Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 180 - Joe is In and On and Off Again Tumultuous Relationship

Episode Date: May 29, 2017

Joe, an artist, had a 5 year on and off again, relationship full of drugs, sex, depression and tons of fighting with a woman he calls his "muse." Why are they constantly breaking up and then making up? Why do they stay together in the first place? What can he do to get her back? Tune on to find out plus hear a whole lot more about Joe and his crazy past. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your brief flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy K.K. and Tommy. Hey, welcome to Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy.

If you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous or follow me at Cartoon Therapy. If you want to, or if you haven't subscribed to my show, subscribe to my show. And if you can write a review, write a review for my show. If you want to be on my show, I'm always looking for people to call in, to call in a vice show where I talk to total strangers about their lives, send me an email at Stricklandonnaspodcast at gmail.com. I also post ads on Craig's Lesson. People respond. And when I post ads, I say the same shit in my ad that I say on this intro. It's like I'm looking for people who either have a problem or who have a secret life that they want to reveal to people on. And that's what I put out there. And this guy responded to me.

His name is Joe. And he said he wanted to come on my show. He didn't say much in his email. I didn't know anything about him really going into the call. I was like, you've got to explain to me why you're even calling in because I had no idea. But it turns out that Joe is an artist. And he was like kind of looking for his muse because really the only way he could do his art is if he's in a relationship with a woman. and basically the woman who was his muse, his ex-girlfriend who he was with for like a bunch of years,

had just recently broke up with him. And he was down and out. He says he's looking for a muse, but what he probably really wants and probably what's going to happen is he just wants that girl back, his ex-girl. He's really in like a crazy on again, off-again, relationship. And he's an interesting guy. He's an artist, like I said, and I think maybe he's an addict and he has a lot of craziness. that he talks about, you know, in his life as well as with his girl. And like I said, basically, I really think, like, this call is a lot about just a guy who's in a very tumultuous on and off again relationship. And I think, you know, the other sort of factors of like the fact that he's an artist and he's a little bit out of the box and all the crazy things about him, I think it doesn't

really matter. I mean, that's the stuff that's like really interesting. But I think the whole sort of story and issue that he has with this on again, off again relationship is a very common one. I think regardless of what you do and who you are, you either have been in one of those kind of relationships or have a friend who is in one of those kind of relationships. And either way, it's painful. It's painful to listen to. It's painful to be involved in it. But I sometimes think that sometimes the people that are involved in it kind of dig it. And that's what I think maybe is Joe's thing. So I can't explain more about this episode. You're just going to have to listen to it. So I'm just going to come right back on with Joe. Do you have a story,

lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast, at Gmail. with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous. Hey, Joe, you're on the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. How are you today?

I'm good. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for coming on my show. I typically like to get on a call with a total stranger. I mean, that's what my show is all about and not know anything about them or what they're calling about. But normally I have a little bit more information than I have for you. I don't know anything about.

what, like what you're calling into my show about? So why don't you just actually start talking and explaining why? Because you answered an ad that I posted on Craigslist looking for guests, right? Yeah. Actually, I was hoping we could do each other a favor on this because I'm an artist. And my, back in the 80s, I was an art student. And due to having a family and everything, it sort of just went by the way. and I hadn't picked it up for over 30 years.

And now, since I had divorced, I got divorced, I had a girlfriend, and for some reason this girlfriend motivated me to get back into my art. That's great. Some of the pieces that I've been the best I've ever done in my life. I mean, the first one that I did, and it was straight out the box. I haven't touched painting over 30 years. years and it was just incredible I turned her into a mermaid by the way but I'm also working on that same concept that it works under UV and and regular light so it's actually two paintings

in one okay and that's what you always did like back in the day in the 80s when you were an artist as well that kind of like paintings well I mean I did a little of everything I draw I sculpted I paint. I can do just about anything, any medium. But right now I'm just concentrating on acrylics and different lighting effects. I'm working on a concept where the same painting could be two or three different paintings depending on the light that's being shown. Yeah, that's kind of cool. I know that you said in your email when you said you were doing some sort of creative project that had something like, I don't know the word you use, whether it was sensuality or sexuality or something like along those lines because you were on Craigslist.

I mean, in the personal section, that's where you found my ad, right? So somehow like your project ties into that world, right? Exactly. Like I said, and I hadn't gotten back into it until I met this girlfriend. And well, since actually we spoke, we had broken up. And that's why I was on Craigslist. I'm looking for a muse, someone that can, that can motivate me to create more paintings.

Somebody that can, I use, I'm a stimulation junkie. Mm-hmm. And I use any type of motivation, like internal, like, almost primal in a sense, the sexual motivation, the stimulation to, to. Well, it's like an energy, right? It is an energy, right? Yeah, exactly. That energy, that, that's a perfect word.

Mm-hmm. that energy to put into my painting. Well, now, let me ask you this. Are your paintings like nudes, or are they sexual in nature? Well, lately I've been working on, like, semi-fantasy. For example, I turned my girlfriend into a mermaid. I call it the siren. It actually originated from a poem.

And then that poem turned into this painting, and then this painting, I'm sort of turned into a story and now it's I'm planning on writing a book about it but in the meantime my paintings go somewhat of you take a normal

everyday person and you in this painting it's somewhat of a transformation under I guess regular light let's say it would be a physical representation

of that person in the normal viewing. And then let's say we turn on a fluorescent light. All of a sudden there's some type of transformation. And this, let's say, woman happens to now have almost like a ghostly aura around her. Like it's like a nightgown. And then under UV light, now this nightgown is in the forest in the dark.

and all the creatures in this forest light up. I love that. It's like you just, you know, the more you get to sort of sit with that painting, the more you get to know who's in the picture, right? It's kind of like life, if you ask me. I love that whole concept. You get different views of this subject.

Yeah, yeah, it's great. From reality to almost fantasy. Mm-hmm. That's cool. And it's using that energy. and since I broke up with my girlfriend, I don't have any more energy to spend or to create. So I'm sort of stuck. I'm halfway through a big thing.

Well, because you guys broke up. You guys broke up is what you said, right? Yeah, we broke up. How long were you dating? Oh, five years on and off. And when you said, you said just before, like, since we spoke, we broke up. Like, what do you mean?

Since we spoke me and you, or you wouldn't hurt? Like, how long ago do you guys break up? About a week or so? week or two ago and I think it's about when I answered that ad. Right, okay. And now let me ask you this. Like, are you just looking for, like, when you say a muse,

are you looking for someone to paint or like your muse for you is like somebody that you could actually date, right? Like, do you need to be in a relationship with someone so you could get sort of busy and have sex and have that kind of exchange going on and then you get, you'll be encouraged to paint again? Or are you just looking for somebody to sit for you and you could paint them? Well, to answer that question, it's all of the above. I need intimacy.

I need stimulation. I need. And to me, outside of drugs, sex is like the ultimate stimulation you can have. Right. Well, listen, I mean, listen, as when they talk about addicts, right? Like you could be a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a sex addict, right? I mean, like all the things that you could kind of be addicted to, you know, there's a reason for it. because it does give you a feeling, right, that maybe you can't get on your own.

Exactly. I mean, there are artificial means, but, I mean, there's no substitute for the real thing. And that's why I was able to actually come out of this in 30 years and just not even miss a beat. It's because when done with the right purpose and you're true to the game, I mean, everything lines up perfectly and you can produce. Right, and then this art comes out of you, right. Yeah, it's not sort of like the bachelor type thing where you're looking for, I'm looking for somebody that's actually into the same amount.

Because this woman that I was, my girlfriend I had, she was a singer, a song, a model, an actress. And, I mean, she was everything. She's one of the most beautiful people inside and out that I've ever met. And she, as well, is creative in another sense. And my perfect world would be somebody that I don't care if they painted or they sang or they played an instrument. They did what they did. And that energy rubbed off on me. And then I did what I did.

Or let's say they played an instrument. and I was just feeding off that energy from the instrument. And then I started painting. And then they fed off of my painting. And then somehow there's an intimate moment. There's a sexual experience. And then everything just explodes. And we just both create and be at the top of our game.

Let me ask you this. Okay, so you said that you were married and, you know, you got married. And then, like, I'm assuming that that energy that, like, say you had with your girlfriend that you're with five years, like eventually wore off. and your relationship with your wife, and you weren't creating when you were with her, right? As well? Like you weren't...

Or were you still doing your art? I did a little bit. I was teetering off, but in the beginning, yes, I was creating. Right, but then towards the end and then you got divorced, how long were you single before you got this girl? No, actually it was not even after my second child was born,

the only other thing that I really did was, I actually painted the nursery with every single Disney character you can imagine. Oh, that must have been awesome. And this is where the concept of lighting came to mind. And I did it all in fluorescent colors. And when you turned off the light and turned on the fluorescent light, that whole room lit up. and the babies just never cried at night.

Right. It didn't keep them up? No, actually it kept them entertained. Right, right, just until they fell asleep. Nothing moved or anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. But now I've taken that concept, and I'm trying to work it into as the light changes.

Yeah, no, I love it. I think it's like really, yeah, you see other things. But let me ask you this, though, about, so you get divorced from your wife, right? Like, how long before, like after your divorce, did you meet this girl that you just broke up with? Immediately. So, oh, immediately. How did you meet her? I met her online through a dating app. Okay. So why aren't you on a date, like, because I was going to say, like, why do you on Craigslist

where, like, why not go on a dating app? Or are you on a dating app too? Well, Craigslist, actually, I was just doing keywords in different areas. And you'd be surprised where you find. these keywords that. Totally, of course. What was the keywords? Listen, I go online. I've been doing my show for three, over three years now, and I get all my, my get, a lot of my guests, 99% from Craigslist.

And, you know, I put in keywords to look for people. I also post ads, you know, and yeah, you can't believe who you could find, what's going on there, you know, and stuff. So, but if you're looking for like a real relationship, right? Because it's not like it's just sex for you that energize you, because you could just go look at porn, get horny, and then start painting, right? Like, it's more than that for you, right? You need like to be...

Of course. For example, I'm looking for someone that would like to sit, that would like to model, that would like to take pictures, that would like to help contribute, that would like to collaborate in every step of the

way, including the sex. It leads up to that. Right, but you would also, to get that intimacy that you're also looking for, or like, and you want to get to know the person. I mean, like you're looking for a relationship, right? Yep. And in a sense, yeah.

And I'm hoping that it does turn out to be that way. But in this sense, it's not going to be accidental. And when, you know, and through the dating app, it just so happened, you know, I came across this girl and I thought she was cute. I read her profile. How old are you? And how old was she? Oh, she's about five years older to me.

I'm 49 now. But she's about five years older than me. Right. But you met her a couple, you met her five years ago. Yeah, but still, I mean, you could look at her now and you wouldn't believe she's that age. She's, I mean, the girl still looks like a model. I mean, nothing is the most beautiful woman. I've ever seen in person.

Let me ask you this. Why did you guys break up? Like, what happened? Oh, a lot of things happened. My mother passed away recently, and the same day that she was buried, my ex-girlfriend's father got hit by a car. Oh, my God. And on the same day, and that night I went to the hospital, and he held on for like

two or three weeks, and eventually died of his injuries. so and you know we i mean we are so much the same that that it's almost makes it different because we're both stubborn we're both creative we're both artistic we're both uh virgos i mean our birthdays are two two days apart and and we we just both don't back down and neither one of us want to admit that we're right, the other one's right sometimes. But was that plaguing your relationship the whole time or just when like this really sort of tragic events like collided with each other and then you both kind of got in or in bad place and couldn't sort of make it

work together? Or did you always have a tough time with each other because of these similarities? Well, like I said in the beginning, we've been on and off for five years. Oh, I don't remember. Why don't I remember you said it? Oh, you were on and off. We've been on and off for five. years. Okay. I mean, we have these breakups and then we get back together. So it's very dramatic. Breakup together.

Yeah, I mean, we're just, and this is why I've never been this inspired to create. Because even we can make each other at our best or at our worst. And when we get it at our worst, we wind up at a breakup. But when we get out of our best, I mean, there is nothing that can stop us. nothing right but it sounds a little nutty it just sounds like a little like listen when you're attracted to i'm a recovering addict right i haven't i've been sober for like i think maybe 14 15 years at this point and like i used to do drama like that was a thing and most addicts do that and i loved being really fucking high on things like i like that feeling i could i could relate to like

that feeling and then the drama and then what that sort of creates but being sober for 15 years like I loathed drop like there's nothing about that any of that that's interesting or that feels anything and I feel like I could get to those kind of places like a real euphoric place much better being completely clearheaded right so what's your deal though with like you know having or needing that to be a part of your life to motivate you to be all that you are do you know what I mean like maybe you need to try to figure out how to access that part of you. creatively without all that fucking drama because it's great that you had a relationship for five years but like you know at this point in your life listen I'm 48 I'm around your age like I mean do you really want

an off again on again relationship like I mean do you still really feel off of that kind of like is that what you like or don't you actually no I don't I'm longing for that's what

I think brings us back together is that we know that we can make each other better and we know that and the heart wants what it's what it wants and and for whatever reason it is that we break up eventually it's forgotten not necessarily forgotten because then that just stacks on to the whole list of right so you guys will probably back together again this is probably not the end or no I'm hoping so I'm actually we both suffer from depression. Okay. As well.

So that plays a big part of it. You know, still go through that episode. Let me ask you this. I'll go through mine. Right, but let me ask you this. Do you guys take anything for that? Or do you guys drink?

Do you guys do drugs? Like, what's your deal as far as how you guys manage the depression and what gets why you're depressed to begin with? Like, what's the deal? Well, originally my depression, I guess, stems from breaking up with my ex. wife and, you know, leave with my kids.

I lost it. My whole life got turned upside down. Right, right, right. On Wall Street and the whole nine. How did you lose your job on Wall Street? Was it just like, you know, the fucking crash of things? Or like, did something happen? Yeah, it was during the recession.

Okay. And the jobs were just being lost by, by the numbers huge. Yeah, of course. Whole industries just got, like, fucking shut. I couldn't find work for almost three years. Terrible. And I have a master's degree.

Mm-hmm. And I got to the point where I had to dumb down my resume so much that I barely had a job and I almost didn't graduate high school. That's how bad I had to dumb down my resume. And what did you wind up to, like, what did you wind up finding as a job? Actually, I'm working now in construction. Okay, right, because that was all you could do. It's sad, actually, what happened to a lot of people in your age range and even older, you know.

Yeah, I found it to be actually a blessing in disguise because all those years behind the desk, I've sort of gotten out of shape and everything, and I was trying every way possible to get back in the shape. I've never, I haven't been in this good a shape in over 35 years. Right. And that's great, considering that you're older now and you're about to turn 50 and like you're doing better physically, than you had in the past. But as far as the depression is concerned, like do you take any, like, prescription medication for it?

Or do you drink? Do you do drugs? Like, what's your deal? She does? Well, I don't take any medication. My girl takes medication. Mm-hmm. We both do coke.

Occasionally, we'll have drinks. I was in the AA for about three years. Mm-hmm. Didn't work? Actually, I never thought I was, Really an alcoholic. I did it to prove a point. Mm-hmm.

And were you sober the whole time, or did you just go to meetings? Yeah. Not a drop. But let me, did you do Coke? No, no.

I smoked weed, though. Okay, but like you definitely didn't drink. I mean, maybe drinking is anything. Listen, let me just tell you, somebody that's done blow and all that fucking shit.

And I had depression on and off in my life because I had shit happen to you when I was little. So, you know, I'm that first. too. I have to say like there's nothing worse than the way you feel two days after you blow lines. I mean like you just want to kill yourself. You know what I think? Like I don't know anybody like and if you have I to me that happens to regular people like but if you're depressed to begin with

and a little unstable like I mean what are you blowing lines for? I don't know for some reason I just think that that went out in the 80s and I just can't believe how many people in New York because I live in New York too are still doing cocaine you know and listen it's I'm. I'm I'm not like a preacher as far as like, oh, don't have fun or don't do things. Because like my drinking and my party days in New York were like the best, some of the best years of my life, you know, but like I just think when you have something like you said, both you and your girl, you know, are trying to make this relationship with your work. You're both depressed. You know these things because you're telling me them straight up. Like you're so yourself aware enough to know what the fucking deal is.

It's like why would you do Coke? Like that is like a recipe for disaster. If you're depressed, it's not. not going to help. Well, like I told you earlier, I'm a stimulation junkie. Yes. I think you're a little bit of an addict. Oh, you can call it an addict.

You can call it whatever you want. Yeah. And because it's not necessarily always an outside substance or with a partner. I can go fishing and I get such a charge out of fishing. And I could take that back and do a little something with. it, but it's not... The same. It's not the same.

Like, to me, the ultimate experience and the ultimate motivation that I could ever get to was blow a few lines, have a couple drinks, smoke a little weed, and have some great full-out sex. And my batteries are so charged at that point in motion. And my girl also tells me. I'm like the antithesis of what everything that does is supposed to do

to you like it's supposed to be tired like you can't even get up when you do coke you can't even when you're doing it no you can only get up oh you mean get it up oh right like you can't fuck on it right but you can yeah I mean

most of my partners they can't believe it they're like how can you keep going and it's like But it has the opposite effect on you for some reason Listen I don't think that everybody has the same reaction to things Like I could take aspirin and you could take it And I could make you sleepy

It make me fucking wired You know what I mean Everybody has different chemicals in their body And it just It totally you can't say across the board I will say though It definitely makes you depressed two days later Like I mean when it leaves your system

Like you just really fucking crash bad When you crash yeah That's what I'm talking about Then it's sleep deprived, too, because she's, I call her a vampire. She's awake at night. I'm working during the day. Then when I come, you know, sleep, you know, we have to find time together. So I sacrifice my sleep, which causes not the best of me sometimes.

But I do it, and sometimes I don't realize, and I feel as she doesn't realize how much I'm really sacrificing to try and really make things work. And outside of these these factors, I don't, I really wish that, you know, we both can see it the same way. But, you know, I think her motivation for things is she needs to get angry because her depression makes her, like, withdrawn. She'll stay in bed for days at a time, you know. I would cook for her, I'd clean for her, I'd go to the store for her, I do whatever I got to do to make her better. I try to make, I want, I want her to be at her best. Of course, you guys loved each other, and I'm sure she probably felt the same way for you.

Also, in the creative sense, and I was hoping, you know, not to give to get, but I would hope that she would appreciate that enough to see that I want her at her best. And sometimes I think she needs some type of enemy to get her going. Well, look at what you need. Look at it's the same shit, okay? Look at all the stuff that you say you need to get going. Maybe that she needs anger and she needs fight and she needs conflict. I agree.

Same shit. You guys are very similar like you said. But because her world is very, very closed in, you know, very, I'm the only person that she can make her enemy. Right, but that's what she, and she's the only person that you can make, you know, give you the drama. all the breaking up and stuff. And you feed off of it too, though. Like that's what you don't get. Like,

you guys are very complimentary in a way. And you probably will be back together. And you may wind up lasting. Because listen, I just because people have like this kind of relationship that most people would be like, oh my God, I'd rather fucking kill myself

than be with somebody that I'm fighting with all the time. I think some people, if you're never going to change your shit or like, I don't know, sort of like work on certain parts of your personality. It just may work, you know, for some people and they could stay forever

in relationships like that and it could just be like you guys could be really compatible but you know if you would only realize it like because what you're explaining is the bad things about her and the things that are the problem it's like you're exactly the same

I agree and I agree 100% and this is the goal that I'm trying to get to I want us to compliment each other in the best ways not to but what you want no but what if you really think about and listen to what you're saying and you should listen to this podcast because a lot of times it's like really great to sort of get outside of yourself and listen

to yourself as like a third person because you'll hear things differently but what I hear you saying is like you're talking in a circle you're kind of saying like I don't we break up because there's fights and there's all this drama but you also say I need the drama like that fuels me I'm a fucking energy junkie like and all this stuff so you what you don't understand is the problem What I'm saying is I love the good parts. I love. No, but you guys both need, but the problem, you love the good parts in your mind and in your heart, for sure,

but the bad parts fuel you guys and also keep you together. For real. It gives you both something that you need. And that's just the way that it is. Like the words that you've used and things that you've said as far as what you need to be motivated, to do your art and to get sort of high off of whatever. Like you get that from this on again, off again relationship.

So I don't listen. And like to every, to each their own, like what I think in a situation with you guys, like if you guys would just be like, come to terms with it and say, okay, look, I fucking fight all the time and I'm angry.

And you say, yeah, I fucking hate it. But you know what? In a weird way, it gets me motivated to fucking pain. And you guys could just deal with it and stop breaking up with it and just live on it, like you'd be fine. But you look at it as a negative and in a weird way, it like works for you guys.

I think you're not being as honest with yourself as you should be. I'm trying to be honest with you. What I'm trying to tell you is it's not the breakups that motivate me. What motivates me most is the good feelings that she gives me. Right. But let me ask you this. I know, but let me ask you this. I know, but let me ask you this.

When you guys have a fight, all these fights that you have and you break up, and then she comes back to you and you guys make up, isn't that a big part of all the good stuff that you feel? You know, the good after like a fight, like all that. Like that's probably a lot more of an intense good than people have in a relationship that's pretty even keel. Do you understand? A relationship that's pretty even keel without off again and on again what you think

that you want from her. wouldn't rock your boat. I'm telling you, it'd be like a fucking snooze vest for you. Because when good is just good, it's just good. It's not like your good is fucking good. And it feels like a fucking drink and cocaine for you because your good is comes after like really bad. That's a different kind of good. Regular relationship is flat.

It's flat. No, it's flat. Okay. You have a, you have a hot. off of like the drama that you guys have and I don't think it's a bad thing for both of you I think it's a good thing that's why you will be back together it just might be what you guys like and if you would just admit it to yourself it might be a little easier I disagree I disagree a whole heart yes I do because what I want most is the good part I want the good part I want us to build

on the good part I want us to help motivate each other in a positive way, not using this negative energy and making a positive energy. This is what I've been trying to go through with her. And it seems like I'm going through the same thing with you in the moment because I don't think you really understand. I don't think you really understand where I'm coming from because I want nothing more than all the best that she has. But sometimes, you know, I know I can be annoying.

I know I can be the biggest pain in the ass in the world. And I know I, you know, I'm a strange, I'm a strange animal. Artist saw that way. And I mean, along with a lot of people, there's incredible gifts, they have some incredible quirks. Yeah. And be that what it may be, but I have gone to AA at her behalf. I have gone. Because she asked you to?

Yes. Okay. I've gone and saw a therapist at her request. I've tried to make myself a better person, and I continue to try to make myself a better person. And I feel that for all those efforts that I've achieved, I don't feel the reward for it. So I gave up on the A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A.

Okay, but what would be the reward? The reward would be not breaking up. Okay. That's the reward. That's the reward. A part, okay, like you say, like, you're a creative person and with most creative people, and I would say also with super intelligent people, like a lot, you know, there comes like fucked up stuff, right?

You know, and so, like, maybe a part of her creativity, because you said she's a creative person, too. Like, that's a part of her fucked upness. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, my God, you use the same words that she is. I could swear I'm talking to her right now. She uses that term fucked upness all the time. And I got her to stop saying that.

And to hear you say that? I'm sorry. To hear you say, no. It's very fucked up. It makes me laugh. Because, you know, for a non-existent word, it's really being used a lot around me, especially. Maybe someone's trying to tell you something, Joe. Oh, maybe.

Listen, I'm just, listen, I'm like rooting for your, like, I think you guys are probably meant to be and I think you're probably very compatible and I think even in your bad ways you're compatible listen nobody's perfect okay like you're never going to find anybody and I'm sure you know this okay that has like all these amazing qualities but doesn't have any bad ones like you say you come with some bad fucking shit right like you're annoying you're creative so you have these quirks about you that are difficult probably to deal with and so does she she stays in bed she's angry yeah um I just blake things out um just like you you know somebody says something all sudden a commercial that that may be uh associated

with that term that they just use you just blight it out or a song that comes to your head because of that phrase i i got constantly and it and i have sometimes you know when when i was in my drinking days because right now i do drink but i don't drink like i used to i used to drink for purpose and my purpose now is there is no purpose I can casually drink without getting stupid

but when I did I would black out and there would be different personalities and she I think she noted about 11 different personalities that freaked her out well that's a lot of guys to be

dating at once you know what I'm saying even one of them claimed to be um what was that term fuck No, he claimed to be for We Are Many. It's a biblical phrase when Jesus asked...

Wait, hold on, hold on, I can't hear you. Hold on. What was it, a biblical phrase? One of your personalities, I don't know the... I don't know. Yeah. It'll come to you. Just keep going. It'll come to you.

Okay. So Jesus asked this person that's possessed. with the demon. And he says, who are you? And he says, I forgot the phrase, but at that turn,

for we are many. And, so you were like that kind of person when you would get drunk and blackout. Yeah, and I don't remember those.

And even my ex-wife would tell me, you know, I would come back to the next day. They're like, what happened? I don't know.

I blacked out. You know, you could have gotten somebody pregnant and not even known it. And I go, and my rule was, if I didn't remember, it never happened. Listen, I was a blackout drinker. I totally get it because, like, you really don't know. I mean, I didn't know how I would get home. I didn't know what I did. Like, I mean, like, you really don't know.

And you'll never know. You know what I mean? Like, people would tell me shit that I did and I would be no idea. What? Legion was the term. Legion for we are many. Okay. She was trying to wake me up, and she woke me up, and that's what would happen.

Whoever I was in that dream or that state of mine while I was sleeping, and I would be woken up, I would be whoever that was. Okay, and this would be in your blackout. Yeah, and one time she woke me up, and she's like, who are you? And I said, Legion for We are many. I'm freaked. I can imagine, because that's probably like a scary one. weird thing to, you know, be, like, hanging out with somebody and you're one person, then you

start to drink and you're, like, speaking in tongue. I feel this is like, it was, that's weird shit, you know, and I think she was, I think it was good that you got yourself clean for three years because it probably, like, sort of reset you in a way that you could, like, drink casually now, and I'm assuming you don't black out, right? No, I don't. I haven't, I haven't since, and I've actually never gotten, I've always promised never to let myself get out of control, and I haven't. That's great. That's great. You got a handle on it. And that's like that that is really good. And like I said, those three years was just to prove that I could do it and that that would not change who I am as a person. And she realized that. What do you mean? Wouldn't change that that the alcohol wasn't making me this.

Well, it was. Listen, it was making you blackout. personality well the black out you don't drink right but now that you don't drink as much you're better so it did the alcohol wasn't good for you but it was the amount that you were drinking and since you're able to fix that it works for you so that's great but it was it was fucked up and it wasn't good for you my point was you know blackouts aside that most people felt that you know the drinking actually was affecting my personality oh my God, first of all, you can say blackouts aside. That's why everyone wanted you to quit drinking because when you blacked out, you were like a fucking psycho. So you can't say blackouts aside. What you could say is now there are blackouts aside because you're not drinking to

the point of blackout and you're fine. So this kind of drinking wasn't wrong for you. That kind of drinking was. Everybody was right. And you proved them right by going to AA, by quitting drinking, by becoming more moderate. And it did change you for the. the better because now you don't black out and become 11 different people. You're just yourself.

And I think that that's great. And you should be proud of yourself for that. But it's not that they were wrong and you prove them wrong like you're no different. Like you are different. You don't black out and go fucking schizo. No, what I was trying to say is when I wasn't blacking out at the time that I was drinking, people thought that my behavior before the blackouts were due to the alcohol. When I went to AA, my behavior did not change.

I didn't have the blackouts and I didn't become these people, but I was the same person without drinking that I was when I was drinking. In what sense? What part of you are you talking about that? people complained about that you still are that person. Like obviously it was something negative, right, or else people wouldn't have said don't drink. I have a rage.

A rage, R-A-G-E? Okay, so you're an angry person. And when you drank a lot, right before you blacked out, you get very angry. And now you're still angry and you're proud of that to show people like, oh, look, I don't drink anymore.

I'm still angry. No, that's not the point. The point was, my point was, alcohol wasn't it was a problem yeah no doubt but and I'm not proud to say that

you know my personality is what it is because I even want to therapy for that and I'm continuing to seek help that's great but I'm also trying to get my art together and in order for me to get my art together I need to be in a frame of mind

I can't paint right now I can't I'm not motivated. Okay, we just completely change. It's not motivating you. Sorry, but I mean, I'm not here to motivate you. What you need, I can't give you. What you need, I can't give you. Like, you need a lot to motivate you.

Like, life itself doesn't motivate you. Sometimes you said if you go fishing, it makes you feel good, but it's not enough. Like, you need a lot of stuff to motivate you. You know, that I would think, like, oh, listen, I think as long as you're alive, right, like you have a time like it's it's time for you to be able to like sort of better yourself change yourself figure things out of yourself you know everybody could always be learning about themselves personally for me I think that like I wish you could get to a place in your life in the next 30 years where you work on trying to you know motivate yourself with all that kind of stuff and be a little bit more at peace deep down

inside so that you don't need to be so rageful and all this kind of stuff but if that's not your deal that's not your deal right now right but like what you're looking for like you know like I said I can't give you I don't know if any of my listeners can give it to you you need your girlfriend to come back in your life and I would bet you a hundred percent she's going to come back into your life for sure because a lot of times these kind of relationships like no offense but most likely she's not going to be able to go out and find another guy that's going to be able to deal with all of her stuff right the sleeping in bed all the time, the anger issues and all her shit.

And most likely it's going to be hard for you to find a girl that's going to put up with all your shit. But you both actually really like each other and you've been putting up with each other's shit for five years. And most likely, because you won't be able to go out and meet anyone else, you will be back with each other again next week. I would bet money on it. You know it.

Don't you know? I hope you're right. I hope you're right. You know I'm right. I would like to say I am, but you know how people, the boy who cry wolf, the boy who cry wolf. Yeah, you always worry that eventually it's the right one. But that's a part of the drama. I know, but that's a part of the drama.

I don't like that. I really don't like that. I really don't know that you like it. You do. You just don't know yet that you like it. I really want to focus on a positive energy. But you get positive from her all the time. Listen, nobody's listen.

in life, okay, Joe, listen, nobody's fucking happy and positive all the time. Life is like a, you feel different things. Sometimes you feel happy for one hour and the next hour you're fucking miserable and pissed off. And then you may go to sleep happy and you might wake up in a bad mood. And that's like life. Life is full of all different things. You as a creative person should understand that. So you can't just be happy and positive all the time, okay?

I get that. But we don't have to break up all the time either. Well, I think you guys do. I think you just don't realize it. I think you kind of do. But listen, you both have a lot of fucking issues. Okay, you're going to therapy. That's great.

Does she go to therapy too? Yes, she does. Okay, good. So you're both working on yourself, right? And so I think that that helps. You both need a little help with your depression. I was a depressed person growing up. Like, I had those issues.

I had panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and I really did a lot of work on myself. And I don't have that stuff anymore. And even when I do feel a little depressed, like I could like, it doesn't really affect me like it used to. Like I'm not going to be laying in bed for three days, okay, because I could like manage it better because of stuff that's happened. So like you guys could get, I think, to better places in your, in your lives and better yourself still as people so that maybe there'd be less drama.

But listen, you can't help her and she can't help you. I mean, you guys have to help yourself right. And I think the first step is going to therapy, which is really great that you. both do that. You obviously probably communicate with each other because like she got you to go to AA and like, you know, and do some stuff and told you shit that you were doing and you listened to her and when. So you guys like talk about shit. I mean, it's not like all the stuff is going on and nobody's talking about it. Like this shit is in your face, you know, and you just guys need to be working on it while you stay together. And I don't know why you always break up. I agree. But I don't know why you break up.

Like that's a problem. Like, you know, people. It's not my call. Okay. It's her call. But you will like, But people that, like, you know, she probably needs to work on, like, you know, being okay with things when they're bad and, like, sticking through them. You know what I mean? Instead of, like, running away and doing her thing, right? That's probably what she does. You probably push her away. So that's probably what you do. I mean, there's always takes two in a situation.

I never believe that there's like a victim. I agree with that statement. I agree with that statement because she's said the same thing. So maybe I do. Yeah. You push her way. She goes. But it's a dance.

there's a really good book that you guys should read. Did you ever, do you know who Pia Mellity is? Melody. She wrote a book called Love Addiction. It's fucking amazing, okay? Because there's this, and it's all about two types of people, a love addict and a love avoidant, okay? And the dance that they do when they meet each other.

And I, I have been that person and both people in relationships all my fucking life. Okay. So it's not like I'm talking out of my ass where I'm all like I have a PhD in psychology. I don't know shit, but I lived a life of a lot of fucking crazy stuff. Okay. So I speak from experience of being in these kind of relationships and doing the same shit you guys are doing. Okay.

So I get it and I've been there. So there's this book and I really think if you read it and you don't, you could just read the one chapter where it explains the dance that happens when a love addict meets a love avoidant and how they get close and then one pushes the other one away and the other one goes into this whole sort of cycle and that they keep breaking. up and getting back together, I bet you it would ring very true to your guy's relationship and maybe shine a very big light on what you're going through. And that it's not that unique. I know that you want to like romanticize it and be as like as your artist and you're

creative and all this fucking stuff. There's regular people, okay, that are not one bit creative go through this shit too. It's like a, it's like an attachment issue problem that, you know, we all get these kind of attachment issues when we're like little kids with our parents because we're raised by fucked up people, especially our generation, right? Our parents were like clueless. They didn't go to therapy. They didn't know shit, right? So most of us have issues. It's just a fact, right? And so, you know, you're dealing with attachment issues. And so is she. And the love addict and the love avoidant, the person that pushes and the person that runs are always super attracted to each other. And the chemistry and the pull to one another is so sure. And the love. strong. So as much as they want to go apart, they always come back together. And, you know, eventually it can go bust and never go back together. But, you know, if you really love her and, like, she really loves you and you get back again one more time, like, you should try to, like, fix certain things about yourself so that this sort of cycle doesn't keep happening. Do you know what I mean? I agree. And I will, and I will take that advice.

to the utmost because I don't want to lose this girl. Yeah, you have to, but I think maybe you need to be a little bit more understanding of her stuff and maybe more accepting of where she is right now. And she might need to be that with you too. I don't know. Your ragefulness, like, do you, like, you don't hit her anything like that, do you? I would never lay a finger on me. Okay, cool.

As a matter of fact, one day she threatened her. I said, I got to go home. And she said, you'll leave all over my dead body. So I just picked her up by the shoulders and I moved it to the side. And I walked right out the door. Right. So I just want to make sure that I'm not saying like she should accept your ragefulness and be okay with it because it's not hurtful to her.

So your rage is like something, you know, whatever. But she maybe just needs to accept where you're at. And neither one of these, these kind of problems that you guys have like takes like years of work on yourself. Like it takes a long time. Nobody just changes. It's not the movie. Like nobody just changes overnight, you know.

So you might need to cut each other more slack. Now, I believe in astrology too. And I hate to bring this up on my podcast because so many people are like, shut the fuck up, Kathy, because I try not to talk about it. But you brought up that you're Virgo. My moon. I know my moon side. My moon is in Virgo.

So yeah, Virgo's could be big pains in the asses and they could be super critical, you know. So you both have that in you. So you have to like sort of try, even though it goes. against probably both of your nature to be less critical of each other, which is most of the time a reflection of how critical you are of yourself, right? We're just always projecting our shit onto other people. So as critical as you are of other people, it really is a sign that you're super critical of yourself, you know? So maybe if you both gave each other or gave yourselves a little bit more slack, you would give the other person more slack, right? Because I just feel like you say a lot of things about

her and her things. And you do cop to your things, you know what I mean? But I just think that you have to just be like sort of honest about where you're at right now and be okay with it. And as far as her running, though, when things get bad, like she would have to call my podcast and I don't have to talk to her. She has to be, you know, the problem with therapies is you're not with the right therapist. Like who knows what's fucking going on.

But like she needs to learn how to sort of stay, you know, and remain intimate, even when things are difficult instead of running away. And then you need to be okay with that because most likely if she did stay, you might not know what the fuck to do with it. Because in some level, you play into this stand. I know you say that. I know that you say that, but we just don't know yet because why else would you be putting up with something for five years that has this unless you're addicted to like what is

kind of going on? Do you know what I mean? And I would hope that you could get to a point where if things sort of calmed down and were less dramatic between you two, that you would be okay to just sort of sit in it and not get freaked out, like, what the fuck? Like, you know, but sometimes that's what happens. I was a commitment for my whole life, and I did the whole drama, bad relationship thing. And I just, you know, because like, and I think on some level, it's like because, you know,

there's something about that highs and the lows that you feed off of. So if it's not there, regular relationships, they're not dull, but sometimes. they appear that way to people like you and her and me in my previous life because they're flat. They don't have those highs and lows. And you might not feel comfortable in something that flat, given like what you said to me in this podcast. And you just need to get to a place in your life where maybe you're winding down and want a little bit more of that flatness as opposed to the highs and the lows. I would love nothing more. Okay.

Okay. Well, then, you know, keep with your therapy. Do you go at least once a week? I was going once every two weeks, but since I left my last job, I haven't seen my therapist in about a year. Oh, okay. Okay, so you're not in therapy. If you haven't seen a therapist in a year, you're not in therapy. That's the wrong answer. Okay, let me ask you why do use your job? I do call for therapy, though. I do call. Okay, when did you leave your job? Last summer.

How come? You said you were doing construction now. What happened with that gig? I'm still doing the construction, but there's no benefit. Oh, okay. So you are still working, but when you say you left your job with the benefits, like what happened with that job? My job was eliminated.

It was outsource. Oh, okay. So your company sort of downsized and you got canned, and now you've, just like working off the books with people or something? They didn't quite downsize. They just offshoreed. Okay. So you haven't seen your therapist, but every now and then you'll call somebody for help.

But like what you need when you're in a situation like you and you need like sort of just to work on like parts of yourself? You need like a one person who you could talk to, who you could begin to trust, who you could become intimate with on a certain level and who you could start really talking about this real intense stuff with and they could really help you. And in order to do that, you need. need to be with like the same person. I don't know when you say when you call for therapy if like you're using a service and you get a different person each time. You need that consistency. And I'm

sure you know that because you've probably done real therapy in the past. Yes, that. Yeah. So you'd be good to, I mean, you know, to find somebody. They have people that do like sliding scale and stuff and places that, you know, help people that can't financially afford it sometimes. But like you would need a real therapist like someone you, you know, one person that you go to at least once a week. And same with her. What I would like is to have my girlfriend back and to paint. That's all I want to do. Okay, but you also need to this other stuff.

But in order to keep that consistent, you need to do the other stuff too. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. Okay, good. So go find yourself a therapist so that when she comes back into your life, you could maybe try and make things a little bit better. And like I said, it would take years, you know, for things to completely change. but if you're at least working on it, things will start to gradually change.

Do you know what I mean? And maybe when she comes back, you could, like, write a different story or else things are just going to keep playing out the way that they do. But I know she'll be back, and I think that, you know,

you'll be back with her and everything will be fine. And I'll be able to paint. Totally, you'll be able to paint. Yes. Yeah, I think what you're... I'm going to send you the painting that I did a hundred weeks on me. Oh, I'd love to see it.

Yeah, I love that whole idea like what you're talking about. You know, and I know you called into my show to like maybe look, were you looking for a new muse? I don't think you're going to find one. I don't know. Well, right now, let's just say this was the last one. She's never coming back.

Okay. If that's the case, I'm looking. I'm looking for someone that would help me because if she chooses not to be there, then what do I have? Right. You'll have to go back. out there. But I listen, I think instead of looking on Craigslist, instead of just looking for someone to sit as like someone that you could paint, like go do what you did five years ago when

you met her and go on like a dating app and find somebody that way. I'll definitely consider that. Okay. You know, and try and start looking. Sometimes when, you know, when your ex is like that, you know, we could smell shit from a mile away. You know how that goes, right? Your energies are connected. So if she gets the sense that, you know, if you want her back, if she gets the sense that you're looking elsewhere. You know, that might be exactly what she needs to come running back. I mean, if you want to be manipulative. But it's also...

She's not so hard to change because we've allowed each other to, you know, go do your thing, I'll go do my thing. And then eventually nobody, she does get jealous and that really does turn me on. But she can accept if she's not going to give it to me that I'll get it someplace. No, but if she really thought that you met somebody, okay, that really, rocked your world and that you were actually going to date. I'm not just talking about sex. Okay. I'm talking about like a real relationship. Someone to replace her. Somebody that like you liked enough and you start and you and she came back and you were like no thanks. I'm like going to like,

trust me, that would fucking freak her out. Okay. That's what I'm talking about. If you really get serious and say, okay, I'm just going to look for something else because this isn't working and I'm done with this. You know, that might light the fire under her ass. But the problem is she knows that you're going to be around waiting for her when she comes back. It's not a problem. She'll be back. Don't worry. That's the sad part, you know?

Yeah, well, but that's the reality. That's just the truth. Yeah. You know, the only way you change. It's so sad. Well, you know, I don't think it's sad because I don't think the story ends. I don't think it's the end of the story. So there's nothing sad.

You guys will be back together. I think it's a beautiful story. Fighting, hating, hating, hating each other. Depression. Yeah. And you're, you're sitting. been there in need of that person and she's not there and I feel like I've been there when she needed me I'm not saying it's bad I'm not saying she's all bad or she's a bad person at all right it feels

terrible because you wouldn't do that to her but she's a different person than you right but she's a different person than you but you'd probably do things to her that she would never do she She just deals with, right. So it's like she deals with her stuff in a different way. So you can't say who's right or wrong. And I get why you feel slighted because like you said, you wouldn't do that. You would be there for her. But she can't be there for you.

Do you understand? It's not like she's doing it most likely like just manipulative. It's like when people are really depressed and have issues like you guys have with yourselves. This is like, you know, when shit goes down, it's like people become very self-protective of them. themselves because like that's all she you know you got right so she becomes just super back to herself and self-protective and she's preserving like her own self and she could give a fuck about you

she's just not capable of thinking about you and her at the same time in a time of problem i think i'm talking to her why you sound exactly like this word for word everything she says oh my god that's what really it's so weird right so maybe that's a sign for you you that maybe you just need to listen to her more you know what I mean and hear what she says and understand her a little bit more so that you don't take it so personally well why don't you call her I've been trying oh okay so then leave her alone just leave her alone give her some time you know let you have to think about like she's her own person and everybody sort of does things differently when she's ready to call you, she will. If I were you, then really just stop, stop calling her. Go for a

fucking walk. Have a drink. Just one drink. You know, walk out, take a, do something. Go for a bike ride. Like, do something else. Go fishing. You said you like that, you know, to try to keep yourself as busy as possible until that phone rings and she gets back to you. And let me know when she does, because I know that she will. I say Tuesday. What's today, Wednesday? So by Tuesday, let me know if I'm right. I will. Okay. All right. Thanks, Joe, for calling in. I hope you listened to this podcast. I think you might find it interesting.

You know, I found a lot, and honestly, I believe you've helped me out a lot. Good, I'm glad. Not that I'm painting anytime soon, no. I don't want, that's okay. You don't need help with that. You'll be able to paint again. But send me your paintings, though. I'd love to see it, and I'm glad that we talked.

And I wish you the best of luck, and I know she'll be back. All right. so much. Okay. I will. Okay. I'll let you know when I post this. Okay, bye.

All right. Ciao. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called strictly anonymous confession, secret sex lies of total strangers, is now available, not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show.

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