Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 906 - How to Navigate Swinger Parties, Swinger Apps, Swinger Hook-ups and More w/Mizzy from Mindbender Parties

Episode Date: August 28, 2024

Mizzy Bender, from MindBender Parties called in to discuss how to navigate the swinger lifestyle. The diseases swinger apps, swinger parties, swinger profile red flags anymore. Tune in to hear all the details including how and why some younger people don’t like the swinger, how Mizzy likes to label herself, how she plays in her ethically non-monogamous relationship with her partner, the best places to meet people to hook up with in the lifestyle, the apps to use and the research you need to do, the lifestyle groups you can join and why they’re beneficial, how to use adult dating sites to fond people in your area, how and why swinger parties are all so different, how her swinger parties are set up and why and how parties vary a lot, how and why she sees a lot more younger at her parties, how she feels about guy in guy action in her world, what to do and what not to do when trying to meet people on adult dating apps, how and why it’s important to set up rules and boundaries, tips on how to pick up and treat a female unicorn, how and why a couple should have a group convo going when talking to potential play partners, the red flags to look for when meeting people in the lifestyle at clubs/parties and on the apps, how to spot fake profiles online and vet people, how and why Mizzy and her guy prefer to meet people at her parties as opposed to online, how they’re work when it comes to STI testing with their play partners plus a whole lot more. To find out about her events and her podcast and everything else, click here: https://www.mindbenderparties.com To see pics of MIZZY BENDER and see pics of my previous female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Want to be on the show? Email me at [e-mail] or go to http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com and click on "Be on the Show" Have something quick you want to confess while remaining anonymous? Call the CONFESSIONS hotline at 347-420-3579. You can call 24/7. All voices are changed. Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Avocado Mattress.com. I'm always looking for interesting callers. If you have an interesting, naughty secret life that you want to talk about or not secret life that you want to talk about, you could be on the show. It's called Strictly Anonymous because people who want to remain anonymous do. I change everyone's voices. I'll change your name. You could call me from a block number.

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People get to talk to each other and post whatever they want. All the adult stuff and all the X-rated stuff goes on my Discord. So if you want to see X-rated stuff picks of my guests, those are on Discord. If you want to see X-rated picks of all my listeners, those are on my Discord too. There's a lot of different channels going on there. There's all kinds of channels there with all kinds of stuff. So whatever floats your boat, you're going to get it over on Discord, and you get to participate and talk to other like-minded people. Like I said, all of that is available on my Patreon.

It's only $7 a month. You get all of that. It's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. That's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. You'd sign up and cancel whenever you want. The last thing I want to tell you about is that I can offer you now a free trial to sdc. SDC.com is the biggest adult online community hookup web. websites, okay? And what's great about it is it's not just like a hookup site. You could definitely

meet other like-minded people in the lifestyle there, but you also get information on all of the events and stuff going down in your area or anywhere in the world. So if you're traveling and you want to know if there's a swingers party or club in that area, you're going to find it on SDC. You find it about munches and meet and greets and hotel takeovers and gangbangs and you're going to see who's going to them, okay, because people will sign up through the website. So it's everything you need if you want to get into the life cell and more on sdc.com. And if you sign up through my show, you get a free trial. So you could check it out. All you got to do is use my code 37712. That's 377.1 to use my code on SDC. Or the easiest way is just go to the description and click on the link and you're going to

get your free trial for SDC to check it out. See if you like it. If not, you don't have to join. So anyway, Today I have on Missy Bender and we talk about so many interesting things on this episode. What I love about Missy, she's young and she got into the lifestyle with her partner a long time ago and they started throwing swinger parties and we've talked specifically about swinger parties and what to do, what not to do at swingers clubs and stuff before. But on this episode, we just talk about the lifestyle in general. Like not only does she throw swinger parties and events, she is in the lifestyle, her and her guy. They have a female unicorn they play with. They have guys that they play with. They have

couples that they play with. And she talks all about that. She gives, I have a lot of questions that newbies would have when entering into the lifestyle. And she answers them all from her experience, both as someone that's in the lifestyle, as well as somebody who works events and knows a lot about the community in general. You're going to learn so much. It's packed with useful information. You're going to love Mizzy. She's great. She has a own podcast. She has a their own parties. There's going to be a link to all her stuff in the description. But you're going to love the episode. So I'm going to be right back on with Mizzy. Hi, Missy Bender. Welcome back to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. How are you today? Oh, it's so great. I am so excited to

be here. I always love when I get to talk to you. So yay. I love talking to you. What I love about you is like you're super young, but very much involved in the swinger lifestyle. Like, not only do you swing with your guy. And I have your whole backstory on a past episode. I'll put that number in the description. But you also host your own swinger parties. And I have to tell you, Missy, I do talk about your parties on my show because a lot of times, yes, I say go to Missy's party. Look up for hers if you're on the northeast in the northeast because like I've been, I get a lot of younger people on my show lately and they're always like, oh, we're looking maybe for younger couples and we're always getting hit up by older people. And I'm like, it really depends on the

party and stuff. And you've got to look around. And I'm like, I feel like I see pictures of Missy's parties all the time. And it always looks like a lot. lot of young hot people there. Oh, it's like, look. It's a Mizzy's thing. And so we're going to talk about like the lifestyle in general because like I said, not only do you throw swingers parties and we did a whole episode, I'm telling you that episode you did with me where you gave all the swinger party advice, like you talked about

all the rules and the stuff that nobody would know unless you like were a professional. We have that episode. But this one we're going to talk about the lifestyle in general because you don't just throw parties, you also are a swinger. And what I want to start off. with though because I keep saying the word swinger and recently I had one of those couples on that were looking finding it hard to find people in their age range or that that they wanted to play with right they were looking for a unicorn and they also hated the word swinger and I feel like it is a very

old school word and I'm an older person but I don't get insulted by younger people wanting new and different things I totally fucking get it is there lingo in your age range that is better that you use Well, you know what it is? I think it's a bigger thought process to it, right? Because the swinger definitely is a very underground terminology or origination is an umpteen amount of years ago. And so you do have that shift of the veteran swingers with the new generations, starting with the millennials down into all these new gens that have a way different mindset.

These generations now are very much. much more open-minded. They're very much more free-flowing. They like to have a purpose, a cause. They're not really more like they're not looking to build families. They're not looking to have babies. They may be more want for babies. So their mentalities are very, very different. So the word swinger, for them, it wouldn't resonate because they're just living their lives, how they just feel like life is. And I think that that's a really hard thing for people to understand unless you are these generations. Like I happen to be on the brink of millennials on the higher side of the age range. But I still can resonate with new and old. And I understand both

points of views. So I could see where Swinger would make you go a little bit bonkers because I actually had a really hard time with it myself. And funny enough, like I did talk about it in therapy because I really wanted to try and understand why I was struggling with it so much. And for me, it's because I don't want to be labeled. I want to be able to wake up in the morning. And if I feel like I want to have a threesome with another girl, do I have to label myself bisexual? Or can I just say I'm just having fun in life and I'm just being me and I'm just living for who I am? Or if we want to go in couple swap and it be like a full on swap, do I have to identify myself as Swinger that day because I just changed what it is that I'm doing for that particular play style

in the moment. So I think it's a much bigger picture and can understand migrating away from that terminology and going to ethical non-monogamy, which is the overall branching, E&M. Like that's the umbrella. That's the umbrella. And depending on your age, whatever word you want to use, you could use that, right? Exactly. A hundred percent. Exactly. Yeah. I do think Swinger sounds like an old school word, right? Like when these young people have been saying to me, I'm like, I totally get it. And one girl was like, oh, we like intermingler or some word she just used that or something. Interesting. Yeah, I was like, oh, that's interesting. And I think to each their own. And I do think as you get older, you change and stuff. And I do think it's generational.

I'm an older person that I grew up with the word swinger. It's not, doesn't seem weird to me. But I get why younger people feel that way because they're born in a totally different time. Yep. Yep. 100% yeah and that that's exactly how I feel about it I would love if any of your listeners have a different point of view to bring it to the table because I really want to start learning and understanding more mindsets and the only way to do that is by having the conversations with so many more people so I would be really curious to see what others think so let's start talking about just the lifestyle in general because you live in the lifestyle do you like you and your guy you're married right your husband you have a husband right you're married okay and you have an open relationship. Unoffentially married. I don't want to lie, but. I think of you guys as married, but you have an ethically non-monogamous relationship. Yeah.

You guys, now remind us how you guys roll. Do you do threesomes? Do you play solo? Are you a strictly hot-wifing couple? What's your vibe? So we are a little bit of everything except for solo play. Neither one of us, neither one of us do that or want to do that. we could potentially get into in the future if the situation was right more of a hot

life situation where I would have a solo play date type of thing. I'm not really there yet. I do know that it's something that Spencer really would enjoy, but for me it would have to be like the perfect time, the perfect moment. I don't even know what the composition would be, but that would be the exception. Aside from that, we do have threesomes with females, with males. We do full couple swap. Yeah, so pretty much whatever.

kind of just flow. So you've gone out looking for men and women because a big question I get, and this is sometimes when I say, oh, go to Mizzie's parties or go to any kind of swing or party as opposed to apps. But apps are great too. And we're going to talk about both different places to pick people up. Finding the third can be difficult. Unicorns, the female unicorn is hard because there's not a lot of them. The male unicorn is hard because some of them are flaky. Like I've heard it all, right? Like finding that third person, like how do we find that person? And how do we is not get ghosted or have people be flaky. And sometimes I'm just, or go back and forth a lot and then you meet the person and you're

not interested. That's when I'm like, oh, go to a swinger's party. Then you're meeting them in person. But then there's, you know, navigating apps works too. What would you say like for people that are looking to find their third? Whether it's a male or a female, like what are the best ways you could recommend, you know, speaking in terms of, yeah, in all kinds of ways, apps, parties, whatever. Okay.

What would you say like for people that are looking to find their third, whether it's a male or a female? Like what are the best ways you could recommend, you know, speaking in terms of, yeah, in all kinds of ways, apps, parties, whatever. So my first thing is first, I would always recommend going to social media first, simply because that is your avenue to educate yourself a little bit. What are the clubs in your area? What do they allow? because if you are a couple and you're looking for a single male, not every club allows single men to attend. So you really have to kind of just educate yourself a little bit,

see what's in your territory. And then from there, once you know what you're working with, I encourage them to now go find that group or club or whatever it may be on social media somewhere. And check out their following. See what kind of posts they have going on. Engage in the community. Because this is when you're going to start to really show

show up, right? Like you're going to show like your screen name. People are going to get to be familiar if you continuously post or engage or have something to say. So I always like to start there. Specifically, like SDC is a really great resource because you can vet people. You can kind of narrow it down to your specific town area. I also want to make sure that everybody understands that maybe not necessarily you're going to have anything in the arm's reach. You may have to travel an hour. And it depends on what part of the country or world you're into because there's so many different rules. And it's, it just is, it just varies all over the place. So really checking that out and making sure that you have that mindset that you're willing to travel is,

is, is, is really important. And then also like the podcast and stuff, because if you do follow the podcast, you will start to learn about different communities. As you've mentioned, my parties, people can find Mizibender anywhere on social media. And there are discussions. There are all sorts of conversations. There's all sorts of learnings. And so that would be my recommendation. Put yourself out there, do some research, get yourself involved in some groups. And as you get yourself involved organically, you will start to make your connections. And it will become much easier. But you have to show up and do the work. You also can really look for meet and greets or munches, depending on where you are and what you're looking for. Those are really great locations.

They're usually in restaurants or something very vanilla. So, you can get a feel for individuals in a non-sexual environment, that's also really important because that alleviates the intimidation or whatever fears you may have by stepping into the environment for the first time. So it allows you to make an organic connection without being forced in any kind of way to take it to the next step. So that would be SDC, social media, Facebook, do some research and connect all those dots. And let me just say, because first of all, you're the one that turned me on to SDC. A lot of people brought it up. And then I've always been looking to sponsor a specific app for my show, but I always wanted to make sure I was pushing

the right one because people are always looking for that information. What I love about SDC is people tell me, like, not only do you, can you meet people on there? You could also vet them because they do have reviews. Like you could post reviews for people. So you will see whether this person's going to fucking show up, right? And they've been doing this and they're a little bit professional. you could also find out about mindbender parties, your parties, right? And the swinger parties and the swinger clubs and the gangbangs being set up in your area, which is killer. And they did give me a free trial.

Everybody can use my code 37712 or go to the description, click on my link. You're going to get a free trial for SDC so you could like really check it out. And what's great about that is you could find out all those different things on there. But let me ask you, because you said meet and greets and munchens. And I think a lot of people, I remember when I first heard about a munch, I'm like, what the fuck is that? When you say meat and greets are munches or is there a difference between the meat and greets and the munches? You know what? They're the same thing.

But the meet and greets are on the swinger world and the munches. You hear more about that like on the kink side of things. So depending on, yeah, so depending on who your listeners are, I just wanted to make sure I captured it for both audiences. No, I think that's important. So if you're like into kink and BDSM, you're going to you're going to look for munches. If you're like looking for swinger, hotel take or swingers in your areas, you're going to go to the meet and greets. and those are like you said, just at a bar, people are meeting each other, and there is no SCX going down. Yeah, that's great.

And then those were all posted in SCC. People could find it, right? Oh, definitely. Yeah, there's a calendar of events. There's, it's pretty much set up almost like a Facebook where you have your wall that people are posting into the forum. So you can kind of see some upcoming events like that. You have your party forum. There's also a really great feature where they have a live.

So if you're interested in seeing what other people are up to, whether it's from an educational standpoint or a sexy standpoint, you can see that too. And so you'll see who like the viewers are and what kind of engagement there are. So there's a lot of different ways to tap into that website to really optimize your swinger adventures. And the next and amazing thing about that is, is if you're on SDC and you are a SVP to that particular event, you are automatically put into a group event messenger, like open messenger. Yeah, open messenger. And so you can even start communicating and having a social online meet and greet. And you can email, you could transfer pictures back and forth. You could do text. You could do whatever. But it's with

everybody that has RSVP. So it gives you kind of like a heads up to start your interactions and like really show like you're interested in meeting people. Maybe put a little bit about yourself in there or who knows. but it just gets the conversation going. So I like that feature. Yeah, I love that. And for like my younger callers who call it, oh, we're finding it hard to meet swingers that are younger around our age range. What I always say and tell me if I'm wrong and you might have better advice.

Like I'm just like, I think every swinger party, swinger event, hotel takeover is different. Isn't that true? They're ones that are younger based, right, older. I mean, it really, they're all so different, correct? You are absolutely correct on that. Some you have to submit photos to be accepted. some it is an age range some is you know specific races like which i kind of hate but we need scale we i love that about our parties i feel like we are like a melting pot of humans they are every

age range every body type like it is just so beautiful there is somebody for everybody there and they are beautiful humans everybody that comes and so yeah i will say though we do have a lot of younger individuals starting to rotate through. I feel like over maybe the last six months, we've seen a huge shift in a lot of newcomers into the E&M world. And specifically, they are the younger generation. So I think that we'll start to see more of that flow happen. I think that some of the veterans are getting to the point where they like more of the

house parties and more of like their intimate settings with their close groups versus coming out into the scene now, specifically because the mindsets are so different between the generations. So I see there's a lot of conflict, whether people want to see it that way or not, or viewpoints are just very different. It is putting a little bit of a divide and how everybody parties together and stuff. So I'm glad that we still capture some of it, but there is a huge shift happening. I'm actually, I'm really interested to see what the next six months brings, because I think that we're in just for like a really big, like pivotal moment in this lifestyle where I think what the shift that we see right now is just going to it's going to get greater and i'm just curious to

see how it's all going to shake out in the end do you think that guy on guy action will be more accepted i i really do hope so because especially you have so many more gay men and they're really embracing the gay how do like the feminine side of them and so i do believe that that is going to help eliminate the stigmas around it but i do also really feel it comes down to each one of these individuals where we're all in this lifestyle together and we all understand that we all have different things. And so at some point in time, a lot of these men have to start standing up and like really standing strong. Like I think about like women's rights and like all the different things that like we do to stand strong and who

we are and like what we're trying to overcome and all these different things. I want the guys to have that same power in that particular field. And I just don't know how to make it happen. And I just, and I'm not disrespecting anybody. If I said that the wrong way, that no means was that to be negative in any kind of way. Like, I just, I really wish there were more voices just to stand tall and just say, fuck this. Like, we are important too and our feelings and our bodies matter also. And so I just guys, like, really, like, we just need to stand strong together. And I'll be your leader, but we got to do it together.

Yeah. I get so many guys calling into my show that are having, unfortunately, doing it on the DL behind their eyes backs because they grew up in a time where it was extremely not accepted and it still isn't. I'm always like, why doesn't the publicists who worked for transgender people like go help the gay men because like, you know, there's a lot of other people that came up and came out and everyone's fucking cool with it and there's still this weird stigma attached to gay men and gay sex and I don't understand it. But let's move on anyway and let's talk about more things about people like navigating the lifestyle.

So when you're when people go in, are there any kind of. basic swinging rules that you would have and whether they're going to they're bringing people in and just doing something at home or going to swing or parties doesn't have to be specific to parties but like that you would say that newbies should follow or talk about or discuss yeah so it's I'm a little funny when it comes to the newbies in general my biggest thing and I always try and recommend for them to just observe for six months or so go to the parties and go to the different types of parties such as club hotel takeover maybe house party if you've come across one and just kind of take it all in because each scene does bring

something different. Each scene does kind of bring sort of different rules. Not really just not totally, but like when you go to the hotel takeovers, doors open, doors closed, like there are certain things that you do need to be aware of in the environment that are those kind of rules. So like just going and kind of experience each one of them and seeing what vibe you like, what atmosphere is going to make you feel most fulfilled in your swinger world journey here. But when you go to the club party, you do need to make sure that you're being aware of everybody around you and everywhere that you go. Like you don't touch anybody without consent.

Like you want to make sure you're keeping your boundaries in place and communicating well. If you are new, just make sure you share with others that you're new. Maybe this is might say this is your first event and you're kind of just trying to take in a scene. Is there any kind of insight to this? particular club that you can tell me for the evening. Try and have conversation with those around you because they'll be able to tell you how the night usually flows or like what you can expect of that

particular group or venue. And it just makes the night go a little bit easier for you. But really taking that time to observe and take all of this in and watching all those around you on how they interact and how do the playrooms work and just the whole operational aspect of the way. that the party flows, I think would be really beneficial for you. And what about for those people that are looking, maybe they're not even going to go to a club? They're looking for people online. What about what those people should do when they're talking to people online and maybe they're having a threesome or a couple swap with them?

So first things first, if you do meet somebody online, my first recommendation to you would be to make sure that they're real people, whether you ask to FaceTime quick or you ask them to hold up a very specific photo doing something that only that would meet your expectation. So that's where I would start because that is going to eliminate any ghosting that you might potentially run into. And what I find is if you start out on social media, unfortunately, there is the huge world of catfishing. And then there's also maybe some of those scared individuals that are, are nervous to actually follow through or just picture collectors. If you want to put that in the catfishing territory, I'm not sure.

I kind of feel like they're a little different. But you have a few different things that can go wrong on social media. So really ensuring the person is real is first things first. Then, yes, once you kind of like go through like your introductions, I would at that point in time lay out what the relationship composition is, what you're looking for and things of that nature just to make sure that the potential play partners, you know, thoughts also align with yours. And if not, then you can kind of cut it off right out of the gate and say, I'm sorry, this isn't going to match up. But I would definitely make sure you're very clear on all the things that are hard-nosed, super clear boundaries and things like that, like right out of the gate.

And don't you think that that also has to start with the couple, too, right? Even before that couple goes, they need to set up their own boundaries and rules and check in on that every six months because those can change over time. That's typically what I hear. That a lot of times the boundaries they set up in the beginning, some of them go out the window after their first hook up or. way later, right? Yeah, 100%. So a few things with the boundaries and rules. First thing is, is if you set up your rules and boundaries and you're at a party and you feel like you can kind of maybe flex that rule or boundary a little bit because you feel comfortable, don't do it at that time. Stick to your rules and boundaries and regroup with your partner afterwards or the next day and

say, this is how I was feeling in this moment. I really want to. wanted to shift this rule or boundary that we had because I think that I'm ready to whatever move forward, whatever it could be. And I just wanted to talk to you about it and see how you feel about it. Doing it in the moment, I think is a very emotionally wrong response because you're so heightened on so many different things. I don't think you're thinking clearly. So that would be my one thing that I always really try and call out with that. And then the other thing is, yeah, you want to make sure you're constantly checking in on the boundaries. or rules for that particular evening.

I recommend actually doing it before every event in the middle of the event and then afterwards because if you start to realize that there are going to be some individuals there that you have a connection with or are looking to make a connection with, aligning with your partner first just to say these are my thoughts and this is how I'm feeling and these are the individuals that I'm going to really look to interact with tonight and see how they're receiving. And then as the night goes on, just making sure nothing happened at the event. event that is going to deter either one of your guys's mindsets.

Anything happens at any point in time. So having that middle of the event check in, I think it's just like a really great healthy thing for the relationship. And then afterwards, on your way home or the next morning, it was a really great night. How did you feel about it? Is there anything that went on that made you uncomfortable? You were excited about or you want to explore further.

Yeah, I love that. And now because a lot of people are always looking for thirds, I have heard a lot of times I'm talking to the couples looking for the unicorns and telling me their experiences for the unicorns, but I once talked to a unicorn and heard something from her that I hadn't heard before and made me think, oh, I never thought of that. When she talked about the negatives of being a unicorn

and the way people treated her and what wasn't cool to her and like that a lot of people don't think about. Are there things that you could tell people, like whether it's the male or a female with the third, like how you should treat them, what you should do, what not to do, like to ensure a good threesome experience

and maybe get a regular in your mix and everyone be cool with each other. I think that the first thing you need to do when you're trying to interact with the unicorn is making sure that you're really sharing with her what the expectation is. What is her job here? What is the fulfillment that you're looking for from her?

Once you explain what it is that your relationship is looking for, it's now up to her to decide whether or not she can fulfill that aspect of it. Because you're asking a lot of her. You, she has to balance both of you. So now speaking specifically in terms of a true unicorn, a true unicorn is a bisexual female that plays with both partners. So she has a, she's a big job to do. She has to make sure she's equally showing each of you respect and love if that's what you guys require. If it's okay for her and the female to have more of an interaction over the male, well, then you can share that up front and have these kinds of conversations. It's really,

important to make sure everybody knows what their role is going to be and everybody accepts them. From there, if she is going to be a permanent or long-term part of your relationship, really communicating with her properly, I think is really important. For us, when we take our unicorn to an event, we take her home with us. At no point in time is she allowed to turn around and say, oh, I'm leaving with so-and-so. No, you came with us and you're going to leave with us, and that's for your own safety. If you want to do something different next time, you're more than welcome to make those connections and setups or whatever.

But when you're with us, this is what the circumstances are. And we're very clear about that because we feel responsible for you and we just want to make sure that you're safe at all times, being a single lady in this environment. The other thing is, is that she is a unicorn and you guys are going to an event together? Is she allowed to play with other individuals or is she strictly just your unicorn? You have to make sure that that's really clear, too.

because you don't want anybody to be in a very precarious situation where somebody did something wrong and they didn't realize it because the communication wasn't there. So it's really just a matter of making sure you're being super sensitive to her feelings, emotions, making sure she's taken care of and she's safe at all times and that you guys are keeping it balanced and feeling like everybody is doing their parts. I don't know if I answered it right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That totally makes sense. And what about this? because I've heard, like, a lot of times I'm talking to the male and sometimes I'm talking to

the female in a couple situation where they go out and they look for different people. And sometimes, a lot of times I hear that it's the guy communicating with the person on the other and trying to get them. And recently I had a guy on and he wasn't like having much luck and he was saying how his wife didn't want to get involved at all. And I was like, well, maybe they think you're full of shit. Do you recommend that if you are trying to score with some people online that both partners get involve in talk or is it does it not matter who does the talking and vetting and all that stuff be in

your relationship so ours is kind of weird because i guess that simultaneously happens together i'll give you an example so like the unicorn that we hang out with now we that came about because spencer had met her at one of our events and somehow they started messaging each other but spencer immediately was like, oh, this is outside of our rules. If we want to chat, like, I would really love to loop Mizzy into it and create a group chat. So he, like, kind of like automatically right out of the gate was just like, oh, I started talking to this chick. I wanted to loop her into a group message as soon as possible. So make sure we're all aligned. And then at that point in time, we take it to see like where things develop and what a friendship is. Like for us, we create

long-term friendships with our play partners. So our betting takes a really long time. Well, let me ask you this, because it's interesting. I like to hear your specific, the way you guys specifically do it, because I think that's always interesting. You have that boundary. So if he's not going to talk to the unicorn by himself and be like having some chick, hit him up separately by himself and like them texting,

like the minute someone comes in, whether it's a male or a female, like you guys are always both engaging at the same time. And I would think that that's probably the best way to do it. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, so even with our single guys, we're all in a group text message. And like we all send, well, not Spencer. Spencer doesn't.

But like the guys will send me pictures and I'll send them pictures, but Spencer's in it. Maybe he'll jump in and be like, hey, bro, hope you're having a great day or some shit like that or whatever. But he kind of just lets me do my thing, but he's there. And it is just a really great way for everything to just stay open and honest. If you're not doing anything shady and you guys are all following your rules and boundaries, well, then there's no reason not to go. into a group message. And I think that that's some of the communication parts that some of the newcomers miss. Yeah. That going to the group messaging is so important because it does. And I do want to go back to, I remember what I was, I got sidetracked, but between the guys and the females and

who has more interaction. When you go into the group text message and I'm looking to do a full couple swap. And for me, a full couple swap would involve a bisexual female. So I am looking for both partners to interact with me. And we did have this one couple that we really established a great relationship with at our events. And it was like after maybe a year of them attending our events, we did have a really great play session with them after one of the times. And then we just started to communicate over text message and stuff. But I noticed that the female wouldn't interact, not hardly ever. And it was always him. And I didn't say anything in the text message, but the next time we saw them at our event,

I had said to them, I said, I just want to let you know, I'm a little bit like unclear here because not saying that we have to continue communications at all because we played, but the text message thread is still going on. And I only see one part of you participating. And that makes me nervous and it makes me a little bit worried. So I need to understand like what's going on here. And she was just like, I'm so sorry, like my work schedule. and like she had her explanation and she shared whatever.

And since then she has done a much better job of like just touching base every once in a while. Just like, hey, I'm here. I just want to let you know. So for me, that was enough to understand why she wasn't contributing. So in those situations, if you feel like it's an off balance and are not understanding why and you have the opportunity to have the conversation in person, I would. Yeah. Absolutely.

No, that's what I said to that guy when his wife wasn't getting involved at all. he was getting a lot of ghosting and just a lot of people sort of signing off and not moving forward with him and stuff. I'm like, maybe it's because they have zero contact with your chick and they don't even think she exists. Like, just the same way you're going to vet people and maybe going to say, hey, send me a pick. I want to see you. They maybe want to also not just see a pick with your way, but know that she exists and maybe have some sort of vibe with her ahead of time. So I do think that it's best to recommend that both people do talk on a group chat and get to know each other, at least in the beginning, right?

I think so. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. And as far as Spencer and I go, like, we've had a single male that's been like in our life for four years now. And we are still in a group message with him. And that would never, and that's never going to change just because that's what makes us feel comfortable. If at some point in time you guys feel like that is a different shift and change to your rule,

that is really great. But just make sure the foundation of your relationship is super intact, that you're not jealous and that your communication is on point. because that will start to open up the doors for some cracks. Oh, yeah. I always get a little nervous when people talk about solo play and solo sex thing and stuff because I do think that that leaves a window of opportunity. Now, listen, I have heard from people that have done it successfully for many, many years

and are totally cool. But it is also the stories that wind up to be the ones gone wrong, too. It starts with that kind of stuff. Like what you did in that situation when the guy was just talking to you, and I know where you were coming from as a woman you're like you want to make sure that this guy isn't doing this behind his wife's back right that was a part of it because you're a chick right i'm thinking you're like just making sure that this guy isn't like doing some stuff behind his girls back i think we're women are very like empathetic that way we're going to think of the other girl and make sure and so i think

that's the kind of stuff that goes through people's head so i think that everyone that's going to be involved should be involved and communicating right yeah yeah because i rather have the awkward conversation up front, then they have the awkward conversation on the back end that is an explosive situation potentially. Yeah, no, totally. And now, okay, what are some of the red flags that you would watch out for as far as, like, potential like couple hookups, whether that's online or when you're out and about at a party or a club or like I said, you're looking on a profile on SDC?

Are there any kind of red flags that stick out to you that you're like, you, because you've been in this business for a long time and, you know, living it that you have seen that you stay away from and, you know, because it's like a bad thing right off the bat. So some red flags. Anybody that openly posts drama or something ridiculous out in the Swingers' EnM world is a huge red flag for me. Because this world is supposed to be super fun and just so great. There's no time for caddiness. There's no time for trying to smear campaign people.

Those are huge red flags for me. And then I would say watching people's behaviors in the club, do they have to drink an upteen amount of drinks for them to be able to socially interact? What are what's happening between the couple? Because you can read couples body language so well. Like that's what I do. Like I go to the club. I take a look around and I see what everybody's up to. How are they interacting?

What are they drinking? I do all of these things because I want to start. kind of just taking little snapshots and understanding, like, how people are going to develop and stuff like that. And those eventually show you the red flags. And you are quite understanding of the things that make people uncomfortable because you watch the guy, he didn't ask his woman if it was okay for him to go and dance up on somebody and he just starts grinding up on them or something. Or maybe the guy went up and did a dance move with her that he doesn't do with his girl. If you start watching all of these things, you'll start seeing the red flags, which will,

then help you identify those that maybe that's not your place style. Those aren't your people. This is something that I need to watch out for myself. I think that the observation is critical. And the same thing on social media. You'll start to see what people post and how they post it, the comments that they write. It's like, sorry single guys, but it's easier to kind of like pinpoint you guys out. Even the husbands, I'm going to say, I'm not going to lie.

So guys in general, sometimes you put some like really piggy things constantly on the comments. men threads. It's okay sometimes, but do you want to be taken seriously? Do you want me to think that I'm going to respect you? If you're constantly telling me that you want to eat my pussy on fucking my Facebook page, I'm pretty sure when I see you in person. Like I'm not even going to give you the time or day. No, the audience. Like I, there was some story recently and I was like, oh yeah, it was some guy that was like into jerking off and he wanted women to see him and turned on. I'm like, in no universe would that be hot to a girl? Like maybe if you're looking for guys to be into that. I feel like men need to understand how women roll, depending on who you're going

after, right? If you're going after women, you can't talk to them like you want to talk to yourself for another guy. I feel like a gay man, it's a totally different story. But for women, don't be so explicit. Right. Yeah, exactly. Sorry. And then some of the other red flags would be, like, if somebody says, oh, we don't play that often, yet you see them constantly all up and with other people. Like, you got to watch people's words to their actions. I find a lot in this lifestyle. And so the only way for that to happen is is to really observe. And that's why I also recommend that six months observation period, because that helps you start to identify the things that are red flags for you.

Because in this world, everybody is going to have such different variations of what red flags are for them because they're living this lifestyle for very different reasons. So, you know, yeah. But you also don't want to be a red flag. But what about online profiles and stuff? What are the red flags to look for and the things not to do when you're posting yourself online? The things that I would say are positives on your profile is to be very clear on who you are and what you're looking for without being duching or feeling like you're going to conquer something.

Like for the guys, don't come at the women and don't put in your profile that you're going to just destroy us or think that you're going to bang us better than our guy is. Like things like that, those are no good. Stop putting that stuff in your profile. It's weird. Like nobody's going to want that. The things that you do want to put in your profile are if you are a hot wife, what specifically are like what is in your hot wife toolbox because everybody does it differently. So what is it that you're looking for?

If you're a couple, be very clear that you're only looking for couple swaps. Or if you have solo play availability, articulate it really well. So people are very clear on how they're supposed to approach you on. on it. The balance there is, though, is that you don't want to be too wordies. Maybe it's like a sentence and some bullet points or something like that. So just be really open and very clear on what you're looking for. To weed out the trash so that you don't get what you're not looking for. And I think a lot of people will be like, oh, I feel bad, but, you know, I only like guys with a six pack. I'm like, that's okay. Like, I think it's like, there's nothing wrong with that.

Be specific about what you're into physically too. There's a nice way to say it. But I think you should get right to the chase. the more specific you are, and like you said, you don't have to go on and on about it, but you could just say what you're fucking into exactly. And I think the thing that we all have to remember is that we are allowed to have the things that we want in this lifestyle. I always say make sure you understand what your wants, needs, and desires are. And once you know what those are, be really clear when you're communicating them out to everybody

else because that's why you're here. And it's not to be ashamed of. It's not to feel embarrassed of. It's not to feel like somebody's going to judge you on it because fuck them. That's not their lifestyle. So if somebody doesn't like that you have that you only physically fit men, fuck them. They're not for you. And then you can go back into the millions of other people that are out there that would

fit your credentials. So yeah, no judgment. And that's the biggest thing that everybody needs to take away from this. Please live your lifestyle for your most authentic self. And as far as like picks and stuff are concerned in profiles, like I would assume it's totally cool that people don't have face shots, right? But that's what you want when you start communicating, correct? When you're saying like you want proof later, because a lot of people, of course, aren't going to put their faces up. Yeah.

A lot of people still do have the sensitivity, whether it's jobs or just like whatever their reasoning is. So you do see a lot of that scrambled out. I would say when it comes down to the pictures, if you're not going to put your face on there, please make sure you have like full body images. if you're a couple, have both partners. A lot of times, like, they'll just put the female in there for some reason. Listen, you're trying to couple swap. You need to see both. And don't filter people.

Like, I hate the fucking filters because they're not being true. Like, you're, I feel like it's your lying. And you see a lot of that posted all over social media where people are starting to get very frustrated with the filtered photos and then the actual dates because they are usually nothing alike. And so let's just, let's really go back to, again, I'm going to really emphasize that authentic self and being true to who we are and like really being confident in that. Are there ways that you could tell like, oh, this is like a bullshit guy. He's not a part of a couple.

Like you could just tell it's one of those. Yeah. If he's constantly just like asking you for pictures or like sometimes they have like their sassy intros of Hey Baby or just like whatever. those like one liners and stuff are and if they're constantly coming at you, those would be the ones that I would say to veer away from. If it's somebody that it is in a couple and on SDC, you'll see that each of the profiles are colored differently depending on what they are. And so if it's a purple, they're a couple. So like sometimes like I will see on there that maybe there's only the male on that half. And so it makes me wonder what's going on in this profile. Is this really?

a couple or is it a single male on there kind of just doing his thing that would be the moment and that would be the thing that would make me say you know what send me the photo doing this that or the other thing so I know but I need you both in it so you and your wife whether that's later on tonight or whatever if you want to have this conversation and continue on with me I need you both in this photo yeah I love that so let's just get the last 10 minutes like specific missy and maybe a hot story What are you saying to couples when you first meet that? I'm putting it out. Walk me through that experience for you guys now.

It's the most interesting thing for us because Spencer always told me when the stars and moon align, I'll know that I want to connect with somebody. So for me personally, like I mentioned earlier, it does take some time for me to be for someone. Yeah, yeah, 100%. So I see them at our events. And it usually starts with the ladies first. I'm not going to lie, when it comes down to me, since I am bisexual, I do love that

component of it. So nine times out of 10, it starts with the lady half, where her and I have a very flirtatious interaction. And if we start with a flirtatious interaction, like I'll ask her, is it okay for me to touch you? Is it okay for me to kiss you? Is it okay for me to do these things with you? and I'm allowed to do that stuff without having to ask Spencer's permission or anything of the sorts.

So at some point in time, he'll either see my interactions or I'll go with him and just kind of give him a little update on how I was feeling with this particular female and then kind of get his point of view on whether he's interested in the couple or not. We won't necessarily at that time go to the couple. We'll kind of just keep it on our own radar and start our own interacting with both parties to see what the chemistry is, see what the vibe is. And then from there, we'll have basic conversation with them of, hey, we're interested. Do you want to start some sort of text message or a messenger chat or something so we could get adjusted, get more acquainted with one another outside of the event or something like that. So that's pretty much like how we'll do it. We never meet anybody off of online.

We tried one time. And whether it was a catfish or a ghost, I'm not entirely sure. But it didn't work out. Like, we literally went to the bar and were. stood up. So I was like, fuck this. I didn't like the idea of swiping to find my partner to begin with because I do really like that energy. I do really like to see how you are as a human being morally. Are you a good person? And since I always talk about that six months observation period, like I still do that now. Since I host the events, like I have a pretty good idea of almost everybody

that walks through my door. So I can tell you what your swing style is. I could tell you what your interactions are with your relationship. I can tell you the things that I like and I don't like about it all. And whether that's a good quality to have or not, it helps me find my play partners because it reiterates the fact of the things that I'm looking for that I really do need that superb connection and how and when it happens, I can't tell you because we don't play often. Like we have two single guys that we have, we have our unicorn that we have. We have a couple that we see them maybe twice a year that we play with. Like it's very few and far in between of like all these different iterations of what we do.

But everything that you like, you kind of have people that are already in place, but you vetted them. You have a connection with them. Yeah, I always tell people because I hear a lot of the ghosting and a lot of wasting time. And people go through when they're going through apps, they've purchased hotel rooms and then someone doesn't show up or they're going back and forth for so long. And then the person never wants to meet in real life. And that's what I'm always like, listen, that's what. SDC is even better for, to me, I think, a great way to start even more so than picking people

online is going to an event, whether it's a party, a swingers club, a hotel takeover, because you could just sit back and check people out and see what you're into it. Maybe just because that party isn't your vibe or you don't see anyone there, maybe there's another one that you're going to meet people, but there's no pressure. And I think that that's like a great way to start. My last question would be like, because you guys are open and you sleep. with other people and you have these couple people and you're stable. What do you do when it comes to like STDs as far as our STI testing?

How do you guys roll? What is, do you have rules about that and like how do you keep everybody clean and safe? Well, so for us, we are very few and far in between our partners on who we are actually intimate with. So at this current time, it is, we have our one single guy that we are penetrationally intimate. with. And that was like kind of a conversation a while ago of, hey, this is, I had all of my medical stuff just done. And Spencer doesn't sleep with anybody. So we're like every year testing. Yeah, like we, yeah, we're not like testing like every weekend and stuff. But like when we do have like our

single guy, the conversation there was the first time he and I actually slept together was like earlier this year in January. And Spencer is. is like a huge fan of like people coming inside of me and stuff. So like he's he's got his own kinks going on. And he was kind of like, oh, you don't have to use a condom if you don't want to. And I was like, no, you do. I've never fucked you. We haven't had the conversation.

So if you're going to bang me right now, you do need to have you do need to put a condom on. Now, I am very aware, though, of all the people in his life because he's one of our good friends. Yeah. So I wasn't necessarily worried because I know that he's not out being promiscuous anywhere. but I did also want to put my stance in, no, you have to. Now, recently we have been hanging out a whole lot more and he and I have had a whole lot more conversations where I have really sat down and grilled him on when his last sexual interaction

was. What was it like? Who was it with? Like I really went down all the down and dirty of everything. And I was comfortable to say, I trust you. I don't need to ask for a test because I am in your life all the time. and I know that you're not lying to me. Now, if it comes down to new people, like, legit, like I just met you at the club,

I am going to ask you for your test. And if it is not anything super clean or, like, recent, then I'm going to say, I'm so sorry, but you're not the play partner for me because they take that really seriously, especially after the healthier that I just had. I just don't want to be fucked up in any other way. And that is some of the stuff that kind of makes me a little bit more hesitant on that swinger kind of word. as we were talking about earlier, because when you hear the word swinger, you think automatically

all these individuals that, like, are really going out and, like, doing their thing. Yeah. And that's how I feel. And so when it comes down to those individuals, like, they wouldn't even be part of anybody that I would consider into my play people. Like, I'm looking for those people that are similar to I who take a really long time. So the conversations look very different. But when it comes down to the testing and when it comes down to asking the questions, what I will leave what the audience is, if you are considering sleeping with anybody, it is your right to ask them any question you want when it comes down to the basis of your health.

There is not going to be anybody else that is responsible for it aside from you. And if you're not taking it seriously, nobody else is. So if you're not adamant on fulfilling what is going to be what, if you're not happy with what they're providing you to fulfill your response need here, well, then they're not the play partner for you because they're not providing you everything that you need to feel at ease or at anything. So it's your right to say, I'm so sorry, since you're not providing this to me, they don't think that we can go any further. And that's not to make anybody feel bad. That's not to reject anybody. but that is your right as an individual to keep your safety first and don't ever be ashamed, embarrassed, scared, or anything of it.

Yeah, and that's across the board. I just feel like a lot of times certain people just don't have a voice for themselves. And before you get into this lifestyle in general for everything across the board that we talked about, you've got to fucking speak up for yourself. You need to find your voice. And before you get into the lifestyle, because it's all about speaking up and speaking out for yourself and that's going to ensure your success because listen how you're going to turn people down people are going to approach you how you're like you're not going to take one for the team just because

you can't speak up or not interested in someone you got to you got to advocate for yourself it's super important when it cut whether it comes to that or whether who you're hooking up with or consent at a club and someone's like hitting on you you you have to know how to speak up for what you want regardless and so I think that that's super important but listen missy I love when you come on and talk about all your what would we say Tips. You're like really great. I feel like the last one, if people didn't hear the real specific one we did about the swinger parties, like how to navigate, I thought it was so super interesting because I feel like if you've never been to a swingers club, you wouldn't know all the things that we discussed on there. I've never been to Swingers Club. So it was like, I was like natural. I just had natural questions that I think any newbie would have when you did. It was just like filled with so much interesting information, just like this one was. So I'll put the number for that one for who will to go. and listen to. Thanks so much for calling in again and sharing all your insight. Why don't you give a shout out to all your stuff and I'll put it to, I'll put links to your stuff in the description,

but give a quick shout out to all that you do and offer and all the places where people can find yourself because you have your own podcast, you have parties, you have toys, and you've got a lot of stuff. So much stuff. So you can find me at missybender.com. I would love for you to read my blogs and just kind of follow along. You can find my podcast from there also, which is the Mizzy Bender show. And we have Mind Bender parties, which we host in the Northeast. So you can RSVP to any one of the events. And then Mizzy's boutique is our naughty adult boutique. It's like kind of sassy, fun adult. It's not necessarily Swinger, although you can get some pineapple stuff. It's more just like funny sayings and toys and just like anything for a more alternative adult human being.

And I would say that's it. Go find me on all social media, Mizzy Bender, and start. interacting with me. I'd love to, love to know you. I love that. Awesome. So thanks so much for calling in, Missy. Thanks a lot for calling in again. You're the best. Thanks, Kathy. I'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye. Okay. I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available, not only in paperback and e-book, but you can pre-order the audiobook. It's still not going to be out until August 25th. but you can pre-order it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show.

I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true.

I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total. Erotica book, think like penthouse letters. It's more direct. It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format. And finally, the audiobook is available coming out August 25th. But you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord.

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We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com.

That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. Good news. Strictly Anonymous Podcast is looking for people to call into the show. So if you lead an interesting, naughty secret life that you want to talk about while remaining anonymous or not anonymous, if you're out and proud, that's cool too. Send me an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com.

Or go to my website, Strictly Anonymous Podcast. podcast.com and click on be on the show. If you have a short confession that you want to get off your back, call my confessions hotline. [phone]. That's 347-4-7-4-2. You could call that number 24-7. I change all the voices on the confessions too. So you remain anonymous. The number, the website, and the email address will all be in the description. If you want to follow the show, follow me at strict anonymous on either Instagram or Twitter. That's at Strict Anonymous. And if you want to sign up for my Patreon,

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