Stuff Island - A Song of the Open Road w/ James McCann - Stuff Island #121

Episode Date: February 21, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow James on IG: https://www.instagram.com/jdfmccann Check out James’ Pod and YT channel: - James Donald Forbes McCann Catamaran Plan: pod.link/1600020707 - https://youtube.com/@JamesDonaldForbesMcCann Save over 50% PLUS free shipping on Provia’s introductory package at proviahair.com/STUFFISLAND Go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Beautiful mixed race woman on the subway Really? Yeah Because you were wearing that jacket? She goes like, I've dated a lot of Australian guys She was trying everything And then she said, she said her, she's like, my boyfriend He's always getting angry at me for staying out

You know, saying I'm flirting with guys And then she gets a go, no she's she's doing that on purpose she was super drunk trying to have sex with a man on the subway yeah when did you find out that you were australian uh pretty good she overheard me talking just tossing a boomerang on the subway she sold the baby kangaroo in his coat i think i said retardo at one point oh sick oh you're adding O to things yeah oh wait well I mean

she probably heard the but when she first approached you she didn't know you were Australian she just saw the sexy I gotta say she was so beautiful I don't remember a lot of the conversation

that we had yeah dude that's nuts she made the first move just based on this she really it was a hot I know wow

yeah it's unbelievable no I'm not saying that's a bad thing no it's weird I've never felt more sexually powerful than in Brooklyn. Like, I really... Oh, yeah, you are... These hurt women who have lived their homes

in a disappointing appearance and have an ass to drink. Yeah. Yeah. You are a hot... Finally, it's paying a dividend. I didn't know that there was a place I could go to become a hottie. Oh, no, yeah. You are...

You rule the roost in Brooklyn. I would die of AIDS if I moved here. Very quickly. I would destroy my family and I would die of AIDS. The Brooklyn aesthetic is like falling through a lost and found. Like you have items on you that don't really make sense. Yeah. You know what I mean?

You got glasses and a beard. This is the fur coat. A very badly maintained beard. An accent. A little accent. But it's also a place where people would beat you to death. I'm pretty sure that happens. Used to be.

Every now and again. There was a big news story about a white guy who was trying to help a homeless guy and they stabbed him in the chest. Good. I like this. This keeps the numbers down of these fucking influx white girls with purple bangs coming in from Iowa.

We need more stabbings and shootings. So they don't come in and ruin the coffee prices. What are the coffee prices? We're up there. $8 for a large drip? That is a lie. It's crazy. No, it's not.

I'll take you around the corner. It's $6, probably. That's nuts. I'm a big tipper, baby. He's tipping $3 on a cup of coffee. Yeah, I'm trying to hook up with the chick. I went to a Dunkin' Donuts. She looks like James.

Yeah, she had a fur coat on. I got a fucker. She's a beautiful woman. That's great. They tried to. I went to a Dunkin' Donuts. She looks like James. Yeah, she had a fur coat on. I got to fuck her. She's a beautiful woman. That's great. They tried to get me to tip at Dunkin' Donuts today. Yeah. Have we started? Yes.

Yes, yes, yes. So they're aggressively asking you, saying like, here's the tip? Or is it just coming on the screen? It just comes on the screen. To me, that's new. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you guys don't tip at all do you

know as european rules no you get a living wage and yeah they pay them accordingly we don't want to reward charismatic that's all your culture i think is like yeah you can look at people and smile and yeah you can work your way up as a servant starbucks employees have like insurance they have it's like a good gig what in australia no here like it's a nice living i thought that starbucks people were protesting all the time oh that's uh palestine yeah yeah it's different a lot of starbucks money they don't care yeah yeah as soon as the fucking woke shit happened everything was rainbows you think star Starbucks is playing both sides?

Of course they are. Yeah, yeah. Hamas is getting all of their- They're a fucking white conglomerate that's like, pay me fucking money. I'll say whatever you want. I don't know. Fuck the Jews today. Are the Jews big coffee drinkers?

I feel like Hamas is big coffee drinkers. You gotta get energy digging tunnels. The Expressive? Or maybe the Red Bull. This tunnel thing is real, right? I don't want to hop on a bed of tunnels. Oh, it's 100% real. How big were the tunnels? I only saw that. This tunnel thing is real, right? I don't want to harp on about tunnels. How big were the tunnels?

I only saw that there were tunnels. This doesn't help me to know about it. I don't think they made it that far. I mean, they're not really construction people. I don't know. I saw a hottie fixing the door outside of... Do you think they were building the pyramids in full costume? Just collapsing in the air. hottie fixing the door outside of uh do you think they were building the pyramids in full costume just collapsing their little ropes were getting caught between the big rocks and they couldn't move

using their sideburns to weight the brow yeah they twirly another giant ton block that must have been nuts they were good at basketball once, is my understanding. Jews? Yeah, like after World War I, back when they weren't letting black people play basketball, the Jews were the poor people in New York. Yeah.

We sent all our athletes to war. So they were just scurrying around. Oh, true. Now we can play. Now I got a ball back. And you'd just be looking at the court being like, you were 4F? Yeah.

I don't think so, man. Now you got a lung condition. And then the soldiers came home like, give me the fucking ball. Get out of here. Wait, what Jews were good at basketball? You know, that's a big claim, but I don't have any big names.

But I think Shaq. I think you might be good at basketball. Shaq Greenberg Shaq Weinstein I know the Jews are big fans of basketball Well they are very bad at sport I don't know if you've looked up Israel in the Olympics But they sometimes get sailing

They're placed for sailing And I think this year there was a big scandal That on the rhythmic gymnastics They got one, but it's not a lot of Is that when they just prance? Yeah. And then people are like, how dare you? Her ribbon wasn't the award-winning ribbon.

You just wore your shield. Give it to Israel. She was using a weighted ribbon. They've got to cut off the little tip of the ribbon. They've got less ribbon to work with. That's cheap and low-up. What are they doing? Judo is another one.

They've got Krav Maga, people who are good at judo. Oh, yeah. That's it. Yeah. Krav Maga. Wait, hold on. What day participate in the Olympics? Yeah.

Yeah. And Eurovision. I don't know if you know about Eurovision. No, what is Eurovision? It's the European song contest, but also Israel's in it and Australia's in it. And then every country has a song that they bring and they perform their song. And then all the countries vote that night and you get the winner. And boy, Israel does not do well with the surrounding.

Yeah, like Azerbaijan does not get behind Israel. Does the countries vote? The countries vote. Oh, yeah. So it'll be like. So it's a rigged. A real blood feud. Like Ireland just will not give votes to the UK.

They remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. Wait, what kind of like... Amy Winehouse was Jewish. Yes. England never puts good people into the Eurovision Song Contest. They think it's beneath them because they've actually got good musicians.

Oh, it's like amateurs only? But everyone else I think is sending their good people. It's just they all suck. It's how like the US plays Olympic baseball. They just send like collegiate... Yeah, yeah so who went for kylie minogue australia man we what we do to try and make peace with our the woke thing and also the commercial reality we take like the x factor or the voice or australian idol and then we just find like a brown person who's been in it from the last couple of years it's like four out of five times it's like an ethnic guy but also a singing contest right yeah

that's how all commercials work you just throw a darker kid in there but you guys don't have that right are there a lot of aboriginals in the there's a lot of mixed race families in our commercials but nothing like nothing like america's every ad. Yeah. Every man. Every silly guy is a white guy. Yeah. No, he's dumb as shit. And every smart guy is a black guy. 100%.

But it's every ad. Yeah. Every single ad. Except when I was in, when I'm in like regional Ohio and there'll suddenly be an ad for like a local law firm and they're all white. And it actually looks poor. Like when a company only has white people in their ad, that's a cheap, shitty company. Yeah. Bring me the black guy now yeah bring me the black guy mexican woman in here to be the doctor yeah they clearly didn't have a casting agency they just found their friends yeah in philly it's like yo come to

scorello and scorello we'll take care of you unlike those blacks it's like now i'm good what was the pizza place that just kept remaking like bud light ads. The fucking place that was like In Philly? Yeah. It was a pizza place in Philly that just kept like some, I think it was called like Mobster's Pizza. Of course. Or something like that. That makes sense. And they'd be like, Pizza!

You know, like whatever the... But they'd like every Bud Light commercial they'd Yeah, they were stealing. Maybe it was Budweiser, the ones that were like, what's that? It was like pizza. You know what I'm talking about? I'm talking about

that trans person. Oh yeah. No, but seriously, it's time to get behind Bud Light. It is. I'm all about it. I can't drink it because I find

all American beers repulsive, but I in principle support Bud Light now. No, but 100% his Foster's isn't that good though, is it? We don't drink it.

I don't know why you still have it here. You can't buy it in Australia. Why? It was banned? Yeah, just by public decree. We weren't happy with that movie. What's an Australian beer? Do you guys have local beers?

Cooper's. Cooper's. Cooper's is the only big family-owned beer. It's great. Bennington's is England? Boddington's. Boddington's. Yeah, yeah. English beer is absolute's great. Bennington's is England? Boddington's. Boddington's. Yeah, yeah. English beer

is absolute dog shit. Most light beers are horrendous. Yeah, Irish beers are great. I mean, Guinness Guinness happens to you. Yeah, Guinness is good. Smittix is good. Stella Retoire makes me angry. Very angry. Why? They call it beta. Like, don't have a couple

Stella Retoires, you'll go home and ruin the family. I'll tell you why. Oh, because you beat people? It dries you out. Yeah, and then you get angry and ready to go. The best light lager I found is the Sapporo. The Japanese Sapporo is wonderful. It's a very honorable

beer. Have you had the big Japanese cans? Yeah, the big Ichiban or something. Go down the, what's that called, the karaoke with the boys? Put yourself in a forest later on? That's the way to have a good night. Are you moving here?

I'm going to move to Austin. Oh, Austin. Let's go. I didn't fucking know that. You didn't say that. We're squadding up. I keep my cards close to the chest. I think I'm moving to Austin.

I'm trying to figure. I'm going back to Australia for a couple months and then back back and we've also got to move three young children of mine you have three kids yeah wow i didn't wait you're gonna move the kids back to australia and then back maybe yes oh my god no it's being observed by my wife that this is insane you're gonna spend like fifty thousand dollars moving books back and forth i'm gonna leave the books i'm gonna actually there are some people in austin i'm gonna call them i'm gonna ask some people in austin if i can leave some you got any spare room in austin i actually do all right i got a shitload if i could leave a couple boxes i got the iliad i got even illich i got what else

did i bring uh tools for conviviality small and easy to read. I got a medieval reader. I got Emma by Jane Austen. I'm reading that at the moment. That's sick. I remember that. I saw that movie and I loved it. With the woman with the eyes on the side of her head. Yeah, Emma. I think her name's Emma something.

Hold on. She was in The Queen's Gambit. She was the chess woman. Oh, wait. They made a remake with it? Oh, yeah. Wait, which one did you see can we get back the beer do you not like jane austen i don't know oh she's a simple she's a wonderful one that teaches

the apes how to like talk right jane goodall that is really the story of little women is that jane austen isn't that no that's uh that's one of yours it's an american lady jane goodall did she is she dead? Wait, did Jane Austen kill herself in the oven? No, Sylvia Plath. Sylvia Plath. I know all my oven suicides. Sylvia Plath put her head in an oven and killed herself.

That's how she did it? Okay, so here's a fun story. Let's go. No, I've got a poem about this. I fell into this wormhole. So she was married to another poet called Ted Hughes. And he was a great poet and she was a great poet. She was very depressed. And so she puts her head in the oven, kills herself.

Ah, this gets very bleak. Sucking the gas? She was kind enough to put the children in another room and put down a wet towel. She sent them to Austin. Don't get the kids, but I need to go. I'm such an idiot. I thought it was the heat. I was like, doesn't it just make that?

It was an electric oven. She really wanted to die. You know how painful that would be? She would be such a boss, dude. Here's the twist. This is the fun twist. Just hold the thermometer and you're like, eating a broiler?

I'm so excited about the thing that comes next in the gag. Or the story. So Ted Hughes gets together with another woman that he leaves her for. Right? So he's with a new woman in the new apartment. She also kills herself in an oven. What? The second woman kills herself with a kid. Wait apartment. She also kills herself in an oven. What?

The second woman kills herself with a kid. Wait, his second wife killed herself in an oven? They didn't get married, but his mistress, who he left her for, and when he was leaving her, she kills herself in the oven. He leaves her for another woman who also kills herself in an oven. No, he's murdering these women. That seems, and he's also a great poet. So the British literary establishment sort of rally around him.

Did they ignore it? Just because women die in your oven doesn't mean we have to jump to any conclusions. Guys get with the pen. The ladies aren't good with an oven. I just like the idea that he's like, hon, I gotta run. Can you take care of the ovens on the fridge? What you do is you suck the gas. You gotta breathe deep.

How is these fries gonna get crispy? And the third time around he's like there's no way this is gonna work again i'm just gonna buy a microwave at that point i do believe oh my god dude you can't murder your wives the same way every you gotta skip every other also steps oven backyard oven yeah why the yeah i don't think he killed them in the oven i think they killed themselves There can't be four women in a row Two women and their daughter

The daughter didn't want to obviously Die in the oven Wait, the two women and his daughter Killed herself? So the mistress had a child that she also Popped in the oven with her Oh, she held the baby And they both went by I don't know how much holding over is

just i mean maybe you just fall asleep in a nicer yeah it's like turning your car on in a garage yes would you put a pillow in the oven yeah yeah it's very uncomfortable little crib jesus christ i'm sorry it's lord's name it's a terrible thing so deep it's the gayest fucking thing it's like just shut, write your dumb shit that makes people feel something for a minute. You can't be that depressed, right? Yeah, it's depressing. Well, that's why you read it all day?

Yeah. And you come downstairs moping? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pissed off at the world? Stop reading poetry. Well, that's what's so painful is that you read it and you go, this is like so good and so perfect. I've never done that. But they're probably

feeling like, well how much poetry are you reading? I mean every time I read poetry I'm like, cool. Maybe you need different poets. Sick. We might have to find. Have you read Walt? I started reading Walt Whitman. I know. I was like over the bridge every day of my life. Growing up in Philadelphia. Was he a Philly guy? I didn't know he was in Philadelphia.

There's a Walt Whitman bridge in Philly. This makes sense of him because I was reading. There's a little oven at the top. You can kill yourself. There's a Walt Whitman Bridge in Philly. This makes sense of him because I was reading something. There's a little oven at the top. You can kill yourself in this lot of traffic. He loved life. He wanted to live. He wants to have sex with all the people reading his poems. I wish I could hold you so closely, person reading this in 100 years.

Dude, he literally writes poems about Civil War soldiers that have their legs blown off, and he's just kind of talking about wanting to fuck them. Yeah. They're like young, hot boys missing their limbs, and he's like, they're so hot. Anybody wanting that level of attention wants a little skeege. No, yeah, he was gay.

He just used to walk around. Oh, he was gay? Yeah, Walt Whitman was gay. Walt? Yeah, like I said, Poach is gay. He was super gay. He used to walk around New York being like, this place is so weird, and I'm gay. And was super gay. He used to walk around New York being like, this place is so weird and I'm gay.

And it did give him a different perspective on things. Now he'd feel very differently. Oh, he'd hate it. I'm at home. It would turn him straight. He'd be tired of this. He'd be like, this is not what I envisioned. I want a weak little soft 18th century gay man.

Not these big muscular gays of today. 19th century. Excuse me. I apologize. Bulky gays. Who else did I read on that uh ralph waldo emerson i think he's yeah he's great robert frost is the man robert frost emily dickinson you've just got like great immediate no i know all the hall of fame names i'm just not gonna

pretend that i know they're all the poems dude what about the jabberwocky what about the jabberwock yeah it was really in the slithy toes just just Geyer and Gimbel in the way. He's had a stroke. I'm like, dude, how good is that? Dude, I watched... Can you turn the oven on? Just make sure it doesn't click all the way. I'll kill myself if you keep citing poetry in my eyes.

What are you talking about? In your eyes? It's creepy as hell. Dude, I watched Alice in Wonderland for the first time the other day. I didn't know there was a lot of Jabberwocky in there. Can you explain to him how many movies you watch a day? No one can understand this. How many hours a day are you sitting on this couch watching?

I didn't watch any movies today. Siskel Niebert would be like, you got to chill, dude. Today I read a portrait of the artist. I hate you so much. When he turns up at that prostitute's house. I didn't get there yet. Are you white? He. When he turns up at that prostitute's house. I didn't get there yet. Are you white? He's going to turn up

at a prostitute's house. Dude, right now, even like something as little as like... Kill the book for him. I think it might be a brothel actually, not just her house. I think I, I don't know. I probably read cliff notes

of it at some point, but I forgot. And then I tried reading Ulysses and I was too... I couldn't do it. I was too dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Grant?

No, he's much more straightforward with his writing. I was drunk. I had to kill a man. That's what I'm talking about. He seemed like a good guy, Ulysses S. Grant. Who would be a regular poet? Like a dude that doesn't pretend to be pretentious. Walt Whitman is kind of a regular dude.

Look around with his big beard, trying to fuck Civil War amputators. Dude, dude, dude. They can't run. Just normal. Normal stuff that we all do. It's easy sex. Read Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman and fucking tell me that you're not like,

this is fucking awesome. I'll read it tonight. It's so good. And it's straightforward. How many pages are we talking? A couple stanzas. There's a couple stanzas. There's two Italians?

Wait Donnie and Tony stanzas Wait Is this the one Is this the one where he's walking around There was some redacted words in the one I was reading But he was like What the song in the open room?

Yeah he says No the other one Oh Huck Finn Yes Oh, Huck Finn. Yes, he was Huck Finn and hard. If this is the one I'm thinking of, I read something on the bus. I just needed to cleave to something beautiful. Yes.

Yeah, to get through the day. Fucking schizophrenic man who would stop telling me about Chris Benoit murdering his family. You dodged a bullet there. Some dude's over your shoulder. You're just ripping through N-words on your phone. You're like, it's poetry.

Well, it just said the word redacted. Anded my thought that can really only be one yeah there's no other word on poetry.com that they're feeling the need to take out of walt whitman it was a different time i'm guessing i'm just yeah yeah i was reading that that james joy's book and there's there's a moment he's like in boarding school or whatever and the kids one of the like bully kids is like you fucking i bet you kiss your mom every night before you go to bed i bet you do that do you do that and he's like yeah and everyone starts laughing and he's like no i don't and then they all start laughing again he's like what's the right answer? It hit me so hard. Just being bullied by a group of guys. No matter what you say, they're like,

this fucking, this fucking, this is his mom before bed. He's like, well, Lucy, I kiss your mommy, your mommy doesn't love you? What do you think? You don't? You don't kiss your mom? Yeah, pussy. And he's like, wait.

It's a beautiful. I remember that beat. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace.com. Go there. Build your website if you need it. I don't know if you're selling little products or you just want to be out there. You want to let people know what you're doing.

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And free shipping at ProviaHair.com slash Stuff Island. That's ProviaHair.com slash Stuff Island. That's ProviaHair.com slash Stuff Island. Boom. Same talent got me drunk. That was a big kiss before bedtime. Mom and dad got one. Honestly, God, my dad was, we were big lovers. Were you a lip-kissing family?

Huh? I mean, you were of Italian extraction? Yeah, you go to the lip. It lips until a certain age. Really? You start going side, then you go to the lip it lips until a certain age and then you start start going side then you go cheek okay you wean off is it wane or wean it's wrong that's what it is yeah you gotta wane off kissing your father on the lips you wean off too yeah you get the five you go oh shit tit you wane like the sun the moon wanes in the

sun so i'm weaning off It's like Italian drugs Kissing your father on the lips Yeah yeah I gotta take it in small doses Until I can come clean This was Tom Brady's not Italian

No And he did a whole thing About kissing his son on the lips You see the video of him Kissing his children I just don't know that he Kid's like fucking 10 He got divorced

Because he played one season of football And he kisses his boy on the mouth That's all I really know about Tom Brady Every absentee father Kiss kisses their son on the lips. You've got to make up with saliva. It's the same way. Anytime you run into a guy who's like, it's about loyalty, respect, and family.

That's what it's about. This is a good poem. This is a good poem. That guy's literally fucking a prostitute cheating on his wife when he's saying it. Every time. Anyone who's like, fucking family is the most disloyal, conniving, slimeball. Because if you're always loyal, it's important.

If you're always good. I don't understand that reference. But that's, of course, right? Because you're doing the bad thing. You feel the suffering of the little Thai lady or whatever is going on in the sand. You're thinking, what am I doing to my family? And so you have to compensate. It's these soft men who never do the wrong thing.

You don't really understand the beauty of what they have not destroyed. 100%. But then it builds up and you do like an Anakin Skywalker thing where you slaughter all the kids. And marry the hooker. He's just in Cambodia going, you ever hear of Walt Whitman? There should be a Star Wars part that is very much like Deer Hunter. You know what I mean? I don't yet.

And you know when he's like, first of all, they're trapped in that fucking jungle. Remember the Deer Hunter. You know what I mean? I don't yet. You know when he's like, first of all, they're trapped in that fucking jungle. Remember the Deer Hunter? Yes, of course. Yeah. And when they're doing the knife thing in Thailand,

there should be like a side story with Anakin doing that kind of shit. Would they put their lightsabers to their heads? Yeah. Space Russian roulette. That'd be pretty pretty sick that's what i'd like to see what a scene though holy fuck yeah that guy that that gets me going that's film that's film you gotta stop watching these black and white films no they're great i watched persona

yesterday can you tell him persona's great persona that's i wouldn't just yeah i took a week off from talking to anybody after i watched persona yeah have you seen persona no but i'm about to hear about it it's just an actress is destroyed psychologically she can't talk anymore and she has a weird lesbian like experience on an island yeah and then she gives a 20 minute speech then the other woman you see the same speech from a different angle for no reason. Yeah, it's a dark speech. But then what's great is that ABBA stole the camera angle that they use for the most dark and weird moment of Persona.

The band ABBA? The band ABBA, you know, in Mamma Mia, where it's like one face here and one face there. That's Persona. Mamma Mia. Yeah, where is that? Where are we going? Did they do that?

The queen uses that too, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I thought that was cool. The speech is nuts. That speech like... I feel like I'm interrupting a podcast at a bookstore and I just didn't do my homework.

Dude, I just... You didn't read the book? I didn't do the summer reading. I'm like, oh yeah. Can I see your paper? The doctor sits down. The lesbian doctor lady sits down and is like, we need to talk. And the actress doesn't say anything.

She's like, all right, I'll do the talking. Here's what happened. You were at a party, and someone was like, you have everything. You're on the top of the world. You're an actress. You're an artist. You're a star. The only thing you're missing is mother everything. You're like a, you're on the top of the world. You're an actress, you're an artist, you're a star. The only thing you're missing is like motherliness. You're like not a mother. So that fucked you up. And then you got pregnant. And then everyone was going like saying how beautiful you look as like a pregnant woman and like how like perfectly it fits you. Meanwhile, the whole time you were trying to abort that kid. And then when it didn't work, you got furious that you were going to have this kid and you couldn't fucking deal with it. And then you had the kid and he loved you so much, but you fucking hated him. You were disgusted by him.

You hated his ugly face and his stupid fucking love for you. This sounds like a voice note of my mom. Yeah. And now it fucked you up so bad that you can't talk anymore. It's dark. Jesus.

And then they just play that speech again from a different angle. You get through the speech like, wow, that was a big speech. And then it's like the speech just, not with

any like, and here's why it's happening, they just do it again. And it's all in slimmed down. Wait, so it's just a director's choice to go do it again.

I'm going to jerk myself off, do it a different way. Film six minutes too short. And they kept both angles in the whole film? They get to the end of the first one, and they just play like a corny piano that's just like... And then they just start again. They ran out of budget, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they just start it again. God. I can pick every... Are you... What are you, Tarkovsky? You working through the zone? Oh, yeah, the...

What is it? Seventh Continent? Tarkovsky, I only saw fucking... What is it? Not The Stranger, but the... Zona. No. Stalker.

Stalker. Yeah, yeah. The midpoint here is Kurosawa. He's the only one who film nerds and bros like going to see. Oh, yeah. It's like a beautiful shot, and then a guy's hacking someone open with a sword. Give and take. He's a Japanese guy.

He's more generous, yeah. Kurosawa made all the good Westerns. He just made them with fucking samurai before. Tarantino type yeah yeah it's all he invented the blood like the kill bill blood there was an accident on set and it was meant to like come out over five minutes and it all just came out at once i want to set the timer wrong on the bag or something and he's like leave that in that was cool this is explosive blood pack yeah the blood plaque exploded what did they use for the explosion the uh i don't know he actually really did have to die yeah it was the japanese are a little more fast and loose dude i just watched another uh it was on twitter

of the the blades ripping through that dude and a kid on the set of um i did not see this what's the movie uh it's an action movie with like does it really happen yeah ah yeah there's footage of it it kills an actor holding a child is a child all right and they have a live no gonzo oven uh the helicopters like hovering over this lake it's like a like a I don't know if it's a war image. I'm fucking brutalizing this. Yeah, yeah. You see the copter like lose control and it falls into this water

and the blades come down at an angle and just rip through. Oh my God. It changed apparently movie sets. Like you can't do certain things because. Yeah. We still need them to get in the way. But I got rid of X because of this.

Because every day I would wake up and like bleary eyed, children screaming. I would open Twitter, X, and snuff every day. Oh, yeah. It's awesome. The last one I did was the hockey player who like. Oh, the sliced neck? Yeah.

Died out. I was done. I don't want to. Yeah. Died out. I was done. I don't want to see... That happens so infrequently, though. It's like, you can't change rules. I know. No, but then the next day, it's like a woman in Russia

jumping into a cold plunge. That was awesome. But there's a river and she's just gone. Sucked. It's every day. There's a dead guy. It's weird that it always makes me

feel a little bit better when it's in a different country. Because we only get shootings. They're interesting elsewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. get shootings they're interesting elsewhere yeah yeah yeah they're like yeah there's always my favorite is the the russian ones where people just dive in front of cars yeah what yeah well like sometimes people are trying to kill themselves but sometimes they're just trying to get like an insurance payment yeah so someone will be like at a stoplight not moving and someone will like walk in front of their car why isn't tucker talking about that while he's walking around Moscow? Why isn't he?

Dude, that happened to me in Philly. Really? Guy jumped in front of a car to get money? No, it was a lady with her Down syndrome child. Okay. We're driving on Broad Street. That's what I got. Just threw the kid in front of the car.

True story. This is persona. I'm driving back from Drexel. I'd stayed on Temple's campus in North Philly. Bad neighborhood. Okay. You don't know it. And there's a four-lane road

that kind of runs high speed. You can get to like 45, 50 miles an hour. I'm getting into the turning lane, and as I'm slowing down, they're just walking across a busy intersection they're frogger they're playing frogger they're just like fuck it yeah which is a red flag going oh okay they're you know this might be a money grab i slow down a bit the woman like pushes herself into my side view mirror and it rips her purse off so i pull over into this like little lot yeah at the red light making sure she's okay

and i was like you okay and the girl goes and then the mother goes no she ain't okay she ain't okay and i was like you're fine your purse is you have your purse yeah i'm gonna leave and this other dude comes out of nowhere he's like you ain't going nowhere and there was like i got like cornered they took my plates after i left i got summoned to go to court they tried to sue for like four hundred thousand dollars and they they settled out of court with my insurance company for like two grand it took like it took like three months crazy constant battling because this woman like there's a better way for like two grand. It took like three months. Crazy. Of constant battling.

Because this woman like literally. There's a better way to get two grand. I don't know. I don't know. It's pretty sick, dude. You take a white dude in a brand new car in North Philly, throw your purse around the side view mirror. You're in poverty.

But she had to hire a lawyer, right? Can you sue someone with just like government representation? No, but like there's bottom feeding everyone. There's a bottom feeding lawyer. I'll take it. Man, when I was on my way into New York, I was listening to, in the car, Hot 97. And there was an ad. I thought it was a song because there was organ music and it went for like a full minute. And it's just a man screaming out, when you broke your leg in that car accident, who got you that money?

Top dog lawyer. Oh, yeah. Big big dog whatever it was yeah what i thought it was like off the new kanya album or something it was just a man screaming yeah you gotta get only top dog lawyers will help you yeah change your message for the people oh that's the best the the, the shitty like hip hop radio stations like have like, it's like Benny, the buzzsaw Johnson is the lawyer. And he's a real buzzsaw. The one I hear, one I heard number comes up like, it is funny.

Jesus. They can't even get JG Wentworth on you. This doesn't happen in the Midwest as much. This is like a coastal. No, they do. even get JG Wentworth on here? This doesn't happen in the Midwest as much. This is like a coastal underclass thing. Every city has like a big name lawyer

that's taking is doing all of the asbestos and like slip and fall. We had Rand Spear growing up. Yeah, Rand Spear, the injury Joe. Yeah. Is that really, the injury Joe. And then, yeah. Is that really what he went by?

That's what me and my buddies would do every time he came on the screen. Fine, I'm Rand Spear, the injury Joe. That was like the weatherman, too, was the weather Jew. That guy was everywhere. Well, they all controlled the weather. Yeah, there may not be one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. was the weather Jew. That guy was everywhere. Well, they all controlled the weather. Yeah, there may not be one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A puppeteer.

He's like, I've decided to create a snowstorm today. It's actually going to storm tonight, I think. Is it? Yeah. Snow? Tonight or tomorrow. I talked to my father for the first time in a while. Told him I'm moving to Texas.

He goes, good fucking luck. Because he went to school there. Yeah, it's going gonna snow tonight and tomorrow that's only three inches oh all right get a couple more snows in before austin that's nice isn't that nice do you like the snow i love it but i'm afraid of it and because i keep slipping on i don't know how to spot ice on the ground this is never a part of my this is the first time i've seen snow it's like two months ago it's not that fun dodge the shine. You just got to take short, choppy steps. But then sometimes there'll be like a thin powder of snow

and you'll think it's safe. Oh, yes. And it's not. Yeah. It's just concrete with every step is covered in ice. You take your life in your hands, yeah. Also, it gets very dirty and ugly after a couple of days. Disgusting.

Yeah. That's what pissed me off about this snowstorm is it snowed a lot but it was too warm and it melted so fast. I like when you get a full day when the whole city is just covered in snow. A mess.

And then the next day, look, it's going to turn sloppy and shitty but you should get one beautiful day. I want a 30 inch dump by the time we get out of here. Oh yeah.

I want cars' hoods to bend. I do. I at least want to spend one winter in a place that gets like 15 to 20 feet of snow you've been watching too many of these

Ingmar Bergman movies yeah his dream yeah no dude just a log cabin I want to be in a country where people speak

a different language and they cry about not securing an abortion and then you get there and you're like banging on the neighbor's door going,

can I have some milk? Because I don't know how to get anywhere. Oh, that would be good. No, they're not there. They're playing chess with death in the next room. Thinking seriously about morality. Seventh seal. Somebody's picking through our trash.

Get out of there! Did you put your trash out already? Get out of there! Get out of there! Did you put your trash out already? Get out of there! Get out of there! I'm surprised they're not saying anything back. We are out of there! I wasn't in there! You had nothing good!

What do they want from the trash? The glass. The glass and cans. Can you make money from the glass and cans? They get five cents a pop. I'm convinced that the only real recycling that ever gets done is the people that that uh what's so yeah they pick through the glass and actually put it because if you there's a little like market you can take it to and just deposit all your yeah there's like a little

machine and they give you 10 cents a can five cents a can five cents a can i think some bottles are 10 it's nice but it's a lot of fucking work and some some do it correctly some will rip the side of the bag open but then like try and tighten it tie it off okay but like these the bags we buy in bulk they're not strong enough so then but you just have bags on the street like you don't have cans there's no cans what happened to the cans in little in sesame street they always had cans oh like a garbage can yeah i don't know people's garbage cans in real places i'm excited for not having crackheads ripped through my trash in austin it'll be the first time in i have to move to a certain part of austin 20 years i don't know i have that there surely i don't know no i'm in a neighborhood i don't know who's been it was but there was a guy

who's doing a bit about how he can't throw out his trash can he like keeps putting it he's putting it on the side of the road and they won't take it you gotta cut it out yeah i'm trying to throw out my trash can would you please take it you just put trash on the side of the trash can like yeah i know it's trash it's where the trash goes no seriously dude please take this i put two pairs of sneakers outside it was they were gone in fucking 10 minutes that's the good That's where the trash goes. No, seriously, dude. Please take this. I put two pairs of sneakers outside. They were gone in fucking 10 minutes. That's the good part.

You get rid of your trash quick here if it's re-wearable. I'm looking at the size of your feet to see if I can... What do you need? 13s. Why? What? No, I don't know. In your country, it's a different number. I'm a 45 European.

I'm your size. Oh, I'm 42 Euro. You look like a 10. You look like a 10. No, that's an 11. I think 42 is 9 Okay And then 44

Or 43 is 10 You said 44? 45 Yeah you're big That's a big foot The kid's got a big foot He does have a big foot I'm a regular Drake over here

With my big fluffy penis on the bed Everyone showed me that video last night I kept saying I don't want to see it. And all the ladies were like, no, it's cool. I have it. I have it right here. I've saved on favorites.

That boy's slanging. Yeah, he's doing fine. And he's beaten off at like 75% capacity. This thing's fucking bending. Yeah. It's turning a corner. I'm straight watching this, dude. I wonder if he can fill that thing all the way up.

I think so. I think he would need someone in the room i think he was just sending a girl a beat-off video in a mirror that sounds like insane to me to do that at that level of celebrity he had a little mistakes blanket covering his anus he was lying on the bed it was uh not pleasant i didn't want to see it was it a nice bedroom? Like not really You can't tell enough Yeah You can't It's like blurry

You can't get the vastness It wasn't like there was A chandelier there The lighting sucked Yeah I just expected him To have a better Set up

Somewhere That could be like a den You know what I mean? It could be someone's Maybe an ex-lover It could be the fifth bedroom Of his giant mansion Could be his kids bedroom

Yeah But I guess Maybe that is a smart move. Like, if you are a big celebrity and you're sending a dick video, you make it sort of hard enough to tell that it's you. That's the thinking man's dick video. But you're letting them know proof of life. That's a conspiracy. It's like, this dude wanted this out. He's like, fine like fine i gotta show these

motherfuckers my heart for sure i gotta get this fucking beef out well apparently like he had he was people accused him of having a tiny penis oh is that what happened yeah yeah i i didn't know this but apparently like there were rumors going around that he had a tiny penis like the whole time i think it's just personality you can't keep these hot bitches in his bed it's not his hog i know that maybe he's got no rhythm. You know? Yeah, maybe he's just all... He's not a great dancer. Maybe he's just all business.

There was someone who made a good point that, like, nobody's getting better... Nobody's better at getting pussy than the dude with no job. Let's go. Because they have all the time in the world. Get out of there! Pussy hands!

They have all the time in the world. You know of there! Pussy hound! They have all the time in the world. You know what I mean? They can be like constantly... To what? Stalk women? Yeah. Checking in, responding to texts, being like there all the time, whatever. You're not a fucking mayor, dude. What? A regular job guy can get pussies. I'm saying Drake. The reason why he might

have trouble holding on to it is because he's busy. You know? He's in the lab, dude. I think people help him with some of that, though. Yeah. What do you mean? He has writers. He's got a pack of pussy hounds that go, come with us. Well, yes, both the women and the creative process,

I think he's exploiting these. You go to a concert, there's like security guards picking fat-ass women, come backstage. This was when Russell Brand was getting done. I'm certain of this. Do you remember this? When the Russell Brand, like, this man's a degenerate sexual. Sex addict.

And they were like, he would have people at shows. Yeah. Picking out women for sex afterwards. Yeah. That's like, yeah, that's been in every movie about a rock star for the last 50 years. Also, the whole sex addict thing. I don't fucking believe this.

It's like, yeah, everybody wants that opportunity opportunity how often are you doing it are you destroying your life man i was i opened for a man who was later revealed to be a sex addict you what i performed for a guy who was later came out that he was a sex addict he made me fuck him it was very upsetting you said it was a one-time thing yeah it, it was crystalline. Why not just say it was crystalline? But I did note that he, you know, no tales out of school. Wait, are you saying honestly it is? Yeah, it's crystalline. I opened for crystalline in Australia.

It was very nice and very pleasant. I don't have a bad word to say. I'm a great comedian. Yeah. But he did, you know, I think he'd had a sex with a woman before the show. First of all, it was the first show he'd done in Australia. So he was jet lagged. He hadn't slept in like 15 hours. He had sex with a woman before the show. Went out with a woman after the show. First of all, it was the first show he'd done in Australia. So he was jet lagged. He hadn't slept in like 15 hours.

He had sex with the woman before the show. Went out with the woman after the show. And while he's out with that woman, he's texting the third woman afterwards. And it's like, if you haven't slept in 30 hours and you need to have sex with three women and do a show, that's got to be making you unhappy at some point. Yeah, I think that's a compulsion. I think

he could have a mercy testicular removal. Just to help him get something else into the day at that point. You'd think at some point he'd have a beer, you know? Well, that's a problem. Yeah, it's like have a drink. Chill out. You know what I mean? That edge you're feeling.

I'm off the alcohol just for Lent. I gave it up. And I am agitated all the time. Every negative feeling I could have that I usually drink, I just have a couple of beers in the evening to relax after a hard day. I'm smoking a lot. Yeah? Yes, and they're very expensive here.

I've been hitting the – Oh, smoking cigs. Oh, smoking cigarettes. Oh, no, not the – I'm afraid of marijuana. No, dude, my girl turned me on to this brand that has like four different levels. I think it's called Calm is the brand of a pen. So the first level is one to six ratio of THC to CBD, which is nothing. It's mostly calming.

The second one is like Relax, where it's like three to, I don't know. I would jump from that to opium immediately. I know myself well enough though really you have a problem with that shit you like downers yes oh i do not oh man no when i was in university and i discovered you could have a codeine cold and flu medication and a bottle of wine and just have the best night of i mean sadly it kills you after all the liver shuts down you're like i used to call that benny wallops benny wallop me and this girl used to take Benadryl and then drink wine. So you take like two or three doses of Benadryl,

drink a bottle of wine, you get Benny Wallops. And you're just like, oh, my God. It made going on stage a delight because you just feel like full of, my timing was better. No, dude. I was like Lil Wayne up there. It was incredible. I tapped into a part of myself that only.

That's a problem. If your timing is good and your thoughts are there, that's a scary part. It was a taste of paradise. Yes. Yeah. Damn. I wonder if there's anyone who's like that all the time.

Just happy? Just like feeling it like that totally sober. You know what I mean? Can't be, right? You can't like them. They can't be interesting. Not in know what i mean can't be right you can't like them they can't be interesting not in this town yeah i mean it they can't be comics beat you down yeah do you know you ever met a comic that's like always happy that doesn't have a past no and if they are now they're medicated because they were a drug addict or alcoholic yeah yeah they were they were a drug addict or alcoholic. Yeah, yeah.

They were doing something else. Hey, man, trying to turn this ship around. Shut up. Read poetry. I was like, Matt McCusker seems like, of all the people I've met in America, like he's the furthest away from a full existential breakdown as a comedian. Everyone else I feel is like two things away. But he seems calm

that's maybe i know i know i i feel the same way but he i wonder if he's yeah yeah but he does a lot of mushrooms and weed there yes there are other things happening too yeah i wonder so we're talking we're talking sober seance type shit because he's got a fire there's a fire in there for sure well yeah but i mean i don't know many sober american comedians at all drugs are a big thing it's all supplements in the morning and micro dosing throughout the day and then something to bring you down at night welcome yeah yeah the drugs are out of this just people go for a run or have a nice meal i gotta fucking deliver i haven't been i don't probably shouldn't say this but this, but my brother's going to like a fish concert or some shit.

And I gave him a bar, a mushroom chocolate bar from our sponsor. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's like, yo, I got this. He stopped drinking for a while. And he's like, you got to send me more of that shit. It was like fire. Yeah. So now I have.

You got box loads. I ordered a fanny pack for the gym drunk and it came in and it's like miniature and it has like rose gold zippers and i was like i fucked up so i'm packing this thing with mushroom bars mushroom sprays mushroom gummies yeah mushrooms legal in this country some places okay yeah in washington but the places you're sending it to this is perfectly fine i don't know okay i'm sending it to the mail so no one's gonna check no i don't think so either you had fucking you had a backpack full of mushrooms i i traveled the entire country for a year with like maybe a quarter ounce of mushrooms not knowing i get it

didn't know was in there and never got in trouble yeah i just like forgot that it was in there these were raw mushrooms too it wasn't like yeah it's like nasty moldy dried out by the end of it they weren't no that's they're already at that stage in the beginning they don't i don't know about these look i'm so afraid of the drugs i just stay well you know mushrooms no i've never been on mushrooms little bit of mushrooms is really nice little bit of it seems wonderful my my wife's father is like really into hallucinogens and he's like a set and setting it's going to be fine i'm like yes i'm telling you i'm barely holding on if we were just take a little bit no i can't it's like what you it's like what people

describe weed being like but i more control you know it's smoking weed for me is actually a fucking nightmare it's like an immediate like anxiety attack and panic a little bit of mushrooms is like the like the glowy warm feeling that people tell you it should be i yearn for i like the negativity because it lets me know i'm doing something wrong like i would if i could medicate that away i would just i would still i would be in a basement in adelaide now oh yeah if i wasn't having like constant panic attacks that something is desperately wrong with the way you're describing what was the drug with wine that you oh codeine codeine yeah it's that

without the liver damage because it's natural i i i would leave my family and just immediately find a way to do that all of the time i I know myself well enough that I have to stay the fuck away. I hear heroin is outstanding. I see these people on the street in the Steubenville and they're all heroin and they just look so happy. Content? Yes. Sleepy. Nice.

They're in a place that I want to get to. You took a small dose of mushrooms. Which of us is bad I don't know I think even heroin I don't doubt it it's not as severe as you think it's like a calming relaxation

I want the bath salts I want to get someone's face off well dude if you take 3 grams of mushrooms I feel like you'll be anxiety ridden feeling guilty feeling terrible peeling your brain apart that's what that's what happens to me the marijuana gummies are everywhere every ad is like go to sleep have an erection every feeling that you want to have rather than just yeah experiencing you know life that that was the

switch it went from like guys weed shouldn't be illegal it's not that bad and then once it became like a product you could actually sell it became like it's medicine it cures cancer yeah fucking does everything and these trucks they got fucking skank weed oh yeah trucks outside of like there's trucks everywhere yeah yeah don't trust smell they've got to make the smoking in public it's like anti-ans in the mall yeah they're like pumping they like pump it out it's an anti-ant oh it's like a pretzel. It's a pretzel place. You know when you walk in the mall,

it's like cinnamon and butter. It smells so good. Yeah, yeah. You immediately go like, I need to get a pretzel. It's like walking past a cookie factory. We do have cookie factories. Hot dogs we don't do in public.

What do you need to experience in America? What can we do for you? I don't know. I mean, I was so tired today. We were going to go to the Met, I think. Oh, yeah. But I just... Oh, you got your family here, right?

I think I'm going to take them on the ferry tomorrow. Ferry's great. It's going to be very cold, but it's going to snow. That might be very fun. Could be great. Lose one in the Hudson. Make our life a bit easier, but much sadder. No, it'll be like delicate.

It's only getting one to three inches. All right. I think it'll be very romantic. Take a ferry., but much sadder. No, it'll be like delicate. It's only getting one to three inches. All right. I think it'll be very romantic. Take a fair rank. We went to Central Park. We went to the Dakota to try and see if we could see Yoko Ono. Yeah.

Where's the Dakota? It's just off Central Park. It's where John Lennon and Yoko live. Oh, he's dying. She pitches for the Dodgers now. Is it 72nd? Yeah. It's so nice.

Restructured her contract. And I decided I would become very successful. So that's the only way you could live with a family in New York, I think, is being like a multi-billionaire living in a castle. It's tough. Yeah, it's the only way to do it right. Dude, don't go to the Empire State Building.

I can tell you that. You spent, was it $80 to get in? $80. What? $80 a person to go to the top of the Empire State Building. Jesus, why'd you do that? There's a cheaper way to commit suicide. It was actually really nice.

It was a clear day. You're bitching about it. It's just crazy. I thought it was going to be like... Took you $160. Just two people go up to the top of a fucking building. Yeah, yeah. You're an idiot.

Nah, it was nice. She's never been to New York before. She's got to experience it. There's got to be a taller building, though. Like, you're paying that money, and you get up there, and then you see the other taller buildings with the better view. Well, we were all the way up in the Neal. I think that's like... I'm not sure how much higher. You can maybe get up a and then you see the other taller buildings with a better view well we were all the way up in the needle i think that's like i'm not sure how much higher you can maybe

get up a little higher in the freedom tower but also you have to pay to get into the freedom tower i'm sure terrorists have won again yeah you just put a fucking security jacket on a little fake badge from a comedy festival this is a so in jersey rather than building their own cool stuff, they build just monuments to things in New York that you can see from New Jersey. Do you know what I mean? In New Jersey they do this? In New Jersey, on the waterfront, as you're looking

towards Manhattan, rather than building anything in New Jersey that you wouldn't want to see, they're just like we've built a memorial to the Twin Towers. If you stand here you can sort of see where they would have been. Because no one's going to show up. So nice and cheap. They want peace.

You don't want to bring in fucking people that want to go up to the top of your buildings. They've built nothing to bring people into Jersey. No. My dad was talking to a barber, and he was like, I've lived in Jersey for 30 years. I've not been to Manhattan once. If you go in there, you take your life into your hands. Jesus Christ. That's crazy.

That's an insane person. That's a guy who hasn't been there for 30 years. Yeah, my dad was the same way. I remember I went to like an Islanders game when they were playing in Brooklyn, and I brought my dad, and he was like, dude, it's going to be an absolute fucking shithole down there. And I was like, I think it's changed since fucking 1987. He was like, there's going to be nothing down.

We got there. There was like a Best Buy. Nice. My mom wrote to me. All the good stuff. When we were going to Manhattan, my mom wrote to me. She was like, I have images in my mind of Rudy Giuliani's New York. Please buy some leashes.

I was like, I can't put. The black people won't respect me if I put my children on leashes. I'm walking around Manhattan. I refuse to do it how old are your kids four three and one wow this is a great time that's crazy they're having they're having fun yeah i was so i mean just today i collect like it's they're so young that if i am not there on holiday for like one day like today i was i spent i just lay in bed all day i couldn't because yeah you know we drove for eight hours the day before that.

Beautiful drive. Yeah, yeah. And then yesterday we got up early and we went through Central Park and then there was the show and I collapsed at the end of that. So I couldn't do anything and they were just. On your ass. They were just watching television and full of anxiety. And my wife's like, do you think we might get some food

for these children at some point? I'm like, I don't know. So you don't need anything to put you out at the end of the night. You're just exhausted. You just fuck. Oh, yes. Sleep is not currently a,

I do not need a special gummy. What time are you done? There's no more, right? Three's. No, we'll just keep having them until, we can't. Yeah, that's true, right? You want to keep having them.

Five. Contraception's a terrible thing. Yeah, right, right. Oh, you don't believe in contraception. Well, I mean, it's out there, it exists I just think it's sad and bad and wrong And you've got to come in the pussy So why don't you, you don't pull out? Is this a religious thing?

Yeah, well, it's natural law You pull out, though Look, I try not to pull out We try, yeah, and then we, you know, try and abstain From sex until There's a period where we might not have a child You're not going to be able to afford this Pulling out is bad for your relationship with a woman i tell you this this will do because at the most intimate moment you're preparing to leave her how do you

build a solid foundation on that you got to come inside this is not this is not bad logic it's not i've also that's a fucking poem i've also heard the thing the chemical experience of the the jizz inside them yes i'm happy but i heard there was a study that said chemical experience of the jizz inside them makes them happy. But I heard there was a study that said the mouth did the same thing. I've heard what? Well, apparently if it's in the mouth, it works the same. Oh, really? What about the butt?

That doesn't help. I don't know. I don't know how many membranes are in the butt. Probably quite a lot. But the condom is obviously worse because you're having sex with a condom. Yeah. No, I get that. The pill.

I'm just saying. These poor women on the pill. The pill fucks them up. It fucks them up beyond. My girl's not on. But pulling out, so sad. So sad that at the

exact moment of togetherness. It's not my preference. It's our collective preference until we're ready financially and collectively to start a family. You've got to be ready financially. Once you have your own

boutique beer, you're ready for the first child. I got friends that let some dude goof in them, and they have a kid they don't want. Because they're like, they think they're on their period. They are on their period. They don't suddenly think there's proof.

Some dude goofs in them, and they're pregnant. It's like, well, now I want this baby. It's like, well, were you on your period? Yeah, yeah. No, it's very complicated. Let me tell you, I promise you, it's hard to tell. I assure you. We've got at least one.

You don't think spraying your jizz all over them is as romantic as coming inside of them? I think maybe not. Maybe that may be a... You know, it's a shower. You're showering them with love. So you've never pulled out? No, I didn't say I've never pulled out. I'm saying pulling out is wrong, and I don't believe in it.

I wish I couldn't do it. Every time you pull out, do you feel shame? Absolutely, yes. Wow. And I hope never to do it again. I'm the opposite. If I get a little too trigger happy, I'm excited and in love. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I decide to goof because the timing's right. I look at my calendar. Is goofing coming in a lady? Yeah. I just want to make sure. it's not an expression that we no it's one of my so when you're goofing if i goof goofing on i as soon as i goof i go fuck i like that there's a second word for ejaculating i don't think anyone knows it i'm just trying to spread it. It is. It's a good one. Yeah, you got a goof.

It is a goof, too. You're a big goofer. At least three times. Yeah, well, after you're done, you go, I don't know if you noticed, but I did play a little prank on you. I came inside you. All right, here's why I think this is maybe too detailed. People talk about post-nut clarity, right? This is a lie, right?

It's actually 10 seconds before where you think the orgasm is coming and you go, I'm now free. Like there will be, there's nothing I can do to escape ejaculating in the future. True. Do you know what I mean? And this is because of all the complex, the masturbating, like if it was right and you weren't destroying your penis

with all these weird degenerate acts you would be able to have a beautiful goof together with your wife and we're robbed of that by pulling out by calculating yeah but I think the moment of clarity thing like I agree that there's a moment of clarity before the come

yeah yeah and you go wow everything is right in the world but I don't know that's not really clarity it's after you come and you go wow everything is right in the world but i don't know that's not really clarity it's after you come where you go i'm not ready for any of this i don't like this person it's not clarity it's like sniper focus in war like right before you come everything just goes yeah it's true time does slow down and you think every thought simultaneously of every terrible fucking bullet spinning and shooting and all the ladies in the room are dodging oh my god she's an agent the girl would have to be underneath my legs to dodge my when you when you goof in a lady and you're ready to have a child with this person

and you go, you know, we may have a lot of suffering as a result of that cum. That's the only cum worth having. Yeah. That costs all other goofs. Let me ask you. It's true. Your masturbation tactics. Yes.

I try not to. Okay, good. So the sex is better, the goof is harder. Big hard, yes. Big hard goof. All these people saying, what can I eat to have a bigger cum? Wait a day. What are you talking about? I just said

I wait. Dude, I'm a day and a half without beating. Oh my God, dude. You have no idea, dude. I'm proud of you. Talk about sex addict, I'm a beat off addict. Have you ever had a wet dream? No, never once in my life. I empty tank. I'm a pray for you that you get to wet dream status one day. I do not want that because I'll be pissed. No no if i'm doing all this hard work when the sun's up and my my goof

comes out like it betrays me you know how weird i want to see it shoot i want to see i want to get action you saw it you saw it in vr i want my sperm long jump it's the ultimate vr experience is the wet dream and you'll wake up and once you've destroyed three or four blankets you'll go hey good thing happened man you're just spraying mud puddle huh i can't imagine this dude's good dude yeah small urethra so it feels you know oh yeah looks bigger by comparison same thing with my ear holes i have a small ear through nice hog you know I always thought I realized this later when a doctor told me

that I wouldn't be able to get a catheter in there but I just always thought I had a very powerful spray no it's just a small aperture yeah you got like

rifling in there when you start a piss does it go wide and then circle and then come in yeah yeah I love that it's like throwing a spiral

it's like a hose a hose it's all the way from town to town, yeah. I love that. It's like throwing a spiral. It's like a hose. It's all the way from town to town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When it's that, yeah, that like fleur-de-lis shape. It's like a hose head from the 90s where it goes. Why do people always like, you've got to shake it a couple times so that it doesn't. I'm like, no, we're closed.

How old are you? 32. Oh, wow, you're a baby. How old are you? 44. Oh, yes. I've got to sit over a toilet now after I get done pissing because there's another surcharge coming at me, dude.

Really? Yeah. I get hit with a fucking tax. Like 15 seconds later, dude, I'll just go. That's why I have to wear black shorts at the gym because something happens with your prostate and your nookies when you're lifting heavy weights it tightens everything up so if you have to piss at the gym you pee and then there's a spit coming like 10 15 seconds later otherwise like a postpartum woman what sort of all right dude this i remember john heffron real quick yeah john heff i opened for john heffron in in uh raleigh

and this was like 12 years ago And he's doing this fucking 10 years ago He's doing this bit about his piss function And he goes As a kid you don't realize You're done pissing there's a big fucking lever You pull down you're done

There's nothing else He's like now you just gotta stand over the toilet You think the lever's pulled And you just wait and there's a dribble You gotta wait for the dribble and then You think the lever's pulled, and you just wait, and there's a dribble. You got to wait for the dribble, and then you're done. He's like, it's hell. And I was like, shut up.

You got a problem with your prostate, dude. And here I am. But what age did this kick in? How long have I got of excellent flow? I think it started like early 40s, 41, 42. But it's dependent upon your pee holder. You're a pee holder. I'm not a pee holder. No holder i'm not a pee holder no i'm not a p i got a big tank i drink a lot of water and i don't yeah phase it out appropriately dude i'll go through no but you don't like peeing in public is what i'm saying so that's like a

crisis for i try not to do anything oh man i pissed at the greyhound bus station last night because that's where they moved the jersey buses at night. Yeah. That was the scariest. Really? The Greyhound station is Mayhem. It was like 16 guys trying to piss, but they all wanted the cubicle. Did you pick it up at the Port Authority? Yeah. You went Port Authority to Greyhound.

Well, so the downstairs of the Port Authority is the Greyhound, and that's what takes you up to 1 a.m. Well, anyway, it was crack pipes on the ground, and no one using the... Just like 16 men lining up to shoot up in the cubicle. Yeah. And they're all very convivial with one another while getting ready to do this. I wonder, yeah. Beautiful thing that I wish I was doing in the door with them. You'd think they'd be out of their minds.

I started, in college, a thing started happening where like when I was playing sports, I would start like, I shit in my pants a little bit. Okay. Jesus is this why the back is just from like exertion to ease of use yeah you get a dump in the undies i've never worked out so hard that i i once went for a long walk this is like you know it's like hitting people and getting hit it's also the booze you're in college you're drinking the night before but beat the the shit out of someone is a real thing. No, no. We had a strict drinking policy. You didn't drink in college?

In the season, you could only drink one night a week. Oh, my. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah. You guys are rapists. You play lacrosse. You're going to break rules. Dude, my freshman year, my freshman year, we literally, the team was fucking, it was

like slap shot. It was like the team was a fucking mess. Constant blackout. It was all debauched. And they were like, all right, we're going to have a drink. The drinking policy was we could only drink three nights a week. Dude, if I can get there now, I'd be so happy. Those three nights, one of the guys on our team was bartending at like Finnegan's Wake or something.

So we were just getting blacked out. Yeah. But my senior year, yeah, it was strict. No one is trying to go pro from lacrosse, right? Once you're senior year of lacrosse, that's your last thing. Yeah. Can you watch lacrosse on television? Yeah. They got a pro

league now. Nobody does. It's worse than the WNBA. No one's watching. I don't know. It's probably clipping at its heels. I heard a story about the WNBA. I think the PLL contract might be better than the WNBA contract. That I bet. There was a man at the dive bar. This is a story I heard from someone.

But there was a man at our dive bar in Steubenville who was watching the WNBA on the television and sports betting at the same time. Yeah. And someone said, you're a degenerate gambler. What are you doing betting on WNBA? And he said, no, I've got a system. I think the power forward's on a period.

Yes. And someone said, well, how do you know? And they go, they list it in the injury report throughout the year. You can tell when they're out with soreness, and you can track their cycles, and you can find out when she's menstruating and she's going to have an off game and bet against it. Oh, my God.

Is that the best thing you've ever heard? Isn't that great? That's amazing. Wait, they list your periods in the injury report? You can tell from the injury report. They just say so. Right around the belly button.

General irritability. Refused to show up. Easily upset. Was a bitch all morning. Didn't make breakfast. Holy Christmas. That's brilliant brilliant isn't that good yeah it's very good everybody backed off his ass i bet well because also wnba there's probably one it's probably called the game it's just raking it it's also a good like i imagine there's one good player on every wnba team who's like holding it down for so once she's on a period it's over

yeah yeah and they'd all probably sink yeah once she's on her period, it's over. And they'd all probably sink. This guy's going to be pissed when there's all trainees in the WNBA and no one's getting the rag. Yeah, I wonder if it gets really elaborate. Yeah, yeah. Because you know how they cycle together? If one guy's like, hey, will you come over and hang out for a little bit? Every team loses three games

in a row. Team's real streaky this year oh man you got anything to plug jamesy james donald forbes mccann catamaran plan the number one podcast about a man trying to buy a boat we're getting closer every day james donald forbes mccann catamaran plan we'll put that all digital platforms words hell. Hell yeah. So they understand what he said. James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan.

Yeah. I love it. Can I lift some of this podcast and put it in my podcast to save time this week? One million percent. Thank you. I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I've had a busy week. Please get to Austin.

I want to hold your children. I want an RV. I want to get down there in an RV. Yeah. We were talking about getting a- Just live in an RV. We're thinking about our- we have a tour coming up. We got a 30 city tour and we're trying to figure out travel.

I want to get a big ass van, yeah. Oh, get up. I'm thinking maybe getting a van because we're bringing our boys, our production boys. Oh, you got to get the tour bus. Yeah. It might get like a, yeah. Is it like one after another or are you just like every weekend going out? There's a couple like one week gaps, 10 day gaps, but mostly one after the other, right?

Yeah. Yeah. It's like pretty much every day. Every once in a while we'll have like, 10 day gaps, but mostly one after the other, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's like pretty much every day. Every once in a while we'll have like, well, we're doing chunks. So we'll do like a whole Eastern seaboard with maybe a day or two off in that. But then, you know, take like a week or two off and then do the whole like Midwest and yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. You got to do that in the toolbox. You want my content in the van? Yeah. Oh yeah. We're excited. Well, I want to get a big white van and when's that coming out i want to i want to get like a smuggle women across

no windows yeah yeah rolling out sarkoochie and sarkoochie i keep remembering this joke that doesn't work sarkoochie and sarkoochie sarkoochie and sarkoochie bane. What's Sarkoochie and Sarkoochie Bain? Paint. Yeah, you need your house done, we'll paint it. I gotta piss. Alright.