Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 219 - Is Marie Still Sober and Polyamorous?

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

Marie calls in again to talk all about what she’s been up to since the last time she called in (episode 178). Is she still sober? Is she still a sex addict? Is she still polyamorous? Is she still hung up on previous guest Rob (episode 166)? Tune in to find out plus hear a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

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If you post in other countries, I don't see them unless I switch countries. But if I don't know that you wrote one, I can't really see it because I don't know where to check. Do you understand? But if you're in, I only get people that email me, like within the United States to be on my show. If you want to be on my show, I'm always looking for people to call in. And with WhatsApp and Viber and all these, like, things to do. Nobody's like, I could totally have people from other countries call in. I don't know why people don't ever contact me from other countries to be in my show.

I know people from other countries listen to my show. So if you're in another country or the United States who want to be on my show, this is a call-in-a-vice show where I talk to people about their personal lives, you know, their secret lives. I give people advice. If you have a problem, you want to call in. Same an email at Stricklandonymouspodcast at g-mail.com or go to my website, strictly anonymouspodcast.com and click on be on the show.

If you want to read a book, I wrote and drew a book, it's a graphic novel. It's kind of funny. It's about like really bad relationships, really bad relationships. really bad relationships that I had. They're just funny. It doesn't even matter if they're true or not. They kind of are. I mean, they really are true.

They don't seem to because they're so ridiculous, but they kind of are. But it's like, who gives a shit about my memoir? You know what I mean? But I think even if they're not true and they're not about a real person, they're just fucking funny. And they would make you feel better about yourself.

So if you want to buy my book, you could buy that also on my website. Strictly numbspodcast.com. Click on Buy the book. Today I have on a lost episode It should have been a part of my Where Are They Now episodes But I lost like a SIM card

And then I found these I have a couple of them This one I have to do a separate And alone instead of pairing it With the other ones that I just found Because it was like an hour I reached out to Marie Who was episode

She was on previously this year Her name was Marie She got dumped by a polyamorous guy named Rob Who was on my show a couple weeks Before she came on And that's a whole interesting thing. We discussed, like, how she found my show and what happened with him. And we go over that a little bit in this episode.

So you'll hear all about that. I'm not going to say it now. But if you want to listen to her first episode, it's number 178. Marie got dumped by polyamorous Rob. What I'll say is that, like, in that episode, she talked about going sober. So when I reached out to her, I wanted to know whether she was still sober and what her deal was. And that's what we talk about in this episode.

So it's interesting. It's all about sobriety. It's about polyamory. it's about sex addiction. You know, is Marie still sober? Is she still polyamorous? Is she still pining for Rob? That's what we talk about.

You'll find out all about that, all the answers to all those questions and more on this episode. So, you know, I actually reached out to her because it's like only like a short, well, there's a couple months actually since we spoke and I wanted to see if she's still actually doing some of the same things that we spoke about.

And she hasn't got back to me. I have to say this. Okay, people love when I have female colors on and I love when I get female colors on because I don't really get many of them. But there's this weird thing with girls in my show that I have to just tell you about. Like really when guys come on my show, like right afterwards, they're always emailing me like, oh my God, that was like the best experience ever. It was so good to finally talk about it.

They're like my best friends. Like it takes them a while to like really cut the cord and actually stop talking to me because they really like enjoy the experience. But with women, and some of them aren't like this, but a lot of them, like the drunk girls, the recent girl that I had on, remember that said she was like worked at a happy ending place, but it was kind of like she was an escort. And then the fucking Molly, the Mormon, where the fuck is she? Okay.

Like, these people, like, disappear the girls after they're on my show. And I don't understand. I don't get it. Like, what happens to women after they air their dirty laundry? That's different to what happens to men, because all the men have. such great experience. And then, like, I would say 75% of the women just, like, fucking disappear and never talk to me again. And I don't get it. It's, like, am I mean to them? Or, like, do you think maybe girls have, like, think about it more and they get freaked out

that they put it out there? I mean, half of them I changed their voice. I'm very nice to them. So I don't really, I don't really know. But if you're a girl and you want to be on my show, and you don't think you'll, like, have, I don't know, like regrets afterwards, because I kind of feel bad, you know? Send me an email. But I guess this is like no girls are ever going to write in after I just said that. But anyway, I'm still looking for girl callers. And it's funny, I emailed Molly. Did I say that? This girl, not Molly, Marie, the girl on my show today. And I didn't hear back from her either. So I don't know what's wrong with these girls. But hopefully it's just a thing where maybe I don't know. Anyway, so if you want to be on my show,

How do I segue out of what I just said? Because it's so dumb. I should have never said it. I could really tape a whole new intro, but I don't feel like it. So I'm just going to keep it on. And I'm going to be right back on with the episode with Marie. I'll be right back on with Marie. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone?

Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Hey, Marie. Welcome to the Where Are They Now Update, end of the year special. How you doing? I'm doing pretty good.

How are you? I'm good. I'm doing good. You're doing very good, actually. because this is the deal about you. I'll give you a little backstory, but people could go and listen to your first episode because it was really great.

Like, what had happened with you that was really interesting is I had on a guy named Rob, who I'm hoping to get an update on him too. And he was a polyamorous guy who had a relationship with a couple of girls. And you were one of them. And he spoke about you as like an anonymous person on this episode, right?

And then you emailed me and were like, I was the person who dated, Rob and we broke up and I had predicted predicted your guys breakup right and you called in to talk all about it and we talked about that but what also we got into was um your recent sobriety right like when we spoke you were like like only almost like a little over a month sober right um and you were not polyamorous or I don't know like because now what's going on with you now fast forward like what eight months later or whatever it is you are interrelated you're still sober, which is great, and you'll get into details about this. You're also in a relationship that

started out Polly, but now is monogamous, right? And you're still, I haven't really gone over the Rob thing for some reason, right? Yeah. And I have to say, and we talked a lot about this on that episode, I think, like when you have relationships, then I think anybody that has some sort of dysfunction, you know, because some people are normal and they don't have these problems, but I'm more like you, right? And I think like when you have like sort of issues that are unresolved and, you know, there are certain relationships that come into your life and it's the real powerful ones that are really hard to shake. It's because they're pushing all your dysfunctional buttons, right? Because like something about that person or that situation is like so similar to

whatever kind of story you're telling yourself, you know. So I think it's very common that, you know, you know, maybe you can't shake it. Not because he was so great because he was kind of like a selfish asshole. It was more so I think because there's something about that specific relationship that is like, you know, a bigger issue for you just in your life in general, right? It's not really him. It's like the story. That's what I think.

Because I've had the same thing. Like some things are really hard to let go of or get closure, you know, and I feel like that pull isn't so much about the person. and it's more about, you know, whatever they're sort of representing in my dysfunctional life. Do you think? That's right. Um, maybe.

I don't know that I'm there yet. But maybe, maybe. Because you think it's like him still? I'm not sure. I mean, to go back to that situation, I think, yeah,

maybe I'm still like wearing rosy-colored glasses, but I think he and I really trauma bonded because we have similar past and experiences and problems with addiction. And we were sort of each other's life preservers at the time. And even though we were both in our shit and doing shitty things to each other, we could like relate. And I think the other people we were seeing or dating at that time, like didn't, we're an addicts, didn't know what it's like, you know, to be.

in that. I know for me, you know, as we talked about in the past episode, I went to rehab when I was 15 and then I was in N.A. for a long time. And so when I was dating like five or six people at once earlier this year, Rob was the one person who was sober. When I was with him, I was sober. Everybody else I was screwing around with. I was drunk when I was, you know, acting out with them. So I think for me, he represented that safe place where like he would still like me even though I'm a fucked up person. Right, but also

the whole thing, the whole dynamic about relationship of why it went sort of bust was he was in a relationship with somebody and then they sort of opened it up and you were like the other woman, right, that came in and you weren't the other women anymore. You were in an open relationship but you still were sort of

treated like the other woman, right? Because there was like some deception that was still going on, right? And he couldn't really tell and that's why everything sort of blew up, right? Yeah, they had started polyamorous and he actually like met her.

She was the second girlfriend when he had a different girlfriend and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, and he and I were dating. We were probably like four months into dating and they were like nine months into dating and she just kind of, she wanted me to be like a friend of his that he slept with as opposed to like somebody who cared about

and was a romantic partner. And when she found doubt that that delusion was not true, you know, she kind of ultimate him. Like, it's me and only me or nothing. Right. But the only reason why I bring that up, because I want to fast forward to where we are now. And people could go listen to Rob's podcast to hear like his side of the thing. And it was kind of funny in that episode because I was like, oh, you're, this is like, something's wrong here. Like, this is not going to go. Right. Like, your girl does not seem into this, right? Like, I called him out on that. And that's when you emailed me and said, like, you were fucking

right. His girl didn't like it and we broke up because of it. But what you stated in your email to me when I asked you for an update, you know, you're sober for like all this time now and you're doing a lot of self-reflection and a lot of work on yourself, right? What else can you do when you're totally sober, right? And you said like you came to the realization that like a lot of things about yourself and one of the realizations you came to was that like sex addiction is probably like your biggest one, right? And there is a part of you that. that gets off in being the other woman and what that brings to you, right? You said two things, which is very interesting to me because I've been the other woman in a lot of scenarios too.

And I was like, oh, I never sort of looked at it that way. But you said, what that does for you is it makes you feel, well, why don't you explain what it does for you? Or what it did for you in those scenarios and why you sort of, you know, seeked it out? Well, a little, because I've constantlyed this a lot in the last nine months, I think because, I was sexually objectified and cat calls and exposed to porn as like a single digit child, I internalize that as power. You know, look like catcalling is a man giving you power. Like, look how stupid and ridiculous men are that I can walk by and divert their attention.

Let me use this to gather energy, like a succubis, basically. And, you know, taking virginities was my jam in high school. And then later in life, it was enabling affairs. And I definitely did that with Rob. Like, his girlfriend, what he told her about me was the reality of the situation. So it was cheating. And I loved being the other woman because it was like, it was like being a divorcee weekend dad kind of. Like, I got to be the fun one.

I got to, you got to tell me your fantasies that your wife or girlfriend wasn't fulfilling and I got to do them. I got to be whoever you needed at the time. And that kept to be safe because you. didn't have to see me. I got to be whatever your fantasy was. And it also prevented, like, the guys would have more to lose than me. I'm single. I'm in my 30s. I don't have kids.

Like, I have a house. I don't, I don't need them. But they need me to just, like, feel relief. And how would most of those relationships end with you with these people, these affairs? You know, pretty much all of them, and that's what really crushed

me back in March. It was probably four and six people. I was regularly seeing all broke it off with me on their own accord because they were going to be monogamous so you're a whole no but in a weird way think about it right like you were you were getting to the place because i believe this in a in a thing like you were getting to a place in your life where you were ready for a complete change obviously maybe you didn't even know it but on some level you were building up to this whole sober thing this whole right and like it is interesting that all of that bullshit, that thing that on some level you didn't want to do anymore, right?

Like, I know it was a subconscious probably switch in you, right? And so all of that garbage like left your life, right? And you were left with like, you know, being vulnerable and sort of having to deal with like what that meant and be sort of bare without all that fake power, right? Because all that is is bullshit fake power, right? You didn't have any. And when they all done to you, you realize that, right? So that's all you go in control.

What? I said it's all ego and control. Like I realized that my addiction was basically externalizing myself worth. If whoever, I could be whoever's fetish or fantasy and they wanted me that gave me worth because I didn't have any on my own. Right. And that like externalizing that power, you know, that is addiction, right? You're looking for any solution to your problems except for a higher power or yourself.

Right. Of course. And don't you feel, though, that, like, maybe that's why the Rob thing, like, felt so powerful to you because you did, not only were you the other woman, like, that power, maybe that you felt over him because you had, like, this closeness and this bonding that you always sort of talk about, you know, between each other, like, you know, and the other woman that, like, you know, it was like the perfect storm to make it feel like so much more was really there than maybe was.

Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm not saying that you didn't have that strong bond. Right, right. Time that you were together, you weren't super close and didn't have it. But, like, to be so long after and now you're with somebody else to still not be able to let it go, like, I feel like it must be about something else in you, right? Because it doesn't make sense. How long did you know him for?

Rob, the guy I'm dating. No. It would have been, it's over a year now. No, but how long were you to gather for? Oh, about four months. Yeah, so think about it. Like, how come, you know, a year later, you can't get over a four-month thing, right? Like, it doesn't, it's not like you're with them four years.

It's four months. So you have to think to yourself, like, it's not, it's not, it doesn't make sense. I think it's two things. If I had to psychoanalyze it, I think it's two things. I think one, you can see your own demons and, somebody else a lot easier than yourself. Yeah. And during that period, like, probably right around when you were interviewing him,

like three weeks before I heard the podcast, I called him out because, you know, it seems like every time we went on a date, you'd be like, oh, my God, I need a meeting. And I'm like, how long has it been since you went to meeting? Two weeks. And it just seemed like his full-time relationship was taking him away from his program. He didn't have a sponsor. He didn't have sponsors. He wasn't going to

meeting. He had a service position that kicked him out of because he was liking on it. And I wrote him on a scathing email when we were dating about like, kind of like tough love. Like, look, dude, if you need to kick me out of your life to get your shit together, then you need to do that. And it was really like I could, he was starting to relapse without using. And I knew, and I saw that in him because I was starting to do that too. And so I think I needed that relationship because I could see how close he was to going over the edge. And really it was me who needed the advice.

giving him. Right. So in a weird way, the losing him was, like he signifies you in a weird way. All I'm trying to point out is that it's like, it's not about, like when you start to look at when you get to the point where you could look,

like let go of thinking about him and try to look at what it is that he sort of is a symbol of that you can't let go, then you'll be able to let go of him. It's not him that you can't let go. It's like something that he stands for. And maybe that's some part of yourself or whatever it is. I just, and I think when you're ready for that, you'll see it and you'll see it really clearly. And that's when you'll be able to let go because you are in another relationship now.

How long have you been dating your new guy? Just about four months. Right. But didn't you really like him? I do. So there's another aspect to Rob, which is I think why it's so sticky. And it really, it doesn't have to. much to do with him. It's me. Like, I am a sex addict. So I get sexually addicted to people.

Rob is, you know, from his story, if he was in his podcast, you know, he was sexualized at a young age and learned how to work women as his only sense of worth. And then he was into cuck holding and all this stuff because he got to then screw, you know, that cheerleader who wouldn't give him the time of day her in front of her man and that got him off. and so I became sexually addicted to him and dependent on him. Was sex like amazing with him? I mean, it wasn't really good, but I also think I am a sex addict. So I, you know, compulsive, addictive, risky sex is how I feel love, which I know now is not love.

Right. So he was able to like show me love to the only way I could kind of receive it. And I think that's why, you know, that he, I confuse. emotional and sexual dependence of poor nurturing and support. Right, so because you had a certain kind of... Right, so it's because you had a certain kind of sex with him and made you feel like there was this intense love,

but now that you're coming into your own and really realizing it, the more you realize that, the more you realize it wasn't love and you'll be able to. All I'm just saying is like, because I've had those sort of attachments that you are really hard to let go. And I have to say when you finally let go of them and you finally will eventually,

It really feels like you got out of fucking jail, you know? And I just can't wait until you get to that with him. But it takes time. You know what I mean? And that's the only reason why I'm talking about it because I've been stuck in that place. And it's a, I know it's not a big part of you right now. So much of you is doing really well and you've moved on in a lot of areas. But even if you have that little thing, it'll just feel so good when you just like clip that off and you're done with him.

Because it's not really him. But it is a, because it's a deeper thing, it just could take. time, you know. But you start off. Yeah. Being in, like, I'm actually in what I think is a healthy relationship now and I've never been in one before. So like the stability

and the growing deeper with a person and the open communication feels weird to me. Like, I'm used to drama and hectic and compulsive and addicting and porn star sex. Right. Right. Yeah, this is like flat. More well. Nurturing. Yeah. It feels wrong.

because like this guy doesn't actually like me because he won't scream me like a point start and treat me like shit or I don't really like him because I'm not doing that to him. Yeah, it doesn't have that feeling, that same feeling like of intensity. Right. And so I think that's where the raw thing can come in because, you know, like I am trained to like

that's what I want but I actually know that's not what I want and I don't consent to wanting that anymore. It's like I have to retrain my brain and repattern it to give myself permission to have something good and healthy. Yeah, and that's what you're doing with the new person. And how did you, because you started with the new person, right, being Polly, right? And then somehow you guys decided, I'm assuming very early on because you're only four months into it,

to close it up and be, have a more regular relationship, right, and be monogamous. How did that happen? I was like purposely abstinent celibate for the first five months of my sobriety and in, the 12-step programs. And we met through a friend of a friend. And the first time we met, we just said, oh, hi, nice to meet you. And then the next time we hung out, this friend of mine, who I'm not friends with anymore, she actually, like, told him behind my back that I was Polly and that I was kinky and all this stuff.

But I didn't consent to her telling him. Right. So we're just standing, you know, at this event, and she'll come over and be like, oh, you know, you're both. Polly and we look at each other like, oh, I didn't know that. And okay, like, you must be trying to hook us up or you wouldn't have said something like that. Turns out that very day, he went to his first, like, Polly Pink Class at, like, an alternative lifestyle kind of event. And he was like, yeah, like, I've never really been in a deep relationship.

I can't hear you. Hello? Yeah, sorry. He had never really been in a long-term deep relationship and just monogamy always felt so, sort of. Catholic guilt to him. So he was trying out polyamory. And I had claimed to be poly prior to getting sober and kind of through sobriety. I'm like, I don't know if I'm really poly or if it was just a label I wore to give me an excuse to always have an out to always be throwing someone else. Yeah. And so we dated for a month and like, you know, we were both like free to date other people.

and because this is why I'm a sex addict because I was only seeing him but because I knew he was on Tinder and maybe might one day date some other in my mind tiny 20 year old blonde cheerleader type you know I had to go get a little arsenal of men so that I would have people and he went on another date right just for when he leaves you for when he abandons you right yeah and it was funny because he was kind of like you know I might

he's he's like mid 30s he's like you know occasionally might When I, like, you know, bang like a college girl or something. I'm like, right. Uh-huh. And so within like a week, I found like a 23-year-old guy. And he, and he, you know, still hadn't, wasn't seeing anyone else. And then I kind of started, we decided if we were going to go on a date with somebody else, we let each other know. And, of course, being the shithead that I am, like, I didn't let him know.

And he kind of caught me. And I told, you know, in that whole story of me going on a date with something. somebody else is the next thing not telling him. And he's kind of new and then asked and I didn't want to lie. You know, I realized that that 23-year-old, even though it was kind of the best sex I've had in a long time, was so unstable. This dude was like living at his mom's house, working in his parents' business, like had nothing going for him, but he was great in the fact.

Yeah. But it wasn't worth losing this thing actually felt like it had potential to like keep that out, you know, that way out with this 20-year-old dude. And in that conversation, which was kind of a. and then turned into like really cute. He asked me to be his girlfriend. And we agreed that in order to see where we could go, we needed to not try to cultivate anything with anyone else.

Yeah, I think that's a good idea, especially in the beginning, right? Like just for a while, just to build your foundation for your guy's relationship, right? Because you don't even know each other, right? I mean, this is a stranger. You only know each other for months, right? So if you're like, I would think even for for anybody that wants to bring other people in, whether you're Polly or your swingers, I think it's always a good idea to spend, you know, a good significant amount of time with someone else just being like intimate with them and getting to know them and

getting a really solid foundation and then sort of opening it up. Though some people would say that I'm totally wrong because some people maybe are very Polly and could do it. I don't know. but I think you can't go wrong. I know that we've talked about this since because, you know, I'm working the steps and I'm trying to get in therapy now and I'm doing all this self-work and me just accepting him for who he is and needing to be radically honest about what comes up for me has actually

sparked or catalyzed his own self-betterment process. And we both said, like, if we were allowed to see other people, we would have both, like, had a side piece already and not actually stuck through like the hard kind of having to own your own emotions or clean up your side of the street kind of stuff. If you have that way out of like, oh, it's kind of tense with my girlfriend. I'm going to go to date with somebody else tonight. It gives you a way to not actually feel those feelings or like realize your responsibility in them.

Right. So things become a little bit more disposable, right? Right. We've both been really happy that like, man, if we were allowed to see other. people. Like, I don't think I would have actually grown this much already for myself. Right. In the four months. And imagine a year from now, maybe because you both were poly people before looking for that and you sort of don't totally buy into the monogamy thing. Like, maybe after you're monogamous for a year or something, like, you guys will open it up

and be able to do the poly thing. But I think it's good for right now, especially because not that you're on shaky ground, but like, you know, they say in AA and I was sober, my first year and did all kinds of crazy things. But they say like an AA, right, you go. Like you should not have like, don't change jobs, don't get in relationships, don't do anything that first year. And everybody always does, right? Because you're just like so uncomfortable sitting in your own skin sober that I like did

a lot of things that first year. And like whatever, you know. So I think, you know, to not make that even more confusing because you're dealing with a lot of things right now, you know, it's probably best to keep that relationship as simple as possible. because, I mean, how are you going to be juggling? You're really doing a lot of work on yourself, right? It's, you know, the fact that you have time to cultivate a relationship with somebody else

while you're, you know, fixing your relationship with yourself is great, but you don't have relations. You don't have any more fucking time left. You're also working. You know what I mean? Like, it's too much on your plate, right? It has been, it's been really, you know, because my first five months of sobriety was spent not dating anyone and now just dating one person.

and things have come up in just focusing on him that like I don't think would have come up had I not been dating somebody. Right. And just weird. Yeah, that's good. I call it data. To myself in a relationship. Yeah, they call it. My therapist would call it data.

And I would always say, like, people say like, oh, if you're not good at relationships or you have problems, like stay out of them and don't date it. It's like, no, like, how are you going to work on yourself unless you're actually in something? Like, that's where the shit comes out, right? like my commitment issues would never come up when I'm by myself. Let's the fucking glory at that time. You know what I mean? It's so easy. It's when I'm in a relationship with somebody.

Somebody's getting super close to me that shit comes up and that's the only time you could really know where your problems lie and where the work you need to do is, right? So I think you're right. I think it's good to be in relationships when you're working on some stuff, on yourself because it brings it up and it shows you exactly the parts of yourself you need to work on. it brings you that data that you need to see like oh this is where I need work or whatever so I think you're totally right and I think that it's good I don't think you need to spend the whole year without a relationship you know what I mean yeah and he's been really supportive his dad has like 20 years in

AA so he's kind of familiar oh that's great the last few days I've been like kind of ragey because I had some shit come up with my ex-husband where like I couldn't get new insurance until I got him to send me your evidence of a claim. And when I call in color ID, his name still comes up, so I got really triggered. And I'm just like, he's just very understanding when I can actually say, this is what's going on. But I'm in the middle of working step two in which I don't believe I'm insane. So why would I want to be restored to sanity?

You know, and like that. And he knows that stuff. And he knows that stuff. Turned insane. Right. So I believe it now. And he, because his dad knows all this stuff. and he understands what you're talking about

when you use that language and stuff, right? Right. So he's been really, really supportive, and, you know, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve him. But I know that's also me, like, in the addiction, too. Like, I deserve shitty things. I'm a shitty person, you know. Right, and you're sober.

You go to N-A-N-A-A-A, right? I mean, do you do both? Actually, I go to A-A-A-A-and-I-A-A, Right, sex and love addiction stuff. Is that what that is? Yeah, I identify just as a sex addict because I really, I don't know what love is. I think love is just less with dependency or jealousy attached to it. Right.

And, you know, I, I could go on forever about this, but, you know, there's a little, our society I would claim is more sexist than racist, which I guess is charged. that men in SAA are like, you know, sex offenders, pedophilia people, addicted to pornography, like real hardcore shit, and the women who go in are just slut, you know. It's pretty funny, but I do feel like, you know, I used to, like, get men drunk so that they would hit on me. You know, I had a few controlling rules, like, I'll never make the first move, or, you know, first sex is not at my house, they're just weird, stupid shit, like controlled drinking, basically. and I realized that I, you know, I'm, I never, growing up in a household, which objectified and was very misogynistic towards my mother, I just thought that's how people were.

I didn't know that was how men were to women. I thought everybody was like that. Right. So I just acted like that. And I realized that's how I got a sex addiction meeting because I act like that. You know, I objectify men, and I don't think men have feelings. I think all men just went laid. I think that I hold the keys to the castle.

You know, it's just total ego power tripping. And I think because women are sort of second-class citizens, it actually means, like, you have to bow down in order to get laid by us. And so, like, that whole power trip, just, like, you know, I can actually feel just talking about it, like, my adrenaline and, like, my dopamine is just, I love that stuff. Right, that gets you hard even. Right.

It's been hard to even. even in my monogamous relationship when I get triggered or something to not go seduce my boyfriend. Right. You know, because I want that relief. Right. But the hard thing about sort of sex addiction, right? I mean, alcohol is like something that you could, I've been alcohol free for 14 years. And it's very easy to live a life without alcohol.

You don't need alcohol to survive. But sex is a part of a relationship, right? And that's where there's like a weird sort of gray area in those kinds of addictions. when people are anorexics or bulimics, it's so hard because they have to eat food, right, to live, but they have to, like, cut out certain things that deal with food, right? And so when you're a sex addict, it's hard because you're working on your sex addiction while you're in a relationship and you have to have sex with your partner, right? And it's okay.

Like, some people would say, like, once you really clean up your act and you're okay, like, there's no big deal if you seduce your partner every now and then. But because that's, like, your issue, you have to be, like, on top of it, always sort of scrutinizing everything. But I think, you know, five years, ten years down the line when you really like are, you know, coming out of this and you have more of your feet on the ground, like, you know, you'll realize that there is some power and some seduction that women have. And a little bit that is okay. You know, it's like nature. It's okay. It's like it's not such a bad thing, right? It's just a bad thing when you use it to get like what you say like that high.

And it's like an ego, it's attached to ego, you know. Because it's not. Well, and when you do it without regard that the other person has feelings. Right. Going to mixed men and women sex addict meetings, I'm learning that like, oh, men are people too. Right. Just because society has trained them to not talk about their feelings doesn't mean they don't

have them. And that's like, I'm still learning that. Mm-hmm. Right. Yeah. I mean, please, I have a son. He has feelings, as many feelings as any little girl has. I mean, you know, they both come out through the same way.

but there is a definite difference between men and women. And, you know, a part of your sort of women do have power in their sexuality and there's a lot of stuff attached to it. And all of that stuff is like good stuff when it's done in a healthy way, you know. But when it's, you know, sort of done through in a dysfunctional way, it becomes like a bad thing. Though a lot of the things you're talking about aren't necessarily bad, right? but for you right now they are and you have to be checking yourself all the time right and that's where it's difficult I think you know because you are having sex with your boyfriend and you are having an intimate relationship so you have to be like oh am I being triggered and doing this with him you

know and so I give you credit because you have a lot on your plate right now and you're doing well how long are you sober for right now um because I am seasonally aligned my sobriety date is March 21st, the spring equinox. Since we just hit the summer solstice, I have nine months. Wow, that's great. You're going to be at a year before you know it. And that's like a big thing, you know? You should be proud

of yourself. Yeah, it's, you know, but one of the hard parts of my family is still very much in denial, but I think that's because my stepdad is an active alcoholic. My father's a porn addict and my mom is just whatever addiction of choice she has at the moment.

So because I didn't get arrested for prostitution or have a DUI or lose, you know, a house or a job specifically for like looking at porn work or something like that, they're like, oh, you just need to get over this. Like you're not really an addict. You want to be an addict so you can be like countercultural and like, you know, make people have to think. Right. And my mom still, yeah, my mom still thought that like, oh, the only reason you had that, like, that. boyfriends is because, you know, if one of them was boring you, you'd sleep with the other one to get the first one mad. And I was like, no, mom, like, that's a step too advanced for me.

I was just doing it to soothe my wounds, and I didn't even register that these human beings had feelings. Right. You know, it wasn't to place my boyfriend. It was to make you feel better, right? To make you feel more secure in the situation. It wasn't about whatever, right. Right.

And I wore the label Pollyammery, so it's like, I have permission to sleep by the other people. It's not like me cheating on the dude. Like I'm doing whatever I want. So, and he knows that. Right. It's hard. Let me tell you. It's hard because not even with your parents, once you start going out in the world. Like for me, like there was a lot of times where if I bring up to new people that I don't drink and then they get into the whole sober. Like, you know, are you an addict? What is that mean? And like, you know, you start to learn to just like not give, like you make it like a very quick conversation and get over it. And then I love when sometimes when I see my old friends that knew me when I drank and they're like, oh, you were really bad. Because sometimes I forget

myself and I'm like your parents. I'm like, why the fuck? Like, why do I think that I have a problem? Like, why did I quit? Like, what's, you know? And then I see a friend and we have a conversation and they're just like, oh, yeah, you did the right thing, you know? And then when I'm really reminded and you know, you don't need anyone to validate you. But it is hard if you are around all these people and they know what you're going through and they're not supportive. Not only are they not really supportive, they're like telling you you're like wrong for what you're doing. I mean. mean, you know, but that's... I do notice, yeah.

Now in sobriety, I find, well, I also don't eat. I'm vegan, so I don't eat meat or dairy or animal products. And I find, like, I don't like, I like to be in the closet kind of about not drinking and not eating meat because as soon as you tell somebody, oh, I don't drink, nine times out of ten, they start defending why they drink. Or if I say, oh, I don't eat meat. It's not like, oh, that's a personal choice I respect, like saying I'm Jewish or something. It's like, oh, I could never do that.

or these are the reasons why you shouldn't, you know, all this whole thing. And I'm like, look, man, like, I'm not even proselytizing here. Yeah, it's just like what you do. Right. Right. Yeah. And now you're being just, like, you're acting like me saying,

I don't do this because it's not good for me. Like, I'm judging your personal choices, which I'm not, and I'm not that type of person with drinking or with animal stuff. I just find it really interesting as a culture that people get very defensive about your own choices. and for me that indicates me of some measure of shame about their choices. Maybe, yeah, I've never really understood why, but I get that all the time too, and I always

think it's like weird. It's like, I don't care that you drink. I don't even think it's bad that you drink. I can't drink. Just like I, I don't care that you eat unhealthy. I just like, I'm really into eating healthy. But like, I would never look at you and ask you why you don't, but people will look at you and be like, you know, and I think it's just like what's popular and what the majority is,

people just think is like, I don't know what it. is but it's you do get it I've always got it through in the same way and I think it's really bizarre because I think the people that are like me and you are the type of people that would ever be telling somebody else what to do it's like who cares but yet the people that are in the majority are the type of people that want to tell them what to do you know what I mean it's so bizarre and I don't really mind hanging out with what I would call normal people not addicts who do drink because I tend to live very much like I am who I am, take it or leave it. And I think when normal people drink, you kind of get that way.

So it's much easier for us to communicate because they're as uninhibited as I am every day. Right. I'm much more silly and animated because I'm not worried about being too much because I can't go around the boot in now. So I just have to be who I am. Oh, yeah. I used to love getting guys drunk on dates because like, you know, because I wasn't drunk. but I'd be like, no, like you being drunk is as good as me being drunk. It's the same thing.

It's no different. Like, do you know what I mean? So it's like, you drink up. I'm totally fine with it because I can't drink up. If you're like half cocked, then it's like no different. But yeah, I totally get that. You know, I think it's great that you're nine months sober. I think it's great that you're in a new relationship.

I think it's great that you're trying out the monogamy thing and just try. trying to get to know this person and know yourself. And I can't wait until you're over fucking rob. Okay? Like, Yeah, there's still some dynamic there. We're like, I, it's not,

you know, it's not like I'm in love with him or I want to have his babies or I even want to be his girlfriend, but I want him to not be over me. Yes, there's something else going on. Yeah, and that's that power.

It's that thing. The reason why I brought it up is because you said, like I realize about myself, I like to be the other woman because I get this and this and that out of it. And like you were the ultimate other woman for him, you know, and you lost power in that. He went back to the other woman won out over you. And I think that's like, that was like your biggest fear. It was like what you were going, you know, so I just think that that's like that killed your story. And once you sort of resolve all this on within yourself, you'll get over

him because it's not about him. But you still, like I could tell you're like eight months. because you're not even at the place where what I say rings true to you, even though what I'm saying is so true. You still keep bringing up his fucking name. It's not about him. But, you know, so you're not close to letting him go, but eventually you'll start to realize that yourself. And then after once you realize it,

it'll be like, you know, six months from then. Because it still takes time. Even if you knew it, even if you know what I'm telling you was true, still will be a little hard. But that's, you know, that's just a part of your process. And like, listen, when you get sober and you really start dealing with your stories and the dysfunction and all that stuff. Like, it's hard work.

It doesn't, it's not, I always say this is not like the fucking movies. Things don't get magically better in a day. It takes time. And being sober, I was a sober person that I'm 14 years sober. I used to think at two years I had been, I was so changed and so much better as a person. And then six years down the line, I look back and be like, oh my God, I thought two years and now 10 years and then 14 years and you're always getting better and feeling stronger and your feet are more firmly on the ground and you're learning more about yourself so it's it takes a long

time you know and it takes a while um but you're doing it and you're nine months into it and i think the hardest thing is to sort of get to the place where you really make that decision to be sober and you are you know you allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to really admit that you have a problem and then start working on it um You know, and you're nine months past that time, so you're well on your way, and I think that that's great. And I've noticed some, like, for example, I'm now, like, a year and four months into my job, and I hadn't kept a job for more than a year for, like, well, three years prior to getting sober. And I even have a second job, and both are, like, very professional.

You need very advanced degrees to get both these jobs. Yeah. So, like, that's pretty awesome. And I know that if I didn't get sober, I wouldn't have passed, like, my one-year evaluation at this job. I wouldn't have. The first six months of the job, I was getting three or four hours of sleep. I was showing up, like, I haven't showered or brushed my teeth from screwing somebody the night before. You know, it was so bad.

I was taking naps in my car, remember my lunch break and shit. So I'm so glad that, like, I clean my ass up and, you know, kept this job. And after the first year mark, I got these new resources. responsibilities and I've got to report stuff and big federal agencies and stuff. And then the last thing I'll say is I don't do resolutions, but I do what I call a spirit word or just a word for year. Uh-huh. And I've done this since 2012.

And my word for this year was reclamation. What does that mean? And I pick, just like reclaiming yourself, right? Okay, cool. Uh-huh. And you said that was, so that was before you even. got sober. Oh yeah, that was like December, January. And I did not know how much that word was going to rock my world. And I guess I forgot when I picked that world word that like, lady, you went to

rehab when you were 15, like you're still an addict, you know? Like I had to reclaim all that. Oh, and you're reclaiming yourself. I got the chills when you just said that there couldn't be anything more true because like I said before and I do believe on some level things happen subconsciously before we even realize it. So I, think, you know, like I said, and all those guys dumped you. And when big changes are coming up, like there's hints of it way before it happens, you know, like on some level, you knew that this year was going to be that. Well, you know, I sort of called it, I called it in, you know, for some reason. I was like, okay, this is the year of reclamation. Okay, but what is your word

for this year? It is time. There you go. That makes, that makes sense. And I don't. know what that's going to be, but I think it's time. I can tell you what that is. That's just a year of like doing work and maybe not feeling like you're making any huge drastic leaps in your life, yet you are. And that's what always comes after a big massive change, right? For me, in like any kind of journey of awareness or self-betterment, I need to, I tell myself, don't get attached or fight for what it looks like, but fight for what it feels like.

Right. Mm-hmm. And so what do you think, like, what you're fighting for now is? Is it just like the whole you? Is it, like, what is it that it would feel like for you that you're looking for? Well, I think at this very moment I'm fighting for my sanity, that is also a thing. because I'm working step two, which is about being insane. What am I fighting for what it feels like?

I want, I want, what do I want? I want to be happy and I want to have integrity. And I don't want to have to guess it without feels like. And how old are you, Marie? I am 32. I just turned 32 in October. And how old's your guy? He is 34.

34. And you and you own a place. Did you own a house? Like do you guys live together or planning on that or anything like that? No. I rent right now because my credit is shit because of the consequences of addiction. And he rents to. Oh, this is like somebody else bought a house with somebody.

Yeah. I get my guests. Yeah. He runs to and I don't know that we don't, we're really taking the relationship like one day at a time. Right now I'm just learning how to be alone and to not busy myself and to not extrovert myself. And so I don't think it's probably healthy for me to actually live with anyone. Like I really need to savor coming home to my sanctuary.

It's just me and my cats and I don't have to be responsible to or for anyone but my own like basic hygiene. I think it's funny because I say people say like, oh, adulting. and I don't have problems adulting. I have problems like eight-year-old childing. I have problems like brushing my teeth before I go to bed, like doing the dishes. Like literally eight-year-old kid chores are like hard. Well, they always say self-care with addicts and a lot of things.

And you say eight, maybe that's like a time, you know, for when, because I always believe like when you go totally sober, you go back to a certain age, right, where you sort of picked up or checked out. And like, so for me, I always like,

I'm like, oh, I'm emotionally, you know, younger than I am chronologically because, you know, at 15, like I started drinking, you know, so I'm always like, I'm really like a 37 year old emotionally, you know, because I didn't really start dealing with real life, you know, until a couple years ago, you know, 14 years ago. So, you know, there's something about that eight years old thing. So you're probably like eight years old and nine months right now. And you count from there. No, I think. I think that's true because actually I, we talked about my ex-husband a little bit, but I met my ex-husband when I was 15 right after getting out of rehab. And he became sort of like my savior. And around 16, we were dating for a year and we were having sex. And I, you know, I recall I was having like a sex issue where he just wanted to bang more. And I was like, why are just making out equal sex? and like I want to explore sensuality and he basically shot me down but he was my only sense of safety and security because my stepfather was an alcoholic so I kind of just went with that

and that's come up in my relationship like I had a moment a week ago where I was like uncontrolled with sobbing my boyfriend's arms because like we had kind of an issue where you know I got very good at learning men and fulfilling men's fantasies. I don't know what it's like to ask for my own sexual needs to be met. I don't even know what my own sexual needs are. And him and I, like, working through that and me feeling safe and comfortable asking for something and him as a man not taking it as an ego blow that he's been perfect instantly. You know, for me, that brought up all this shit when I was 16.

And he was able to, like, hold me while I was, like, there in my 16-year-old self, having the last time I had that conversation with anyone. First year is hard. You're lucky you have a guy that's like not fucking running for the hills when you're like sobbing because, you know, he brings up your 16 year old self, you know, because that could be like what the fuck is going on to like somebody else, right? But that's where you're at and you're going to have those things come up for you because that's what happens when you take your addictions out of your life and you're

totally sober. Like you feel things and things come up. and that's what you need to happen. So at least you have a guy who's able to sort of stick with you when you, like I said, are like sobbing for that because some people would think that you're fucking nuts, you know? But he's cool with it. Yeah.

Yeah. And this is like, it's a nutty time when you get sober. You know, when I look back and think of the things that I did, I was a little crazy afterwards because you're just, it's like, you know, you're just coming into your own. but you certainly need a lot of time before your feet really sort of settle onto the ground. It takes time, you know. And the only way you could ever get to that is to go through what you're going through, you know, and so it's like you're nine months closer to that point where you start to feel that and get there.

So it's so great. And like, look, we're like at almost an hour. It's like I don't know that I could even pair you with anyone else. I'll just do this as a whole episode. Do you think, let me ask you this because I'm going to wrap it up. Do you know if Rob knows? Because I haven't gotten in touch with him yet. Maybe you could give me his email.

Because I can't find it for some reason because I found him on Craigslist. So some people from Craigslist, I don't have their email. But do you know if he knows that you called in and ever heard your episode? I told him. Oh, you did. But I don't think he ever responded because it was just a text and it was after we weren't speaking. Yeah, but he must have listened. don't you think?

I don't know that he did. And I wonder if he's going to listen to this. He's going to hate my guts because all I'm like, oh, it's not Rob. You don't really like him. He was a fucking asshole. He was pretty defensive when you talk to him. He got really defensive. Yeah, he didn't think I was right.

And I thought it was just, it was so funny because I listened to your podcast with him on it, maybe a week after you put it on the air. Yeah. And I decided to like go get my nails done and sit there and listen to it. And I was just like jaw dropped because all the stuff you. you were talking about was had just happened in our relationship like that very weekend right one week later yet you had recorded it like a month prior yeah and i was like damn this woman is good if anybody listening wants to listen to your first episode it's fucking fascinating i'll have the

episode number in the you know the writing thing that i do and they should listen to rob's thing too and uh we'll talk next year and find out what time means for you and let's see what your how your relationship is with your new guy. So keep me posted. Okay, it sounds good. All right, thanks, Marie. Thanks for calling in. And good luck with everything in the new year.

Thanks. Bye. All right. Bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers,

is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like, there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really.

call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available. all coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content

with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audio book, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you. the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.

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