Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 233 - Nikki is Secretly Pansexual

Episode Date: May 28, 2018

Nikki is married with kids but is secretly pansexual. What does pansexual mean? How does it play out in his secret life? What kinds of things has he been into being pansexual? Tune in for all the details which include the long term sexual relationship he has with a much older neighbor when he was just a teenager, the sex with he had with his cousin when he was super young, as well as his adult experiences with crossdressing, transgender escorts, bdsm, pegging, and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Tickets available at comedy seller.com and ticketmaster.com. You're listening to Strictly Anonymous on the Riotcast network, riotcast.com. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand.

You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much. real problems. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak black fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here is your host, Kathy.

Hey, welcome to Strictly Non-Nus podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow Strictly Non-Nus podcast and Twitter, follow the show. It's Tritinonymous from me at Cartoon Therapy. If you haven't subscribed to my show, subscribe to my show, if you could write a review, write a review for my show wherever you listen to my show thanks to the people who have been writing reviews uh someone recently wrote one on iTunes and someone wrote one on Stitcher they're really good for the show for a couple of reasons that I don't want to get into so but so if you could do it and you like my show and you could do it do it okay it's very appreciative I mean appreciated

I like the worst grammar um anyway this is a call in a vice show where I give total strangers like my unprofessional advice. It's more so a place where just people call up and talk about like their interesting, secret, naughty, dirty lives, right? I have a lot of people like that on my show. So if you fall into any of those categories and you want to be on this show, send me an email at Strictly anonymous podcast.com or go to strictly anonymous podcast.com and click on be on the show.

I wrote a book. I drew a book. It's like a cartoon novel. If you want to know more about me and my fucked up relationships than what I like to do, sexually speaking or right is that proper grammar I don't know um go to my website and click on buy the book it's uh it's just like a funny book uh what else that's about it i said if you want to be on the show right i have a guy named nicky on my show today and nicky is pansexual i think that's going to be the title uh this guy is into a lot of things and he's got a lot of

interesting stories especially the shit like i mean he's married and has this whole other secret life and we talk all about it and he's had a lot of like he's had a lot of things and he's had a lot of lot of interesting, quote-unquote, relationships, right? One was with his much older neighbor when he was like a teenager. It was an ongoing thing. One was, I wouldn't call it a relationship, but he had sex with his cousin, okay, multiple times. Like he fooled around with his cousin. We talk about that. We talk about the neighbor. We talk about who he's been attracted to, all the stuff he's been into, which include bondage, BDSM, pegging, girls, guys, transgendered, females, cis people. Do you know what that means? I didn't fucking know. CIS? Well, we talk about that. We talk about what it means.

The people he's hung out with that were cis. What else? And all that stuff. Like I said, he's a married guy and he does all this stuff on the down low. So you guys are the only one that knows about this shit that he's going to talk about. Except for some of the stuff that happened to him when he was really young, he did get caught. And we talk about him with his cousin, I think he got caught. It's pretty bad. We talk about that. And that's about it. So I'm just going to be right back on with Nikki.

Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly? and be on the show. Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.

Hey, Nikki, welcome to Strictly Anonymous Podcast Rowan. How are you doing today? Great, great. Thank you, Kathy. So, Nikki, you know, I was saying before we got on the call, I'm like, should we make your name something, like Nick, because Nikki could be like a girl name, and then you're like, oh, yeah, duh. Do you remember what we're talking about?

What we're talking about is, like, you have, and you do have, like, a totally secret life, right? Right. Where you have this whole other thing going on that would make your name being sort of ambiguous, right? It could be a girl's name, a guy's name. It fits in this call, right? Because why don't you start with your story and give a little background to why your call? and what we're going to talk about. Yeah, sure.

I mean, I'll start off by saying I started listening to your program, and I think my initial feedback was, this is really awesome because it made me feel a little bit more normal, I guess. Just kind of knowing that there are other people out there that had similar interests and that were kind of comfortable voicing those interests. And so I've had, you know, a strong interest in a lot of different things over my life. life, but a lot of them had kind of come together with this idea of, you know, bisexuality or feminization.

There's even cross-dressing involved. I mean, it's kind of ebbed and flowed over my entire life. And so it was fascinating for me to hear, you know, other people's stories. And it just kind of made me think that it might be interesting for other people to hear, you know, what I do or have done and have been interested in, you know, if nothing else, you know, to know that you know, you're not alone. You know, there's a... Yeah, totally.

...the same way, right? And that was very comforting for me. Yeah. Go on. Yeah, so anyway, if you want, I mean, I can start, like, giving you... You use the background. You're the one that uses the word pansexual, right? Like, I mean, is that what you would describe who you are?

But you're married, right? Like, that is the backstory about, like, you're... You have this one life where you're married, right? And you said, like, your wife... Most people would think you're open-minded, and even your wife would say you're open-minded, but she would have... have no idea about the fact that you would label yourself as pansexual, right? Like, does she have any idea about any of your experiences that have to do with, like,

outside of, you know, female relationships? No, no, no, no. She doesn't. And it's interesting because I think she would probably be, you know, fairly understanding and accommodating, you know, so I feel a little bad about that, like, somewhat guilty. But there's a reason why I don't tell her about it. And a lot of it has to do with an experience I had with a former girlfriend. And I did get to a point where I was like, well, I'm going to share this side of my life with that person.

And I possibly did a bad job of telling the story. Well, how long were you with the person for? We were together for, I want to say, two years, perhaps. Okay. And what did you exactly tell her? Well, I was really good at hiding my Internet searches, but she saw some stuff that I was searching around on the Internet. And she kind of questioned a bit. And a lot of it was about like BDSM and like cross-dressing type of stuff.

And she found it. And so I said, you know, well, you know, not the best way to bring it up for sure, but let's just have an open dialogue. And I shared with her, you know, kind of some of my desires from the past and things that, you know, I was interested in things that I experienced. And I hadn't really, didn't go into any much detail. I just told her about, you know, some of the ideas that I had and some of the desires that I had. and it basically like it killed our sex life.

I mean, it just died. You know, and I don't think she was totally honest with me, like how much it bothered her. But it was kind of the beginning at the end of our relationship. It just slowly died out from there. And we ended up breaking up. And I was like, so I was a little, I think probably gun-shy about bringing that up again because it's a really good experience, you know, mentioning it to the person who, you know, I cared about and I thought cared about me and maybe we could have an open conversation.

Again, it was not an elegant way. for me to bring it up. How long ago was that? How old are you now? I'm in my mid-40s. And so how old were you when you told her? I was probably in my early 30s, so very early 30s. That's kind of ballsy.

Listen, I think that's like nowadays I get a lot of younger people, like sort of being very free with that kind of information with people and their partners are very, you know, like accepting and stuff. But like I'm from your generation, right? So to me, when I hear someone doing that, even like 10 to 15 years ago, like that's really ballsy because, you know, people, it wasn't the, it was a very different kind of world back then, you know? I mean, nowadays, things change so much.

It was like a different world every year, right? But like 15 years ago, it's like it's like the fucking ice age when it came to sexuality and any kind of, anything that didn't fall into the norm, which was like, or straight or gay or, you know. So to be able to tell somebody. And then, you know, for her, you know, I think you would, it's the odds that she was going to react that way at that time so long ago, you know, weren't in your favor. Like, or that she was going to act in a way to be accepting of it. It wasn't in your favor.

You know, I think it's like, it makes sense that she did that. I think a lot of women would have reacted that way. If her guy that they're dating that they think is like totally straight, totally into them was like, oh, by the way, I'm into all. these things. And what are the things that you're into? Like, what did you explain to her? And what, like, what are we going to be talking about? Okay. So what I explained to her is very different than when I'm into. Because I mean, I was kind of dabbling around this, right? So I kind of scratched to the surface of what I'm into. And basically what I told her back then was, look, I've always had an interest in kind of having sex with men or, you know, I don't want to say boys, being like

a man having sex with boys. But when I was young and I was a boy, I kind of had some experiences. Oh, yeah, we got to talk about that one experience. I'm sure. And I shared a little bit of that with her, not a ton of detail. And just that, that was enough to kind of freak her out. But things that I'm into and things that I've experienced would go well beyond just having a passing interest in there. So I've had, you know, experiences when I was, again, with a young boy. So in my age, we used to have sex together.

And then I had an experience with an older man. And then I think I mentioned in my email, And I got out of high school, went into college. And looking back now, I was like, like, that's what I should have had some time to experiment. I really didn't do anything because I was so caught up in kind of the normal college life, you know, fraternity and all those types of things. And I've got a comic thing about that now is like so many guys in my fraternity came out of the closet afterwards. Like, dang, and I should have, you know, I should have been part of that group, right? But I did.

And it really wasn't until after college that I got a chance to kind of explore. And really, I think this story is probably very common, right? When you have an idea for people in our generation, right, you have an idea of what's out there, but you don't really know. And now the Internet comes along and all of a sudden, like, wow, this kind of cornucopia of stuff that's out there. Uh-huh. And I'm not sure intellectually whether or not, you know, I would be into this stuff regardless

or if I got into it because of what I saw, you know, like some of the Internet porn and things like that, you kind of go down the rabbit hole and like, oh my God, that looks interesting. I'm going to try it at. I don't think so because the stuff, because I know, because you gave me a very long-winded email, which I read, and typically I like to go and not know a lot about stuff, but I do know that a very young age, you were experimenting with a lot of the things that you're into now. So I don't think that it was like it came sort of out of the blue, right? It was like these were things that you were into in the internet. I think maybe helped you realize and hone it down or give it names and give it, you know, and sort of, so you could figure out more of like what that meant.

But you were doing, you were experimenting, you had a lot of stuff going on when you were like really young. Yeah, so I did start off pretty young. And the experiences I had was with a family member who was around my age. You don't want to be too specific with what relationship was. No, but like, okay. But no, how could you not be specific? We don't need to know the name of the person. But like, was it your cousin?

Was it your brother? Yeah. It was a cousin. a cousin, yeah. And a first cousin. First cousin. So very close, you know, sleepovers, all that type of stuff, right? Just very traditional. How old were you at the time? I really, I was kind of struggling with understanding the age because it's been so long, right? But I think I would have been about eight, you know, seven, maybe eight years old, maybe nine or ten, like right in that time frame, kind of pre-pubescent. I mean, obviously we hadn't, we didn't have, you know,

pubic hair or anything, right? Which is like, bald boys, right? But I do recall, like, we had sleepovers, and he and I would, you know, we would, like, play with each other, and I would suck him, and he would suck me. And we used to do it, and there were people around, like, we just were playing, right? Right. And I do recall one time we got caught, you know, by an uncle, and we kind of got the lecture, like, what were, you know, what are you guys doing? Oh, my, what were you doing when they caught you? We were naked, and I think, this is why, like, I think. How old again?

I think I was probably about 10. Okay. That's young. To really know what the hell's going on, you know? No, and we really didn't even know like what sex was. I think we had an idea of what it was because, you know, I think our parents, both his parents and mine were kind of fairly progressive folks. You know, they'd given us the books around, you know, what sex is and how it works

between a man and a woman, that type of stuff, like cartoon type of books. Yeah. So we knew, like, penis went in the vagina type of thing. And so we're smart enough to connect that, well, look, we're two boys and there's no vagina. Maybe we should try it at the butt, you know. Oh, my God, hilarious. And so, like, I think I was trying it with him, and it didn't really work out. Like, we didn't know what Lou was and, like, how to actually execute on this,

but, like, the idea was there. And it wasn't difficult to make that connection between, you know, step A and step B. Like, we're playing with each other. This feels good. And we know that that works for a guy and a girl. And there's a hole, right? Let's figure it out. Yeah.

So it's interesting to me that, you know, this kind of nature versus nurture dialogue, you know, it was pretty easy to make that step at a very young age. Anyway, the embarrassing part of it is that we kind of, we got caught, you know, and we didn't think the lock the doors of doing that kind of stuff. Because I don't think any, we really realized what we were actually doing, which is just kind of fun. We're playing together. And so we kind of got a very passive lecture like, hey, guys, this is something you do with, you know, your husband, your wife, and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. We kind of let it go. And then, you know, we grew up.

and we stopped doing that. But I had always felt like that was part of me. And then around the same time, I would go out in my mom's closet, and I would, I don't know, I don't really honestly don't know how it started, but I remember trying on one of her dresses at a very young age, probably around the same time. And I just loved the feel of it. You know, and I tried on her panty hose, and I was like, wow, this feels really good.

There was a fair amount of time I was home by myself. Right. it's just the way that it worked in our family. And, you know, that segue into trying on a little bit of her makeup. And I just, I loved it. I mean, I loved the feel of it. I loved to feel the clothes.

I liked the way I looked when I had makeup on. And, you know, by makeup, I mean very minimal, like, you know, lipstick and a little bit of blush and maybe some eyeliner type of thing. Well, listen, how much more could you be doing? Right, right. And it wasn't like this was a full get-up or anything like that. But, you know, it just, it felt really good.

I mean, there's something very, physical about it. It was exciting. And I just remember really, really enjoying that. And not really, you know, fully understanding why I enjoyed it, but I did. But I never wanted to be a girl. I don't know if that makes any sense. Like I kind of researched this a little bit.

Right. Like you like that you were a boy wearing this stuff. It wasn't like you wanted to be. It wasn't like you wanted to be transgender or anything like that. Like you felt like something was wrong or you, right? Right. Right. Look, I mean, I played.

sports and was very physical and did all this kind of traditional boy things and you know fought in the railroad track and all that stuff I mean just but there was this side of me that it really just enjoyed that that kind of softness and that femininity and again I didn't I wasn't like outwardly feminine and still aren't today and everyone would look at me and go well yeah definitely that guy's fan right but at that at that time it just felt good and I and I enjoyed it and then I found a little bit of pornography. We had a neighbor, like an older guy that had some magazines. And when I say older, he was very high school. Yeah.

And he had some of these old cherry magazines. I don't know if you remember that magazine cherry. Yeah, definitely. It was like a dirty. That was like a dirty magazine. It was pretty dirty. Compared to Playboy, right? Like there was Playboy, right?

And then there was Cherry, which was like a more like, just more. dirty. It was more hardcore. Yeah. And they had a, in some magazine, I can't remember what year it was, but they had like an insert that talked about BDSM. And it was like this whole story of a slave and, you know, his relationship with his mistress and all this stuff and like the things that she would have him do.

And I think it included, you know, some forced feminization and that type of a thing. And I remember, like, this is awesome. and I felt really, like, tentillated by this whole thing. By the way, I didn't even know at that point, like, what, how to ejaculate. I had never, like, come before. I didn't know what that was. Right. I learned about it by reading this magazine to talk about orgasming in different ways

you orgasms. And I actually had my first, like, orgasm because I tried it, like, I'm going to masturbate, and I tried this reading that magazine. Yeah. So, I mean, you know, I've listened to a lot of your shows, and there's one of the themes that I seem to hear is kind of, you know, this child experiences how they kind of imprint on you and especially very early on and I looking back now I feel like that probably had some impact because that that really was my first experience with

an orgasm. I didn't even know what it was. It was kind of freaky as a boy like what is this stuff coming out, you know? But man, it felt good and we're going to try this again, right? Yeah, and then you get so wired in that first kind of a thing, right? Whatever it was that would like you were thinking about or doing or whatever, right? Yeah, it makes sense. You don't have to be a, like, because I always say I'm on a therapist, I don't know, but it's just, it just makes sense even if you don't, never read the book about, you know, psychology, right?

Right, right. So, I mean, it was, it was fun, and I enjoyed that piece of it, and that kind of segues into, you know, now the dressing in my mom's, you know, clothes. And, you know, of course, I had experienced masturbating with that. And I learned in that, in that book about anal sex. And so, of course, I experimented with that. found some kind of household toys that I could use, you know, and some Vaseline and just kind of figured that. Oh my God.

I had one guy that used to shove a, what was it? What the fuck was it? It was so great. Like a Barbie? It was like G.I. Joe up his ass. Like, could you just, because nobody knows who you are. I don't even know who you are.

Can you just tell me the like the weirdest thing? Because listen, you're stuck in a house, right? And you got to come up and like be creative. Like what was the most creative thing? And what was the funniest thing you used? Well, there was really. Okay, so not very creative, not very funny, not very different. I found a tool around the house that was very consistent.

I could use it over and over again. What kind of tool was it? Okay, so back in the day, my dad used to smoke cigars. They're these called Garcia-Uvaga cigars, and they came in a little plastic tube. Oh, that's smart. The size of a cigar, especially for a young person that was like perfectly sized, right? And he would just smoke a cigar and throw these things out. And so I had this kind of a little collection of them that I could use.

And so, yeah, it was easy. They were like, it was kind of like a little dildo, basically. It was kind of hard plastic, but you could, you know. Yeah, totally. I learned about Vaseline at that time, like, figured that piece of it out. Right. And so I would use those. And it was fun.

And there weren't, like, overbearing, right? It wasn't so big that it hurt. And I just kind of learned to play with that. I'd have a good time. but I didn't, you know, I would just masturbate and have fun with that, but I never learned about like having a prostate orgasm or anything until much, much later. But I just, I enjoyed the feeling of it and I enjoyed, you know, kind of the idea of what was happening.

But I never really connected that to being with a man. Like, I was never been. That was before you were with your cousin? No, no, that was after with my cousin. So cousin was very early. So this and now we're kind of progressing into, you know, teen years, right? Yeah, and then you did have, we have to talk, I can't forget about the one, like, relationship you had with an older man when you were younger.

So is that going to happen after this? Yeah. So this is kind of around the same time. So I'm experimenting, I'm learning. By the way, I'm dating girls at the same time. And I had, like, I had sex with girls at a pretty young age. And so I had some experience with just kind of traditional, you know, boy and girl sex. And, of course, enjoyed that.

But I had this neighbor who, I think everybody kind of knew was gay. I mean, I didn't even know. How old were you at this time? Now I'm probably around, it's called 13. Okay. You know, so I've done some experience. What grade is that? I need to know the grade.

Do you remember? This is probably seventh grade. Seventh grade? Okay, cool. Maybe eighth grade. Uh-huh. So you have a neighbor. So I got a neighbor, and I remember talking to him, and he, I don't know how the topic

came up, but somehow, like, it came up. I honestly don't know how this came up. Let me ask you this about your neighbor. Was he a married man? How old was he? Was he a single? He was single. Yeah, he was single, but he kind of lit.

He was older. Like how old, do you remember? When you're 13, everybody's older. I know, 24 could have been really a good old to you. I think he would have been in his early 30s, early to mid 30s. Okay, so you're in seventh grade. This guy is in his 30s. He's a single guy next door.

Somehow you're hanging out with him and you bring up the fact that you're horny. Yeah. And again, it was weird as sounds, I don't know how it came up. Right, it just did. And I was flirting with him. I was totally flirting with this guy. I was like, I was trying to feel it out. And I told him.

Did you know consciously that you were like at 13, right? Because you said you had them put it together that like you were attracted to men even though you were like shoving the cigar up your ass, right? And even though you had fooled around with your cousin, it still didn't sort of register, right? But now you're next door and you say you're flirting with this guy. Do you realize that looking back or did you realize it at the time? Like, was it something that you were doing because you're like what felt yourself attracted to him? And you're like, I want to hook up with him?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So to answer your question, physically, sexually, yes. But romantically, no. And I think that's always been the difference. Yeah. Yes.

You're by. You're not, you're not. Right. Yeah. Okay. But you were sexually attracted to him. Totally. Yeah.

And I was kind of fishing around and I made a comment. And the comment I made was like, I'm so horny. I'd even watch like gay sex. I'd watch gay porn. You said that to him. I said it to him. And his eyes kind of lit up and he's like, really? And I go, yeah, you know, that's all I'm feeling right now.

And so a little bit of old, he comes back with a couple minutes later and he gives me, you know, back in those days, like VHS tapes, right? Yeah. Of it was gay porn. And, of course, I hurried home and popped it into VCR and watched it. And it was just riveting, right? So I hear people actually doing, you know, what I had thought about and had it played with personally. Uh-huh.

You know, I got actually witnessing it in some respects. And, yeah, it was totally hot. So I went back to his house and told him about it. Like, this is the next day or a couple days later. And he said, do you want to come in and watch with me? And I said, yeah, sure. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know.

Totally let him on. And we went in and sat down and he popped in. Well, I don't think that you let him on. I mean, at that moment that he gave you the gay porn to go home. I mean, like, that's not like someone. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? It worked well

It worked out well for both Right I think I said in my email Like looking back You could probably say that this guy Was a child molesterite Yeah we don't know Like what do we think about that

I don't know But you're like But you were like into him And you initiated Like you brought it up And then he said oh Here's the gay porn And the gay porn

And the gay porn wasn't like Little Kid porn right Like it wasn't like anything like that Yeah exactly And did you look manly at that age Well, I mean, I was like 13. I was probably pretty cute, you know, like a little young thing. Right. But anyway, so we went into his room and sat down and watched it and then he asked me if I wanted a blow job.

And I was like, yeah, sure, I'll give it a try. And so he gave me a blow job. And I remember, like, telling him I'm going to come and I'm going to, and he's like, he went down harder. And he swallowed. I was like, that was insane. Like, I never experienced anything like that before, you know, and that was pretty awesome. So we ended up, like, I think for one summer, maybe a year and a half, two years. Like, I would go over to his house and, like, sneak in, and we would have sex and is always him, like, taking care of me. I was never. You were a bottom.

I was a bottom, but it was never any anal involved. He was just, like, his low job, and he would, like, give me, what's the term I'm looking for, like, anal pleasure? No, I mean, I guess. He would finger your ass? Yeah. He would finger your ass or he would use his mouth on your head like you. He would lick, you know, very, very, very oral, you know. Right.

It was awesome. But I never did anything. I was like, you never did anything to him. Yeah, I was a total. I was a really bad leg, you know, I was like to sit there and lay back and you would take care of me. And it was good. I think one time we tried like, you know, anal on me and it just didn't work. And then one time I did him.

I actually fucked him once. And that was pretty fun. But I wasn't into it. Like, I never wanted to see his dick. It was weird. Like, I didn't want to see any part of him, but he could take care of me, and it was fine. And I think he enjoyed it, and I enjoyed it, and we had a lot of fun together. And then I moved.

But wait, so for a year and a half, like, when you say sometimes I would go to his house, like, would this happen, like, once a month every week? Oh, it was like. All the time? Once a week. Right, because you're so horny. Yeah. Yeah, it was pretty frequent. And nobody got wind of that.

and you never, have you ever told anyone else besides like all my listeners now? No, no, no, now everybody in the world knows about it. Yeah. But, no, I've never, I've never told anybody about that. No, no way. Not only just because for me, it's, you know, it's not something I'd want to share with it. But also, there's this, there's this idea that this goes an older guy, and maybe he took advantage of me. I would want it, you know.

Right, you don't feel like it was that kind of, right, and you don't feel like it was that kind of scenario. Like you said, both of you guys got pleasure. You were interested in him straight off the bat. It wasn't like he sort of, you know, right? Yeah, no, I never felt to take an advantage of in any way. And so I would never want that going back on him for any reason. But, yeah, the sex was great. We had a lot of fun.

But, again, I was pretty bad in terms of what I provided for him. I don't think the guy ever came, you know, poor guy. Maybe he did afterwards or something, like fantasizing about it. But I was, you know, I was very young and I didn't really know what to do. was kind of freaked out about the idea of being with a guy. I mean, I liked the sex, but I was like, I didn't want to see anything. I didn't want to really experience. I just wanted him to take care of me, and he did.

He did really, really nice job. And then I moved away, and we saw each other, like, maybe once or twice. I mean, one time, we actually came over at my house, and we had sex in his car. It was pretty awesome. Oh, wow. But that was kind of it. Like, we'd ever, everybody saw each other after that. And then, you know, I was, now I'm knee-deep in high school, and I've got girlfriends,

and playing sports and doing stuff and then off to college. And like really looking back on that's kind of regrettable because there's so many opportunities and I don't want to give away like where I live and that type of thing, but the neighborhood I was in and the town that I went to school and it was pretty open, right? That stuff was available and I could have certainly kind of experimented, but I didn't and that was, you know, that's okay. I mean, it's just a different part of my life. Right.

So then after college, then I started, I was kind of living on my own. and the internet, you know, when I was in school, there wasn't really much by way of internet, but everyone came when I got out of school, out of college, and then it started kind of coming up. And so then I began learning a little bit more about different things and learning a little bit more. Like the idea of cross-dressing came back to me. And the idea of dressing up in women's clothing came back. And I was living by myself and or I had roommates different types of situations. So I was like, it's more available to me now because, you know, I had a little bit of money.

I'm working and, you know, now I can kind of play with this a little bit. So I would, I would from time to time buy clothes, you know, like, you know, Teddy or stockings and things like that and just kind of dress up in them and, you know, a wig from here or there. And I would just be by myself, basically, just me, myself and I enjoying that time. And it was fun. It was okay. And then that eventually segueued into, I mean, I kind of wanted to pair up this idea of, you know, the gay sex, for lack of a better term, sex with a man. Yeah. You know, me being dressed as a woman.

Like, that idea of that was pretty sexy. But I didn't really want to, like, find a guy. Like, at a next thing, I've never really been interested in guys, per se. I like, like, the dick's fine. But I don't know that makes any sense. Yeah, it was funny because it was like this weird thing that you, when you wrote in your email, you're like, oh, blah, blah, blah, blah, but I've always, I'm married and I'm really into women,

but I've always been attracted also to blank. You didn't write the word men. I know. Yeah, yeah. You just, you just forgot it, but like, a lot of times those kind of weird things, like, you know, like, it's like some of a subconscious kind of a thing that it was just kind of funny that you didn't write that in there. Do you know what I mean?

That was the one word you didn't put in there in that sentence. Anyway. I was rewording the sentence and I forgot. Yeah, whatever, but, you know, whatever. But anyway, maybe there was something to that. No, the truth is, like, I really like penetration. I like being penetrated. I like to suck tick.

I like that. But I really don't like guys, if that makes any sense. Like, I'm not really indecis with men. Like, would it be, like, way better if you had a girl that would, like, peg you, right? Isn't that what it's called if a girl puts on a strap on in? Yeah. Right. That's what you would be into.

That would be ideal. Right. Like a pegging relationship would be great. I would love that. But, so I ended up seeing, like, professional dominatrix. Because I kind of, going back to that original story, I wanted to play with Adela. little bit and so I saw a pro-dom and I remember the first time doing that I was in a big city and I saw one and I kind of you know explaining people what you want it's a little unusual especially

people you don't really know hearing I'm telling you all the stuff but like having the having the dialogue with the pro-dom about what I was interested in and they kind of teed out what you really are looking for and she's like okay I kind of have an idea what you want to do here and she blindfolded me got me on my knees and she strapped on a dildo and then just like forced my mouth on it And I was in heaven. I was like, this is awesome. Like I hadn't done that since, in my basic, since I was a little kid, right, with my, with my cousin.

Because I never did anything like that with the guy. You know, I never did anything with him. It was only with this pro dom. I was like, wow, this is really satisfied. I enjoyed, like, that's feeling it being forced into it and kind of being the real submissive in this thing. And she had me dressed up in, like, a little, you know, panty outfit type of thing.

And it was super hot, and I loved it. So that kind of got me started into, this idea of cross-dressing and forced feminization and and and and then really kind of experimenting with like going for it with with sex like actual you know not just a tilt that right but the real thing and so I saw a couple of pro doms after that where we did like full makeovers and that was awesome you know where you just you've got a full outfit on and nails and eyelashes and makeup and the whole thing and you're walking around and then I had one that was really good And then she was just taught me after that.

And it was great. And so we had a lot of fun. But those relationships kind of dwindle out, too, you know, because they people move on. Other things are happening in my life in parallel, right? There's jobs and relationships that are taking place there that kind of limit my ability to go do these other things, you know, 10 o'clock on a Tuesday night, right, with their professional top of nature. It's like, where are you, right?

You should be at home type of thing. So that part of it kind of trailed down a little bit, but I've always been very interested in it. always really enjoyed it. And then what I found, like, most recently was a real interest in the trans community, like, and, you know, transgender, you know, T-girls, that kind of thing. Because I think for me, and I don't know, you know, like, trying to dig into the psychiatry, but, like, the idea of having, I love women. I love, like, femininity and, like, being with women, you know, dressing one, like, one from time to time. But I also love, you know, the sex. I love being a boss. I love sucking dick and all that stuff that goes along with it. So like here's this perfect combination of those things. You know, the beautiful femininity, but kind of the sexuality of a man and all the tools that that can provide. And that just kind of leads to pretty mind-blowing, you know, sexual experiences.

Right. So that's kind of where I am. I mean, it's a little bit of a, you know, a windy road, you know, but there's a real part of me that it's just, I just simply enjoy the sex. I really have no interest in being, you know, like permanently converting to a woman or like coming out. I have no interest in a relationship with a man. I mean, I certainly love my wife and my family and the whole thing. But there's just times I like the sex.

The sex is great. And it's super fun and fulfilling. So that's kind of my story. But you're, but you, but the real, the other story, though, is that you have like a wife. Do you have kids on the side and like a whole other left, right? And like with like, right. No one knows about the stuff like you said in the email to me that you have seen escorts and so like,

right? Like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because I've kept everything on, on like the professional level for a reason. Because I don't really don't want,

you know, I don't want anything coming back, right? And I'm kind of financially secure. That's so money's not a problem. So I know that I kind of have an ethical issue with it, right? If people are kind of forced into it.

But, um, I found with a few providers that, you know, it's an anonymous, right? It's professional. But you see very specific ones, right? It's not like they're... Yeah, there's kind of a community of them around where I live, and there's like three or four that I would go to from time to time.

And they're like transgender? Like, what's the deal with them? Yeah, yeah, transgender. I mean, not like cross-dressers. I mean, these are girls that, like, would live full-time. You wouldn't know if you saw them at a mall that they were boys. or that they had a dick. I mean, they all clearly identify as women, and I call them women.

They just, like, really, the difference is they have a dick, and they use it. That would be, like, the perfect, that's like the perfect person for you, right? Because you like women, right? Yeah, because I mean, like, there's one recently that I saw. And most of the time, it's like you have an experience, and it's sexual, and you talk, and they'll chit-chat here and there, but you don't really, you know, get to know them. But this one was very, very open and wanted to talk, and we had a really, really nice. conversation and I didn't tell her on this background stuff but I did tell her like you know I enjoy

this part of my life and I enjoy like I would want to get dressed up from time to time and she was like you know we had a really nice conversation about it and it was actually really hot we had a lot of fun talking about and we we had sex twice it's very unusual like most of the time you have this transaction like you get in you do your thing and you kind of get out but this time we we did that and we talked and then we got heated up again and we got sex again and you know she talked about which I thought was just fascinating I told her or look, I'd like to roll around in this and play from time to time, like, and just have fun with this femininity.

But it's not when I want to live full time. And she kind of floored me. She goes, yeah, maybe I should have done that. She goes, I mean, this girl is beautiful, like, your tits and body, the whole thing. And she's like, yeah, because this is, you know, this is kind of tough. Right. And she was really, like, put in, like, a box then, right? Because she could only be that.

She can't sort of switch back and forth. anymore, right? Yeah, exactly. And I get that, but I never really had kind of contemplated that, but I really open dialogue about it and it was fascinating. But so that's kind of how it is for me. Like, I enjoy playing in it, right, and being part of it and having that kind of segmented component of my life. But I don't want it to be, you know, all of who I am. That's really not. I mean, I certainly would love to share it with my wife. And, like, we got to a point where, you know, like she was okay with that. And I know you have these swingers that come on and I'm just fascinated by that idea that, you know, these families or couples that can be open and can be honest.

Yeah, like, and I'm really fearful of that because of the experience that I had in the past, you know, and like I don't want anything to damage the relationship that I've got with. But you did say, but let me ask you this, because you did say very early on, like I really think she'd be okay with it. Why do you say that? Because did you feel that way about the first girl and she really wasn't? And maybe you just read people wrong or this, your wife's, you're, wife is very different. You've been married with to her a lot longer than two years, right? Right. We've been together for, you know, well past 10 years. So, um, she's had some, she had an experience. I guess the only thing I could say is if, A, she's, she's, she's a very, like,

intelligent, smart, open person. She's not an irrational individual. The other one was pretty crazy. I mean, she was a little bit nuts. But, you know, my, my wife is just like a very normal person, very nice. And she's also, you know, very thoughtful. But she's also had an, she has, She had personally had an experience, like in college, and she shared with me. What was her experience? She just, you know, like kind of a very traditional girlfriend type of thing, and they played, but never really went too far, but she had one. And, you know, she shared that with me.

And so I think I take that as kind of nugget of both two things. One, you know, we care for each other. Maybe three things. One, we care for each other. Three, she's pretty intelligent and open. Or two, she's intelligent open. And three, she's had this experience. before. So if I kind of put those things together, it leads me to believe that she'd probably

be more open. But I think that's a big step for me to say, hey, I like dressing up like a girl and getting fucked, right? That's a pretty big step. Or let's have this open relationship and introduce one into our life, right? That's kind of, I'm like so far down the freak path. I'm a little nervous. Wait, well, with that second scenario? Like if we brought someone in, you know, like brought a, well, but what about, let me ask you this because if you had said that like the best thing for you is like say because I said like if someone would peg you right if a woman wore or you know peg you like would that be it and you're like yeah that'd be great like if you could just do that with your wife you wouldn't even need somebody else right

or do you feel like you would well yeah I know I don't know because we've had conversations about anal and she's kind of opposed to it just like in her mind you know that's that's that's a no-fly zone right because it's kind of dirty to her. And I think it's more than she hasn't really experiment. What do you mean? That's a no-fly zone for her or for you? Well, for her, right? She's always said, like, I'm not,

you're not doing this to me type of thing. Okay, because she's not into it. Because she's not into it, but it's not, I don't think it's about physicality. It's more about, it's just gross, right? There's this kind of idea that, you know, hey, that's not what that's used for, and it's kind of disgusting.

And so she's made a few of those comments before. And, like, my number one thing is like, I want to do that to me. Like, I don't, I just don't, I don't, I just don't, I don't, I just don't, I don't, I don't think that would be something she'd be really into, right? Well, that's a problem. Then why do you, how, why would you actually think that she'd be injured? If she thinks that's too dirty, just even physically dirty, not even, you know, just like,

kinky dirty, you know what I mean? Like, just a dirty, like, uh, bacteria. You know what I mean? Yeah, exactly, right. Like, that's what she thinks, then how could you ever think that she'd be interested in having somebody else come in and do that with you. I don't understand. Why you would think that?

Because I think then you'd have to first, because you'd have to, like, because if she's so anti it with herself, like, I don't, I think it would be maybe hard for her to understand you. Don't you think? I don't know. Oh, totally. Yeah, I agree with you, 100%. And maybe I misspoke, but what I think she would be open to, or at least understanding

of, is like a desire for. for like, you know, gay sex, like just the idea of me wanting to be with another man, like to experiment and play with that. I don't know that she would fully, like, understand what that meant physically, like, was it kissing? Is it blow jobs? Is it anal? My topping, my body.

I don't know if she would go to that entire analysis. But do you think, because I think personally, when it comes to what women have to sort of swallow with that kind of information, it's not just like, oh, you being the other man, but it's just like just knowing that there's this whole other part, like, you know, part of the population that you are attracted to have been attracted to can be attracted to you know what you're not just what you would be doing with someone it's what you could be doing for the rest of your life what you could have been doing in the past that you hadn't told her about you know it's hard to bring up right i'm not and i'm not just sitting here saying it it would be a terrible

thing i think there's nothing better in life than to be completely like who you are and truthful about your stuff and have somebody else accepted, especially in a marriage, right? Because, like, you're having to live, like, a double life, right? I'm not hearing kind of any kind of, like, I mean, as far, like, say you never told her, right, and you just live this way, the way you've been going. Like, would that be totally fine for you? Or is it like, does it weigh on you? No, it really isn't. I mean, I guess the only thing I would be concerned about is, you know, well, if I ever got caught, right? There's the, there's the whole lie is involved, right? And that, that, that that does weigh on me.

And it's kind of dishonest. But look, I've always maintained, you know, honesty and as it relates to infidelity, really only benefits the person who's telling the story. Like, if, like, you're just getting something off of your chest. Like, I've always told her, if you go and go to Vegas with your girlfriends and you have a one-night stand, like, don't do me any favors by telling me about it. Like, it really doesn't do me any good. Like, just don't fall in love and don't get pregnant.

Don't get any diseases. I don't care. Because if I don't know about it, then it's like, never happened. All you're really doing is assaging your guilt, right? You're not doing anything for me or the relationship. Unless you want to carry that thing forward, then you might as well just let it go. For you, it would

be like revealing what you've done in the past. It would just be saying, hey, moving forward, can we do this? Yeah, no, I mean, you always hear me on my podcast. I tell people like, don't tell anything about the past. Exactly. It doesn't really do any good. I mean, unless later later on she was really open to it

and, you know, we had those and I felt comfortable that she was comfortable. hearing those things and yeah maybe you'd do it but a lot of times i personally think especially when you hear there's a lot of different stories where people have to admit to things that they cheat and stuff because people get caught and stuff but when you hear somebody that was doing something and then they feel so bad about it that they go and tell the person there's something about that that seems a little selfish to me a lot of times because it's like you feel terrible and you can't hold on to this anymore so like you dump it on to somebody else you know and i don't know

that I think, I'm sure there's situations where that kind of thing is good for a relationship and stuff, but there's a lot of times that that is just something that like is kind of selfish that the other person does and it doesn't help anything and it's kind of like sabotage, right? Yeah, I agree. So, yeah, there's no reason for that. For you, it would be, you know, sort of having to say, hey, this is something that I kind of have always been interested in and maybe easing your way into it, you know? Totally.

Absolutely. And then her, and playing with her, right? I mean, I think the thing about bringing in another person and all that, like, would be so down the line. Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. No question about it. But you could, like, you have to get past the whole bacteria thing. This is just stupid. No, I get resources, right? No, I know. I, here's what I run into it as, because, like, I know how to do it properly and, you know, and to make sure it's clean and all that stuff. but but me explaining that to her kind of gives away

what I've done and in effect like how do you know all that right that's the first question and I guess I could just say Google searched everything right this is what we're no but I mean like has she ever gone to try to do any like I guess because she's so not into it she would never she's never sort of explored that area on you herself no no not at all yeah nothing now it's kind of like I mean not every now and again like if I'm giving her oral you know I will play around down that and like she goes nuts right and really enjoys it but she does yeah yeah and like but she never said anything about it like she's very quiet about it like i can tell like she likes it but

it gets it gets to a point where it's a little uncomfortable and she kind of clams up right and we just kind of go back to what we're doing and i don't push it right but i've messed i played around there a little bit more just orally right and a little bit with my finger yeah kind of it that's been as far oh you got to push her because you know what it is she's listen you know because you've had it done to you, right? I know because I've had it done to me. I've always been a three input girl. And so we all know all the gay men out there and all the three input girls like how great it really is, right? And, and but you have to, everything has to align properly, right? Like you have to be super turned on like whatever and it has to be like whatever. But, you know, so, but if you are really

relaxed and into it and open to it, it's just like really like intense, right? And great. And the fact that she gets kind of turned on. And what's all that's stopping her is like whatever is in her head because obviously she gets turned on by it. And then the tensing up isn't because it doesn't feel good. It's because she gets like probably freaked out like because maybe it feels too good, right? But you could probably, I mean, listen, it's very normal for guys to be into wanting their women to do that, right?

Like every guy is always trying to push their women to do anal, right? I mean, isn't that it very common? Because every guy wants to do something to? Especially you've been married or for so long. I can't you kind of just like push that with her like you want that I mean yeah I could right and and I probably should but the truth is I want her to do it to me well that's not duh I'm just trying that's the first step you can't just go from like you here's how the conversation is played out in the past like yeah honey I'd like to try this and it's like look sweetie that's that's kind of a no

flies on like we'll do you first right she's thrown that out there and but we've I haven't never actually taken that offer and run with it, right? I've never said, all right, let's do me first, and then do I get to go with you, right? Let's try that. I've never really called her on it. And that may be a fun way to do it. Like, all right, no, I'm open because I certainly am. That would be the perfect way.

Because don't you think, and listen, because, like, listen, there's some people that call my place in my podcast and they're like very, it does weigh on them or they are in a place where they really feel like they need to open things up because they can't hold it back anymore. And I'm sure you've listened to some of those episodes and they have sort of said something. And there was a guy recently, I didn't get the update yet,

but it went really well with him explaining to his wife, you know, the stuff that he needed to explain. But, you know, I don't think that it really matters to you, right? But I think that you could go there with her And like, because I don't know, I tend to think that people that get caught are people that have some sort of confliction about what they're doing. Because a lot of times, you know what I'm saying? And it's like some part of them that like not wants to get caught, but like that doesn't, I don't know. And that is so for some reason they get caught because they're conflicted about it.

Whereas I think a lot of people that don't feel any kind of like wrongdoing for what they're doing, right, or feel bad at all. right and they just they could totally separate that and that's you know no one's right or wrong right it's like what however you feel about yourself right you're seeing totally okay with the fact that you do these things on the side that she doesn't know about it so you probably won't get caught i don't why do you laugh i mean i'm not totally okay with it i mean i do i do get like guilt about it right you do like yeah a little bit like the betrayal type of thing but you know then i just get horny again and it kind of goes away yeah now let me ask you this were you always doing that, like, from day one? Like, did it start after many years of being with her? Like,

when did that, when did you sort of seeing that these people on the side happen, start? Well, let me think about that. Yeah, I think it predated her for sure. Yeah. So it's been going on for a long time. But it's, when I say it's been going on, I mean, this is something that may happen once every four to six months, right? So this is not... Right, so now it's not like all the time kind of. Yeah, yeah. Do you do stuff to yourself sometimes when you just want it and maybe don't use someone

else? You're still using like, you know, cigar stuff, but like bigger or better things? Do you have better tools in the house? Yeah, for sure. She has, there's some toys, you know, and so, you know, if I get like the rare opportunity to be alone by myself, yeah, of course. I use that stuff. Yeah.

And it's great. It's fun, and I enjoy that. But it's certainly not the same as, you know, having a physical experience with another person. I mean, there's part of that that, you know, it's kind of the taboo. It's the enjoyment. It's the warmth. It's like, you know, all the stuff that comes along with it. I mean, masturbation's fun.

It's good. But it's certainly not the same, right? It's just, there's much more that goes into it when you have those experiences. And I enjoy it. That's fun. But I don't get to dress up. I mean, that part of my life is pretty much over because of just, you know, the certain circumstances, right? There's really no time. There's no, I wouldn't have a place to do it.

There's no place, right? You know, so that part of me is pretty much gone. I mean, I was at a point at one time where I would, you know, I'd shave my legs and I'd go get my nails done and, you know, I'd go see a pro dom and like, it looked great. I mean, I was, I thought I should take a picture, right? When was that? When you, before you're married? Yeah, before I was married. Like in my highest compliment with with this, with this dom, she said, I think, you know, if you went to a bar, you would get hit on. And I was pretty excited about that. It was like my shining moment. And that was like your time with BDS at me. So that you're not into that now, but you did have a time for that, right? How hardcore were you, like, as a submissive?

Like, you said you had a dog. Yeah, I mean, I wasn't, I'm from the bottom, I think. But the, it really wasn't about, like, the kind of traditional, you know, tying up and whipping. I mean, I enjoyed, like spanking, light spank, but I didn't really like having bruises and getting caned and all that. stuff. That really wasn't. The main part of it wasn't for me. I enjoyed the power exchange and I enjoyed like being submissive and I enjoyed being, you know, feminized. Those types of things I really, really liked. And I mean, there's such a menu of kinks that people are into and, you know, a good pro-dom or like I know, you know, how to play with the ones that you're really focused on.

And so what was, who was your don't? Was she a transgender person? Was she a regular female? No, no, no. They were like cisgender women, you know. What's cis mean? CIS. You put that in the you. What does that mean? Oh, that just means, um, but basically it means like that's the gender. You're, you're not trans or anything like that. So you're a woman, you're a woman. Okay. So they don't just say woman. Why do you have to say cis? I don't know, man. There's a lot of stuff in the internet. I know. I get confused because you did use that word in the email. I'm like, I don't know what that means. You could say woman, right? But you could be a trans woman. Right, right, right. Okay. If you identify as a woman, then you're not the same thing. So she was

female. Right, so she was cisgender female, which means she was just a real female, right? Yeah, exactly. And then you would go do your nails and stuff with her or by yourself? No, no, no. I would go, like, I would get, like, my toes done. But like in a color? Anonymous.

I would get in, like, a nude color on it, you know, but I'd get a pedicure, and that was fun. But you just go to, like, a chop shop where I get your nails done. Right. And I would get, like, a manicure, but with nothing on my nails, and then she would put on, like, press on nails. on my hands. So my feet and my toes would be nicely manicured, so they look good in shoes. And my feet, my hands, which would press on nails. And so I may have a full outfit. I'd get, you know, full makeup, wig, fake eyelashes. And I even at one point had purchased a corset and I'd left it with her so that I could wear that. And it was kind of a waist-sinching corset. Because I kind of problem with the guys, like you don't have the shape of a woman, right? So you can get a corset that,

that kind of shapes you out a little bit. And so you just look, you know, it would look better in it. And yeah, it was great. Walking high heels and the whole thing. It was super fun. Wait, I forget the timeline with a lot of the stuff.

Was this before after you were married? I forgetting it. Oh, this was before. You know, I've never really done that since I've been married because, I mean, a lot of it's just logistics, right? I mean, I can't,

I don't shave my legs now. It's going to raise. That's what I mean, right? Right. But even like when you get these escorts and stuff, like, how much is it cost? Like, I mean, do, is it, your wife see a lot of money going out or no, right?

Because you said you're only doing it like once every now and then, like once every year. Yeah. It's like two to $300, you know, for a question. That would be kind of consistent with what you would pay a pro dom to. Right. You know, and there's really high-end ones in various municipalities that are going to go for more than that, but it's not really necessary.

I mean, so. Right. Kind of two to 300 bucks and, you know, it's an hour. It's fine. So, yeah, I enjoy that. But again, it's pretty infrequent, right? And it's something like you scratch the it, and then, you know, it goes away for a while. You don't need to scratch it.

Maybe it comes back a while later. And so the dressing up thing, because you haven't been able to scratch that itch, right, for a long time. Did it just go away because you just were never able to do that and you don't really have that desire? Or is it still there every now and then? Oh, no. The desire is definitely there. I mean, I just, I think it's practically impossible. Right.

Yeah, certainly the desire is there. And, like, if I can get away. for a weekend or something and just go do that, that would be a ton of fun, but it's just, it's not practical. So, no, I don't do that. So I just felt, like, most males just kind of put it in a compartment and lock it away for a while, and maybe there will be a time of my life later when I can do that. But I don't have any really regrets around it because I enjoyed, you know, the time that I did

spend with it, and I enjoyed rolling around it. I have those memories to draw on. So it's not like I'm pining away for it necessarily. if the opportunity came up, I would certainly do it again. Now, so that cousin of yours, right? He's obviously your cousin now, right? And after that time, I mean, like, what happened with him as you guys got older? And, like, do you guys ever discuss it?

Like, do you guys look at each other funny? Is it something that you think he remembers? Like, what's the deal there? Well, I guarantee he remembers. I mean, no, he does. But it, to know what he says anything. There's no wink, wink, wink, not. He's married with a woman, too.

Yeah, exactly. And we don't see each other that often. So there's not a lot of, you know, interaction anymore with that side of my family for different reasons. So we don't, we don't see each of that often. So the opportunity doesn't really come up. But I have seen him since. And it's all very, very cordial, you know, and he's very macho. And there was no talk.

And, like, were you ever, like, are you attracted to him now that he's older? No. No? No. No. No. No. No, no, no.

Is it because you're not like, like you said, is it because it's not like a guy that does it for you? Well, no, I mean, like, here's the thing. Like, I physically, yeah, sex with the guy is fine and it's good. And I've actually, I've had interactions with men before. And most of the time it's like I get a massage, right? You get a, like a male masseuse and that kind of leads to something. And I've done that a couple of times. And that's been fine.

And I actually had one guy that I really liked a lot. he was a lot of fun and we had good sex. But let me ask you this. When you got that massage, was it like a real masseuse? And then he just turned that way on you? Or were you at like a happy ending place? No,

this was like, the real deal normal? Craigslist ad, right? Oh, so it was you knew that that was coming. Well, kind of, but I don't, I didn't really know.

On Craigslist? Oh, where was it under the, like where was the ad? It was like the services, right? Oh, okay. So you find a male masseuse. And they would say things.

things like, you know, you know, you got vicarious friendly or something like that. So you kind of know what's going on, but you don't know what it's going to lead to. You don't know, I don't know if this is simply a massage by a man and you're comfortable. Right. That probably adds to it, right? That's all right. But I'm not sure if it's going to lead a full-on sex.

But it did the first time. Yeah, it did. The first time? Yeah. And this guy was amazing. It was really great and it was a lot of funny. He gave a really good massage too, but we would have sex. And I think he moved away.

He did something else. else. And like when you find one that works and the good relationship and good chemistry, kind of stick with it. But we were only, I always saw him maybe three times, kind of max. Right. And it was fine. I enjoyed that, like physicality, but there's never been any, like, romantic inclinations. I've never, like, felt like, I got to hold hands with a guy or I want to have a boyfriend or something like that. Like, none of the guy. I think a lot of times guys are always, like, very sort of intent on making that clear, right? But I think it's just that's, that's, that

is clear, right? Because I think that there's a very big difference between being bisexual and being gay, right? One is like, you know, so I think it's obvious from all the stories that you had that, like, and because you're married to a woman. And it's not like you had relationships with guys. It's clear that you're just by, right?

But it could be a little bit even more complicated than that because, or I don't know, like, you know, because you aren't really attracted to guys, but you kind of are, like, you know what I mean? Like, it's not so bi. right like i don't know well let's let's let me do this way like i think if i was if i was 19 or 20 today yeah i might be able to have a boyfriend you know one year and a girlfriend another year i mean i could see myself playing in that space you know but that's interesting but a boyfriend

meaning like uh holding hand like relationship with a guy like that could happen okay so then why are you why are you keeping why have you made that point like i just want you to know like I've never had. No, no, no, because I don't have, it's because it's never, it's never been. But you would be open to it if you were younger. Right. Right. Right. Interesting. It's never how I felt before because it was not like, well, first of all, I'm a firm believer that, like, these desires are fluid over time. They change, right? Yeah. I don't, I don't think we're static individuals. I think we change over time. And so what I may have been interested in 10 years ago is going to be different what I'm interested in today and 20 years from now. I think so. I don't, I don't think

that's possible. But my point being that, you know, for this current generation, it's certainly more available, more open and more accepted. And like, like, it'd been, it'd been more acceptable to kind of roll around in that, in that as well. And I might have been more open to it, right? Yeah, right, because that thing with that guy, which would kind of allow me to it. Right, with your neighbor, if you guys were older and you were younger at the time, right? Like, maybe you could have, right? Because the people nowadays, that's the younger generation, right? I'm always like, I was born in the wrong generation, like, because there's so much cooler, right? And it's so much more open. And there's so many, there's so much more available to them as far as like relationships are concerned and sexuality is

concerned, right? And just trying out different things. And when we were growing up, there wasn't many things to try, right? You just had to do, you had to be straighter. You were gay and it was basically it, right? So I get it. Like, I think that that's like you're just like open, you know yourself, like you've been into tons of different things that like you would maybe have someone, you would just have a guy one year and then a girl. Right. Right. Right. You know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that seems very freeing, like, very fun. So, yeah, that's, I, but where I am in my life now and the situation in, it's really not that important to me. Like, I don't have a burning desire to have a boyfriend. Like, there's no real...

No, that's what I get about you. And I think, like, I've had people on that there is that burning desire, right? Because, like, one part of them, that part of them is, like, getting to be stronger, right? Like, I've had so many different, there's so many different scenarios. That's why, like, I could talk to so many people with the same sort of topic, but get a totally different story, right? Because each person is specific, right? And it has a specific story. And some people do feel really bad about what they're doing

and they feel like they need to be more open or it's time for that. And some people don't, you know what I mean? And I don't think that there's a right or wrong in any situation. I kind of feel out my guest, right? Like I could feel from you that I think like if it was okay, if it just stayed this way forever, that would be okay with you, right? It's not like I have to sit here and give you advice on how to like,

how we could get it to a point where you could sort of be open about it. I think if you could get to your point where you're being pegged at home, I think that would be a good thing for you. Why not? I totally agree. I think you can. I think you can. I think you got to push it.

I do. I do. I just. You know, right? I agree. Actually, that is a good takeaway. And it's something that I'll work on. Because, like, I mean, if I could get that at home, then it's like why go out, right?

Nothing else is more physically responsible. Yeah, and listen, and you know what? Because you're so open-minded, like, how do we know that five years after that you weren't like letting your freak flag fly fully? Like, I don't know where that would go with you. Do you know what I mean? Or where it would go with you and your wife? Like, who knows what would come from that?

But I think if you could get to that place, that would be great. Like I said, I don't know where that would go. Like, and there is the possibility that that would lead to other things I don't really know. But I think if you could get to even there and if that was it, that would be really great. And I really think you can because of what you explained about her that she looks at it. And then she or you have to get her to say to you like you have to do it for you. You know what I mean? You got to get that opportunity again and jump through that window and be like, okay.

You know what? Because I don't know. Like they're like some guys are into that and it doesn't, it's not a big, it doesn't mean anything. You know what I mean? And so I think you and if you pretend like, wow, that feels like. was really good. Like, you know what I mean? Like it's the first time and you're like, shocked. Shocked. I got to put on a little bit of an acting show, right? Yeah, you got to forget about the cigars. Make sure there's no cigars anywhere. Because it'd be like, oh my God. Oh, it turns out. I really like this. I did have two

girlfriends in previous life, you know, previously like before my current wife that did it. Yeah. And one of them was like really into it. It's like high school girlfriend. Yeah. And she, like I convinced her at an early age. I was like, well, player and I got her to do anal, right? And I was pretty smooth back then, and I, and I, she got into it. And then she tried it with me. And it's kind of the same thing. Like, I was like, yeah, let's do this. And she'll, we had fun. And then I had another girlfriend later who, um, who had a dildo and like, she just wanted to try it. And we did. And it was fun. But then, like, we broke up like two weeks later. So in my mind, like, maybe those things are connected, you know, somehow, I don't know. Yeah, because of that. But I think that, you know, because, listen, I've heard from many guys who

say, like, their wife do it, but they're not really into it. I have. had another guy on who said he got his wife to finally do it and then she actually became into it. Like she never thought that she would, I'll do it just for you. But over time, she actually, it was like something that she actually really enjoyed and then added, you know, you just never really know. I think maybe with your wife, because she's kind of into it for herself, but she doesn't, she holds back. Like maybe if she saw, once you got it open to maybe, if you sort of had the experience first, it may make her sort of want to try it for herself and it could open up a whole new thing for her too. You just don't know, you know. But I think that you could, you could explore that with her.

It's about time. It's not that big of a deal. I know. I agree. Can you just talk to her for me? No, you have to do it yourself. You just talk to me and you don't even know me. You know her longer. Isn't that what's so, like, bizarre about life, right? Like, it's so easy to be, I mean, it's just, it makes sense, but it's so easy to just be so completely honest about all your someone, and something you don't know. And then the people were the closest to, we have to sort of hide this part of yourself, that's where I think this younger generation gets it much better, right? Because they could just be fully who they are and be okay with it, right? Whereas that's what I always hope for, like, if I'm talking to you, right?

Like, that's why even though you seem totally fine with it, like I hope for you that you could bring a little bit more of yourself into that relationship, right? Because it's not that big of a deal what you would be sort of putting out on the table. I'm not talking about all the other stuff, like bringing somebody in and that you're track. You know what I mean? I'm just talking about the anal plague between the two of you. Yeah. Yeah. I think you could start there. Do you guys listen to Howard Stern? No. Okay. Because he has a guy on that always talks about his driver. He always talks about how he loves it. And he's like, you know, and he's married and him and his wife do it. And they talk about it all the time. It would be such a good starting. The driver loves it. Yeah. His driver. Yeah. Absolutely with his wife. Yeah. And he talks about all there. And they're always telling him he's gay and he's like, I'm not. And it's like a whole, it's a talking point that they discuss all. It's a talking point that they discuss all.

all the time on Howard. And so it would be, too bad. Like, if you guys listen to Howard, it would be such an easy way to sort of bring it up, you know,

because they talk about it all the time. But, you know, you guys don't. So that's not a... No, no, no, no.

Yeah. But, like, I mean, the one thing that, and I, that's interesting, I haven't really heard about this on your show

or when we talked about it, but, like, the male orgasm from having anal sex. Have you ever had any... Oh, the prostate thing? Yeah.

Yeah. That blew my mom. Because I had, I think I heard about it once. You mentioned it before and I was going to say again, like, what is that again? Because it was like, I don't. It is so real. And it's like the most intense thing ever. And that's part of the reason I enjoy, you know, bottoming is because I was able to experience, you know, an orgasm, like fully hands-free, like, not touching myself.

And do you have any kind of tips to people out there of how to do it? Like, is there a move or something? Like, how do you? How does that happen? Well, a lot of it, I think, is kind of mental, right? It's like getting entainal in the first time. But I think there's some physical components and there's some mental components. So, like, number one, you've got to be ready for it, right?

Yeah. Like, you would with any other type of anal situation. And then the physical pieces, you have to have kind of the right partner with the right fit. And for me, it was kind of the right tempo. Like, tempo really mattered. Really? Someone just kind of jamming it in there and, like, hard and fast. Isn't good.

Now, I needed something kind of slow and actually hitting the prostrate kind of on a repeated tempo. Mm-hmm. And, yeah, twice it happened, and it was just mind-blowing, yeah. So that's, I mean, that's kind of the dragon I would like to chase. And maybe you could do, yeah, maybe like with your wife because she's around full-time and you're not paying her, right? You could take your time to try just figuring that out, right, with her because. But a lot of that's very, very mental, very, very mental. I mean, you have to be kind of, well, for me and you have to be kind of the right frame of mind.

You know, I think you mentioned earlier, you know, being really excited and like really not. Yeah. And that part, that's a big, big component of it as well. But yeah, who wouldn't want to do that all the time if you know how to do that? It's like you only had it twice, right? You're just like, why can I have that like every single time, right? I can imagine. Yeah, I got myself to do it using.

just a dildo before, you know, so I was able to do it on my own. And then subsequently, you know, with a partner. And, yeah, it's pretty amazing. So I'm not sure if people really know that that's real or not, but it absolutely is. And if you can get to that point. So tempo helps. Yeah.

Yeah. Tempo. Yeah. Well, for me, I mean, I guess everybody's going to be different. I'm just saying for me, that's what kind of worked is the right, like, tempo, easy, smooth, nothing too jarring and inconsistent, right? You can't have someone that's going to

just kind of in and out type of a thing. Right. That won't work. It's got to last for a while, so that's helpful. But yeah, I mean, that's another when I kind of the pleasure points of the whole thing, and I'd love to be able to get there with my spouse. It would be a lot of fun. I think you can,

you got to push it either with her getting into it or take the opportunity for you to try it, and then, like I said, don't act too into it right about but act like surprise that you like it and then take it far and don't start with the thing in your you know start with something light right right right all good advice I appreciate it yeah I mean you didn't need advice it's just a good story it's like interesting like listen for you like you say you found my podcast and it was like great for you to hear about other people being straight up about their stuff because it made you feel less whatever what's the

word that people would use weird or abnormal you know and it normalizes these things and I think you're going to be doing the same thing for other people. So, you know. Well, yeah, that really was to go. I mean, it's a little bit cathartic, right? Just seeing it out loud. It's kind of, it's fun. It's a little, it's hot.

And wait till you hear it back. Oh, God. You'll get even more out of it. I always tell people this. And this is for people that want to call into my show. Like, it's like you say it and you do it. You have the conversation. It's cathartic.

But when you hear yourself talking about stuff as a third person, it's you get even more out of it. You'll see. It's interesting. All right. All right. Look forward to it. Yeah.

So thanks so much for calling in. Thank you, Kathy. Take care. All right, bye. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book.

It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my share. show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like, there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them.

They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun

place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you.

Send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.