Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 296 - Lee's Secret Life as a Bisexual Crossdresser

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Lee calls in to talk about his secret life as a bisexual crossdresser and how it's effected his marriage. How long has he been bisexual and how far has he gone with men? When did he realize he was into crossdressing and has he ever crossdressed in front of anyone? How much of his secret life does his wife know about and how did she react when she found out? Tune in to find out plus hear all about the time his wife busted him and how they got past it, how he was raped numerous times when he was younger and how it effected him, the toxic relationships his was in before he met his wife and a whole lot more.  Bonus: if you want to reach out to him after listening to his episode, you can email him at [e-mail] **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Santa Port or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Is your real problems? Does your friend know that you're banging her or no? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to rehire. your wips and chain.

Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the Strictly Anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous. If you want to be in my show, this is a call an advice show where I give people unprofessional advice. Actually, it's like anonymous therapy, right? That's what this call is.

It's definitely anonymous therapy. but I don't just listen to people's problems and give them advice. I actually listen to people talking about their secret lives, their interesting lives, like any of that kind of stuff, you want to be on the show. Send me an email at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com or go to strictly anonymouspodcast.com and click on Be on the Show.

If you could write a review, did I say that, and subscribe to my show? Yeah. Today I'm having a guy named Lee. And like I said, I definitely gave him some therapy. He's got a really fucking interesting story. And there's a lot of stuff in this podcast. It's a lot. It's like starts, there's like shit that went down when he was younger, that he

repressed, and then he remembered it, and there was like rape involved with guys, and he's bisexual, and he lives a secret life that his wife doesn't know about it, and he's into cross-dressing, and he's got issues with a lot of stuff, but he's been in a lot of therapy, and he's come a long way, and that's what I, I like stories like that, because it's not like he's just stuck in this problem. He's resolved a lot of things, and he's definitely at a point where he wants to sort of be all of who he is, that cross-dressing and that bisexual side of him, he wants to sort of come in to his own and be one with that because that's like a secret thing and he doesn't live that out. And so for right now, he lives it out just online secretly behind his waistback.

And he's doing what other guys have done on my show recently. It's become like the new thing where he's given his email outs for guys. He likes to, he doesn't meet guys and person. He doesn't do that behind his wife back. What he does is he plays online on cam and online and talking to people and shit. And he's looking for men, women, couples, anyone that's looking. He's into cross-dressing. He's into guys. He's into couples watching. He's into all that kind of stuff. So if you're interested in that after listening to him, you could send him an email. And his email is hubby, the number two. And then the letter A, B-B-B-W at Yahoo. So that's H-U-B-B-Y-2. A, B, B, W at Yahoo.

I'm telling you, I said this on the podcast with him. Like, this is becoming like the Craigslist because of like whatever. Because like Craigslist doesn't exist anymore. But like now people are like hooking up through my show. I never thought of it as a way to do stuff like as a place for that. But it is a good idea. People are getting tons of emails from these shoutouts and people are connecting. And it's like keeping some people away from like actually going out and living it in real life and like cheating on their wives.

So, you know, maybe it's a good thing. So like I said, his email will be in the intro. He also gives it at the end, and I just gave it to you. So if you're interested, email him. But for now, sit back, relax, and listen to his story. His name is Lee. I'll be right back on with Lee. How you doing today?

I am good. How are you? I'm good. So you sent me, I think, in all of the history of me doing my show and all the emails that I've gotten over the four years, I think you sent me the longest effing email I ever got in my life about your story. And I didn't read it because I was like, I personally, I like to get on the call and not know anything, right? Because if I know everything, then I'm like acting when I'm asking questions, I just like to just sort of wing it.

Less information is better, right? So I don't really know much, even though you gave me all of your info, right? So you're going to have to like start at the beginning. I know that a couple things about you because we spoke a little earlier. But why don't you get into the whole story about why you're calling in? Because I know that it's mixed. There's a lot of secret life stuff going on. Maybe you need a little bit of advice.

There's like a double life going on, right? Like. Yeah, no, there's there's a lot of stuff going on. So to start, I am, I married. I'm just, you know, your regular guy, you know, even church-going guy. That's what people think you're very regular, right? Right. But, no, in reality, you know, I have a secret that, you know, I've been carrying with me and a very few people know, a couple counselors that I've seen, you know, in recent years.

And then just random people that I become friends with online. So I am bisexual and I am also a cross-dresser. And neither one of those things your wife knows. No. Well, the cross-dressing may be, and I'll get to it. Okay. It gets a little tricky. But, you know, just to, you know, to give you a little bit of a background, you know, I have recollections as a kid, you know, looking at, you know, boys' clothes and being like, oh, you know, those are cool, tenacious.

shoes, you know, a cool, you know, sports jersey, but I would also look at, you know, girls and women's shoes and stuff like, oh, I like that skirt. I like those sandals. And, you know, that was always with me. And then, you know, I went through some crap as a, as a young kid. And I was sexually abused by older kids and stuff that I forgot for a long time. Oh, wow. But, but as a teenager, you know, I moved. moved right at beginning of middle school. So that was tough. And you know, your hormones are, you know, coming out through my years and I'm, you know,

horny all the time and I would get online and, you know, look at porn and stuff. And sometimes I would find myself looking at gay porn or going into gay chat rooms. And then I would get off and then I would feel like super ashamed and all that. And because we had moved to a much smaller city, it's a lot safer than where I lived. My parents started leaving me alone a lot, so I would stay alone, and then I started braiding my mom's closet and trying on different clothes. But that always came out with a lot of shame afterwards. Let me ask you this. When you did the clothes, like, was it a sexual thing, too?

Like, did you jerk off while you were wearing your clothes? Or were you just trying it on, and then when you were done, you felt guilty about it? Um, I would do both. Um, you know, there were times that it would be, you know, a, a sexual thing, but there are times that it was, you know, I would just try it on and, you know, walk around the house. Um, you know, and at the time, um, I was confused with my sexuality. Right. Because, yeah, I would be attracted to, you know, guy on guy porn.

Uh, you know, I would fantasize about, uh, man. not finesse about women. But I could never see myself, until this day, I still cannot see myself romantically with a man, only with a woman. But my family, especially on my dad's side of the family, there's a bunch of bigot assholes in there. And, you know, I had the fear of being gay and then being, you know, disowned or whatever. Of course, right. How old are you, by the way?

I am 36. Okay. and so oh yeah i left something out i am actually i'm not american i'm i was born and raised somewhere in south america oh and that's when you moved you mean did you move like to another country when you were in high school or did you move here when you were little no i moved i moved here to the u.s to go to college oh okay so this is when you moved you were still in south america yeah i was so it's even worse over there right the whole machismo thing and like right i mean compared to the U.S.?

Yes, big time. You know, it was, you know, I grew up hearing all sorts of, you know, homophobic slurs and all sorts of shit. That, you know, looking back, you know, I'm like, holy crap, no, that was bad. But, you know, kind of fast forward to right as I'm about to come to the U.S. about 18 years ago. Man, I'm old. But, you know, I sort of did eating a girl that at first I was like, hey, you know, this could be good.

And he was long distance. At the time, I was, you know, I was carrying a lot of hidden scars that I did not realize were there. All that, all the molesting and all that stuff, right? Yeah. And I did not know, you know, that anybody would actually be interested. in me or much less love me. So this girl gave me some attention. She was cute.

And so I was a long-distance relationship with her. And I was with her, you know, I would only see her really be with her four months out of the year whenever it was a school break here in the U.S. Let me ask you a quick question, though, because you're 18 at this point, right? We jumped ahead. Did you lose your virginity with either men or women before this point, or was this the first time you started to, like, actually have sex with somebody? So technically I lost my virginity with two older boys when I was, you know, six when I was molested and all that.

But no, I mean, like, because we're going to get to that, right? Because I want to know, like, when you sort of, you realize that, right? Because at this point, you're 18, you don't know, like, all those stuff is repressed, right? You didn't, that, those memories, you didn't have them yet, right? Right. No, I didn't. And I lost my virginity of 19 to this girl who was also, you know, a virgin. Right.

But before that you hadn't like, you hadn't fooled around with guys, right? You hadn't sort of went there as well either, right? Neither girls nor guys. You hadn't like purposely fooled around with someone, right? No, no, I had not. Okay, cool. You know, I joked that I had no game at the time. Right.

Well, like you said, you had a lot of baggage. Like you had to, when that kind of stuff happens to you and even, and it's repressed, like, it comes out in a lot of ways. And one of them is like you have very low self-esteem, you know? And so, you know, it would make sense that you would be, and that shit comes out, especially when you're in relationships with other people. You know what I mean? Like, that's where that kind of thing is the spotlight. It brings it up, you know, right? So you're with that girl.

You lose your virginity to her. You have a long-distance relationship with her, right? Yeah. And, you know, started seeing some signs of it becoming an abusive relationship from her side. She would say things like, no, we don't have to, you know, talk to each other every day or even every other day. We're going to have time to miss each other. You know, just like I was super attached and if she was at first and then she started kind of pulling away. Oh, yeah, that fucking dance.

Yeah, and you probably, that's what you, that's like what your thing, right? That's probably what you chose. You know, on some level, that's that dysfunctional relationship that happens between, you know, dysfunctional people. I was you in the relationship. I know your side and I was also her. Like, you know, and sometimes you could flip, right? Like, you could be bold people. But so in this situation, you were running towards her and she was running away.

Yeah. And, you know, she would say flat out. I'm PMSing so I'm going to be a bitch to you just deal with it Right And you know She had all sorts of things like that

And you know when I was Away from her I would look at porn You know I would jerk off to straight porn Gay porn You know orgies gang bangs Everything

And then one time One night I was with her And I don't remember What we were watching And I think it was something like, you know, law and order, something along those lines, that they were talking about

kids that were, you know, sexually abused and all that. And out of the blue, like her and I are watching TV late and I under the covers. And I'm watching that. And then all shit came out. No way. I'm like, I'm like, well, you just, like, you started remembering things? Uh-huh.

Wow. Right next to her. And she's like, And what did it come to you? I'm just curious about this because I've heard, I know a lot about repression. You know, it's like, I feel like there's a lot of people walking around that feel like, oh, there probably something happened to me, but I don't know what it is. And I've never yet, I don't feel like ever.

And I've read about it, but I've spoken to somebody that actually had those memories come back. Either they have them or they're repressed, but I've never really spoke with them where they actually came back. But I know that that happened. So something triggered in you? And then was it like you saw it in your mind's eye? yes and and I had one small memory of it and I don't know if I can say it because it happened when I was a kid so you tell me if I can say it or not of course you can why couldn't you

say it yeah I've been going through counseling for so long now yeah that I can talk about all my shit okay so four years before that I had a recollection of being at this preschool and it was someone's birthday party or something. And there were like these two older boys. And I remember being in the main room of the place. It was kind of like a house that you converted to a school. Yeah. And I'm just sitting there, you know, walking around a little bit kind of, you know, upset.

I knew that I was upset. And I remember one of the boys coming over to me. and all that I remember was my penis sticking out of my zipper and this boy leaking his finger then leaking the hand of my penis then leaking his finger just doing that over and over that's all I remember okay so when that came back I was like holy crap this was the aftermath you know because I didn't it all came back so what like actual like everything that was going on with those boys and all that stuff that they were doing oh my god that's hardcore did you talk about it with her? Like, because

or do you keep it in your head? Like, what did you do? So you came out, you know, she's like, are you okay? Because I started I started sweating. And then I started getting a little shaky. She's like, hey,

are you okay? And I'm like, no, no, I'm not. And she's like, what's wrong? What's wrong? I don't even know how to say it. Yeah. So I told her, Um, you know, and it came out more like I was vomiting the worst because it all came out all at once. And then I remember the look in her face was like, uh, kind of like feeling sorry, but at the same time, like, I wish you hadn't told me that. You know, she didn't say it. Yeah.

But I knew that, you know, she was definitely, uh, you know, feeling that, uh, you know, feeling that way. So, you know, that happened. Our relationship just, you know, kept getting worse. Our sex was not good. You know, she was super vanilla to give an idea. She would only give me a blowjob with a condom on. Oh, wow. She might have been, that's a little weird. Yeah. I always think, like, someone's a hooker that does that, like, because that's like what hookers do. And see what I mean, that's like a professional. I don't know. I don't know any like normal girl that ever does that. It's weird. She might have had her own molesting things going on as well. Yeah, you never know. But the sex was bad. And, you know, we had no chemistry with each other. And there would be a lot of times that, you know, I would just get off too quick.

You know, probably because we had no chemistry, I was too quick on the trigger. And I had, and I I thought I was like, holy shit, what's wrong with me? Right, right. And she would berate me. You know, she was like, what's the point of us even having sex? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Whatever, yeah. And I'm like, she's young, you're young.

This is like, you know, people are assholes when they're younger. Yes, big time. And so I'm like, damn, you know. And I was, you know, already felt bad about myself and I felt even worse. And she was doing things like, you know, I don't like the music you hear. I don't like your hair cut, you know, you should change this, change. that really changed me. And so, you know, it was not good.

And then at some point, her and her family moved away from where I came from, they moved to a different state. And I decided that, you know, hey, this is the only girl that will ever love me and have me. So I'm going to have an even more complicated long-distance relationship. So every time that I will go back to my home country, I would spend one week in my hometown and one week at her house. Okay. And then one of the times that I was, sorry, this one is stuff, that I was home, I went out with the buddy,

and he and I are just hanging out, you know, at a bar. A lot of kids our age and kids from our school used to go there. You know, so there's a lot of kids that graduate of high school with us, then we will go and meet there and all. So one night, sorry, I don't mean to get. Don't take your time. So one night, I was raped again. Okay, this is when you're like 18, 19 years old. From someone you know?

So, no, it was not. So what happened was I woke up the next day in my car on the side of the road, kind of away from the city a little bit. And I was, you know, I was driving my mom's kind of a mini van hybrid. And I was in the back, naked. My clothes were like very neatly folded next to me. And I was like, what the fuck just happened, you know? And I woke up and I could tell that like, you know, I had...

Something I've been inside you or something. Of course, right? Like you could feel it. Yeah. Right. I got it. Mm-hmm. And I had, you know, like, there's no better way to put out of dry comb all over my chest and face and all that. So I'm like, holy crap.

You know, I woke up, I panicked. The sun was, you know, coming up. So I was like, no, I got to drive home before my parents see me. I need to jump in the shower. And I remember coming home, like, it's all a blur, you know, and I was like, I don't remember anything to happen. Let me ask you this, though. Were you drinking and did you black out? Is that what happened? So I think that they roofied me. Oh, okay. And, And it's really fucked up because all the, you know, I had some of these desires.

I had some of these, you know, thoughts about me in, but, you know, waking up and saying, like, okay, somebody has been inside me. And holy shit, you know, I remember just driving home as fast as I could, parked the car in the garage before my parents woke up. and I just hopped into shower and I remember just sitting there, you know, bawling, still cutting a haze from, you know, the alcohol and whatever they gave me. And because my girlfriend had reacted so badly about my childhood memory, I had, you know, like, I'm not going to tell anybody. Right. I'm just not going to say anything to anybody. so sorry i didn't expect that i was going to get a little choked up that's okay let me ask you this were there friends of yours at this place or were you by yourself i mean you had to have known people

there right yeah so did you get the story like from anybody like did you go back to anyone say what the fuck happened to me last night like i don't remember a thing so all of my friends um because this was a bar that we went like on a random wednesday or Thursday that he had like a live music or something. So all my friends, either they were, you know, had college classes the next day or they had to go to work. So they left relatively early around 1 o'clock or so. And I'm like, shit, I'm on vacation from school. I'm just going to stay here.

So all of my friends left. And I stayed. And what was your last memory of that night? All I remember was sitting at the bar. And this random dude sitting next to me and checking out girls with me and I was just talking about the girls that were still at this bar. And that's it. And then you go black. Then we ask you this, like later in your life, right?

Because, you know, that was a long time ago. Did you ever blackout from drinking later or like were you never a blackout drinker? Because like I have to say I was a black I was a blackout drinker. I haven't drank since I'm 34 years old. I'm 50. So, and I blacked out a lot, you know, and I'm just wondering if, like, you could have, I'm not to say that you still, like, you, you could be, you know, if you black out, you could be raped. It's just, you know, were you raped during a blackout or did they rue for you? I don't know.

I'm just wondering, have you ever blacked out when you drank? Are you a drinker? No. Okay. No, you know, I drink. And, you know, I partied pretty hard for my college days. but never got blacked out. Right.

Normally to me, like, because I was a blackout drinker and I blacked out thousands of times. Like to me, like you just, if you're a blackout drinker, you know it. You know what I mean?

Like there's nothing, if you never blacked out since and that was the only time, they fucking refeed you because it's not like, there's no other reason for that to happen. Do you know what I mean?

Unless you were, that's why I asked the question, unless you were somebody that, oh, you were a blackout drinker, you know, but blackout drinkers, to me, I think,

because I was one, It's just like it doesn't it's not a one-time thing. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, no. You would have blacked out many times since. So if you've never blacked out no matter how much you've drank since, then they fucking that guy probably at the bar roofied you for sure. And you know, when I woke up, um, they're, you know, naked on a completely haze.

There was a handwritten note that said you were the best sissy fuck we've ever had. We. Oh my God. That's fucked up. And so I started panicking because I'm like, okay, not only something happened, but it was we. And I was like, why are they saying that I was a cissy fuck? You know. What does that mean?

I'm like, I was like, did I, you know, tell somebody or did I, you know, just, you know, I didn't not know what happened. And I was like, you know, I just said something that I like to dress, you know. So that really, you know, fuck me up. I think I stayed like in the shower for over an hour just sitting there, really cleaning up myself. And you chose to tell nobody about that. No. Okay. I told nobody.

You know, and I had tasted myself before so I could tell. that there was something in my mouth and I'd literally put a soap bar in my mouth just trying to get the taste out of my mouth because it was that bad. So for the next like... Yeah, that's hardcore. Yeah. Yeah. For the next day or so, I slept for most of the time.

Mm-hmm. My friends were like, hey, you know, I'm going to go out now. You know, do you want to hang out? No, my parents are like, hey, why are you going to bed? You just stay late and like, I'm just tired. And I was, you know, ashamed. Isn't it so scary? Because I know that you're a parent.

I'm a parent, too, that, like, these things could be happening to your child and your child doesn't tell you, like, from all those things that happened to you when you were really little, to that time, and, like, your parents had no idea what was going on with their child. Like, it's scary as a parent to think that,

you know, your kid could be going through shit like that. You know what I mean? and not tell you, right? So your parents are like, why the fuck are you sleeping all the time, you know, and they don't realize that you just went through the most horrifying situation of your life. Yeah, and here's the kicker. My mom is a child psychologist. Oh, my God.

That is the kicker. But it is, you know, it is scary, you know, because I know what I felt, how I felt. And you felt like you had nobody, nobody that you could tell you. child. Did you ever, do you know, like, because I know that you said your memories came back and you have been in counseling a lot. Do you know if you ever did tell anybody when you were little? No. I have no recollection of ever telling anybody that. Right. And then let me ask you this, through the years, right? Did you ever tell your parents that that stuff happened to you when you were little, or do they still not know? They still don't know. Okay. I'm an only child. And

my parents are one of those that you know if something happened to me they would feel they were they failed as parents right I know that's like a listen that would be a very especially because it was secret for so long I mean that's just that's a loaded fucking conversation like you know maybe like why go there

with them if you don't have to you know what you're dealing with it on your own like telling them I don't know like listen if you needed to and you felt like you wanted to and you know, like I would totally be like I, you should do it, you know, but if you don't, it's like I could see that angle too. I think in this situation, it's like whatever you sort of think is best, you know? Yeah.

And, you know, every time that I tell my story, um, then my biggest fear is people are not believing me. So every single counselor that I've ever been. into when I tell the story, they look at me and they start talking, asking questions. And then I don't realize it, but two of them have told me that I've asked them multiple tones, like, you do know I'm not lying, right? And they look at me and they said, like, trust me, I can tell that you're not lying

because you're flushed, you're... You have a physical reaction. you tell the story. Yeah. I mean, I can talk about it without getting too choked up or getting, but even right now I'm a little fidgety just because it's really fucked up. And so, you know, that happened.

It was right. It was summer in the U.S. in the winter down the air. So right shortly after I came back here for the fall semester. and, you know, I just started drinking more. Never got pastile drunk, but I was drinking quite a bit. Yeah. And, again, not telling anybody,

still trying to beg for that one girl to love me the way that I needed. Right. Oh, God, you're still in that bad relationship. Yeah. Yeah. You know, when you got to a point that I was just like, it's not that I forgot about it, but, you know, I just kept myself busy. Yeah. And just would not, you know, think about it. There'll be moments that I would, you know, have nightmares about it.

Right. And, you know, I would have, I think it probably about three months afterwards, I had a few flashbacks, no faces. I could hear the voice of, you know, one of the guys. And then, you know, it was like, okay, it was at least two guys and there was also a woman involved. Oh, really? Yeah. So keep in mind that this city that were town that I lived in had no more than 150,000 people living there. So it's pretty small.

My parents were known. You know, I was known. The newspaper made a, you know, a pretty decent deal. Like, hey, you know, that I'm coming back for summer break. And, you know, I'm going to have a get-together with my friends. And they would put in the freaking newspaper. They would come out take pictures to show like, hey, there's a party going on. So it was, I was kind of a big fish in a small pond.

Yeah. So I was like, you know, I don't know what happened. Is it because I am known or somebody that knows me? No, I don't know. So I was coming back for Christmas. And that girlfriend of mine, that's when the mind fuck really got amped up. She went to picking me up at the airport with my mom. There was two hours away from my house.

And it's like, I'm so happy to see you. I love you. and then we had dinner with my parents she was spending the night we're in my bedroom we have sex and then she's like you know I think you and I need to take a break

and I'm like what are you talking about she's like you know we're too young we don't know if you and I are meant to be so I think we should just you know take a break and if we're meant to be we're going to find each other again. And I'm like, what the hell? You know, I'm like sitting on my bed, butt naked, so is she.

And she's just talking. He was like, you know, I think it'll be better. You know, we may get some different experiences. And I'm like, so it's, you know, one o'clock in the morning. You're going to go home? She goes, no, no, no, no, don't worry about it. We are going to take a break. you're about to leave to go back to the U.S. I'm like, what the fuck does that mean? And she was like, you will be my boyfriend up until you leave. So we're still going to hang out.

And I'm like, so for three weeks, we're going to pretend nothing, this is not happening. She goes, yeah, let's just enjoy it. And in my mind, I'm like, in a panic. I'm like, the only person that will ever love me and accept me and take me wants to dump me. And then the next day, she goes, hey, I want to watch a movie with you.

I'm like, really? You want to watch a fucking movie after you just drop this bomb with me? Yeah, but this is like, I mean, I don't know, like, if something's going to come of this story, but this, like, relationship, because you're married now, right? I don't know how many women you were with after her. Did you meet your wife after her? Yes, I did. Because, like, this kind of relationship, like, is very common, like, the dynamics, right?

And I know that one person kind of looks very much. like the victim and the other person very much looks like the fucking perpetrator and the bad one. But both people on some level are extremely dysfunctional and they're both, you know, playing into it. You know what I'm saying? Like there's a reason why you were with that girl. She wasn't tying you up to be there, you know, and all those fucked up things that happened to you, you know, made, that was like the only person you thought you deserve, right? It's like a deserving thing when you have low self-esteem, right? And you torture yourself.

And I've been there, done that. So that's how I know, you know. So like that kind of stuff. You have to. Excuse me? I would do everything for her. Of course, because you were just trying to get her to love you. But that was like something, it wasn't about her.

It was about something in you. You know what I mean? That you were lacking. And so, and she was just playing apart. And she was fucked up too, you know, and you had this whole long relationship. And like, you were super young. That's what happened. How did you meet your wife? And what was she like?

So, um, I met my wife. I would say, well, is it maybe two years afterwards? Okay. Was she like hard to get or anything? Or was she just like super different than this girl? She, she was different. Um, you know, we were at a party and, you know, on campus and all the girls are super dressed. up. And she's just there, you know. I went to school in the South and the big school, so college football is a big deal. It was a football weekend. She's just in the jeans and t-shirt and flip and flip-flops. And I was like, wow, she's pretty. So we kind of started talking, and she started, you know, playing hard to get. And that was the first relationship that I had after this bad one where

where I was like, okay, you know, maybe this is it. Because all the ones before were just, you know, I just need to get off somehow. I dated a girl that we had nothing in common other than just sex. Right. Okay. She, you know, being with her was good because she kind of got out some of my kinkiness.

You know, and the first girl or your wife? This girl after the first girl. Oh, okay, right, right. The ones did that was just for sex. Yeah. And, you know, she would, you know, with her, because it was just strictly sex and she was a freaking bad. I told her, I was like, hey, you know, I like assplay. And she would do it.

And then, you know, I was like, hey, let me try in your panties. And she was like, okay, cool. So, like, we did some role playing. She did me with the, you know, with the dildo strap on before. So I got to live some of that. At this point, had you fooled around with guys yet, like, willingly? Like, you know, okay. No, I didn't.

Okay. But you were still, like, horny for them and watching porn and, like, having those fantasies and everything. You were able to get back to that? Not as much. Okay. Because right as that first girl broke up with me, I, you know, the night that, you know, I took her home and then I went to a party. That it was right before New Year's.

None of my friends are in town was like, this party's close to home. I can walk from my house. I'm just going to go and I'm going to get completely fucked up. So that's what I did. And on the way back, I am literally it's a house that I've always walked by many times you know all throughout middle school and high school I went to take a leak right outside this house there was a broken light bulb in the post out on the street so I'm peeing against the fence and this guy opens the door and I recognize the voice

I'm like, oh, fuck. It's the guy for my flashback. So, long story short, those guys knew who I was. They knew who my parents were. And they were drugies, drunks, and this time then I got raped again. And I was just drunk. How? How, how?

You're outside peeing. Do they say? coming to the house? The guy just came in and he put his arm around me and I froze. He just brought me in. Right. But this time you're not blacked out. You remember everything.

I remember everything. Okay. How many people were there? There were three guys and this one guy's wife. Okay. Come to find out that, you know, they knew who I was. like they knew who a lot of my friends were. They were older, but like I said, small town.

And as we were at the bar they were made, he saw her checking out. And so he got pissed off and decided to take revenge on her by raping me. Okay. So this night on Whiteaway, they said, you know, we know where you live. They described, you know, my house. and they're like, you know, we know what, you know, you're just three blocks away from here.

And so this one was a little bit more violent. I, you know, remember everything. And right that night when I was at a party drinking, and now I'm single, I had said to myself, you know what, I'm single. I'm going to go to a different country here in a couple days. I'm going to start fooling on with guys you know what I have to lose I have nothing I'm just going to

see that's really what I want so this happened and I was just like no no I don't like guys I do not like men I stopped watching

everything and that stayed repressed those desires for so many years even with the with the girlfriend just for sex when we would fool around.

Right. How long into your marriage did it stay repressed? We were almost married for 10 years when I finally in counseling. I looked at my counselor and I said, I think I'm bisexual. And I had already

told her, you know, I was like, hey, I like to dress up sometimes. But, you know, it was just a fetish. and then I think a month or two later I said you know

I am bisexual and I'm also a cross-stressor and that is okay I'm still me I'm still you know a dad

a husband and it's okay and she said yeah it is come to find out that she was also she was a lesbian and I didn't know, but she's like, yeah, she's like, as we started talking in the beginning,

I knew that all these things you're saying, but you had to come to that realization yourself. Right. And then I did a lot of like, you know, DBT therapy just to try to let go of some of the, some of the trauma. And my wife knows that I was raped. She also has sexual violence history. so she knows all that and she knew that I was going to counseling does she know about the younger stuff too

because you were like I mean you have a lot of history there like you have the stuff when you were older but you also have the stuff when you were like really young she did and you know that was something that you know with her like seriously when I met her I was just said okay you know

she's the one I'm probably going to marry this girl yeah and it was easy to to tell her. And I got a totally different reaction than I did from the other. I would hope so. She just hugged me and she's like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry you went through this. Right.

You know, and at some point, like I said, that the cross-dressing, she may or may not know, at some point, when her and I were dating, I was like, hey, you know what? All those desires and stuff, that's just because I was horny. now I have a girl. We're having good sex. Yeah, I don't like guys. I don't like to dress up. And then she is on my computer typing a paper.

And I still had my ex on the old Yahoo messenger, rest in peace. And she pops up and says, hey, can you talk? In my now wife says, hey, you know, Lee is not here, but this is his girlfriend. And this ex of mine goes, oh did he tell you that he likes to dress like a slut and take it up the ass? And like, I am just watching TV on my bed. Yeah. And she's like, um, your ex just said something here.

And I'm like, what did she say? And at that point I just jumped up and I stopped looking at it. Right. And I'm panicking. Yeah. I'm like, oh my gosh. I was like, you know, I love you. And she's like, okay, what is it?

And I told her. I said, you know, what I thought of the time was like, I have a fetish. You know, I do like to somebody no play, and I also like to wear women's clothes. She said, okay. And so she's like, I love you. And I'm like, are you sure? I'm so sorry? She's like, no, I love you.

And then she said, hey, you can wear some of my stuff. Like, really? She goes, yes, you can. And she's like, and I'll play with your butt. I was like, wow. Seriously? She's like, yeah. so like it's okay

so you know for a few months you know I would she knew that I would be you know wearing her panties

or she would come to to my place and she would you know open my bedroom door and you know I would be wearing

something of hers and she was cool with it you know she wasn't like super into it but she wasn't like oh my gosh that's disgusting

what are you doing Right, she was doing it for you. She knew that this was something that you liked and she wanted to keep you happy. Right. So she got pregnant as we were engaged. And then the freedom that I had of, hey, this is who I am and it's cool, she likes it. All the bullshit that society tells you, the man need to be a man. They need to be very mentally and masculine.

I went on the shame spiral of no, I'm going to be a dad. I'm going to marry this girl. How can a dad be wearing a tongue? Oh, it was your own thing. It wasn't like she changed. You did. I did. You got freaked out about it again.

So I got, you know, in the shame spiral, and I repressed it for, over a year. And then after my son was born, she had, you know, postpartum, we were not, you know, very sexually active. You know, he was waking up every three hours and all that kind of stuff. And then those desires came back.

So instead of just telling her about it, I still had that shame. I started just getting online, chat rooms. exchanging pictures of me with people and not with the intent of like cheating just with the intent of

you know getting some satisfaction while not doing something with her and in front of her that I thought was shameful so it was like because I was going to say like because she was cool with you wearing her clothes she was cool with like ass play

like you could have probably got her to start fucking you in the ass like why didn't you go back to her doing all that stuff with you. Was there some sort of, like, you didn't want to feel that shame again, so keeping it sort of as a secret life made you feel less shameful? Yeah, that's exactly. I just thought it was like, you know, I'm her husband. I'm a dad.

Like, how can I be doing this? Right, right, right. I could totally see how someone would compartmentalize it that way, would compartmentalize it that way, and it would feel different if you did it over there as opposed to. in reality in your life, you know, because then you would have to really accept that that stuff was really real, right? And maybe you just not, you're obviously, weren't ready to sort of be you and that, you know, to sort of integrate both of those parts of yourself together. Yeah. And, you know, so that went on for, I think two or three years,

until one day I left my computer logged into this email account that I had created Oh no And she found it No way What did she find?

Yes She saw me Corresponding with people sending pictures Guys Guys and women Pictures of what? You in outfits?

Me and outfits Just me You know, jerking off Spreading my cheeks you know shit like that but never show in my face yeah okay so she's like I'm leaving you blah blah blah I talked to her and you know I remember just she caught me and then she was like your ass is gone and your ass is out of here and I flew home um I don't even know how they're gonna take it that day and you know I was like I'm so sorry and

as she calmed down she goes are you addicted to porn and when she said that I was like shit that makes sense right I was like I think I am so we had like a backpack where we had some of my outfits some of our toys and she's like I want that backpack

just gone toss it and you know she's like you cannot look at porn and all sorts of shit and I'm like yeah I was like you're right you know, I'm addicted, I need to take care of it. But I couldn't make myself get rid of the backpack. So things were okay for about a year or so, and then those desires came back. And then when they came back, I had a job that I could travel some. So I started buying some clothes for me, either online with store pickup or going to a Walmart or

Target pretending that I'm shopping for my life. Yeah. And I would go in a hotel room and, you know, stay dressed up the whole time, take some of those toys that we had that I never tossed it and, you know, play. And then I started getting online and, you know, chatting with people. So today, after many years of counseling, I realize that, no, that's not an addiction. That's an outlet that I have to be myself and an outlet that I have to not act on it in a way that could jeopardize my relationship even more than what it could be. Once I tell her.

And, you know, I've had two or three therapists confirm that I was like, am I crazy for feeling the other way? They're like, no, you're right. So today that's what I do. That backpack of stuff is still here. I bought a bunch of different outfits that I keep in a compartment under the backseat of my truck. when I'm alone at home and I have some time I dress up sometimes actually

sometimes I just do it to walk around I still see a counselor every week my wife thinks it's just me trying to work myself and try to become a better husband and it is that's part of it too

but part of it too is just talking about things that I can do to make her feel more confident in us and in herself that she's, until she's ready for me to say look, this is the deal. I love you. I'm attracted to you.

You didn't do any of this. This is me. And no, we did not live a lie for so many years because that's still who I am. I am still the person that you married. This has been with me

for most of our marriage. I was just afraid of, you know, putting it out there. And, you know, it's interesting because she's super open-minded, you know, with, you know, same-sex marriage and shit like that. Like, she is very much, you know,

waving the rainbow flag. She's like, love is love. And she knows that that's kind of my cause, my social cause I'm passionate about. And she has told me some things before, like, I think it was two years ago. She's like, you know, early on, I thought that maybe you were gay or by and you just didn't know. And I was like, holy shit. I was like, why? She's like, just because, you know, you're so passionate about defending LGBT rights.

But now I get it. You were confused. your family very, you know, asked backwards, and you were afraid. And for a moment, you felt like you were part of that community, even though you're not. And I was like, oh, my gosh, so want to tell her, so want to tell her, so want to tell her. But she was not ready. She's still not ready. Yeah, but I don't know that it's her.

It might still be you because she allowed you, okay? she was cool with you dressing up in clothes she was cool with ass play she thought maybe you were by she's super open minded you were the one that put an end to like you had sort of open the can of worms with her right

like she you know she knew like you were dressing up in her clothes and she knew you liked like to get fucked in the ass like you know you you were like almost there right to tell her everything I mean she basically knew it you're the one that stopped it you could always go back to that and from there you could go further right um because she had that thought before

you know but I don't why have you never sort of started to engage again in the cross-dressing and the ass play with her um really it's fear because when she caught me at that time she associated, you know, my dressing, my outfits, our backpack with toys and stuff, with my quote-unquote porn addiction. So I have the fear of- Right, but the only reason why she thought it was an addiction is because you were trying to suppress it and it had no place to go, but it was there. You know what I mean?

But you were the one that did it. She didn't suppress it in you. You did. She was letting you be who you wanted to be. and she was cool with it. You were the one that stopped it. And so then, of course, when it came out later, all this stuff, she sees it.

Because in her mind, she doesn't understand, like, you didn't come back to her with all that stuff. She had been okay with it, right? So it's confusing to her. I could see why she saw a different story, you know, because before you, you allowed, like she allowed you to cross dress and do all that stuff, and then you stopped it.

So she's thinking that's not there. and then she's thinking you're doing it all secretive because it must be an addiction out. And it gets so complicated, but it was really because you weren't ready to really sort of be that person in your marriage and you couldn't sort of, you know, come face to face with that part of yourself.

So you had to keep it in a corner, right? And, you know, so I could see why she's confused, but really it's, you know, you, it seems like it's more an issue. of you being ready? You know, I think you may have my counselor on Steadaw, because she had said that to me, too. Right. She said, she's like, you know, I'm not going to deny just some of the things you've said. Probably your wife may not be fully ready.

She's like, because she does have self-esteem issues, she became a bigger girl throughout the years, which as I was discovering myself, I was like, hey, I actually do like bigger girls. and to me she's the sexiest she's ever been. Right, right. Like you like it, uh-huh, but she doesn't feel good about it. She's like, no, I'm aware, and I'm like, no, you're sexy. And if she says things like, oh, you're just, you're just into fat chicks, you're just a chudder chaser. So that's nothing wrong with that, if that's what you like and that's what she is.

But the way that she puts herself down, it's almost, she says those things that she's waiting to hear. And if I confirm it, I know her well enough that she's going to say, see, she's going to tell herself, see, she does. think you're a whale. So you confirm what? Oh, that you're a chubby chaser? You've never said that you are? No. Because that's something that I never realized.

I was like, hey, you know what? You know what? Most of the girls that I've been with were kind of heavier girls. But you don't have to be like that's what I, just, you could just be like I like, I like all kinds of things and I like, like, like, you don't have to be like, I'm just a chubby chaser and that's all I like and that means you're fat. Like you could just say, like, I like you when you're skinny, but I think you're fucking hot now too.

like I like this too like it doesn't have to be you know but listen her mental issue with like how she feels about herself like you know self-esteem is called self-esteem because it comes from yourself right there's nothing you could say or do to change her and how

she feels about herself but it seems that the way it seems like she was very accepting of who you were straight from the beginning and she was very cool with you okay with all your shit you let your freak flag fly and she was like Like, she hopped on board.

And like you said, you don't even think that she was that into it, but she did it for you. So she might have her own issues, but I don't think that it gets in the way of you being you with her. I think you get in the way of you being you. And her, you know, I think you waiting for her self-esteem to change. Like self-esteem can be changed. I believe that. I changed mine.

It took a lot of fucking therapy and a lot of hard work. But it does happen. But it's like, you know, you could be waiting for. ever for that to happen with her. Like, I don't think you need anything to happen with her. You need to be ready and then you need to fucking do it. Do you know what I mean? No.

And, you know, again, I think you're my counselor like best friends. Because she has things like that to me. You know, and there are times that I'm like, okay, I think she'll be cool with it. And then there are times like that I would say that over the last few years, you know, she has become a little bit more vanilla in bed. She might be less interested. How old is she? She's 33.

Okay. And so maybe she's more vanilla because is that like did it coincide with when she started to gain weight and not feel good about her body? Yeah. And also when she became a mom. Yeah, that shit fucks you with your head. So a one time last year, her and I had, we're at home just hanging out. having a few drinks and we're in bed and I just got done going you know going down on her and

then I was like hey will you finger my ass and she looked at me and she was like why and I'm like because it feels good I was like for a guy that's like a freaking G spot and she was like no I can't and I was like why we've done it before and she's like no I just can't and I and I was like shit if I keep insisting, I'm going to kill the mood. I need to get my rocks off. Yeah. So there's like little things like that that set me back. And you're right.

I think that most of it is me having to be ready. Because at some point, like I said. Listen, she might be a little, like that whole finding your, all those emails and all that stuff. That might have like, you know, sort of made this whole issue if it came up like a little bit more complicated. right than if that didn't all happen but I really believe because she was the person that accepted it at some point you could get back to that I'm not saying it's not going to be a messy road to her accepting it it might be a little bit uncomfortable and not cool at first because there was that time that she found out and like when she what she found out it was like it was

more like a lot of times that's like there's a lot of layers to that situation of her finding out it's not just what she found out that you were doing because she knew you were into that stuff it's the deceit it's the lying it's the you know you're it's her trust for you like you know she had to deal with a lot of that stuff you know so that could really fuck somebody up you know so you know if you bring all that stuff back up again it could you know trigger her all the you know it could trigger her feelings for the time that she found out you were doing that stuff behind her back she's has it attached to, you know, some fucking addiction and a negative thing. You know, it became this negative thing.

Whereas before that, when you brought it up and you guys were cool with each other, it was okay. But I have to say, you took it in that negative direction because you made it a secret because you were too afraid, right? You made it that, you made it that shameful thing. Yeah. So you'd have to, but I do believe you could work with your wife to get through that. I think at first it might not be like it's not the movies I always say like it's not like like you're going to say her and she's going to be like cool where's the dildo I want to fuck you in the ass and here's some clothes like you know I think you might have to work through some stuff but I

think because she was cool about it and she's like I really and you've been with her for a long time like I think that she could get to that place again you know I really hope so and you know I've talked to my counselor before and she was like you know so what's like what would be ideal scenario like well my ideal scenario would be that I will tell her she will process it and she would say well then maybe let's have a three-way or let's you know let's have an open marriage so you can have a boyfriend well let me ask you this because I was been meaning to ask you this okay we've only know about like I know that you're jerking off to gay porn I know that you've been with men but it was always like not willingly like right you weren't a willing participant like you had really

bad experiences with him. Have you ever been with a guy in a regular situation? No, you never have. No. And, you know, people that I meet online, I probably would have had the opportunity to just go and maybe just jerk off. But because I'm so closeted and I have this fear of being outed, I am so freaking careful, borderline paranoid that I passed up on opportunities to to do that. Yeah, well, let me just tell you, I think you need to, I don't think it's like a good thing to go out and experiment with guys before you clear things up with your wife because I just think with your history and the stuff that has happened, like, I think you need to, I think if you're going to do that at some point in your life and I think you're super young, youth feel old, but you're young, right? You're only 36. You have a long life ahead of you. you should be being you to the fucking hundredth power right which means this other part of you should be a part of you right for real yeah but i think that you know you if you ever go there with guys i think you need support and it needs to not have any

shame in it and it needs to be done in the rightest way because if anything is attached to it that's wrong or not you know it's going to trigger all that other stuff and I just think you can't do it that way. Do you know what I mean? If you really want to come to terms with your bisexuality and have it be a positive experience, you need to do it in the most positive way and I think you have to do it with your wife being on board.

But I don't think that you start there. I don't think you could sit down with your wife and tell her I like guys and I want to have a threesome, right? I think you start slowly and you know you start with maybe the cross-dress and the anal play and you get back to where you were a long time ago because that's the road to letting her know

that you are by, right? And then, and then, you know, you could maybe talk about having somebody cut, you know what I mean? Like you may be able to have all that stuff that you want. But I don't think going and doing it behind her back is the right way to do it. Yeah, and that's why I get my satisfaction

you know, skyping with people or, you know, go on kick messenger. Right. Just because, you know, hey, I get to show off. I get to, you know, have some fun. And I just don't know. Like, I mean, like, what's going to happen, like, I don't know, because of, like, what's happened to you in the past with guys, you know, like, I don't know.

Like, you don't know what's, like I said, what's going to be triggered in you, what kind of memory, you know, when you're actually, with a guy. So I think like if you got your wife on board on some level, like, you know, you could go into a situation like that like very slowly and with some help and maybe some support, you know, and that could be really good for you, you know, or, you know, you got to keep it as this side thing and maybe a fantasy, but like your therapist asked you what's your ideal situation. Like you want to be out, right? Yeah, totally

You feel like it's the time I don't know if it's The time now But I think it's been close For sure Do you feel that like You just really want to be with a guy Like for real and take control of that

And do it the way You know Like be in charge of that Right? Because like listen You've had these desires But it was always like Sort of you weren't in charge

And it wasn't a good experience And you were like fucking raped Right like But like you could take that back By having that experience with a man and being, you know, like I said, actually interested, willing, right, participant? And I could really rewrite that story for you because it's sad that you have never had that experience, right?

No, and that's exactly that, you know, and throughout this whole process of getting to know me, I became confident in myself. I have a dad bought, okay, and I rock it. And I don't care if people like it or not. Yeah, but listen, I'm sorry. You can say whatever you want, but girls' bodies and how they feel about it, it's a lot harder for a girl to accept her fucking mom bod than a guy, okay? And the only way I can explain it to you is, did you ever get fired from a job and lose all your fucking money?

No, I never have. Okay, but imagine that happened to you? How would that feel? Would you feel confident? No, not at all. But what if your wife told you, don't worry about it? I don't care that you don't have money. You probably would feel like a fucking ass.

because you want to know why it's just a society thing like I always say like a girl that like lost her looks or doesn't feel good about her body is like a guy that lost his job and has no fucking money it's and like a girl doesn't doesn't understand why a guy like she's still love a guy if he's jobless but a guy doesn't fucking love himself the same thing with the girl as she's fat because society tells women like you are your beauty that is your word a guy society tells men your worth is your fucking wallet okay and your job right and so So you cannot say you rocking your body. Yeah, tons of guys rock their man bodies. That's why you see fucking tens walking around with sixes, okay? Most guys have bad bodies, okay? And they all fucking accept it. I mean, like, that's not work on your self-esteem. That's just because you're a fucking guy, okay?

Your wife feeling better about being overweight is a lot harder of a thing to do for her because it's society. Do you understand? am so yeah no and i recognize that and you know what i was going with that is you know i got to a point that i feel so comfortable in my own skin yeah that you will kind of be a turn on to have a three somewhere me and the other guy do her and then the guy does me right while i'm doing something with her you know was she freaky like that like before she she like went down this other path and like she became a mom and she gained the weight and stuff was she freaky like did you like you like

Like, take away your thoughts of her now. Like before all that stuff happened, she became vanilla. Was she somebody that you think would have been into that? Honestly, I am not sure. You know, she would do things. She was, you know, a little bit more risky things. Like we would have sex in my job when I was in college. You know, stores closing and we would just go in the back room and screw.

you know she would she would she would do anal she'd love to swallow and all kinds of shit and she like a little bit a little bit being tied up and blindfolded and all sorts of she definitely wasn't vanilla and she was kind of freaky and she was into she was open-minded like you said and now you know she she doesn't have that anymore so for sure like you said it'll have to be something very slow yeah um and you know we'll we'll we'll see, you know, if we get there, but you gave the best analogy that I can understand about the whole girl's body is, like, the guy losing all his money. Yeah.

That's, you definitely help me just to understand epis. It's true, though. And like, I always, like, you know what I mean? It's the same. And it's like, it's so feel for the guys that have lost jobs. Like, you know, it's a lot of industries are going down. A lot of men are losing their fucking jobs because, you know, it's like it's, it's like it's, the same thing

for man, but that's a woman like, you know, that gave me, so that's why it's so hard for her. It doesn't matter what you say, you know, because like I said, women's self-worth, it does come from that kind of stuff. So, you know, maybe like instead of, because maybe she's never going to be able, like, as much as your

chubby chaser, maybe she's just never going to feel happy until she loses that weight. So, you know, maybe if you stopped accepting your dad body and got like into being like healthy and losing weight maybe you guys could do that kind of stuff together and that could help her lose the weight right but you you have to do that by example right because if you started bringing home like rice cakes for her which actually aren't like not fattening like you want to cut the carbs but like you know that would be she would be fucking insulted like that's not what you want to do what you want to do is you want to first of all you shouldn't accept your dad body

It's like I don't understand that guys don't care about their bodies. They should, right? So if you started taking better care of yourself and said, you know what, I want to lose like fucking 10 pounds, right? And went on keto or just cut your carbs and started working out, walking. You know, it's more food, though. You're going to lose weight by changing the way you fucking eat, right? And drink.

You know, she would follow suit maybe, right? And that would be a really good way. and once she got skinny, she'd be fucking horny again. Yeah, and that's something that I'm actually doing right now. You are? Yeah, I started working out and doing some different things. I've offered you, do you want to do it with me? She's like, oh, maybe, I don't know.

But just the food, like I said, like honestly, I'm just going to tell you, as somebody that has always been thin and in shape, I'm very into working out, but it's diet your body and your weight is 80% diet, 20% gym. Anybody that says, oh, I'm going to eat whatever I want, but I'll go to the gym. Like, yeah, if you're 22, that works. But when you're over 30 and 40, like, that doesn't fucking work. The gym is going to, you know, tone you and build muscle and help you look better. And it does this tweaking.

You have to work out really hard just to tweak your body to look good. But the real weight loss comes from changing your diet. And, you know, and that's what she needs to do most likely. She's not going through menopause, gaining weight for no reason. You know, she gained weight all this time. She was a mom. She'd probably eat like garbage. You have all that garbage in your house with kids.

I have a kid. I know. You kids are like all that fucking shit in your house. You know, it's hard. It's a different kind of discipline to have because you're just, you know, you're on the go. You know, it's hard to stay healthy. But if you guys change the way, you know, you started, changed your diet and did that with her, maybe that would help.

Maybe she doesn't want to go to the gym. Don't worry about the gym with her. Just let, she needs to lose some weight. And I think if you changed the way you guys ate, right? She might jump on board and do that because some people that, like, I've always been a working out person. I've tried to convert people. And some people will just never be that type of person.

So, but she could lose a lot of weight if she changes the way that she eats. That's definitely a good point. You know, and really what I want is just for her to feel happy about herself and love herself. Well, she needs to lose weight. Yeah. That's what she needs. And, you know, you know, you're right, I think that she probably needs to be ready to hear my truth, but I also need to be ready to put it out there.

You just need to be ready. Okay, listen, your truth, like I said, where you want to start is the truth that she's she already knows. So it's not like you're dropping a bomb on her that she's like, what the fuck, okay? This is, I'm not telling you to tell her that you have an affair.

Like, you know what I mean? You're not going to be, and I don't, you're not telling her I want to see you get fuck another guy and I'm going to, and then I want him to fuck me after. Like, you're not starting there, right?

Right. You are literally starting with something she already knows and she already accepted. You know, I suggest, look at a calendar. decide six months from now or three months from now or whatever that this is what you're going to do and you're going to start bringing that up and maybe just start having a conversation about it. You know what I mean?

Ease your way into it. But it's not where you're starting is not any crazy thing. It's not like a secret life. You really don't, really, she knows. Like I said, you muddied it up and made it a little messy and something taboo. because you took it off the table at some point and decided to keep it there because of your issues with the shame and everything, right? Yep. Which I understand. Everyone's got their shit, right?

So you go to therapy. You're doing all the right things, you know. But you, so you have to, like, so like I said, that's why I understand why she's like a little anti-in and like, what the fuck. Because of that situation that happened, it made it confusing. But I really think you could get back to that. but it'll take a little time. I think if you want her, you don't have to wait for her

to feel good about herself to start talking about this stuff, but if you want to be more kinky and because this has to do with your sex life, you really need for her to lose the weight. She really needs it. And like I said, I think you should do that by just being an example, right?

Like lead by example. Instead of telling her what to do because that might just make her feel more, you just start doing it. and then she might want to hop on board, right? Yeah, no, that's good advice. That's definitely good advice. But, like, in the meantime, if you have any of your listeners.

Oh, we're doing shoutouts. This is now a new thing. I'm going to be like the fucking Craigslist of no Craigslist. So if you, you know, if there's any listeners, men, women, couples, around my age or, you know, older that may want to, you know, so I'd maybe extend some pictures and maybe even like fool around on camera. You know, you know, you have my, my email address. We can create another one or something.

No, I want you to give out your email address right now because I think that people are less likely to email me and have me forwarded. I think that they need to email you directly. You're going to get more. more hits that way. So give out your email. So my email is hubby, H-U-B-B-B-B-Y, to the number two, A, as an Apple, B-B-B-W. So hubby-2 of B-B-B-B-W at Yahoo.com. I'll put that in the description, too. I'm telling you, I'm like the fucking crazy. This is like a new thing. It came up by accident on another call, and like, I think that guy got like tons of emails. And so it's really good.

So, okay, so if anyone's looking, so you're into the cross-dressing, you're into, like, camming, you're bisexual, females, too, right, if they're into that kind of kinky kind of stuff. Yeah, so like, you know. And wait, I also want to give the shout out for you. And if any guy out there that wants to talk to you, that could give you advice, maybe, on what to do in the situation because you were in the situation and you sort of, like, got your wife maybe into it, you know, maybe also reach out for that reason as well. Yeah, no, totally.

You know, if it's just to talk and get advice, I'm good. If there's somebody that just wants to play, whether it's me dressed up or not, whether they just want to, you know, two guys jerking off or if there's, you know, a couple screwing while I'm, you know, doing my own ass and jerking off, whatever. I'm very flexible that way. You're down. Where do you do, when do you do all this shit now that you're, like, when does all this go down when your wife's not around? So I can work from home with my job sometimes.

So there's sometimes, you know, that I'm able to talk to people during the daytime when kids at school, wife is at work. I'm supposed to be working, but, you know, in reality, I'm just going to be on my bed with something showed up my ass playing. so. Okay, I just don't want you to get caught in the meantime is why I'm asking. Oh, no. Like I told you, um, yeah, we were talking on the phone before. No, but we were talking on the phone before we got on. I'm like, I was asking Lee if he had definitely an hour.

He's like, yeah, as long as my wife doesn't come home from work, but I have her on like, a fucking, I don't know, you had like a GPS of her. Like you're like, I know if she's on. Find my friends. Yeah, find my friends. So I'll know if she's left work on my way. I was like, oh. So that's how.

So you really know, like you have it down. Because the last thing you want to do, and this is my whole point, is like, you just don't want to be caught with anything because that'll really fuck shit up. And I think that you need to get your wife on board and you need to get in a, you know, you need to bring this all up. And, you know, five years from now, you need to be who you are. But with, I would like to see, like with your wife doing, having all that you want in being all that you want. And, you know, coming to terms with all of it. And that's what I want to. And that's why, you know, having some online fun helps me not act on it because I want to be able to look at her and, you know, tell her everything.

Yeah, there's no more. We don't want any more shame. Like, that was something you had a lot of shame in your life already. Like, you don't need any more of that. You know, you need to, like, that's why I want you to come out of the closet with her in the right way, not so secret. Because you need to not have. have that shame thing, you know, because that's the thing that has always stopped you from being you. It's those feelings come up and you feel not right about it. All those feelings that came up when

you were really young, like you talked about how you would do it and then you'd feel so shameful. You know what I mean? And there you were like so many years later letting your true self out with your wife and you felt that shame again and you shut it down. And right? So you want to get to a place where you're not, you're not, you don't have to do that. And I think that, you know, this is a good fix for now, but it's just a band-aid. What you, you want is to fully heal and fully be able to be yourself with your wife. And I think you could get there. And I think, like, I, I think you should, you need to start that and just start the conversation.

But, you know, you might have to, like I said, put it on your calendar and say this is when I'm going to start, you know. Yeah, that's a good idea. you. And, you know, give yourself some time and then mentally prepare for it. You know what I mean? You know that this is like a November. This is what I'm doing. And it and you don't need to do the whole thing. It's just you bring it. Like, remember when I used to like to cross dress? Like I don't, you know, I don't want to do it behind your back. Like, you know, like I don't know something. But maybe you talk, you know, you start the conversation. But also get yourself on a diet. That's the other thing, remember? Yeah. Absolutely. You should be a therapy. So you give good advice. Yeah, but you know, the thing about being a therapist. therapist is that you have to just like remember your therapist said oh I knew all that stuff but I needed to let you wait there I don't I don't have time to let people wait like I'm just not patient and I like to tell people what I think right off the bat so that's why I do my show I feel like I am giving therapy and I was like recently I was like you know why don't more people do anonymous therapy because I think that people could be more real uh you know when nobody knows who anybody is right there's something to that right so I do anonymous therapy And I love it. And I didn't have to go to all that schooling and I don't have to wait for somebody to figure it out eight months.

I do it in an hour and 20 minutes. Yeah. No, this is really been awesome. Good. I love it. I'm so happy. But this is like the type of story that I want to know. I want to know eventually, please email me the date that you picked and then we're going to talk.

So, you know, that'll help hold you a little accountable. So I want you to pick a date, right? first of all you gave your address I'll put it out people you'll be getting emails but I want you to pick a date on the calendar and then I want you to tell me what that date is and then I'm going to hold you accountable to that date and we're going to talk after and see what's going on and I'm going to

check in with you okay and you know if there's ever any any of your podcast that has an interesting subject something I'm into it I may just email you and say hey I'm into this if I want to talk some more we can call in again because this was really fun awesome for sure you'll definitely

want you back on because I want to hear your progress okay for sure. Thanks so much for calling in. Thank you. Bye, Lee. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like, there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being

girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my

Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book. access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. Thank you.