Stuff Island - Cheeto Island w/ Andrew Santino - Stuff Island #118

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Andrew on IG: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/?hl=en Check out the patreon: https://www.patreon.com/stuffisland Go to squarespace.com/stuffisland and save 10% on your first purchase New customers ave over 50% PLUS free shipping on Provia’s introductory package at proviohair.com/STUFFISLAND Go to usejoymode.com and get 20% off and free shipping with code STUFF ISLAND Go to nutrafol.com/men and use promo code STUFFISLAND for 10$ off your first month’s subscription Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

first of all it's really good to see you guys good to see you i'm so sorry about the eagles and i mean that you just said start off lightning you're gonna do this no i just said i mean that i'm sorry did you really mean it yeah what do you mean i fucking i saw what happened last night too uh the nfl man they're great what the scripting they're so good yeah wide right yeah you know dude we all know why right you know there's a bar called Wide Right? You know this? In Buffalo? No, in Denver.

There's a bar called Wide Right. Because of the missed kick. Yeah, but it's almost like now they're trolling the trolls. Yeah. You're like, wait a minute. So you can't go, yeah, we're scripted. And then that happens. You're like, okay.

Pretty on point. And I could be wrong. So you're saying Bass is the best kicker in the world no but i'm just saying he purposely but he was he was money yeah yeah why yeah also this goes back to my point we've had this argument or conversation a million times there should be no kicking football i've said it for years i know larry david talked about it publicly but i've this has been my stance for a long time no kicking in football there should be a surrender rule you take the analytics of what the ball would be

if you did kick, give them the average. Just taking averages. Surrender the ball if you want to surrender. But on fourth down at the end of the game, you should have to go for it.

You should have to. The game shouldn't end on a fucking missed kick. That's crazy. The guy didn't play all day. And it's 38 degrees and now they're like, get up there, go.

But you got to reward people for getting close to the red zone. What do you mean? Right? No. No, the reward is the fucking is is the end zone just the end yeah but that you're taking away such an added level of drama and certainty heartbreak that's all it is yeah i would rather but i'd rather that went in the heartbreak is on the other you'd rather have no chance than have to deal with a missed field 100 percent dude i don't want a fucking kick to maybe win yes no that sucks to me i then have to deal with a missed field goal. 100%. Dude, without a stand-up comic, I want all the pain or all the success. I don't want to fucking kick to maybe win.

No, that sucks. To me, I want the fucking glory to be on the shoulders of the team that worked all game instead of the guy who played soccer at NC State. Yeah. I don't even know where that guy went. That's a great story, though. For him?

The Notre Dame kicker who was working in IT and then came out. This is why I don't like it. He's like a 40-year-old giving these dudes opportunities. Yeah, these other guys have been training since they were four.

Their dads beat the shit out of them. They had to go play Pop Warner. They haven't done anything but football. Honest question. Why are there not more Mexican place kickers?

Because they're, what do you mean? They're playing soccer. Yeah, I know. When they get out of soccer. They don't ever get out of soccer have you been to a park before they play soccer till they're 85 and they're fucking and they're yeah they're they're built like little milk duds and they fucking move dude that's a little pot belly mexicans right

poppy i wish i wish i stuck with soccer. You played soccer? I mean, as a kid, before you can play football. But you don't have a soccer body. No. What do you mean? You got to be taller. No. Look at Messi.

Well, to get somewhere. Look at Messi? Yeah, look at the greatest of all time. You're naming one guy? Everybody else has to be lanky, and you're just not tall enough. It's like tennis. You can't get to that level. Your little legs.

Your bow legs? No, that'd be fucking, yeah. to be lanky and and you're just not tall enough it's like tennis you can't get that to that your little legs just watching you like shuffle through the midfield that can't be amazing no you gotta have beautiful long strides down by me the tall guys have trouble well i'll tell you what you're not getting pegged no one's going no one's going between your legs there's no gap there's no gap you can put two balls through that gap. The boy wakes up off a horse. They're so bowed. Dude, the bowed. Yeah, it's really bad because it's like I've been wearing these jeans for a while and now the jeans are bowed. They hang like that when they dry?

That's so funny. Starting to get wears on the sides. I just think no kicking in football would be so fun to watch. The 28 years of pain and struggle made the Super Bowl for me so much more grand. Yeah. And without these dickheads bopping in, bopping out, and failing each other, picking it up sometimes, getting on top of these big, fat mongoloids on their

shoulders because they hit one. That's exciting for people. I get it. I just don't care about them at all. I think it's a different sport that's interjected into football. I know, but that's what makes me feel like I could play. You can! You cannot, dude. You can't! Why do you do this? I don't know. This is the whole podcast. If he doesn't do this, we don't have a podcast.

Don't fix this fucking idiot. You might be able to, man. There's still some walk-on. There's still some walk-on. There's still some walk-on team. You could play for something, pro. Can you do any stuff here? I bet you you could do... Pickleball?

No, you couldn't do pickleball. You got to be nasty. Pickleball is tough. I think I could get nice at pickleball. Have you been watching it, dude? These people are repulsively good. It's gotten out of control now. I got one.

What? What's the ice bowling? Where they use sprooms and shit oh oh curling yeah you could be a curler squad up we could get a bunch of dudes this i genuinely believe yes i think it actually happened and you would be the pucker because you're low to the ice already yeah you don't have to get down that far yeah you kind of could do it standing up yeah You wouldn't even have to get down. You would just let go. I'd revolutionize the game. Yeah, that's true. The first standing curler, Christopher O'Connor.

Yeah, everyone's going. By the way, did you guys see the 16-year-old that hit nine darts? Yeah. Incredible. I just watched a tweet. Now, I want to go to one of those. Those events are insane. I'm just going to bring this up.

We could do darts. What? No. The 16-year-old kid hit nine darts in a tournament. You know nine darts to win in- What? Just bullseye, bullseye? No, no, no.

Triple 20, triple 20, triple 20, triple 20, triple 20. And then the last one is triple 20, double 19, and then double 12. Yeah. Or triple 19, double 12. That's right. No, that's right. It's the coolest shit on Earth. You got to get to like what?

Five- Is it? 501. 501. But when you do it in nine darts, it's perfect. That's a perfect game. Yeah. It's only been done on our BYU. You got to get to like what? Is it 501? 501. But when you do it in nine darts. It's perfect. That's a perfect game. Yeah.

It's only been done a few times. Wow. I just watched a tweet where it was some fat, bald European that did it. And the place goes bananas. And then they updated this new kid. And you could see like the expansion of the fans and crowd. Unreal. It is.

Dude, it's a party. It looks cool as shit. It looks the way that our sports should be yeah that's the problem is that's that's a big beef with american sports are so expensive to go to now you don't get animals as much anymore because the animals are now they're now pushed off into the into the top pits of every stadium yeah no fun guys yeah now you have businessmen finance bros yeah like the ballmers building the new clippers stadium yeah they built this thing called the wall yeah which is like this kind of it's almost like looks like a ramp for just the fans and they're requiring i don't know this is

bullshit but it says only clippers uh fans can jesus christ be and they can only resell to clippers fans well this is the problem clippers are not nobody cares about them. Well, LA and New York sports, I gotta say I think kind of suck. I like this. Where? Go now. Where do you go now? I'm saying the fans. I like this. The fans suck? Of course they do. Like Giants fans? Just the stadium

experience is shitty. No, Giants fans are pretty sick. What do you mean? Giants fans? What's wrong with Giants fans? I like Giants fans. I'm just saying when you get in the stadium. Okay, you don't like Jets fans. I like Jets fans. I like Jets fans too, boy. So what are you talking about fans what's wrong with giants i like giants fans i'm just saying when you get okay you don't like jets fans i like jets fans i like jets fans so what are you talking about when you're in the stadium it's not it's like rarely those people you're saying fan experience doesn't have like raiders anymore like the raiders having the black hole or whatever that does but you got to go to buffalo you got to go to kansas you gotta go shitty cities got it shitty cities philly's got it well this is the problem though It has to be a city that's broken, that's shattered.

And has nothing but that. Well, yeah. What the fuck? Sorry, New York is everything to everybody. That's what's impossible. But that's also why these cities, when they have dynasties, people hate the most. People hate the Yankees the most because New York is the best city with the greatest history of baseball. Yeah, but that's only because that Ninja Turtle bought all the talent.

That's true. That's true. It's hard to like it. It's hard to like a stadium in Philly. I don't know. You probably never went because you were young. No, I've only gone to new stadiums. But you know of it, right?

It ended the careers of so many people. It was just cement with a rug like this. Yeah. It was like getting tackled at 25 miles an hour. This rug is a little too thick for what they put down. Dude, it was bananas. It is disgusting, those indoor stadiums. Even today, they say the rubberized AstroTurf that they have now with the rubber fill is so hard.

It's so hard on their body. They can't stand it. Those guys don't want to go down on that stuff. They'll do everything they can to get out of bounds because they don't want to get down on that hard. It's so hard on their body. They can't stand it. Those guys don't want to go down on that stuff. They'll do everything they can to get out of bounds because they don't want to get down on that stuff. It's silly. Put grass. Dude, Arizona is the desert. They grow grass outside and bring it inside. Every stadium should have grass. I think

fucking AstroTurf is insane. What is it? Expensive? Hard to put up with? Big fucking deal. They always have concerts. Don't have concerts. Put them somewhere else. Well, you can also... Taylor Swift's in town.

You two can play anywhere. Fuck that bitch. Hey, hey, hey. Don't bring that up right now. Hey. That's not her fault. Taylor Swift is the reason that they have to play on turf.

Dude. Ice hockey. That's her fault. Ice hockey. When you share a rink with an NBA team, they just, the water drains through it.

No, they just put the court down on top of the ice. And then they put the court on top. They don't just leave the ice there. No,

they do. They leave the ice frozen? Yeah. No. The floor goes on top of the ice and the ice, I know that. The ice will slowly melt,

but then they just refill. They refill when they need ice. Yeah, they don't leave it frozen. Yes, they do. No, they leave a rink and then refill it with water and refreeze it. No, no, no.

No, they don't. Shut up. I got to piss. Yeah, no, the ice is frozen there all the time. They put the cord on top of the ice. You just said it melted, though. I know the cord goes on top of the ice. That's what I'm saying.

It will melt a little bit during it, but that's not like a water ice, just the top and the sun. Just the top. In the off season. Yeah, but no,. Just atop. In the off season. Yeah, but no, the ice is there. In the off season. You think they're running this rink the whole fucking year? No, I'm saying they have an off season.

Kids got to go skate somewhere, baby. Yeah. My point is there's going to be a technology soon where they just whip out these lights you can buy for your plants. Yeah. You know? That mimics UV rays. Why?

There's going to be UV rays. Could you imagine sitting in a dome stadium and getting sunburned? What? Well, if they've got the lights for the grass. No, I'm saying just over the grass. It's not around everybody. Is it like this all the time with you guys? Yes.

Wait. Fuck. No, if you made a stadium. If you made a stadium. This podcast should be called Blind Leading the Blind. There's no facts spoken on this show ever. No, this is a fact. No, this is pure opinion bullshit.

If you had indoor plant lights as the stadium lights. He's not saying as all the lights. He's saying just down below. He's shedding it over top of the grass. He's saying if they got dropped down and then they were over the grass, then they could be raised up. Yeah, the way you put boards over the ice rink, it would just be like this UV ray light.

Like the fucking illegals do with marijuana plants. You're telling me Monsanto doesn't have the technology to do this? Of course they do. They're killing us day by day. Just grow grass on football fields. It's coming. We just need a lot of these young, talented athletes to ruin their knees a couple more times. Raise a little social awareness.

Things will change. I'll stand in front of a couple trucks on a highway who needs to be ruined that's honestly the real question is who needs to go because if Brady got hurt

at one of those things Taylor Swift they would have changed she needs to dance in that booth and blow a fucking ACL MCL all the CLs make her perform on the turf

I want her CLs going bye I want her rolling to stadium that could easily happen she's got a little bit of a duck duck walk if she got paralyzed man that'd be such a big I want her rolling to stadium next year. That could easily happen. She's got a little bit of a duck walk. If she got paralyzed, man, that'd be such a big,

even bigger tour. Oh, God. The Roll Me Out tour. Roll out. She's like, go, Kelsey. Roll out. Yeah.

Me and my homie. Roll out. She's just typing in her tears. She'd be killing it. Go, Kelsey. But I've been, have you been to a concert in a football stadium before? Yeah.

Okay, so we just went to Metallica. You did? We just did Pink Floyd. 98. It's the first time I did Whippets, my brother. Don't you miss us? Now I vape. Whippets?

Whippets? Whippets or do you have the tank in the parking lot? Tank in the parking lot. Okay. Yeah, but also you can get balloons. Some guys just have balloons. You can just go grab a balloon. Two for five.

You go Whippies. Balloons are my favorite. I would rather just take the balloons on the walk and then rip them and go. Some guys hang by the tank. You can't be a tank hang. Come on, dude. Well, dude, there's some guys that'll sit there for an hour and a half. I went to go see Metallica at the SoFi where the Rams are and charges.

And look, it was a gift. It was very nice. We were there. I got great seats. We were there. I got great seats. Yeah. But just, it's just watching a band you like

in a fucking arena doesn't do it for me. Yeah. I just don't care. Well, that's how Rams fans are as well. Like, nobody gives you shit. We went to a Rams game. It was Dolphins-Rams.

Were you there? Yes. So far? Yeah. It was all Dolphins fans. No one gave a shit. It was all Dol fans i know well the hard thing about la is because they've came and they went they came in there that's the biggest

problem with los angeles football was you had too many teams come and go i get that and then the chargers don't make any sense they don't belong there at all they should go to another market that doesn't have a team once they left st louis it's like well it doesn't make sense but also the real team in la should be oakland they should have never gone to vegas the only team in la should have been oakland true dude it's a dominant Latino market. That's who fucking loves the Raiders. They show up. They pack that fucking place.

Listen, I bet you this is a bunch of white old men that were like, how do we reduce the violence? Let's put them in a gay area. A gay area with a lot of... What do you mean a gay area? South Central LA? No, no, no. Vegas. Moving to Vegas?

Yeah. I don't mean like blowing dudes gay. Central LA? No, no, no. Vegas. Moving to Vegas? Yeah. I don't mean like blowing dudes gay. It's just like corny as fuck. It's all the worst type of people traveling and I'm moving to Vegas. I don't mean gay in the bed.

You think the NFL did it just to spite the Mexicans? Yes. The Portland Maine Raiders. They may have got me. They got through our gates but we'll fuck them with what they really want.

We're going to go crab fishing before the game, eh? Have you had a scallop, dog? You got a fucking scallop, dog? Yeah. And they designed the stadium correctly for the type of personality that loves Vegas. It's like they... Allegiant?

Yeah, they put like a fucking nightclub. It's a good looking stadium, though. It's gorgeous. I get it. Like what they did was right. But I just think LA should have just had the Raidersiders everything else should have gone to different markets that need teams something something yeah it just doesn't make sense i i don't whatever happened to the sending them like fucking minnesota to winnipeg london giving jacksonville jaguars to london i

want jacksonville i said germany that's all they have up there. I know. And they love that fucking team. I want to take that from them. That's all they have. You got to let those guys have something. North Florida, there's nothing there. Holy shit. There's nothing there. School shooters and dirty bookstores. That's where you need to move. I'll take over the dirty bookstores.

If you're ever thinking about getting out of New York, I think Jacksonville is your spot. You know, this guy would own a dirty bookstore and be a school shooter. Half the store is dirty books and half the store is just guns. Books and ammo.

Welcome to O'Connor's Books and Ammo. Where's the Killing Kids section? Who's that? Who's that? Nietzsche? Yeah, what do you want?

55 Cal? What do you need? Buying old textbooks on the side. Dude, you just pull one book it's all just flak jackets and grenades. Be honest with me, Chris.

You never bought a textbook in school you shared with other people. You never bought your own, did you? In college? I stopped. I stopped, yeah.

But you never bought your own. You always waited for someone else to get one and share it. Freshman year you buy your own. See, I didn't. I thought you were scum like me. No, I always shared.

I always found a guy that was in the class and I'd be like, let me split with you. I found a guy that I could cheat off of. I got my own books. It's the same guy. It's the same guy. We'll share the book. Leave your notes in it so I can see what you thought of it.

That's what I would say. Oh, really? How did you do it? Yeah, I was just sharing books. Not that I didn't want to buy them. I couldn't afford them anyway. But I also just wanted to get through the class without doing anything.

That's a fucking racket. These scumbag authors, they put one more preface in or like they change one chapter. Brand new book. Add new technology. Here's another $200 book you got to get break for.

Yeah, version 12, even though 11 was the exact same, but they put a new hardcover on it with more minorities on the front of like, they made it more look like the UN and they're like, it's more diverse.

There's more, it's not, it's all the same. Yeah, it's a community college book. And it was 80 bucks a book or something like that. And we were also like, they made it more look like the UN and they're like, it's more diverse. It's all the same. Yeah, it's a community college book. And it was 80 bucks a book or something like that. And we were also like, I was like still,

the internet was alive and well when I was in college. Yeah, but it didn't have the books. I couldn't find the books. Yeah, of course. They like, the internet was just popping off. When I was in college,

it was Facebook was born. Yeah. And that was the wildest shit because ASU was one of the like outside state schools that got Facebook. Oh, you went to ASU? God bless.

God bless. Dude, I said this on the pod before, but if you have children, just direct them to schools like that because they're not going to make anything of themselves anyway. That's right. Bring them somewhere.

They're going to have a good time. I went to an engineering school in Center City, Philadelphia with a billion Asians and a billion Indians. And look at you. Look at me now, baby. He just changed my tune. Well, because you can't network with them. They got at you. Look at me now, baby. He just changed my tone.

Because you can't network with them. They got their own... Oh, you can network. You just got to speak their language. You know what I'm saying? Oh. And you didn't date any of those women. Baby.

Oh, my God. Daddy did okay. Really? Perv. What? With the Indians? You didn't date an Indian girl. No, Indians are the only...

Because they're just like Jews. They're incestuous. Your nose is too big for them, yeah. They only fuck their own kind. You can't bring a wop home to a nice fucking Pakistani meal. Yeah, but you could pass. You could pass. I could pass for something else.

If you sat in the sun for a while, I don't know where you are. July, I'm Paki. Dude, when I'm here in the summer, I'm like, this guy's Albanian or something. I have no idea where you are. That's the one thing I'm trying to avoid. Albanians are the Jews of the fucking East. Okay, dude. This podcast is sponsored by Palestine.

Yeah. Palestine. Hamas. You guys let Hamas do a commercial run on this? What are Albanians doing? They're fucking nasty, dude. They'll get you. They're like those meerkat motherfuckers.

They're hiding and they just... They'll get you. This neighborhood's Gotta have some Albanians Oh yeah Big Albanians Yeah Do you tell people

Where you are That's how I know Apparently they told me Tommy posted our address On one time Why would you do that Because the package A package he really wanted

Was getting delivered And he thought it'd make A good story That's not how we got doxxed We got doxxed because Shane That happened Yeah that happened after Some fucking maniac looked at Shane's one of the podcasts

in the background was a package no no no and then looked at the buildings in the front and he narrowed it down I saved the photo he put it on reddit and he threw his he saw the windows

what are these people doing? Well, dude. Is nothing else going on? They like podcasts. Yeah, but that's so fucked up to find out where you are. Like, what are you going to do with that information? Nothing. I didn't give a shit until I had a girlfriend that lived with me.

Because I was like, who cares? What's going to happen? Now she's walking home at night. Yes. And a podcast fan is just jerking off outside of the front. God bless. I'm like, go somewhere else, like a spa or whatever. That's right.

Sometimes it's good, though. Why? This episode is brought to you by Provia Hair Thinning Therapy. They sent us some of this stuff. I've been using it, but throwing it on there. Yeah? Yeah, I feel volume. I feel lush.

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Tumbling around all sun hats and sun shirts Lesbian O'Connor Paint mailboxes Can't wait to get a camouflage bucket hat Old lesbian O'Connor. Yeah, bro. Painting mailboxes, picking apples. Dude, can't wait to get a camouflage bucket hat. Let's go. These guys will be pissed. Let the Vietnam era begin.

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And I went, Rounders ending doesn't make any sense, and there was an army of people ready to tell me why. Ready to tell you why. Yeah, yeah. Rounders is a great movie. It is a great movie, but the ending doesn't really make any sense. That's how you determine a Serb from an Albanian height. The Serbs around here are fucking giant.

They're big boys. They're huge. They're all 6'4 and up. It's crazy. What I loved about coming in on the Uber was that you still see women yelling out the window as their husband leaves. That is really sweet. I do see.

You don't get that in Manhattan. It's the beginning of a sitcom. Nobody yells anymore out a window out there. Here is where it still happens. Yeah, don't forget, don't forget, don't Here is where it still happens. Yeah. That's still here. Yeah. You hear that, don't you, in the morning?

Yeah, of course. That's nice. That's kind of like, it makes it feel more like home. You know what's great? It's like 18th century London. People are like dumping their shit out the window. Yeah, just poop out the front. Literally, poop out the front.

I was just checking out the toilets of castles in like the 15th and 16th century. Just big pipe down. It's a huge pipe down. They just build bricks on the outside of a square. Yeah. Castle. They just have a little hut that you just shit your ass out. And a hole just drops.

How fun would it be, though, if you got one to go all the way without hitting the wall? That's probably the goal. That's a good payoff. I wonder if they had peekaboo down between your feet. Well, they had a guy down there. Great job, sir! Too much is left, yeah? Thank you, Nigel. Wonderful excrement, sir.

Again, please. I told you the chickpeas would do a difference. No, that's where the spies would go. They'd pick through the king's poop and be like, he's not doing well. Is that how they know he was sick? Yeah. Somebody said they did that to Trump. They saw Trump's poop and they found out that's not doing well. Is that how they know he was sick? Yeah. Somebody said they did that to Trump. They saw Trump's poop

and they found out that he was sick. This is an internet conspiracy. Somebody went through Trump's poop to find out that he was sick. Wasn't it like dead hooker hair? They tested his shit and they found out he has severe diabetes. You don't know this rumor? No. How'd they get his poop? Somebody said that they were able to get some of his

shit somehow. They probably paid off one of the things. Somebody. Dude, what do you mean? They collect his poop. You know he doesn't flush. You know that, right? What? Trump collects his poop.

You've never heard this before? I'm not having any. My poop is too good. He makes somebody keep his poop. Yeah, no, he has, seriously, a category. In the wine cellar of the White House, he has poop. He has buckets of poop. He doesn't drink alcohol. He keeps poop down there in the wine cellar of the white house he has poop he has buckets of poop he doesn't drink alcohol he keeps poop down there in the wine cellar i'm starting a new conspiracy a shit seller would be sick yeah a shit seller yeah dating when you dumped and then putting it

up like it's not ready yet you gotta keep this one you gotta aerate this for at least a week and a half that's it you do know that right he's a big no drinker. He's a big, he's like anti-drinker. Does he look down on it? His brother's an alcoholic, I think is what I heard one time. That's why he's got this big beef against it. His brother fucking rules.

I'm a big Hunter fan. Hunter Biden? I love him. And we're talking about Trump. Trump, yeah. Oh, Biden. No, no, no. We're done with it.

Well, he's an alcoholic drug addict. I thought that's who you were talking about. Yeah, but I think he's thinned out. But he doesn't keep his shit, so we don't know anything about him. Yeah, he doesn't keep his poop. We can't test it. He keeps the shit of all the women he's destroying with that hock, dude.

I can't believe that he's got all that footage. I mean, it's so great to think, even in this day and age, people are still taking footage. Yeah. You're still doing footage, huh? Yeah. And he wants to keep it for reference. Well, you gotta. You fall out of love with fucking Victoria, and you're like, 10 months later, you go,

what's going on? I just want to check it out one more time. Oh! You filmed yourself, haven't you? What, fucking? Yeah. No. Chris.

I have. No. I know you have. Yeah. Like, that's not even, I didn't fucking, I didn't even try. You, I know, you've done it once. You were embarrassed.

You deleted it right away. No. I never did it. You've never filmed it once. Dude, I have this thing. You've never taken a phone From dog style Taking a little pixie No

No And in fact There was one time Where a girl I'm so shocked A girl I was dating Asked me If I wanted to film stuff

You idiot And I went No Why'd you say no You don't want to see yourself I just There's so much self hate You gotta take that girl to Zales

If she brings it up first Instead of you I think there was just like There was a couple times, with the same girl where I actually sometimes I've jerked off to imagining if I made the other decision. You've jerked off to the thought of maybe recording? Oh my God. Of like, if I had said yes, that would have been hot.

Wow. You can jerk off to that? Yeah. To like, to missed opportunities. Holy shit, dude. That's all I jerk off to. You must have a catalog, dude dude you're backlogged right dude i remember yeah there's well this whole career thing's giving me a lot of fucking porno to think about yeah there was there was one time dick's gonna be

in a sling in a year there was one time where we got in like a huge fight and uh she came out in like sexy lingerie like She went into the room, like stormed into the room, slammed the door, put on sexy lingerie and walked out. And I went, you gotta be fucking kidding me. You obviously went through with it.

No. What? You gotta be fucking kidding me. Post fight fucking is wonderful. That's how this guy lives. There's no way you don't. I start fights just that better. I know.

Where else does it go? I don't know. I presented it at the time. I was like, don't try to... Don't you try to break the tension. I'm not an animal. I am not an animal. I'm not an animal.

That's what he's beating off to right now. I'm not an animal. I'm not an animal. I've jerked off to Imagine if I had gone yes to that moment I'll walk out on a Saturday morning Like did you gain weight? Your face looks a little fat

You don't want a bacon egg and cheese You just want maybe oatmeal or something like that I'll get you oats I'll get you some oats You had pizza last night, you gonna do it again? Jesus Christ, what's wrong with you? I'll be right back fatty that's what you say when you leave i'll be right back fatty dude you can't by the way don't eat oatmeal or steel cut oats in the morning i just saw this whole thing about this nobody is no it's honestly you know what some

people this house is safe when people say when people say i don't don't eat eggs every day this dietician was like, they tested all these subjects of young, developing people that were eating oatmeal or steel-cut oats versus omelets in the morning. They had all these test groups. They found out that the people who ate these smaller,

these oat-heavy diets in the morning where they think it's super health-conscious, also with sugared fruit, but good sugar, but still sugar fruit, they were hungrier and snacked and ate way more during the course of the rest of the day than the kids who just ate like an omelet with or without meat it didn't matter so they were like it's incredible the up front it looked like the numbers were healthier but then within a couple of hours immediately they ate or snacked on bullshit yeah to make up for the fact that they barely ate anything in the morning yeah good oatmeal Oatmeal, it does nothing for you. Yeah. It's a crazy old lie.

It's an old fucking lie. All these new dietitians are like, fuck it. You can have oatmeal with something else. Yeah. That's fine because it is good for you. Right. But most people that just eat it, it's like, I'm just going to have a little bit of oatmeal in the morning.

I guarantee you're going to eat shit all day. Guarantee you. I feel like people know nothing about diet. Nobody does. We don't know anything because it changes every month. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it changes every month if it's coming from the perspective of a company. And you have to find out who's pushing it out.

If you find out if it's coming through, they're using the mouthpiece of a doctor as a mouthpiece for a company to sell something. I listened to this, some Indian dude last night doing a big talk on fasting, just water fasting. And he did 12 hours. Some people went all the way to 14 days and they obviously monitored all their... That's got to be terrible. Keynotes, ketones in the morning. No, it's incredible.

No, it's supposed to be pretty good to fast. Intermittent fasting is the best thing. Dude, I haven't lost a pound. We can see. I've gained 15 and I eat one big meal a day. I haven't eaten breakfast in years. Really? Maybe 10 years. Really? Maybe 10 years.

Unfunctionable without breakfast. Cannot, will not function. You get past it. No, I need a coffee and a little something and then I'm good.

You just need a coffee. Just keep moving. Nope. Get a coffee, go to the gym. You and I are different machines. Coffee, coffee in a row.

No, we're not. We're different machines. I don't think we are. You think we're the same machine? Yeah. You think we're all carbon copies? Once red, once black.

Okay, that's true. Are you having 15 IP're the same machine? Yeah. You think we're all carbon copies? One's red, one's black. Okay, that's true. Are you having 15 IPAs the night before? Yeah. No. Yeah, no. I've cut down the IPA calories. I'm only drinking three IPAs max on a day. Now, throughout the week, five days a week, I don't have any IPAs.

I drink on the pot. I drunk on the pot. I drunk on the pot. Go ahead. Red wine is the thing now red wine is how i slow down from drinking heavy shit and every day calories every day how many drinks a day i just got on this app five to seven yeah five to seven easy a day and that's dude that's fucking that's okay what time is it right now five five i gotta go to what three in the morning

it's pretty good baby that is pretty if you spread it out yeah yeah i'm off the sauce off it i'm 100 i'm clean that for your sperm i don't know what it's for i think it's for my i think it's for my ego to make sure that i can do it yeah i've heard this a lot i just did five days yeah it's been a month hell yeah dude that's awesome it's also nice i don't buy the bullshit though this whole like oh wait dude you're gonna feel so much better no it's been a month hell yeah dude that's awesome I don't buy the bullshit though this whole like oh wait dude you're gonna feel so much better

no it's not real everything feels the same it's all pride it feels exactly the same the first three or four days you go oh my god I feel incredible

I haven't felt the difference I'm not kidding no sleep hasn't changed nothing's changed I always go in 30 days I feel the exact same I literally feel the exact same

as if nothing changed you're not getting better sleep that's the only reason I would do it but you know what it is truly it's because my schedule's absurd I feel the exact same. I literally feel the exact same as if nothing's changed. You're not getting better sleep? No. That's the only reason I would do it. But you know what it is, truly? It's because my schedule's absurd. Yeah. Like, that's another problem with it.

It's like, yeah, I bet it helps the average person who wakes up, goes to a regular job, goes home with a regular family. Yeah. We live weird lives. Yeah. We don't live normal lives. Right. I was up till 3.30 last night after doing shows and doing this.

And then sometimes I'll be up till midnight. Sometimes it'll be 5 in the morning then I'm traveling and I'm on planes it's like we don't I think we can't slot ourselves

into normal scheduling I can't it doesn't work because if you try to do it sometimes I work out at midnight it's like if you all of a sudden

you got a show at like 10 but the last 3 days you've been trying to get up at 9am it's like I can't make it 12 fucking hours

have a few drinks and then another 2 hours after that that's an 18 hour night nurse night it doesn't, I can't make it 12 fucking hours, have a few drinks, and then another two hours after that. That's an 18-hour night nurse night. It doesn't work. It doesn't make any fucking sense. No, so I'm trying, but I'm telling you,

it's not helping. I mean, I'm working out more, but it's like, you know, I don't feel, I don't feel, it's not like, oh, my body's happy

that I didn't do it. No, I'm doing it just for, it's all ego. It's all pride. Yeah. Well, that's important too, so that you're in control. Yeah, I just want control. I just want a little bit of control. of control for me it was always i'd get like three days into not drinking and be like this is fucking incredible i can i'm

can you feel anything and then day five six i go i'm back you're on that you're just back to what that's fine dude i'm just like tanked last night you said huh no i just had one beer then two nights ago two nights ago oh no two nights ago yeah you're a bad boy we had that we released our beer if you want to try one oh but you're not

I'm not drinking what is it it's IPA yeah but it's a I saw online the can looks fucking rad isn't it great

you did a good job with that who designed it shout out Stratford our merch boys our merch boys they did the beer too yeah we designed a label well who's the brewery

Finback Finback yeah pass that can so I can take a look at it real fast well I'm not gonna drink one so just this one is a Well, who's the brewery? Finback. Finback. Pass that can so I can take a look at it real fast. Well, I'm not going to drink one.

No, I know. This one is a... Gets up in the middle of the pod. Yeah, he wants to give you the best looking one. I just want to see it. Yeah, I want to see how sexy it is. I miss you, babe. I know. I miss you, too.

I miss you, man. I only chewed one left. I was hoping to give you the other two. Well, I just want to take a look. So the sun comes down. So you see the sun coming down. Oh, wow. So all the cans do So the sun comes down. Oh, wow. So all the cans do this?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck me. I'm drinking again. Now I'm back to drinking again. Is this your phone? Yeah. Can I keep your phone? Wow, the sun comes down.

So what's the difference? It's the same beer, though? All the same beer. They come in four packs. Yeah. What's it called? Stuff. Stuff by? Finback. Finback. four packs. Yeah. What's it called? Stuff. Stuff by?

Finback. Finback. Stuff by Finback. Where's Finback located? Brooklyn, Long Island City, and Glendale. They're actual breweries in Queens, in Glendale. In Glendale, yeah. There's a place called Glendale, Queens?

Yeah, yeah. That's so funny. Yeah. Finback. That's great, dude. You guys are always on the cutting edge of marketing. I mean, the content is terrible, but I like everything else. I got a hoodie for you.

One of our new hoodies. You saw that, baby. Don't you worry about it. That's why the toss was good. You did see the end of it. You did have a great toss. You got a side spin if you're going to get it. But I was staring at your eyes.

I know, but you have to side spin it, so I put it right in your hand. You didn't have to move your hand. You clip it. Saucer pass. Saucer pass. Saucer pass. By the way, it's such a big deal to see how guys hand over phones to other people

you know who played sports when they were young 100% dude you know when somebody's like let me see your phone and they give them to you and then you're like here and you give it back to them

and they're like and they fucking have a panic attack and you're like first of all it's not gonna break it's the carpet it's not gonna break

that's my first argument to somebody who's bitching about a wide receiver missing a ball I'm like he's running 23 miles an hour that ball is going like this good luck

and he's being murdered yeah yeah if I tossed you keys right now you'd have trouble catching literally if someone tosses keys at you it's like not flinching when someone goes like that stay calm and catch it but i do love i don't even want to move my head my dad taught me one of these tricks and it blew my fucking skull remember we were talking about popping the thumb off a few weeks ago? My dad used to catch a ball when I was a kid. Like this? No, he would go like this and then catch it here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I was like, whoa! Oh my God. Who's the guy that used to do that in baseball, that he would catch it but put it in his hand? Yeah, yeah, his hand. Do you know what I'm talking about? He'd catch it with his hand, not his mitt.

I thought it was an Asian guy, wasn't he? There's a kid online that does it. It's on YouTube, but he'll look like he's catching his mitt, but it's in his free hand. Yeah. It looks like he's using his mitt, but he's just using bare hands. Holy shit. So he'll go like this

and then he'll throw right away and you're like, wait, where was the transfer? It's fucking awesome, dude. Baseball is, you know how I feel. They're Dominican magicians. They are Dominican magicians.

All of them. They all learn magic. When they get off the boat, you have to show that you can do something. That's how they show their passport. Pick a hand. Pick a hand.

Pick a hand. Pick a hand. Okay, wish cup. Wish cup. Wish cup. Wish cup. This guy's a shortstop, dude. You know I love baseball.

You're going to the Yankees. Baseball to me is still the most, you can still be an original weirdo in baseball. You can't be an original weirdo in any other sport. Now, football, you can still slide in and out of being like Crosby, right? Like that guy is like, he's cool because he's crazy. Yeah, yeah. But still, even still.

Is it though? Well. Is he crazy? You know what I mean. The media has done the dance with him. I think he's just a wig that wants attention. I think most of these guys are not going to say any other names

because there's a couple people that we both know. But it's like, it's a lot of attention because it helps their brand. Of course. And their branding. And it's not real.

And when I met a couple people, I'm like, this guy sucks. Oh, really? Meeting your heroes type shit? Yeah. Like I've met a couple people where I'm like,

this dude is a fucking dickhead. I've met a fair amount of people that I like. You know. Oh, okay. Well, we'll say it off the air. I say half of the guys that I meet, I'll tell you what's more impressive. When I meet someone that's a famous athlete that I don't think much of, and not disrespect, like I'm not a big fan or whatever.

I just know who they are, and they're fucking rad. Those moments I'm like, wow, I didn't really know you because they don't present yeah they just play sport yeah there's there's different kinds of athletes where a lot of guys don't present you just see them as the guy and you meet them off and you're like wow you're i can't believe you don't showcase this and they're like nah i don't really want to yeah i kind of want to fade into that's another good person well that usually that's that's the turnout the hardest thing is you think someone's rad you party with them once you hear some of the stuff that they say yeah bingo and you're like holy fucking shit yeah i can't stand you yeah i had no idea you were a fucking you are

yeah the cte is not even in yet and you're this piece of shit wait till it cooks yeah wait till the brain starts bubbling you're a fuck dude yeah because right now your days are still full yeah yeah you got time on your hands yeah yeah yeah i've had that i know but i know what you mean but i just say like baseball going back to it still when i see baseball players you can still be kind of a weirdo and they like it in the clubhouse yeah i don't think you can be a weirdo in other sports that basketball abso-fucking-lutely not yeah no chance in the nba because what is in the nba anyway it's fuck it's i don't even know what it is but the nfl they kind of still want you to fall in a team line.

You can't shine too much, because then everyone gets jealous and mad, and like, hey, it's a fucking show off. I also feel like the NFL has gotten so technical. Well, what do you mean? In terms of position players, like you must be this? Yeah, it's like everything feels so specific. Baseball is still a game where it's a lot of hanging around. This is why I fucking hate baseball and golf. And baseball, I love that like, so specific. Baseball is still a game where it's, like, a lot of hanging around. This is why I fucking hate bowling golf.

In baseball, I love that you can switch positions. I'm such a big fan of that. I mean, the Cubs used to do that a lot. We used to love moving guys around. Now, some of the guys hated it, but I thought it was great because you played every position when you were a kid. Yeah. Why not?

Outside of pitcher, you should technically be able to do almost all those positions. Yeah, yeah. Almost. Football's probably the second where, like, a lot of quarterbacks go to slot receivers or wide receivers. Yeah, but that's usually made up by, usually a coach sees you in college and goes, listen, dude. You're not going to make it. You're never going to make it as this in the NFL.

And they're so talented that they actually can transition to another. Yeah. That's crazy. Well, dude, Kelsey fucking, Travis wasn't a fucking tight end. Wasn't he a quarterback? Yeah, he was a quarterback. A lot of these guys shifted to these things because they go, you're never going to be this.

Yes. Which is, that's how testament to how fucking talented some of these athletes are. But I just like it that you can, I like baseball's old school, like, hey, just go to left. I like that. I like that you have to, that you got to do it.

It'd be fun to see it in other sports. If football, if you were like, dude, you got to QB this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be cool to watch them switch. The Patriots were the last team that kind of did that, right? Just send Edelman out to play defense. Well, yeah.

Yes. Play DB. Yeah, they were also, you know. Go ahead and say it. Go ahead and say it. A very successful team that played by the rules. Yeah, they were just like, they were the good boys. They were just like, they looked like a Catholic.

They felt to me like Catholic school. Like everyone was doing, you know, everyone was a good boys. They were just like... They looked like a Catholic. They felt to me like Catholic school. Like everyone was doing... You know, everyone was a good boy. Like Belichick walks in, he's like, tie that up. You know, I don't... Where do you think he's going to land? Huh? Where do you think he's going to land?

Epstein's Island, probably. They're doing it again. I'm going to bring it back. Season two? Yeah, season two. Netflix picked it up. That's where they're doing Fyre Fest out in Epstein's Island.

You know there's someone disappointed when they released the logs again. It was just like, I thought things were cooling down. Yeah. I thought we'd be back

there in February. I said, I think it'd be funny if you thought you made the list but you didn't, like a basketball team in high school. You're looking at Epstein's, you're famous,

you're like, what the fuck am I even on there? I was there. I needed a bump. Yeah, I needed a little career bump. I can't book anything. Squarespace. This video, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

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IG. They're all thoughts out there. Everybody's got their own workout videos from new york sports club every bitch is filming herself yeah like if you're even if you're like an accountant make a sick ass website that shows like the cool accounting stuff yeah but you do you do it like real hardcore like a goat with its head off what are you still on this no it's over it's over that's you sent them to our site or their site with a code yeah yeah squarespace.com slash self-filing oh i didn't hear that i didn't hear that yeah all right chris you're not gonna like this i'm also using a hair thinning product

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Sick. Back to Santini. Where is Belcher going to go? Honestly, dude, there's so many opportunities right now. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Do you just say goodnight if you're that guy?

I would. What's he need? No, dude. Please, please. Those guys. They're machines. They're machines. It's probably harder than a player to shut it down. Because what do they say?

You see that documentary about Vince Lombardi, and they interviewed his daughter and his son. And they're like, I didn't know I had a dad. No, no, no. Seriously. They used to say they would have parties in, in, uh,

in green Bay in the basement, you know, of their house. Win or lose. You didn't know the difference. You didn't know the mood was the same. Yeah. Cause it was,

he was so like even keeled. It just, that's a bummer to me. That's how I see when I used to see Belichick win and he would go. Yeah. And you're like, that's the win. Yeah.

Dude, have a little fucking fun. I've always said this. Collegiate coaches, dude, basketball, football, anything. They must be nightmare humans. Nightmare parents. Krzyzewski, too. When he would win, it's like he didn't even smile.

And you're like the most winningest coach at one point. I don't know. I just feel like they sacrifice love for family for the love for the game. Basketball, ball is life, dude. And I agree. New merch. Ball is life, ball is life, dude. And I agree. New merch, ball is life. Ball is life, dude. That's why I think he'll go somewhere else

because they need it. It's sick. It's like us, though. It's like when somebody goes, would you ever retire from comedy? It's like, I don't even know what that means. I really don't. That's what's really, because we're sick.

Because I like it so much that I'm like. Yeah, but you're also still, you're still close to your family. I know, but I'm saying, I could never see myself. Yeah. The end. Yeah.

Where most people kind of see an end where they go, ah, dude, I do got to like my, my mom just retired and took too long. She should have stopped working a long time ago, but like she was, couldn't wait for the end.

Yeah. And for me, it's like, I don't want to, I guess it's about your passion and what, what you're doing. If you like it for him, I bet. Cause my mom didn't want to retire your passion and what you're doing. If you like it. For him, I bet. Because my mom didn't want to retire.

She was a nurse. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did she? Yeah. She still works? She still, yeah, she's still doing online teaching. Online consulting?

No, she's a nurse practitioner and teaches nursing students at college. Your mom and my mom are similar in the way that they're like terrified of Alzheimer's. Probably, yeah. And they're all like, my mom's like. Are you not scared of it? Yeah, I'm horrified. It runs in my family. I fucking think about it constantly. Yeah, yeah. So am I. Are you not scared of it? It runs in my family. I fucking think about it constantly. I think about it so I don't forget about it.

As long as you keep thinking about it, you're good, baby. It's a real thing, so it sucks. I think about that all the time, especially because when you talk to your parents sometimes if they're older and they say stuff that you're like, we just talked about that. But I don't say that anymore because I'm afraid of it being taken because they get mad.

So now I just shut my mouth, which is weird. We talked about that yesterday. I told you I was going there yesterday. Dude, if I stumble over a word on stage or something, immediately I'm like, fuck. Well, that could be because you're a fucking shit face. When you go up there, you got somewhere to go for a fight?

Chris, slow down have you ever done so many shows that in the middle of telling a joke you're questioning whether or not you told it on the previous show that's what fucks me up when I'm on a weekend run and I'm working out stuff and I'd go fuck did I tell this on the first show tonight or did I already do this

you ever tell the same joke twice I've never done it but I've come close somewhere tell this on the first show tonight? Or did I already do this? You ever tell the same joke twice? I've never done it, but I've come close. I started it. Yeah. I've come close. Somewhere, it was like the third show of the night. And I had like a set and I was trying to move it around. By the time, like doing three sets a night, you're like, I know which one is like doing really well.

I'm like, you start to reorder. Yeah. So I put this one that was deep in the front. And then I got to, by the third show, put it back you can't do that in the end no i set it up again i was like what's going on you're fucking yourself when you do that i'm you i'm like you i change orders often yeah when somebody goes what's your set list it's like no no i'll just have a chunk that i work out and i'll figure it out yeah but i've touched the sun a few times where i'm like fuck dude why did i put that up there because then i'm lost and i forget

if i already did the other joke you You're 35 minutes into an hour. Yeah. And you're like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Especially when it's a thing that usually goes pretty well and it's not. The first couple beats of it don't get anything. That's what happened to me. Did I say this?

I hate that. This usually kills. Yeah. You already said it. That feeling's gross. You tell them, this kills. Come on. This usually kills.

And they're like, yeah, it did. Five minutes ago. We loved it. We actually did really enjoy it. I snuck over to the stand last night. I haven't been there in a while. How was it? It was cool.

It was fucking really rad. The basement's great. It's got that vibe. The basement's good. The upstairs, I felt like an idiot. I walked right into the middle of the room. I wanted to just go see the show. I didn't realize you walk into the room.

You're in it. That top room's tough it is the toughest it's either really great or easy fix put up a wall put a ball in the back and make it a door in the back back of the room it looks nice with the window but it doesn't give us a fuck about the wind what do you need exactly yeah no no because also put a window in it then yeah if you'd like put it two windows but make that walls and then you walk into the back that way're not. I literally slid open the door and it was silence. And everyone looked and I was like, I felt so uncomfortable, dude. I will see at least that's the right reaction. We used to do this place, the Raven Lounge in Philly.

It was just like it was in like an attic of a shitty bar and no windows, no windows, hellhole. But it would be like packed and comedy was going on and people would open the door into that and just walk in like what's going on here yeah what's happening it's like dude well because the bar the bar enters the weirdest thing that's happening ever that's philly and acts like that yeah what the fuck's going? That's because it's just And she is, by the way And she is She's like, yeah

How are you doing, baby? Yeah, it was two floors And like, it's People that know the bar Know the layout They didn't know We did a bar show Every Thursday night

On the upstairs So it was almost You had some hostages, too? Yeah So the idea is like You have to keep the rotunda going You know what I mean? Just to get some more some more heads in there but the years we were there it was a banger dude we used to take headliners when i featured at helium like yo if you want to

come i'm going just to hang out i'm not even going to do a set but you got to see this room yeah and they would go up and do like 10 minutes and they're like yo you don't know what you have. Is it still there? Yeah, but now it's all woke. Well, no, it fell apart before that. It was, the management was not great. The person that owned it. At one point, they like, in the later years, at one point they had to switch over because their credit card access got denied. Like they couldn't,

you couldn't pay with a card. You just had to Venmo. As far as they were stealing numbers. Yeah. I was just going to say, this sounds like a bookie fucking. Yeah. No,

no, we can't do a credit card. You got cash? Saving tax. Uncle Sam don't need to know about comedy. Okay. What's that? Visa master?

Get the fuck out of here. You literally had to Venmo the owner of the bar. Oh my God. No, really? For beers, yeah. It's kind of rad, though. Good for that fucking guy. Although now the government checks all that stuff. You can't get away. My tax guy was like, you know we have to turn in Venmo now. I was like, wait, why? I can't. Because now shows sometimes in LA, guys

will just pay you Venmo. I know. But I always say, give me cash. But now they'll give you Venmo so I shut down my Venmo. I don't have Venmo anymore. We're getting Venmo'd for the show last night. I don't like it. Just give me cash but now they'll give you venmo so i shut down my ven i don't have venmo anymore we're getting venmoed for the show last night yeah i don't like it just give me cash yeah and when somebody goes oh man i don't have any cash like then go get someone give it to me tomorrow oh really so if you have a promoter said that to me he goes oh man i didn't have time to go to an atm i go this show doesn't start for an hour and a half you got plenty of time i go you do have time and then he was like oh but fuck man well and i go are you in town tomorrow yeah i go go

give me cash tomorrow. I'll meet up with you at the coffee shop. And you can tell the look in his eyes. He was like, oh, he didn't want to do it, but he's like, I want the cash. Are you here in six months? Because I just moved. You got time.

You got time. Don't worry about it. There's nothing better than coming up with a solution for someone's lie. It's like the best feeling in the world. And you see the switch in their eyes. Oh, that can easily be fixed. It's just like

this usually doesn't go this way not programmed for this answer yeah they have a breakdown because I was like no I want the fucking cash I don't want to have to turn in a Venmo receipt to the government at the end of the year to go this is what I got paid in small shows around town fuck that's annoying

I don't want to W to a fucking bar show. I'm not doing that anymore. Give me the cash. Also, all these places are flush with cash. Comedy is making these nightclubs and performance venues so much fucking money. It's disgusting. It's like, give us the cash.

They're making crazy money. You see these tours that are selling out all over? It's like, Ari and I talked about that today. I was like, business, that's good to know. Business man. But you can write in insides now. That's a big deal. When you do tours

with these big companies, tell them, be like, I want an inside. What does that mean? Well, I'd like to bring stuffed beer to the new venue. Well, we'll have to talk to them. They make a deal out of it.

They don't want it to happen. But they can do it. But they can, of course they can. Of course. I'm bringing stuff and I want to do a deal with the brewery to let stuff be at these local places.

Especially here on the East Coast. Dude, this is what we... I've been saying this. So we have... Insides. Do insides. Ask them for insides. Be like, we want to bring stuff beer.

We'll do a split point with the venue, but sell our beer, not Bud Light. They can sell whatever they want, but be like, push this and put this on the counter. Of course. And we'll do a split point with you. Yeah. So they're getting money anyway. I don't think Finbeck realized like the reach we have at this level. Yeah.

Meaning like it's going to expand but like we sold that small batch like nothing. Yeah. Gone. All the comedy clubs like Helium all the Helium

you know connected clubs that are like well Go Bananas part of a chain or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Yeah. And they're all like

yeah well of course and they'll keep it on there permanently. So now it's just down to distribution. That'd be sick. Yeah. So Finbeck's like we don't usually go to raleigh we don't go to oh right

where all the clubs are yeah that's smart so are you doing a club tour of the beer we can't because they can't well we're trying to figure that out that should be the literal thing you do is like a book tour but a club yes the beer yes and if that were the case holding that up they have to it's a distribution chain for travel and they have and every club has a minimum they would need to buy in terms of pallet size. Why can't we just do like the old days and just do it? Just get a fucking white van from U-Haul. Seriously, what the fuck are we talking about?

That's what people used to do. Logging up a U-Haul. But why not? Honestly, that was the old days of this. The old days of traveling comics would either have a guy drive merch right for

shows yeah bands would do this all the time you meet us in that city you're in a bus or a van from U-Haul filled with fucking merch we just

talked about this we used I'm not kidding you should fucking do it hire a fucking 23 year old kid we have them well make that kid do it yeah I'm

gonna I'm coming on I'm coming on coming on board because I don't want this to not work. It pisses me off. Do you want insides on your contract? Because I haven't got time for that shit. You know what I want. You know what I want. Get jerked off at a band house. I want to jerk off to the memories of his

losses. We're going to wait three weeks, get your blood tested. If you don't have any, they'll jerk you off. Thank you. No, I just feel like... How'd you cut your hand at a band house? No, I sliced my hand. I sliced my hand at the gym the other day because I was not paying attention, saying thank you to a guy who's a big fan. And I put a weight down and it got smashed in between another way.

Yeah. And it just cut my hand open. It's fine. It's not a big deal. I cut myself all the time. Guys like me. I paper thin skin in the winter. My hands slice.

Dude, these are paper. Well, then look at this. Look at that. Look at that fucking. You see that little lump on my finger? Look at that thing. That's from golf. You're golfing that much?

I'm golfing all the fucking time. That rules. I want to be golfing every fucking day of my life. It's my favorite thing. I'm trying to sign a contract with these guys to get me on this. L.I.V.? Yeah, with Liv.

We're negotiating. We just can't finalize this thing. For what? I want to do the face of their new media, so I want to do a podcast with them, and then I want to tour and play the pro-am one day, broadcast a tournament live, and then fucking go to a new city.

Dude, do stand-up at night. I'm trying to steal a page from Rogan's book. That would be fucking awesome. He would do UFC and then shows in the same city. I'm literally stealing it. I want to do fucking golf during the day, do a pro-am, do a podcast, then do a show at night, go to a new city the next day.

We talked about, that's my idea for my cooking show. You should. Yeah. Yeah. You should. I mean, I'm trying to work it out where I can do that. But golf to me, I'm trying to make, I just want it to make more than just my hobby because I'm in love with it.

It's like, I love it. The connections I've made, the people, I just, it's been great. So I'm like, this is just as fun as comedy. It's a new comedy market for me. Yeah. So I'm trying to dig in. They make it hard because it's, you know, it's still old white guy shit. Rich white guy shit.

There's old white guy shit still there. Yeah. The young people have taken over. Of course, but they're, yeah. But you got to wait for those guys to die. All those guys up top got to die. Yeah. It's like our government.

There's dudes in capes somewhere and some fucking whole raping children you never been still in charge you never been i'm trying to that's why we brought one of the insides yeah literally figuratively you know where it is it's a there's a it's a there's a kfc in midtown that's where it is it's not so you wouldn't think but yeah enter to the back to just open it queens hiding in plain sight trust me we know what did i see the uh around the corner from um i was in the east village and i saw that they were like a new five guys opening up and i thought there's no way that this is what this neighborhood wanted it to be in the future was a like a five guys yeah massive chain opening up because those things look i just feel like every time i come to manhattan it feels less and

less like the original city that i always liked it's more cheney cheney cheney i see cheney cheney everyone it's all chain manhattan sucks but it's just like it's all chains now which is like it used to be a little bit more fun but i feel like there's it's just so many chain restaurants the village is great it is but i like to live down there i think it's flipping really it feels like it's it just feels a little bit coming midtown kind of yeah it's got a little bit of a and i'm ignorant so i don't see it enough but it does feel like when i keep coming back i'm like oh that's a fucking isn't this restaurant all over the city and also in yeah other cities now i didn't that la still is trying its hardest to... What I do appreciate is there's always new restaurants.

Still a lot of like mom and poppy stuff. Are you telling me Mama Foucault's becoming McDonald's? Mama Foucault is. David Chang, you're out of control. Get out of here. Where are you going? Does he do this all the time? Yeah, he's got a piss.

He walks away in the middle of the show. Yeah, he's got a piss a lot. This isn't Rogan. It's not four hours. It's been like 30 minutes. My day started early. What time did your day start? Nine. What does it say? Hold on.

Something about... I'm used to both. This guy. Do we cut at these cut points or you keep talking? We just keep going. I'm going to send a picture to... No, these are cut points for you, right? No.

This is lunacy. We leave this in. I'm sending a picture to my girl. Did you have shows tonight? Yeah, I got New York Comedy Club, and then I was thinking about going over and do Friends and Lovers or whatever, the show, the Comptown Boys show.

Oh, yeah, I love those guys. That's what I was saying to him on the phone, man. I love that fucking guy. He's so funny. Are you doing shows tonight? I'm supposed to go down to the cellar. But she's so vague. She writes in Sanskrit when she responds to my times.

I'm always like, what time? And it's all like hieroglyphics. I'm like, okay, I guess I'll just come down. It's wingdings? It is wingdings. It's all wingding down. All right, I guess I'll just come down. It's wingding? It is wingding. It's all wingding down. All right, I guess I'll be down there. No, I'm supposed to go down to the cellar and then meet up with Chris.

I'm going to watch St. John's on Wednesday. The basketball team? Yeah. Wait, at the Garden? I think that's where it is. Yeah, he told me to go. They already got the Invitational, that tournament, the first tournament of the year? I don't know.

I don't follow men's college basketball. It's not funny. They're year? I don't know. I don't follow men's college basketball. It's not funny. They're like 20 games into the season. I don't follow men's college basketball for anything. I enjoy going to watch,

but I couldn't care less about it. March Madness is so sick. It's the only thing that's like the thing. That's like the thing that I'll pay attention to, but even still,

if someone's like, what team's good this year? No fucking idea. I only did it in like... I think Purdue is like number one or number two. Pro sports for me is my... I'm saying, yeah.

I'm weird. That's because you're from Chicago. It depends on where you're from. I know, but most guys go, you Purdue is like number one or number two. Pro sports for me is my... That's kind of... I'm saying, yeah. I'm weird. That's because you're from Chicago. It depends on where you're from. I know, but most guys go, you don't like to see where they came from. That to me doesn't interest me. I'm not following young guys. I'd want to see just adults in the league.

You know you meet guys that are like, there's this 14-year-old out of Poughkeepsie and you're like, ew, how do you fucking know? I don't like that. I don't like it. My buddy Gerben used to say like, your affiliation with your team is is based solely on the location of your mother's vagina

typically if you're raised well right yeah so you're uh chicago diehard chicago yeah right so we're sadly i'm philly yeah and if that's not the case something is awry you're either a bandwagon cowboys or lakers or you're you grew up in a place that didn't have a team or didn't have a team then you get to pick a championship right yeah and you become college basketball guy sometimes but no this is what i'm saying like i will adopt i will usually adopt chicago teams or you know what i mean like yeah you have to pick something they're fucking there's nothing there yeah they gotta have something their own but take take pa, for example, Pennsylvania.

If you're close to Philly, you're NFL, NBA, NHL, all of it. If you're West Pennsylvania. You go to Shane's town, Harrisburg, that's all college football. Because you got Penn State and there's a lot of Irish immigrants that just go, I love Notre Dame. You don't see that shit around the city. And if you do, it is just for Irish immigrants. Well, it's for Irish scum. You can say it for scum. Yeah, I don't want to insult two old people at once.

No, don't worry about it. You fucking Albanian. Relax. Short enough. Yeah. I can get in the crew. But it is true. I think in Chicago, there's people that like also,

you know, Northwestern and U of I, you know, it's not like fun schools to root for. Yeah. So it's like college sports there is kind of weird. Like, I don't know. UIC. It's kind of like,

we don't have the, our pro sports are the things that you would let you attach to anyway. Yeah. No one like, Northwestern is a hard school to root for. Cause it's like a really, it's a high academic school. It's like a good kid's school.

Yeah. It's like rooting for Harvard. Yeah. Boring. It's fucking any kind, any time the education is high, it's hard to root for that school yeah like it must be fun you know they don't go to class in alabama you know what the fuck are we talking about yeah and i love when they go no we are a good shut the fuck up yeah everything is about sport everything is sport if it's a good

school sport wise their education system is fine yeah it's mediocre well you look at pennsylvania and let's take oh. You got Ohio State typically in the mix every year, and you have Penn State, and then you have the Eagles, and then they have the Browns. So it's like they still have passionate fan base. Yeah. And they have an option. Yeah, but

state schools always are going to be okay schools. That's my point. Yeah, right. If the school gets better with education, inherently the sports will lack. Yeah. I don't care what, even if somebody goes, well, UNC was great at basketball. It's like, inherently the sports will lack yeah yeah i don't even i don't care what even if somebody goes well unc was great at basketball it's like yeah yeah but you know yeah i don't know but you didn't dominate everything else yeah you show me school that dominates across the board i would guarantee the education level is mediocre yeah florida miami in the 90s yeah yeah they're all criminals yeah georgia bama all that stuff even like michigan is good school but they got a wing in the school that's shit.

Yeah. People to play sports inside of. The lineman in Alabama, a textbook, he starts to eat. It puts muscle on him. It puts muscle on him. Like, no, no, put that down. That's not today's practice. Put your shit in the fryer.

It's not battered? No, no. Batter it up. Dude, I remember asking my buddy who was playing on Notre Dame. I was like, are the academic standards really that difficult? Are they like, is everyone on the team? He was like, pretty much everyone can read on the team. Jesus Christ.

But you shouldn't have to fuck. Your requirements should be less. An average student doesn't have the schedule that you have. It's unfair to expect them to have the same schedule as a regular student. Also, they shouldn't have to go to school. You know I agree with that. School's bullshit anyway. Just be like a mascot.

Drop out. Drop out. Drop out. Drop out. Just get them a giant shed next to the school where you put all the slow kids. It's just the marketing department. Hire them. Let them color for a while.

I'm like, football. Just blow the whistle. I'm like, get out of the field. It's your turn. The Pope's shed for slow kids? Come on down to the Pope's shed for slow kids. There's a bunch of stuffed beer on the wall.

Grab a beer. Sit down. I get $3, but don't tell nobody. My insides. You obviously don't need to promote anything, but do you want to say anything?

I'm not really, I mean, I'm in New York promoting this movie that I'm doing, but it doesn't come out until March, so this will come out far before.

It'll be good, I hope. Have you seen a cut of it yet? Yeah, I saw one. We saw one in front of a live audience. It was kind of wild. They snuck us in the back. So the audience didn't know. It was a test audience,

and they didn't know we were there. They put a brown mustache on you? Yeah. We can recognize you. They put us in the very back door, a top door, so nobody knew we were there, which I thought was kind of cool because they were like,

we want to see it without people knowing. You know, because sometimes if a director goes up to the front and they're like, we're so happy everyone gets to see our film. And then it gives it away too much. And so we were like, what if we just watch a test screening without them knowing?

I don't know who, it was a great idea. But so we went in the back and all of us were there. Fucking me, John Cena, Zac Efron, Jermaine Fowler,iam h macy like all everybody was there we just sat in the back and like kind of watch people watch us which was fucking cool well it's anxiety inducing because i don't like to watch myself i hate watching me i can't fucking stand it yeah and uh it was it was cool to see people watch you without their knowledge because

it was honest right yeah right like they're not doing that contrived thing where it's like they know you're there they feel right they were laughing at shit that they wanted to laugh at so the movie's funny i hope it's called ricky stenicky it comes out in amazon on amazon in march uh what's it about do the plot for this movie three best friends um have a uh have an alibi uh when they're kids they do some fucked up shit and they blame it on a fake guy and then when they get older their wives and girlfriends are, we want to meet this guy you've been lying about for fucking 30 years. So we have to hire an actor to play our best friend. And we hire John Cena to be this guy,

Ricky Stanicki, who shows up and transforms into this fucking guy and then ruins our life even fucking more. So we think we pay off some jack off to get out of this lie and it only gets worse. Let's go. Yeah. It's fun as shit.

Fair. Pete Fairley did it. The guy that did dumb and dumberumber with his brother Bobby back then. Farrelly Brothers. Farrelly. Farrelly? Farrelly. Farrelly.

Farrelly. Farrelly. Vegas? Listen. Farrelly. Vegas. Farrelly Brothers. Vegas?

Farrelly. Farrelly. Farrelly Brothers. That's just a Farrelly Brothers? That's a Farrelly Brothers. I got to give you a hoodie. Something about Mary. So yeah, go watch that.

But also, me and Bobby Lee are finishing up our tour. We have nine dates left, or nine dates left. That's all we got now. Oh, shit. Where are you going? We go to Salt Lake, Reno, Temecula, Sacramento, Tucson, Vegas, and then two dates in Canada. I love these hoodies. You know how much I wear Stuff Island stuff?

I do. That's why I'm giving it to you. Both? No, no, I get both. What do you mean? I'm famous. Give me both. Let me look at it again.

Are you going to wear both? Yeah. He knows I wear it on my show. Yeah it all the time for your show than you do i wear this all the time i wear your hat i wear the sweater can you afford it really let me see just let me look at it i'll see which one i like more um do i get more dude i get more no no no you know well they're both really sexy they fuck no they're sick we'll decide after the show no no we'll decide after the show yeah decide after the show i don't no, no. We'll decide after the show. Take them both.

Decide after the show. I don't need more clothes. I get a lot for free. Jesus Christ. It is funny. I will get free shit, and I feel bad sometimes because people give me free shit that I would never wear. But then I do the right thing.

I go to the comedy store. Give it to your friends. I go to the comedy store, and I give it to the young comics. Yeah. I bring a box literally once every other other week and i go hey does anybody want i have shoes i'll just get stuff and i'll just bring it to them yeah we do that on a very low level and we do the same thing it's nice give it to the fucking guys that need it because i remember when i was when we were you know couldn't rub two nickels and i was like when when famous guys or or

higher up comics would bring us stuff yeah and it was fucking they give you a t-shirt you're like you have any mustard? Yeah. Can I deep fry this? Some of the guys, actually, some of the guys, though, I remember there was some guys, I don't want to say names because it's their business, but there was a couple of guys that did stuff undercover, low-key, that were rad, like gave somebody a car.

Really? Yeah, an older car, like just fucking was giving it away and gave it to a younger comic. Damn, that is nice. But it's just like stuff like that you see when you get older as a comic and you're like part of the thing of being a comedian to me was always if can you inflate another comic in another group or –

because you're going to be gone. You're out. Once you get up, you're out. Once you get big enough, you're not in it anymore. Yeah. So it's like if you can't like inflate the career of another guy, you know, like I used to bring this guy on the road with me, Chris O'Connor.

I'm wearing his pants right now. Yeah, he became a soccer pro. I remember this guy. He was good. He would ride a horse to the soccer field every day. He was a kicker. At least in the NFL. But I remember when we first started going out,

where we were in our career and where you are now. And I'm not going to say I'm proud of you because it sounds diminutive but i'm happy yeah i'm happy for you not for you but for you very much i get that yeah no i'm happy that it's like it's cool to see people keep lifting because comedy for a long time when i when we started at least when i moved to la it was extremely cut it was like you squished people below you. It never felt until I got older. Then the game changed a little bit and people started to be more helpful. But dude, when I first moved to LA, it was fucking kill or be killed.

Dude, I started at 2009. Yeah. And I felt like it was like that. It's nowhere near where it is like probably when you started, but like even getting- 06 was a nightmare in LA. Yeah, getting to like 2013, 2014,

I had enough experience in like green rooms seeing comics that were like good. I have a name of a dude that like said something on stage that completely stunted my growth. What? Of being myself. He said something like, I don't do any voices. This is just my voice. And then I got that in my head. Like I don't do any voices.

This is just my voice. And then I got that in my head. Like, I can't be a character. I can't express myself and be like my personality. And then I started changing my jokes to like set up, punch, misdirection, like these fucking nerds in the green room. And I was like, oh, it's not who I am. So I write a smart joke, but it wasn't coming out. It's like putting a different voice in a different body right so it wasn't being absorbed

it doesn't sound like you it's not fucking me so i did that for years and it was good enough to get like montreal or something i was like i got done i was like i'm a mask i'm wearing a mask i'm just a shell of what i'm capable of right yeah nothing nothing i'm saying represents who i right that's what we say the biggest thing in stand-up, we've had this conversation, it has to look, stand-up is about how it sounds

coming out of your face. Because anybody can write a good joke. A lot of people have good jokes. Good on the internet. That's why they're Ivy League writers. But it has to look good

coming out of your face. Yeah. Your face has to tell your version of the joke. The reason people go, why is that guy so funny? It's because it looks funny coming out of his mouth. Yeah, right.

So if it's constructed through like a machine or a algorithm, of course it's not going to be funny. Yeah. Because it has to sound like you thought it and said it. This is why when fat guys lose a lot of weight, they're not funny. 100%. No, it's a fact. Because you're like, you don't feel that way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not who you are. That joke was written 500 pounds ago. All right, dude. Thank you. Thank you, boys. Hell yeah.