. So just keep doing it. But like when you say I hope so, that scares me a little bit. I mean, I do believe it and that's why I'm doing it. But it is.

I think my current problems, well, all of them, but right now I'm just having a hard time giving myself permission to have a good day. Like recently, one of my friends asked like, oh, how was your day? And I was like, eh. I'm like, well, what happened? And it's like, oh, I actually got a really great evaluation at my job. I got my 30-day chip and found a new meeting and found a new yoga class. And she's like, well, then why was your day?

And I'm like, oh, I don't know. I guess that's kind of like as good as a day can get, really. but maybe you're a little depressed you know i mean like listen you just like it's there's a loss like when you get sober like you you it's like a it's like a death of a huge part of you you know and yeah it's depressing it's slightly depressing so i mean are you like you can't when you get on top of yourself like you're feeling like kind of depressed and you're doing all this work and then you're being terrible because you're up to yourself because you're like putting yourself down for not being able to have a good day like give yourself a fucking break maybe you won't have a good day for

little while, you know, and that's okay, you know, but you'll eventually have good days, you know. It's just the way that it is. You're going through a lot. It's a difficult time. True. You know, so I mean, for anybody to say, like, you're not having a good day. Like, what's your problem? They don't fucking get it. You know what I mean? I wouldn't ask you that because I understand, but maybe somebody else doesn't really know, you know what I mean? So you're just, you're going through a difficult time, but like you'll make it through and you don't be, you're, you know, you know, don't add to your problems right now because you're dealing with enough. Do you know what I'm saying?

And that's actually something I even told myself today because, you know, fucking Facebook. I was on Facebook and like seeing like trying to get involved in other people shit. I'm like, why are you doing that? You have enough stuff. Yeah. And that's why staying sober will really help you really realize. To me, one of the biggest differences is when I was sober person is like, I just don't do drama. I'm not interested in it.

It's not interesting to me. I'm not attracted to it. in fact, like, it's like, it's irritating to it, you know? And I think that, you know, that's what that is. But when you are an addict, like, that kind of stuff is always very appealing, you know. And you're going to want to go there because it's a way of, like, distracting yourself. But try to maybe figure out, like, better ways to distract yourself. I don't know.

I like to do puzzles. Like, there was, like, weird things that I did to, like, just get my mind, like, off of things, you know? Try to figure out, like, the weird things that, like, sort of help you get distracted and distract yourself, as opposed to like sort of like you know trying to use negative things to distract you yeah or just like digging up like I think it's just this like I want attention so I will like yeah well you're used to that it's the way you fed your ego for so long and your ego is being starved and you just have to be okay with like you have to let your ego starve and that's that's what's going to feel really not right with you and those are the that's that feeling

I'm telling you about that you're not going to feel good at all but you have to fucking starve it Just starve that ego. Oh, God. It's okay. I did it. You'll be fine. And then you'll get it back a little bit in a different way, but like just starve it. Oh my.

Do you know what I mean? So listen, I have to go, because my baby has to go take a bath. But like, you know, listen, because these are like I told this last girl I talked to, like when you have a conversation with somebody who's sober and you're trying to get sober, it's like a meeting. Like that's like having an A meeting. So if you absolutely want to call back because like three months from now or even like a month from now. Like you're, you want to have another talk about it. I love this kind of topic for my

podcast. I think it's a very common issue. And we talked about a lot of things on this, you know, but if you ever want to just talk about the quitting drinking thing again, and you want to call in, let me know. I'll always have you back on whenever. And keep me posted. I will. Thank you for taking time with me to that. Yeah, no, it was great. Good luck with everything. And like I said, definitely keep me posted even if you don't want to come back on and let me know that you're still clean. Okay. Okay. All right. Good luck, Marie. All right. Bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in

paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talked about on my show. I, Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. stories, 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two, and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my

Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get. into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total, strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous

podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.