Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 689 - BONUS EPISODE: Kathy on Getting and Remaining Sober for 20 Years Without AA (Happy National Sobriety Day!)

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

It's National Sober Day! and Kathy is telling her "getting and staying sober" story in the hopes it inspires others. When did she start drinking and how much did she drink? How and why did she quit? And, how has she remained sober for 20 years? Tune in to hear all the details including how she was a black out drinker and how that only got worse over time, the crazy things she did while blacked out and how those things effected her, all the sex and sabotage that came with her drinking, how and why it brought the worst out in her, her bottom and how she felt when she hit it, how she went to AA in the beginning anyhow and why it was important for her then, how and why she stopped aa and how she remained sober without it, the issues that came up the minute she stopped drinking and how she dealt with them, her first year of sobriety and how and why she made so many mistakes, how she eventually realized why she was drinking so much in the first place and what she did to work on herself, how hard it was at first and the one tool she uses to this day to stay sober, how things got easier over time and how becoming sober completely,y changed her life for the better plus a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confesss while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Strictly Anonymous Podcast. Conversations with online strangers. We place ads online. The Craigslist is definitely like the gift that keeps on giving. Real people respond. You go to Singapore or Thailand. You can't not do it.

The temptation is just too much. With real problems. Do your friend know that you're banging her or no? No, he has no idea. And anything goes. The motto of the show, let your freak flag fly. Probably the only good advice I'll ever give you is to rehydrate. whips and chain. Here is your host, Kathy. Hey, welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast with Kathy.

If you want to follow the strictly anonymous podcast on Instagram or Twitter, follow the show at Strict Anonymous. 20 years ago, okay, I'm 20 years sober this year. And I was like, I taped it a while ago, maybe like six months ago. And I was like, when am I going to air it? Should I air it for my 600 600 episode? Because I did a big episode about myself on my 500th episode. But then I like Googled it. Is there a sober day? And there is. And it's today, September 14. So I held on to this episode to air it on National Sober Day.

Okay, this is the day where you celebrate being sober. Now, first, let me just say if you haven't followed my show yet on Instagram or Twitter, follow me at Strict Anonymous. If you want to be on the show, it's called Strictly Anonymous because I change everyone's voices. I didn't change my voice. I should have. I should have made my voice higher a long time ago. I find that when I make women's voices higher, men like them more.

Men love a girl with a fucking high-pitched voice. People like people with higher-pitched voices. I would get away with so much more if I had like a little girly voice. But I don't. I have like the voice that's always attached to a bossy bitch like me. Anyway, I do change everyone's voices. So if you have like a naughty, interesting story that you want to talk about while remaining anonymous, I change your voice, you change your name.

You could call me from an anonymous number. Email me from a fake email. I don't care who you really are. I just want to hear your true story. So if you want to be on the show, send me an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com or go to my website, strictly anonymouspodcast.com and click on be on the show. Now, if you have a confession you want to leave, I have a confession's hotline. You could call that number 24-7. Make sure to be in a quiet place when you call your four minutes, leave a message. If you need longer, just call back. I change all the voices over there. The number's 347, 4203579. All of those anonymous confessions are aired over on my Patreon. There's

hundreds of them over there. My Patreon is super fun now too because besides getting all the anonymous confessions, you see all the naughty picks of all of my female guests that have been on my show. They're all anonymous picks, but you see them. You see their bodies. You also get access to my private Discord. And there's over a thousand people on there. And Discord is a place where you could share whatever you want. So if you want to join that community and get the anonymous confessions and see all the anonymous picks of all of my female guests, like there's hundreds of those too, they're all on my Patreon. It's only $5 a month. You could cancel it anytime. It's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. Now listen, like I said, this is National Sober Day and I really

wanted to share my story. I think it's an important one because I'm a person who has successfully quit drinking for 20 years. It's one of the most powerful things that I ever did for myself. It's one of my favorite things to talk about. I don't do AA and I'm successfully sober without it, but I did use it in the beginning. I talk about why I drank, how much I drank, what I did when I drank, how I sabotage things, what it was really all about. You know, what happened when I quit drinking and how hard it was and all the stuff that I went through emotionally and how I got to the other side and how it changed me for the better in so many ways. I can't even tell you. It's so hard to actually explain to somebody how much getting sober was great for me. I think anyone that sober for a really

long time would say the same thing. And it's just I feel like if you've never gone through it, you don't really understand. But if you're thinking about going through it, because you have your own problem you fucking should because on the other side of getting sober after doing some work it's not easy there is a better life okay and I'm living proof of that because like I said I'm 20 year sober this year it's National Sober Day I'm telling my story I think you'll find it interesting in the beginning I talk about like little stories here and there about how drunk I used to get I was like a fun drunk I do get into what I was doing when I was drinking early on and then how it led to me quitting why I did decide to quit what was my bottom and then what happened afterwards how long it took

what I went through how hard it was and then how it made a difference and it's a happy story it's a full story with a happy ending okay I'm here to say that if you get fucking sober you do the work you will be a happier person I am so anyway I'm going to get right to it and be right back on with my story so listen I need to dedicate this episode to my friend Lee Okay, listen, my friend Lee was my best buddy from high school. He was the fucking best. And he always told me, hey, Kathy, you need to do more episodes about yourself, get more of you in there. He knew I was doing this episode. I did my 500th episode. He was the one that put this in my brain. He was an addict like me. He unfortunately got addicted to fentanyl, which is a fucked up thing to get addicted to because it's hard

to get away from it. And he wound up passing just a couple days ago. I wish I would have sent him this episode to listen because like I said, he always was telling me I should put more episodes like this out. So I dedicated to him. He was the fucking best. The nicest, smartest, coolest, kindest person I knew. I'm going to fucking miss him. Love you Lee. This one's for you. Hi. Listen, I have been wanting to do my sober journey episode for a while, okay? Because I think it's super interesting and it could help others. Talking about addiction and quitting and getting sober is always one of my favorite topics because it's something that I did that changed me for the better and was the most amazing

thing that I did. And of course, I did things a little different, as usual, like always. And that's why I think my story could help people. I know that in the beginning for me when I quit drinking and started out looking for help, I was really concerned that there would be no other women like me, that this was just like a guy thing, okay? Turns out it's not. My story is called sobriety, sex, and sabotage because listen, anytime I got drunk,

I blacked out, fucked a lot of people and sabotaged my whole life. Okay, that was me. There were times, I got to say, after I quit drinking that every now and that I'd be like, maybe, like, why did I quit? Maybe it wasn't that bad, but I could just ask any of my friends and they'd be like, oh, no, you were really fucking horrifying. Not to the point where I was ever like a mean drunk or anything like that, but I definitely wasn't representing who I was. And I think that's something that a lot of times, it really bothers me when people say, oh, what you do and what you say and who you are when you drink is the real you. I would say for addicts, maybe for regular people that's true, but for addicts it's not true.

I think it is like the worst part of you, the part of you that you are pretending to be because you think you're a piece of garbage deep down inside. And so you're just projecting this mess of a person because you don't feel worthy of being who you really are. And that's what I found when I could quit drinking. But you're going to hear the whole story from the beginning. And from the beginning, I mean, listen, I'm going to first explain to you why I quit and what was going down while I was drinking. Like I said, I was a total blackout drinker.

And I never realized that that was like an issue. You know, I always thought I was just more fun than the rest of my friends. Because for me, the party never fucking ended. I was a work, hard, play hard girl. always responsible. So I was very functioning, right? I wasn't like drinking every night and not showing up for work or anything. I'd show up for work, but I'd puke in between phone calls and stuff like that. I'd look like a mess. I would say one of the great things about getting sober when I was like 34. If I see anybody now, they're always like, wow, you look fucking great. I'm like, most people

wouldn't get that. Most people look better when they're 32 than when they're 54. But because I was such a fucking mess. I don't think I put on any makeup. My hair would be ratty. Like, I self-care went out the window. So I actually look 10 times better now because I'm like coherent and like paying attention to myself and taking care of myself. So that was one of the positives about being such a train wreck when I was younger that those people that knew me back then that haven't seen me are always like, oh, you're like fucking great. But anyway, let's get back to my story.

So I was always a blackout drinker. I always thought I was more fun because I was the type of person that like the minute I took that first sip, I was not going home until there was not one drop of alcohol available. Okay. There were times where I would fucking sip people's drinks after the bar closed like the endings of it because I just wanted more. Okay. It was like there's something in me that would click and the minute that alcohol went in there and gave me that incredible high. Okay. Okay. Let me tell me. tell you, I was a fun drunk. Like I said, I was not like a nasty drunk. I was fun. A lot of my friends, even though they knew I had a problem, they loved hanging out with me because I was crazy. But fun crazy, right? So like the minute I drank, I would feel fucking great and I just did not want to stop. There was no stopping. I always felt like my friends who would come out with me that would drink, two drinks and then go home. I was like, what fucking dillards? I just thought I was more fun than them and they were losers. Because I didn't have that ability, but I didn't really

look at it that way then, right? I just, like I said, I just thought I was like super fun and always out for a good time, like live life. You're just going to die one day. I mean, I still have that attitude, but that's really not what I was doing. Okay, back then. I was always drinking to the point of extremes and I couldn't stop myself. I was vodka and anything drinker. And, And I would get one of those drinks. And it wasn't like I like the taste of alcohol, okay? Sorry. I liked like a dirty martini.

That was something I kind of savored. But anything else, I just drink it fucking fast because the reason why I drank was to get drunk. I was not like, oh, let me pair this wine with my pasta and have a great tasting experience. No fucking way. Okay. I never really liked to drink unless I was getting drunk. I wasn't a day drinker. I wasn't like an afternoon drink.

like I said, I wasn't a pairing my food with wine drinker. I was a get as fucking drunk as I can drinker, okay? And that was the point. So I only really drink at night. Drinking during the day was the worst because I would drink so much as I'm like pass out. So I would be like going out drinking, drinking, like I said, vodka with anything. And I'd sip a drink and two sips, okay, two sips. And I'm a tiny person, not that I'm like short. I'm like 5'7, but I'm like 120 pounds my whole life. So I could drink a drink in two sips, and I would have a lot of drinks in the night. That's why I was always blacking out. I'd probably have six, and then I'd do shots.

And if I did shots, I like tequila. And tequila, I'm sorry, that's not a normal alcohol. There's a little bit of a drug thing going on in tequila, right? We all know that. It is hardcore. I mean, those are my craziest nights. Tequila had me off the rails. But anyway, I'd do shots.

I was a vodka drinker. I never drank beer. And if I was going to drink beer, there was a time where I would drink 40s. And the reason why I drank 40s, I was like, I don't understand why like 40s get such a bad rap. They're so like, oh, 40s are cheap shit beer. But because I was drinking to get drunk, to me, 40s made sense. I was like, like I said, there was a time that I'd go to parties and I'd be bringing like a six pack of 40s. And I was like, why is nobody else doing this?

This shit gets you drunk in one can. It's so much more alcohol. You drink regular beer. You have to drink like 18 of them. It's 18 loaves of bread. Beer is all carbs. It's gross. Okay, I could never drink it. So there was a time where I drank beer. I drink 40. So any drunks out there that haven't quit yet, if you really want to get drunk, drink a 40. It's so much more efficient. So, you know, I would drink that and I would black out. And listen, I wasn't blacking out every single time in the beginning. I started very young drinking, like most people at party, seventh grade, stealing alcohol.

I would always make a joke and say, oh, most people had a pool in the backyard. I had a church because my father was a reverend, okay? And that church was filled with alcohol. And across the street from the church was a big forest. I mean, it was a forest test because we were little. It was like probably one block of trees. So anyway, we would like go in because we had the keys. I mean, it did a lot of shit in that church because it was just like my backyard.

It wasn't like a holy place to me because it's, that's just because it was there. So we would go in, fill up garbage bags of ice and whatever kind of liquor we could get our hands on. And we would go over to those woods and we would drink. And we would have contests, drinking contests with the guys. And this is where like the fucked up shit started. Okay.

And this is where like any young girls or young people listening to this is going to be like, what the fuck. But you know, back in those days, this is like the shit that went down. It was really sick. There was a lot of R-A-P-E going. on. You didn't even think anything of it. I didn't even realize that stuff was going down until way later. But we would go into the woods with these guys. And when you're young like that, you're just drinking whatever. So it was like Seagram 7, like nasty shit, right? And we would have

drinking contests with the guys. And what I didn't know, what my girlfriends didn't know, was those guys were not drinking. They were like holding it to their lips while we were drinking. And we, because I'm a competitive bitch, I would want to drink more than them. But they were drinking nothing so the girls would get blackout drunk and they would hold us down and finger us and do all kinds of crazy shit it was like at the time like I said because it was such a different time and it was such a fucked up time for women if you ask me that that stuff was like oh it happened you almost felt not almost you felt like it was your fault you know what I mean it wasn't like a thing that I ever processed in my brain as something fucked up until way later it wasn't until

I quit drinking and I went to my first AA meeting that some girl was was telling her story and talking about all the times she got really drunk and these guys took advantage of her and how she put that together. And I was like, oh my God, that happened to me so many times and I never even realized it. And it was fucked up. But those were the times. That's the kind of shit that went down. That went down all through high school, just crazy drinking. I lived in the suburbs at that time. And once I started driving, I was like drinking and driving and I just remember like before I moved into the city I had a time where I was like the moving out of the suburbs into the city couldn't have come faster because I felt like you know it was

either I was going to kill myself or kill a family because I was driving drunk all the time there would be times that I would be driving home from the city and I wouldn't remember whether I took the tunnel or the bridge to get home there were times where I would be driving down the highway and I would be like, oh, it's going straight for a really long time so I could close my eyes and take a nap. I mean, I survived it all. And I never did have an accident. And I never did kill a fucking family. Like, killing yourself is one thing.

But imagine doing that and hurting somebody else. How do you, like, that's the worst crime imaginable. So I thank God I was lucky, knock on wood, because I was doing fucked up things that I eventually moved to the city. And I didn't have to drink and drive anymore. but that's when things turned up a notch because, listen, I did not have to get in my car. So there was no limits. I could black out and get in a fucking cab and somehow I would wind up home. I mean, most of the time, I'm out with friends and they're as drunk as I am.

So we would just be laughing at this scenario. And I kind of lived a double life. I had a lot of friends that I partied with and went out and drank with. And they were like into parting as much as I was. But I always had these side friends that we did. just didn't do that together. And there was a couple friends that I would meet up and just do dinner and have us do social things with them that never involved drinking. So they didn't really see me in that mode. And then there was one who reported back to me one night because apparently I was in a cab

and I was blacked out. I don't remember anything. Okay. And this is like a guy who runs a whole huge company. He's like a major CEO. And in the middle of the night like four o'clock in the morning, this guy gets a call from me. This is what he tells me. I don't have any recollection of it, but he gets a call. I'm calling him. He's one of my good friends. And I'm like, I'm in a car and they're taking me through a tunnel and they're kidnapping me.

I didn't know where the fuck I was. Somehow that cab driver got the phone from me and got his address or he told me his address and I get to his apartment building. He comes down. him in his lobby. Okay, this like I said, this guy's like a CEO. He lives in a fat apartment with a doorman that you cost a lot of money to live there. So there's no riffraff in there. But there I am. He says he comes down and there I am in the lobby like fighting with his doorman trying to get up, but drunk as a skunk. Okay. So he gets me in the cab. He brings me to my apartment. And he, I don't

have my keys. Okay. And I am looking for my keys. And so he asks me like, where does the super live? And I keep giving him 15 different wrong apartments. So now this poor guy is like running through my apartment building to all different floors, to all different apartments, trying to find my super. I'm so blacked out drunk. I don't remember where the fuck he lives, right? But like I said, I don't remember any of this. All I remember, okay, all of a sudden I come out of my blackout, okay, and I'm in front of my apartment door with my leg spread, my whole bag, like Pocka book is dumped out in front of me. I think I was probably in my head, like looking for my keys.

And there in front of me is my friend and my doorman and my super opening the door to let me into my house. So that was just one night. There was many of those nights. But most of the time, like I said, I was going out with friends and I was hanging out with people who were as drunk as I was. And I was like the source of everybody's entertainment because I was fucking crazy and fun and always out to going Now, I would go out till 4 o'clock in the morning and I would go to my day job at 9 a.m. And I would always show up, like I said, but I would be puking in between phone calls and everyone knew what I was doing.

I did feel like I was living in double life because I was always responsible in the daytime. And at night, I was just like a mess. I dressed super slutty. Okay, before girls dressed super slutty. I mean, now I always say like I was like way ahead of the times because the way I dressed back then, no girl dressed like that. Now every girl dressed like that. Back then, girls only dressed slutty on Halloween. And it just really showed that every girl wanted to dress slutty, but they had to use an excuse because it wasn't acceptable back then. For me,

back then, though, I was into super slutty clothes. I would wear those clothes to go out. Looking back and after I quit, I was like, wow, like it's so interesting that I really sort of portrayed myself as just, kind of like a vapid bimbo. And the truth is, I'm the opposite of that. I'm actually kind of super smart and really together and really responsible. But for some reason, I

didn't feel like that was valid, or I didn't feel like that was good to portray. I put my worst foot forward and showed my worst self. And I remember it was always so funny when I wanted a boyfriend when I was younger. Like some of my

friends, they'd be like, Kathy, when are you going to start drinking? so you can meet a guy. I'm like, I'm never going to stop drinking so I can meet a guy. Like eventually some guy will walk into the bar and look across the room and save me. But the truth is, the kind of guy that I wanted to date, which was like a good guy that was successful, that had a shit together, would never walk in a bar and look across it and see me and want to date me. He'd run for the fucking hills. And therein lies the problem with addicts and with me in that I was living a lie. I was not being myself. I was being, like I said, my worst self. There was a lot of sex that went down. I can't tell you how many times I woke up with someone in my bed and I was like,

I thought, fuck out, okay? A lot of times, most of the times, I slept with my guy friends. So, you know, a lot of guys are fucking lucky back then. I wasn't so much. I wasn't so much. the type of person that would pick up guys that I didn't know, like randoms, it was more likely that if you were my guy friend and you were around, you'd get to bang me. I mean, it sounds funny, but it's actually horrifying. For me, I had sex with people that I would have never had sex with when I was sober. And that was another kind of sabotage thing. That wasn't good for me to do. I'm a very sexual person. I'm very open-minded. But that wasn't like, open-minded, great sex. That was fucked up, not good for me, shit that I was doing. I wasn't taking

good care of myself. Thank God, like I said, it was mostly like my friends. I mean, there was this one guy, and I think I've talked about this on episodes before that was one of my go-to guys at the, towards the end. And every time I'd wake up, he'd be at my house cuddling with me, and I'd be like, get the fuck out. And then I'd, like, call him up and talk to him about like, oh, my God, I can't believe I fucked you again and he'd be like don't worry about it you know I would like literally feel bad about banging them and then they would be the people I would talk to because they were my friends oh my god it was so bad and towards the end this kind of stuff happened more and more and it got to the point like I took off from sex for a while because I was like banging so many randoms that I didn't like

that it was actually ruining sex for me towards the end I was very conflicted because I really didn't like any more what I was doing when I was drinking and it was really affecting me and it was getting worse and worse. They say alcoholism, addiction is a progressive disease and it absolutely is. I blacked out for a long times towards the end. The last couple of years I couldn't not black out no matter what I did. And I like every other addict that tries to keep their addiction and going, I switched things up because it was actually annoying. I'm like, I'm going out to have a good time. And I'm blacking out two hours in.

I wanted to have fun. I didn't mind blacking out at 3 a.m. and having two hours of fun. I was blacking out at like 12. And I'm like, fuck that. Like, I want to enjoy myself because when you're blacked out, you don't remember what's going on. So I remember quitting hard alcohol and just drinking beer. I remember just not having shots, doing anything I could to make

that blackout not happened so fast so I can enjoy myself. And all the things that I tried worked for a little bit, but then I just kept blacking out from that quickly. And it got to the point where towards the end, right before I quit, it didn't matter what I fucking drank. I blacked out in one second. I just couldn't hold it anymore. And I will say that a lot of times no matter how drunk you are, you don't cross certain lines. You'll do like really crazy things, but you don't cross certain lines. And for most of my drinking days. I did crazy things. I fucked a lot of people, like I said, that I didn't want to, but I, but I didn't do things that I woke up and I was like, oh my God,

I just, I always just thought it was like super funny and whatever, but towards the end, I will say, besides blacking out so quickly, I was doing things that I was like embarrassed about. I would wake up and the first thought was like, oh my God, what did I do? And how many showers do I need to take so I could forget about it? I felt really awful about it. I felt really awful about myself and I think it's like a common thing that a lot of people feel and maybe people feel it a lot longer than me. Like the minute I started feeling that, that's when I started to really think, oh my God, do I have a problem? Should I quit drinking? Like I said, I was trying to do everything but quit. I was still trying to make it fucking work. You know, and you realize later on why that is, it's not about alcohol. Like I said, I never even like the taste of it.

It was about I needed to get drunk and why did I need to get drunk. I remember exactly. where I was when I called up Robert Kelly. He was a sober friend of mine and we always talked about my drinking and I remember exactly like I said where I was when I asked him if he thought I had a problem and he said yes and I remember how I felt. It was like the weakest, most vulnerable feeling. You know, it was like, oh my God, I really have a problem. I was really facing that reality and it was the worst feeling I just felt so weak and helpless. Like what the fuck do I do? I didn't feel at that point that I knew what to do. And so thank God there was something called AA. Now my story as it progresses, you will realize that I don't go to AA anymore and I've been

successfully sober 20 years. But in the beginning, I will say that if it wasn't there, I would have been fucking loss and I would have never been able to quit because like I said I didn't know what to do. I felt really helpless and alone. I went to my first AA meeting and it was very, I don't know, I just felt like an alcoholic is like a guy, a scruffy guy. I don't know. I had this weird stereotype in my head of an alcoholic. And so I was really concerned I'm going to go to this meeting and it's going to be all these guys. And what was so magical about my first AA meeting is that the meeting that I happened to go to had like more women than men. And it wasn't even a women's meeting. But there were more women than men. And these women were attractive. They looked like they

were professionals. It was exactly what I needed to know that, okay, I'm in the right place. And then, like I said, the girl that was telling her story, because at an AA meeting, one person gets up and tells her story. Like, I'm telling you right now, this is an AA meeting for me, tells her story. and you listen and what's always great about those stories is like you could relate on certain levels and when that girl talked about all the R-A-P-E that went down when she was drinking when she was younger I was like oh my God like that same shit happened to me and I never put that together like I talk a lot about pokey-pokey on my podcast and I think it's because of that kind of stuff that happened to me when I was drinking and the stuff that those guys would do when I was.

was drunk. And so that first meaning, like I said, was magical for me. I felt like it was important that I knew that there was other women that had this, that these people that were alcoholics, weren't these people that I envisioned. They were every kind of person, okay? Every kind of fucking person. After a while, you realize you could relate to any fucking alcoholic, no matter where they are on the spectrum, you all have things in common, you know? And I started doing AA. I never got a sponsor. I never was able to do that successfully. I never, I tried one, and she was a young girl. She was like only 19, and I was like 34, and I had been drinking since I was like 15.

When this girl had been drinking like a year. And when she was like trying to talk to me, I was like, listen, bitch, like, you cannot relate. Like, I don't know. I just felt like, how do you quit after a year and you're sitting here trying to teach me how to quit? Like, uh-uh, not going to happen, you know. So I was never successful at getting a sponsor. but because I'm a talkaholic, okay, I really am, I always have been.

That's why I started a podcast. That's why I'm still doing it 650-something episodes later. I always talk to people about my stuff. And I have to tell you, after I quit drinking, the only fucking thing I had left to do when I felt horrible was talk. Okay, before that, I didn't have to talk to anyone about anything because I had to just go out, get fucking drunk, and I would forget about anything that happened. It was like my go-to check out, not deal with my life problems.

Okay, I never brushed my teeth. I never washed my face when I got drunk. It was like, it made my life easier. There was something I had to do. When I quit drinking, all of a sudden, you have to be present 24-7. And one of the big things that happens when you do kick your habit, regardless of what it is, that first year, you are fucking exhausted. I remember being so exhausted that first year. I was not used to living life every day in reality.

Do you know what I mean? And even if I'm only drinking two or three nights a week and it's only from 11 p.m. to 5 a.m. There is so much time that you're getting ready to go out and then there's so much time that you're sick or hung over and then the rest of the time you're talking about it that you're really checking out all the fucking time. So when you don't have anything to check out with or nothing to talk about, I had no friends. I lost a lot of friends when I quit drinking, okay? No place to fucking go.

Nothing to do. And you have to brush your teeth and wash your face every night. I was like, wow, now I know why a part of me drank because it's easier. Life 24-7 in-your-face reality was like a mind fuck for me at first. I was extremely exhausted. Like I said, I didn't get a sponsor in the beginning. I did, though, go to AA meetings. I never spoke up.

I had a fear of speaking up, but I would just go and I would listen and it was so super helpful. I never did any steps. I didn't really understand them. But I had a friend, a good friend, who was very hardcore AA person. He probably still is to this day, very successful at it, very much in the program. And what he used to say to me is like, Kathy, you like do the program and you do, all the things that they teach you to do just like naturally. And maybe that's why I was able to give up going to meetings and still be successful

because I think what meetings are all about is like checking in and being honest about where you're at and talking shit out and remembering that you have a fucking addiction. And I do that all of the time. Okay, there was a time recently that I had an operation and I was on opioids. They gave them to me, right? and I was like, why do I feel so fucking good? And I remember like walking around and thinking like, wow, this is how like regular people feel. But that's obviously not true, right?

Regular people feel like I do. Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad. But I just felt so fucking good that I was like, oh my God, this is like what it feels to be normal. And I started to get like, oh, I'm going to take one more. And I just remember calling up all my friends and telling them what I was going through and saying, I think maybe I should stop this because it is too good. and really checking in and being honest about saved me. Like there are a lot of people that fall off the fucking wagon because they take those

and then they get addicted to that. And I get why that happens. And that's what AA is about. It's like talking. You go into an AA meeting. You start saying that you're feeling that way. People are going to be like you need to fucking stop, right? You got to be honest with yourself.

I tend to be that way naturally. Like I said, my friend was like, you just kind of like do the program regularly. and because when I quit drinking, like I said, the only thing I had was talking. And because I didn't want to talk so much at the meetings, I just started talking to the friends that were left over, right? That one friend who found me in the cab, I remember there was one time when we were friends. And all the things, I'm going to tell you, anything that stands out in your memory like exactly where you were in the scene and you could see it, it's like a flash in your brain. That's when important shit is going down. just like when I remember that Robert Kelly, where I was when I called him up on the phone to ask me if I was an addict,

just like I remembered where I was when one of my friends said to me, Kathy, do you realize that all of the drama that you have going in your life always revolves around drinking? Did you ever think if you didn't drink that you'd have no drama? And he was right. There was a lot of fucking drama, a lot of sabotage, a lot of messed up shit. but there's something in all of that that sort of works for an addict, right? Because what an addict really needs is to not deal with reality. So the more stupid, fucked up drama, the better because then you don't have to face the real shit.

But it's kind of like your foot hurts so you bump your knee and now you have two problems. I mean, it's not really solving anything. It's like the dumbest thing to do. And that's why the greatest thing I did was quit drinking. and it changed my life for the better, but that first year was so difficult. I did everything wrong. Like AA, everything AA tells you not to do, I did, okay? I am the type of person.

If you tell me not to do something, I just want to do it even more. And that's another reason why eventually after a while AA didn't work for me because talking about drinking, living in the world about not drinking, it's all about not drinking, and you're talking about not drinking. but all I hear is like fucking drinking. I just didn't want to live in it all the time. And I felt like after a while my personality type, like I said, I'm kind of like you tell me not to do something.

I want to do it more. I'm just rebellious. I was thrown out of three high schools. I don't listen to fucking anyone. And I don't think that that's wrong. Okay. I like that personality trait. But in this situation, it kind of was like it wasn't going to work.

AAA wasn't going to work for my type of personality. I get why it works for other people. I think it's so valid. I think what they do there is great. If I didn't start there, I wouldn't be where I am right now. It helped me in the beginning. I probably only did it for a year. But after that, I started to see a therapist like more.

And I remember it was really important that my therapist said, you don't have to go to AA if you don't want to. Like I said, I hated that having a sponsor them trying to tell me I have to go to a meeting every day for the rest of my life. That was just not going to work with me. I wanted to quit drinking and get on with my life. But that first year was difficult. They say not to get in a relationship.

What did I do? I started fucking a guy. My old co-host, Tommy. That's when I started banging Tommy. And it was a big, fat mess. I didn't go to any bars in the beginning. Now I could go to a bar. I mean, I don't go to bars because this is so boring.

But there was a time where I could go to bars. I could be around people that drink. I could make, for people I could have alcohol in my house. I have no desire to ever go back there. So it's all good. But in the beginning for that first year, one good thing I did was not go into any bars, but I did have this crazy relationship with Tommy. Then I was banging some guy in San Francisco and he'd fly me out and he'd fuck me. And this is another one of those times where I remember exactly where I was. I was like, I had just come back from one of my weekends and I would call

them fly me out. He would fly me out on a Friday and then fly me back on a red eye to go to work. And I fly out and fuck him all weekend, the San Francisco guy. And I remember one time coming back and then going and seeing Tommy at his bar and fucking him in the back room. It was like closed, but he owned the bar. So he fucked in the back room. And I remember calling my sister from the deli and being like, I don't know why I just fuck Tommy. Like I really like San Francisco guy. But I don't understand why. And she's like, I know why you did, Kathy, because you're sweating the phone call from San Francisco guy. You haven't heard. from him. So you did that to distract yourself. And it was exactly true. I was like, oh my God,

that's what I fucking do. And that's when I'm sober, right? And I think that a lot of people think, oh, take the drug of choice or the thing of choice that you are addicted to. Take that away and all your problems are solved. There was a girl recently who tried to save a guy she found on the street and she got him to quit his crystal meth and all the shit that he did. And then he turned nuts and everyone was like oh that's so sad like he failed like he went off and now he's acting crazy how terrible what a sad story it's like no that's normal okay because what you're using whatever it is sex drugs alcohol jesus okay there are some people that are addicted to religion whatever you're using isn't the problem okay you'll only realize what the problem

is when you get rid of that and that's when you're facing your problems and that's when the real work starts. Quitting your shit is just the first step. After that is all the other shit. Okay, like I said, I was exhausted the first year. I was still sabotaging left and right. I was a fucking mess. I remember going to a wedding, and this is another one of those times where I remember exactly where I was driving in a cab and someone called me and said, oh, the guy you like, I was like in love with one of my friends. And he was like, the guy you liked met, a really great girl. And she's like really hot.

And I remember being so freaked out and feeling so jealous and so upset that this was happening. And I, without even thinking, I opened my phone and I start looking for guys to have sex with. And I realize every guy that I used to have sex with, I can't hit them up because I can't fuck any one of them straight. And I remember feeling like, what the. fuck am I going to do? Like how do I get out of myself? That feeling of feelings, regular feelings that people get jealousy upset. Like I couldn't fucking deal. Okay. And my go-to always in the past when I drank, that's what alcohol was for for me. Anytime I felt uncomfortable, anytime I felt sad,

anytime my fucking cat died, I went on and got drunk, I never thought about it again. That's what I always did. I was always running away from my feelings because my feelings, I didn't know how to fucking deal with them. Okay. And I do believe that whenever you quit drinking, you go back emotionally to the age you were when you started. Okay, I started drinking at 15. I was like a fucking emotional, emotionally I was 15 when I quit. I didn't know how to fucking deal with a thing. And I got to tell you, that feeling of looking through my phone and realizing I can't fuck anyone and I can't get away from this feeling was horrifying. It was like being trapped inside my body. And I learned and I to say I learned through those times to call people and talk it fucking out because that's all

you got, right? There's no more escaping. And well, I will say if anyone's listening to this and wants to follow in my footsteps that eventually after a while of you sitting there, like feeling like you're in a fucking straight jacket dealing with your feelings that you don't know how to deal with eventually over time, you learn how to deal with them. And it becomes easier and easier. But it is not like in the movies. It is not an overnight thing. Every year you are sober makes a huge difference. First year, second year, third year. I would say maybe after the seventh year, you're like good to go. But in the beginning, there's massive changes every year and you get stronger and better at everything. In the beginning, I was still sabotaging. Why? Because I didn't have

alcohol and I still don't know how to deal with my fucking feeling. So yeah, if I'm upset that San Francisco guy hasn't called me yet after our weekend of fun, I'm going to go fucking. I'm going to go, Tommy because I can't think about the feelings of waiting around for this guy to call me and I'm sweating him. And that's when I realized this is why I did all that shit because I was always running away from my feelings. And so that first year, anytime I had a terrible feeling, I stayed home. I locked myself in my house. I did nothing for the whole year. And when I was home that year, I would literally sometimes put on my music really loud. I was used to going out every single night, right. So now here I am at home on a Saturday night. I felt like the loser. And so there were nights where I would put on my makeup and my clothes and blast the music and just be like, but nowhere to fucking go. So one day I said to Tommy, you take me out to dinner. I just want to like get dressed up and go out someplace. When I put on my slutty clothes and my makeup and I felt so uncomfortable. Okay. I was like, what the fuck am I doing? He winds up taking me to this really nice restaurant, Plataforma and is like a Brazilian barbecue. And we get in there.

there. And there was a huge table next to our table. And nobody was there, but it was set up and it looked like it was going to fit 30 people, right? And like I said, I put on all my makeup and my slutty clothes and I felt like I looked like shit. I was so uncomfortable. And I was like, oh, my God, I don't know if this works for me anymore. And I sit down with Tommy. And then in comes the 30 people to sit at that table right in front of us. And who are those 30 people? 30 models from Fashion Week. 30 of the most beautiful women sat down right in front of me and there I was in my slutty clothes and it was probably the best thing that could have happened to me because it was kind of like there is no going back. That night I thought I was going to go back like I was going to get back what I had.

I was going to be the old me and it was going to work and it was like, uh-uh doesn't fucking work. It was like my face was smudging it. I only felt even worse about myself but it was actually like I said the best thing that happen because I realize those clothes need to be thrown out. There's no more dressing like that, looking like that. There's no more party girl. That's not the way I'm going to be hot anymore. To me, the way I'm hot is if I sit across from you in the daytime and I fucking talk to you, like a real person, that's where I'm at my hottest. Am I hot in a bar? No, I have no fucking game in a bar. And that's something, you know, that happens. And it's kind of sad.

There were a couple times where I tried to go into bars because eventually I was fine with not drinking and I would go into bars and there's a certain time of night in a bar where the alcohol starts, you know, kicking in for everybody and everyone comes, it becomes like a little loose and everyone becomes like a little sexier and everyone becomes a little bit more fun. And if you're straight and you're sitting there, I don't know, I felt like the most unfun, unsexy, unloose person. It just wasn't for me anywhere. Like I said, I have no game in a bar. I'm not interested. I'm still a fucking fun person, okay? And that's why I, I, I, I, I, I, I realized after a while I didn't really need alcohol.

I could still have a good time no matter what, but I don't have fun in bars. That first year, like I said, was exhausting. I realized a lot of things about myself. I read through my journals. I was always a journal writer before. There was Google. I wrote in my journals every single night. I have probably 15 books of every day of my life written down.

And during that first year, I read through every single one of them, from when I started writing, to when I quit. drinking up into that point and I couldn't believe how many times I wrote in there that I had a problem. If you would have told me before I read those journals, did I think I had a problem? I would say no, I didn't realize it until that moment in time when I talked to Robert Kelly on the street. That's when I realized. No, there were so many times I had brought it up and spoke about that in my private moments in my journal. And that's what was so amazing about writing in my journal. When I read back and read everything, it's like, you're, mind tends to remember things and keep memories in a very different way than in reality.

When you write shit down, you see what was really fucking going on. And you'll never remember what was going on if you don't write it down in the moment. And there was, like I said, so many moments that I felt terrible about what I did, that I thought that I needed to quit drinking, that I said to myself that I would. But those thoughts were never registered for me. Somehow I had forgotten those. So it was super interesting. going back and reading. But like I said, every year after I quit, it just became easier to deal with my feelings and my emotions. I realized that I drank all those times because having any kind of feeling other than good was unbearable. And like I said, it becomes more bearable as you go on.

And I could tell you at this point in my life, I've been through some horrifying things since I quit drinking like everybody else you know life it's 20 years some terrible horrible things have happened and I have never once thought to go back and drink my feelings away because I can't deal I am fully functional feet on my fucking ground I could deal with any emotion that comes my way and I mastered it I'm fine I'm like a normal person and that is amazing and that's where you want to be I feel like my feet are on the ground and they never were before I quit drinking. What I always tell people about quitting drinking for me, it was like the difference that it made in me was like living in a dark room and then turning on the lights and living in a totally light room. I mean, it's like literally

that much of a difference, even though life was hard at first full time 24-7. Now I couldn't imagine it any other way. There's a great Metallica documentary and they were just documenting the band when their studio life and shit. But during that time that they were documenting things, the singer got sober. So that became a big part of the documentary. And there was at one point where he said, like, getting sober for him was like turning the volume from like a two to like a 10. And I totally get what he means.

Like to me, all the emotions that I feel now and everything that I experience, good and bad, is so much more amazing than that dull life I left. when I was half cocked out of my brain not facing anything. A lot of my friends, some of my friends, my narcissist ones especially, would really get on me afterwards because after I quit drinking, I would actually cry about things. I had more emotions about things and would talk about things because I was dealing with them now. Right before I never cared about a fucking thing.

I was like, quote unquote, strong. Everyone thought I was so fucking strong. But really, I wasn't. I was avoiding everything. I never dealt with one thing. just drank. So when I got sober, there would be times where I'd be on the phone crying to my friends and they'd be like, ah, you're awful. Like you were so much better when you were drinking. But this is what I'm going to say, okay? And I do know people that aren't even alcoholics, but anyone who like never

gets sad and never has a weak moment and never feels anything bad, yeah, that's great. I live that life for a really long time. And you do feel fake strong for a while and it is great. But I'm going to tell you what the downfall to that life is. You never feel the good things either. It is a, it is a, you know, selling your soul to the devil. You say, I don't ever want to feel bad. Well, you know what? You're never going to feel really that great. Okay. And that's the life that I lived. I never dealt with my bad feelings, but I never felt super happy. Like, and now I feel everything. And yeah, now I feel weak. I feel sad. I feel the negative things. But the positive things are equally as fucking loud. Everything goes from a two to the 10. And it really was the best, most powerful,

life-changing thing I ever did. I still don't drink. It's so easy for me not to because it was such a positive thing for me. It was really hard. I will say again, one of the other things I remember feeling during that first year is like being at a friend's pool party and everybody was just talking about nonsense, regular life nonsense. And I felt so jealous. I was like, oh, my life is all about this deep shit and I'm dealing with this and I don't have any of just that nonsense life stuff, you know. But I have to say that sometimes if you take a year, two years of your life to dig deep and do the hard work, it pays off. I eventually got back to talking about nonsense in my regular life and I was just 10,000 times happier because I took those couple of

years to really work on myself and be miserable. I mean, it was difficult, not easy. really hard, but so fucking worth it. There were so many books that I read. Like I said, I went to meetings a little bit in the beginning. And then I did a lot of therapy. I was still writing in my journal. And one of the things that really saved me and saves me to this day is whenever I have a feeling, I especially if I'm embarrassed or I did something terrible, whatever it is, I can't wait to call up every single one of my friends and cop to it and talk about it. I have to get it up and out. And that really saved me. And that's all you can do is like fucking face shit.

And they say like the only way out of something is through it. And that's that's the way that it fucking goes. And for a long time, I never went through anything. I just created 10,000 million other fires to put out, which was that's a sabotage part of it. That's the fucked up bullshit things that you do. I was upset about one guy. Go fuck someone else. I didn't like.

And then I feel bad about that. And it just messed up my whole life. So quitting, drinking and getting my shit together was the best thing I ever did. I do recommend AA for anybody who needs it, especially in the beginning. I do say, though I am also here to say that I have been very successful at remaining sober and loving it for 20 years without it too. So that is an option. And that was important for me to hear because it just wasn't going to work for me. but I wanted to be successful.

But I also believe in it and I believe some people need it forever. So I'm not anti-A-A-A. I see the value in it. I think it's great if you're going to it. I also, like I said, I think I just naturally AA. All the things that they tell you, like I kind of do those things. My favorite phrase is know thyself. And now that I'm not hiding from myself,

I do know myself and I see myself clearly. And I know who the fuck I am and I'm happy with who the fuck I am. And that was never the case when I was drinking. So it was the best thing I ever did if anyone has any kind of addiction and all kinds of things could be an addiction. Or you're married dating an addict and you think you want them to quit and they do and they're fucked up and sleeping all day. That's a normal process. That's not a failure. That's not, oh my God, something's wrong here.

No. Nobody that's an addict is an addict because they, it's because of out. And you quit it and the problem is solved. Everyone that's an addict is like me. They can't fucking deal with reality, with their feelings. It's too much for them. So they are checking out. And you could use anything to check out with, okay?

It's true. It's not just alcohol. It's not just sex. Alcohol is an easier thing because alcohol is black and white. You could quit it and then never go in a bar again and be totally fine. It's harder when some people have sex as an addiction because you're still going to be intimate with your partner, right? It is a part of regular life or food as an addiction. That's another hard one. I was lucky in that I went to alcohol. I will say once an addict, always an addict. I totally

believe that. And that's why I don't drink. And that's why I would never drink. That's why I threw those opioids out because I'm like, oh no, anything that I like, okay, I want it over and over and over and I want more and more. If I find a song that I like, I'll listen to it on loop like 50 times. I go to a restaurant and I eat the same fucking thing. Like I like what I like and I want all of what I like. And I think I'll always be an addict and that's just the way that I'm wired. I do think it comes with the fucked up wiring when you're younger. I don't think healthy people that have the healthy childhoods become addicts.

I think it is a product of something else, just the way that it goes. But at the end of the day, do I look back and think, oh, poor me? No. I was dealt a hand of cards. I deal with it. I am the type person I can't drink and that's fucking fine. life's short. You can't go back and change things. You could just sort of make things better. And quitting drinking did make things better. I love being sober. And this was great to share my story.

You know, this is not what my listeners come here for. But I think the right people will find this episode because of the title, because of what it's about. And I hope it's a story that helps other people, like all those stories I heard and all those other people talking in AA, they helped me. I hope this helps somebody else, not only somebody that has an addiction problem themselves, but somebody that's with somebody, because it's really hard to understand it if you don't have it. If you're that type of person that could put down a drink after you drink two times, you're not fun. You're fucking normal. And I think normal people, it's hard to understand an addict because you're not wired that way.

So I think you could learn from all the things in this episode too. So I hope I do, not hope, I know that the right people will find this episode. I hope you enjoyed my little sober journey. It's been 20 years, May 18th is when it went down, and I couldn't be happier. Thanks so much for listening. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook.

It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories.

And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letter. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters. Easy read. You could read one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it. it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay. There's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay. I give it to people who

buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total, strictly anonymous community. And you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook, or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's Strictly Anonymous Podcasts at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway,

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