Stuff Island - Bathroom Karaoke - Josh Francis - Stuff Island #223

Episode Date: February 26, 2026

The boys talk about the olympics, mexico and Punch the Monkey on this episode. Tommy and Chris are joined by Josh Francis from Friendly Fire Podcast Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Go to http://nicnac.com/STUFFISLAND and use code STUFFISLAND for 20% off, or use the store locator to find Nic Nacs near you. Nic Nacs—all the flavor, all the freedom, none of the circus. • Warning: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at https://www.Mengotomars.com Sign up and get 10% off at https://www.BetterHelp.com/STUFFISLAND - take your first steps for mental health! Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code STUFFISLAND. That’s promo code STUFFISLAND. Visit https://www.BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What are you doing? I don't know if you guys want me on the page. I never know if I'm supposed to go. He gave you an earbud. Yeah. Well, I just like to listen to it. That's not true, you fucking liar. A lot of times you just sit over there.

Pretending you're editing. You don't listen. Yeah. That's how much you like the podcast. You're like, I'll just sit over here. Yeah. He's on the couch half the time. He's in a different thing.

fucking rule. That's why we get a clip of us talking about a goldfish bowl. It's missing all the jokes. Goldfish bowl's good stuff, though. Yeah, it is good stuff. We got a lot of good stuff to talk about. Number one, USA hockey boys. Yeah.

I know we're way behind the ball here by the time this gets released in a couple days, but good Lord. Yeah, USA. USA. It was... USA. USA. I was telling Josh, I got shifted from the couch at 7.15 in the morning because I had a late set at the mothership.

And I usually don't open my phone because I get all anxious of like seeing emails and things I have to respond to. Yeah, yeah. I opened Instagram, forgot that the game was starting that early. Boston with the boys had like a clip going, damn, that was fast. And I was like, well, I got to get my socks on, watch this game my underwear and get fucked up for the next. three and a half hours. Speard the fuck out of my dog. It was one.

I was on it. Dude, we needed it so bad. It was so great, dude. Everybody, everybody needed it. Everybody, Josh didn't even watch it. He didn't give a fuck. No, he didn't watch it. No, I didn't.

Yeah. I didn't know what was happening. You're from like the land of hockey, too. I know. You needed it more than anybody after Friday night. Yeah, true, true. You need it. Unreal.

Pick me up. Dude, that boldie goal was so sick. And I feel like it's, it's not getting enough because obviously Jack Hughes. Yeah. Legends and Hellebuck playing so crazy. But yeah. Fucking good Lord. That goal, that was like a little league like a little league hockey goal.

Just like flipping it. You flipping it past two of the best defensemen in the world. Yeah. And then just slipping at home. Do you ever, you ever see that, you know, the orpheus?

The Orpheus, Orpheus? What's it? Orpheus pitch. Orpheus? Yeah. And I believe that's what it's called. Orpheus.

It's the slow pitch in baseball when they run on a fucking, the bullpen. And it's like the 15th inning. And there's no pitchers left. Oh, yeah. And they just call like this. These guys can't fucking hate it.

It's very rare. I feel like when you slow the game down a bit, puts him to sleep. You saw him a knuckle ball and they're just like, what? It just goes over the shoulder. It's got to be nuts to go from 100 miles an hour to just like a batting practice pitch. Yeah, exactly. It's like, I can't hit this.

Yeah. My feet are out of position. My eyes were up in the fucking rafters. It is, it is truly like, if you could somehow occupy that headspace of just like being a pit, I mean, I guess it is the idea of the knuckle ball where it's just like, I don't even know where I'm throwing it. Yeah, right. So you can't possibly know. Yeah.

Nobody knows where this is going. Like, every one of those, they showed. Every one of those outfielders on the mound is just like, just get over the plate. They showed a, like, it wasn't even a montage. It was they, Paul Keynes,

the pitcher. Yeah. Legend, legendary pitcher. What's he in Pittsburgh? Pirates. Legendary. He's pitched for like four years. It's like absolute legend in the game.

Dude. I mean, he is. Brother, he's got a hall of fame numbers already. He's only. He's a baby. This dude is unfucking believable. I know.

He's on the equivalent of like a rookie contract which is he's still with the pisser of pirates. That's... Yeah. This dude's got streets named after him already.

He hasn't done that much, but he's, he's unbelievable talent. No, he's incredible. They show his release point in this, in four consecutive pitches of his body

from the back. And it's the same exact motion, the same exact arm speed. Yeah. And then you see the ball from here and it splits in four different directions from like your batterer's perspective so it'll be like a backdoor slider

a curve a fastball outside and then a dip and it's like as a batter if you're throwing the same speed with the ball release at the same exact spot if you see a couple you're like oh it's going to come in it's going to drift here it's like no no no you have no it's like a it's like a knuckle ball throwing fucking 95 to 100 miles an hour

every balls is knuckling. It's the hardest thing to do with sports. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. Like, with that talent. Just,

just hit a baseball. All right, let's get in the fucking, the carcels. I wouldn't be able, I wouldn't be able to do it. It would drive me absolutely nuts,

dude. I'd be one of those guys, guys that, like, goes on a, like, 60, 70 at bat slump. Like, if I was ever in the pros,

yeah. Like, I would, I would be like, I would be good. Get out. But they'd be like, we've never really seen anything like this.

150 consecutive at-bats hasn't even made contact. But when he's on, he's on, he's on. Yeah, there's drops of brilliance in there. Look, Connor, usually hits 30 home runs a year every five years. Dude, sucks dick for the next year. I mean, it is unbelievably difficult.

But yeah. So sorry for starting to Patreon with some sports. I'm also not sorry. It was fucking wonderful. It's incredible the moment for USA hockey. I'm not even a hockey guy. Hockey is number four on my list of all my sports. And that's because the flyers have let us down.

Some things are bigger than sports, you know? Dude, 100%. When they got those babies out of the fucking crowd, waterworks. Waterworks. Oh, my God. My eyes took a piss, dude. It was darn white. And you could see, I know someone said this,

but you could see like the comfortability of these girls jumping in the, these hockey guys arms like they they already have a relationship. You don't take a two-year-old out of her mom's arms and then sly around the eyes. It's scary as fuck unless you're with somebody you trust and love.

True. A true uncle. That's a true uncle. True. It's so funny that even watching after watching that whole game when a mom handed her kid off to Kachuk, I was like,

he must be really good to skating. Just not thinking twice. Yeah, just be like, damn, he must be a really good skater. Oh, my God, dude. Imagine dropping the kid after everybody's just waiting for guys. Guys won two cups in a gold medal. He's just tired from having so much fun. Splat.

Just crack in the back skull of a two-year-old blood splattering all over the ice. They're just trying to get one fucking gold medal pick. No, I wouldn't. Certainly would want that for the. Goddrault family. Well, it's kind of what happened at the end when they started celebrating with the Trump's call. The whole, like... This is, this is funny.

This is the first time we've been talking about sports and I've been able to watch someone be bored about it. Yeah. This one? I didn't, I just didn't want... I mean, I've been watching the highlights. I just didn't watch it live. Dude. It was like, I didn't know what was going on.

I missed it. We haven't once since 1980. I know. And 1980 has like 20 documentaries, a movie, two movies. it's like the Miracle on Ice is like we weren't we didn't used to do this shit where we put our pros in there it was all college kids Miracle on Ice is the greatest

story of all time though that's like this is great this is great I don't know make way make way for a new one Jack I Jack Hughes getting his teeth just destroyed he's got the vampire teeth now I didn't know he was coming back munching on the what's her face's box he's tearing that fucking thing up yeah

McCray she better head yeah oh the singer yeah Yeah. Nice. We met her. She's a Jack. She's a Jack.

She's a fan. Yeah, but that's like no world sex for at least a couple months. You got to set up to dentistry first. That thing's going to slice and dice. You know what I mean? You're making. You're making it. Get out of jail free card, to be honest.

True. I don't have to go down there. It's like, babe, it's all raw in there. Oh, my God. This is a great idea. Why don't we smash each other's teeth every couple months? Just say we played hockey because it's why we played hockey because it's why have fake dentures.

Meanwhile, it's just not to eat pussy. Damn, dude. Could you imagine losing that game after losing all your teeth? No. Way different vibe. Yeah, it's like going home with face pain on your, you know, having to give the interviews with just fucking, yeah. Just an old cemetery in the middle of your mouth.

Yeah. It's like that loser in fucking Oakland that used to dress up for the Raiders games. And he'd wear like that warlord suit. Painting. face. They won like two games all fucking season. This guy would be traveling home. Like, fuck.

Ruining his tub. I always, I always wondered. It's like, how can he afford those tickets? You know what I mean? What is that guy? Is the CEO or something?

No, I think guys like that, I think they did this with that, that fucking waterhead in Philly. That, the same thing with the Jets guy. They like sponsor the guy. Yeah.

They eventually go, we'll take care of your tickets because you're half of our promotions every goddamn game. to do the fireman with the Jets hard hat. That's like the old school. That's like original content creator vibes. You're just like, look.

Yeah. We're buying front row seats for like eight games. We've got to really put something together. Yeah. Hopefully they just buy us out the rest of the way. Like that Jets guy. Yeah. But the other side of the corner is like the Jets have sucked so bad that the, you know,

front couple rows season tickets. It sucks so bad that he quit. I think that might be the first time ever that a guy's, he was like, I can't watch this. Yeah. I don't care if it's free. Yeah. I don't care if I'm responsible for the whole morale of the city.

Yeah. I can't deal with this anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I lost my wife and kids trying to care about this. Getting in a costume every Sunday to get blown out by the Browns. This is hell on Earth, dude. It'd be like if Bevo, if.

Bivo just laid down. Refused to get on the field. Speaking of hell on earth, dude, the cartel shit is fun as fuck. It's crazy. Yeah. It's fun. They just blew up to fucking Costco. They're going, yeah, dude.

They're, you know, mass. I just saw, I just saw something about it. A picture of just a bunch of cars that were melted. Oh, yeah. They're burning the whole city. Yeah. Well, it's like that was a nice vacation destination.

It is for guys that are pink, Like us. Yeah. We were just looking, dude, we were just looking at the Travelosti's website. And it was like, book your flight to Cancun today. Yeah. You're going to read the room. You're going to enjoy Iraq.

Deep discounts. Deep discounts. Provo code Fallujah. Deep discounts. Yeah. It's never been a better time to go to Vallerta. It's like Cancun levels of like, you know, white pilgrimage. Well, if you go down there, you got to go cartel versus cartel.

That's why you hit the sandals. Oh, I like this. They don't fuck with the sandals, dude. They shouldn't fuck with any of it. The tourism money, they bring into these places. Whoever the owner of the sanders is. It's probably on the Epstein list. I mean, that guy is scary, dude.

It's like Cuba. My eyes are sensitive right now. It's like Cuba. You don't fuck around with the whites, dude, because the whites bring in all the tourism money. So the government and the cartels, they know, do not touch these resorts. This is like, this is our, this is,

this is our stand. Like you can't rob and pillage and kill people that are from American descent. But you grew up at Costco and Porta Vireta, dude. You're breaking the supply lines, dude. That's a... Purposeful, malicious move.

Yeah, yeah. You're not hitting the resort, but you're like, they're going to starve. Yeah. Yeah, how are my three kids going to get fucking Danish and fucking, you know? Yeah. French toastics.

They're laying siege to the fat Americans, dude. Yeah. You can't drink the water. They're waiting them out. They're waiting them out for the winter. They are. Dude, you blow up all the fucking spring barter. Everybody's got Mata Zuma's revenge.

They're shitting all over the beaches. Totally. It's just fucking man. The unit price on chips of Hoy is going through the roof. Oh, my God. Yeah, the economy. You know, there's a couple locals buying out the whole lot and then raising the price. Like 10 point.

No Kirkland products will ever see. Yeah. It was like that swarms, that swarmy Jew that started selling his own AIDS medication. Yeah. Sorry, we just turned in the fucking war mode. These classes change me, dude. What's his name? Martin, what's his name?

Martin's something. Yeah. Oh, Screlly. Yeah. Do you think there's what the cartels doing? Was that their only hit or are they doing, did they, did anyone take credit for it? The government took out the, their head guy, El Mancho or Mancho or whatever fuck his name is. El Mancho. And then.

El Mancho. Cartel was like, Rancho cucamongo. Yeah. I ordered that I talked about last night, dude. It's fucking good. It's got a kick in the back. El Manjo is so funny, dude. El Manchao.

I'm not that far off. It's like El Manchigo. El Macheo. Look at Ma'am. La Chupacabra. Well, just like the government says, hey, you don't touch Puerto Vireira. You don't touch these resorts for the whites. It's the same way the government goes or the cartels says to the government, you don't kill the top people or else we're going to

make this life is going to be a living hell for everybody. They control the cities. Yeah. So they just burnt buses to stop roads so no one can get out. And then they just burn everything else. They're going to, well, fuck you. It is true. It's like, it's a Saddam Hussein situation with these cartels.

It's like, I know I suck, but dude, you kill me. Everyone's going to be fighting for power. It's Sicario. Yeah. Yeah. car is. It's like, do you know how much time I had to spend killing people and dismembering people and hanging them from highways that you drive under it?

Yeah, yeah. To get to get some peace. Right. Some peace. To get a little peace and quiet. Yeah. You know, me sticks I broke off women's heads to get to this level. Yeah.

I mean, locking keys. The things I've seen. Yeah. You want to start over? But it's fun from the, you know, it's a sport. from a distance Yeah it's fun to watch this stuff You know

As long as nobody gets hurt Are there people like melting to their I'm sure There's not gonna report it Yeah They're not gonna report to locals Not gonna count the fucking heads I saw a whole bus that was like melted

I assume not everyone made it out of that Yeah I'm sure that wasn't like off duty bus Yeah There's gotta be a couple kids Running back in for their house keys And you're like don't do that my fruit roll-ups in there

don't trust me you're gonna be a fucking piece of seat yeah but yeah that's why we balance it with sports we got a sleepy Josh today we got a sleepy Josh well he just took a flight he took a fucking 3 am. flight from Indianapolis oh fuck yeah

the kids off and then I had to drop him off at HV to pick up some of his his workout coke and he slammed dry powder slammed a cup of that and it's only brought him back to like the surface level. Dude, is that what's going on? Are you so amp that you're trying to double it down right now?

No, no. Are you trying to like... No, he was so depleted that it just brought him back to normal. Yeah, I was at base level and now I'm... Did you hit some cocktails on the flight back? No, he didn't drink the whole time in a weekend in Indianapolis, Indiana. Yeah. Can you imagine? Rawled dog in Indianapolis, let alone the flights?

I mean, it's pretty wild. Dude. It's pretty wild, but I've been there. I've been there. It's unbelievable. It was. These are the locations where you go, you can have a drink. I know you haven't had a drink in 10 years.

You've earned one. You got five shows in Indianapolis. Yeah. Go to an applebees. Get yourself a margarita. Take a nap. Everything's going to be okay. No, but no, but you can't.

You know, it's Indianapolis, dude. It's fucking quicksand. You can't just go, I'll have one or two drinks. You're going to. Yeah. It's a slippery slope. Yeah. Have you ever seen no country for old man?

Then you're at Dick's last resort. Yeah. Yeah, you got a bag on your head. Next thing you know, you got a bag on here. Yeah, I made Indianapolis worse. Some local walrus is pregnant. Yeah. Like, Jesus Christ. I got to start a landscape and fat.

Landscape and coming to feed this fed fuck. Bitch loves a monster sticks. Dude. So funny to get so. fucked up and then just go to Dix or last it's actually not a bad idea. Well in that downtown, in downtown there's not a lot of options. Yeah. Especially like you come out of that club. It's like there's a

hooters and there's Dick's last resort. Yeah. Yeah. Heaven's to bet. Well, it's the same energy as the helium comedy club there. They're all looking at you like you're a piece of shit anyway. Yeah, dude. I mean, there's no release. Yeah, they kept. Yeah. Every place that people were like, you've got to try this, this restaurant we went to.

And every time I was like, this is dog. I mean, it was dog shit. Yeah, this is coming from me, dude. I couldn't find any, like, I couldn't even find like a, like a decent burger. Yeah. And it's like, it's like the one thing you'd think Indianapolis would do right. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep it simple. Just like a fat cheeseburger. Yeah. Oh my God. This just reminded me, dude. Do you remember when you found that fucking, was it a steak place or a barbecue place? we were driving from Indianapolis to St. Louis. Oh, yes.

Tommy. Dude, the farmhouse. The farmhouse. Tommy. First of all, Tommy, when you're on the road with Tommy, refuses to stop at just a rest stop. No, no, no. I have to, I look through ratings.

I look through on our route. I'll say, I'll ask Chris where we, which I do. How long we take in 95? How long we taking 35? How long we doing this? I look for the major cross sections. So I'll scroll up a few miles.

See where the main. the main roads crisscross, applesauce. And I look up, that's where usually it's peppered with gas stations, fast food restaurants, but along the path, just beyond that, you can find on the offshoots, a nice restaurant where all the locals go to. Oh, that's not bad. It actually fucking rules. Normally it would piss me off, but when you got a guy who's willing to do the work,

yeah. Let him cook, dude. Because Tommy finds some gems. Dude, it was unreal. was like a beautiful, it was like an old restored barn on like a river bend. Yeah, it was behind a restoration place for wood.

It was like they sold. Oh yeah, the booze block. Yeah. The booze block place. It was booze blocks like one like mainstay. And then there was like a little antique restoration. And behind that was an old barn that was restored. And it was a high end stake place.

Oh, fuck yeah, dude. The bartender recognized this. But somehow also like a totally chill like lunch spot. Yeah. It was like one of those Midwest. places. Yeah, that's superman. What they're doing.

That steak was delicious. What they need to be on any given day. Yeah. It's like half wedding venue, half steak place, half sports bar. You're like, yeah, yeah, I don't know.

You need it. I got it. Yeah. Tarioki in the baths, yeah. Yeah. Look, went in Rome,

dude. That's a shit hole down. All right. This episode is brought to you by Marsman. Also, good morning, guys. Just getting up here in the morning. Mars men. Guys, if you're, you know, if you're getting older and you're feeling like, hey, man, you've lost a step, you know,

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therapy can help you find your way and see more clearly where you want to be look you got to talk to people man you can't you can't fucking bother your friends of this shit you know what I mean and you can't be complaining all the time you sound like a goddamn asshole

so just dump it in a safe legally protected place those places those places fucking rule they do they wear all the hats yeah yeah it was incredible That's rookie sports bar and grill in Clear Lake Iowa.

It's like the mating ground for when you're like 23 in in Mason City. You're just like, yeah, I'm going to go there. They got wings. They got the games. They do karaoke. Now, granted, those places are necessary. But when you really need a meal that resets your whole vibe after traveling to, you know, that was like, that was probably city 20 of 30 that we did that tour where it was like,

I need something decent. I'll be hungry for an extra hour to find one along the path Give me something good day The actual people that live there Which is nice Dude I

We were I did this show I don't even know Like two three years ago And I was in a place called Wetumpka Alabama And I'm driving back from Wetumpka Alabama

Fucking So I'm in the middle of like I'm in like north Florida Middle of nowhere In the Panhandle And I stop I stop because me and my buddy Matt Ross stopped to get food at a T.J.

Sorry, it's a Ruby Tuesdays. And we get in there. Decent burger. Not bad. We get into this Ruby Tuesday. Decent burger. Less I'm in the rubies. And a guy.

And a guy. I'm going to cut you off right now. Decent burgers. It's got a good burger. And dude, we go in there. It's empty. It's like 2 p.m. on like a fucking 2 p.m. on like a Sunday. Empty.

Well, it's Alabama. They're church. Yeah. Well, it's like, yes. It's a ghost town, except for this one lady who has a bowl of fruit in front of her, and they bring her out a single piece of cake for her birthday. And I was like, that's the most devastating shit. Because, like, that was her thing that she was doing.

You know what I mean? She was like, I'm going to do it. Tomorrow I'm going to do it. That's so sad. I'm going to go to the Ruby Tuesdays. I'm going to celebrate my birthday. It was unbelievable by yourself. By yourself.

Single piece of cake gets brought out with a candle. I used to feel bad for these people But damn it. When it's a woman and it's her birthday It's different than when you just see a dude Crushing a fucking meal Or watching a movie by himself You go all that poor guy

He's fucking living it Yeah That guy is having a great time True And I like to invent stories I like to invent stories that they like Fucking They know what they're doing

You know what I mean Like after this They're going to go meet up with all their friends Yeah But they're just going no No no no no no no No, no, I just like seeing the look on the Ruby Tuesday staff. Or it's before you.

It's before your sister-in-law get to the fight with you. Mary's going to ruin my fucking birthday. I'd rather get my piece of cake in now before this loud mouth bitch. It is. It's like, what is that thing? It's like, I don't know, just shame soaking or whatever. I remember hearing stories that like, uh, like, uh, like, Stephen Colbert are those guys that were trying to like, no, but they would go, they would like do a thing where they would, they would walk into the middle, like the middle of a, like crosswalk and act like they didn't know what they were doing and like couldn't figure out how to get out of it and just sit in everyone just like slamming on their horns and being pissed. And they would just be confused. And someone would have to like help them. And they would just sit in whatever that was. That's, that's getting yourself a piece of birthday cake.

that's like let's just let's just this is like I want to know what this feels like yeah I want to have access to these feelings yeah to have a whole bar to have Josh josh failing failing at the time driving through the panhandle going like Jesus dude that's not good Offering to pay her dad. It's so funny, we've all been that guy. The ghost of birthday's future. You're like, that's going to be me soon.

Just in the middle of an absolute suicide mission of a life choice. It's so funny, though. Making no money just pulling over and just being like, these people are fucked. They don't even know it. There's so many elements of these like, you know, the simplistic meals, right? The, just the plug-and-play fast food restaurants. When I go home to my father and my mother,

mom goes to bed early, my dad will go, hey, you want to have the applebees? And I'm like, yeah, it fucking rules. When you're just like, you know, he knows the bartenders. This is his local bar as opposed to what we grew up with. Yes. It was like actual genuine bar instead of this plastic fast food type situation. but there's like a charm to it

when you're in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing else it's like there's a comfort there I get why she wanted a slice of cake by yourself at the fucking totally you know Ruby Tuesdays if my dad

if my dad went just after my mom went to bed just went fuck it dude you want to go Ruby Tuesdays and just chop it up a little bit it'd be like it'd be like the equivalent of him being like I got tickets to the Super Bowl

a few years dude 100% I want to be like, yes, 100% yes. Dude, there's this place. I don't mean to docks my parents, who gives you shit? Get them off my hands, right? But there's this like sports bar called Giordanos. And it was like kind of like Dave and Busters for like a petri dish version of David Busters.

It's got the bubble hockey. It's got a couple of shooting games and stuff like that. It's got the sports bar. And that was like the most. live thing within a couple miles of my parents' house and he'd always be like wanna go to Giordanis? And we'd watch whatever game on some tiny dog shit television because they didn't

flat screens. It's got the big projection back and they're holding up with like iron harnesses. You know what I mean? It smells like shit. You look back on those times going that was that's what you want with your dad. Totally. Just crack some fucking it's the adult version of him being

like, you want to go play catch? Yeah. He's like you want to go to a adult catch. That's exactly what it is. Yeah. I'll drink a beer. Throw it back at me. It is crazy. Oh, man.

Dude, the sports bars back then, too, and you're just like, the TV took up fucking three-quarters of the bar. Yeah. Well, now it's the opposite. Now they can't figure it to fuck out

unless you go to like a Buffalo raw wings. Yeah. I'm literally squinted to see a fucking replay. Yeah. Can you get it up here? Oh, dude. And they're like, oh, the Eagles game. We used to do that fucking, what do you call it?

Blackbirds. They wouldn't update their televisions. Love the place. But they were like, we're playing the Patriots. Yeah. Eagles in the corner one. And you got to go like to stand and stare at this fucking, you know, it's like a bug light. You can't.

Go birds. Go birds. Go birds. Go birds. running into it. You're all licking the screen. Touching it when I shouldn't. Just getting shocked.

Like a bug light is so funny. Holy fuck, that's so good. Oh, my God. Bumping your head on the screen is so funny. Drunken bunglight, dude. I got a pee real quick. Is that all right? So funny, dude.

Yeah, dude, you want to know what happened to me? I, uh, two people, my, I talk about it on stage, but my aunt got me for Christmas a gift card to Buffalo Wildlings for $100, which is so disrespectful. Because it's such, it's an amount where she's like, this is going to be good for him. You know what I mean? Like it's going to, oh, yeah, yeah, it's a big come up. Yeah, like she thought she was hooking it up. God damn. That's a tough.

that's a tough number. It's such a brutal. It's like a... Because it is huge if you go by yourself. Oh, it's so sick. Yeah. And actually you bring a couple friends. It can turn it to just like a starter kit for real quick.

For sure. Those are the kind of nights that get away from you where it's just like... You think that $100 is going to, you're like, oh my God. We spent $700. dollars at fucking buffalo wild wings. I started getting it's so funny because it's like, this is your gift card so you have to finish the bill and you're like

ah this was my graduation present from my hand and now I'm 300 in the hole yeah dude anytime because Donnie brought Frank and Joe anytime you're getting shots delivered to you at a booth

it's not a good oh my God They're not even shots It's just it's fucking Gatorade with like one shot Of fucking pop-up Totally It's like 3%

I want to be done with shots So bad I want to be done with shots Oh dude The last time Chris Me too Yeah yeah

Yeah Now Dude it happened to be The other night I was I was by myself I dude I just because I go in the bag So fucking fast with shots

Yeah Like I can ride I can ride fucking guineasas and bud lights to the cows come home. See, I'm the opposite. The moment I take a shot, I'm like, I'm looking through my eyebrows. I'm fucking, I'm angry, I'm sleepy. I'm just a piece of shit. Yeah.

And it drives me nuts. It happened to me the other night where I was just like, I was meeting up with Clay. And I, like, I was waiting for him to get home from work. And I, like, went. So I was like, whatever. I'll just kill some time at a ball. went up running into like a bunch of kids that actually fucking ruled. But they recognized me.

And then they were like shot. And I was just like, they ordered shots. And they didn't even ask me if I wanted one. They ordered them. And it's just like. The pressure there is too tough. I can't be a bitch and not take this. If they hand it to you going, I got you.

You can't be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you throw that back. And now you're like, Clay shows up. And I'm like, yeah, you do. Yeah.

How's work, pussy? Yeah. Can you give them a. Nugie. They got the new golden teeth. Let's do Coke and play Golden Tee for seven hours. God damn.

Yeah, well, that rules. I mean, come on. Shots, when needed. They bring your tongue back to life. No, it's a good time. It was a good bonding. It set the tone.

It was a nice tone set. I think the last time I really got fucked up was like when I was like beyond like the level that I should be at was when we went to watch the, when it was like the Bears Packers game, the before the playoffs.

Yeah. Like and at my house? No, no, no, no. When we went out to the bar. Oh, Grades? Yeah. And that was like, dude, that was the worst. I was hungover.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about the week, it would have been like week 17, I think. But it was like, dude, I took like crazy game. I just kept getting, because it was that thing where you don't want to not say yeah because shots it the peer pressure with shots is unbelievable because you don't want to be the guy that's like I can't I don't want to do but you're in your head you're like I can't do another one and then they bring you another one and you go well I don't want to be the only guy not doing

one well it always happens to me too where it's like I've had 17 beers and I feel fine so I'm like I'm invincible like this is what is this is not going to do anything immediate just drag you to the cellar fucking yeah well my whole drink is spitting it's a barrel of shots yeah the mescal I just drink double meskals in the rocks so when someone goes you want a shot and I goes a whole dude

I got this is my fourth glass of shots I'll never forget I don't need to defend myself here I'm drinking nothing but shots dude you got to cool it you got a cool it fuck you dude I'll see on Wednesday

dude he got me on him and I didn't know that they were like so expensive and I remember like we were at a bar. Because I was paying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we were at a bar and the tab came out and the guy was giving top. Do you remember this? He did like, he was doing top shelf double mezcal's.

And the bill was like $780. And we were like, yo, that's crazy. We had four drinks. I'm like, this is insane. There's a place on South Congress I went to. Mar and I had to take a piss while we were shopping. And she knows what she's doing. She's very good with this where she goes, I get dad a couple pops.

I get a little spendy. I make some bad decisions. We jump into a shopper. I go, get it, baby. You look great in it. You know what I mean? I'll spend $1,000 in clothes because she knows,

feed the beast. Yeah. We went in this one place. The next day's like fucking phantom thread, dude. Oh, dude. Are you a spy? Are you an agent?

Sent here to destroy me? My night? Maybe my whole life. There's one young fucking bartender. I said Mezcal. And without me knowing, I was like, yeah, that's kind of like well or like illegal or, you know, there's a few areas where I, you're talking 10 to $15 range for a shot or a double. And then you go 20, 25 if you go to Las Perlis or something crazy like that.

This guy's shots were $80 a piece. It's crazy. So I got what I walked in there. I said, I'm going to have one double. We're going to sip one double. It's my only drink that afternoon. I'm going to have a double. Glass of water.

and I'll go buy you your fucking pants. Such a short window of time. It was my only drink that afternoon. Yeah. It was a weekend shopping extravaganty. We could have went to Longhorn steakhouse. Applebee's. We could have went anywhere.

Applebee's fucking bill. The guy comes out. He's $160. And I didn't even have to say anything. Mara Wayne fucking hand, dude. Showed her teeth going, oh, hold on. We're not these people.

You'll get your money. But like, this is fucking. You have to warn someone that you're giving a level... I agree, I agree. That's a level of liquor shot that you go, just so you know,

and there was multiple meskos. Just so you know, this is a very nice meskow. This is $80 a shot. Dude. Didn't say anything, because he's pimpled looking like fucking Josh.

He's got like a... He's got that fucking lettuce haircut. And he's like probably 21, 22 years old. This kid knows nothing about booze. and not how to treat somebody. I like my bartender's fucking grizzled, old degenerate men

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You got to say it in a way that's like, of course. Hell, you got to go, hell yeah. You guys are going big, huh? Yeah, or you, yeah. Or you just go, hey, I got a... Which we can also, that would fuck me over.

It'd be like, yes, I'm going big. No, but you say something like, hey, we got to be like, how big am I going? I'm not that big of a man. You say I've got a couple options here. Do you know?

Do you want well? Do you want above well? Do you want above that? Or do you want some high-end stuff? Do you want some real nice stuff? I got real nice stuff. He picked one? Picked one.

Out of nowhere. He went fucking top shelf. When I turned my head, because I was wearing glasses like this. It was crazy. He probably thought he could get one over on me, so I'd have to tip him 20% of that. What does cock suckers getting $32?

It's crazy to go to that show. It was his first day, and he didn't know what it costs. And he just poured it. He was like, he'd go into the register. And you're like, yeah. Yeah.

Here's why you have to be old and understanding of the, the alcohol dude it's true I swear to God I'll fucking die on this hill bartenders in South Jersey shore points are all old men

they're all old men because they understand the value of your dollar and also how to take advantage of the business itself to put money in their pockets right so if this guy was smart he'd go I'm going to give you this nice one

but I'm going to charge you for well he makes an extra 10 20% And then I go, this guy's great. And you start this rapport. First one's on me. You just had four drinks? Just to let you know, first one's on me.

That kind of shit, Austin doesn't have many of those. And when you find them, you go, dude, you're old school. You're an old soul. You understand. This is like how I was raised, VFW type shit, where you go, these guys, their whole business is taking money out of your pocket to pay their bills while the big man gets fucked a little bit because he's already fucking everybody else. It's a bouncing act.

It's a tight wire. They can do that. It's not going to be a hot fucking girl. They can do that savvy shit too where they're like, yeah. Especially if you accidentally order something that's too expensive. And they're like, oh, you like that one. See, for my money, I like that, but you know, no go. Charisma.

I get you one that tastes like that. And then you're off to spend $80 a shot. Yeah. I get nuts about this. Your whole job is personality and charisma. That's how you get paid. And you get these hot girls or dumbfired. fucking dudes that have no idea of how this business works.

New York and L.A. They're hot fucking idiots that just have a job. They don't know the business. You go to shitty towns. They're old, grizzled, ugly men that go, I know how we're both going to benefit from this. You see a bartender look over his shoulder? Like he's about to say the N-word before he delivers you a fucking shot that's more expensive

than you're paying. That's a professional. I gotta be honest, dude you're not gonna like what I'm about to say but You don't want to stuff I own anymore I quit

I can't take it I think if I'm a Texas kid And I see A Wop like you walk in And You got your Your hot girl on your arm And you got a bunch of bags with you

and you go, give me something good. I hear you. I hear this. I don't disagree with this. I'm going to give you the biggest thing I can. Here's where I'm going to... I'm a little bit terrified of... Here's where I'm going to dull your plate a little bit.

Pour you a shot and you going like, you call this fucking tequila, you fucking piece? That wasn't... That was actually not bad. That was actually pretty spot on. It was better than shame. It's not bad. But fuck you. Also, I didn't walk in a lot of bags.

And also, like, I come in like normal. You know what I mean? Yeah, I, that's what I'm talking about. You're normal. I'm not wearing these glasses. You're normal. I'm going to say what I'm talking about. Oh, look who's up.

Look who's up. That one goes, I come in normal. I got three Gucci belts. That mustache and that hair. Yeah, you might as well. You striped like a bangle tiger. Dude, I'm walking into that fucking. I get it.

It's like a fucking. A predator walking in. It's like a hooker looking at it. Let's all have a nice time. Like when a hooker ID is like a Wall Street guy at his steakhouse at lunch. Yeah, he's going to fleece him. He's going to take advantage of that fat.

But no, I'm saying, I just walk in like a regular dude. Like, hey, pal, how are you doing? You know? Already terrifying. Guys hit me with a pal right over the bar. He sends a pal. Hey, man. We're all different.

All right. We're all fucking different. Pal is brutal. I remember, I imagine every bartender's seeing you for the first time. You're walking in, giving a hey pal. And I'm just like, take it. Would you just take it easy? Take it.

You're like, what? Just calm down, guy. You come storming in here. You're like, what? What minute are we at where I'm getting roasted? 42? This fucking party sucks, dude. I was sticking up for your don't.

I'm just trying to defend that kid. a little kid working the bar. He was a little kid. He shouldn't have working the bar. It's bad business. Can't have children behind the bar. They don't understand. They don't fucking get it, dude.

He must have walked away. After he gave you a really sick shot and you got pissed at him, he probably was just like, he can't do right by these people. Yeah. That's a DEI hire, dude. It's a DEI hire. You can't have someone that's under 30 years old bartending in a popular place. They don't know shit.

I agree. They're hung over. They don't give a fuck about their. boss. They don't care about their work ethic. They're fucking the stewardess hostess, which is the stewardess of the bar. Somebody's getting fucked.

My point is, it's a very executive business decision from a bar owner to go, this is my guy, this is the head in charge. This is my pilot. Everybody else fall in line. He's going to tell you. Also, just blowing

bass past what an incredible old man story this is. this is how you run your business walking out I'm doing 100%. Dude, I agree with it. I agree with it. You got to think the Successful bars always come down to.

You got to get your fucking big man higher in that understands the power of liquor because 90% of everything we do in our business it's all alcohol sales. You guys understand this. Just watching you. Stand up comedy clubs.

Tell the 29 year old manager this. Mars already left. She's pissed. We're fighting. She's like, I'm going to take it an Uber home. I'm like, here's the thing about the business. Dude.

Should dad here? He's got to know something. Huh? Is his head up his ass? But you got the, I don't know. I'm more team. You don't know.

I'm more team. Get the hot lady. Dude, you've been sober for six weeks. You've been sober for six weeks? Yeah. Good for you.

Five farms, watch my tits, dude. Yeah. I gained, dude. Oh, it's always a, it's always a fitness thing. A holiday season was bad for me, dude. You guys introduced, you guys introducing me to Five Farms is like giving me like a fucking needle with heroin. It's not just the holidays.

You guys gave me my first hit, like a dealer who gives like a free hit to like get a book. You guys were like, you know. Five Farms. Yeah. You guys want to try Five Farms? Oh, yeah. Let's play Helllet loose. I'm like hammered in my underwear.

That 3 p.m. just drunk as fun. Oh, having the best time in the world? Yeah, it ruled. So sorry, dude. You know, it's good for, it's fun for, it's fun for. No, it's so funny to have that be the thing. She's like, dude, no, we were just having fun that one night. You can't do it.

Yeah. This can't be part of your daily routine, man. Yeah, dude. There was a time and a place for, for five farms in hell let loose. For whiskey milk. Yeah. God, I suck at that game, man. That was bad. That was one of the all-time worst.

It's not getting better. I lost my cool. I was stressed that week. I lost my cool. I got the deluxe package of that game that I'll never kill a person. No, no. You killed someone the other night. Yeah, I killed one guy.

Yeah. How many hours have we played? Probably better than I did. Games unbelievably hard. Josh with the rocket launcher. I'd never been so mad in my love. I don't even remember. It went backwards.

Oh, my God. No, you were marking the wrong window. This guy should know. I couldn't shoot into the window. You should know something. Dude. He was marking a window, so I popped up to shoot the guy that was like holding. He was like, this guy was, he basically had us funneled into this alleyway.

And we were all underneath cover, so we couldn't get seen. And then Chris did like saving private Ryan fashion, like stuck his head out. So the guy targeted him and he marked the window. And then I popped. up with the rocket to go to shoot. But where he marked wasn't a place I could shoot into. It was just an empty wall. Dude.

There was a bit, it was a house that had only one corner of it blown out that the guy was shooting from. And then instead of, instead of trying to find a better angle, Josh just ran to the house. And the guy shot him right in the fucking head. Dude, it was our only hope.

I went in a Medal of Honor moment, dude. That was crazy. And we need that guy was chewing us up. That guy was in a good spot. There's anything more boring than us telling video game stories is one that doesn't have any action in it. I don't think so. Let me tell you that time.

I ran around the corner and shot a non-windowed building. Fans are really love that. Imagine it's saving Private Ryan when they get the sniper and they're like he's, you know, it's like shoot, kill that guy. And he goes, he just shoots a random place. And he's like, well, I didn't know what? Where was he? And then the whole movie just to never get started because they all get blown up

Omaha Beach. Because he doesn't shoot the sandbags in the right place. I'm going to continue on this fucking old grizzled band shit. I thought you were my mother. Because I don't. I can't respect some young kid beat my ass online and then talking shit. get the fuck out of here. No one was talking shit.

No, we did it one time. We did it one time. We played with strangers. And these young kids started mouthing off. Well, you weren't even playing. You just took my headset and you just started making fun

of young British kids, which was admittedly hilarious. It was wonderful. It was the best time I had playing that game. British, dude. Catching a British guy on Xbox fucking is so funny. I immediately don't like him for no reason. I just go, you fucking.

No reason? Yeah, it's like in, yeah. You're gonna drop into a history podcast right now? You know, it's funny, yeah. I'm like a purebred America. It's like a purebred lab. Like, I just know to like go for pheasants. I like just know to hate British people.

Yeah. That's how American. I hear an accident. And you didn't even watch the Olympics. I mean, what are you doing? Yeah. I did, dude.

He's a fake. I didn't know that the hockey game was happening. I didn't know when it was happening. I overslept. I was my fault. They did it at a fucking weird time. What time was it at a fucking weird time? 8, 7 a.m.

It was 8.m. It was 8.m. That's so stupid. That's bad. That's a bad decision to put in it. Because they had to have their closing ceremonies. I don't know if you saw the closing ceremonies, but holy shit, dude. What a pile of crap. Yeah, of course. It was insane. What happened? I didn't watch it.

It was all people singing like opera in like wigs and shit. And it was weird fucking, you know, you know the play that, uh, like Bruce Wayne goes to and Batman Begins. You know, like the bat play. That's what it was like. If I knew that, I wouldn't say yes on camera. What do you mean? You ever see Batman begins?

You know that play that Bruce Wayne's watching Batman begins? No, Your Honor. That's what it was. I plead to pet. My gay lawyer says I shouldn't say yes to it. It was the bat play. Where Bruce was scared. Well, it's fucking Milan.

So they got to, they got to wop it up to make it like too much. They didn't fully whop it. They kind of did like a French thing. It was French. That was the problem is they didn't go full. Yeah. Wop.

You know, they didn't have like Caesar and shit. They had. people in powdered wigs, like dancing around. And then a weird lady in a bat costume singing opera. Yeah. And then another, like, scary guy, like, flying around. And it was just like, really, guys?

Yeah. You got the world's attention for an hour. What are you going to do? This? Yeah. That's why America I said, you got to bring in, like, Atlanta strippers for, like, a final dance off. Now, that would be cool if Milan did that. Yeah, just make it all

just filthy piglets. Just being like, getting crazy. Yeah. That's a halftime show. Yeah, that's a good half time show. You got to show. That's going to be the LA Summer Olympics. That's going to be, it's 2028.

Yeah. No, it'll be all perfect thing. That's what you're going to see. Lesies. Did you guys see the, um, dog walking? Do you guys see that monkey that's like famous? It's going around right now.

It's just different coffee shops. The punch the monkey. Do you know what I'm talking about at all? Well, you can cut that. There's this monkey in Japan, I think it is. His name is Punch. His name is Punch, and he's been rejected. His mother rejected him.

And then they found him in like a rescue. So they put him in like another zoo. And he's like, dude, he's like seven inches or something. And he has a little stuffed orangutan that he carries around. And these other monkeys that he's in the exhibit with are like. So he has Bula, but for monkeys? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, he could say that. But they are That's just good That's just good analysis Tom I'm just going These monkeys are like Fucking up this little guy

And then he keeps running And grabbing the orangutan It's the most heartbreaking shit I've ever seen Dude he's like There's one video He runs up to like a big group Of like the alpha monkeys that are there And the guy just like runs up and grabs

I mean it's like Boom bomb bomb and throws him Yeah And then the dude And then he runs and just grabs His little stuffed animal and like cowers. It's brutal.

Why do they have them in there? I don't know, but now these videos are getting like hundreds of millions of views because everybody's like... You got to flag, man. That's a real issue to me. I mean, more so than what's going on. Who gives a fuck? That's a real serious issue.

Yeah, it is. Yeah, I mean, I also watched them and was like this is... It's awful. Are they doing anything about it? they know they're capitalizing off of the tourism now that's happening he's just getting punched again yeah these monkeys i think like fuck him up every other day there's a video of him like getting fucked up by a different monkey

but then there's like another video that'll be like one of the monkeys being nice so it's really like a real housewife's like real house monkeys of japan i was going to say columbine but this guy's going to come in a little tiny monkey trench coat with glasses that i'm wearing and he's going to spare that one guy that was nice to do they gave him a candy bar Yeah, yeah, what's that?

It's a whole joke. Whose joke is that? The revenge of punch. Yeah, the revenge of punch. The knockout. After they're all dead, he's just going to be petting the orangutan. We did it. We did it.

We did it. Yeah. Yeah. You got to, dude, you got to watch the videos. Gollum. Yeah. Wee's avenged. Got to watch the videos, Chris.

They're very... Yeah, they're fun. I'll check them out. Punch the monkey. Punch the monkey. It's devastating. That's the big... That was consuming me this weekend more than the Olympics.

I was just like... Dude, I was just like eating Pizza Hut in Indianapolis and in my underwear in a fucking high at jacking off for eight hours and then watching sad... You're not helping your story. This sounds great. No. It's fun for... A day. I was there for four day. What's up? What's your pizza at order?

I just would get a, I got bread sticks and I got a pepperoni and I got like the thick crust. That's nice. Yeah, milk boy coming out hard, dude. No, yeah, now this one I like, I got to support the bread and cheese dish. Dude, it

crust, step. Yeah, it's so sick. Forget about it, dude. I got to say, the best fast food. Just one slice beat off, one slice. Yeah. wash your hands in between you got pepper flakes on there

Danger zone No no no that's that's day one You wash in between Day two Day two you're fucking the box Did you go extra cheese No I don't do extra cheese Gotta go extra cheese

Because when it settles at room temperature Because you can't fit it in the fridge Yeah totally totally You can eat it cold When you wake up from a nap at like midnight The extra cheese forms an insulating barrier 100% And the sauce is

sauce from germs. 100%, dude. Cheese is already mold. You got to protect the sauce. This is why you're not good at the game. Where you have to save our lives. You don't even have to save sauce on a pizza. It's his bartender wisdom coming from pizzas.

God damn. You put enough cheese on it. You get sick. It'll last for years. All right, boys. I will, I got to go get my haircut. All right, cool. hell yeah

I'll see you see you tomorrow see you tomorrow see you tomorrow bye love you later