Stuff Island - Big Sugar & Meditation w/ Mike Vecchione (Episode 78)

Episode Date: May 4, 2023

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Um, you show your ass there? What? You show your ass? Uh, no, I didn't. It's gotta be one conversation you're regretting. I did good, and then the night ended with, like, it was... You wanna hook up, or do you wanna go to my house? No, no, nothing even like that.

Do you guys both have girls? Like, that's a serious question. No. I do. Do you really? Yeah. Girls? Is it a different girl than the girl that came over to my place for the Super Bowl?

What the fuck was that? No, because I look fucked up. All right, start there. I look fucked up on these podcasts. We're not just fucking selling. What are you doing, Mike? No, I get bad angles. What are you doing?

Tommy, I get bad angles and I look like a fat mess on the podcast. You can look like a fat fuck. You can't be throwing me in a fire. Super Bowl was a long time ago. Can't avoid it on this couch. You mean two Super Bowls ago. Yeah, the Super Bowl that you were at my place were your shoulder. Because we were just there, too.

Yeah. I mean, it was the way. Now you see what you're doing, you fat fuck? No, it was the Eagles, too. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was the wind. Now you see what you're doing, you fat fuck? No, it was... The Eagles were not... Michael, we were just in the Super Bowl. I know that. I know that.

I still have a bruise on my hip from falling down the steps. That's right. You're injured. You got injured from a Super Bowl party. A big injury from a party. Yeah. Talk about fragile. You got injured at his house?

Yes. You got injured at your house, too? Yes. No, you got injured. Jesus Christ. Yeah, injured in your house too yes no you got you got injured yeah something with your shoulder oh yeah it's still there yeah yeah but that's not i don't think it's where i injured it i think it's just from is that where you sure no we jumped up we jumped up in the air i think i was drinking i think we were both we were both drunk. I jumped up. We jumped up in the air. Dude, oh my God.

Meanwhile, I was just blacked out like Peter Griffin at the bottom of the steps. I got a torn meniscus. God damn it, dude. We jumped up in the air and chest bumped or something. Your head probably hit my chest, Michael. But I can't remember what Super Bowl that was because it wasn't the Eagles win. Maybe it was a playoff. It was the playoff for that year. Yes. It couldn't have been what Super Bowl that was because it wasn't the Eagles win. Maybe it was a playoff. It was the playoff for that year. Yes.

It wasn't. It couldn't have been the Super Bowl because I texted you. We were watching the Super Bowl at the Cellar because all the New England guys were at another table. Yeah. All the Philly guys were at one table and we were watching it. Yeah, no, I can't do that. Right. You can't go to public places like that.

Right, right, right. We did do Barstool for the last one. That was fun. We had a private, a private, they hooked us up. We had a nice little section where... VIP, you could say it. Well, yeah, VIP. Your low-income fans won't get there.

Right, yeah. You couldn't even stare at us. You know what I mean? You literally just like... You sent somebody over to address us. Oh, no, I had a fucking, I had them put a big velvet. A big velvet drape. It's a circle drape.

Can't see the TV, but no one can see you. Yeah. Like that dude in Karate Kid Part 1 where he's just a big shower curtain. Yeah. Damn, I'm showing my age right now. Speaking of him, I saw fucking The Boss. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you really?

How was it? He's awesome. It was great. It was three hours of one song. It was like going to a fish concert. Does he have an opener or does he just come out and start nah dude he said it said in the ticket 7 30 sharp start because i was because he's 40 he's 73 years old yeah yeah that's crazy he looks great yeah god he looks great but he's got to go to sleep no he fucking rocked non-stop and his voice was the same it was unbelievable really yeah and it was a big bowl of old jew boomers was it really yeah just people getting wasted though do you ever think the amount

of uh the amount of pensions that's there because they're all like blue collar guys are retired ah dude when they start dancing a little heavily coins would fall out of their ears no but it was easter sund, so it was just all like, you know, 60, 70-year-old, 80-year-old. Yeah. People that don't celebrate Easter. Yeah.

Where was it? Where was it? I already said Jews. Where was it? The USB Arena, where the Islanders lose. Oh. I can't talk shit.

Dude, the Flyers suck. The Flyers suck so bad. God, they're so bad. They've started, this is their, they started rebuilding within a rebuild. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's that. The Flyers suck ass. The Flyers suck so bad. God, they're so bad. They've started rebuilding within a rebuild. Oh, yeah. That's how bad things have gotten. That's like being in a shitty relationship and going,

maybe we should see other people. Then we'll learn to love each other. It's like, no, dude. Pull the fucking cord. Maybe if I imagine you sucking somebody else's dick, I can learn that maybe I want you around for life. I don't care about you. Has an open relationship ever fucking worked, do you think?

Never. I don't know. I have a friend that's in one, and it seems to be working. What's her at? It doesn't matter, but it seems to be working, but I don't buy it. No, no, that's not. I don't buy it. That's a temporary band-aid.

Yeah. Because what do you do? What do you, you know know it's like let's close it now we both agree that this needs to be closed yes well you got to really i feel like buy into the identity of being a polyamorous person yeah that's your entire life now yeah you can't go back no you can't you can't go back to it because then you're just like how many bodies did you hit like i went out to coffee with carl body count yeah yeah and there has to be like there's got to be like an imbalance like there's no way if it's two good looking people

right there's no way the dude could keep up with right how hard the chick is slaying again yeah you know what i mean depending who initiates it like if the dude initiates it then he went and the girl really doesn't want to have other partners, then she's going to put her foot less on the gas pedal than he is. He thinks so. Yeah, yeah. Because she's going to wait around like maybe he just needs to get this out of his system and then he'll come back.

So she probably might not hit it that hard. But she might hit it out of jealousy if she finds out. The vengeance fucking that would go on if I was in a polyamorous relationship. No holes barred. I would be getting destroyed. Put a fucking Comcast remote in my ass. Dude, yeah. I'll take your whole football team.

I think everybody's hard now. You don't pick up a phone call, she's out. She's going out to fuck. She's blowing a dude in a Wendy's drive-thru. How come you didn't text me back? The thoughts that would go through your head. And then you have to have that fight where it's like, you just fucked him because I didn't answer your text

and you say no I didn't well yeah that's the other thing it's like you have to be completely open about who you did sleep with it's not just like do whatever you want it's like no no no we have to put it on record it's like the mob we have to put it on record

that I slept with this guy and he has to let me know and then she has to let you know and yeah yeah if she's just like bad news it's too much bad news for a relationship like a pro athlete and you just slam some irish fucking meat wagon yeah just from the bar you're like ah fuck burger what's equal i get like two or three it's never equal You just split a burger with a freckled swamp monster finger in a parking lot of Arby's and you're like, well, what did you do to the little baby?

She's like, well, I met my man. It's over. Is that like 10 o'clock or whatever that club is? I went to the moment, slurped soy milk out of my fucking nostrils. Dude, but yeah, I got a little fucked up. I was getting fucked up and then I was hanging out with DeRosa

last night and he was hammered and then somehow the idea of playing beer pong came up and dude, it lit a fire under DeRosa's ass. DeRosa was talking so much shit. Before we even got on the table,

he was sitting at the bench just staring at the two people that we thought we were going to play. We were like an old couple just having a drink. No, they were getting chippy too. Oh, that's great. They were getting chippy too. Which I think there was like staff. So then he was like, they were playing with water cups.

Who? They were playing beer playing with water cups. Who? They were playing beer pong with, like, water in the cups instead of beer. I understand why. I don't know, but that pissed DeRosa off. That was pissing me off. Yeah, yeah. I was fired up about it, too. So then we changed everything.

We got new cups, put beer in it. And then I saw him talking shit, so I'm starting to talk shit. What's the fucking, what's the penalty? You'd sip, you'd sip a beer on the side. Wait, so you hydrate with the water that you hit

and then you sip a beer? No, you don't, they don't, you don't drink the water. You just remove the cup. This is ridiculous. I know.

Just the whole state started to get fucking pickled. I know. And Ari showed up right as we were in the middle of this like, this whole thing. Took a shitload of the cups. He was like, oh, that's

fucking ridiculous. He started getting all fired up. Dude, the tension of this game was intense and we were shit-faced. So you actually played beer pong? Oh, we played. Did you know who the people you were playing? No, but we wound up getting in a fight with them. That's hilarious.

And it was just people that worked there. And yeah, well, we were like, no, we don't have headphones. I wish. I wish we figured that out. So we're just flying naked with the audio. Yeah. Are you guys professional? Well, what happened was we were ahead,

and then DeRosa was fucked up, and he was knocking cups over. He was knocking our own cups over. See, this is why you drink with beer. Yeah, so he knocked our own cup over. Yeah, you want somebody walking around like a cup. And then we were like, come on, dude. We're shit-faced.

Let's just put it back. And they're like, no, game's over. And we were fucking screaming at him. We wouldn't shake hands with him after the game we were such sour pussies we're like no no no they were like trying to shake our hand we're like no i like that that's a thing you have to shake hands after the game and then the national anthem of course it's a very official drinking game. It's a full lineup.

It's a Stanley Cup. How old were they? They were probably in their 20s. Disgraceful. Disgraceful. They were probably at the Bruce Springsteen Jew Bowl concert. They don't drink. I don't think so.

I think they were probably working at the cellar. Yeah, probably. I left after that. Yeah, probably. Yeah, that was... And then I just left after that. Oh, my God. Yeah. You did yourself a favor. Yeah, dude.

It was so fire. Because DeRosa probably went to whiskey after that. All right, enough beer. It's five. Let's go whiskey. Whiskey and breakfast. DeRosa was nice, though. He was draining cups.

Yeah. If he wasn't knocking cups over we probably would have won that game if if anyone perks up when you say beer pong you know they're fucking stuck dude it's a college game it's a college game but if you're over 40 i'm like hell yeah like you've been waiting to hear that question don't doubt their abilities. The fire. Locked. Beer pong at 50. Oh my God. The insides get ruined. You go to your doctor the next week.

He's like, what are you doing, dude? What are you doing? Beer pong. Stella Artois. That is the weird 50-year-old thing. Just fucking chugging Stellas. He's going there for a new hemorrhoid removal. He's like, sorry, man.

I've been doing well at beer pong. Just going to every frat party, bagging your chest. Dude, the fucking beer pong in college was, like, so retarded that, I'm sorry, so insane. Like, these guys would, it wouldn't be, like, it wouldn't be a drink. It would be, be like half cup yeah they would just blow it out of the water and they're all like baseball dudes yeah it's just i remember i don't remember beer pong is the one where you throw the ball into the thing

and then you have to drink it or something like yeah well actually no but i'm not sure because we used to play flip cup yeah yeah flip cup was Flip cup was the game. Yeah, flip cup is a way more fun game. Yeah. I think it's technically called Beirut. I think beer pong is actually where you have four pitchers, like one in each corner of a ping pong table, and you like hit them back and forth and try to get the ball into the pitcher.

Oh. That's technically what beer pong is. What? Yeah, Beirut is the game where you like throw the ball into the cup. Beirut? Yeah. Hmm. Very racist, Christopher. Yeah, Beirut is the game where you like throw the ball into the cup. Beirut. Yeah. Very racist, Christopher.

I'm just saying, that's what it's called. I don't know why it's called Beirut. You ever played Iraq where you just take out a small child for no fucking reason? This is a game called the Falkland Islands. You just crow hop a stone into a child's forehead. Like, well, you shouldn't have been wearing that grenade beirut it's not called beirut it is called beirut it is look it up in the international look at that international game of we have a new producer now dude this is like well he doesn't know it yet yeah he doesn't know yet but we're fucking locked and loaded with fact checkers dude yeah what he's on the case.

I've had a nice day today. I've had a couple nice days. You're not too hungover? No, dude. Like I said, I managed to keep it pretty light. I avoided drinking beer for the first two and a half hours. That's good. Then I had a couple Bud Lights,

had a whiskey ginger, got in a fight at the bar. It was a good start. I're such like a nice person like how do your fights look like does it get does it get go from zero to 60 great question uh yeah i also i'll also like latch on to people's moods real quick so like the moment i saw derosa go into like game mode i I was like, yeah. And I started running my mouth. It was just, it was bad. Yeah.

Yeah. Dude, and he was. Dude, he was. You just talk to an old waitress, you're like, I'm horny now. Just keep morphing into all these emotions. It was so bad. Well, did you, you won, you lost. We lost in the end because we knocked our cup.

And it was only one game. Where did you set up? They had a, they had like a professional, like beer pong table. Oh, okay. All right. I thought you and. Was it between the psychic and the tattoo?

This is becoming less a party, more of a carnival every year. Dude, there was a, there was a comic. Coney Island. Yeah. There was a comic that got a tattoo there. Like their first tattoo of their life. That's so gay.

And it was like a mouth with a heart through it. Tell me it was a microphone like wrapped around his fucking wrist. With barbed wire. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just edgy comedian.

Damn, dude. Anything worse than a barbed wire tattoo around your fucking bicep. Kill yourself. No, I'd like a picture of myself with a tape, a replicep. Kill yourself. No, I'd like a picture of myself with a tape, a replice tape around my mouth.

Oh, caution. I'm saying what you guys are thinking. Right. I like that. You can't say this at work. Did you have trouble, Michael? We'll jump right into it because this is kind of along the lines here.

Your new album. Give it a little promo right now. It's a new special. It's on YouTube right now. It's called The Attractives directed by my good friend Nate Bargatze and produced in association with

800lb Gorilla so it's on YouTube for free let's go please watch it please share it Zany's Nashville right? so you get through this douche chills like worrisome thing about like what's the cover what's the what's the title yeah that shit's yeah let's go through all that yeah

what are we gonna call it then you just have a bunch of you just annoy your friends yeah ask and i'm like what do you think it should be called what do you think the album cover should because we don't know any of this no it. It's like, we're just doing the, it's hard enough to come up with the material and to craft it and to edit the special. You get tired of doing that. And then the other stuff, it's like, fortunately 800 pound gorilla was awesome.

And they were like, here's some mock-ups here. Choose from this. Like, what about this? Any notes on this? It's like, they kind of just set the table for you to make these decisions.

Yeah. Where the rest of it is just like, I mean, I have no idea what this even should look like. Dude, yeah. That seems like an absolute, looking at a picture of myself. Hell. Yeah.

Absolute hell. Any notes on this? It's like, get a different body. Get a whole different body. Call my parents and curse them. But you know, it's even listening to your setback. It's like, dude, I don't want to do this. Watching a tape of yourself again.

It's like, I don't want to. But it's having to watch an hour and just like keep watching it. And it's like, ah, it's painful. And at the end of it, you don't even know what's what. It's like, is this even good anymore? I thought it was at the beginning. Now it's like, I've seen it so many times.

It's like, you need to bring somebody else in to like look at it. Yeah. Did you bring a buddy in? Yeah. Ben Rosenfeld who's nice great yeah so he's a very technical guy and also he's autistic but he's also a comic too so it's like well that's doubling down he like knows where things should go and how things sound better so it it's like, yeah. That's the genius of Chris coming up with Stuff Island. He just went into a business name generator

and just put Stuff. Did he really? Yeah. We were having this conversation like, what the fuck are we going to call this? I don't care. He's like, I don't fucking care either. He went to a name generator and put Stuff in. And Stuff Island came out and he was like, yo, what do you think about this? And I was like, it's kind of good.

We set up the Shane and Shane's like, it doesn't matter. Shane immediately was like, I don't want to read it. I don't want to hear it. It doesn't matter. None of it matters.

But with men 18 to 34, it really resonates. It's like stuff. I have a bunch of stuff. My girl's always telling me to get rid of stuff. It's crazy. And I refuse to. It's crazy. This sounds like my kind of podcast. My girl's always telling me to get rid of stuff. It's crazy. And I refuse to.

It's crazy. This sounds like my kind of podcast. Is that where all my stuff is? Then they listen to this episode, I'm like, it's like a bowl of juice. They're older. Turns out it's not my stuff. Lucy.

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I fucked with that one. Espresso's great. Mango. I don't think I have a problem with mango. I ate too much of it in Cuba. Oh, really? Yes. My shirt will tell you.

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dipping straight skull straight which is like that's like uncut coke for for a kid my age and my parents weren't home he's like do it and i was like i don't want to he's like you're gonna have to and he gave me a dip he made me put it in there and of course you're a kid it's like you're smoking a cigar when you don't know not to inhale yeah i just started swallowing i was oh my god throwing up for two hours dude i when we were we drank too much when we were in buffalo and someone gave me a lip after the show don't ever do that i i was like oh my god i'm gonna vomit i immediately just like fucking had to fish it out. For 15% off breakers, check out their and subscribe

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This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Take away chris all right fellas have you ever wondered you ever wish you were a little bit taller let's go maybe you maybe matched on tinder but her profile says must be over six feet maybe your date wants to wear heels but you can't because it will make her taller than you well i got the short kings covered with today's sponsor, Kinsuri. Kinsuri makes shoes that will make you up to 2.8 inches taller without anyone knowing. Look, girls get heels, makeup, and push-up bras. Why can't men get a boost in confidence too?

We're all the same height lying down anyway, if you know what I mean. Dude, look, we got them in. They are... Dude, the cut? Sneak is on 100, dude. You're getting fucking... I'm telling you, you can get away with this.

It's not bad. You can get away with this. Yeah. Yeah, it's... I mean... It feels a little bit crazy to be in high heels, but I'm telling you, if you want...

If you want to scam somebody you can do it you can do it all day long women are scamming you yeah fake eyelashes fake tits fake push-up bras high heels makeup dude but here's the thing here's my part i don't do all black sneakers because i'm not a fucking janitor yeah i'm not a fucking a black kid from a white kid from uh northeast philly smokes newport no but dude oh i will say this i went i was a barback i could get oh yeah i could get it dude yeah dude and if you're two point two that's a great call you're getting barbacks this should fly in restaurants yeah dude if you want to if there's a waitress you know that works at the same bar as you.

Yeah, she's Russian. She doesn't know. She's got broken English. You got to really. No, I want to say something. Because the consort. Yeah. I went on the website.

Because this is not my style. Chris likes it. I want it to fly. It's the options. I want it to fly. Well, that's a good point about the Kanzuri's because they have lots of good options they have slides that are sick I'm going to ask them to send me slides

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The site is already 30% off with our code. You can get an extra 15%. That's 45% off your entire order. Support our show and check them out at K-O-N-Z-U-R-I.com and use the code STUFF. Now, dude, I've been on a good kick. I've been meditating.

Oh, that's great. You mean sleeping? No, I've been on a good kick. I've been meditating. Oh, that's great. You mean sleeping? No, I've been actually meditating. That's great. And I fucking forgot how great meditating is. And what are you doing? Is it a 15-minute mindful? Yeah, I do like 30 minutes of just like... Damn, you better be

planning this around me time. That's pretty impressive. 15 minutes is crazy. What? I need 30 to deconstruct what that's pretty impressive that is very minute 15 minutes i need it i'm crazy dude i need what i need 30 to deconstruct that's pretty crazy yeah that's actually worrisome why you can go from no meditation to jumping in 30 minutes of meditation oh yeah you're not firing off like crazy thoughts no that's the whole thing is just like just getting outside of yourself for a second you're just witnessing your brain be crazy, and it's the best fucking feeling in the world. If you get into a zone where you're like,

I am not my brain. They say that takes like months and years of training. That's why it's called a practice, Tommy. Yeah, yeah. Let's teach him. Anyway, no. No, but that's really the thing. It's like you got to slip behind your brain

and just watch your brain. That's crazy. But your brain just comes up with all kinds of crazy shit dude being a drink you're not a drinker right i want to know your opinion on this even lessening my alcohol intake over the last week your dreams are so vivid yeah because they're like stockpiled they're back backlocked so you got to run through all these fucking things so when you so you get like when you're when you're drinking heavy you'll get like five hours of sleep you wake up and you're not really you haven't slept yeah so you're tired enough to like lay in bed for another two to three hours and con up and you're not really you haven't slept yeah so you're tired enough to like lay in bed for another two to three hours and conk out you're not really dipping into the fucking dream well right right yeah going to bed without drinking two hours before sleep and even

lessening the amount of alcohol i'm up at like three hour nap and i'm like i'll cut the lawn dude i'm waiting for the lawn to be long enough to waste my time. And then if I fall back asleep for like 20 minutes, I'm on a fucking adventure, dude. I am like, I am fighting every demon, every family member on the world and planet. And it's the greatest. I wake up like sweating and like, it was a nightmare,

true nightmare. I'll tell my girl and she's like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, just crazy nightmares. She's like, I'm nightmares like i'm sorry i'm like don't be there was it's fucking disney world like it's a it's a fun track yeah yeah i'm getting rest and i'm having a great fucking time dude but how rested do you feel after that circus happens it's not it's not it's not i'm rested after five hours and then if i fall back asleep for like 20 to 40 minutes, and I have that fucking jungle gym of crazy thoughts, I feel like I haven't slept. I get caught.

Maybe it's the REM stage. So I'm going to ask you. You stop drinking. Yeah. All your backlog shit. Same thing with the meditation. Right. I remember trying meditation because now I'm sober in the backyard i put my

feet in the grass like they told me out here that's what i got sat in a lawn chair yeah put my feet in the grass i called one guy the n-word and i and i sat and thought my start yeah that's your namaste namaste all right so i just thought and i started thinking i'm like my thoughts were so vibrant and like aggressive and like dark because it's almost like you're pulling old dreams right yeah so how do you sit for 30 minutes and not your your anxiety doesn't come up your fears don't come up are you going through that motion for different sessions? The exercise, like I listened to like,

I did like a whole program a while ago where they like taught you how to do it. Right. And the whole exercise is to like, you're not going to be able to stop your brain from coming up with shit. That's what it does. Right.

You know what I mean? Right. It's nonstop. Like the whole, like everything your brain's doing right now, like identifying me as a person and like all, like just everything in the room, like your brain does it automatically. Like you're not putting a lot of effort into like digesting what I'm saying. You know what I mean? Or like interpreting the words, your brain's just doing it automatically. So you're not going to be able to stop that the whole

goal is to just not get attached to any of the thoughts that it comes up with and just like see them and let them go just see them and let them go and just get to this place where you're just watching it vomit shit at you and just being like i'm not touching it yeah damn dude you're hot you are hot i'm not doing anything with that now Now I get why you get ladies, dude. You are. When you lock in, buddy, you are sexy. I was in the backyard yesterday. This is NPR unplugged, dude.

Oh, my God. Now for some acoustic. Let's get some acoustic guitar in here. Jesus Christ. It really is. Can you see my dishes? I love it. I love what you're saying.

That was crazy. I love everything that you're saying. I'm crazy. I love everything that you're saying. I'm sweating. I'm hard as fuck. But to do it for 30 minutes is unbelievable to me, man. That's really great. I worry about how much I like it because it's like I'm wary of it. I don't want to turn into like some hippy-dippy person.

If you come out of that bedroom with a ponytail or nothing else to go through the room dude i do i was literally like after after i've because i've been doing for a couple days and like after after today i was like it reminded me of you remember that like kermit the frog song dude for the rock song where he's like he wishes he could live on the moon? No. But then he's sad because none of his... Of course you don't. And if you do, you keep your fucking mouth shut. What is that question?

Have you ever, Michael, how old are you, Mike? I'm 50. You're 50 years old. Imagine, in 50 years, I guarantee you've never heard that question. Do you remember that Kermit the Frog song? That's so insane. He's trying to tell you he's the fucking Dalai Lama without sucking on kids' time.

He knows Kermit the Frog's entire album. Remember track two on Kermit the Frog's first album? Not his second one, his first one. Kermit in Belfast? You ever seen that? Live in Belfast? Yeah. Live at Elmo Combo.

It's a great song because it's about how he wishes he could live on the moon, but none of his friends are up there. You get lonely. But can I ask you a question? It's like it seems like you're doing it naturally, but where I get caught up is I'll attach to the thought and then get caught up in the thought and then realize that I'm caught up in the thought and then detach from the thought and then get caught up in the thought and then realize that

i'm caught up in the thought and then detach from the thought and then come back yeah and then get caught up in another thought that's the whole thing but that's a lesson though but it's not just as much as like maybe you're a special guy because you're just letting them all go i get caught up in them i have to stop realize i'm caught up in it get back to getting behind it and then letting it roll again. But I'll get – depending how active your brain is, you'll get caught up in them frequently. Oh, you do. You do.

That's why it's like it takes – it's not like a whole 30 minutes of just like in the zone. It is like you get maybe five good minutes of like really being like – But I thought that's why you did it for 30 because i thought you did it you had that you had that where you were following them the first like 15 or 20 but the last 10 maybe i've heard this about other people they they're just they're in a zone where they're just letting it yes yeah yeah and once you once you're there it's like oh it's the fucking best what is the but i don't i i never get to go that long i mean it's like it's so hard to not dude i was in the backyard i was getting bit by mosquitoes and i was just like it doesn't matter

i'm getting bit by mosquitoes in my brain in my brain was a raccoon hump in your leg obviously my brain's going like you're a fucking idiot dude you don't even meditate that much you're gonna get bit by mosquitoes now you're just getting're going to be scratching that forever. You know what I mean? And I'm like, just let that. I'll deal with that. There is no future. There is no past.

There is just my moment. Yes, yes. There is just right now. And now there's a bunch of drunk mosquitoes. That's exactly what I am. I'm the largest mosquito he's ever been bitten by. He has a fun night and then I wake up in the morning like,

do you think we should get new silverware? And he's like, shut the fuck up. Or silverware's different sizes. We don't need medium forks. I need small forks. I'm going to do it with you. You got to do it in separate rooms. What?

You got to do it in separate rooms. Can't sit on your lap. I remember, Dude, yeah. You got to do it. You got to do it. Do it in separate rooms. What? You got to do it in separate rooms. Just trying to meditate in the same room. Yeah. Can't sit on your lap and do it. I remember I had a girlfriend one time that was like, let's meditate together. And I couldn't do it. Yeah.

I was like, I remember just sitting across from her because she like wanted to do it a certain way. And I was just like, shut the fuck up. The whole time I was like, ugh. And then I'm thinking just about what's in her head. Right. Now I'm fighting off two sets. You're thinking about how to break up with her? Open relationship.

Wouldn't that be great if like a year later you realize that was just youth speak for anal the whole time she did it? She's like, I want to meditate together. And you're like, I think we should be in separate rooms. She's like, oh, fine. I'll let my friend Roy from work fuck me nice uh but i do that um i do a breathing practice so it's like i'm focusing you gotta focus for me i have to focus on something so i focus on the breath yeah you know that helps a ton because it is just like it's like and there's this thing now i don't

know if you've uh i'm a psycho and i look at all the research about shallow breathing about how we're not breathing correctly yeah and uh it's like i don't i wish i would have had that when i was like competing like wrestling and stuff like it's like doing that but like before a match or whatever just so that you have that in your tank yes when you're you know was this a dude on roan that said like, I saw a clip where he said like, if you breathe deep twice, but interrupt your second deep breath with all you have,

and it expands your lungs and releases something that like changes your composition. Yeah, it can bring you up. Huberman is like that. He's a neuroscientist who does it, but it's Wim Hof. I don't know if you've heard of Wim Hof. Yeah, yeah.

He's the ice man. He takes cold showers. He does all this amazing, crazy, superhuman stuff. Yeah, where he swims. Runs Mount Everest with no shoes on. He can swim. I can stay in freezing water. They injected him with Ebola or something,

and he was able to weather it with his breathing practice. Jesus Christ. I love stuff like that that can you imagine hanging out with that guy yeah it's got to be the worst there's just the fucking worst there's got to be it's got to be hosting a super bowl party it's like dude everybody needs an ice bath let's get some shitty soft wings yeah yeah there's like name tags on the cold plunge. It's like, pussy, I was at LA Fitness today. I'm good, baby. I'm trying to get blacked out.

Fuck your wife. Dude, that is the thing. That is the dangerous part about meditation and getting into that stuff because it does work really well, but there's some some thoughts that come along with it that are like this is fucking corny as fuck yeah do not let this become part of your personality of course yeah do not like yeah i think that's a safe thing

that's like a like don't talk about it on a podcast yes yes yes like right now. No, I want the listener to know I am on guard. That is, that is, that is. I only meditate after I do a bunch of shots and beers. I'll tell you that much. It's so true. It's like, even if you don't have older brothers, pretend you hear them in the back of your head going, don't be gay.

You're being real corny. That is the number one thing that interrupts. Like if I'm in the zone. I feel like the most frequent thought is just like, that's fine. That's so corny. You know what I mean? You'll judge yourself or, like, you'll start just judging other people. Yeah, I'll judge myself where it's like, that's a slippery slope.

Because you slip into those, like, those I am not myself kind of, like, ideas. When you're just like like shut the fuck up dude just don't just let this be helpful and don't don't let it change you know what i mean just only take the good part yeah yeah you like drinking boone's wine and throwing darts at nudie magazines dude know who you are yes yes yes i do i do i do i do try to stay conscious of that where it's just like, it's nice to be outside of yourself for this moment, but we have to go back in.

We do have to go back in. We have to go back in. I love that. We do have to go back in. Yeah, because when someone's breaking your ear about something, you're like, all right, dude, I get it. It's the same thing with like gluten or like is that processed food? It's like, I don't know.

We live in New York. There's no farms. So it's all processed to some extent. You know, it's like, I get it. And I'm into all that stuff and I get it, you know? It came across the GW. In a shitty truck. Yeah, it's like having a five-star hotel breakfast,

like a continental breakfast in like Aruba. And then you're like, pump the brakes. You're gonna be eating fucking Fruity Pebbles in like Aruba, and then you're like, pump the brakes, you're going to be eating fucking fruity pebbles in like 48 hours. Just remind yourself you stole a piece of shit. You still have an Eagles tattoo on your right calf, you fucking loser.

You're not figuring out the life. You're the same guy who thought that was a great idea. Yeah. For a month, you're like, look at this baby look at this tell me what it looks like from that angle but that's why it's not you got to spend 30 minutes a day being like i'm not that guy yeah and then you get back and you go i am that guy fuck but okay damn dude but it was nice but i'm the best version of that guy i can leave it yeah. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's not this all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get a couple moments in the backyard

getting bit by mosquitoes when I'm not this guy. I feel like this is like, it's kind of equivalent to like athletic achievements. You know what I mean? Like at my age going on the beach, I'm excited. This is the first day of summer in my life right now. But like I'm excited to go to the beach

and just toss a ball around. I thought you meant take off your shirt. No. Well, yeah. Yeah. Come on, Michael. Show people what's up. Tommy Pope.

This is going to cut back like three yards, dude. I'm throwing by myself into a trash can at 50. You know what I'm saying? Not age. 50 yards, baby. That was also the thing I was thinking where I was today. I was like, damn, I feel great.

This meditation is really working. And then I was like, or maybe it is 77 degrees. Or it's just a beautiful spring day. That's such a great thing. It turns out it's just the weather. It really was the first beautiful day of the year. It was so nice.

I think I got off at the wrong stop and I had to walk 20 minutes. It wasn't even, I was like, this is of the year. I think I got off at the wrong stop and I had to walk 20 minutes. I was like, oh man, this is great. I mean, your fucking hair is unbelievable. You got a Mexican hairline and it's gorgeous, baby. Perfect. Your fucking hair can protect the borders. It just keeps coming, baby.

This is nuts, dude. It keeps coming. Have you ever seen a bald Mexican that doesn't shave it on purpose to be in a gang? No. Exactly. It's crazy. I didn't even understand what you said.

Did I ever see the bald Mexican? Mexicans don't go bald. They got hairlines like this. Squared off. Some of them have to go bald. Like a black inner city teen. Look at the square on this guy. I know.

He's not Mexican. Mine are fading like you have a little parking spot back here. Like cold as hell. No, you got a great hairline. It's okay. Yeah, you do. great hairline. It's okay. It's nice hair. But my aunt sent me a picture of us as a young, like when we were all young, we're a family all together.

And it's like, oh my God. Like I just had a mop. And my mother refused to get me haircuts. I was like, please, we're in Florida. Get me a haircut. It's a hundred. And she was like, but it looks so cute. It's like, I can't breathe. Dude, you're wearing a skullcap. It's crazy. Oh my God.

What I would do to overhear that conversation. Oh my God. Mom, I need a haircut. You look so great, Michael. You look beautiful. I'm dying. Trust me, when you're older, you're going to think about these times. Get made fun of. It's like, then they're not your friends.

They're not my friends. I'm getting bodied by a pack of Puerto Ricans at a basketball court in Florida. Of course they're not my friends. All right, what race did we hit? Muslim. No, no, no. Persians.

What? We don't do that No We're Muslim Were there any Muslim people at the Bruce Springsteen Bruce Springsteen

Come on Why not? Come on Why not? I felt Muslim If you're darker than a peach In a Bruce Springsteen country You're getting pulled over dude

That's why I took the train What did he close with? Oh I don't know It's three hours of the same song dude I mean You're getting pulled over, dude. So I took the train. What did he close with? Oh, I don't know. It's three hours of the same song, dude. I mean, I'm a fan of his classics. It's a bucket list type situation where I got offered a free ticket from a friend of Chris's.

Nice. And then me and my girl went and then Chris said he was going to go and then he bailed like an hour before. No, I didn't say I was going to go. You did. I never said I was going to go. You absolutely bailed like an hour before. No, I didn't say I was going to go. You did. I never said I was going to go. You absolutely did.

Dude, you got every piece of information about this weekend wrong. He also did tell me I met the girl before. I 100% did. I swear to God. Chris, I'll take a lie detector test. I'll bet you $1,000. I know that you believe what you're saying. You'll pass a lie detector test, but you're wrong.

Very smart, meditative way to get out of it. No, no, no, no. Looks like it's working. I believe you to get out of it. No, no, no. Looks like it's working. I believe you'll get out of it. What I'm saying is that your version of reality is incorrect. That's what I'm saying. Dude, I literally, this is what I said verbatim. I'll tell you what you said verbatim, Mike.

Yeah. He comes out of his bedroom in the kitchen. He goes, dude. Shirtless? Yeah, shirtless, of course. He doesn't wear a shirt. Yes. Chris is yoked, dude.

Yeah, I could tell. He has wide shoulders. He works out like once a month now. Really? DNA in his voice. I'm back in it. It's crazy. Two days in a row.

Two days in a row, dude. I'm back in the mix. I'm meditating. It's nothing to do with the weather i'm worked out twice my mind is clear i'm sharp he goes so my buddy's wife has tickets to bruce springsteen concert on sunday and this was saturday or friday and i was like and and he goes she can't get rid of them because it's Easter. And he was leaving.

It was Friday. And he's like, I'm going to my parents' house in Connecticut. I was like, why don't you, all right, we'll just go tomorrow and then come back Sunday. You can meet us there and we'll all go. See if she can give us all three tickets. And he's like, yeah. So as I'm meeting her, via text for 24 to 36 hours,

we're trying to figure out where we're going to meet, how we're going to travel. And then finally, I told her to meet at this bar local. And I'm like, yo, Chris, what does she look like? I just thought about it out of nowhere. I was like, I don't know. She's going to know what I look like. Maybe she knows the podcast or something.

But I'd like to know what she looks like. And then he laughed and then sent a picture of this girl and i was like i fucking know this girl and then right after you sent the picture she walks in i was like yo and then we like you know cordial yeah she went to a show in boston i met her in boston right which is what i actually said you did not say any of that this is literally what i said i came in and I was like, yo, do you remember that girl, Emily from Boston? Emily, I said, Emily, Emily. The two stories are so crazy. You're naming her last name?

This is literally what I said. I said, Emily Hosh from Boston. We hung out with her at the cop bar. And then I said, actually. She's also from Delco. Then I said, actually. Oh, nice. Yeah, so you say that girl from Delco,

you met at Boston? He's interrupting the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The 610? He knows he's wrong. The 610. 215-484. I was like, actually,

I said hosh, and then I said actually it's rumble because she married my buddy. That's a tough hyphenation. It's not hosh rumble. I'm saying it's not hosh anymore. It's rumble. I said all of this stuff. You missed the whole interaction the first

time you want to play beer pump that's literally what's happening rumble what her name is yeah hosh rumble it sounds like a fight shout out and also we shouldn't be saying her whole name on the podcast she's gonna get buried anyway that, she's a hero because she got you the ticket. Yeah, she hooked it up. Oh, dude. And she's the fucking best. So she walks in, you see her, you know her. Yeah.

Yeah. And I was like, what the fuck? Chris didn't tell me it was you. And he's like, we just, right off the bat. She's wonderful. The other part where you said I was going to go was literally, I was like, he was like, are you going to go? And I was like, no, I got to go home for Easter.

And he goes, what are you going to do? That's not what you said. Yes. You said, I still, you said, was like, no, I got to go home for Easter. And he goes, what are you going to do? That's not what you said. Yes. You said, I don't know. I have to go home for Easter. I was like, why don't you go home early and then fuck off like halfway through. The concert's not until 730. You went there for three days.

He goes, well, you're going to be there for two days early. You could just leave. Yeah. And I was like, eh. You said, yeah, we'll see. Yeah. Does Tommy understand the concept of Easter? It's like Easter Sunday. I said, yeah, we'll see. Does Tommy understand the concept of Easter? It's like Easter Sunday.

I mean, how good can it be? No offense. It was a nice day. I mean, Christ didn't rise and then leave and go to a Bruce Springsteen concert. I mean, he did. Although, I mean, that facts are facts. We came home three days later. Christ made Bruce Springsteen. The boys at Manscaped. I fucking love these guys. I say it all the time. he's christ made

the boys at manscaped I fucking love these guys I say it all the time I met them at skank fest and a couple other places but they're the shit I do like I smile when I turn on the razor I use the I gotta sneeze oh man blaring through the audio

excuse me the new beard trimmer their 2.0 beard trimmer is fucking unbelievable Oh, man. Blaring through the audio. Excuse me. The new beard trimmer, their 2.0 beard trimmer, is fucking unbelievable. Really? Yeah, it's extended the width of, like, the ball trimmer. So I was using the ball trimmer on my face at one point. Yeah, same. I still do. I haven't gotten the full trim yet.

I can tell. This year, spend your tax return on the important things like... You got a couple of loose hairs. Little curlicues. Like deodorant for your nuts. Manscaped has everything you need to reinvent your confidence. As I told you, I mean, it keeps us pretty fucking confident here at our address, which I found out is out there.

You've heard about Manscaped's performance package. They're trimmer, ball deodorant, moisturizer, and toner. That's what I got to get into. I use theodorant i haven't used the toner yeah what is it exactly i think it's just like it helps moisturize and keeps a good shape on the nuts keep it soft no it doesn't physically tone it it's a toner like yeah it's not like kegels or whatever your balls just tie to your ball sack and lift they should make a little electrode pouch it just goes just tight up your nutsack you've heard about manscaped performance package with their trimmer ball deodorant moisturizer and toner now it also comes with the weed whacker 4.0 ear and nose hair trimmer so you look great from any angle i use the nose hair trimmer ball moisturizer and toner. Now it also comes with the Weed Whacker 4.0 ear and nose hair trimmer,

so you look great from any angle. I use the nose hair trimmer once a week. April is also Testicular Cancer Awareness Month. Did you know that, Chris? Manscaped has partnered with the Testicular Cancer Society to bring awareness to testicular cancer, men's health, and early detection. Be sure to check your balls this month

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sucking on some kids dude i always knew that what was the backstory on that what was the back what did he say i didn't read the article literally he kissed the kid on the lips no i saw that i saw what happened there and then he's he's what do you say the reason he's saying suck on my tongue and he puts his tongue out for the kid to suck on the tongue. Yeah. And I just love that, like, even the fucking dolly is a Betty. Of course he is, dude. Exactly.

I don't know why anyone's ever been listening to this guy. This guy's wire to wire, this guy's life has been nothing but sunshine and fucking daydreams. Here's what's different, though. The dolly. Dude, he's such a little bitch do you i fucking hate this guy i remember i remember i remember like you met him at a yankee dude at one point at one point was he playing you in beer pong i've hated the problem with them i just dollying a little kid i hate the dolly oh water again Oh, water again? Now I get it. I hate the Dalai Lama. Money is drink. I hate the Dalai Lama. Well, it's different because they're considered holiness from birth.

Yeah. Whereas the Catholic Church, they're always perverts. They jump into it like Boy Scouts. Yeah. But why would you listen to a guy who's been his holiness from birth? He's got nothing of value to say there's no way he does if he says anything of any import is he's just regurgitating shit that smart people came up with yeah the guy is a fucking dork the dude he also did this thing because he was worried about china

china were like if he dies china's gonna be like we found the next dalai lama and is in beijing you know what i mean so he's worried about that. So he goes, I think in my next form I'm going to come back as a girl in the USA. It's just like, dude, what are you doing now? Now it's a joke. Also, that's a Taylor Swift song.

Dude. Also, this guy is, all he's doing is delivering bumper stickers. Everything he like, this guy is, all he's doing is delivering, like, bumper stickers. Everything he says. It's like fridge magnets. Can I defend him for a second? Everything is branding now, guys. Everything's branding.

Even the Dalai Lama. They have to be, everybody's in a competition for your roles. You can't even get through his merch link on his site, dude. I mean, remember the bumper stickers? What would Jesus do? It's like we need those back. I mean, Jesus had merch.

I'm on a backboard of coasters for the past 10 years, dude. They're going to put together a bunch of let me suck it t-shirts. It is pretty great to know that. His holiness. But I wonder, I wonder, I didn't read the article in terms of what he said he was doing. Oh, you can't. I mean, there's no miscommunication there where he was just, oh, I do know this.

They said it's common practice in Tibetan religion that it's a sign of, which is creepier. Of course. It's a sign of respect and like, I don't know, adoration. Right. To suck the tongue of a priest, which is like, they're all the same.

And also, I did read an article. Of course, dude. I read an article about why people think that these higher up politicians and global leaders get into pedophilia, and it's because they have access to everything. And the goal and the tougher tread and trajectory to something that they get off on is children.

So they parade these sock puppets around. See, I think it's the opposite. I think that if you're a pedophile, what you're doing- You gravitate towards that. Well, it's like the one thing you want in life is absolutely forbidden. So what are you going to do? You're going to dive into your work. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You did say this before. You're going to focus on just gathering money and achievements. Being the best at your job. Yeah. It's like people who have dyslexia, supposedly, are like they... Suck penises and children?

No, no. They have abnormally high rates of people with dyslexia and stuff in super high positions because they're really hard workers because they had to overcome this thing in the beginning. I think it's the same thing with pedophiles where it's just like they had this massive burden they had to overcome.

They didn't focus. Now I'm going to focus on this theory for a second. You're saying, Chris, what you're saying. I love how Chris goes, when I meditate, I don't think about anything. I put it this way. I mean, really what you're saying is that most high achievers are pedophiles.

Yeah. Yeah, I think so. What are you running from? Why are you working so hard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know Steve Jobs? If there's a big, big monster in your closet, you're going to run real fast and real hard.

Dude, Steve Jobs, they did a biopsy on Steve Jobs' tumors, and it was just full of Kid Com. Like, oh. Guys, we're having fun. We're having fun. We're having fun. Holy shit. It's just a scientific anomaly. Oh, my God.

What killed him? How did he get to that level? Analyze that gum. It's that kid's gum. Calcified kid gum ripping through his organs sorry Mike your album

I don't want to destroy your album but it's gonna be great it's great none of this is on the special got a couple auditions coming up but it's going to be great. It's great. None of this is on the special. No, no, no. Got a couple auditions coming up.

Yeah, your CBS comedy is on the fucking window. Mike, what are you talking about? Calcified kid cum tumors? There's a tongue twister. Dolly. You know this is an Apple TV show. Anything you want to plug? Such a child's ass.

I got to piss. Let's see what time. What do we got? Oh, we're cooking. I can wait. Mental toughness. Yeah. That's why I use my mental toughness now.

I go to the bathroom every 15 minutes. How's your prostate doing? I got to get it checked. I've been taking this raw paletto, raw stiletto. Does it work? He's taking a raw stiletto. Raw stiletto. Raw stiletto.

Raw stiletto. Look, I've been getting used to it. Oh, raw palmetto. Raw palmetto. Yeah, yeah. Is it GNC? No, it's in there. I can grab it for you.

Where'd you get these heels? Show your brain. GNC. I just get three girths because it's like the anal plugs. You have to like the training wheels. I just get three thicker heels and shove up my ass.

No, I've been taking that. Apparently, it's like, you know, it helps with the prostate. But does it help you? Do you have problems? Like, when you pee, do you do... I pee at night. And I pee at... Does your urine do a little three-pointer at the end when you're done?

Does your urine do a step back like, for the rest? No, I got a colonoscopy. I got it at 40. got it at 50 everything's all good with the colonoscopy but apparently it's like you got to go to another doctor for the prostate and find there's a t count or some kind of there's a count that you have to get i really got to get into it before my health insurance runs out yeah my health insurance wouldn't approve me because i wasn't 50 i got fingered i got the juice and all that and then i got a call cleansed right i never got to the cleanse because the date number showed up but they were like you're not approved for this and it'd be like three thousand dollars that's insane and they were like because you're not 50 i was like isn't this isn't the point of all this is to stay ahead of it right right right like i'm old enough yeah my mom's how could it

possibly cost three thousand dollars to shut a camera up your ass? None of it does. None of it does. None of any of it does. None of any of it does. It's all massively inflated. It's not real. Yeah, I could understand if it was like a special request from a sex worker.

Yeah. That seems like that would be $3,000. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's something she doesn't want to do. I got a snake cam. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll get a nice hotel. Yeah. If you asked me to drive a car, I'd be like, cool. If you asked me to change a tire, that's two grand right there. What I want you to do is shove this up my ass and then stand in another room and look at a monitor. Yeah. That's kind of my thing.

It's medical, but it's also going to turn me on. It's weird how it works. I'm turned on by discounted healthcare. Yeah. They gotta go through like getting a prostitute to do that. It's like, yeah,

insurance doesn't cover it. Insurance doesn't cover it. But thank God for you. You're a godsend. Make sure you hit record. I gotta send this to God. I gotta send it in a PDF. You don't know how to do it.

I'm old. I don't know. I'm 50. I don't know how to do it. I'm trying to get it in a PDF. You don't know how to do it. I'm old. I don't know. I'm 50. I don't know how to do it. It's a PDF. I'm trying to get a million dollar export. That's actually real. That's actually so funny, but it's real.

I would get that and I was like, okay, how do I send it? I got to get a social media person to send it. The fuck is an MP4? You're just trying to get a million dollar policy. You accidentally posted to your stories. Yeah. Posted to your Insta stories what is this what are you plugging

holy shit it's scary man and I can feel it we were talking about working out and you're going five days a week and it's just when I squat now I get light headed when I squat

and I'm doing lightweight I'm really bad at that It's just when I squat now, like I get lightheaded when I squat. Yeah, it's all breathing. And I'm doing lightweight. That's breathing though. Is it? Is that what it is? Because I'm really bad at that. Yeah. And I'm learning.

I'm watching because where we work out at our gym, there's like mostly power lifting dorks. So you see their breathing technique, which is just a – and then they go all the way down, back up, and then fully exhale. And so it's expanding your lungs. So there's – you're oxygenating your brain. So it's expanding your lungs so there's you're oxygenating your brain yeah so it's a full as opposed to going yeah and then like maybe you're right struggle yeah maybe you're right it also tightens everything up in there right yeah yeah

i could feel my lower back the next i could feel it and i was it was worse because i wasn't keeping my head up it's like you gotta for me i gotta look up at the ceiling. And then that centers you. Get there, get there, get there. But you also got that fucking crow magnet head. That's a big fat head. It's not fat. I can't count. It's powerful.

It's like a Dan Soda head. You have a skull that can't be penetrated by a fist. I'd like to try. You'd break your hand for sure. But no, when I wrestled, I had that Brillo. I'd have like Brillo You'd break your hand for sure. When I wrestled, I had that Brillo. I'd have Brillo hair. Grind it. Did you purposely try and headbutt?

Not headbutt, but I would grind. When you're tied up, you can grind your... I would grind my hair into that. It's not legal, but you can do it. You get away with it. In college, I would just get... You couldn't get close enough. i would just get they don't yeah you couldn't get close enough they're just getting snapped down do you still do you have like uh my father's syndrome where

you still think you have it but you don't like in terms of yeah yeah oh i know i i know i i still have it in my mind but i don't you gotta be dude you're still you still you're still in good shape i actually would like to go in i would like to go in, but I want to roll a little bit. But I don't want these young guys. I don't want to get injured. I don't want to be with people who don't know what they're doing. With people who know what they're doing, they know how to drill. They know how to do it.

But guys who don't have that, I need to overcompensate, I'm going to take. They're real tight, too. I don't want that. It's like light sparring for boxers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So how do you, is there an avenue for that? I would like to go to like, I guess an MMA, I've never been to an MMA gym, but I would

like to go and maybe see if I could do that. Yeah. Do you mean this or are you just saying that? No, I'm saying it, but number one, I got to have health insurance because if something happens, I got to be able to go to a doctor and not pay eight grand. You know what I mean? Well, buy his album. Let's get him health insurance.

So he can wrestle with old gay men. Get a camera up his ass. But I think that if I did it. Just to get fucked in the ass by a camera. I'm seeing a pattern here, Michael. If I did any semblance of that, like I think I would just drop more. I would just be shredded.lance of that, I think I would just drop more. I would just be shredded. I think I would really just shred.

Not everybody can be naturally like you guys. What are you talking about? You think this is natural? You know how hard I work? I drink 10 beers a night. A pack of gummy bears. I fight with my girlfriend. That burns 30 calories.

What's going on with the candy? Are you ever going to give up candy? I've been doing well. Wow. I thought you said you had two bags the other night. I'm back in it. But overall, the last week, I've been consuming a lot less. Yeah.

You got to meditate, dude. I think you can overcome the candy. But it's not even the pot gummies, right? It's just regular gummy bears. Oh, yeah, yeah, dude. It's like regular gummy bears. Straight sours. I go Haribo sours. I've been on this fucking, they're in the fridge right now. If, yeah, yeah, dude. It's like regular gummy bears. Straight sours. I go Haribo sours.

I've been on this fucking, they're in the fridge right now if you want to go grab them. I'm getting fucking worked up. You give them to people, you're like, is this a pot gummy? No, it's a regular gummy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, he comes home. It's just a regular gummy. I'm a sugar guy. Yeah. He comes home with candy that I'm just like, dude, who's making this, dude?

Yes. Who is making this candy? I swear to God, if I get to a level of like, you know, like Kreischer or fucking these dudes that have this type of money, I'll be like, hire me. I'll be in the kitchen. You'll be the candy man. I'll be the candy man.

I'll be the kitchen. I'm going to come up with some ideas. I've done the research. I know exactly what you need. Dude, they're doing. What's the research? All my years of gummy and candy consumption i know what it feels like to have someone on top of it it's like i see candy now it feels like the way old people talk about like weed yeah you know what

i mean it's like it's like dude they take like one hit of something it's like jesus right that's what candy's like now dude he came home with these things it's a gusher wrapped in nerds it's just like dude what the fuck is going on I want a documentary about this candy creator guys that are really crushing it at these candy companies

and they're the scientists that like just yeah I want to see what they look like I want to hear the struggles how they got there were they scientists to begin with I mean it's evil man that like just, yeah, I want to see what they look like. I want to hear the struggles. How'd they got there? Were they scientists to begin with? I mean, it's evil, man. It's evil. At the end, like the sugar, sugar is so addictive.

Are you saying it's worse than Big Pharma? The sugar? And the warmongering companies? Big sugar? I think big sugar is like doing some fucked up shit. Yeah, big sugar is crazy. But you gotta slow down. They trick you on the food. I grew up with the wrong food pyramid yeah

you need plenty of grains lots of milk what are you talking about it's upside down it's terrible it's like they just lied to us blatantly and then and then at the end of it like 30 years later they're like our bad yeah yeah they just there was no like apology it was like sorry not one teacher my whole life ever looked at who made this yeah yeah it was made by like general mills yeah you guys didn't look into that at all you think the cereal company's giving you an honest read oh my god they're the most blatant. Remember that part of this nutritious breakfast? It's cookies. It's cookies and milk for breakfast.

It's part of this nutritious breakfast. How could you even say that? Dude. It's during cartoons. We're all watching it. All the kids are watching it. It's so fucking good. When I see an adult eating a plate of like pancakes with blueberries and whipped cream and sauce and shit,

it's like you're having a birthday cake for breakfast, you fat clop of shit. Cut to you watching Intervention just shoveling new age candy into your face. Dude, it's that gif of fucking DiCaprio like... No, but that's what they think breakfast is. People think breakfast is that.

They go, oh, this is pancakes. The syrup's actually the worst. Syrup is terrible. It's heroin. It's sugar heroin. It's uncut. I won't even touch natural syrup. It's sugar heroin. It's uncut. Yeah, I don't even eat like, I won't even touch like natural syrup. You know? It's like, give me the fucked up shit.

Give me Aunt Jemima, dude. You ever have someone like, it's the worst if you go anywhere like- It's high fructose, the high fructose corn syrup. Yeah, I want the sludge that comes out. Anywhere north of like central Connecticut, they're like, oh, it's fresh. And they put just runny, watery

juice on your pancakes. And it's just like, this is bullshit, dude. Dude, I eat... This is fucking bullshit. I'm having pancakes. I don't care about my health. I'm eating the shitty stuff. At least you're knowledgeable about it.

People are delusional about it. They're like, yeah, it's breakfast. I'm eating breakfast. You got to have, like, that's another lie too. It's like, it's the most important meal of the day. You got to have it. It turns out it's better to delay it. Yes. And not eat until like two in the afternoon.

It's like skip it and eat it two in the afternoon. It's like way better for you to do that. It's so bad for you. I've never been a big breakfast person. It's like, it just makes you want to go back to bed no it's for children and old people because old people get up at like five a.m so breakfast at 10 is like us at two right yeah it's not real yeah you gotta you gotta fill these bags of shit up so they can go around farting each other's face you know picking their nose and and being

useless i remember seeing those commercials where they would have like orange juice and milk on the table and water. And like, it was just like, who the fuck? Wealth. Who the fuck is eating? Fucking wealth. Who the fuck can eat all that? First of all, who's eating breakfast at a table?

Yeah. You do get up and you're eating it in front of cartoons and you're doing it while your parents are sleeping. Yes, on your knees. That's the whole thing of, we don't have to make you breakfast. You go in you can't screw it up it's two things yeah put in a bowl yeah do you know how you like these moments

of trauma as a kid and they usually come with like pain or you know like abuse yeah or something that's so traumatic that you never forget we were sitting in front of our television and we still had that like giant like spin knob this is like I'd say like 84, 85 yeah you had to go like UHF and then go to like 17 and 29 we're watching cartoons and I'm fucking dude the screen

the screen is here and I'm peddling in dog shit cake like cereal just crushing it. Because you had to figure out how Tom and Jerry was going to end. Wait for the end. I wonder what happens. Miss Sandor is going to be pissed I'm missing homeroom,

but I'm fucking waiting to the end. Like just departed for a fucking five-year-old. So my brother's on his knees. He's eating the same dog shit and he fucking barfs dude he fucking he boots everywhere he starts throwing up he boots on weird tan carpeting which the only little kids randomly throwing up is the funniest so funny dude no idea it's coming no no little kids never go like

I don't feel that's why it's so scary dude it's like getting shot in the back of the head you're just throwing fruit all over the screen my brother's on all fours. He boots Fruit Loops.

I look down and I start booting too because it's hell. I'm watching my brother be murdered and I can't figure it out. And that's one of the earliest memories I ever had was just watching my brother throw up because we're both watching Tom and Jerry from like an inch and a half away

eating bowls of uncut sugar. That would have been great if you just watched him and just kept eating. It didn't have any effect on you. Just scooped it off the carpet. You're just a sociopath. My pug is in circles

diarrhea around the fucking dining table. My father, this isn't as good of a story but my father made grits uh one day and we had leftover uh spaghetti sauce from george from the night before we made he was making grits i didn't really know what grits is you know southern whatever i wasn't familiar with it he made them uh with a little bit of butter and everything and then he took the sauce from the night before and mixed it in and then put a little Parmesan on it and ate it. It's like, wow, we are real Dagos.

Dude, that sounds amazing. Take something like Southern cuisine and just to Dago it up like that. Oh, he put tomato sauce in it. Yeah, he put tomato sauce from the night before. Oh my God. That my mother, we had pasta the night before. He took the sauce and mixed it in with the grits and the butter

and put a little Parmesan on it and ate it like it was the morning after spaghetti. Dipping cupcakes in tomato sauce. Dude, what a lot, dude. I bet your skin was slicked like a sea otter.