Stuff Island - Austin Boys - Stuff Island #124

Episode Date: March 13, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Visit BetterHelp.com/STUFFISLAND today to get 10% off your first month. Join the club today and discover new wines you’ll love with Firstleaf. Go to TryFirstleaf.com/STUFFISLAND to get your first box. Go to squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com/men and enter the promo code STUFFISLAND. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Smells like an old wet dog. There's something chemically really wrong with the water. What, you've been looking at the locals? Yeah, yeah. I can just see what's happening to everyone's teeth. The locals have been mixing in terribly with the South by Southwest. You know, they're like the fucking agents and managers that are cruising around.

I haven't seen any of it. What a hodgepodge, dude. Yeah. It's like putting M&Ms with your Skittles. Like, it looks like it should work, then you put it in your mouth. Mayhem. It's visual mayhem out there in the bars.

Dude, I just saw a little bit of it today. I just saw, like, I went to get coffee, and there was, like, a full band playing a concert just in the morning. Yeah. And I was like, this is cool. I like this. No, it's fun for a bit. You go have a beer at one of these bars, and there's some dude with, like, a, I don't know, like, a deer horn going through his nose.

He's wearing gloves. I haven't seen that yet. Stop. The costume's nuts. Meanwhile, I'm wearing gloves. I haven't seen that yet. Stop. The costume's nuts. Meanwhile, I'm wearing this. I'm wearing a costume for a year. Look at me trying to blend in. No, but this is still, this is just your style.

That's how you live. Yeah, it's still the end of winter, right? Spring's coming. Yeah, you're not putting on a costume to get recognized at fucking South by Southwest. Yeah, dude. You have a bone through your nose the equivalent of me having like a a curly mustache and spinning a pizza dough walking down the street that's these guys like dude you're not that guy stop fucking doing that it is true and every time you see a celebrity that has like a squad there's always like dudes

like that you ever see a group of guys walk in and they're all dressed like famous? They're like, the clothes are like crazy. Well, this is what the agents do. The agents? They all dress. Yes. There's a corporate agency look that they think they're cool.

Yes. You know what I mean? Oh, you said agents, not Asians. No, not Asians. I was going to say asians do do that too like that's why i love austin not a lot of asians dude i was talking to my buddy today i was talking about you settling in and like and and liking it and he was like he's like i genuinely don't think like i've met an italian since i've been down here yeah they're like not

you guys are like not around. I put a blueprint out for where I'm going to put all my trucks, all my WAP trucks, dude. Arancini balls. Well, it's so bizarre going from the Northeast where you're everywhere. Yeah.

He's like, he's like now when I hear an Italian name, I'm like, oh shit. Yeah. What happened? Yeah. Did somebody die? Are you here for a wedding?

Are you out of town? Your neighborhood has got to be like, what the fuck is going on? It's true. No, dude. My neighborhood fucking is, it's a cul-de-sac. It's not a cul-de-sac, but the whole entire neighborhood feels like you're at the corner of a cul-de-sac. Yeah.

Just a roundabout. Every town has that, or every house has that same feel like i gotta make a u-turn and get out of here dude i have a drive i drug my trash cans up a driveway last night i smiled at the moon dude the level of adulthood that i'm now experiencing at 44 i didn't know you didn't i apologize to all our our fans. I would say like, dude, grow up. I get it. It's like the ice water bath shock of realizing you don't have to hear people. You don't have to see people.

Yeah. The only person I saw was this dude, John, the first guy that came across the street. He looks like the Iceman, Ted Kudlinski from HBO. Yeah. I mean, spot on. That's what I'm saying. You and your girl in that neighborhood have to be, everyone's got to be like, what? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah mean, spot on. That's what I'm saying. You, you and your girl in that neighborhood have to be, everyone's got to be like, what? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Too much spice. Too much spice at that address. Too much heat. I imagine it's a neighborhood where like everyone's going off like, like delivering cookies or like baked goods, but they really just want to get a look at what the fuck's going on. Dude.

Yeah. I jumped in the lift to get here today. Yeah. look at what the fuck's going on dude yeah i jumped in the lift to get here today yeah the guy john his name is wonderful southerner his first words out of my mouth he was like you so you guys are new here yeah and i was like yeah yeah we just moved in he goes i've been watching and i was like okay i've been watching and then his next comment was you know things are changing around here they're not like they used to be and then i took that personal of course i was like oh yeah so you know someone darker than a peach moves across the street for me so you're fucking upset but he's the sweetest

dude he just and he's flicking a mint around his around his teeth just like ted kaklinski you ever see the hbo documentary on the ice man unbelievable he flicks he's a serial killer for the mob yeah yeah essentially and he's being interviewed and he's got a very calm disposition and the guy's like do you ever he's talking to a psychoanalyst or psychologist or something he's like do you ever feel like uh sorry or guilty And he's like, and he's like six, eight, three 20 giant fucking beast of a man. And he's just looking into the fucking ether.

And he's like, I never, uh, I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything. And that's how this dude was talking to me. I was like very calm. Yeah.

And I felt like at ease. Threatened. And then I asked him about recycling days. When does my cardboard have to go out? Was compost go out? trying to pick his brain now he's my boy yeah but before i got in the lift to come to you you got to start by asking him when does trash go out you can't start with recycling you might push a button yeah i'm not gonna talk about sports or politics let's get to the fucking needy you know nitty-gritty do it yeah you got a mower i can borrow till mine gets delivered from Amazon? You got to talk to them like they're...

Yeah, yeah. How do you... You got to manage the curb? Do you have like a sidewalk? Oh, yeah, baby. Chris, the length of these roads are so unnecessary because of how much space they have out here when they designed it.

They're like, no one fucking... No Puerto Rican Italian's going to come in this fucking house. Let's fucking make them wide. Oh, yeah, they are. They're like, no Puerto Rican Italians are going to come in this fucking house. Let's fucking make them wide. Oh, yeah, they are. They're avenues. It's insane. The sports we're going to play when you come over. I have it all lined up.

I cannot wait. The only thing, I got the sauna. Just did a nice sauna bake. Doing every other day for 20 minutes. Dude, a baseball or lacrosse rebounder in the backyard? Buddy, I got it all for you. Oh my God. Enclosed fence.

I got, I'm going to put up my golf net tomorrow. Yeah. I wanted to start this whole thing by saying how fucking happy I am. And thank you. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I was going to thank you. Oh yeah. Cause I, yeah. Yeah. I want to thank you. I want to, I want to put it out there in the airways.

I think it's, I think it's. And Shane, obviously, cause he was the one who pushed for day one i was like shut the fuck up because it really is shane driving the train here yes but i will say the last the last week before i moved down i started to get really nervous yeah i was like this better not suck well it's because of the last week before we moved down Was literal hell It was the worst week of my life It was constant

Tension, anxiety Dude I had two shirts, three pairs of underwear And four pants And two of the pants were shit in So I only had two pairs of pants It was fucking mayhem And you're just with your girl locked in a place with no furniture

Yeah you can't sit Slept on an air mattress It was prison in Sweden It wasn't prison at the fucking It was minimum security You had committed a financial crime Yeah My girl was my ward

And I was like everyday Can I eat something different Oh my god But the dramatic shift. The dramatic shift. And once you get a little bit of livable furniture in. I ordered this butch lesbian from TaskRabbit to put together my beds. That's the funniest thing ever.

She came in. She's like, I have two drills. And I was like, yo, I don't even need to see your photo on TaskRabbit. I know you're coming with the fucking softball flannel heat. Dude, her and the Ted Kuklinski or whatever, the Iceman guy across the street. They would have had natural born enemies. It's crazy. They would build a house and then take it down just to pass time.

Fight their way out of it. Dude, Peter Griffin and chicken. Yeah, she was asking me She goes What do you want me to do here And I was like well we need to sleep tonight So let's do the master bedroom The one that you passed on

Yeah yeah Unbelievable but I remember the Latino guy when he was taking apart Our movers and he's like do you want to take A video of this And he's like underneath the bed Like a mechanic and I was taking apart our movers and he's like do you want to take a video of this and he's like underneath the bed yeah like a mechanic yeah and i was like no no no just take it out put all the screws in a ziploc i'll tape it to the board how hard could it be how hard could it be dude jenga fucking absolute tetris there was like hidden compartments i don't know if you

have like cocaine drawers in the fucking base of this bed. I found an Indian nickel. Dude, the fuck getting someone to do that shit for you is huge. It doesn't matter what and the money was actually not, it wasn't that much money. Yeah, tax rabbit, yeah. It was like three to, no, I'm saying like the movers

were like three to five hundred. Yeah, yeah. Task rabbit, you pay them for the hour. You read the ratings this girl had phenomenal ratings she came over i was like i'll have her for two hours that's a reasonable amount of time yeah and money she put together your bed and then i had that other bed my first bed in new york was like i got it on wayf Dude, it was pickup sticks when they took that apart. Fucking. No, no. You nailed it.

The apartment. Pickup sticks. The floor was pickup sticks. It was a hundred pieces. And I was so poor at that time. They were like, for 75 hours, we can put it together for you. And I was like, 75 hours? There's no way. Dude, get the fuck out of my house.

And I spent 75 days trying to piece this fucking thing together backwards. I felt, I mean, broken boards everywhere. and i wasn't like banging a fat lady it was just well dude that's what i'm saying like a lot of moving is just it's just using allen wrenches in stress positions you have to like bend a weird way yes for hours yeah the move i had no idea. Every time I moved, it was just throw shit in a bag. You're going to share a couch with somebody, jump on a bed. And the last time I moved into an actual home. I've never. Never.

Never. So I went from 18 to 44. I walked into this house. So much to do. But once you get the essentials. Yeah. Dude, she put together. You established a beachhead.

I was on the higher ground, dude. Two beds and a sauna. And I was like, beat it. Yeah. And then we had a couch in the middle of the room. Cable didn't come for like three days. Dishwasher broke. Washer broke.

Dryer broke. It was a big flip. Oh my God. Yeah. Some fucking, some J-aybird flipped this house didn't fix a goddamn thing and the the the company that's running this thing i have to put in like a service request so this is what's nice about being in a high-rise modern apartment everything's locked and loaded for the most part but dude i've been going to war with the maintenance team i met your maintenance

yeah yeah yeah he's a sweet guy first day it was like dude i was doing i'm gonna learn everyone's names you know yeah yeah yeah and then they every single day our phone key the the key is on your phone and every single day it stopped working. Yeah. And I just kept going down there like, give us a fucking card. Yeah. Like a tag. Can't do it. Can't do it.

Why not? Yeah. Why not? Somebody has a card. Yeah. Yeah. The concierge. When he sent you up.

Yeah. He taps a fucking. Yeah. You got to fucking. You got to sweet talk the magical gay concierge. You got to be like, yo, how can I get one of those hard cards, dude? You got to run your fingers through his hand. Just give me that.

Why isn't it attached to my key? Because the key is also a fob to get into the apartment. Yeah. It's fucking crazy. And this guy, I went back and forth with this guy because he started taking it personally. Yeah. And I could see him trying to get me just back on the elevator and up to my room he was like let's walk over here let's

walk and i was like i'm not going over there yeah i started to cry a little bit i was so mad so so mad i was so mad i was like i could feel myself starting to choke up a little bit you know when you like yes you know when you like i don't talk about it you know when you know when you like confront a teacher or something like in school for the first time like when you're like they've done something wrong and i'm like i like it feels like here yeah you're going to like war with the government dude i was like i could feel it i could feel myself choking up being like i need a card well if you can i don't know if I can summarize the emotional shift of the hell of moving with the isolation and lack of amenities during that time,

then the actual move and then getting everything into place. When you first feel like you can sit on a couch or lay in a bed and everything's in boxes and a muck. Yeah. You start treating like neighbors and people you see on the elevator. It's like, you see like a pack of white girls go to happy hour. You ever watch them? Yeah.

Like they'll have like one mimosa at brunch and they're happy and like so excited. And it gets like two and three and then they start getting really dramatic and loud and they're talking about personal shit they shouldn't be talking about in front of friends of friends. And then they get really depressed and start crying and then they start fighting. That's how I feel like, like meeting neighbors. When you first get there, you're on, that's one beer. Yes. I see neighbor John.

I'm like, oh yeah oh my you want to go bowling yeah what are we doing tomorrow i know i'll come down there i'll watch a game at your place yeah then you see in week two and you're like wow this is fun huh yeah thanks for the trash receptacle yeah yeah and then five weeks later you're like stay on your side of lawn you fucking mutt i want nothing to do with you i know i know it's like it all turns into like, you're like, ugh. Stay on your side of the lawn, you fucking mutt. I want nothing to do with you. I know, I know. It all turns into like, you're seeing them fight with their significant others.

Yeah. Every time you're fighting, you're thinking about them listening to it. Well, that's what he left me with. I'm sorry. I started this conversation about the Lyft. I left the Lyft. He goes, I'm walking into the Lyft. Clearly, he knows I don't have a car.

I've been spending thousands of dollars on Lyft in fucking a week. It's crazy. It's the worst thing about going into the lift. Clearly, he knows I don't have a car. I've been spending thousands of dollars on lift in fucking a week. It's crazy. It's the worst thing about going in the suburbs. I got nowhere to go. I'm landlocked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You walk around the suburbs, you wave at people, and then you fuck off and get drunk at home. It's great.

So he sees me clearly trying to get in the lift, and I'm going, yeah, no, yeah. And he goes, what's up with that light thing that's in the lifts and i'm going thank yeah no yeah and he goes um what's up with that light thing that's in the window and he's talking about in the in our living room area the back of our television if you remember has that light strip oh and i'm watching tv at like three in the morning yeah so he's passive aggressive in my head. He's passive aggressively saying, so what's going on with that light thing in the window? I saw it. He's let me know that he's up.

He's watching. He's watching me. I don't have a drape on the front window because it's kind of, they're so kind of far away, but the light I can see is fucking with him. This guy's a real problem. He might be a problem is what I'm saying. This guy might be a problem. He might be a problem, is what I'm saying. This guy might be a fucking problem.

Is he... How old is he? That's not a problem. The problem is he's Texas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't run my mouth and just go, Shut up, you old fat shit. I gotta start calming down.

He comes out just like turning. Yeah, he's like, Oh, what were you saying about fat shits? Dude, he's a 6'8", sweet guy. Giant fucking beast of a man. I can't imagine what his... Oh, he's 6'8"? He's huge.

He's probably 6'5". Still. 6'5", he's probably 70, 68 years old. Kind of spry. Yeah. He dresses like Foley in Hawaii. Is he like painting? He's always got like a fucking big bucket hat on

and a Hawaiian shirt. Oh, that rules. It does rule. But he's a conundrum. I think he's fucking, like visually, everything's off. When you see somebody dressed like that and they talk like that and they act like that,

it's like a CIA opera. Yeah, yeah. It's like a Paul Reef world character. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, yeah, this outfit doesn't make sense. It's like a Quentin Tarantino character. It's like, who are you really? Who are you really? Character, yeah. Yeah. You're like, yeah, this outfit doesn't make sense. It's like a Quentin Tarantino character. It's like, that guy doesn't exist, but it's fun to watch and listen to.

Have you been over at his house? Oh, when that happens, baby, I'm calling you quick. I'm calling you quick. I'm like, yeah, let me just call my friend. He's going to come over and put on your, yeah, to share your location with me. I ain't going in that den fucking solo. Dude, make him a nice meal. Make him a nice Palestinian meal and bring it over.

That would be true. We have been cooking Palestinian. Yeah? Yeah. It's been nice. We've just been cooking our first meals this week. Let me tell you about today, Chris. Yeah, what'd you do?

I'm all over the place and I apologize. Dude, I'm a mess. If we had this conversation, if we did our first pod two days ago yeah it would have been boring because i would have been so happy i was so happy i cried in the kitchen yeah i went to shut off all the lights and stuff i cried i have like a moon light in our kitchen that like cascades down the middle it's a hole in the roof and you can like look at the stars yes yes Which is the sunlight in the day. You know.

Yeah. You know, God works. And I just, like, lost it, because it was so peaceful. I was just like, this is... I'm, like, securing doors. Never locked doors. Oh, my God. Ever.

New York, Philly, never locked a door. It's not even about worrying, like, that someone's at your door. Yeah. It's like like it feels good dude it is are you you're having like a real my home is my castle kind of moment yeah yeah it was it was fucking great and all the only thing that's in my way right now stand-up's gonna take time with us they They get in the clubs. It's already been fucking wonderful. Yeah. But the only thing in my way is getting a license because I let my license...

My license expired in Philly. Dude. One year before I was born. No, it lapsed like eight years ago. So the last time I had a car was 2008. Apparently in Texas law, I don't know if it's the same with all states, but if your license expires over two years, you can't transfer. If you're from out of state, you have to retake the permit exam

and you have to retake the driver's test. So I'm a 15-year-old fucking girl. Dude, I'm a doe in the headlights and i'm like yeah no there's not there's no way and they're like sir this is what you have to do i tried to set up a permit test austin is so overcrowded right now that it takes three months to to get the permit test dude yeah so i found a workaround my girl found a workaround from this driving school this woman who walked me through the process i had i had to take it's they she said six hours so yesterday i went to a brewery

pull up my laptop i did what i thought was going to be about six hours i was going to knock out three go home and do the next three it's a written exam and then they show you videos and then they give you questions on the video so there's no like i thought all right guys this episode is brought to you by neutrophil okay guys we we don't have to choose between hair growth and our health neutrophils drug-free whole body approach promotes hair growth from within no compromises just better hair can? Yes. The fans will know how your wig has expanded. How it's expanded and performed. Neutral is becoming a problem.

I'm getting into the hair. I just, I haven't, I'm too lazy to cut it. Dude. You're going to have to go to a landscape. I know. I'm going to take a bath in Neutral. Did you know that 80% of men experience hair thinning in their lifetime? It's normal, but it doesn't have to be your fate.

Get ahead of it with Nutrafol, a clinically tested hair growth supplement for men. Nutrafol is the number one dermatologist-recommended hair growth supplement brand with over 1 million people seeing thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding. Take their hair wellness quiz on Nutrafol.com slash men for a personalized hair health plan based on your specific root causes. Take the first step to visibly thicker, healthier hair for a limited time.

Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com slash men and enter promo code stuff island find out why over there why over 4,500 professionals and hairstylists recommend Nutrafol for healthier hair Nutrafol.com slash men spelled n-u-t-r-a-f-o-l.com slash men and enter promo code stuff Island. That's Nutrafol.com slash men promo code Stuff Island. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Chris, you remember BetterHelp? I do, of course. We talk about it all the time. You know what I ask you? Now that we're living in Austin

and we have time to ourselves, what would you do with an extra half hour to an hour of your life? I'd talk to someone. I'd talk to someone. I'd talk to someone. I would find out what the hell is fucking wrong with me.

Maybe it's our time. Yeah. Maybe it took us to get out of New York to get to Austin. Yeah, you get a little sunshine, you get a little vitamin D, and you build up the courage to actually... Ask the right questions. Get some help.

Dang. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes you need a little positivity in your life. No, honestly, we spend so much of our time not realizing how much we're wasting and wishing we had more time. Now it's our time, buddy. You can do a whole BetterHelp session in that backyard, dude.

Just stand around, kick the grass. That's what we should do. Once I get patio furniture, let's do a BetterHelp. Let's do a BetterHelp. Get that therapy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule.

We have the time. Again, just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash stuffisland. Today, to get 10% off your first month, that's better help.com slash stuff island today to get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com slash stuff island i can't skip first two chapters i'm copying all copy paste into a notes doc and when the question comes up i'm going to search the keywords yes find the answer yeah done brilliant right now questions are all only on

the videos the videos range from two and a half minutes to fucking 15 and they'll be like who was driving when the girl got killed by a dwi yeah no this is what they did with sexual harassment training at work yeah they turned it into a five-hour long movie that you can't skip. It's insane. Dude, I'm a cat in a car. I can't. Shane calls me a cat in a car. You should have seen me, dude.

I'm on a patio. South by Southwest is going on. Staring at buns. Every girl that walks by is staring at boobs. All the performances in the video Are just a nightmare Yeah And kids are dying In a DUI accident

On my laptop Yeah and really Hamming up the performance Yeah Yeah It was a yield So then they I figured out

Don't you know What to do When it's a yellow flashing Dude signs I went through Road sign issues So I get done I figured out. Don't you know what to do when it's a yellow flashing? Dude, signs. I went through road sign issues. So I get done this test. I figured out you just scroll to the bottom of the written part, watch the video because all the questions come from the video.

But you have to scroll to the bottom, let it sit on a timer, hit next. So the six hours is dwindling. I'm down to like three, I'm thinking. I can cut this thing down to one. I got this thing down to one. And the question pops up, but it still backplays the video. So now I'm listening to the video while the question's up there. Just waiting for that to come.

And then I'm trying to skip to just guess and guess and guess. I get the video test down to, I finished the six-hour course and I'm going to say an hour. Right? Yeah. Coasting. I think I'm done. Yeah.

I have to do a written. I have to take a true written permit test. Which means what? You have to look right? 30 questions. I'm getting multiple choice. I'm getting MC'd all over the place, dude. And I'm already four or five IPAs deep. Multiple guests, dude getting MC'd all over the place, dude. And I'm already four or five IPAs deep.

Multiple guests, dude. MG'd all over the place. So I just start like fucking panicking. What were the questions? Can you remember any of the questions? Jesus Christ. Yeah, there was a lot about like, the only ones I remember like signs,

but the other ones were like, they start off pretty basic. I've been driving for so many years, but the whole trick to to training 15 year old kids is like pay attention to specific rules you'll never fucking need that's all schooling all of schooling is like here's something we're gonna break your fucking head and your balls on yes and you'll never use it for the rest of your life yes just to wane out the absolute maniac fucking waterheads yes but for this test

i'm like i gotta get this done because i got my scheduled 9 a.m test this morning to go to the that what they call dbs is dmv yeah so i gotta take my certificate of completion of my permit written exam with documentation of identification social security, proof of residence, right? Proof of residence. Take a bill. I got one bill from insurance. We haven't been there 30 days, so I got no bills.

So I had to print out a lease. That's two. I have an expired license that I lost in Vegas playing with strippers. So I have my pass plate. The deadliest game. The worst permit you could get. Playing with strippers. So I have my pass plate. The deadliest game.

The worst permit you could get. And then I have for social security. I've never had it. I had a social security card gone in sixth grade. Yeah. Birth certificate gone. Those things never existed. It's printed on Kleenex. Yeah.

Social security. On most days, those things disintegrate. Is it 1099 Or W2 That kind of shit Yeah But Current I took two forms of that

I get to the place Mayhem Obviously Yeah My W I know this is boring as well But my 1099 My 1099

Just imagine me I had to get up at 730 Yeah I go to bed at 6 Just imagine Tommy's gotta get a 1099 Dude I had to get up at 7.30. Yeah. I go to bed at 6. Just imagine Tommy's got to get a 1099. Dude. I had, that's what, we just did it. So I was good.

I was like, and the guy goes, I pull it out. I'm so confident. I have everything. Got my certificate. I finished my test. Finally passed. I have all my documents. I'm like, thank you.

I'm being very nice. Kind of slept well, considering. Yeah. And the guy's like, do you have a 10 being very nice. Kind of slept well considering. Yeah. And the guy's like, do you have a 1099 that has all of your digits on it? This one only has four. And I was like, what? I've never seen a 1099 or W2 or W4, whatever the fuck, with all of your numbers on it. He goes, well, every other year they tend to have your full number on there.

So now I call my accountant. I'm scurrying. My appointment's coming up. If your appointment gets canceled, I had to call a third party to get me this appointment. Dude, I'm skipping so many goddamn steps. But again, cat and car. It's skipping a line at the Vatican.

You can just pay a guy to skip the line. One million percent. So I'm on the line with my accountant. He's going through documents. He's like, my kid's in the the car can I call you in 15 minutes I'm like no you can't so now I'm going through Google Docs looking for old scan documents that I may have uploaded

finally get it I'm like golden waiting in line I get to this girl she has to verify my documents it's the second to last step outside of sitting on a chair next to yeah Skankfest I'm in the middle

of skank fest and i'm waiting to get my picture taken i get to this woman she's the woman i didn't want to go to yeah there's a cute little girl that's kind of like 25 26 this is a disgruntled woman had a zit on her nose she already had a bad morning i get up to the counter i give her all my docs i'm just like let's go i'm coming up my appointment's coming up she's looking at my bill she's like can you open this and i was like okay i'll open it for you hand it to her because i guess you can you know what did she think you're trying to do and trap her no i think she was thinking you opened my bill that's a federal crime it's mail fraud i guess you can you can you digitally enhance like your name and all that shit like you can just change a piece of paper put it in an envelope but it was it was insurance it was proper insurance yeah anyway she opens all my shit and she goes how long

you've been in texas and my girl was sitting behind me because she knew shit was good she was just nervous yeah and i was like i've been here a couple weeks and she's like so you haven't lived here for 30 days she fucking she was on my shoulder like a parrot yeah within seconds and she was like yeah we've been here for over a month but like we just settled into this one place but yeah we've been here for way longer and i was like oh yeah yeah we've been now i'm picking up melissa oh yeah over 30 days they're probably 38 days, 39 days. Turns out you can't get your license if you're out of state and your expired license of over two years, you have to show residency for over 30 days.

So when I tell you I put in maybe 72 hours of phone nonstop with no furniture trying to get this appointment so I can get a car. So I don't spend thousands of dollars on Lyft. And have access to just going to get light bulbs. Yes. Lamps. This is not New York.

You can't just walk outside and the hardware store is next to your liquor store. Jesus Christ. So I went home with nothing. Are you kidding? No. I almost canceled this podcast. I was so upset that... See, dude, this is... Okay, I wanted to say this earlier on, okay?

Because this whole, like, there's so many transplants here, we can't handle the volume, I think is bullshit. I think they're just bad at their job, and I think people are making a little living on the side by getting people to skip the line and getting some money. They're getting big. They're fucking bouncers. Yeah.

Dude, what are you talking about? You can handle the volume. You've been bad at paperwork since the Civil War. That's like why they lost the Civil War is because they couldn't get things to places on time because they were bad at doing paperwork. What's hot on me? You say you ain't hot?

You ain't wearing the right color, my darling. And every time a local's like, what the fuck is this way to the DMV? They're like, it's all these outsiders who are jamming us up. It's like, really? Or do you suck at your job? Well, that Latina was very racist against Italians.

Let me tell you something. She was a real fucking bitch, too. I found the 1099. The nice gentleman, when I first came in, helped me out. He's like, yeah, just send this email. They'll print it out for you. She printed it out.

This is how much of a cunt this bitch was. She didn't smile once. And even after just my leaving that table, I was like, this is all bullshit. It is. It's all bullshit. I've already paid your fucking fees. It's all bullshit. My girl's like, thank you so much.

She doesn't look up. She doesn't do anything. She takes the printout of what I will need the next appointment and keeps it to herself. Collecting all my documents to prove all of the things I need. She takes a print out of 10 nine. She goes, keeps it. And dude,

when I tell you, I was not mean to her. I was very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Cause the third party lady was like, make sure you charm or let her know you're getting a driver's test. I had a driver's test scheduled for Friday.

I should have my license on Wednesday. I should be at the Audi dealership Thursday. Now I'm going to fucking high rise and I'm going to jump. Dude. God damn it. You know how hard it is to be landlocked here? It's insane. I can't imagine.

There's nothing to do. I can't imagine. I got no friends. I'm here. Nobody to throw a ball with. Yeah. Keeps hitting her off the forehead. I'll come out.

Every time. Close quicker. Dude, I'll come out. I got to come out. We're at the ship tomorrow, right? Yeah, but I want to see the house. Come out Wednesday. I want to get a baseball glove.

When I tell you we could do anything in these streets. Yeah. Seriously. Oh, yeah. Get the rollerblades going. Let's get John really questionable. glove when i tell you we could do anything in these streets yeah seriously yeah yeah oh yeah just get the rollerblades going let's get john really questioned on my relationship would you say you guys do now i think that's also it's they're retired so you know we walk out at fucking i'm going i'm walking to the coffee truck it's no coffee shop. We got to walk to a truck that's next to a bowling alley that's connected

to a barbecue pit. Yeah. Dude, Austin rules. Austin rules. Everything's got a barbecue pit and a stage. Dude, we walked in there. We got done our coffee

in a parking lot in a coffee hut. And I was like, can I just walk into this lanes? I want to see the lanes. Yeah. Dude dude it's 40 lanes the smell remember going to a bowling lane in like high school drinking a 30 bird yeah like you like smell the resin and just spill beer and shit yeah

see old fight fluids just soaked into the carpet god dude bowling rules bowling does rule i'm gonna pick it up i would love to golf bowling pool frisbee golf pool all these things you can't do in new york without 7 000 people on your ass yes making cocktails yes especially yes like no dude i want to have i want to fucking load my jeans with bushes with old cum throw a disc down a fucking grass alley i will say the quality of life it's crazy immediate improvement i wake up and i don't have like crazy anxiety and and and dark dark depression dude do you have you made a coffee in your house yeah yeah do you get to open the door to the back patio and drink coffee on it what do you see the only problem is that the best thing on earth the only problem right now is there are tommy bahama beach

chairs yeah yeah Very comfortable. Patio furniture. I brought our fire pit, made it. So we had the fire pit. Yeah. There's no patio furniture. It's just a lot of, it's not a lot of space,

but it's a lot of open space I have to fill. Yeah. See, I'm in the apartment, so that's, it's nice. But I will say, the moment I'm in the apartment, so that's, it's nice. But I will say, the moment I'm in a house and I wake up. You're a house guy, dude. You don't know it yet. I know I do know it.

I love this place. This place is gorgeous. Do a year here. A house, the moment I wake up in my house and I have a cup of coffee and I walk outside and put my feet in a dewy grass in the backyard, I'm going to cry. You know what I did today? Amazon lawnmowers. I got to buy a lawnmower and a weed whacker Get a riding mower

Put it on the company car Put it on the company car Dude it'll be Mike Myers My lawn My lawn is so small Just trying to get out of that wall Reversing that golf cart back and forth you got to get the weed whacker like the the edge trimmer you gotta get an edge trimmer for the

weed whacker dude i'm dirty i'm a dirty landscaper i'm nasty with it i'm fucking nasty dude and the deck is elevated so i got and like the fence is a nice height, boxed in. There's only one back neighbor that can see into our master bedroom, and either the woman or the dude is always washing dishes. Her tits are flopping around a lot. My bird's swanging. I got to be careful of that. That's so funny. You bringing Miami Beach to fucking...

Dude, it's full Miami Beach. So we just found a gym this morning. Just got a gym after failing. I was like, take me to somewhere I can lift. I got to get rid of this shit. Just found a gym. Okay. Dude, brand new, three months old, giant.

Guess how much their base is for just weights and cardio? It's going to be something. Is it obscenely low? Is it something like $11? It's $10. Jesus Christ. Dude, the amenities are gorgeous. For her, there was a special because it's brand new. For $30.

It's ladies night. Crunch. For you two Latinas. Dude, she has unlimited classes, unlimited tanning, unlimited red light therapy, unlimited aqua massage therapy, and full access to everything. Unlimited classes, $30. Guess what else she has? A free pass every fucking day. So the guy goes, you don't need to sign up.

You guys can come together. She signs you in every day. And I was like, I'm't need to sign up. You guys can come together. She signs you in every day. And I was like, I'm not going to go to the gym with her every day. I don't pay $10 a month. That's retarded. Yeah, yeah. But that's what you could do. That's how cheap it is.

Dude, I would get aqua therapy. I don't know what aqua therapy is, but I would get it. You just sit in a fucking giant condom and hoses shoot your muscles. That's incredible. Yeah. Yeah, you just get cummed on by bowls. It's pretty sick. I don't know what it is but i was like i literally said how the fuck are you guys keeping the lights on yeah that doesn't i know i don't think it costs anything down here well there's so many people the problem

is we have a flex schedule or not not the problem the good things we have a flex schedule whereas suburban austin is not like new york so new york sports club where we went it's like models actors bartenders it's all aspiring yes right yeah it's the ugliest dude you've ever seen with good abs yeah just taking pictures of himself yeah and video girls videotaping themselves with the fake ass just a dude who's all shoulders this is all regular people there's only two busy times. Right before work, lunch, after work. You go in there, it's an empty fucking palace.

Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. How far is that from you? Well, just like everything in Austin, it's a five-minute drive or two-day walk. Holy shit, it's nuts, dude. That was nuts. My girl was like so hyped because it's like

from cincinnati now she's like it's back to cincinnati times because in new york it's like four miles 25 minutes yeah here it's yeah five miles five minutes 65 miles 60 minutes yeah and you're like oh yeah i could go i could go 90 and just be there i looked up you and shane's address and i was like we fucked up and then it's like no it takes 20 minutes yeah yeah it's 17 minutes to his fifth between fifth i think like 15 16 two years yeah well that is the thing that does annoy me like it used to drive me nuts about Philly is, like, over the summer, they would shut down Benjamin Franklin Parkway every single weekend.

And it's like, that's a major artery into the city. So I would, like, you know, I was, like, trying to play, like, men's lacrosse or, like, I would just go into work and shit. I would just be like, I'm fucked. Yeah. I'm fucked. Yeah. And downtown Austin, like where we are.

I mean, I was looking out just now and it's just like they've shut down every street. That's South by Southwest. South by. Yeah. But it's like I think they do a lot of these festivals. Weekends. I think the whole town is just a festival town. Well, every every bar like brewery you go to it's just brand

new babies dogs yes and families yeah and it's kind of nice dude i saw this little fucker making a catapult like a kid a kid he was like six and he's got a board with a stone it's a brewery i was taking my my permit test. He's putting a rock on the edge and he's going. And he's just launching rocks. Like close to me. And I'm cracking up. Yeah.

Failing my test. Cracking up. Going, this is. I haven't seen this since my youth. Yeah. In the cities. Kids aren't fucking around and playing. No.

So I don't care if they're meandering and being fucking animals. And that's the sick part is you go to a brewery and they're there. And it's just a big gravel pit. Yeah. And kids running around, people getting drunk. It's fantastic. Got this guy Mongo. Far like a... Drive the movie theater.

All right. This episode is also brought to you by first leaf uh as a first leaf member i get to discover new wines i'm guaranteed to enjoy you don't because it got sent to my house they did well god man that's because first leaf gets to know your unique preferences to start i answered a few quick questions on their website i did did. You did? Yeah. What did you find out? What did they send you? Well, they send you a questionnaire saying what wines. They give you a brief synopsis of your palate, so to speak.

I like dry reds, dry whites. You just do, and they send you a hodgepodge of different regions and origins. How many did you get? Grape origins. It was like six or twelve. Jesus. Allotments. They come once

a month? I don't know. We moved, so. And then I drank them very quickly. Time, Chris, is a circle. Am I on my first leaf still? I drank the whole tree all right being part of the first leaf wine club also has its perks as a member i get access to

their incredibly helpful wine concierge so if i want wine pairing advice or to talk about the wines in my box i can always speak with one of their experts plus i get member exclusive pricing on every order. Join the club today and discover new wines you'll love with First Leaf. Go to tryfirstleaf.com slash stuffisland to get your first box. That's T-R-Y-F-I-R-S-T-L-E-A-F dot com slash stuffisland. Tryfirstleaf.com slash stuffisland. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace.com. Stuffislandpod.com is brought to you by squarespace squarespace.com

stuff island pod.com is brought to you by squarespace yeah the whole goddamn thing's brought to you by squarespace if you want to see what the options are go look at our beautiful website dude that it is it really is the easiest best website builder to use i don't know what the you don't have to know about technology i don't't know the... Yeah. It's plug and play. Plug and play, baby. Go search for the domain you want, buy it, and just start setting the thing up.

It's crazy easy to use. Gary, you always wanted to set up that power washing company. Go to squarespace.com, set up the fucking website. You'll figure it out. Yes. It's very easy.

They've got the Fluid Engine, a next generation website design system for Squarespace. It has never been easier They've got the Fluid Engine, a next-generation website design system for Squarespace. It has never been easier for anyone to unlock unbreakable creativity. Start with a best-in-class website template and customize every design detail with reimagined drag-and-drop technology for desktop or mobile, Tommy. Stretch your imagination online with Fluid Engine,

built in and ready to go on any new Squarespace site. It's incredible. That's how I describe your haircut. Fluid engine. I've got the fluid engine. It's the new feature. Imagine a barber has to get on one of those oil change carts and slide underneath the back of that. Slowly snip it from the back.

Slide into my nose. Yeah. All right. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, go to

www.squarespace.com slash stuff island to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay, that's squarespace.com

slash stuff island. You save 10%. It's going to be huge. Holy shit. Yeah, I'm'm just i'm just so exhausted well dude i was stuck because nate right now nate marshall is in the week the week of hell where he's oh he's bound next week yeah yeah and i was talking to him and it's just like dude your brain your brain is so consumed with logistics yeah just. And you're not even solving anything. It's just fear.

Yeah. It's like, this needs to work. Yeah. If that doesn't work, I'm fucked. Well, if you're already in New York City or even, I guess it would be hard anywhere with your loved one and you lose all of your amenities all your kitchenware yeah you can't cook you can't find space yeah you're in each other's face knowing the the future

yeah of the hell that you're once you show up it's still going to be another week of that you can't you can't find any level of peace. It takes a certain breed of person and a certain level of relationship to make that actually work. Oh, dude. And if you get through that hell week without ringing that bell, dude. Oh, dude, it really is.

Stick with that woman. It is. It is. Yeah, when you were saying earlier that she's like a warden, it is full. They're full of drill sergeants. Yeah.

They're just in your ear. Ring the bell. Yeah. Ring the bell. You're not good enough. Tap out. Ring the bell. Yeah.

You want to ring that bell. Yeah, and then I call you and you're like, dude, you're good enough. Just sit in that cold water. You're not going to drown. You're not going to drown. Just the log in my head. She's like, we're getting ramen again. We're going to get ramen again.

We have ramen four nights in a row. You never should have joined them. You thought you could be a Navy SEAL? Yeah, and then she gets here and she's like, this place is nice. There's birds. Oh, dude. It's been a week. I feel like New York was three years ago. Yeah. Aside from the boxes everywhere. One million percent. It's been a week. I feel like New York was three years ago.

Yeah. Aside from the boxes everywhere. One million percent. It's crazy. It's also why I apologize to everybody. What do you mean? Just what a... My God, just living like a family man without a family is just as good.

Yeah, dude. I feel like, dude, when I come home and drop a bag oh how do you feel coming off the road with chain chicago it was awesome i mean getting back it was there's like little parts that are cool it's like i'm i'm in still in an apartment but it's the nicest building i've ever been in my life yeah and like it's like a real person's apartment you know what i mean like normally when people like before would be like, yeah, I got like a doorman.

I'd be like, how the fuck do you have a doorman? You know, how's that possible? Yeah. And now it's like, I have that. It's crazy.

When I got home last night, the doorman was like, welcome back, man. How you doing? Yeah. I was like, he don't know your name yet.

He gave me shit. What? He gave me shit. What? He gave me shit. Oh, that's, that's a new guy. That wasn't the guy there last night. He was like,

who are you here to see? And I was like, Chris O'Connor. Yeah. And he's like, who? Oh, but that was cool too. And then they called me

and they go, Mr. O'Connor. And I was like, do you know why? Cause I look over my shoulder. I think you're talking to my father. The name's Chris.

Tell him to wait. No, behind me was a dude with two kids in a push cart. The kid's playing with a T-Rex, just talking about a dino park. He's like, that dino park, dino park. And we're checking in, my girl's being very sweet playing with the kids and whatever and he and the guy on the phone's like what's it what's the number and i told him your number and the guy pushing the cart the father was like nobody lives there that's not the right number and i was like what i was like yeah it's a number and he goes nobody lives there and then i was like he just

moved in a week ago yeah and he goes oh oh okay and this is the guy you got in a fight with apparently maybe yeah about the key card it's the one you told me this guy this guy is a problem he's well he's look he's protecting the people i do like they're very protective because there's a lot of zombies out there yeah true this is what i don't miss yeah because there's a lot of zombies out there. Yeah, true. This is what I don't miss. Yeah, yeah, there's a lot of zombies out there. There's nobody dragging a leg and a pile of shit in his other hand. Dude.

Just a bag of leftover shit. Dude, there are some crews of homeless that they're like. Dude, my girl made a really good point about homeless in Austin. They're much more aggressive yeah because they're separated yes and there's not that many people yeah so what you find yourself doing is you walk down the street and there's only you and a couple people within 100 yards yeah and then you see one and they lock in yes whereas in new york there's no there's no zombies in new york oh they're there what i'm saying they're crazy but it's like they're crazy

but they don't they don't like there's a specific yeah homeless here that's zombie like which is what you're saying where it's like they're in a parking lot over there and they spot you and they start coming 100 that's that's that's the zombie part of it it's just like it's just yeah yeah tearing at the fence it's so true new york has crazy yeah homeless people yeah that like kind of they're in you they know the bubble they've been hit yeah yeah you know new york new york homeless is it's like kernels of popcorn like at the right temperature they all just start popping here they really do seek you out like snipers do it yes and they're like they're wandering they're

like there's also there's a lot more empty space so you see them moving yeah like you see them in the distance it's full it's a video it's hunting yeah yeah whereas new york you like turn a corner and you're like oh jesus yeah like fucking brush past yeah i'll never see that guy again. Yeah, yeah. There's nothing in the suburbs, man. It's such a nice change. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Dude, I went to Best Buy to get cards and shit.

And so we drove north and my buddy, my best friend from growing up, lives right up there. And I popped in. To Best Buy? No no i did a pop in at his house what do you mean i was i texted him i was like hey man are you you around i'm gonna pop in yeah i popped in you mean emotionally already and i and i had a thing i i walked in i went yeah i yeah, I had to run over to Best Buy. I figured I was in the number. You were already there? Dude, it was a dream. Dude. Yeah, I saw the Wawa in Vermont.

I just figured, I know Rich lives around here. Let me give him a shout. But hey. Ding dong. He's been living here. Hey, pal. You still like pizza? You were the pizza guy in high school, huh? Dude, he's been living here for like 15 years.

So he's completely unprepared for my like, can you believe we're down here energy? Meanwhile, you're the sniping stone was guy going, hey, I see you in the wind. I'm pulling your line. I'm smashing the door door waking up the baby yeah yeah his wife comes out in a robe like tell him never to pop in again that is very fun oh it was a dream yeah once i get the golf net up and get a car i'm set dude i have it all dude car to the gym when you get a car it's gonna be it's gonna be like you move to all over again because i'm driving her car yeah and it's like it's incredible yeah it's incredible

yeah just going anywhere yeah we're we're all our location is also we have access to everything yeah it's just not walkable you get a car we got a we got a whole food we got all the fucking you aloes yeah yeah i mean acting like i'm gonna be at lowes all the time no you will be i'll go there with you i need i need you to help me fast and shit i'm down come thursday yeah open your sketchy yeah yeah santorini gets in thursday is he here this weekend i think so yeah oh for south by or i don't know what he's doing i think he might be doing shows at the mothership i don't know he just said he's gonna be here all weekend there's a golf grip company that's uh asking to send this stuff i sent him a text and he's like you just have to you have to go to a pga pro store

and do it by feel and i was like, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I just need grips that don't, my club will slide into fucking John's house. Have you looked at horses? We have like two weeks for me to swing a club in the outside

with our net and turf. I'm going to have to put it in the garage. I got a two car garage. Really? Yeah. Zero cars.

Dude. It's going to be a golf net and fucking old cardboard. I would go in there and just turn on the lights. Just look at it. Smell. Oh cars. Dude. It's going to be a golf net and fucking old cardboard. I would go in there and just turn on the lights. Just look at it. The smell. Oh, the smell. The smell of a garage.

Why can't they put the auto body shop scent into a candle? I don't know. Walking into an auto body. I asked my carpenter. No joke. So we, I had to get that. It's got a little speaker on it. It's just like.

Dude. As soon as you light it. I had to have a guy come out and change the lights. Or not the lights, the locks. And he had to saw through wood and that smell of like burnt wood. I was like, can I ask you something? Yeah. He looks up.

He's got dust in his beard. They all have beards. Don't shave anymore, by the way. You look amazing. Me right now? This is it. This is the look? This, they'll confirm.

You got to stop shaving. You look amazing with a beard at this length. Yeah. You got the manscape connection? Yeah. Keep it at this length. I don't know. Why?

He turns to me. He's got like, it looks like Cheez-It bits all over his face. And I go, do you ever tire of the smell of like burning wood from the circle saw? Yeah. It's like, it's the aroma through my house. And I was, and he goes, no. Oh. And it was like poetic.

I thought he was going to give you some Iceman shit. Me too. I don't feel anything. Me too. He just looks up and he's like, I actually a plumber I don't feel anything anymore It's the first time I've ever smelled this They call me here to cut your lawn man I'm trying to save money

Oh god I'm sorry Have you found a bar? No that's another thing There's a wine bar very close. Again, walk, drive. The walk is only like 30 minutes, 25, 30 minutes. For New Yorkers, it's normal.

Yeah. They couldn't get over the fact that we walked there. Yeah, yeah. It's very nice. The food is very good. It's just a small little boutique shop. As soon as I walk in, this guy turns around. He's staring at me or her.

And he was like, Tommy Pope. And I was like, hey, man. How are you? Nice to meet you. He owns a place. Here's where this gets good. Met the chef. Chef cooked this French onion grilled cheese.

I'm going to bring you and Shane down. French onion grilled cheese. French onion grilled cheese. It is so fucking unbelievable. So what you do, like whatever the top of the French onion soup is, you make that the cheese? No, you just put standard Gruyere, which is what you top of like the French onion soup we made.

Yeah, yeah. Like a dish. Gruuyere inside what they did which was very unique they make their own focaccia bread sliced the focaccia bread in half he treats you know what i do with my grilled cheese on the ayg app yeah look at this he treats the inside with a crust of cheese uses that in the inside. So they flip it. So it's inside the focaccia. Top and bottom. It's like searing the focaccia with cheese. Yes. In a way.

And that's to seal off the absorption, over absorption of the liquids and still get some extra crunch and texture. And then they just butter the outside after they put onions and then they take the French onion au jus over top. And then scallions.

Oh my God. Insane. Turns out he owns a fucking joint. There's a pool there. So my next conversation, how do we get in there? Yeah. It's the only access to water we have. Outside of fucking Galveston.

Swimming in the shit water of Galveston. Is shit is gonna let you get in the pool huh i haven't talked to him about it yet oh okay yeah that's my that's on the fucking yeah you gotta tell the water access well other you know i'll be here three days a week i'll get wet by the hose. I got a hose out back. Dude, that would be set the sprinkler up. Dude, that's how I grew up. Running through the sprinkler. Literally, my parents will, their heads will explode. Two adults? Get out of here and look at this.

So am I, Ty. So am I, you know. This wop's getting moist. No, I think I have to think about an above ground pull plunge situation you gotta come over my buddy I was convincing my buddy

to have a barbecue like hang out on his porch he's got a grill he's got one of those eggs and I was like if you're cool with it Tommy can come over too And we'll He'll cook some shit up

Yeah You gotta check out His pool situation You gotta stop Renawap Dude Did the same fucking thing Shane texted me

He's like yo come over Come in the pool And I was like I can't We got a pod And he's like alright Well come over this week And immediately He was like

I'm sorry Cut the names Yeah And my girl was like Yeah well, come over this week. And immediately was like, I'm sorry, cut the names. Yeah. And my girl was like, yeah, Tommy will come over and cook for us. But I was like, stop fucking saying that. You know, it's like three to four hours of nonstop mayhem. Yes. That's what I want to see.

Well, I'm just waiting. Hammered. Those wings done yet? Yeah Jesus Christ How long's it been? No I just Every time I'm over his house I see that green egg

And I want to make a brisket I want to make a brisket Well this is the next So fucking bad This is the next stage Of Look at Dish Yeah Is

Country Barbecue Yes I'm going to learn How to do brisket I'm going to learn how to do brisket. I'm going to learn how to smoke. Dude. Meats, salmon, fish.

I'm going to, I'm going to, it's going to take, obviously that's one of those things takes a lifetime. Yes. But I'm going to get nice with it quick just for. Well, here's the question. Here's the question. Do you go green egg or do you actually get like a full on Texas smoker

you know what I mean here's what I'm gonna do like the fucking whatever they here's what I'm gonna do that old septic tank or whatever they use for

night one Rogan dapped me up like twice and I was like I'm fucking in yeah next time he goes to dap me up

I'm gonna be like this grab his balls and go get me a Traeger yeah get me in that fucking Traeger. Yeah. Yeah.

I want to, I want to two foot long. Just a media phone call. I'm banned from the club. I grabbed Joe Rogan's balls. Also I go to grab him. He's like, just a fucking elbow right to my forehead.

I'm just going. Gaves in. Old mac and cheese flowing from my nostrils. No, I think I, I'm going to look into like a proper smoker. The egg is nice, but for like big meats. What I want to do. I don't know. I don't know.

I need to do research. What I want to do. I want to, I'm going to go over there. I want to scope out the yard. Then I want to pour a concrete slab. Jesus. That you put many different types of cooking things on there. Oh, my God.

A grill. Pizza oven. Pizza oven. Fucking smoker. How much room do you think I got in my backyard? I don't know. You're talking about driving mowers? You don't need that much room.

You just line them all up. I don't want you to be disappointed in the size of my yard. Dude, put it on the front. I want you to be impressed with my yard. Dude, fucking put it out front like Paisito. That would be sick, dude. Yeah, show all my fucking... All my mannequin clowns for all the neighbors to see.

All my culinary mannequin clowns. Oh, I'm going to miss Paisito. Paisito. It is true. You don't realize. People that go to New York, they're just like, God, this place is a fucking wreck. And you're like, what? It's charming. And you leave. You're like, oh my God. We lived across the street from

a Mexican clown that had six cars and drove around on a I know. On like an eight-foot... I know. What do you call him? Something Penny? What? The bike.

Oh, yeah. Something Penny. Unicycle? No. It's got a giant wheel and a small wheel. Feather Penny? Yeah, what the hell is that called? God damn it.

Penny Farthing. Penny Farthing? Is that really what that's called? Penny Farthing. Yeah, it's got like a 10-foot wheel and then like a 2-foot wheel. That dude used to bop around the town on a fucking penny farthing. Dude, ever since you've been in Texas, your vocabulary has expanded tremendously. That's crazy.

You dropped undulation the other day, and now you're saying penny farthing? You think I don't have fucking... I'm not saying that you don't, but I'm just saying penny farthing is a hell of a pull. Hey, Siri. Look up penny farthing is a hell of a pull hey siri look up penny farthing let's go that's insane let's go how big's the front wheel it's got to be four or five feet right also known as a high wheel okay that's somebody didn't go to school what's that that what do you say high wheel bike is

it's great this this was like i guess this was made before they thought of like gear changes. Is that what's going on? Yeah, this is, I mean, black and white film. Because they wanted to go high speed, so they got a giant wheel. Just keep increasing the wheel. Yeah. They wanted a wheel that was bigger than the rotation of your feet.

God, I've been up since seven. What were you doing this? Oh, you were doing the test today? Yeah, it was all today. I'd be apoplectic. There you go. Now I know what you're doing. Chris?

Penny, hit me with penny farthing. It's pretty gauche to hit me with penny farthing. I'm not kidding. Alright, let's head to the page. Head to the page. We're back. I'm sorry about all that. That's the move.

That's the move. I shouldn't be sorry. It's emotional. It is emotional. I just feel like it's filled with me reading a diary instead of just being fun. Yeah, I know. But it is like, this is our life now. We moved.

It's a big deal. Also, maybe they just really care for us. Do you think fans care for us? I don't know. I don't know if we're that kind of podcast. You know what I mean? You don't want to get sentimental and caring? I do.

I do. I just don't think they care. Yeah, they can't possibly. We're not sympathetic figures, I think, in the world. I disagree. Tragic figures. I think we're all of it. I think we're tragic, sympathetic, and empathetic.

Well, I feel like I'm empathetic and sympathetic. You're very empathetic. But I'm saying that as characters in the world, I think we're... This just turns into a hardcore porn.

You start fucking your ass until your lace is undue. Do it on the balcony, dude. That's what you... Nah, I'll flip you over, dude. You don't know the power of my thrust.

Your balcony's scary as hell. It spooks you. It's frightening. I love it. Nah. I wish it was bigger. They ask you questions before I did my permit exam.

They ask you like 28 questions. And the purpose is to alleviate like a robot. So you're like, what color is your favorite color? What color is your hair? What color are your eyes? Are you afraid of heights? Do you like skiing? Like random ass shit.

So as you go through certain sections, you'll get hit with one of these questions to make sure that it's you. Because it's supposed to be six hours. Yeah. So you're not just bringing in like a fucking, you know, a wella. Right, right, right, right, right.

Somebody else. Yeah, somebody's not tagging in. got an mit student taking my driver's license oh yeah anyway i forget the point of that story all right i need a nap this is a good ending. Is it? This is a solid ending. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, it's tough to talk. It's also tough because we're not a storytelling podcast a ton. We don't do a lot of storytelling.

I'm the worst storyteller, I think, in the world. I think you're being It's like really bad. You're being hard on yourself. It's really bad. Anytime I try to tell a story, I panic. I will say this. I panic. I feel like people are getting bored, so I skip ahead,

but then I skip over some important information, then I go back, and I'm like, I can't manage my emotions. All right. To make an analogy. Yeah. You are the Cliff Notes version. Cliff Notes Verzi. Just throwing Verzi under the bus.

It's got nothing to do with him. Sorry, Verzi. It has nothing to do with you. Like, you're Cliff Notes in terms of a storytelling. I am like the Old Testament. Yeah, yeah. It's just a matter of, like like what blends into your personality and your and your sense of humor style yeah you know you get to the point time with it here's the joke

here's the premise here's my point yeah i like to tell you about my lawnmower my permit exam and that's why i'm apologizing because if you came here for shotgun jokes boy oh boy are you fucking upset it is that thing it's like your brain has been seized up in logistics for so long and then you get here and you have a week and you're just well you're still dealing with logistical crap which is annoying but then the other side of it is just like this is so nice i can't believe we're down here yeah dude i I went and got coffee with my girl this morning, and I was the most boring person you can imagine. Same.

I was just going like, look at this coffee shop. Same. Can you believe we're here? Yeah. Look at this weather. Yeah. Oh, my God. There's a palm tree.

Yeah. You turn into the most basic bitch of all time. Dude, it's like the week prior to the week after is like cast away when Tom Hanks has to break the surge of the oncoming waves. Yeah, yeah. And then he finally gets out and he's like. And he doesn't know what the hell is coming, you know. Right, right, right. Ahead of him, but he's just like, I made it.

Yeah. I got past that giant fucking wave. I got this dog shit sale. Doesn't matter if it's a high rise or a nice fucking home. It's still like, hell is still there, dude. But, you get that break. It's

too much. Maybe we'll put this on the Patreon. Maybe it was just too personal. It is. It's a personal journey. Maybe they'll put this on the Patreon. Yeah. Maybe it was just too personal. It is. It's a personal journey. Maybe they'll like it. People love us. I think so.

I find it hard to believe, but I think that is true. Yeah. I got a lot of nice messages. Hope your move's going well. Really? Yeah. I respond. Not one person messaged me about that.

You don't seem to be the... I'm the old guy that greets you To check your receipt at Home Depot Yeah I'm approachable You're the security guard with mace in your hand That's racist against black women But it's because something happened to me in my past

And what did they do? How would they react?