Strictly Anonymous Confessions - 960 - Elizabeth on How BDSM, Torture & a Relationship with a Lesbian Dominatrix Led her to Self Acceptance

Episode Date: November 8, 2024

Elizabeth called in to talk all about how BDSM, torture and a lesbian dominatrix all led her to self-acceptance. Tune in to hear all the details including how and why she decided to write her award winning memoir Exodai about her journey of self acceptance, when she knew she was a lesbian and how and why she was so uncomfortable with it, how denying her sexuality led her to toxic relationships, when she realizes she was into BDSM, her first experience at a BDSM party in Tokyo with female dominatrix and what went down, how and why that was such a powerful experience, the next couple of relationships she had with a couple other dominatrix and why those relationships ended, how and when she realized that S&M and the pain she was experiencing was coming from her inability to love herself, the last dominatrix she dated who was really toxic, how they met and what went down in their dom/sub relationship and how and why it went downhill, how a past life regression helped her leave her and eventually accept herself and her sexuality, how and when she eventually met her current partner and why she doesn’t engage in BDSM anymore plus a whole lot more lot more. Link to book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CJDKPZMT  **To see pics of ELIZABETH plus see anonymous pics of most of my female guests + hear anonymous confessions + get all the episodes early and AD FREE, join my Patreon! It's only $7 a month and you can cancel at any time. You can sign up here: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.patreon.com/StrictlyAnonymousPodcast⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ and when you join, I'll throw in a complimentary link to my private Discord! MY BOOK IS NOW OUT FOR PRE-ORDER!!!! Strictly Anonymous Confessions: Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers. A bunch of short, super sexy, TRUE stories. GET YOUR COPY NOW: https://amzn.to/4i7hBCd Sponsors: https://bluechew.com Get your first month FREE! https://butterwellness.com/ Try the Butter Wellness perineum massager and use code STRICTLY for 20% off your entire order https://beducate.me/anonymous60 Get BEDucated! For 60% off PLUS a FREE 24 hour trial, click the link and use code: anonymous60 Follow me! Instagram https://www.instagram.com/strictanonymous/ Twitter https://twitter.com/strictanonymous?lang=en Website http://www.strictlyanonymouspodcast.com/ Everything else https://linktr.ee/Strictlyanonymouspodcast To Join SDC and get a FREE Trial! click here: https://www.sdc.com/?ref=37712 or go to SDC.com and use my code 37712 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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just go to patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. It's patreon.com slash strictly anonymous podcast. The link will be in the description. Now listen, if you're looking to get on an app and look for people to have a threesome or hook up with or a couple to, you know, have sex with or you just want to open up your relationship, I can now offer you a free trial to SDC. Okay, that's a free trial. You want to check it out. This SDC.com. Use my code 37712. That's 37712 or just go to the description and click the link. SDC is great.

I've always been wanting to partner up with an adult dating site. I chose SDC because that's the one that most of my callers are on and the one that most of my callers like the most. They're all over. They're worldwide. So, you know, you could go on there and meet like-minded people in your area or if you're traveling and you want to hook up with someone on vacation. you're going to be able to find people there.

And what's also great about it is not only can you meet people on there, you could also find out about all the Swinger events and Swinger parties and hotel takeovers and swinger clubs and gangbings, you name it. It's all on that site. And you get a free trial, like I said. Just use my code 37712 or go to the description and click on the link and you'll be taken right there. Okay, today I have on Elizabeth Hendrick.

Oh my God. her story is effing fabulous. And the good news about Elizabeth is she put her whole story in a book that's won like tons of awards. She published it herself. But I mean, if you go on her Amazon page, you're going to see that. It's like won tons of awards. And the reviews are like off the charts.

And she sort of summarizes her whole story here in the episode, this episode and her story and how she talks about is as riveting as it sounds like her book is. She does have a book called Exa Die, a shocking, honest, memoir of love, obsession, and torture. Her whole story is she was a woman who was a lesbian knew she was a lesbian at a very young age. She also knew that she was into BDSM at a very young age. And because she wasn't able to fully accept that she was a lesbian when she was young, she did get herself into a lot of pain and a lot of BDSM. She had a lot of toxic relationships. And a one big one culminated. Her whole.

journey of self-love. She wound up in Tokyo in a very toxic relationship with a woman named Tomo. She talks about that relationship. We end with that, but we talk about everything that led up to that. She's been all over the world. She had all kinds of crazy experiences with female dominatrix. It's super interesting, like I said, her episode. And if you want even more details, you're going to get tons of details in this episode. But if you want even more details, I suggest getting her buck. Like I said, It's won tons of awards. It gets great reviews on Amazon and a lot of reviews, actually. It's called Axidai.

I'm going to put a link in the description. So if you want to hear more, you can. But you're going to love her story. Like I said, it does have a beginning, a middle, and an end. She did eventually accept herself. So you're not going to leave, like, frustrated by what she's going through. She learned a lot on her journey, and she talks all about that. So anyway, I'm going to get right to it to be right back on with Elizabeth.

Hi, Elizabeth. Elizabeth Hendrick. Welcome to the Strictly Anonymous podcast. How are you today? I'm great. Thank you very much for having me, Kathy. It's wonderful to be here. Well, listen, you're all the way over in the UK. You wrote a great book called Ex-A-Dai, right? It's all about your journey into BDSM. Eventually, you wind up going to Tokyo, meeting a Dom. Now, I was wondering whether it was a female or male, because you do have this whole backstory about realizing that you were a lesbian. and that takes part, you know, that's a part of this book. And I'm like, oh, I wonder if this Dom is a male or a female, but it became like a crazy situation for you, correct? That's why it's called Exa Dai instead of Exodus, right?

It's kind of an interesting way on words. So the, yeah, so the reason for Exa Dai, the name is actually, it's a truncation of the word exodus, which means going out, an I, which is Japanese for love. Oh. And how that name came to me comes in a dream, which I revealed in the book. Oh. That's quite a nice little story. But just to answer, so to answer your question, the relationship was with a Japanese dominatrix, and she was a woman.

She was a Japanese woman. And really, this story is very much a deep soul-searching journey of life. It's the story of me coming to terms of my sexuality. And the way that I got into BDSM, why I got into BDSM, how I was. was just not loving myself as an adult, as a lesbian woman, and I was in denial and eventually realized that I need to self-heal. And part of that self-healing process was this two-year intense, raw emotional relationship with this Japanese dominatrix who was basically a sadist and loved torturing me mostly mentally, but also physically as well. And within the framework of BDSM,

it was an abusive, toxic relationship. But through that relationship, I was able to learn to love myself because of my approach. But it's a, it's a very graphic and raw and honest story of what I went through. And it's very much a story about life and how we trick ourselves in our mind to believe these delusional facts in order to justify sticking to a toxic relationship. Anyway, there's quite a lot there. But there's lots to unpack. But that's basically, it's a story of coming to terms my sexuality. Yeah. Story of coming to terms of my sexuality through B. And through this toxic relationship. And we'll get to that part because we're going to get sort of your whole story, quick, the quick version here. You have your book. It is exclusively available on Amazon.

They could get the audio book right on there or the ebook over there. Is there an audio book, too? Or no. So we haven't done the audio, yeah, no, we haven't done the audio book yet. It's available on ebook or paperback. It's in all the Amazon global markets. It's exclusively on Amazon. It's also in Kindle Unlimited. So if you subscribe to Kindle Unlimited on Amazon, you can get my book for free

through that subscription process. But otherwise, through that subscription program, but otherwise it's ebook or paperback and they print it on demand in all of the global locations of Amazon. Great. So what I'll do is make sure to put a link to it in the description when people want to read your whole journey.

but we're going to get the quick one here, right? So why don't we go out, like what I typically want to do is go all the way back, right, to, you know, when you were younger and realized that, you know, I'm assuming you didn't really know at first or maybe you started to think maybe you were gay and you were like from a religious background or, and that's why you couldn't accept it. You know, what was going on and what time period was that? Yeah. So I knew by the age of 10 that I was attracted to.

to girls in my class. I didn't really know what it was. I found a label for it when I was age 13 hitting puberty and I realized I was a lesbian and I was very uncomfortable with it. My class was very uncomfortable with it. Here's an interesting thing. Until I started periods, most of my classmates thought it was odd. It was a bit weird. But they all thought I would grow out of it. And when my period, on the day that my periods began, and of course it was an all girls school and everybody knew when everybody else started. And the day that my periods began at school and I became, in quotes, a woman, all my classmates said, well, how do you feel about Emily Thornton now? And she was the girl that I fancied at the time. And I said, no different.

I still adore her. And then that was when they all stepped back on mass and said, well, you've got a problem. And this word, I've got a problem went deep into my psyche and sort of particularly hardwired me to hate myself as a lesbian woman. And I didn't really come to realize that that was an issue until I was about 35, 36 years old. So for all my 20s, I was in complete denial that I loathed to myself and hated myself for being lesbian women and was attracting all these toxic relationships. And then I, at about age 35, I realized there was a problem because I've been through this very traumatic experience.

I was actually on a reality TV show in the UK. It was called, it was called Tycoon. And so you know sharks, you know shark tank in the US. with Kevin Illyrie and Mark Cuban. So we have an equivalent in the UK called Dragon's Den. And in Dragon's Den, one of the entrepreneurs, and probably the biggest, the biggest entrepreneur of the five is called Peter Jones.

And Peter Jones tried to do a show. He tried to go solo and do a show, which was about what did the entrepreneurs do once they get the investment. And I was on, I was one of the contestants on that show. The show, unfortunately, didn't get very good rating. I mean, it was good for me, but basically, I just fell to pieces because I was on a project that wasn't very good, and I was very, I was not very good on camera. I kept falling to, for, and bursting into tears on camera and all sorts of stuff. I was, I got really highly strung. I was under so much pressure, and I just looked like a total fool. And thankfully, the show didn't get very good ratings. And they didn't do a second series. So most people didn't hear about it. It aired in June of 2007 in the UK. It was called Tycoon.

It had, I think, five episodes. And as I said, they didn't make a second series. But for me, it was a very traumatic experience. I brought most of that on myself because emotionally I was just not mature enough to go on to this kind of thing. And I was one of the first contestants kicked off. And I hit rock bottom. And it was during that, during that rock bottom time that I realized that actually there was a problem that was even affecting my success and business. And the problem was that I hadn't accepted my heart.

myself as a lesbian woman. And all of this, I recount all of this briefly in the book, before we get into the nitty-gritty of the book, which is the BDSM relationship with this Japanese dominatrix. But so that's, you know, I, I knew I loved girls from a very young age. It was a natural innate thing, as far as I'm concerned. I started to hit resistance and ostracization during puberty, during adolescence. I internalized a lot of self-loathing and self-shame. That manifested in that life. And I finally realized. realized after hitting rock bottom that I had a problem, which was that I hadn't accepted my sexuality and I needed to do something about it. And then I went on to the seven-year journey

whilst I tried to heal and find self-love and build it up in myself. And that seven-year journey ended with a two-year relationship with this sadistic Japanese dominatrix. And that seven-year journey ended with a two-year relationship with this sadistic Japanese dominatrix. Right. But let me ask you this, because that's a summary of the book. We have that. but I want to stay back at like, so, you know, you tell your friends, they sort of put you down for it, you repress it. You're like, I had a bunch of toxic relationships through my teens, 20s, up to your 35. In that time period, were you dating men or dating women, like, during that time? I actually, I was dating very few people at all, but I was trying to date women, but I did have two sexual encounters,

probably spaced apart by about eight or nine or ten years. I did have two sexual encounters with men. This Memorial Day, shop one of Avocato's biggest mattress sales of the year and fall in love with sleep again. At Avocado, better sleep starts with better materials. Our certified organic mattresses are crafted without compromise, using high-quality organic materials that bring comfort and support into perfect balance. No polyurethane foams, no shortcuts.

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at avocado mattress.com or select retailers nationwide. Visit avocatomattress.com. That's avocado mattress.com. Right. And one, I think I was aged about 28. It was my first. So look, I mean, I kissed men and everything at school and it would cuddle and kiss, but I never had a sexual experience with a man until I was about age 28.

And we were good friends. And I was living in Tokyo at the time, and we tried penetrative sex. and it all just went horribly wrong. And I have to say, I actually think that the penis does have a brain. I think the penis news. So it was just, we laughed about it, my friend and I. We went in with her eyes wide open. And we just thought, let's just try it.

And maybe I might discover something amazing, but I certainly didn't. So that was my first encounter. And quite frankly, I repeated the whole thing with a completely different manner, a huge tall Indian man with a huge penis when I was living in Dubai about eight years later. And it was literally a repeat. It was quite weird actually because I was getting quite turned on with him because he knew. He knew how to charm women. He'd said he'd been with a lot of lesbian women and it's not about your sexuality.

It's about how you're touched and everything. I thought, oh yeah, maybe you're right. And I was getting quite turned on. As soon as he flipped his, I was like, oh God, and it just went horribly wrong again. And again, I think his penis had a brain and thought, but this is a lesbian vagina. What are you trying to put me in there for? And so it was pretty clear to me, I do not like penis. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, guys, but I, and there it is. And that for me confirmed, no, I am a lesbian. Stop pretending you're not. And I had to, and I still hadn't accepted myself at that point, which is probably why I was trying things out with guys still. But I only had two sexual encounters with men. Meanwhile, I probably had about four or five relationships with women, but they were all very short-lived, apart from one at university, which was about 18 months, but highly, highly traumatic relationship for various reasons, mainly because I didn't love myself as a lesbian. Right.

So, but it wasn't totally repressed in that you were like, you know, pretending to be straight and dating men and you just put it to the side. you were still trying to make it happen, but, and at that point, you just didn't even realize the reason why it wasn't happening correctly is because you still had some sort of negative view about it, but you just weren't aware of it at that time. Right, right. I just, I was in denial. I mean, I remember in my 20s, lots of people, lots of my closest friends said, you should go and see a counselor.

You should go and just talk to somebody about, uh, there's no problem. I say, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm just unlucky. That's what I used to say. But the reality was, was that my energy that I was putting out was drawing negative experiences into my life. And I was in denial that there was a problem. And it was when I felt it's a problem and started to solve it, that things slowly started to get better. Of course.

I mean, I typically, I really believe that whatever is standing across from you is a reflection of how you feel about yourself, right? and for better or for worse. But, you know, when did you realize, though, that you were into BDSM? I remember seeing in, like, the summary of your book that that was something that you were always kind of interested in, like you had these kind of fantasies. Yeah. Well, so it was quite interesting because in parallel, so I was age six, seven, eight, and kind of chasing girls at school and then sitting down age 10 telling a girl what I loved her.

In parallel, the same time, I was having these fantasies about being. tied up and the fantasies started from the age of six. I remember specifically having this fantasy about being strapped down on a like a Star Trek white medical table and just not being able to move. And I feel really thrilled. I had no idea why, but I felt very guilty about it. But that was when it started and I ultimately I was massively into bondage and restriction and humiliation. And in a lot of my fancences, there would be people around watching, and you know, I'd be very humiliated and very restricted. And these were just very, very basic fancies that I had, that started from the age of six and seven. And when I was aged about 10, so, I mean, I was very lucky. I lived in a, lived in a

wonderful, loving family. My parents are still together. They're still alive. And they loved me dearly. And I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. So, mum would come and tuck me into bed, even when I was 10 years old and say good night. And she'd leave the room and shut the door. And I would, being a child and full of energy, I would just sort of lie there having these fantasies about bondage. And I think, damn, I need the toilet. And I'd get up and go to the toilet.

There was nothing to pee. Because I would always pee. The last thing I do is go to the toilet before going to bed. Mum kisses me good night, leaves the room. I start fantasising. 10 minutes later, I think I need the toilet. There's nothing to pee. Why? Because age 10, having these fantasies about bondage, I was getting sexually stimulated. So there was

action going on down in my pelvic region. Well, I had no idea as a tenure or what was going on. And by the time I was about 13 or 14, on one occasion, I was fantasizing and rolling myself up in the duvet. And I had this orgasm. And I had no idea what it was. And it was just like this volcanic, beautiful, blissful eruption from my pelvic region. And it was amazing. And I mean, that was the first orgasm was maybe the best ever. And I had no idea what it was. But then I realized, ah, this is what an orgasm must be. This is what everyone gets so excited about this thing called the orgasm that I had no concept of. And I accidentally discovered it one night, tying myself up and my duvet. So my interest in BDSM was also natural and innate, if you will. There is a theory out there. It's obviously not been peer reviewed. It's not being properly scientifically proved. So I was actually induced. So I

was due let's say the end of, I know, 31st of October, whatever and my mum started to have contraction. So I started to move out of the womb on around my due date. But then I stopped. And it was

as if I said, wait a moment, this is too much fun here. I'm going to stay here for it. And then they had to induce me about 10 days later. and I wonder whether I had moved enough to get myself sort of partially into the, I don't know, whatever the tube is called, but we come out of, and got, and got, and got, and I got restricted. And these, these 10 most blissful days before coming out of my mother's womb and being born, I now associate with the feeling of restriction, being totally wrapped up. And I think it's possible that massacists who properly get turned on by pain, now I'm not a

masochist, I don't get turned on by pain, I get turned on my restriction and accumulation, but a masochist who gets turned on my pain, by the way of the same thought process is that the pain of childbirth uploaded from the mother's emotional psyche into the baby's emotional psyche and into their cellular memory. So that's why masochist gets turned on by. by pain because pain is intrinsically fused in the brain with euphoria. And that's why masochists. So I think it makes total sense. And I also think this is why a lot of people who are proper BDSM practitioners kind of know it's in their, in their skin, in their psyche, that there's something.

I think it comes from the moment of birth or just before birth, as I said. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so, all right, so now because you knew at a young age that you were into this kind of a thing, did you start to, like, get into, you know, studying it and stuff? Like, when did you really, like, immerse yourself in it? Well, so what happened is that I just had these fantasies and I would imagine all sorts of contraptions and stuff that much, much later on realized, discovered that actually existed, like body bags and stuff. I imagined all of those before I ever knew that they existed and mummification and stuff. Anyway, I mean, I tried to do a few things with my first girlfriend at university, but she wasn't into kink. And fundamentally, the other person has to be into it for it to work.

It just doesn't work. If you try BDSM with someone who doesn't want to do BDSM, it just doesn't work. The connection, the spiritual connection isn't there. So my first real sort of experience was when I moved to Tokyo, and I was age 27, it was 1999, and I moved to Tokyo, and I'd been in Tokyo for about a year, not having much luck on the lesbian scene, but through the gay scene, I met a woman who was into fetish, and she's called Junco, and she features in my book. And she was a really, really well, a veteran of BDSM and had all these friends, and introduced

me to the whole world of BDSM in Tokyo. And so I was in the BDSM world in Tokyo just sort of dipping my toe in the water. And after I had been networking for a while, oh, and incidentally, I took to the BDSM scene in Tokyo like a duck to water. And I kind of said goodbye to the gay scene because I had never been comfortable in the lesbian scene. And suddenly here I was feeling like I was in my own skin at last. But this is, so there's a reason for that. I didn't accept myself as a lesbian woman. I own, so I was openly gay at school and these classmates saying, saying you've got a problem.

I was never open about my BDSM until I was age 27 in a supportive adult environment. So I never felt shame about my BDSM interests, whereas I felt shame about my lesbianism. Consequently, I wasn't comfortable in the lesbian scene, whereas I was perfectly comfortable on the BDSM scene. Anyway, after I've been in the scene for about, I don't know, 10 months, 12 months, I went to a private BDSM party. And that was where I had my first experience. And I kind of, it was jumping in with both feet and I got tied up and played with this Japanese, a different Japanese dominatrix than the main one in my book. And had this first initiation experience into BDSM and got whipped very, very, very severely on my buttocks and thighs and, lower back and just had this euphoric experience like I felt I've been born again and I discovered

myself as submissive. And this story is a very exciting story and it's chapter eight in my book. And I recount that story about how I really discovered myself as being a submissive through and through. So that was about age 29, I think I was, when that all happened. Right. And now that was like at a club or a party. It was a private party. a millionaire banker's mansion in Tokyo, and he had leather draped over all his furniture. And there were only about 15, 20 people. He had some of the top dominatresses in town, some of the most famous submissives. And I don't know what I was doing there, but I was there.

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Well, I was, I had just, so I had met this girl, Junco, this lesbian party, and she was in BDSM scene. She was totally well connected. And I think it's just because she knew, she could read me and she knew that I was for real. I was an authentic BDSM. And there were many, many people on the BDSM scene who were not actually totally authentic. they're just pushing the boundaries of sex and they don't quite get it. But she knew she knew that I was for real and that that just opened up doors to me. And I was also so much in my own skin as a BDSM practitioner that people were kind of magnetized to my energy,

which I never had as a lesbian woman because I hated myself as a lesbian woman, but as a BDSM submissive, I was really and really found myself and in tune with who I was. And that radiated and it attracted people to me. And it meant I was invited to go to these kinds of parties. I mean, it was a really exciting, blooming part of my life. But in the background, I still hated myself as a lesbian. Right. There's all, you know, it was so many things going on at once.

But it was a fascinating time of my life. And I document that in this memoir that I've written. And did you have any kind of, before the one that we get to in Tokyo, did you have any other long-term dom-sub relationships before that one? I did actually. So that very first dominatics that I played with at that private party, we went on to have a relationship for about, excuse me, for about eight months. I had to split up with her because it was causing me so much mental trauma.

Because she had a few slaves. she also had a boyfriend. She didn't have that much time for me. And I had just fallen into this total addiction, worshipping state of submission. And I was just falling into the abyss. And I realized I needed to leave her. I had the wherewithal to leave her.

Anyway, that was my first Japanese dominatrix. And then I had another relationship with another Japanese dominatrix for about a year. And then I moved back to England and had a fantastic relationship. with a Japanese dominatrix who became my girlfriend, and that was about a year and a half. And how was that relationship? And that was a very positive relationship?

Well, so here's the interesting thing. All of the Japanese dominatrixes I mentioned before, they were all ostensibly straight, or shall we say, any sexual, but mainly they liked men. But they were quite interested in having a woman worship them. Whereas the British dominatrix that I had a relationship. where she was properly bisexual. So our BDSM relationship became very sexual as well. And it was really positive

until we became lovers, you see. And so the hierarchy of me submitting to the dominatrix and me holding her up on a pedestal, that hierarchy kind of broke apart once we started getting into bed together and having regular lesbian sex

together. And because the hierarchy hierarchy of the sub-dop was breached. We kind of lost interest in each other in that relationship. So we ended up, we ended up stopping the relationship. But we parted on very, very good terms. But it was the hierarchy kind of just fell to pieces. And that was really what we were both after.

So anyway, we just became friends. So I had those three dominatresses before, before, it was on this reality TV show, thrown off. realized I didn't accept myself as a lesbian. And then I came to this conclusion that the S&M was part of the self-loathing, that I would submit to women and suffer pain because I didn't love myself. And I thought I'd put it all behind me, started this self-healing process and promptly went back into another relationship, moved back to Tokyo, ended up with this truly sadistic dominatrix who's called Tomo and she's the second half of my book. And,

that relationship lasts for two years and was a very intense abusive subdom master slave relationship but through which I learned to love myself extraordinarily. Right. And it never though, the dynamics of that relationship never changed like it did with the other one where it ruined it at the hierarchy like oh, you always stayed Dom Sub kind of thing. Yes, absolutely. And she became her hierarchy just. went up and up and up and up and I got lower and lower.

I reached the absolute zero of submission. I mean, she was incredible. I mean, so it's quite interesting because this all happened back in 2012 to 2014, which is 10 years ago now, over 10 years ago, that started. And I'm still unpacking some of it. Wow. And I still have these conversations with people like you. I do a lot of podcasts.

And all the time, pennies are dropping in my head. And I'm thinking, you know, this dominatrix, although at the time, thought she just didn't care about me. More I look back on it, the more I think she knew exactly what she was doing. And she knew she was just enabling me to self-discover myself. Right. And in many ways, I have a lot to thank her. I have a lot to thank her for, you know.

Of course. I don't know. I have this weird belief. And I think, you know, probably a lot of people don't see things this way, but I do. And for me, it's very clear as day that, you know, we are like, you know, we set up our, we set up our own sort of stories, you know, and we bring the character. characters in for better or for worse. Like one of my worst boyfriends on the planet came back to me at some point and was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry for what I did. I'm like, actually, I feel like I should like send you a gift for what you did for me. You know, you sort of showed me the part of myself that hated myself enough to be with someone like you. And without that experience, I would have never gotten to the point where I was like fucking done with it. And that is something that I did on a subconscious level. And that's what I needed to do to get to the next place. which was totally done with that phase of my life.

And so to me, it was a gift. It was a great thing that happened, right? So I look at it like that for sure. Right. 100%. 100% this is what happened with me and this dominatrix. And I feel thankful to her now. Whereas maybe one year after the relationship, I revised that, you know.

Yeah. No, I mean, that doesn't happen and, you know, right away. But eventually, I think when the dust settles and stuff, yeah, you could look back and see. and, you know, and that's, that's the same thing that's happening with anyone that's listening to that's in a very terrible relationship on some level, we're never, I mean, you might have been tied up some of the times, right, but like on most toxic relationships, no one's keeping you there, you know, and so if you're there, why are you there? You know, it does say something about yourself, and I think some people don't want to sort of face that stuff, but the more you could

face it, the more you're going to get to that part of yourself and heal it and grow and move on, and that's a wonderful thing, you know? Well, so I spell a lot of that out in the book and the thought process. I basically had this delusional mission going on in my head that I was the one who was going to save her from her demon. Right. Interesting. And I, so what was happening was that I was in this, it became, after about a year of being with her, it had become so toxic and I knew it was so bad for me and I knew that she was taking advantage of me. and all my friends and everyone around was saying you just got to leave her and I was when I was spiritually uplifted and at the time I was quite Christian going to church I was doing a lot of yoga

I was doing a lot of clean diet clean eating and everything to get clarity on the situation giving up alcohol to get clarity and when I was spiritually uplifted or being thinking clearly the nobler part of my mind, or the clearer part of my mind, thought that the noble action, the nobler action was to stay with her because it was my mission to save her from her demons. The moment I was emotional having a period, drunk, tired, or depressed, I'd say, fucking leave her, just leave her. She's taking advantage of her. And you think, okay, the devil on your left and right shoulder telling you what to do in your mind, this mind trickery.

and in actual fact, it was the devil's side that was right and the angel's side that was deluding me to say in this relationship, but ultimately, well, because I stayed in that relationship and kept applying love and forgiveness, and this is really key, because I kept applying love and forgiveness and saying, I'm staying here,

I'm going to suffer this mental torment because it's going to help her. Because of that, it helped you. Eventually, all of that love came back to me and I learned to love myself through that process. So the angel was right in the end, but it was extraordinary process. And I had, but that's tough love.

You know what I mean? And that's, and that I think is sometimes the hardest thing for people to understand. You know, the angel was right. That was where you needed to go or you would have never, you know, confronted that part of yourself. It was there. It was there since you got your period. And how else are you going to get there? You know, sometimes I think people look at people that have messy lives or go through bad experiences and they judge them.

But that's like what life's about. You need that kind of data to get to where you're going. You can't go back to those girls in your school and stand up for yourself and get back your, you know, feelings of yourself that you needed to. The only way to do that is through relationships. That's what they're about. And that's just the facts, you know. And we play it out that way.

And without that, like I said, without those bad relationships, you can't work through the stuff that you need to. So I think the angel was right, right? So how did you meet her, by the way? Was it like at a party? I met her in Bali. My book is actually very exotic. There's a, I'm in London, I'm in Paris, I'm in Dubai, I'm in Tokyo, I'm in Bali,

and all of these beautiful exotic scenes in the book. So, I mean, my book agent in London says it's a very cinematic book and he really imagines that it will get a movie deal one day, one day in the future. I'm hoping it will come soon. Anyway, so I met her. So at the time I was living in Dubai and I had, I lived in Tokyo twice. So I lived in Tokyo from 99 to 2004, five years, went back to England, did the entrepreneurial thing that the TV reality show. Then I ended up in Dubai for five years. And whilst I was living in Dubai, in 2008, I took a trip to Bali to meet with some friends from Tokyo who were having a wedding there. And we all stayed in this mansion villa together.

And it happened that Tomol, the Japanese said dominatrix, was one of the guests. And I met her for the first time in Bali in 2008. And we just kind of plugged into each other. We, she could instantly read. I mean, a lot of these dominatrice, especially the Japanese, are so intuitive. The point of being psychic. Actually, she was a bit psychic anyway. She could really read the air very, very, very clearly, cleverly. And she just kind of knew I was submissive. So we, we were in this villa for a week together. We kind of did a little bit of soft BDSM play. But then I went back to Dubai. She went back to Tokyo. And I never thought her about again. And then two or three years later, later, I was visiting Tokyo with a view to maybe moving back to Southeast Asia, because Dubai is an Islamic culture, and I found it very misogynistic, needless to say, as well, it's homophobic. And there was no BDSM going on. Well, there was behind closed doors, but, you know, I wasn't finding it. And I went back to Tokyo. I just on an exploratory trip holiday, had some

job interviews, and suddenly that one of my best friends invited Tomo along to a dinner. And I learned, Only then, that when she had met me in Bali, she was just completely taken by me and couldn't wait to see me again. And the Japanese are very patient, so they'll wait three years. She couldn't wait to see me. And when I came back, she was so thrilled. And when I moved back to Tokyo, she was so excited that I was moving back to Japan. And our relationship properly started. I moved back in 2013.

So I've been there now for 11 years since then. and everything, the relationship really properly kicked off as soon as I moved back. But I first met her a few years previously in four or five years previously in Bali. Yeah, that's crazy. And it's crazy that she sort of, you know, had her sights on you from all the way back then and then winds up reconnecting with you so many years later. Now, when that relationship started, was it toxic right from the get-go? Did it turn toxic later?

I mean, how did it play out? So when I moved back in 2030, she was really excited that I was back. She couldn't wait to take me to a love hotel and have a BDSM session with me. And I would say for the first three or four months, it was amazing. I was as high as a kite. But I very quickly got addicted to her domination. And the problem with me is that I then become too emotional. And that puts people off.

It pushes people away. It's too needy. I become too need. I did back then because I didn't love myself. That was my modus operandi. Fall in love with someone. They fall in love with me. It's all very exciting.

And then I fuck it up with my emotions. That was my modus operandi back then. I think it is for a lot of people. Of course. But so the first three months was really amazing. And then it just started to go downhill. And it just steadily went downhill. And more and more and more.

And more I became needy, the more she kept me at arm's length. But she left me and developed this whole fantasy about saving her from her demons and everything and blah, blah, blah. And I was with her for almost two years. I think it was about, you know, 20 months in total or something. But by March of 2014, so a year and a bit since we've started being in a official relationship. I was already at the point, should I leave her? Should I leave her? And it was every day of the question, should I leave her? Should I leave her? And it was just this constant quarrel in my

head. And I was seeing lots of counsellors. And actually, I did a past life regression, which is where you, where you, where you go with a hypnotherapist and they hypnotize you back to your childhood, back to your birth and back to your previous lives. And I, I'm not. sure about previous lives, but I thought, just going to keep an open mind because it said to me, it's really good therapy, just try it. And I went with this therapist, and apparently I was in this previous life. I had been a mentally disabled man in Eastern Europe in the 1500s, and I used to like the steak where they were burning witches, and Tomo, the soul of Tomo had been one of the witches that I had burnt the steak. And we were connected from a previous life. It was amazing

This is all in my book. I like that. And that's why when she saw you, she's like, I'm going to fucking kill that guy. Yeah, right. Exactly. So anyway, I mean, but what was really amazing is that whether or not it was something I imagined in a trance like hypnotic state, whether it really came from a cellular memory, actually what it doesn't matter. What matter was I had this amazingly huge emotional release like a demon was coming out of me during that. therapy, major, massive emotional release. And after that, from that day onwards, I started to really love myself and look out for myself. And I started to resist all the demands that this Dominatrix was putting on me. And I mean, literally the same day that evening, everybody who saw me said, you look so light and happy and radiant. What has happened? I mean, literally I was floating because all of this emotional baggage had left me as a result of the thing.

therapy session. And I mean, it was partly in my mind, it was like, well, she was, I was one of her assailants in a previous life. And it's like the karma is coming back so I can accept so much more easily what she's doing to me. But it was just an amazing release. And from that point onwards, I think it was about six months of more and more releases just kept happening until finally I thought, I love myself now because I love myself. And so we had this lovely dinner together. And I her this huge present that I had made because she liked to know that I was putting labour in to give gifts to her. And I made this mosaic of a lotus flower. And I gave, I can't be your slave anymore because I've learned to love myself thanks to you and here's my gift to you and thank you,

but I can't be with you anymore because you've enabled me to love myself. And actually, she was devastated and it was the first time she'd shown me, she'd given a hint of how much she'd appreciated me because she used to just not show me any appreciation or recognition. And that was one of my things as I was trying to get recognition from the woman who was the last person who would give me any recognition. And one of my therapists said, you've got to find that recognition in yourself. That's the issue. You have to find it in yourself and learn to love yourself.

And I did eventually. So it was all amazing story. It's all in the book. And it's a, I mean, the book is very raw and graphic. Some of the BDSM scenes are described in great. detail, like Stephen King kind of detail. And a lot of people, book reviewers have applauded my writing style and saying it's gripping and everything. I mean, I've got, I've got a 4.4 star rating on Amazon US, and that's with at least 100 reviews, I think, or 80 reviews or something,

150 ratings or something. So it's a really hardcore account of some of the BDSM torture scenes, but actually it goes much deeper than that. And it's this whole journey of learning to love yourself and the tricks that the mind plays on yourself, the delusion and how you work through it. Yeah, no, I mean, to me it's very clear what was going on. And I love this story because even if you're not into BDSM, you know, people play this out all the time in certain ways.

People who for one reason or another just do not feel worthy or do not love themselves. and in order to get back to it, they are sort of living out the same story. And you'll just keep living it out. Like if you didn't sort of have that epiphany with her, you would have had to have 10 more, you know? I had a lot of horrible relationships until I had ones that really completely changed me. And that's unfortunately what has to happen sometimes. And that's just a part of life. Where are you at now? Like so you leave her. You finally get to that point where you love yourself enough to break this big pattern in yourself. And then what happens after that?

So I left her at the end of 2014 and I would say Kathy it took me about two years to completely get over her. Right. Because I still completely loved her and I left her. But I loved myself too, so I left her. But it took about two years, a very, quite a difficult two years. I mean, the first year was a nightmare. I was just, I kind of had a little bit of PTSD, I think. I mean, I, you know, there's all sorts of things that were triggered in me.

maybe Stockholm syndrome and all sorts. It took me about two years to get over her. But what I noticed immediately is that I wasn't falling into the same traps that I used to do because I always fall for straight women. And they would show me love as a friend and I would think that was a signal. So I would think they were leading me on and stuff. But that all of that stopped. I was reading situations much better and not getting tricked emotionally.

And anyway, in two, so four years after I split up with her and that sounds like a long period of time but it's not i i started dating this japanese woman and we are now living together and we've been living together for five four years now she's not she's not into bdsm but you see i i mean look i'm still i'm still sexually turned on by bondage and humiliation but i would never become a slave to dominate tricks i would never allow someone to inflict pain on me anymore because that was all part of the self-loathing so the bd BDSM that I was interested in sexually is just bondage and humiliation, but only within a controlled environment. And I don't actually really need it anymore. So my relationship now with this woman,

she's by the relationship, we just have vanilla sex, which is totally happy. I'm 52 now, Kathy, and actually there are so many things that are more important than sex and companionship. We have a lot of intimacy, we kiss and cuddle, but we certainly don't need to do any BDSM. anymore. I mean, she's not into BDSM, as I said, but I don't need to do any BDSM anymore. I'm just in such a happy, comfortable place that the relationship is really rich and loving and balanced. There's no possession. There's no possessiveness. There's no jealousy. There's no lack of confidence. We both want each other to be happy. There's no hierarchy. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, I'm a bit of a control freak.

there, but there's no hierarchy. Right, of course, but that's just your personality. But, I mean, you know, I was confused, and I'm glad that you sort of brought it up, that there's no more pain because you did say, I remember you saying in the beginning, like, you know, for you, you were never into pain when it came to BDSM. It was just humiliation and being tied up, but then you got into all this pain that you were inflicting on yourself. So you really were like taking that emotional pain and turning it into physical, and that

was the only reason why you were playing that out, because that was never what you were into. So you kind of came full circle. I was never, yeah, exactly. I was never into pain and what I think was happening was that under the whip with a dominatrix, I was triggering two things. One, the fact that this woman was giving me intimate attention and I just craved it so much because I've been so unsuccessful as a lesbian woman, always falling for straight women

and just getting this attention from women. So that was one thing that was triggering for me. It's made me feel great submitting to a woman to get her attention. And two, I was being punished because I was a bad robot. You know what I mean? I was a bad person because I was a lesbian and that was bad. And I'm getting the punishment and that tapped into that deeper psychological subconscious sense that I was not worthy, that I was defiled and that I should be punished.

And that gave me some kind of redemption to feel pain. So it was a And once I learned to love myself, I didn't need to feel that anymore, you see. Yeah, yeah, of course. So, but because I was interested in bondage and humiliation, that's what led me into the BDSM world

where people are enjoying pain for sexual reasons. I mean, it's so, they're so complicated, some of the relationships and some of the complexes of why people are into BDSM. But I was definitely not a masochist, because I wasn't turned on by pain and I never was, but some people are.

And as I've said, I think it's because at the point of birth, they've downloaded the pain of the mother at this euphoric moment and fused it in their brains. But that hadn't happened to me. I was interested in bondage and humiliation. So it's, I have no craving for pain whatsoever. I wouldn't want to go back there at all. I look back at the years that I was with Tomo, this dominatrix, I just think I was an utter lunatic.

But I understand why I went through it. I understand. But I would never do those things again. Not in a million years. Yeah, I love that. When did you realize you were like interested in writing a book? Were you always a writer? I mean, listen, I'm on your Amazon page.

And your book won so many awards. You've got the best reviews on here. Oh, yeah. Talk about like captivating, riveting. Like, I mean, you're, you know, why write a book? And were you, like, are you a writer? Like, how did you write this book and why? So this is the only book I've published.

So remember I said that I went to England and was doing these entrepreneurial things and got onto this reality TV show? I was so stressed. The way I dealt with it was just by downloading all my thoughts into a diary, into a kind of a journal on a computer each day. And it just became a habit. Anyway, in 2012, when I was living in Dubai and looking to move back to Southeast, I was, I was reading a Bible passage, because I was kind of quite Christian at that time, and I was reading a kind of a booklet with the Bible. And the passage for the day or something was about how you're going to write about your experiences. You're going to go through a lot of pain and struggling and suffering, but you're going to write about your experiences because it will help others grow because people will be able to relate to the experiences that you go through. And it was just so, weird. It was like, this is my calling, this is my mission. And I thought, ah, I have to, because the relationship with Tomo, I just met her in Bali, and I thought things had started. We were

emailing each other. I thought, I need to write about this relationship. And this is talking about this relationship. And I know this relationship is going to be really painful and a hard struggle. And boy, yes, it was. And so I just kept a diary because I had this deep down feeling that it was one of my life purposes and missions in life. to A, have this relationship with this woman, and B, write about it because the trauma that I would go through telling the story would help others to grow. And this is one of the things about this book is that I've had people comment and review and write to me and say how it's really helped them. I mean, for example, one man wrote a comment on one of my YouTube videos. He said, I'm a disabled man.

I'm a cross-dresser. And I can't thank you enough for writing this book. it's helping me to peel the layers of who I know I am as a person and my sexuality. So that was really the ultimate objective of the book is to help people. If somebody is in a situation where the record keeps repeating or the history book keeps repeating itself. We touched on this a bit earlier. You said, you know, if you keep having these same toxic relationships again and again and again, you eventually have to look internally and say, what's wrong with me that I keep a track

these kind of people into my life. And if my book, if somebody who's in that situation reads my book as a revelation, that penny-drop moment, oh my God, this is me. I'm stuck in this cycle. And I have to look internally and find a way to learn to love myself. Otherwise, this will keep repeating for the rest of my life. And if my book inspires somebody to take that next step, well, that will have been a triumph. And I know that's already happened. happened because of some of the feedback I've had. So that was the ultimate objective. And it's a, it's a, it's a really wonderful thing. Thanks for looking at the Amazon page, by the way. And I totally forgot to mention that I have had five book awards now. Winner, finalist, fine. I'm a good salesperson.

I'm a good salesperson. Winner, finalist, finalist, finalist, finalist. I mean, you know, and like I said, I was looking at the stuff. I'm like, you really got to talk this up because it just sounds like an amazing book. Like your reviews are off the charts. Like I said, you won tons of words, listen, I think that just like you went to that past life reading and had an epiphany and the light bulb just like went off like boom, like that happens in people's lives and you never know how and where it's going to happen. When what's happening with your book is it's doing that to people, right? And that's like really powerful. But besides that, it just sounds like a great read, right? If you just love BDSM and rich sort of storytelling and like you said, you go to many different countries and you

travel and it's very cinematic. Like, I think it's obviously just a great book of someone's even just into great stories, right? But, uh, absolutely. It reads very much in spite of it being a memoir. It reads very much like a novel. So a lot of people say, I've just read this book in one sitting because I couldn't put it down. It was so gripping. So it, but it does, I should, I should mention it has triggers. So, uh, some of the BDSM torture scenes are very graphically described. And some people, I mean, some of the reviews are lovely to say, oh, Hendrik is a master of suspense. She writes like Stephen King. I couldn't, occasionally, though, I had to put this book down because it's really nauseous.

But I couldn't wait to pick it back up again and see what happens. I mean, that's the extent of the raw graphic details. And because it's a true story, it has a bit more impact than if you're reading a really gory story that's fiction. If you know that it's a true story. And everything in the book is absolutely true. I mean, I changed some of the settings for artistic drama. I mean, most of the conversations I had with Tomo happened in a bar or restaurant or in my house. But we reset some of those at an art museum.

Just because otherwise it becomes very dull for the reader. Apparently, you're allowed to do that in memoirs just so that you keep the readers hooked. But essentially the whole story is true from something. start to end. So, yeah, powerful and disturbing, someone says right here. Yeah, no, I love it. Exactly. Yeah, I love it. I'm so glad that you came on and told your story. I think a lot of people are going to want to go and buy your book. It is exclusively on Amazon. I will put a link to it directly in the description. So anyone listening that wants to go get it, it's right there. Thank you for coming on and sharing your story. I could, you know, listen, like I said, I haven't

read your book, but I could tell by the way you're talking. about it, buy your reviews, by all your accolades for it, you know, and all the awards that it's obviously a great read. And I will put a link for people who want to go and purchase it. But thanks so much for coming on and telling your story. It was super interesting. I love your journey. To me, that's real life. Thank you, Kathy. You know, I like real life stories. And I love when they're told with the solution at the end. You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I talk to people sometimes in the middle of a journey. But it's, it's so great to hear a story that, you know, has a beginning and a middle and an end and

an amazing revolution and transformation. You know, that's when you write a book when you're at that point. That's the perfect time. Well, yeah, exactly. I mean, thank you so much for having me, Kathy. It's been great chatting with you. You're such a good listener and you've been really touching on all the pertinent angles as well. I mean, I feel like you and I were almost kindred spirits, actually, some of what you've been saying.

So it's been wonderful chatting with you. Thank you so much. Yes. Thank you so much, Elizabeth, for calling in. This was great. And I will send you an email when the episode comes out, and I'll use your book cover as a picture. I'll put it on my page on. It's a great book cover, by the way.

I love it. It's killer. Thank you very much. Well, that won an award too. So there you go. The book cover won an award. It's silver medal for that. Yeah.

It's killer. It's killer. So I'm going to use that. Anyway. I'm going to use that to promote it. But thank you so much for calling in. This was great. All right, Kathy, thank you very much.

I'll talk to you again soon. Thanks again for having me on your show. All the best. Thank you. Bye. Okay, I just want to tell you before you go that my book, it's called Strictly Anonymous Confession, Secret Sex Lives of Total Strangers, is now available not only in paperback and ebook, but you can pre-order the audiobook.

It's still not going to be out until August 25th, but you can pre-order it. it. The book is basically 17 different stories taken from my show. I kind of picked one story from each category that I talk about on my show. Like there's a hot wife story. There's a cuck queen story. There's a cuck story. There's a gang being girl story. Like I said, 17 stories. And they're all told in the third person. And they're all true. I took the interview and rewrote it in the third person. And I wouldn't really call it like a total erotica book. Think like Penthouse letters. It's more direct.

It's not so over the top like erotica. I don't really like that kind of vibe, right? But these are true stories. 17 of them. They're really short chapters, easy read. You could read, you know, one or two and then skip around. You could read the whole book. It's available in eback format, paperback format.

And finally, the audiobook is available. coming out August 25th, but you could pre-order it now. And if you buy my book in any format or pre-order it, I will throw in a complimentary link to my Discord. My Discord does not disappoint. Okay, there's no way you get into my Discord any other way than getting the link from me. Okay, I give it to people who buy my book. There's tons of people in there. Everybody shares content with each other. And that's what you get to do there. You could post your own pictures and videos. There's tons of channels. We have lots of contests where you can win a lot of money. It's a super fun place to be. It's a total strictly anonymous community and you will love it. I will be giving anyone

who buys my book access to my Discord. It's private, like I said. All you got to do is email me a screenshot of your purchase, whether you did the audiobook, the ebook or the paperback. Send it to me at strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com. And I will send you the link to Discord. So anyway, thanks so much for tuning in. This is the Strictly Anonymous podcast. Bye-bye. Bye. Good news. Strictly Anonymous Podcast is looking for people to call into the show.

So if you lead an interesting, naughty secret life that you want to talk about while remaining anonymous or not anonymous, if you're out and proud, that's cool too. Send me an email, Strictly Anonymous Podcast at Gmail. That's strictly anonymous podcast at gmail.com or go to my website, strictly anonymous podcast.com and click on, be on the show. If you have a short confession that you want to get off your back, call my confessions hotline. 347, 4203579. That's 347, 4203579. You could call that number 247. I change all the voices on the confessions too. So you remain anonymous, the number, the website, and the email address will all be in the description.

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