Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 205 - Mary is Married and Miserable

Episode Date: November 20, 2017

Mary calls in to talk all about how miserable she is in her marriage and also talks about what happened to her in her childhood that started her down her miserable path. What happened to her when she was younger? What exactly is wrong in her marriage? What can she do to become less miserable? Tune in to find out plus hear all about how she acted out with drugs, sex and the wrong guys as a coping mechanism to deal with her issues and hear some good advice about what she can now do about it. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast with Kathy.

If you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Twitter, follow show at strict anonymous or follow me at cartoon therapy. If you want to be on the show, send me an email at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. This is a call and advice show where I talk to total strangers and I give them my unprofessional advice when they're looking for advice. Sometimes people just call into my show because they want to talk about their secret lives or their interesting lives that they live, live, lead, whatever. So if you want to be on my show, send me an email strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. Mary, the girl who I talked to today, she wrote into the show.

She was like, oh, my problem doesn't really, it's not really like that interesting. I don't know if you want me on my show, you know. Basically, she's a married girl who's not really happy in her marriage. but she has this very detailed history of how she got to that miserable marriage. It's really interesting. And she was really looking for advice. And really, I started my podcast because I like to help people. And I just wanted to call on a advice show.

So podcasts like this, when I'm just talking to somebody that actually really is looking for advice and at that place in their life where they really need the help to like sort of change things in their life. I love these kind of podcasts because this is what I love to do. And I think that this girl is ready to change her life. Mary, even though she's miserable. And the title just sounds so sad, like married, miserable, Mary or whatever. I'm going to fucking title it. Something sad and miserable.

But it's not a sad and miserable podcast. It's just, you know, real life shit. Like this is a girl that had something pretty horrible happened to her when she was younger. And we talk all about that. And then she acted out and did all kinds of things and wound up in a relationship with a guy that she doesn't really like and she's not really happy with him. But like we discussed. Like would she be happy with anyone else? Is she happy with herself?

Like, you know, that's all the kind of stuff that we talk about. And, you know, you could imagine the answer to that question, right? But anyway, what else? We talk about, you know, because we talk about like, you know, she's in bad relationships and she acted out because of the shit that happened to her. And I talked about a lot about my relationship history. and how bad that was. And we talk about my book that I wrote, that she said she had purchased.

So if you're listening to that part, and you're like, oh, what the fuck is this book? My book is called The Cartoon Misadventures of a total train wreck, and it's available on Amazon. And you could buy it there. It's basically a book that I wrote and drew. It's like a graphic novel,

like full of stick figures and relationships gone very wrong stories or like short stories. And it's true. It's like basically like my losing my virginity story until I turned 40 and every single guy I dated. So you could buy that, like I said, on Amazon. And I'm not a writer, but just to be foreworn. I'm not a writer and I can't fucking draw, but I wrote and drew a book.

But I think it's kind of funny. And I think it's kind of interesting. So if you want to buy it right there. But I'm going to be right back on with Mary. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone? to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous.

Strictly anonymous. Hey, Miserable Mary, you're on the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. How are you doing today? I'm doing good. How are you? I'm good, but you are miserable, right? I mean, you're good, but I'm calling you miserable Mary because you left it up to me to make your name up, right? And I was looking through your- Yeah, and I was looking through your email. We have like a couple of things we're going to talk about that happened to you in the past,

but like basically the gist is like you're a miserable married person right now. And I was like, oh, what goes- Yeah, I'm like, what goes good with that? And it's like, miserable, married, Mary, right? There you go. But there's- Absolutely. Yeah, but there's things that we're going to talk about that made you

miserable. Besides the fact that you're married to someone that you're not happy with, there's stuff that happened to you, though, when you were younger that really, I think, was so tragic that it definitely set you down the wrong path, right, and changed your life because it was really hard to deal with, right? And then you acted out sexually with drugs and alcohol and all that kinds of stuff, right? And now, yeah, absolutely. Right. And that would, like, why don't you explain what happened, like, what that pivotal time was like in your life and what, what happened to you that made you sort of act out like that. Okay, so, well, I was a late bloomer getting my lovely, my police friend, I guess.

We'll start there. And because of that, I ended up having to go for surgery. So they were just going and see, you know, what was going on, see if they could make things happen for me. And so I go under the knife and wake up. And it was, you could see the work on people's faces that. things weren't quite right. So after, you know, I came down a little bit off the drugs they had me on,

my mom sat me down and basically told me, you know, they had found out that my uterus was cracked in half while they were inside and they had removed it while I was under. I decision my mom made well with the doctor because they thought that would be the best idea. So I guess at 14, I had a personal hysterectomy. So that really pushed the ball because, you know, women always want to be. be moms and that was always one of my biggest dreams in life. So finding that out, waking up, I guess it devastated me.

It's really dead. I could imagine, especially because it's on so many levels, it's devastating. And like, let me ask you this. Do you know how your uterus was cracked in half? Like, did you have any kind of bad accidents when you were younger? Like, how did that happen? Or were you born that way? Like, what did they say?

Right. Like, I don't know. They don't know, to be honest. They don't have a 100% answer. It's very, very uncommon. It doesn't really happen. And the doctor really had no answers as to why it happened. I kind of think back to one time when I was younger.

About five, I think I was. And I was on a teeter-totter with no candles. And so the one girl on the other side jumped off. And I landed really hard. And I remember it's fucking killed. So I don't know if that had something to do with it. Right. Uh-huh.

I mean, than that, there's no real answer. So I think that's another hard part, right? Just not knowing why. Yeah, totally. And then... A fake why person, right? Right. And you had no pain or anything. It was strictly they found out because like, you weren't getting your period and you were like, how old 16 at the time? And you still hadn't gotten in it? I was 14, yeah. And I hadn't got my period yet. So they were a little concerned.

But that's a little bit. Let me just ask you this, though, because I mean, don't some people not get it to... I think I was like 15 and I didn't feel like I was very... really late. Like, why at 14 where they decided to put you under the knife? I think that that's, like, very young to make such a drastic, I mean, drastic decision. Like, that's not that old. I mean, it wasn't like you were 17 and you

still hadn't got your period. No. 14. That's not, like, that young? No. Right. And so, I mean, I thought it was pretty young, too. You know, my mom was the first one to be a little concerned about it. You know, she's like, well, it never comes to me. And I'm like, well, that hasn't happened, right? And so, you know, with her,

talking with her friends and stuff, and all my girlfriend had already got their period and I think my mom was just concerned right so she just went in and she had booked appointment with the doctor and you know they had done a whole bunch of tests first just to see you know make sure everything was good and it was so they're like well let's just go and look maybe I guess all girls have a band and if the band doesn't let go I guess you don't have your period yeah but let me ask you this but let me ask you this was there because maybe you don't have a memory of it because it was so long ago I don't know how you old you are now but like did anyone say at that point, like maybe wait two years and see if you get your period and then go under the knife?

No, like there was, there was no waiting. It was all pretty quick. Like from, I remember from, you know, my mom's first being concerned and everyone's saying, well, it's a little late that she hasn't yet to actually going under the knife. I'd say it wasn't even six months. Okay, but what grade are you in when you're 13? Maybe I don't remember 14. How well, like, what grade were you? I was in grade nine at that point.

Oh, you're in ninth grade. I just, maybe I don't remember that. It just doesn't seem like super old, but anyway. So who cares? Like, that's neither here or there, right? I mean, the truth that, like, the fact is that that's what happened. They put you under, like, did you ever go investigating now that there's the internet and you could do all this research and stuff, like whether they had to give you a partial

hysterectomy, like, whether that was something that had to be done? Or could you have lived with a broken uterus and carried a baby or no? I could have lived with it, yes, I could have not carried a baby like that, no. I obviously done some research here and there. Yeah. But I don't think they had to remove it, to be honest. I think the kind of colleges I had at the time, she was one of the leading in the country, and she just said to my mom, I guess, it would be best to remove it now while they were in there,

and so that's what they decided. But it wasn't like if they left it, it would have changed. things. I mean, you would have woke up from that. You still would have woke up from that operation with really bad news, that devastating news. Like, you cannot have a baby. And I think for people that don't understand, like, whether you're a woman and you just had a baby or that never happened to you or you're man and you don't even understand what it's like to be a woman. But I think that like, you know, every woman, it's just like a given, like you have a baby. You know what I mean? It's just like something that goes with you. It's just like, it's like a, like I said, like a given. So if you're like a woman

that can't. It doesn't make sense. You know what I mean? And it feels very unfair. As somebody that went through massive infertility in my life, I understand that on some level, you know? And what I think people, unless they've gone through sort of serious infertility or something like what you've been through, they don't understand maybe how much of a blow that is and why that would be something that would be so severe for someone to go completely haywire because you turn to like, like you said, drugs and alcohol and sex and all these kinds of things because it completely ruined you because you wanted to be a mom always like that was a very strong urge for you and now at 14 you're told that like you were not able to and it's almost like being defective right like or not a woman you know it doesn't it seems

I'm sure very unfair at the time and like what's the point oh absolutely yeah and then you got to think like and I'm you know like if you meet a guy right and you want to get married and how do you tell him like, oh, like, you know, I can't have babies. Like, how does he get them? Yeah. Yeah. It's like it's so much, it's such heavy shit. And you're such a young age. Like that's an age where you're dealing with so many other things at the time. Like as a woman, you know what I mean? Like body issues and the way you look and high school and fucking other girls and everything. Everything is so hard to begin with. You don't need like something so hardcore like that on top of it. Like it's just it's too much. It's too much. So,

you know, it's very understandable. But I think that happened at a different age, I might have been able to handle it better, but maybe when you're 35. So young. Yeah, maybe we're, because you don't know what's, it's like how it's going to affect your life and it's going to affect your life. And it's all like question marks, right?

And it's just like, and the only absolute is that you will not be able to have your own child. And I think that is a very difficult thing, considering that every other woman will be, right, except you. That's what it feels like. And, you know, there are a small majority. of women that can and go through things, but it's not like it's not the majority of people, you know? I was watching, I went through many years of infertility and went through a lot of hard things to have a baby.

And like, I was watching Judge Judy the other night and I was trying to take a picture of this, like, crazy woman on Judge Judy that had like six babies with like eight different fathers. Like, because I wanted to take a baby. Because she looked like an insane version. I wanted to send it to my sister and be like, why the fuck could someone like this have like eight babies and other women just can't? You know what I mean? Like, because, you know, I meant. It's just it, yeah. You always see these people and it's like, what the fuck?

Why can you have kids? And you don't even talk to you want them. Yeah, exactly. I can't. Yeah, it doesn't make sense. It's so, it's so brutal for women that go through that. You know, and people don't talk about it enough for other women to be able to relate. So you feel very alone, right?

So then what happens is you turn to drugs and alcohol. You said you got like slutty and you acted out that way. So why don't you take it from there? So that, like, we feel. It was a major blow, and so I turned to blow, I guess. I turned to a lot of drugs, actually. I dabbled in everything you could imagine, and I lost my virginity shortly there after that.

Probably from 14 to 17 was just like a fucking whirlwind of, you know, my mom didn't very much like who I was becoming, and that was hard. I ended up moving out, and, you know, I ended up with the worst. wrong guys and, you know, partying and just the wrong crowd. And I was trying to, you know, make myself feel better, but obviously it just made everything way fucking worse. Yeah, because you had 18 more problems.

Right. Yeah, you're just digging your hole deeper and you're going to eventually have to get yourself out of that. Yeah. Absolutely. So it was just, it was how long meals. And so I ended up, you know, there was a point. and I went to be a counselor for a bit, actually, and she really helped, and she really helped me get my life back on track for a bit after that.

I started going back to high school. I guess I had moved to a new city, too, in this time, so that was nice. It was kind of like a fresh start, so I was like, okay, I'm going to change who I am and, you know, maybe not be such a big slut this time around or whatever. And so I started this new high school, and I meet some new people, but. you know, I find like, no matter where you go, you always end up attracting the same kind of people. Well, you know, they have that saying. No, no, no. The saying is like wherever you go, there you are.

Like, it's like people, a lot of people like move to the other side of the country when they want like a change within themselves. And they don't realize that like your problems go with you. Like you are who you are no matter where you live, right? I mean, so. Yeah. That's not going to be. You are your own problem. Yeah, whatever.

So you wind up in the new place. But like, you're still dealing with. with a lot of your same issues. Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, so I started a whole new life, basically, at 16, 17, no, 17, I guess. We knew people, and this one guy, you know, we became really close friends. And I was always the girl that, you know, needed to date the hottest guys at school. And, you know, I guess I put myself a little more attractive than the average person.

So you're like a, wait, wait, you're like a, wait, you're like an 8.5 or a 9 on the scale of 1 to 10? What do you consider yourself? Yeah, I've been told I was a 9 numerous times. So we'll say 8.59 for sure. I mean, right now I'm probably a little bit more of a 7.5 because I've gained a little weight with my miserable merry attitude. Right.

But besides the point. Right. So you were hot and you always had to get like the hottest guy and then you hook up and meet this guy, right? And you're like around 17 in your new town? Yeah. Yeah. So, you know, he was always the player.

and I knew that because we were very good friends for a while before we decided to get together. And then it just happened, you know, we were at a party and one thing leads to another and we ended up talking that night. And I did have a boyfriend of that time. So I ended up having to break up with him. So, and then me and this guy got together. And we were together for quite a few years. So all through high school, we were living together and stuff. And, you know, up and down.

and so I graduated. I was late graduating school, obviously, because I dropped out for a bit. So graduated by the time I was 20, I think. Right. So, yeah, moving on then and go to college and come home the one day to find out that there's been this rumor. And the rumor is that this girl, we all know, is pregnant with my boyfriend at the time of baby. And so I'm like And you know I have to say

It's like you know It's not just like for any girl that would be Horrifying but for you it's double horrifying Because it's one he cheated on you Yeah This person's gonna have with him what you could never have So it's like your faith is being just like Shoveed in the mud and like you can't

Like I mean it's just like there's nothing worse than that I mean right You're something that you can't deal with to begin with and now you're having to face it in the most horrifying position. This is, like, really bad. Yeah. Absolutely. It was honestly horrible.

Yeah. I can still look back now, and I think it still affects me to this day, to be honest. I mean, you know, I'm not as much, obviously, but, I mean, you still think about it, and it's like, what the fuck, you know? So that was a big, long story, and, you know, we tried to work things out, and it didn't happen, and so I ended up very careful. up with him. So that thing ended, right? And then do you eventually, do you meet this guy or do you go on another crazy binge of drugs and shit?

Oh, I went on another crazy binge of drugs and fucking and partying. And so I ended up with that guy's brother for a little. The guy that got you, the guy, oh, was that like a kind of like a revenge fuck? I think so, yeah. But it turned into more than a revenge fuck because we ended up. moving in together for a little while and obviously that relationship was going nowhere and he was fucking crazy. Well, how come is that because he was crazy too?

Because like, I mean, maybe he was a great guy. He was crazy too like the brother? The brother, yeah, the brother was crazy too. And like they didn't speak. They'd never talk for like the longest time. So there was like a big thing there between them already. And then when me and the brother hooked up, I think it made it even worse. and so the craziness just blew up and, you know, he was into drugs pretty good too.

So, I mean, that sucks with your mind too. And I mean, the fights would get really bad and get physical. Physical, like that's a very... For both of you beating each other up or just him beating you up? Just him beating me up. It ended up, you know, he got charged. Like, it was pretty bad. I mean, I'm kind of walking over it now like it's no big deal.

but that was like another thing going on at the same time, right? That was just messing me up. Like, um, I thought, the one night I really thought he was going to kill me. Um, that was the last night. That was the night the cops came and that's when I passed my shit and moved out. Right. Well, what unfortunately happens? And it's because it's like a snowball effect, like, effect.

And you're like, you know, what's the thing that happened first, a chicken or the egg? Like, and eventually at this point in your life, like the stuff that's happening to you, like you're, you're, not you think you're a willing participant, right? But you're not as much of the, victim anymore because like you're going into these sort of situations. Yeah, granted you're fucked up on drugs and everything, but like you're so damaging because you're not working yourself or fixing that part of you. Like you're doing all these things kind of to yourself, right? Like I'm not saying that like I've did the same thing, you know, but it's not like, oh, you know,

what happened to you when you were younger and you were so powerless when like your fucking uterus was taken from you without, you know? Right. It wasn't that situation. Now you're just wayward. And you're your own, you know, you can't get out of the way of yourself and your own worst enemy. You're dating stupid guys. They're all terrible. But that's what you're attracting to yourself because you're a mess, right? Like attracts like.

Yeah. I did it too. Absolutely. Been there or done that. I totally understand. But you're a mess. You only attract messes, right? Yeah, of course.

On some level it's the same. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, obviously that broke off and I moved out and I moved out and I ended up moving in with my dad then, actually, for a little while. and that's when I met my now husband. Okay, and what was his deal at the time? So his deal at the time was,

I was living in a small town at that time, so I haven't seen this guy kind of walking by and stuff, and I always thought he was pretty hot. But I didn't know him, and nobody I knew him, and I knew pretty much everybody, so I was like, who is this guy? So one night I'm out actually with my aunt on Valentine's Day, and we're out having dinner,

and this guy and his dad ends up coming in and sitting at a table behind us. Coincidental, right? The same guy that was walking by that you've always thought was kind of hot. Yeah, the mystery man. Yeah. The mystery man. Yeah. He's now sitting not even far deep from me.

Yeah, that's crazy. So I get a little bit of liquid courage into me, of course. And, you know, my aunt at the time was like, go for it. Give them your memories, right? How old are you? I just ask you a quick question. How old are you at this point? At this point, I'm 22.

Okay, cool. 22, 23. Okay, go on. Okay. One or the other. Yeah, early 20s anyway. Uh-huh. So, yeah, I follow him outside and I'm asking maybe he wants to go for coffee time and, like, sure, and he gives me his number and so I text him later that night and he didn't respond.

And I was like, what the fuck? Because, you know, I've never had those problems. So a couple hours go by and this guy finally responds. And I'm like, okay. So we waited a couple days and we hang out and I go up to his place or whatever and We just hung out you know nothing happens. So he went home and then I don't know you I started to remember being a mystery guy He was really mysterious too you know like he would only talk to me here and there and then like we'd make plans and all of a sudden he would have to cancel them

And I'm like what the fuck is going on with this guy right So it turns out he was a closet junkie. So why didn't I know that? I should have, yeah, he should have been able to figure that out. Did you ever do heroin yourself? No, no, I've never done heroin. Okay.

That's about the only drugs haven't done. Right, right, right, right. Right. Uh-huh. Yeah. So he was a closet. So how did you find out? Like, how long into your relationship did you find out?

It was like four months into the relationship. I mean, like, you know, we'd only hang out every now and then, and then you disappear off. saved the year for a couple days and and then finally he just came out the one day we'd gone to a big fight and he was like okay I saw crack and you know I'm really ashamed

of it and that's why I always disappeared and I was like what the fuck so I'm like okay it was crack not heroin it was crack not heroin yeah yeah okay I'm like okay I need to stay the fuck away from this guy I've been down this road it's not good I guess we could back up

a bit so the father of my ex that I was sleeping with, he ended up passing away of a heroin overdose. So, I mean, after that, it kind of opened your eyes, you know, and it's just like, fuck, it could be me, it could be you, you know? So I wanted to stay away from that. I'm like, I'm earlier enough in the relationship. I should just go. And so I had tried to lead him at that point.

And he, like, literally was calling me, like, a hundred times a day. Like, he went crazy, and he was like, you know, I'll clean my ass. if you just come back and blah, blah, blah. And, like, so, you know, that went on for a couple weeks. And I probably shouldn't have shared as much information with my mom at that time as I did because I wasn't planning on getting back with him, right? That always happens, right? Yeah, you tell your girlfriends, I mean, in this case, it was your mom even worse.

But even when you tell your girlfriends, like all the bad shit about the guy when you're angry at him and you need someone to talk. And then you go back with him and then they still fucking hate him. And you're like in La La Land again. you get mad at them. You get mad at them for still hating him and everyone. That's why girls get like get in fights, big fights over shit like that. But at least it was, it's worse than it's your mom because, you know, this is going to be her future son-in-law.

It was worse because it was my mom. Like my girlfriends, obviously, I told them to, but like they got over and they're like, whatever. That's what makes you happy. That's what makes you happy, you know. But my mom wasn't so easy going that way. She was just like, why are you doing this? You know, obviously your girlfriends were just as fucked up as you were because who's telling their girlfriend, oh yeah, go back to your crackhead boyfriend. Like if that makes you happy.

No, I know, right? Exactly. Yeah. Okay. So he says he's going to get himself. Other than my mom. Right. He says he's going to get himself clean.

Like, did he get himself clean? He did get himself clean. Yeah. So, I mean, there were a couple flip-ups here and there. And, you mean, you know, I was really. was up and down and I had trouble trusting him for the long as time because of A what happened prior with my ex and then the drugs too because a lot of people who are on drugs you know it changes them and they become really good at lying and hiding in it right? Yeah totally. You never know and then all of a sudden we start going a little bit crazier and it's like okay what the fuck you're doing drugs again you know so

the early years were in a relationship, you know, a lot of that stuff happened. And we broke up a couple of times. The one time we had broke up, because we had moved in together at this point, I guess. So I had found out he's doing drugs again, and I had moved out one day while he was at work. My girlfriend came to help me pack up, and I'd moved to her place. And we were broken up for, I know, two or three months at that point, and we'd both start talking other people. And I don't know why.

There's just always something about this guy that drew me back. So here I go, get back with him again. He cleaned his life back up and, you know, he stopped the drug. And about a year after that, he had asked me to marry him. So I said yes, which I knew was the wrong thing to do at that point. Because, you know, when you just know you're just not meant for each other. Like, I'd already figured that out. But, like, I don't know.

I just couldn't say no for some reason. And I just felt bad saying no. And so here we are planning this wedding. And, like, I even ended up flying out to be one of my friends for a couple days because I was like, dude, like, I should not be doing this. And, you know, she agreed. And she's like, you know, just break it off now. And I'm like, I know, but we've done so much planning and spent so much money.

And she's like, it doesn't fucking matter, you know. But stupid me, I don't know. I felt bad. And so I went through with it. and here I'm walking down the fucking aisle high is the kite on my wedding day. Oh, you are? Like, high for a lot.

Like, when you say high, like, high on weed, high, like, what were you high on? High on weed, high on pills. Right. It was a mix at that point, yeah. Okay. So here I come walking down the aisle just, you know, off and left field,

just to get through the day, I feel like, I don't know why I did that. Again, you know, here I am self-avidaging, doing something I know I shouldn't be doing, and I just force myself to do it anyway. well, we got married, we went on our honeymoon. We just caught like 90% of our honeymoon. It was rather shitty, let me tell you.

Why didn't you spend 90% in the room? Is that what you said? Having fun or like what? No, we spent 90% of the time fighting. Oh, fighting. Where were you fighting over? Just every stupid little thing, you know, I'd want to go out and do something. He just wanted to sit around and go to sleep, you know?

But was your relationship always like that? Like, were you incompatible on those ways? too, like in big ways and little ways, like you just couldn't stand each other, but you still want to marry each other? Yes, right, exactly. Like, we are totally incompatible in every way you could imagine, and for some reason we both decide to marry each other. Is this sex really good?

No, we don't even have sex. I don't think I've had sex in here at this fucking point, so, I mean, in the beginning the sex is good, yeah. But that wasn't what was pulling you back. No, it wasn't the sex at all. I'm a pretty sexual person. I'm not going to lie. But, I mean, I think that's one of the things

is probably making me so miserable right now is a lot of sex and even just, you know, sexual things. I just don't feel it anymore, right? Right. And you did tell me in your email that, like, you gain 60 pounds. I mean, we'll get to the present day eventually. But, like, you know, all that kind of stuff is probably feeds into this whole thing of not having sex

and then not feeling sexual and not. And then you physically don't even look sexy anymore. like it's just this whole you're like a hamster like running in that circle thing you know what I mean like you just can't get out and it's just getting worse and worse but um so you went through with the marriage and then you're so let me ask you this though like how does it play out in a relationship because I think it's like hard like how does he get when he gets straight right and he cleans his act up is that mean he just gets straight from crack and he still smokes weed with you and drinks and stuff or does he get totally sober like how is it that he

He could like, you're sitting there helping him when you're like getting high and doing all the stuff too. I think that's right now? Yeah. No, like so he just gets cleaned from like the crap. So like he smokes weed with me. But he doesn't, it makes him really tired. So he doesn't really like to smoke it that much. Like he smokes it before that kind of thing.

But he does drink. So he likes his beer. He usually drinks beer every day. So I don't, I wouldn't say he's an alcoholic. But I mean, he likes to drink. So I think that's kind of what, you know, keeps him kosher and okay and helps him get through through the days too, right? Oh my God, that's so funny.

I don't think he's an alcoholic, but I definitely think he needs alcohol to be okay during the day. I mean, like, do you hear what that sounds like? Most people don't need alcohol to feel okay during the day. No, right? And I mean, he doesn't really drink during the day, but he drinks every day. So, I think, and it's when he gets home, right? So I feel like, you know, he's drinking because he's home and he's here with me and he's just as miserable, right? But it's like, as much as I feel like he's just as miserable as I am, every time I bring up the possibility or idea of, you know, maybe as separating.

He, like, goes into this total, like, depresso. I'm going to kill myself a fucking thing. And it's like, well, like, you know, every day of the last week, you've been so miserable. And now I say, let's just end the misery. And now, you know, that makes you miserable. And if I'm not there, you're going to kill yourself. And it's like, but you don't make me feel like you like me like that, you know? Yeah, this is one of those, like, wretched relationships that all of your friends, like,

it's like the kind of relationship that makes you, if you're not in a relationship, happy that you're not a relationship. Because it's just so, it's just like bad on every little. You don't even have good sex. And you're just fighting all the time and you're just miserable. And then when you want to leave, you just like, and that's like where you're at now. I mean, and it was always sort of bad, right? And it was always, and I don't know.

I'm not going to get too heavy into this because this is not what this podcast is about. And I talk about a lot of other podcasts. But I think both of you have like maybe issues with substance and stuff. Like I don't know why you guys haven't sort of looked into that area in your lives, like both of you separately. You know, what was the last time he did crack? Like, when was the last time he fell off the wagon? I'd say about three, three and a half years ago.

Well, that's good. Like, it's been a considerable amount of time, yeah. Yeah, that's good. And I mean, like, he had a problem with it for a long time. Like, he had gone to rehab, and, you know, he tried. And it never worked for him. And so, you know, I feel like he did do it for me. And I think that's another reason I almost feel like I owe him something.

No, but I'm sorry, but, like, nobody could do something like that for somebody else. I really don't believe that. Right. Like, no offense to you, miserable maybe. No. But it's not like, I mean, he could have said it was for you and like maybe thank God you were there and you did help on some level. But like to really kick an addiction, especially something like crack cocaine, you really have to want it for yourself. I really feel that way.

I think that someone could be a catalyst and could help you. But I really think he had to be ready to do it. And I think you have to give him credit and I'm sure you do, right? And that's part of the reason why you stay, right, that he was able to really kick that because that's a really hard thing to do. right and he made it through and came out to the other side even though he fell off the wagon a couple times like he's been pretty solid for three and a half years and that is something really great but i do think he did it for himself like if i do leave he will go back to that and then it will be my thought you know yeah that's like a weird fucked up guilt thing that you feel it's it's hard i i understand

that position i mean that's like a normal human being thing to sort of think and feel and worry about especially when somebody throws on you like i'm going to kill yourself that my same boy that I told you, didn't I just bring up a boyfriend? Something about some boyfriend that cheated on me. Oh, and I said, yeah, that one. He was like, he would like hang on my neck who's crying, gasping for air like that he was going to kill himself. Same fucking shit, you know?

That kind of a thing. And then, you know, eventually I broke up with him even though he was hanging on my neck crying and threatening to kill himself. And just so, you know, he never did. Okay. So I don't know, but it is a heavy thing. And it's very selfish for somebody to throw that into somebody else's face because it is like a controlling.

thing because he says it to you and then you can't go, right? But let's still talk about the story. So all this happens, you have a terrible thing. He finally kicks three years. But every day is just like miserable. Like when did you start like losing, like gaining the weight and everything? Because I know you said that like, you know, you're in this bad relationship. Plus you gained 60 pounds.

I mean, that's a lot of weight to gain. Yeah, it is a lot. And it's been in the last year. Uh-huh. And so I've always had an up and down weight. I'll be honest. Oh, okay. How old are you now?

skinny, but... Sorry, how old are you now? I'm 30, yeah. Okay. 30. Okay. But I've never been, like, super skinny, but I've never been sad either, right? Right.

Like, I've always just been, like, in between, like, and my weight fluctuates all the time, but I always look good, right? Right. Right. Right now, I don't look good. And, you know, when I started to gain the weight, I really did try to, like, get my workout routine back and get back to eating better, and, um, for some reason the time it just isn't helping, and it's not working, and I just kept piling the weight on. even though I was doing everything to stop it, right?

So I kind of feel like maybe hormones might be putting into it at this point as well. So I am, you know, getting that looked at. But at the same time, like, I feel like I always put on the weight when I'm miserable. So that's something in my life I've noticed. Yeah, it's not like, listen, I mean, when you're having something like that is going on and everything in your life is like super great, like you could say it's like maybe your hormones. But there is like that mind-body connection thing. Like, you know, so if you do.

you get like super depressed and you are really unhappy, it will affect your hormones and your thing. And you know, and it will. So yeah, maybe it is your hormones, but it's not like, you know, like it's not a coincidence that this happens like just when you're like unhappy and miserable. You know, it's like a thing. It definitely goes together. And probably the only way you will lose that weight and shed that is just like when you let go of all of this stuff. I think like the weight is like symbolic of like all the stuff that you're holding in. I mean, to be so miserable and so unhappy for so many years, do you know what I mean? Like that's what all that weight is, you know?

Did you say that you were trying to have a baby with your guy and like you're like started the process? What's the deal with that? So yeah. So we have decided to go with surrogacy because I obviously can't carry my own baby. And that kind of goes a bit back to a question you had asked me about, um, what it is that draws me to my husband. And I think that's a lot to do with it.

So he's only the second guy ever told about my issue with having babies. Yeah. And he was the first guy to be very open about it and okay with it. And, you know, he obviously had to think about it and see if that's that well with him and whatever. And so he said, you know, I'm back here in the long run and I'm okay with doing this and whatever it takes for us to have a baby I'm good with. So I think knowing that and him being so okay with it, I think it just made me comfortable. And I'm like, okay, well, if I stick with this guy, you know, at least I'll get what I want. Yeah, it makes sense.

You know, and I think that's where I'm at now. So I think that's a big portion of why I stay because, you know, we talked about it. We just like go forward with this. And it's like, you know. How far into the... Well, because why? Because, you know, when you have a kid, right, after like all the, like, you know, sort of amazingness of all of it goes away, right?

It is a very difficult thing. And I see, I'm a single mom. And by the way, I used a surrogate, okay? So we could talk about that. But I am a single mom. So I don't have to deal with a guy and all the problems that sort of come about when a couple is, you know, has a baby and all the stress is, like, involved. But I see it in my girlfriends and my other mom friends who are in relationship. And, you know, definitely a baby, a newborn and a toddler and an infant and that stage.

You know, it's a strain on a relationship for sure, you know. So it's like, you know, I know that you want to have your baby for sure. But it's just like, would the baby bring you guys together or, you know, make you go further apart? I don't know. And then at that point would you just be happy to have your baby and you would leave him? I don't know. Like, you know, it's like a serious thing that you have to think about because, you know, he will be the father of your child,

and so he will be a part of your life for the rest of your life, regardless of whether you're going to be with him or not. How far into the surrogacy thing? So we've both gone for a test and everything's going that way, so we're basically at the part where we take a surrogacy and the surrogate and we go forward with it at this point. Okay, but have you found the right agency,

or are you sign up for an agency, or, like, how are you going to find that? Are you doing it through an agency, or you think you're just going to find the surrogate on your own? Do you know someone that's going to do it for you? Well, we had known someone that was going to do it for us, but just because her first pregnancy didn't go so well and her baby was premature and stuff,

my doctor had talked to me out of it. So that kind of put a whole fun thing. So I didn't really know anyone else that I would be open to asking. So I was like, well, why don't we look into the agency? So I have started researching. And you notice I say eye a lot because mostly everything I do is I. There's no we here anymore.

So I have started looking and trying to find a clinic to go through an agency. Right. And then you also have to get your eggs removed, right? And so that you could have the embryo and all that kind of stuff. So, okay, and listen, most of couples, it's just normal that the woman does all that shit and the guy doesn't. I'm just saying it's not like a problem within your relationship. That's very common. I think men and women are sort of wired very differently. I think women could do like 10 things at once and men could do one. And I don't think that that's like, oh, someone's better than somebody else. I just think that's a fucking fact, do you know what I'm saying? And I think that, you know, a man goes at work and he does what he does.

And like, you can't expect your guy to do certain things. It's just not in their nature. You know, I think, listen, I definitely think that there's some guys that pitch in a lot more than others, you know. But like you can't sort of say that like your guy, like, you know, the I thing in your relationship is. I can't know, Kathy. Like, my guy isn't pitching anywhere. I don't know how, you know, like I think maybe you trained him improperly or like did he just like bait and switch you like he was really great in the beginning or not. Listen, you've put up with the fact that he's been like a partner that hasn't been ideal this whole time, right? I mean, you knew from day one supposedly it wasn't the right situation and you're dealing with it. So, you know, it's not like it's like what you signed up for and it's what you know, right? And knowing that you're still moving forward. and going to try and have a baby with him.

Now, is that right or wrong? I don't know. It's such a big, well, is it stupid? I don't, like, listen, I mean, it's so hard when there's, like, big things like this on the table as far as, like, there might be a child that's born and a human being. And, like, at the end of the day, like, I think about people who sort of made dumb decisions and had a baby with the wrong person. But, like, when you think about their child, you're like, oh, my God, but that person

wouldn't exist, you know? So looking back, you're like, okay, it was all sort of men. to be. So to tell you, for me to sit here and tell you, like, don't do it, like, I can't make that decision in your life. That's too big of a thing. Maybe it's meant to be that you're supposed to have a baby with this guy and who knows what the fuck happens. I don't know. Maybe it would bring you together. Maybe it'll make you apart, but, like, you will have your baby. So I don't know what the right thing. Like, most people would say, no, don't have a baby with him. You have a terrible relationship with him. You guys don't get along. Go on. Yeah, like, I've never verbalized that to anyone, right?

I have a problem saying it because I know it's wrong. I know what it's doing it's wrong. So I think I have a problem saying what I'm doing because I know it's wrong. And so verbalizing it makes it a reality and then it really makes a couple things like, what the fuck? Right. Well, that's where you're wrong. That's why you're wrong.

Uh-huh. That's why it's wrong. Uh-huh. I remember you did say in your email that like you've isolated yourself. You don't really have any friends because you're like almost like living like a secret life. Like, you know, but if you had friends and you were like holding yourself accountable by telling people what you're doing. Maybe people would speak up, right, and help you and empower the part of you that needs to be empowered to get the fuck out of your situation and make some changes. You're really not that old. You're 30 years old, okay? It's not like you're 37 and I know, but trust me, you're not. 30, I remember like, honestly, 30 is like a weird age. I was 30 once and I remember it because it's one of those milestone things. And you do suddenly feel old. You do suddenly feel like this urgency. to do shit and life is going by and all that stuff. But trust me, it's not. Like, you're still

okay, especially having babies. Like, you still have, like, you know, if you were like 37 or 39, I would say, like, you don't, you know, you got to fucking do this shit. You got to, like, you're only 30. Like, you could have a baby in two years from now and still be okay. You're going to use a surrogate. So it's not like there's a time limit on you. Your eggs are probably fine, right? Like, there's nothing wrong with your egg, right? You just don't have the uteristic to carry the baby. I personally don't think that that's that big of a deal to tell another guy. I get that you're like hanging on to this guy because he's the one that sort of accepted it. But I don't think that, you know, if you met the right guy, right, and you're in a relationship

and, you know, and you told him I really want babies, but this is my deal. I could have a baby. I just can't, you know, carry the baby. We would have to get a surrogate, but it would be yours genetically and his genetically. Like, what's the big deal? I really don't think if the guy really loved you that that would, I don't think that's that big of a deal. I think, you know, and I think the right guy if he really loved you and you told him I could and maybe you adopt, but I do think that's a much harder pill to swallow,

and maybe that's a situation that's harder in a relationship, right, to bring up. But that's not the case with you. You can have a baby. You just need a surrogate to carry it. And it would be that guy and yours genetic, you know, baby. So biological baby. That's the flip side of thing, because I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason. And to be honest, with this whole surrogacy issue with us,

there have been so many roadblocks since we had started it that I feel like, maybe that's fine that I shouldn't do with. Wait, there's been so many what? There's been so many what? Sorry, I was going to say, what, sorry? There's been so many what's happened? So many roadblocks. Oh yeah, but let me just tell you, please, please, please, please.

You know, I used to be like a spiritual person that thought like, oh, roadblocks, like if you're, when you're doing the right thing, all the doors open and all that shit, but like, that's bullshit, okay? Sometimes roadblocks are put up because you need to prove to, to the fucking universe that you, this is really what you want. And sometimes roadblocks come up for people that don't feel deserving of things. And that's just because you're fucking damaged goods. Okay.

And I was one of those person. I try to tell people all the time. Like whenever I've done anything for myself that's good for myself, that maybe like is fucking easy for regular people, for me, it's like I'm moving forward and there's like 10 bricks on my back and there's like a chain connected to them and I have to carry them forward. Do you know what I mean? So there's always been roadblocks. Yes, there's always roadblocks for me when I'm doing big things like that.

And not for other people. Stuff that for other people, the door just open. And it's definitely not a sign that you're not supposed to doing things. It's a sign that you're damaged, that you have shit going on, that you have self-esteem issues, deserving issues, that you probably should be in therapy talking with somebody, but you absolutely should move forward and keep just tackling those roadblocks and moving ahead. That stupid shit about like, oh, it's not meant to be. That's like a lazy way of thinking. No, it really is. And I used it as a cop out for a long time to sort of not face certain parts of myself and not do the hard thing. And

you know, honestly, this is what I said to my friend once who was saying the same thing about you. Like, like, do you really think, like, who's like someone that you think and look up to that's like super successful and like admire? Like who? Like Oprah Winfrey. Like let's think of her. Do you think that she like hits a roadblock in her life and is like, oh, not meant to be. Like, no, anybody super successful hits tons of roadblocks. The difference between them and people that are kind of like losers are that they just stop when things get difficult or when there's a problem or when a door is closed on them. Do you understand?

So nothing that's happened to you means that it's not meant to be, okay, at all. What might not be meant to be, okay, is the facts of the situation. And that's something that you have to put on the table and think about for yourself. the fact that you're in a miserable relationship, you're not happy, you're probably not happy with yourself and you probably need to start there. You know, isolating yourself is very bad for depression and for your overall sense of well-being. You need to start letting people in. You need to start being honest about where you're at and what's going on in your life. Maybe you take a one-year break from the baby thing while you sort of figure things out. No one's going. Your eggs are not

going anywhere. Like you've been, you were born with them. They're 30, 31. it's not going to be any different. And, you know, and start letting your friends back in, maybe get into therapy and start talking about it and see where you go. I don't know. Listen, you're like a person that has, you came into this relationship with your own set of problems, right? So would you be totally happy with somebody else?

Maybe not. I don't know. Maybe there is a better... My big question, is it mean that's just not happy, you know? Probably. Yeah. Yeah, probably. I mean everything because I'm not happy.

No, it's not that you're rude. ruining things. It's just that you set you, like what happens when you feel not deserving and when you have low self-esteem, you only feel like comfortable attracting things to yourself that are less than what other people have, you know, and that's a very common problem. So it's not like you're ruining things. It's not like it's your fault. It's just like where you're at evolution-wise right now, you know, but if you work on yourself and you better yourself, right, and you continue to do that, that will change, you know? It doesn't mean that. Like, it doesn't mean that you need to stay with this person.

It doesn't mean that you're not going to stay with this. Who knows what happens when you sort of work on yourself? You know, your guy worked on himself. He got himself off of crack cocaine. Like, that's a major thing that he did in his life. You need to work on stuff for yourself. The fact that I remember you telling me in your email too that you can't, you're still not over that first boyfriend that fuck the other girl and got her pregnant.

Because that's probably a really, that probably pushed the buttons of that initial thing. of you waking up from surgery when you were 16 years old and being told you can't have a baby, and that's all connected. You need to like go back to all of that, that whole situation and resolve it somehow in yourself because it's really fucking up your life now. Do you know what I mean? And if you really... No, I totally agree.

And if you really think about it, you're okay. There surrogacy is available. Who cares that you don't have a uterus anymore? Like I get that, you know what I mean? Because you can have a baby. It's just not going to be in your belly. And that's, I don't know, for me, I never gave a shit about having a pregnancy actually was the biggest fear of my life. I never wanted to be pregnant, but I wanted a baby.

So I kind of got my wish. I don't have any regrets like, oh, I didn't know what it's like to like get really big and have a baby in my belly and have it come out in my vagina. But, you know, but I think that that's very much though. But I totally get if that's something that somebody has as a dream, you know, in life. And that is hard to sort of let go. But like, I'm just here to tell you that, like, we're how many years away from that? this is the facts, this is where you need to sort of live your life from, that that happened to you, that's the cards you were dealt. It's not that bad because you can have a baby and now you have

to figure out how to have that baby in the right way. But you need to first, to me, you need to first start working on yourself because most likely even if you change this relationship, you'd wind up in another bad relationship. Do you know what I mean? I completely agree. They've all been bad. everyone I've been in none has been better than the next. Me too. Did you hear about my book that I wrote? I mean, it's like one chapter after it's like... I ordered your book, actually, I can't wait to get it.

Oh, yeah. I'm sure I'll have a couple laughs and a couple of times where I'm just like, I still get this. But yeah. Yeah, you will totally... That's when you start to wonder, if me that's the problem and not just everybody else. Yeah, it's... Listen, tons of people have problems. So big deal you have fucking problems.

Yeah, you have problems. Every one of my boyfriends were, was a bad relationship because I need to resolve things within myself. You know, that's, and there are a lot of people that are like that. Do you know what I mean? And a lot of people have like these great relationships on the surface that you think, oh, why is everyone so normal? And most people are fucked up anyway.

So it's not like you're so alone in this, you know? It's pretty common, you know, to have these kind of issues. And you're still super young. And the fact that, like, you're talking about this, that you emailed me, that you're ready to sort of start saying this shit out loud is a big step for you. And I think it's like a turning point. And I think it's really great. And it does show that.

that that part of you that knows that you actually do deserve better, you know, is trying to speak up. And what needs to happen is that part of you needs to take over. Okay. But you have a subconscious part of you. When you have issues like this, I have it too. You have a subconscious part of you that you can't even fucking touch

that will control you sometimes and make you do things. So I've said this before my podcast. It becomes like a battle, like of you against you. Do you understand? You have to know that there's... I'm always fighting myself. Yes, but you have to do that.

You have to fight that part of yourself that doesn't think you deserve a baby. Do you understand? And you need to fight with that part. Like I said, it will feel like bricks on your back, like you're walking forward, not even bricks, boulders, okay? And it's so difficult for things that other people,

for other people are so easy. And that's just who you are and where you're at and that's what you have to deal with. But you have to do it anyway. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, and I think you're so right. Like I realize that I'm there that I need to work on myself. I've been in a relationship all my life forever, you know,

and I never spend that time working on myself. And I know when I do get out of this relationship like this time, I do need to sit back and work on me. Because I know there's a lot of issues there, don't get me around, but I think it's knowing that I have to do that and the uncomfortableness of it, I think. Of course. Right?

Of course. It's devastating what's going to happen to you. You know what I mean? And you're going to go through. It's not like I always tell people like not like the movies. It's not like you're going to do the right thing. And it's going to be amazing. It's going to be really hard effort. It's like every ending is like a death and change is really brutal and difficult. And ending your relationship and changing your life is going to be really hard on you and it's not going to feel good at first. Right. But eventually it's going to be the best thing for you. And it's going to be. really great. But I suggest not making any drastic changes yet. Maybe just start, like I said, start letting your friends and start having those conversations, maybe get into therapy. And then you will probably just naturally get to the place that you want to leave your relationship. And then you leave your relationship. And then you figure out, you know, then you work on yourself. And then when you're really ready, I think, and I've said this before too. Like, don't get me wrong. It's not like you have to be a perfect person to be in a good relationship. You really don't. just have to get to the place where you think you're deserving of it.

Do you know what I mean? And that's the difference. It's like tons of people with problems are in great relationships. There's no reason why you don't deserve like a great guy. And not that your guy isn't great. You guys are just not compatible, right? It's not like you've said anything that terrible about him, right? Well, no, he did beat you, didn't he?

No, that was the other guy. Yeah, the guy you're still in love with. No, my husband is honestly, he's a really great guy to the Mount Spire. I mean, he's pretty shitty in some areas, don't get me wrong, but he's a good person. Right. He had some other areas of his own he could work on for sure. Of course.

But he is very open to me finding myself as well. So that's always good. Right. So I think you shouldn't leave that relationship. Yeah, I think you shouldn't leave that relationship, you know, just yet. I think you should start working on yourself and figuring things out. I think you should put the surrogate thing on hold. You could even tell them you just want to, listen, it's very expensive to have surrogacy.

and eggs removed and everything. It's a lot of money, right? But it's worth it, and it's something you should definitely do. But, you know, I think that you, I think that doing all of this stuff while you're still in your relationship is okay. And then you'll figure it out because right now I don't think you're ready to leave and you don't know what the right thing to do is because you've been just like sitting on all of this stuff for so long.

Like I said, I think open yourself up, start talking to people again about it. because what happens when you tell people like shit, it holds you more accountable to doing something about it. Do you know what I mean? It's like whenever I quit drinking or quit smoking, I would tell everyone I was going to do it. So then I look like a fucking asshole if I didn't. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Absolutely. Right. You're hiding out now because you don't want anyone to think you're a fucking asshole because you're not doing anything. Exactly. Right? Right. And I know that when I started isolating myself,

that shit's going to go back away from here, right? And I mean, this has been, you know, I've been probably isolating myself for at least the last six to nine months. So I think just even taking that first step, I said to you when we were emailing, I'm so nervous to do this. And I think because I finally had to say it out loud, right? Yes, it's huge. So different than something I would normally do. Yeah. I would just throw it all away and spiral, right?

So I'm kind of happy to step. And I think that's where your advice here is so great. I'm sliding to you. I just, I think I'm worried about the phone that I'm going to get because I know what I'm doing is wrong. So obviously, when you know that, it makes it harder to fade out loud, right? Yeah, totally, because you're like, okay, if it's wrong, then I have to, like, do all these things to change it. And there's all these endings and there's, like, just hard, hard work ahead, right? But, like, just take one thing at a time, like I said, you know.

I think it's like, what happens when you make a decision in your life and if you really decide, like, this is your time and you do want to change because you do want to have a baby and you want to do it the right way. You know, things start happening in your life to create that change for, you know, and I always say to people like if that's what you really want, like, you know, what happens in situations like this is like if you don't take control of your life and make those changes yourself, those changes will be kind of made for you. And that's a lot harder when it's out of your control, even though it's what you want on

some level when it's done without you sort of making it happen. And it's even more devastating. But it's like the person that like hates their job and then they get fired. It's like, well, you hated your fucking job. Like if you hate your fucking like, you know those friends that are like, I hate my job. I hate my job. It's like, you better fucking quit now because and leave and deal what's right. Because eventually you're going to get fired because it's what you want on some level.

And it's going to happen. And you're going to be freaked out because you're going to be jobless and it's going to be this whole fucking problem. So like take control of it now because like you said, you know that what happens is things then spin out of control because on some level you know shit needs to change. So you have to like start doing the right things and make this change in a more responsible way. Right. So I think start talking to your friends, talk to your mom. And I think like I don't know that I don't know like you know with your guy. You know, I don't know what the right like I don't I'm not here to say

break up with your guy tomorrow. I think you should. see where the chips lie. I think you should just focus on yourself. Yeah. You know, I've always been so afraid of doing that. I think that's my biggest problem. So I'm always like, oh, you're the problem.

And I'm just going to go. Even if I go, it's not going to change anything for down the road or the next relationship unless I make a change first. Yeah. I honestly think it's great advice. And I really think, like, you just need to, like,

sort of, like, the right therapist will really help you sort of refurbists will really help you sort of refurb. It's called reframing. Like, reframe like what happened to you with that surgery and that that thing that happened to you when you were 16. You know, you need to go back, reframe it and fix that because that really changed the course of your life. And, you know, there's no reason why you don't deserve all the things that everybody else

can have, like a good relationship, like happiness within a relationship, like your child, all that stuff. And you will have it. You just need to get to the point where you feel like you deserve it. it. And even if you get to the point where you feel like you deserve it, there still might be that part of you that's trying to fucking hold you back and you just have to move ahead. Don't listen to any roadblocks. Just look at them as a challenge and just don't accept no for an answer. You want that baby. You've always wanted that baby. You'll have your baby. You know what I mean? It's the other stuff

you need to figure out. Yes, you will. Of course you will. That's what you want. And you deserve it. You know, you just want to do it maybe in a better way. Like not right now while you hate your fucking guy and you feel miserable and you have no friends and, you know, it's just, it's not like, moving ahead with the baby is just like, and ignoring all your problems. It's just like, you're going to have a lot more problems after and you don't want to have these problems in dealing with it while you're dealing with a baby. Because what happens is if you have that baby, you're looking at another 18 years before you focus on yourself again because that whole thing about like, oh, you have a baby and it's all about the kid is very true. Okay. I haven't bought myself shit in almost two years. It's like I go

shopping. I can't buy myself anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like everything is about a him. Like you just lose yourself and it's like at first it's not that good, but you eventually find yourself. But like trust me, and once you have a baby, you're not going to be working on yourself. And you know, you kind of want to do as much work on yourself. You don't have to be perfect, okay? Like no one's perfect. No.

But just get the ball moving. And I really think that you calling in here and putting this shit out there is means that you're ready. This is you. This is about you. wanting to do something. It's about you not wanting to be in the place that you've been in for the past six to eight, nine months. Do you know what I mean? So that's good. That's the good news. For sure. You know? I'm so thankful

for your podcast because of that. Yeah, no, that's great. That's what all this. But it's listening to the stories on your podcast and stuff, right? And just your advice. And I knew you'd be the right person to talk to. Yeah. And you read my fucking book. You'll feel so much better about your relationships. Oh, I can't wait to get to go. You had like, you had like, you had like maybe two long-term relationships. I had like 80 short-term ones. You know, it's no different than one person that was married to the wrong person

in their whole life. I'm like, I just dated like 18 guys, you know, that were wrong and it's the same shit, you know, 20 years of my life miserable. In one relationship that went bad to another.

I mean, you don't even have to read the whole thing. Just open up to any chapter and read one. And you'll be like, wow, I'm not that fucked up. Kathy was way more fucked up than I was. Right.

But if you kind of, help me a little bit. Yeah, but if you read it as a whole thing, it is kind of like a little bit of a self-help book because you definitely see me like quitting drinking and going sober and things changing and dealing with certain parts. Like each chapter ends with like what I learn from that negative situation because that's ultimately what I believe over everything. Like life is really difficult and we have all these things and we might be fucked up.

But even the most terrible things that happen and the most terrible people that come into our lives, they really are there to help us. That's what I believe. I swear. You know, even my worst. Yeah, even my worst boyfriends, I feel very grateful for having because I learned something from those relationships. I remember there was one guy in my book, Dirty Dave. You'll get to him.

He was like a stinky hippie that was so mean to me. But he was like my father. It was like dating my father. And it was very. And I remember we stayed friends afterwards and him like apologizing. I'm so sorry that I did. And I was just like, don't worry. Like, I'm so grateful for what you did.

If anything, you're like an angel that came into my life and taught me the most, vicious lesson in the hardest way, but that really helped me and changed me forever because of it. So, you know, I think that's the way to look at shit, and that's the only way you move forward without being bitter. Because a lot of people that have a lot of problems and are dealt bad cards, like, you could get bitter really fast,

and that's just no way to live life. Do you know what I mean? Right. Yes. You don't want to... And I feel like I've always tried to not hold on to things, but I feel like that's one of my biggest problems is that I do hold on to things.

As much as I try to not, I do. Yes. And that's just a human being thing. How could you not? We're so complicated. And like I said, there's a subconscious. And the things that happen to you that you're holding on to are heavy things, you know, and most people would hold on to them.

Like, you just need some help, like releasing that and changing that so that you could move on with your life. And like I said, you're super young and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. And you'll be fine. This is what, like, you being in your 30s is all about. No, thank you for calling in and keep me posted. and, you know, after you read my book, let me know, you could just like send me like, you know, an email like,

you are really fucked up. I would have. I was going to get an email after. All right. Awesome. So thanks for calling in and keep me posted on what's going on. All right. Thanks, Mary.

Good luck with everything. Thank you. Bye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers is now available

not only in paperback and e-book but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked

one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang-bang girl story. Like I said, 17 stories, and they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person, and I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like

erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two, and then skis. around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other, and that's what you get to do there.

You can post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total, strictly anonymous community, and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook,

the ebook, or the paperback. sent it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly?

and be on the show. Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous.