Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 383 - Bipolar Zane's Pantyhose Fetish Got him into Trouble

Episode Date: April 5, 2021

Bipolar Zane's pantyhose fetish has got him into trouble and he calls in to talk all about it. When did his pantyhose fetish start? How did it get him into trouble? What other kind of trouble has followed? Tune on for all the details which include his earliest memories about pantyhose and how they turned him on, how he became a "pay pig," what he paid for and how that led to trouble, his pay for sex relationships with a dominatrix and more, his relationships with unavailable women and why he's attracted to them, the "one" he can't get over and why he should, the sexual harassment situation that got him fired from his job and a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

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Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy. If you want to follow the Strictly Anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous. I'm taking a break on taping people, but I will tape women or anyone out there that has a fetish or a story that you think I've never heard about. That's like really fucking good.

Like, if you like to shit on your girl, Sorry, but like, I'll have you on. I'll tape you. If you're a woman, I'll tape you because, you know, female guests are always like the most downloaded. But for right now, I'm taking a break because I'm just so backed up on episodes. I don't have, I'll never be able to air them all. And I'm not tap, I'm not airing two episodes a month.

I'm too busy. So I'm going to take off from taping people. But if you are, like I said, a woman or you have like a story that you think I've never heard before that's like amazing. send me an email it's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com and I'll have you on the show today I have a guy named

Zane oh wait I also do something on my Patreon that I think is really great if you want to be on the show and like you know do what the people do on my show which is confessed to me or just talk to me but you want to do it on the download because you don't want to ever you don't want me to air your episode I offer that on my Patreon as well it's $60 for a 45 minute call You could use your time any way you want.

It's not taped. It's not recorded. But I can send you. I can tape it and just send you a link if you want to hear it, but most people don't do that. You could sign up through my Patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. Or you could just email me and we could set that up through PayPal. Okay. So today I'm on a guy named Zane.

I taped Poor Zane's episode like eight months ago. I mean, there's a lot of people that I taped eight months ago that's still of an error. That's why I'm not taping anymore. But I forgot about his episode. I'm airing it now. Zane is bipolar. He's into Panyos. But we didn't get that much into his Panyos fetish because there's so much other stuff that's going on with him.

Right? We do get into the Pant. Like the first thing we get into is his Panios fetish, like how it started. How uncomfortable he is and self-conscious he is about it. He happens to be bipolar. We talk about that a lot. He did. I mean, what would you even say? What's the proper grammar? He engaged with pay pigs. I never heard

about pay pigs. I didn't know what the fuck a pay pig was, but you'll hear about them in this episode. He had a whole thing going on with some pay pigs who were flight attendants who were selling their pantyhows and picks of them in pantyhose. And he was doing business with them. And it went like South, right? It didn't turn into a good situation. You got to hear the whole story. It's not like any one person is wrong. They were We're both kind of wrong. He cops to it. But that's an interesting story. And he's had some other kind of, you know, bordering on boundary issue situations in his life. And we talk about another one where he got fired from his job due to, it was kind of sexual harassment, right? And he explains how that happened, why it happened.

He's very, you know, open about his issues. He knows who he is, right? But he has some issues, and we discuss them. The other one is that he's really attracted to unavailable women. Now, I could relate to that because I've been that way most of my life. So we talk a lot about that. And there's one woman in particular that he's been interested in and in a relationship with for a long time.

It's not a solid relationship because she's married or engaged to somebody else. and he can't let go of her and it's and he needs to so we talk about how he's you know he can't let go of her how he can let go of her um we talk about the love of attraction and how you know and we talk about like I said that sexual harassment that happened at his work that he got fired over and that kind of stuff goes back to his anxiety issues and his bipolar uh tendencies and how he sabotages and all that good stuff. Now, I'm happy to say that Zane, I talked to him a long time ago, Zane has come a long way and has been through a lot and he's on the other side of some

troubled times and he's doing really well now. So that's the good part of this story, right? If I would have aired this eight months ago, it wouldn't have been so. He wasn't in a good place. But on this episode, you get the backstory and it's interesting. and he's like I said he's super honest and so I'm going to be right back on with Zane Hey Zane, welcome to a strictly honest podcast

How are you today? I'm good Kathy. How are you doing today? I'm doing good. So you're a panty hose guy, right? I am a pantyhose guy. I guess it's one of the most common yet, I guess, embarrassing fetishes to have. It's weird.

Yeah, why is it embarrassing? I think, you know, it is common, right? That's something that I learned and was very surprised to learn about through doing my show for so many years. And I get the, I don't get the embarrassing thing because I think it's one of the most easiest fetishes for a woman as a partner to swallow, right, that her guy would have. I think it's a little bit harder when the guy's like, oh, I want to wear them and fuck you, then, oh, I just want to see you wear them, you know. but I have heard, yeah, and I think a lot of, you know, I still have people calling into my show that are, you know, living secret lives with their pantyhose, you know, fetish. So how does it express itself in your life?

I mean, every guy is totally different. So my story with pantyos has, I guess, been going back to just, this is going to sound weird, but the most earliest memory I have of being obsessed with pantyhose is, of all things like Barker's beauties on the prices right when I would stay home. Oh, hilarious. Like, like, I would just. I love the prices right. I mean, I would just, I would get fascinated with the model's legs.

And, you know, sometimes they would sheen, which made me realize that they had something on them. And, you know, yeah, you know. I'm sure the other people felt the same way, right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And then as I got older, you know, I started, you know, paying more attention to, I have some female relatives, you know, that would wear, you know, because at that time, you know,

I was born in 84. So growing up, you know, the business attire, you know, was appropriate for that type of time for women in the office and, you know, fashion, you know, of the 20 year olds and stuff, you know, there were, you know, rocking the tights with, you know, the jeans shorts and whatnot, you know, in the 80s and the big hair. So, you know, it was around when I was growing up. I would say that it really started manifesting itself obviously when I hit puberty and I was able to learn how to start jacking off and coming and all that kind of stuff. Right. When you would put it together that it gave you a sexual feeling, right? That feeling, yeah, sexual pleasure. Physical pleasure. Yeah. So, you know, I, I guess would

start doing what every normal person who has that kind of fetish does is they would go where it's most easily accessible. And, you know, like when I was young and I'd stay home, sick and watch the prices right once I got older and I was home from school and you know I would I would sneak in to mom's draw you know and and feel and I'd put on and wear and you know it was kind of like a twofold sort of thing like you know I felt incredibly sexy and pleasured and calm and it also kind of warped me a little bit to be like I didn't know my mom could have these types of things, you know, so it kind of gave me a perception, you know, that I wasn't used to in that regards. And then since then, you know, what do you mean by that? I, you know, I think, I think what happens

is, is that I would say for even most females in, in some guy's life, like friends or, you know, sisters, mothers, you know, I think that it's hard sometimes to envision them as being sexual, you know. Oh, right, right. Well, because it was sexual for you, you, you know, started, right, even though your mother wasn't using them in a sexual way, but because they were, in your mind, filed that way, you saw it at your mom's sexual side. Yeah, that's completely fair. That's completely fair, you know, but it was like, it was like finding the different ones with her, like, you know, the thigh high, the ones with garter belts, you know, even the crotchless panties that would go with them, you know? So like it, it was a whole

mind-opening sort of experience. You know, so, you know, as I got older on my own, you know, I would start paying more attention to Panyos porn on the Internet. You know, I would start looking up things like foot jobs and late jobs and, you know, type of, some type of, you know, femme dom, you know, stuff that could go with, you know, the Panyos fetish. And I just sort of developed, you know, into it and it's become one of, if not the most sort of, you know, predominant fetish that I have when it comes to sexual fantasies and stuff. You know, I think my, the hardest part for me with it is, is that I have, you know,

diagnosed with a bipolar tool, general anxiety. So I have a very hard time being comfortable with the fetish and expressing the fetish outside of, you know, the internet, hiding behind an avatar, you know, or an Instagram account or something like that. And I can tell you this, skipping ahead a little bit, just bringing up Instagram, I was not aware of the huge Fed and Kink market on Instagram for, like, feet picks and panty-host picks. It blew me away.

And, of course, you know, I didn't even know that exists. It does. Right. Okay, that's interesting. There's a very, very black underground market on Instagram for these types of pictures and accounts. I can tell you that I had the most, if you will, success in getting pictures from people on Instagram were flight attendants. Really? Because they are used to it. They know that there is a fetish for the uniform, you know, the whole sort of tire.

Yeah. So, you know, they do their best to keep it on the down low, but they have no problem, you know, making some extra money because obviously the travel is great, but there's no real economic perk of being a flight attendant. But somewhere somebody once told somebody who told somebody and it's like the game of telephone, the word got out with these girls, these women, right, that they could do this and there's a market for it. It's interesting. Absolutely. Uh-huh. And, you know, it's, it's, it's weird. Because you have a lot of, um, different types of roles and, you know, turn-ons with the fetish.

Um, you know, a lot of time there is, um, a, um, you know, like a dominant role for these, these people selling the pictures. You know, a lot of people are more into the submissive sort of foot worship and, and things. I learned a term that I never heard of before during this called a pay pig. Yeah, I've never heard of that, right. But that would be them being the dominant, the person buying. They're being the dominant, and yeah, the guys are getting off on giving away their money. Yeah. You know, yeah.

A pay pig, interesting. A pay pig, yeah. So that opened my mind. And I got to admit, like, once I get sort of into discovering, like, the sexy underworld of things, if you were, well, it blows my mind. Like, I start obsessing over things. I start compulsing on it. So I started buying all kinds of different pictures or mold different kinds of flight

attendance. You know, it became an obsession. How much do they charge? It would depend on the model. But, like, the average, yeah. If you will. Like a round. Some were very happy sending pictures for $50.

Others would do, like, five, 100. It would depend on how important, I guess, they would feel themselves to be and how much the person was willing to pay to see. And what you were getting were pictures of them in their tights or their outfit, their outfit, yeah. Exactly. So what happened is some of them are, you know, obviously they hide their face because of their issues with the airlines. That's what I would figure, yeah. Yeah. So with the ones that I have done business with, They hide their face. Some of them are in part of uniform.

Like, maybe you can see their skirt and their legs. I've had some just take their bottom off, like, when they've been in layover and just shown, like, their actual panty hose bottoms, you know, waist down. I've never really gotten anyone to do nudity, which is fine. I totally respect that. Yeah. I'm more into the, you know, the panty hose side of things. Anyway.

Yeah. Like, and there was, I really got involved in it, and there was, like, this this Instagram account um they're not around anymore um the the name was in flight dolls and I can say that because they're they're not active anymore yeah um there was like four or five girls involved with that site and and you know I won't name the names but some of them were more into the lifestyle of domination than others um and um when I was sort of like really really getting treated as a submissive during the whole thing. You were a pay-pick.

Yeah, I didn't, it didn't sit well with me. And, you know, it kind of started affecting my low self-esteem again. And, you know, I realized that wasn't part of the kink or fetish life that I was into. I don't, you're attracted to it in a negative way. It was like a dark thing. Yeah, I don't, you know, I don't need to be degraded. I don't need to be down to. I'm very willing to give you money for what we're doing, but, you know, don't treat me like an a-hole.

Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Right. So when I decided that I was going to start cutting back on them in terms of the money I spent, I actually got like a phone call from a marked name, unmarked number on my cell phone. When I was at work one day, and they're saying, you know, you shouldn't have done this to so-and-so. We know who you are, blah, blah, blah. It was crazy.

You mean just saying I'm not buying anymore? Just because you decided not to be a customer? I don't like how you guys are treating me. you know, it's over, it's done. So then they called you to strong arm you, but what was the purpose of that call to try to get you back? Try to sort of, like, I guess try to get the money back in terms of like, you know, the strong arm extortion, hey, we know who you are.

We can tell people what you're doing. Oh, wow. And I actually reached out on social media to one of the airlines, and like there was a whole big sort of like investigation into it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, this is kind of fascinating to me. So they, you tell them, like you realize in your just personal journey that you just don't want that. You don't want to be a pay pig anymore, right? You let them know, I need to cut that off.

But, you know, maybe you'll still continue to buy for them. I don't know what that was that exchange. Did you say that you still continue to buy or did you really put that down in your? You know, what happened was I was getting to a point where I was getting too obsessed with it. Yeah. And I needed to go cold turkey for a little while. So that's what it was. And I told them, you know, I wasn't happy with certain people that I was interacting with on that account.

And I said, you know, I'd really kind of hate, you know, this to continue. And something happened where we all get in trouble. And then the next day is when I got a... So they probably took that as threatening. You kind of threatened them. Maybe? Maybe it did kind of... I see, it probably kind of came off as a threat.

but what I really meant was we need to stop this because everyone could get in trouble, meaning myself and them. You know, I wasn't trying to threaten this, though, Zane. You just didn't like it for yourself personally, right? Like it was just something you needed to stop for yourself personally. Oh, yeah. That was always on me. I wasn't trying to get them to stop doing what they were doing.

You know, they could find the next guy and go on. Who is happy with that? Right. But it seems like the message you gave. them wasn't really that. It seems like you twisted that into something else, like, you know, they should totally stop what they're doing and what they're doing is wrong. It just was wrong for you. You know what? It might have come out that way at the time because of the emotions that I was, I was having, which is, yeah, which is, which has always been a problem of mine in terms of being

tempered and present. Yeah. So I can understand why they took it the way they did. Right. So they take it as a threat. And then what happens when they come back to you? So I've never talked to any of these people on the phone. Yeah. How did they even have your number? I don't know. Oh, they just fucking found it. Well, you could get numbers nowadays.

You can. Yeah, that's what was weird, you know. So they called me and they blocked their number. Yeah, they had your address. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You know, so they left the message saying, you know, we need to think about what you're going to do if you're going to affect so and so. And they said, like, we know who you are.

And they hung up. It was a voicemail. Okay. Okay, we're done. Like, I, I mean, I've lost the job I had at that time since, so it's not a big deal. But, you know, I'm freaking out thinking what's going to happen to me, you know, am I going to get embarrassed with, like, dirty laundry on the Internet, you know? So I'm all for, you know, people.

Let me just put this. When I felt like I got threatened, I really overreacted. And that's how I, like, reached out for help. Well, I think, listen, this is everyone's overreacted. but the first thing came from you, like you threw the ball, and it's like, it's like a game, right? You just kind of hit the ball in a different way,

and they're like, oh, I got to hit it back. You know, and then it just gets worse and worse, right? You kind of threaten them. They overreact and come back at you, and then you overreact and come back to them, you know, and now you got fucking drama, you know, and messy drama. Yeah, absolutely.

And you know what? Unfortunately, that's part of my life in the sense of, I unfortunately create drama everywhere I go because when I, you know, I have no happy medium. Yeah. I have no happy medium. Yeah. You know, I'm either, I'm either 100% full, you know, full speed ahead, no stop, or, you know, I can't be bothered.

Right. You know, yeah. Okay. You know, I, yeah. Well, listen, you know yourself, right? You know that that's what you do. So let me just hear about the trauma, though. It's kind of interesting.

So they come back and say, we're going to, you better not say anything because we know who you are, right? this will get out. You get freaked out, but how do you get them? You go to the airlines? Or what happens next? I reached out on social media. I tweeted one of the airlines and I said, I'm having an issue with one of your employees. Can someone DM me? So I reached out because I was feeling threatened. Like you said, everyone was feeling threatened. So I overreacted. I reached out to one of the airlines. I said, if someone can DM me, please, you know, I need to speak to someone about an employee. Oh my God. I wish I was your friend. I would. I would have taken your phone away from you and been like,

what the fuck is the wrong thing to do? I have an unfortunate sort of knack for overreacting. Yeah. Yeah, I do. I mean, that wasn't very thought through because like you're going to, the last thing you want is for anyone to know your business. And now, so you put them on blast. You're, you know, I don't know.

I was just curious how this ends. So you call the error. It ended with the account going on. away, the person disappeared and not bothering me anymore and moving on. And there was, there was no, as far as I know, I don't think the girl lost her job. Right. Okay. That was running the account. And, you know, we, I moved on. Yeah. I learned my lesson. And, you know, I at least try to take that with me everywhere I go, you know, that I, uh, I learned from, you know, mistakes or even good, you know, even good things. You know, there's always a learning moment from it. Of course. That's all you could do. And

that's what's most important so you don't have to keep getting learning that like you know listen if you don't learn it it just keeps happening then right that's the that's the way life works and you know do we all make mistakes i think the hardest thing is like forgiving yourself for them and but then taking from what you learned and moving ahead and trying not to do it again right i mean right exactly that's all you could do so that went away and you didn't like we right and it didn't go on blast like i mean it could have ended worse let me tell you so that was it absolutely could have you're lucky It absolutely could have. Yeah.

You know, and so, you know, that issue or that part of the story, you know, ended at that time. Yeah. I've since found new people to purchase content from, if you will, and keep it very professional. Don't, you know, get obsessed with it. You know, don't try to, I guess, sort of have the artist or the influencer substitute sort of the real relationships I'm kind of looking for. because what's weird with me and why I get embarrassed with the pantyose reddish is that I'm, I guess it makes you feel less masculine as a guy because like me, I like wearing. I like how it feels by my dick, you know, like I enjoy it.

And so, you know, macho, macho man, you feel very sort of, you know, less of a man. If you guess you kind of vocalize and speak these things out, I mean, in 2020, we shouldn't have a problem with that. You know, but, you know, the way you're brought up. A man is a man, a woman is a woman. I know, unfortunately my household, that's the way it was, you know? So there's the stigma of expressing that side of myself, you know? So I wouldn't, I don't necessarily have, I haven't gotten to the point with a girlfriend or a relationship where I've been able to even get to that point where we can even start discussing something like that, you know. So they've never known.

It's always been a secret wife. To be honest with you. It's always been a secret because I have not had a quote-unquote girlfriend ever in my life. Like, I've had some friends, but I've had really strong emotional and spiritual connections with. I've had a couple of people I've dated, but it maybe lasted two or three dates. So I've always been repressed. I've always kept these things inside. So when it comes to the flight attendants or when it comes to, you know, going to the massage parlor,

if you will and having, you know, a happy ending or more with a masseuse. Like that's how I've expressed myself. That's how I've gotten my physical sort of needs and, you know. Matt, right. When did you lose your virginity? How old were you? I can tell you this specifically to the date. It was likely the Saturday after Superstorm Sandy hit New Jersey in 2012.

Yeah. So how old were you then? I was 28. Wow. Yeah. And who was that with? Considering you've never had girlfriends, like was it a paid kind of situation? It was with the paid professional.

Yeah. I actually went to a local Seuss parlor. Yeah. And I had one of the ladies there. And I, of all things, brought panty hose with me. Right. And I asked her if she would wear them. And she did.

And I lost my virginity that day. Right. And how was it? after so long. Was it a great experience? Was it just here or there? It's always interesting for me to ask that question because it's not always, yeah, it was like amazing, even though you would think it would be.

So this is what I took away from it. I actually could do or do out or do or do without like vaginal intercourse. Like that is what it is. You know, that that's fine. I was really more into it obviously because she let me, she let herself wear panty hose. And she let me, you know, fuck her feet. She let me, you know, rub my cock on them. Yeah.

And she let me jizz on them when I was done, you know? So, so like that fantasy was like, I finally fulfilled it. That's what the biggest, like, sort of joy and memory of that day was. Right, with a person because it was probably always a fantasy. Yeah. Uh-huh. It's always been my left hand in, you know, ex-hamster or porno. Yeah.

You know, it's always been, it's always been, you know, difficult. And I will say this, I think the last time I actually had sex, intercourse sex, was about a year or two later. I remember being in Montreal all the way with another professional. And, you know, I might have been 29, 30 years old, and it's going on five years since I've had sex. Yeah, I was going to ask you, has it always, so it's been two times in your life that you've had sex? Pretty much. Right. Pretty much.

So, and you've never had with a person that you haven't paid for? Like, no relationship, even a one-night stand with a woman? No. I mean, the girls, the girl that I had the most nightstands with only ended in really sort of, you know, making out and groping each other. But there was never any, you know, even a hand job. You know, there was never even that, you know. So, so, yeah. So I have very little experience.

and I have very low self-esteem because I overthink, you know, why I don't have so much experience. You know, I either can blame it on my physical experience. Which came first, you know what I mean, the chicken or the egg? It's probably the overthinking is what caused that, right? But you keep thinking and you never get to the point where you're fucking thinking, that's the problem. Well, that's the thing. You know, as a kid, you know, I remember being happy go lucky, you know, but somewhere a switch. flipped and I started thinking people would abandon me, people would leave me, they'd get in accepting.

But did something happen that you could put, you know, peg as the, of why that switch went off? Was there some sort of it? So the two things I can think of that are sort of the biggest traumatic moments of my life are my mom and dad splitting up in 94 and getting divorced in 96. It was not pretty at all. And then I actually fell in love with a girl from in March of 2012. And we were inseparable. We were always together.

You know, we slept in the same bed, but we never had sex. And it went on for months. Like, I fell in love with her. How old are you at that time? But she was engaged. How old were you, though, at that time? I was 27. Okay.

Mm-hmm. And how old were you when your parents divorced? Way young, right? Yeah, I was nine when they split up. Yeah, that's a rough age. That's an interesting, you know, a difficult age, you know? Oh, yeah. You know, and I definitely can circle that error of my childhood between like nine and, you know, 17 going to college, 18 going to college as, you know, being a big, you know, trying.

And it just feels like I was like Indiana Jones trying to chase, you know, getting run over by that big boulder. Like that's what that time period feels for me. It was just like trying to survive. What's the boulder? The boulder is just life itself? The boulder was, you know, a lot of life itself, the issues I had with my dad, the issues I had with my mom. You know, my dad's kind of like a drunk, you know. He loves his, you know, cocktail at 5 o'clock.

Yeah. And he gets into a certain way and I can't, I can't deal with my father, you know. When my father and my mother split, there was a time where my father had failed drug tests by the court. And instead of agreeing to see us with my great-grandmother of all people as the mediator, he just gave up on us. He decided not to see us during that time. So that's another abandonment. It's not right? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So, and then mom, after she split up and I was getting older, you know, and, you know, AOL was the hot thing of online dating. you'd meet people in the chat room, you know, she was meeting people. You know, she wouldn't necessarily bring them around us, but, you know, when we were away with dad on visitation, when she had us, she'd, you know, go to places like Kansas, you know, or Wisconsin, you know, to meet these guys that, you know, she, uh, she would, you know, she was meeting, you know, at the time.

And it's funny because at that point is when I started finding some of the emails and instant messages that she was writing to these guys. And, like, that's when I found, like, her overnight bag with, like, her thigh highs in it. Like, that was when things really started to change in that regards, too, in terms of how I feel, how I started to view mom. Oh, well, you saw a side to her that most people don't see, right? Because you were snooping around her stuff. And what were, like, what, was it very explicit email that you would read?

I remember, I remember an email. I remember one part of an email specifically mentioning and this was I guess the lover at the time having her lips wrapped around his head. Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, so it's like, holy shit.

Mom, what the hell? You know, like you learn the birds and the bees, you know, mom and dad have sex and you're born, you know, but you never think of mom giving some dude a blowjob in thigh highs. You know? So it's like shocking, you know. And then, yeah. You know, then I went to high school, and I really didn't come into my own until I was away in college.

And even in college, you know, I felt in love more than I fell sort of in lust for people. More like unrequited love kind of thing, like from afar in your head. Yeah. It wasn't even from afar. They knew, but it was just unrequited. Yeah, yeah, right. It was no. Okay.

And I think that's, I think that's possibly part of why, like, I didn't do, like, the whole. college one-night stand thing, you know, or, you know, hooking up at a frat party or a sorority party with people, you know, because I was looking for that love. You know, as cliche and as stupid that sounds and as kinky as perverted as I am in, you know, in certain things, I just want to be loved. Like, that's always been... Yeah, but probably back in that day, I have to tell you, and I'm sure you could see it looking back, that you absolutely were looking for nothing. You were probably so petrified of falling in love with someone that they would leave you. So you just kept yourself in a very safe bubble and you made sure that that never happened to you. And that's why you stayed away,

right. I mean, you have to know that. Yeah. No, that's a, you know, when you put it that way, it's exactly right. Because things like that are still sort of happening in, you know, my life today, even with friends. Like, yeah, it's very hard if you have, uh, commitment phobia, you know, because of stuff that was put on you when you were younger. It's very hard to open yourself up and become available if you've been available for a really long time, you know? Yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying, you know. I always looked at it as, you know, me being safe, not wanting to, you know, get hurt, you know.

Yeah. But when you put it that way. But that's unavailable because there's no safety in falling in love with the nature of it is unsafe. I mean, everybody that does it is unsafe. There's never a guarantee. Someone could always leave you, you know. So it is for somebody that I have abandonment issues.

I totally get you. I dealt a lot with unrequited love. So I know a lot about what you've been through. And I know how unavailable I was and what I was doing that you could sometimes seem on the outside as totally the opposite. But I was totally unavailable and totally afraid of getting close and never would put myself in that. But when you're in it, you don't see it that way. You know, but that's what it is. You know, and I get why you would be.

unavailable because of the stuff that happened to you when you were younger. But I do believe as somebody that had that problem myself, that it is a hard thing to get rid of because a lot of the stuff is subconscious. So right, that story is playing out subconsciously too. So, you know, you could maybe get to the point where you feel consciously. You're very ready for something. But then your subconscious will come in and fucking sabotage or whatever, you know. And that's a problem.

I'm great at fucking self-sabotage. Yeah. It's like, so. Yeah. I was just thinking, you know, through my years.

And, you know, and I agree with you, Kathy, because, you know, what, what it is is I've,

I've been on a search to find myself for a long time, especially since I thought I found the person that was meant for me back in 2012. Yeah. You know, um,

so, you know, I've tried, you know, 12-step programs, you know, I gave up drinking for a while, because I was looking for myself.

myself. You know, everything trying to like get to that point where I could start loving myself so I could love other people. Right. You know, but you're right. I closed up. I locked down, you know, even in the, even before the pandemic, I was emotionally locked down. Yeah. And, you know, it just became easier to go to the massage place and play, you know, and pay for a hand job. It, that's, that was a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. Of course. And it was safer. Yeah, well, exactly. Well, safer in the sense, yeah, that I'm not going to get emotionally hurt, but, you know, you take the risk of, you know, the cops knocking on the door.

But, when, how old are you now, Zane? How old are you now? I am 35. So you're 35. Well, listen, you're still young in my eyes because I'm 51, right? At 35, you don't feel so young, right? Maybe. But trust me, you are still.

I would say as somebody that has had, and we'll get back to the Panahan-ho stuff, because I know that, like, that's what we're talking about. Yeah, we're supposed to be talking. Whatever, I don't care. I never have a, I never have a definite idea of where a conversation is going to go. I go where it just goes, you know, but for me, because I've lived a lot of this and I understand it, I could say to you that having a child, I mean, for me, having a relationship, a long-term relationship, getting married, quote unquote, was never a part of my dream or fantasy.

I could care less. But having a child was always something I wanted to do and I felt like would be a regret if I was like, I always look at it. Like, I'm on my deathbed. Would I care if I never got married? No. Would I care if I didn't have a child? Yes.

And I have to say that having a child and, you know, really helped open up a big part of me because that love that comes. And the safety because it's your child and it's unconditional is really is very healing, you know, so I don't know if you ever see yourself having children or if that's a part of your plan in the future. But I will say that that can be very healing. It was for me. If it happens at the right time, you know, I think a lot of people that could happen

at the wrong time and it's not. It's a fucking nightmare. But I mean, I quit drinking at 34. I didn't have a baby until I was 46. You know, so I had a lot of years of being sober and learning how to release the drama and, you know, grow up and get my feet on the ground and be at peace within myself. And then I could be a good mom. You know, I don't know where you're at and that.

But if that ever happens, that could really. help you, you know, and I always felt like I would never be able to be capable of having a real relationship with anyone if I didn't have that first. You know, not to say, though, that's for everybody. You know what I mean? Your time will be when your time comes. You know, do you ever think about children for yourself or no? I do. I have. I'm, I'm a big believer in, in family legacy. I am the fourth vein in my family. Yeah. You know, dad, grandpa, great-grandfather. All the same name. Right. And, you know, I look at my, the male side of my family and I don't think anyone actually is, is ready or looking to having

kids at this point in time. So I used to put a lot of stress on myself. That you had to be the one? I have to be the one. Yeah. Get married, have a family, continue the family name. Like that was always, that was always something that meant a lot to me. Right. With the carry on, you know, the family. So I, but more recently, as I'm getting older, like you said, 35 isn't old, but I'm thinking the world's over, you know, at 35. Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. That, you know, I'm missing 50% of that equation for having kids and continuing the family names, you know. No, listen, the good thing about you is you're a guy, okay? There's no, you're, you could get, Rod Stewart has had kids at 75. I mean, you could have a child, your sperm will be working completely the same. At any time.

Your sperm are new. Like a woman's egg is different. Like, they are born with their eggs. So their eggs are as old as they are. But sperm is created in your body. Like, it's not like your sperm has been there since day one and they're fucking old, right? So you could have a baby at any time. So, you know, and you don't want to do that until the time is right for you.

So, I mean, 10 years from now at 45, you could have a child. You know, I had a child as a woman at 46, which is a lot to me, worse than a guy. Oh, yeah. So you're fine. Yeah, I can understand. Yeah. I mean, but for me, I wouldn't have done it any other way.

And I'm a much better mom than I would have been if I was 34. And I see a lot of my mom friends who are a lot younger than me. And I'm like, oh, you know, maybe if they waited a little bit because it's a very, it's a very different life, you know, so whatever. But so for you, that goal that you were with when you were 27 and I mean, you're 35 now, right? Like, how, like, are you not over it that, like, like, you? still look back at that one?

It was a... Oh, yeah, she's the one. Oh, yeah. No, I have a therapy session every week to talk about my complex post-traumatic stress disorder and what that relationship did to me. She's the one. She was absolutely... Let me rephrase that.

I feel still that she was the one. That feeling might change, but I'm caught up on her. Well, maybe because she was the only one. I mean, when someone is the only one, they, of course, going to feel like the one because there's nothing to compare it to. Right. Exactly. She was, but the hardest part of spending time with her and being with her was that she never would go home with me. She was engaged. That's the weirdest part of this. She was engaged for five years when I met her. Yeah, it's not weird though. I mean, if somebody that's not available for a

relationship, that's the perfect person. I did the same shit, except sometimes someone was way too young for me and I knew for a fact I'd never be with them or they were with someone else or, you know, There was, she was, she was living with the guy. Well, whatever. You know what it was? She was unavailable. And the reason why she feels like the one is because you were able to get closer to her than anyone because you knew on some level that she would never come, you know, so close to you that it would be fucking scary. Do you understand?

So it was, she wasn't the one. She was just perfect for you at that time because she was. was completely unavailable. And she allowed you to get closest, you know, because of that. I mean, if you met another girl that was married, the same shit would happen. But, you know. Probably. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, this is the one that I would sleep in the same bed with.

And, you know, we'd always be together when, even when her, even when her fiancee was home, you know, when he wasn't out on the weekends working, she would be with me at the beach, you know. It was a very, it was very weird. It was very weird. and the only reason that I still feel like I have such a strong connection to this person she so in 2014 her and I were just talking on the phone texting back and forth at that time basically we weren't really seeing each other because she moved down to Pennsylvania in Jersey not far but you know not really easy to to make plans because she was you know with somebody else I had a dream on a Sunday night

And I called her, I texted her the next morning and I said to her, I said, so I got a dream, I had a dream you got married this weekend. What's up with that? And her response was, how the fuck did you know that? Crazy. And then, yeah, and then like a year later, I was leaving a therapy session when I was doing intensive outpatient. And I had, she came up in the therapy session and I had a very strong urge to call her.

So I called her. and I asked her how she was doing what's going on and she told me she was in the hospital. And I said, are you having a baby? And she goes, yeah, they're inducing me in the morning. So, like, things like that still just bring me back to her. Like, I don't know if I created a connection or if there was a connection. You might have that, you might just be psychic and have that, you could have that with anyone if you, if you're thinking about them enough. Like, why don't you start thinking about your mailman and maybe it'll happen with him too.

You know, it might not be because you guys are meant to be. It just might be because you have that gift. You know, that's funny you say that because I remember when I reached out to you, one of the things that I said I had to be scheduled for. Yes. I had a reading by John Edwards, the psychic. Yeah. I was hoping you'd bring that up.

I like that stuff. It was really freaky. I don't really want to go back too deep into it. But maybe you're right because in that session, my grandfather who died in 1998 was the first person to come through. And that was insane to me because he is the person that I've been praying to sometimes, you know, for guidance and direction. So maybe you're right. Maybe I've got a little something there that puts me in tune with certain people.

Right, because I have to tell you, and I'm just going to say, just tell you one more thing about me because I'm very, I lived, I know I've had the same issue. You've got a lot of empathy going on. No, it's just empathy. I have experience being the same way. When I was younger, if I decided that I wanted to be with somebody, I used to be like, you know, I knew, like, I would hone in on a guy across the bar and be like, that's going to be my next boyfriend. And somehow it would like happen. And I always believed like, oh, it was because it was meant to be.

But then so many years later, when I was much older, I started to think, like, you know, maybe it's happening not because. it's meant to be, but because I know how to just sort of attract energy to me. Like, it's like that whole thing that I just said, like, oh, start thinking of the mailman and it might happen with them. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's not just because they're meant to be that this is happening. It's just because I could, because I focus so much on it and I make that decision and I

put it out there, it's like that law of attraction. It just happens, you know, because, right. Yeah, which is, which is funny because in the same reading with John Edward, He told me to act like a radio station frequency and put out what I want to receive. Yeah. Yeah. No, I agree. That's what you get.

So, you know, I think that, you know, holding, I think, you know, if you ever want to eventually be married, have children, or have a real relationship with somebody that goes farther than it did with that girl, you're going to have to let go of that. and be more honest with yourself or see it. I mean, you can't be more honest with yourself until you're ready for it, right? But once you sort of see that for what it was, because like I said, I mean, for so many years of my life, I thought that it was meant to be and I had that sort of vision and felt like, oh, it was a connection because of that. But I didn't realize that it was me just doing that because I chose them for that. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. No, I do. You're making a lot of sense. So, you know, you're going to have to ever move forward, I think, you know, know, considering you're still having conversations you said with your therapist every day about this girl. You know, you maybe want to start having, if you want, when you want to move forward, you know, sessions about letting go of her and putting an end to that. You know, maybe have a little funeral. Something.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so you could unclic, you know, you got to unclic. Because, listen, a mind like yours is very powerful. So it's got to be you against you. My mind was very powerful. So I'd have to like mind fuck myself. I'm a total addict. I'm 110% in on something, whatever it is.

So in order for me to click out, even if there's 1% left someplace, that 1% could be very strong. You know, it takes a very strong hold. And you got to really uncick. It's like you against you, you know. And I've always had to really mind fuck myself to do all the work that I've had to. And like you say it was like a boulder. I always say like everything I've done in my life because of my issues has. felt like I'm moving forward with like 18 bricks tied to my neck.

And the only way I move forward to the next level or have what I want to go against my issues is like walking forward with those risks. But what I've done is just not stop until I get there, you know? So for you, you got to let go of that girl. And then I think you will open yourself up for somebody else. I mean, listen, you're a part of my Patreon. on you, I'm sure you're a part of this, you know, the Panyos community, even if you're on the download, you know that there's so many people like you exist. You hear people on my show that have

partners that accept it and are okay. So I mean, really, and you're living in a time where things are really different. So it's like, it's, now is your time to start coming into your own and accept who you are and open yourself up to have your first real relationship for real. Because you don't want to be 60 in the same way. You know, you're only, you're only, 35, like I said, to me that's young. You have your whole life ahead of you. And now is the time to start deciding that you want more, you know, and you want more as exactly who you are, you know, wounded into panty-hose, you know, all the whole fucking shebang. There's times. Yeah. Like I was going to agree with you and, you know, circling it back to, you know, the panty-hose part that, you know,

that I brought up first. Yeah. Even with that, you know, I have to let go of my insecurities. I have to let go of my fears. Exactly. And a lot of people have those about what you're into, right? That somebody would like think you're not a real man because you want to wear pantyhose or, you know, all the stigma that's attached to it, right? I will say this as a funny end note. One of the most positive and confidence building times that I've had on social media or

the internet or whatever is when I've gone to some of these, you know, bisexual or or man in pantyhoes type, you know, sort of forums. And, you know, I'll post a dick pick. I'm not ashamed, you know. And I get compliments. Like, like, dude, like, a dude complimenting a guy on his dick is, to me, like, a big confidence boost. Because, like, you know, you always feel inferior, but, you know, here's your bro. Yeah.

You're good. You know, so that's the problem. You know, I just have to let go. You know, I hate to sound like that stupid frozen song, but I have to let it go. And that's a very... Let go of what? The insecurity or the... Insecurity.

Insecurity. The fear, the girl. Like, like the addiction. Like, everything in my life has... Can be summed up with the phrase, let it go. And I think... And I think you're absolutely right. You know, be it the relationship or be it the concerns I have about myself.

You're absolutely right. It's a constant battle of me versus me. When I was in the rooms, somebody told me I had to get stupid because I'm too smart for my own look, you know, basically. For sure, yeah, yeah. So you're absolutely right. And, you know, I know I came on to talk about my panty-hose cake, but you gave me a lot of great advice.

No, I love this conversation. Let me ask you this because we have a little bit, like 15 more minutes. I want to keep talking. You said, because like talking about letting go, right, sometimes when things are taken from us at certain times, it's because you're ending a phase and going into another. So maybe there's a positive of a negative that you talk. about in your email to me. I know that you did say that you lost your job because of sexual harassment during the pandemic, right? We're talking. I mean, you know, maybe there is a clearing

out in your life and you need to move forward. Like, what happened with that? Do you? So, full disclosure. Yeah. So the event happened in February. And this isn't to justify it. This is just to give you background information. For sure. I'm a member of my state's medicinal marijuana program. I was having anxiety before the event. Yeah. So I took a rip on my vape before I went into this event. Big deal. I sat

through the whole event. Yeah. I was so happy with the teachers who they were getting grants from the company I worked for to, you know, do innovating. So it was a company event. It was, I worked for the company. I went to a school. Yeah. Because we gave a nonprofit

of the money to give to the teachers. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So we were there as a corporate sponsor, me only. After the presentations, I was standing talking to a teacher about their project, and the photographer asked her to pose, and she held her a photo up at one hand, and she threw juices out with the other, and she stuck her tongue out. And I just went to the photographer.

Well, at least it wasn't this, and I put the juice, you know, the piece sign up to my lips like she was eating. And I realized right the fuck away what I did, and I apologized profusely. I turned pale fucking white. And I guess she didn't want to make a scene there, so she accepted the apology. And two months later, the bank told me that she had filed a complaint and that I was suspended, and the next day I was fired. Yay, yay. Yeah, so, again, I'm not justifying what I did. I know I was wrong.

That's an improper time and place. You know, the only defense I can have in my regard is I wasn't telling her to eat my, you know, I didn't want to eat her vagina or telling her to eat my vagina. I just made a bad joke. Right. Do you think that the weed, like, was, like, because you mentioned that you vaped before. Like, do you think the weed sort of let your guard down and that's why you didn't have those proper boundaries?

Absolutely. I think that absolutely let my guard down. And I, honestly, I've talked to my therapist about this, too. My guard was let down. And full circle, the pose that she did or had in that moment triggered the girl, the memories of the girl I met in 2012. Because she would sort of do the same body mannerisms and things. And then I have to say one other thing. I have to say when you apologize too much.

And that's what it was. You might have made it, you might have like made her realize like this. this is something really bad. Like, whereas maybe if you didn't say anything and just walked away, she would have forgotten about it. But you almost, like, maybe compelled her. Like, I have to do something because you made her realize, like you did something so bad that if she doesn't complain about it,

she's wrong. Well, you know what? Like we said before during the interview, I tend to overreact when I'm in an emotionally high situation. Yes. Oh, my God. But on the bright side, I won't say the name, but I have an interview in two days with a new company after this.

after we hang up. But my question to you, like, did you like that job, did the job that you were in? Did you love it? No. Right. I will tell you this. It was with giving back money to communities and nonprofit and low to moderate income

individual. I was happy with the job I had with that company. Yeah. But no. I am not a fan of corporate Wall Street funded companies. Right. And corporate policies. And I will tell you,

that once the first, you know, inkling that Corona was going to come here to the States, you know, I was maybe not a whistleblower, but I was telling them, hey, guys, you know, you need to do this, you need to do this. And they were getting pissed off at me. Right. It's hard to navigate that world if you're somebody that has your own mind. Yeah. Well, needless to say, after I was fired, I found out that they are cutting hours as well now.

So I think them getting me off the books was also important. them as more so than just firing me to save face. Right, right, right. Of course, they're like, oh, we could cut the fat over here and we could use this as an idea. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's why I wrote. Yeah, go on.

Sorry. Oh, so when I wrote you, you know, that was in a, that was in one of the downward cycles, you know, of, oh, I shot myself in the foot with sexual harassment. You know, I got this kink I'm ashamed of. My friends aren't talking to me. Like, I just needed to, you know, how my story a little bit. to you? The emotional sort of overreaction, like I do.

Like, what happened to me after getting fired. Oh, when you run back to your friends and start flipping out about it, and then they are eventually, like... They flip out about things because I'm so down on myself. I'm being so negative. And look, I'm a selfish prick. You know, like, I was hurting. I was feeling horrible about myself.

You know, I know we were supposed to socially distance and quarantine and isolate, but, you know, I have a big backyard. I asked them just to come over and sit six feet apart so we could talk. And it took until like this past weekend to get together with one of my friends, you know. But do you flip out about that? Is that the problem? I flip out when I feel like people are still abandoning me or forgetting or forgetting about me or using me. Like I'm one of a firm believer where, okay, I understand people are busy, but I got to get a hit sometimes.

You know, like a broken clock is right twice a day. Right. So that's, when that keeps building up, it leads to those feelings of abandonment, unwantedness, you know, things like that. And I lash out because I think they're, they're leading me. You know, I have that fear of being, you know, left behind. Right. Well, you know, it went.

Yeah. That's why it happens. Right. But that's another one of those chicken and the egg thing, because I feel like if I had your friends on the, conversation, their side of the story would be... Oh, that would be totally different. Yeah, we listen to him all the time.

This is always happening. He probably never has the time to listen to me. You know, because a lot of times when you have so much stuff that you're dealing with like somebody like you, because I have friends like that now. And it's very hard to get out of yourself. So it's always me, me, me, me, my problems, all my drama. You know, so it's always the attention there and it can. And if it's always the same thing, it can get exhausting for somebody else.

and a lot of times those people or have a, it's hard for them to sort of be there for other people. So it's not so much of an even exchange. Yeah, I agree. And I believe it. And I always tell people too. There's always two sides of the stories. Mine bears and the truth. Three sides.

Mine bears and the truth. But in situations like that, it's their stories is theirs and yours is yours. What you need to do, Zane, and I'm just going to tell you this. And I love this podcast because it's not so much about Panios and you could come back on and we'll do a whole panio section. We'll do some things. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. But this is an interesting one. And what I mean, I personally think, listen, if you take a hit of a vape and you lose your

boundaries because of issues that you had when you were younger, you probably should not fucking vape. And just really to get it, your life together, if you want to have the things that you deserve in life that other people have, like you have to, you know, like I said, let go of that girl, stop doing any kinds of stuff in your body that, you know, take you outside of yourself, right? Like, you know, whether it's alcohol, drugs, you know, it's probably a good thing to just go clean, sober, figure out who you are, try to stand, get your feet on the ground that way. That's the most powerful thing that changed me was becoming sober, 100% sober. And the changes

that come from that after years and years and years and years and years. And, you know, years are just you can't even believe but it takes a it takes time you know you could one year in feel amazing and then but 10 years 15 years you're like oh my god it's even more so but i think for you to start conquering yourself i think you should probably not do any of that kind of stuff start talking about letting go of everything and creating all new stuff you're going to have a new job coming up like i feel like there's a big change for you may be happening and that's a good thing Chris, I believe that. You're right.

I believe that. You know, I relied on the crutch of medicinal marijuana for my anxiety, but I've thought about the things you just said. So it's not completely foreign or. I always had. I have to let you know. I mean, I had lots of anxiety, panic attacks. I live with all that stuff all my life. And, you know, I don't take anything for it.

Never haven't. Haven't had any of that stuff for so many years. And it's because, and listen, let me tell you something. There's a wonderful woman. sure you know of her that Weeks is her last name. Claire Weeks, I think is her name. She's an anxiety expert. You know, she's one of those that you could read her books. And like for me, because I never want to take anything, I would just like listen to her if I went on a plane because they tell them, like the minute they would say the door's closing on the plane, I get very claustrophobic.

Well, clustrophobia. It wasn't about dying in the plane crash. It was more about being locked in the fucking tube. Being locked in a fucking cigar tube between. Yeah. And then being stuck on the tarmac. I would fucking flip out. But the whole point is that when you tell yourself, You know, every time you have anxiety and you pick up a vape pen and you smoke it to make yourself calm down, all you're doing is telling yourself and perpetuating the belief inside of yourself that you need that. And so you're creating this vicious cycle that will never be done until you next time go to something. You get anxious and you say, you know what? It's just a fucking feeling.

It doesn't mean anything. And you keep walking forward. and you don't take that bait pen and you don't do anything to get away from it, that eventually you start to build this thing that says, oh, and this belief that becomes stronger in you, that you can handle it and that you're okay and that you don't need something to deal with your anxiety.

And that eventually happens by learning that it is just a feeling and instead of running away from it, not being afraid of it and starting to realize that you could just get that thought. Because what happens is you get a feeling, it's anxiety. It's a physical thing that is actually happening, but then your brain takes it to a whole other fucking level, right? Because you get anxious about feeling anxious.

And then you're overthinking and then you turns into a full-blown attack and you feel like you're going to go crazy or die or whatever, you know. But what happens? And she's really good to read her stuff because she talks all about this. But if you stop, you know, helping yourself with it, if you can, with these outside drugs, I don't know if you take stuff from your psychiatrist or therapist, whatever. That's a different thing. But the other stuff,

you know, which does not fare well. I don't know how people that are on fucking Xanax, Adderall, I know so many people that are on that shit and then they're drinking and doing drugs on top of it. It's like, how do you think that shit's going to do its job? Like, you got to stay clean, you know? You really shouldn't be doing anything else on top of it. If you really want to stay steady,

keep the drama out of your life, no more getting fired from your jobs, and have a new girl in your life that you can have a real relationship with and have real intimacy and sex with somebody for the first time in your life, like being, you know, intimate sex. That means something.

Yeah. Yeah. Don't you want that? If you were on your deathbed, you know, what do you want to like, what, like, what, like, that's how I look at things. Because listen, you're just going to fucking die, you know, and you got to think, like, what would my regrets be? And start focusing on not having those regrets then, because we don't know when that

time ends. But now it seems like you're in a new beginning. And I always believe that everything does happen for a reason. Like, you just wanted to call into my show. you wanted to talk about panty hose, but it came into this kind of conversation instead. And, you know, maybe it's because you're ready for this or needed it. You know, you're the one that, you're the one that found, you know, you're the one that emailed me. I believe that this is created on your end and for you, for where you're at.

So I believe that you needed this conversation more than to just talk about your panty host stuff. So I hope that you take something out of it. And when you hear it back, it's going to be even more beneficial. for you. It's like a therapy session that you hear. When you hear yourself outside of yourself, you're going to have a different perspective. I've had people email me all the time. Like, why doesn't my therapist do this? Because listening back to something like this as a third person outside of yourself really is a very different way of looking at things. And maybe there'll be more light bulbs. Or even if there's one light bulb that goes off for you, it really is helpful. Because I want you to have more things in

your life. I really feel like you're selling yourself short. I've been there. I understand. I understand. that it took me 46 years to have a fucking baby where normal people could just go out and get pregnant in two seconds. You know what I mean? A lot of things that come very easily to other people have come very difficult to me and have been very, but that's just the way that it is. You know, you're dealt the cards that you're dealt with, but you got to, I believe in life, like, write those wrongs, you know what I mean, and take it back for yourself. And I don't care that you're fucking bipolar, that you fucking, you know, there's medication for that. I don't care that you want to put on pantyhose. There's women that would accept.

that you know what I care about is that you've never had a woman in your life either you don't have never have had sex with someone without paying for it you know and you deserve those things like everybody else so you know and start working towards that all I can say is is I'll keep coming back because it works if I work it so right I'm not giving up right not giving up and I appreciate that but give up on that girl and you know just yeah I'll give up on yeah I understand that all right thing Thank you so much for calling in. If we wanted, like, if you want to call in again to do a whole Panneos separate, so we get more into that, it's totally fine. I like this.

Listen, your Panningos episode would take way longer to air on my regular channel because I have so many tape during. I can't post a Panicose episode all the time. This episode is so fascinating because it's about all this other stuff that you'll be aired a lot sooner because it's a different topic. And it's, I think a lot of people, listen, you're not alone. If I can relate to you, a lot of people can. Tons of people. I hope somebody out there listening find some identification.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, and a lot of times what happens is when people are on my show, people email me and say, I want to get in touch because I'm the same way, and I put people together behind the scenes and people talk, and there's a lot of change and stuff

and growth happening in that way as well. So maybe you'll get people that'll write in that I'll want to talk to you and give you help or, you know, for whatever. So we'll see, and I'll keep you posted when it's going to air. And thanks so much for calling in. And if you want to just do a fanny hose thing and I'll put it on my Patreon or something, like, you know, just use that link to sign up for another time.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Thanks so much. Bye. Bye. Bye. Okay.

I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly anonymous confession, secret sex lies of total strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out until August 25th. you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotic. book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really

like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. Chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audio book is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you've buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other, and that's what you get to do there. You could post your

own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. and I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the strictly anonymous podcast.