Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 870 - Jessica is a Lesbian Trans Woman who was Recently Outed to her Wife

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Jessica is a lesbian trans woman who recently got outed to her wife and she called in to talk all about it. Tune in to hear all the details including when Jessica realized something was different about her and wanted to be a girl when she realized she was also interested in girls, the online sexting with women she would do, and how that led to her being outed, how her wife reacted when she found out she was into being trans, how she had tried to bring up the fact that she was trans in the past and how she would react then, how and why his wife’s step sister was the only one who knew her secret and why they don’t talk anymore, the ultimatum her wife gave her and how she feels about it, how and where she dresses up nowadays, why she find it so difficult, to be honest with her wife about her feelings and why she needs to be, how she is in therapy and what she needs to work on to help her marriage plus a whole lot more. **To see anonymous pics of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confess while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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including my Discord. Just join my Patreon at $7 a month. We can't sell it any time. It's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. I also wanted to tell you about sdc.com. That is the Swinger Lifestyle Dating app that I recommend the most now. and I get to offer all of my listeners a free trial. That's sdc.com. Use my code 37712 or just go to the description and click on a link and you're going to get a free trial of SDC. And what's great about SDC is it's not just a hookup app where you're going to find other like-minded hot people.

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I started out going in the beginning with her. When she realized she was trans, when she realized she was born male, but felt much more like a female. But then we got really quickly into the point where she got outed recently, like six or eight months ago, to her wife. she's been married for 10 years to a woman,

and a woman just found out recently that she was interacting with people online as Jessica. In a sexual way, Jessica happens to be a trans woman, but she's into women. She's not into men. She's into women. And so her wife was really taken aback.

There were ultimatums given. There have been times Jessica talked about how she has tried to bring up the subject to her wife while they were together, that she was into being Jessica, that she liked to dress up. But her wife is very anti it. And as given her an ultimatum, and right now where it stands, everybody in the story believes that Jessica is just not going to be Jessica, but that's not the truth. Jessica, thankfully, is in therapy. I give Jessica a lot of therapeutic advice in this episode, and I think it's good advice. She's definitely at a crossroads in her life, and it's super interesting. And

And I can understand her wife's position and so can she. But I also feel for Jessica. So, and you're going to too. But anyway, it's a super interesting story. And I'm going to be right back on with Jessica. Hey, Jessica, welcome to the strictly anonymous podcast. How are you today? I'm doing good.

How are you doing? I'm doing good. So listen, Jessica. What I know about you is you are a trans female, but you're very much in the closet. So should I assume that you haven't transitioned yet at all? you're just like trans but nobody knows? Correct. And I don't say one or two people now other than that.

Well, okay, one or two people and then my new therapist, whatever, knows. They know, but that would be it. Okay, well, that's great that you're in therapy. How old are you, Jessica? I'm 33. Okay, 33. So let's go all the way back. Like, when was it that you started to realize, like, something's wrong here?

Like, I feel like I'm a female, but because you were born a male. But at some point, you're like, this is right. When was those, what early memories do you have of that kind of feeling? So there were times, like, when I was really little that I would steal my mom's clothes or whatever. But I didn't think anything of it back then. The first time that I, like, remember doing something like that and actually thinking about it was when I was laying on my stepsisters floor, dressed in her clothes and reading through her magazines and being like, huh, this is. more my more me this is definitely what i would rather be and and i remember like just doing that

on more than one occasion and it just kind of becoming a thing and then going to school but like not not dressed up or not anything like that but like going to school and just feel like i don't fit in with everybody else really and and it kind of just kind of went from there but then at the same time I was also feeling like the peer pressure of, well, you're a guy. You need to be a guy. And going back home and then dressing up and being like, I can't do this because I'm not gay. So this is I, and then I went through many years on and off either repressing that or or trying to be like, no, this can't be a thing. And then.

Denying it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Over time kind of coming to terms with it on and off at different points throughout. my life. Well, it must have helped with the whole change and the trans community being much more out and proud recently. That must have helped you at that point. Kind of figure it out, right? Or no? Yeah. Yes. And so much that it kind of gave me, oh, this is a thing. Like, I can actually like explore this and not be as not probably the best term to describe it, but it's not as weird.

Yeah, there's a label for it and you fit in someplace. And, you fit in someplace. And, people are accepting it and it's out there and people are talking about it. I feel like that must have been a great thing because there's still so many other sort of people that have labels that they can't figure it out yet because they're just like that community isn't so out and proud. I don't know what happened. Somehow the trans community got really out there for each other and I feel like they've done a very good job of letting people know about them and what they're all about and creating

these labels and everything. think it's great. I feel sorry for gay men. I feel like there's still like a stigma attached to that way more than trans people. And it's pretty amazing where it's come. But let me ask you this. Let's go back to the beginning when you were dressing. Like you said something like, oh, when I was looking through the magazines, I was like, oh, this is way more me. Do you mean like the act of looking through the magazines and doing girly things or looking through the magazines and seeing women and feeling like you felt like you were more like the women in the magazines? Oh, both. Both. Both. Okay. both. Like, it was, like, everything.

Oh, interesting. Yeah. Like, and for me, it was always, and I had this, like, internal conflict of I couldn't decide if I wanted to be a girl or, like, wanted to be her to be with her. And as, as time progressed, I've realized, oh, yeah, it's, it's both. It's 100% both. So are you, like, a trans woman who's a lesbian if you had to label yourself? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, interesting. That would be the most accurate, the closest thing to it, yes. Because you felt like you were a female, but you were not into guys at all. So that must have been doubly confusing, I feel like, because you got two things kind of going on. You're like, correct. Not just trans. You're a homosexual in a certain way, right? Because you're also interested in the same sex because you're believing that you're a female.

Correct. Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of layers there. A lot to sort of accept and understand. And when you're doing that all alone as a child, because it's a child. this stuff comes up really early on. It must be so fucking confusing.

Oh, it was. So, like, and there was a time, early, early internet. I remember having early internet access on my phone and saving, like, pictures of girls kissing. And my dad caught me with that. He was like, girls don't do that. I'm like, well, clearly they do. That's weird. Because at that point, I would think, like, your guy father, I don't know, a lot of guys would be like, oh, yeah, my son's into lesbian porn.

so am I. I don't know. You don't mean a lot of guys. Yeah. No, that would not have. Not your dad? No, no, no. Conservative? Definitely not. Right, right. Oh, my God. Oh, so now you're also like having all these feelings, but you're in a very conservative

household. So you were really all alone with all of these crazy feelings and thoughts and everything. Yes, for a very long time. And I remember, I remember dating on and off, like, throughout high school and through, like, my college years. and it was like I never really felt like I could I always struggled to find like a group friend that I felt comfortable opening up with that about and I never did and that caused that has caused a lot of problems now into my marriage of 10 plus years oh my god wait you're married and in the closet as a trans woman married two kids one on the way oh yes oh my goodness I'm a basket case How long have you been in therapy for?

So I was in therapy for a short time, probably about five or six years ago, dealing with kind of like depression after coming out of the military, actually. Yeah. And I was medically discharged for reasons and went into therapy kind of because I felt like I was lost. Like I had no purpose. I had a whole bunch of other issues. But we never got into this. because I was still very much like,

I was kind of like an in denial still phase of that. And so I was doing with that, but I didn't want to accept this part of me. I was fighting it very much back then. And then things happened. And I got outed to my spouse, kind of without my consent, definitely without my consent, without my approval, without me being ready for it.

And then in the past six months, six months or so I went into therapy seeking help for dealing with with all my gender issues and things like that. Wait a second. So did you go into therapy right when you were outed and started having issues with your wife because you were outed and then you need to tell me how you were outed? Is this all six months ago? This is all kind of going back to, yeah, about six months ago last September, or closer to eight,

nine months ago now. Yeah. So we'll kind of backtrack this a little ways to during my dating years and things like that, when I was trying to kind of figure out who I was, what I was, I got into a lot of going online and sexting and things like that. Well, that never really fully stopped. And like I would go on and present as female trying to find girls. It was very hard because then I would tell them, well, I'm a girl with a little bit more. I'm going to go a little extra. And 90% of the time that would shut down.

I would say about 5% of the time it turned into, okay, like actually something to explore with. And again, a lot of the exploring on this ended up in the sexual realm. And it was, like I said, sex thing and things like that. And that was definitely developing something unhealthy. But I would try to steer away from it, especially once I started dating my wife. And then when we got married, I would try to steer away from it because I felt guilty for it, obviously, because I was cheating. Yeah. But at the same time, I justified it to myself once I'm not cheating because I'm trying to explore who I really am.

I justified it in all sorts of ways in my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all do this shit. But at the same time, I justified it to myself once I'm not cheating because I'm trying to explore who I really am. I justified it in all sorts of ways in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we all do this shit. well well it came to i was i had struck up a conversation with an ex-friend old friend that her and i had had things before but it was never really much it was never much to me well her husband found our whole chat log and then he flipped out and

ended up outing me to my wife and in a number of ways about a lot of things that i was not prepared for Oh my God. And so it all blew up. And so I ended up going to kind of like counseling for like porn addiction and things like that. Because there was definitely a porn aspect of it, but it wasn't as I was dealing with it. I was like, you know what? This is sure, this is helping me kind of, okay, maybe take a step back from this. But I never really felt like that was the real problem.

And so I went through and I did it. I did for about two or three months like completely stopped everything. everything just and and and through the through the counseling that I was in there and and it was helpful in some ways and that I definitely feel I definitely felt like afterwards like when I kind of came out of that period I was like yeah okay this is definitely something I need to get real helpful or not just helpful like this little aspect of it it's something else and so that's when I went into, I reached out to through the VA and got, and actually hooked up with actual, like, LGBTQIA help that is trying, that is, that is supposed to kind of help guide me through,

through a little bit more of this. So that's been about six months. Let me ask you this. And we're jumping around, but that's totally cool. I want to stay here with this outing and everything, but I also want to go back later to more of your childhood stuff. But, you know, you're with this wife. You're with her for very long.

long time. You're completely living a double life. You're presenting as a cis male during the day. That's who she married. You never said anything to her about this other part of yourself. One day you get outed, like, how does she react? And how did that whole conversation go? So we had had a conversation. I had tried to like gently touching on this subject with her over the years. Like on a couple of But it was always shut down. At one point, I was trying to spice up our sex life and I had downloaded like a like a like a like a dice like a like sex dice app basically, but I could customize it a little bit. And so I went in without her knowing I had done this. I had gone in customized have your partner dress up or at your clothes. And so it came up and she was kind of like, okay. And I was trying not to be excited for it when it came up. But. obviously I'm excited for her. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And, but she, she, she, she kind of went along with it.

And after we, we went full board with it, and afterwards, she was like, that was really uncomfortable for me and very awkward. And, and she, and she, and then we talked about it a little bit. And she's like, it's, it's never something ever that she were really serious about. I don't know if I could handle that. And that would kind of be a, a problem for me. me at this point, I was like, that's okay, okay, sure. And again, I went through the phase of, let me try to, let me try to work on this.

Let me try to not feel this way. Let me try to repress this because, again, during my teen years, I had tried this. I had gotten away with it for times, okay, whatever, it's a passing phase, whatever, or it's not this. And I, so I kind of came to, I kind of came to that point when she made that ultimate. and we already had, we already had our first, our first kid together. And I'm like, I don't want to lose this. I don't want to lose my family. And so I went along with it.

Well, then again, kind of fall back into it, come back to that point. And then now get to the point where late last year I'm outed. And she's like, there were signs, I'm sure, that I missed. But I need you to choose right now. Is it, do you want, I was given that ultimatum of basically her and the family or, or that. And I, right. And again, I chose her and the family because at the end of the day, my family is more important to me than anything else. And I'm struggling with that, especially now. And that's why I'm, that's why I'm, that's why I'm in. Yeah, because listen, in a fair, in a world of fairness, why does she only get what she wants it, but you don't.

If you really think about it. If you're really looking at it objectively, right? Like, I'm not going to sides. I'm not going to be biased to anybody. Why is it like, oh, she gets what she wants or you lose it all? Why don't you have a say? Why can't you say back? Well, you know what? It's either me and the family or not you, like two, right back. Right. Yeah. But I get why you feel like the more insecure one because you're more in the vulnerable position because you're the one grappling with this. You're still not clear. You didn't fucking out yourself. It wasn't like you were ready to put that on the table, you know. So I think that that's bad timing for you for this conversation to happen. Well, and, you know, and then of all the people that I have, I felt comfortable coming out to,

there's only been one that stuck around for any length of time. But even now her and I have a distance between us because of a whole other set of stuff. Like, long story, short, she, the only person that I've come out to that was around for a long term and I showed any kind of like acceptance and even encouragement. happens to be my wife's step-sister. Oh my God. How did you wind up telling her? So I found she over the, she kind of, while she was around, she had, I'd heard things about

some of her friends and she actually has a trans friend. And so I was like, huh, I wonder like how she would react. And I took a gamble and I came out to her and she was like, oh my gosh, I could see that. Yeah. And she ended up being super, super amazing. she was one of my I don't say she was one of my best friends Did you know for sure that she never went and said anything

to your life? Oh I know she Yeah because she was she was the best Okay cool yeah I understand And she I don't know how many pulled this off She brought me two garbage bags full Two garbage bags full of like her old clothes Oh my head And like we went through them and she was amazing

Yeah But then like her and her dad and her step out of my wife's mom. They had a huge falling out and she like basically ran away and things like that. There was a huge thing and my wife was like, like, we need to cut her

out of our life and I'm sitting here. Oh no. She's failed the lifeline. And we tried to continue talking and well that got out at the same time as all the other stuff because my wife went through my phone and found my old messages. And then she forbid you to talk to her?

Yep. And, and she, like, her and I, the step-sister and I were like, we were both like, look, this, like, we probably crossed some lines of, like, confidentiality, like, just at different times or another, spilling our guts to each other. I'm having a rough time. My life is daddy, yada, or she's having a tough time with my. And so there was some like spillover of like definitely sharing some inappropriate things. And, and that we probably shouldn't have been. And so like, we kind of both agree. Like, we need to like not talk. It's a hard position and it's sad because you really only had this one person to confide in. And she was really cool with you and accepting. And that's really important to have that person

your life unfortunately there's this whole other thing like you said that was going down with her is the fact that she's like related to your wife so therefore anything you say to her becomes inappropriate because it's your fucking wife and you're keeping a secret from it so there lies the only problem in this situation and that's so unfortunate uh that that had to be a part of it because to lose somebody like that is probably devastating for you yeah it sucked and it's It's still been hard. Yeah. I sent her, I did send her a message actually just last week, just saying, hey, just so you know, I've gone into, like, actual, like, gender-related therapy now.

And it felt weird to not tell you, but I understand if you don't respond. But it's one of those things where it's just like she was such a helpful outlet. And it feels weird to call her that because obviously she was more than that. She was my friend and things like that. but like for her being such a, such a key part of like me coming to terms with this, it felt weird to not tell her. So I had to tell her. Of course.

All of a sudden. And it's not like you guys had a falling out. It's really on your wife's side. And now your wife is not only you can't have me in the family if you're that way. You can't even have my step sister. It's kind of like it sucks for you. Yeah. Yeah.

It's been tough for sure. Yeah. Listen, I could understand your wife like all. of this sort of coming at her out of nowhere. I'm not saying that like she's completely wrong, but it is unfortunate. No, and I want to if anybody

ever figured out of me, my life is amazing. She's an incredible mom. She's a fantastic wife. And I understand like when we got married, that was not what she signed up for. She didn't sign up for me being a woman. She signed up for me being who she thought I was.

Well, listen, just in the way you got to look at it is this way because I think both sides in these kinds of situations, whether it's the parents or the spouse of the trans person, it's going to be difficult for both sides. Look, it's taken you your whole life to figure it out. Your wife's not going to figure it out in one day. Like, you haven't even figured it out yet. You know what I mean? Think about how hard it has for you to come to terms with it. So you have to understand that the person on the other side has their own issues with it as well. You hope that you eventually work it out. And in the perfect world, yeah, you would have told her straight from the start and everything, but that's not reality.

It all fucking blew up in your face. And now here you are. I still want to go back to some of the beginning stuff, but let me ask you this, because she did give you that ultimatum. You said, I'm going to stay with the family. I'm going to give it up. Like at this point, does she think that you could just give up Jessica? Does she think that you're ready to be a cis male and that's who you are and you're not

like Jessica? I think so. And I, yeah, I think that's how she's looking at it. Because I don't, I don't think she, I don't think she fully understands, like, how, like, deep this really is. Yeah, she doesn't go to therapy with you? No, no, this is, this is something I guess, honestly, she doesn't know that I have, I've reached out for LGBT therapy directly. Because, because, again, her, her view of it is so narrow. I don't know if that's the right word.

She's closed off to it. She's just very close to it. Yes. So even me like seeking help in as much as that goes, like she would be very much red flagged on that and very uncomfortable with that. Because God forbid they're talking you into being Jessica. As far as she's concerned, it's either you're not Jessica or bye-bye. Like there's really no in between. But listen, I really wonder.

because as much as you don't want to lose your family, do you think she wants to lose you so much? I just wonder if you really got to the point. And you're not there yet, I get it. But if you really said, you know what, I can't not be Jessica and this is who I want to be. And maybe there could be some sort of compromise where you're Jessica. I don't know if there is a compromise or how far you want to take it.

But I just wonder if you did sort of become very clear and give her the ultimatum and come from a place of what you want, whether she'd easily walk. You don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I think she would. I think it would be a very big struggle for her. If you were to give her an ultimatum,

what does your world look like if you had what you wanted? Like you're fully transitioned. You're Jessica sometimes. You're Jessica all the time. Like she's married to a woman now. What would you want her to accept? for you to feel like you didn't have to lead a double life? That she would accept, that she would at least accept me as, as Jessica at home.

I could understand if it was like, hey, if we're going to family, let's try to like not. Because I don't, I feel like, I feel very much like an anomaly within the trans community in that I don't feel like major dysphoria when somebody calls me by my, by my male name. I don't feel. Okay. I don't feel. And maybe that's because I've lived that way for so long that it's just, okay, yeah, whatever. Or maybe not.

Maybe it's because you're okay being. Like maybe there's a spectrum and maybe you fall somewhere else on that spectrum. And that's okay. That's where you're at now. But that's what's interesting to me because it does sound like there is a compromise someplace that she doesn't know about. Maybe that could work with her. Like maybe given that scenario, she'd be. be okay with it rather than lose you totally.

Because that's something in the middle of, I have to be a totally trans woman, and I'm going out with you as a woman, and now you're in a lesbian relationship. Because that's a big thing for her. That's not what she signed up for, too. You just have to deal with me being Jessica at home. Ultimately, it would be hard for me to not be Jessica

outside of the home because in the ideal world, like I'm at least partially physically transitioning. I'm at least wearing dresses. I'm at least being the girl that I envision myself being at more than just at home. When do you do that? When do you dress up without her knowing? Well, for a time, it was whenever she would, like, if she was leaving the house for some reason and the kids were asleep, if I was ever at home alone, like, that was the big time.

There was a short period of time where I was working nights. I was working or I was doing something else during the day and couldn't be my normal day job during the day. But they worked with me to say, hey, you're a closeworthy employee, whatever, you come in at night. And so that's what I was doing. And so when everybody else would leave and it was just me, I would take advantage of that to go ahead and I would have clothes stashed in the car and I would go get them and then change. Oh, my God. If your work has had cameras in there. Oh, if they had cameras, yeah.

They would have seen everything. They would have been seeing something so interesting. What the fuck's going on? Because probably, I wonder, like, in your regular life, like, would people that don't know, would they be shocked? I don't know. Like, how do you present? Yeah, yeah, that's what they would be. They would be completely full.

They'd be like, wait, what? Did he look at that? Like, that's what they would be. Right. That's what they would be saying. Right. Because when you're out as Joe Schmoe or whoever you are, like, you're manly. No one would ever get it.

Like you don't act effeminate or anything like that. Right. Like I'm still skinny and I'm skinny as a rail. It works fantastic for when I want to put on a dress. Yeah. Yeah. But when it's when I'm normal, quote unquote, it's, yeah. No one would guess that you have this other side.

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chat with somebody or that i was watching porn and then she was very concerned like what kind of porn are you watching watching like hardcore no mostly it's girl on girl a lot of and then there was like a lot of like trans on girl porn because hey that was like in my in my brain that was like hey that's me that's that's what i want right there at least in the sexual realm and so when you have those conversations with her are they very like one-sided and you're not copping to anything because if i was yeah i was very open well yeah this is what i was doing this is what i did know this is what i definitely did not do this is what i was i never i never met up with anybody directly in person ever did anything like that like it's like it's still no there was no physical lines broken or anything like that ever but it was

she was still like it was i was very upfront with a lot of that and she was just like she's like once when i when i when i when i now that i've seen all this it's kind of makes sense why you were so like protective of your phone why you're so like private about things like that that was that there was yeah that was very that was very open but it was still like she was she was she was more more concerned with the okay if it if it's like a she she understood it as okay this is just a sexual thing for you I don't think she understood it like as a full this is my like who I want to be or who I at least want to explore being well that's what I mean by like how is the conversation are you being honest or or are you holding back because you know she's totally closed and just

assuming she would never understand it so you don't even bother yeah I definitely think I was in the moment, definitely holding back a lot more because I was very scared, very afraid, very, oh my gosh, my entire world is being uprooted. So I, in those moments, definitely. But in some of the conversations we've had since then, I think I've tried to be a little more, a little more open and a little more honest about it. And I don't know if she's hearing it or, or if it's, if it's, maybe I'm still being more reserved than I thought. And now, would you ever think to ask her if she'd, come to do therapy with you? Like if you guys could do

a couple therapy, so you could talk a little bit more about this part of you so that you don't stray in the future like you could kind of really propose it that way? I have thought about it. My fear is that she would also be very just closed off to the, to

any kind of therapy that would be pro or even be open to that for me. Like she's, she's, I very much ended up with the I think my wife became more and more conservative and more and more traditional in the sense the longer we were married. Oh, really? Yeah, she, yes.

And maybe partially to my fault as I was like through various points in my life again trying to deny that side of me like, okay, I'm going to steer into this, steer away from it as hard as I can. And then that ended up steering her into it. Like what? When you get really religious or something? Well, yeah, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Wrong move,

wrong move, Jessica. Yeah. You were going the opposite to really conceal. Yeah. Yeah, interesting. So, and it's definitely

so she's not very open to even even the idea of like, okay, a counselor that might entertain the LGBTQ stuff. Like she would just, yeah, she's just very, very closed off to a lot of that.

Yeah, that's a problem. Yeah. That's a problem for you. Because don't you have needs? Do you really think that Jessica is never going to want to go online and talk to somebody else? Now you're really fucked because you don't even have that step sister with you. I mean, thank God you're in therapy and you have that person to talk to, right?

Yeah. But you need help. Like you need an outlet. You need to figure this stuff out. Yeah. And it makes that ultimatum kind of loom overhead. But you're going to have to start realizing, Jessica, that you can have your own ultimatums. You know what I mean?

Like you have to, and I just think because you're still feeling so not accepting of your own self yet that you can't sort of put it out there and be like, fucking accept me or I'm gone. You don't have that. You're not at that place yet. But you can be and you have every right to be because you're you. you just like she has every right to tell you that. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you can understand her standing up for what she wants, but there's a world that exists where you come from that same place. Listen, this is what I want and this is what I want and this is who I am. And if you don't

like it, well, then I leave. But I think you have to get clearer about where you're at. I always say this and I think it's very true that people that are sitting across from you and the reactions that have to who you are are very in line with how you feel about yourself. A lot of times people, when they do come out and they're ready to come out, they realize everyone's so accepting. And I'm always like, that's because you had finally accepted it yourself. But when you hear people coming out because they're outed like you were, and it wasn't like the right fucking time, you have all of this confusion. Your wife's confused. She doesn't fucking get it. She doesn't want it. There's a part of you that feels that way about yourself. Sure. Sure. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. So the more work you

could do with that fucking therapist, just dealing with your own self and coming to terms with who you are and accepting that part of you, the more clear you could be with yourself is the more clear you're going to have reflected back at you. And whether that's, oh, you bring that to your wife and she's like, I'm out. Well, then you're out to live the rest of your life in a better way. Somehow that's more true to you. And maybe it'll be 10,000 times happier and clear. You haven't gotten there yet, but thank God you're in therapy. Thank God you're in with a therapist that will help you discover who you are and isn't against this. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Because you need to do what you need for yourself. Because your wife is doing what she needs for herself. And like I said, I am not against your wife. I could feel for her. If she was on this conversation on the call and I was talking to her, I would completely understand her place. as you do too. You're not here trashing your wife. You understand it. But you're

going through all this too. And I feel for you and you have to take care of yourself for once and for all. You're still young. Listen, you're 35. You've got kids. You got a white. It sounds like it feels like you're probably really old because you got like this whole thing going. But you're still young in life. When I bend down, my knees hurt.

Oh, that only gets worse. Okay, you're what? 33? How old are you? Oh my God. You better work out if your knees are hurting in your 30s. You're going to be fucked by the time. you're 50 but listen you need to figure your shit out now like in a weird way thank God you were outed because maybe you would have kept living

this double life and you have never gotten to the place where you could figure it out it's kind of like that was the beginning of the end but not the beginning of the end of a great thing maybe it's the beginning of the end of all your fucking confusion and your whole life of not knowing who the fuck you are. And 10 years from now, when you're in a great place and you're Jessica and you have

your family or another family or whatever, wherever you're at and you're clear and you're okay and you have accepted yourself, you'll look back and be like, that whole thing that happened was the best thing in a weird way because it kind of forced you to do what you needed to do. It sounds like all your life you've been running away, even to like religion and the extremes and doing stuff and even to porn. Like you said, it's not even who you are. You're not a porn addict, But that was like the only way for you to get to this part. So you got to clean all this up and get clear. And you're going to do that in therapy.

You need help. You can't do that yourself. That's like heavy shit to work through, especially because you were alone with it all of your life. That's a hard road to go down. And I think it's really difficult because kids go through it very alone when they're young. And you were dealing with that and then everything else. And now here you are 30. It's thrown in your face.

And now you got to work it out. but I feel like in a weird way, it's kind of good that you're at this place, but you need to keep going in the direction of not going back to that old life of keeping it under the table and living in denial and all that stuff. Because the truth is it's not going to go away. You're going to wind up doing the same thing to your wife. Like you got to start eventually being honest with your wife on some level of this fantasy land, if she's in fantasy land of thinking that,

you could just deny this part of yourself and just to be Joe or whoever you are in regular. Like, it's not going to, that's not going to happen. It's not the truth in any way, shape, or form. You can't will it away. Sorry. Like, it's not, you know that. You know that. No, yeah.

She needs to know that when you're ready. I get that maybe tomorrow you're not going to go and say, hey, put it out. But you need to work on getting strong enough to start being more honest in your conversations with your wife. And that's not only helpful for you, but it's also helpful for her. Like I get that that's a real fucking tough thing to swallow as a woman. You know what I mean? For sure.

And it might take her time. But you never know until you start giving her more of the truth what she can handle. And you don't know what's going to happen. There's a big chance she might never be able to accept it. That's what you think right now. But there is a chance that over time may be effaced with the thing of a complete losing you and being divorced or staying and letting Jessica dress some time and just be Jessica at home. It's not like you want to go hook up with men. You're a trans woman that's still

interested in fucking her, right? Like you're attracted to your wife. You have good sex, right? That's all going to stay the same. Maybe she'll wind up being okay with that. Like right now she kind of holds all the cards because you've never given her the ultimatum. And you have sort of said, okay I'll do that but you don't know what she how she will definitely be faced with that that ultimatum from your end but you have to start being more honest with her about yeah how you feel and what this really means about you I think you could be honest about your relationship like about the like how you needed that step sister like how important it was that relationship just because you need someone to accept you for who you are like that's your wife she should be that person for you

I think what happens in a situation like this is it does become like her against you because you were living a secret life. There's this whole betrayal that she feels. Like I get it, right? It's like you said, it's the talking, it's the lying. So she's got to get past all that before she could just feel for you and your own journey of being Jessica. But eventually, she needs to understand that this is a tough thing that you have dealt with your whole life. And if she loves you, maybe she could help you work through. it. I don't know. Listen, you're the father of her babies. Whether she leaves you or not, you're always going to be.

So at a certain point, she needs to know the real Jessica and like how hard this has been for you, like all that stuff. Maybe she will be more compassionate. For her, it's just a sex thing. And you were sexting people. It's a, it's a very one-note thing that she sees right now because you're, and it's your fault, really, because you haven't been very. honest with her. All she saw was the fucking sex sting and the pictures and all that shit. She doesn't understand the emotional aspects. It's probably the stuff that happened to when you were younger. All of this stuff. You can't go there because right now she's fucking jilted. You cheated on her. Kind of like any woman would feel that way. So you got to give her time to get past that. But eventually you start, you have to start being honest with her. And if she really cares about you,

she'll eventually start to understand that stuff too. If you make it like I said, said not so about sex and make her really understand that this has been a real difficult thing for you, emotionally. Yeah. Right. Well, the, the difficult thing, I see, I see if she goes out with friends, I never got to do that. I've never been able to get all dolled up, put on it, put on nice dress, put on nice makeup, look pretty, and go out with my friend.

I've never been able to do that. And there's nothing, nothing sexual about that, but it's, it's something that I missed. or never I've had. So I don't, I guess I've missed it. I just missed out on it. And that's, but that's something that I wish I could do. Just like one,

at least once. Let me at least, is that really what I want? I don't know. Yeah, and the truth is, Jessica, I bet you if you were able to do that and we're in doing that and

could came home and could go home and then fuck your wife. Like you wouldn't have been sexting with anybody. No, no. I'd be, I would have been on card nine. Yeah, exactly. Because it's not just like you, You just want to, because you have what you have, like you have intimacy with a female.

That's what you like. Yeah. With your wife. It's really just expressing yourself as Jessica dressing up and like you said, the companionship, the reading the magazine. That part of you, that was little, that was like you just want to be like a girl and do girly things. And I'll say this, that some of the best sex that her and I have ever had has been after times where I was able to like be like that more. Even if it was still in secret, like, if I had spent the day. or if it was a day that I had managed to wear something sexy underneath my regular boy clothes or whatever, which I've done many of times.

But I'd go home and I would change out of that so I didn't get caught in it. And then if we had sex, it was some of the best sex we would ever have because I felt more like me after all that. Well, that's the whole point. I feel if you could give her time to get past like the betrayal and a lot of the things and then you could start bringing her into events. the reality of the situation and be more honest. If you could get to the point where she could hear these things, like maybe she would see things differently. You haven't ever given her that chance because you have never really been honest with her.

Correct. Yeah. And you have to be. Yeah. What is your therapist say? Totally. Basically that. Well, I mean, we've only met maybe two times.

So, like, the first time, it was, most of it has so far been, like, back story. Explaining, yeah. I'm from all that stuff. So we haven't get to, you give me more advice than he has at this point. Yeah, yeah. That's why I didn't become a therapist because, listen, therapists have to make money and they just fucking listen to you

and they wait for you to come to their own conclusions because they need you as like ongoing clients. I get to shove my opinions down your throat and tell you what I fucking think. That's what I always wanted to be a therapist. But when I realize that's not what you do as a therapist. You do what your therapist does. It's just that.

I was like, oh, fuck that. I like to do this. Like I like to just like sort of empower people and give them my thing and then fly be free go do your thing and figure it out but i do so much believe in therapy because listen that ongoing thing is very important it's what church is and temple is that once a week going someplace and doing this thing and quieting your mind like that's why church and the temple to people or wherever someone goes to worship that's why that is very therapeutic too for people it's the same thing with therapy it's like that once a week check in where everything else goes away and

there with therapy when you're doing therapy for yourself, it's a refocusing and you need to do it. And for you, you should probably be doing it two times a week. You need to live in this. This needs to be like your year, two years of like hard work for you to really be dealing with this and doing this for yourself to figure out the rest of your life. There are times in our life where we have to take care of business and do things outside. And there's times where you just got to be introspective and work on your fucking self. And those times are hard because everyone else is going on. life and you feel like you're just like sitting in the middle of a problem, but you are moving so

much when you're doing things like that. When you need to take this time to do it. And like I said, it could take a year, two years, but it needs to be constant therapy. And that's why a lot of times when you get with a really good therapist, like the expensive ones who really were like they're like, you got to come two, three times a week. But the reason why is because you got to stay in that data in that place to really work through stuff. And it could really help. Now, are you set up to at least see your therapist at this point once a week? No, well, so like right now, he kind of referenced me to kind of like a group thing just to kind of Well, that'll help.

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. And then with him, it's going to be like once a month or something like that. No, no, no, no, no. Why? They won't give you the benefits to do once a week? That right now, that's all I can do because of either work or work or kids and things like that. No, you need to figure out.

You can do it over the phone in your fucking car. You can't do it once a month. That's, well, the group thing is once a week, and then the individual one is once a month. Try to do the group thing. He leads the group thing, too. Yeah, I get it. I get it. But you need to just be really, like, listen, I love the group thing, too, for you.

I just think you need more than once a week. And if the once a week is the group thing, that's great. There's nothing like a group to make you feel not alone, and you could learn so much by listening to other people and you could work things off with them. That's very valuable. but there's something else in the one-on-one therapy where you really need to just talk about you and it be all about you for 45 minutes and you should be doing that more than once a week and more than once a month now if you can sorry it'll really help speed the process because

you need to figure this shit out and work on it and get to a place like I said where you understand it yourself so that you could then bring it to your wife and be honest with her and start working it out with her and you owe that to her yeah no yeah Yeah, you're right. Yeah, definitely. You owe that to her because the way it came out and the way she found out about it and everything is so unfortunate. But it's not really like the truth of the situation, like you said. It's not about sex, but that's all she sees it. And because whenever the conversations come up about it, because you're so insecure about her ever accepting it and you're so insecure about it yourself, I think, just for yourself, you don't sort of stand up for it and you don't try to explain it.

and you don't advocate for the truth at all, ever. Yeah. Yeah. Even though you have opportunities. Like, these kinds of times are opportunities for you to bring up the stuff. And you need to do that. But, you know, and maybe you need that therapist on you, like giving you that homework to just do it and start doing it. But, and they could also help you get clearer with yourself.

I think the group thing helps. But I personally think you should be in one-on-one therapy if you can. It's 45 minutes of your time. You could find it. Yeah. People nowadays, you could do telehealth, right? Like you can call them on the phone, driving from work, can't you? Yeah.

Yeah. You have time to be Jessica at work late at night. Can't you call on therapy? Well, yeah. I don't know. I'm just saying that I really think they're still working. Yeah. If I was still working nights, oh my gosh, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. But, you know, I think if you told your wife, listen, I'm going to a therapist and I'm really trying to get my head on straight to figure out what's going on here and work on myself and I need I'm going to start going to therapy once a week. She knows you go to the group thing. Is that what she knows now? No, no, she doesn't know that.

Okay. The fact that your wife doesn't even know that you're in therapy is just, it's, oh my God, you got to start with just being a little bit more honest. And I get that you're like afraid because she thinks anything that's like pro, that. But you have to start just saying this is what I'm doing. I need that part of me need some sort of acceptance. Yes. Yeah, you're right.

Yeah. you're not like literally you're not even being honest with the fact that you're in therapy because you believe and know that if she knew that it was like a group therapy with a bunch of other trans she'd be like no fucking way or you go in there which you might say that but you got to you got to say listen I need this right now because I need to figure it out this is because this is something that I've had since I'm little because this is something that's not just about sex because this is something blah blah blah like you have to start having those conversations with her. her. Yes. No, I do. Again, right now in this very moment, she's eight months pregnant. So I'm not going to sprint that. Oh, my God. The poor girl, eight months. So in the middle of her, like right in the beginning of her pregnancy, she found out this whole thing about you? Yeah. Oh, my God. What a fucked up time you guys are going through. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was fun. It's been fun. Well, imagine for her with all her months. Okay. Wait until that. that baby's six months, but don't, like, there's always going to be reasons and stuff.

And I, you know, as somebody, you have to pull the bandit off at some point. Yeah, and you are someone that has never wanted to, no matter what has happened to you. You've done everything, even gone into religion to try and hide it. So I think you're always going to find ways that's like your go-to, to be as in denial as she wants to be about the truth. But, you know, someone needs to live in fucking reality. Okay. you are Jessica, you want to be Jessica, you don't need to be Jessica 100% of the time, which I think is interesting and I think she doesn't understand that and maybe like I said at some point you could

explain that to her more but you got to explain all of it to her at some point and you have to start being more honest and maybe that's just about group therapy or about something. You got to start having the balls to stand up for Jessica and be more honest about who you are. Sure. Do I have to have the balls for it or can I just yes you have balls I do unfortunately you have the balls unfortunately but thank God you got the skinny body I got I know a lot of

cross dressers because I have a lot of cross gestures like who love to cross jess but they like big beefy dudes and they don't they hate it because they're not that wafy body you got a good body I have a very skinny body but the princess wand is blown out oh oh my god hilarious so it's hard to hide your

big cock. It can be at times, but I've seen wise. Oh my God. That is hilarious. And not that I should indulge this side of things, but hey, the ladies that have seen it that knew is there were not disappointed. Yeah, no, it's like the best. Yeah, girls are like big guys with big dicks. That's like a good thing.

Maybe your wife. Listen, there's not a lot of guys out there with big dicks. Most guys don't have big dicks. You don't know. You're my, the fact that you have a big dick, like, you know, she might be why she doesn't leave you at the end of the day. Because listen, let me ask you one last question. You don't want to fully transition.

Like, would you, like, if you live the rest of your life as Jessica with the big dick and like a trans woman, like that, would that be cool? I would be fine with keeping that. I could do it without the balls. They're, like, I find they get in the way if I'm ever trying to finger myself or anything like that. It's kind of annoying me. But the rest of it can stay. I'm not, I'm not bothered by it. I'm bothered by the body hair that comes with it.

but that's everybody has body hair or whatever. But there's other parts of me that bother me that I want to change and would like to definitely be more feminine, but I have never felt any discomfort with that part. There's other things that I want to do with her. Like, I don't want to always be the one how to give. Like, I would love to, I would love for her to just bend me over and take you. Oh, okay.

Peg you and stuff, you mean? Yeah. If we're off that can of worms as a whole other, yeah. But, like, I had my own, I had my own dildo at one point. Had to get rid of it. I had my own but blow at one point. Had to get rid of it. Like, I've, I, I've, she knew about it.

She found out about it because she's like, wait, that's mine. I'm like, oh, she saw it in a picture. And she was like, that, that's mine. Like, no, no, it's not. Oh, my God. Yeah. Listen, there's a great book. I think it was Dr. Joe Cort, the guy's bit of my show.

He wrote a book about cross-dressers and stuff for women. for women who are married to men. And maybe it's got trans women in there, too. I don't know. But I feel like you just need to start educating your wife a little bit more on all this stuff. Because naturally, if, like, you are Jessica, you are going to probably want to be pegged and all that other stuff.

But that's like down the line. You know, just being honest about everything else and not make it about sex because that's the last thing she's interested in right now because you were like sexually cheating on her and that was horrifying. You don't want to go to what you want sexually from her as Jessica. You know, what you need to explain. right now is like the emotional aspect and all of those layers and all that stuff you got to explain now because this is your wife and she loves you on some level and if she could get when she's

able to get past the betrayal and all that stuff and if she's really listening to you she'll feel for you because it's a hard place that you've been in your whole life yeah and i i there's a part of me that believes that and then there's a part of me that that's that big conflict that i'm always dealing with her, can I, can I save this in front of her? Will it, will it cause issues? Will she, well, and so like, yeah, yeah, definitely. Yeah, you have to, like, you have to just take the balls and jump off the cliff and let, you know, let it happen and see where it happens. And maybe at first she will give you exactly the worst reply that you think, but maybe later she'll come around. You just don't know until you actually do it. You know, we can sometimes sit there and just

expect that, you know, sort of go over conversations in our brain and we all do it, right? and just imagine how it's going to go and we believe it's going to go. But you don't know unless you actually give out that first sentence and have the actual conversation. And then maybe you're surprised. And maybe you're not. Who knows? But you'll never know until you start doing it. And the problem here is you have never done it with your wife.

You've never been honest. And it's a problem of you, like I said, not being clear with yourself. And that's why you need the therapy to start to become more secure in yourself about who you are. So then you could go do that with your wife. For sure. Absolutely, yeah. Okay. I love this conversation. I think it's going to be super helpful for a lot of people to hear. It'll definitely go up very soon on my Fetish Friday episode. If you want to send in anonymous picks for my Patreon, you can. I don't know if you're into that.

But I have that. If I had me, maybe. Yeah. They're all deleted. I don't think I have any. Yeah, yeah, I get it. You were recently busted. All right. Well, I will give you access to my Discord free access if you want to go in and talk to people there after. A lot of my cross-dressers would probably relate to you because some of them, like I think they all fall on a spectrum. Some of them want to transition.

A lot of them don't. But you did dress. So if you want to free access that, I will give it to you. And I'll let you know, though, when it's going to go up probably in the next two weeks. Okay. Okay. Sounds good. Thank you so much.

Yeah. Keep me posted. If six months from now you start having those conversations, I think like a part two would be amazing because you never know. Let me know. Keep me posted when you start to be, when you start to be, when you start. start to have those real conversations. I'm curious of what happens and good luck to you and get in therapy long more than once a month. Okay, please. Yes, I will do my best. Okay. Thanks, Jessica. Thank you.

Bye. Thank you. Bye. Bye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called strictly anonymous confession, secret sex lives of total strangers is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audio book. It's still not going to be out to August 25th, but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like

Penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short. Chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is. available coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay, there's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content

with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook,

the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at Gmail. and I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. Hey, everyone. Strictly Anonymous Podcast is looking for people to call into the show. So if you lead an interesting, naughty secret life that you want to talk about while

remaining anonymous or not anonymous, if you're out and proud, that's cool too. Send me an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. that's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com or go to my website strictly anonymous podcast.com and click on be on the show. If you have a short confession that you want to get off your back, call my confessions hotline. 347, 4203579. That's 347, 4203579. You could call that number 247. I change all the voices on the confessions too, so you remain anonymous. If you want to follow the show, follow me at strict Anonymous on Instagram or Twitter, that's at Strict Anonymous. If you want to sign up for my Patreon on my Patreon, you are not only supporting my show,

but you will get these episodes early, ad free, and you get to see anonymous picks of my guests. Most of the girls send in anonymous picks and some of the guys send an anonymous picks. So if you want to see anonymous picks of my guests, as well as support my show and get these episodes early and ad free, sign up for my Patreon. Patreon. Strictly Anonymous Podcast. That's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast.

The link is also in the description below. Thanks so much for listening.