Stuff Island - Beep & Veep - Stuff Island #140 w/ Lukas McCrary

Episode Date: July 3, 2024

Beep & Veep - Stuff Island #140 w/ Lukas McCrary Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Lukas on IG: https://www.instagram.com/lukaswmc/?hl=en Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Get 20% off your entire order w/ promo code: STUFFISLAND @ CUTSClothing.com Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

my girl's been trying to like get a little set up to like record music and stuff yeah and she's back in that thing where it's like anytime you look up how to set up a podcast they skip all the important stuff yeah like here you want to get this microphone first step try and be content yeah first step don't yeah let's let's see if you really want to do this yeah ask your friends if you're funny i tell you that my uh my buddy was saying there was like an apartment building that just opened up by him yeah and uh like part of the amenities for the apartment building is a podcast room oh my god oh my god is it is it the zone or it's like shared with the whole it's the whole shared with the whole building like a podcast simulator no it's like shared with the whole apartment? It's shared with the whole building. Like a podcast simulator?

No, it's like for people that want... Yeah, it's like we got a weight room and a pool. That's fucking... I would never live there. Podcast room. That's the biggest red flag you could get. Yeah. I'd rather have a pedophile rink.

Oh, shit. A pedophile rink? Yeah, you skate around. You get the chasing little kids, the one you want, and you pick them out like a hunter. Oh, the kid's got natural red hair. I'm going to get his ass.

That sounds expensive. Well, that's my point. You got to make some money to earn. That's the lengths you'll go to to avoid being around a podcast. Oh, my God. Yeah. And there's people just walking by that going, you know, I always thought I should be a podcaster.

And they call their wife in. They're like, let's start one. Let's do one on Polynesian art. That actually sounds pretty interesting. Pick the wrong example. I blame Seinfeld for the start of dudes thinking that just their conversations are interesting enough for it to be content. It's Larry David's fault. Isn't it?

They were the first ones that were just like, just dudes talking, just hanging out. Was that your first reaction to Seinfeld? They're way too fucking casual. These guys are way too laid back. Where's the editing on this? You need to cut out the fat

That's totally something She would say That's crazy It is fucking annoying though You know At least there's a setting In something else Like cheers

You know Obviously it's comfortable You think they're saying Natural stuff Which they are They do it well But there's something About the apartment

That fires me the fuck up. That pisses you the fuck off? Yeah, he's got a good point. I'm fucking upset about it now. You guys don't like Seinfeld? No. No, dude. I actually never did.

This is true. I never watched Seinfeld. You've never seen it. I've seen, like, when I watch it, I'm like, yeah. I don't know. It's too... Yeah. Don't do it, Donald.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know. It's too. Yeah. Don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's, it's just so far removed from my upbringing and people that I am entertained by like wonder years, cheers, all in the family, all those sitcoms that are just like truly hardcore, but it's not like, but it's New York. You love New York. Yeah. Right.

And yeah. And it was when I had no idea about New York. I mean, I get not like humor. Yeah, right. And it was when I had no idea about New York. I mean, I get not liking... The subtle humor, I didn't fucking... I get not liking every single member of the cast, but the show's good. Yeah. I can't deny that it's not entertaining to a certain extent.

I just couldn't fully commit. You know? I wanted to see Mr. Arnold get fucking angry at his kids because he's a drunk and angry and hates his job. He's a Vietnam vet. I want to see him get very close to beating his fucking kid

because that's my love language. Yeah. Yeah, we don't have any good child beating shows anymore. Not anymore, baby. No. I've heard Euphoria is close. Yeah.

I haven't watched it. Those are children beating children. I was going to say, isn't that just like hot transsexuals rubbing genitals on each other? Yeah, that's what the internet's told me. Yeah, I haven't seen the whole thing, but I've seen some clips a lot.

Yeah. It is porn. It's just fucking young porn. Yeah. I don't know. I bet if you watch it, there's some compelling storylines. Yeah. I've actually seen the whole thing. It's just fucking young porn. I bet if you watch it, there's some compelling storylines. I've actually seen the whole thing.

It's great. The whole thing's great. It's really well done. It's really well shot, really well written. The music's great. The acting's great. And you see amazing boobies. What more could you want? I'm starting to understand the hate of Seinfeld.

Well, Elaine can get it yeah not enough fucking tits elaine she's hot yeah she's still she's still aging well yeah i like her more in her veep days yeah even that yeah i want to put a peep in deep let's go dude there you go you're on, baby. You think we need prep for this shit? We do fucking not. I had peep and beep locked in the chamber already. That's the one thing you prepared for the show. It's going to come out. It's going to come out. If not, I'll bring it up. There's a couple things that I'm trying to steer the conversation to so I have something locked and loaded.

Yeah, safety net. I understand. But yeah, you've got to respect a show like Seinfeld that every day, you know tires like that as long as there's just brilliance behind the whole mechanism you got great writers great actors comedic actors and just go this can go for 20 seasons if you want yeah you know yeah it was good i've talked to you about maybe to nine and i think it's yeah i've talked to you about everyone's like fuck this yeah every time like tires comes up around you you seem like so bummed about it he's a fucking curmudgeon i haven't i haven't seen his unless you don't fish and i've never

seen his eyebrows go up i never know what to say about it and i it's like anything else you feel like self-conscious it's like after a set even if it goes well and someone's like that was great you're like thanks man you know yeah you look at your shoes yeah yeah go drink a bottle like yeah yeah i hope you're not lying to me so bad yeah yeah you don't believe it whenever they say no no they enjoyed something yeah the worst is when you actually objectively have a great set and somebody that bombs all the time is like, good set. Like, oh, was it good? Was it good?

I've never seen you once have a good set. Yeah. Literally, get on your fucking knees and blow me. It does. It gives me anxiety when someone bombs and you go, how did it go? And they go, it was awesome. Yeah, they were great. Yeah.

Yeah. You're like, I saw it. Yeah, I was there. Yeah, they were great. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I saw it. Yeah, I was there. Yeah. Can't you just, can't we both have a moment where we go, that sucked for both of us? Yeah. Yeah. I was both pissed and glad you guys left the show we were on a few nights ago.

It was a. Yeah, I definitely didn't see that. Yeah. You probably heard it because everybody shut the fuck up. You probably heard my voice echoing down street shit tommy's still on hold on as soon as everybody gets to a red light you can hear me echoing do that yeah fuck that place i mean that's a great place chris you had a great set dude yeah that was one of those very good crowd very good crowd very giving too

with a lot of the stuff that wouldn't normally work they're very giving yeah it's also when you see when you see someone have a good set ahead of you that you know is not a good comic you're like this could be one of two things the greatest night because they're laughing at everything yeah or if they like that they're gonna me. Yeah. And it was the opposite. That's a real humbling moment when you're like, well, if this guy's killing, I'm going to crush. Fucking crickets. I'm going to run home as fast as I can.

Barrel-chested waving my arms going through the little crowd area to get out of there. Oh, my God. Didn't even get a chance to tip the bartender. Just power walk to the corner. And you would have, too. Uh-huh. That's why. Sorry, Bob.

Just getting picked up by a fucking Lyft. She was a yappy broad. Chris, this is crazy. White Claw Zero is nuts. That's insane. I've been doing it man no i'm proud of you but like trick no the trick is for beer bottles or actual bubbly beers no but this i've drank enough white claws in my life that this has the same feel to it is it the can size it's the yes it's like yeah it's the width because no one no one drinks a white claw i'm like man

this is so good no but i'll have it zero percent alcohol yeah it's just a fucking seltzer no it is it's totally a seltzer but if i was i've tried to drink a regular seltzer before in place of this not the same yeah i can only have one the can size yeah i could put down 15 of these that's terrible yeah it's bad for me for for sure. It's got to be. What's going on with your gut? You doing a lot of tooting? No. Just classic morning farts.

Yeah, I only fart in the morning. Yeah. Unless I have, you know, some wild lasagna at a comedy club. I only toot in the morning. Lasagna at a comedy club? I'm just saying. You've made a wrong food choice somewhere. Change your decision. Yeah, I feel like it's your digestive tract

shifting the process of your load. I don't know. Something's going on. But in the morning, it's crazy how big they are. Yeah. Isn't it fun? Yeah. It's nice.

You feel guilty. It's been a while. I feel like it was, yeah, not as long ago as I would have hoped. You're smiling a little more talking about this than talking about tires. That's crazy. Yeah. This I know how to talk about. Yeah, yeah.

I would much rather talk about shitting my pants than yeah something that's going really well in my life yeah dude speaking of going terrible in my life what are we talking about getting a dog um i'm sweating my ass yeah you had a girlfriend already ah you know this fucking guy get the bell honey we got a ringer for every ringer i go to this we go to this fucking we go to this like sb sbca or whatever it is yeah down here animals alive saca austin rescue alive i don't know what the fuck it is. So my girl's having a bad day. And she's like, let's do something fun. She's like all depressed and angry and just in a funk. And she's like, we talked about getting a dog.

Why don't we just go look at some rescue dogs? Yeah. And I was like, yeah, that's going to be uplifting, right? And then we went to this dog prison. Yeah, no. Dude, I've never been. Yeah, yeah. You check in, you wait, and you just watch.

Like one of the handlers will walk by a series of cages. Yeah. And there's just a bunch of dogs like, Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please get us out of here. It's like going to the zoo. You ever go to the zoo?

Yeah, I love the zoo. When's the last time you went? Have they changed? No. No, but you've changed. That's true. Dude, that's like going to the Barn and bailey circus yeah you're like these elephants are fucking creative when you're seven yeah and then you go back and you're like this is

fuck yeah then you see an indian dude with a 12-foot stick beating the fuck out of their ass yeah dude that's what it's like you look at polar bears or cheetahs or anything yeah they're also tired all the time oh man yeah they's just looking for exits. Yeah. Yeah, they're just literally sitting in the shade on a hot day being like, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, it's horrible.

And they can't run, especially cheetahs. The kid, Bill plays big enough for them to run. Yeah, it's solitary confinement. Yeah, you get a nice break with the giraffes.

You get to feed them lettuce. That's a nice moment. And then it's back to the horse. It's not a break for the giraffes you have to feed them lettuce that's a nice moment we're talking and then it's back it's not a break for the animals what we're talking about you're finally getting a nice break i got a pop of endorphins when i fed the giraffes some grass and the giraffes are choosing to be there because they're so tall they could escape yeah yeah what is the best animal that the happiest animal in a zoo, you think? Probably the people paying for the tickets. The snakes?

Yeah. They don't even know where they're at. They're fine. The reptile section's fine. The penguins look like they're having fun. They got a nice little cooler that they're swimming around in. I love how Chris says penguin. Penguin?

Penguin. Penguin? Penguin. Says it like a fat black lady. He says it on stage and I crack up every time. Penguin. Penguin. You talk about penguins a lot?

Penguins, yeah, a little bit. He's got a penguin joke. I got a penguin joke. Yeah, there's words that I say that I'm not really sure where they came from. It's Connecticut. It's a hodgepodge of everywhere. It's a bastardized New York. Yeah.

Yeah. Connecticut hybrid. You're too close to Boston who fucks everything up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you say bagel? Bagel. Yeah, I say bagel. Where I'm from in East Tennessee, we would call them Jew holes.

Start the podcast there. That's where we start. Finally. Jesus Christ. I avoided the whole Seinfeld conversation. I was holed back for no reason. What a fucking waste. Let's get going, man.

I'm out of my sorts. I'm podcast weak right now. That's Seinfeld looking at the demographics. Yeah. There's a Jew hole in East Tennessee. Nobody's watching this. Let me get a Jew hole toasted with chive cream cheese. He spotted a bit of a Jew hole.

I should try that. Speaking of, I i will say all right look this is it's not it's not racist okay anti-semitic the new hitler doc around the nuremberg trials is fucking impeccable what what's actually what do you like about it every year just for clicks they recreate something around world war ii hitler is enamoring to many people just the fascination around what transpired in in the world obviously yeah you can't do that every year or two it's just like it's it's too overexposed by this point if you're interested you know everything you can't show me anything i haven't already seen their first attempt to that was world war ii in color everyone's like let's go

yeah i'll re-watch everything i already know yeah what could they possibly do we know about the trials in this case they took they spliced the trials and then did back look backs at the actual war footage and it was newer footage that i hadn't seen yeah and they went through the voice of the journalist from the washington post or new york times that was on site following them and reporting actually on site trials no no the war oh so he got to know hitler he got to know churchill he got to know all these people and he started getting like death threats and all that stuff so they kept going back and forth from footage to the trials to this guy's reports and his diaries thinking he was just going to get fucking offed and it's it's great and it's like so this guy was like just following hitler around

like interviewing him while he was trying to interview him and also reporting on his speeches and like what was happening in the crowds and he was just an insider look it was almost like spy but he wasn't yeah yeah yeah he's just there with a yeah yeah and he got like kidnapped at one point and they were like you can't write this you have to write it as in everything's fine this is you know our yeah yeah our objective censoring his material yeah it's like lose all your sense of true journalism and then he tried to not do that and they had to go in like hiding in a way did he have a secret notebook where yeah he had a secret diary which was all the journal end of the war yeah which he hid which is awesome you don't see that kind of shit yeah yeah that's crazy so skip seinfeld watch the

fucking nuremberg trials on netflix i like the idea of him having a diary did he put like who he had a crush on in there there was every other page he just wrote that like stussy s was it stussy what was the s do you remember the s no what do you oh oh that that like fucking line line line line line line i feel like the coolest yeah come on it would be funny if you cut that you'd have to have to take a break i bet he fucked a bunch of nazis while he was over there the german women are okay i guess some of them yeah i think they're hot yeah they can bake bread and stuff yeah what your house right yeah proper housewives yeah is that a yeah yeah and then there's the berlin one gas showers and stuff that are men and they

spank you and shit yeah what is their crazy sexual thing over there charmans yeah yeah well i think they because they're so uh uh shame murderers ashamed and oppressed for years that they're like we have to do the exact opposite of everything yeah so we have to go completely the other way and let's just start fucking everyone and everything do you think that's the case yeah with the berlin wall coming down i think that's when everyone started doing anal. All the hots were on the one side. Yeah. And all the whips and belts were on the other side.

Yeah, you had to combine two. They came together. Yeah, they already... My hand's been dislocated. A divided nation, yeah. It's a lot of effort, whips and belts. Yeah, you gotta plan. Yeah. it's a lot of effort whips and belts yeah yeah you got a plan yeah takes out the spot i can tell i'm gonna tell this story i shouldn't tell this story but i'm gonna tell the story without telling the guy's name a buddy of ours used to take a pontoon boat from new hampshire to an island

and he was dating this old lady who was a doctor. And the first night he got there and she started saying some weird shit about like belts and stuff. And he thought it was just like a joke. And then I guess they had sex. And then he took a pontoon boat out there the next night. And he got in the bedroom. There was just a belt on the bed.

It was laid out. He completely misses it. Are you cheating on me? and he got in the bedroom. There was just a belt on the bed. It was laid out. He completely misses it. Are you cheating on me? Is Walter here? How many other people are on this fucking island? Where are his shoes? So he kind of gets like, oh, and then they start using the belt,

and he's smacking her her ass and she's like harder harder and it's like that if you've ever been in that scenario where it's like no yeah this is fucking weird you know yeah it got to the point where she could only come if he would whip her pussy dude so she's on all fours and he has to come like at a weird angle To whip her pussy What are the races of these two people She's white He's white They're in New Hampshire

Blacks aren't allowed in New Hampshire That's the weirdest part of the story You tell me two white people were fucking On an island That's how you make more New Hampshire That's how you make more New Hampshire. That's how you double New Hampshire. You beat a white bitch with a belt and a pussy.

Just a kid pops out? I shouldn't have said that, but yeah, that's how she got off. We've talked about this. Thank God I don't have a thing. Yeah. But if she has to go on like Bumble and slowly integrate the pussy whip and belt. Yeah. Well, there's other apps where you can put exactly what you're into sexually. No shit.

And then you match up. You're like, I am into getting my pussy whipped. And then there's other people that are into whipping pussy. And then you match with those people. All right, guys. You know it. You love it. This episode is brought to you by squarespace.com.

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There's also, you can upload video content, organize your video library and showcase your content on beautiful video pages. You can even sell access to your video library by adding a paywall to your content. That's pretty wild. A friend of mine texted me out of nowhere asking, I don't know why she asked. She friend of mine texted me out of nowhere asking, I don't know why she asked. She listened to our podcast, but randomly was like, I'm starting a website for my business, like just out of nowhere.

And I was like, use Squarespace code Stuff Island. You can get, I think it's 15% off. It's 10% off the purchase of a domain or website. Yeah. That's what she did. Is that where we're at? Yeah. Go to squarespace.com slash stuffisland to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code stuffisland. Squarespace.com slash stuffisland or use the code stuffisland.

Come on. Chris, are you ready to be the hottest dude in our crew? You know, most of us... All you need is a new black t-shirt. Yeah. Actually, the material is sick, dude. It's crazy. You know what it is?

It's good travel wear, in my opinion. It is good travel wear. Because it looks good, and it's light, and it's breathable. Holy shit! Are you doing this for me or am I? It's incredible! I wore it on a flight recently, and I was like, this is perfect. It feels like PJs, but looks like dresses.

Yes. And that's what all of our friends really try to do. Yeah. Because all of us just wear t-shirts all day long, you know? And this gives you like a nice kind of a designer look with comfort of PJs. Yeah. It's wrinkle-free, which is fucking nuts. And that's why it's great for travel as well.

I don't know if we have the joggers from them. I know we have jeans that are crazy comfortable yeah but this is cuts this is uh episodes also brought to you by cuts c-u-t-s go to cutsclothing.com yeah code word stuff i own you get 20 off so if you want to be relaxed at a date and not look like you're that relaxed look like like you're dressed up. You want to be the hot one in your group. Like, Chris, just go to cutsclothing.com. Put in the code STUFFYLON. You get 20% off your order, which is crazy.

You know, you can obviously see I look pretty good in this. Dude, I want to get some of their stretch-to-fit joggers. That's the flight. That's the total flight fit. Yes, the perfect flight outfit. Black on black. Yep. Sleek looking. Yep. Dude, The perfect flight outfit. Black on black. Yep. Sleek looking. Yep.

Dude, it's, you feel this. No, I know. It's like silky, stretchy, and it's wrinkle free. Guys. This is my second shirt out of the packaging. You can't even tell. Yeah. Cutsclothing.com.

Use code Stuff Island. 20% off. It's Michael Chandler's favorite clothing company. Michael Chandler. Yeah. MMA Michael Chandler? Yeah. MMA Michael Chandler? Yeah, he put me in an arm bar at the Beer Olympia. I saw that. You were just getting fucked up by Michael Chandler. I know. Three days ago.

I should have talked to him about cuts. Maybe he would have laid off. I'm going to blow my rotator cuff. Cuts rules! Cuts rules! Cuts save me! Cuts save me! I'm just asking for the guy. There's one called Field that I've been on, and it's all ugly, polyamorous people.

All horrific. That's okay. Well, it depends on what are you into. I'm into, like, vagina, and... I really like... My kink is when I get to put my penis inside of one. Why are you doing field? Because a friend was doing it and she's a woman, so she was having great success on there.

And then I tried it and had zero success. Yeah. I went on one date with a woman who was in a polyamorous relationship. And it turned out that her boyfriend knew me and was like a fan so that was really strange and then i was still like well whatever i'll deal with that later yeah yeah yeah that's so weird i'm gonna have to unpack that after we have yeah that's the weirdest thing ever but my mental clarity is clearer when my balls are empty. So why don't we...

I'm sure future me will be able to... We never had sex. We were going to have a second date because we just got coffee the first time. We're going to go out of this again. And then she canceled. She said that she was... She said that she was polysaturated at the moment

and didn't want to go out. Oh, shut the fuck up. Wow. Which means she's getting fucked too fucking hard. Polysaturated? Using that language. This is gross. She's just having too much sex.

She's a whore. Just say, sorry, I can't. My pussy's broke at the moment. What's the saying? I'm being too much of a pig. Yeah. Because I'm not in love with my boyfriend and i we refuse to break up yeah like it'll never work i refuse to believe this and i'm not saying like 1950s christian one man one woman i get it but if your whole lifestyle

is going on apps and feeding this this machine because you can't connect with the individual next to you is fucked. I get like, if you go to Greece, right? You see a hot bartender. She's always wanted to eat a bag. And you're like,

all right, let's see what we can do. Let's take a bag. Platio. That's the first time I've heard that one. I had two sips of white claw, dude. I was fired up.

You should try the ones that aren't zero, you start saying stuff you never said before but i'm saying like yeah i'm not i'm not opposed to people just going let's have a third in the bedroom let's have some fun but if that's your whole identity right then you're hiding you gotta have a hobby your hobby can't be fucking yeah yeah you should be saturated from fucking yes yeah you're hiding something. You got to have a hobby. A hobby can't be fucking. Yeah. You should be saturated from fucking. Yes. Yeah, you're an absolute piglet. Yeah. You need to be shot in a farm.

Well, they want the same thing, like the idea of a fuckboy and someone who's polyamorous. They want the same thing, but the polyamorous person just has more verbiage on ways to say it to where it doesn't sound as egregious.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and maintain a relationship with someone who's got a steady paycheck. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Which I feel like is a common thread.

Yeah. It's important. In just what I've seen. Yeah. And what I've seen, the common thread is eventually they go amok in the city. They eventually have a connection with somebody that's greater than the person they've started this relationship with. And they start clinging to them more. And then there's a fight there where they don't love that person because now they're jealous.

Yeah. And it's like, what are you complaining about? You fucking made your bed. This is exactly what would happen. You think everybody's just as dunce as you? Just open, you know? As you get older, you realize it's not just genitals, man. There's a heart in there, too.

Their argument is that every relationship sucks. Mine just sucks in a different way. Yeah, right. And we have bonuses. Which is not bad. That's a tough one to... Well, it sucks, but you're allowed. I can't bring that up.

That must be the hardest start of a conversation. Look, we're going through it right now yeah it's gonna be tough and i do love you i think we should stick together i got an idea what if yeah we just start exploring other things yeah other people but we come home we're safe we wear condoms let's not work out any of our problems yeah let's just go out into the world and ignore that yeah you just sweat on a couple backs get your load off come home let's make dinner Let's not work out any of our problems. Let's just go out into the world and ignore that. You just sweat on a couple of backs, get your load off, come home. I'm currently polyunsaturated.

Monounsaturated. I need to expand. You just got to stay busy, man. You got to stay busy. You got to stay in the pocket. Yeah, it really is a thing where i that's mostly how i feel about it i don't think it's wrong but i feel like there's better ways to spend your time yeah yeah an inactive mind is the most dangerous fucking mind to me yeah like anytime i have days

off or something yeah remember the movie idle hands no i remember the name i don't remember the plot it was yeah is it it four Jews in an apartment? Are they all four Jews? Yeah. I think so. Yeah. It was a very racist show. They wouldn't hire anyone that's not Jewish.

Yeah. Even the writer's room. No black is your right. That'd be great. Every third episode, you know who wrote it Kramer comes up and I'm like yo what's up bitches I haven't seen

many of those down here Black Israelites yeah oh you have there's right outside Vulcan they're there like every other week

talking about a barbecue spot you got it you have it you have it I'll take you try the honey butter I'm telling you it'll flip your wig talk to alfred he'll help you out no they are i've seen them yeah purple and yellow yeah they're there like

every other week and because i i do shows at vulcan and they're always there like scaring away people that we're trying to sell tickets to yeah They're always just real mad. They're very homophobic, very anti-gay, very anti-white. Yeah. So I look like both of those things. What are they pro? Themselves. Blacks. Are they pro-Israel?

Yeah. They consider themselves the first Jews. Yeah, but the Jews that are there now, they can't be thrilled about. Right? What do you mean, Chris? I'm saying that they got to hate Jews. Right?

I just assumed. Well, yeah. If it's a. Like, I don't think they're going on birthright and being like, everything's great here. Yeah. It's like two. I feel like it's like two separate things. Like two kings both calling themselves king.

Yeah. Mad at the other one. Kangs. Raising Kangs. I'm the only Kang. Wake up, white people. Dude, they are like, they're very funny. If you stick around, just try not to lock eyes.

They soften up? Because it's like looking at a fucking, a brown bear protecting its cubs, dude. If one catches you staring and like mocking, you know, they fucking swarm like wasps. Did they say stuff to you? Yeah. No. No, I was like this. Every time he looked at me, I was like.

Don't mess with that guy. He's about to pass out it's such a have a heart attack no there's like a you know like block off 6th street and it's just all

young kids dressed like hookers and there's people calling all the bars there are real shitty they're open no one's really in them everybody's barking

to come into their bar there's like you know smoother Latin dudes approaching every hot girl. They're just running numbers, man. They're just hitting on women the whole fucking time. And then you have a whole pack of black Israelites reading the Old Testament talking about how white people are the devil.

And then you got to go do comedy. Then you have the best comedy club in the world. Exactly. It's such a wild that two block radius of like getting dropped off and then walking through that just the anxiety ridden mayhem it is kind of it's a nice melting pot

it's a carnival it's a true fucking carnival it's a circus it's a human circus and leaving that could you take a pamphlet from a black Israelite no they're not recruiting us i looked into it really no there's no fucking way why not because you walk by them and they don't hand you a pamphlet they stand tall strict they're all looking for fights they're crazy people yeah Crazy people. Yeah. That's what people said about Jesus.

Yeah, he was. He was a crazy homeless dude. Hung out on 6th Street. He had pretty good friends, though. Oh, he was just good at speeches, like Hitler. What else was Hitler good at? I'm hoping these pauses, you guys have something to say.

I kind of want to know if there was like, what was the new, a new piece of information in the Hitler doc that you didn't know? I didn't know anything about this journalist following the war. That's, that's number one. The Nuremberg trials were black and white and they didn't go through the individual outside of just like running the lineup of like all their crimes. The Nuremberg trials were black and white, and they didn't go through the individual...

Outside of just running the lineup of all their crimes, they got very specific into each one and how they tried to fight their case. So they would showcase one of the defendants, and then they would go into the history books, find him on camera, find his speeches, find his books where he signs off on this shit while he's gone. I had nothing to do with this. I thought Hitzler was going to do this. Just following orders kind of thing. Yeah, exactly. And then some would be like, I had to do what I had to do.

And out of like 128 defendants, I think like 80 something or I forget the numbers exactly, but over two-thirds were found guilty. And of those guilty, only like two or three of them got small sentences. And then the majority of that majority were hanged.

Hunged. Hanged. They were hunged. They hung them. Yeah, they hung them. And the cyanide capsules that all the other guys... Wait, I thought they were white, though. Like Himmler. Yeah, they hung them. And the cyanide capsules that all the other guys... Wait, I thought they were white, though.

Like Himmler. Himmler and that fat piece of shit, whatever his name is. I want to be clear, I was making a penis joke. I was making a hung penis joke. I want the record to show I was not making a lynching joke. I thought you were doing East Tennessee stuff over there. I was making a penis joke. So a lot of them, they confiscated the pills into the prisons and ate the cyanide before they can get...

Tried. No, after the trial, after they were convicted, before they got hung. They didn't want to be humiliated like Mussolini was. How they hung him and his fucking wife. Damn. And then beat the shit out of them in the streets. I wish there was like a cyanide Narcan back then.

That would have been such a bummer for them. To bring them back to life? Yeah, yeah. And have them come back and be like, no. Yeah. And then they hang them. They hang them and then pick them up a little bit. Like get his breath.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would like, why are there, outside of Abu Ghraib, which we didn't hide that well, we should have torture camps. Like really get into it. I would submit my resume. My resume. My resignation. Get the job. I'm gonna

fucking get out of it. I'm getting fired off. I love that for you. Just being in the CIA for 40 years and being like, where is the torturing? I was supposed to be... Yeah. Yeah, what are we trying to do, though? What information would we need now?

No, it's just more to get off on. I don't know where certain Pokemon are and how to find them. Just some rogue... Pokemon go to the polls. I would feel bad for a guy. There had to be like a whole town in Germany that didn't even know the war was going on. It's impossible.

What do you mean? I don't know. They could just be out in the mountains or the woods somewhere. I doubt there was like Ted Kaczynski's in fucking 1935 Germany. I bet there were. There had to be Germans that had no idea

what was going on. They just took a long 10-year nap. No, and then all of a sudden the Russians just came through and raped them. They were just hating the Jews by themselves and they had no idea there was a whole club going on. They missed out on all the fun.

It was a nightmare scenario. And then, yeah, yeah. Missing the fun and then getting fucked. It's like when you go to a small town and you see like a punk, like a goth, you're like, you would kill it in New York. You had no idea what's going on.

What are you doing here, man? You're just suffering. It's an army of one. What the fuck is East Tennessee like? Martinelli's, his best apple juice. This is what I was talking about on set. What's up? No, you just said what I wanted to say.

Martinelli's was the guy who got hung and beaten to death? The Nuremberg trial? Mussolini is what you said. Mussolini, yeah. The same. East Tennessee's

fine. It's mountainous. I lived close to Dollywood. You know, Dolly Parton's amusement park. That was an actual thing? It's a real thing, yeah. Dolly Parton's amusement park. That was an actual thing? It's a real thing, yeah. Dolly Parton

has an amusement park where everything is themed after her. And every month or so she does a little carousel ride through the park. Everyone stops. Is there any hidden imagery of her tits? Well, it's not hidden. It's very open. Oh, yeah. That's a big factor

for Dolly. like the teacups go in just giant circles yeah they squirt milk everywhere yeah you've seen her recently she's she's holding up for 85 for whatever she is i bet she's 97 it's a lot of surgery i imagine yeah i think they keep getting bigger too yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Were you shooting guns and stuff? No, I was raised in the suburbs, so we were very... No guns in the home. Christian household, though. Okay.

And then my dad went completely... He's an atheist now and an ally. I think he became an ally because he thought that I was gay. Like truly, I really do think that. Really? Yeah. Damn.

Wait, so you guys didn't talk for a while? He lost his faith and then was like, son, now I get what you've been doing. I think we should be closer. I like the idea just that he's thinking you're gay and he's like asking himself all these questions about like, my son's gay. I'm super Christian.

I got to change. I got to grow. I'm like, I love my son. I can't like abandon him. He's like really going through it. So he does the research. And it turns out you're just fucking chicks the whole time. Well, it's confusing for him because the girls i would bring home are like these

shaved head hairy armpit girls and he's like we're getting closer yeah yeah we need you to bring home a real man that would be fun toy with me just rip the bandaid off these hand breeds aren't gonna do it that's so funny hurt him losing his faith to get closer with his son only to find out

his son's not gay yeah come back to Christ yeah so you guys talk yeah yeah we talk they're good

they're my parents are still together they're very supportive of things that I do. How Christian was your upbringing? He once smacked me because I said, holy crap. Oh my God. You guys would go to church every Sunday? Every Sunday or twice Sunday, once Wednesday.

Did he wind up while you were saying holy and then he hit you before the crap came out? Well, there's a little smile when I said holy and then the crap came. He's like, wait, what? Yeah, but he was already committed. He thought I was just going to say like, holy father, I love thee. Wait, this is, hold on a second.

Hold on. Twice in one day? Church, yeah. So early, the Sunday morning and then Sunday evening. Why? What'd you learn? I learned that I didn't want to be there. That's for sure.

That's fucking insane. You get like four hours between off. You go home and you, well, you eat, you go to La Coretta or a Mexican restaurant and get chips and queso. And I would get a, they have a Mexican hamburger, which is ground up meat and queso on a bun. But I would get it with no meat.

So it's just queso buns. Just bun, queso buns? Take me to church three times before eating that, dude. That's crazy. That was the first time. That was when his dad started to crumble. Yeah. It's not working.

He's eating a cheese sandwich. And in the morning, we'd have those glazed U-holes. Yeah. And that was the best part, was just getting donuts in the morning. Did they make callbacks for the morning mass? Like, what was the second mass? Was it just the same as the earlier one? It was the best part was just getting donuts in the morning. Did they make callbacks for the morning mass? Like what was the second mass? Was it just the same as the same thing? There's less people there less.

Uh, cause, uh, you know, you could see who was committed or not. so it's all pride. Your parents want the other community members to see that you guys were committed. It was an endurance run.

You're the top 1%. Yeah. And then Wednesdays was, uh, for youth group. Okay. This is Wednesdays was for a youth group. God, this is so sad. What a waste of youth. Did that drive you crazy?

It was just kind of what we did. I didn't... You didn't want to stay home and watch something else? All the time. All the time, but it wasn't really an option. I went to Catholic school. I went to 12 years of Catholic school. My dad never went to church once.

Wow. Unless it was a funeral for a very close loved one, he'd sit in there for a minute. And my mom always just pushed it off like, yeah, your dad, he's spiritual in his own way. We went to church every Sunday for the first maybe seven or eight years of my life. Yeah. Dude, I used to hide under the back deck.

Yeah. I would just, I'd rather sit under the back deck and one of my boys would get the pamphlet, the, what do you call it? The homily? No. No, whatever the itinerary is. Yeah, yeah, the itinerary

because it had a certain time on it. So you told your mom you're going to 10 a.m. at mass. You got to come home with a 10 a.m. I fucking forget the name. Your mom wouldn't go either go either my mom would go but she'd go in different hours because she was a nurse so sometimes she would go saturday night get it out she was the only one that was catholic like truly catholic she still goes to church she was a eucharistic minister and said she was uh pursuing other religions really yeah she's polyamorous she's poly yeah yeah she's poly religious eucharistic's poly, yeah. Yeah, she's polyreligious. What's a Eucharist?

Eucharistic minister, you get like, it's like marrying somebody, I guess. It's like you can hand off the Eucharist to all the fucking vampire parishioners. What's a Eucharist? Eucharist is the body of Christ. Oh. It's a little wafer. Why? The Jesus.

You never heard of a Eucharist? We didn't call it Eucharist. What'd you call it? Jesus bread. It's truly The Jesus. You never heard of it? Yeah, we did that. Eucharist? We didn't call it Eucharist. What did you call it? Jesus bread. It's truly a Jesus. A God loaf. Wait, did you go to like a fun church? Were they like playing jazz music or something?

No, it was very traditional. And one time we, the youth group, they played like Christian rock. And some of the older members got mad that they were playing rock music. Too hardcore? Yeah, too hardcore. Versus the hymns. How'd you get into this? This is like a... Into what? I don't know. Anything entertaining? Life?

Through my dad. We did theater stuff growing up. I did plays at the local theater guild. Oh, I thought it was going to be through the church. We did a little bit of that. Because every church has like a silo for gays. Every church I went to.

Yeah, it is. They have a theater program that's like so gay people can keep going to church. Right. Never. At least that's the ones I went to. They always had a theater program. No, the silo program was become a deacon. That's a different silo.

The ultimate silo. This abstaining from women's easy. Yeah, I never trusted a deacon. I wasn't sure. I was like, why are you here? You can have a family. You can have sex with women. I mean, I actually kind of respect that more.

What do you think the percentage is of a priesthood that are actually dedicated to Christ and really want to spread the good word? Versus just wanting to get their load off and a bunch of kids? Yeah. Or just, yeah, cheat the system in whatever maniacal, perverted way.

I don't know. I didn't know these guys very well but all my like priests and stuff seemed just like dudes it seemed like there was something they were like were they cool i wouldn't go that far but they just seemed like regular guys like they weren't yeah they didn't seem crazy or weird. Didn't seem all for creepy. No, they were just like... It almost seemed like a thing they were doing for a while. It was always interesting to me when you got a new priest. It was like, where did this guy come from?

What happened in the last... You know what happened. He got transferred after diddling. I know. But it would be like a guy who just came out of the seminary. Yeah. It's just like... The whole thing was fascinating to me.

You don't want that you got a degree that's like sports center hiring a new newscaster yeah you're like I don't have the emotional capacity

to start to love this person because I already have my four yeah and no one was talking about the new guy come on just be like

alright now this guy's talking to us no one I didn't approve this yeah run it by the 8th graders before you bring in Father Ferenc true this is a very weird episode I don't approve this. Yeah. Run it by the eighth graders before you bring in Father Ferenc.

True. This is a very weird episode. I don't know. I'm kind of liking it. We had... Did you fuck around in church? That's why I stopped going to my brother and I.

I was so scared to sin because hell is such a scary thing. Like, I didn't say any cuss words until ninth grade, and it was like a conscious decision. It's like, I'm going say any cuss words until ninth grade and it was like a conscious decision it's like i'm gonna start cussing now yeah because i i always said like effing and frick yeah i remember i i told my friends i i uh sang along to um i can't tell if he's doing a thing get get low by the Eastside Boys. Lil Jon and the Eastside Boys.

I would always sing that. To the window, to the wall, to the wall. You say balls? I would say balls, yeah. I'll skeet, skeet my, and I'd go effer. I'll skeet, skeet my effer. You would sing this out loud? Yeah.

Oh my God. I'll skeet, skeet, gosh darn. Now that's cute when you're like seven. Yeah, but I was, yeah. Fifteen. Yeah, I was 15, yeah. Are all your friends still in the shit? It was like half and half,

and then some of them would cuss, and I would get like mad at them. I was such a little bitch. Oh, my God. You shouldn't cuss. You shouldn't do like hand stuff with your girlfriend. Were there any, like, street kids? What about kids that, like, fucking revolted?

Like, there was no, like, pill heads or, like, tough kids? Oh, there was. I had a gay friend who, he came out, and that was one of the reasons, because whenever he came out, I was, in my head, I was like, fuck, Jackson's going to hell. That sucks, man. That sucks. You started to really, Jackson's going to hell. That sucks, man. That sucks. You started to really like Jackson?

Yeah. Jesus. And then he, I remember it was me, him, and another friend. We all promised to never smoke weed together. We would say we would never do drugs, never drink anything. But then. Yeah, they make you do that i feel like no we did that just on our own no i know but it's in there yeah it's a bond up and make promises about things you won't do it's like weird keep keep each other accountable yeah it's spooky yeah

i'm so glad i wasn't like in a sect like that where it's like catholic school in a in a city suburb is like look we didn't want you going to the public school yeah well it's also just crazy outside of the curriculum learning religion for 12 years is insane yeah that's insane i would have rather gone to public school but my mom thought it was like dangerous dude there's too many older brother i mean that was like from i i don't remember going to church and not having my brother be like this is bullshit yeah all this is bullshit yeah yeah just so you know the annoying thing with religion at least in my experience it's with christianity it's always the the biggest lessons are always things that you aren't supposed to do there's not a lot of focus on things that

you should do it's always yeah what what are you doing that you should feel really bad yeah so just as a kid it was always shame and guilt and feeling like i was going to hell my brother told me god wasn't real in third grade yeah i mean i don't even think he was in sixth yeah it's like our whole life was going to church during school and then on sundays wearing i wore a uniform for the first 13 years of my life that's crazy kind of sick i'm sorry 18 yeah yeah like fucking till i was 18 years old i'm sorry yeah 18 a shirt and tie in the summer you had to wear a sweater. So we made dickies. We cut the dress shirt from here to here

like the priests have. Yeah, yeah. You just put a collar and then an over top. Nice. You know? That's pretty cool. Like a bib.

It was a bib. And then your tie would just hang over your belly button. So all my boys, we'd get changed for like baseball practice and everybody would

take their sweater off and then everyone's wearing a bib. You had to wear the sweater in the heat? All the way until you could finally switch off to a short sleeve shirt. But, you know,

Philadelphia, this summer's, spring, summer, you never know what two weeks are going to get shifted. Yeah, yeah. You sweat your dick off. They're like, not yet.

It's not the start of summer. Damn, I hated God so much I hated him so much what did he do to you? I think it was more just I didn't like going to church and I felt like he was responsible so then I was like fuck this guy he's not real he's a piece of shit

he's getting me out of bed I could be watching cartoons I could be playing the yard i see this language if he was 13 and you were saying this language he would be on fire yeah yeah you'd be pissed off yeah were your parents i i mean were they they were obviously super hardcore religious but did they believe it or were they just yeah they did yeah they did my dad doesn't i don't know if my mom does right now, but I think he's pulling her. It's weird because my dad and her still go to church because he sings in the choir. Oh, that's kind of funny.

He loves performing. He loves it. Not a lot of gigs. Not a lot of gigs in East Tennessee. You have to be religious to perform. That's so funny. Does he have to show up for church just to perform? He's got to pay his dues?

Yeah, but he likes it. He likes the community of it. He just took the edge off a bit. I'm not going to get crazy. I'm not going to learn Ezekiel 3-5. I've been saying this for a while. I feel like I want to go back to church every Sunday.

Just to see what's going on. I can tell you what's going on right now. I want to go back to church every Sunday. Yeah. Yeah. Just to see what's going on. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell you what's going on right now. I want to see what they're talking about. Yeah. I want to go to a mega church like a Joel's. That's, that would be fun to see what these fucking maniacs.

I want to go to the locals. I want to go, that I got, I got it. I get it. It's a big old grift or whatever. I feel like we're just avoiding the obvious. We want to go to a black church.

No, no. It's the only thing that's interesting. No, he doesn't want to. That's one thing I. We want to go to a black church. No, no. He doesn't want to. That's one thing I do not want to do. Oh my God. I went once. It's fucking incredible. Yeah, dancing.

A small black church in North Philly. It was unbelievable. Yeah. They're so welcoming. There's a barbecue afterwards. It was crazy. They bring you into the fold? Of course they did.

Or they know you're there just to watch i was i was being genuine i was interested in seeing how the culture behaves at church did they give you a fan there was actually that's a great question i think i don't think it was that hot that that's easy i want to wait until the next year. No, but it was wild. It's exactly how you imagine. There was no microphone. A small, like, creaky wooden church. Dancing the whole fucking time. The sermon was insane. What are they talking about?

Oh, they just pick a, like, typical, they just pick a lesson out of the Bible and then riff. Yeah. This guy was amazing. Of course he had, like, a Lexus. See, that's what I want. I want to see what the homil then riff. Yeah. This guy was amazing. Of course he had like a Lexus. See, that's what I want. I want to see what the homilies are. He was a pastor.

He wasn't a priest. He was like a man of the community who just robs from religious people. Talking about stuff that was going on. Pastors are criminals. They're absolutely criminals. They're trying to be. They prey on the weak-minded. They're trying to be.

They're trying to be. They pray on the weak-minded. They're trying to be. They're trying to get the big money. I mean, if this wasn't on camera, I would say, like, if we could do one... If I had hit the lottery, I would pretend to be like Mace, and I would just be a pastor and see how large I can get my church. Yeah, yeah, just to do it. As a study? Yeah. Like, how good my sermons and how entertaining my sermons can be oh you get the you have to have a lot of programs for the kids because

then it's like free babysitting for the parents and that gets the families in there i got money to hire a fucking i'm sure they have wrangler yeah in theler Yeah All you need is a basketball court Sure That's big Yeah Yeah Yeah my gym has it Location location location

I'm sure there are like Like conferences and seminars Like people go If they're like trying to start Like a dental practice They go to like a place Where people tell you How to like set it up

Yeah I'm sure there's the same thing With a church And I'm sure they have trying to start a dental practice, they go to a place where people tell you how to set it up. I'm sure there's the same thing with the church. And I'm sure they have all... You want a basketball court. You want a jungle gym. You need to be babysitting these kids. And then you get the money. Is it like if you want to start... Then you get the cash.

And then you get the power. Is it like a franchise where you're like, I want to start a Methodist church. If you're starting a Chick-fil-A restaurant, you have to pay them money. Do you have to pay money to some big methodist group if you want your church to be branded as methodist oh i there's no way that those big ones aren't franchised in some way like billy graham and they've got to be like in like you pay us a pyramid yeah you pay us. There's a pyramid. Yeah, you pay us. We endorse your fucking church. And then you, like, become part of our little program.

Like, could I start one? The Billy Graham fans in your area will go to your church. Yeah. Could I just start one? Just open up one and be like, this is the true church of Mormon? Yeah. Yeah, you could do that. Mormonology? Yeah, yeah. I think you just, you know. Yeah, you could be Mormon. Yeah. Mormonology?

Yeah. You could be Mormon. You could create a new sect any day. You just fill out government doc? Yeah. Because then you're tax-free. It's Mormonism, but we believe this other stuff. Isn't the mothership a church?

Joe's not paying any taxes. No, I think that was the other one. That mothership a church joe's not paying any taxes that's just a church yeah i do didn't i remember i did a show in colorado and colorado springs where it was a weed church they were just like selling weed but they were also a church so they got they were like tax-free that's crazy yeah yeah wow yeah. Yeah. I think you can start a church... Technically anywhere. Doing anything. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what the requirements are, but...

Yeah. It's a great idea for... I think they're pretty, like, I don't think it's a heavy lift. Dude, you could just set up a church, do a live podcast at the church every sunday that's your podcast but it's not about anything church related yeah so you get everybody in there you get money no taxes you got a place to do stand-up could you just say this is a church service yeah we need to get a thousand people in there.

I don't think so. I don't think it's based on ticket sales. I'm saying it is for us. We're trying to make some money here, dude. My fake church idea. Nick, yeah, you just need to be evangelizing somehow. Yeah. The theme of the podcast is we bring one person in a week,

and we... Rape them. Just a guy who's confused about what church is here you got two options you can either sign up or you get fucked in yeah i think it could work it will work do you have anything to plug? Yeah. Absolute Show. It's a live comedy talk show. I did it. It was fucking fun as hell. Tommy did it.

Chris did it. I did do it. It was great. They both did fantastic. One of them did better. I won't say which one. But it's now at the Creek and Cave every Wednesday at 8 p.m. It's also on YouTube. Absolute Show.

Let's go. Let's go. Lucas McCrary will drop his handle in this stuff. Yeah. You got anything to plug? No. I'm plugging that I'm here now. Yeah.

We're in Texas. Fucking amazing. So this is what you need. You need to draft your church bylaws and belief statement. Yeah. Structure and name the church. That's easy. Yeah.

Get a 501c3 status. Easy. That feels like it might be tough. That's paperwork. Get an employer identification number. Open a bank account. That seems odd. We could have a Stuff Island church.

Yeah. We have an employer identification number. We're an LLC. We'd just change that to a 503. I'm dead serious. I'm going to look into this. Yeah, it would be a fun thing to do. You can just rent out a property until you can buy it off.

You know, I don't think you'd need a property even. Just do a live podcast once a week? Because a church is where you make it. Where you congregate. Yeah. A church is where the people are. It's not about walls.

True. That's one thing I learned. I was going to say, that's a very learned state, but spiritual. Yeah. Do you need an address to start a church? That'd be fucked up. Use my parents. Still getting my mail.

Bedroom by your house. My childhood bedroom is my church. My mom still calls me about like TD Bank statements. Has all of my Michael Jordan posters. I haven't had a fucking TD Bank in 15 years, Mom. Throw it out. My pastor once, I couldn't tell if he was being like super, I couldn't tell if he was being racist or like super progressive.

In the sermon, he was talking about how he went to a prison to preach. And he said, and of course at the prison, it was all black people. And then he just moved on. Choose your next sentence very carefully. Very carefully.