Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 301 - Amber's Open Relationship with her Wife Isn't Working

Episode Date: September 16, 2019

Amber and her wife started out in an open relationship but when she recently hooked up with a guy, it didn't go over so well. Where did she meet the guy? What exactly went down between them? How did her wife react and how did she feel about the hook up? Is she still seeing him and if so, does her wife know about it? Tune in to find out plus hear all about Amber's crazy past which include she overcame both a heroin and alcohol addiction, how she use to hook up with guys and how she eventually realized she was homoromatic (she explains what that means) and started hooking up with women, how she came out of the closet and how her parents took the news, and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the strictly anonymous podcast. Strictly anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Your friend know that you're banging her or no? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to re-hive. your whips and chain. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the Strictly Anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous.

If you want to be on the show, this is a call-in-vice show where I give people my unprofessional advice. I also just listen to people talk about their interesting lives and their secret lives and their naughty lives. So if you want to be on the show, send an email to that same email address, Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at gmail.com, or go to my website strictly non-misspodcast.com and click on be on the show. Today I have on a girl named Amber. Amber calls in because she has an issue with her wife. She's a lesbian, but she wasn't always a lesbian. We get into that.

Or homo-romantic is what she calls her. We talk about what that means. And she went into this relationship with this girl, way before they even got married, straight up that we're going to have an open relationship. But recently, she hooked up with a woman. guy and it's caused a major problem in her relationship and she wanted to talk about that and we do talk all about that but we also talk about a lot of other stuff in her life because she like at one time was doing heroin she at that same time was dating a Russian mobster guy kind of uh she did heroin with him

what else is she was like a blazing alcoholic uh we talk about when she was dabbling with women and why she doesn't really relate to men or want to date them. And what else do we talk about in her past? But a lot of stuff. But anyway, it takes a while to get to the wife thing because we go through all the past stuff like the heroin use and then her alcoholism

and her coming out and all that confusion. And, you know, it's interesting because you got to pay attention to the things that she says in the beginning because it's very interesting how they tie into the story that she gets into in the end, which is the story that she's going through now and the issue she's going through now with her wife.

And she's an addict who went sober and she sounds like really confident in the beginning. But as it goes on, you start to hear like little things. At least I did more towards the end. And especially when I was editing, I realized this girl's like smoking massive cigarettes. At some point she tells me she still smokes pot. And she's dealing with a lot of drunk.

in her life. So I just wonder how much of her addiction she might still need to kind of work on. Do you know what I mean? Because there's like things going on that like I said, you pick up on more so towards the end of the podcast when you hear about what's going on with her girl and how things have played out if that makes sense. So it's a long podcast, but listen to the whole thing and see if you pick up because I call her out on some of the stuff at the end because I'm like, wait a second, you said this in the beginning and now this is happening later. And so pay attention to the beginning and then see if you picked up the same shit that I did at the end. And I think she will too.

So Amber, if you're listening, pay attention. Anyway, so I'm going to be right back on with Amber. You got a lot going on, Amber. You have a lot in your past and you have like a lot, like something going on right now, right? Like what you initially emailed me about was like what you have going on right now. Basically, you're a bisexual female. You're married, right? to a woman.

Yes. Right? You guys opened up your relationship because you're by and you wanted to sleep with men. Now, was she by and wanted to sleep with men too or is she gay? No, no. She's like gold star gay. Okay. Like never been with a man before.

You did. Oh, really? Okay. So yeah, that is the gold star one, right? And so you said it almost like ruined your relationship. But now you're feeling like bad about your attraction to men. So I'm assuming that you closed your relationship back up. Yeah.

So it's not that I. wanted to sleep with men, it's that I wanted to sleep with one particular guy. Well, that would be a problem for anybody. Even if it was a woman, don't you think it would have been a problem? Because maybe she was afraid of the emotional kind of a connection, right? Well, we have like an extremely open, honest relationship. And so we always said, you know, if it ever came up that we wanted to, you know, instead of cheating, whatever, or lying about it.

like we're just going to be honest about that kind of stuff. Right. And so I went, so after I got sober, I had a kind of realization like that I was only able to sleep with men when I was drinking. Okay. And so like I just, when I got sober, I just wasn't attracted anymore. You know, it just wasn't appealing to me. And now how old were you when you got sober? 25.

Okay, cool. Or actually 24, I guess. yeah, 24, 2011. And you've been sober ever since, right? You're still sober. Okay, cool. Yeah. And there were a lot of things that happened when I was doing drugs and stuff that kind of broke

my trust with men, I guess I would say. But I've never had the type of relationship with men that I've been able to have with women, just like emotionally. Like, I don't really think that I ever loved any of the men I was with. necessarily. But for me with men, it's just like a lust issue. Like I have attraction towards them, but I don't have an emotional. You don't feel like you could be romantic with them, but you could feel, be sexual with them. Definitely. Yeah. And, and so like the first five years that I was sober, I didn't really find men attractive at all. And it really wasn't an issue

with me. I was engaged to somebody else before I met my wife. A famous. A famous. She was actually, yes. Okay. And she transitioned to being male. And so that was, and then I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Because it was a guy, right? You weren't. Yeah.

Like, it was like, I don't want to be married to a dude. And you're a dude now. And so that was the end of that. And then I met my wife. And it was like, you know, lights out. I love her so much. Like it's, I've never loved anybody like that, really. And how long you've been with her for?

So far? Four years. Okay. Yeah, we've been married for three. Mm-hmm. It was one of those relationships. Like, we met each other. We moved in and like everything within like a month. Like I never spent a day away from her after I met her.

Yeah. And you know, when I was way younger, I would have thought like that's like destined for failure. But like actually, I think it's like you, I've heard it so many times before. I don't think it's the norm. I think a lot of times sometimes things like that that happen really fast. go south really fast too but sometimes it just fucking works from day one and that's just it you know what I wasn't going in it's true yeah I wasn't going into it naive like I dated a lot right by that time I was 28 you know and I I'd been engaged a couple times at that time and I just never went through with it

because it was never quite right for me let me ask you this I'm an impulsive person you know right well all your engagements to women like did you always oh So some were guys. Like, did you always... My first engagement was to my Mormon gay boyfriend in high school. He was gay. And I was gay. We just didn't know it yet.

Oh, my God. hilarious. You were match made in heaven. I know. So you didn't have a lot of sex? Never. No. There was none at all.

You know what? I'm really grateful for it. He was a really, still is like a really, really great friend. Yeah, yeah. kept me pretty safe during high school. I, you know, didn't have any unexplained pregnancies or anything like that. You could see the reason for it and see why it worked for what you. I mean, I could look back at all my past things and see it for that.

And I think that's the right way to look at things. Yeah. And I think, you know, with people that have, you know, gotten sober and done 12 steps stuff, like I really see the value in every relationship I've had. Yeah, totally. Even the really awful ones. Yeah, for sure. You know, I'm who I am.

taught you something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So go on. So you've, you had some guys, some women. What did you, when you were younger, like, did you always, did you think you were heterosexual and then you thought you were like, I mean, when did you come clear with like who you were and what you like? I mean, now you say you're a bisexual, homo-romantic and polyamorous. I don't know what the fuck homo-romantic means. There's so many words. So it just means that I have romantic feelings towards women. Right. Okay. So I have like same sex romantic feelings, but I'm definitely sexually attracted to men. I'm not repulsed by that at all. Right. Okay. And like being married to my wife, I see that there's a huge difference.

Mm-hmm. Because like, I am not repulsed by it. It's not something that I wouldn't want to do. Right. You know what I mean? Um, but like the idea of being in a relationship with a man does repulse me. Like holding hands, cuddling. Um, not even just that. Just like the power dynamic, like having to like stroke the male ego really grosses me out. That's so funny. Just having me like, straight women feel that way too, by the way. You know, that type of shit.

Yeah, but I feel that way. Maybe I should start dating women. I mean, like, I think straight women kind of feel a little bit of that always anyway. I mean, it depends on what kind of personality type you are, right? Yeah, I'm a very dominant person. Just like in my personality. And like, when I met my wife, I was in a really high power career. And, you know, a lot of the men that I was kind of.

of like dabbling with they can't really handle that and there's a lot of assumptions that go into heterodating that don't go into homo dating right um you know the assumption that i'm going to be uh you know a mom and stay at home mom and all that kind of stuff it just goes completely up the window it's not even something i have to deal with you know um it's a more of an equal partnership right I get it. So, I mean, there's definitely part of that. But also it's just that I, like, the romantic part of it just isn't there for me with guys. And it never was.

That's the other thing. I chose really terrible dudes for the most part. And I don't know if it's because subconsciously I just never actually wanted it to work or because I thought that's what I deserved or, you know, whatever. Yeah. I was an addict. I didn't have any self-esteem either, so that could have a huge part of it. And being raised extremely religious. I really wanted to give my parents that, like, storybook ending that they wanted.

You know, I wanted to marry a guy and have kids and do that for them. Right. Because that's what was always should hold for you to do. Yeah, definitely. And really, like, before I got sober, it was like my whole life, I was. just trying to escape the reality of what I was, I guess. I've always known that I wasn't straight. Yeah.

You know, I've always been attracted to women, but I never really allowed myself to pursue it. I did have a love interest when I was in college, a woman that I was kind of with in college, and that was at a really, really ultra-conservative Catholic college. and I just kind of pushed that away because it wasn't going to be acceptable in any way. Was that the first time you hooked up with a woman or had you dabbled before? I actually, my like first kind of like childhood love was also like my neighbor who was a girl. You know, looking back on it, I see this all now. But at the time, you know, I didn't really understand why I, you know, felt differently about her than I did about my other friends.

And, you know, always actually throughout my life, I've, my friendships with women have been closer than I would say. Most people would be, like more like a relationship, like the sort of possessive jealousy stuff would happen. Not from my end necessarily. from their end. Right. And it was always like that. And I never really got it as to why. Because I was raised really, really sheltered.

So a lot of this stuff just didn't make sense to me. And honestly, just caused me kind of a lot of shame and just feeling different. I just felt really like I was never. I remember when I was a kid, I used to just like pray that I would be normal or average or that I. It would, you know, that you could fit in, right, because you felt like different, very different. Yeah, that's a horrifying to feel that way when you're younger and, you know, and you don't realize that it's possible to be different and okay out in the real world, you know, when you're, when you're, well, you don't realize that there's no such thing. Right, exactly. But when did you first hook up with the girls?

What I had asked you, like, you had said you, like, you had that girl when you were younger, right? You had a crush, like, or you felt like that your neighbor, right? When you look back, you could see. But when was the first time you started hooking up with girls and then you really realize like you have a connection there as well? Well, okay. So when I started drinking, it became like okay for me to hook up with girls without being called out. So I started drinking a lot. And I became a young alcoholic.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was really my college years. I was like at my school, I was kind of the girl that. Everyone knew that that was something that it did. And so, you know, I would, you know, hang out with these big groups and, you know, get drunk and make out with whoever I wanted, basically. And I was really the only person at that school, not the only person. There were maybe like three or four people at that school who were liberated enough to just like do what they wanted.

Yeah. You know, and I was one of them. So I, you know, I made out with every. every girl that I wanted to there I kind of had my pick of the litter I suppose you'd say and that was real fun until I like caught feelings for one of them and then it was really hurtful because there was no progressing past that point right like she was maybe just drunk and that's all that it was she was just having experimenting maybe oh no she totally had for me too but she would never neither of us never cross that line

of where we were. Oh, you were both. Okay, it wasn't just on your, it wasn't, I was thinking it was like she didn't want to do anything, but you were ready. It was both of you were still too young

and too nervous to sort of go against the grain. Yeah, the school we lived at, like, people weren't even having like pre-marital sex there. I mean, it was very, very conservative. Right. It would have been a huge scandal.

for everyone. And so that was happening. And then I went home for my second Christmas break. And I was drinking a whole lot and doing a lot. And I went to my brother's New Year's Eve party. And I got very, very drunk, like blackout drunk. And ended up sort of being. assaulted by my brother's friend that I went to high school with.

I was blackout drunk with. It's hard to say, you know, what happened, but I definitely would never have wanted to do that. You know, I was, I was very innocent. Yeah. So, you know, at the time I, when I told my brother about it and they said, you know, he raped me and like it turned into this huge thing. And, you know, technically he did. I mean, I didn't, I definitely didn't want to do that. You know what I mean? And I, wouldn't have said okay to it, but I was blackout drunk. So I don't know what I said at that time. Right.

Yeah. But it definitely like, you know, it definitely affected me a lot. And when I went back to school that year, I was like a really broken person. I was, I was drinking a ton. Like at one time they found me in the park and I was just like with a bottle of vodka. It's just like passed out in the park. you know right and that type of stuff and I was you know I was 20 I wasn't even 21 yet so it was you know it was not good I ended up leaving the school because when they had found out what

happened and why I was acting like that they shamed me and you mean because of the rape yeah yeah and they found out about it and basically just said you know I had it coming for right what a different story if it would have happened like today Right. It's totally different. Right. But back then, of course, it was like you were the horror, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I ended up going and like traveling around the East Coast. I moved up to New Jersey with my friend. And we, you know, lived life, partied up there and went to the shore and stuff like that. But let me ask you this, because I know for a fact, one of your bullets was I was a heroin addict who was dating a Russian mob affiliate. Oh, that's coming. That's coming.

Okay, I was wondering if this is when it started after like what happened to you and everything. That's when you picked up heroin because I'm assuming you would have brought it up that you were doing it before. So you haven't started it yet in this part of the story. So I was the full blown alcoholic at 20. Uh-huh. I moved home and I decided to transfer to school in my hometown. And when I was in the break, I decided to go to a community college just to like keep my brain sharp. you know, for studying and stuff. So I go there and I don't know. So I don't know if you'll relate to this,

but when I see somebody that I know that I'm going to have a story with, I know right away. Like I know, I know it immediately when I need somebody. And so I meet this guy and he's, you know, he's this Russian. Oh, this is a monster. Yes, yeah. But yeah. Was he the one who got you into heroin? Yes. Yes. He introduced me to, um, to, um, to. in general. And when I say that I, the first time I did opiates, it was, um, it was like the answer for me. Like, it was like I saw God. Uh-huh. It was the, the best high I've ever had. And, you know, I've been living my whole life with this pain, you know, I had really deep pain. Yeah. My whole life. And I, it just took it away. And the pain was before this rape thing, right?

It wasn't from that, right? I'm assuming, because you. You got the crazy sister, because I know all your bullets, right? And other stuff that there's like probably stuff even way further back from there, right? That all that when you're talking about all this pain, right? I mean, it's like stuff that probably started really early on. Yeah. So my sister, yes, is crazy. But my brother is crazier.

You're like a three kids that are fucking nuts. There's four of us. Oh, okay. We're all addicts. Yeah. I mean, so something went, something was going on there for all this. So I'm just saying that because I've known, I've dated some heroin addicts, you know, after they had quit and stuff.

But like, and I know some people that have gone through phases and it's just like, I don't know anyone that's ever really gone there and stayed there for a while that wasn't in intense, intense pain. You know what I mean? Because you got to have something really bad. Right. You got to have something really bad that you want to numb out because that's like so hardcore, right? but it does do the trick.

That's what people say. Like it does like take that away like you said. Yeah, I always say no one wakes up and says, you know what? My life is so great that I think I'm going to start doing heroin today. Exactly. You know what I mean?

It's a long series of things. You know, it's the fact that I was even dating this guy should speak to my self-esteem. He was so mean to me. Like he was, I know, but listen, a lot of most women date fucking assholes,

okay? don't know. If you're halfway hot, if you're halfway hot, okay, and you're and you're a girl, you're going to fucking date an asshole. Okay. That's just, I mean, it's, that's just the way that it goes. So I don't know that that's both. My personality lends to it. Yeah. The fact that you saw him a mile away and you zoomed in on a guy that was going to get you high on heroin and he was a fucking liar and he treated you like shit. That's the dysfunctional part of you. You know, like I mean, you know, that you zoomed in on him. But like most people come in contact with those types of guys, you know, at that age, you were super young.

But, um, yeah. So he's the one that turned you on. And then of course, you immediately feel like this is the answer, right? Cause you, it takes away that pain. Well, right. And then also there's also like this confusion between like what the drugs doing to you and what you're actually feeling. And so like, you know, the love part of it.

Yeah. You know, the codependency, all of the feeling that you're getting from the drugs, it confuses your both. a bit where you're associating this person with relieving your pain. To my body, this person was like the delivery man of like the thing that made me feel good, you know? And so there was that piece of it. And then also he was really the first man I had been with who he was a liar, but he at least lied to me and said, you know, that he was my partner and he's got me. And did anyone in your life like outside of this little you know with the guy and his people that you were running around with

did anybody else on the outside get a hint of what you were doing did anyone know or were you honest were you open about it or was it all undercover i would assume right so yeah i was also because of the way i was raised and stuff i was pretty expert level at keeping my life a secret because my parents had no idea i mean they had no idea i was into that at all until I told them. And actually my brother, who's two years older than me, he came to visit me and he saw, he, he was a recovering drug addict. And so he saw it, you know, right, he knew the signs. He knew the world. Yeah. And so he saw, you know, he saw a couple of my tools. He saw, you know, things were not quite right. And he told my parents and I convinced my

parents he was lying. Right. And they believed me, you know. So he tried to help me when I was about three years in. Right. And I swiftly squashed that and didn't talk to my brother for another three years after that. But yeah, I did have people try to help me. And I was too smart, you know, in my own head. Yeah. Most addict. I mean, that's just, I had horrible grandiosity and ego. I mean, that was, you know, like, oh, yeah, you're going to try to take me down. I will ruin you! That type of thing.

Oh, my God. Scary. Yeah, I was a monster. I, you know, honestly, if people from back then were to talk to me today, they probably wouldn't even recognize me. It was that scary. And it was, yeah, I got myself really in deep with some really scary people. And how long did that whole? Because, I mean, it's so hard to get off of heroin, right?

So when you got sober, was that when you got sober on heroin and everything? Like, when you were 25? So I actually quit drinking before I quit doing heroin because my, so my boyfriend at the time, the Russian, his birthday party was in October. And we were all out at the bars and drinking and, you know, mixing drugs. and alcohol and stuff like that. And I got, you know, blackout wasted. And I'm, I don't know for sure if it happened or not, but I'm pretty sure I was drugged or I took drugs. Yeah, yeah. Without knowing what I was doing, because I was like completely blackout to the point where, like,

I have maybe like 30 seconds of brownout that I remember. But other than that, not. And basically, I woke up the next morning and I was like bleeding out of my rectum and my vagina. Oh, God. I was horrified and I was with, I was with my boyfriend and his friend. And they were just like, oh, I have no idea. I have no idea what happened. I was like, okay, well, take me to the hospital because obviously something happened to me. And then the police got involved and they interviewed everybody.

and basically the consensus was that my boyfriend let his friends and himself just do whatever they wanted to me. Oh, my God. Why, did they admit to it? Well, so this is, my mom, my mom had a copy of the police report, and I only saw it last year. Right. Because I was blackout and I didn't want to remember what happened to me. Yeah. But I read through the statements and basically his friend crumbled and admitted what happened. But I was so, like, deeply wound into my ex's shit that I refused to press any charges.

And I made the cops drop it. And then they charged me with filing a false police report. Oh, my gosh. So it was a big thing. But honestly, I was terrified. But is that, but you started that whole story with saying that that's, is that this is the reason why you quit alcohol. Oh, okay. So you quit drinking because you're like, oh, if I wasn't blacked out, this would have never happened to me, but you were still doing heroin.

Yeah. Like, well, probably more than twice, honestly. But like the first time and the last time were enough, you know. And so that was when I quit drinking. And I was like, all right, I'm only doing. I'm only doing opiates. And I broke up. Well, actually, he broke up with me.

He left me for our mutual friend. Oh, good. And basically blackballed me out of my entire theater community. He told everybody that I was cheating on him. That's why he was leaving me. And they cared? And your theater group cared? Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's weird. We were, like, deeply entrenched in that group. Right. Right. Well, why didn't you just tell everyone he was a fucking junkie? No, I mean, you could have like just got it. Well, they didn't believe me. I did tell people. They didn't believe me. He did, he pre-gamed it so far out that it was impossible. Right. He did it. I was just a huge piece of shit to everybody. Okay. Okay. So you know, you lost all your friends and him. And I got kicked out of school. So this is where you quit heroin?

That's when I quit drinking. And then he left me for our friend. I left that school and I decided to go out. on my own and be my own little junkie. Yeah. And I did pretty well. I went and I fucked every single dealer until they stopped and blackballed him. Yeah. And I waged an all

out war so that the only people he could get it from were the Russians who he had pissed off. Oh, God. So by bringing me in, he pissed them off. And then I just went on a complete like taskmaster for destruction. You're lucky you didn't wind him dead. Oh, I am. I'm very lucky. I'm

like seriously because you were like kind of fucking. with people that you just want to like, you know, you want them to not even know your name, let alone you're like getting them back. It's a little scary. Yeah. I know. I was really, I honestly, you're reckless. Well, that's the thing is, though, when you're doing heroin, that you have a death wish every day.

Yeah, that's the whole problem. So I didn't give a shit. No, I know. That's the scary. That's the reason why people who care about people don't want people to do, you know, be addicts and, you know, because you don't make smart decisions. Yeah. Well, you make selfish decisions.

Yeah. You know, and I did not care how my life turned out. I just wanted his to be worse. Right. And so I was on that path. I got into bed with a couple of pretty awful people. And then, so they broke into my parents' house and stole all of our family jewelry and heirlooms and my family's credit cards.

They stole the garage clicker out of my car and broke in and did that. And then my parents were in Italy at the time, and I decided at that point that I'm done. That was the breaking point for me. And when they came back, I told them, like, hey, I'm a heroin addict. I need rehab. And they said... You wanted help. Right.

Yeah. And they said, you know, pay for it yourself and you can stay here, you know, once you're clean. Yeah. Basically. And they said either do that or we're calling the cops on you. Uh-huh. Which was probably the best thing they could have done. Yeah, for sure.

And I went to state-funded jail rehab, basically. It was, you know, like court-mandated rehab. It's the only one that you can go to for free, basically. Uh-huh. So I did that, inpatient and then outpatient for a year. And I've been sober ever since. That's great. So it was like a year after the year quitting drinking?

Yep. Right. Okay. And then is that one you store, is that one like all of this other stuff? Because it's almost like you live like two separate lives, right? Like it almost seems like all of that stuff was like that one half, right? Up until you're like got sober, right? And then all this other stuff, right?

Is like when you get sober. like all the girl stuff and all the other stuff, because you have an actual conflict with your girl right now. Like this guy, right? There's a man involved, right? He's still kind of lurking around. Maybe I don't know.

We're going to get to that, right? I mean, but it just seems like after all of that was over and all this craziness is like, then you started to be true to who you were, which was more this homo romantic person, right? And you gave in and started to be who you really were. And that's when you started to date women. Yes. So I met when I was in AA, because I got a really great group for my AA and I had a wonderful sponsor. And part of that group was like this whole group of gay women. And I just really bonded with them. And they were just like, yeah, we're pretty sure you're one of us. You'll figure it out. You know. And I was just like, no, no, you know, my date men, blah, blah, blah. And because I still just was not ready to admit it.

Yeah. And then I became really, really close to one girl in the program, and we became like best friends. And after like three years together, let's, you know, two years together in the program, she told me that she was like in love with me. And I was like, well, I'm not, you know, I'm not gay. Like, you know, I think you're great and everything. But like, I just, I thought, to me, I thought, to me, I thought. I thought. that I enjoyed like hooking up with girls or whatever, but I didn't want to be in a relationship with a girl. I, you know, I thought that I liked men that way. Yeah. Just because I never had been in a relationship with a girl. So anyway, so she, she said, you know, like, well, what if this is like, you know, this is it and you're just not trying it because you have like these hangups or, you know, and we talked about it for a really long time. And then, you know, I, you know, I, you know, decided like this just feels right to me and I should pursue it. And so she was moving out of the state to go to law school and I decided to go with her. I really needed to get out of my

hometown. Yeah. Because it was just around every corner there was somebody that I had screwed over or somebody that had saw me act a fool or like, you know, it was just. You needed a new start. So that you could get, give a break. Yeah, and also, like, avoiding my ex and the Russians was also really difficult, and I just kind of went into hiding. Like, I just didn't do anything. I didn't go out. I didn't, you know, I just, I really became kind of a recluse.

Yeah. Really focused on my career, and I just, just focused on work all the time. I just didn't ever go out except to go to AA. So you move with her someplace far away. Yes. And when we were there, that's when she told me she was going to transition. Oh, this is the one you're engaged to before this one, right? Uh-huh. Yeah. And I had to tell my family. So coming out to my family was like the worst. Yeah. I can imagine.

It was really horrible. I told my, um, my brother first. and then he went and told my mom and my siblings, which really pissed me off. It's terrible. I mean, that should have been your, you know, time.

I was going to. I just wanted to do it myself, you know, and my family can't keep it. Like, they can't keep secrets. They cannot keep anything to themselves. Right.

So you probably should have known that and not told your brother. Well, he found out because my brother's just a little quicker. than the rest of my family to figure out my shit. Like he's better at decoding my lives. Right. He's the one that knew you were doing heroin? Yes.

Right, right, right. Same brother. And he's two years old and he were extremely close. Yeah. You know, so he can read me more than my family can. So yeah, he figured it out. He told my mom and we weren't talking at the time of the time. And so he called me and he was just like, so what, you're a lesbian now?

It's such bullshit. This is just another phase. blah blah blah and he's not homophobic at all but i'm he it's because i'm like um i just kind of decide like i'm going to change the way i am and then i do it and i don't really consult anybody and i just that's how i am and so he was just like oh look here's like another thing that she's doing and it's just going to be for a little while and like we just have to ride this out and whatever and uh so he like blew it up and And honestly, like, having the conversation with my dad was probably the hardest thing.

Because my dad and I are very close. And we have more than anybody else in my family, we have like an intellectual connection. So we always kind of shared, you know, like deeper conversations. And we never really talked about like what was going on in our lives. It was always Warner. But at this point though, they knew about the heroin, right? And they knew about all this like getting thrown out of school, right? So now you're dumping on them.

Oh, by the way, I'm gay on top of all those other stuff. It's a lot. I know. And I felt that was the biggest reason why I didn't want to tell them. Yeah. Was because I. Plus they have all these other misfits in the family too, right? I mean, they had to deal with the brother being a heroin addict, right?

No, my brother, my brother was a co-ed. Okay, he was a co-cat. But I mean, they knew about that, right? He had issues. An alcoholic, yeah. And then my other brother is an alcoholic and my sister is just a whole bag of trick. Oh, yeah, we love that. I love that little bullet. Yeah, I know, I know. We'll give the sentence at the end of those sentence you gave me because it's just so fascinating. But anyway, go on. I confronted her about that last weekend. No, no, but don't get off topic. Hold it because we have too much to get to. We're almost at an hour. Yeah. So, yeah, so I came out to my dad.

It was really, really hard. And, you know, basically I said, like, I'm just going to give you guys space when you're ready to talk to me about this. I'm, you know, where I am. Yeah. And so we went about three years without talking. Wow. Your mom, too? Like, phone calls.

We, like, had phone calls where, you know, we checked it and made sure everything was okay. But I didn't see them. I didn't go home. I didn't, you know, talk to them about what's going on in my life or... Right. That's a long time. Anything like that. Yeah.

Yeah. And then after my fiancé at the time transitioned. Oh, that guy. Okay. He's a guy now. Right. We realized like it wasn't going to work out. You know, he thought that he was probably attracted to gay men more than.

women now and like there's a whole lot of stuff that went along with that and it really really kind of you know devastated me like he he wouldn't like touch me for like a year and a half and finally I was like you know I need sex like I'm sorry but I need it and it's you know we can stay like platonic partners if that's what you want but I need sex like I need it and so he basically said I can go sleep with people if I want to. Okay. And that's when I met my wife. She was the

first person. Now where do you mean her? Because I know you said it happened really fast, right? Yeah, I met her online. And we started chatting online and stuff and then she asked me out. We went on date and I've been with her

every day since. How old is she? It just happened. So she was a young inn. She was 23. Right. But she was like the most mature person and still is like the most mature person. She's way more mature than I am. Right. She is like a workhorse type person and she's actually a bodybuilder. She's a strong woman. Right. She does strong, strong man. And she just balances me. That whole chaotic part of me that wants to just always have a new challenge and adventure and can't stay put. Like she really changed that for me. She stabilizes me.

She's wonderful. She's a wonderful partner for me. And I'm a really good partner for her. Right. And now when did you start to like open things up in your relationship? I'm saying I'm assuming that because you said you guys are very super honest and have been since day one. Right. Like she knew that you. So we've always, we've always been open.

Yeah. But it just never was something that either of us had any desire for. But how do you go in? But you have to have a discussion, right? As far as like open relationship, to have an open relationship, right? Like it has to be like straight from the beginning, like at those first couple meetings or when you're hooking. Like you're like, oh, like we don't believe in monogamy.

Like how does that conversation go? So part of it was that actually when I was with the trans guy, I had a religious conversion also. And I really stopped believing in Catholicism and became an atheist. Oh, yeah, that's that atheistic word you used. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And so that really opened my mind to like other possibilities for relationships. Because I figured, you know, I'm already gay. Like I'm already like in the hellscape as far as Catholicism goes. Right. You're already damned to hell. Yeah, pretty much. You might as well. And I really, like, began to explore what I'm into sexually.

And I realized really quickly, like, I am not a monogamous. Like, I'm just not. And so, like, when I met, you know, when I met my wife, I was still in a relationship with. Yeah, right. Because you were with that guy and he said, go, go find other people. So you were in an open relationship, meaning people. So you had to, I guess you told her, like, just so you know I'm with somebody, we're open. Right. Okay. Yeah. And so we discussed that. So on our first date, right, so she picked me up out in this little town and we went to this really beautiful dinner and she drove me back and gave me a tour of the town that she was from, which is a tiny like 600 person town.

Yeah. And it was dark and it was really creepy. But like I just trusted her for some reason. Normally my red flags would be like. like through the fucking roof if somebody was like taking me out in the middle of nowhere at night and so I found out later like she was just trying to avoid taking me back to her place because it was like a secluded farm where she lived and so she didn't want to freak me out by taking me back to this like super secluded farm so she was like biting time to like show me where we were right and so she takes me back there and we watched like four movies and then hopper parents showed up. So I met her parents our first date. And I was just like, this is weird. And then we slept together the first date after I met her parents. And then we talked right then about like

what we think about monoromy, what we think about like long term relationships, all that kind of stuff. And we kind of decided that we were just going to do what we wanted. And now did she want you to leave that guy or she knew you weren't happy and were exiting out? of that relationship anyway. I was exiting. You were exiting anyway. Now what was her history? Like were you going to be her first girlfriend?

Had she had other long relationships before? She had had like six long-term relationships with women only. And her first girlfriend and her second girlfriend were dating each other at the time. And she was like going in and guest starring for the. them like so I knew right away that like she was not a jealous person necessarily okay wait I have to my mind has to figure that out okay I got to put that into like a picture you have two girls are dating each other your girlfriend comes in and how does she wind up dating the both of them at separate times or at the same time so the first yeah her first girlfriend in high school that she was with for like

three years or something like she lived with her family in high school yeah um And then the girl she dated after that. Yeah. She had broken up with both of them and she invited them both over and they had a threesome and then those two girls started dating. Oh my God. That's hilarious. And then she kept sleeping with both of them.

Right. And they stayed together though. Yeah. And they were in a relationship. But she had been. That's so interesting. Right. So you get the idea like you say that she's.

She's open minded. Yeah. she's not, yeah, she's not like going to be possessive over me, obviously. Right. That was the other thing with hers that she really just allowed me to be myself and she loved me for being the way I was. Right. Which, you know, I have a big personality. And so like, you know, for most people I've been in partnerships with, there's like a lot of concessions that have to happen.

What do you mean? Concessions on my part. like I concede this one point, you know, like I have to, um, I have to, you know, compromise, um, like, oh, concessions. I thought you were saying confessions. No, no, concessions. Yeah. Yeah.

So there, you know, usually it's like, you know, there's like something that they can't stand about me that I do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just wasn't like that with her. And for me either. Like I didn't want to change her and she didn't want to change me. Right. That's because you met the right person. I think that that's what it's about for anybody. You know what I mean? It's just like when you meet the right person and that's how it should be, right? Unfortunately, sometimes it doesn't, it's not that easy finding that person, right? But, you know, that person does exist for a lot of people. And I think that that's when you know you met the right one because. And you know, truthfully, I had to actively in my head, I had to not follow my instincts. Right. That was the key for. this because in my head

I was like oh no you know she's she's to this she's to that she's not meeting my checklist you know basically yeah um in my head she wasn't your type quote unquote in weird right right you know like physically usually I'm

I'm not attracted to people like her and like I am usually attracted to like flashy charismatic um you know funny you know really life of the show type people yeah and

you know, I realized when I was going through my sobriety stuff and everything, I realized, like, that's the fucking problem. Every relationship has a gardener and a rose, and I need to be the rose. And I always put myself in a position to be the gardener. And then I get upset. And it's like, why am I upset at myself for doing this to myself? Like, you know, it's self-sabotage. You know, I'm never going to be happy dating somebody that has to be the story. And it's, you know, it's, of the relationship all the time. You need to be the star now? Well, I realize I need to be the pretty one.

Like, I need to be the one that, like, is being chased. Yeah. I need to be the one that's like, you know, I, being in a relationship with, especially with a man that's like too good looking for me. Yeah. Is detrimental to me. Yeah. Like, I cannot do that.

Yeah. Which I did many, many times. because like I'm I'm an attractive girl like I am attractive but I'm not but you don't want to go out of your league I totally understand that me my sister were just talking about the other day I'm like if you're like an eight you don't want to be with a 10.5 or if you're like because then you're always going to feel insecure about yourself I always feel like I owe them something or you know like I like I like I have to fight to keep them or something yeah I don't like it I think you should date within your league like you know I think guys like to get someone better than like I think it's

Like, do you know what I mean? Like there's some people that do like, but I couldn't handle it. I don't like it either. Some men like having a woman that they consider beneath them because it gives them more leverage. Yeah, you're right. A lot of them. Yeah, for sure. And those were the men that I dated because like for me it was a conquest. Like when I saw somebody I wanted, I'd be like, that's mine. I'm going after that. Yeah.

You know, and I always do that with men. You were like a little bit of a predator. I was a predator when I was young. I am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm aggressive and I'm, you know, and it's not as if I don't offer anything to a relationship or something like that, but, you know, it was always just like, I liked seeing people surprised at the guys I could get.

Yeah. I liked that. Right. Because like I'm, I'm a bigger girl. But long term, you wouldn't be right for, you wouldn't want that. Right. I mean, it mostly stems from the fact that, like, I'm a bigger girl. Yeah.

And in my family, I was talked down to constantly about that. And, you know, I was told, my sister told me that, like, if I don't lose weight, no man will ever love me. And so it was always like this thing like, oh, really, bitch, you want to see what kind of man I can get to love me? Because I've been proposed to four times. Right. It was like you're proving something just because of what they were saying to. Well, I made a decision that, like, no one's going to tell me who I can and can't sleep with. Right.

And that was really what it came from. Like, I know that I can get any, I can get any guy in bed. That is not an issue. Like, any girl that feels insecure about that is lying, is being lied to. Like, put your hand up and say, hey, I will suck anyone's dick and you will have a line out the door. I know a lot of girls don't know that. I used to always try to tell my friends, like, they don't understand how much easier. And even especially like, heavier girls, like, girls are, like, they would think, like, guys only, like, skinny girls.

I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind? Like you don't know how real men think, you know, and I just think... You just got to bring something to the table. I think you just have to... I don't even know if they have to bring that much to the table. I think if you have like big tits, sometimes that works. Like, I mean, like, I just think that... Yeah, like, I just don't think...

Know what you bring. Yeah. And then... But also... Straight men or girl, whatever. They like all different types of things. So I think it's important for women to know that. You knew that.

You were smart, you know, and you proved it to those naysayers in your family that were putting you. you down, but a lot of people don't know it. But this girl, could we get to this stuff with your girl? Because I'm wondering where it's up because you guys seem to have like you have a good relationship. You're so honest with each other. She, you said she's not a jealous type.

She's not a possessive type, right? She had all this openness before. You guys have been together for a while. Your relationship was always open. She knew you had an attraction to a specific man. Is that what happened? Like how did this guy come about? out? So I was I was selling cars for a while and I was like the best female salesperson at my dealership.

Right. And this guy came in one day and I just, I saw him and I had that click right right from the beginning. which had not happened to me in like five or six years at that point. Right. I mean, I had not had that with a person. And part of it was, he was. And especially not a man, right? Because did you even think that you still had sexual feelings for men or no? Right.

So that must have come out for like it was like a surprise. Yeah, it was. And he had the same thing with me. I know he did. Um, right, you know, right when we met each other, uh, what he said is I looked at him like I was, he said, I looked up at him like I already had his dick in my mouth. Oh my God. And I was like, yeah. I mean, I, and I felt that right away. I mean, it was like electric, like right away. Yeah. And then I got to talk into him. Yeah. And he's, you know, he is a poly guy. Like, like, doesn't he doesn't commit to anything he's totally like rolling stone type like you know openly says like not in the market for any sort of commitment for anything and he's very adventurous

and he's i should i should mention he's a black guy uh-huh which i had not been with black guy yet and it's something I'd always wanted to do because I have my cultural checklist of all the different yeah yeah yeah that I want to fuck and he was one of them right um yeah and we just clicked on a friendship level like right away and I I was like okay this is really like intense and I talk to my wife about it like right away and uh you know she said well you know I think if that's something then you really feel like you need to explore than you should. And so I let myself do that. But it was, so to start out, like, we didn't even touch each other because I wasn't sure

if I wanted to get into it. And I knew that if there was any hint of anything, that it would go, you know, I wouldn't be able to control myself. Right. You knew that if like you started going, you'd have sex, right? Like you go to me. I knew if I was alone in a room with them. Yeah.

That it would be bad. Like I knew that. And really truthfully, I had not had that with a person sober in really, in a really long time. Like, usually that would happen to me when I get drunk. But like sober, I have pretty good control of all my faculties. But I had the most insane lust towards this guy. Like I was dreaming about it. Every time I closed my eyes, I was thinking about like his hands on my skin.

Like I just, it was making me crazy feeling. And, you know, and I wanted, you know, I wanted to be honest with my wife about it because like it was out of my control too, which really freaked me out. Like normally I can control that, you know, like I just, I just put it out of my mind and it's over. You know, it's not as if I've never been attracted to another person, you know. But I just like was completely consumed by it. And then he like invited me over to his apartment. And I was like, I don't know. You know, and I went and I talked to my wife and I was like, what do you want to do?

And she was like, well, I'm okay if you do it, but I want to like have control over what's happening. So she said, you know, I want a picture. I want this picture taken and I want you're not allowed to come and that type of stuff. And so she like kind of turned it into like a kind of sexy thing for her to have control over what was happening. What kind of picture did she want? Like of you guys doing something together like a hot picture? She wanted him to take a picture of me like bent over before he fucked me. Right.

Okay. And so I sent that to her. like followed her rules and um when i came home she was like waiting with like she had like a paddle you know in her hand she was like were you a good girl and she made me like crawl across the floor you know when she made me tell her if i broke any rules and i said i broke a rule because i came and and then she like beat my ass you know that type of thing right and then you guys had Good sex. You and her.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. It was great. And then she kind of decided that maybe she wanted to, um, like, be with him. Like, she thought about having a threesome with us. And actually having sex with him, like her first guy? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Because he was, he's like, um, he is just a different kind of guy. Like, honestly, I've never really met anybody. like him like he's just really easy to be around really comfortable like but had she met him?

She'd met him but she didn't really know him very well but she just saw how attracted I was to him and I think it turned her on I guess. Okay so she she saw how horny you were for him so she thought maybe she could be a horny for him too well she thought maybe it would be exciting to like see him fuck me and like you know all of that

and she was interested to like be with a man like she you know she never has been before and so it's like she's never felt safe enough I don't think um to like even approach it with somebody and um so we were planning on doing that and I had him over and they you know they were drinking and I was smoking a little weed I do smoke weed a little bit um it helps me with anxiety and things like that and so So I, we were like sitting around talking and then it was really weird. All of a sudden she was just like, no, like this is done. She got freaked out.

Yes. And, and so like we, you know, we hung out and like finished out the night, but nothing happened. Yeah. And then she like completely broke down and told me that she's, not okay with it and that she feels like I cheated on her, which I didn't. You know, like I didn't do anything dishonest, you know. And so it was like this really weird situation where like she feels betrayed by me, but I didn't betray her. You know, I was never dishonest. I followed every guideline that she gave me. Yeah, but she obviously wasn't honest with herself. Because like,

listen, you know, it's one thing where she's allowing people she was with in the past hook up together. I would let, you know what I mean? Like that doesn't mean, it's, it's not like she was dating one of them and let the person date someone else. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you were saying like, oh, because of her past, she had those two girls. She dated each one separately. And then when she was done with them, she hooked them up and she didn't care and she slept with them. But that's like somebody that's in control of the situation.

and she wasn't like in it was a very different situation that doesn't necessarily mean that she would be okay with her partner being with someone neither one of those were her partner at the time they were old news you know what I mean right they were like you know been there done that so she was done with them so it's it is a different new scenario and what she probably thought she could handle it but when it actually happened I think seeing us together really freaked her out because she realized like... But I even think about the rules she had when... I don't know.

Like, I don't know like how into it she was from the beginning. Like you couldn't come. I don't know. It seemed like she might have been a little freaked out right from the beginning. Or maybe she didn't know how she was going to feel. So she put these kind of, you know, rules into it. And then she was like turned on. But I don't know that.

But maybe she really knew exactly how she would feel. That's all I'm saying. And obviously she didn't because she wound up being not cool with it at all. Right. And she felt really guilty because she knows like I didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, right. Other than like believing when she told me that it was okay. Yeah.

Right. You were honest with her. She said it was okay. Like I mean, you guys discuss things like, you know. Yeah. And, you know, I was honest with him also. Yeah. He knew that it was okay with her. Like he was concerned about that as well.

Like he, you know, he was like, I want to make sure, you know, that you guys aren't going to blow up your relationship. She's a lot younger too. I mean, she's like in her early 20s, right? Still? Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, she's 26 now. Right.

But still, I mean, you know, like before this, has she ever had an open relationship like in this way? I mean, you guys are married, right? No. Right. So, you know, I don't know that, like I said, I don't think she lied to you. I think she just didn't know any better, you know, and then it happened. I don't think she lied either. No.

You know, I, and I don't feel any resentment towards her for that either. The hard thing was at that point when she told me, like, it's not okay. The first thing I said was like, if it's not okay, then I will stop. Right. Like that's, you know, this is, you're more important. Like, I'm, I'm never going to do anything to purposely hurt you. Yeah, that's good. You know, I, you know, however, I still have, like, intense feelings towards this guy.

So, you know, like. Well, wait, let me ask you this as far as timeline from like, we're talking today. And, like, how long ago was the hookup where she was like, oh, this. A year ago. Okay. So in the past year, You have stayed friends with the guy? So right away, so the first thing that I did was I quit that job because I could not, I could not be around him.

Oh, he worked there. Yes. Okay. So that was the first thing. And that job, like, honestly was like a throwaway job for me. Like I, my career was in like corporate management. Right. Okay.

Before that. And I was just like, in between things. So I was. So it was fine. Right, right, right. So you let go of the job so you wouldn't see him anymore. Right. And then like I, you know, I told her that I would cut it off and I wouldn't see him anymore.

And she knows that I still talk to him sometimes because I'm, it didn't do anything wrong. So it's like I felt I didn't want to just. like completely cut him out of my life necessarily, but I know that's what she wanted me to do. And so I feel like there's a little bit of but why

didn't you cut, why wouldn't you cut him out of your life completely? Is it because you're still attracted to him? And you don't want to let go of that? I, yeah. I mean, I feel really guilty about it. But like I,

I still have, like pretty strong feelings towards him. Right. And I would assume she doesn't know that, right? Right. You don't tell her that now, right? So now it's like a little bit weird because you're going from like having this relationship with this girl, you know, your wife where you guys are always so open.

Right, right, right, right. Because it upset her. Like when I say that it upset her, it devastated her. Right. you know and I don't want to hurt her how does she feel about you still being friends with them even though she kind of doesn't want you to I think she knows that I'm going to do what I want and um you know and I am honest with her like when when I do talk to him I say like

you know hey you know I talked to him um you know his brother died recently and I was like there for him a little bit and do you ever hang out with him I have a couple times. She knows. No. Oh, interesting. But I have told him like it's not on the table. Have you filled around with him?

No. Okay, good. So you're not going to cheat on her with him. No. But you are. Honestly, it's not even, it's not even sexual anymore. I have like a really genuine connection with him that I don't find with many people. Well, then maybe you need to like, maybe you need to have a.

new discussion with her to talk about your new relationship with him. And I think, you know, maybe she'll be cool with that. Maybe I'll take her a little while to trust the situation again, but once she sees if that sexual attraction isn't there at all anymore and there just is a genuine friendship, like maybe you could all be friends. You know what I mean? But like maybe you need to reintroduce him. I haven't crossed the line since I said I wouldn't. Yeah. But I still, um, I still have Desires. Pretty intense lust.

But you just, right, that's what I thought. But then you just said, oh, but like it's just we have a genuine. It's not sexual. It is more than that. It's like, um, like I just want to be around him, whatever that is. Yeah, what is that? Yeah, what is that? I don't know.

I don't know. This is where your brother would be like, oh, this is him being. Look, she's into just something else. And now it's a new thing. And now she's into. this guy. So she's got a black guy. This is, this is like, this is you. Oh, no. I know. And it's, um, so like I, I almost feel like it's, it almost feels like I'm like doing drugs again. Like, I don't like it necessarily that I'm like being deceptive in any way. Right. But the addict in you,

yeah, but the addict in you is going to be attracted to keeping all of that going on. If it gives you that feeling like just for you saying it feels like I'm on drugs is going to keep you that's why you can't let him fucking go because even not sleeping with him or anything just this whole scenario is getting you fucking off well and he makes me feel um even like without sex or whatever like he just makes me feel good i don't know how to explain but your life makes you feel good that's what you said yeah she does so i don't is it is it the situation in what way does he make you feel good that she doesn't Um, so she, um, she is a very, um, driven. And, uh, so she, she's gone from 6 a.m. till 8 p.m. every day. Okay. And I quit, I quit working to support her. Uh-huh. Um, I cook all of her food and, uh, you know, clean the house. And I work part time, but it's not the same.

Like, I used to work 70 hours a week, and now I work, like, 30. Yeah. And so, like, he makes me feel like I'm my own person. How? He likes to, you know, he likes to talk about, like, things I like to talk about, like, politics and philosophy and stuff like that. And my wife doesn't like to do that. That's one thing.

She is really, really, really focused on her goals. And so much of our partnership is working towards those goals and like discussing more like business stuff. And, you know, a lot of our relationship is towards driving her goals now, which is fine. And that's what I want to do and that's what I signed up to do. But I don't have something that's mine. And that's what you get from him. Yes. Right.

But I maybe talk to him like once every couple weeks. Okay. That's not that bad. Twice. Right. You know. In the past year. Yeah.

Do you feel like it's building to something or do you think like what you have now that's talking to him every couple of weeks and seeing him once every six months is like something is as far as it's going to go or do you feel like you're getting to the point? where you're going to need more, you know, like a true attitude? Or do you think you could keep it at this sort of distance that it is now? Because if you could keep it this way, then you have to go in and have this conversation with her somehow because what's going to happen is, I mean, this could really fuck up your relationship with your wife.

And I don't know how important that it is to you because, you know, I mean, you say. But you say you're polyamorous, right? And this is a part of being polyamorous. Well, we're not anymore. Okay, but you are. But you say that you are. What I'm trying to say is that like, you know, at the end of the day, if you want to have an open relationship, like you went into this one saying, right?

And you said she accepted you for who you wore. But like, she doesn't really want the same things you do if you, if this is what you're looking for. You know, I'm just wondering if like, she's the one that sort of changed, right? You didn't, but you're the one that was doing the stuff. Like, I wonder if like she went out and fucked a guy or another woman and started and had a deep attraction to them. If you would be just totally fine with it. I don't know, you know, but that's what you guys decided was going to be the case. Now, before this guy, you guys said you had an open relationship. Did she fuck other people too at any point? Right. So I just wonder how you would feel. Like I know that you guys went into this saying that you guys were all these things, but I think

maybe you're not. And I don't know if she's just not and you really are or you're both not. And I don't know. But I think you got to figure that out. Because if you're polyamorous and you want it to be open, maybe this isn't this girl, because it doesn't seem like she does want it to be that way. It seems like she tried it and realized like, ah, this ain't fucking for me. for me like the number one most important thing to me is having a harmonious relationship with my wife like honestly that that and that's why well then you should you should just lingering i should just cut it off yeah you have to it's like a drug just like no this is what it is this is how you have to look at it because what he it's not him okay i know you think it's him and he's giving you it's you're using him you're using him like you used heroin or any other fucking drug okay your relationship is the real thing in your life. This is, I know.

I think working 30 hours a week and washing the fucking clothes at home is wrong for you. I think this is why you're having this other thing because you have too much fucking time on your hands. You said, you didn't want to be, you said, oh, early in the conversation, you said, oh, the reason why I knew I never like guys is because they want me to be that stay at home mom. That's not fucking me. Look, you're home.

You're like the stay at home bitch. Cleaning the house. Like, you know, working half part time when you were like, someone who used to work 70 hours. I think maybe there's a little middle ground there. Maybe you don't have to work 70, but you should probably be full time. I don't have a middle ground. Okay, but you need to find one. That's what's like getting sober is all about is being able to be a little bit more moderate, right? And stuff. I'm not, you don't, but what I mean is that like, I think that you're, this guy is some sort of addiction and it's not him. And you need to fucking cut it out just like you

cut anything else off, you know, and that will save your marriage. Because I do believe it will eventually lead to more things. And it's just, it's poison in your relationship with your wife right now. Because I don't think it's, like I said, I don't think it's, she already said she's not into it. And you feel bad about it. I mean, you hear me talk to other people. Like, there's people that cheat and they're fine.

I don't know. It's like a different situation. But when someone feels shame in my game. And this is like not good for me. So, yeah. So. So you're doing something that you know is wrong. And it was devastating to her, you said.

And I just don't think that that's fair to do to her. Or maybe you're not being honest in your relationship and there's something. Or you have to let her know that you're still friends with him. I mean, because you said at first, oh, like, you know, now it's just we're just friends. And like, you know, so I'm like, okay. So then you tell her that. And like, explain it. But you're like, but no, I'm still actually really horny for him.

So like, that's not going to fucking work. Like, I'm sorry. He needs to be out of your life completely. because I believe that you're using him to fill up a void because you don't have as much going on in your life right now the way things are set up. I totally agree with you. And when I initially wrote you, I was like conflicted about it. And then I just went. So my wife qualified for this like national championship in what she does.

Uh-huh. And, you know, that we've both been working really hard towards. And so we went to go to that and we went on vacation together for 10 days. And, you know what? Like, we have an awesome relationship, like, amazing. And I would not risk it. I'm not going to risk it. Like, I made that decision.

And we're actually looking at. possibly moving for her work to a different part of the country that would effectively give me that separation. Yeah, I think that'll be good for you. But you have to like always,

but what you have to realize about being an addict and I've had to check myself a lot of the times is, you know, because it's hard to get every demon out right and be a totally quote unquote normal person that you might always have the tendency to like in certain times, you know, to sort of escape, right? And to to latch on to something and use it in an addictive way.

And it's just because it's not a drug or alcohol doesn't mean it's not, you're not doing that, right? I've hooked on to like I was a hypochondriac. I would hook onto brain tumors that I didn't have. You know what I mean? Like anything to keep myself from like facing my fucking reality, you know, and just take me out of things, you know, so. I can tell you exactly what triggered this.

What was it? So I was a corporate call center manager for five years, and I worked relentlessly towards that. And I got really cruelly ousted out of my role. And they made me sign a non-disclosure and a non-compete, so it effectively terminated my career completely. I couldn't work anywhere in town basically. Right. And so I just felt completely powerless. I mean, I...

Right. That's why you signed up to stay at home while she goes to work and you says, sweep up. It's just not you. It's not you. And that's why you have this other thing going. Just taking up, it's fulfilling some kind of void in you. If you got to go out and get your life back, something new in your life to fill you up that has to do with you.

And then you could keep the relationship that you have. This guy doesn't, it's... he's a nothing burger in your life. He's like, I promise you, he's not that intense. The intensity that you have and that attraction, all that. It's an addiction. But it's not about him. What you have, like I said, that's real that you need to focus on is your girl.

And then what you need to do is you fill up those other hours of your life that you're not. And maybe moving will be the best thing for you. But you have to end that relationship and then sit with the uncomfortableness of like, what do I do now that I don't have this to sort of obsess about and use, you know, direct your energy into, if you're going to obsess about something, obsess about something that you're going to do for yourself, that you need to do. I've taken steps towards that. And that's it.

But what you have to do since you're doing that and you know, right, then you have to, you have to cut him out and all that, that, you know what I mean? You have to, you have to quit him. I know. That's it. I know. I'm also a couple weeks. away from getting my first foster child, which I'm really excited about.

You're kidding. No. That's amazing. We're going to take in LGBT kids. So are you going to stay home with the kid? Yes. Yeah, but don't you hear like what you said in the beginning where you're like, I would never be the stay at home mom, like, then this is who you are.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Well, I'm not staying at home. Okay. I'm not staying at home. I still have a job. There's nothing wrong with that. But that is going to, listen, that is going to take up so much of your time. Yes.

and be like a life changer that that guy's going to fall to the wayside anyway. Do you understand? I was always told that there's nothing better than when you're feeling sorry for yourself. There's nothing better than helping somebody else. And so that's what I need to do. And how old's a child going to be? 14.

But you're going to have another person to take care of. And listen, isn't that what like, I didn't do AA that hardcore, but like isn't that what being of service was all about and why they make you do things like that to show you to get out of yourself, you know, a little bit and that's what you have to do.

So I think that this is going to be like a new, a whole new change up in your life is going to be good. Cut him out and keep that relationship going to go. Or else you're going to sabotage and you're going to ruin things and it's not going to be worth it because if you lose her there's nothing with that guy.

No. And I'm not under any delusion that there is. No, but I'm just saying that what are you going to be left with? I know that. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're just not letting go of the drug. Remember how. you quit heroin. Remember how you quit drinking. And you have to do it with him. I've quit many things myself. I quit drinking. I quit smoking. I quit carbs. I've quit like I'm a good quitter. I'm a vegan too. Yeah. There's no way you're not a good

quitter. You quit heroin. Okay. There's nothing fucking harder than that. A lot of most people are not successful at that. Right. So you could quit this fucking guy. Okay. He's not good as good as heroin. You haven't even fucked him yet. So quit him while you're ahead before you cheat. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Yeah. And figure out if you're polyamorous or what it is, have some more conversations with your girl. Figure out really who you guys are and what you want in your relationship. So this doesn't happen again. Yeah, I agree. I think me being fulfilled is probably the most crucial part of it. I just have to feel valuable. And I told her that too. You know, I have to feel like, you know, when I'm serving her, you know, I want to be the best at that.

You know, she needs to tell me that I'm the best at it. You know, I need that. Right, but you have to be serving yourself. Yeah. You know what I mean? Didn't you say you're the rose? I mean, you're the gardener. I don't know.

I don't know. Who are you in the situation serving her while she's working? Now I'm the gardener. And who do you want to be? Who did you say you want to be? I know. Who did you say you need to be? I need to be.

You're going to have to listen back to this podcast because you'll hear it all. I remember it because I'm not you. You're inside of you. But when you hear this whole story outside of yourself, it's going to be really interesting when you hear certain things. You know what I mean? You'll put them together again, you know? And it's going to be interesting to you because I hear those things, right? Because like I said, I'm not you. I'm outside of the situation. You're going to hear this whole story third person and you're going to see the things that I see as well. And it's going to, it's going to help you do what you already know you have to do. You've already conquered. these kind of hurdles in your past before.

It's just doing it again. And to me it's easier because like I said, you've conquered way worse demons in your life. This guy ain't nothing, but you got to do it. And it is hard. I know it. I'm an addict.

Once an addict, oh, he's a fucking addict. I could get addicted to a piece of lint on the floor. It's like, I have to, if I get like my son, I have a son down and he's got to eat like really crappy food. And I don't eat crappy food because if I ate french fries, I eat like 10,000 of them.

Do you know what I mean? I have no portion control. I literally have to put like, what is that, dish soap over his french fries when he's done or else I'm going to fucking eat him. Like that's how psychotic I still am. But it's like, you know, you're always going to have a little bit of that in you and you have to control it. And this is, you know, if I'm putting suds on French fries, that's one thing. But like you're like almost about to have an affair. You're kind of are having an affair with the guy because what you're doing, you're being dishonest.

So it's just if she found out she'd be fucking pissed. so, you know, you have to stop it. You have to cut it out. Put soap on him, just like I do to those franchise. You got to, you just got to kill it. Okay? And could you keep me posted? I mean, this is where like an hour and a half, it's a long podcast.

So if we have to do a part two when shit goes down. I hope you don't get busted, okay? And nothing happens. Yeah. I mean, you guys are, so just end it. The thing is, like, I'm not like sneaking around and shit. Like, you know, I. But there's something about it that you don't feel right about.

So, and I think that, like, she would not, she'd be pissed. So, and you, and you know, it's something that you're not doing that you know. And so I think now that you do know, and you know all these other things, you got to, you got to make those changes. And the first change of, like, setting up your life again is getting him out because he's taking up the space. You can't, it's like, I tell people, like, with quitting drinking, sometimes you can't know, like, who you are, or all the thing, or the reason why you. you were drinking until you quit it. Like you don't know why you're keeping him in your life until you get him out. And then you'll be like, oh, okay, now I realize why I had him because I feel unfulfilled because

I don't have a fucking life. Like, you know what I mean? Or I feel this, whatever. But you're not going to know what it is that you need to do until you get rid of him. Yeah. And I, the other thing that's sort of difficult with it, I guess, is like, you know, I've told her before like she has this thing that she's working towards and I don't and dad I've said that 10 times. Yeah. And I've told her that. And you're the older one and you had stuff already. Yeah. And you know, she's never had somebody who like supported her to do what she was trying to do. And so that's what I'm trying to do. But I need things from her to like. No, you both have to be. I thought you said you wanted this because it's like more equal. Like you, you're not having an equal relationship right now. You're like,

You're like having a relationship with a woman that you feared you'd have with a man. That's the whole irony of it. You got yourself in the exact situation you didn't want to be in and you didn't see yourself. Now, I don't know what that means. Like maybe you realize, oh, you are more nurturing and you don't, and you do like staying home. I don't know, but you need to figure that all out, you know. But like I said, you have to give him up first and then figure out what you want and go get it for your life. You're still young.

You're 32. Some people think that's old, but for me, I didn't get sober until I was 34 and start my life. So like, to me, you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You have, you know, this is the time to figure all this shit out. You know, this is just another thing you're going to go through. And he's a tiny little hurdle, but get him out. And let me know when you do, and we'll do a part two.

I might have to, but make this too, because we're at an hour and 34 minutes. It's such too long. Do you think, okay, I have one more question. Yeah. Do you think that I have to like have a conversation with him about it or do you think I can just stop calling him? Well, you only, I mean, I personally would have, I don't know what kind of relationship what you have with him. But like if his brother just had and you have a call like, you could say to him like, listen, I just want to let you know that I'm not going to be calling anywhere because my girl doesn't really like it. And, you know, I just, I just wanted to explain that to you, you know, and just don't call me anymore.

You know, you could say that. Or if you rarely talk, right? Like you could just never call. But what if he calls it? Does he call you or you always initiate? I mean, if he's going to do it, I think it's much better to have a conversation so you know that. I think for you, you need to have a conversation. Probably, yeah.

You know? So you really know that he's not going to contact you and you're not going to contact him. Yeah. I mean, the other piece of it is that like I'm just not the type of person that like does the breaking up thing. You're not breaking up. You guys don't have a relationship, okay? You're just ending and you're doing the right thing. You have broken up.

You broke up with heroin. You broke up with alcohol. You broke up with men. You broke up with that guy that was turning into a guy. Now you're breaking up with this guy. You've done it before. You will do it. And you just have to, you're a very honest person.

You're direct. You're manipulative. You're all the things that you are. It should be no problem. You sold fucking cars. Okay. Go sell this guy a breakup. you could do it

I know I can you can you just don't want to all this you don't even want to get out the phone with me because you want to hear something different you can't end on this because you don't want it to be the end with him but it needs to be eventually and that will I don't know how long it'll take

maybe three months I don't know but can you contact me when you do it? Yeah okay okay you'll be good on the other side I know it's hard but you're gonna be you're gonna it's you're gonna be much better on the other side of this. But let me know when you get there.

I will. Okay. Thank you, Amber, for calling in and you got to keep me posted on this one. I'll do my best. I hope you'll do your best. All right, let me know how it goes. And let me know what you think after you listen to this.

I can't wait until you hear it. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available, in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until

August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like, there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters.

It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them, they're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format.

back format. And finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to

my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at Gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast.