Stuff Island - Creek Mystique w/ Dan Soder - Stuff Island #105

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Dan on IG: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder/ Use promo code STUFFISLAND25 at itsskinny.com to save 25% on your first purchase! Go to shipstation.com and use code STUFFISLAND today and sign for your FREE 60-day free trial  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Danny, be prepared for success. I'm excited. Colored buttons. You got a DJ board? You're going to have rich, chocolatey tones. Oh, I can't wait. I cannot wait. Yeah, you're like your voice needs anymore.

Yeah, you listen to the podcast, it's just like... Yeah, girls are just putting their phones on their pussies. Oh, cool. Tommy and Chris did an hour with a foghorn. Just listening to every other comic, and then as soon as Dan starts speaking, you're like, well, it's weird to write jokes. You got to really...

Did you get into the... voice israel palestine conflict on podcast me too yeah i'm too stupid uh no this is the first i've talked about this will be i i'm dumb no no this is why you don't yeah yeah you can't i uh this is like a dad and i'm still sure that iraq's got weapons of mass destruction yeah if you want to know how my mind's made up yeah i'm pretty sure iraq did 9-11 so i don't know if you guys want to get a great marketing on their behalf i mean yeah it's it's stuff where you i don't understand it at all and i'm like i'm not gonna going to try. Why would I try? There's playoffs. Playoffs. I was joking around with Tuma that like,

just because fucking, I think Ja Rule or whatever, they asked Ja Rule. Great. Always, that's the only good journalism left, is asking these dipshits very complicated questions. He's like, I don't know. I'm Tom Rule. You asked me, I gotta admit.

I'm a 90s hip-hop artist. Dude, I love, first off, Corduroy Cholo. Thank you so much, man. Don't start like this. What's up, dude? You're a little formal. That's what I mean. What's up, dude? You're a little formal. What's up, man?

I represent South America today, man. Yeah, bro. You got a kissing era you're going through. We're coming up. Boy, you look nice. It's getting cold. Job interview show. Where do I see myself in 10 years? Still representing,, Steve.

Still growing down for this company, bro. I'll say this again. The biggest bust I ever had was Shane. I wore a turtleneck. He goes, look at Steve Jobless. That hit me so hard. I shrunk an inch. I was like 5 11 you strike me as a guy that could wear a turtleneck with a necklace well on top well let's go this is my next you did yeah chris

chris and i try that we look like minor leaguers that lost a bet yeah yeah definitely like did you have to dress up like one of your dominicano teammates you're the most fashionable out of the three of us spending spending your whole signing sign on bonus on one outfit that you'll never get to the fucking minors i love it i love it how pumped are you guys for phillies right now it's so fun it's so they they're just like, they're a video game team. Yeah. Yeah. But I start to get worried, like, how, you know, can you keep this up? Yeah. This is like an unbelievable amount of consistency. The biggest worry in football, I mean, in baseball, especially in the playoffs,

is you don't want to sweep a team and have the team you're about to play go seven. Yeah. Because then they come in white hot. Yeah. what happens with the wild card teams yeah and they the other the first every sport yeah it's just if you're warmed up yeah that's how the giants won three world series they would like take seven to beat the cardinals in the nlcs and then get to the world series when the american league won in like three or four and then they just win yeah the team's been off for two weeks. Yeah.

They're like, the season's still going on? Yeah, dude. Well, you want the break for the pitchers, but everybody else you want, just keep mowing. Keep mowing. I'm also,

this Philly team is so fun. I know, but they've got the first away game they've had in a while coming up. I'm nervous about that. You know what's crazy is the Rangers have played like two away, two home games

in seven games in the playoffs there's seven and oh in the playoffs and only two of those games have been at home holy shit yeah i'm not worried about that that wouldn't be i i mean i think it's gonna be rangers phillies i think so too i would love but bruce bocce you gotta worry about bocce bocce can wear a chain outside of a turtleneck god damn right yeah. Bochy could probably use the N-word. Is he the manager for the Dressel or something? Bochy's so old school that if they, I don't know, man.

He doesn't wear socks and he wears cleats. Seriously? No, I don't know. Oh, God. I thought he had stink lines coming off of like a cartoon when he peels those things off. Just a natural blur. It goes over his mouth whenever he sees it.

Yeah, he's like, boop. Why are you guys getting all weird about it? off. Just a natural blur over his mouth whenever he says it. Why are you guys getting all weird about it? He's been doing it for 30 fucking years. He's a great manager. He just loves saying the N-word. I feel like those are the best managers. Remember Jim Leland? His mustache has so many

N-bombs on it. He would just smoke Marlboro Lights. I remember when this was a white man's game. Just a push-pull mustache with nothing but fury behind it. And Miguel Cabrera just coming up being like, shut up, Jim Leland. He's like, it's a goddamn home run. You can have

as many DUIs as you want. Coaching the Detroit Tigers? Yeah, dude. He was awesome. Also, Miami's playing the Eagles this weekend. I know. I know. Daniel. Well, I'm more hype.

I mean, you know me. December 3rd. You're San Fran still, right? You're San Fran. Yeah. And then Miami because you're a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, specifically with the Eagles, December 3rd, 49ers, Eagles.

We're going. You going? No. No. How do people outside of Philadelphia understand this? We don't want to go to your stupid fucking stadium. You guys are mean. You're mean.

Who's mean right now? I am. Who's being mean? Because I'm outside of that goddamn collection. I walk backwards to get you a coffee with cream. By the way, this is so good. Actually, eat it. Thank you.

This is so good. They're not mean. Can I just stop my being mean? Where is the shift here, Stan? You're just not allowed to enjoy yourself while you're there. That's the only rule. I just don't want to be worried I'm going to have to fight at any moment. This is not real.

First season of the 49ers having Kyle Shanahan, we were like 0-6 playing you guys, 0-5. C.J. Beathard was the quarterback. It was an absolute absolute i think it was the year you guys might have won the super bowl it was the year you just dominated us people were still talking shit to me down 38 nothing yeah and they're like you kill him just screaming my favorite thing that happened at the eagles were you decked out foot off the gas no i had a poncho on because it was raining most of the time. I had a red. They saw the red.

You guys were like, that's not even much. You guys were animals. It was just like this. It was just peeking out. Your eyes are too bloodshot in a 49ers game. They're like, who are you fucking

rooting for? It's like, no, I did coke in the Bay Area. Are you from the Bay Area? And you're like, no, I grew up in Colorado, but I like 49ers. Yeah, no, I'm on Oxys, dude.

Yeah. It was wild. My favorite thing that happened was we still had Eric Reid, who was taking a knee during the National Anthem. And man, that National Anthem started, and Eric Reid and a couple of those Niners took a knee. And the funniest part to me was what they were yelling. Because everyone was like, get the fuck up.

Stand up. Stand the fuck up. It's disrespectful. And I was like, you guys were yelling during the anthem. Like the national anthem is being said. And people are screaming. And you're going like, this is more disrespectful than this guy just taking a quiet knee. It was so funny.

I was having such a, I was like, I was like stuffing my shirt under my poncho. Check this fucking guy out, huh? My uncle killed innocent Vietnamese children for this. Yeah, shut up. My uncle wiped out a village off the Da Nang. No, like, you know how like college has like the band in the corner? Yeah. We have like a in the corner? Yeah.

We have a plumber's unit. Yeah. Pipe fitters 213. And they go sing a song to them after every game. It just wouldn't be. You're kneeling next to that. You're getting. Yeah.

The game for me, 49ers Eagles, is going to be so much fun to watch because there's so much on the line. You guys, Shane, Jay, all my friends that are Eagles fans, no way I'd want to go. I'd go if it was in San Francisco. I don't know, though. Because you've got the Cholos now. You didn't know that, did you?

I'm starting to get worried. I'm starting to get worried. I did this for the red bit, but this is a real thing. I'm starting to get worried because the'm starting to get worried. I did this for the red bit, but this is a real thing. Yeah. I'm starting to get worried because the last game was very concerning with Hurts. You just signed Julio Jones. Yeah. You have the best.

Julio Jones. He still got gas. They had to literally dust him off. Yeah, that's great. That's like one of these records where they go. Yeah. All right. Let's see what this has got. Let's see if the Bee Gees run just as welldaniel taking you guys on miami's a very fun team and my number two team

it's number one it's you know what it's 49ers are 1a dolphins are 1b because i'm very proud of mcdaniel yeah and i think it's gonna to be a fucking game. Yeah. I don't know. I think your defense is better than Miami's. It is. But Miami's offense is better than ours. But that Miami offense is like. It's deadly. It's insane.

It's so fun. It's like the Eagles office. He's just in his office like. He's just drawing shit up. Dude, it's a Phillies lineup right now. Yeah. You guys just have weapons. It's nuts.

Top to bottom. I always want to know how that guy spends his day. Working on football. It's just all football all day. Off season is normal. Once training camp starts, don't try to text him. You've got to text his wife. You've got to go through the proper channels.

He ain't going to pick up. He is literally working all the time. We went down there for the Broncos game when he put up 70 on him. Jesus Christ. Hold on. Was that personal? There was something personal there, no?

Yeah, he moves like, he really is so analytical that everything was like, oh, I'm going to, like how he explained it to me was just everything worked. Yeah, yeah. He was like, everything worked. It's like playing Madden and all your plays work. You're playing your little brother and you're like, you're going to stop this at all.

I don't think, what I've noticed from knowing him as long as I have is, it's, what we feel for the NFL, they don't feel. Yeah, what? It's like machines. It's like porn. You know when you start watching porn and you're like, oh, these guys have sex all the time. It's a job to them.

Yeah, yeah. It's not, they don't take it like,'s not like oh boy the broncos he's like whatever i gotta run this i'm gonna run this formation against if they show this it's just like how you don't think coming up with a new play is like writing a new bit that's exactly yeah yeah oh no he loves that shit yeah he's got that mind too that's why he's funny he like creates stuff he loves like creating stuff i asked him that i was like how is it this season he's like it's so much fun because i'm i'm in i'm like locked in yeah yeah and you're like yeah it's fun to watch yeah it's amazing definitely fun to watch yeah it's uh i hope he wins the super bowl i'm afraid to spend that money

for that game to get i'm gonna wait until the next couple chris sunday night too chris already has tickets for it he bought tickets it It's Sunday night at the Link? Yeah. Yeah, 820. I love it. It's a Sunday night game. We get home from Rochester. Dude, our next lineup is what? It's Miami, Dallas, the Bills.

San Francisco. Niners, Dallas again. And then finally we get a break. We get the Giants and Washington. One of those two teams beat us every year. That's like the Niners with the Cardinals and the Rams. Yeah, you're going to lose to a team that's so less. Seahawks and the Cardinals always steal one.

How great's October? It's the greatest month. Dude. Dude. I don't even think it's up for debate. Give me another month that comes close. Maybe December because everyone's a little nicer because of Jesus's birthday.

Yeah, early February if you're in the Super Bowl is the only comparable feeling. But that's even like... maybe December, because everyone's a little nicer, because of Jesus' birthday. Yeah, early February, if you're in the Super Bowl, is the only comparable feeling. But that's even like... And that's not even... But you get the ride, so that's multiple months. You know what, the Super Bowl of February is like being drunk, getting a ride home, and someone gives you an extra beer,

and you're like, this is the best. Yeah. And then the next day, you're like, that was horrible. Yeah, do not do that. That's fucking New Year's. Yeah. So it's the last big event that you give a shit about. Yeah.

And then you're in squalor. That's why I love it. You got to pretend you like your hockey team. Oh, I'm getting into hockey though. Dude, yeah. Who's your squad for hockey? Boston Bruins because of the lady. Oh.

I was a free agent. Katie likes the Boston Bruins. Their family is a huge hockey family. Yeah. So now I'm in. Because I was like the girlfriend. Did I ever tell you guys that Bill Burr story? No.

About Sam Murill and Joe Mackey were having a birthday party at Playwrights near Carolines, that bar. Yeah. And I had one spot. It was a Friday night. I had one spot at 7 p.m. I love that bar, by the way. Upstairs, corner by the window.

Great. See it. You can just look out both floors i love i love playwrights when i was drinking yeah um so i have one spot at like 7 p.m and then a spot at the cellar at like 145 in the morning yeah nothing to do and sam was like come by this birthday party at playwrights i was like great i show up and both of them are like yeah bill burrs over there watching the stanley cup and i was like what and they're like yeah bill burrs over there watching the stanley cup i was like really and i walk over there and i kind of know bill i don't know bill that well but i walk over there he's like what's up danny boy take a seat and it was the bruins blackhawks so it's his team yeah yeah playing the blackhawks and it's an unbelievable series i've never felt like more of a bitch than sitting there being

like who are we cheering for like that energy where i go are the good guys winning i don't know shit about why they blow the whistle on that yeah and he's like that's a four check it's like it's like annoying you're annoying bill burthway his wife does in his yeah and he's like that's a four check it's like it's like annoying you're annoying bill burr the way his wife does in his bits where he's like where i go he looks happy oh he looks happy i don't know i don't know what i'm doing but the last dude you want to look like that oh my god the last one of my heroes yeah and i gotta look just like an absolutely like a nutless freak oh this is fun but i like if they don't use the buckles like a nutless freak. Oh, this is fun. But I like... I hope they don't use the buckles

like on rollerblades. Are the blades sharp? Do they ever cut each other? Absolutely dumb shit. But yeah, that was like, all right, maybe I'm cool. I don't need to know hockey.

And I just have been floating around. Dude, it's fun. Bruins games are fun as fuck. I went to one after Thanksgiving. Yeah. Two years ago. Yeah. It was so much because their family has seasonR.B.E. 00R.B.E. 00R.B.E. 00R.B. 00R.B. 00R.B. 00R.B.

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It was awesome. It was me listing Gary Veeder and I like left and I was like, that was fucking great. Yeah, it'll change your thought process. Yeah. Live hockey is unbelievable. And they're the toughest motherfuckers. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah.

So I'm like, Katie's whole family. Her brother was awesome. Her brother Kevin was awesome at hockey. They're like a whole hockey family yeah he still plays like intramural stuff and it was like oh well i'm a total free agent yeah and we don't have any teams it kind of hurt my cred mcdaniel going to the dolphins because they're pats fans yeah so now twice a year i gotta be like sorry my friend's toasting your squad they had their time. It's okay. Your friend can get a couple wins. By the way,

Boston sports fans, no one feels bad you're losing. Thank you, dude. You had two decades. Outside of that fucking 1908, they haven't won since 1918,

the Babe Ruth trade, all that shit, I wanted the Red Sox to, I was like rooting for them. The way I would root for the Jets. Yes. The way I'm rooting

for Miami in a way, right? The way I'm rooting for Cleveland. Cleveland. Say it any detroit the lions are the lions have that oh four red socks heat right now yeah where everyone's going like these fucking guys are doing it yeah and they're fun to watch yeah yeah but people refuse to understand like boston saw the celtics the bruins were fucking deadly the celtics got one. The Bruins got a couple. The Red Sox got three. And then the Patriots were winning one every other year.

Yeah, I meant the previous two decades. Boston was always a force. We were just worried about the Red Sox not getting a win in 100 and something years. Who gives a shit? I think that's like, I call that like the Duke effect. Where like Duke win was under Coach K, Duke was just winning so much that you're like, you're the villains.

You guys suck because you win all the time. So it's not what the Yankees were in the late 90s. It was easy to hate the Yankees. That's what the Patriots are now. Everyone's like, boo-hoo, I guess. You had everything. You want like Philadelphia is a sports city where you guys are starting to be like Boston when they started winning.

Because you guys are like, you got the Super Bowl with the Eagles. That was like a little drop in the bucket. But now, last season, you had the Phillies in the World Series, Eagles in the Super Bowl. You guys lost them all. Yeah.

But it means you guys are close. I'll hear this out. You guys are, I'll tell you right now, a couple of those those hit on that ticket if you get a sixers title in the next two years another eagle super bowl and the phillies win one are you going to compare us to fucking boston i'm going to start saying you guys are making that switch daniel that would be give me a coffee phenomenal i'm but it's a great thing it's a good problem yes but people don't understand like that that super bowl championship was unbelievable right before that we were nfc champs four years in a row yeah we won the division like

six or something i don't i don't know exact numbers so we were winning consistently just never got the chip the last time we got it was 19 we lost in 1980 to the raiders before that eagles team won you guys hadn't been in the NFC Championship game since Andy Reid. Yes. Those three in a row. Yes, yes. And people, that was like a run,

listen, the Niners just did that run. Yeah. The Niners have done three NFC Championships in four years. Yeah, you guys are gonna be dirty for a long time. But it's like,

this might be it for us. This might be the last, you gotta re-sign, Trent Williams is in his last year. There's a lot of guys. I love watching him, speaking of Eagles Niners, I love when trent

williams gets physical and it scares other grown men when he fucking threw your guy 42 after you guys were already winning and we got in that scrap at the end and trent williams just hooked a grown man yeah and you see him walking back to the locker room and whoever's on the eagle staff is like i know buddy i know and then last week before the browns fight whoever's on the eagle staff is like i know buddy and then last week before the browns fight he's not even supposed to be touching what is that he was mean but last week they're walking to the they're like browns niners are getting into it and you see people and then you see he comes you just see the whole group be like yeah all right we're kidding we're kidding well we got a couple of those Well, we got a couple of those girls now.

We got a couple of those girls. You guys got to. They're fucking monsters. I'm very excited for Eagles 49ers. Yeah. I'm very, very excited. I don't know yet. I'll check back in in a couple weeks.

I'm very excited. As they stay healthy. If both teams stay healthy, that's going to be. Yeah. Because, you know, we went to that barbecue at Kyle U's Checks. Oh, yeah. And that was the first thing U's Check and Kittle said to Shane. Yeah.

We're coming. They're like, we're coming for the Eagles. yeah. And that was the first thing Juszczyk and Kittle said to Shane. Yeah, we're coming. They're like, we're coming for the Eagles. And I was standing behind Shane being like, say it louder. Yeah, I was pissed. I still think we're facing like a generation of Boston fans that are going to be a problem. What do you mean? Okay, people love pasta, but they hate the baggage that comes along with it. The bloated feeling after consuming a bowl of spaghetti, the hunger that sets in an hour after eating six ounces of empty carbs, the tension between eating healthy and enjoying what they eat.

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Don't understand not losing. Yes. It's like a hot chick with. Don't understand not losing. Yes. It's like a hot chick with giant fucking heaters. Yeah. Yeah. She's beautiful. And then she gets to college and something goes awry. God, the fucking.

And you're like, you got nothing there. When the seams pop, they're going to be, it's going to be 2026. Then she's like a hairdresser. My grandma's like that. My grandma's 95 and. She's hot again? No, but yeah, now she's so hot. We could tell in the, in the thirties and forties, she was a hot lady. Yeah. But she's so hot we could tell in the in the 30s and 40s she was a

hot lady yeah but that's all she had yeah that's all they were allowed to have yeah so now her fastball is not there anymore yes and she doesn't get why people are just taking her yard every throw yeah she's got to pay for at ihop every time i don't understand you go well i'm gonna tell you this right now lady the last time you were fuckable mussolini was in power your nipples are in your socks that's why people are being rude to you yeah your arm looks like a road map it looks like it looks like it's a tube in england it's fucking wild it's you're pretty you're exactly right boston fans are not going to understand why we don't care if they lose. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, it's like if at 20 Christmas just got canceled,

you're like, what happened? Yeah. No, we don't celebrate that anymore. Yeah. I mean, I grew up,

we do it every year. There is none. Yeah. No more presents. No more presents. You got them all. You got them when you were young. Yeah.

Get a part-time job, fucking. We got to fire everyone and rebuild, see if we can get Christmas. We're going to actually go homeless. We got to go move out. We got to sleep outside now. That was how I felt as a San Francisco Giants fan. Because growing up, we lost in 89 against the A's,

and then lost in 03 or or oh four against the angels fucking rally monkey and then it was like we're never gonna win a world series and then they won 10 12 14 yeah and i saw a san francisco chronicle article where they were like yeah young giants fans think this is just what happens every other year year you win the World Series. Yeah. Dude, somehow I went down a rabbit hole. I watched a 35-minute documentary about Tim Lincecum that someone just made on YouTube. That dude's career was insane. The clause that his dad had in his original contract

that he would not work with a pitching coach, that he would not change his delivery style. Oh, I didn't even know about that. Because he was throwing such hot, hot heat that his dad was like, don't fuck with his mechanics. Because he would do that wind-up thing, but then it ended up hurting him. Yeah, of course.

He had to learn how to throw again. Yeah. Like, powerful. Dude. Tim Lentz, there was a girl, and I will not say her name. There was a girl who was tall and skinny, looked like a kabod crane. She had a nose. She was a handsome woman.

Giant ears. She had ears and then long, like, black hair that went down to, like, right at her shoulder length or whatever. Joe List and I were drinking at Cabin Bar. This is, like, 09, 2010. We're drinking at Cabin, and we're, like, getting a beer, and we're waiting to get shots and she comes up to the bar and joe just goes what's up tin lincecum and then turns back

and it got me it got me directly in the chest that i had to go outside because i was like dude i never realized that girl looks exactly like just every time you're around her you're like you put this hat on yeah I was like, dude, list hit me right there. I was like, I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Just every time you're around her, you're like, you put this hat on? Yeah. Can you take a picture with me? Dude, they had Lincecum for like five years in a row pitching like 240 innings a year.

It was nuts. Him and Matt Cain threw like every time, almost every year. Insane. I think the average is like 160 or something. Now you're, you're super into lacrosse. Yeah. Have you gotten anyone?

Has he gotten you to get into it at all? I watched when Drexel plays. Cause we went to Drexel. Yeah. So Drexel is a good squad. But like pro. You also watched the national championship a couple of years ago and it was a fucking sick game. I just, I, I, I support, I support my boys what he loves.

That's fun. If I come out and he's watching lacrosse championships at 930 in the morning, I'm going to crack a beer with him. That's so fun. I'm going to ruin my whole afternoon. Dude, just jumping in on something and being like, oh, man. Also, lacrosse is fun because they score 30 goals combined, both teams. I just can't.

Every time I've tried to watch it, it's like following it. You're like, who's got it? Yeah. And then like a move. No, don't try and learn the moves. It was like watching early UFC where you're like, why is he in pain?

Yeah. He's like, I grabbed his arm. You're like, I didn't even see that happen. Yeah. Didn't even know he did that. There's sort of like, there is sort of a problem. When I show people lacrosse, I kind of realize why it's hard to get into.

Is it the whitest you ever feel? Yeah, of course. It's more just like, it's one of those things where I know how hard what they're doing is, but to the untrained eye, this looks like the stupidest game. You sound like me explaining professional wrestling. I go, no, no, no, no, no. These guys are basically stuntmen. But they're in glitter and baby oil and you go,

it's a little gay. Yeah. Follow me. But like, Follow me. Yeah, like even if I show someone like a highlight reel of stuff, like the goal is, looks so big

and the goalie's not wearing any pads. People watch it and they're just like, why don't they just do that every time? Why don't they just throw it at the net and score? You could say that about any sport. Like, you watch football. Every Sunday, some highlight will come on the screen in red zone. And I'll go, do you understand the athleticism that requires

to spin around going 18 to 20 miles an hour, catch a ball while someone's smoking you the way they react to it like a highlight people just like did he catch it good catch yeah it's like no that man ran through traffic that's a marvel highlight just got hit by a car and caught a ball and you if i lobbed car keys to you you fucking idiot, you'd fumble them in front of your wife. My favorite is when people talk shit to those guys like they can do that. Dude, we had an idea for this.

Me and McKeever had a pilot for Sports Illustrated. We had a sports show where they gave us money to do a pilot. And one of those was we'd take tweets. And I think another show eventually did this. No, Katie Nolan did it. My fiance. Really? She did it. My fiance. Really? She did it on Fox Sports.

She took guys that tweeted. So you're saying she stole our bit? I'm saying, I think you took her bit. I'm thinking you took her bit. This is 10 years ago, dude. Right around the same time? Dude. Sports Illustrated sold my bit to Katie Nolan.

No, she created the bit, and you steved it from her. Yeah, so the actor. She took kickers off Twitter. Well, McAfee's doing it now. Yeah, exactly. Listen, it's not... It is weird, though. I'm not recreating the wheel.

It is crazy in that kind of area. Because she did a thing where she took tweets from people talking shit to kickers and flew them out. It was like, this is the length to kick the field goal. And they were like, not doing it. Yeah. In any capacity, any sport. Yeah. How hard do you think this is the length to kick the field goal. And they were like, not doing it. Yeah. Any capacity, any sport. Yeah. How hard do you think this is?

Baseball. Hit a fastball. The Phillies pitchers. Just a fastball. Let alone a backdoor slider or a slur for whatever they're calling it. People have never actually been to a game and seen someone kick the ball. It's like looking at pictures of the Grand Canyon. You can't grasp.

I'm going to die if I don't have a donkey. When you're at the game and you see someone kick that ball, you're like, what the fuck was that? There's certain things in sports where you're like, a free throw with the game on the line, and someone's like, how do you miss a free throw? You're like, it seems easy in a vacuum yeah i still do that how long until how long until black people are dominating lacrosse i've been asking this uh because

i called skateboarding i don't want to be one of these guys dude i called i called black kids dominating skateboarding about 20 years ago dude it's like baseball needs translators in the locker room right now yeah for white guys or for dominicans and shit dude yeah it's like white journalists yeah i cannot wait there dude you want to go to harvard princeton like go in but jim brown is one of the greatest they changed the rules because of jim brown he's one of the greatest lacrosse players of all time at syracuse. He used to just hold it against his chest and steamroll all those honks. All these honks trying to cat tackle him. He's like, man, I'm Jim Brown.

He's just like, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. WWF lacrosse. I love it. It is a thing. Anytime there's like... I might be wrong about that fact, but that's what I've been told that by lacrosse players. Hey, Katie, so sorry for stealing your bit. Yeah. It's so funny. I was like, I think I've seen it before.

He's like, yeah, my fiance. I don't know, won her an Emmy at Fox. I'll check fucking dates. You know what's crazy, though? She's had shit legit lifted. Yeah, I bet. And then confronted people, and they've been like, yeah, I stole it. No, really?

Yeah, she did a thing before she left ESPN. It was like the Pro Bowl of 2019, where she went around with pictures of dudes and showed it to NFL players, and she said, is this a contestant on the Bachelorette or an NFL kicker? And guys couldn't do it. Guys were wrong. One guy got his own teammate

wrong. I think it might have been Tucker on the Ravens. They're like, I don't know, Bachelorette? He's like, that's Justin Tucker, your kicker. Tucker's hot for a kicker. He's a good looking kicker. But then someone went and just immediately ripped it off. Dude, it's a Gaza Strip out here. You hearing these birds? I don't know.

I'm watching it. It's nuts. Oh, really? Is there a protest? When I walked over here, there was just a helicopter up in the sky. I felt like fucking Leota. Dude, they're not checking 95 traffic. I don't know. what's going on yeah bqe is jammed we got a we got a jam on the bqe my feelings on israel and palestine are also jammed yeah it's also that's the craziest say

the wrong thing from the traffic cop just a just a missile comes up. You gotta bring it down or he goes, and I'm just gonna say the liberation of people should be at the top priority. Dude, it's... Celebrities opening their mouths. I think that's what we learn from everything. Dude, let's go. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. Shut up, you idiots. Nobody cares, Amy Schumer. Nobody gives a fuck. Watching them pander to be like, is this the right one? That's not the right one. Is this the right one? Shit.

Dude, I was joking that it's like I saw that news and it's just like, it's like when the groundhog sees his shadow. It's like, all right, 401 years of religious conflict. Here we go. Well, they're not going to spat that up. Yeah. Your aunt and your uncle fighting at a family thing he goes he hit her in front of the family yeah they're gonna hate each other for another five years we don't know that'd be great if the uncle came in he's like i'm gonna avoid any conflict for family parties for the next 40 days because i can't i can't handle the stress

of what's going on glory i have a fire carlfire. It's like, Carl, you smacked her in the face. It can't be. Nobody gives a fuck if you take a break from social media, you fucking dumb. I got to step back. I wonder if people are doing that. I can't handle this. Do you think people outside of the entertainment industry

are starting to talk like the entertainment industry? I bet it's worse. I bet it's worse. Because I think they ingratiate themselves with what goes viral, right? And they read this message going like, there's some fucking Debbie in Delco right now being like, I have to get off Facebook

because what's going on in the world is really driving me insane. It's affecting my softball relationship with my daughter. Just shut up, bitch. No one's asked you for anything outside of pumpkin pie during the series. Yeah, her statement at a Little League game. I've prepared a statement about Israel and Palestine. Just shut up, bitch. No one's asked you for anything outside of pumpkin pie during the series.

Yeah, her statement at a Little League game. I've prepared a statement about Israel and Palestine. And they're like, Jesus Christ. No, I had a friend. Dear Don. I had a friend that was like in, like is in that kind of world where like every social media post has to like be put into just the context of like world events yeah yeah and so she like she just went on a trip somewhere like on a vacation somewhere and like wanted to post all the vacation photos but had but had to be like under we're going through a lot right now as a world but every once in a while

there's nice moments and it's just just her drinking pina coladas. The Sandals Resort in Barbados was our little getaway from the Gaza Strip. If only we could bring the whole Gaza Strip to Sandals, there would be no more Godwood. Dude, stop. Not everything is about, that's what you're learning is everyone, the more social media you consume,

you're like, everyone thinks it's always about them. I mean, we do it. Everyone does it. And then you're like everyone thinks it's always about them i mean we do it everyone does it and then you're like oh man it sucks but if you don't feel disgust posting a picture or a video knowing like you play the algorithm game going yeah here's a clip from the podcast because the podcast is what we do but you still feel gross all the time imagine being a regular person just like posting a hot pic i jerk off to the idea of in the 80s they didn't have to record every joke there yeah yeah yeah i'm like oh fuck oh fuck i can come up with tags for months and then you got fucking these kids in

boston they're gonna be at their construction jobs like yeah you're not gonna get it get a load of this one two blacks walking to a bar. They rob it. No one can hear but the concrete. Yeah. I think it's like, I hope all of it's saved somewhere so when civilization ends, people can find it and be like, oh, they went nuts. Yeah.

They just went nuts at the end. It might get worse until these sex robots come out. Oh, man. And then you're going to watch. Heal everybody. Yeah, it'll go back down. And then they take over. Social media, you know, yeah.

And then they'll take over. No one knew Terminator was actually going to be hot Japanese fuckbots. That's how we're going to get taken over. We're going to think it's another sex bot that we're going to dump in. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Just headshot, heartshot. I'm here to suck you and fuck you. And you go,

oh, okay. Yeah, come on in, baby. Oh, is that your mission? My mission is to, my CPU is an SEX chip. I'm a fucking computer. You're like, oh, oh.

Just getting, everyone's getting cummed. They just milk us. This is how the fucking Russian spies started. It really was. Yeah, they were like, be hot, poke a martini at a bar, a lounge in fucking Belarus.

Some dirtbag that's in charge of dropping bombs wherever you live is going to be like, yeah, it's all baby. And then she's going to be like, I'm going to suck your cock. You get upstairs, she blows some fucking cyanide in your face. You're Bonzo. You're Bonzo for life. She goes back down, pokes a drink again, waiting for another picket to come around.

Getting all these secrets. Got the secrets out of your briefcase. Yeah. I saw a fucking tweet about there's a factory in Pittsburgh, animatronic factory that got like $800 billion from the American government. What's going on there? Yeah.

You're building sex robots? I don't know. You're building the world? I hope so. It's the only excuse? Yeah, yeah. I hope so. Why don't know the world. I hope so Yeah, I hope why else would you go to Pittsburgh? That's why they hide it in shitty town Well because they know all those steel workers have that work. They have that work ethic. Yeah, where they're like, I'm gonna build pussies for 400 fuck Over here at the 133. It's like the pipehead. I do three things.

I cheer for the Steelers. I love my family. And I build fuckbots. Dude, my brother's in the union. He says that shit all the time. I love that. We'll be on 95 passing like a giant stadium. Like I did the lighting in there.

Yeah, dude. You know that museum? I did all the HVAC in there. Unions are just. You didn't build that fucking building. Unions are just. I make that thing light up every Saturday, 8 to 12.

I fucking put the hard work... Nobody else knows how to do it besides me. They are work gangs. They're just work gangs. They're like, what do you rep, son? 123, get at me. You ain't even licensed.

Local 98, bitch. They're like, oh shit, flex. Oh, flex. get at me morgans buster you ain't even licensed local 98 bitch you know they're like oh shit flex oh flex I ain't no union buster I ain't no rat morgans rat instead of the hand signs

and the dance it's like fucking just how you eat a sandwich yeah that's not even that cheese isn't even melted you're like damn

you are from these streets that's what I always miss about Queens is walking in walking into a deli in Queens and seeing a guy that got crushed in 9-11 and then like a bunch of firefighter badges and you're like,

this sandwich is going to rock ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Extra flame. And then like a Mike Piazza sign. Yeah, something. Vinny Testaverde ate here once, 2004. That was three years after we lost my brother. I know. can you put gravy

on the chicken cutlet again because that shit blew my mind just being completely learning about that living in Queens I was like oh okay

this is awesome there are a couple secret delis around here that are locked in time it's great there's one around the corner Cerizos

we did a look at this oh yeah which we gotta have you on soon obviously I've been dying to eat that cooking. It's coming. It's food porn. It's coming. You guys put it on.

I'll be in a hotel on the road, and you'll put up a new clip, and I'll be like. It's coming, Danny. Yeah, there's a place around the corner. These guys are, they're true wops. I know, dude. It's nuts. I know.

Should we shut the door? Is that sound like hello Welcome back to what's up, Gaza Exactly the time when World War three would start well, can we do the reads? He was going for 30 minutes before we even knew We're ripping on a cast. Turns out they stole your bitch. I don't know.

Did you know McKeever and fucking Tommy did your kicking bit? Did you steal that? Babe, did you steal that? Yeah, you tell me the truth right now. We're in an argument. His cell phones are getting shut down. Oh, you would never believe me. People are just getting all the bread bread and water and toilet paper

we're like my dick's been weird yeah so you think the 49ers are gonna be pretty good yeah it is it is like you see that shit in the middle east and as an american you're like oh things aren't horrible oh yeah yeah yeah it Yeah. Things can be bad for somebody, but you look at that and you go like, oh, all right, well, I'm not covered in dust holding my baby.

It's watching Maury Povich after college when you can't find a job for like the first six months. You're like, I'm good. That's why those shows are so important.

That's why Springer was so important. My dad, my dad being a loser alcoholic dying of drinking himself to death could still put on Springer and be like, oh, he's fucking Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you abandon two families? He's like, nah, this guy.

This guy was fucking his sister. It could be worse. Could be fat. He's idiots. He's coughing up blood. You're the worst parent known to man. But I'm not raising someone else's kid. Well, if it's a if the black baby's mine.

Still got it. Still got it. They can't beat old gear. No matter how many legal proceedings they throw at me. Do you miss the bonfire? Do you miss podcasting so consistently? Yeah, I miss Jay and the crew. I miss the hang.

I'm starting a new one. It's just me and a guest. Let's go. Yeah, I'm starting it in a couple weeks. Really? Can you promote it now? This will come out in two weeks. I don't know if it'll be out in two weeks,

but it'll be out within... When this comes out, it'll be out in two weeks but it'll be out within like into when this comes out it'll be coming in the next couple weeks that's fucking great it's called soda this is me and a guest that's awesome and it's uh it's just to promote gigs dude yeah do people need somewhere to land it's gonna be a half hour it's like masturbate you gotta get the juice out yeah it's just a half hour so it's like listen to it on your ride to work or like when you're going to the grocery store yeah it's not like a four hour podcast where you're like i forgot what happened it's like 30 minutes that i'm gonna have i'm gonna edit yeah so i'm gonna like record an hour and just put out a half hour and be like oh here you go because i joined the podcast thing at the end i'm opening a VCR store in 2002 I'm telling you these tapes

you learn how to build them that's where the money is you can put porn on those they'll be different colors I got a red one my dad taped over one of my championship games for Drexel Raiders with porn

good porn? no it was horrendous porn was it bad but it was good good for 80s yeah 87 88 and did you when did you discover it because we had a he had a big shelf of all of my two older brothers and then my we'd run let's just say that yeah we don't run my brother won seven of seven championships seven Seven years in... In football. Yeah, in peewee football. I won five out of seven. Brother?

The oldest won, like, four out of seven. You won how many? I won five out of seven. And your oldest brother won seven. And I lost one year in the championship. And you're a quarterback. Yeah. Middle brother, seven out of seven. So we had a fucking shackle.

Dynasty. Dynasty. Now, hold on a second. We were Boston. All... And now I'm trying to figure out what to do with my money. Now you know why. Were you and all your brothers all quarterbacks? No, my middle brother was a wide receiver.

The union worker was a lineman. Nice. That makes sense. Get down in the mud, dude. Yeah, he was a muck. Did you play Pop Warner football? Yeah. Were you good?

Yeah. You're a running back, right? Yeah, yeah. I was MVP, baby. Did you play Pop Warner football? Yeah. Were you good? Yeah. You're a running back, right? Yeah, yeah. I was MVP, baby. Let's go. Yeah. I also played D-line. Really?

Yeah. Just a little scrappy. No, no, because I was so quick. I could just shoot the gas. Yeah, yeah. I was Polamalu, dude. You had the long, frizzy hair. You're like Chris O'Connor.

Jumping over the line. Why does he have Polynesian hair? I was the opposite. I was on nothing but losers. Oh, no. I did nothing but lose. No. Were you D-line?

I played outside linebacker. Were you tall? In center, because my coach was stupid. I should have played tight end. You were always probably large, though, right? What's that? You were always taller than everybody else. I was tall and long.

I had zero business on the O-line. Yeah. And my dad, one of the only things he ever said to me about sports was I was like, I'm playing football. And he goes, tell them tight end. Yeah. Tell them to put you at tight end.

You're quick and you're tall and you can catch. Makes sense. And I was like, okay. He just closes the bedroom door. No, he wasn't even there. He was on the phone and he goes, all right, yeah, I'm gone. Anyways, who is this?

I go, it's your son. And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Tight end. Tight end. He was at a diner in Cincinnati. Also, I want 25 on the Giants. I go, dad, I'm at home. What does that mean? Give me the Giants minus two. But I went to Little League practice and i was like i'm gonna

play tight end and my coach was like no you're a center i was like why are you putting me at center then i just get ran through dude we got crushed we lost i used to have a bit about it i did it on john oliver stand up we lost 116 to zero no you, you didn't. That's impossible. It's very impossible, Tommy. 116-0? When my brother started football, did he just grab the ball and throw it backwards so they could pick it up and run in the end zone? They would do that.

They would just plow through. Poor Thomas McDonough, who I just saw in Chicago, came out to a show, him and his wife. Was he the quarterback? Yeah. Tommy McDonough? Tommy McDonough. And he had a crew cut. Of course. They all look like cops. Look he the quarterback? Yeah. Tommy McDonough? Tommy McDonough. And he had a crew cut.

Of course. They all look like cops. Looked like Johnny Unitas. Yeah. And I was his center. And I'm going to tell you right now, he got crushed. He got crushed on almost every single play. He's got lacerated kidneys.

His insides are marked up because of me i'm i wouldn't be surprised if he hurts on a cloudy day because of that game i mean he got we got absolutely butchered silent ride home yeah silent yeah my mom going like this. Just occasionally I would sigh in the back seat. And she'd be like, you want to go to Blockbuster? Yeah. Because I was like. You dude. 116 to zero. That's insane. I was in the AYL in Aurora.

So people can look at Spartans football. We were the worst Spartans team because they had like Spartan purple. They were the good team. We were Spartan gold. Oh. We sucked. So there was like an A and B situation. Not an A and B.

We were the newer team. They had been around since like fourth grade and we were the sixth grade team when it started. So it was like, you know what it was? It was expansion team. It was expansion. It was the Bad News Bears. If it was honest, if the Bad News Bears was honest,

there's no moment where it turns around. You just keep getting your shit pushed. Oh, I love that. I love that. When my brother started, it was like, it turns around. Yeah. You just keep getting your shit pushed. Oh, I love that. I love that. When my brother started, it was like it was an expansion team. And they got absolutely ruled. Dude, we would. Every single game.

And then when he finally became, in sixth grade, when him and all his friends were the oldest kids in the league, they won the championship. And it was like, dude, it was one of the best days of the league. They won the championship, and it was like... Dude, it was... We never had that. It was like one of the best days of my life. Zero to hero.

And then our team didn't win again until me and all of my friends were sixth grade, and then we won it, and we... Yeah, it was... Sixth, seventh, eighth grade, right? Yeah. Combined record. It's eight games a season.

Combined record, one in 23. Oh, my my god the year we won a game was you catch the game after we lost 160 to zero oh yeah yeah so we go guys look past you we go guys it's ebbs and flows it's ebbs and flows that team probably just felt so bad they're like just it's like letting a slow kid score every time they go listen boys suicide rate's gonna go off unless we drop this one dude it was more of a community effort it was watching my mom and her boyfriend bring a thermos of rum and coke to the game at like 10 a.m on a saturday at the park by our house just being like you guys are gonna get butchered it was brutal dude ah yeah so that's why i'm at your family pb football was the greatest i wrote an article at new york times about really about pb

football when the eagles were going to the super bowl yeah because it was big on cte yeah and it was well you know they did the scientific study and they say nine-year-olds hit at the same velocity yes division one yeah yeah the the the trauma on their brain from smacking into each other yeah and also the same like what however that's measured in physics i don't know yeah and also the fucking the equipment one right the equipment in the early 80s was like the exterior shell of a skittle well you're fucking smacking heads going as fast as you can i forget who i talked to someone that played in the NFL, I did a podcast with them, and I asked them about helmets.

It was Imani Toomer. I did a podcast pilot or whatever, and we were on a panel together. And he said he was playing against the Packers and took a hit so hard he doesn't remember the second half. He just remembers the plane ride home. And I was like, what happened? And he's like i think the helmets changed he's like they started making them lighter yeah better for and he's like and

concussions went i think there's like a specific year you can find it yeah but that shit's like those guys are warriors anytime i see anybody like i remember when shane showed me the first when we first started hanging out he showed me a picture of him in pads from high school and i was like oh you were a monster yeah like you see that you're like you saw the neck roll in the visor i'm like oh you were and he was like yeah i was recruited d1 you're like people don't people who are not in sports yeah i sucked so bad that to me i'm like that's insane yeah it is i was just the funny guy on the kickoff team i was like i'll go smash into him and they're like they do a voice i'm like all right that's where i learned i was funny it was i was the funny guy on i was like

i sucked at athletics i was just like i could make them all laugh yeah at football camp like they'd be like you know soda does prank phone calls and i'd be like you guys you guys want me to take it easy in oklah I do a little prank phone call. Just waiting to get back to the dorm after two days. Yeah, I'd be like, oh, where did they get the calls? I'm like playing. I'm coming up in the huddle. I'm coming up with prank phone calls.

I go, I got it. I got a retarded kid that's trapped in the closet, and I'll call the hospital. Yeah. He's getting rocked. He's getting out and going, ah, no, I'm good. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked.

I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked.

I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked.

I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. I was getting rocked. ever was being humbled through sports yeah same because most of the stories like you guys have winning stories and that's great and i love you know well it's also losing in other sports the point is it's more about camaraderie learning about but you also learn like oh how to exist in a social setting a million when you're not good at something and you learn how to survive in that social setting you're like oh it's kind of important for life yeah yeah i also sucked at every other job i had besides stand-up yeah someone already does definitely but it uh it was like losing 116 a year that's crazy that's crazy that you walk with such confidence but also it's

like you play long enough they broke us dude i hope my dad died in ninth grade and i was like that wasn't as bad let me tell you one of these fucking choppers lands in our backyard, I'm sending you. Yeah, I'll go out there. Guys! Dude, I think you're fighting the wind. What's the problem? Are we looking for a bad sucker?

Yeah, 116 bullets to zero. Can you keep it down? We're trying to do a podcast. We're talking about... And then my tweet goes i did not know those helicopters had guns what's going on in israel is a real crime dude i can't believe yeah when i talk to people i'm like you won those car rides home where you were just like that was fun fun. I dominated. Yeah, but I experienced kind of the other side of it too where it's like I remember we won a championship in eighth grade

and I remember the coaches being like, enjoy this because it doesn't come around all the time. Yeah. Championship wins are rare. And I remember being like, dude. Guy. You know who you're talking to? We just won three in a row.

Last time I ever touched a trophy. Really? That's so funny. You put on shades. You go, hey, coach. Make sure you can see it from the sidelines when we're winning. Never won again. Never won again.

Oh, my God. And then there's, yeah. So when you went to high school, your high school team just sucked? Oh, we sucked. Yeah. Because my high school team was mid. Yeah. And it felt like, I was like, well, so we win, huh?

Yeah. No, the high school football team was all right, but I didn't play football in high school. But our lacrosse team was like, it was half prep school kids and half public school kids. And we fucked everyone in the state up. Like, from sixth grade to eighth grade, just murdered everybody. Yeah. And then got to high school, and half the team just went. It was like, we're going to the high school that we're supposed to go to.

Yeah, we're going to, yeah. Which is the prep. Yeah, yeah. And we're going to bury you fucking dumb public school kids. Yeah, and we just got fucked, dude. Yeah. When you went to high school, were you guys still winning in football? No.

That's what ruined my whole relationship with football. That's great. And we had good coaches. I went to Catholic high school. Yeah. So the only, I played football, baseball, and basketball. Damn. Most of the coaches in high school were, ironically,

football was the only sport at Monsignor Bonner where they actually, they had like legitimate coaches yeah yeah but it's all based on like you just said the pods of like your cio team yeah what they called your parish sure so when you grew up you're like what parish are you saint charles you aloesius are you fucking saint dots yeah and depending upon where your parish was is what where you went to high school sure so tina face high School was up at Arby. That was public, but Bonner was right next door. So if you were any of these Catholic areas,

you'd go to Bonner. But if you were above Township Line, you'd go to O'Hara, which was our rival. Sure. Which is where Swift's from. Yeah. No, he's from Prep. Prep's our other rival.

Yeah. So it just depends on location, unless you're being recruited heavily. And they only recruit it heavily in other schools. Well, they took... So our high school would always get guys taken by Mullen, which was like the private... It was like Notre Dame colors.

They did everything like Notre Dame. Yeah, yeah, you get money. And then they'd be like, oh, he didn't go to school. Like, if he was friends with you, he's like, I'm going to Mullen next year. And you're like, yeah. No, dude, our fucking...

Go win. Our high school, my was my first coach was an algebra teacher in basketball. Our head coach in football was just some schmuck trying to figure stuff out. Our baseball coach was another teacher. Yeah. That's how ours was. It was like,

there were teachers or security guards, but other schools, they're recruiting to like fucking Romania. They were picking kids from like Russia. Like giant white dudes at Carroll would be dunking. So it all came down to like the odds. So our baseball team was ranked nationally our senior year just by chance. We were really fucking good.

My best friend got drafted to the Red Sox. That's awesome. Crazy, crazy good. But every other team just got fucking smashed by your guys's team by everybody else yeah everybody else we we have so many i played against um like three different pros at like roman catholic just an all-black team just a bunch of white guys like fucking just balls on your forehead there's something so funny about just being absolutely manhandled by someone that goes on to do something. Oh, yeah.

Because I played my junior year, someone got injured, and they put me in an outside linebacker, and I got absolutely boofed by the right tackle who went on to Nebraska. And then the tight end that year was not the quarterback Alex Smith, but the tight end Alex Smith who played at Stanford. And then he went on to play for the Bucs and in the NFL or whatever. When I tell you this man tossed me around

like I was one of his teddy bears, he would just grab me by my chest plate and be like, burp. And you're like, burp. And my parents, my mom stopped going to my games after eighth grade. She's like, I watched you lose so much. I ain't watching it.

And then I remember coming home and she's like, was it i was like i got in i gotta go take a bath in epsom salt because i got fucking absolutely manhandled it was philly it was like like delco specifically there you you had to play teams that were so rich like mainline teams yeah you'd play so saint joe's prep was rich Prep was rich. Sure. Cairo was richer than O'Hara was richer than Bonner. Bonner was like bottom of the line. But you'd also play teams like Malvern, which is mainline fucking. Their team, these kids were getting recruited out of high school to play baseball. When we would beat those guys, they couldn't fathom how.

How did you do that? How are you? One time, I hit a ball to the shortstop who was already recruited from junior year. He was already recruited. Yeah. We were down. It was tied. Some dude was on.

I'll never forget this. I hit on the barrel. I hit this ball as hard as I could, and I was puny. Yeah. I had no weight on me. And he had short-hopped it, and we ended up winning on that hit. And Malvern's team waited outside of our dogshit locker room

as if they were going to fight us. Because they were so mad they lost? They were so mad. They couldn't fathom that we could possibly beat this guy. Dude, that's always like, if you get that opportunity or that chance even to be a fan in high school when that happens when you beat the big bad when you beat like the looming presence yeah yeah one of the best moments of my life i didn't even like i said i sucked at

sports i didn't play any sports my senior year i was just getting high but my my buddy joey was on the baseball team and same thing happened similar to what you all of a sudden we brought in a pitcher from like another high school and a catcher from another high school and then that just made our team nasty and cherry creek was the team they won everything basketball football there's they're still great it's like elway's kid went there like cherry creek the creek mystique is what they call it they're still great it's like elway's kid went there like cherry creek the creek mystique is what they call it they're like unbelievable i wasn't playing football because i had to stop to get it like i got a job and shit but i would go to the my buddies were playing football we beat creek in football for the first time since 1985 and this was like 2001 and then

we beat them in basketball and in baseball and they were like they kept being like what the fuck is going on? And we're like, I don't know. But my senior year, we beat them for the state championship in baseball on our way to prom. We were like going to prom and we stopped off. And the fingering rates went up. Dude, it was finger, dude, finger specials, dude.

It was, everyone was getting popped. Everything was popping off. After we beat Creek in the state championship, everyone was coming in with stink pink. Everyone was popping off. After we beat Creek in the state championship, everyone was coming in with stink pink. Everyone was walking in. It looked like everyone took a bath for 40 minutes. It was wild. What is going on out there?

I should probably tell you guys this. I robbed a bank. This is crazy. There's clearly an event. There's clearly a, like what what is it dude there's fucking three helicopters outside i mean now you guys can hear it there's no way i mean we are in like little morocco or whatever aren't we dude this this is like demolition man this isn't normal i lived in this neighborhood for 17 years yes i've never heard

this before i remember when the world cup when they i forgot greece like did a couple wins wasn't even like this yeah damn one time this fucking when morocco went to the world cup this year it was fucking nuts this is the most fun neighborhood yeah oh it's the best to watch the world cup i i have astoria has so many different, they have the Egyptians, the Greek, the Moroccans, the Colombians, and then the World Cup happens. It's a different street celebrating every day. Every day.

I try to explain to people that. You walk through a different part of a neighborhood and people are going nuts. I remember Greece won the Euro Cup in 2011. It was a fucking problem. People were going crazy you're like and i don't know what the euro cup is and they're like i don't care where's my bc grill dude that's beating cherry creek at prom dude it was yeah

dude i got to go if you ever get an opportunity to go eat in astoria with stavros Just free gyros going out of here. Just everyone's like, oh, put it more tzatziki. Dude, I got to go. If you ever get an opportunity to go eat in Astoria with Stavros, do it. Because he speaks Greek, and they treat you completely different. You go in. My girl got to know the hostess of Taverna. Oh, my God. Taverna is unbelievable. Every time we go to Taverna, we get everything.

Over on Dipmars? Yeah, the new one on Dipmars though. There's a new one on Dipmars. There's a new one. They changed locations. No longer the long outdoor one. No, it's a smaller indoor, still corner. It's like down like three blocks.

If you come to New York City. It's an annex. Come to Astoria to eat. Yeah, of course. Of course. You know Bourdain did a whole episode just yes in a yes like really just in queens i think a majority of it was in astoria there's seven or eight restaurants that are the best food i've ever had it's unbelievable yeah everywhere i've moved since here i've been like fuck yeah i didn't realize how close la guardia was dude oh lg you're getting a flight out of LaGuardia.

10-minute ride home? Suck my dick, dude. Well, you know what's crazy is when I first moved here, when I first started going on the road, just before Uber, cab drivers would get, I'd get in almost fights. Yeah. Because you get in and you'd be like,

going to 28th Avenue and 31st Street in the story of Boulevard. $75. What, dude? No! No! No! And you're like, I know, I'm sorry. Because they want a family of five that's like,

we're going to Times Square. Instead, you're like, two stops. I should probably take a bus. I don't want it. And they're like, I waited four days for this cop fair, and now you are going to give me $4.99? But then I found out the hustle was you just go to

the person and they give them a piece of paper that gets them right back to the front of the line. So then I just started screaming at them because they'd be like, no! And you'd be like, shut the fuck up. Well, they still do the hustle. You come out of the gate and you can look up what your rate is. we do this

because you get accosted by separate he's like you're looking for a cap you want a cap you're looking for a cap and you're like yeah how much

because this right here says $12 but I'm not telling you that they're like where'd it go $60 yeah they're like $35, $40

yeah you got $12 and they go shit man you fucking got me man yeah oh I'm fucking down bad i need this baby dude i've done that though at concerts we went and saw metallica at metlife and we waited to the end we were gonna leave metlife met like getting out of metlife is hell yeah it's the worst stadium in the united states it's the vet metallica could

oh metal air and acl just playing oh my god they stay lars is like what the fuck i'm down who said this was all right and guys we're backrow's going to be out for the tour. I went with the whole Bonfire crew. This was a couple months ago when Metallica was here. And I went with the whole, it was like my leaving Bonfire gift as I got us all tickets. Like the full new crew, old crew, everyone, invited everybody. And we went out and tailgated. But I was like in my head, I'll leave at the Encore.

I know there's going to be an Encore. I'll leave at the encore i know there's gonna be an encore i'll leave because that bottleneck of met life yeah you you are in traffic for three hours to get out of there why and and big jay was like nah man you gotta stay you gotta stay through the encore and i was like i don't want to and then jay was like he did that thing those big blue eyes he was like come on dude i never see you anymore and i was like okay and we that thing, those big blue eyes. He was like, come on, dude. I never see you anymore. And I was like, okay. And we're like staying there. And he's like, just chill with us because he drove.

He's like, chill with us in the parking lot for like an hour and a half. And then there won't be any traffic. And I was like, all right, that's a way out of it. And so we're walking out. Gypsy cab right there. He's like, I'm going to the city. And I was like, how much? And the guy was like, he told me. And I was like, I'll do it. And he was like, how much? And the guy was like, he told me.

And I was like, I'll do it. And he was like, it was me, Jacob, and Andy Fiore. And he's like, you'll do it? And I was like, 150? I'll do it. And he goes, all right, but I got to get more people. And I was like, how many more people do you need? What's the price that you're going to take to leave right now?

And he was like, right now, 180. He's like, I'll do it for 180 i was like you guys got 30 bucks they had 30 bucks he was like go we were like go go go go yeah yeah we got to the van we got back to the city from metlife i'm not lying when i tell you this 35 minutes 26 minutes no 26 minutes there was no traffic we just got in got got out. But I texted Jay. I was like, I just got out of the cab at my apartment. And he was like, no fucking way. And I was like, sometimes gypsy cabs are worth it. If you're like leaving Queens of the Stone Age, Forest Hills and Queens,

Katie and I were walking. And I was like, gypsy cab, we got to do it. And she's like, we'll take the train. I was like, it's now or never. It's like a helicopter. You're like, give me your hands. We're fucking going. Dude, it's fucking done never it's like a helicopter you're like give me your hands it's the last chopper out of saigon if you want to see your family come with me if you want to live but dude do it we did that at the phillies game yeah we did bring money to blow if i don't drink

yeah i don't spend money on beers i'll take an edible be high shit the whole concert and then just be like got a hundred bucks it says you can get me home yeah because when you're in traffic like that you're like i'd be willing to pay anything ask the people around you would you be willing to pay 40 bucks to be home right now they're like yeah it's also how you behave they know they know if you're a fucking swedish tourist yeah you take me to my hotel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, yeah, 500 bucks. You're like, that is good. Stop. And then that's when you walk up and you're just like, eh, guy. Yeah.

I got to go now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you fucking hold me up. Yeah, go get three more guys, four more guys. Who gives you shit? It's 40 extra bucks. Oh, my God. She made dinner an hour ago.

You're holding me up. You go, buddy, I'm Miss Tucker. Just interviewed Trump. I got to go watch it. You got to act like they're bothering you. Go, what, what, what, what, what is it? It's my favorite New York thing. Giving something to somebody that acts bothered by you.

Starting the sentence with guy is just like a straight jab. Guy, guy, guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Find the right guy. And you're like, all right, found it. Listen, guy, we're going to go if I'm going to go. It really is. That's the one thing I've learned

living on the East Coast, specifically in New York, is that would be my advice to people everywhere else, is just act like you know and that you're a little annoyed and you'll win. You'll win the confrontation. You'll get 30% off just for the attitude.

They're gonna bring the price down before they even quote you. Years ago, I of comedy and mall of america or whatever and i went in and i was like yeah these shorts or whatever and the guy goes are you from the east coast and i was like yeah i live in new york and he's like yeah i can tell you're just like telling me what you need. Yeah, I don't care about you. Yeah. I need shorts. Imagine that. I don't care if you live or die.

Do you have those in a 36 waist? He's like, well, I don't know. Yeah. You're like, I had this fake friendship. I don't know what this is. I do love that about New York. Dude, you know, it was crazy. We took the train in uh in ireland

and uh everyone was talking to each other yeah it was the weirdest it was like being on like a party bus yeah it was like so where are you from i'm from none of your business yeah i was like i've i was it was one of those weird things that i don't really think about everyone on this there's like there's not enough crazy people in Ireland to get people to shut the fuck up. You know what I mean? Dude, I just saw a video from France where this guy steals a phone off someone's table and they film him.

They're like following him. And they're like, so you have my phone. So you have my phone. And the guy's like, I do not have it. I threw it. I do not have your phone. And they my phone and the guy's like i do not have it i threw it i do not have your phone and they're like on the subway or whatever it's they're french people in london and he's like i don't have your phone what if i told you that i threw it away i don't have your phone and it's like a seven minute video and they keep arguing the same thing and guess what

resolves the situation a dude blasting him in the jaw and taking the phone out of his pocket. And then they go like, luckily a stranger stepped in. I went, yeah, that's New York. And someone in the comments goes, in America, that would have happened in five minutes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone steals something on the subway,

it's like everyone turns into like Agent Smith. Yeah, they're all in the glasses. The woman's like, oh, you're absolutely right. Dude, what's coming after him? Mr. Anderson. That phone is hers. That's exactly what it is. Violence.

The ability for Americans to get violent makes me love our country in a way. Any excuse. It is a solution because you saw the people be like in america that would have been five minutes and all the comments are like but why why would it must be violent everyone's like listen lady you want your phone or not the sun rises and it's we just got away and doing shit over there you take my phone

you're gonna get punched i was hoping you were gonna say that that guy hit the dude and then was just like guy you don't take people that's someone else you don't follow another man's law the only american dude on the train he goes i got this you might want to film this over here this is gonna give me a little bit of clout it's it's amazing to me to watch people be like because they are they're more decent in other countries they're just more decent to each other yeah yeah i give you a little more lenience where they're like oh you're a person here they're like what do you want from me you're coming to take something yeah yeah i'll fucking kill you

yeah it's like other countries like they mandate you go to war Or not war but you enlist for like 12 to 18 months or whatever You have to put a year of service in It's like you should have to go to prison Or live in a city That lives like this During adolescence 13 to 15 you should move to New York

Get hit randomly Get your backpack stolen out of a bar Like all of us have yeah we're gonna del your time square i'll tell you that get fucking robbed dude it sucks it like when you first move here and you bring that midwestern niceness yeah because you're from connecticut so you are you you were close enough to ride the train in and see it you're from philly where it's like organically grown you guys do like homegrown shit there but being from colorado everyone was like hey how are you yeah and then arizona was a

little meaner arizona is like people have rattles or they're like you want my land and then i moved here where they're like don't't fucking look at me. Yeah. You're like, yeah, you're right. Yeah, I get it. I suck. Well, you're a perfect hodgepodge of all of those. Yeah. No, my dad brought that energy to like the suburbs. I love that. He's like from the Bronx.

So if you like stepped into the crosswalk, you'd be hit by a cab. We're in a place called Pheasants Meadow. I don't think any cabs. You have to call a cab for it to get here. You got to open the gate. We're on a place called Pheasants Meadow. I don't think any cabs. You have to call a cab for it to get here. You got to open the gate. We're on a green belt. What are you talking about? You fucking weirdo.

All right, Danny. Thank you, dude. Dude, I love you guys. I love you too, man. How's the place been without Papa Shane? It's tough. You're moving up there. He's moving up.

Are you up there already? Two weeks. Are you haunted by Shane? You're moving up there. He's moving up. Are you up there already? Two weeks. Are you haunted by Shane? You're gay. You're so gay. I got a medium coming over. He's going to exercise. Get out of here.

Did you see a can of spit? A can of chaw spit get thrown on her? This ghost comes behind. He's just behind the TV going, are you seriously watching this? Yeah. Are you going to watch this shit? This is so gay.

Jesus Christ. Just sitting up there being like, this is the weirdest thing, but I'm hearing farts. Was it weird? I mean, it's because you guys have lived, you and Shane have lived as a core

and then you moved in. Yeah. I've been here for like 10, 11 years. Yeah. Shane was here for like six, five, six.

And then it's, so I, similarly, when I lived down the street from you, I was the guy that stayed and everyone rotated out. Yeah. I was the clubhouse. This was Jesse Joyce and John Ozele. I remember that. Yeah, Jesse lived in the back.

That middle room was taxidermied with all Jesse Joyce. Jesse Joyce was huge in the taxidermy. Still is, I imagine. Dude. I know, not good. I've known Jesse Joyce for 15 years. Never knew that about him. Oh, my God. I'll text him right now. This is squirrels? No, no, no,. Dude. I know. I've known Jesse Joyce for 15 years. Never knew that about him. Oh, my God.

I'll text him right now. Is this squirrels? No, no, no, no, no squirrels. I'm talking bears. He had a half of a bear. He had a fucking jaguar coming out. Torso. He had wall to wall.

I'm going to say like 10 feet aquariums. I'm going to call it aquarium. Okay. Because of that size. He had foreign fish that I would have to take care of when he was on the road with like a towel or some shit.

Dude, it was nuts. And he had a carpet that was just leopard print. You walked in there. This was his writing room. And he would hit butts. I loved it. And over ends.

I used to smoke butts. Oh my God. Yeah, Jesse and I used to smoke cigarettes outside of the company. This is actually not paint. This is all from Jesse. He blew out his lungs.

That's insane. Because being in, it's weird when you're like, when you're the glue guy, when you're the locker room guy, and everyone comes in and out. I'm the fucker. I got to keep changing locks. I'm the fucker. Tommy's the one that can open the steakhouse in this apartment

because he's a member of the city. You know, like, you've had a run. Shane probably could open a car dealership. So could you. But Tommy's going to have a lineage of steakhouses. That's how I was over at 2555. I was like, come on down to Soders. We're going to get you a Nissan.

You were under the train. I was under the train. Vecchio for 10 years. Yeah. He was the longest but I had Vic, Mark, Zach Mike, Pete we had guys churning in and out

and you would just keep the apartment and whenever someone left it was always a little weird it had to readjust but the good news is you're not having anyone new move in you just have this whole place. I will not allow it.

And you're upstairs. Yeah, yeah. We made it. It's going to be nice. Well, also what you did is you saved the podcast. Yeah. Because you being upstairs is enough breathing room. Yeah, yeah.

That you're, it's like not going to be a problem. It's perfect. Yeah. And then like, yeah, but it is weird to have someone move and then you're like it's weird shane's in texas yeah that is weird yeah i saw a comedy mothership post a clip of matt bringing up shane and i was like this feels weird it does it's like seeing brady in a bucks jersey seeing your ex-girlfriend with somebody else yeah you're like what are you doing yeah do you get unfollowing yeah you're like it still hasn't fully set in yet i don't

think they're down there yeah yeah well he asked me if i wanted to come down there and do shane and friends like tomorrow night yeah and i was like it's too short a notice but he's gonna do this i think he's gonna do this every like four weeks yeah he's gonna be like hey you know what's great is all getting together comparing notes about how shane asks you to do stuff it's the it's the funniest thing in the world because if you're friends with Shane, he'll text you night of and be like, hey, come to this. And you're like, I'm doing something.

And he'll be like, that's gay. Come hang out. And you're like, but I'm doing something. All right. Yeah. I didn't know when he was leaving. And then I was on the phone with him. He's like, yeah, I'm gone Tuesday.

And I was like, forever? He's like, yeah. And you're like like whenever friends of mine move i do still like like it's elementary school well i think i got pissed i'm like i was pissed for a bit i was like sad and then i'm mad where i'm like what's even down there joe rogan's like barely good at karate starting to get mad you're like no i'm fine is he gonna watch football with you and then you're like matt and lamar and gardini are going down there you're like, is he going to watch football with you? And then you're like, Matt and LaMere and Gardini are going down there. You're like, okay, that's better.

But still. At least you're going to have some friends. At least you're going to have some friends down there. But still. I just want you to be safe. I just want you to be safe. We're all doing it right now. Just let me know you're okay.

Sorry about what I said yesterday. You don't even like tacos. Yeah, I didn't mean that. Just call on Gardini and be like, oh, what's she doing? McCusker, what's up? It's Soder. How's it going? How are you feeling?

Are you close to you? You guys doing all right? Yeah, it's... So you like it? Vecchione and I check in like the end of the breakup with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston. That's every one of Vecchione and I's meetings

for breakfast where I go, you look good. Yeah. We've lived together for 10 years. You stop living and you're like, you still like pasta on Sundays? You haven't changed. Never changed.

Do you still do a crazy workout that reminds me of Batman in Batman Begins? I brought you an extra packet of mustard. I know you like it. I don't do that anymore. Sorry. I'm asking Katie to do stuff. I go, hey Katie,

Vecchione used to do bear crawls to stay in shape. You think you could hit a couple for me? Ever do an old wrestling training? Do you mind running stairs and making me feel weird in our apartment? Just go for a casual single leg. Alright, dude.

I love you guys. Check out Soder. just go for a casual single leg do it alright dude yeah I love you guys check out Soder yeah the podcast yeah coming soon yeah coming soon

it's it's inevitable I bought the equipment I spent the money let's go I gotta do it yeah it's gonna be a short little thing

a little bite sized podcast I like this and then DanSoder.com I'm on the road baby now that I don't got a job I'm on the road I love this that is like the only

way comedians know how to do things is just like tie a bowling ball to your leg and throw it off the bridge you walk in you go walk into a bank with a gun you go well now i gotta rob it i'm here here we go when i tell you guys how much i love you, it pales into comparison of how I actually feel. You're the only people I know that could get me back to Queens at 5 p.m. on a Wednesday with World War III going on outside. I know. You might be moving in. Katie, I'm back in Queens.

Get the dog. We're having a busy grill. The door just opened. It was Vecchione and Shane. It's like heaven. Yeah, can you switch a gepper steel on my fucking fix? And McKeever told me he actually came up with it in 2012 with Tommy, so don't. Well, congrats on everything.

I love you guys. Yeah, I love you too. Love you too, man.