Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 244 -Peter is Bipolar and his Medication has Ruined his Orgasms

Episode Date: August 13, 2018

Peter is bipolar and his medication has really screwed up his sex life. Not only has he not had sex in many years, he’s also been incapable of having any kind of relationship since his marriage ended over 10 years ago. When did he get diagnosed as bipolar? How does the medicine mess with his sex drive and orgasms? Why hasn't he had any relationships for so many years?? Tune in to find out plus hear all about why he was out of work for the past 10 years, how he recently started working again and how that has changed things for him for the better and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Strictly anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Is your real follow? Do your friend know that you're banging her or no? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to rehire. your wits and change. Here is your host, Kathy.

Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous. If you want to be on the show, this is a call on by show where I give total strangers my unprofessional advice. I also just listen to people talk about their naughty lives and their secret lives. If you follow into any of those categories or you want to make up a new category and be on the show, send me an email. It's just a lot of Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at gmail.com or go to strictly anonymouspodcast.com and click on be on the show. I'm always looking for people to call in. So now the Craigslist doesn't exist,

I can't post ads on mine, right? So it's like everybody on my show is people that wrote in. I had a guy that wrote in from Australia. That's who I'm airing today. His name is Jake. And you could see by the title, he's bipolar and he can't get it up. And we talk all about that. And that plays out in his life with like, you know, he's bipolar. He has commitment issues. he takes medication, which doesn't help with his, you know, with sex. Because he has commitment issues. He has issues with sex to begin with. Because also he's had some physical things happen to him that put him on disability.

So basically, like, Jake was a guy that not only has not had relationships for a long time, he hasn't really had sex for a long time. He hasn't even really worked for a long time. He was really sort of debilitated in every area of his life because of a lot of things that happened to him when he was younger. But we're talking to Jake at a time where, like, things are really changing for him and changing for the better, like things are really looking up for Jake. Just a couple of weeks ago, things turned around, and we talk about that.

So I was excited to hear that or talk to somebody in that phase of this sort of story, because I think, you know, a lot of people can relate and people are either out of it and on the other side and in a good place, and they could listen to Jake's story and relate, or they're like before the good change in their life and they're still kind of stuck and they can listen to Jake and maybe learn from his story. And if you don't know anybody and can't relate at all, it's still a good story because it's like there's a happy ending. And it's not an ending, right? As long as you're alive, there's always going to be new chapters and new changes. But this is a guy who is coming out of a 20-year funk of like a lot of inaction. And we talk a lot about all of these things, a lot of bipolar, a lot about sexual dysfunction, a lot about commitment issues.

I interrupt him a lot and talk a lot about myself because I always get super excited when I'm talking to people like this because I can relate and I'm a lot of, I'm very similar and I've had a lot of the same issues. So, you know, bear with my cutting him off. I just get excited when I have talking to somebody like this because it's like my thing and I like to help people that are on this place. And like I said, it's not even like you have to help him because he's doing good. good. He's all of a sudden doing much better in his life. And so that's that. So we'll sit back, relax, and listen to Jake's story. I'll be right back on with Jake. You have an interesting topic, and this is something that I know about because I have some friends that, you know, deal with this issue, right? It's kind of like twofold. I think they go together. Well, it's kind of like threefold, right?

one is that like the three bullets I would say that you sent me the email was like one you do you rarely have sex there's something about it that like isn't comfortable for you two you have issues with relationships as well and three you're on medication for being bipolar and so when you do wind up having sex it totally makes you have like no feeling and I've heard that before from two of my girlfriends that are on that kind of medication you know that it takes away this feeling so if like you're banging an escort which you do sometimes you could get a wreck but you have no sensation personally i think it makes sense that all three of those things are going on in you because you know because it's all sort of related commitment issues you know bipolar having to be on medication and the medication then you know just doing the physical thing but emotionally before you even take that medication you have some issues going on right so we're going to talk about it all. It all sort of, you know, feeds into, one feeds into the next, which feeds into the next, and it compounds it all and makes it all very messy. Yeah, totally. But we could, you know,

try to pick it out and make it a little bit more clear because this is like a topic that I know a lot because I've dated all kinds of people because I always had relationship issues, right? And people would always be like, oh, every guy always wants to have sex. It's like, no, there's a whole lot of guys out there that won't bang you. Like, that's a thing, you know what I mean? And to me, that's a big commitment thing because somehow it's like sex and intimacy equals like commitment right because and when you're really having sex with someone that you actually like right that is like real intimacy and that's something that somebody that is afraid of commitment which is intimacy would be would avoid right when I was younger the hottest the hottest sex for me was like with guys I didn't like like it was

disgusting to me if I like somebody you know what I mean like I would be gross out like it was only guys that I found repulsive I like to bang. Like it was so backwards, but it made sense with my dysfunction, right? And it makes sense that you could get like rock hard with an escort, right? Because there's a distance there, right? That you're not going to date that person. It's transactional, you know? Not to say that you wouldn't wind up falling for them, maybe, in thinking that you like them,

but that would just be because most likely they're unattainable, right? Because that's the kind of people that commitment-phobic people tend to go for, people that are unavailable or they know on some level they would never be with. So that's all that shit, right? There's something safe about an escort sometimes. They don't know whether it's because of the anonymity that, you know, often you spend a lot of time talking. You know, you talk about major health and like, oh, yeah, look, I've had some problems

or a friend have had problems. And, you know, it becomes this huge conversation where you think it's this total, it's just going to be sex, sex, sex, and it's, you know, it's mostly talking, a bit of cuddling. Oh, no, I hear that a lot from the guys that call in, and I know that from the women that have called in that do this line of work, like a lot of times it's, it is, there's other things going on, right? And guys get stuff from those things as well, right? So it's like, safe for you in that you could get kind of not just have a physical sort of release, right? you could have some sort of emotional connection, right, which is probably something that you lack.

Absolutely. In your life, right? Just being able to have the opportunity to just get naked with someone and cuddle, you know, be up close and intimate, not necessarily sexually intimate, but just being physically close to someone. Yeah, that's like a human need that we have. Like I was just talking to someone the other day that was, had commitment issues and I was like you don't have a pet you haven't had a lover you don't

aren't close with your family like who do you fucking love like you don't I mean like so everyone has something you know like and I've had friends that are severely comitophobic they don't even have anything I'm like who do you hug like who do you like do that you know it's like some people it's just an animal right but it's something you know and some people keep themselves so sort of stark dry of any kind of love like they don't even have that right so they're not they don't have close but friends, they don't have like a pet, they don't have a lover, you know, so, but you need that. Everybody needs it. That's a huge, like, if babies aren't cuddled, like, in the beginning of,

like, there was, like, studies, and they didn't, they can't do a study like this on purpose, but, like, there was, like, this orphanage where, like, in a rush or someplace where they weren't, like, holding the babies when they were just born, and they literally died because we as human being. It's called a failure to thrive. Right. Mm-hmm. We need physical.

Yeah. I didn't know the name, but that's, right? It's, like, we need that. You need that. Right. So the chemical oxytocin is, it's like a hormone that brain produces that you get from physical closeness. Mm-hmm. And if we don't have that, just that casual intimacy that, you know, just hugging someone, just holding hands, just cuddling.

Mm-hmm. You know, you can get really, really deeply depressed. Yeah, totally. Let me get some background on you because you sound older. How old are you? Oh, no. 41. You're 41.

Okay. So, like, when did you start your medication? Because you say you're bipolar, right? Like, when was that label put on you? When did you find out you were? And when did you start the medication? But first, wait, let me just ask you, you're 41. Have you ever had a long-term relationship?

And if so, what was, like, how long was it? Or what was the longest relationship you've had at 41? The longest was eight years. Okay, that's a long time. basically from from 20 to 28 it um yeah that was that was huge yeah that's pretty major i'm surprised oh well it is it um i thought it was going to be my whole you know get married have kids the whole thing that you sort of grow up expecting that you're going to do yeah um yeah she was a couple of years younger than me.

So I think she was 18. I was 20 when we first started and I was her first serious relationship. By the time we ended, we just had totally growing up into different people. Yeah, that happens in your 20s.

That's why it's so stupid to get married in your 20s. I just, you know what I mean? You're going to be like 10 different people every year you change so much, you know? I mean, listen, I think some people, it's just meant to be and they're fine, you know, but most people the majority, I just think it's there's, you should never settle down

and it's just way too young. You haven't figured out who you fully are yet, you know, right? Oh, as a baby, you know, at the time I thought that that's all I want and I was devastated when it all ended. Yeah, but looking back now, I can see that I was nowhere near

ready for a long-term commitment. Let me ask you this though, since that... Right, but since that one thing, so you have had no other relationships after that? Nothing that I would call an emotional

relationship. You know, I've had physical or I've had attempts where I've dated. But nothing that's lasted. No, nothing that's lasted more than a few months. But let me ask you this. Do you feel like, because I've seen this with some people.

You know, I've never had something longer than like two years. So I can't even relate to having eight years. I'm like, why can't you fucking do that again? Do you know what I mean? Like, it seems like if you could have that kind of closeness and have that long-term relationship, you should be able to do that again because you did it once, right? So, but I've, what I've seen in some people, and you know, I always say I give unprofessional advice. So this is how I do my, you know, whatever, experiments. I just look at, like, two people I know, and I decide that that's the way

that it goes. But, like, what I've seen in some people is that, and I think maybe this is where it comes from, like they are capable of having that relationship. They have it, and then when it goes south and it ends, they're so devastated that they never, like the actual devastation from it and the breakup and is so painful for them that that the fear of that happening again is what keeps them from ever being able to do it again. Like when they were young, they didn't realize that it could go south or any, you know what I mean? You didn't see the ending coming, right?

Like you said, it was going to be the rest of your life. And then it's just described my life. Yeah, and then it ends, and you're like, you can never do it again because you're so, now you realize, right, what life's about. Like, sometimes things don't fucking work out and the rug could be pulled. But what I don't get, because for me, it's like the opposite. The more I fail at things and the more things end for me and the more I realize I'm okay and I was able to weather through it, the more I feel like I'm fine with the fact that things sort of go south and they don't work out.

and you'll survive, you know? So, like, can't you see, like, and I know you probably can't, right, because you haven't had a relationship since that. Yeah, it was devastating, right? And it was, like, the worst thing imaginable. But you survived. You came out of it. You were okay.

You know what I'm saying? I did. And I guess looking back, I can see that if I was still with that person, there's no way. I'll be miserable. And I can even think back to times. when we were together and I was miserable when we were together. Right. You know, I totally hear what you're saying about that idea that, you know, I've done it once.

I shouldn't be able to do it again. And my mind, I guess I know that sort of in my head, but something about being emotionally vulnerable is terrifying. Knowing things intellectually and knowing them emotionally and accepting, you know what I mean, is two separate things. Plenty of times you could completely get it in your head, but you just, you can't experience it with the rest of your being. Like you can't buy into it, you know, and those are like, that's like a blockage, right? And that's the stuff you need to fucking work out. You're obviously in therapy, but this is what's fucked up for me is that a lot of people get put on medication, but they're not in therapy. To me, like, if you're on medication, you should be forced to go to therapy while you're on the medication, right?

The medication is just a crutch. Exactly. The therapy, right? That's what I mean. But I have friends that are on, like, hardcore medication for bipolar or whatever. And they're not, like, they don't, they're not in therapy. It's just like, I don't get it. Like you said, the medication is a crutch.

What you really need is that therapy need to be working on yourself so that eventually you could get off the medication, right? because I personally don't believe in like, and I know that someone professional listening to this would be like, Kathy, like you can't say these kind of things. What are you saying? Yeah, that like somebody, listen, there are severe cases of people that absolutely mean medication for sure, and they're just chemically fucked, you know,

but I don't know. I believe that you can work through a lot of things and get stronger within yourself and get to a place where maybe you're not bipolar or you're not men. Whatever it is that's put on you, you know. How long, like, when did you find out that you were bipolar and you were put on medication and all this kind of stuff? Was it before your girl after?

Well, it was after, but I think I was having symptoms even while we were together. What were your symptoms? Really, really bad lows, like suicidal type feelings. Yeah, that's hardcore. I would be just, you know, I'd sit down at the end of the day and I'd think about how I wanted to die. And I couldn't explain that to myself. And I'd be telling my partner, I'd be like, I don't understand. Why do I want?

I've got everything, everything that I thought I wanted. Why do I want to die? Right. And she would get horribly upset with me because, well, that's obviously direct criticism of her. Of course, yes. As a girl, is going to first think that. Like, what's wrong with me? Like, you're not happy with me?

I won't complete you. But, you know, there's also other stuff like I enrolled and attempted to do four different degrees from earlier in my life. So that's another symptom of sort of making rash decisions or not really thinking things through. Oh, so do you mean like four different ones, like you start and then stop and then do another one? Or did you finish them all? No, no, no, no, stop and stop, start, then stop. Well, let me ask you this, because I'm sure even in therapy, you've talked about it. Like, before these, you know, depression phases started, like, what do you think?

What have you figured out, like, happened to you when you were younger that sort of created all this stuff? Like, do you know, like, did you have a really difficult childhood? Did everything seem totally perfect and you don't know where it comes from? Or, like, what's the deal? Look, I mean, a huge family history of mental illness. I know parents who weren't really emotionally available. They had their own stuff going on and didn't really know how to deal with their stuff and parent at the same time. So basically you had like none of that, you weren't given that security when you were really young.

Yeah, I just really sort of grew up with those developing those skills of coping with normal life stuff. Yeah. And when I was about eight or nine, I found out that I always knew earlier that I'd been born really premature. I was born at like 28 weeks. Oh, wow. That's like majorly premature. Yeah. I mean, you're lucky you survived.

Yeah. But it was when I was about eight or nine, I found out that I was actually an identical twin and that my twin was still born and that I survived. Oh, gosh. And that just screwed me. On one level, it was like it explained everything. But on the other level, it was like, my God, how do I even process this? Yeah, that's crazy to learn that, like, out of nowhere. You know what I mean?

Absolutely, out of nowhere, yes. And then to sort of not even have followed through it, like even now, I've learned more from the registrar of birth, death, and marriages than I had from my own parents. Really? Yes. What did you find out? Like, you told me that you found out when you were eight that you had the twin. Like, what more information did they have that they didn't give you?

Oh. Did you ever ask? I mean, maybe, like... Yeah, look, I think that probably told me at one point, but... I'm 41 years old, we've probably spoken about my twin maybe four or five times in my life. Yeah. If just as an indication of just how little that we were able to discuss, I think of just how raw the pain is every time we've talked about it with mum and dad. I don't want to feel like I'm, as much as I desperately want to know the answers, you know, I don't want to feel like I'm, I don't want to feel like I'm, I don't want to feel like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, you know, I don't want to feel like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm.

bringing out this horribly painful topic that's going to hurt them. Yeah, but what are the questions that you would like answered? I guess I want to know where his body is and I want to have somewhere to go and see that I can feel like I'm close to him. And you've never, they've never, you've never been able to ask them. They don't know. Oh, they don't know. So they, they don't know. They were in the hospital.

It was a baby. born to still, I mean, they're attending to you. I mean, it must have been like the craziest how conflicted for them at time. Yeah. Yeah. So it was pretty much like, you know, so growing up with all that, a lot of like depression in my teens, which I think is pretty normal, actually. Yeah. But it wasn't sort of, like I said, you know, bits of pieces of lows and, you know, some weird decision making, but it wasn't until after the relationship breakdown, you know, major sort of depression following that, which again was quite normal. But I had a work accident where I hurt my back and I couldn't work anymore and sort of that was, that had become the focus of my life.

It's like, I had the whole relationship, you know, that wasn't, that didn't work. I sort of found everything I had left into work, was going really well until this accident, and then I couldn't work. Oh, God. Like, what do I have left? And, again, I sort of became suicidal, and it's trying to sort of take the employer to the courts for compensation and just all that stress. It just forced me for the first time my life to actually try and talk to someone about

how do I cope with this? Yeah, uh-huh, because you, right, how do I survive? Mm-hmm. And that's when you got into therapy? Yeah, and that's what led to the whole diagnosis and has led to new years and years of therapy in addition. But I guess, you know, on the topic of medication and therapy, I think one of the benefits of therapy has been the idea of, I guess, trying to understand part of what happened to me and how, I ended up where I am, but also how do I go forward? How do I build a life, you know, regardless of symptoms?

Yeah, mm-hmm. So I might be stuck with some form of symptoms for the rest of my life. Yeah, for sure. It's probably not going to be as extreme as it was. Mm-hmm. But what kind of life do I want for myself and how can I explore and build a life that is meaningful to me with or without symptoms? Yeah, and how could you, because listen, as somebody that, Like I grew up with a lot of sort of issues that were put on me from my childhood.

And I always felt like, you know, certain things that other people had always were so difficult for me to get for myself. Because I felt like I had like a self-deserving thing. You know what I mean? Like for some reason, I didn't think I deserved all the things that everybody else had. You know what I mean? Even for me to have a baby was so difficult, you know, where everyone just like has a baby. You know what I mean? And I have a baby now.

But making those kinds of drastic life changes in my life have always been really difficult, you know. but they have been life-changing for me, and I'm so glad that I forced myself, but it was always really hard, you know, but it was something that I really wanted, and I always knew that. Like, what are the things in your life that you don't have now

that you really want for yourself that other people have? You know what I mean? But that are difficult for you. Oh, geez, intimacy. So like a relationship, a companion? Yeah, I've got a dog, and I love my dog. Yeah, that's good.

Thank God you have the fucking dog. It's the people that don't have anything. I'm like, get a dog. That's a good start. It's a good start. But, you know, I, and this is something else that's come up in therapy, that I've sort of romanticized or idealized this idea of what a relationship would be. Uh-huh, for sure.

And it makes it unattainable. Right, because what I think people don't get, and I used to be the same way, is that when you are sort of lonely or not happy within yourself, right, that you fantasize that like somebody would come into your life and then everything would be like so magical and like it would be brighter and I'm more happy and what I realize one day and it's very true and I've learned this also in therapy over and over again talking about it is that in reality like a relationship yeah in the beginning you're going to be high on endorphins and all that shit right whatever happened but yeah once that goes away you're just going to be you and there's going to be somebody else there you know what I mean and but and what's nice about that is you have somebody to lean on, you have someone to talk to, you have someone to help you. But that person is not going to change you in that every day is going to be fantastic. You know what I mean? And it is going to be difficult sometimes.

And that's the reality. But it is, but there are huge benefits to it. You know what I mean? But it's not going to be like that thing that commitment phobic people kind of think it is. And that's why you say it makes it unattainable because you're looking for a profession. It doesn't exist. And I think I know that in my head that this perfection doesn't exist and that maybe I'm doing it as some sort of defense mechanism. But what you want it when you fantasize or when you're not fantasizing and when you're talking about it in therapy or thinking about it in your mind in reality, right?

Like I know it's not going to change me and I know it's not going to like be the perfect thing. But like do you still want a companion for all those reasons? Like I said, it's someone to have sex with. It's someone to talk to at the end of the day. It's someone to be there. Desperately. Right. So, right.

So you even want, like, it's not like you have two parts of you, like one part of you that thinks it's like a, you know, that romanticizes it. But you do have a part of you that does have a need that wants it, even though you know it's not going to be perfect, right? Absolutely. And I think maybe this whole idea of romanticizing and idealizing is about being an excuse. Yeah. Like I'm really just a little kid scared that no one's going to love me. Yeah, for sure. And that you're not deserving.

I'm terrified of being rejected and that I'm not worthy of love. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And it's like, but you have like, to me when you have, like, I don't know, this is the way I've always felt it. And I don't know if you've experienced it this way, but as somebody that I had a lot of issues too, like I always felt I was like two people. You know what I mean? And there was like this little girl that had needs that I was denying. You know what I mean?

and like this other person that was like fucking shit up. You know what I mean? And then anytime I've ever tried to get things, like I said, like my baby, you know, it always, or anything that was good for me that came my way, I felt like I was like moving forward with like bricks on my back. It was always hard because the subconscious part of me, the part of me that was damaged, that would hold me back and sabotage, you know, and try so hard and want me to just stop that. And to avoid, like to deny that part of me was so difficult.

that's what I've had to do in every part of my life to get those great things. And I have a lot of things that are really great that were probably easy for other people, but for me very difficult. Do you know what I mean? But the only way they came to me was like, like I said, moving forward with like fucking 10 bricks on my back and not and not and just having to keep doing it, do you know what I mean, no matter what. And I think some people think, oh, when something happens that's not right,

then it's not meant to be. And that's like the worst thing you could think of. if you're people like us, right? Because you got to just keep going forward to get what you want, you know, because there will be a part of you, that little boy that thinks they're not deserving, that will want to fucking sabotage, that will want to run away, that will want to do everything to make yourself not have the things that you should have, right? And you're like, you only live once, you're only 41.

You could have a child. You could have a great relationship again. you had an it is in you you were a relationship person you had a relationship for eight years you do talk a lot about like the devastation and the ending of that because sometimes i feel like it's like unresolved like because you as much as you know that you survived it on some level you don't believe that you could deal with that again you know like that doesn't make sense logically right no but that's what's going on probably yeah right emotionally that feels true yeah right Like it, you know, it was so painful that I can't imagine surviving that again.

Right. Did you feel like at the time, no, I know, but did you feel at the time that you really sort of went through all the emotions that you were feeling at the time? So, and you sort of work through them? Or did you do what most people do? And this is why people walk around with so much fucking baggage when it comes to relationships, where you just pretend to, you were okay and went on with your life and all that shit is still like in there somewhere. And that's, it's all, you know, now it's like this massive fear that you have because maybe you didn't deal with emotions.

I think that's a bit of back and forth, back and forth. I think sometimes I would actively try and deal with it and feel it. And other times I run as fast and as far as I could away from it. Yeah, well, that's normal because, listen, you can't like sit home and cry every fucking day, right? Because like, you have to hear, you know, you're 20-something, you know, you got to live. life too right and it comes in waves and yeah exactly you got it comes in waves and that's good but i you know i do believe that like i read once in this book because i always like to sort of get over things and go through them so that i have as little baggage as possible you know and i remember reading some book and

it was very true he said like most people when they break up with somebody people tell them like no matter what you do like don't listen to a song that reminds you of them don't look at a picture that reminds you of them. Don't look at, you know, and that's what everyone's sort of thing is for you. Like, you know, you don't want to get upset, so just like avoid it. But what his thing was like, no, what you should do is the exact opposite. You should put, look at their pictures, listen to songs, do anything you can to evoke those feelings in you so you could bring them up, feel them, and release them. Because if you look at a picture of them and it makes you sad, it's not creating a feeling that's new of sadness. It's bringing out the sadness that you feel inside of you

and you need to release that. So what I would do after I read that is like I would be like a fucking psychopath. I would like there would be an ending of some psycho I was dating. And I'd bring up, I would torture every day. I'd put up all their pictures. I'd look until I could do it and have no feelings. And that's why I could be friends with all of them. I'd go to their fucking weddings.

I'm best friends with their new girls. I could care less about any of that stuff because, you know, I face all the sort of hurt and get it all out. until it's just it's done you know and I think what happens with most people and that's why like I have friends girlfriends that'll be like oh my god my ex-boyfriend's getting married and it's like you dated him like 20 fucking years ago like why don't you why do you still care so psychotic potential I can relate to that and at the same time you know I think I dodged a bullet in some way of course like you said you could look at it and know that in like know why it happened and what it was for

and everything that it was, you know what I mean? And it wouldn't have worked now. But what you need to do now in your life is get yourself prepared for moving forward. Do you know what I mean? Like, because you could have another, you know, this next relationship that you have could be the long-lasting one that you have everything for. Do you know what I mean? You just have to just.

It really could. Yeah, you just have to decide that you're going to have the fucking balls to take that chance again and know that even if like the rug is pulled from underneath you like you're willing to take that fucking risk because you know that even if that happens you will survive you have to like know that

honestly I think part of me is afraid of being rejected as though because I feel like my whole sort of sexuality is a bit broken yeah well that's the other part of it because you don't listen you're

you have to work on that and I don't don't know do you see the same therapist and psychiatrists like this through this whole time is it the same people um i've i've changed uh i've got a couple i've got my my psychotherapist yeah and a psychiatrist right because they prescribed the meds that's right yeah yeah changed psychiatrist a couple of times but i've got the i've had the last uh eight years with the therapist let me ask you this have you ever like with your therapist thought of like just trying to lower because listen the medication thing like besides your commitment issues with intimacy

and getting hard with like somebody that's like standing right in front of you that really likes you know that's a whole other issue but like you know the medication is definitely something that takes away the feeling of orgasms like I had a friend explained to me like that's exactly I'm going through it like sort of hormonally because I'm like old and like going through paramount and I was like talking to one day I'm like sometimes I have orgasms I don't even feel the moment of it's like numb She's like, that's exactly how I feel on my medication. And she has, like, bipolar and stuff. And I'm like, oh, that kind of makes sense, right?

Because it is, like, chemicals in your brain and, like, hormones. Women go through that because of hormones could change that, but also medication can, right? And so for sure, like, physically, like, no matter who you felt, like, that could happen to you. Like, you might not be able to overcome that unless maybe you lowered your medication or tried to get off a medication. Do you think that that's possible for you? Difficult question. I've tried a lot of different medications over the last 10 years. Actually, 13 years, God.

And some have been, like, I think I'm sort of on a really good combo, and I think part of me now is scared to fuck with what I've got. For sure, because you feel really good on it, right? Well, I don't feel really good, but I feel the best that I've felt. in 13 years. Okay. And the most stable I've been in 13 years. But let me ask you this.

Have other things in your life become more stable too? Do you like what do you? Yeah, they have. So do you think you feel more stable because your life is more stable or do you think it's a medication? Because. The whole chicken and egg argument. Yeah.

You know, which then, yeah, definitely. It's, I don't know whether my life has, you know, stable, like, become a bit more smoother because of the medications and I've been able to pursue what I want and have sort of reinforce that stability. Yeah, maybe. Or whether perhaps I've started exploring things and, you know, I start to feel a bit better and maybe the medication's secondary. I honestly do not know.

But maybe both of those things are true, right? Like maybe you needed the medication at the time to get your life more stable and with like, you know, just age comes like more stability, right? Come on. Like we, you know, you're a different person when you're in your 40. that when you're 20, you know, your feet hit the graph. I'm still a big kid. Right.

I'm still a different person, definitely. Yeah, so like maybe it was in the big, yeah, maybe in the beginning it was a medication, but now it's that your life is more stable, so you feel more stable. I just, this is my thing, and this could be, like I said, very bad, and people, maybe, if someone's a psychiatrist, is listening to this is, like, want to create a lawsuit against me, but like I just the thing I have with medication I think it's very good and it helps people and people need it at certain times but I feel like sometimes people that are on medications like nobody tells them or gives them sort of the information that maybe or gives them the credit that they could do life on their own like when was the last time that someone sort of told you or you told yourself that you could be a okay without that medication that you could maybe deal with your life on your own. Years and years.

Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I totally get it. And you're right that there's nowhere in my range of supports where this has actually come up as a topic of what would life be like if I wasn't on medication. Right, and that maybe you could deal with it. And I think sometimes people do people like that a disservice. I mean, I was on medication in high school and that was it. And in my older age, like I had panic attacks, anxiety, like so much stuff. But I just refused to go on medication.

And I really believe, and I quit alcohol. I had to quit drinking and go completely sober, you know, and deal with everything on my own. And, you know, I used to travel with like a Xanax. Someone gave me, like, because on a plane, like the minute they, like, the doors are closing and we can't get out of that. airplane like it's not the fly it's not I don't have a fear of crashing crashing I'm a fear of being fucking stuck in the tube on the tarmac like I would be like I'd start surrounded by strangers yeah I'd start like having a panic attack and but I wouldn't always have that pill to say like oh maybe I'll take it if so but I never did and like I think that not like sort of believing

in yourself and not sort of taking something and giving yourself the opportunity to prove to yourself that you could do it for yourself just enforces that and creates an inner strength that I believe everybody is capable of. I think that not everybody, okay, I think that there's like a, there's people out there that yeah, they're just totally fucking whacked that they need medication and it totally helps. But, you know, it makes sense why you were depressed when you were younger. There was a lot of things, you know, it makes sense that you were suicidal. And that's a scary place to be. I was there when I was 30 years old. I understand that. that's like something that is like, you know,

someone has to intervene or like you need help at that point. But, you know, maybe you don't, you know, you're okay now that you could do it. I lost my train of thought, but it's like. No, no, I could be going. Like, it's just, I guess part of me really scared of being back in that place where I'm. The darkness comes through. Well, not just the darkness, but also this disconnection from reality where

nothing's real and I can go off and do things when I feel like everything's fine but you know I'm actually breaking the law or I'm you know walking down the middle of the highway and don't realize that cars could heal you know keep me and kill me that's what you would do yeah look I've been in in hospital because I was not safe I've been in court because I broke the law what did you do I like I stole some money and it just didn't seem real So there's like a switch. Yeah, I'm probably wrong.

Maybe you really need medication. But, you know, at that time in my life, like, things were really, really fucking bad. And I think part of me is really just scared of what might happen if I tried to go without. I know, but couldn't you just try it? You can't just go back. I can't decrease. Right. There's nothing that says that I can't sort of taper down and see how it goes.

Yeah. Like, because listen, what's the worst that happens, okay? You lower it, decrease, lower decrease. I say have a goal of trying to get off of it and see how it goes. You have help. You have, you know what I mean? Have them watch you, watch yourself, right? You know, and it didn't have that.

Yeah, I didn't have that early on. Right. So that you're not going to escalate to the point where you're walking across the street to get hit by a car. You're going to know the signs before, right? Because this has happened to you. And you'll be talking to somebody on a weekly basis. So if it happens, you could, it's like that pill that I had in my bag. You know what I mean?

Knowing that it's available might be, I don't know. I don't know. It's like, you know, a scary sort of experiment. Yeah, I like the idea. I think it's, well, I would not try it because the sex that, the not having a feeling with the sex, and I know with those medications, because I had a girlfriend that was on it,

like she would have to take one medication and then the one that helped her with the feelings, but then another one to take off the weight because that one would make her fat, and then that one also made her not have feelings for sex, and then, you know what I mean? It was like... Oh, I'm like six different medications,

and it sucks. I'm overweight, but because of the medications, I just want to be... I know a lot of physical pain because of the back injury. Right. You know, it's like... Don't you want to live life again? Well, yeah, I've talked to my therapist about the sex stuff,

and it's something that's difficult to get any advice on. I had this, well, not an argument, but I had this discussion with my therapist about maybe going to a sex therapist. Yeah, uh-huh. It's like, well, you know, why would you go to a sex therapist when you've got me? Oh, God, you know, that's their ego. I'm sorry, but you know what really bothers me about is that's their ego getting in the way. Like they're thinking about themselves over you. And that's completely fucked up, right?

Because they should be helping you become, you know, the best. The best deals in sex. So, you know, my, I think what's going on with sex, it's only partly pharmaceutical. Yeah. I think it's partly the back injury. It's partly pharmaceutical and it's partly emotional. Yeah, you got the three. I forgot about the back thing because that.

that could have fucked up some of your nerves. Yeah, yeah. And again, I don't really know what, you know. But I really think if you take away, if you, you know, maybe a sex therapist could help. Why do you listen to your other therapist? You could go see a sex therapist. I mean, that person doesn't tell you what the fuck to do. Like, why you listen to it?

You know what I mean? Go see a sex therapist. Don't even tell them you're doing it. That's just the way that it is. What are they going to do, dump you? Like, I mean, that's, like, ridiculous. You know, maybe a sex therapist could really help you because, you know, if you're a sex therapist could really help you because, you know, if your therapist isn't, and, you know, I think

that sometimes I believe in like, maybe crazy stuff, people don't think this is like too far out there, but like mind-body stuff that I think like sometimes like things happen physically that helps keep us exactly where we feel our safest, right? Oh, totally. Right. A back injury and not being able to work. Like keep somebody from you who like at that point in your life like probably wanted to escape a lot of things and stay really safe in a really small world. You know, all that just like helped you go down that path, right?

That I believe that if you decided you wanted to fucking drastically change it all, you know, maybe these things wouldn't be as debilitating. You know what I'm saying? and maybe they would lift because they weren't serving you anymore, right? Well, you know, I'll just return to regular work for the first time in 13 years. You just did that recently? Yeah. That's huge. The last eight weeks so far.

Oh, I just got the chills. See, that's the kind of stuff that's the kind of stuff that puts a lot of shit into motion. Good stuff. And they've been great. You know, the workplace, they've been fantastic. My boss is amazing. Put like a whole well-being plan in place and encouraging me to work from home if I get one day where I'm, you know, full of pain and can't move. Oh, that's so great.

You know, totally. Just sit in bed with a laptop and work from home if I want to. And a lot of people do that nowadays. Let me ask you this. What happened to you? Like, what made you make that change to get a job and go into the workforce? Like, what was going on with you at that point? What was it that happened that you said, oh, I want to go back to work after all these years?

I've been doing bits and pieces, but it was all really, really sporadic. You know, doing a bit of guest speaking at universities to future health practitioners about mental health. Right. talking about, I guess, how occupational therapy is all about wellness through the sort of occupational identity. Right. So, you know, you latch onto something in your life that you want and you talk about goals and you pursue the idea of recovering from your illness through goal setting and goal achievement. Uh-huh. And so that's part of, you know, that was great, but it's always been like two or three days every few months.

Right. And I'd have this period for the last sort of four or five years where I'd get maybe one week a month of work. And that was really good because it gave me a variety and there was like six different places where I'd do this. Yeah. But nothing regular and nothing, no routine and no structure and no reliability or security. So when this opportunity came up, it was actually because of one of the other places I've been at. We did some really good sort of group research. And it sort of got some nice attention.

And we got a referral, you know, this other organisation approached the managers from that project and said, look, do any of the people who worked on your project? you have to want to come and work for us. Right. And so I got a call and I thought, well, let's just have a talk. And my boss is like, well, it can be as much or as little as you want. So you don't have to go full time if you don't think you're ready or you can go full time if you want to. And what did you?

And you chose full time? Oh, the moment I'm doing three days a week. But every week. Yes. but she's really flexible and she, you know, so for the next six months, try it out and just

try and find that sweet spot. And how good does it feel to be working again? Amazing. Right. You know, I don't feel like a lost little cripple anymore. Like I'd still hurt. It's, you know,

it's struggling with getting up at 6 a.m. to commute to work. And that, you know, this whole change of lifestyle, but it feels bloody great to feel that I've got this amazing purpose and I'm appreciated. And, you know, they hunted me. That's a great feeling. Do you feel like there was a part of you that was wanting to go back to work or something like? I know that that was all the stuff that was happening outside of you, but like inside of you, Did you feel like you were looking for change or wanting more?

And that's like how, you know what I'm saying? Like was there a change in you too around that time that you felt? Or did this seem to come out of nowhere? Oh, no, it's definitely been building for a while. Part of my fear was getting over that whole police check that comes from more regular employment. Yeah. And the fear of, okay, shit, what happens when that all comes out? Yeah.

So when we had this whole conversation, I just straight out told her before all that. Yeah. And she's like, dude, that's nothing. And you are not well at the time. So that's extra nothing. So, look, you know, she talked about her superior. And her superior's brother has been in out of jail, which is, I guess, more than up, done. Yeah.

But, you know, they've, it's a charitable organization. So they're all about giving people a chance and getting people back on their feet. Yeah, helping people. Yeah, yeah, that's sort of the purpose of their work. Yeah. So why wouldn't they treat their staff the same way? Mm-hmm. And so, you know, in the end, it was totally a non-thing.

They worked at all, right. It didn't matter at all. Mm-hmm. It didn't matter at all. I built up in my head to be of this massive barrier. right and they were like yeah so what but the fact that you brought it up and you talked about it and I just always think that people like situations come into your life when you're ready for them do you know what I mean yes yeah there's something that does jumps at you when when you're ready yeah when

you know the fact that you got to a place where you were finally like I want to be in a new phase of life you know what I mean this and you know and then what happens I think when you just really say that you're ready for it. Situations come to you that you couldn't even imagine, right? Like if you were to think five years ago that this situation that came to existed, you'd probably be like, it's too hard to believe because it's so perfect for you specifically. Right? I never thought I'd be back in the workforce.

I never thought I'd do that again. Right, because of your limitations. But look, you found a place that is dealing with them perfect. And I always tell people when they're sort of stuck and they're like, but I can't find something because this or that. I've always like, all you have to decide is that. you're just really ready for a fucking change and you just want to just

you know you're open to it like things will happen and come to you that you could have never imagined you know what I mean in situations stuff that you couldn't have thought up in your own head right that are just tailor made for you if you really want something I really believe that more than anything I've seen it in my life

I see it in people's life look at it playing out in your life and I think that with sex and relationships you could do the same right it just has to be that you're real ready that you really decide this is what you want to do and then you really have to go out and make that all happen and whatever comes up for you that you have to do that's uncomfortable you'll have to do it if that's going to see a therapist do you date or anything like do you go on day no look it's

it's um it's been years since i've even tried and you know what i was thinking is you're just talking then that it's that same pattern of having a few bad experiences and being scared to try again. Yeah, and you just have to keep trying. Like the relationship, like the work. You know, it's this whole thing I've been hurt before, so I'm scared to put myself out there. I haven't even tried to have sex in, you know, three or four years. And now when you say sex, do you just mean like your dick inside someone, or do you mean even a blow job of making out, like anything?

Wow. Anything. So do you just do a lot of jerking off? Like, when you jerk all yourself off, do you have feelings or no? Yeah, look, sometimes. I've got to be fairly rough, I guess, with myself. Right, but you can if you do. Yeah, sometimes. When was the last time you saw an escort?

Sorry, say again. When was the last time you saw an escort? Three and a half years, maybe four years. Wow. And like, do you feel like you're like, because you do, do you get horny or does it even take your drive away? It has taken a lot of the drive away. way. It has. Yeah, it has, but I do still get horny and otherwise I guess I wouldn't jerk off, but yeah, I do still get horny. And like I think I said in my email, I'm thinking of other ways,

you know, what other way can I explore to try and have an orgasm even with the limitations? Oh, right, you're pegging. I forgot about that. You thought maybe if someone fucks you in the ass, you're like you get some feeling. reading up about hagging and yeah it um i'm not really uh i'm not um homophobic i don't care about the idea of being thought of as as yeah gay just because something goes in your ass right uh-huh yeah yeah you know that um that sort of always confuse me this idea that um if you're with a woman then something goes in your ass that something is it it's so dumb right i'm always like like if a guy goes down on me and my snatch. Does that mean I'm a lesbian?

Like, that's what lesbians do. Like, it doesn't, it's like, it's about the person that you're with that, you know, it's not the act that you do. Have you ever put anything in your ass yourself at home? Oh, totally. And how does it feel better for you? Like, do you get more sensation for that? Absolutely.

Yeah. It does help. In fact, most of the time when I've reached school that, I've had a toy. Right. That's helped, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

And usually, it's a lot of thinking back to the first time that I had sex and the first time that I explored touching a girl. And it's thinking back to those sort of first moments of exploring things and thinking back to when it was all new and exciting. And, you know, that kind of taboo of, oh, my God, I'm touching someone's genitals. Yeah, yeah.

God, you know, that makes it really exciting for me in my head. Uh-huh. And I think that helps. For sure, yeah, you need that help because you have the sort of nerve damage probably and the medication stuff, right? So, but I really think that if you got, like, and I don't know if, like, it, like, a part of knowing your sexual dysfunction is a blockage for you let that you think, like, oh, if I met somebody, like, are they going to accept it?

But I really think, like, as a woman, like, the women would, if, like, you met a girl and she really liked you and you were like straight up like listen I had this back thing and like so for me I get really horny but it's hard for me to come like this like I mean I mean I think the girl would be totally fine with that like for real do you know what I mean like an accommodating uh and understanding that you know you could bring that into a relationship it's not so out there you know what I'm like you're not saying I want to go fuck a guy and have him fuck me in the ass and you need to deal with it you know like so that's harder to find a girl that's going to be excited that's going to be excited accepting of that if you're like you need that. But what you would just be asking a woman is that, you know, you would bring a toy, like you said, into your guy's relationship and that would help you. And I think that the right woman that really cared about you would be totally fine with that. I guess I can't tell you the number of times I have been on apps like Tinder or...

Whatever, yeah. You've called RSVP. You know, it's all online dating. basically and I oh no I did go on a date about two years ago there we go and you know we've been talking for a while

beforehand and we finally met up for dinner and just sort of unfortunately came out halfway through that she was a hard line militant vegetarian who went on marches and protests at at artoires and

Like, you know, had been to jail for changing herself to places. Oh, my God. Yeah, whatever. Okay. Next. And that was sort of a bit of a revelation, and that gave me a bit of a shock. So that didn't work out. But, yeah, I haven't.

But you were going to say, I can't tell you how many times I've been on those apps, right? What were you going to say? You didn't finish that statement. Oh, just the fact that I try and then I withdraw. Right. So you go on, you see some people, and then you're just like, forget it. Yeah. You might, listen, now that you're out and about, and I suggest for you, you know, to go into work as much as possible. You know what I mean? More so than stay home. Like, force yourself as much as you can to go actually into work than stay home.

But it's amazing that you have the option, right, because you do sometimes have to go. But, I mean, listen. I think I've only stayed home like twice. Yeah. I don't feel like it's real work. Yeah, and it feels good to get out of the house, right? Yeah, it does, absolutely. At the end of your day, you feel good about yourself because you accomplish something and you got something done, you know. And I just think that with somebody, I hate dating too, okay?

And I don't know that, like, you know, when you really decide that you really want to do it and you're ready to do all the work that you're going to have to do to have a relationship and be uncomfortable and put yourself afield, fucking all the things you're going to have and, like, really want it, like, I just think you're going to meet somebody. Like you could meet somebody at work. Like, you know, it is good to start dating because it just puts it out there that that's what you're doing and you're available and going on dates helps.

But a lot of times, like some people just meet somebody at a fucking coffee shop, you know, in that time. You just have to like sort of put that light on and decide that that's what you want to do, you know. And when I say do it, I mean like the good, the bad and the ugly, right? Not just like the fantasy of it. Oh, I'm going to meet the perfect person tomorrow. It's that I'm going to. On the first time. Yeah, I'm going to go out there and I'm going to date.

And no matter how about it is, I'm just going to keep going. You know what I mean? Because my goal is to get married again. And do you want kids? I've loved to have kids. Yeah, I think that would really help you, especially with the whole twin thing and your other child. Like, I don't know. I think that could be really healing for you.

And having a child, like, as somebody that didn't have one and has one now, it is like if it's something that you want. Listen, some people are important. with the desire to have one and I totally understand that but I always wanted a child okay and you know I think if you wanted it's like it will change your life and be the the greatest thing you've ever experienced in your life like that you have to do it and you're young for a guy 41 is still super young like it doesn't matter you can oh I don't do young well but you are and you could have a baby at any time so you're fine with having a baby and I think you know if you want those

things you got a you got you're now is the time to start saying to yourself that you could have those two when you deserve those two and I think as a man like a man out of work I always say this because like men are sort of judged by their self-worth by like how much money they have like what they get accomplished by their work life right women are judged by how they look so I'm always like a guy out of work is like a girl that has like zits all over her face and is like overweight you know it's like that's the same kind of feeling and a girl that has zits on her face and is overweight doesn't feel like like she wants to go out and meet somebody. She doesn't feel good about herself, right?

But if she lost that way... I've got to tell you that whole self-worth. Yeah. It's changed a bit with... Because you're working, right? So I think that you not working probably didn't help you when you went on... Like, you didn't feel like enough of a man on some level, right? And I'm just because of your situation, right?

But this is going to make you feel better about yourself because you are... It's like the girl lost the way. and her skin got clear, you know what I mean? And now she's hot and she could go out and find a guy. You know, now you're working again. You're doing what you got to do. Like, I think that you will be different on dates and out there with women, and it will help you, you know.

I feel like a little bit, it's a bit like fitting into mainstream society a bit more. Yeah. Like it's a bit easier to be, get part of it. those first impressions. Because I think that's the biggest barrier to meeting someone who's getting past that first impression. Once you get past that first step, you know, start building a bit of rapport and getting to know one another, it becomes much easier to accept each other as the people we are.

Right. You know, with all laws and... Yes. And our history. Yeah, it's getting past that first step, though. You know, it's so easy to get judged and rejected just based on that. that initial superficial judgment. Yeah, totally.

And I think that's part of the problem that's being sort of reinforced by these apps where it's all appearance-based. And you can easily accept or reject just by swapping your finger. And it just reinforces the idea that, you know, we can't get to know people without being, having a facilitator. It's like we need the Jewish matchmaker to come in and, Yeah, yeah, totally. Introduce people in real life because I'm always like,

it's not like you're going out and buying a thing, a toothpaste, like it's a person. And I think of like exactly what you just said when I'm like watching TV and I love reality TV, you know, so I'm like watching the real houses and I'm just like looking at their husbands and I'm like, their fucking husband's hot and like, like, I think they're good. But I think like if I were to see them without talking, without walking, without any of their stuff that I know,

if I would have seen them, their face on an app, I would have swiped. You know what I mean? Like, you can't get something from just a picture than what you get. You know what I mean? And I think of that sometimes because I'm terrible at dating and I don't like that. And I believe, like, when I'm ready for a relationship, like, I'll meet somebody. Like, that's when I really want relationships in my life, that's how it works. I meet someone at the jet.

Like, I don't know. I fucking hate that. Like, that dating thing doesn't work. I was, that girl that has a work for you, that is she single? I don't know why. The girl that you talk to at work, is she your boss? Is she young and hot by any chance? Yeah, she's about my age and she's amazing.

I don't know why, and sometimes I make predictions. I don't know why I brought that up or why I said it, but let's just put that out there. Like, you know, you might meet somebody at work. Like, you know, I think you could start doing the dating thing, but I think you just have to. start open it and like saying in your mind that you're really ready and looking around when you're

walking on the street for girls when you go into the store for you know at work and just really be like really super available and people smell that from a mile away and maybe go on some dates and maybe you will meet the person on a dating app people do that all the time and it happens like for real you know what I mean for real yeah yeah so I think you should do it that wouldn't exist yeah yeah and it does work so do it all But you might not, you might wind up meeting. So like that girl you're telling me about, you and her can wind up together. You don't know because sometimes like I do believe that there's somebody for everybody.

And it doesn't matter what kind of limitations you have or what kind of phobias you have. If you really want somebody, somebody will show up in your life that will or a situation will work that works with your stuff. Do you know what I mean? And somebody like you that has a fear and that is afraid. Like, you know, maybe you're going to have to be friends with somebody first, you know, and that would really help you. You know, like, I don't know, but like if you're really ready for a relationship, it'll work out for you in the way that it will work with your shit. Do you understand that?

So maybe somebody at work that you know for a while and then it turns into something, like maybe something like that will happen for you. Who knows, you know? But I do believe that it can happen. It's just a matter of you deciding that you're really ready. And then the sex stuff will come with it. And I really think you could work with that, with your partner, you know?

It certainly seems a lot more possible now, but I guess my sphere is opening up and I'm less isolated. Yes. I'm getting out to the world more, and I'm, you know, I'm meeting more people just because I'm going to work every day. Yes, you're finally living a life again.

Yeah, totally. You know what I mean? Listen, I don't know if you know this, but you're going to die, like for real. Like, we all die. Like, I think people don't think. of this like for real like you're just gonna fucking die like we are alive now now is the fucking time do you understand like it's like you don't have another 20 years to waste

right like you've our second chances it's all just now it's right now you know and I think it's so great that you just like it now is the right time for you you're not somebody that I'm talking to that hasn't even started to make the change and just thinking about it like you've already done it I said this is someone just just the other day. It's like dominoes. You press one and like all the rest start to move, you know. I think going back to work was the domino.

You going back to work is just, is going to, is changing, is going to change everything. Do you know what I mean? And it's in motion. And I think that that's like a really exciting, amazing place for somebody like you to be in because you've been not really living a full life for a really long time. Yeah. And you're not 61, you're 41. So that's super young still, and Guyland especially.

What were you going to say? There are still being challenges. Like it's a massive change and it's hard sometimes. Duh, that's what we talked about. We're not in fantasy land here. We're talking about fucking reality, people. In reality, none of these things are perfect. But it is amazing and just regular at the same time.

Do you know what I'm saying? No, these things are perfect. Come on. You're hitting my life. No. But it is amazing. Like I said, it's amazing where you're at. But like you said, it's not without it struggles.

But anyone that has anything in their life has struggles. The difference between them and the people that are too afraid to fucking get those things is that they're okay with the struggles. They know that it doesn't mean anything. They deal with them and they know that like, you know, the next day they could be happy and the next day they'll be a struggle. Then the next day it'll be okay. You know what I mean? That's the way real life goes. You know, and if you, you could ride that wave and you know that that's okay, that's fine.

The people that live in fear and they want to, like, when I was wanting to have a baby and do it the way that I was, there were so many people that said to me, like, what if this happens? And what if that happens? And what if this time? You know, you know, those people. And those are the people that never changed your life. And it's like, yeah, a million fucking things happened. And even crazier things than people could have ever imagined happened.

But it didn't matter. I still have my baby. And if I would have ever stopped for any of the things that happened or the thoughts that people said, I wouldn't have like what I have now, which is like the greatest thing in my life. Like it's like the love of my life, the first time. And it's like for somebody like you that has a lot of stuff and I always felt like my child would be really healing for me. And it really has. And I really think it's because it really is unconditional love and it is very different from than something that you could get from someone that you just partner up with, you know, that I.

I think it's really good and, you know, you really need a partner because you would do really well having a whole family and having kids. It's a bit terrifying, but, you know. Yeah. Yeah, but that's okay. You got to face your fears. That's what you got to fucking do. I could live in fear the rest of my life and be on my deathbed thinking what if only, if only. Imagine?

That's what you don't want to do. I always think of my death bed. That's what was, I always said, if I didn't have a baby on my death bed, I would regret that. So for me, that was like the reason why I had to do it, and there was no, you know,

so for you on your deathbed, if you're there, and you never had a real relationship again with somebody and you never had a child, like, wouldn't you regret that? Hell yes. Yeah, so you got to start fucking now. I really think if you really make it

your goal, like you got the job and that's like moving. If you really decide you want a partner, the baby's going to come with the partner. That's going to happen right with that. Yeah. So you just want companionship in your life. I swear to you, I know that within six months to a year, you will meet somebody. That's my prediction. It really is just you deciding that that's the next thing you want and deserve in your life and you're going to fucking have it.

And you will deal with the stuff that comes with it. yeah look it certainly seems a lot more possible now that the move whereas before it just seemed impossible and the sex is going to come with it okay like all the sex stuff like I mean it's like that's a physical sort of manifestation of all these other things right but I think if you decide you're on a relationship and you met someone that you really liked like maybe you'd have more feelings down there you don't know you have open that yourself up to it you have to try it they can help me explore what the limits what my limits are i didn't even know what my limits are with another person exactly i've been so

closed off totally and if you have to get fucked in the ass you she'll do it for you who cares do you know i don't know yeah yeah you don't know but i do believe that you could if you ever have doubts that a woman would be okay with that stuff listen you're not going to tell her that on your first date you don't even tell her that on your second date you don't even tell her that on your second date You know what I mean? When you really feel comfortable with someone, you explain that to him. I really don't think that that's like, if I met a guy that I really liked and he was, you know, especially when you're older and you know that it's hard to find people that you actually really like, you know, if you do meet someone you really like and they have this kind of thing and they're like physically like they need something more because of something that happened, like that big fucking deal. You know what I mean? First of all, sex isn't everything in a relationship.

And if it's workable and you could do it and it's still intimate and it's, it's still intimate and it's. It's like, like I said, it's not like you want to go out with other people. No. A girl would be fine with it. It's not something that you have to be worried that, like, a girl wouldn't be able to deal with if she really liked you. That's not as though I'm going all 50 shades of gray. Yeah, you're not. I have some guys calling in here that are by and they do want to fuck other guys and they want their girl.

And, like, listen, there's somebody for everyone and I try, you know, and I say, like, it's not like every girl is going to like that, but there'll be, you got to find somebody that will. and there will be somebody. But for you, you're not, what you would be putting on a woman isn't really that big of a deal. Any girl that really wind up liking you would be totally fine with it. It's just to make it work.

It's not a big, it's not a deal breaker. Isn't it funny? I've thought for so long that the whole thing is such a barrier. Of course. That kept you away. Probably from trying. Yeah, that was like the perfect thing.

Like I said, the back, problem was perfect. What a perfect thing to happen to somebody that doesn't want to fucking deal with people because people disappointed him his whole life. Yeah. Right? How convenient.

How perfect. Yeah, you're right. Things come into your life because whether it reinforces what you already wanted or it gives you an excuse to give into the fear. But the same way that came into your life, brought into this job, you know what I mean?

You brought this in as well because you were on some level. That's why when I kept saying like what was going on with you, on some level there was a shift. You wanted to get back out there before it happened. You know what I mean? Like it for real, like something was going on with you. And you attracted that. So like I said,

the shift in your relationships and that happens. Once that clicks in, that's something's going to present itself to you. too in the positive right we could entract negatives we can attract positives but and i think that you're there it's not that hard for you like you're already started it do you know what i mean i think it's like it's already on its way for you know and i think especially you were a relationship person like i kind of like a free spirit it's like i really like being alone like you know you were like a You had a relationship for eight years at one time.

Like, you really like that. Like, that's a part of who you were, that you haven't been able to sort of experience again. And that part of you needs to have what it wants. You have to do that for you. It's, I feel like I need that connection. As much as I'm scared of opening up and being vulnerable, I still really want it. Yeah.

And you deserve it. partly prepare myself for the idea that, you know, that idealistic, romanticized perfection won't necessarily happen and that there'll be good

and bad experiences from day one. Yeah, and that's hard, but if you stay, because those things will come up. Like, I don't have a boyfriend right now, but I have a nanny

that helps me with my baby because I'm a single mom, right? And, like, I always tell my sister, I'm like, it's kind of like what a relationship would be.

Like, I need her so much. And I really, need her in my life but sometimes she fucking aggravates the fuck out of me right and I want to like fire her or tell her to fuck off but like I really need her and I don't want her to go and then I don't I don't sabotage anymore

that's not what I do I'm like but this is like what I'm going to have to do one day when I meet a guy I like right like you just like it's a whole part of it it's just like there's nobody perfect and sometimes that's really hard to accept especially when we're people that were you know had these kind of things that happened when you're younger you know but if you stay in therapy

which you'll really need if you get a relationship. You know what I mean? It'll really help you talk through those little moments where you just want to fucking throw in the towel. Do you know what I mean? Especially in the beginning when you're establishing the relationship. So you don't sabotage because so much of the stuff that happens with people that have commitment issues is subconscious

and it's sabotage and it's the part of you that doesn't believe you deserve it, that it keeps you away from the things that you want. So it's you against you, you know? And if you can have help, in a therapist that helps you realize, you know, and helps you keep that relationship going. For me, I don't have a therapist right now, but I have my sister, and she always talks me down from the cliff with my nanny. You know what I mean? Like, because it's like I have that thing too where I want things to be perfect, you know,

but like it's like there won't be somebody. But you'll have help with that and you'll be talking through it and that can't stop you from meeting the right person. And you're going to find that person. I guess it doesn't help on some level that, you know, know, in the media and all the advertising all around us every day is, you know, advertising perfection on this idea. Oh my God. What about these fucking shows where people get married after six weeks?

It's such a joke. I can't believe it. It's a, it all is fantasy. Yeah, but why are those younger people are killing themselves off more than anybody? It's a terrible, crazy thing. But forget about society. Let's just talk about you, like I said, because I got to wrap this up. But like I said, this is, like, you.

you're no matter, it doesn't matter what society is saying, no matter what's it, like, you're in a change in your life. You are, and things are going to looking up, and you're going to have a relationship, and it's, like I said, it might not be so, like the way it happens for everybody else right now, it might be, like I said, you just meet someone at work like that girl. Who knows? That's good. You know, that's a good thing.

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like things are definitely shifting in a good way. They are. They are. And that makes everything possible again. which is going to start along. And look, and I think even you wanting to call into my podcast

and talk about things is like, you know, very balzy. You're putting stuff out there. And that's like a really good thing. And I don't know if like this conversation was what you thought it was going to be. I don't know where you wanted to go with this. But this are my favorite kinds of conversation because I think this is the kind of shit that life is about. Like I love watching biographies because I love these kind of moments.

I love the bad moments and the life-changing moments because those are the moments where people really grow and change. You know what I mean? And like you're coming out of like this really dark place and a really bad place and into a place that's good. And that's like a part of life. And I think that it's great and it's good to see you on the upswing. And I need to be kept posted about this because I gave you some predictions on this call. Something about that girl. Something about that girl you're dealing with at work and a relationship within six months to a year. You have to tell me if I'm right. So. Oh, I will. I have to keep in touch.

Yeah. I love the idea of this, you know, I don't know what I had in mind about what this was going to be. Yeah. But I love that just went out to explore everything. And I hope that other people listen to this and can relate to the fact that it's just real life. Yes. Whether they can feel some of it or all of it or whatever and maybe feel better about the idea that possible, you know, things can become possible again. Yes.

That's why I love, I know a lot of people. people that have this same problem. I think it's very, it's more common than people would think, you know. So I think there will be a lot of, and most people find my podcast because they're Googling for things, certain specific things, you know. And so I think a lot of people will listen to this podcast. And I, like, you hope that they will so that they could learn from it too, because I think a lot of the stuff applies to a lot of people and a lot of people could use this kind of pep talk.

And they could, and it's like a really, what I love is stories like this where the person has, Like you don't just see the bad part of the stuff that happens. Like you're seeing like how you're coming out of it too, you know. So that gives somebody else hope that they can. You know, everybody's at different parts of this stage. Like if I talk to you two years ago, it would have been a different call, you know. But it's nice to see that I love where you're at right now because it's like, you know, you're changing into something completely different.

And that's really great. And I'm really happy for you. And I think you're going to get a lot more and everything's going to fall into place with you. It just got to give it time. But, you know, keep me posted. And when you start to have a relationship, let's have another phone call. Sure. Sounds good to me.

Okay. And go get yourself a sex therapist if you want. Don't listen to that other person. Just fucking do it. Yeah, well, you know, I've got someone in mind. Good. Go see that person. I try it out.

Yeah, you should. Because I think that will give you more confidence, too. You know what I mean? It's all just going to help. Yeah, it is. It's just going to make you feel like you're fucking working on your shit. And it's going to make you feel more stable and secure. and that's what you got to do for you.

Asset the control? Yeah. Give me a sense of control over it rather than feeling like a victim. That you're just waiting for it to solve on its own like you're doing something about it. So it's really, I think if you have someone in mind, go see that person. Go make that appointment. Okay. Nice.

Okay. Thanks so much for calling in all the way from Australia. I love that your accent. Thank you very much. Bye. Bye. Thank you very much. Bye, Peter.

Bye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show.

Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being. girl story. Like I said, 17 stories, and they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person, and I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse Letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories.

17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two. and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other and that's what you get to do there. You can post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot

of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private. Like I said, all you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me. at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at Gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.

This is the Strictly Anonymous Podcast.