Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 238 - Transgender Guy is Having Issues with his Lesbian Girlfriend

Episode Date: July 2, 2018

Guy, who is a transgender guy, calls in because he's having issues with his lesbian girlfriend of three years. She's not super affectionate and they rarely have sex and Guy is wondering what he can do to change that. Tune in to hear why she never wants to have sex, how to get her more interested in sex as well as what's his issues when it comes to sex. Also, you'll hear how he transitioned at such a young age and how his parents and random other people responded to him. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. Craigslist is definitely the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it. The temptation is just too much.

Real problem. Does your friend know that you're banging her? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your Greek flag lie. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hide your whips and change. Here are your hosts. Kathy Kay and Tommy.

Hey, welcome to strictly anonymous podcast for Kathy. If you want to be on the show, I'm always looking for colors to be on the show. You can send me an email at Stricklandonymous podcast at gmail.com. I mean, I get a lot of people that want to be on the show and then they like sort of think like, oh, they're not really interesting enough because they have a regular problem or they just think that they're boring. And I have to say, I think most people, if you talk to them for long enough, are pretty fucking interesting.

That's why I love reality TV. People think it's scripted and shit. I'm like, I don't think so. I think real life is really crazy and ridiculous and people are over the top and insane. And that's why reality TV works if you ask me. And that's what my show is all about talking to like regular people about their regular problems, which happened to be really interesting problems. I get a lot of people from Craigslist. So it's a lot of sexual problems. But like I said previously, even if you just have like a regular problem or maybe I didn't say that previously. But even if you have a regular problem, I'm interested in talking to you and giving you advice because I just like,

helping people. So you could be on my show, even with a regular problem. It doesn't have to be sort of a salacious sexual problem. And the way to get on my show is just send me an email at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. If you want to find me on Facebook and send me a message that way, the way the caller who's on today did, that would be cool too. But I just don't check my Facebook page often enough.

And I didn't get back to me. I wrote me like a month earlier. You could send me an email on there. of Facebook is strictly anonymous podcast. And you can follow the show on Twitter at Strictly or at Strict Anonymous is the podcast's Twitter. And my personal Twitter is at Cartoon Therapy. Today I have on a guy named guy.

That's what we're calling him. And he's a transgender man. I've had transgender people on before, but they've always been females. This is a transgender guy named guy who was born a woman who transitioned. He transitioned very early. and he's a full-fledged dude, except he kept his vagina. But he had surgery on his top, and we talk all about that. He's in a relationship with a girl who is a lesbian, and they've been dating for about three years,

and he's having relationship problems. That's why he emailed me, just because his girlfriend's not super affectionate, and she's really not into sex. And that's an issue for a guy, and we talk about that. But we also, of course, get into his whole transition, how it happened when he figured out that he wasn't really a woman and he wanted to be a guy and all that stuff because that's like of course fascinating. But we also like I said discuss his regular relationship issues with his girl, why she doesn't

like sacks, you know how that affects him and what he could do to make that better. So I'll be, I'm just going to write right to the podcast and I'll be right back on with Guy. Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, Strictly Anonymous wants to hear from you. Send us an email Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous.

Strictly anonymous. Hey, guy, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast for all with Kathy. How are you? I'm doing well. Are you? I'm doing good. I just reread, you had sent me an email on Facebook. Now, I'm not sure, were you a fan of the show,

or were you, like, Googling stuff about transgender and you found my podcast, because you're, we're going to just, there's a lot of stuff in your, you emailed me on Facebook, and there's a lot of stuff in your email on Facebook that I want to go over, but let's just, first off, talk about the fact that you're a transgender male. I've had transgender females on before,

but you're a transgender guy. Now, how did you find my, um, podcast? Were you Googling, like, I said, transgender stuff and you found one of those, or were you a fan of the show? How did you find me and email me? So I like listening to LGBT-related podcasts, and yours came up as one that was just connected to the same kind of subject. So I thought I'd give a shot and listen to it. And I really, I really like the fact that you gave advice to people anonymously, because it's It's hard to ask questions and get honest answers and not sacrifice your question for the fact that you're worried about other people hearing it.

Totally. I agree. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, yeah, I'm a trans guy. I'm 22, and I'm definitely passing. I have facial hair. You know, nobody would know on the street. I transitioned in high school when I was younger. and I had top surgery, so I have a male chest, but I didn't get and I don't want bottom surgery. Right. You like your badge. That's what you said. You like it the way that it is. And you're dating someone who happens to be a lesbian, so she likes that too, right?

Yeah, yeah. So that's kind of a unique part of our relationship. She identifies as a lesbian, and I love that part about her because that's who she is. and in bed, that's what we are. Like, we both have vaginas. That's how we're having sex. That's what I like. But where things get complicated is, in the past, I had, I was in a really abusive

relationship, and it was in high school when I was coming out, and my partner then first identified as lesbian, and then when I came out, when I started coming out and started when I, like, take this off. grown and stuff. She would guilt me into not doing it saying, like, I don't want to date a guy, and you're not going to be a real guy and all of these things. So she bullied me for a really long time. So it definitely did a number on my confidence because at one point she broke up with me to go sleep with a quote-unquote real guy to figure out her identity, you know. So with my partner now, we've been dating for three years. It's a really healthy relationship. We're really happy.

Um, but, uh, the first thing is she had only been out as a lesbian, um, for a little while before I started dating her. Um, and she, she's 26, so there's a little bit of an age difference, but I definitely have the experience. Um, so for her, she wonders at times, you know, what it would be like to be with a, uh, a whole, like, biological woman who looked like girl. because if she wants spooves, you know, she missed out by a couple years on me. And I totally understand that. But we both have different levels of libido, right? Like, I'm ready. If she comes in the door, my clothes are like in a smoldering pile on the floor the second she came through.

Is that, do you think that's because you're on testosterone or no? I've always been that way. I mean, I think she's just the hottest thing on earth. So if she even gives me a look, you know, like my pants are down and I'm ready to go. Right. But she, on the other hand, just has like a lower sex drive. And that's been fine. But as of late, you know, I would prefer a sex life where we're having sex, you know, at least two times a week because that's how I show affection.

You know, like I want to be able to please my partner and I like that. Yeah, that's a part of intimacy. You know, that's a part of a relationship for sure. yeah and um but she however would be totally content with like once a month and oh my god not because she's not attracted to me but that's just where she's at and she's had her hormone levels check you know um and everything's fine that's just kind of who she is but i'm 22 and i'm i'm i've been hitting this this point where um no matter what i'm not going to leave her because we have a really good life together and I love her very much and we're both about it to each other. But it makes her

feel bad when I hit on her all the time and she turns me down and she knows that it hurts me because I'm being turned down by the person that, you know, like I want to please. But she can't help it if that's, if she doesn't want to do anything. So we've kind of had this like frustration cycle where I want to do it and she doesn't and she feels bad about it and I feel bad because he doesn't and then I start thinking like well maybe she wants to be with a girl and yeah and you gave her you told you said in your email um you said that she you gave her permission to be with a woman recently because you know you felt like maybe she was missing out and you said okay go do that and she was like oh forget it I'm over it right yeah yeah I worked on it for um so I brought it up at one point because

um I realized that if she was going to be with me she would never know what it was like view with a biological woman, which, you know, is whatever. But I wanted her to make a conscious choice and know that she was making that choice, but she would be giving that up if she wanted to be with me. Because I didn't want, you know, like 10 or 20 years down the line for her to suddenly have this midlife crisis and realize that that was something she had to have in our life. Totally. So we kind of ended the conversation with me telling her, like, I can't say anything about it now.

but maybe in 10 years, I will come to the point in my life where we can start talking about a way where we both consent and both know what's going on where you can have that experience. And that kind of got her through it, even though we didn't have any plans. That may be 10 years from now you'd give her a pass. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So I worked really hard on it for three months because the way I thought about it was

when I was dating my my past partner, the abusive one, she, for a long time, I knew that I needed to start taking testosterone just to make life worth living. It was at a point where if I didn't transition, my life had no quality to it. And she said that if she would leave me if I started taking it. And she was my lifeline, right, because I was going through everything else. So I gave it up. And I know how torturous that was and how. how wrong it is. Right.

I see what you're saying. So you give that up. Right. So you didn't want to do to her what that other girl made you do to you. Yeah. Right? I got it. You were very empathetic.

It was like you were projecting really. But by the time you told her, hey, you could go do it. She's like, I have no desire. She wasn't even into it anyway. Yeah. She doesn't even have a sex drive. Like she barely wants to have sex with you once a month. So what does she really want to run around?

You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't worry about that. You do say, let me ask you, I have a thousand. questions for you, but let me just ask you one quick thing in the email too. Because you said she's not a very affectionate person. When you said that, do you mean outwardly affectionate, do you mean she's not affectionate as well? Or were you just saying affectionate meaning she's not sexual?

Like, is she also on top of not being into sex that much? Is she also not affectionate, like as in like holding hands and kissing and being touchy-feely? Yeah, yeah. So she'll show her, like, if I will be the one sitting on. the couch and I'll just look at her and be like, God, you're so hot and she'll be like in sweatpants or something and I mean it. And her way that she shows affection, instead of flirting or anything, is like she'll have dinner ready when I come home. So she definitely does things, but she won't come out and flirt with me or she won't say that I look good in something.

And I've asked her and she'll she'll be like, I think you, I thought you looked really hot on that day, but she just doesn't say it. Right, but is she, let me ask you this. Does she hold your hand? Does she, like, is she cuddly? Does she like to, is she affectionate in that way? Physically? Kind of, not really.

Not as affectionate as I am. If I want to hold hands, she will. But I'm usually the ones. She might be a little closed off because, listen. Yeah. And this is just, we'll touch more on this later because I have a million questions about your whole transgender transition and all that stuff too. But she might be like, I think 20, I'm okay, I'm a 46-year-old woman.

So I've been around the block and my hormones have been changed, right, since I'm younger to when I'm older. So I know and sexually, you feel that in a way. You know what I mean? I feel like I'm in pari menopause. So I feel a little bit different sexually. And I always had a super intense sex drive. And I was pretty open that way. I will say that at 26 years old to just want to be having sex once a month, I don't think is really normal.

I think there are a lot of women, though, that probably could relate to that. But I think a lot of women are a little bit shut down in certain parts of themselves. Do you know what I mean? Sexually. Yeah. And sometimes even emotionally, you know, and I get the sense that maybe your girl, like, her issue isn't like she needs another girl or it's you. She may have her own sort of problem of being just maybe a little detached or closed off

or like I always say, oh, that person's got like a plug missing. You know, they're unplugged. You know, she might just need to plug in in a couple areas in her life so that she could be more. And I think that if she was more affectionate and she plugged into that thing, it would bring out everything. It would bring out her sexuality. It would bring out her, you know, complimenting you. I think she's a little detached. She might have a little bit of a wall up.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's totally her. And we both came, we actually moved out to the West Coast from the Midwest. So I've always been, part of the, I think it's because I transitioned in a town where there weren't really many other trans people. It was kind of a first for a lot of people. So I got, that's the story I really want to hear about, too.

But anyway, go on. But so I'm always really open. So with her, like, if I want her to fuck me with a strap on, I will say it to her face. I will be like, hey, go grab that. And she is not the kind of person to do that. And I think a lot of it is she's very like that traditional, conservative, not politically, but like she feels embarrassed to ask for what she wants. And I've tried to get things out of her and she has opened up more to me. But I'm always frustrated because I can never tell whether she's thinking nice things about me and it's just too scared to say them or whether she's just not thinking them because if I think something, I say it.

So right, but that's like the beauty of relationships because opposites attract and I think that they attract for a reason and I'm so glad you started up the conversation with her about saying like listen I'm not leaving her. I really love her like because the stuff that you're talking about is stuff that like this is the reason why people get in relationships so that they can help each other grow and change. I really believe that. It's not about like oh getting in a relationship finding out that somebody has issues and then leaving them to go look for someone perfect because there are no fucking perfect people. Yeah. people, right? I really believe people come into our lives so we could learn from them, right? And it's probably like really perfect that you guys sort of paired up because you're like the polar opposite of her, right? You're somebody who transitioned in a place where nobody was. You're 22 years old. You've done stuff that people couldn't do until they're 50. You know what I mean? Or I have people calling my podcast that are five times your agents haven't been able to have the balls to do it. You know, so you're pretty hardcore in that way in the ways that she's not, you know? and that's what you guys are going to bring to the table for each other, right?

And I think that that's, you know, 10 years down the line, she will probably be more open and more affection and more sexual because she will have, because of being with you, be, oh shit, hold on one second. Yeah. Hold on. Okay. Because she's have, you know, has been in a relationship with you. That's what relationships are about, I feel like.

So you guys are well suited in that way, but it just takes work, you know, and it will take work to open her up. Like that's, but it is her issue. It's an issue she has. And it's something that, you know, because you're so opposite that you could help her with it, with it, you know, but I can see why it's frustrating to you. Mm-hmm. It's hard, though, when stuff like that, when it's somebody else's sort of thing, you know, it would be, you know, she'd have to acknowledge it. Does she have, like, does she know she's kind of closed off?

Like, or does she just think she's the way that she is is normal and it's fine and she just doesn't want to have sex? and that's just the way that it is? We've talked about it a lot. So there's a lot of communication, and she definitely knows that she's not very good at showing her affection. So she definitely makes efforts, but it kind of goes through these cycles where I'll, it builds up and I try not to say anything because I'm trying not.

If I'm constantly nagging her, you know, that just makes her feel bad about it. Totally. And she doesn't want to be affectionate. So eventually I kind of have a little, connipion fit and I'll um I don't yell at her but I I start tearing up because like I've had her feelings and I explained it to her and she feels bad and then she'll be amazing for like a week and I can really tell she's making an effort and then it kind of peters off um and then I'll try to give her time

you know to um so I'm not constantly on her about it of course I'll give it another week and then I bring it up again and then um she'll be angry because she's like you didn't give me enough time and then I'm angry because I'm like, you just forgot about it. And she'll admit that she just forgot to keep being affectionate. And he's done that for like six months. Right. But listen, it's hard for people to really change. But people can change.

I believe that. I think some people say like, oh, and people don't change. But people can change. I've changed plenty in my life. It's really hard though, right? And a lot of people don't because they just don't want to go through what you have to go through to change. And it is hard work. And so, you know, it's not a very.

doesn't happen like in the movies like one day your girlfriend is just going to like be affectionate and it's just going to stick forever it's going to be like what's what you say is happening. I think the good news is that she tries and you notice it and then it stops for a little bit because you know it's not just going to happen overnight, you know, but the fact that she's trying means a lot and there's got to be a given and take on both of your sides. It's not that you have to like in situations like this it's like weird because it's like she has to sort of take your. feelings into consideration, but you have to also take her feelings into consideration. But both of your guys' feelings are valid, right? Like, your feelings get hurt when she doesn't sort of tend to

your needs, your emotional needs, right? But yet she can't be pushed farther than she's ready to go either, right? So where's that compromise? And that's where you guys have to sort of be. And I, like I said, the good news is she does make an effort. And that's maybe just all she could do right now. And it would probably take a couple of years of that kind of pushing an effort on your part and her part before it would become a more consistent thing. But I'm sure over time, you will see that she'll probably be able to do it for longer. But it will, it's not like she forgets. It's just that she goes back to being, you know, more of who she is. You know what I mean? It's going to take time. It's like a bad habit. You know, she's so used to not being that way. You can't

expect her to just switch. But it's also like at the same time, you can't expect you to not give a shit either. You know what I mean? That's what's difficult. Yeah. Yeah. And part of me, I worry that or I wonder, like, am I setting her up for failure? Is it fair for me to keep looking for something from her? Because it's hard to tell it. Maybe she's just not a super affectionate person and she'll never be because that's just who she are or who she is. And, you know, and I love her being who she is. I mean, that's why I'm in love with her. What's her history?

What's her history, like, with her parents? Her parents divorced when she was 14. She has one sibling out of a family of, like, six adopted kids. She was the one functional one out of everybody. Was she adopted? Yeah. Uh-huh, right? And her parents were amazing.

Were they affectionate? the family or her parents' affection? They were not physically affectionate. She kind of got put to the side because she was the golden child and the other children like spent a lot of time in group homes. So a lot of the focus was away from her. So loving home, but there wasn't a lot of touching or anything like that. Right.

So it's uncomfortable for her. So it's probably not like not who she is. I think everybody has that need as human beings to be like touched. and have affection, like, it's, I think it's like babies die if they don't get that sort of a thing when they're, like, really little. Everyone has that in them. But some people, if it's just not given to them, they disconnect. And like I said, the plug becomes unplugged.

And then they just, you know, but I don't believe that. I believe that people can plug back in. I believe that she can find that connection back to those parts of herself. But it would take a lot of time because, you know, it took a lot of time for her to sort of lose that connection. You know what I mean? Because her whole life was spent in a family. where there was a probably a very big disconnect.

You know, there was a lot of kids. They were like fostering all of that. You know what I mean? And like you said, she was sort of off to the side. So you can't expect her to go there and all of a sudden turn around and change up. But I do believe it can be worked on. Like for real.

Yeah. You want to stay with this girl and you really love her, but you need more from her. I think that you should have more of a sex life after three years, just once a month. I mean, you're not going to be able to sustain that for the next 20 years. and that's only going to get worse.

You have to change that to get better. You guys are so young, okay? Like now is the time to be having fucking fun, right? So, you know. Yeah, yeah. She's going to go into menopause one day and not even want to get late. So she should be having a lot more sex now at 26. She's actually jipping herself.

Like I wish I was talking to her because it really, for her own benefit, just to be like more of a full, like a 100% person, she should want to connect more to herself because she's missing out. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Sex and all the things that she sort of like keeps the distance for is like the good things in life, right?

And she is only sort of half available for them. So I don't think it's wrong for you to kind of push her to sort of be more than she is. I believe she probably has that. I believe all people do. I just think that, you know, issues and stuff put upon us when we're little. sort of changes those things, but I think full human beings have the potential to love sex and be

affectionate and be loved and all that stuff. And, you know, she should have that more in her life, you know? Yeah. You just have to also, like at the same, I mean, I'm a big believer in therapy. Okay. So, you know, you probably both meet therapists separately, you know, because her thing is, what she needs to work on, it's not a problem with you. It would be a problem she'd have with anybody. It's a problem she has for herself. So she just needs to talk to somebody about that. And then for you to be chasing after her and stuff like, and you know, you said something in your, in your email too about like, oh, how could I feel like sort of attractive as a trans man if nobody ever really gets that I'm trans to begin with? So I don't know if you have like a little bit

of a thing where maybe your issue is you have like low self-esteem, right? So you know. Totally. Right. So of course you're going to attract yourself someone that's not going to give you something. So you're kind of always chasing after that, right? So that's your thing. And that's why you're chasing after her. And, you know, that's the story that you play.

And so that's why you probably need a therapist too to maybe work on that stuff. And I don't mean it like, oh, because you're so fucked up. I think everybody needs a therapist. Every single person. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just like. No, totally.

Because how can we be normal as human beings? We're just all fucked up by our parents. But, you know, so I think. think that you have to work on that so that, you know, when she doesn't, when she's just being herself and herself who's not fully whole yet and not perfect, she's 26 years old, she's not supposed to be, that you're not so, you don't take it so personally. Do you know what I mean? And maybe it doesn't bother you as much. And that's something that you need to work on yourself because that's your own, your self-esteem is not going to be made better by her. You know what I mean? Your

self-esteem comes from yourself, right? So nothing that she does is going to change that feeling that you have that maybe you're not so great or whatever it is where you know you because first of all let me tell you I most people are anonymous on my show you emailed me on Facebook so your Facebook profile was right there so I looked through your pictures and by the way like you're you do look like a dude okay but you also I could see you like you're and you're very attractive as a guy you kind of look like Justin Timberlake did anyone ever tell you that? Yeah, yeah, a couple. But I could also see you being really pretty as a woman, too. You have that kind of, you have those features, right? Like you have a, like, so you're very

attractive. And I'm assuming you were attractive as a female. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've never had a problem. No, I could see it in your face. Making connections with people, yeah. Yeah, and you look like, you look very much like a guy. So I get that people don't know that you're, trans but isn't that always the goal for a transgender person? Isn't that like what most transgender people want is for people not to know and to just to believe them that they're men because that's how you feel you are or is it that you want people to know that you're transgender and know that you look really good as transgender? I don't understand.

So, so the way it's kind of hard to describe. So since that we moved out to the West Coast, right, people are a lot more open with their sexuality. So out here, I get hit on by a lot of gay guys, which is definitely a compliment to me. And, you know, attention is great, but it's really frustrating because I, to me, I know that they're hitting on me, but they're hitting on the idea of me. Their attraction to me, in my mind, is based off of a false idea because they're picturing me, you know, with a dick, I assume, because they're viewing me as another biological guy. And so what I'm lacking is I wish that I could get hit on by somebody and somehow, you know, I mean, if they see me, there's no way they're going to know that I'm trans unless I wear a sign. Right.

But in the same way that if somebody's curvy, they want somebody to hit on them for the fact, like, knowing that they're curvy and loving all of them. And you don't want it to be a fetish. I don't want somebody to only be attracted to me because I'm trans. but my vagina is a part of me and I want to know that somebody sees me as a male that I am but also sees all of me and thinks that I'm hot because I'm kind of in this this invisible space it feels like because if I go to lesbian event because I'm attracted to lesbians and because that's how I am in bed I'm perceived as a straight guy who's just creepy or if they know that I'm trans They're not attracted to me because they're lesbian because they want a woman. But you are, you know, yeah, you have yourself in a very weird place because you've been,

you were saying the word biological in the beginning, like, oh, she wants a biological woman. So you don't think you're a biological woman. But now you're saying you're not a biological man. What do you think you are biologically? Yeah. Sorry. Okay. So, so I get messed up a little bit because I don't like saying like a real guy or a real girl.

So, so she wants to. experience with a woman who has tits. I mean, that's what you're missing, tits right now at this point, right? But you're also as a man, you don't have the wean. Like, you don't have a cock. Like, that's what you're missing. So, but what do you consider yourself? I don't even know. So, like, socially, I consider myself a guy. Right. And emotionally, I'm a guy. But I don't, I don't think of myself as a straight guy because to me that implies that in bed they're the dick and i don't want one and that's not how i am in bed so the closest i've been able to come is to describe myself in bed i i don't even know the closest thing as a lesbian because you neither two vaginas in bed right but then you know i run into

the problem of i don't look like a girl and i don't want to look like a girl but i'm proud of my vagina right but you don't so you don't want to look like a girl but you don't want to look like a guy Because you don't want, you don't want to lose a vagina or you don't want the dick. That's where I don't want a dick. You don't. I don't. Right.

You like the vagina. Your vagina. I mean, you like the girl's vagina too, but you like your own. Oh yeah. Okay. And now when you're in bed,

do you take the role of, oh, I want to fuck my girlfriend and you want to like to strap it on and you want to be the man in that sense? Or do you take the woman role in the bedroom as well? Like, do you switch on and off in there as well? well too sort of like sexually?

When I was in high school, like when I transitioned when I was a not a freshman, sophomore, right? Then when I was transitioning, it was definitely important to me that I was always the guy in the relationship. Now that I'm older and I've gotten over that like complex, we're definitely versatile. Right. But I probably lean more towards being the bottom. My girlfriend, you saw that.

picture of her. But for other people, she is a, kind of like a tattooed chapstick lesbian. And I love that assertive side of her. That totally gets me off. I love strong, independent woman. And like when I said, when she gets home and I'm, like, ready to have sex, like my clothes are on a pile on the floor. I would love the idea of her to just come home and just take me right then and there. And that's when we run into a problem because she is, is like totally not ready for that kind of thing. Like she has to, she likes to plan and understand what's coming.

And as soon as she opens the door, I am just like, fuck me over the counter. And she never wants the variety of something different like that. I mean, it's always, she always has to be like sort of planned and stuff. Um,

well, I've definitely, like from when we first started dating, um, she was a virgin. She had never had sex. Um, wait,

she was 23 and she had never had sex with like, has she ever had sex with a guy, like, just never said sex with anybody. She was always a lesbian? Never sex with anybody. She didn't come out to herself for a long time, and she had only come out publicly and to herself,

like a year before we met, and in that time, she had flirted with some people, but had never, she just never, like, got into a relationship, so she had never had sex with anybody. Right, so right there, right. So everything I said in the beginning is, right. She was, she's a little late bloomer. I know people like this.

People that are a little closed off and sort of detached or maybe, you know, distant kind of people, they tend to be that way sexually too and maybe take a lot longer to sort of get moving with losing the Virginia. Yeah. I know it's terrible. Like, what do I want people to lose their Virginia 14? But I just think 23 is really old. Especially nowadays. I think people are much more promiscuous nowadays than when I grew up. But can we just go back?

I go all over the place in this podcast. But I want to know about you. Like, you're in high school as a sophomore. I want to know about your family. Do they know, like, how does this whole coming out and transitioning happen for you? Like, I mean, to do it in the middle of sophomore high school, like, what was the deal? Like, how did that go down? So, kind of from the beginning.

My parents are both scientists, right? So our household is not a very emotional one, not a very physically affectionate one. It wasn't avoid of love. Oh. That's why you're with your girlfriend. You did marry your mommy and daddy. That's what we all do. But they're very loving, but they,

it was easy for them to take emotions out of a conversation. Yeah, duh. It was just like your girlfriend. Sorry. Okay, go on. So when I was a freshman in high school, right when I started high school, I was on YouTube I think I was looking

up like videos of lesbians of course and I came across a video of a it said FTM and I didn't know what that was so I clicked it and it was a trans guy and he was

did his transition video so it was updates about being on testosterone and things like that and I had never heard of the word transgender I had no idea what it was my parents never said anything against or for gay people.

My family's very Catholic. I'm like church every Sunday. You go into church, saint's day, holy days, half the masses are in Latin, all that shabang. Right. So I didn't say anything for a year. I knew I was gay at that point. I hadn't really told them,

but I knew I liked girls probably as of like sixth grade. Had you experimented at all? Or done anything with anyone? No. No, uh-uh. Okay. So sophomore year you're Googling or you're looking up some like stuff and you find this guy's, this transgender, a female who was transition to be a guy, right?

Yeah, yeah. So that was at the start of freshman year. And then I didn't say anything for a year. But when you saw that video, right, did it resonate with you that you were like, wow, like you didn't even know that was an option and then you start to think like that might be what I'm looking for? Yeah, yeah, everything fit in the place. I never knew that being trans was an option.

I mean, I didn't know what it was. I'd never thought that that was possible. So I had always felt really awkward. Like one example was going shopping for bras, right? Yeah, I was going to ask you because you got rid of your boobs. Right. How did you feel about them? I felt like a pervert.

I felt like a child molester going to a park. Like it just felt like I shouldn't be there. And it felt like somebody was going to look at it. me and chase me out and I didn't understand those feelings because I had no words to put to them. And when I looked in the mirror, I thought I was crazy. I thought I was clinically crazy and just nobody had caught on yet because I would look at my body. But I had absolutely no connection to the fact that that was me. I viewed my mind as me and then my body as its own unit that I had to take care of and it wasn't pleasant, but that's just part of being a person.

And what did you hate about your body? you hated your tits, like you couldn't relate to them or something? Yeah, they were just like these alien things. I didn't lay, I think hate is the wrong word. They just were uncomfortable. Right. It didn't feel right. Right.

Yeah, it's kind of like a good descriptor of it for girls because this is one thing, you know, like I can totally get it. Like if you're on your period and you just feel like bloated and you just feel like you don't look good. Right. I mean, it's just like this general feeling of feeling gross, and you feel like everybody can see, like, how gross you feel. In reality, nobody knows what's going on. Right.

And you felt like that all the time. I felt like that all the time. And so when I saw this video, suddenly, just instantly, I knew that's what it was. Right. And so then I look at, like, I didn't even know what trans was, nonetheless that you could do these things to, like, take the testosterone in transition. So I didn't say anything for a year because if there was nothing I could do to transition, then there was no reason to bring it up. Of course, right. So I figured out like all the legalities of it.

Is it possible? How old you had to be, what you had to do. And it's a long complicated process, not just for the individual, but it's really hard to get a hold of a therapist who knows how to deal with transgender people. and then to find a doctor who not only will accept the reference of the therapist that you're not crazy, but also then knows and is knowledgeable and has a background in treating transgender patients. Right. In the middle of the Midwest. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. So there were all these hoops to jump through. But you started in that time all by yourself, like without telling anybody, like looking into this, finding the therapist, finding the doctor. You did all of this stuff on the download by yourself without like sort of telling anybody? I started calling around and figuring out what I would have to have because if I had it my way, my parents would never have had to know because I was just super scared that, you know, that being that they're a Catholic family that I would be rejected, you know, in the Midwest. You just assumed these things.

And I was a high school kid, you know, I was terrified because you had a ton of friends. Right. And do you had a lot of friends? And like, did you feel like you were living like this secret life? Because like all your friends sort of knew you as a girl, yet you were having this total inner conflict that, you know, you're like sort of thinking you're not going to be, you want to transition out of that, right? But nobody knew. I mean, like that must be a crazy secret to sort of keep for that long. Oh, yeah.

You know, once you knew, that's what you wanted to do. Yeah. Before I knew I was gay. And my parents never said anything for or against gay people. didn't even know they existed because they literally treated everybody equally. Right. So it never came up. I thought I was going to die alone because I wasn't attracted to guys.

And I just accepted that. I was just like, oh, okay, you know, that's, I'm going to be like the aunt that, you know, like never married. Yeah. And then I found out that being gay would be a thing. And I'm like, oh, that's why I've always wanted to be best friends with a certain girl in class. Right. Except I wanted to be more than best friends. I just didn't know what I wanted.

Right. But, but, but yeah, so for a year I didn't tell anybody. And then I tried to, I told one of my, and I told my best friend, and he was, he was a flamingly gay man who was felt like a linebacker. And, and we told each other everything. And he was super cool about it, totally understanding. But, but he, I mean, we both didn't know what to do after that. And at one point, so then I tried to open up to the abusive girlfriend.

And we had been dating probably for like a year. So that was your first girl on girl experience. That was my first girl, yeah. And we started dating before I transitioned. So we dated for about a year with me being a girl, her being a girl, and I was this out and proud baby butch lesbian, like picture Mohawk. But in high school and people and you were open in high school. I mean, you were out of the closet in high school.

Yep. Okay, cool. So but all that time for a while, you were thinking about transitioning without telling your girlfriend and then eventually you did tell her and that's when she was like oh fuck that that i'm going to leave you if you start taking testosterone right yeah yeah so so we ended up dating for a total three years the first year we were as lesbian um and i was out and proud um then i told her like you know i think i'm trans and she initially completely recoiled from that she gave me the like i'm a lesbian i like girls of you transition we're not going to be together right so i would

kind of go through these periods of not saying anything than saying something to not saying something. So eventually gets to the point of sophomore year, I decide to buy a binder, which for anybody who doesn't know, a binder is something that looks kind of like a white feeder tank top, and it's a slick elastic mesh. So you pull it on like a tank top, but it basically crushes your boobs flat. Oh, oh really? Sports bra. They're really painful to wear.

They're bad to wear because it's squeezing your lung. But you do it. I got it because if it got to the point where if I wasn't able to hide the fact that I had boobs, which I couldn't because I had like double Ds. Oh, wow. Really? If I couldn't hide them anyway, then I wouldn't have been able to leave the house because I would have just felt so sick that I couldn't.

And so I send away this like money order through the mail. I just Googled it. I'm looking at them. So go on. Yeah. So I sent money away through the mail because I still don't send anything to my parents. And I get a binder in the mail or in the mail. And I wore it.

And it basically took me down from double ds to, I mean, it squishes your boobs flat. It kind of gives you this uniboubub. But it helps. If I was wearing like a button-up shirt, like or a kind of loose sweatshirt shirt or a hoodie, you would no longer know that I had booed, which was great for me. Right. Because instantly like confidence boost. I felt so much better about myself. And they knew that that was like a step in the right direction.

Right. Because that means the thing that made you actually feel better. So you had to know at that point like, oh, I got to do something about this because this is what was missing or it needs to be missing. It totally confirmed everything. And then my mom is, she's a scientist, super smart lady instantly. I thought I could hide a binder. That was nonsense. I don't know why I ever thought that.

Like people notice when double Ds are gone. Yeah, right? And she asks me, she goes, we were in the car and she says, so are you going to start transitioning now? And I hadn't said anything about being transgender. And she totally scared me. I was terrified from the spot. And I made some lame excuse about like, oh, my boobs are just so big.

when I run during gym, it hurts for them to bounce up and down. Right. I mean, that's a good thing to say. Yeah, yeah, but I totally wasn't ready to deal with it. Right. So over, but my parents aren't going to be taken for a fool. Bless their hearts. You know, they started reading books about having a trans kid,

and I was really embarrassed about it because they would try to come to me and ask me these questions. And they were trying to be supportive, but what they would say something like, do your breasts make you feel uncomfortable? Which no 14 or 15 year old ever wants to hear their parents stay. As bad as a sex talk, you just try to do anything you can to just get out of the room as fast as you can. Right. So we couldn't really communicate anything to each other. And I didn't know if they were supportive and they didn't know how to be supportive.

So eventually, I told them, like, it started getting to the point. So, oh, it should know, in high school, at a certain point, I started to self-harm. So I was, like, I was cutting myself. And not a little scratch, like, I'm talking, like, a razor blade. I should have gotten stitches. Oh, God. But it was bad. And looking back, the reason.

why it did that, it's not because I wanted to die. Because if I wanted to kill myself, you know, it's easy to figure out how. Totally. I had such bad anxiety that I couldn't get my mind to slow down enough to even think unless I did that because if you hurt yourself, if the body's hurt, you know, it releases, it releases all the feel-good chemicals. And I was in a way self-treating my anxiety because then my mind would slow down and I could handle what was going on.

Right. So it was just, it was like an anchor for you. I'm like a picker. And I can sometimes, it would mutilate myself to just when I'm stressed out. You know, I'll pick a something like until it bleeds and like that pain is a focus. It's like a weird thing. I've Googled it. And I'm like, oh my God. Exactly. Yeah. So I totally understand. It wasn't as hard. I don't have it as hardcore as that, but that's what all that is really about. And I totally get it. It does become like an anchor when your mind is just too crazy looped into something that is like too much to handle. Yeah, yeah. And I mean, it went on for a while because I hit it because it was what I needed and to get through things.

And I was scared that if somebody found out, you know, they would be an adult about it and they would tell my parents and then I would have to stop. And then I would have nothing to slow down my mind from racing. And what were you racing about? Was it about this whole thing about to transition or not to? Was it that your relationship was sort of suffering at the time because it seems like people were pretty. positive. Like, it seems like you had not such a bad time. I mean, here you are like you're only a sophomore in high school and you're already like a full-fledged lesbian out and about in school. Everyone's accepting. You have a relationship. You start hiding your tits. Your parents know about it,

right? Everyone at school is obviously accepting it. So like what was like that massive stress that was going on? Was it just your own sort of identity crisis that you were going on within yourself? Because it seems like everyone else was pretty accepting of what was going down, right? So a lot of it was due to my partner and a lot of it was due to me being scared of what people might do. Right. So there's a famous trans guy called Brandon Tina. And they made a video about him, Boys Don't Cry. It's a really graphic video, but it's a true one.

and that happened in a small town like 45 minutes away from where I was growing up. Right. And basically some guys find out that he is not a biological male. They raped him and then murdered him. Right. And his grave was in the same town that I was. So it was, and it only had happened like 10 years prior to me being in high school. So I was terrified that something like that could happen because there are definitely a lot of conservative people around.

and it only takes, you know, one angry person to turn everything upside down. And then I had my partner in the background at the time. She would say things like she was manipulating me and I didn't know it. She would say like, you're lucky that you found anybody because nobody else would accept you. Nobody would date you. She would say little things like that. And at the time it sounded sweet because I was like, oh my God, I found the person who wants me out of the whole world of people who never want anybody.

Right. Yeah, yeah. But it was totally abusive. And then when I would try to call her out on it and leave her, she would do something like one time she grabbed one of my binders, which were the only things that allowed me to leave the house. Right. I mean, mentally, there was no way I could have done it without them. And she grabbed a pair of scissors and said, say you love me more than you love these binders. Oh, my God.

Very dramatic. And I just shut down. I couldn't say anything because I just totally shut down emotionally and I just had no idea what to say. And she took the scissors to my binder. She took the scissors to my binder. And I just started melting down. And my parents were in the household that was happening. It was just in a room, you know, closed door downstairs.

So they had no idea. And my dad heard a noise and came in and was like, what's going on and stopped it? and kind of saved me from it, but but she would like kind of cow me into, she would scare me into not being my, not being myself. Right. She was always reinforcing these fears of like,

that could happen to you. That's happening all over the place. I'm the one who accepts you. Other people won't accept you. Right. She obviously wanted to keep things status quo. Probably she really liked you. She was a. lesbian. She probably liked your double D's, right, as a lesbian. What does she really want you to switch and

transgender over? She didn't like dudes. You kind of like, like, and I think when you're so young like that, like, you know, nobody really acts properly when shit goes down like bad. Who knows how to act when you're 14 years old or whatever age you are? I was like a vicious cunt when I was that age. I was manipulative. Like I was really like people, the shit people would say, but you know, you can't really define somebody by that. So she was playing head games with you. She was controlling, you know, and she's young and she doesn't know how to act. And she's like losing, you know, what you were threatening to do was basically leave the relationship. Like I know that in your mind you thought, oh, she should stay with you. But like, how could she stay with you if she's a lesbian, right? And you say you want to be a guy, right? Like,

you have to understand her point two. But you guys are just both super young. So yeah, she was playing a total head trip on you. And that was affecting you because you're young. too, and you're not smart enough to really know what's going down. So it's like affecting your self-esteem, which I totally get. And that's just like young love, right? And you're cutting yourself like a crazy person. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

And she came from a bad household. Her house was abusive. So I always, I took the role of being her protector, right? She would do things like if you're having a fight, she would get out of her car, leave it in the middle of the road, and just start walking down the street. because she was so angry. She, like, couldn't handle it. So I would always have to, like, go wrestle the keys from her to get her car out of the road

because if the police became involved in, she would be taken home. Her parents would be notified, and then shit would happen. Right. She would get it. Right. More abuse. Yeah. So, and because I wanted to be the guy, you know, I just assumed that, like, or I would say,

like, I can take her, like, she would slap me or hit me and leave a bruise, and I'd be like, it's nothing. I'm a guy. Like, this doesn't like. Right. So why would she want to? lose you. Whatever.

Right. So think about like what you were doing for her, who you became for her. And then you were threatening, not threatening, but probably to her, it was a threat. When you started to say you wanted to do testosterone and stuff, because that was like she saw the writing on the wall. You were going to abandon her. That's really what that was for her. So, you know, I get why she acted a little nutty and crazy.

But you had to do what you had to do. And so eventually how did you, you just got on to testosterone and decided to like have the balls to just like do it in transition and let everyone know and you know sort of let it all happen and see where the chips fell or whatever the saying is yeah so um so so with the the cutting um it got to a point where um like one day there was some blood on my jeans and i had this teacher that i was closer and she noticed and and she made me show her and she goes um like i'll give you two options you can either call your parents and tell them, or I can call and tell them for you. And, and so, of course, I wasn't going to call my parents because I didn't want anybody to know.

And she calls them and they're notified and they find out. And that's kind of what started the conversation because they thought I wanted to kill myself. And I had to say no. And I was saying, like, this is just what I have to do to handle how I feel. Because, like, my thoughts are racing. And they're like, why are your thoughts racing? And it's because, I was like, I don't, because if I can't transition, then there is, there is no, I have no desire to live. Or I have no desire, no, no, I don't get any enjoyment out of life.

So they say, okay, so they, they set up an appointment. I told them that, so in order to start testosterone in, in the Midwestern state, but when I was in Nebraska, you have to go to a gender, specialist or a therapist that specializes in gender issues for three months or an entire year. Right. Three months if you're an adult, an entire year if you're a minor, which I was. Right. And that is for them to certify that you don't have schizophrenia or what they're really looking for is borderline personality disorder.

Right. So they want to make sure, you know, you don't have a secret personality that wants to take the soft throne and then, God forbid, they let you do it and it ruins the life for everybody else. Yeah. So I tell my parents, I'm like, in order for me to get testosterone, this is where I have to start. And they're like, okay, we don't know if this is a phase or not. So go to a therapist. Like, it can only do a good thing.

So I went and I started figuring out who I was and what I wanted. The therapist talked to me a lot. Told me I was an abusive relationship. But for another, like, year, I refused to see it as that because I was like, oh, she comes from a bad home, you know. she right this is what she knows um so junior year um was the year i started testosterone because i finally completed my year of therapy and they they certified i wasn't crazy um i had to call around i ended up having to go to plan parenthood because there's no doctor in the city that um knew enough about trans patients to be willing to give a minor steroid because testosterone um that

testosterone you take to transition is literally it's just a synthesized version of the regular testosterone that is in a guy's body. But it's scary because it comes in a vial and you don't to shoot it in your leg with a needle. Yeah. And it's a controlled substance. So my parents were super scared and I called a bunch of doctors and they would say, yes, we'll take you and I'll get my hopes up because the only reason I was holding it on and making it through high school was the hope that I would get testosterone someday.

Right. Because if I knew that I couldn't get testosterone, I would have killed myself because there was, there would have been no point. So, long story short, eventually I get started on T. And junior year, I started taking testosterone. So my voice changes. My voice is cracking, all that stuff. And then spring break of my senior year, my parents actually paid for me at top surgery. which was amazing.

We found a doctor that would do it. Insurance wouldn't cover it, of course. But with my binders, it had gotten to the point. Since I had a big chest, I was wearing two at one time, which is a big no-no. Because it restricts the blood flow so much that I would get like blue lips in class and start passing out. Oh, my God. Just to push them down? Okay.

Yeah, yeah. And it was carrying muscles in my back. Wow. I was wearing them anytime I was out of the house every day. Your body isn't meant to do that, especially a growing body. Right. And my parents knew that they knew that it was hurting their kid, and it was obviously not a phase, but that was what I needed in my life to be able to be a happy and productive person.

Right. So I got top surgery, which was amazing. And yeah, so that was kind of my transition in high school. And I ended up, I actually had my hysterectomy. Oh, they do that? After I graduated high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm happy with my Vag, but I didn't want any female reproductive organ because

I don't want estrogen on my body, right? So it's actually healthier to have your cervix and ovaries removed because there's from concern that if you're on testosterone for a long time, that it can raise your risk of ovarian cancer. Right, right, right. I get it. No, that makes sense. I was thinking, oh, my God, they take that out,

then you're going to go into marijuana. But you don't get that because you're supplementing with the male hormone. So it's not like you're a female losing female hormones and you have no hormones left. You're taking the female hormones out. So you take all, right? And so you're there, but you're putting in the testosterone. So then that's why you get the hair. your face and you get the manly voice and you stay a man and then you're not like lacking

hormones really correct yeah so so i'm lucky because i got to skip out on periods as soon as i started testosterone right and and i got to skip menopause because i was on testosterone um but i did get a really hairy butt which is just growth no matter who you are but wait a second does your badge get wet when you get horny like what happens yeah Yeah, no, still totally does. Right, because that's testosterone, right? Like that happens through testosterone, I think, in a woman's body, too, even as well. But it's not just estrogen, right?

I mean, women have testosterone and everybody has both in them, right? Everybody has both. Right. So it's not like, oh, you just because you don't have estrogen, you don't, your feet, your vagina doesn't work totally properly. Like, your vagina can work without any estrogen and some testosterone, I'm assuming. Yeah, yeah. So it kind of gets a little technical because I'm not a doctor, but you can risk, when you're on testosterone, it can definitely make it easier for you to become aroused, but the estrogen is what actually lubricates your vagina. Right. That's why I asked if you got wet. Right.

When women get menopause, they, yeah, they might need lube more because it hurts to have sex. I'm just, just a mess. That's most, you know, just me. And I get turned on at the flip of a switch. And I've always been that way, but, testosterone definitely didn't make that go away. Right. So you still get lubricated. Oh, yeah. Even without the estrogen. That's what I was saying. Right?

So, okay. You're right. That's interesting. So people accepted it, you though, I'm assuming. I mean, and you transitioned and your parents were cool with it. That girlfriend, I guess you broke up with her. People in your high school were okay with it. Yeah.

I was really popular in high school. And luckily in the Midwest, It's not the way it is out here in the West Coast, but if people have an issue with you, for the most part, they just don't say anything. Oh, really? I mean, for whatever reason. Yeah, yeah, it's... If you don't agree with somebody you just don't talk about it, you avoid it. Oh, interesting.

I was popular. Everybody really liked me. I didn't hide the fact that I was trans. So if people had questions, and that's, you know, where a lot of the ignorance comes from from kids, they just don't know. So they ask an insensitive question because they don't. know any better. So if somebody said something that was offensive instead of like yelling at them or not saying anything, I would say I was just up front about and I answer their question. So I was really fortunate in that way and I had a teacher

who supported me and the school system didn't know what to do with me but they wanted to support their students. So when I was able to articulate what I needed like I needed to change in the coaches office they had like a little locker room in the back room for Jim because I wouldn't change in the girls' locker room because I looked like a guy and I was scare girls. And I couldn't change in the guy's locker room because I don't want to get anywhere close to naked around other guys. Right. Because I don't have a dick and I don't want one. Right.

So, no, I was very fortunate. My community, for the most part, was really accepting. Nobody ever tried to pick a fight with me or anything like that. But I didn't hide from anything. No, I know. That's why I've seen. I never backed down. Yeah. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to do what you did at your age and, you know, especially with all the fear that you have because of the stuff that went down and the stigma attached to people and, you know, what has happened to other people that have done it. But I mean, you know, your problems are like, it's like you're a transgender person. And I remember thinking this when you first email me. What's so interesting about your sort of situation is you're a transgender person, but your issues have nothing to do with that. Your issues are just regular. relationship issues. Do you know what I mean? And you would think it would be the opposite, right?

Like maybe your relationship would be fine, but you would have all this conflict with being transgender and being gay and like, you know, you sound a little confused because you're not a biological woman, but you're not a biological man and you don't know where you want people to accept you as a man, but you're not really a woman. I don't even know. We got into that a little earlier. You can't even figure that out.

But yet really your problem, you know, you pretty much have. have that down okay and at such a young age i can't even believe it you're 22 you have your whole life ahead of you and you've done the bravest thing and transitioned and all that stuff and you're good to go you're who you are now you just got to do regular life shit which is bad enough okay so you're just lucky about that other stuff which is just this kind of stuff where you have this girl that you really love that is your opposite that is exactly like your parents that's withholding in you and playing that story to you that was told to you

by your parents. You know, that's what we do. We had ever story that we learned when we were younger, we go out and we find people that will teach us that same story until we have the voice or the courage to speak up and say, no, I want more, I deserve more. And that's what you're trying to do with her. Like you're saying,

I want more, I need more. That's like what you wanted to tell your parents. I talked about this a long time ago on one of my podcast. There's this guy. What the fuck is his name? He's like this great relationship. Oh, Harvey Harville Hendrix. I once played a clip of what he says about relationships,

and it's so true. But really what the whole gist is and what he believes is is that we meet these people that will specifically give us the same sort of experience that our parents gave us. And he says that what happens most of the time when we find out that people are like our parents, we're like, oh, fuck you. Like, you know, say in your situation,

you'd be like, oh, fuck you, you're cold. dismissive and I need more than that and you're just like my parents. So I'm going to go find somebody that will give that to me. But what he would say, what Harvard would say is that you're never going to find, you're never going to be attracted. You might find people that would give you more, but you're never going to be attracted to those people. We're always going to be super attractive, attracted sexually and drawn to to the people that are going to play out that same scenario because the only way we fix that scenario is to play it out with somebody else and to do it. And the way that you actually can fix it and what he does with couples and what he thinks is really great is that

he brings couples together or like when they get to the point where like you're at in your relationship right where she's pushing your dysfunctional buttons and you're like what the fuck he says to you guys if you guys came in as a couple or what his books would say is that like if your girlfriend could understand that like what you're asking from her is stuff that your parents didn't give you and that it would be very healing for you if she gave it to you. right? So that's why she should want to give it to you, right? Because she could actually heal those wounds by giving it to you. And since she's not your parent, she should have less of a problem doing that for you. And then, and vice versa, you know, whatever it is that you're pushing her dysfunctional buttons, and I'm sure there's

something that you're playing out for her, if whatever she's sort of saying to you that she needs or she wants, instead of getting angry at her and pushing her way, like if you just gave her that, like that's how people heal. And that's what his whole thing is about. Do you know? understand. So it's just like somehow if you could get your girl to give you that stuff that you didn't get probably from your parents, that's why you really needed from her. That would be very healing from you. So but you have to give her time because people can't just change, you know? She might have her own dysfunction of why she can't give that to you. But that's the problem that couple's face. But that's the stuff that you really should try to work out because most of the time

what Harville will say and what I believe is you guys could leave each other. And you said, you're not going to, but what people will think is like, oh, I'll just leave this person and find someone better, but you'll wind up being attracted to somebody that's exactly the same way. Do you know what I mean? We tend to keep playing out the same fucking story, okay? I have a book that sells on Amazon. It's the same shit, my story, too. We all have that thing, you know?

So if you left her, you just find another girl that's going to do the same thing that's going to be a little withholding of affection and of stuff like that because, you know, of your scientific parents. Yeah. This is the way that it goes, you know? Yeah. And you're going to have to work on that probably most of your life. And, but you should work on it.

And it is good that you bring it up to her and you talk about it to her. But like I said, as well, you also have to sort of learn to maybe be a more whole person without sort of needing that so much, right? There has to be like sort of a balance. Yeah. So that you're not so super needy because what my therapist would say is there's like child like like feelings and like adult feelings. Like as an adult you probably don't need as much of the stuff that you think that you do.

Because sometimes when she's pushing those buttons, you go into like a child sort of place and you think that you're more needy than you really are. Do you know what I mean? But as an adult, you might not need as much as you really sort of act like you do when you start crying. You know, you don't even have estrogen and you're fucking crying because she's not telling you you look good in a t-shirt or something.

You know what I mean? And you don't even have PMS, right? That's like, you know, that's like she's pushing your buttons and making you feel like a bait, like your parents made you feel, you know, and that's when you have to remember like, I'm not a fucking five-year-old that needs that much shit.

you know, you're an adult and, you know, you sort of got it together and you're not that needy. And there's just that balance. I don't know. Am I making any sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's really good advice because I was jumping to this point where I was like, okay, if she just has a low sex drive. Because in her world, if I say I am not happy because we're not having regular sex and if she feels that that's just how she is, she would just break up with me. because she believes, she kind of prescribes that, you know, there's a perfect person out there for you.

And I'm on the side who's like, we can always work and make anything, we can figure everything out if we just work hard enough. Right. Which is the kind of like opposite spectrum, you know, of La La Land. Right, exactly. So we're in the middle is the truth. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

So I was torturing myself because I'm like, I'm a monogamous person. But I was thinking maybe like some sort of not an open relationship. because I'm not looking for romance, but I'm having all these sexual feelings. Like, I want to have sex and I'm a 22-year-old, and I'm now in a part of the country where I'm openly being hit on by people. And even after they find out I'm trans, they still want to get with me. And it's really frustrating because I don't know where else to look, if not to my partner. And I feel like we have to have some huge, big discussion and work out all of the

this crazy shit and then if I try to talk to her about it she gets hurt because she just hears that I want to be with somebody else and that's not the case I just want to be fucked right and you want her to be the one but right now she knows on some level that she can't be that one not even that she can't she doesn't probably have the desire and that's because she can't you know but does she have a therapist has she ever thought maybe to go seek therapy at all for her own She doesn't, I, I'm working on trying to get her to go to one because I've always gone, you know, for, I had to, in order to get my testosterone. Of course, right. I'm totally a prescriber to, you know, like, therapy is great.

She's more of the school of thought of, if it's not broke, don't fix it. Of course. People like her always are. So I might be able to get her to go. No. But it would be hard and it would be really hard to get her to not only go, but to open up to talking about. or anything like that. You're right.

That's her issue. She wants to talk about. Right. That's why she doesn't even want to have sex because she's closed off and she's a little bit unplugged or a lot unplugged. And that's why she's sort of not really engaging 100% in certain areas of her life, you know, emotionally, sexually. And, you know, those are big parts of a relationship.

She could leave you and go find somebody else with, and there's not going to be a lot of people that are going to be happy with her sort of, um, sex drive, you know, it's just, it's not enough, you know, like for real. I mean, unless she meets somebody that's like her, but most likely she's going to get somebody else like you. Like, we never, there are no pairings of the perfect people. The perfect person is the person that's going to teach you what you need to. And that's always a little difficult in life.

Like that's what it's about. Not to say, like you said, on the opposite end of the spectrum, not to say you have to stay with somebody that is totally abusive in playing the same scenario and you should never leave them and you have to stay with them, you know. like you said, and I said, somewhere in the middle of your girlfriend's sort of idea of just leaving someone and your idea of just sticking with it, no matter what, is reality. And the truth is that with your girl right now, you know, you've been with her three years. Was like, have things started to go downhill now or was it always sort of not so great? It started to go downhill because when we have sex, it's really, really good sex.

And we used to have it all the time. and I've asked her, you know, why is it slowing down? Because, you know, at some point in most relationships, you know, they just keep the frequency of sex starts to drop. Totally. And she acknowledged that. And then that's when she starts throwing out these ideas of like, well, maybe it's because I haven't been with a girl

and I would have more sex if I was with one. And she's just trying to come up with ideas, but doesn't really know because she doesn't want to process it because it makes you uncomfortable. So then I get nervous because I hear these like half thoughts and I don't understand them. Right. I didn't listen. But I guess it all comes back to that therapy thing.

Like, I mean, it sounds like something she would, it would best be fitted to talk to a professional about because they're going to know what's needed to work through those things to open that up. Yeah. And listen, stuff like that sometimes is really bad because it plants a seed, right? And certain people's minds. minds. I mean, forget it. You know what I mean? That's the last thing you want to know is that your partner. And, you know, listen, you said the same thing, though, on this podcast. You told me before, like, people are hitting on me and I'm not getting sex at home.

So, I mean, you have that same, like, imagine she, she, she, do you ever tell her that to her face? Like, you know, that you sort of have these other options and maybe you wonder, you know, I mean, there's always going to be that thing in a relationship. But when somebody sort of says that to somebody else, like it puts it out. there like maybe you know it's because like for her to say to you like maybe it's because I've never been with a woman like that's like poison to relationships I think sometimes stuff like that because maybe she doesn't even mean it right and look when you told her go fuck a girl she's like I don't even want to she doesn't want to fuck anyone true you know she probably but yet you know that could

make you go a little crazy in your mind to think that that's what she really wants right you know and then you finally get to the point where you work on yourself so that you think you're going to let her go be with somebody else. And then she's like, oh, I don't even want to. And it's like, that's a whole mind fuck right there, you know, that you go through. And then so when you start to, you know, when these kind of issues come up and people have a hard time communicating and staying sort of on topic, these, you know, people express themselves or work it out in these other ways and people sabotage by saying stupid things or maybe sometimes people cheat, you know, when things. So it's just like, that's what you have to be. careful of in this situation while you guys are both frustrated with the difference that you guys have

right now that you guys don't sort of sabotage by saying stupid things and doing stupid things. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So then I have one last question. Sure. And I definitely could use your advice on this.

Sure. So out here on the West Coast, there's a lot more to do. and I keep, I love going to gay events, right? I'm always really active in the community. And there's some, like, different events come across that I would love to go to that are different, like, sex workshops, you know, or, like, I don't know. Like, they're just classes given at these sex toy places, and they're just kind of naughty, and they seem like they'd be fun to go to. And I really want her to go with me because I think it'd be fun. Right.

You know, like maybe, I know it'd make her uncomfortable, but I don't know if that would be like a good thing to try to show her that it's like they're okay things to like and it's okay to admit that you like them. So are you asking me whether I think you should take her to those things? Yeah, yeah. Or do you think I should just accept that I'm the only one. No, I think you should go on my own. No, first of all, you should not go on your own because then you're going to be cheating on her sometime soon. I mean, come on. You're going to go to those sex classes.

Come on. Like, forget it. Like, then that leads to you meeting. This is how affairs start. And this, you know, like, you can know, you can't go alone if you want to stay with her. If you're at the point where you're fed up with her and this relationship is going nowhere, then I'd be like, yeah, go to those classes alone because I know the writing on the wall. You're going to meet somebody else.

You're going to leave the bad relationship and whatever. But, no, you should, I believe you should take her. Push her. I think it's good to take her out of her comfort zone. What's the worst thing she's going to happen? She's going to go and she's not going to be horny at all. Maybe it's something that extreme is what she actually needs. You know what I mean?

Like I don't think, I think try anything you can to get her to plug back in. I think she's missing out. Sex is fucking great. She's 26 years old. Like you guys should be having, like I said, a lot more sex. She might, it might be exactly what she needs. I think you, I think that's actually a very. good thing to try it listen if she's very anti it and it's like no fucking way and she gets really freaked out

don't go don't go by yourself don't go by yourself just like let it go but if she's kind of on the fence I think you should push her to do it because what's the worst that's going to happen she's going to go and be like oh I'm not into this but you know there's always a chance that she might go and she might get a little horny and she might come home and she might get you know what I mean that kind of shit everyone's attracted different ways you know women sometimes maybe like you said she's She can't just like walk in and get it on, right? But in those classes, there's probably going to be a lot of foreplay that a woman really needs. Like women get turned on by what they hear and what they're thinking about.

And, you know, so if she's sitting there for an hour in some class that's all about sex, it might get her really fucking horny. And you might have really good sex on the way home. And it might get you guys talking about other kinds of things. It might get her to try other kinds of things. So I think it's actually a really good thing. But don't go alone. Yeah.

Go with her. Yeah, that makes perfect sense. I'm really glad. I'm glad that I emailed you for sure. Yeah, I'm so glad you called. I could have, like I said, I feel like I went all over the place in this podcast because I had a thousand gazillion questions for you. And what I sort of thought when I first read your email is like sort of how it went down. Like this whole transgender thing is not like your issue.

It's like weird because you have this whole sort of part of you that should be super confusing and difficult. and should be the conflict in your life. And it's really not. You, for a 22-year-old, I have to give you credit. You have that taken care of. You should be so happy. You should listen to the other conversations I've had with transgender. Or people who are actually wanting to be who you are, and they're like 55 years old.

And they never, because they had families and they lived a double life. And they never sort of, you know, sort of been who they never let their freak flag fly. They weren't able. They were born in a different time. they weren't able to really put themselves out there. So you should be very happy that that's who you are. And that really the only problem you have is a typical relationship problem. Welcome to the real world.

Whether you're transgender, straight, gay, whatever. It fucking sucks. And that's just what relationships are difficult. Do you know what I mean? It's just the way that it goes. Yeah. You know, your situation is very common. You know, it's definitely something that you should try to work on for as long as you can.

and I think those sex classes are a good idea. And I like to know how that goes. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I mean, I know I talked about relationship things this time, but I love talking about sex, and I have no hang up. So if you ever just want to talk about the nitty-gritty, yeah, that's great.

I would totally be up for that. Well, hopefully, like, you and your girls start doing crazy things. Who knows? Maybe you guys will be swingers by that. You know, who knows what happens when you go to those things? Because I think those things are going to be a lot. more open-minded, you know, especially in the gay community, I think both with lesbians and gay people, those kinds of things. You're going to meet people that are very open-minded and

very sexual. And I think that you never know where, you know, what if you and your girlfriend turn into like the total, like, opposite and you guys are like doing all kinds of crazy sexual things? I'd love to hear about it. Or I don't know. Something else happens. I always like to see what, you know, what twists and turns happen in people's lives. So definitely keep me posted. But I think it's a good idea. And definitely. do it and let me know how it goes. Yeah, for sure. Well, thanks.

Yeah, thanks so much for calling in, Guy. That's what you want to be called, Guy. At the end of the day, you're just a guy with a vagina, with a girlfriend. All right, so good luck and keep me posted. Yeah, we'll do. All right, thanks so much. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly

Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Children. Total Strangers is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story.

There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories, and they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person, and I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories.

17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two, and then skip a row. round. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me, okay? I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody

shares content with each other and that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly. Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the strictly anonymous podcast.

Do you have a story, lifestyle, or situation you can't talk about to anyone, to anyone? Or do you just want to let your freak flag fly and be on the show? Well, strictly an Anonymous wants to hear from you, send us an email, Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com, with your story and your anonymous name. And remember, everything is strictly anonymous. Strictly anonymous.