Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 198 - Married Marco Just Realized he's Gay

Episode Date: October 1, 2017

Marco is a hardcore Christian who's married with kids, who recently came out as bisexual to his wife and then realized he's actually gay. How did he break all this news to his Christian wife? How did she react? How long did he know he was bisexual? How did he suddenly realize he's gay? Tune in to find out plus hear a lot about how he finally had got up the courage to be honest about who he is after all this time and how is is coping with everyone knowing. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak black fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts, Kathy K.K. and Tommy. Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast to Kathy.

If you haven't subscribed to my show, subscribe to my show, wherever you listen to it. We're on Riotcast Network so you could go to Riotcast.com slash Anonymous and subscribe to my show there, or on Stitcher, iTunes, or wherever you listen to my show. If you can write a review for my show, that would be really great. I'm getting my website done, so I'm going to have my website because I have the URL for it. I just never fixed it. So that'll be coming soon. If you want to follow me on Twitter, follow the show at Strictedonymous or follow me at Cartoon Therapy.

Two guys who listened to my show, or actually two guys who were on my show, started a Reddit page and you could go there. And this was like for people who want to go online and talk about the episodes and the people that were on and like chat with other people about it. So you could go to Reddit.com backslash let's talk as a podcast. That's how you find it. So if you want to discuss the shit that's going down, go there and discuss it. If you want to be in my show, send me an email at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. I'm always looking for people to call into my show lately. That's all I have to do.

I don't even have to go on Craigslist anymore because I just get so many emails from so many listeners and it's great. So if you want to be on my shows, this is a call and advice show where I talk to total strangers about their secret lives, their private lives, their interesting lives. I talk to people that have problems that need solutions, unprofessional solutions or what I would call advice. So if you fall into any of those categories, send me an email at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. Marco who I have on today sent me an email. He sent me an email because he had listened to Owen, the Owen podcast, and Owen was a guy who was by, I think. And Marco, when he first emailed me,

he said he was like a Christian guy that had come out of the closet as a bisexual, right, to his wife because he's married and has kids and all that kind of stuff. But by the time we scheduled, like, to have the call and got on the call, he was gay, which is a very different. different thing. And that didn't happen like in a six-month period. It's not like he emailed me six months ago and said he was by and then he had this epiphany six months later. This was like a couple days later. And we got on the phone and we talked all about it. And because it had just happened, like seriously like just happened, this is a guy who like has been living a life as a Christian,

as a man who was like seemingly heterosexual and then he realized he was bisexual and then he came to the conclusion that, you know, he's gay. That's like a heavy thing, I think, to go through, right? And we were talking and he called and we taped the episode like right when that hit him. So he's a little bit, like he talks like really fast and he says a lot of things and he's like a little bit, I don't, wouldn't say dramatic, but it was hard sometimes to like follow him because he was just like spewing out information. But I think it was like the timing of our call.

He's pretty self-aware. He knows what the fuck is going on, even though it took him a while. to figure it out. He definitely puts all his shit out on the table and we talk about it. We talk about how and why he got married in the first place. We talk about him being a Christian and how that sort of, you know, affects his life. And we talk about how he figured out he was by and then how he ultimately came to the conclusion that he was gay, which just happened. And I'm assuming because I taped this a couple weeks ago, there probably a lot more shit has gone down with him. So I'll probably get an update with him soon anyway. But that's the whole thing. You just got to listen to it. You know,

it's interesting. So I'm going to be right back on with Marco. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, strictly anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Hey, Marco, you're on the strictly anonymous podcast with Kathy. How are you doing today? Good.

You're doing good? Are you really doing good, Marco? Because I know, I know you emailed me because you wanted to connect with a caller of mine, a previous caller named, oh. in, right? And you wanted to talk to him because you were going through something very similar, right? He was, and the thing was, he was a guy who was bisexual,

right? And you recently, and he was, was he Christian too? Because I know you're Christian, right? Is that the whole thing? Could you just tell me what your deal is, right? You're Christian and you're by, and you are in the middle, like right now, in the middle of it, coming out to your wife, or you came out and like you're dealing with the ramifications of it

right? Is that correct? Yeah, that's correct. So, yeah, I, you know, I heard on the way. Uh-huh. And I am a Christian from a conservative background. And, yeah,

I just came out to my wife, you know, as a technical, bisexual, homo-emotional, which I didn't even know through therapy. What the hell is homo-emotional?

I know. That just means gay. So it's called what it is, which is gay. So that was really the revelatory. of the last two weeks. Oh.

And we've been chatting for more than that. Mm-hmm. And really what I'll delineate, right? So it's the same sex attraction based on emotional and romantic pursuits as opposed to purely, you know, trying to grab the dude off the pride parade and trying to doink in the ass. Right. Mm-hmm. Just a sexual thing, which would you would be more considered by?

Correct. So, like, for example, I'm highly functional with women. Mm-hmm. And, but at the same time, I'm not turned on emotionally or romantically in those ways, whereas, you know, if pursued by a man and allowing my guard down, that'll be exponentially better than, you know, performance-wise, functionally, I think, absolutely. Oh, that's so interesting. So you are definitely gay. I mean, that would be the difference. Like, you might be like a gay person who, like, because you could get hard, I'm assuming with women and you've been married, you've had, you're having three, you know,

you're about to have a third kid. So you obviously can perform with your wife, right? So let's get that whole battery. Yeah, wild sex? Sure, we just had wild sex last night. I mean, telling her, has that improved your guy's sex life? Yeah, I would say so. Really?

Really? Really? But, like, it takes, there's a lot of trust that's required in that. Uh-huh. And a lot of transparency. So, I mean, I think you start close. probing in those areas. I think some good gems will come out that you'll be like bullshit.

Right. What do you mean in the areas of like what went down in your history? I'm going to prove all of that. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Like honestly, I think you'll be shocked if you start asking those questions.

Well, duh. You've listened to my podcast. I want your whole fucking history. We got an hour. And this is like the end of the story. But I want the beginning. Okay.

Like I like that we started with the end result. People know what the deal is. I still want more of this ending. But what I want is like the beginning. how you worked up to this because I really believe, especially because with men, it's so much more taboo, I think, or like unacceptable. Well, you know, I guess with the by thing, it's more common for women or more acceptable for women. But with the gay thing, I think it's equal on both ends still a little bit. You know, especially if you're a little bit older, like, you know, people just don't

want to sort of cop to it. It's still something that people, you know, it's not totally acceptable, right? And people are getting married, having kids and living double lives like you are. So I think that it's like a common thing, right? And so other people might be in your position. And I think it's so fucking balzy and amazing that you actually came out and were completely honest about who you were in the middle of like your marriage and your life that you created, especially considering the fact that you obviously told your wife while she was pregnant about to give birth to your step third baby. I don't know about that timing. I can't fucking believe it. Yeah, I can't. I don't know. That's true.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know about that timing, but we'll get to that. But, I mean, I think it's, like, pretty amazing that you did it. And I think that that's great. And I think people want to hear that story. And some people need to hear that story because, like I said, maybe they're in your position. So how old are you now? So I'm 34.

Okay. And when did you meet your wife and how long you've been married to her for or with her together? Yeah, I met her when I was 25. Okay. And she was 28. Mm-hmm. So she's a little older now. When did you know that you were into guys?

Like before that, before your wife. Like, let me get your backstory with sex is concerned. Like when you lost your virginity and all that kind of stuff. Sorry, I go real back. With all the other panty hose guys, it's like kind of weird. You're going to laugh at this. But it was like, I think I was like 18. Oh, you were one of those.

No, it's not bullshit. It's interesting. Yeah, no, no, it's interesting, you know. So before you were 18, did you have. any feelings of being attracted to men as well as women or either? Like, I mean, what was going on with you, like with your hormones, you know, before you were 18? That's what I don't get with people that are jerking off to their 18.

What are you doing with your sort of sexuality before that? Damn good question. And you asked that question, I think, of some of your previous podcasts got you're in the same situation. I am. So I've already asked that question to myself, which was, you know, I think really, you It started around when I was eight, and again, what attracted me to strictly anonymous was literally similar, I think, to one of the panty hose guys, you know, researching it. And like when I was eight, I started wearing my mom's panty hose.

And I have no idea as to why. And I think that is partially, you know, really one of the first things where I'm like, damn, you know, like, not necessarily that I'm like, you know, I think I was emotionally dependent on my mom more than I was my dad due to. familial issues. And so my dad was pretty much a conservative provider who's like, if I just pay for all your food and send you to college, you know, I don't have to emotionally connect with you. Right. And I think I'm built in, now that I know that I'm gay, I was built and wired in a way where I really needed way more from my dad that you were getting. Right. Or that you didn't get it. And so I think that's one of the biggest realizations of coming out gay is during that time I had nothing else really to go to. So it's like that was really a way I think really, really subliminally and

self-cons. You know, my mom was when she wasn't there or whatever, you know, to be able to put them on. And then honestly, I never really masturbated until like 12 or 13 maybe. Maybe she's probably a little bit sooner than that, like 11. I was exposed to porn right around 10. 10 a half, which is fine from my older brother. And I was like, well, wait, did you look at gay porn and shit during your, you're like, dude, I can look at any porn and look at the dude, okay? Right, right, you don't need gay. Right.

I just need to see a penis. Yeah, yeah. And you do that at that young age? Like, at that young age, was like, what was the first time you saw a penis if you were like, wow? Like, you don't know what I mean? Honestly, not until, like, this is so fucking weird because, like, functionally, like, in culture that I was so repressed and in denial

of my sexuality that I didn't. really know until like literally this last couple of weeks like that I'm wanting you know to give a blowjap for example okay but we've been emailing wait no no no no it's so it's so interesting and there's so much and I just want to make sure I don't miss anything and that's why I'm going to go back to the beginning again like but I just want to say like we've been emailing for longer than maybe you even knew you were because I think when you first emailed me you were like bye right did you just figure out since we've been emailing that you're actually gay yeah okay that's good Okay.

That's what I thought is. So maybe it's helpful to understand. Like, so I've never, I've never been with a guy. Okay. So that's a piece of data point. So I've never been with a guy. I've never as much as given a dude a bro hug. So I'm more of like a bro on the scale, I guess.

Yeah. I'm not really into feminine guys at all. And so I have in my conservative Christian arena, many dudes that act in are like that. And so I'm able to satisfy that kind of surface level connection. And so my environment is really- By allowing them to be that way with you, you mean? Yeah, so it was really a nice barrier in a wall from, you know, really wanting to pierce those barriers. And then once I, you know, I joined a kind of a group of kind of recovering Christians that have come out of gay. And I talked to somebody actually over the phone.

And I know all your perverted minds are thinking of phone sex and video sex. And, you know, obviously those thoughts come and go through your mind. But really what happened was actually just talked to a gentleman on the phone who was married with many more kids than I was a little bit older than I. And he started talking to me. And I got this like emotional welling in my chest that was like exponentially bigger than anything I'd felt emotionally and romantically with my wife, even though like, of course, the sex is amazing. And like I could still get it up and function well. And that's what made this thing so fucking confusing for me, Kathy, was like. the fact that I literally was like being a functional friend, functional partner, functional

dad, functional sex partner, but all those other like love languages, which again is so fucking cliche, that I wasn't, you know, feeling, but also my wife wasn't feeling. And actually, that's really the trigger point in our marriage was we became so spread so thin. And my wife's like, I feel so lonely, but I'm sitting there like pulling back. I'm like, my God, like we're around each other all the fucking time. Like, how do you feel so lonely, you know? And I wasn't meeting her naturally those romantic and emotional ways. that I think once I had that emotional welling and talking even just talking just about to that guy right like I'm really emotionally going and it was like holy fuck like literally like literally like dude pre-com running out my you know into my pants for literally two three hours I mean it was like so but it wasn't like you said it wasn't just like a lot it was crazy but it wasn't just like a one it wasn't just like just a sexual sort of feeling it was the sex combined with the emotional kind of thing that you had never ever experienced before.

That's what was different, right? Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Like, I was looking for a sign like that because it really was confusing because I was so functional and I use that term because it really is true. Like,

not like from the outside perspective, even as an in-wife and, you know, actually feeling authentically within the world that I was living in. Well, you probably really liked her as a person. Like, because listen,

it's like having a really great friend, right? Like. Absolutely. And there's a lot of actually now that I am gay. Like, there's a lot of gay. characteristics that I saw in her that she actually is more masculine than feminine in certain ways. Oh, interesting.

I see why I was attracted to her. Because she was more like a guy. Oh, my God. Yes, she's a, yeah. And again, for confidentiality, I don't really want to say anything really about her profession or background. Yeah, that's cool. There are many things that would attribute to that direction. She's a wrestler.

Is that what you're trying to say? No, I'm just joking. Yes, absolutely. Well, that's what I'm saying last night. Wait, so, you know, I, I, you know, I, I'm like kind of like a guy girl, which isn't my personality, not the way that I look and I always think like, you know, sometimes guys like, you know, any guy that's like, could be buyers. Maybe like they're attracted to the guy in me. It's like, that's the same thing that happened with you.

That could be true. Yeah. Actually, actually, I think if I had to be like, I was attracted to the sports girl, like the softball player that maybe had like a really cute ponytail. You know, that was like good enough. I know that jock because I know she can hang with the dudes. Yeah, yeah. And then the girls I just were like totally enamored with. Right, so they had to be sporty but into hose because that's what you were into.

But so wait. I mean, that's an ideal. That's a unicorn though, dude. That's a unicorn. That shit doesn't. No. Your girl doesn't wear a pantyos? Well, no, she doesn't.

And actually, that whole story is kind of funny. So I brought that up before marriage. I actually even brought up that I had struggled with same-sex attraction even before marriage. Oh, you did with her. Yeah, I did because I was like, you know, I want you to be fully aware of all the struggles I had going in. marriage. So just in case it's something like this were to happen, she was at least like, at least he was honest with me going into it. I just thought it was like a boo, the metaphor I use, Kathy, is that I have like a buoy out in the middle of the ocean that I can easily navigate

around because I had all this other stuff, you know, like I was functionally attracted to her. I never cohabitated really with anybody except dudes and, you know, my roommates. Yeah. And like, because I was just really focusing on profession and setting myself up in a major metropolitan city here in the States. And like, you know, I just was busy as fuck. So, Honestly, it was like, I just busied myself to death. And then I was like cohabitation with really the first person I ever really fully cohabitated with. Was she the person you lost your virginity to? Were you so Christian that like you lost your virginity at marriage?

No. No. Okay. I lost my virginity in college. Okay. You know what? I actually have some funny stories looking back if you're interested in those. But I've just like moments with like, dude, now that I know what I ain't, like there's some really just good shit.

Like one where I pushed a girl out of bed that she prepped it. I was in this kind of like, not a brothel house, but like this kind of communal house with literally one bathroom with men and women. It's amazing if you can think about it. Yeah. And this one girl kind of snuck into my room and she like was trying to work her shit. And like, just because I like lived with all these people, I just like push her out of bed. I literally push her out of like. Like she wanted to have sex with you and you're like, no thanks.

Yes. Yeah. And out of like, out of just like reflex of just like I know how awkward this is going to be like literally functional. Like for the next three days, I know I'm going to deal with. the awkwardness here. Yeah. So I just literally fucking pushed it out of bed. I mean, like literally out of a sitcom.

Right. And looking back at that, dude, if I had a fucking desire, like, if I had a dick and I was attracted to women, like, I'm going to fucking tap it. So it's like, that's another one of those where it's like, if there is a dude out there who understands that they're putting the struggle of the next three days functionally dealing with the outflow of that and that's hitting you initially as opposed to getting off with your, you know, your dick. There's a.

something might be going on. That's specifically. And that's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. It's like these small little things that not necessarily when you reconcile it, but like if you really are honest with yourself because, because that's really the stories. So from the first time I put those, you know,

tight and pantyos on as 8 year old, which by the way, as a side note, when I listen to pantos, everybody was into the nude panios. I'm into like a darker panios. Oh, finally.

I thought the nude was on. I finally have no fucking idea of this nude shit. Get that shit out of here. Well, that's because you're gay. gay people are more fashion forward that's probably why you're like the nude put panties

oh my phone hair yeah yeah but yeah like but yes like so what I kind of call it is like really a buried pipeline of this gay right it was just buried so like but then you'd have like these little exhaust pipes

that would come out throughout you know my life and you know they didn't stink it didn't you know really have much trace but there were those like blitz in the radar you know like one memory that comes about is like I had this huge staff of tights and pantos that I just accumulated when I was in college as a single guy, but dating women. And like, I would feel shame, dude, after masturbating in them.

Because I was just like, this just doesn't feel right. And I think it was the fact that I was just so in denial with my authentic self and so in denial. And this sounds very therapy. But what didn't feel right? The fact that you were jerking. It just didn't feel right because I was jerking off thinking about women and right. That's what I was going to say, right.

To accept me for this. Right. And so, like, that's in reflection. But again, at the time, that shit is buried in a pipeline. I can't get to it consciously. You didn't know. At that point, you weren't like, oh, I like dick. And you didn't even realize, because you said, like, I wasn't watching gay porn, but any porn has a dick in it.

So, and that's what I was looking at. Like, did you get that that's what you were looking at when you were looking at? Like, when did you start to, come? Because I know that you just recently came to the conclusion that you're gay. When did you start to realize, okay, and become honest with yourself, that you were, like, attracted to men? Yeah, about. Okay. So very recently.

So all those years before that you were wearing panty hose, getting in with women, marrying your wife, being what you, you know, say is quote unquote functional. You were, you were in complete denial of any aspect of your attraction to men. Yeah. And can I give an explanation as to why I think maybe some of the factors that drove that? Sure. So I think there are a couple. I think one, I grew up in a very conservative family with two brothers. So who are really, you know, we're trying to do.

When mom came home with the single box of cinnamon toast crunch, we would fight after it. And because if you didn't, you were getting the rice, trip treat. So it was very masculine, very competitive, very, you know, grow-oriented home. My dad was very much a provider, not very emotionally. Yeah, you said that, yeah. You know, so like when it was like, dude, you know, just, I got like earrings and my dad was like, you know, What the fuck? Like, you know, you're, you know, this is such a bad image for our last name, you know, name.

Like, how dare you represent us like that. And, you know, just very much, like, controlling. Like, I wanted to go be a chef and he's like, no, fuck that. You're going to go into a profession and get a skill. Like, very, like, hands off. But then, like, when that shit hit the fan or, like, when matters happened, he was very controlling. So I felt very much at a deficit. I also heard my dad say some pretty shitty things about my mom's weight.

Right. things like that, and I'm very more emotionally in tune with her. I don't think I ever really got no emotional incest with her, but I really did get emotional. I was more emotionally in tune and very protective of my mom because... She was the person that you... And also your dad wasn't there for you emotionally. It was just your mom.

Exactly. And so that is one piece. So that really, I mean, and that's the port I left, right? I mean, when you leave the home, that's your experience. Okay, so I left it, go to college. I was a Christian really in high school a little bit. Like, again, it's more mission trips, surface level shit. Yeah.

Going to college, kind of fade away from that lifestyle, get more into, you know, in order to get love for my dad, I need to go work for Goldman Sachs or one of the biggest, you know, companies that can give him a heart on when he is at the country. Right, you just need to be the man that your dad wanted you to pay. That's what you were striving. Because you were still trying to get your dad to, like, love you. And then I got introduced in my area, and they are very much about biblical masculinity, which, again, we could get it. on for four hours about certain churches being fucked up in certain ways. Yeah, we don't need to get into that. Of course, yeah. There's some good things from biblical masculinity, but this is one of those areas where I think

it's very, very confusing because what did it lock me into and really force me into really a marriage in a lot of ways because it's not necessarily what I really, I felt rushed into it because really there's no sex before marriage in this specific church. But you had already lost your virginity, right? Yeah, exactly. But that was before I kind of re-committed my life to my faith. So you became a virgin again? I don't really consider that as much as just, you know, I'm holding out, you know, monogously, you know, because I have intentions to marry her.

Okay. I did that. And then, dude, seven years, you know, later, you know, have not cheated on her. The closest thing I did was go to strip club with some buddies, which now looking back is fucking hilarious. And, you know, yeah, I mean, I know. ever, you know, even with the dudes when I tried to affirm my, you know, gayness. Like, I have not been on, like, I didn't even know what a fucking top was, dude, until about three months ago.

Right. So I listened to your podcast. Yeah, yeah. You still haven't been with a guy, right? Oh, no. Absolutely not. You haven't crossed that. And you told your wife.

Okay, I'm not going to get a chronological sort of thing with you because you have your story, I guess because this is so fresh in your mind and stuff. I mean, you're a very good speaker. Like, is that what my face? You talk very well. And you have so much to say about what's going on. Right now it just sounds like it's just coming out of you. You don't have to ask any fucking questions.

You could just run this podcast yourself, which is fine. So I'm not going to do the chronological. I want to get, though, the questions that I have for you is like, how did it come to be like this two weeks ago? Not when you found out you were gay, but like what happened that made you decide to tell your wife that you were quote unquote by? when you told her you were by now you're gay like what what happened before then or what was going on that led up to that because you're pregnant right when you told her yeah so this is like you're going to need like a flowchart or some sort of professional like fucking timeline to understand this i'll try to do the best thing no i normally create no no listen to me okay you're a very uh take control kind of guy which is totally cool i don't have to do shit no talking to you

it's just totally fine you're taking control you're just doing your thing. You have the whole podcast down. I don't have to ask any questions. I do might need a flow chart because you're not allowing me to sort of get to chronic, like take the lead and do it. You're going to do it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't want to. I want you to do it. You could jump around. If I think it's getting confusing, I'll clarify, because I'm like my listeners. I'm listening just like they are. And I don't know you from a hole in a wall just like they don't know. So if I'm fucking confused, I'll ask you. But what I want to know is what led up to you telling your wife? Yep. So therapy for four plus years. Okay. My wife encouraged me to go into therapy for depression, anxiety. So you were having all of that? Increased lethargy. You know, I was part of a 12-step program. You were an addict. I'm an addict. I'm a very compulsive person in all those aspects, whether it's compulsive, masturbation, like literally like I'm rainbow when it comes to my compulsions.

And so I was getting handling for that. We were doing marriage counseling for about the last year and a half. My wife and I, you know, she is somebody who, I would say, is very emotionally dependent on me. And so my depression and stuff led to a bunch of issues between us communicatively. And she is a phenomenal orator, which is why I think I naturally, when I get insecure, which is what I am on this podcast, I have to take control. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was good. Listen, I was just a reflex.

No, I was absolutely going to say, like, there's a, there's a defensiveness to, like, talking so much and keep going and going. It's, like, in a weird way, it's like, what are you afraid I'm going to ask or, like, let your guard up? Or maybe it's, like, what you just said with your wife. Like, you know, your nervousness. There is something going on that's making you just go full steam ahead and do it your way. It's like there's some sort of control that you have.

That way, as opposed to me just asking in it coming out free flow. Yeah, a couple things. I, you know, so this 2017 January time frame, you know, going into a brand new year, family trip came up. And I got to a point during the family trip where I literally, I shut down. Like, it was super weird. I had some suicidal thoughts through my therapy and all this stuff. Just really confusing fucking time.

Like I literally had to go check in at the front desk of a cruise ship that I was on to say, no, I'm not going to hug myself off this. thousand each night, which is hilarious. And my wife didn't know it at the time, but I knew I was having suicidal thoughts at the time, but my therapist did call the cruise line. And again, just to give you the nature of like, dude, this is pretty dire. Either I was going to have a heart attack from the increased weight gain from the Prozac and from the compulsive eating I was doing. Oh, God. You were a fucking mess.

Like, I am a fucking mess still. You still are? But I'm way better. Okay. Well, it was all coming to. Well, but, well, four days. Okay, but listen, it was all coming to a head. You've been keeping this part of you.

Like, I mean, listen, in a weird way, if I was like your friend and been friends with you through all of this, I would be like, like, wow, this is like such an important, amazing time in your life. Even though it seems like a bottom, it really is a time in your life where you are completely changing and becoming who you were really meant to be. And I think that that's amazing. And to do that at 34 is great because you're still super young. You know, and even though it's like everything is almost bad and you had to get to such a bad place to sort of figure out who you were, I think that's how it really happens in real life most of the time, you know? People don't drastically change when things are great. They drastically change because things are so fucking bad that you have no other choice. Because most of the time change is so difficult, people don't want to do it. So as bad and a mess as you are, you really, though, have done like the most amazing thing.

for yourself by sort of outing yourself and coming to terms with it and talking to your wife about and being honest that it's just like you're in a pretty incredible place you just can't see that now you five years from now you'll look back and be like this was that was like the best time of my life because it's really it's it's really good for you and all that anxiety and all that depression you might have a little bit left over you just might be that personality type but because I had that all my life and I was been sober for like 14. years and no matter how much I've cleaned up my act I still have a little bit of that stuff but like a lot of that's going to go away now that you're going to figure out who you really are and you're looking in the fucking mirror and you're being honest with yourself do you know what I'm saying holy fuck you're so spot on and I know that's usually like the moment in the podcast I'm sorry to take control again but it's like where you are just so fucking right because that's what kept coming back to like you know when I listened to the pantyos episode I was like man those are cool and then I was just flipping through the catalog because again I'm not into like I'm all those stuff that you guys have in that, which I think is hilarious.

Yeah. You know, I definitely picked up the one of, like, the married guy who left because I was like, I'll just listen to that. And when I really wasn't ready for it, and I think it was part of my plan. And this was probably what, like, because I emailed you pretty much the next day after I listened to it. So I don't know. You know, from a timeline, I would say maybe a month ago. Yeah, uh-huh.

And honest to God, I was just like, screw the fucking panty hose and tights thing. I said something to the effect of like, I need to fucking talk to this dude because my God, his story was exactly mine. And I do suggest you go back and listen to that Owen's episode. I don't want to really rehash it because, and actually a lot of my story is very similar, which is, you know, there was just something wrong. We were functioning, but there was just something almost like he used the metaphor of a tree, like inside the roots were just not healthy.

Right. You know, it might be standing, but it's just not thriving. And there's just something wrong. And that was manifesting itself in that timeline, right? So everything is coming to a head. So I shut down, you know, I go and get fucking shit-faced on that cruise, with my brother because he could just toss in at funk so he's like do we need to get away from the family yeah and like dude at 34 I go fucking drink like I'm the fucking 12 year old I mean it's hilarious

you know fucking getting shitty and I come back doing it's like dinner time I can't I can't even like go to dinner like I mean total rock bottom place and I'm not even a drinker but it was just it was what I needed to do yeah and you know fast forward to the to the Owen podcast you know what changed between then well through my therapy I was just like I just coming back to like dude I just, Doc, I feel like I have these same such attractions. And it's just, that's just the constant theme of my meditation and reflection. Like, I don't know what it is. Like, I've never been with the man, but I'm starting to peruse Craig List or want to go see at least what men and men are doing out there so that I can see if that turns me on.

And that started turning me on. But that's great that you brought that up to your therapist. Like, that was a great thing that you went into the therapy session with that information and, you know, put it on the table. Yeah, and so I think it's the combination of therapy over the last four years, because I don't want to, there's no shortcuts in this shit, okay? Right. You've got to be fucking honest. One. Two, honesty can happen with only your capacity of understanding yourself.

So you can be honest with a limited capacity, but that honesty is going to chip away at your ability to have increased capacity. So what I'm trying to articulate is you're scraping up the side to allow you to be more honest in the future and more honest in the future and more honest in the future. And that's really what happened over my years. So I was like, honest with the tight thing pretty early on in therapy. Uh-huh. And I was honest with this same-sex attraction, you know, this year. And then, like, you know, things really started to, like, the walls started really started to crumbling a lot more fast, you know, because even my wife, I like, insane-sex attraction. You know, she asked me actually the question that triggered everything, I think, for me.

I'm not to say this at a head, but, you know, if she ever hears that, she's going to know this is me. But it's, you know, she asked the question, like, if a dude ever romantically pursued you, because she's like, I just didn't see how you're the guy that wants to take it up the butt. Like, honestly, she said that same thing. I don't understand how you'd ever want anal sex. I was like, I kind of don't. But have you ever thought about a man, you know, what I'm going on and date with a man and having him romantically pursue you in a way that is

loving, caring, and in a way, some way, you know, kind of how your dad, you know, kind of was absent or what you're at least attributing to your dad being absent. And I was like, I don't know. And what I really wanted to say there was, fuck yeah, like, it's unbelievable. Like, I can't believe that.

And so I brought that back to therapy. And I really started wrestling with that. Then that led to, I did join, you know, I started doing some research on the internet, just like, are there gay dads who've come out? Yeah. Honestly, I was just like, are there gay dads that have come out? And so I did some research. And I did find, you know, an example.

And again, for confidentiality, I can't say, but it's a group of people that, you know, get together on the internet to, and in an upright position, it's not a sex shop where you're pulling. private conversations off and masturbating. No, it's more like a support group. It's a support group and a safe space in regards to a lot of people to share. And so with that, I met a dude, and I talked about this earlier, and so I don't want to rehash it. The guy that you felt that connection with.

Yeah. I did, and he was posting, and, you know, again, I don't want to talk about faith that much, but, you know, he was, I was asking for, you know, biblical grounding for, you know, how I can understand and contextualize this, because I'm having these feelings and I'm made this way, in my opinion, because I look back at my history, and it's like I've always been this way. Like, as I looked and I finally started seeing kind of that pipeline I was talking about since I was age eight. I was starting to see like, damn, there's this body of work that was like an undercurrent of my entire life that the scared fear, people pleasing person of me had buried

and repressed and denied my entire fucking life thus far. And you're right, Kathy, I'm so excited for this. I feel like I'm very down thus far. I'm so fucking stoked for the next 60 plus years. I'm looking forward to getting my shit back together But like honestly there is a tragedy of that It's like fuck man Like so much my time And it makes me want to cry Because it's just like fuck man

Like all that time That you know If I just would have been more honest with my parents And almost honest with my brothers And all this stuff I would have been You know Such a happier person for all these lives You know years

And I would have had to ruin You know And I use the word ruin Because I mean dude We built the life together with my wife and kids Yeah yeah that's very hard for her too Yeah And we need to fucking be real with that

Right, stop. Because when you told your wife, how many, I need questions answered, okay? Like, just specific questions. When, like, you took, you were taking stuff to your therapist about a same sex, like attraction and stuff. And did you, was it, like, did he sort of suggest to you that you should tell your wife that you are having these feelings? And how many months pregnant was she when you went home and told her? Did she come into a therapy session and you guys all sat down together? How did you tell her? How did you tell her? and what did you say? Yeah, so she was already pregnant with the third kid. Right, I know that. And then we got pregnant with the third kid, and that really was the trigger for me, because my life has already spread so thin. I mean, I have a busy job. I was an overcommitter because I just didn't want to face the realities of my husband

in the mirror. So how many months pregnant was she when you told her? Three. Okay, and now, did you tell her at home by yourself? Did your therapist suggest that she come in and you guys tell her again? So what made you just do it on that day? Your therapist said you need to come clean and you should just tell her and then you went home. She came home from work or whatever and you're like, oh, I have something to tell you?

That night. And what did you? Yeah, I did it that night and I think it's just, I just told her that I'm struggling with same-sex attraction and I think that I'm bisexual. And I didn't know at the time like really what that meant, but just I'm actually more oriented towards dudes. And what did she say? I mean, did she start crying? Did she get freaked out? Was she just like, okay.

Oh, my God. she was a wreck, as she should be. Yeah. I mean, because her future is shaking, and I'm very compassionate about that shit. So she starts crying. Thank God you wait until she was three months, because, you know, within that three month time, she could, like, have a miscarriage. Like, that was right around the time the pregnancy gets to be pretty safe.

But anyway, so you tell her, right? She's hysterical, flipping out, right? And, like, had you figured out what you wanted to do with her at that point? Like, had you and your therapist sort of, discuss because like I mean you're going to lay that on her but then she's eventually when she gets over the shock of it going to be like what does this mean you know in regards to me and you and you our marriage and our family like had you already figured out that you a wanted to leave her or you want to stay with her like what were you what was your plan how did it your future with her

look like to you or with you and your therapist what did you had discussed yeah great question I think this is where I think things will you know gel for you so yeah so I came out as that buy to her and I think as an openly by person you know I can just say hey I've seen sex attraction which is fine so like I can find it enabled me to have the freedom to be able to say

hey like I think that guy's good looking okay um it doesn't mean I can just go to Craigslist now and have sex with dudes but what it means though is I wanted to stay in the marriage okay so you had you wanted to stay in the marriage but let her know that you were attracted to men and so that you wouldn't have to hide that so much but you still weren't at

point where you wanted to go have sex with guys. Nope. Absolutely not. So I was like, yeah, that's functional and all this stuff. And then, but I was like, I still need to research what this means because I really think there was an education play here. And when I say by play, it's like I needed to research more as to what gay look like. Like what really makes gay people gay.

And that's really what I think during that, you know, remaining, you know, next three months, which is really up to about today is where I started getting into your podcast and things like that just to find out more about my painting host fetish, to find out more about, you know, what gays look like and how they contextualize why they are the way they are, because I think the common thing that you even say on this podcast lot is a lot of gay people who come from a straight side didn't necessarily want to choose to be this way, but they've just gotten to a point where they've accepted it. And that's my case where I was bisexual and I didn't have really enough evidence. I know it sounds crazy, but evidence to say, you know what, I just don't make this work.

I had enough evidence to say this can still work. We can still have a very functional life, but I'm kind of greeting the fact that I have this, you know, disease that I got to live with with same sex. You know, I got to do this. It's going to be tough. Yeah, but do you call it a disease, quote, unquote, because that, like, that's like your Christian background.

Right. I'm just trying to both, both. I think it's just an articulate way of saying it's just, I care it with me. It's like something like baggage all the time. It's baggage. No, I would say the opposite. I think baggage is all the fucking lot.

Like, I think baggage is like your shit. straight part of you. I think that's the disease. The good part of you is the gay part of you. That's who you were probably born. That's probably who you just are. I don't know so much that because I think that there's plenty of guys that, you know, grew up without a male figure or a father that wasn't really emotionally there. And they're, they're not gay. I don't know that that's all of the reason why you're gay, you know, it could be just a, like, you know what I mean? Like, even if you had your father totally there. Like, I think, you know, because there's that nature, nurture thing, you know, I don't know so much about, I mean, I have to assume that there probably is some

nurturing that goes on that maybe could maybe sway somebody one way or another. But I typically tend to think that people are, you know, born gay or straight, right? And it's just like it is who you are. So I just think, like I said, I don't think the disease for you is the gay part of you. I think it's the straight part of you, because that's the lie. That's what's been making you so miserable. You're, you know, you're not miserable because you're gay. You're miserable because you weren't being gay, really. You're miserable because you were straight. Kathy dropping, Kathy dropping the tree palms and you're right. And as of today, you're exactly right. But the, I was trying to come at it from, you know, what it was like to live that out. Yeah.

Which is, I looked at it as a disease. But I think, again, I will acknowledge and validate exactly what you're saying, which is when I can look in the mirror now, like, even my wife is like, dude, you're so light. And again, we'll get to that. But I just, yeah. So, again, so I go, I just want to make sure we understand the timeline. So three months in, you know, I tell her that bisexual, you know, then I'm researching more and more.

and then I have this conversation last week with this dude. And I find out. And then I was like, I'm going to roll this through the loophole of my therapist. It's like, I got to tell this guy that I pretty much almost had an orgasm in my pants about having sex, let alone even flirting with this dude. And it was because of the emotional aspect. That's the kicker. God.

Yeah. Yes. Because at this point, you already knew you were attracted to dick. This was like the emotion. So that's a whole new thing. That's what I'm saying. Literally,

it was like an oil geyser. I mean, just fucking blew my fucking brain. I'll just give you some specifics. I was like at an airport lounge in a private phone room, having this conversation with this dude. And I had work to do. And I was like,

I just cannot stop talking to this dude. And literally like, I was like buzzing like a fucking. 18 cup coffee day in like the best fucking way and then I literally got first class upgrade fucking drink champagne all the way out and I like celebrated myself I'm like dude I'm finally gay so I know exactly the time and date when I came up myself and I'll always be able to look back yeah and so that's what I'm saying like and so I knew though at that moment last week literally last week that I am and you didn't even know this Kathy like that I am

fucking gay yeah no you told me you were by story and I know Owen and I know Owen said it when he's like, dude, once I met with a dude or hoped that with a dude, he's like, I'd know totally gay. Like, that part of that podcast stayed with me because I was like, fuck, dude, that's exactly what happened to me. So I want to encourage people out there that are listening to this that might be struggling with that, that, yeah, like, maybe you'll have that one moment and mine fucking happened weirdly at the airport lounge with fucking champagne, you know, who knows where yours is

going to be. Yeah. You know, but then I'm like, fuck, now I have this, you know, because again, I have an honesty, you know, I'm someone who you just can't lie. So I'm very honest, but weirdly to my capacity, right? now I have this new capacity of, fuck, I'm really honest with myself,

but now I kind of have to reconcile with my wife. You know, she deserves to know. Yeah. I also am like, fuck, I'm going to give this first

draft to her of like, I'm gay, and then next thing you know, I'm going to be fucking living in a hotel room, you know, because that could be what happens or this, so I was like,

luckily had a therapist session scheduled later that week, so I was like, I'm just going to do that. Well, unfortunately, my timing doesn't know what's happened. So my wife and I were planning

on having, not having the kids last weekend, and so I had a full weekend with her. And I'm not saying I saw that an opportunity. I didn't. If anything, I was like, fuck, dude, this is going to be insane. I got to hold this thing back for a whole weekend with her and try to build a friendship. Because, you know, she knows that I was by at the time.

And I pulled her. And she's like, we just need to build up our romance. And, you know, that's why we're getting rid of the kids. And I think it was partially a test from her to be like, does he really love me? Yeah. Lusting and this, that and the other. And there was a lot of things that play there that I was forecasting. And I think she was forecasting as well.

And, you know, I'm literally on the plane ride back. and this is just so fucking sweet. It's so funny. So I literally, you know, was texting her, hey, you know, I'm hopping on the plane, can't see you, looking forward to the weekend. And I really was. Like, I'm not, you know, I'm not fake with regards to that. But at the same time, I was very concerned, I was like,

fuck, I got to hold this thing the whole weekend. And she's like, you know, and I said best friends, period. You know, kind of like, say, you know, because I really want to show her my commitment. And I think subliminally what I was saying there was like, I'm not going to want to be romantic with you. And she's like, huh? And then I was like, you know.

And I started. going back and forth with her on chat and she ultimately said, you know, is there something you need to tell me? Oh, God, poor thing. I'm gay. Wow. I was fucking told her right over Messenger, literally with like... Over Messenger.

The fucking door. Oh, my God. That's like I'm posted. She fucking wanted it. It was like the fucking worst. I'm flying back. You're not even there for her to like call a talk. Oh, God.

But I can't let it go. That's fucked up. She is tenacious. You can tell me as my face cat. it's fucked up and I get it. But she's somebody who wants to know. She nags the shit out of me until she gets it and I couldn't lie anymore. I was broken.

No, no, no, I don't think it's fucked up that you told her. I think it's just fucked up when you told her like, oh, by the way, this is it. And now I'm going to be in the air and you can't contact me. Yes. And so I'm a man enough to get right back on. And of course, the fuck are you and all this shit. Like, and stuff that I would probably say, too, if the same thing's happening to me. So, again, I have empathy there.

So you had, like, a text message back and forth about you. being gay. So she flips out, right? Oh, she's like, what am I supposed to fucking do? Like, you just ruin the rest of my life and, you know, all this stuff. Because I told her and she's like, I said, I'm 100%. Like, it is not by anymore. And she's like, well, what the fuck happened? And, you know, I didn't, I just told her.

I was like, I talked to a dude in the safe space and you can believe what you want, but I literally didn't flirt or have any phone sex or video sex. And, you know, I don't even know if. fucking Tinder is. And, you know, I didn't do any of those things. And ultimately it was just like I had this fucking emotional, almost sexual experience, just talking with a dude. And she's like, oh, my God.

Like, have you told anybody? And I was like, well, I told a friend of mine who was part of kind of a sounding board to bounce shit off of. And I said, dude, I had this experience. Is this really it? And you're like, dude, fucking totally it. And I was like, okay, great. So then when she asked me like, well, have you?

talking about. I talked to this person. And again, for confidence. Yeah, that's fine. That's fine. Yeah. That's supporting me. And like, she's like, how fucking dare you go talk to somebody before coming to me? I was like, well, I needed to tell somebody. It was a fucking 515 this morning when I, you know, I really knew about it.

Yeah, but you could understand why she'd be freaked out because I would, she would think that the most important person to tell would be like your family, you know, because that's who gets affected by it the most. Exactly. Exactly. And so in all of this clarity, you can never tell somebody it's to be perfect. That's the thing I want people to get. Totally. Yeah. It's always going to be a bad time. It's always going to be a bad time.

It's always going to be the wrong time. My recommendation is just ripped up the band-aid and let it bleed out. You're right. It bled like a whole thing. And so I get off the plane back in the hometown and then, you know, drive to see her. We took off the rest of the day. I called my supervisor. And again, I worked pretty intense. And I thought like, do I need to take the rest of the day off personal emergency, emergency level shit. So we go and talk and, I mean, dude, she gives me to find a first of the first of, I mean, she gives me to fucking riot order, as you would expect.

But I want to tell people's like, in all of that chaos outside of it, it was like for the first fucking time, Kathy, after having those experiences the previous two days, I could look at myself in the mirror. I was ready for that moment, dude. I was ready to get punched in the face. I was ready for her to be frustrated, yell at me. So it was almost like the Matrix movie where it's like, you finally had control over your own emotions. I wasn't triggered. I wasn't fucking being as defensive as I am even on this call. You know, I just took.

it. And I heard her and I fucking got it. She's like what, what, she got to a point where she literally was like, in her hands, like, where the fuck do we go? Yeah. Where do you go? Well, here's what I think we should do. I know. And so where we're at and this is kind of leading to where we're at today is, you know, I'm asking her for permission, you know, to consider getting out of the marriage, but also going through marriage council and keeping all the options on the table. too I want to make sure she understands that you know this is authentic and real that I've been in denial for my entire life and this is a realization that is a lifetime realization I do want to commit to co-parenting the rest of this life and I think I even told her in a way too this is going to open me up to be such a better fucking dad

you know to my kids and I'm so fucking excited to be a great dad to them because now I can be so much more authentic. I could look my two boys in the eye and we're expecting a girl. And I can look all three of them in the fucking face and say, dad was honest and I'm honest. And yes, our fucking family is going to be like a fucking sitcom or Jerry Springer shit. But you know what, dude, at the end of the fucking day, I'm going to be able to die happy. Like, that's like the shit. You know, it's like, yeah, my legacy might be a little bit whack, but like, it's not authentic to who I am. And you know what? Damn it. You know, I'm fucking stoked for it. I'm ready. Are you ready to come out to everybody else? your family or have you already done that? Great question. So it's a two-way street, right? So I did not

hold my wife back from speaking to anybody. She wanted to go fucking to Facebook and throw that shit up there. Yeah. Uh-huh. She didn't. Because I believe the single spouse in this is the fucking victim. Like I'm straight straight at saying, like they're in this situation, they're the victim. So you have to be compassionate with them and allow them to grieve the way that they need so I was like you can do what you want but but the conversation we had really did kind of pause her because she really just needed to know I was planning on she wants to see me happy she saw me you know binge drinks she's the one who saw me getting heavier she's the one who saw me go through all those fucking therapy sessions so she saw everything she saw unhappy I was right um so she was very

compassionate with me in the long run Kathy with all with regards to all this and so that's great she really did have a heart for me where she's like dude yeah like fuck like you know, let's just see where this goes. I mean, obviously, I'm probably 99% strongly. So she's told some friends, confidants, and actually one of her friends is ironically a therapist who validated my fucking experience to her. It's my wife. She's like, dude, I've seen people like this that have these emotional experiences and they come out. Very normal. Obviously, she was pretty pissed at me, like, because we're friends, I know her very well. She just at me that I did it when my, you know, wife and her friend, the therapist

friend, who was my wife. know, was pregnant. I mean, she's like, that's fucked up. And I agree that that's fucking fucked up. Um, but, you know, overall she's like, no, totally normal. And that really gave my wife this veil of confidence and calmness that gosh, was like a fucking huge for the weekend. So now, you know, Friday and I have the rest of the fucking weekend. And so you know, what about? The weekend, I was able to, yeah, fucking iron some of the shit out. So she's talked to her friends. I've talked to the only person I told as far as my younger brother, who I told that I had

two-settled thoughts about four months ago because she was getting way out of control and so that brought us all the tears. My wife was on the call because I couldn't get through the call. But that's major that you told your brother too. You told your younger brother, that's great. That's a big thing. And that was really fucking huge.

So my parents don't know, her parents don't know. That's probably on the docket. But I think we also need kind of a therapy session together before we do that. And so again, I don't want to turn this into a fucking pragmatic shit. Like this is about turning people on. through the podcast, so I get that. No, what do you mean?

I'm always making jokes about how I cockblock the good stuff, because I don't care about that stuff. I think that the people are going to be listening to this episode, the same way you listened. And for the, some people will just listen because they're curious, like I am, but some people are going to be listening the same way you listen to Owen's podcast. They're listening because maybe they don't even realize it, but they're in the same position.

So the pragmatic stuff is interesting, too, because it helps them. Well, thank you for this. just kind of like one of the things where I'm not, I'm not here to entertain people, but I also am here to give people a raw hyperbole of it all, which is it's fucking amazing to be able to look at myself in the mirror. My wife gave me feedback that I've never seen you this calm before in your entire fucking life.

You seem like you love to talk to me now where you didn't before. You're just fucking amazing around the kids this last weekend. And she's like, in a weird way, she's like, why the fuck could you be this way during our marriage? Right. And then, so there is some weird fucking kind of like, we swing back and forth where she's like, wait, like, if he's like, if he's like this and he still does like love me, why can't, you know, so that's where like the pragmatic shit kind of needs to come back in play here where it's like at some point I need to kind of, not put the walls up, but we need to kind of start either our own trajectory or trajectory back together because this kind of, we're in a period of stagnation where we need to choose some pretty serious choices, which is, you know, do we separate but still, you know, focus on co-parenting and, and. this and the other, which is pretty much a staple. That's pretty much a done deal.

But, you know, I just don't foresee this based on how crazy I felt and how happy I was in those emotions and feelings to see myself having a long-term healthy relationship. Roots-wise, similar to what Owen said with my wife. I just don't think over a long period of time it's going to satisfy her the way. And or you, because what's going to happen is you're going to be pushing down that feeling. But because you had like a little bit. little glimpse of it, you know, it's going to be hard to suppress it, right? And then what are you going to do? Become one of these other guys that I've had in my podcast and you're going to be

living a double life and having secret lives, you know, secret boyfriends. You know, you don't want to get into all that because you're already more than halfway there. You've come out to your brother, which is huge. He could go tell the rest of your family for you if you want. You've come out to your wife, which is huge at the worst time imaginable. And she's coping and dealing. And you guys are still communicating and, you know, through it. So it's just like you could see the finish line. You're most likely going to leave her as you should because you're a gay man. Because, listen, if you really care about her, you want her to be in a satisfying

relationship too. You know, she's not, she's not completely fulfilled either. You know? Absolutely. And actually, that's one of the triggers. I don't think I really highlight was that she said, I'm lonely when I was around her. Actually, I did. Yeah.

You know, she was lonely. Yeah, yeah. They're like, how the fuck are you love me? I'm around you all the fucking time. Because you could never give her that full thing that she's looking for, just like she could never give it to you. So she'll eventually have somebody else as well.

Yeah. So you'll both be better off eventually. Yeah, but you'll both be better off eventually when she meets somebody. You know, it's hard, though. It's hard for a woman with three kids. She's going to have an infant soon, you know, and what is she going to do? Go date.

Like, it's like, you know, and you're going to be like having the best time of your life because you just come into your own and she's going to be like, what the fuck? Like, you know, what does she do? You know, I feel a little bit more sorry for her because she may have a harder time of it because, like you say, she's more of the victim in this situation. It's kind of like, you know, you take a shit in her backyard and then you go on and she's got to clean up a lot of it, you know, in her own life because she's, she still is the same person, but she's just like, you know, the rug has been pulled from beneath her.

Whereas you're like just coming into your own and you know you could meet a guy Very soon after right and start to have an emotional connection with them and start to experience all this new stuff that you want Eventually though please if we talk five years from now your wife is also going to move on meet another guy have a really great relationship and that's going to be good for her as well You know so it's for me again the pragmatics of this is stability is the word that comes to mind so and again I'm not faking this is authentic like my focus for the next part 12 i mean you can't leave a fucking newborn baby i don't care who you are you know with a single mom of yeah that's what i'm saying that's hard yeah yeah doing fucking dudes you can't fucking do that so my commitment really is to to really the next 18 months or so um shelve not repress and it's a very important word for me

to yeah uh-huh totally you know i have all these things i'm shelving the actions and behaviors of that like i'm still going to feel what i feel and be fucking authentic but i'm going to focus on all that fucking depression, anxiety, weight gain, all the fucking things, and do the self-care side of this for the next 12, 18 months, but also be a fucking great parent, be a great friend. Yeah. A deep friend of my wife. I might need to probably start cutting off the wild sex, you know, like we did last night.

But, you know, but still support her. And sometimes you need that, like, that sex, you know, just periodically to, like, kind of show her how committed you are, like, and then I am still functional in all this shit. But once I go out, I think it might be like once you go black, you never go back. Yeah, you're going to have to just keep your, I think, yeah, you guys are going to obviously keep the lines of communication and, like you said, to total transparency between each other. So if you ever cross that line and you go to a guy within that time period within the next 18 months while you're sort of supporting her and the baby, you know, emotionally. Like, you know, you'll have discussions with her. But I think, you know, just let it unfold the way that it does.

I'm assuming the wild sex just happened last night and it didn't happen. And you know, you're going to be giving up like, like you're going to be putting to rest like a huge part of you, right, to become like the gay part of you. So like, you know, that will teeter off while you become the other person and it'll just happen organically. And I think it's great that, you know, you will be able to have some time to sort of pull away from your wife and go into that new life. And you know what I'm saying? Instead of it just happening so drastically. because she got so angry and kicked you out of the house. You know, that could have been a very big possibility.

But that didn't happen. So I think it's like great the way it's happening. I want to see how it plays out. You know, I think that, you know, in two weeks from now, there could be a whole other story going on. I don't know why I say that, but I just feel that way with you. Like you're on a massive high right now and things seem to be really great for four days. You said four days. So I don't know.

I do believe overall, though, you're in like a great place, right? I think like things will go back and forth and stuff, you know, because it just will, because you guys are going through like a crazy time. But I think eventually when you settle in, it'll most likely be without her and with, but I would love to like, you know, just because I think that the story is something that other people might want to hear because they might want to go through this at some point and they haven't taken that leap. You know, so it was like, I would love to do like, you know, another podcast. And when you get with a guy for the first time, you know, at those times of this story, right, to sort of figure out what's, or not to figure out, but here, what happens to you and your relationship with your wife and the relationship with a guy when you actually take that step, you know, because that's like the next part, that's the next chapter in this story, right?

Like, do I even want to do this? And it was like the amount of pain and stress and anxiety and all this shit that I was going through just kind of in some. Right. I needed to tell people my story. And so really the purpose and hope and spirit of bringing this to you guys is that nobody should ever feel like they lose hope. Because I really was getting pretty low in my hope. You're ready to jump off the boat.

You're ready to jump off the boat. Yeah. And it's like literally you're having those thoughts. And I don't think I would have ever taken the action on it. But it was just like I needed. But some people would. You know, that's a scary place to be. Okay.

Depression, hardcore depression, suicidal thoughts. me, you know, so if you want to connect with me, go through Kathy. I'm more than happy to... Yeah, because let me just say that you had emailed me and you wanted to connect with Owen, but I didn't have his email because I emailed him through Craigslist and his ad, when those ads go away sometimes if I don't have, you know, and I never keep anyone's phone numbers. I send you all the emails he had sent me, but I didn't have it.

So if Owen's listening, A, he'd like to talk to you, email me, Owen, okay? And you will talk to him, but if somebody else is in your position, it would be great. like you could support them. It would probably be helpful for you to help somebody because you said at some point in this podcast that you're like, oh, you know, you wish it you could have been more honest years ago because then you wouldn't have to gone through everything. But I think at the end of the day, because we can't go back and change time. We have to be happy with exactly the way things played out because like, you know,

it happened for a reason. And if that reason is that you help other people because of what you went through and you know things from both sides, right? You're not somebody that's always been out. you know you were someone that was completely in the closet like and that could be that could be a part of you that is wind up to be good because you become more understanding and you could actually help other people do you know what I mean so that could be you could look at that in a in a good way as opposed to like a negative right because that's all we got like I said you can't go back and change that but maybe that becomes something that like you know makes you an expert and you can help people

because you are very well spoken and you are pretty honest now that you're in a more honest place and I think that you actually can help people And that'd be great. So if anybody's going through this and wants to talk to you, Marco, I'll put you guys in touch. But like I said, I want to know the next chapter, which is when you actually get with a guy or you leave your wife or whatever. So we could keep up with the story. Like, I'm curious. And how it progresses. Do you know what I mean?

Absolutely. And thanks again, guys, for your time. And yeah, please do reach out. Like, don't hold it in. Yeah, no, I will send any emails over to you if anybody is listening and wants to hear. And the great thing about podcast is they live online for forever. It's not like just the week that I air it. Do you know what I mean?

Someone could find it six months from now, you know? So you never know. But thanks so much for calling in and keep in touch, please. And good luck with everything. Thanks, bye, Marco. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers,

is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like

penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. Chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is. available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody

shares content with each other, and that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contest where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Sent it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.

This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. You have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story, And your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.