Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 636 - Why Women's Sex Drive Goes Down and How to Get it Back Up with Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith

Episode Date: May 19, 2023

Attachment specialist, Adam Lane Smith called in to talk all about why women’s sex drive goes down and how to get it back up. When do female sex drive problems show up? Why do they show up? And, what can you do about it? Tune in to hear all the details including how intimacy issues are attached to attachment issues, the classic signs that there is an issue to begin with, how men can open up to women without looking weak, how and why opening up will get a woman’s sex drive back up, how oxytocin plays a role and what to do about it, how avoidant and anxious attachments are created, the anxious and avoidant dance, how and why having kids negatively effects a woman’s sex drive, the four steps a man can use to be open to wife without feeling pathetic, how and why the solution focused approach works, what specifically you can ask women for that will make her hornier, why a lot of therapists don’t deal with attachment issues and why they should, why people sabotage and how they can stop it, how the belief that you’re not good enough makes people sabotage inn every area of their lives and how to stop it plus a whole lot more. For 50% off Adam's Attachment Bootcamp use code: KATHY7729 here: https://adam-smith.mykajabi.com/a/2147518127/iwmiGD4K **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Strictly anonymous podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Santa Port or Thailand. You can't not do it.

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my number is, or the hotline number is 347, 4203579. That's 347, 4203579. That number is also on my website. All the links to everything is in the description. If you want to talk to me on the DL, I forgot about talking about this for the past couple episodes, but I do offer like private calls where people call in anonymously. You could call me from a fake number, give me a fake name. But I don't I don't air those episodes. If you want to talk off air about a secret naughty life that you have and you can't talk to anyone else about it and you want to get it off your chest. I offer that kind of consulting thing. I don't know what you want to call it.

Unprofessional therapy, non-professional therapy. I offer that. The link is in the description. It's $45 minutes. $100 for 45 minutes. I love those calls. Typically people are calling in because they're cheating and they have no one to talk to or they're in like a sexless marriage and they have no one to talk to about it. That's what this episode's about, how to get out of your sexless marriage. But anyway, if you want to do that, it's in the description. I mentioned my Patreon. All the anonymous confessions were over there, as well as all the picks of my past guests. Mostly every single female that has been on my show has like hot picks over on my Patreon. Some guys are sending them into. You get early and ad-free episodes over there. I do Q&As every

month where you get to ask me questions, as well as you get access to my Discord channel. Now, Discord is now a place. I just started it. But it's a place where like after people come on my call, the people, I mean, after listeners, I mean, no, after callers call into my show, I tell them that they could go on to Discord and show like X rated content. I don't do anything X rated on my Patreon. I don't post any of that stuff. But people are always emailing me that stuff after their episodes were aired. And I'm like, where can I put that stuff? So all of that stuff is now going on on my Discord channel. The people who are on my show go on there. They post whatever they want. Listeners of my show who are also members of my Patreon are also posting things. So there's all kinds of naughty, more X-rated stuff going on my Discord channel. You get access to that as well. If you sign my Patreon, I sign up for my Patreon. It's only $5 a month.

You could cancel at any time. You could cancel, come back. Doesn't matter to me. I welcome everybody. It's totally cool. It's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. That's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous. anonymous podcast. Now, today I have on Dr. Adam Lane Smith. Now, Dr. Adam Lane Smith is a licensed

psychotherapist, and he's an attachment specialist. Now, I believe a lot in attachment theories, anxious, avoidant attachment styles. I don't know if you've read up on that shit, but it's super interesting. And it's something, and it's very common, actually. When you hear him describe these different attachment styles, you're going to be like, if you've never heard of them, you might be like, oh, that's exactly what I am. And it's playing out right in front of my face and it's so fucking dysfunctional. And it can wreak havoc on your sex life. And that's what Dr. Adam Lane Smith focuses in on this episode. He talks about how changing your attachment style with your partner can change your sex life. Okay. You could go from your wife never wanting to bang you to your wife

chasing you around the house trying to bang you. And it all comes down to the way you communicate. He gives a lot of information. He starts off talking about the female sex drive and why that sex drive could go from 100 to zero, not zero to 100. From 100, everything's all good. And then all of a sudden, a year later, two years later, 10 years later, your girl just isn't interested in you anymore. How come? He's here to tell you why. And he does believe. it comes down to attachment issues. And he talks about how to change the game. He's got four specific tips that are going to help you change your attachment style with your partner.

And these attachment issues could wreak havoc in every area of your life. We're talking a little bit specifically here on this episode about relationships. But, you know, attachment issues and issues like this that he's talking about it could cause problems everywhere. We do also get into sabotage and how that comes into play. But mostly we talk about how guys can open up to their partners without looking pathetic. Okay. And if you do it the way he says you're going to do it, it's going to make your girl hornyer for him.

Okay. Hornier for you. Okay. If I needed some help, this is the type of therapist. I would want. There's a lot of people out there that don't know what the fuck they're talking about, but he does know what the fuck he's talking about. And like I said, you're going to get it when you hear him speak.

This is not an infomercial. He's going to give you a lot of real life great tips. You're going to learn a lot about yourself or maybe your partner. He does offer like an attachment boot camp. He's giving 10% off to listeners of my show. the link to that 10% off attachment boot camp is in the description. But on this episode, he does give you a lot of tips on how to fix your relationship, how to stop sabotaging, how to communicate, and how to change your bad patterns.

And ultimately, it all comes down to making your relationship better, which will then make your partner want you more. make sense. I don't know if I'm making sense on this intro. He makes sense. He's the smart one. He talks more in this episode than I do. I love this kind of stuff because I always loved therapy and I love psychoanalyzing everything. So I find this episode super interesting. I think you will too. So I'm going to be right back on with Dr. Adam Lane Smith. Hi, Adam Lane Smith. Welcome to the strictly anonymous podcast. How are you today? I'm doing great.

Thank you for having me here. Now listen, Adam, I am typically talking to a total stranger about their secret naughty lives. But every now and then I do like to have an expert on because I like to talk, you know, especially someone who is an expert in the field that I'm typically speaking on, which is relationships and sex and all that kind of stuff. You are a licensed psychotherapist, correct? And you're an attachment specialist. Is that correct?

Could you just like introduce yourself? Absolutely. So I'm Adam Lane Smith. I was a licensed psychotherapist for many years, and now I specialize into attachment and coaching. I help people fix their childhood issues that are now screwing up their marriage, screwing up their dating, they can't get a boyfriend, or they have too many boyfriends, or their girlfriend leaves them and they don't know why. I help nice guys. I help sexless marriages. I help people who are miserable and don't know why, and it all goes back to those childhood relationships. Okay, so let's talk to the people who call my show who are in sexless marriages. I have a lot of people who have lost that connection a long time ago.

Some of them are cheating. Some of them are miserable. Some of them want to leave. What do you say to those people? What's behind that? And what can you say that could help them? Let me tell you something horrible. It is very true that a lot of your audience is probably used to.

The female sex drive falls off a cliff at about one year if you get it wrong. The female sex drive is the test to tell you if the two of you are actually emotionally bonded or not. It is a wonderful thing. And if you screw things up, then her sex drive falls right to the toilet at about 12 months. And if he is avoiding, if he's not bonding properly, if he's running away from relationships, at about one year he will find an excuse to start treating you like crap or pulling away or running away. and that especially will hurry up her bad sex drive. A lot of women are puzzled and confused about why their sex drive is diminishing.

She's been hot the whole first year. It doesn't know why. He's wondering where it is. He starts whining and complaining. I get so many husbands who just want to gripe about how their wife won't have sex with them. Well, yes, because you're complaining about her all the time. But mostly, if you're having a female sex drive problem, almost every single time that I see, it is usually back to an attachment issue.

Either she has attachment issues and she is not. able to bond with him and feel safe in the relationship, or he has an attachment issue, and he is giving her no emotional intimacy at all. Yeah. And yeah, if you treat her that way, she's not ever going to feel safe enough to have sex with you. One year, I'm telling you, 12 months, that marks the category where she switches from short-term bonding mode to long-term bonding mode, and it's all down to how he's treating her. If you can fix that, great. If you don't, you're dead. What is the attachment issues like I feed? It's the woman or the wife that just doesn't want to have sex with you anymore. What are the signs?

Yeah, here's what I look for. I look for she kind of wants to, but she's starting to ask him to hold her hand more. She's starting to say things like, why don't we go on dates anymore? She's wondering how he feels on the inside. She feels like she tries to help him and he pushes her aside. When the problem comes up, he's not working with her. He solves it and shoves her out of the way. He doesn't tell her what he's thinking or feeling.

She's always wondering. She starts getting insecure. She starts wondering if he's going to break up with her. She starts wondering if they're going to head in a new direction or get married or ever. But he's thinking she has no idea where he's at. And she doesn't feel useful to him or secure in the relationship. She might have crushing insecurity herself and feel like I have nothing to offer except my body. And he doesn't want me for anything else.

Then she feels like a lump of meat. But overall, what starts to happen is anxious women tend to, unfortunately, connect with emotionally unavailable guys who don't know how to build intimacy. And the guys are sitting there going, hey, why is your sex drug going down? We're just doing what we've always done. I've never opened up to you. Why is it a problem now? And the guys, I get all guys into my coaching practice. Then I say, hey, you got to open up to your wife.

And he says, I don't want to look pathetic. I'm not going to open up. I'm not going to cry. And they think that being pathetic is what she wants from them. It's not. There's a special way to open up. I can teach you that if you ever want to. There's a specific way, though, that guys have to open up to the woman,

or she's going to say, I don't feel close to you, so I don't trust you. So I feel like you're going to abandon me. So of course her sex. is going to go down. If the guys can give that intimacy, her sex drive's going to go up. There's a special hormone called oxytocin that when he bonds with her and feels close to her and she feels close to him, she releases oxytocin. It is like a shot of adrenaline in the neck.

That is your aphrodisiac. You go way up on your sex drive. She's going to be climbing you like a tree. She's going to be chasing you around the house trying to get some off of you. If her oxytocin is high, it is either high or low and you have to determine that. You guys out there, anyone listen, and you have to determine that by giving you. her emotional intimacy or you're screwing yourself literally you said you mentioned the words avoid in and anxious why don't you explain those two kinds of attachments and how that dance

works because i think it's very typical unfortunately that the anxious it's the avoided and they get together and there's a fucking dance that goes on and you're going to describe it and people are going to be like oh my god he's like describing my relationship so in childhood your parents teach you a couple of things. They're supposed to teach you that when you have needs, you just go and ask and say, hi, can I get this? Can you help me with this? I'm having a problem. Here's a challenge. Or if you make a mistake, your parents will say, hey, you made a mistake. You didn't understand. Let me teach you. Your parents are supposed to guide you through feeling secure and safe so that you aren't on edge all the time and you're not constantly trying to be perfect and walk on eggshells.

If your parents teach you, unfortunately, instead that you have to tiptoe around. You have to be perfect. You have to earn approval. You have to be careful. Other people are going to betray you. They're going to abandon you. They're going to criticize you. You can break your attachment in one of two different ways. One is anxious attachment. You turn inward. A lot more women have this than men, but this is the nice guy syndrome. This is also the people pleaser syndrome, right? The disease to please. There is something wrong with me that everyone else can see. No one will ever love me. They will abandon me if they see it. I'm an imposter. And I have to earn approval from other people or they will leave me behind. A lot of women have this in relationships and they will do anything

to get approval so that they won't be left behind because they feel like they just have to be grateful that he's giving them their attention. Guys, a lot more guys get avoidant behavior. It's the other direction of there's something wrong with everybody else. I am the best person. I'm the most moral person. I'm the only one that cares about doing right. Everyone else is crazy. Everyone else is going to do hurtful things. Everyone else will betray me if I open up and show them I am. So I should never open up because it's a trap. I will always make decisions alone and I will manage other people. This is where you get a lot of covert narcissists. You get gaslighting. You get all that love bombing everything is the avoidance side. There's, there's a sliding spectrum of

nervous types and manipulative types. There's good and bad over there. But the avoidance side is you are the problem. I have to manage you. And they will give you good feelings in the first six to seven months. is why the first six or seven months of a relationship are fake. First six or seven months, they give you good feelings until they get exhausted. And they don't. And they say, okay, now you should be taking care of me. And he'll pull back. And then she will chase him and say, I want more good feelings because you get oxytocin

addiction. You didn't get oxytocin as a kid. You're now addicted to it because you crave it. It's like an opium. And you chase him and he withdraws. And you chase even harder. And he withdraws. And every time he pulls away, it activates your addiction.

and you freak out and chase him and he's desperate for space, that's the anxious and avoidant dance right there. Yeah, but let me tell you what happens too. No, I'm going to tell you what happens because I've been in this dance many times. You forgot about the way and the anxious starts to actually pull away from the void. The avoiding comes back. They don't want to let you go. Oh, yes.

I mean, that's the sickness and that's where they give you that up and down thing, right? Because they're as weak as the other one. I mean, I feel like it's a different side of the same coin. I mean, it always seems like the avoidant is holding more of the power. and they do in some way, but if you really look at both people, I feel like they're both kind of suffering and are on the same level, you know?

Right? They are. They are. I work with just as many avoidant people as anxious people. Yeah. It's easy to demonize the avoidant people because they look like the aggressors. Yeah.

But they are just as hurt and just as scared. And they look at anxious people as like overwhelming problems who chase them and demand from them. Yeah. And they feel like they are the victims with these anxious people obsessing over them. So yes,

It's this endless dance, and that is where you get men and women completely crumbling. So I was a licensed marriage and family therapist for years. The biggest cause of divorce I saw was wives and husbands doing this dance until she has kids. And then she releases a ton of oxytocin through birth, through breastfeeding. She begins halfway fixing her attachment and says, well, I don't want to do this dance anymore. I love my children. I want to take care of them. And then she sees her kids becoming anxious and nervous, not knowing what to do.

do and she blames the father and says you need to change and be more loving and more emotionally available and more connected and the avoidant guy over there saying what the hell is your problem i have never i haven't changed i'm the same as i ever have why are you treating me like i am a bad guy and she becomes hyper aggressive against him treats him like a threat to the kids they start alienating everybody it becomes this giant fight and he is confused about what is happening and it cracks the family in part This is where marriage has fall apart. 10, 15, 20 years. Totally.

Completely destroys the family. That's the dynamic. She halfway healed and then blamed him for everything. And he never actually opened up or connected and bonded with anybody. When you fix the attachment in that situation, it fixes the entire family. He can bond with the kids. He can decrease the stress threshold, the fear, the blame. She sees him as a good father and a good asset to the family.

Her defenses go down. Then he and she can bond. I always tell guys, Don't bond with your wife first. Bond with the kids because every defense will be up against you. But when you fix it with the kids, she will adore you. Wow. See, this is why I believe so much in therapy.

And I always tell people like, you know, you're going to get something from a therapist that you're never going to get from anybody else. Like what you just said was so brilliant to me. Because typically a lot of times you hear like the relationship went bad after the kids, you know. And I think most people think, oh, it's because the wife then is just tending to the kids. she's juggling so much. It's, you know, but what you just said makes so much sense. It's not just that, it's that deeper thing that's going on.

Because as somebody who had an anxious attachment style and have my own issues, I had a child. I had a child on my own, right? But it is very healing for the anxious person to have that unconditional love and everything. I mean, it does change the game on some level. So it was so interesting that you said she heals a little bit and now she's over there, but she's still projecting a little bit back onto the guy and there and, lies the dance still remains and almost just gets worse right with the kids almost that's it it does because

with attachment it's not that attachment is the magic thing that fixes everything but attachment is the foundation that everything else is built on because it's your ability to trust and connect with other humans when you fix the attachment all of a sudden you start building more skills where you can open up and say hey babe i am so exhausted could you please take over with the child right i've been married 14 years and i got four kids with my wife. When she is exhausted, if she had broken attachment, she would just knuckle under and just deal with it anyway and never ask for help. Instead, she could say, babe, I'm at the end of my rope. I'm exhausted. Can you please take the kids? I got to go take a nap for two hours. I say, oh yeah, I'll take care of you. And I do. I take care of it. If we need to have sex,

and it's been a couple of days, one of us will call the other one and say, hey, it's been a few days. Let's have sex. Instead of me, for example, like so many guys do, all right, how am I going to get her to have sex with me? Well, I'm going to go to the dishes. And then I'm going to buy her some flowers. And then I'm going to do this. And then I'm going to do this. And then she will be so grateful she will reward me with sex. And there she is having no idea. That's what I'm trying to weasel out of her. She takes the gifts and says, thank you. And then she has no connection to me. So she doesn't feel aroused at all. So she doesn't try to reward me with sex. And then I get angry and resentful and bitter over the years because I'm not getting the sex I think I deserve.

That's a lot of guys right there in sexless marriages. If they can just man up and say, hey, this is happening. I'm anxiety. I have this need. When can we please have more sex? more often. Can we do it three, four times a week? The wife will usually say, if she has good attachment, hey, you know what? I would love to do it with you three or four times a week. But first, I'm going to need to feel closer to you. I'm going to need a little bit more dates, more talking. I need to be connected with you. He's going to say, how do I do that? And then she needs to be able to say, it's this, this, this. These are the things that make me feel safe, right? We have these talks. We have these conversations. I have, if you want me to, I can go into a whole thing I teach

men of how to be open to your wife without feeling pathetic. If you guys can do that, that will fix the marriage and then she will be like I said she'll chase you it's hard to shake her it's hard to fire off with a stick but that's it you've got to build that connection and you have to fix the attachment so then you can use all the skills that will fix the marriage that's how it must be how does the guy be more open without being pathetic so here i'm going to tell you this here's i teach guys this is my coaching i'm going to tell you right now um okay it's a four step method right four steps number one the guy has to have a problem in his life any problem any challenge she's facing. It's a relationship-based. Great. The male brain goes backwards to observe and

forward to act upon. So we have, we very, you've noticed, you've probably noticed this. Men are laser-like. We miss everything else except what we're thinking about. So I will think of a problem in my life. And then I think of a solution. And then I run out and do it. The solution goes a little bit sideways on me because I didn't figure out the other pieces of the solution was going to screw up. So I have learned, go to my wife. The female brain observes in the back, then goes back and forth across the hemisphere multiple times, both hemispheres, and then acts upon it. Right. So she observes women don't like to make decisions, but they love to analyze decisions to optimize them.

So male, female brains are meant to work together collaboratively. So men, pick a problem you have in your life, right? Hey, man, there's this guy at work. He's stressing the crap out of me. I don't know what to do about it. I'm going to figure this out. Okay? You go to your wife.

You say, hey, sweetheart, can I get your feedback on something? There's a challenge I'm going through right now. This is like crack to women. Yeah, yeah. She's going to say, yes, please, share your feelings with me. She's like she'll pull out a bucket of popcorn and start eating it. And then you say, you share the problem. Hey, there's this guy at work.

He's stressing me out. He's always disrespectful. He's late. And it's frustrating. And I'm not the boss. I can't fire him, but I'm dealing with this frustration at work. Then number two, you share the feeling the problem is making you have. This makes you relatable.

It also helps her understand and predict how your brain works. Women need to know how your mind works and how you make decisions so they can predict it in advance and then calm down and relax. knowing that you are not about to blow up on them, abandon them, women like predictability in this way. So you share the problem, share the feeling you're having about the problem. Number three, you share the solution, you are planning to apply to it. Most guys at this point, record scratch, they stop and say, wait a minute, why would I talk to my wife? If I already have a solution, I should just go do the solution.

This is where most guys refuse to ever speak to their wife about problems right here. You share the solution because you are going to get her feedback on that solution. and have her brain that goes back and forth and tracks third level consequences to analyze your solution. So here's what you do. Hey, babe, can I get your feedback on something? I got this guy at work who's frustrating me. He's stressing me out. He's disrespectful.

It's always a problem, but I can't do anything about it because I'm not the boss. I need to find another solution. And I'm really frustrated. It's bothering me. It makes me feel like I just want to leave and get a new job. So what I think I'm going to do about it is I'm just going to hit him in the head with a brick. I'm going to take a brick. I'm going to hit him.

And that will solve the problem. and it will all be completely done. This is the best male solution I've ever come up within my life. Step three, ask her for her feedback. You don't say, should I do that? You don't make it her decision. You say, before I do that, can you see anything I'm missing? What are you thinking?

What are your insights on the solution that I proposed? Do you think this is helpful? Do you think there's something else that I could do? What are you thinking on this? You elicit her feedback. She's going to say, hmm, well, you could hit him in the head with a brick, and that would solve the problem immediately. but here's these other relationships that will be impacted by it. Here's this point over here.

Here's this point over here. My wife is brilliant about doing this. Her brain picks out details on other relationships. I didn't even stop to think about it. And the guy is going to go, how the heck did you think about it? She's going to say, well, how did you not think about this? And her brain will pick it apart for you.

Guys, you take this. You say, thank you. I appreciate your feedback. I'm going to think about that. I'm going to change my solution a bit. I will come back and let you know how it goes. A week or two goes by. You come back and you give her feedback and say, thank you.

Thank you for your feedback. Here is what I did and here is how your feedback helped my life. Now here's what you have done. Females communicate to share information, to bond, to show trust, to collaborate, to connect with each other. Males only communicate to find solutions or apply solutions, right? We grunt. We say you go over there and kill that mammoth. And that's it. Yeah. If there's not a problem, we don't communicate. If you don't communicate though with a woman, that is the problem. Yeah. communicating. So you go to your wife or your girlfriend, whoever it is, and you say, I trust you. This is what you're saying. I trust you. I value you. I respect you. I want your insight. I think that your mind is incredibly helpful. And I value the wisdom that you give me. So as she gets

older, she is training beauty and youth for wisdom and experience, understanding you, predicting you, helping you, assisting you, she becomes overwhelmingly valuable in your life, in fact, irreplaceable. So when you're both 40 or 50, and she looks and there's a 20-year-old blonde that walks by, she knows that woman is not a threat to her because no woman on earth could ever replace her in your life because you value her wisdom and her insights so highly. This is why opening up to your wife in this way with a solution-focused approach. You're not pathetic. You're solving problems.

But when you open up to her like this, you are paying her the highest respect and helping her feel safe and secure. This is why her sex drive goes through the roof. And when you do this consistently because you are valuing and respecting her and showing her that she improves in value every year instead of decreasing value every year. FK, I will turn that over to you. You tell me if I am right or wrong on that one from the woman's perspective. Well, this is what I'm going to say. You said a word in there that I feel like men are fucking cringe and they just don't like to say it. And it's the H word.

It's help, okay? And I think that's why you say, like, this is the way that a man cannot, you not feel pathetic. Like, I mean, I think that men are so afraid of asking for help or they don't even think that they need help. Like, do you sort of pitch it in a way for guys to do this out? Like, does it start at first if they're just doing it because they know that eventually this will get them more sex?

And then eventually they realize that actually my wife does have some good ideas and it is very helpful to me. I mean, because I feel like a lot of guys are not, they don't even, they don't even know that they need help or they can't really, like how do they, they don't even want to cop to it. Do you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. Most guys look at me sideways like I've grown a third eye and they say, why would I ask my wife's opinion on my problems? If I already have a solution, why would I slow down the process? And I say, bro, you're having sex once a month.

How would you like to have sex three times a week? Right. I mean, that's what it comes down to. Like, you're going to do this. It is. do it because at the end of the day, you're going to get fucked more, right? But eventually probably what happens with those guys is they do realize that actually

talking things out and having quote unquote help from your wife, like maybe you're going to find some valuable information there that they didn't even realize was there because I think that actually men, because they don't get to talk like women and they don't get to communicate and they don't get to ask for help and they don't have anyone. I think that's why men have a lot more issues and are a lot more aggressive and have a lot more certain kinds of problems because of it. So it's only going to help them, right?

This bonding right here releases two hormones for men specifically. Yeah. Number one is oxytocin because they open up about problems and you accept them and you don't spit on them or set them on fire for being weak, which is there. The internet is aflame with stories of if you ever tell your wife a problem, she will leave you and sleep with the mailman on the way out. Exactly. She'll be having a furze right on your front lawn.

right if you ever trust your wife once uh no this this opens up the trusting and bonding for him with oxytocin but there's another hormone that women don't know about most people don't it's called vasopressin men bond with vasopressin best because it's the stress resolving hormone you fix a problem you bond through vasopressin this is the military knows this yeah yeah the guys charge up the hill they take the hill they dump vasopress in their system and it says we solve problems together we are a powerful team i want you in my life and now i'm I'm going to open up and prioritize emotional bonding with you. Vasopressin first, oxytocin second, solving problems together.

He will feel incredible after doing this bonding practice with you multiple times. He's going to value you. He's going to sing your praises. And he's going to say, it's amazing how my wife can share these things with me. I run everything by her now, not because she's my mom, but because she is that I help her, and she gives me the best insight and prevents me from walking off a cliff. It's amazing how guys start off saying, well, I don't really want to hear what she has to say. but I just want to have more sex.

And a couple of weeks later, after they've done this two or three times, they say, man, my decision, everything's getting easier. She's loving me. I'm feeling better with her. I feel connected to her and all my things are improving. I didn't even think about these solutions. And then all of a sudden, yes, you are in a marriage. You have a loving wife.

It's amazing how that difference happens. Yes, that's the process. But yeah, you got to get guys hooked in with sex. Usually is how this has to start. Right. But I mean, no woman on any planet would ever look at their guy as weak. if they came to them with a problem. I mean, that's what we're always hoping for.

We want to be there for our guys. We don't look at things like that, and I think it's just a projection on men because that's how they feel. But we don't feel that way. We're allowed to ask for help. We're allowed to be vulnerable. That's actually better for us as women.

The biggest problem in that scenario of what you're trying to get to is to change the guy into realizing that that's something he should do. It's never going to be the woman on the receiving end. She's going to love that you come to her for that. That's like the hottest thing. It's like catnip. Women can't get enough of it.

When I do this, the wife usually comes in the coaching to thank me for making him do this because this one change improves marriages so tremendously. The hardest part is that guys have this idea that the only way to open up is to ask her to solve his problems for him. Hi, sweetie. Here's a problem. I'm so pathetic. I can't fix it myself.

Please tell me what to do. That's what guys think. And then they say, well, then she's going to feel. like my mom and then she will abandon me. Well, yeah, if you make the decision her problem every single time and she feels like your mom, yeah. Yeah. But the problem I think, the way I just laid it out, no, you go to her with a problem, you state your

feeling and then you bring the solution and then just ask for feedback on the solution. Don't make her your mom, make her your advisor and say, right, oh, wise advisor. Tell me about the solution I have come up with. And if it's not good, I will go back to the drawing board and figure out a new solution. but please help me analyze this to make sure it's actually the best. Men have no problem doing this in a boardroom meeting. They have no problem doing this on a team. Make her your team instead of making her your mom.

There is a happy medium. It's not all or nothing. Right. And that's why, though, that's why people like you do what you do because this is where you do need a specialist kind of helping you because it is very specific. You pitch it one way. You're going to have one reaction. If you do it this way, you're going to have a very different one.

You study this for a living. So you know the difference between the female brain and the male brain and, you know, how to sort of put it out there so that the woman doesn't see you as weak and how to get the man to do it in the right way. And that's why someone needs your help. I mean, what you have courses and stuff that you give, you do coaching, like, are you in private practice? How do people find all this information? We're going to go back to more stuff. I think you're a brilliant genius. I love this stuff.

Like, you don't know. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. So I retired from private practice with therapy so that I can coach internationally. My website is Adam Lane Smith.com, Lane as in road, Adam Lane Smith. I've got coaching. I have a course, the attachment boot camp course on there that fixes your attachment,

either as an individual or as a couple. I have books. I have a million resources on my website. I'm on pretty much every social media platform. I teach and teach and I coach and help everybody figure this out. I had two guys just this week, two different men, me teaching them this intimacy and emotional intimacy. And they both said, why isn't this taught everywhere in the world?

World. And I said, well, two things. Number one, this used to be prior to World War I when a meat grinder took out a chunk, giant chunk of men, and we lost the male to male to male communication of handed down information. We lost that during World War I, during the Great Dustfall, the Great Depression, during World War II, and then the baby boomers and the explosion of social upheaval. We lost the male-to-male transmission of all these teachings that should have improved families and taken care of us. We lost it. Then we got the rise of psychology of social workers and therapists. us trying to help you, but men don't want that. Men want solutions. They don't want to feel better.

That's a whole other conflict. And so I come along and now I'm teaching it. Unfortunately, attachment is not really taught in graduate schools. That's a problem I ran across. It's not taught. They tell us, don't worry about it. It's not important. No attachment. I have led seminars. I've trained healthcare professionals. I travel around and teach people this.

And what I've heard from most, most practitioners in America, in Canada, in Europe. And what I went through in grad school was attachment theory. is only for babies. If you are working with small children, you will have a couple diagnoses of attachment things. Otherwise, in teens, it will always become conduct disorders with theft and drugs and prostitution. That it will always become personality disorders. So you only need to know personality disorders. You don't need to know attachment theory. Don't worry about. This is why most therapists have no idea about attachment theory here in the West. That's why I specialized into it to teach everybody about that. Let the therapist handle the diagnoses. I'm happy to handle

the attachment, but we've got to train more people on it because it's the core of all the other problems we deal with. Yeah, and attachment issues could be being played out whether you're single or in a relationship, right? Just because someone's a void in or anxious doesn't mean that they're never going to find somebody. A lot of times these people could be married for 20 years and it's just playing out in their relationship and wreaking havoc as well as the single person who can't find somebody because they're single. So I'm assuming you also deal with single people. What about like sabotage is a big part of this story, right? Oh, yes. What you've got to do with sabotage. Sabotage generally comes from the belief that you are unworthy of love,

that you're going to screw up, that you are not going to be able to make things happen. So if you do succeed, it makes everything worse because now everyone's expectations will go sky high and you are doomed to fail and you will ruin everything and reveal that you are worthless garbage. So if you succeed, you're doomed. And if you fail, you are also doomed because you'll reveal that you're an imposter. So it's better never to start or it's better to flame out in the middle and be able to have an excuse. Well, I just couldn't do it because of this. I couldn't do it because of that.

I didn't do it. And it's better to sabotage, sabotage, sabotage, even in your relationships at work. All kinds of people are attachment issues. They make less money at work. They never go for the promotion. They never do their own business. They have a million projects they've started,

but they're not even in the middle of. They just bail out two thirds of the third of the way in. They sabotage everywhere in their life because they are terrified of success and terrified of failure at the same time. But you've got to do. Right? Absolutely.

It's across the board, of course. Yes, it is. It's the belief that there's something wrong with you on the inside that everyone else is going to see and it is unworthy and destructive. You must open up to two or three other human beings and say, hey, listen, it's what I call the I'm an anxious person. I'm an anxious person. You may or may not know this about me, but I'm an anxious person. I am always afraid that I am an imposter in my life. I always feel like I'm going to screw up.

I feel like people are going to abandon me and that I'm going to deserve it. And I hate this feeling because it makes me violate my principles. It makes me screw up my goals and sabotage and run away. And I people please and I hate it. And I never want to do it again. So I'm telling you so that if you ever see me acting like this, you can call me on it gently. And I will stop doing it. And also I need to ask you, can you please accept me seeing this?

Am I unlovable or can you accept me as I am? And when the other person says, hey, you know what? I already know this about you. I didn't realize it was this bad. But yes, I accept you. I care about you. We can still be friends. I will help you through this.

You go, oh, how do you get this rush usually of oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, everything, floods your system? And you finally feel accepted by this human being. And when you do this with two or three people, it rewrites that belief in your brain that you are innately unlovable. Because you've opened up your heart, you've shown this person. And if anyone was going to see it, they would see it. And then as you rewrite that relationship and ask for your needs to get met, you open up more, you trust them, you take care of problems, issues come up and then you solve them together. It rewrites that part of your brain that thinks you are human garbage. And that stops the self-sabotage because then you say, I don't want to self-sabotage.

I'm actually okay. I'm actually an okay person. I would like to succeed. I would like to win. And then you start moving forward and you start celebrating with those people because you no longer feel like human garbage. So you ask me about the course. yes, the course walks you through how to fix that. It walks you through bonding with people and everything.

Yes, there is a process of fixing your attachment. You must fix it and that will stop the self-sabotage. That's exactly the process. Right, because sometimes you are an autopilot. But like what you're saying, I think that that makes sense because you're just telling a different story because I think a lot of times people have been told a story and it's pretty powerful one

because it's told by your parents who are the end-all-be-all, right, when you were little. and if you don't rewrite that, it will control your fucking life. Correct. See, when you were a child, you don't remember making the decision, but you made a decision that said, I will never feel this vulnerable

or scared ever again. I will give up everything else necessary to stay safe, but I will never be this exposed ever again. Whether you're anxious or avoidant or the blend of the two, the disorganized style. You say, I will never feel this way ever again.

So you have sacrificed. everything necessary to make sure you stay safe. You are convinced you will die if you don't. That right there is why so many people hate themselves because they break their own rules, their own honor code, their own principles, they violate their goals. They do everything wrong. And lead to a life they don't want to live so that they can stay safe from the perceived danger of being close to someone else who might hurt them or abandonment. That's why people hate themselves. Yeah. And it's sad because it permeates every area of your life. Like you know somebody, like this. It's that person that like is saying every day they want to be in a relationship,

but they never find one. They go on a million dates and they're on every app and they're doing so much work, but they can't get it. Like something's blocking them. There's a commitment issue there. On some level, something else is going on. It's not about getting on more apps. It's about fixing the fucking problem, right? You know, you know what's even worse is when you have attachment issues, you have a worldview that you can never open up to other people. If you have anxious attachment style and you're insecure, you think you just. You just. deserve to be treated like trash. Yeah.

So if a guy comes at you too strongly and securely and starts asking honest, open questions and is doing everything that would lead to a good marriage, you will shut it down out of panic and run away from him. Or if he's not love bombing you enough at the beginning and saturating you with amazing feelings and rushing into the bedroom, then you'll feel like he's not interested because he's slowing back, he's slowing down, he's taking his time, he's going to know you. It'll sound like he doesn't want you. You will default to emotionally unavailable guys who rush you through the process.

process to make you feel good and then they are going to break your heart later over and over and over. Yeah. That's exactly the process. You select out the good people. One hundred percent. And in the bad people who are going to hurt you. It's horrible. That's why so many people with attachment issues cycle through bad relationships for decades until they eventually fix those attachment issues. Then all of a sudden, you realize you've had all these missed opportunities that you never even believed were possible before. But yes, you must fix that. Otherwise, you're going to cycle through people that are just going to break the heart. Yeah, same shit. You know, I used to when I was young, My friend said I was psychotic because like when a really good guy would be like after me and being like super nice, I would see it like as an attack.

I'd be like, can you believe he wants us to go to his house tomorrow? And like my friends would be looking at me like I was a psychopath. But in that moment, I saw it like as an attack when someone was actually nice. But the love bombers and all the other shit, it was great. But there are people with secure attachment style, right? Yes. And those people are super great. Right.

I've been with some secure people who they knew. my shit, I put it out there and they were okay with it because it didn't scare them because they're like, you know, securely attached. That's right. That is the point exactly is you must experience better connection and finally see the truth. And then your brain starts to reprogram and say, whoa. Exactly. It changes that belief.

Yeah. And then you experience better and say, whoa, there's actually people out here who will treat me with love and they actually see who I am and they accept me. Right. This is amazing. I must reprogram myself. to now connect to those people and it recalibrates everything in your life. Everything changes at that point.

Right. And so are you typically talking to the avoidance? Are you typically talking to men? Do you also talk to women? Or is it mostly for men? I do. Oh, no. I work with every human being who comes into me.

I work with them. I don't care what political spectrum they're on. I'll talk to any human being at all. Yeah, yeah. And I will help them fix it. It is all fixable. I want everybody in this world to know if you take an online attachment quiz and it says what your style is, don't believe that that's how you are going to be for the rest of your life.

Yeah. You can become secure. You just have to understand this. Hearing this is number one. So being on podcasts like this, I appreciate you. Okay. Yeah. Thank you.

But hearing about it is step number one. Then you challenge the belief that you never even understood you had made, which was I can never be loved by anybody. Yeah. Then you challenge that. Number two, number three, you picked two to three people in your life to talk to. And you say, hey, I want to open up with you and build a better relationship. Can we be honest with each other?

And number four, you experience that love over time with secure people. It changes you forever. That is the four-step process, guys. Do that and you can make it work. You can build a loving life. It's incredible. Right. And then everything changes.

Yes. You know? Everything. Because then you can just ask for what you want. How easy would it be in a relationship? If you just tell the guy, hey, you know what? I'm feeling kind of lonely and I haven't seen you in a couple of days. Could you just come over and spend some time with me?

And in return, what do you want for me? Like, you know, what do you want? Doesn't have to be a transaction. What do you need on your side, too? Tell me what you need. How can we help? And he says, hey, you know what, that's great. I'd love to spend time with you.

Also, could we, you know, blah, blah, blah. Could we do every? And if you guys get in a stressful moment, hey, babe, I'm really stressed out right now. Could you help me with this? Could you do this? I got to talk to you. If a problem comes up, they tell you immediately right away the first time and say, hey, this is a problem for me.

But you didn't know. Can we fix it? And can you do this for me instead? This would be great. It's everything is 100% clear and on the table. And that's all it is. It's so stress-free. That's what fixing your attachment gives you is a stress-free life.

Right. And do you also talk to couples at the same time? Do you do couples therapy? Oh, yeah. Male, female, couples, whatever, everybody, everybody. I'm on your website and I was just looking like you have something called the attachment circle. What is that? Oh, so that's my private community.

Like I said, when you want to talk to somebody who has secure attachment, I put a bunch of those people in one place. So when people are serious about fixing their attachment, they join my private. private community. It's $50 a month. I do two group teachings every single week. I get together with them. I do group teachings in there. I talk with them about fixing their problems about how to apply this. Last Tuesday, we had one about how your attachment and insecurities impact your finances. Before that on Saturday, it was how to have better discussions and conversations on dates. And then we do triage, people DM me, and then they talk with each other and they experience good attachment with each other and honesty and connection and acceptance. And so, yeah, it's put them all together in one place and let them help each other too.

Yeah, because listen, there's nothing like, you know, in my show, I always, after somebody comes on and talks about something and, you know, I get so many emails like, oh, my God, that helped me so much because I don't feel so alone. You know, I think knowing that there's other people like you out there is always super helpful. How long, so you do two things for $50 a month, people could go on and you have two sessions a week or two sessions a month. What did you say? two group coaching sessions every single week. You're kidding. How long are those coaching sessions? They're about an hour, sometimes about two hours.

Wow. That's a really good deal. My favorite part. That's a really good deal. No, seriously, because like people are going to be paying, you know, typically if they get a really good deal, okay, like the best deal ever, bottom of the barrel price you're going to pay ever for a therapist is $60 a session, right? Maybe you can get that nowadays. But this is for the whole month and you're getting all of that, including like a private online community of other people that you could like wrap to. That's pretty good to you.

Thank you. Yeah. I have people come to me who have been in therapy for 10 years. They have spent $20,000 out of their pocket. Yeah. They have not got much better because they haven't addressed the underlying problems. That's my frustration with therapy. I don't think therapy is useless.

Yeah. But I just don't think it addresses the problems that need to get fixed, especially men. Men go to therapy. Yes. They feel better. Therapists focus on humanistic therapies usually. Focus on making you feel empowered and loved. And men don't want that.

Men want point and click, like paint by the numbers, give me the solution right now so I can go do it. That's what men are looking for. And they usually don't get that in therapy for a variety of reasons. So that's why I love coaching. That's why I love the community. That's why I love all of that. But yet people have spent a fortune trying to get better.

and they're frustrated and burned out, and they don't think there are options. People out there, there are so many options. Please explore your options. Educate yourself on what is out there. You are not alone, and there are so many good people who will be happy to help you.

Yeah, listen, I believe in therapy. I love therapy. I always talk about it on my show. You know, I'm always telling people they need to see a fucking therapist, but what I also say on my show, and it's no different than any other profession, okay, whether you're going to get your hair cut,

whether you're going to get your heart transplant, whether you're going for a therapy or you're going to get your car fixed, you know, there's like 10% of people out there that do their job really fucking good. And then there's 90 people, 90% of people out there that do it really bad, you know? And it's, I'm sorry, but, you know, I think in the world, it's very hard to find a good therapist, okay? I have this, like the last time I found when it took me five dates, I call them, you know? And I could tell them the first time. I tell people it's like going on a. you're going to know the one when you when you find them but i think sometimes unfortunately uh sometimes

people pick people because they just give them what they want you know because sometimes i find one they're just like saying they're complimenting me the whole time and i'm like yeah if i was if i was someone that was like an asshole i might love this therapist and they're just like giving me what i want to hear but that's not what i want the real deal i'm a smart bitch i know a good therapist when i see one and you're a good therapist not easy to find no i could tell just by talking to you like Like you know your shit. And this is, I, like, you believe that it is the foundation for everything, you know, attachment stuff. Like, I, I, I've read so much about it.

I believe in it. I see so much dysfunction out there. I think most people need therapy, at least, you know, a couple times in their life. You don't need it forever, right? But, you know, who can't use a little fucking help? I love that Howard Stern talk so much about him going to therapy because I think he really helped men to be open to it, you know, whenever I have a guy friend that says he's going, I'm like so proud of him because I think still there's a little bit of like a stigma

attached to it with guys. But I just think that men, if anything, need to help more than women. We could call our friends and talk to them about our problems. You know what I mean? Men can't talk to anybody about their fucking problems, you know,

at all. And I love so much of what you said. You're going to be like my, I'm going to have you back on. Sometimes I need like, sometimes I have callers that like I feel like they need a good like therapy session. And I'm like maybe every now and then you come on and talk to someone if they have a specific issue and be like a therapist like that.

Would you do it? That would love that. That would be fun. It would be delightful. Yeah, because a lot of people need it. And a lot of people have, I think, you know, what I'm always going for on my calls when I'm talking to someone if it's a cheater or somebody that's like a sex addict. I'm trying to find like the reasons for it. And I always think that there are these reasons.

And a lot of times they're calling me because they do want help, you know. so maybe every now and then I have you come on and give, you know, the end of the episode, give like a little therapy session and do your thing because I, like I said, I think it's hard to find people that really know their fucking stuff. Not just a hairdresser. That'd be fun. Therapists too. I get you.

Yeah, yeah. So give a shout out again to all your stuff. I know. Are you going to give like my collars like something, some gift that you talked about to me in the beginning? Sure. Absolutely. So I am going to drop you a link.

If you throw the link down in there and below, you'll get 10% off my attachment boot camp course through Kathy K's special link. Check the show notes for that for the attachment course to fix your attachment. Everything available from me is on Adamlain smith.com. I'm also on Instagram at Attachment Adam. I'm on TikTok of At Attachment Bro. I am on YouTube as Adam Lane Smith. I'm pretty much everywhere you want to be. If you Google Adam Lane Smith, you will find me.

Okay, I highly recommend you. Like I said, I could tell a good therapist from a bad one. You know what the fuck you're talking about. I think guys should definitely sign up that need some help. You don't have to use the H word or tell anyone you're doing it. Just to get in touch with Adam. He's going to help you out. You're going to get laid more, okay?

If that's why you start out and that's the only reason why you're doing this, fucking do it. And then what's going to happen is you're going to get a lot more out of it. That's what I believe. I know it. Like you see it all the time, right? And so I think it's great. So go sign up.

I'm going to put the link to your stuff in my description. Thanks so much for coming back on. And I'm going to have you back on again for sure. I would be honored to be back again. Thank you so much for having me here today. All right. Thanks, Adam, Adam Lane Smith. Thank you.

Thanks for calling me. Bye. All right. Goodbye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook.

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all told in the third person and they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person and I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available. in eback format, paperback format, and finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint, okay? There's no way you

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