Stuff Island - Bad Security Dog - Stuff Island #142 w/ David Jolly

Episode Date: July 17, 2024

Bad Security Dog - Stuff Island #142 w/ David Jolly Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Dave on IG: https://www.instagram.com/mrdjolly/?hl=en Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to Nutrafol.com/men and enter the promo code STUFF Visit Betterhelp.com/stuffisland for 10% off your first month Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're on. Ten minutes. This is what we do. Oh, hell yeah. Let's do it, baby. I thought so. He just keeps checking his phone, though, as if we're not. No, for the past ten minutes, I've been fixing the fucking AC.

Oh, you've been up there? It's not working. You've been up there with a wrench? No, I got to connect to the Nest because I changed the temperature. It's 74 degrees, which is unacceptable. Are you over this fucking hotel apartment yet? No, it's just coming into itself. You're liking it now.

Because every time I show up here, you bitch about something. It's nice. If you was single, you would have had them sluts over there. This is what, you got to have sluts if you live in something like this. Imagine not getting laid paying for this. Yeah, exactly. I mean, not wholesome women. I'm talking about sluts.

Yeah. There's no question. Grimy bitches from 6th Street. There's no question. Saturday night fucking pinatas. I do thank God every day that I'm not single in here. I would be dead. Especially with the balcony.

You both fall off fucking. There'd still be no furniture in here. You wouldn't need it. You wouldn't need it. You'd need one-its to feed them on their way out yeah and some black and mouse yeah black and miles for holes like that they love just a whole the medicine cabinet is just black and miles on yeah oh yeah you got old like fat white ladies like, you know, like all kind of hoes. Puerto Ricans. Really?

You know what I mean? Yeah. Black and milds, like, just with the nicotine? Not spliffs? Yeah. I mean, you keep... Listen to undercover company. You got to keep some weed, but, like, the black and milds, like, that's when...

That keep them, like, going throughout the day. Because you can't smoke weed in public, so they smoke black in my house. You can't smoke weed here? Not in public. Really? It's decriminalized, but I mean, it ain't legal. Yeah. You don't want that fucking heat.

People seem to be getting away with it. They got the THCA bullshit, but... That's not real weed, right? That's what these are. That Omega-3? What's it called? I mean, it's not THCA. It's precursor.

It's real weed. So it's not a HCA it's precursor it's real weed so it's like technically not it's technically legal you can't get arrested for it but it's not the real uncut shit it's legal until you light it well

it's like I'm not kidding damn just skipping my cops with six of them in your fucking mouth unlit it's real weed though

yeah yeah it's real weed what's it called delta delta 5 no that's delta nine or delta eight or whatever they just when they cut it off it's like when they read it it's like three percent or whatever yeah but they said they keep growing so it's still it's still

real weed i don't i don't fucking know so this is like a like a baby veal i just buy mine illegally man yeah yeah the old-fashioned way. Yeah. That's what my girl does. Yeah. Yeah. You got to do it. I'm not going to get into that, but.

I kind of like that zone for weed, to be honest. Support your local farmers, dude. It's decriminalized, but you're not allowed to sell it. Yeah. Yeah. And the guys that are doing it on their own are, they're like, they know what they're doing. Yeah. And it's like uncut shit.

That's like getting Colombian Coke. Right up the road in Oklahoma, though, they got legal medical weed. Yeah. Like, if you got a medical card, you can just walk around like two houses. Isn't that fucking easy to get? Don't they have it here? It's real easy. You just say, I'm anxious on airplanes.

Yep. You know, I got a limp. If you get a card, boom. Yeah. Boom. My back hurts. My anxious on airplanes. Yep. You know, I got a limp. Boom. Yeah. Boom. My back hurts. My tummy itches.

Yeah. I can't get out of bed. My back. I used to be a plumber. Yeah. Just say anything. It's like, here's a card to fucking go flying all day for nothing. Anything. I remember when I got mine in Florida, the lady was like, yeah, and you, yeah, you got

fired? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So she was telling me what to say. And I was like, yep. I was like, yeah, and you, yeah, you got fired? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So she was telling me what to say. And I was like, yep. I was like, yeah. You got fired? I quit my job and I'm pretty stressed about it.

My girlfriend yelled at me. Yeah, exactly. Can I have legal weed? And she was just writing it down. Do they get paid like a doctor gets paid for writing scripts for a company? You know, like a. The legal weed? They charge you for the visit.

Well, yeah, they charge you. It's like $180 altogether, but you get your license. Yeah. That's like the screening. You're supposed to like, oh, are you eligible to get it from some doctor that's working like one of them strip plazas? Yeah. You know what I mean?

That shit, I don't even know what it is, but they got a real doctor license. To travel agents, to some fake doctor writing fucking scripts. It should be like a Costco card. A dollar general. A pre-license good for six months

and then you got to re-up. A party city and there's just some Indian dude just writing scripts for all these fat ladies. Then it's a 7-Eleven. Yeah, it's a one 7-Eleven

to get all your babies. Just one big ass 7-Eleven. To get all your taquitos when you get fucked up on the good shit. That's where I think all these security dogs get their licenses for these...

What do you call them? Travel. Safety. Mental health. Yeah, one of those fucking things. Service dogs. You pay a little fee to get a certificate.

You go through a phone call saying, ah, you know? I get shaky in elevators. Yeah, that really should be like the Taco Bell and KFC combo. Just like a mental health dog and weed license. I mean, of course. Why you can't pick the type of dog you want, though? What if you want like a mixed dog, like a mutt? They do.

They say you got a special license for that. What if you want a pit bull, though? No, you can't do pit bulls. Apparently, there's like a limitation around pit bulls. Damn. Really? They get a bad fucking rep because the owners. I've always said this.

There's no such thing as a bad dog. It's a bad owner. There's no such thing as a bad kid. It's a bad owner. There's no such thing as a bad kid. It's a bad parent. I don't know. I think certain dogs are bred to do certain things. Yeah, chihuahuas are cunts. Small dogs are cunts.

There's no big dog that you can't raise as a sweetheart. I know, but a retriever is going to want to retrieve. Of course. They're bred to retrieve. Pit bull is going to want to get in the pit and bull out. No. That's his name to do. See, white people are ruining this.

I don't think so. I don't think so. I think you can coach him out of it. You can coach any dog to be a fucking asshole. Yeah. That's the point.

What about, what about, you think you can turn one of them big ass York Shires into like a vicious... No, he's not going to beat a fucking pit bull

in a ring. Yeah. A York Shire carrier? No, what's not going to beat a fucking pit bull in a ring. Yeah. Are you excited, Terrier? No, what's them big ass ones called? St. Bernard's. Oh, St. Bernard's. No, that's a baby. They're babies.

No, they can't. It's not in their blood. But if you beat him with a fucking stick for the first six months, I guarantee he's going to bite somebody. I bet, yeah, I bet you could get a Bernard to win a couple fights. Yeah, just on sheer weight. Yeah, and just, you know, train him up a Bernard to win a couple fights. Yeah. Just on sheer weight. Yeah. And just, you know, train him up.

It's like a lazy bear. Yeah, you got to train him right with the monks. They're like bears now. Yeah. Give him that monk training. Every year, just fucking whack him every month. Stay out in the cold for seven hours. I wonder if there is weight classes for dog fighting.

Like, they do have chihuahuas go on chihuahuas. They should. Yeah, yeah. They have to. That's like flyweight boxing. Yeah. That's boxing best boxing because they hit each other

a billion times but they have no power behind it the chihuahuas teeth can't get through each other's skin so they are just just pinching just pinching each other

just toddlers going at it what is that weight that's like bantam weight flyweight bantam weight I don't know featherweight

like 99 pounds. They're less than like 125, 130. Could you do a safe version of dog fighting where you put like a mouth guard in? What's the point? I don't know. That's like flag football. They don't get hurt. Who gives a shit?

You love flag football. I do. They're like playing. I wouldn't pay to watch it. I don't want to see the blood and violence, but I don't want to see two dogs go. You want to see two dogs go grab each other with their mouth but they just they have like a garden so their teeth can't dude that's like the dead BNBA you're not gonna see you're not fucking Koreans smoking cigarettes on crates slapping $100 in their face

shut the three shut the three they don't give a fuck fuck that three man I was laughing about just like anytime I see a WNBA players recorded

a triple double it's like yeah no shit the tallest one in 6th grade how many possible rebounds are available every game six thousand yeah that's why kate lecarx is pulling up she's like fuck it if i miss it one of us will get it i got homeboys that be watching tonight but i've been like y'all gotta cut this shit out man they're all whored up though because the women now are doing that fucking that runway walk like the men do yeah yeah they're coming out in these outfits you're like oh you know what i mean

they're wearing the same outfits yeah it's like that girl from like the high school that just comes down in prom she's got big fat tits she's been hiding underneath a sweater her mom needed you've been shocked by the yeah and they start wearing makeup and they come out down the down the walk yeah yeah out of the garage you're like damn yeah they look good and you can out down the walk out of the garage, you're like, damn. Yeah, they look good. And you can't tell the size difference. There's no quarter or sneaker next to them. Because if you saw them in life, you're like, I can't fucking.

I can't King Kong my way up that body, dude. That bitch is nice. I wouldn't make it to the third floor. It's a big old woman. Big bitch. Yeah, big old woman. Where the fuck are you from? You from Florida? I'm from Orlando.

Yeah, dude. It'd be so funny if one of them walks over to this window. What if she's just like this? Are you talking about the W-1? Steps onto the balcony. Are you laughing at my automobile? Orlando, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm from Florida or Orlando. You ever been to Orlando? Yeah, I've been there once. Twice. You been to the Funny Bone? No. We didn't do the Funny Bone in Orlando. Orlando, all once. Twice. You've been to the Funny Bone? No. We didn't do the Funny Bone in Orlando. Orlando, all right.

Yeah. When I left Florida and I came back, and then I came back to Texas, I realized people from Florida are the craziest motherfuckers in the world. Yeah, no shit. Like crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Like shit that I used to think was normal.

I was like, damn, I used to be crazy for a little while. Because that was like normal. I love how you say you used to be. That's adorable. I've been here for like a year. You doing like bath salts and stuff? Nah, fuck no. Not like drugs, but just like, I don't know, just ways of thinking about shit.

Yeah. Like how to get money and shit? Or just how to snap on a motherfucker first. Yeah. Instead of like, hey, you could probably talk about that. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like that was normal if somebody did that like i ain't the type of person to do it but i'm just saying to see it yeah and

to see like people like talking over stuff i'm like that's very adult yeah yeah yeah see i'm yeah i'm connecticut i'm the exact opposite people snap right no no nobody snaps it's the it's the exact opposite like. You get in a conflict and you're like, let's get some lawyers involved here. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Come on my boat,

we'll talk this over. Yeah. Somebody going to owe me some money, for real. Yeah, yeah. Those are the people you want to get to hit you in because you can sue their dad.

Yeah, I feel like I could use a little more of that. Get a couple buko bakos and a pop. Yeah, yeah. Hit me, Chad, you fucking pussy. Snap and hit somebody. You from Hartford?

Hartford, Connecticut? No, Hartford's... That's the hood, right? Hartford's rough, yeah. Yeah. Even New Haven's rough. Bridgeport, yeah. Hell yeah.

It can get, yeah. They don't fuck around. Yeah, people thought that, like, Connecticut was soft. I tell you, boy, what's his name? The football dude? Oh, yeah. Hernandez. Hernandez.

He was like a whole goddamn... Yeah, Bristol. what's his name? The football dude? Oh, yeah. Hernandez. Hernandez. He was like a whole goddamn. Yeah, Bristol. That's bad. Yeah. Bristol's rough. A killer in like, he was just killing for nothing. You might have had a sickness or something, man.

You thinking that's like a disease? I don't know. I feel like his whole story was like a privilege and he wanted to act out and be tough. Yeah. And then it went too far. Yeah, way too far. And then he had people around him protecting him. I didn't think it was real. His mom was fucking around or his dad was

fucking around or some shit. I don't know. I feel like and again I don't know. It's my fucking opinion. Just watching it I don't think he was true street. I think he wanted street cred. He was so good at football that he's around these fucking guys that are like brutes.

And he's strong and tall and handsome and hot. And I want to never. And then he just was like, fuck it. I could do whatever I want. I'm protected. And then he started like acting tough. It's like rappers. Yeah, that shit.

So you ever see these rappers that listen to their lyrics? You see them in person? Like 5'3"? Yeah, come on, man. But they're protected by that are, you listen to their lyrics, you see them in person, like 5'3". Yeah, come on, man. But they're protected by crips, and they're hanging out with these fucking... It's got to also help you get, it gives you an edge on the football field

if you're hanging around those guys. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. You're in that mix, and you're like, use that to like, when you're on a field, you're not scared of anyone. But then you get to the NFL, and you're getting like massages every day.

Yeah, yeah. Walking around, you got a sick house. I definitely get massages. Yeah. The real kind yeah the ones with that finishing move you know what I mean dude for like 60 bucks yeah I go in debt for 60 dollars it's not here but in New York even by us like they like they give you like visual cues that it's not just a salon. Like in New York. In Queens.

Oh, yeah. The ones you can walk into. Oh, yeah. Dude, they would sit out front and act like they're just handing flyers. And they would just go. They would just give a gesture. Yeah, in Queens. Damn.

I never saw that. I never noticed any of that. On Broadway. I just assumed they had a cough or something. Yeah. You said they wanted some coffee? No, she had a cough or something yeah you say that they want some coffee something's on her lip yeah yeah put your mouth put your hand to your mouth like that that's weird do you bless people when you say coffee i say bless you i took the god out of it because it was weird growing up i grew up catholic no but not when people cough

yeah not right no damn sneeze i'd be so high i just say bless you to everything yeah but also Because it was weird growing up. I grew up Catholic. No, but not when people cough. Yeah, not cough. Oh, cough? No. Damn. Sneeze. I'd be so high, I'd just say bless you to everything. Yeah. But also, my cough sounds like a sneeze. I got a weird fucking sounding cough when I get one out. I got an anxiety cough.

It's like. Yeah. It sounds like a. But it's all anxiety. I start doing that shit when I'm very anxious. Really? Yeah, my girl called me on it. I think I do that, too. Where it be like I'm trying to make myself cough.

Yeah. But it don't really be a cough. Yeah. And I'm just fucking with my brain. Yeah. Thinking that I need to cough, but I really don't need to cough. Yeah. But I'm still like, I'm still like, like just in case while I'm talking, I just gotta cough

while I'm talking. But you probably not. But what if, you know? Yeah, it's like peeing on a long road trip when you don't have to go. Or that's called being 40. You know what I mean? I made sure that motherfucker drank.

He was so hot on you. I've been talking about this. I remember John Heffron doing this joke. First time I was ever in Portland, Oregon, featuring for him. And he had a joke where he's like i hit like now used to piss you got a great stream i lived with them it's a fucking piss rocket dude it's a horse and then it just stops and john heffron you say like he got to this age

he was on stage i forget what it was in the early 40s where like it stops and then you think you're good for the last 35 39 years you walk out and it's just like yeah and you just get this little heat afterwards and it ruins your pants yeah so now you literally remember like making fun of old men shaking not hearing anything and just sitting there waiting there is a you got another a few tablespoons of piss that are going to fall out of your dick. Like, like a, like a fat kid rolling down a hill. Dude, it's in every airport. It's at every Eagles game.

It's just a dude with his hands on his hips. Yeah, just waiting. Just waiting. Just waiting. No, that was a real cough. I think so. I think that one was real. Cause it'd be like a dry cough.

My bad. I didn't mean to fuck you. No, you're good. No, no. You cut off my brilliance Of my piss not working No no that piss For real

I was about to say something Yeah I'd be I'd be uh Using tissue now Yeah Cause like for real That shit'll fuck your pants up

Yeah Yeah you do a man A man pond I mean not Not walk around with it Like I hit him On the head You just hold it

Yeah Afterwards Well yeah You gotta wipe him up You put a little mushroom head of toilet paper in your pants? No, I don't. I hold it. Like he's presenting a bottle of wine.

No, I don't. No, my brother. I clean it. You know what I mean? 2024 Austin. No, man. I throw it away, man. I don't walk around with it.

That's crazy. Blow your nose with it. That's like a... That's metrosexual Dude I used to do fucking I used to do man ponds Like during the summer In Philly

I would take A strip of like Paper towels Depending on what color pan I was wearing Like I couldn't wear shit Like this when I was younger Yeah

Like this color Any khaki I'd take two Paper towels Fold them in like To a quarter but still length wise i go from the base of my nuts all the way up my ass if i had to walk like two miles yeah because it would ruin my fucking pants i'd sweat all out the back i'd blow the whole back out with sweat that's crazy manpower dude and you like did you

and then I fucking empty out once the sun went down or whatever I take it out oh you good I take the moist towelette

toss it in the sink oh my god really like with the sweat if the wind hits you the right way it's kind of like an AC

I like it I like it yeah but back then I was wearing two tight jeans and fucking kevvy denim yeah you can't wear shorts on stage so you go out early yeah it's too fucking humid

it's not like this yeah this heat i gotta say you can't give it to me i i fucking like it yeah i love you like this i do everyone was like wait dude You say you love it. Just wait. I am out all day, every day, and I fucking love it. It's not humid. Oh, you go out and go to be active? I do shit, yeah. Oh, okay. I love it. Oh, okay.

The heat's nice. I fucking love it. Oh, I guess if you're getting active, it's like you're draining more bad energy. It's probably what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm getting all my fucking demons out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like sitting in a sauna. You know, yeah. And that probably what I'm doing. Yeah. I'm getting all my fucking demons ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like sitting in a sauna.

You know, yeah. Maybe that's why I like it. Yeah. It also feels like the city's built for it. You know what I mean? Like it's easy to find like a cool place

to sit down and chill. Yeah, yeah. That's got to be the worst part about not drinking anymore. You just like, I love walking around with my girl for like two, three miles.

Yeah. You know, you go shopping, you do some shit with a friend, and then you go, let's pop in here, get a beer, take a piss. I get an N.A. Okay. How long has it been for you? I mean, I still am drinking. I'll have a beer and a shot almost every night.

But that's nothing compared to what it used to be. Yeah, that's absolutely nothing. That's healthy. Yeah. That's absolutely nothing So like That's healthy Yeah It's been a year for me Cause like Dang

Really Yeah cause like I ain't gonna lie I was a professional alcoholic Like I was fun to be around Yeah yeah Give me your fucking card back Nah I can't

Give me your card back I wanna give it to another friend What Yeah professional alcohols Oh yeah give me somebody else Yeah Somebody who fucking I was fun

Wants it I'm just saying Yeah no like But I couldn't handle it. Like, I would drink, like, all day long. Just looking through your walls, like, oh, that's Dave's. This one expired. I was good, though. I was good.

I was the life of the party. What was your choice? Yeah, man. Oh, whiskey? Yeah. I would go to the bar, and I'd say, excuse me, bartender. Can I get you the shittiest whiskey and coke? Yeah.

Yeah. That gut rot. Yeah. Or Jack. Did you do the separate shot thing where there's a tiny shot of coke and a tiny shot of whiskey? Now, when I used to be a waiter and a bartender and shit, when I get off, I'm definitely doing a shot of Jack, a shitty whiskey. That's redundant. If it's been a long night,

I got to do old two shots. That's to start him up. Yeah, of course. I got some catching up to do. It's like 12, 30 at night. You know what I mean? We were talking about this where there's no better feeling

than when you're really tired and you have that first shot of whiskey or a beer and all of a sudden you're just back. All right, guys. This episode is brought to you by and sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp.com. You got to try it out.

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Back to your regular schedule program. Yeah, it's a Red Bull. Yeah, yeah. It's a fucking alcoholic Red Bull. Just rocket fuel. Yeah, it's so great. Well, what'd you used to drink? Whiskey too? You got whiskey blood? Oh, I still do. Bourbon so great. What did you used to drink? Whiskey too?

I still do. Bourbon. I've moved from Irish and Scottish to bourbon. Now I'm in mezcal zone. Bourbon is like a Jim Beam. Jim Beam has one, yes. Woodford. Woodford's the best

of that level. I wish that I could drink at a gentleman's pace to be able to drink and just say, okay, I had a drink. All right, I'm good. Everybody have a good night.

That ain't me, though. It's like, you remember old school when they say, we don't want Frank to tank? Yeah. I swear, Frank come back,

it's all down here. Dude, yeah. I swear, if Frank come back, it's all down here. Oh, dude, yeah. Everything I work for is over. They like, they done banned Jolly out of Austin. This nigga can't even come back to Austin no more, never. The nigga in the wheelchair, he done rolled up like this. They done got me to the edge of town and say, you can't even fly to the airport, bitch.

It's over for you. What do you do now? I smoke weed, yeah. Every blue moon, I take some shrooms, but them shits feel too good. Yeah. That's like a, that hit of dopamine sometimes be too much. Yeah.

You got to kind of stay grounded to what reality is, you know? Yeah. And that's a hard thing to do, I feel like, consistently. And you have to do it consistently to figure out what is the right amount. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I mean, because even you be thinking to yourself, is somebody working harder than me? I'm not in competition with anybody else, but if you see these people doing that, it's

like, damn, I've been wanting to do that let me push myself yeah because see it'll motivate me if i see my buddies doing shit and it's like damn let me get on my shit yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah dude yeah there is a there's like a weird guilt factor that i kind of came in with me with weed too i used to smoke a lot of weed and then it just gets really yeah a ton i didn't know that yeah yeah i used to smoke a lot of weed Really? Yeah a ton I didn't know that I used to smoke every day I don't know why that's funny to me It used to be a full time pothead? Yeah full time

You were chill as different kinds of bombs I thought you smoked now Yeah That's so funny And then it just got to a place Where every time I would smoke And right as the high was kicking in, I'd be like, oh, fuck. My whole day is fucked. Yeah.

Like, I'm not going to do anything again today. Yeah. And then so then it would just be a whole like anxiety, panic attack about like how fucking in Cape. I incapacitated myself. And now. Yeah. And then I just I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I'm going to take it. Yeah. how fucking I incapacitated myself and now fuck. And then I just couldn't do it. I couldn't do it anymore. You gotta go take a nap.

Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. And then you just wake up and the sun's down. That's how I feel about getting back into stand-up. Now I'm starting to really feel guilt that's not warranted. It is warranted, but it's like it's earned because I look back on the last i took like

six years off and i just got like back at it like hard and i look back like how much wasted time and like now i'm like okay every day i could write every day yeah yeah and even when we were on tour for the first tour it's like ah here's the jokes and here's the thing now i'm like oh i'm seeing comics like him yeah you working on like different stuff and i'm like what the fuck are you doing then you go all right well today's gonna be different i'm gonna drink a lot less yeah and then it just starts accumulating and compounding rather yeah i'm like all right well this whole week i've got i got like 10 shows this week yeah i've never had 10 shows in one week and. Yeah. Never once. Yeah, yeah.

Never fucking once. Yeah. So every day you're thinking of, what is my set? What do I want to work on? And if you have 10 sets, you don't take one set every two, three weeks and put pressure on it.

Yeah, yeah. You go, fuck it. Have fun. Talk like you should. Yeah. Be yourself. Yeah. Lose the fucking pressure.

Yeah. Yeah. There is, yeah, there's no, there is like really no substitution for just the repetitions. Yeah, I had no idea. Yeah. Even when I was doing it, I never did repet. There is, yeah, there's no, there is like really no substitution for just the repetitions. Yeah, I had no idea. Even when I was doing it, I never did repetitions. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd still do like once every couple weeks. Yeah. You can take, you can take, like say you're just in town, right? You can take from Monday, you can get up like five times on a Monday, 10 minute sets. Real life. Yeah. You can probably do like 25 sets in a week

if you do it all the way to Sunday. Probably 30. Do I help my girlfriend pack her bags? No, I'm just saying. I'm just saying that's the capability. I know. I don't want to be a fucking complete

maniac about it. I think finding a balance with how many sets you want to do and what's working, but who knows? I mean, this might lead into something going, ah, I'm a fucking insane person about it. I want to do 10 new minutes every three days, you know? Yeah, and there's scary stuff too. I worry about being the guy who's like working on stuff while i'm out you know what i mean like the writing

between sets yeah like i just i don't know listening to your own audio i remember dudes in new york i'm not gonna say names but like they'd be like they go to the bar yeah and just listen to their own audio from the first set. To go to the next set, it's like, dude, I get it. If I do something like that, I do it in the bathroom with the lights out and a flashlight. No one knows I'm doing this. Or you just say, I've got to make a phone call.

You walk around the block. Don't do that in front of... You want to impress somebody? All those guys that I remember doing it, they're not doing comedy anymore. New York can eat you up Yeah, yeah, yeah. New York can eat you up fast, though, won't it? Yeah.

Yeah, if you're not doing the right things. Because it's so much, again, like... Nowadays, it's shit, though. I mean, outside of the good ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I just feel like the... Yeah, it's messy. Again, it's just not as fun as it is here. Everything here is all in the same kind of area.

You can hang out with your friends and see people. I feel like if you're going to do three or four spots a night in New York, you're going to be bouncing around all over the place, and it's going to be. You can station up where you say, you know what? Everybody, we're going gonna stay at the creek. You know what I mean? And you go do your set. Come right back.

You can do that all night and walk to every show you got. Yeah, it's fantastic. Also, the clubs are like so much more understanding. Like in New York, it's like they have their squad and it's like if you do sets here, you can't do

it there and everybody understands in in austin all the club managers are like we want you to go fuck yeah yeah yeah go do sets get better yeah yeah get fucking better then come come back here that's a crazy mentality elsewhere and shouldn't be at all yeah yeah i i think that's just like old yeah i don't know yeah i feel like there's just old old mentalities that they're like they don't know it's again it's like a lot of the places are run by people that are almost like not even in comedy yeah no shit so they like don't they don't get it and they're stuck in sort of like an old world idea of like how the thing is supposed to function. They function like corporate American

secretaries. Where they're like, this is my job and I'm going to be overpowering about it. And overbearing. What is your fucking... Do you need to feel something to make someone feel bad about not having a set? Does that get you off?

I think it is like the coach who's got a good team and they still have to ride them. Yeah. And their son's playing shortstop. He's batting like 120. Yeah, yeah. He's got a heroin addiction. Seven fucking.

Yeah. He got a cleft lip. Dude, I saw a hot girl with a cleft lip last week. I would bypass it Excuse me That's pretty That hot That's commitment I was like

That is fine It becomes adorable Would she be your old lady though? Like you would go around with her And I'm telling you She was good looking enough That I would fucking bypass it

Nice You know like Like a little kid with a lisp Yeah You're like That is so fucking adorable And then they get to like. You know like a little kid with a lisp? You're like, that is so fucking adorable. And then they get to like 13, you're like, somebody better jam you in the locker

to get that fucking fixed. You better get kicked into a fucking iron locker to fix your lisp or else you're going to have a hard life. This girl had like, you know, showing full tooth. Damn, good teeth? Smoke. Yeah, great teeth. There you go.

Smoke. Yeah. Anyway,. There you go. Smoke. Yeah. Anyway, I have a new fetish. Cleft lips. Cleft lips, dude. That's what's up. That's one porn category I've never searched. Yeah, it's going to...

Do you think that's... It's got to be on there, right? Yeah, it's got to be. Yeah, everything's... I'm pretty sure it is. Everything under the sun. Let's fire it up, dude. There's got to be a woman with a cleft lip

that found herself in a tough situation. But is there enough of them to have a whole category? I don't own our gun, let alone many guns. I'm pretty sure it is. You've got to probably put it in Google so it can be real broad. It's got to be as common as midgets. Yeah. But you can't find a lot of midget porn on, uh, I've been looking.

No, there's a lot of midget porn. I've been going to like XNXX. Yeah. They got it. X videos. Yep. I'm on it right now. Yeah.

Midgets? Yes, dude. Like, you haven't been able to find midgets that you're into? That you're into? Or just haven't been able to find midgets period? Not really like a lot of midgets. I searched probably like last month it was only like three midge videos.

And they weren't like good looking midges. Oh my god, look at this fucking, look at this girl, dude. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah, there's, you know what, then it starts getting in the men. You're right. It ain't a lot. What, gay midges? And they're also, they're morphing the lines here.

They're like dudes fucking regular sized women. Yes. I want to see somebody jamming one of them little bitty bitches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That's what I want to do. I want to get my paws on one of them little bitches and send it to the cleaners. You hear me?

I'm going to cream that bitch corn. Dude. I'm going to get her to boo. You're speaking his language. I'm going to get out of blue. You're speaking his language. I've talked about this so many times on the pod

because they're just like an image on an iPhone. You just shrink a fat-titted, fat-ass woman and just bring it down a little bit.

They got all the curves and you can post them up on a couch or a bed and you don't have to get on it. Go crazy. Spin it like a top. If you couch or a bed and you don't have to get on it. Go crazy. Spin it like a top.

If you do have a situation where you are going to fuck a WNBA chick, then you're going to want to watch the little dude fucking a normal-sized woman to see what he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Technique. How does he move around? Up and down.

Yeah. You're right about that, man. It is. It is getting up and down. It's Yeah. You right about that, man. It is. It is getting up and down. It's chipping from the bunker. There's no thick WNBA women, right? Some of them are. Yeah. Now those girls are real nice looking girls.

Underneath? Yeah, I was just joking. Like, they can actually play basketball. No, no shit. I don't want to watch that shit, but I mean, they can play. Yeah. Just because, you know, coming from the NBA, when I used to watch it, motherfuckers was dunking on people, you know what I mean?

Yeah. That's what I'm used to. Yeah. Them girls got some skills. No shit. Yeah, it's crazy. When they start dunking, I'm watching that shit. Yeah, yeah, you can.

That's 30 years off. Dunk and dunk. But not on nobody. Yeah, they dunk like, you know. On the fast breakers. Yeah. They have another lady standing there like this. A little midget.

Yeah, yeah. Everybody go crazy and she go, wee. Dude, WNBA Midget League would be sick. Just nothing but midgets. Yeah. Shrink the court. I wonder if they got an app for it, like for midgets. They probably got like a midget finder.

Oh, 100%. I mean, yes. Oh, they got a website. They just put gold out places. Hell yeah. You can probably put that together to see if we can get like a midget board. Like a little basketball calendar.

Every town, there's got to be a number we can find for an at-home renter stripper do you ever order strippers for a high school party i tried to order strippers once for my brother's bachelorette party and they didn't show up that was the only time i yeah yeah there was like three or four parties in high school we ordered strippers and then we would just try and get them to beat us off obviously that was like the whole goal the best time ever i'm gonna tell the story i don't think i've ever told this story we went to um i think i told the story maybe once we went to ac you see uh bob uh

dylan bob dylan bob dylan concert i didn't give a fuck right i just went for the weekend we got this motel on the off Horse Pike in Atlantic City. Real shithole. It's me and like four or five of my buddies from high school. This is like before cell phones. So you got to like memorize where you're at. We're like, we're all going to stick together. Who gives a shit?

The concert, Bob Dylan sounded like an old sick dog howling into like a Folgers can. Like it was like the worst music I've ever heard. Dude, I've heard he's been terrible for 25 years. Yes. Bob Dylan. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I heard you.

No, what I was about to say, oh, he might be like halfway dead. Oh, yeah. Now he's dead. He's Biden. He's full Biden. He's just like. Dude. This is like 95 and so we get to this this casino or whatever but it's a shit it's like i don't know five ten miles away and me and macklehenny it's macklehenny from uh it's always sunny's cousin yeah and we go upstairs we find out hbo

boxing's going on right so we leave and i'm like there's plenty of time in the concert this is let's just go check out this box and see if we can get in big shit man i start sweet talking this big fat black security lady and i'm like look my friend and i we just want to see boxing we've never seen boxing before we just want to and she's like go ahead go ahead go ahead go on baby every year you know you won't come yeah yeah so then we like sliver in there we're just watching we only watch like two rounds but we're like enamored by the shit because they're filming it like it had to be this is fucking great we go back downstairs to get to get to our friends they're stacking chairs the whole place is empty and me and him look at each other like we don't even know where the fuck we are.

All we know is our motel is on Black Horse Pike. Somewhere. Get in the car. Oh yeah, ain't no cell phones. Dude, no cell phones. And we don't have money to take a fucking collectively have money to take a cab. Yeah. Individually, we have no money to take a cab driving

down Black Horse Pike looking for a motel. So we're like whispering to each other, we're gonna Horse Pike looking for a motel so we're like whispering to each other we're gonna beat the cab as soon as we get to like when we see it we'll jump out of the red light

we finally identify it it's down this way but in Jersey you gotta take those fucking you know the horseshoe turns

to go the opposite direction you can't just take a left you gotta get off the fucking yeah yeah little there's a median in between I can't remember yeah like left. You got to get off the fucking. Yeah, yeah. Little. There's a median in between. I can't even.

Yeah, like Texas. They have those fucking roundabouts or whatever the fuck they are. And we get to the red light after we stop. And we're like, all right. As soon as he pulls up around the other side going the opposite direction, you know. We'll jump. We'll jump out. Yeah.

All I hear is. And Mack on, he just beats, beats it he fucking fucks off yeah and i'm by myself the guy locks the doors and he's gonna pay you pay you pay he's flipping the fuck out through this for the rear rear view and i'm like i got i don't have money and he's screaming he's like an arab guy screaming his fucking guts out and i'm scared. I'm shit in my pants. He's like, you pay! You pay! And he's between the fucking, he's like staring at me and I was like, I don't have the money.

He has the money. Open the door. I'll go get him. Mac when he's running the opposite side of fucking traffic. Hops the median. Dodging traffic. He's doing frogger across the other side. Superhero shit. I'm like, unlock the door. I gotta get him to get the money.

And he finally unlocks the door because he's like, what am I gonna do? I think he's gonna like circle around and start chasing us. I'm running down the traffic now trying to get to him.

And then we run into our door. The curtains are already closed. There's two fucking strippers. All our buddies are on the bed. There's two strippers One big fat lady Who is a monster Dude

Ain't nobody Secret creature Ain't nobody fucking No one's fucking yet It just started She got a boombox On top of the television Playing like 90s R&B

Hell yeah Yeah yeah Scratchy Terrible quality The best shit ever The diss She got a diss She got a diss

Yeah yeah Yeah yeah Stepping on Usher Hell yeah Hell yeah. She got a diss. She got a diss. Yeah, yeah. Stepping on Usher. Yeah, hell yeah. And then one skinny broad, like you could see her knife wounds. You know, she's all fucking cracked out of her skull. And they're all dancing with each other. My one buddy claimed he was the bachelor.

So he got fucked in the bathroom. He had his own private room. And then we just convinced. I took my clothes off way too fast. My buddies were laughing. The fat girl was just going around beating everybody up. Yeah, that's a good time. Yeah, it's the only reason you should go to a Bob Dylan concert.

Just sitting next to your friend naked with a limp dick waiting for your turn. Just getting ripped. No, I was fine, dude. Back then, you could drink and smoke and do whatever you wanted, dude. Your dick be hard as hell. You're fucking 18.

Yeah, but your friends are there. Yeah, well. When I stopped drinking. True friends don't matter. Yeah. When I stopped drinking, my dick be working all the time now. Like, on call. Yeah.

When I used to drink, you know, that bitch was like a roller in the dice. See, I feel bad for people like that, man. What, rolling the dice? I've never had, no, no. I've never had a hard time with booze and getting hard. I used to black out. Yeah, me too, babe. You know what I mean?

I mean, blacking out, trying to fuck. Yeah. And my shit just like, either it's way too hard, or it's like perfect, or that bitch is not responding. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like that bitch is... Dude, yeah. There's also a feedback loop of, like, if your dick's just not great

and you're hammered and you know that it's not doing good, then you get sad about it. There's nothing for us to do. It's a... Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah. It's a cycle of...

I can fuck with you, too. Yeah, yeah. You're just like, ah, this dick sucks. Ah, he's slapping around. Yeah. And then he comes back up, yeah. You're just like, ah, this dick sucks. Ah, you slept with her. Yeah. And then he comes back up after she leaves

and you're like, where the fuck are you at? Yeah, yeah. For real. This is a problem, man. She's a bad security dog. Like, I just got robbed. Now you're gonna get up and bark?

Yeah. Sleeping the whole fucking night? Stankin' bitch. He already left with her money, dickhead. Afraid of strangers. Yeah. You say y'all was just us. High school when this happened. Right around that time? Yeah, dickhead. He's afraid of strangers. You say y'all was in high school when this happened.

Right around that time? Yeah, sophomore year. Hell yeah. 95. Hell yeah. Yeah. But I'll never forget. I still get texts from my one buddy, Hef.

Just like, remember that guy going around beating everybody off? What'd you graduate in, 98? Yeah. Yeah, I graduated in 99. Let's go, baby. Hell yeah. You're 43? Going on 44? You're 44 you graduate in 98? Yeah. Yeah, I graduated in 99. Let's go, baby. Hell yeah. You're 43 going on 44? You're 44.

I'm 43. Yeah. I'll be 44 in April. Hell yeah. Damn. Yeah, black don't crack. It doesn't. I had to cut that beard, man.

That shit was getting out of hand. Because it's gray? That shit was getting crazy. Is that what you're trying to tell me? I should shave? No, I mean, you do your thing. Just say it. Yeah, I got the gray in my beard.

Hey, you look great, Tom. Thanks, man. I got the gray coming in big time. Fuck you, big time. You got three or four. No, well, maybe on that. That's how I used to count my pubes when I was in fucking grade school. Remember searching for pubes?

Oh, dude, yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be bald as shit. Yeah, yeah. Then you get one. Whoa. And you'd be like, ah! You'd protect that at all costs. Dude, I'm like, yeah, 100%.

I wouldn't even show progressively. All your friends would be like, do you have pubes? You'd be like, yeah. And they'd be like, show us. You'd be like, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I'm like, gay, dude. Yeah, you're gay as hell. And then the moment you got some, you were like, yeah!

Yeah! I just got a pube! Peace to you! What a virgin! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God, you don't have pubes? You fucking loser. Meanwhile, it's three years later. I told you I had them.

Damn, boy. That's an international thing, that man. Oh, dude. 100%. When that first hair comes in, it literally is at the end of the dry season when that little creek starts to flow. The rains on the corn. It's coming. It's just like a beer end of the dry season when that little creek starts to flow. The rains on the corn. It's coming.

It's coming. It's just like a beard. Just like a beard. I got the sideburns first. The drought is over. I came in from the burns. Yeah. It all started here.

Yeah. I think I'm graying the same way that my beard came in originally. I had it. It's genetic and also stress related. Look, you're fine. With how much stress I've seen you put yourself under and dealing with you for just the last five years, you would be a fucking silver fox by now. Yeah, I think it's genetic.

Your genes are holding on. Yeah, yeah. Because my brother had the exact same thing come out. Yeah. See this raccoon? Yeah. This black raccoon thing? Yeah.

My brother Steve has it. It's identical. It's all genetics. What is gray hair, and why does it happen? Sometimes it's just the color. Yeah. Sometimes it's like some people are born with it, or they get it so early. Yeah.

They're fucking dudes in their 20s getting it. I got a buddy of mine who got gray hair in high school. Yeah, same. He was like a full gray hair. Yeah. He had black hair and he school. Yeah, same. He was like a full gray hair. Yeah. Like he had black hair. Yeah, I knew a black dude. Black dude.

Black dude, gray hair, high school? Yeah, high school. He was probably fucking 65. Yeah. Undercover? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He failed 40 times. It's like that Drew Barrymore movie.

You never know. Yeah. Black people, you know, I know a black dude now that's like 58. Yeah. And like, you'd be like, damn. He looks good? 35?

22. No. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, yeah. Every day he's got to go into the police office and they're like, dude, it's over. Yeah. I got to take you off this detail.

He's like, give me one more. I'm still here. They still believe me. Yeah, for real. Give me one more shot. This is all I have. Yeah. For real. I me one more shot. This is all I have. Yeah. For real.

I want your badge and your gun. He gets fired and ages 30 years in one night. Just fucking do crap. Damn, I'm pretty fucking high. I gotta quit getting high, man, sometimes. You ever feel like you're not getting some shit done because there's something holding you back? Yeah.

Every fucking day. But is it like something that you can prevent from happening yes yeah yeah too much drinking too drinking too much drinking late but now i have a reason to get up i got a i got a puppy oh what kind of puppy half pit half terrier nice cute as a butt she is the sweetest fucking thing she is only 12 weeks 11 or 12 weeks she's already almost fully potty trained she scratches the door when she has to go boomsies nice she fucking she sits she's the most sweet and loving like all she wants is kisses she's smart as hell. She's chasing. I got to work on bringing the ball back and I got to work on the leash work. But she's two to three months.

That doesn't happen at four to six. Yeah, that's pretty cool. It's crazy. It's also changed my life. I drink a lot less. I get up at like seven or eight to walk her. And if I go back for a nap, it's for like 20 to 45 minutes. Yeah.

So now I'm tired at like 12 o'clock. Outside of the weekend shows, I'm like, I'm conked by fucking midnight. Yeah, it's great. That used to be 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. A month ago. It's a dramatic shift. In New York? No, here.

We just moved three months ago. But like, I was up 4 or 5 o'clock after that tour. I have such a hard time training an animal. I don't think so. I think you're great with dogs. I'm great with dogs. But I, it's also like, if I had a dog, I wouldn't be able to keep it in line. I think I want to see what they're up to.

I think he, I think you would. You know, it happens with the cat. A cat will jump up on the counters and say, do you be like, get the fuck off. And I'm like, Oh, what's he doing? Well, yeah. Well, cats are looking at different. I think you'd be really, I think a dog would be great for you. I'd love a dog.

Yeah, dogs are fantastic. You've never had a dog? What? You've never had a dog? I had dogs growing up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they weren't yours. They were your family's.

Yeah, yeah. Cats kind of do their own thing. You don't got to really... You just put a litter box out. They figure that out real fast. Yeah. And they just kind of do their own... Yeah, they just exist. You just put a litter box out. They figure that out real fast. And they just do their own.

Which is nice sometimes. It's nice having a dog get up. We got to walk. That's wonderful. It's good for you too though. A hundred percent. You get out of bed, you walk around the neighborhood. You're doing stuff.

We're lucky for this industry. Where we're at in this industry where I can stay home and she's home a lot we're like you can you can take care of a puppy from zero to three months yeah and really train it to be a good dog yeah because a lot of people buy puppies going i want the love but they don't put the work in yeah just like children do are you training a dog or do you have a professional person? No, no, no. I train the dog. I trained a dog before and I know enough. Oh, that's a great effort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm the aggressive parent when she's doing something fucked up. Like I will scold her and then she like sulks for a while. But you know she's wrong and then she doesn't do it again. Yeah, yeah. And she's the loving giver, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good cop, bad cop. Yeah, good cop. You got to have do it again. Yeah, yeah. And she's the loving giver, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good cop, bad cop. Yeah, good cop.

You got to have a bad cop. Yeah. Or else that's going to be a bad fucking dog chewing kids' faces off. She's got a little pit in her. Yeah, you got to watch the kids' faces. Yeah. Well, she's nipping now, too,

and I'll smack her snout a little bit because they bite everything. They're teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a fucking baby. Yeah. It looks pretty cool. That's the tough part is I like getting nibbled on.

Me too, a little bit, but not the face. My girl has a scratch right here because her nails are... Yeah, yeah. And she's just like excitingly, you know, exciting puppy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excited puppy. She doesn't fucking know. She doesn't know she can hurt anybody.

Yeah. And her feet are too big for her fucking body. Oh, yeah. She's still dumb as shit. Yeah. But smart for her age. You say she's like three months? Yeah, three months. Yeah. Yeah, fucking body. Oh, yeah. She's still dumb as shit. Yeah. But smart for her age. I'm lucky. You say she's like three months?

Yeah, three months. Yeah. Yeah, 11, 12 weeks, man. Yeah, yeah. She's perfect. Do you have a dog? She's perfect. Nah, I always take my hat off to people with dogs just because the time it takes to put

it into like, you know, you got to want it. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. But to your point, I'm saying like like I said this on the last podcast with Derek where like I always wanted a dog in the past like 5-10 years it didn't make sense

and then we were on the road a lot and then I got my girl and once I secured that pup I was like alright well she'll be there if we're not you know 100% and she could take care of the dog And once I secured that pup, I was like, all right, well, she'll be there if we're not. Yeah. You know? You need something to come home to. A hundred percent.

And she could take care of the dog. And then she really wanted a dog. And I was like, all right, the timing was perfect. And now, like, it does activate something in you. It changes your timeline and your hours throughout the day. Like, you're going to get some, yeah. Dude, my activity of, like, being focused and writing stuff is so much better because I have to watch her in a room.

So I'm not just going to watch fucking intervention for 12 hours. Now I got to write stuff. I got to work on stuff. And then she'll just bark at me when she wants to play. I want to play with her for a while. She sleeps for two hours. And then she's got to shit. I take her outside.

Like you're just, you're motivated. You're focused. It puts you on a schedule. Yeah. And I need something. hours yeah and she's got a shit i take her outside like you're just you're motivated focus your focus you're on a schedule yeah and i i need something i need a baby or a dog yeah yeah schedule dogs better a dog's better for now yeah yeah they they're not as expensive as key 100 yeah still i dropped a fucking shitload on a a dog? Yeah, the first month, it's like two grand. Yeah, yeah. And this is adopted. We adopted.

I didn't pay for the dog. Right, right. But you still get a bed. You get food. Yeah, I'm getting organic shit. She's getting human grade food. I got seven bags of treats. Now I'm going on the checkout lanes.

And if I see dog toys, I'm like, I gotta get something for my baby. Of course. The bitch is spoiled as hell. Damn. She's fucking spoiled. If I got the money, she's got the kids. Dog's cute as hell, man. I had a dog one time right before I moved up here.

And I went to jail. So I had to call my homegirl. Let's talk about this. I'm so sorry for talking about this dumb shit. Get to the goods. I mean, I went to jail. For what? I had a warrant for a DUI.

Oh, that's it? But I was on probation. You know what I'm saying? What was the probation for? Also a DUI. No, no, I beat the DUI. Okay. So I beat that. I beat the DUI.

Okay. So I beat that. I took that to trial. But the crazy part was my homegirl, Sap, I had to call her, and I was like, hey, come get this dog out of my house, and, you know, like get a dog away or something. But I had the dog for like nine months, and I was like, damn. I love this stupid motherfucker.

Damn, dude. And I tried to, you know, I'm like, hey, come here. And the dog, I didn't know how to train the dog, but I loved it. Yeah, yeah. It was like, if you get somebody like a real Chinese person from China, you know what I mean? They don't know shit about America. Yeah.

So it's just like, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. And you get that Chinese person And then you bring her And put her in the hood Yeah You don't know what y'all saying But you know that y'all love each other Yeah You see each other's eyes

And you're like You know Like this is love You care for me Yeah Sometimes Sometimes the Chinese person Shits on the rug

Yeah And you're like It's okay Yeah Hey don't shit on her Yeah You get it I know

You get it You know You know I'm behind wild enough. Yeah. You get it. I know. You get it. You know what I mean? You know, I'm behind. You figure it out. Just watch what I did. Yeah. And sometimes you got to smack that Chinese lady on the top of the fucking snout. No, she gets nippy.

With paper. If she starts biting a little too hard. I love the shit out of that damn Chinese lady. That was a good dog, man. It was cool. Was it a pit? Yeah, it was a pit. Yeah. I think it was a man. It was cool. Was it a pit? Yeah, it was a pit. Yeah.

I think it was a pit. Is it a such thing as a pit terrier? That's what I have. Okay, that's what it was. Yeah. You want to see her? Oh, yeah. It's probably cute as hell.

It's black and white. I think it looks like you. She's black and white? I think it looks exactly like you. Chris did say this, and it kind of does. Look at her. Yeah, that's a cute-ass dog. How sweet. That dog cute as hell. She's a cute-ass dog. How sweet.

That dog cute as hell. I wish I had the time. If I had the time. I know. I get what you're saying. It'd make you go harder. Because it's like, if you're sitting around, you're like, fuck that. Let me just, I'm going to be here with the dog.

Let me get some of this done. Some of these goals. And on those nights where you, like, would stay out too late, you kind of got to get home. Got to get home. It's like it does help. Let me tell you something. There's benefits to all of it. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry I can't make your bar mitzvah. My puppy's sick. Now I got an out for everything. Yeah. Puppy's sick. Puppy's sick. You can't say, like, hey, man, fuck that puppy. You know what I mean?

Yeah. You're an asshole. Yeah, you're an asshole. And if you do, we'll never talk again. Never. Yeah, people will hit you with that It's a fucking dog Yeah it's a dog

Oh is it? That's my baby Yeah Is it just a fucking dog? You think you have this You think you're a scumbag? You think you're gonna have to Lose it on somebody soon?

Yeah well yeah No No I'm hoping not No I just wanna I wanna Yeah yeah

I wanna use Just Tom gets pissed off At one person All of a sudden Comes home to the dog He's like Alright new training regimen. Hit the pull-up bar.

Changing up the toys a little bit. He just gets one of those like Taibo bodies. The dog bite its neck. Learn how to do jiu-jitsu. Just working the door at the mothership, dude. It's got fucking cauliflower ears. Dude, I've met two strangers in public in Austin so far. One dude came out to me at the gym.

I said this before, and he was like, yo, what's up, man? I thought he just recognized me. And he was like, I work at the mothership. And I look at his ears. I'm like, of course you do. Yeah. You got fucking cauliflower ears. You're a fighter.

You're a beast. And then I was at the pool around the corner that we go to. Some dude was... I saw his ears first. He was like arm's length away, right? By himself. Just zen. And the pool was mayhem. I think it was July 4th weekend.

And this dude just is looking like this. He goes against the wall and slowly goes under the water and stays there for like five minutes dude close yeah damn to the point where i had to stop conversation with my girl like yo and watch him yeah he's going for the record the record of death i was like i don't know i couldn't read his emotions before he went under there i don't know if like i'm going to kill myself on 4th of July in front of 100 fat Mexicans.

You know, I didn't know if this was his exit plan. That's a hell of a way to go at it. And he came back up and eventually was like, yo, I know you. I work at the mothership.

And I was like, of course you do. Everybody's an MMA fighter that works here. Show me that Wim Hof thing you were doing. Yeah, for real. Them boys don't fuck around.

They do that shit like nine days a week. Yeah, yeah. I've done it. fuck around. They do that shit like nine days a week. I've done it a little bit with them. MMA? Yeah, it's crazy. I mean, I don't know anything about MMA, but I've rolled around with them. It's crazy. They're all sweet as hell. They're the best.

They are the best. They're like great coaches and stuff, but boy, how do you find out where you stack up pretty quick. Isn't it nice to get fucking punched down like that? It is. It is. To get a full sense of, I ain't shit.

My street fighting capabilities in the 90s that I thought I was good at anything, you will get fucking worked. I was mean in the 90s. Yeah, I bet. That was the last of my fighting years. I've been fighting after that. Say, yeah, what for? I'm gonna call the police. I was mean in the 90s. Yeah, I bet. That was the last of my fighting years. I've been fighting after that. Say, yeah, what for? I'm going to call the police.

I'll pay the fucking price. And then they pick you up and go, you got an outstanding warrant for your seventh DUI. Man. What was the first probation? I beat my DUI. Yeah, I know. That's crazy. I beat it with a public defender, too.

How? I just shut up. And let him do the talking. Yeah, let him. What do you got? Oh, you got nothing. Yeah. Did the thing...

Something like nothing to me? Yeah, I didn't blow or nothing. I didn't blow. Oh, all right. There you go. Yeah. Did you do a walk test or they just assumed? Oh, I didn't do none of that.

Were you high or actually drunk? Say less. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Say less. Yeah, Senator, I do not recall. My bad. My bad. Yeah.

Them DUIs for real though, man. They'll get you for weed. They made me take a class for like four hours. It was every time I went, it was for four hours, like a drug, alcohol awareness. Yeah. This was before we got to a verdict or anything. I just took the class. But one of the people in there was in there for weed.

They let these motherfuckers pull them over, and they asked them, hey, you been smoking weed? And she was like, yeah, I've been smoking a little bit. They locked their ass up for DUI with weed. Oh, fuck. I'm like, you got to be the stupidest motherfucker in the world. Yeah, yeah. Deny, deny, deny, deny, deny.

Yeah, say nothing. Yeah. Yeah, like, what, are you for real? Yeah. Even if you're obviously drunk. I had never understood that. The people would be like, I had a beer back at the thing. It's like, no, just go.

Then they have to do something. Yeah, yeah, just say, no, I didn't. No. And then they go, well, it smells like booze. And you go. Yeah, my dad was in the car. Yeah, it must be your upper lip yeah then they let you go yeah every time yeah they also don't want the fucking paperwork for the most part yeah unless they're cunts yes there's always that one cops like i'm gonna make something of this yeah i'm gonna make

a problem for you and me just don't get a dui at the end of the month just don't hit anything there's no cops around here. There's no cops in Austin. Dude, I got pulled over on a scooter. What? Yeah, I ran a red light on a scooter. Are you fucking serious? No joke pulled me over.

It was insane. The shit you refuse to tell me is... I would have called you while the cop was talking to me. That's the best part, right? They were like, hey, man, you got to obey traffic laws. Shut the fuck up. It wasn't even like downtown. It was kind of like up this way. It was like fucking, there was nobody on the road.

Dude, yesterday, we were taking my dog to get a shot, and we took a right on this shady street. This guy was like making, his bumper got his bumpers all fucked up, his headlights out. And these two characters, I'm going to call them characters, like a fucking 1950s dad. These two characters were up to no good. I could tell they were up to no good.

And as I'm driving, I look in my rear view, and you see them like do a circle. And they're behind me me but they're not moving too fast i keep going i keep an eye on them like that's shady seems like now they're with me yeah and then i passed a pod of homeless people off off the road in this like little open brush area it's like 10 or 15 yeah homeless people just chilling yeah and they're not like they're not playing the banjo and fucking hacky sack. Yeah, hacky sack.

Yeah, they're fucking, they're all like sharing shit, right? So then I go, oh, he's making the zip down, taking a U-turn. I bet, and I said this, I was like, I bet he stops at that fucking cove and just chills. Sure enough, he stops. It's one long fucking road. Yeah.

Stops right in front of him. The deal. And I'm like, this guy's open dealing. There's no... I haven't seen a cop outside of an accident or something on a major highway. Yeah, yeah. There's no cops.

They walk around 6th Street and just... Yeah, they have to. If you go down 35, right, then you turn on 6th Street. Yeah. As soon as you turn, that first little corner, that dark-looking area. Yeah. Man, when I first moved here, they sold drugs on that corner 24 hours a day.

Yeah. And the police knew they was selling drugs. Yeah, yeah. They never left. Yeah. They see people, ah. Just walking up, dealing. Fucking on. It was crazy was crazy yeah it is crazy but you know they were they were uh demonetized the austin police yeah really yeah they demonetized no shit they

got hit that's what they did in philly and the philly philly cops like all right fuck you yeah yeah enjoy kensington yeah yeah enjoy the fucking day the dead that's what it feels like when I take mushrooms what Kensington? part of my brain just goes alright that's some crazy shit you run the show you ass fish you cut the lawn

you defunded the police in my brain yeah I feel you Jolly you got anything to plug baby um shit uh I got a whole bunch of shows coming up

uh you can go to unclejolly.com uh we got a Killers That Kill Tony tour uh

and every every first and third Wednesday here at the Vulcan Gas Company if y'all want to I think I told y'all about it uh yeah I got the

Who's Stopping By show. That'd be fucking awesome. Everybody be dropping through that. Every first and third Wednesday of the month, Vulcan Gas Company. And go to UncleJolly.com. I'll be in the city near you. You better fucking believe it.

Thank you, bro. Appreciate y'all. This shit was fun, isn't it?