Stuff Island - Chicago - Stuff Island #214

Episode Date: December 10, 2025

Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope reunite Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians For a limited time, our listeners get 60% off for life AND 2 Free Gifts when you use STUFFISLAND at Men Go To https://www.Mars.com. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. PLEASE support our show and tell them our show sent you. #ad Get your first month of BlueChew FREE Just use promo code STUFFISLAND at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping at https://bluechew.com/ Shop SKIMS Mens at SKIMS.com. Let them know we sent you! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. #ad #skims SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My alarm If you can read that It says Super Bowl That's I just You know Out of like pure joy From when we went to the Super Bowl That week

That was my alarm to wake up For the flight That was my alarm to wake up Every single morning And I just kept it there For nostalgia And then that fucking game last night I might just throw my phone out

Like that was Fucking like I couldn't even my girl like my girl and my dog just went right to the bedroom like they couldn't they didn't come back out I think they pissed in jars

they didn't seem to go to the bathroom they both were equally scared to get anywhere within eye shot of me and it's like I'd never hit either of them but you know after that fucking game I had the attitude in the eyeballs dude you know the fucking my fists were clenched I don't want to start at this office

No I know I was gonna say I was gonna say the Eagles make it didn't even want to bring that up The Eagles make it hard not to talk sports right off the jump. They're making it so hard. Oh, my God. That was the worst quarterback. I've been sticking up for this hot fucking Jalen Hertz my whole life. And then he makes some incredible throws. But the decisions yesterday, nobody can defend them.

The whole country is against him now. The city, the worst. The worst city you can imagine being against you. I can't watch Sports Center. I can't flip through reels. My algorithm on Twitter can't open it because it's all sports and the headings. and if I watch sports I'll fucking try and cut my own head off and I can't I can't I just can't grapple with what transpired

and how bad executed that game was did you see the stat I'm sorry this I'll this last one instead of going let it fly I'm not going to go line by line it's like the stat of his QBR rating if he just spiked it every single throw would have been better than his stat his QBR was like 36 point something and it said if he just threw it into the ground every single attempt it would have been 39 oh my fucking dude i mean yeah we're in we're in sanchez butt fumble territory with that interception fumble it's just like yeah of course fucking of course dude all this this

this will go down as the most wasted talent team without any leadership play calling the whole the whole thing is a fucking mess dude I know I know I'm watching

hard knocks and it says they're talking on the field but there's there's no cohesion there's no there's no rhythm there's no rhyme

or reason to some of these plays and executions it just even when they score the back of my head I'm going you'll see

I know I know don't clap as hard as you're doing because you'll see them fuck up right here and they do

they do and it's like you know much of this season every single team has this facade about it where it's like first time in maybe ever both divisions there's no juggernaut there's juggernaut

records but like teams themselves are not as big as the record they're not as good as the record anyone can win which is kind of fun but it's not fun when you have the talent that we fucking have I know that's fun when we're like an eight and eight team and we struggle to get eight wins

whereas like we're giving this fucking team away you can't get it back but it's what keeps hope alive because it truly is like at any second they could just turn it on yeah these are these players are like they're Russian strippers

between 26 and 27 like they're gonna these guys are gonna turn into babushkas in like two to three years if you don't get them winning records on the runway with their perky fucking tits before they start tucking them in their pockets

it's a waste of everything oh my god i still i still hold out hope i i i feel like they're drunk in boxing i think it's the drunken fist technique yeah it's like the appearance of just like oh you think they're waiting for a knockout punch yeah yeah i think i i just i dude i kind of felt the same way about them last year i mean even even when they went on the run after seriani shaved his head it's like they put they still played just the weirdest brand of football and jalen hurts is like i keep saying it is just the he's he's he's drunk in boxing it's just it's yeah he everything he does is weird he throws weird he runs weird he everything is looks horrible but then yeah every once in a

while most of the time yeah well it's drunk in boxing he drank like three bottles of I don't know if that guy could piss standing up. Holy Christ, he sucked. Dude, I wouldn't be surprised if, yeah, yeah, Jalen Hertz just took a piss in the huddle at some point. That's how deep. That's how deep. It's like the prestige.

He's convincing everyone that he sucks. These guys must have corks in their ass. The big fat lineman. How is not like one, there should be one player year that shits all down their fucking, they're tights. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know these guys go home, they eat like seven meals. They're eating like Doritos and jelly beans and shit.

No, yeah. I bet they wear some type of diaper. Yeah, 100%. They've got to wear some type of diaper just to stay protected. Because you can't go, yeah, you can't be like a big old boy and just go like, yeah, at all game and not shit yourself. Yeah, right. Especially for, like, at all different.

angles. Yeah. You're opening your buns. Yeah. Speaking of opening your ass, are you, you're coming to town this weekend. Yeah,

I am coming to town this week. I'm also going to be in Chicago. December 18th through 20th. So anyone out in Chicago wants to come see a grand old show. Are you going to Zanis? Nah, I'm going way out. Schaumburg.

That's nice. Yeah. Which is always, it's always tough to tell people, you know. So people go, oh, Chicago, hell yeah. And then it's Schaumburg. And they go, oh, fuck.

Yeah. It's like saying Philly and you're like Lancaster. No. No, no, no, no, no. It's like when I meet people from Philadelphia and they're like, yeah, no, I'm like by Pittsburgh. And it's like, why did you say Philadelphia? I thought I could get to see it. That's a fucking six-hour trip.

Yeah, yeah. People, you know, because people don't think, you know, I guess Pittsburgh's pretty popular. but everyone always orientes them towards the closest major city on the eastern seaboard yeah i get it but even getting the fucking westchester pa my mother i'm not going to i'm not going for christmas yeah my mom just hasn't have any idea how like how much work it takes to get that extra 45 minutes up west oh yeah and depending on the timing westchester's maybe the weirdest place on earth to get to there's 50 different ways to get here and they all suck yeah that's why people never leave. Yeah. That's why

the kids get a house next of their parents. But when you get it, when you get here, what a town. What a beautiful, what a beautiful little hamlet. You gotta start, like, there's nothing to do outside to get fucked up and stare it. I guess you gotta, like, paint mailboxes.

What are you complaining about? It's like, no. You're right. How far is it? Like, that doesn't sound nice to you? Yeah, but I'm saying, like, there's no other entertainment. it's like you stare at fucking college girls walk across the street at a red light and you'll get a bite to eat it at the same spot every fucking day it's it's groundhog's day

for for lesbians it is funny that every coffee shop here has one like major deficiency there's a coffee shop here that is like so great and I go in there all the time and they never have coffee what they're out yeah you go in you're like I just get a just a large coffee, just a little bit of milk. And they're like, yeah, oh, wait. We're like, we're going to have to, we got to re-brew it. And I was like, I'll take what a dark roast medium or whatever you got. You know, we got to rebrew that one too.

Like, yeah. Come on, guys. So what is it? It's just like a Wi-Fi shop that sells like old bagels? No, it's a fucking, it's an amazing coffee shop. They just, you know, some of the employees there, they're like, they really, they like the chat. They like to chat.

You know what I mean? They're the kind of people that are, they're always. talking to the customers, like instead of actually doing the making of the coffees, they're just chatting. So they're just stand and chatting someone up and you're like, guys. It's like a young, hot girl bartender that just finishes a 10-minute conversation while you're hanging your head on the fucking side of the bar with an empty glass. It's like, pick it up, bitch.

Yeah. Fuck them or suck them. Whatever it is, just get me a beer first. Then you go back to finishing your dumb conversation about boogie boards. I don't know. Yeah. It's like, I don't even know if there's like a. bar set up that can equate to

like this coffee shop, the station where they make the coffee is too close to the register. So the register person and the making coffee person just talk and don't do anything. You know

what I mean? It's like you need to put this away from them. You need the minds where the coffee's being made and you need the front register lady. That's it. Separate. dramatic need, dramatic need for coffee shops in my neighborhood here. There's, there's only a couple trucks, and, you know, there's, there's no feel.

It's kind of disgusting. Everybody looks like, you know, everyone's, they look like they're ax murderers. They're all like fat spanks. But like a nice coffee shop that makes you feel like you can sit down, do a little work, have a cup of coffee and fucking, you know, disappear. I could never work in a coffee shop. I could never, I could never work in public. Well, you could do, like, morning emails or something.

You could do, like, nonsense shit. Yeah, I don't know. I can't. I've been scrolling Instagram and Twitter. That's my version of shitting in a public bathroom is typing on a computer in a coffee shop. Yeah, I like the level of anxiety that I feel, the stress. Do you remember that place in Astoria in Queens? Yeah.

The Starbucks, when I was, you know, in a pinch and you already pass, going down Broadway, you already pass like kinship or one of the nice. or coffee shops, and you've got to get in Starbucks for some reason. This guy used to bring his PC and tower from his fucking house. He would bring his whole tower

PC and then put on these these mongoloid fucking headphones and have Zoom calls. Like he's selling something. He leaves. He wheels like a computer chair in. What are you doing? You clearly know you're in a

Starbucks, and who's buying whatever the fuck you're trying to sell you animal he's in he's in sweatpants and then just like a shirt and tie it's like dude you're not fooling anybody also no one's on that other line it's no way it also feels like almost like a new york city thing where i imagine that he like i makes me laugh thinking that he was like trying to do a bit he's like i'm gonna do something crazy yeah i'm gonna go in there with a computer tower and a big monitor and i'm gonna say i'm gonna plug it all in i'm gonna work and nobody cares. Nobody cares.

I guess I'll just keep doing this. That's crazy. Yeah. He's like everyone's going to, it's going to blow people's minds. And everyone's just like, ah, fucking New York's weird.

Just taking calls, even a call in public. Say, well, what are we? Dude. I like, I'm like a dead dog.

Like, I find like the shrubbery and like a, you know, the end of a tree where I would die. That's where I'm hiding to, to talk to my mom for five minutes. Dude, there was a,

lady on the train the other day that was like it was like the most like east coast versus midwest kind of moment where it was just like you are clearly from like michigan or somewhere where you can talk at full volume and this lady was just on the train talking at full volume and also narrating everything that she was doing okay she was like okay she would like open her phone and go Okay, okay, I'm scrolling, I'm looking, I'm opening it now, okay, okay, what happened? What happened? It went somewhere, I don't know, I lost it. Okay, oh, okay, I've got it again. Okay, you know, these things are so tough. You know, every time I try to do that, like, it was just narrating, it wasn't even like important, like exchanging medical records or something like that. It was like just narrating every fucking move at full volume. And also one of these ladies,

that like clearly had been told to like shut the fuck up at some point like early in her life and was like I'm never going to shut the fuck up again now she's proud yeah and won't refuses to whisper I don't have to whisper I do not have to whisper I am talking number one I'm a person quiet car you got to go to the quiet car and if somebody does that I get fucking I get I'm an officer mode I will literally like hey quiet car I point at the sign it's quiet car like I'm that fucking guy yeah I don't Just a cut, cutting a dude off getting out of the fucking airplane? Uh-uh.

I don't know. I can't exist in the quiet car because I know it's full of the opposite kinds of people that I don't like. Yeah, but you can't hear. Like, shh. Shh. There's only like one or two. This is why I like criminals on shitty public transportation. You know, like I like a fucking young thug to come in there and fucking stir some shit up because it makes everybody quiet.

They get nervous. Their assholes get tight. Yeah. And they're just like, don't make a move. Don't like, that bitch wouldn't be. yapping if some fucking blood came by a tear drop tattoo he's gonna be like yo you don't what you call you're being loud of shit

right the fuck up I'd like to see that battle I'd like to see that battle dude that's one of my favorite Twitter videos is like just white women going too hard on a dude and they just get backhanded they do like a somersault because they think you know they can put their hands on that dude and that dude's like no now I can beat the fuck out of you

yes yeah it's not one of my favorites don't take it the wrong way but it's up there yes yeah like yeah it's it's it's funny to see a lady confront the dude thinking that they're playing by like suburb rules yes 100% it's like it's like it's the it's the physical side of karen's getting fucking you know put in their place oh yeah it's a beautiful thing what a you know because it's it's what everybody wants to do at some point in their life well that's great chris you got any more dates to pro promote for January? No, that's it. All right.

That's it. I just want to make sure make sure we get that out for it before we talk about coffee shops and beating women. I don't want that to interfere with our good shit. Yeah, dude, I've also come around to the jug. Oh, 100% too.

I lost the straw situation. I got a flip cap because it comes with the options, the big, the tumblers. That's what the... Yeah, like that. a big, a handle and a jug and it's just always, always cold water. This is the only

connection we have with those dumb bitches that are too loud. That is the badge of honor for a loudmouth bitch. It's like the version of those those two like, that like handshake thing. Yeah. Trump Predator. It's just a dude and a

kid and just cheering with the judge. What's the office got you breaking too many pencils? Oh, man. Well, yeah, man. I'm excited. We got two Patreon episodes coming out for Look at Dish. We're filming two more for a Christmas episode and a New Year's Eve episode. McCann's going to be on the New Year's Eve episode.

Gimes? Gimes. Yeah, that'll be sick. And then we're going to cook a porketta for Christmas. That I'm excited about. Pork belly, wrapped in herbs. I got to learn how to do the baker's twine in all one piece. If you do that right, it looks so good.

It's going to be weird. It's going to be weird asking my girlfriend to get in a bikini and I've got to work on her thighs. Seeing if I get it down a straight line. Just tie and string around her thigh. Yeah, my little portcetta. What do you put in the middle of a portcetta? It's just a mix of herbs, spices. garlic, parsley.

It's up to you. Big chunks of stuff? I'll probably go sage. No, no. You just blend it through the food processor and make like a like a green paste. Is it a thick roll?

Yeah. But you don't roll because it has the skin on it. You don't, it's not like a rollitini where the inside skin goes over. Otherwise it'd be real tough and fatty. So you're just taking the exterior shell cutting a certain extent and it's thick with the fat and the meat.

It's like a pork belly. It is a pork belly. So you roll it so that it kind of meets maybe a little tuck at the bottom. So all the skin is exposed and it becomes really crispy. And I can even, I can even heat up some real hot oil on the side, boiling oil. And then it crackles the skin. Yeah. So I might think about that process too.

I got to do a little studying because I've never done this fucking thing. Yeah, there's got to be some funky stuff you can put in the middle of that too. There's got to be some weird. Yeah, you want it complicated for me? You want, yeah, what are you saying? Yeah, you just, you let me know how you're doing in the Delta Lounge while I'm, while I'm in the lab because Chris wants prosciute and fucking feta in here. Oh.

It's actually not a bad idea. Really not a bad idea. Dude. No, I will. I'll look into something. A little feta in there could be nice. Or like goo-lidl, some kind of cheese that, like, tightens up and doesn't, like, get melty and milky.

Because you bake it for so long. long, it's got to have less water content so it doesn't get like dissipate and quagulate. Do you get like a Cooper Sharp going? Yeah, what's the what's that ham and cheese fucking stromboli thing?

It's made with it's like a croquette. It's a croquette. Ham and cheese croquette. I forget what this is called. But it's got like a Havardi or a certain type of cheese. Anyway, this is, we're all over the fucking place. No, that's good.

Sounds like I'm just. Sounds like I'm just calling you instead of podcasts. This is what Zoom does to you. I'm like, yeah, how's, uh, how's Sadie doing? Everything okay? Sounds like my dad checking in. He gives me two questions. Like, all right, here's your mom.

I'm like, I, all right. I haven't talked to in seven fucking months. That's it? Oh, dude. Let's talk about holiday travel for a second. And this is why I'm not going back home to Westchester. Because it takes me six hours. to get from fucking Austin

for some six hours door to door to get to Austin to Philly the train to fucking Delaware unless because of the traffic I might just take a train might just take Amtrak so I got to take the R1 line up to fucking Wilmington

then I got to take an Uber from Wilmington to fucking Westchester and I finally get in there and my mom's like oh I thought you were coming before dinner and I'm like Last time I took a blue chew my dick got sponsored by an energy drink company and refused to do missionaries saying it was bad for the brand,

extreme positions only. I carry my encyclopedia Britannica everywhere. Sometimes I take a blue chew to make standing in line easier, something to lean on, you know? Guys, this isn't just about performance. This is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know when you lay it down,

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You fucking bitch. No idea how hard it is to get in your front fucking door. Do you know what I mean? It's like this, we're not taking Shane's private jet to a landing pad out back. You know what I mean?

I got to get up early as fuck. It takes me forever. And then they just go to bed for three days straight. They're up for four minutes yelling at me about eggs and cream cheese. And then they don't talk to you. And it's like my dad's downstairs drinking wine and smoking cigarettes because my mom thinks he's not. And then my mom's annoying the fuck out of me about French toast in the morning and scrapple and pork roll. My brother's fucked off in Delaware.

And the other one, you know, he's dead to me. So I'm just sitting around going, can I go to Applebee's and just get fucked up? on these five dollar margaritas it's crazy too that it's just like i don't know can you can you like make yourself like a like a seller on amazon and just ship yourself like fucking amazon same day shipping right to your parents house just get in a box we tell you something just getting a box of the jug dude get them getting the box of the jug and just fucking yeah how do you think all these mexicans are getting delivered to the mushroom palms out there and kett square you haul it's you hall

They ain't taking fucking buses and planes. So, yeah, you just have to have somebody close the chicken cage behind you. You're off, throw the door. Yeah, I guess I could just pay. Dude, I've done this before where I paid for, I got so drunk and fired up. I was so pissed. I paid for an Uber from Philly to New York City. Oh, boy.

A lot of guys won't even make that trip. Of course. It's very rare, but it's usually like a limousine company. They turn you off, or put you on to. It's not Uber. But you got to pay like, you know, say four or five hundred bucks or something like that. But like when you're poor, it's like, oh, that's, I'll bleed my account because I'm not touching a fucking bus seat or a plane because I just fought with my girl so bad. I'll, I'll, I'll deplete my bank account, you know, I'll ruin my life because she's ruined mine.

That's the kind of relationship I miss. Dude, yeah. It's, when you're, when I'm hungover, man, I make the, the worst financial choices of my entire life. Like, if someone can tell me a big. Chicken egg and cheese is worth every penny I have. And I would go, all right. Yeah. That's fine.

I need it. So. It's so funny. Dude, waking up to, uh, to hungover Chris, when you're in your, your little fucking cell in all, in, uh, Queens, but I wouldn't see for 12 hours, but then I'd open the door and there'd be an old bag of Taco Bell on the door. Which you'd order at like three o'clock in the morning and then pass out. There's just a whole talk.

You fucking eat them. Oh, yeah. I get two Gordita crunches down. Gorditas, Gorditas. And then... You turn me on those fucking things. They're so good. And sometimes you're so drunk and hungry that you can't sleep.

What's your go-to meal for Christmas? What's your family eat? I think they'll probably just make like a regular ham. Yeah, ham is standard. Do you guys do ham in a... pasta um yeah i think my mom and lasagna yeah my mom will do a lasagna for people who are like nodded to ham yeah yeah yeah the two standards for white white women yeah is ham and lasagna because you can pick up the ham and all you keep saying it's a honey well or wherever the

fuck it is it's just these white trash people saying how much they spent on a fucking a ham at acme dude it's like yeah you're it's expensive ham is good dude The ham is so good. I will say. Just a honey, a honey ham. Honey baked ham. That's it.

Honey baked ham is unbelievable. Dude, thick cut, cold the next day, dipped in Dijon. Suck my dick. Unbelievable. Deli meat. Deli meat ham? Fuck you.

Throw it in the trash. Yeah. Garbage. Slippery, wet, disgusting. Yeah. Just fucking slime. Give me the chunk, dude. Chunked ham.

I'll go, I'll go chunk, ham, Dijon, and everything bagel. Hmm. See, I think you should bring back stuffing back for Christmas. Yeah. Stuffing once a year is just not enough. I feel like it's such a perfect... Because the flavor combinations on a Christmas meal, I feel like we're doing fucking DeRosa's cooking show.

Or cooking podcast that doesn't exist anymore. Dude, if DeRosa came to my house for Christmas dinner, he'd fucking spas. Well, we can do need spas anywhere. I talk to him like every other day now. It's fucking unbelievable. It's like he wants to do. I'm trying to get him back on look at this because he's such a wonderful spaz with us.

Yeah. It's such a, it's such a perfect grouping because he has your, he's got my culinary sensibilities and he has your mania. Yes. Mixed with my spas. So you know what I mean? Like we, it's like, it's like picking a softball team and you just like everybody gets a pick. We're just like a perfect combination of certain assets and liabilities of each other.

And it's a great trio. So I'm trying to get him back on here. And I think we're just going to do a sandwich, a sandwich episode when he comes back in January. It's a third guy with just the easiest buttons to push in the world. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucking great. He's just a, he's a Christmas toy is what he is.

It's like, it couldn't, it could be easier to piss anyone. of us off about any given subject. It's kind of how I treat them, too. It's like a bike you get tired of after a couple hours and you just, you fucking ghost ride it into a side of a wall. It's kind of how I exit the Joe DeRosa hang. I don't, I don't ever get sick of DeRosa. I fucking, I love DeRosa.

I like when he gets, I like when he gets sentimental. He's a very sweet. There's not a lot of comics that, like, I hate, I say this a lot, because I, I am a fucking pussy, but, like, vulnerable. Like, he's a guy you could talk to about any facet of life, work, health, you know, and then get, like, a real down-the-earth sensibility of, like, you know, he's like, he's so sensitive. And he listens. You're like this.

This is one of your quality traits. It's like, he's a really good listener. And you almost feel like he's fucking with you because you're so used to people going, oh, yeah, yeah, no, for sure. And just, like, dipping in a cup. And just every now and then looking at you, like, Like, are you done? Yeah.

I thought I said, sorry, your mom died. Why are we still talking? Why are we continuing this? Grow up, dude. Every mom dies. Yeah, it's nice. Is your mom alive? How's she doing?

She's healthy. Yeah, yeah. She's doing good. She's got pep. She's got pep in a step. Yeah, yeah. For the whole Christmas. She's a big walker.

She's always been a big walker. She's like. Same. Dude, I told you this stuff. about my mother walking around Longwood Gardens? No. Dude, the fucking Asians hiding the hedges when the closet time. Oh, oh, when she comes around?

No, no. Thanks, though. No. No, that's me. That's me hiding in my parents' edges when she comes home. No, there's, she goes, Tom, you'll never believe this. You'll never believe this. So I walk around Longwood Gardens and I'll put in like, you know,

8, 10 miles. and when it closes at 6 o'clock they find Asians in the hedges they'll hide because they don't want to leave they love it there so much

they hide no fucking way she goes yeah I looked it up they fucking hide I talked to security guard there I was like is this real

because my mom's fucking nuts but do you guys have people hiding in the hedges and like the bushes and the trees and all that stuff because you're closing and the guys like

oh yeah 100% we got to go around with a fond tooth comb and found some people hiding around in the or oratory wherever the fuck it is whatever that indoor flower hut is yeah what is it called what's the flower hut it's the green the greenhouse the green house yeah the giant greenhouse but it's like a mortuary it's called more no well for me absolutely

it's a mortuary i walk aviary no that's for birds no no whatever it's just hilarious that they fucking hide in the hedges, especially this time of year, because then the lights come on. They don't want to read. They got to know that there's security cameras. They, where they come from, they got to know people are watching. True. Maybe that's why they're so good at, they're

fucking North Koreans. They literally have like the shrubs in the hat. They're in like a gilly suit. Well, that's kind of like, that's the Korean male haircut is like the top of a shrub. Or like a fucking bird.

They love that high and tight military bird hair. Well, I can't believe they're hiding in the book It's just so weird I went to New York City When I went to the Rockettes, man Yeah

I forgot I forgot how What agents Asians can do to a sidewalk The balloons It's just instant Yeah, instant traffic jam Just floating Just floating down the street Dude it's it's truly an NFL

Like skills competition Like when you watch NFL players in like the combine, they got to do that cone drill. Yeah. And they're doing the side to side, then they're doing the fucking netting thing. For you to get around a floating Asian on a fucking New York sidewalk. You got to do NFL Combine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a draft pick. Yeah. You're high jumping off one of their young kids. Do you know what I mean? You're fucking doing everything it takes. Oh, man. That's so good. It's crazy. The just the looking up, the just stopping just a just stopping yeah you know what that is the good thing about

texas is you know they although they do walk and talk slow there's so much space the roads are fucking giant yeah you jump on a you know someone's lawn or the side piece you just get around these fucking animals they're all fucking wheelbarrows but like i can i can pass you in a heartbeat you get back to new york you're like i'm so stressed out you know yeah well it's also crowd we were in we're in the hell's the hell territory it's like fucking around 42nd street around christmas time it's like yeah anywhere near 30 rock is just fucked did you see the tree is the tree lighting we saw the tree but it wasn't lit when they do that thought it's like December yeah i think they did it on the we were up there the first i think they did it the

third they hadn't lit it yet But Westchester had a nice little parade. Westchester had a nice little parade. And I was drinking an N.A. beer outside. And a lady was like, you can't drink on the street. It was like, it's a... Oh, fuck her. I know.

Dude, first of all, that's the charm of these small Delco areas. There's, okay, media does the same thing. Media is another average town that people go bananas for. Yeah. If you're raising kids, it's very nice. it's quaint it's a small one block main street of everything you need there's a little bakery there's a fucking you know all the cutsy pootty shit and then you can hide your dumb fat kids in a little house and afford a nice decent school district and but they go nuts for like

christmas and Halloween because you can drink you know my brother and his wife would bring his kids down from where they were it's like it's fun that's the fun as part is the parents it's like you go back to when you're in your 20s and 30s but now you're seeing your buddy and you're all pushing some accidental child and then you could put like four or five yinlings in the side of... You can stuff some yinglings in the side of the, you know, the chair

and you just get fucked up waiting for this Santa Claus with his beard sideways. It's like, that's the whole fucking thing. Dude, the worst part... Who were you to tell me I can't drink on the street? The worst part is it was fake beer. Yeah, it doesn't matter. And then she goes, she goes, well, it looked real.

Yeah. Just know. That kind of mentality Like fascinates me Just no No coot Not not going like Oh my bad

Yeah Just go oh well It's you tricked me then Why do you think I go to a magic show With a boner Every time I see a woman Finally get what's coming

It's because your whole existence You're getting bitched at By some fucking librarian lady Going you can't drink on the street You just get close to her face Go shut the fuck up no one's ever told you to shut the fuck up where's your husband

where's that little bitch she's probably got a leash on him and then you change her whole day so that she thinks of you your voice echoes in her fucking skull and she knows next time I probably won't do that this is my dad's theory on everything

somebody cuts you off endanger your whole family with no seat base and missed their fucking bumper by a half an inch on 95 and blow your fucking horn and cause havoc in his skull

so he never forget you this is the this is the beauty of getting punched in the face one time in your life at certain points preferably adolescence 13 to 18 when you're acting a fool in public with other adults that one punch you learn more than four years of college you'll learn not to do that you'll also learn never to do anything like that in the future even if you're not in that same scenario it should be it should be like a thing real quick real quick yeah i'm sorry the safest and most respectful places are the toughest bars. Just like the quietest dude in the group

is the toughest one. Yeah. The loud mouths are always the dudes have never been fucking trained. They never been taught. You go to these bars where you don't fuck around. Everyone's like, oh, my bad, my bad. Sorry, you go first.

You know, that's the kind of guy will fucking rock your teeth through your throat. Yeah. You know, it's never that dude like, I was here first. It's like, you know, you don't behave like that. Now I'm, now I'm going to have to say something.

And then you get your arm pinched by your girl going, don't. It's the holidays. My parents are here. Please don't get his kick down here. I told me your sweet boy. I'd like to see that. I'd like to see more like just undercover cops rolling around

but only to like police people's behavior. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like act like like air marshals, you know, they're completely undercover. But if someone's like a dick in traffic, they like they pull over and pull out like a fake AK-47 just to like see how this could happen.

Yeah. Yeah. You keep this up. Yeah, yeah. Just spook the shit out of people. Yeah. Just throw one of these bitches in the back of a fucking U-Haul and then let her go after a while.

Just go, look, look how easy it was. Look how easy it was. If you shut your fucking mouth, you won't get kidnapped. Yeah. That'd be fun. Dude, these fucking... I've been, you know, perusing these reels about the kidnappers here. Ice?

The traffickers in Austin. Oh, really? In South Texas. like Laredo and all these towns, your border towns, they do these things to these women. Obviously, they're going to find some woman that's on her phone, not paying attention.

Yelling, like you said, like, yeah, the problem is with scrolling, it takes a while. They're like, okay, we got one. We got one. Throw over the back of this F-650. Who gives a fuck about this idiot? But they do this trick where they put a dollar bill

on your windshield wiper. But put money, any form of money. $5, $10. so when this woman puts her groceries in maybe the child in the car they're not really paying attention to their surroundings even to get to the car say it's dark yeah you know you get down you turn your lights on you see fucking five ten dollars in your windshield and you're like the hell is this you get out of your car they swoop in and fucking kidnap you and now your butt hole and puss is theirs for the rest of eternity it's a weird line to walk into isn't it

That's crazy. You can't hear. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm fucking worked up. And they also have this thing where they put a scooter, like any kind of car right behind your car and like bump into it by accident so that you get out and go, what's that? Did you hurt my bumper? And then they just fucking scoop you. They just grab you anything.

So they want you to get into the car. They want you to load up the car and then step out. Yeah. Yeah. They'll give you a reason. Because then you're leaving all your shit everywhere. It looks weird. They wait for the right.

time to get you out of the car and then just take you and it's the old dollar bill on a fishing line like homeless guy trick yep except you can fuck these yeah

that's crazy you don't have to bathe them before you fuck them but yeah this got me so worked up I woke my girl up I went in the bedroom I was like listen I got to tell you

about these tricks down here you can't if you see money dude I swear to I swear to God like really work me I really work me up because like you are all my

rocketing towards 75 years old it's crazy I know I know what's crazy is like the other shit I watch you gotta you got

you got to believe what they're doing the other it's like the kind of shit I watch it I'm 25 I'm 25 I go from 25 to 75

and I just keep shit dude that's like when you like go into New York City and your parents would be like keep your wallet

in your front pocket dude 100% I'm into the pickpocket he schemes oh come on they love to do that too where they're like over there over in Europe

they're like you gotta watch out for the pickpockets it's like well they're better here dude yeah well it's also if I if first of all they act like every European pauper is like a magician well they're not they are but they're not going after

fucking people that aren't leaving their shit out these these bitches in like Spain these hot little twats they know what they're doing they bump into you with their fucking hello kitty backpack the other one with their cleavage and then it's just a quick swipe because you're fattened from Kansas

and half your fucking wallet's hanging out and it's like, oh yeah, that's easy I'm not worried about it, I'm worried about for my lady because, you know. And this episode finally is brought to you by skims. When I found out skims were making underwear for men, I have to admit I was pretty excited.

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and the perfect comfort for those long trips out on the road without ever riding up or losing their shape. All their three-inch boxer briefs have officially been put on notice. dude if a hot lady bumps into me I don't buy it for a second 100% and also you're pissed

that's like one of those things where someone tries to tap you on the wrong shoulder it's like I am I'm falling for that yeah yeah there's no chance well it's also because it's the first trick

you learn when you're fucking in second grade yeah there's no chance anyone's getting me with the bump the bump and run there's no way.

Dude, you're so funny. You bought my sneakers. You bought my sneakers. I have a point to this. I can't believe it. I can't believe that you did because I've worn these sneakers for the last four months in front of you. And it's a very specific sneaker.

And you're the kind of depressing. Are you wearing them right now? Yeah, the same ones. It's the same color way. I think so. This is like such a testament to your depression. Your specific level of depression because you're always looking at your feet anyway.

You should be looking at my feet. You're Charlie Brown in half the day. You should be looking at... You should have an update on my entire sneaker collection when I get a new pair of sneakers. I blame the shoe companies. I blame the shoe companies because... No, no, no, no, no.

Because they do this. They do this. You go to get a pair of shoes. You go to get a pair of shoes. and they first of all 90% of the shoes they make are unwearable yeah they're

the color ways are ridiculous the styles are ridiculous they've like they've got like shiny metallic stuff on them or they got zippers like a fucking Michael Jackson jacket and you're like who the fuck yeah so then you spend you go you go dude I went to the store like five

times looking for a decent pair of shoes to fucking buy and then I finally see a pair and I go that's what I'm talking about but it's the only one. So then you get them and of course, everyone else that you love and respect has gotten the same shoe.

That's how you know you with the right crew though. Dude, you know? I can't buy a pair of shoes without either you or Shane having them. It's not possible. That's so funny, dude. Yeah, there's two, I think there's like two types of shoes

in comedy. It's that one shoe that Shane likes to wear him and Soter. I can't wear it. I look ridiculous. You got to have big feet. It's got like that big Nike. They're six shoes. Yeah. And then the Air Max 90s. And it's like, dude, you can't. Those two shoes are gone. Yeah. There's too many people

rocking those things. Unless you go all white or like very simple, which is classic, which I like. But if you're trying to get a comfortable shoe that has a little fashion and it's got a pop to it that's not over the top with zippers and sheen. There's three of them. I know.

There's fucking three of them. Oh, yeah, you got to spend a lot of money to find a unique one that's not, you know, that's the whole point. Dude, the other color ways of that shoe are like neon orange or a solid, like, electric yellow or whatever the fuck Oregon wears. It's like there's no, you can't get just like a decent looking, like muted color shoe without someone else having it. The running shoe, I got a new balance running shoe that. is the best shoe I've ever had in my life. I bought it in two different colors. The first one was perfect.

I love muted earth tones. Like your sweatshirt. Yeah. The gray behind you. Like this color, which is a chocolate. This color here, which is an earth tone. Burned sienna.

This color here. You know what I'm saying? Dude, you ridiculed me for having that color. No, no. These, hey, hey, you got, first of all, you're colorblind. So let me finish this. This color is nowhere near the color of your pants

And I'm talking I know what sweats you're talking about The ones you rock to an airport And I feel like you you fucking bump your head The night before I wore pants I wore actual pants of that color for so long And it drove my dad insane It drove my dad

Wait like are we talking like khakis No no no no Not khaki color not khaki color They were like a denim They were like a denim pant that was in that exact color. Oh, I remember these. I love those pants.

And he drove my dad insane to the point where every time I get something that is remotely close to that color, he goes, ah, here we go. Well, also your dad, your dad goes to bed with a button, a button tucked in the dress pants. That guy's, that guy never, he's never off the clock. Your dad is ready for that red phone the ring and the fucking. side of his bed he's off dude that's that's that's where i'm heading dude i i got i almost got caught in like an l l b tractor beam the other day when i was walking through the ball dude that's coming for me so hard oh dude the head of lL bean sucks you up like an alien

you can just feel myself let me show you our new styles yeah oh man yeah i get fleece vest I get fucking basic white bitch The way they do pumpkin lattes When there's a fall release for a store I love Ooh baby I'm online I'm searching for new stuff I'm at the fucking I'm at the storefront right when it opens

There's a place called Stagg provisions here in Austin I fucking adore but you You leave there spending like $2,000 on like four items But they last forever Yeah it's crazy stuff It's like but it's high end But it's like pieces that no one else can wear Like these Japanese pants

They're the japped pants. Dude. And people get like, you know, obviously the fucking the basement dwelling mom suckers that watch this show are going to hate them. They're going to call me gay. But like people that have any idea of what they're talking about, these are really nice fucking comfortable pants.

There's not, there's... Fashion for it is what I'm saying. There's not another dude in comedy that's high energy and angry enough to get away with those pants. 100%. everybody everybody wants to say something

about those pants and they're terrified of what will happen well I know I'm not wearing them on fucking stage I get to be myself when I'm not on stage I dumb it down

for me you don't think I dumped down on stage dude you wore that like belly shirt on stage yeah that's gonna put it in the dryer the button wasn't supposed to come out it literally looks like you like

you like rip the bottom off of it to like make a tourniquet for somebody like gold's gym dude my you fucking love my gym dude you would love it so hard it's old school man I used to go to this place called Masseos I told this before with no

no work boots on the treadmill sign yeah like the fuck it's like exposed brick like behind you but like cement fucking boulders and all of the stuff it's been open since like 81 or something like that hasn't changed a bit

that's great all the equipment outside of some updated like rubber plates for the CrossFit fucking nerds yeah I can't dude brother they don't play music there and I forgot my fucking headphones and when I say I've always shit on CrossFit kids because they're their theater kids the biggest dorks you could imagine in high school

that finally find a grouping when they grow up and they think this is their sport because it is it's what they've been missing out on their whole life yeah and they fucking nerd out they meet up at like 10 a.m they go on fucking you know

beer crawls where they all get fucked up after one and a half they're all oblong and weird shaped the dudes are they're corn fed but they're fucking jacked and giant yeah but they have zero personalities

and I could hear what they're talking about this fat redhead was sorry this fat redhead was doing like deadlifts or whatever and he goes off on on Thanksgiving items he's like the people that and he's talking like the people that pretend to love keyline pie are the same people that pretend to love oysters no you don't

no you don't and then this fucking this lizard of a lesbian she's got like tattoos on a bald head and she dresses in these thick chunky vans that like and she's got fucking pigeon toes I hate this bitch I hate everything she wears It's like going to like fucking What's that place in the mall Fucking

God I hate that I Spencers Spencer's gifts Everything is a different vibrant color with a wild fucking And she thinks this is like style She looks like fucking Eddie Neutron or some shit

I don't know what it is But And she goes back and forth with him And I'm listening to a food conversation now Now I'm invested You're engaged So I did like seven sets on this fucking machine because I want to finish this conversation

with the dick and I didn't bump in but he's like except for my one friend who choose oysters ever now and then I'm like oh nobody choose oysters and it's like dude you're eating something because you're fucking 400 pounds you fat fuck because now I'm pissed because like oysters are great I used to have that same mentality when I was

10 well dude he's in fucking Texas he's probably talking about golf oysters golf oysters golf oysters suck true guess what we're having on Sunday oysters and champagne but New England stuff Yep

New England You gotta get it from the Pacific Northwest or the Northeast Yep There's the only way Yep We got it all

Whatever's going on in the Gulf Those like mud oysters Are just fucking disgusting Yeah Yeah And we're gonna make Crudeau

We're gonna make some Bluefin Crudeau With some caviar and some basil oil. Okay. We're going to do it right off the whole fish. He's going to cut it right in front of us, dude. It's a lavish lifestyle.

Yeah, that's what I want to see. I want to see, like, do you think they have like a full tuna in there? They can cut apart? Yeah, they do. Yeah, the guys are working all day long. This guy Josh and Jonathan, these kids got fucking 17 blades in front of them, and they're just deboning these fresh fish. And you could just buy it.

So once he gets done this giant tuna, you'll give me a pound of that tuna. Take it home. Make your own shit. So it's an actual monger. That'd be... Brother. Yeah. This is going to...

I'm telling you, Sunday's going to change your mind about a lot of raw fish. In another life, I could be a fishmonger. I would love cutting fish. I think you'd be great at it because you got that psychotic fucking mentality that once you lock in. Just like looking at the ground and not recognizing my feet, maybe if you locked into a fish. Oh, dude. Yeah, and you get when you get really get good at it. I love, I can watch those videos where they just like hack one, hack one up in like five minutes.

I knew it. We don't have a lot of space behind the back and I was like, we came up with an idea. Maybe you and we can sit on the other side of like the oyster thing. And I was like, there is not a shot in hell. Chris is not going to be next to me. Give me that knife. Let me ruin this $7,000 piece of tune. Oh, dude, just the sharpening of the knives alone.

dude to say is just yeah yeah this is age this is age and maturity this is why we drink I want that little machine that measures

like how sharp something is whatever that yeah yeah yeah yeah I can't get enough of that dude I'm thinking about ordering that leather strap

and doing it the blade sharpening they do it on their own they run it through because right now I have the the diamond coated mill where it's like sectioned off it goes

one two three so you start off here and it's a little more coarse and it already has the specific 9 degree angle or 9 or 12 I forget what it is on the first one and you just run it through the pass and then you go to 2 and it's a little more fine

so it refines it that's for like a totally fucked knife though right like when you're trying to get really down to like taking it already sharp knife and making it perfect you do you need that with your if you have a decent knife

knife that's not a block from fucking Kmart If you're spending a few hundred hours on one chef's knife Like you should be re-should and you're using it Because why else would you buy that knife? Yeah You should be resharpening every six or 12 months You should redo that whole process But you can bring a dog shit knife back to life for sure

But all of them need to be sharpened That's what I like. There's an Irish guy that'll find just like an old axe Like a rusted axe And just remake the handle And sharpen and clean the head And it's like, dude, there's a guy that does cast iron pants. I get locked in.

He'll go to like a flea market in Alabama and find this fucking cast iron that's 100 years old. And then just like, he'll buzz through it with this, you know, saw kind of thing that the circular saw and get all the shit off that's been there for years. And then you just see this gleaming fucking cast iron that lasts forever if you treat it correctly. Yeah. Like a good cutting board, dude. I spend fucking 800 hours in this new cutting board. that gets me so hyped rugs

cutting boards fucking candles lamps god I'm fucking you're right I am fucking 75 it's the beauty of the internet though is that like if you just commit

to any one of those things you could have a channel with fucking 10 million followers just being like I want to see restore a chair I want to see cut a fish

I want to see a sharpen a knife you could just go forever deep into that stuff cleaning BB guns you could pick anything people are like yeah this guy rules it's literally it's like 80 20 it's like all you need is like 20% of personality but if you get that fucking ASMR going and some some techniques yeah put that in the hands of a good editor yeah fuck yeah we should stop editor is one of the is secretly hard words to say editor editor editor editor editor yeah i didn't think about that thanks editor yeah yeah when you haven't said it in a while so you

see it coming down the pike and you go yeah man we're cooking now huh what a pause editor is a hard word to say it is very challenging very challenging dude it's like we sound like two mpr guys that got drugged editor that's a hard word to say i would love to yeah be so nice to do you think you be a good voice actor for uh for audiobooks do i i don't think so i don't think i've got i don't think i have a good voice for people to like believe that they're in that book you know that's funny i like i feel like i have the kind of voice or almost instantly you'd be like who's reading this book what's that guy like not even listening

to what he's saying i'm just wondering how this guy got this job. Yeah, you sound like you're reading the book in a Starbucks while annoyed. Yeah, so then Jeremy comes out of nowhere. I do, that is, that is one thing that I do want to do, though.

I want to read a book one day. Yeah, me too, man. For like, yeah. Reading, for, for like an audio book. Oh, I think, man, just read a book. I'm getting there. Let's just start there, too. Let's just get through.

I've been getting back into it, dude. I got some short stories going. I talked to Sam Talon. He gave me some recommendations. Yeah. I mean, what else you're going to do? You're fucking, again, you're painting mailboxes out there. Of course you're going to get the reading and coffee shops.

Those are like my layers of depression. It's like as I really start to slide, it's like I start reading books. And then if you go really deep, start working out. This is why you got to get you back home. start sharpening your blade your personality cannot start fading and dulling to go towards this better help bullshit i i got to do it though i got i got i got to start i didn't i didn't mean that brand wise yeah yeah you know what i mean yeah the one of our favorite ones you start drifting into the examined life you're it's not good yeah well then you start going how much time ever wasted

i could have been doing this yeah you know it's like you you you're you turn on jeopardy they start it's like countries of africa and you're like i should just be studying a map i had an hour yesterday where i could just look at a map yeah it's like everyone you get you get these fucking reels of of these i don't know these hoity toity fucking pompous cocksuckers going like absorb absorb all the information in the world you should be reading absorbing learning yep it's like yeah but you know you got to be living too it's it's it you got to be living too it's it's It's a balance. People don't...

It's... How quickly life goes on. It's like, okay, cool. When I'm fucking 75 drooling all over my shirt, you're not going to ask me how many fucking countries I can name in Northern Africa. Because that's when I could really nail it. Because I wasted fucking months doing it. No, but it's like, no, I...

Let me tell you some VF... VFW stories. You know, let me tell you some pool hall championships. I know, but then there's also the old guy that's kind of the man. Like, I love the old, like the old, old Irish guys, you know, that, like, they always will tell you a story or they'll, like, they'll, like, they'll, like, they read your line of poetry, just like, they'll just fucking fire one off. I hate that. And you'll think, you'll think whatever's going on with you is really unique and they'll just throw some, some line at you. And you go, no, fuck, that got, somebody wrote that?

Yeah. Yeah, no. Yeah, someone wrote that, like, 400 years ago. They were going through the exact same thing. now you break up my conversation with my buddy about masturbation with some fucking Walt Whitman quote but if it's on the money

if it's on the money if it's masturbation related Walt Whitman he was big into jacking off well yeah I mean who wasn't what fucking he would go down he would go down and look at like civil war soldiers and see them just like young

and like brutalized and he would just then he'd go home and jack off to it right right opponent about it. That's for real. That's how he got in the right bombs. Just to stop jerking off? No, he was like, he was writing poems because he was like, he was like gay in New York City and

like he's just in love with everyone, wanted to fuck everybody. And then, you don't have to be gay for that. Yeah. But, you know, people were against it. And then, uh, yeah, he was like, let me go someplace where no one's going to give a fuck. And he went down and he was just like in Civil War hospitals, like right behind the front lines. It's just checking out the young hard bodies. Getting their leg cut off,

watching them scream and pain and being like, glazing some armless soldier. Yeah. He was wild. I didn't know that. Yeah. I knew he was gay. I didn't think he was like obviously repressed at that time period.

Yeah, I mean, imagine if like women were the ones that like fought in wars. You know what I mean? And there was a place you'd go and like they'd have like their legs. cut off and they'd be like missing an arm but like you just see naked bodies all the time wait wait hold on that's what he was doing oh okay but

but you're also trying to infer that I'd like to see limbless naked women I'm just saying if it was like 1860s like there's not a lot of porn available okay so a legless woman on a stretcher

check out their fits post. Just try. I look. Just trying to get you into the mind of Walt Whitman. Oh, what a sick fuck. Yeah. Dude, if I see gang green fighting through some gauze, I don't care what that woman looks like. I can't just be beating off thinking about a little salamander. I think if you search your soul, you're not that far. I didn't beat off to some weird shit. I did fuck a girl with that one arm once. Really? yeah

like with one arm behind your back or like she had one arm no I always fuck a girl with one arm behind her back that's like one of my moves oh really yeah it's a it's a big porn move I've seen sometimes you put one arm back and they hold this one and just grab her wrist and her forearm

I get too worried about their joints I worry that a shoulder's gonna pop out yeah no I went to Drexel University as you know we had trimesters so we didn't go to spring break when when others did yeah so we went to this time share in florida and it didn't it didn't link up with with any other college around that area so it was just

older women and then us you got you got a little off season you get a little off season pussy all season bus yeah and her one she was she was sharing a question now no no spring break was last week. Bringing the new herd. Come on. Come on. Let's see who you got this week. Come on in, hon.

Wheelchairs are clanking. But no, I yeah, I started hooking up with this girl. It wasn't a full. It was just like she didn't have the hear down. It was like a nub from her

from her elbow. Elbow down, gone. That's pretty cool. And she was hot. Yeah. Yeah. And then we started going to these bars, and then finally we saw her the next day at the pool.

And she just said, hey, my room keys underneath my mat when you get home from the bar, if you want to come by. And I was like, whoa. It's 22. I was like, absolutely. She was probably 3540. Yeah. Which is like, you know, that's the fucking milf.

That's a lot of can you hold my purse, though? Because she couldn't. Let me tell you something, Chris. You date a girl with one arm. There's going to be a lot of hold my purse. Yeah. Did she wear jeans with pockets that she could actually put stuff in? She had to have. No, just cargoes.

Electricians, cargos. She's wearing parachute pants. No, but then, yeah. And then we just started hooking up. Turns out two days later, she goes, hey, I've got to tell you something. My fiancé's on his way. And I was like, what's that? And she goes, yeah, obviously you can't say anything.

We're just going to pretend we don't know each other at the pool. So her fiancé comes in the town. So now we're all like hanging out of the pool. And I'm like, I've been dogging this chick for three fucking nights in a row. Oh my goodness. And I'm like, what a maniac she didn't tell me this. So now I'm like kind of paranoid. But then there's another little hottie that we started hooking up with.

And this girl got jealous. So the girl that's engaged when her dude would go like to the bathroom. And I wasn't talking to this young hot girl. she'd be like what are you doing don't you think she's too young I'm like too young I'm fucking 22 years old she's like 21 and she's like oh whatever I just thought

maybe you know I just think it's weird so she like started getting fucking attitude with me because we were having sex for three nights yeah so imagine her fucking fiance she just gets up and her nubs like flying around like can I talk to you for a second

it's like what dude just swinging nub gonna yell at me when you're fucking Arrogance. Yeah, you got to leave well enough alone. Yeah, and this is what I'm saying about earlier. You've got to hit a woman.

You got to be able to hit one. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. One-armed lady. That is not okay. Yeah. That is not okay. They got to be healthy and fully-bodied.

Yeah, and even then, taking a life in your hands. Shout out that time share. Also, I told you this story. I'm exactly like my father. My dad tells me. Yeah, I told you this. I told you this. I have a whole other family.

So this story is fucking, I swear I got ahead to tell this. So I apologize. I saw Old Stuff Islanders. But that same weekend, I meet this girl at a bar. It's the very last night. We have a flight at like 6.30 in the morning the next day. So we go out. I meet this girl at the bar.

She's like, hey, come home with me. And I'm like, we have a flight at 6.30. I can't. This is like before cell phones. right it's like 2001 yeah i think before like you know we could afford cell phone yeah yeah yeah not that the technology wasn't around but no no you had it was only like guys on wall street yeah it was a one step above the car phone yeah 100 percent i was like if i could go with you if you drive me home you know i got i got to get back here by like three she's like fine i just

have to take a stop at my friend's house i got to pick something up so we get in her car we friend's house 20 minutes later she comes out with this plastic bag full of something i didn't know what it was i didn't know it was like sex toys drugs don't know don't care i was like let's just go and we go to this motel as the car pulls up we park into this spot another car right behind her stops with all the lights on like almost like that yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah trick yeah yeah you're about to get abducted i i see him i'm like what the fuck this dude gets out in a wife beater and he screaming. Get the fuck out of the car. Get the fuck out of the car. And he's like on my side. And I'm like, who fuck is this? And she goes, oh my God. She drops her fucking keys. She's like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm married. So then the guy goes, this is my fucking wife. I'm like, I'm like, I'm through the glass. I didn't know that. She never fucking told me that. And then she gets out. She's like, Fred, I never told him or whatever the fuck his name was. I never told him. He doesn't know. This is my fault. So then I get out. I'm wearing a fucking, a vlore, uh, Sean John.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Yeah, nobody's, nobody's buying that you didn't know. Yeah. No one's buying that. Dude. Yeah. You didn't know in the Sean John? Yeah.

That's the one piece I'm fucking your wife tonight. And then he gets close to me and I'm like, dude, he could have a knife or a gun or something. And I at that time I was like fucking, I was jacked. I was like 195 pounds. all upper body like I was fucking ripped and he put his hand on my on my arm because I was like trying to flex scare him all for something I didn't want to fight this guy and then I fucking I just ran I just ran down the street and there was just a fucking empty highway no street lights and I had to go to a pay phone call my friend who I knew his number because back then you memorized friends

and I said come get me I'm on this street I don't know where the fuck I'm at They, we go to the airport. I'm telling my friends this fucking story. They're like, no way. I'm like, dude, fucking nuts. He just picked me up in the middle of fucking nowhere, Florida. What do you mean you don't fucking believe this? Five minutes goes by.

We're in line to get on the plane. She shows up with her friend crying in front of me going, I'm so sorry. I didn't tell you all that kind of shit. And all my buddies are like, is her face just covered in lumps? What happened with Fred? I don't know.

I don't know if she made it out. You know what I mean? I don't know what happened with that. Another one-armed lady down there in Florida. I mean, that's even crazier, the fact that she didn't stick with Fred going, I fucked up. She goes, I got to get to the airport, find out where they're going back to Philadelphia, find a departures. How did she even get in? Oh, wait.

She did that just to talk to you? Yes. Oh, that's bizarre. She came to tell me I'm sorry. That's bizarre. Yeah, so that's I mean, that's like the most Florida story of all time That whole week was just like

I can't even get into the young girl I mean, what is the Fred guy? I'm engaged Yeah, is the Fred guy just the dumbest guy on earth? Would she like, I gotta go for a little bit? Yeah, she also wasn't fucking an engineer. Yeah, you're in Florida timeshare, dude I'm gonna knock around what I can.

Yeah. All right. That's why I'm softer. Yeah, all right. Yeah, Chris, I love you. Yeah Let's go to the page Get out to the page

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On Patreon Oh There you go A little cliffhanger Tom Is Am I doing it right We should have

done this four years ago Yeah. You know, that's what everybody else does. All right, I'm cutting. Wait to hear the fin. All right. Perfect.

Yeah. No, don't let me get through that. That's embarrassing.