Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 302 - Kandi Wants to Find a Guy who Will Accept her and her BDSM Lifestyle

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

Kandi really wants companionship in her life but she can't seem to find a guy who accepts her kinky bdsm ways and wants to date her. How kinky is she and what is she into that most men find hard to accept? Is she dealing with the madonna-whore complex or are there other issues blocking her from finding a boyfriend? And if so, what are they and how can she overcome them? Tune in to find out plus hear all about her messed up childhood which includes stories about her manipulative father and how he sexually abused her and many other family members, her mother who knew about the incest but did nothing about it, religion and how it played a part in the denial of her fathers pervasive pedophilia, how BDSM has helped her take back control of her sexuality and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the strictly anonymous podcast. Strictly anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. Your friend know that you're banging her or no? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to rehire. your whips and chain. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the strictly

anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous. If you want to be on the show, this is a call and advice show where I give total strangers my unprofessional advice. I also listen to people talking about their interesting lives or secret lives, their naughty lives. So if you fall into any of those categories, you want to be on the show, send me an email at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at Gmail. or go to my website strictly anonymouspodcast.com and click on be on the show. Today I have on a girl named Candy and Candy calls in and we focus a lot about the fact that she just wants to meet like a normal guy and have a relationship and that just has alluded her her

whole life. But we wind up talking about like a lot about her past too because she's got like a pretty hardcore past. You know, she was, she had a. a dad who was like super controlling. There was incest involved with that father. She had a not available, not so great mom or I wouldn't even say not so great.

I would say not great, not good at all mom. And a lot of other really like crazy things have gone on with her. We talk about how she's coped with those kinds of things. What happened? How it's those kinds of things have been expressed in her sexuality and what kinds of stuff she sort of is into

because of the stuff that has happened to her and how she's gotten control over everything. I mean, this is a girl that I have to say, considering what she's been through, she holds her fucking own, okay? Like, seriously. Like, you know, you could even just get the sense just hearing her speak that she's pretty together.

And like I said, considering what she's been through, you'll be pretty amazed. So anyway, sit back, relax. and I will be right back on with Candy. How are you doing today? I'm doing well. Thank you. So everyone now that emails me as listeners of the show, right?

You're a listener of the show. And you have a really interesting story. I don't know that I've had this topic on. I mean, it's like you have a couple different things going on. But like how it started out, right, is something that I don't think I've had on my show yet. I've been doing it for four years. But yet I think it's like something that's common.

because they do say that one in four people, right, I think is the stat, have been molested in their life, right? You had a situation of, like you said, incest in your early years and were very dominated by your father and that turned you into who you are today. And that runs into other things, right? Sexually speaking that we're going to talk about as well.

But like I wanted to get into that stuff first before. Because I think to, in order to understand who you are and what you're into now, right? you have to know that story. Yeah, yeah. And what actually made me, like, reached out to you at first is because the first episode I listened to was one recently about a woman that had had a really abusive boyfriend. Right. It just, you know, it really, I was like, oh, my God, I really need to, like, talk about this because it is.

It's all intertwined, right? Because it's affected my sexuality, obviously immensely, but also just my life and my interactions. just in relationships. I mean, it has impacted me on all levels. Yeah, and sometimes it could show up in other areas of your life, too, like, you know, in career and stuff as far as, like, how much success you can welcome in your life depending on, you know, how fucked up your self-esteem is, right?

You could have, I think, what happens a lot of times, too. Sometimes people are overachievers. Like, I've seen it's like the different side of the different side of the same coin, right? Like some people could become the crazy overachievers, and some people could become. like not anywhere close to who they should be because they were stomped on at a younger age. You know what I mean? Like their light was sort of like put out by stuff that was put on them, right?

So it could really come out, I think, in all areas. But like relationships is one of the worst, right? Because it really changes your life. And this was something that happened with your father, right? I'm assuming? Yes, it was my father. And so what do you? I mean, obviously you remember stuff because I feel like a lot of people have like repress

memories and stuff like that. But you said like you were dominated by him until your 20s. Does that mean he was like forcing you to have sex with him up into that age? Or was that other stuff when you were younger, but he was just like a domineering type of personality? Like, what was the deal? Um, so he liked, uh, little kids. And so after a certain age, I essentially aged out of this sexual abuse. But he continued to, um, emotionally and mentally dominate me. well into my 20s and ironically you know I've had about 10 years of therapy now and even uh he um visited me on un requested um out of the blue a few years ago and even then I could see how he was still doing it like I was still in a sense prey to it even it on on a very subconscious

level despite all of my growth and my you know and my I mean I'm not as smart I'm a very smart person. Like, I'm no dummy. And so, but even then, like, I still was prey to it after all, after so many years. Yeah, because I think it like triggers like that child thing in you, right? And so you're not sort of operating at that moment as your smart grown-up self, right? You're up, you're operating as like, it's triggering you and then you're going into that childlike state. And I think that's what sometimes happens. And that's when people sabotage and stuff like that. and they just, they do, they act in ways that don't seem, you know, like congruent to who they are now, right? But that's because, like, you have that inner wounded child inside of you.

And if you're triggered the right way, especially if it's, you know, you're, you know, the person who did the abuses right in front of you. So, of course it's going to be triggering. So you don't talk to him. Like, how long has it been that he's not in your life? Um, so I stopped talking to him about three years ago. I also don't talk to my mother. She knew about it and she did nothing to stop him. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one either.

How many kids in the family? I don't know. Honestly, I don't know how many people, how many kids he did it too. Well, how many do you have sisters or brothers? I have a brother. I think I was the only, so it's just me and my brother. So I was the only one in the immediate family, but he also did it to my cousins as well. Right.

Now, was it only females? Did he do it to males too? Only females, yes. Only females. And so your mother knew, did other family members know? They did, yes. And nobody did anything about it? Or did somebody do something about it?

Because you said you aged out. So I'm assuming that nobody did anything about it because... No, yeah, because it had happened to my cousins that were older than me. And then this is the other piece I didn't mention to you is I grew up an incredibly crazy religious home. And so the motto was shove everything under the carpet and under the guise of forgiveness. So my family, quote unquote, forgave him for what he had done. And so they allowed it to happen to me. And thankfully, I think it stopped with me in terms of within our family, thankfully.

But yeah, it's one of those pervasive things that's just really never dealt with, you know. Oh, God. And now do you remember telling on him? Is that how people found out about what he was doing with you? Or did they catch him in the act? Like, how did it come about that like he was caught the first time? Or was it with your cousins first and then it started with you? So it was with my cousins first.

Again, they are about 10 years older than me. And one of my cousins, at the time I didn't realize that. But one of my cousins who had been molested by him actually reached out to me when I was like a teenager and said, hey, you know, did anyone ever do anything to you? And at the time, my memories were very. repressed. So I was like, oh, no, nothing. So, but, um, so they knew about it back then, but then they quote unquote forgave him. And this was before I was born. And then, um, no one knew. I mean, my mom knew, but no one else in the family knew when it was happening to me. That was part of the

domination, right, to keep me silent. I was already very neglected by my mother. You know, the cycle of abuse, they look for a certain type of prey. And I was perfect. prey, A, because I was in-house, and B, because I was so incredibly neglected and star for attention. Anyway, my mom was, like, completely checked out all the time and very, very depressed and very, just a terrible mother, basically. So I was perfect prey where the only attention I was getting was from him. And, you know, in a weird way, I have to say she was the perfect wife for somebody like him as well. Oh, absolutely, right? She denied it. Even when I confronted her, just, you know, You know, so again, I stopped talking about for them around three years ago.

When I confronted her three years ago, she said your father would never do anything like that. Right. She's like, that's called denial. I mean, because she knew at different times from many different people, right? Yes, and I knew one of my cousins, you know, one of my cousins, whenever we were at family events, she would never come. And I never understood growing up why that was. And I didn't realize until, oh, yeah. And by the way, my father, quote, unquote, confessed to me.

that, you know, he did this to my cousins. He's never admitted it that he did it to me, but he confessed to me that he did it with his cousins. But let me ask you. No, don't worry about it. Let me ask you this. You said that you had your memories repressed for a long time. Like, how did they eventually come back?

Like, did you have no recollection of this when you were a child? And then, like, in your teens, you remembered it? I actually did remember it until about five years ago. so I'm 35 right now, so I didn't remember until my late 20s, early 30s, and it got triggered. I had been in this kind of long-term relationship, and he left me, and there was something about that that really opened up this whole door to just repress, you know, trauma and the repress, the repression of all of these memories and all of the abuse that I had already kind of lived through and so it really started um about five years ago coming up really strongly and it it continues

you know i've worked on it worked on it worked on it still there and seeing it's so pervasive and i i've often told people i wish i had been hit or i'd been there you know i mean because again the sexual abuse stopped relatively early i wish i'd been hit because the emotional and psychological domination is so much more subtle and confusing. And it's like, it's like I know when I'm being abused physically, but sometimes I don't, you know, it's like I don't realize until someone else points out like, oh yeah, this person was totally disrespecting you. And I'm like, oh my God, they totally were.

And I didn't even get it. You mean now in your adult life with guys that you meet or stuff like that because of what happened with your father is what you're saying. Right. Yes. That men now. It doesn't register. Yeah, and I'm slowly starting to get it now, where it's not, it's not overt abuse.

You know, it's not overt. Thankfully, I stopped dating overtly abusive men about 10 years ago. It was the last time I hated someone to actually physically abuse me. But, yeah, but still, it's like the subtlety of it. Oh, there's so much response there that, oh, he was good. He was a good manipulator. He was like, my father was an excellent manipulator, and I'm guessing he still is. And so, but so all this time, like, and the memories start to come back like when you're 30, right?

But before you got the memories back, you knew your cousins told you. Did you have like some sort of inkling that something went down with your dad? Like were there sort of signs there that, but you couldn't put them together until the memories came back? No, because I blocked it out so well. Like it's, and again, because he quote unquote lost interest in me. And then, right, like, so I moved, God, I moved. So we were very enmeshed until, like I said, I was in my early 20s. But then once I moved, I moved far away.

I mean, I literally moved to the other side of the country that, like, it had less of an impact that I could see or put my hands on. So by the time the memories started coming up, it was, it was, you know, it took a while because A, the denial was so intense. and B, it was just, I was so used to it, you know, it was just the way I saw the world was like through this lens of abuse essentially that I couldn't even like differentiate. And I still don't think I know completely like what love is as a result. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that way. I don't know either.

I mean, I think it's unfortunate if you grow up in a family where it wasn't sort of given to you. that how would you know do you know what I mean like seriously like I know now because I have a child and I always felt like I wouldn't really ever experience unless I had a child I didn't feel like I could do it first with a guy because I don't think I have ever fell in love because of stuff that's happened to me you know and now with my child it's a totally different story and I always felt like I would have to do that first to know what it was but I but I don't think that that's everybody you know I mean but I think you learn it from your parents right and it's given to you And then, but if it's not there, you had that absent mother.

You had a very abusive father. So, you know, where do you look towards to find that love like from men? But like, what are the odds that you're going to be picking great guys? You know what I mean? This is like, you're not going to start off that way. I mean, luckily you're like you said, a smorkel, you've been in a lot of therapy. I think it's, I think, you know, there's something to repress memories coming up for someone. That really means that at that point in your life, you were ready to sort of face them

and stuff. Like, you know, that's a part of like, that says something about you. You know what I mean? And a good thing, I think, that you were able to have that. Because I think some people live with them their whole life and they never come up. But yet there's still those repressed memories and stuff is still eating away at them on so many different levels. It could come up, you know, physically, emotionally, but like in subconscious ways.

But physically, I think it could be come up a lot of times in manifest different things, you know. but I think it's really great that on some level you brought those up and you were ready for them because I don't think that they would come up if you weren't don't you think I mean did a therapist ever tell you anything about that because I'm not a therapist you know I always say I give unprofessional advice so I don't really know anything but that's just like what I think well I I've listened and I believe you're very insightful which is actually why I wanted to talk to you was like yeah I'm in therapy all the fucking time and yes I agree

this stuff has continued to come up as I've been stronger and been more capable of handling it because the depth that which is like it seems like every time I have a session with my therapist like something new comes to light and and like something I could have never dealt with like a year ago because it would have just been too traumatic to

admit to myself because the abuse was so pervasive of it's just so insidious. And so I absolutely do believe that. Yeah. And how amazing that at 30 you were able to handle any of that. Because like I think sometimes it's like the guy down the street. I mean, and that's like horrifying beyond belief. But when it's your own father, like it's not just being molested.

It's also incest. And that's a whole other bag, right? Like that's double trouble. Do you know what I mean? Like it's like even worse that, you know, it's like it's like it's. It's even more hardcore, right? It's a second thing because this was your father, you know. How far did he go with you?

Do you know? So I was definitely sodomized as a child and he, yeah, I mean, it was ironically, ironically, because, you know, he's Christian and all. My Hyman was actually intact. I did actually lose my virginity, quote unquote, at 18. Oh, my God. that is fucking sick. Yeah, the fucking religion thing is also really intertwined with all of this.

And again, I think it's so rampant as we have seen repeatedly, you know, in the church. And just, yeah, it just really reinforces all of this. And right, the sexual shame as well, right? I mean, I would already have sexual shame if I had just been molested by my father, but then put the religion on top of it. Oh, you've got a great cocktail. Like, right. Right. And then which turned you into like a woman who had a really kinky side, right, because of all this stuff that happened to you. You turned that into like sort of

that became like your sexuality. But it was projected in a way that you were like into like a lot of really probably dirty things because you were, that's like how you were wired at a very young age. Yes. And it's, it's. made me very hypersexual, right? Like it's, um, and and I, the thing is is, like I said, I definitely am a head on my shoulders. And I, what I find is that it's a real conflict because, um, it's a real inner conflict because, right, like I don't, I've never been the type to like make, like, and I, you know, I don't want to judge one's decisions, but for me, it would be a stupid decision.

For example, to, like, have unprotected sex with, like, a stranger or something. And so I've never done that. So I've always been, like, very smart about it. but it also just it's like this kind of internal battle of like trying to find a way to express my sexuality in a way that is not like damaging to me. Yeah. I mentioned this on another podcast because I was listening to some podcast. I think it was like on the Goop podcast. I'm going to find that episode and send it to you.

And there was some woman talking about sex and sexuality. And she was talking about how if like somebody was sort of abused or raped, and there was some sort of violence, right? But it got, and so, and so they grew up to be a type of woman that maybe liked a little violence, right, when it came to sex. She was saying that, like, you know, maybe it's, she wasn't saying maybe. She was saying that, like, if that person is able to use to take that part of themselves, right? Because they can't change it, right? They were wired that way, but do it in a safe way, maybe with someone that they care about.

And maybe they're going to be into BDSM or whatever, you know, if it's expressed the right way and done in the right way, it can be very healing and okay, right, because you're in control of it and everything. That is not necessarily like bad. You know, I think maybe five years ago I would have thought like, oh, if that happened to you and now you're wired that way, you should unwire that, right? But like she was saying that like, you know, that kind of thing, like a BDSM really works for somebody and could work through stuff and be okay as long as it's done in the right way. And it sounds like, you know, because you're not like screwing,

strangers and stuff and your are like your intention is to do it that way that's like a really good thing and really smart of you well yeah and so i've i've really that's what bdsm has has i've really tried to make that be for me is really owning that part of myself and owning owning owning that and but it was also kind of going i was kind of going into that piece when i was emailing you around be again bdus i'm all about subtlety i people told me that many times and i am And to me... Well, there's that word. Do you use that with your dad?

He said he's very subtle. Yeah. There's lots of nuance. I'm into nuance. So with BDSM, I do, it can be absolutely, I've had some really healing cathartic experiences, but I was telling you kind of my struggle is really finding men that can can be both sides of me, that can see both the absolute.

BDSM, kinky freak, but can see, but then go back to normal life and see the sweet, very smart, very funny, very dorky as fuck girl that also exists. Right. And, you know, that my friends, like, love and appreciate. And so that's the struggle that I've really faced. And even very recently, I had an experience where I really. really recognize that someone just saw me in that role that they could never like differentiate between me and the role.

Yeah. And I think a lot of guys are going to fall into that category, right? But I think that it's not unrealistic to assume that there's plenty of guys out there that could see you as both, right? But you're not fishing out of the majority pond, you know, when you're looking for a guy that could, and I would say take all your abuse. sway and pretend this is just you just like light BDSM or you're into I don't know anything you know I think it's very difficult for men I think younger men are better at this than older men so if you

go date older guys it's even harder is that to see to to to bring together the madonna horror complex thing you know what I mean like that separation you know it's very very difficult. I can't tell you how many people and guys email me. First of all, how many people download my episodes with women on it who talk about being into sexual stuff very openly, right? They email me all the time. They want more. They want to hear more women. But like I am sure half of those guys, if they met a girl like that, they'd want to keep her under wraps, right? Like it would be fun to like fuck them or do those things. But would they bring that person home to their mom, you know, on Thanksgiving or, you know, I think that a lot of times they have,

it's hard. But I know men, I have a lot of guy friends. I have a lot of Neanderthal, regular narcissist, douchebag friends. And then I have, I have guys that I always say they're like way farther from the apes. They're just like more evolved, you know, and they absolutely could see both things in somebody, right? And I think that, you know, so they exist. but I don't think it's like the majority, right? So I think that that's hard to begin with, you know,

but you also maybe like your pickers off on top of it, right, because of stuff that's happened to you, because that sometimes plays a big factor in trying to find the right person. Because it's like you could maybe say like, and I don't know much about you yet because we have to keep talking, but like, you know, can you see both sides of yourself together?

Like, you know, are you able to love both things? Are they blended for you? you totally, you know, or maybe there's a block there. Maybe that's why you can't find someone to accept the both of them as well, you know. But I also think, and I don't know if that's the case, because I do know that it's just in real life, it's hard to find a guy to do those both things. But they exist. I've had them on my show.

Well, I think I've been integrating it more and more, like in terms of for myself. I do definitely think that I've been integrating them more and more, but it's very difficult for me. And I think that I've had some real negative reinforcement in terms of from men that that's been hard to like get over or, you know, like, you know, it's like it would be a challenge already. Yeah, yeah, right. But then having negative reinforcement from these men just makes it.

very challenging and again I've been working really diligently on it but yeah it there's a lot of grief there because yeah it just it's like it just can't quite they just don't quite line up and so I'm either stuck

just being seen as a sex object or just like right now ready to tear on my hair because I want to fuck someone so badly in like the right way but it's just not there just doesn't seem to be anyone around that I feel can actually hold

hold that and won't be like totally freaked out by it. Right. But I think the, the, you'll wind up meeting that right person when you have fully integrated. I think the block is from you. And I think sometimes, because I've done this in my life, that when you, like you say you've been reinforced,

but like what that reinforcement is about is like, you know, you're just picking people who will tell you what, whatever story, you're buying into. Do you know what I mean? You create that story and that story for you

probably on some level is that that's not right or like whatever they can't be together right? And so and then when that guy reinforces that it's not it's more just them mirroring

what you already believe right? And that's why it's happening to you and it happens. Like I said it also reality comes into play and like I said there's a lot of more guys right that are going to

be able to mirror that back to you. It's a really easy, you know, to find a guy that's going to say like, oh, no, I can't accept both because I think that that's typical male behavior. But I think because I know for a fact that there's plenty of guys out there that absolutely could love you and have you be both ways, love the fact that you're a really sweet, nice, great girl to fall in love with and also this kinky wild woman, right? But the fact that you're a really sweet, nice, nice, great girl to fall in love with and also. but the fact that you haven't been able yet to bring that into your life is because you need to maybe be more accepting of it yourself and or be ready for that guy to really do it like you have to really believe that that could actually happen because it can yeah yeah I mean I yeah sometimes I don't

know what else to do well listen you're doing so much work on yourself you've been in so much therapy. I used to believe a really long time ago that like, oh, you have to like make yourself perfect before you could ever meet someone. And I don't believe that anymore. I really don't, you know. I think what you have to do is get to a place where you know exactly what you want. And if that is a relationship that you, you have to be there. But I think that sometimes people think that they want a relationship or they think that they want a certain thing. But it's not really the truth. And those are the people that like, you know, that friend of yours that you have that's gone on a thousand dates, but it is dying for a relationship and is on every fucking dating out, but

never has one. It's like, maybe you don't want one because if you fucking did, you'd have it. Okay. Like, I think if we're really honest with ourselves, whatever we have in our life right now is what we're really capable of. Like, what is your history as far as guys? Like, what are you looking for right now? Are you looking for a real relationship or you're 35, right? Are you looking? I am 35. Are you looking to get married, kids? Like, what does your perfect future look like?

Definitely not children. It's kind of funny. I've gone in the opposite direction. I think I would make a terrible mother, and I would never want to subject a child. Like, I just, I have enough self-knowledge to know that I just don't want to do that. And I do not want to be responsible for fucking up child.

So ideally, I would. And, you know, you're right, maybe, you know, maybe the truth is I really don't want it. I think I do. I think I really do actually want a relationship. But it constantly does seem to elude me. So, yeah, ideally, what I see ideally, I guess, would be me, a guy, we're settled down. We have a dog, you know, do lots of fun stuff together. Like, you know, we have a life that, you know, no kids, just a dog.

and maybe hopefully, you know, some nieces and nephews from my brother, God willing. But yeah, that's, you know, that's kind of ideal for me. But like a real best friend, like a real great relationship, a long-lasting. What is the longest relationship you've ever had? I've had a couple that were like, around like two and a half years, but looking back when they were 150% and not healthy. So I've never actually had a long-term healthy relationship. Excuse me, I'm way older than you and I haven't either.

So you just laugh, laugh harder for me. Okay, I'm worse than you. So don't worry about it. I totally understand. I, you know, I understand. I totally understand. But I always felt like, but I always also like to be single. Like, I don't know, relationships are a little, like, feel a little like locked down to me.

You know what I mean? Like I'm a little claustrophobic when it comes and stuff like that. So, you know, that plays into my story. But for you, you know, when you say that your father, right, was like really like manipulative and domineering, like how did he, how did that play out like in your guy's relationship?

Um, so I was kind of his, um, punching bag or his garbage can kind of whatever he preferred, you know, just kind of emotionally dumping stuff on me. He used to tell me, um,

I felt, so, you know, I don't know if you've heard of family systems, but essentially everyone in like a family has a role. Right. And my role was not as the child. My role was essentially as the wife in a sense, right? Where. Yeah, well, just so you know, that's like, that's, what's that other kind of abuse? There's like sexual abuse and then there's like when they're just too close emotionally and they're crossing boundaries. That's, yeah, that's really just as bad as sexual abuse. So you had that too. Yeah. So I had it double whammy, which is lovely. So anyway, so he, so, you know, he would tell me all this shit about it. My mom. My mom. and tell me how he was going to leave her, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I did that for many years.

Well, like I said, well into my 20s. And just, like, always tried to get my sympathy or have me take his side or just to rely on him, like, oh, kind of like, oh, daddy, we'll take care of you, you know? And which, looking back now, it just makes me want to puke. But, again, when that's the only dynamic you've never known, like, you wouldn't think twice about it. And again, that's why I think on some level I move literally halfway across the country was to separate myself from all that. Obviously, at the time, I didn't recognize that.

But, like, you know, when you're in the midst of that, when you're in the midst of enmeshment and codependence, like, you cannot see it. Of course not right. You're not your own separate entity. You're quote unquote a part of, you know, someone else in like a, in a really unhealthy symbiotic relationship. And so, you know, you think that somehow your existence, like, relies on them or some bullshit like that. Well, just so, you know, yours did. Okay. That's how it's, this is like we're talking.

Right. When I was a child. Yeah. But you were like, but that's where you started out. I mean, like, you know, so that's what makes it even more sick and twisted because you're, this is not an adult relationship. Like, you know, like the girl that was dating someone like that. I mean, I'm sure you've dated people like that. But like, this was your father. So he was the person up until you like, why.

walked out of that fucking house that you were, you know, you did need that person to survive, you know? I mean, it started out that way and it was that way until you left. And I mean, thankfully you saw that eventually, but like that's, you know, it's no wonder there wasn't a mind fuck it. Like it, that was your parent. Yeah. Yeah.

So it, you know, it, it, and he always somehow. And he always somehow to be simultaneously the victim and the perpetrator at the same time. Right. I know. Like it's a gift, man. Because so like I said, when he just showed up out of the blue a few years ago, obviously I was very angry. And I was like, you can't just show up here. You can't, you know, and being very defensively, like, what are you doing here?

Like, how dare you intrude upon my space or whatever? He was like, oh, I just wanted to see you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, oh, I'm the victim. Oh. And then so, of course, I would feel guilty because guilt is a wonderful tool of manipulation. Both of my parents are fucking experts at it. So, right?

So then I would feel bad. And then I would kind of, I would kind of backpedal. But then I would get mad at the end and say, what the fuck am I doing? So it's that level of like guilt. And then, but also kind of in other cases when I, you know, he always called me daddy's good little girl, right? Because obviously I was starved for attention. So, you know, it's like that whole saying. about negative attention is better than no attention at all.

So, you know, falling into that too where there was no one else to give me attention or love or support or nurturing. There was no one. And so really being in a position of desperation just for some kind of interaction and him really getting off on that and really, you know, and it's made me very isolated in my adult life. Like I really have a difficult time connecting with people. Women less so. I have, and it's thankfully it's gotten better with men. I actually have some, three of my closest friends are all men. But it's gotten easier, but it's really hard for me initially to connect with people because I'm

very guarded. And, you know, it just, it really makes it hard sometimes for me to not be defensive and be what other people interpret as standoffish. Of course. You probably have major trust issues, right? You probably have a lot of walls up and that's going to also be a reason why maybe like the right guy across the room, the guy who is very capable of falling in love with a whole person that is, you know, interesting like you. it could be not able to penetrate that or isn't even you're not even on the radar because of those walls.

You know, that's the kind of stuff you want to try to break down, right, so that you could let somebody in because it's hard to like really truly love if you are so defensive and you have all those defenses up, which I understand. But I think, you know, there's somebody for everyone. I do believe that. And I think, you know, if you really are really, ready, you could meet somebody that would take the time to, you know, work with you until you're really ready to put that down. Do you know what I mean? It's not like they have to be down immediately until you meet something. Like, you know, the right guy for you is going to be somebody that will sort of penetrate those walls or stick around no matter what, you know? And there are a lot of good guys out there that would, right? You just have to figure out or you just have to like be really ready and really open and wanting that to happen and it can like when was

your last relationship if you i for all intents the purposes like five years ago or six years ago i guess but any relationships any kind of relationship since oh well yeah i mean i you know jesus i've been online for like five years you know it's a couple months here a couple months there right you know on and on and on and on that that's pretty much just like two or three months and then I dropped them. One of my best friends, he's always giving me shit. He's like, oh, it's been three months. It's about time.

Oh, that's the time you sabotage. Now, do you lead with your sexuality? It's actually not so much sabotage is that I realize like it's not healthy. I mean, I don't, one thing I have to give myself credit for is it's a double of sword, but like if I find out that something is not healthy or something is not good for me in a relationship, I drop it like a hot potato. Like, I don't, I don't,

I'm not someone who will, um, you know, I'm not going to keep myself in a bad situation. I'll do that at my job all the time, unfortunately, but in terms of relationships, I will not stay in a situation that is, that is

bad for me. Right. You'll cut it out. Right. At the same time, I'm also ready to drop someone at, like, any moment, you know, I'm waiting for them to do something to make me drop them. Like, I'm like, oh, you want, oh, you want to do something? Oh, just wait. Just wait. Right. You'll ask them out. That's it. I definitely, you know, and like waiting for them, you know, to do something. And I've kind of seen that in the most recent, yeah, the most reason. So, most recently I was dating this guy a few months ago.

and I really liked him a lot. He's actually a very, very, very good person. But he kind of, I think, was kind of going through the Madonna horror complex. He could not reconcile me. Like he could just not, his ambivalence was very apparent. Like, I think he really liked me and he liked the way he felt about me, but he just couldn't reconcile. how I was, you know, I'm very outspoken. I, I, I mean, I dress pretty slutty. I look different.

Like, I'm not, you know, I, I'm not, I'm not, like, and he's got two kids, you know, I'm not the motherly type. And I was even willing to, like, be like, hey, like, I'll be, I'll help you with the kids, you know, like, I'm not going to be their mother, but I'll be their friend. And he just couldn't, because I didn't fit into, to his picture of what, you know, what was supposed to be a stepmother or whatever, whatever his picture was, I didn't fit into it. And so his ambivalence was just killed me. Let me ask you this, because you said, you know, a lot of, like what you had made it out to seem in the beginning with the issues with guys. And I'm sure that there's, it's more than just this, right? Is that like, you know, this, all this kinky stuff that you like, too? do, right? And we've got to get into that so that people, you know, but no, just so that like, because you keep saying, like, it's so, like, these guys just can't handle it. Like, what exactly

is it, you know? Um, but it's like, so how quickly do you get there with a guy? Like, you know, like, is it, do you lead with that? Because you say also, you also, I was, I said, like, do you lead with your sexuality? Then you're like, and I dress really slutty and everything. So like, you know, so if you're coming in very, very sexualized, right, you look a very sexualized and then you get into all the stuff that you like, right? And it's pretty hardcore right off the bat. And then way later on, you're like, eventually I'm going to show you my soft side. I just think that that's like that might be hard. That's not probably the best way to get somebody to wind up liking you for all of who you are, right? You might want to.

so I don't know how you go in if that's exactly how it is. Do you show that softer side that you want someone, you know, to love? I seem to vacillate. I seem to vacillate where I either meet a guy. So with the last one,

I'll say, like I said, he is a really good person. Like I, and he and I very, very early on, there was like this sweetness between us and like this, like, just genuine, we genuinely liked each other. And it was like sweet.

And it was, You know, it was very cute. And, and, and, but, but then, you know, I would, I told him, I mean, he knew about my kinky stuff before we even met because I met him through a friend. So he knew about, I have a blog and he, like, read it. And so he knew I was kinky before we met. Okay. So he knew about that, but I think he was also very, he was like simultaneously, like, very intimidated by it. Or it was like this kind of amorphous thing that he didn't understand.

And so sex for us was very difficult because he was used to, he's very, very vanilla and traditional and, you know, had very views around sex that I do not as kind of, you know, like, yeah. You weren't into it. I mean, you guys weren't maybe compatible sexually. It's interesting that he read your blog and everything. And as a vanilla guy, he had the balls to still eat you. Well, that's the thing. I think we could have found it. It was just very difficult to kind of find a happy medium.

And he had a hard time, you know, like I told him about how I like to be humiliated. And he was like, I can't imagine doing that to anyone. And that just made me feel really ashamed. Like, oh, how dare. And he wasn't trying to do that. But let me ask you this, okay? what kind of humiliation are you into? Like when, like, what, like, what do you explain that?

Like, you know, let's get into the specifics because then I could. Okay. Okay. Well, so my favorite, my favorite, Dom, I have a guy that I play with that we've, we've been playing together for a few years. And so he's literally, like, he's literally like, you know, you're dirt. And he literally like, well, not, we'll stop on me. Not to, like, hurt me, but stop.

Like, he's putting his feet on me and I'm on the ground and he's, like, throwing shit at me. And he's, he's like, you. You know, you don't deserve blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So we have a very long and established relationships. He knows, you know, in terms of BDSM humiliation, they're really pillars. You know, it's like there are certain things you cannot fuck with around humiliation, but he kind of knows where those lines are and what, you know, what it is and isn't okay.

And so, you know, we're kind of able. And that's a very cathartic place for me, right? Because I was obviously told out as a child. And so it's, you know, I get to play it out and I get to kind of cry about it or whatever comes out and it's great. So, you know, it's,

and with my favorite, Dom, he's even said that it's been a gift to him because I can go, he can go places with me because he knows it's okay. Because right, I'm really wanting a level of intensity in terms of like, I really want you to like, you know,

tell me what a piece of shit I am and that I'm garbage and blah, blah, blah, blah. I know, but that is going to be hard for that nice guy that you're looking for. Now I know why it's hard to integrate. Oh, my God. But that's not, like, I don't need also, like, I dated this guy about a year ago. And he and I had such passionate sex. Like, our sex actually wasn't that kinky at all. It was much more passionate.

Yeah. So I'm actually, like, and in that whole time, like, he would try to dominate me and I would just laugh, not to be mean, but because he just didn't have that dominating presence. But I didn't care because I just want to fuck him all the time. Right. So if someone else, if someone has that passionate drive, like that's enough for me. I just want to be attacked. You know, I don't care how it shows itself.

Yeah, but let me ask you this about your blog, right? Is your blog still out there? Do you tell guys that you date? Like, how many dates before you tell a guy about your blog where they could find out all this information about you. I would have never shared. I would not share that blog with a guy. Okay.

Do you want to share it with my listeners? I mean, do you want? My friend was, was, was, was, was, would not have shared that. And I, yeah, she should not. That was like very wrong. But right, she, maybe she didn't realize she, you guys were going to like wind up hooking up. But.

Yeah, I don't think she really. I don't think she, she, she, her intent, he had good intentions, but it was very not good. But, um, I, it's pretty intense it's pretty dark and it's a lot my my writing is really about um trying to heal from bdia something so once someone's had extreme sexual trauma they're just going to find it very very like very like blah right so you don't put that out there with guys that you're dating right no no yeah no it's only like most of my writing has been about me and about like my healing and hoping that maybe other people will like will get something out of it it's not you know it's been for me it's for

me it's not it's not you know for a while i was trying to be a sex coach and that didn't really work out so all of it has been to like for my own benefit it's and and i and you know i've had friends that have really said amazing things and give me a really good support and feedback so that's been really nice, but I would never, I mean, I would have to know a guy for like six months before he should be reading that because it's unless you know me, you're just going to

see, right? Like there's a darkness there and I know how to temper it with light. Like I also have a lot of light in me. You're talking about light earlier. I have a lot of light. Like I'm silly and playful and I am super fun to be around, but people get really

freaked out by the darkness if they have not looked at their own. And so, So, you know, keep that under wraps. No, that's very smart. I was just making sure that, like, you know, like, or when, because you say it's hard to find a guy that could like both sides of you. Like, when does that, how early on? Because you show up looking very sexy, right? You use the word slutty.

So you show up looking very sexualized. You, it's not like you're a false advertising, right? You actually are as, like, quote unquote, slutty. Like, you're as sexual as you look, right? you're sort of showing up that way. So when does a guy know like all this kinky stuff that you're into? Because besides the humiliation, you're into BDSM. I mean, do you go straight in?

Like, listen, like, I want, if I'm going to date you, like, you got to be into this. I don't know. Because if that's what you're into, I mean, isn't it important? I don't know. Well, so for example, so I'm on, you know, I'm on the, I'm on Tinder. I'm on, you know, bumble all the, all the freaking apps. So I do actually say I don't go into. detail. I just say kinky. I, you know, I list my qualities. I do say kinky. And people

guys, I, like me, that's just like one level of just like kind of, uh, you know, hey, you should at least know this up front. Some guys don't, don't address it at all. Other guys will be like, well, what do you mean when you say kinky? So it's kind of my responses in terms of that are kind of all over the map, but I'm at least bringing up initially to be like, hey, like this is a thing. I literally kind of look like a suicide girl. So it really shouldn't be a shock to any of them. Right, right.

In case it is, like, I definitely point that out. And I say, like, hey, I'm kinky. But then it's either, and to me, this is a good, it's a good differentiator. Because usually if the guy asked me about it, that usually means his kinky too. And he wants to know if our kinks might align. Yeah.

So, you know, I think, that's actually a good tool. Now, again, in terms of, like, the depth and the level, I don't reveal that early on. Because, again, I don't always need, I mean, I like to have intensities, you know, a decent amount of the time. But, again, passion is more, you know, so it's like if they were okay, spanking, spanking or, you know, just throwing me around a little bit in terms of, like,

throwing me in the bed or up against wall or whatever, that would be enough. where if they were just into like some of that, then I'd be like, okay, we can work with this. As long as you want to fuck me, like, all the time. As long as you want to fuck me all the time and you have a super high sex drive, like, I'm cool. Right. So I try not to get into the more, you know, like the humiliation.

I wouldn't get into that until I knew, had a sense that the other person had some awareness and some knowledge of BDS and that that was something that they were like interested in or you know just that they're showing interest. Right. And if it was somebody that you want to see all sides of you, you know, you want to like keep that out for a while, right? Until like you totally fall in love. You know, I don't right. Yeah. So what like how? Because like you said like it's like you can't find a guy. Like I mean, is it common in the BDSM world for like doms and subs?

right? Because you say I have this dom, I have that time. Like, is it common for them to ever, like, hook up or they, is it always like this specific sort of situation that's outside of like a regular relationship, right? Like, I mean, do, can you fall for a dom like that you meet, like in that world? Or do they never sort of have relationships outside of, you know, the dungeon, quote unquote, because I know what I mean? Well, in my experience, a lot of them are like, like I find that, um, think and Polly Amory really heavily overlap.

Right. And so I'm really, you know, I've, I've explored a lot sexually and I've really come to a conclusion that I'm really looking for a mostly monogamous relationship, not forever. Right. That I would be open to more eventually, but that really in the beginning, it's really important for me, like developing an attachment with someone. I really want to be monogamous with them. And so a lot of the guys I've played with in the past, you know, they have, you know, my favorite

Dom is like married. Another one that I was seen for quite some time, you know, had a regular girlfriend, you know, like most of them have been Pauly and we just kind of been on this side. And we have, our relationship has been based on EDSM, not necessarily like friendship or. Right, right. It's not outside of that. Yeah. that's what I picture for some reason.

So it's not like you're going to go date a Dom, right? You're going to date in the regular world. And then eventually, hopefully, you'll bring your partner into that world if you can, right? Because that's something that you're into. But like when you meet a guy, are you willing? Like, say you met a guy and he was like totally right. Would you be willing to give up all of that? Or is it something that eventually he would have to be into because it's something that you're so into that it has to be a part of your relationship?

chat. It's a conclusion that it's a need. It's a need in some form. Again, I think so there's a couple levels. I'm incredibly sensual. So above all, I need to be touched a lot. Like, I love sensual touch of any kind. So I would say that's my primary.

Like, I really like guys that are sensual or that are willing to touch me a lot. That's a big piece. The next thing, I need them to be, have a. really high sex drive. And I think it's more about, so as long as they weren't opposed to the kink, as long as they could find some level. Like I was saying, you know, they're okay with choking.

For example, it's okay with choking and spanking and throwing me around a little bit. Right. That's enough. That's enough to where I think it would be okay. But if someone is just totally like, oh my God, I can't imagine doing that. Well, like your Vanilla guy, the last guy,

who was just too nice. He would. He would, you know, he, we did, he would like. Why did you kick him to the curb? Why is he gone? Well, because I, he's come back recently. I don't know what's happening. He just reached out to me last week.

Why are you so upset about that? Is it just so confusing? Yeah, because. So, his ambivalence, I don't know if you're familiar with detachment stuff. I totally am. I'm anxious to touch him. Yeah. Uh-huh.

So his ambivalence almost killed me. Like, I was falling for him. Like, I, you know, I, I, I, I know. Yeah, you know, that's your mom. That's like, that's like your mom. You know, I had a very narcissistic, very abusive, horrendous father. And I had a very detached. I always used to say, like, nice but not nice mom.

So I, I always said, like, up until I was 30, I dated my father. And then after 30, I dated all these. guys I was playing out like my relationship with my mother. So there's all these guys that had what you said where they were like there but not there. You know, and there's, I mean, nothing like, it's like awful, you know, if you're that kind of anxious person, right? Because it just makes you feel like you're being abandoned at all times. Not good when they're not fully present kind of, right? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. And he could be present some of the time. And that was the thing. It's like he said, I remember him. He's like, well,

and it's really good, it's good and it's really bad. What was his ambivalence? Like, what do you mean by that? I know what I would mean by that. What would you mean in this situation with this guy? I just want to make sure that you're not kicking somebody to the curb that's like nice and good because he's nice and good. Do you know what he is nice and good? And I'm very clear on that.

So there were two things. There were two things. The first is, like, that's what I was saying with the Madonna Hor complex. He, his ambivalence was around not knowing how to feel about me. Right. And he knew and is your friend's fucking fault because he knew a little way too much too early on. So that was like a, you know, poison to the start of a relationship. That stuff shouldn't have been in his brain, you know?

So that was like something that neither one of you had anything to do with. Yeah. And I think that that really intimidated him and psychos and confused him. think that you're right. I think that really muddied the water. So that was one piece. And then the other piece was his children. And he, I think to go along kind of with the Madonna Hor thing, he, even though, like I said, I'm not the motherly type that I told him very early on. I said, you know, I'm not going to be their mom, but I'll be their friend. They're, they're 10 and 12 or, I think the one just turned 13. So they're like 10 and 13. Right. You'd be someone different for them. Right. You're not going to try to be the mom. Right.

Yeah, I'm like, I will do stuff with you guys. You know, we can have fun together, whatever. Like, I'll, I'll do my best to be a positive female role model in their life. Right. And that was, that was huge for me because I'm not, I'm not, I never, like, wanted to, I never wanted to be a mom. Never, ever, ever. But with him and the way his relationship with his children made me want, I was like, well, you know, I could do that. Like, like, I never thought I would want to do that or I thought I could do that.

But there's something about the way this man is as a father and the way he talks about his children that, like, I was like, oh, you know, maybe I could do that. Yeah, because that was like the first time you're seeing like a good dad, right? I mean, that must be very appealing on some level, right? Oh, yeah. I cried. I cried one time because he's talking about his daughter. I just started bawling because I was like that's the way a dad stood here. I don't know.

I just was like, I just lost my shit because I was just so touched by, oh, he's such a good father. And I would always tell him that. Like I just admire him so much for his, he's such a good man. But anyway, so he just didn't have a lot of time, you know, and it would just feel like. like he was, it wasn't just about the kids. It seemed like he always chose something else other than me when it came to time. And I know that that was partially just the way it had to be. But for someone with anxious attachment and feeling his ambivalence, it just was like, I couldn't tolerate it.

And I didn't want to get any more attached. Yeah, he might have, you know, being a dad and all that stuff, like he might just be a little too busy for you, you know? Yeah, I think so. I think like, you know, I'm a single mom now and I don't know that I could date somebody that didn't have a kid or something else because they would not understand my time management either. You know, it's a very different life.

And I lived your life without kids, you know, and I lived it now. You know, so I remember both. And it's a very different way. It's, you know. And does he have his kids or are they just like on the weekends or something? Yeah, like every other weekend. And I really tried. Oh, so that's not that bad.

Well, and I really tried, like, it became, it wasn't so much about the kids, because that was the other thing is, like, he, because we've just been dating for a few months, he didn't want to introduce me to the kids. So it wasn't even an option to, like, it would have been one thing if we, if he, okay, we have the kids, oh, we're going to go, you know, like, let's all go do X. And then we go do that thing. And then at night, you know, we have time together. the kids go to bed and we have time together.

I would have been okay with that. But that whole weekend, nope, was just, was just nothing. You know, I couldn't see him at all. He had the kids the whole time. Right, because, listen, he only sees his kids every other weekend. So, you know, I get it. They didn't want to just see their dad, you know. So, yeah, that's like a mismatch.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. That's a mismatch. And I wouldn't cut, like, I don't know, like you said, and I don't know, I don't want to get into the whole kid thing with you, though, but like, I wish I could go down there, but I don't want to waste the rest of our time doing that because I don't know. We might have to do a part two with you. But because I wonder, like we're sitting here talking and I keep talking about the guy thing and stuff.

And I'm like, you know, did she call in to talk about like meeting guys? It's like, is this the pressing thing that's going on in your life right now? Because I keep talking about that because that's what I think is what you want to talk about. But then I'm like, maybe not. I don't know. I never know where my podcasts are going to go, right? I get your email.

I see all this stuff. And then we start talking. And then, and for some reason, I'm. taking it down that path, but I'm like, is that what you, is that like where you're at right now? Is that why you want to call into the show? Or like, what, what, am I right? Or is it something else that you want to talk about? Oh, no, you're absolutely right.

You're absolutely right. Like, it's the guy thing in you right now. Like it's a, it's like you want to figure it out, right? Yeah, it's so. And that's the thing that's kind of weird about it. It's as I like kind of, you know, see more and more of my issues, my, my desire. to be in a healthy relationship actually increases. Like it's such a strong desire in me.

Like, like it's very, very strong. And I actually ironically think that as it strength is, it's actually coming from a more healthy place. For sure. I think it's less. Yeah.

It's more, I hope it's coming from more of a place of wholeness and really desiring someone to have that companionship, which again, especially in the last year, I live in a very conservative place and I've been very isolated. So really want a companionship and also just, I mean, obviously, I want facts too. But, but yeah.

Yeah, no, I think that is coming from a healthy place. I think that the only time I've ever defined relationships in my life is when I really, really want one. You know, and I don't think that that's a bad thing. I think that that's a good thing, you know, and that does it. And I think it's very normal and never. natural as a human being to want companionship in your life and have that, you know, for sure. Do you have a dog or a pet or anything? Because you're like, you're like, I want a guy and we have a dog.

Like, do you have a pet yourself? I live with two dogs and one of them loves me dearly. So I do get a lot of doggy love. She's super sweet. Right. So you have that. But you want that companionship with a guy. And I think at 35, like, you know, and I'll tell you like in the next five years when

you get into 40, like you change as a woman and you want different things. You know, you've kind of like been there, done that. And so, like, I think, you know, having that relationship and some of my best relationships that I look at are my couple friends that have no kids and just have each other or in a dog, right? Like that life that you want or like that really keeps their relationship sort of, you know, without kids. It's a very different relationship, but some of my favorite relationships are that way. You know, because having kids in a relationship changes things and changes the dynamics, right? So, you know, I think that that life for you that you're thinking about seriously now, I think

it's smart because now's the right time, you know, as far as your age too. And I am not like an age person, really. I've lived very out of the box when it comes to age, but you will feel different at 40, you know, and you will start to feel different when you're getting closer to there. You'll want different things, you know, like you, so I think a relationship now thinking about it and wanting it and trying to figure it out and attract it into your life and get that is smart. And I think because you're feeling it more strongly, I do believe that's coming from a healthy place. And that's going, that means you're more available,

which is the thing that I just think that you need. I just wonder though, like I think you have to let out maybe a, I think you have, I think there's like an imbalance with your sexuality and the other side of you, all that other good stuff. You know and of course there would be because like I don't know I feel like when you were younger right it was just showed to you that like you know this is what you're this is what you're good at like this is who you are this is what you're worth right that you were used and abused in a sexual way right so I just so I think it would it makes sense that you lead with all your sexuality and you're very overtly sexual and it's all this stuff right it's all there but I think that maybe you have to allow some of the other other parts of your personality to come into play with you. I don't know what you look like.

I love not knowing what my people look like. There's something about it that makes me be less detrimental because it's a part of your story and you brought it up, you know, and it's about sort of attracting someone and being the person that you want to be. Like, I just wonder if like, maybe you dress too much apart that isn't really you. I don't know, you know. When you look look in the mirror, is that all of you or is that just one side of you? And how maybe can you bring that other person also in the way that you present yourself just at face value? Do you know? I was a very promiscuous act, acting out, sexualized, fucked up girl my whole life until I quit drinking at like 34. And the way I used to dress was like out of control. It was like every good,

the way girls dress for Halloween is like, that's how I dressed every single day. You know what I mean? I was like, why do you need Halloween? Like, I mean, I was like the sluggiest dresser ever. You know, and I just, I, and people would always come up to me when I was out in bars and something, I'd be like, you're a stripper? And I'd be like, I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or an insult, you know, but that's the way I sort of dress. I would dress different at work and I had like an undercover life, but like I always felt like

that's how I led myself. But when I quit drinking and I wasn't sort of doing that, I wasn't able to dress that way. And I had to like figure out who I was without all. all that, right? And because I couldn't fucking do all the stuff that I was doing without the alcohol, you know. And what happened over time is that like, I really changed the way I sort of presented myself when I got more in touch with other parts of my personality. You know what I mean? And it did make me want to dress differently. And trust me, I don't dress conservative now, but I don't trust, I'm still always going to be kind of sexy. Like, that's what I think people would say

about the way that I am, right? I always have that edge, but it's not the way that it used to be. And I think it, I present myself more of who I really am if I'm standing in front of somebody. You know what I mean? And I think for you, like maybe you need to do a little bit more of that. I don't know. I can't see you, right? But I wonder if there isn't a, you know, a too much of sex involved in your whole being, you know, and there's not enough of, what's the name that we're calling you, candy, you know,

like not enough of the smart, all the other things that you are in there at face value. You know what I mean? And, and maybe there needs to be. I don't know. Do you think?

Well, so I use the word slutty. And maybe compared to, I mean, I'm in such a conservative place, maybe compared to everyone else, else around me, like, I would be bloody. But I...

Why do you live in such a conservative place? Well, I moved here a year ago. I'm figuring out how to move back. It's a long, it was, it was a misguided. I did not know it was going to be the way it was. Okay, but you're moving away from this conservative place. I'm trying to figure out what the next step in my life is right now. I'm kind of lost.

I think you should live in a city. Like, you live in a city, like, you know, like in a city. I did for many years. I did until I lived in a very liberal city up until about a year ago. Yeah. Go back. So I said SLEDdy, like, but it's nothing where I'm, no one's ever asked me if I was a stripper. Like, I definitely, like, I grew up in the 80s, so it was like, you know, that's what Sluddy was then.

Sluddy's different now. I get it. You know what I mean? Well, like, you know, it's just my dress, maybe. It just shows a little bit of edge. or like, but I also, I also, the reason that I feel like it's fully handy is because I really, I have a thing with like glitter, so I was, and like my hair is all different colors. Like, I feel like, like, it's like I'm wearing, I don't know, that those things just make me happy. Mm-hmm.

I definitely don't look like everyone else, but I also think that over time my style has become my own and I, so I don't necessarily think that. I mean, sometimes, I mean, I have a tank top that says pain slut on it. Yeah, I wore a shirt that said, I love my pussy on it. I mean, so, you know, it's like, I get it. But a lot of the time, but a lot of the time, I don't necessarily think I am, I mean, again, I'm always going to show a little cleavage. But, you know, I don't think it's something where. I don't think it's over the top. Right.

Right. So you just would be more probably like with a musician or an artist or somebody like the more creative is going to appreciate all that kind of stuff. Right. As long as you're dating those kind of guys and you're not like sort of trying to date suit guys and, you know, and it's like. Yeah. No. They don't feel it's me at all. Right.

I always date weirdos. And yeah, it's super smart weirdos. And wait, are you still in therapy? Oh, yes. very much so. Right. And so, and you're moving soon? I think you need to move out of like your conservative area.

I really do. Yeah, absolutely. I think that, I mean, unless you meet somebody before you go, you know, I think that you, you definitely could meet somebody and that person could be around the corner. And it's just a matter of you, like I said, I think it's a block. I think that there's like a maybe like a little block left. in you. And maybe it's just a believing that it actually can exist, you know? I know that for me, it was very hard for me to have a child because I couldn't believe that I could actually have one.

Do you know what I mean? Even though most people just go and fucking get pregnant and have the time, how many abortions that people have because they're like, oh, fuck, I'm pregnant. You know, for me, it was like I couldn't believe it was going to happen. I had a very much a deserving problem with it, you know? You might have something here where it's because it's been one way for so long with guys that it just that you might not believe that it's possible to find that guy you know you and so that's that could be a part of it you know um i know that i think the best kind of therapy and the stuff and i heard someone talking about this on another podcast the other day that like you could do a lot of like talking about stuff but it's the subconscious stuff and

the going back that really helps sort of change your subconscious story that's going on that's creating your real life situation, right? And so, you know, maybe you need, and I'm sure you're doing it, I don't know, do you do that kind of work with your therapist when it comes to relationships? Absolutely. I'm not doing talk therapy. I'm doing, it's, like psychoanalytic, isn't it the best? Yeah, so it's definitely not type, it's definitely definitely not talk therapy.

It's like, it's working with the beliefs. It's working with a subconscious. It's definitely working with like a lot. A lot of inner child, a lot of inner child stuff recently. Hardcore, yeah. So, yeah. That's great. It's not, it's not just talk therapy.

And so it's in a way, you know, it's like I do see small shifts. It's just, I think it's just so insidious. The abuse and the beliefs and the ways that it made me see myself. It's just so insidious that I just haven't been able to like, you know, it's that whole thing where it's like you have to get a certain momentum. and then it kind of, you know, you go, you get over the hill and then it's like, you know, you're all downhill kind of thing. I just haven't gotten to that, to that turning point. Like, I keep feeling like I'm close, but I just, it's so frustrating.

When it comes to, like, finding that right relationship. Or just, just being the person, having enough things change within me that I am capable of receiving it, you know? Yeah. I would try for one thing at a time. that's how I've done it in my life. And I've always said that like whenever I've tried for things in my life because I have a deserving problem

and I have these subconscious tapes that run and ruin fucking things for me and all the stuff that happened to me. Like whenever I've done anything, the baby thing, like certain made a step forward that really changed me. It felt like I was walking through it like with bricks on my back. Like a string with bricks. Like it was me against me.

It was like the hardest thing, but without, no matter what happened, I didn't stop until I got what I wanted. You know what I mean? And it, but it was a battle. And it was like, and for most people, it's the easiest thing, right? The things that I've had to do that for, right? Just because of what we've been through, that's the way that it is. So I would say, like, I think about how I did the baby thing. I would say if like what you, pick one thing, you want a fucking relationship like everybody

else has. Like you deserve that. You want that. That's what you want. your life and do not stop no matter what until you get one and that should that would be like just keep dating keep doing everything and no matter how like no matter how much you fail no matter don't let it change the fact that you know for sure that that's going to happen do you know what mean and just keep going for it and just do not stop like because when I eventually had my baby

people were like I can't fucking believe you had a baby like there's no one thought I was going to have it because it's like no matter what happened no matter how hard like and I finally only had the baby and I could say on the other side it's just like wow like I you know how did I make that happen through a lot of hard work why was it hard who cares like but it was you know but when you're on the other side of it and you're in it it's it's then it just is you know so it's like you you have to go keep moving forward into the guy things no matter how much doubts you have no matter how many times you hit roadblocks no matter how many bad guys you keep meeting you still have to believe and know what your end goal is know exactly what you want and keep going towards it. And you won't feel

always like right about it. You know what I mean? You'll feel insecure. You'll feel like, oh, this isn't right. I can never have this. But you have to keep like doing the actions that go with it. Right. So which is dating and keep asking people to set you up and maybe moving away to a different place so that you could find the, you know, but it has to be like that's what you want. That's what you're going to get. And that's the next thing that's going to happen for you. And if it happens two years from now, great if it happens two months from now, even better. But you know that it will happen. You know what I mean? And know that anything that comes into your path along that journey is just a part of it, you know, but don't ever get discouraged, you know, or stop or think it's not

right, you know, because all of that is working towards what you want, right? Like somebody once explained it to me like, oh, like you're trying to have a baby. It's like making a phone call. Like every quarter you put in is going towards the whole two-dollar. you put in, right? So it's not like one quarter as a waste of your time. Do you understand? Like one thing that you do, even if you fail, it was one thing towards what you want. So, right?

So each guy is a quarter in your phone call, you know? And maybe you have to put $6 in. I don't know how many fucking quarters you're going to have to go through. But you don't do it until you fucking conquer it and get what you fucking want. Because life's too short. You deserve it. This is a lesson that you have to do and you should do it for yourself. and then get that and then see what you want after that.

But you should have that in your life. Now's the time and that's what you want. And there's no reason why you shouldn't. I think like you're pretty like strong and ballsy for all the things that you've faced so far in your life, you know, that I think if this is what you want, there's no reason why you won't be able to get it. You know, you don't, to me, don't seem like a quitter, right? Or so, you know, but you're just going to have to keep doing.

it until you get it, you know, and not quit. And look at all different directions and don't get discouraged, you know, but I do believe that there's somebody for everybody, for sure. Walk down the street. I live in New York City. I'll see like a guy with no legs dating a blind woman, you know. I see like, I always make jokes like watch intervention and you're going to see a man in a puddle and his wife running out, you know, drooling and his wife running out to go get him.

You know, there's somebody that is available to love you. And it's just when you are ready to be loved and love back, you know. That's the other thing. You have to be really ready to really fall in love yourself as well. But I think that you really want it is a sign. That's a sign that it's time for you. Right? I think so.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah. Yeah, that's what I will take that as a sign. Yeah, take that as a sign and then keep me posted of like what happens six months from now. You know what I mean? And what happened? And like I like the journey might be a little bit more difficult and it might be a rocky road. But don't stop. That's my whole thing. It's like don't stop. Like I don't like the spiritual people or certain spiritual people like believe like oh if something happens and it like the door is an open or there's a roadblock. That's a sign of not to do. It's like that's the biggest bullshit I've ever heard. you know like nobody that's successful gets deterred by fucking roadblocks they just do go a different way like you know what I mean you just have to keep going forwards you know uh don't read into anything don't get overwhelmed or or give up because you're like oh you're still playing out the same thing

and just decide that you want to meet that right guy and you're ready for it to heal on that level because it will be healing for you to have that kind of love in your life decide that that That's what you decide that that's what you want and then start, you know, dating a lot and keeping your light on, you know, like so that you're available and see who you meet. You never know, you know. Seriously. But that's what you want. That's what you have to get. And I need to know when you get it and how you got it.

No, I really do. Oh, thank you. And again, I just, I really appreciate you. It's very, very insightful. And I appreciate you clearly have been on. your own, you know, tumultuous journey and you clearly have a lot of empathy and ability to, like, you know, listen to others and see what's happening for them. So I super appreciate you holding space for me and, like, you know, really digging into all of the dirt and the darkness, right?

No, I love it. And I always think to myself, because I look at everything at the end of the day, like, we're all just going to die one day, right? And I could sit here and be like, oh, these cards that were dealt to me were so fucking shitty. And sometimes I'm a human being and I think that way, right? But the bigger picture, what I think is that I'm so happy that like, I was an alcoholic and I quit. I'm so happy that I was like fucking had the shit that happened to me and I was like acted out sexually. Like I was so happy I was thrown out of schools and was a terrible kid. You know, I'm so happy because I could relate to more people. You know what I mean? It's not like I read a book and I know these things. It's like I lived the life. I know from experience

and it really allows me to sort of understand other people and feel like I, and now, because I lived in fertility, I understand those people. I went through years of, you know, so, and I, and so I look at, like, those kind of things that some people would say are very negative as something positive, because it, it creates this positive thing in my life where I can connect people. People tell me things. I learn from you, you learn from me, you know what I mean? We learn from talking to each other and putting our stuff out there. So I love it. I enjoy it. I'm always so thankful for. for people that call into my show. I'm very thankful for you to comment and talk about your story

because there's a lot of stuff in your story that I think some people keep hidden even though they know it because they're ashamed or whatever. And I just think it takes a lot of balls and courage to do that. I know this is anonymous, but still, you speak very well. You really sort of, you know, have your eyes open to everything that has happened to you. And that's to your credit of being able to sort of handle it and be sort of rocks, you know, pretty solid.

for somebody that's been through what you've been through. There's people that have been through a lot less and they're fucking, you know, drunks on the side of the street because they can't handle it, you know? You seem pretty together considering. So you deserve a guy. Go get him. Well, I appreciate that, yeah.

And I think that's why I wanted to talk to you about it is because I really do feel like, yeah, like it happens. It's so pervasive. I know so many people this has happened to and like you're not the only. and it affects all aspects of your life. So if you're, yeah, like you can't just, you can't just get over it, you know?

No, but take one, like, I always took like one part of my life and like went after it because it can, it's very difficult breaking those things, right? So like for me, like having the baby and then, and for me, I want a relationship. I want a relationship for like 10 years just to be able to say I could do it because I never have, you know? And that'll be something that I have to do too, but I have to go after it. like solely like the same way like because things are just those kind of things are difficult to me because of stuff that's happened same for you so just pick one thing and just work on that and make it that your relationship for right now well thank you so much i really appreciate your time and i'm so happy i was so excited i'm probably so worked out today i'm so excited to talk to you awesome i'm so happy you called in and i'll probably air this sunday so take a listen wait till you hear it back you're gonna love it even more you'll get so much even more out of it when you hear

Oh my God, I'm so excited. I have a little bit of my friends. All right. Awesome. All right. Let me know what you think and let me know what they think. All right. Thank you, Candy.

Sorry about the time change. Bye. Oh, no. It's all good. Bye bye. All right. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book,

it's called Strictly anonymous confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story.

There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person, and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters.

It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book.

It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available. coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can

win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you. the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in.