Stuff Island - Cut of the Jib - Stuff Island #135 w/ Chris & Tommy

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

Cut of the Jib - Stuff Island #135 w/ Chris & Tommy Catch Chris and Tommy on tour now! - https://www.stuffislandpod.com/live-shows Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoneycom/STUFFISLAND Go to OmahaSteaks.com and use promo code STUFFISLAND at checkout for exclusive savings on Father's Day gift packages.  Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, we got a bunch of dates coming up. 29th, Stanford, Connecticut. Then the 30th, are we in Providence, Rhode Island? And then the 31st through the 1st, we're in Boston. And then the 2nd, Portland, Maine. Albany, New York, 6-5. Tacoma, Washington, 6-12. Portland, Oregon, 6-15.

San Francisco, 6-16. Stuff on the pod for tickets. What's this shirt? I bought it as just somebody's merch. You had no idea? Yeah, I watched this guy's show in Philly the other day and he was at Johnny Brenda's and I just went and I got it.

Figured I needed shirts for the traveling and I wasn't doing laundry. And he needed support. And he needed support. And he needed support. As a struggling artist at Johnny Brandes. Yeah.

He needed cocaine money. Yeah. Yeah. I fell for him. Yeah. That's how we all fall for each other. This guy needs to borrow. I've just seen some dude

struggle on stage. Why do you think our merch is flying? He actually did a good job. It was a tight crowd, but he did a good job. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of music uh just rock and roll some good is one of those waters mine yeah some good old rock and

roll but this totally feels like i'm about to fuck you this feels feels crazy. This was all of my 2000s. Just bringing a girl up here. Sit down. You want to sit? What do you want to do? Just straight mezcal. You want to watch Netflix? You want to just hang out and then just straight to fucking... Yeah, before there's Netflix. So you just got to page through

hotel TV. You're like Shark Tank. You're just staring at her crotch the whole time. How long is this going to go on? How long am I going to have to ask you questions that I don't give a shit about? There's two options of hotel sex. Soon as you, like the tension getting on that elevator. You're either making out in the elevator or you're just like, it's balled up tension. Yeah.

And then you walk down that hallway and you're both in your head going are we just gonna unclose and crazily have sex in every corner like little piglets yeah go on your way or do we have to do this shit this little song and dance yeah the pause it's part of it it's it's it's like you know it's like you rub the tip your penis without coming like edging edging yeah this right here with a woman in a hotel room is edging because you know what's gonna happen you just don't know when it's gonna happen yeah and you have to small talk like this it's gonna happen too late and if it gets too long you're fucked yeah then you just go i we should probably just go to bed yeah yeah she says something that you don't like or you see like a mold behind her ear that turns you off.

Just some weird growth you didn't see at the bar. Yeah. Because it was darkly lit. Yeah. Lighting is just like a restaurant, Chris. Lighting in a hotel room when you take a girl home. Essential. Essential?

Yeah. I don't think so. Throw in the bathroom light. You're already in the hotel room. Let it cascade through here. Can't be well lit for a podcast. You know what I mean? You got to poke around that puss looking from the top.

You want just the bathroom light on? Yeah. Yeah, maybe one edge light. Yeah. You know? I got all the lights on. Yeah, I bet you do. Just perform surgery.

As awkward as possible. Awkward surgery. Mm-hmm. You want to see every minor labia and major labia. Why are you trying to do that? Why are you trying to see where she missed her shave points? Yeah, I feel like more often than not, I've been in the hotel room, and then you're just like, well, we should fuck.

You say it like that? She says not to waste the hotel room. This disposition? No, I'm saying, yeah, when you're in like a relationship and you're in a hotel room. Oh, yeah. And you're like. Yeah, this room is $350. I really want to go to sleep.

Yeah. But we should. Yeah, yeah. This is lingerie for a relationship. This is like, well, it's a different place. Might as well dance around a little bit. What am I doing? You can at least see a reflection into the fucking...

This is a nice room, dude. It's a very nice room. They upgraded it to the corner suite. There you go. I've been staring at these families. Is this a Marriott? No, it's Ace. Yeah, but is it like part of the Marriott family?

No, it's independent. Whoa. Yeah, that's why they rape you at the bar. That's why these drinks are so goddamn expensive. They got to keep the lights on, dude. Yeah, you know. What is the... Yeah. Why are you doing this to us? Yeah. Saying that holding the burp. It is. It's like airport pricing. It's worse. Dude. Four drinks, $120. Suck my dick, dude. Yeah. Then we went around the corner and got a beautiful seven-course Moroccan meal for like half that. That's... Three drinks or, you know, or eat till you shit yourself.

Yeah. I'll take the drinks. I eat till I shit myself. Fill up. That's why this works. I've been eating hot dogs this weekend. Jesus, why? So hard.

Well, I went to that dirt track with Shane. Oh, yes. Hot dogs. I saw the pictures. Hot dog time. Big time hot dog. Hot dogs and Bud Lights. Then I went to I had a pretty epic Memorial Day weekend, I'm not going to lie. Yeah. Dirt track racing. Woke

up, took the train, went to lacrosse. Oh, at the link. Semifinals at the link. Sick. Caught two games. Chilled there, went to the show. You saw MLV, dude.

I saw MLV, bought some merch. That's big. Went home, woke up, took the train back to Connecticut, got on the boat with my brother, jumped in, went out cast a line caught a fish what huge fucking fish striper striper Wow it was awesome first time I've ever caught like that you know what to do that top water stuff yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah. I know about the jig. Landed a huge boy. Did you eat it?

No. It doesn't fit the requirements? No. My brother, at the last second, it jerked and it got away from him. You never got it on the boat? No. Jesus. This boat.

I was fine with it. I was happy it caught something. This boat is like an 80s sitcom. You guys ain't catching even when you hook something it doesn't get on the boat he was furious yeah he was bummed out i didn't care i don't know sadie filmed the whole thing so it was like whatever so that does that doesn't count as a catch i think technically that doesn't count as a no it does not why he was so beat up about it but it's, he was holding on to the fish for a while

and was trying to get the hook out and then got it out and it just went. Like a prisoner counting his years, your brother went to the wall like. That's another. Overheat. What if we do this? Because it doesn't feel that hot. It should be good. Maybe it just doesn't like the sun on it.

Well, it's just not direct. That shouldn't be a problem. I don't fucking vote. It shouldn't. I don't understand the deal with the GoPros. Podcasting on the road is a fucking nightmare. It's kind of fun. I like it in the car.

I do actually like the podcasting in the car. I think it's kind of nice. Well, now that we have the lobs, I think the car cast will be nice yeah yeah the last time we did it it's coming through the gopro and it's it's mayhem yeah i don't know that back deck chicago was nice back deck chicago was nice and we'll have to do another one in boston yeah i think we do one on the drive up to providence we do that yeah because the drive from providence to Boston, I think, is like 10 minutes. I'm excited to slaughter a pig in New Hampshire. Yeah, I guess we get to choose.

I don't mean an Irish bar. I mean an actual fucking pig. The front end of that, I was like, Tommy's getting wild on the podcast. I'm in a very committed relationship with another pig. That's not the problem. No, I was nervous, but apparently they're already dead, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, if he's like, I'll kill it in front of you, I'll be like, no, no, no, we'll take a walk.

You take care of that. The screaming of a pig echoing in your skull for years. I do think the pig thing is a problem. I mean, killing cows I don't think is much better. With a fucking nail gun right in the skull? I know. What's with that air gun? Yeah.

Just hits them right in the top. They drop. Yeah. Like a heavyweight getting knocked out in the jaw. Yeah, it is weird people that grow up on like farms and stuff like that how they still hold on to their humanity yeah how do you maintain like once you if you spend your whole childhood yeah cows and pigs yeah well the thing is i've i've how much is human life that valuable to you you're gonna believe this but I had sex with a farmer once. A girl.

She was a ranch hand or whatever. Her family owned a farm. And she would raise, they would give her like a lamb and a chicken and a pig. Yeah. And she would raise them until slaughter. And then she'd have to say bye to the fucking thing. And kill it. Yeah.

And then just kill your animal and then she wasn't i don't think she was crazy i don't think she just said it was like you just got a new chicken yeah i mean maybe it is a healthy thing you know you begin to love something and you learn how to deal with death to let it go it's about like the cycle of life yeah what i mean it's like when they build those little fucking sand things and then they just destroy them. Yeah. The monks do that. Yeah.

It's kind of the same thing. We just like pour a bunch of love into this thing and then execute it. Yeah. It actually is like a healthy cleansing mindset. And then eat it. And then you eat it. Yeah. And it gives you life.

We should have eaten grandma. Her meat went sour, but you just like, you got to eat her. Is it true that you can't eat people no i think you can't right i mean it's legally yeah no no it's illegal for sure but you mean oh you mean that the whatever's in there they always say that eating people makes you like sick i think they're just trying to yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah get a little harness on the maniacs yeah just one guy being like i know i want to eat them too but i don't like throwing up yeah you want to be sick yeah they do they like say weird stuff that are your brain rots and your bones

turn into rubber or something like that it's like no i bet we're the we're probably so healthily delicious yeah it depends on what part of the city what kind of animal you yeah you know i mean No, I bet we're probably so healthily delicious. Yeah. It depends on what part of the city, what kind of animal you want to eat. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? I don't know. You might get some, yeah. If you get a vegan in Connecticut.

True. Might not have enough fat, but it'll be tender. Right, right. That's your filet mignon in a steakhouse. Yeah, it probably is a thing where it's like you can eat a city person, but you can only eat it once a week. It's like tuna. Yeah. Yeah.

I want the ribeye of the earth, which is like a big fat ass black woman in fucking North Philly. Cut that rump up. No, that's like eating shark. It's probably like the most dangerous. Why, they worms it? Sharks have like the most mercury because they're eating like all the fish. Yes. As you get up the food chain, the meat gets more dangerous.

I'm just talking about marbleization. A rib eye is the greatest fat-to-meat ratio. You've got to get a big jiggly. Slicer three-inch ass into little steaks. Sear it four minutes at a time on a high-heat grill. Yeah. That is interesting. If the fattest whites on that show, like my 6,000 pound life.

Yeah, that's chicken. I'm looking for steak. I want a Latina. You don't think that's like veal? No. No, there's not enough fat. Oh, you mean if you want a fat white woman. Yeah, yeah. I'm talking about the ones that are just like rolls on rolls.

Yeah. I'm surprised they never make a cow like that. That's prime rib. Like an obese cow? Yeah, yeah. Like a ludicrously obese cow. Just getting a two-for-one at McDonald's for like 10 years? Yeah. Oh, my God. And make it fat. make it super fat just feeding it Taco Bell desserts through a feeding tube yeah it doesn't

work like that though they already have the fat cap naturally they're already beefy beasts yeah the cows yeah you already have to cut off a lot of fat for most animals what about the hump of a camel is that I don't think I think it's like it like cartilage in an ear I don't think there's like no idea it could be a horn it's all spare tire dude did people eat camels those guys I bet yeah if you're starving or something, maybe. Those sand creatures? Yeah.

They're eating everything. I don't know. The camels might not be, they may be too respected. It's like you don't eat a lot of horse. Like the cow in India? Yeah, yeah. Sacred. But people, do people eat horses?

Yeah. Horse meat? That's a real. Yeah. Yeah, I'mongolians are munching yeah i'm not talking about in like a survival situation i'm talking about in like delicacy yeah yeah 100 the corners of this earth are filled with fucking animals right but i'm talking about let's say in america nobody's eating no it's got to be illegal. Nobody's eating a horse. That was in fucking, wasn't it in McDonald's meat?

They found horse. It was like a big controversy like five years ago. Maybe longer, 10 years. Right, but that was like someone needed to get rid of a horse, right? They were cutting the good meat with horse. Or there's just so many dead horses. It's like baby powder and cocaine. Why are we wasting all this yeah

yeah a laxative and coke yeah throw some horse meat in the mints dude the mints is filled with everything be funny if fentanyl is just horse that's what's killing everybody yeah yeah just horse cum in my coke dried up horse cum man can tell you, doing a fucking podcast before a show sucks, bird. Yeah. Yeah, it's been a whole scramble because Memorial Day weekend was a little bit of vacation time. Yeah, I didn't feel that at all.

Really? A constant movement. What'd you do? Just nonstop bopping around, seeing friends. Yeah. Saw her friends in Astoria. Yeah. She saw her friends from the city.

So you're hitting it. You're hitting the booze hard. We're going to Spring Lounge. We're going to fucking Maggie's. We're going here. We're going there. And you're still going to bed at four. We had a day off today, which was great.

Walked around the park. Ran into Tyler Fisher. Nice. In Prospect Park. Nice. Which is crazy. Yeah. Because he doesn't live here anymore. No? No. Stopping by here before he goes to L. Nice. Which is crazy. Yeah. Because he doesn't live here anymore.

No? No. He's stopping by here before he goes to L.A. He's with his dog. Oh, nice. Yeah, he's moving to Austin. He just bought a house. Oh, he did?

He said he got a place. Rented a house. He said he didn't fully... When I talked to him, he hadn't fully committed. Okay, well, we cut that, I guess. He said he got a place. Yeah. No, he's locked in.

He found one with a pool and a hot tub. Whoa. He did it right, yeah. Damn. Because if I'm going to do it, I'm going to spend every fucking dollar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Smart move. Yeah.

Smart fucking move. Sweet dog. I'm getting a dog. I tell you. No. You've settled? No, we didn't settle yet, but I almost bought one off the street. Why?

Two days ago. What did it look like? This little fucking baby dog was like a half. So there's two good looking. This couple was coming by. We're in like Soho. And this little fucking runt. He's got big paws.

Yeah. He looks like a half. He told me it's a half pit bull and a half Rhodesian Ridgeback. It looks like a Weiner Eimer, but it's got the hair growing in the opposite direction on the spine. They're lion hunters. It stands up. Yeah, they're fucking gorgeous. This dog would probably get to mid-size, which is what I want.

Gorgeous little pup. Probably like six weeks. He's gnawing on us, and I'm like, oh, my God. And he goes, you want to adopt him? I'm still, like, playing with the puppy. I was like, yeah, I fucking wish. He goes, no, seriously. We're just fostering.

You can adopt this dog right now. Oh, my God. And I looked at my girl, and I was like, we can put you on a plane tomorrow. Yeah. Take the dog. We're good. I'll buy this dog right now. Really?

But the problem is there's all this paperwork they have to finish their fostering for three weeks and then we have to go through the process the dog can't fly on its own obviously it's not ripping tickets drinking in the Delta Lounge why not because he's not eight weeks yet you can't be drinking so I looked into it I was like yeah we have to fly back out. But we did get the good knowledge of just fostering. So we can go to one of these kennels or whatever, these places in Austin,

and just find a dog that we think we like, chill with it for a week or two, and then just go take it. Dude. I didn't even really think about it because but it's like if I ever got money I don't let me

near a puppy store. Yeah, just give me two. Dude, I would I'd be like a crazy dog person and cat person probably. Alright, this episode is brought to you by

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Yeah. Do you know what you get the man who has it all? More of it. No, you finally give him a daughter that he always wanted. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's what he's always telling me. I'm the fucking daughter he should have got.

Really? Yeah. But instead, just get him some steaks. Get him something he really wants. My dad is the hardest person to shop for. We have this fridge down in the basement at my parents' house that it's like a graveyard for all the gifts you were trying too hard to try and get him.

Like, he's going to love this new golf thing, right? No. Put it on the top of the graveyard of gifts. This is something you get your dad. He's guaranteed to love. Sticks. It's the most American thing a person can get their father without him bitching because he has to cook it, eat it, and then thank you for it.

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Because if there's one thing Omaha Steaks knows, it's dad's want steak. They do want steak. They did some research. They do want steak. Yeah. And they can use their new radial saw to cut it. Yeah, they want to stop being let down by your goofy antics. So shut your mouth, show up with a box of Omaha Steaks

or have it delivered to him. He's going to love it either way. Go to omahasteaks.com slash stuff I own for savings. That actually is a good gift. I think it'll be all right. Let's see if this guy can... You keep saying that. It's every 10 minutes.

Oh, it's hot. It's definitely not the sun. There's some problem with these fuckers. We didn't get the insurance. We should have got the insurance. Maybe I put it right here in the shade, and it can cool off a little bit. What about that? You like that?

It's a little tilted. Dude, we said this before. These fuckers are like, they're on the helmets of Red Bull crackheads. Yeah, yeah. Jumping out of fucking helicopters. Space with one of these on. Yeah. And you can't be in the Ace Hotel, otherwise it overheats.

Yeah. What is happening? It's probably like, this is gay. Like, we're not doing extreme sports. Yeah. We're just talking about... The GoPro's getting bored. It goes to sleep. Dude. A pussy protected on the GoPro is so funny.

Gay. Not enough action. You got to be like. Yeah, just shadow boxing the whole fucking thing. Keep it on. It's going low. It's getting low. It is true.

I bet if we were walking and talking and running around, it would be fun. Yeah. It's dead. It's just like, oh, my God, I'm in a hotel room. These guys are going to fuck me. Let me just go to sleep. I'm going to pretend to sleep. I just want to get through it.

It's like a drunk girl pretending to sleep. So you also don't fuck it? A go-ho? It's a play on words. Yeah. Yeah. GoPro getting rooted. Well, I'm excited for our next leg.

Up to East Coast. This will be nice. Yeah. You think? I think so. I think it'll be cool. Providence, Boston, Portland. Albany.

Albany might be tough. Albany might be tough. You wouldn't think so, because there is a correlation between dog shit towns and great comedy. That is true. Not scenes, I'm sorry, shows. That is true. Because they come out because there's really nothing else to do. Yeah, I hope so.

Philly. Yeah. Even Syracuse I've had a good time. I can believe that. Yeah, New Brunswick, New Jersey. Yeah. Jesus Christ. What are you Brunswick, New Jersey. Yeah. Jesus Christ. What are you going to do?

Throw tennis balls at the Indian students? Come out and laugh, dude. I mean. Have a good time. That does seem like a pretty good comment. That's a sick, too.

That GoPro would never turn off. Yeah. We're just launching tennis balls at Indians? They'd be zooming in and stuff like that. What? Yeah.

You'd get an extra footage. It's operating another camera. I saw a hot Indian. I miss New York for just the buttes. You forget. Golly. One long block in New York, you pass like four women you don't stop thinking about for a month. Yeah, it's crazy.

It is. It was my first day back in the the back in the thick of it yeah it's it's just there's so many yeah people just the barista is a smoke yeah and it's nice getting around though you put that barista in austin everyone's like you need to get out of here yeah you're meant for something bigger make it you can make it you're a movie star and then they get here and they're like yeah behind the the bar. Yeah, you fucking moron. You're talentless. You can serve coffee.

Yeah, I went to your open mic last night. You're dog shit. Make me a latte, you twat. You know, stuff like that. I haven't seen you. I miss you. I know. I miss you too.

Five days straight. Five days straight of nothing. Just staring at our girlfriends' foreheads. Wondering what Chris will do. No, we've been bopping around. No, I know. It's been nonstop. Yeah.

I can't wait to go back to all of this. And now I'm just thinking about these shows, how poorly scheduled it was. Yeah, but we learned. Tuesday night after Memorial Day weekend. Memorial Day weekend. It's a crazy show. Crazy. Just when everybody else is still recovering.

Yeah, yeah. They still have fucking an IV of Gatorade. Let's do a show 8 a.m. the day after the Super Bowl. Yeah. People will come out. Yeah. We should do Philly Helium when the Eagles are in the playoffs.

Just me and our fucking parents. That's the other thing I'm nervous about. A lot of family coming to the show on Wednesday. Tomorrow. Stanford. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight in Stanford.

Tonight. A lot of people I know coming. I'm going to just be like. This is an interesting thing I think fans would want to hear. What? I got questions. Yeah. Because I never care.

It's different. I know my mom won't show up. Yeah. My dad shows up. He gets ripped off red wine. Yeah. He has a great time. Laughs at everything.

Doesn't matter. Yeah. My brothers show up. They're coked out of their fucking skull. Pilled up with their fucking union buddies. They don't they're having a good time i got my safety net of like having fun who gives a shit true you on the other hand yeah you got a whole hodgepodge of people that aren't in this earth yeah yeah they're not yeah they're not they're not they're not in this world so you're like yeah when you're saying some pretty wild stuff, you just imagine them being like.

Yeah. Are they going to loosen their boat shoes is what I'm saying. So this is what he's doing. The thing is that they probably will have a really good time. They probably are excited. 100%. And it's like any time, like, I was talking to people about Stanford, that people have started going to New York Comedy Club in Stanford.

Yeah. And they're just like, I bring my friends there because they've never seen comedy before. And they're like, holy shit, I can't believe this is here. Yeah. You know what I mean? They never went out to see comedy. And they're constantly in, you know, it's like Connecticut is a little bit of a place where it's just like they don't know what there is to do. Which is great.

Yeah. And so they go and they just is to do. Which is great. Yeah. And so they go and they just booze or they just hang out. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's one of those shitty towns.

So you go to some actual entertainment and people are good. Yeah. They're like, oh my God. It's the same mentality around the dog shit towns

where it's a nice town, things to do, but very specific things to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is, I think it's there's a correlation there too where it's like you know you don't know a really nice restaurant yeah nobody's trying to stand up there is like

exciting yeah yeah well what is there to do in Stanford yeah dude it's like when you go to Stanford if you see like good music in Stanford you're like holy shit yeah yeah all the stuff that you almost take for granted in cities yeah Yeah. They get it and they're like, oh my God. Music at Stanford is just a bitch with hairy armpits playing a tambourine. Oh no, it's like the spin doctors one Friday in the middle of the summer. What did I just say? She goes by spin doctors now? It's the same fucking thing.

It is. It's just a pile of lesbians playing instruments you don't want to hear. It is. They literally like, yeah. Oh, this is what I wanted to ask. What is your process in terms of joke set? Do you now go, I know my brother won't like this. I know my sister-in-law won't like this. I know my brother won't like this, I know my sister-in-law won't like this,

I know their friends won't like this. I say, do all the shit, fuck them all, and do what you love to tell. You can't feed into them. Yeah. I mean, my brother's come to shows and stuff before. He came to the Brooklyn show. I'm making it bigger in my head

than, yeah, yeah. He came to the brewery show. If he enjoyed that, it was us yelling over like black Israelites. It was fucking hell. Yeah. If someone said they had a good time during that, it's like, you wait. Yeah. Wait till you have, you know, an enclosed environment with sound. Yeah.

They're more, yeah, they're like more down than I give them credit for, I think. Yeah. But it's still just like, I don't know. It's weird. I get it in my head. Plus, I'm also in that place, same as you are, where you're like, I want to be trying some pretty wacky stuff. Yeah. And then you feel like a little bit more boxed in.

Yeah. And even if you kill with stuff you're already tired of telling, you're like, I didn't do myself a justice. But then you have another deal. We're doing six shows and six nights yeah no it'll be fun and boston last time we were in boston it was awesome boston rules yeah so that should be good yeah yeah you're nervous it's out i love it yeah yeah you're so nervous giving me a lot of anxiety well tomorrow night you're not close. That's the thing is I won't think about it.

I'm closing the night. You close tomorrow night. So that's good. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah. You close tonight. I close tomorrow night. Yeah.

So that's good. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, you can bop in and out. Yeah. I just do five minutes. Yeah. I'm in a different room. I'm across the street at a different bar.

No, he says to come run and get me dude I always think of that fucking I won't talk about that just in case it pisses them off when our boy had to go get Norm Macdonald across the street because the feature was bombing so hard I mean across the street oh yeah yeah the feature was bombing so hard i mean

just doing 25 minutes of fucking religious stuff to fill the audience i just booed them off stage yeah there is just like that anxiety when you're like a host of just any part of the show not going according to plan yeah is like dude you're a housewife worried about muffins running out yeah yeah like you feel like you're you're the whole show yeah oh yeah yeah yeah you gotta you got a manager that's counting your fucking seconds on stage yeah you got to do the announcements perfectly you got to make sure you're warming up everybody perfectly you got to make sure you're warming up everybody perfectly. You got to make sure you're a good time in the green room. Yeah.

You're probably invited way too many fucking friends and family just to see you do 10 minutes. Oh my God. Yes. While fucking four carpenters call you. And you're just living in fear of the headliner doing like one of those things where like after the feature, they're like, can you just do a little more time? Yeah. You're like, yeah. Yep yeah um yeah so my brothers anybody here brothers like you have an extra fucking 30 minutes in your back pocket oh i'm a host sir yeah what do you

think i do here yeah and it's like it almost seems like designed to cut especially if you have like a good set yeah they're trying to fuck you so that they come on they're like thank god a little bit more yeah yeah he knows what he's doing just feeling fucking terrible yeah i've had that with a lot of headliners not a lot but i've had like three or four headliners it's a lot that kind of like got pissed when i had a good set as a host or a feature yeah they were like furious yeah yeah they would come out and like purposely say something disrespectful about me. Yeah. They're like, sorry, I don't do voices.

This is just my voice. Oh, yeah. And everyone's like, what? Well, you also, like, there is, I imagine you kind of get it, you know, almost from their perspective. Because it's like I know there's been times where like like saturday late you get off stage and you've done well and you're like man what a great weekend it's like so great and just fun yeah and they've done like six seven hours

and they gotta go do their last hour you told three knock knock shows in front of fucking 50 close family members. Who are just like screaming party balloons. Like, ha-ha! Ha-ha! This guy's great! Promote him! Keep going for this Latino puppet you guys just enjoyed. God, he sucks. sucks anyway my dad died

I cancelled a family vacation not a vacation I was going to go see my family that's why I bookended this before the start of the east thing I was like I'll come in here and I'll go to Philly and then we had just the planning filling all our gaps of peace.

I'm going to travel six hours because it's an hour and a half to get to Philly. Then you've got to go see my parents. They're 45 minutes out. I've got to get a train to an Uber. It's like six hours door to door. It's a whole day. So my parents can, I don't know, pick at their food like Tony Soprano. Tony's like

he just pushes around pasta. She won't ask me fucking things. She's going to talk about my grandkids, her grandkids. I called to tell her I wasn't coming. Immediately into a diatribe about all the kids.

I was like, say hello. I'm calling to cancel plans. Say hello, you dumb. She's probably excited. Yeah. That I was canceling. Yeah. Thank God.

I don't want to entertain this freak all weekend. I felt so bad about canceling dinner plans tonight before or last night with a close buddy of ours. Yeah. And he was like, ah, good. Cause his, his wife didn't want to do anything either and i was like thank god you said that yeah yeah everybody on the other end is going they said they can't go hon and she's like puts her makeup down like let's go yes thank

god nobody wants to pretend to hang out dude let's all get drunk silently alone dude we went but real quick there has been times where like you get that message yeah and you're like this is my chance to dig my heel and be like dude we already got ready but whatever i guess it's fine oh yeah we'll do it next time yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah they owe me one yeah let me make sure they think they owe me one. Yeah. That is brutal. Dude, I, like, yeah, we went to Connecticut on Sunday. There was no, or, yeah, we got in there Sunday morning. Tried to go out and have beers with my buddies.

Everything closed at, like, 10. It's Connecticut. Yeah, but it's fucking Memorial Day weekend. There's ice cream shops open later than bars. Yeah. The people there suck. Yeah. They're also running like billion dollar companies.

Me and my buddies went back to my parents' house and got absolutely blitzed in a fucking garage. Shit faced like on our back porch. That rules. Dude, it was

so funny. My dad, I didn't have my phone my phone was just inside my dad was texting me just like the the emojis like sleep like go to sleep emoji at like two telling you oh that he's sleeping you guys are loud oh my god so then dude get a disease emoji from your dad is worse than him opening the window going, shut the fuck up, I'm trying to sleep.

Passive aggressively telling your son, I'm fucking sleeping loser. I didn't see it until I went inside to take a piss. And then he comes downstairs. It just says dad 17. 16 Z's. He comes downstairs. One fishing emoji from earlier. He came downstairs and went outside and like my buddies reacted like they were 15.

Yeah. Yeah. Apparently he came out and he was like, Clyde. Clyde was like, hello Mr. O'Connor just putting the beer behind his back keep it down keep it down oh shit

dude then he went inside and then I came back out and like recognized my other buddy he was like is that Tim he was like no when I got back outside

Tim was like what the fuck he came back out he clocked me Tim I'm gonna see your dad tomorrow you got this yeah dude I was fucking around both of you guys was like, what the fuck? He came back out. He clocked me. Tim, I'm going to see your dad tomorrow. You got this. Yeah, dude, I was fucking around.

Both of you guys are getting phone calls tomorrow. Your parents. Dude. Yeah, shout out to you parents that don't rat on your friends. Yeah, yeah. Your kids' friends. You can't. Yeah, you can't.

I got a buddy I fucking, we drank in high school. Yeah. I told you this. I had to tell this story where my mother caught us all drinking because I left the 30 bird underneath the table where she kicked at eating cereal at fucking 12. Yeah. And she handed out pamphlets for AA because my brother just got out.

Yeah, yeah. So it was like the most awkward thing, but I was just shitting myself like, don't call anybody's parents mom. Yeah, yeah. And she didn't. I was like, queen. Like you are yeah the best in everybody's book two weekends later we get caught drinking at this one kid's

house and his mom called every parent yeah saying you know your son was drinking at our house yeah like what what a monster it. It's just bad politics, man. Because it's like, now he's going to be ostracized from his friends. Yeah. Because they'll just be like, dude, you're too, you're radioactive. You're volatile. Yeah, yeah. You're like, we can't get caught in trouble with you. Otherwise, everyone's leaked. Plus.

You're all over TMZ, dude. We can't be drinking in the woods with you. Plus, any dad or mom that didn't rat on you they had your respect for forever yeah yeah forever yeah dude we used to drink and you wound up cleaning up your act around them and yeah respecting the hell out yeah yeah yeah i'll drink less around you had a little bit yeah yeah i have a lot to prove now, Mr. Mullen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just nodding to him as soon as you walk in. Just fake hitting the cap. There he is.

Hey, cap. Bring him some wine. What can I do for you? Come on. Give me your feet right now. So sweet. But, dude, we talked about this as well, but, like, typically the parents who let their kids and their friends drink in the basement

are like degenerates that want to be friends with their son way too young yeah and then that kid ends up you know snorting fucking heroin in high school and then moving on the oxys yes just is dead in 10 years you know what i mean when that comes out the other side as like a good hang, like we had the Kearns, their family was the shit, dude. You go downstairs, everybody, they check on you, making sure you're not drinking too many beers. Right, right. Just smoking Coors Lights and playing Texas Hold'em. Right. In high school, making sure everybody gets home.

You know, they're doing eye checks and shit. They're making sure you're just hanging out. Because in their eyes, you're safer here. I know this is such a generic comment. No, I know, but... If we know where you are, you're going to out. Because in their eyes, you're safer here. I know this is such a generic comment. No, I know. But if we know where you are, you're going to drink anywhere. Yeah. We know what is happening out there in the fucking woods.

You know? Yeah. You might get a fucking chunky Italian pregnant, fuck up your college career. Yeah. We want to stay here where we know where the fingering's going. Yeah, exactly. You know, you're not going to have sex down there.

Yeah, and they let you know it's a privilege, not a right. Yeah, right. That's what I should have going to have sex down there. Yeah, and they let you know it's a privilege, not a right. Yeah, right. That's what I should have said. Instead of all that garbage I just spat. There's a little bit, they police it a little bit and they're like, yeah.

We're the sheriff but we're not going to wear the badge. Yeah, yeah. You know, we want to let you know that you got a little string here, don't take too much. Yeah.

Or all this card game is going away. Yeah. So we went there every Saturday for six years it's the best god i miss those dudes yeah that was nice being home got to booze it up with the boys a little bit yeah you see uh what's his face sullivan sullivan no i was supposed to go over his place for the NCAA finals.

We have time to shoot guns with him tomorrow? I don't know. I could talk to him. That would be sick. Yeah. It is tough. He's got, you know, like kids. Kids.

Yeah, a life. He's got a whole real life. Yeah. Yeah, that he has to manage. Yeah, but the guys that have a whole real life, you get a text going, can we shoot guns tomorrow? He's like, twat. Yeah, yeah.

He throws his kid off his lap. Put the dent in his forehead. Maybe. I'll hit him up. That would be sweet. Yeah, but you can't film at that. I gotta go get a fucking rental car tomorrow. Huh?

I gotta get a rental car tomorrow. Yeah. For the whole... Yeah, yeah. Seven days. Kitten caboodle. Wow. I know what you're looking at have we talked

about on the pot no we talked about on the patreon yeah we were in the Pacifica yeah last episode but it's not out to the public that Chris is falling in love with the I'm eyeing up another Pacifica yeah yeah what else would you get no it's perfect for the crew yeah we got the merch guys on our producers it's a seven-seater it's a dream and it is a very nice front seat it's a dream the boys know not to touch the front seat i know not to not to get in this in the steering column you'd get so upset well that's also the nice part the back seats are as comfortable as the front seat. Yeah. A lot of space. You got two bucket seats back there, two racing chairs. Yeah.

It's nice. A lot of space. Shout out Pacifica. You guys did it right. They really did. Cheap as hell. Dude, it's $42,000. I know.

I feel like that's a lot. No. For what that is? True. Dude, it's a fucking hybrid seven-seater. Great power steering. Incredibly smooth drive. Incredible sound system.

Outside of you slamming into the back of everybody almost. I mean, the brakes were a little... You do it a lot. Brakes were a little gummy. I'm willing to say that. No, it's because we're... This is what it is. We're seeing...

We're seeing the earth for the first time in different areas. And you get super autistic. So we're passing over a little bit of water. You're fucking, you're rubbernecking. And then I have to go, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris. And you go, Jesus Christ, the fucking brakes. That was automatic braking. I don't want to get into this.

The automatic braking is out of control. It's crazy that you're blaming it. If you actually held a certain distance and a certain speed limit, you wouldn't have to have the thing auto-lock on you. All right, but in the crisis, I know how to handle the situation. The car doesn't. You know who they're thinking of? People that don't know how to handle the crisis.

I know, I know, I know. But you've got to have a little faith in the driver But you've got to have a little faith in the driver. You've got to have a little faith in the driver. From Somerville. You know, you're worried about what's in front of you. I'm worried about what's behind me. No, you've got to worry about everything, dude. But that's what I'm saying.

I'm playing 40 chess in that driver's seat. Yeah. All right? In addition to enjoying the landscape. It's the bear behind you and the trees 100 yards while you're dashing through the woods. I know what it is. I shut this air off and I'm already fucking sweating.

Oh, yeah. That's why the camera's overheating. No, it's not too bad in here. It's like a 70. Yeah, it's pretty good. It used to be 66. What are you excited most

about this this next one I'm just excited to do more stand-up I also I like I will say I have been really enjoying the travel yeah I miss everyday driving yeah those like driving through the Midwest yeah with you guys yeah was fun as fuck. So sick. Blasting music, podding, hopping off of Marshall. Give it up for Marshall, Michigan. Yeah. Cute little town.

One of the cutest towns I've ever seen. Yeah. I mean, dude, after living in that house in Detroit, you could have put us on fucking Mars with our nuts exploding. Like, this is fine. This is cute. This quaint little town. That was beautiful. Detroit suburbs were very cute,

but Detroit, good Lord. Hell hole. Yeah. Was it the last pod? I talked about this guy yelling, yeah, Philly's a shit hole too. Yeah, yeah.

Right? It's the same thing. Now it ain't. It's not even. Not even fucking close. It's not even close. And I was like, you ever been to Philly? He's like, no.

But there is a beauty. There's a beauty to Detroit's fucking collapse. Dilapidation? Yeah. Yeah. When you're driving through those neighborhoods, you've never seen anything like it. I have. Cuba. Oh, really? You want to talk about beauty in dilapidation? Yeah. You've never seen anything like it? I have. Cuba.

Oh, really? You want to talk about beauty in dilapidation? Yeah. It's beautiful. The coral brick. Yeah. Everything's beautifully colored. It's almost like Chernobyl, minus all the fucking dead Russians.

Yeah. Just dead Cubans. Just dead Cubans. Sexier. And all the old cars just still active. Oh, yeah, all the 50s cars. Dude, it's beautiful. So they just put new engines in that thing, or are they like... Yeah, I think due to the climate, it also doesn't deteriorate.

You know, it's like how trucks... Right, right, right, right, right. Tacomas in Texas last a lot longer because there's no wear and tear on the salt. Yeah, you're not getting salt underneath it. The extreme cold, the change in temperatures. It's not eating away at everything. Right. It's tropical.

It's tropical. Yeah. I don't want to say, fuck you, Gardini, for giving me Toyota Tacoma Dami. But I do, I'm starting to like it a little bit. Yeah. T3? T3 rules. T3 PO.

R2 D-Turd? Yeah, you're... That one stinks. T3PO. R2D2? Yeah, you're... T3PO. No, that's sick, dude. The combo's nice. If we're talking fucking characters for merch, you and I, T3PO and R2D2?

Get the scribbling, you fucking... Just a pile of shit going like... You art school failures, get the scribbling you fucking shit going like you art school failures get the scribbling and papa's out journalist studies you would be that if you were a transformer that would be a sick one yeah yeah just a tacoma just turn it into yeah yeah were you in the Transformers? That too old for you. Just the Toyota logo turning into a necklace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just me smoking a cigarette with my side doors open. You should get all of your, like, all of that, whatever that trim is.

You know, the part that says Tacoma and the logo. You should get all gold versions of that. Oh, man. As tattoos or just like chain medallions? Just on the car. I should get a Toyota chain medallion. You should get all gold versions of that. Oh, man. As tattoos or just like chain medallions? Just on the car. I should get a Toyota chain medallion. You should. That'll be a nice little hidden Easter egg for season two.

That can unlock your doors. Yeah. Dude, that would be so sick. That would be pretty cool. Do you think someone... Definitely. Definitely there's a gold Toyota Tacoma medallion. A hundred percent.

You can look it up right now. I bet it's, yeah. Although you got to, yeah. We're using our phones to record audio, so it might get in the way. Wait, these are for cars though. Oh, really? Well, I mean, you can just put a chain. Chain?

Yes. Dude. Chain? Yes. Dude. It's nice. It actually looks nice. It's kind of sick. It looks really nice. It looks religious, but... You should get like a...

Someone should mock up... KL Ballon Jewelry has it in. In stock. Introducing our one-of-a-kind Toyota emblem pendant. This pendant is expertly crafted with the highest quality materials and attention to detail. Dude, it's a fucking Toyota emblem.

Shut up. Dude, you should get also your hair on top of the car. Like in Dumb and Dumber the dog ears and shit. My eyelashes on the fucking headlights.

Damn. There's so many options. Toyota. I think you do need that. See it's in the shade now it's fine. I think just the something about the UV light.

We're losing lighting though. Yeah that's okay. It's going to be dark. No but then we'll reset everything. We'll reset everything for losing lighting, though. Yeah, that's okay. It's going to be dark. No, but then we'll reset everything. We'll reset everything for the Patreon. Alright. Yeah. We're going to be okay, Chris? I think so. You think we'll be okay?

This should adjust to the light on its own. I don't know. I might be dark. You look good. You still growing your hair out? Yeah, I just haven't gotten a haircut. You want to go to this place called Sorik with me? No. Where's Sorik?

What is it? I should go back to my guy in Queens. Sorik is that barbershop slash clothes designing place. Oh, in Austin? Yeah. Yeah, I would go there. This shirt's from Sorik. I would go there in a heartbeat. Oh, really? Yeah. Everything, I would go there. This place is... This shirt's from Sork. I would go there in a heartbeat.

Oh, really? Yeah. Everything's personalized. It's one of the bowling shirts. I want... This is a... It's not a bowling shirt. It's a button-up.

If you had your name stitched into the... I could do that. Yeah, that would be a great bowling shirt. Where are you going? I'm filling up a little bit of water. There's a second water right here. Oh, I thought that was for you. I'm dark up a little bit of water there's a second water right here all right I thought that was for you hmm I'm dark as hell now you're gonna be fine oh shit you're gonna be fine

that's better that back now my camera's gonna overheatat. No, I'm in. Nah, you're good, dude. Yeah, it's not as hot. Yeah, see that? That's a good color. You're blown out. Not from this angle. Yeah, no, I'll be okay. Yeah.

I'll be okay on that one. Also, thanks for dealing with the inconsistencies. You know what? Fuck you. I think I actually... I shouldn't say that. I like... I kind of like it. I think it's charming.

Charming? I do. I think us being on the road doing this stuff... Trying to figure it out? I think it adds a level of excitement. I think so too, Chris. It's a transitional phase. I think they can all read it in your facial expressions in terms of excitement.

Whoa. Whoa, slow down, dude. This is me excited. Whoa. Whoa, dude. Whoa. New York City, man. You know, man.

It is pretty. You should show them what it looks like. Dude, the dirt track was so fucking sick. Oh, yeah, talk about the fucking dirt track. Dude, literally the first heat of the race, there was a guy in this number five car, and I was like, I like the cut of this guy's jib, right from the jump.

He started in last place. Then from the jump yeah he started in last place then throughout that heat he finished in second and I was like is this the four-wheelers with the fin on the back on the top yeah yeah I'm like I like this guy dude winds up winning the whole thing really did you put money now no can you bet I think you can i don't i but i didn't know how to do it is it just a fat dude slapping a fucking newspaper or you actually go to a dude at this place i hope it is a fat dude slapping a newspaper yeah yeah with a giant fat head and a tiny little fedora yeah it's not even a fedora it's just a normal size cap that looks like a fedora just chewing on a cigar oh my god yeah that i that would be where was this mechanicsberg yeah jesus it was dude the dirt track is so fun killing a hog dude

speaking of slaughtering pigs yeah this is a classy joint damn it's a classy joint gerben made it gerben went yeah and he he was he was not thrilled about why he just, like, it's a lot. It's super loud. It's like, dude, he's just getting back out into the public. You know what I mean? God. He's, like, getting out there, seeing the world.

Yeah. And it's like he's never, I always try to get him to go to, like, hockey games and stuff because I was like, they're fun. And he was like. The horn's too much? It's just like, it's claustrophobic, you know? A hockey game? Yeah, you're in that building.

There's so many bodies, you know? It's just a sporting event. I know, but it makes it uneasy. He's hyper sensitive. Yeah, he's a cat in a car. If I'm a cat in a car, that motherfucker's seven cats in a car. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had a couple beers and he fucking...

Settled down? Yeah, yeah. Speaking of the other cat in the he fucking... Settled down? Yeah, yeah. Speaking of the other cat in the car, how was Kyla doing? Kyla was good. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Kyla was all right. That's Kyla's wheelhouse.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, she's the mayor of that fucking... Just center of a dirt track. Yeah. Yeah. That's how you describe her personality. That's like, for her, that's...

You might as well be in a swimming pool in like Barbados or something jeez me getting fitted for a silk suit she's cool as a cucumber that's home that rules and checking out the merch

were you guys getting fucking bombarded or did you have a nice little set up it wasn't too bad Shane was getting hit pretty hard.

Yeah. But I think, I don't think, I don't know. You'd have to ask him. I don't think it was too crazy. Yeah, that's a nice simple town for. Yeah. And like, it was like, like slowly people kind of figured out that he was there. Yeah.

And so he was taking a lot of pictures. There's no question about that. But I think it was like, it wasn't too bad. Yeah. It wasn't too bad. He didn't seem bothered by it, at least. Yeah. Yeah.

That's awesome. And he never entertained the idea of not being in the infield. So I don't think he was too. Oh, you guys sat in the infield? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that rules. We were just in the center the whole time. That's great.

It was fucking awesome. Yeah. You can just carry in as many beers as you can carry. It's like Preakness. Yeah. Yeah. It was incredible. So we just had a giant cooler, two giant coolers full of Bud Lights.

So you guys didn't walk around? You just chilled in one spot? Yeah, pretty much. We walked around. We were checking out. Because all the cars have their little merch shops set up in the infield. So you can buy your favorite racers. And you chose this?

You didn't get a fucking merch from a... I should have gotten a shirt. Oh my God, dude. I should have gotten a shirt. Like Mudflap Randy? There's got to be some kind of... It was one of those things where I took an initial lap through and I was like, I'm definitely going to get something. Yeah.

And then you wind up drinking... Seven beers. Yeah, yeah. And then you're hanging out. And you're like, I'm definitely gonna get something yeah and then you wind up drinking seven beers yeah yeah yeah then you're hanging like I'm definitely gonna lose a shirt yeah and then the race and I'm not gonna gain one yeah that would have if I had spilled a hot dog all over me then I would have gotten one for sure but yeah damn that was so fun how you feel after the release i'm sure people want to hear about that i feel good i'm it's like i mean it went as well as i feel like it could possibly go yeah i thought you haven't seen it yet yeah yeah i watched it and watched it with shane i thought i it's like, it's really good. Yeah, I know, it's good.

Yeah. I only saw the first two, but I've been waiting on a hotel TV screen to have Netflix. Yeah, yeah. Or be able to screen it. Yeah. Because I'm not going to watch the whole thing on my phone. Yeah, I don't, you know, I don't, like, yeah. I'm getting sent, like, lines that were told.

I'm like, yeah. I heard it was good, man. You guys are fantastic. You haven't seen it yet? Dude, Kyla is so funny. Yeah, she was great. Obviously, like, Urban and Shane are so fucking funny. Yeah.

Dude, it really is just, like, I don't know. Yeah, Tyler said some good things today he was like just the fact that it's all shot in basically one place in one room and you could just still be that funny yeah it's a testament to the talent yeah everybody was really fucking great and the writing yeah obviously but i got a few pictures taken in Center City. Yeah. I went shopping. That's pretty nice. And I got stopped in the middle of the road a few times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go. I mean, I look exactly who I am. Yeah, yeah. So I wasn't fucking dodging bullets. Yeah, yeah. I feel like as long as I don't have to go to... Yeah, true. Or if you're next to me.

I'm in the weeds. Yeah, yeah. Then they're going to really get you. Wait, are you? Yeah. You calling? You're like, it's Cal. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I don't know. I think it's like, it did really well. It is good. Yeah, number one for like four days. Yeah, yeah. What more can you ask for? I thought that was going to go a lot longer, but apparently that fucking, that lesbian European

timepiece is a good, that's fine. But you can just point this way. We only have a couple minutes left. Yeah. Well, congrats to you, Chris. Congrats to you, man. You're in it. You're in it. You're part of it. I heard.

Crazy. I love you. Yeah. Welcome back. Yeah. Let're part of it. I heard. It's crazy. I love you. Yeah. Welcome back. Yeah. Let's do the Patreon. Yeah, let's go page. If you're not on it, go to Patreon. We'll see if we can, yeah.