Stuff Island - Dan Soder - Stuff Island #248

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

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Or done this before? Oh, this is the hooker. This is the hooker version of podcasting. You are paying for one meetup near Harold Square. And you're just like, here's the money. Let me do my business. Yeah. We'll never speak again.

I know. It feels, and he leaves the door cracked. It feels like you're having like a girl over your house for the first time. And your mom's like, I'm going to be in the other room. Yeah. You guys start podcasting about some crazy. crazy shit. I'm gonna come in there and break it up. I hear some fucking crazy ideas. Dude, I feel that way, I feel that way about trying to schedule a podcast is it feels like the way like, like married couples talk about like trying to have a kid.

Yeah, like scheduling a fuck. Yeah. I'm riffing. I'm having a heavy riff cycle. Why don't we schedule? I'll be home from work. I think, yeah, it is. I said, I said that recently to some. somebody just is a joke and it's stuck in my head as like, this is straight up friendship porn. Where it's just like, we had dinner last night. Yeah. With our lovely ladies. We had a incredible hang. Yeah.

And then it's like, hey, do you want to come do my only fans with my only friends? Dude. Come do my only friends with me. And then we'll go in this Russian guy's studio and put lights up. That's what I'm saying. It'll be like a dude with like a hot wife who's like, dude, you don't know how bad like, fucking to have a kid is.

They're like two years into it. Yeah. That's almost what it feels like because you're like, people will be like, isn't you just hanging out with your friends? You're like,

yeah, but it's... You gotta get it up. You gotta get it up for it. I gotta usually wear something riffable. Like you're like dressing up for a podcast. And you feel like someone's at work and you're like,

can you just get home real quick? Hey, listen, I know you had a long day. I got something to promote. So I need that's the baby. You're like, hey, I got something coming out. So I need you done.

So like, I need to really do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is, it is hilarious because it's like, this will end. Because I started in radio. Yeah. That's where I started. Yeah. Like before stand-up, because I was scared of doing stand-up.

I was like, I'm going to do radio because then at least I'll have a cool job. Right. Because I thought radio wasn't going anywhere. Yes. And you can, yeah, your face isn't attached to it. Dude, you have a silly name. You just go on there. I was scared Dan.

Yeah. And you just go on there. That was your name. Scared. Well, I accidentally gave it to myself. I worked back, when you worked in radio back in the day, when you turned on the microphone, it started a tape. So it started recording a tape.

And then when you turn off the mic, it would stop the tape. So it was for air check. So, like, it was, I worked the overnights. I worked midnight to 6 a.m. My boss isn't listening to the radio. So what they would do is when I would come in to get my check, you would do an air check tape. so you'd do an air check. So you'd basically give them their tape

and they would sit there and listen to you, do breaks and they'd be like, all right, this old boss I had Matt Spry was like the best person I've ever seen with the economy of words

where he was like, you don't need to say that. He's like, you keep saying it's KFMA, just say, KFMA. He's like, you don't even need to say that. You're wasting time on words.

So it was really fascinating. And then I was like, I started doing stand-up. And then I moved to New York and was doing both radio and stand-up. but it was as radio was dying quickly. That shit got stage four fucking rectal cancer

and just started getting like, because what happened was Clear Channel bought up all the stations, and then everyone knew Clear Channel was evil, so they changed their name to I Heart Radio. They just bought up all the, they were Clear Channel. They were the ones that bought up everybody. That's such a funny switch. It's like, my name's super dupe.

Friendly town. I'm hugs mix sweets. And you're like, oh, that's crazy, because you were just deleted. core and you were just going around deleting everybody but that is what it was like it was like Clear Channel was like clear channel was like

clear it's like their stripper name is I heart radio they're like Cheyenne Cheyenne to let you watch her shoot a ping pong ball out of her pussy yeah it feels like Deborah This Hallibur can I tell you a road bit that Sagal that uh who was I with when we were doing it it was Sagalow yeah

I met this guy came up to me at New York comedy club and he was like, it was before a show, just like a random ass show. And he hands me a business card and he's like, what's up, dude? He's like, already bad son. Yeah, he's like, I'm Jake. And I'm like, what's up, man? He's like pretty much best friends with Dave Attell. And that's what he said to me and I went, cool man. And we just like talk for a little bit. And then Sagalow and I are driving to Albany and I like tell him that story. He goes, dude, I was on that show. The guy did the same thing to me. But he said a different comic. Yeah. He was like, oh, I knew. And then it was like, that's really a weird thing to do.

But then we kept doing, what if he was David Tell's best friend? And he's like, you know, Jake, pick you up from the airport. We were just doing best friend stuff. Listen to your problems. You're like, oh, my God, this guy is David Tell's best friend. It was such a weird thing. It's an insane thing. It's insane.

To hand a business card? Yeah. And that's your line? There you go, I'm David Tell's best friend. You're like, well, I'm going to show this to Davidel. Yeah. I'll see him in three hours at the comedy. I'm going to cross reference you.

I don't think you're going to like the way to check up on this. You know this isn't the 90s where you could just say shit and no one had a way to back this up. Well, yeah, you'd think he would come in. You should have just looked around and you'd be like, can I help you? Yeah, yeah. I'm looking for Dave.

He's my best friend. Yeah, I'm from, Atel. You're best friends with Dave. And also, anyway, here's my business card. I've known Dave for 20 years. I've never heard of a Jake. Yeah. He's never been like, I was in a real pinch and then Jake.

came through. It was just like, dude, but it's also... I don't know would tell that well, but it almost seems like a thing that could happen

with him though. Yeah, specifically him? Yes. Where he'd get mad at me? Yeah, like, were you mean to my friend Jake?

And I'm like, holy shit. What the fuck? How did that happen? That is such a 90s lie. Yeah. You can like tell that guy peaked in the 90s

because that was such a like, or even like, when I moved here in 06, 07, if you would have handed me a business card and been like, I'm friends with Dave Chappelle. I'd go, I'm a Dave Chappelle's friend.

Yeah. I wouldn't check that up. I wouldn't have a way to cross reference up. Of course. It's like, it's like when you start comedy. Yeah. And someone's like, yeah, I worked with so and so. And you're like, who used to get you?

What was the craziest hype story? Because I can remember a couple of mine where they told me where I was like, damn, you worked with Michael Winslow. Yeah, there was, there was a good. It's always like a guy. Yeah. There was a dude in Philly who, who did like a show with like Bill Burr and Geraldo. Yeah, that's huge.

you were like, whoa, man. Like, so you guys like... The coolest one was... So you guys keep in touch, you're still in Philly. He's there, you know, like, so what's that, you know? You guys run bits? He's like, I didn't even really meet him. And then I was just sunk up with him.

And you're like, oh, shit. Yeah, because, and then it gave you, like, a misapprehension of what opening for someone would be like. That's the deceiving part that really pissed me off. Because when I was here, Chris Rock was running his special. the one that he filmed in a bunch of different countries. Yeah. Shoot the messenger. Yeah.

So he was like running it everywhere in New York City. And he would drop in on these, specifically what I liked about it. It was interesting to watch. He would drop in on shows where no one knew he was going to be there. So basically it was an audience that some people knew him, most people knew them. Right. Some people didn't. And that's what he wanted.

He wanted to run these jokes for the sake of being jokes. But I was on some of these shitty bar shows. Or it was even like shitty club shows. It wasn't bar shows. It's like Stand Up New York and a couple of things. other places and he would come in and do a show and I would be on the show like like six hours later but so it's someone else and then I would see them going around going oh for Chris Rock because they went on like three before him and you go no you didn't yeah you didn't that like really

started making me be like it is funny yeah it's funny to be like yeah man we're all we were all pulling on the same rope like you were doing any of the we were working together to put a good show on Well, then there was the Facebook post-epidemic of 2012 where Louis was all over the city and everyone on Facebook was writing these stories where they were like, I was at the back of cabin. Yeah. It was a hot show. I went on stage, did a new joke.

It worked perfectly. I get offstage. A hand comes through the crowd and shakes it. It's Louis C.K. Yeah. He tells me that's the greatest order of words I've ever heard spoken in my life. And you're like, no, you're not. I watch your comedy.

You stink. There's no way this fucking happened. And it would get me fired up on my little laptop, my shitty little laptop. Well, it's also like, again, once you meet some of those guys and they become real human beings, you realize they were in like a weird underground bar show, just like kind of doing a cool thing. And maybe also felt a little uncomfortable. and they went to some guy who got off stage. They went, that was good, man.

Great job, man. They were just, you know what they were doing? He was just being decent. Yeah, yeah. Then they go home and they just spin a yarn. They were like, the seas. The seas were battering the coast that night. Guys, it was a rough room.

But I turned them around. Yeah, just in time. My father used to abuse me. They don't know a sidetracker. Like, this is crazy. Oh, but the shit I wanted to say to you was when I sat down was being in New York stinks for a lot of reasons. There are fantastic reasons of why you should live here.

Like I said, music, when you're walking through the city, music hits harder in the earbuds. But watching real life creeps, like real life creeps on the street. I was walking here. Old dude. It is true. Older rich looking guy just confronts.

three younger Asian girls in bikini tops. So I immediately click off the earbuds because I want to hear whatever I'm walking by. Patchen. I'm patching in. But I, we got something on it. And I'm walking by and the dude is showing these three younger Asian girls his phone. And he's like,

something about a pool edition. And he goes, pool edition. But he's like, it's it's got it it's it's it's pictures of the house it's bank account it's whatever like he was in such dick salesman mode he's like what do i got to do to get you three sweet sweet sweet asian sweetie pies to stack on me yeah the scary part is you wonder if it's worked yes because that is the thing about new york it's like the level of creep it's like some of the guys they've been doing it

30 40 years yeah do they know how to move time in the saddle yeah yeah you've never looked over Central Park over wine. It's a numbers game, dude. They're like, this, my buddy was dating this girl who was very attractive. And they moved here together, and they were like living with us.

And she was really sweet, but she was an actress and she was like trying to get a job. And, you know, we're just like sitting in the shittiest story apartment. At that point, the couch was broken. So just like one person could sit on it.

And we're just like chilling. And she comes in very, very excited. And she goes, I've been discovered. And I was like, oh, I'd already been living here for a year. And I was like, I don't really think that's how that works. And she was like, I was at this bar and this man that used to manage Frank Sinatra. She like named all these old-timey guys.

And I was like, yo, this is. And it's my friend and I are listening to this girl, his girlfriend, talk. And she's just like so positive that you're like, that's not what it was. Yeah, it's the singer-songwriter version of, I worked with, yeah. Franks. Yeah. Bill Burr.

Yeah. He literally did that. Yeah, yeah. But by the way, the guy said he was a manager that owned a restaurant and he was going to get her. He was going to get her. This is 07, 08. So it's like the industry was still like a thing. Like I don't think young people are ever going to understand what the industry was where someone would literally reach down and go, hey, I'm going to put you in stuff now.

Yeah. Dude, I don't think I understand. Really? Yeah, because I never like, I missed it. I was at the vapors end of it. I was at the end when it was running out. But yeah, you're right. I like, I was doing comedy,

but I never came into contact with the industry. You know what I mean? Because they were, like, industry showcases. Yeah. And you would see motherfuckers that you saw be calm as hell, be tight. I did see that happen to people. You see them at a comedy club getting tight. I remember I did in a Montreal audition in 2008 with Michael Blackson,

and I watched them put on the Deshiki. And I was like, Swain turning into Batman. Dude, I mean, it has to be nuts. Like, it is because it's like you're, it's being lost at sea and you finally see a tanker. But they go, we have one. They go, we got one life raft. Yeah.

Who's castable? Yeah. Because that's why comedy was dog shit for a while because it was all people making sitcom pitches. Their stand-up was all sitcom pitches. So all their jokes were like, I'm a single dad and I can't get my stump together. and all I want is love and then like some unoriginal dickhead at NBC would be like

I think that's a show a lot of people would like It's like the crowdwork clip of its day Yes, that's exactly what it was You're watching the same kind of the yeah They would just go like What you do for a living? They would tell you that What I do for a living?

Comics would tell you that They'd go like yo dude Get five minutes together that you could sell as a show And you're like how about I just try to be funny Is it just crazy that I want to be as funny as I possible Do they go? Yeah No

not at all we don't want any of that shit but that's why it also fucking died because it was a shitty system yeah I think there's also like I don't know I couldn't have done it any other way I couldn't like I don't know if I could have built a specific act for a specific thing I remember trying

because I did Montreal in like 2011 and people love the fact that I was doing jokes about my mom being a single mom but I was like yeah that's more trauma than it is a pitch I don't think I was really I wasn't really trying to pitch you guys on a show as much as I'm trying to work through stuff with my self-defense mechanism.

I love the single mom angle. Yeah, and you go, I don't want to talk about it. But like to the point that I had like meetings because this is like I got a manager and the managers know the people in the industry. So then you do these like meetings. Yeah. And you meet with them and you can still have meetings with writers now.

But back then it was like, you want to talk about porn. That was like, I have a businessman that wants you to fly in. And then you just have a meeting with a guy. He's like, yeah. wrote Punky Brewster. What do you got? And you're like, my mom was single? I think we could do something with that.

It was crazy. Yeah, that's got to be the, that feels like similar to the, the dude showing you the pool. Yeah, he's like, hey, that's exactly what it was. Yeah, yeah, it's like, hey, look at this. Hey, give me all your trauma and I'll let you swim in this. Let me access your trauma points.

And then nothing happens with, yeah. But it's also like, people talked about being sent out for those meetings to like, you know, whatever, Comedy Central or something like that and it sounded like terrifying. It was but then the couple times that it worked

you just get a call and they're like hey they're going to give you $125,000 to write this show and you're like thank God are you serious? Like making a call like I got drafted. My mom's like shaking my baby is going to the league

and you're like yeah it was insane it's just Drake buying you a dress that's what it was and I was like Oh, mama. My tits are mashed together. But, like, now we can complain about podcasting because it's like the biggest thing in the world as we're doing it. But, yeah. Motherfucker, I ain't going back to morning radio.

No. Did you ever do with that on the road? Did you have to do a lot of morning radio? I never did it. I've been asked to do it a few times. And you go, I don't have to because I'll do Matt and Shane's or I'll do an episode of fucking kill Tony. You're like. Yeah, I've avoided it.

Brother. when you had to go to fucking the Grand Rapids Zoo and just talk to a guy named like Numnuts and he just doesn't have any respect for you It's it's it's I can't yeah can't I snapped like a couple times by the end Right just go like dude what? Why am I why are you big dogging me?

Yeah Why? Because you sell tickets to Kansas City Do you shut the fuck up? They used to move it yeah Just the way that That's why it's so funny to watch entertainment now because it's like, you guys,

you guys like showed the model, which is really cool, I think. Tires showed the model to a bunch of younger comics. It's just go like, hey, pool your resources. Make it.

Yeah. If it's good, they'll buy it. Now, obviously, that's not like A plus B equals C, but it can kind of, you get a better hint of that.

It is, it is, yeah. I mean, I always find it, Kind of funny when like anything Shane does. People are like, that's the... You go, it's Shane.

It's Shane. Hold on. Hold on. He's a generational talent. It's Shane. It's like, what you got to do is what Randy Moss does. Yeah. You got to understand.

Gatorade. Gatorade sells. You go, Michael Jordan sold Gatorade. Michael Jordan sold Gatorade. It's like Nike, Nike gets you, it might not do shit. You also have to be an all-star. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Nike could have been nothing. Yeah, because you're right, there is a lot of fault in what I said of like, if you made a show Netflix or go, cool. I know. Fuck you. Don't give a shit, do you? But it does kind of seem like some of that is how like the obsession and backrooms and stuff like are kind of. I think the spirit. I don't know too much of the details of it, but it feels like that's close to the modelish, similar.

As someone that came up when there was industry and was like in script deals and all this like. development hell. I was like, I honestly think it was insecurity, but it was also like, in denial when like Schultz started putting his special on YouTube and cutting it up.

I was like, what are you doing? Have Comedy Central baby that. Have fucking this. And then you watched it grow his fan base. That's his fan base. And you go, oh, shit. And then it's like,

because there's people that are still in the business that aren't letting go. They're like, no, no, no, dude. Fucking Hollywood reporter wrote an article about me. I'm going to be in this. and you go, I don't think that exists anymore, buddy.

I know. But again, it's like there's something that feels like, I don't know. I think it's the same mentality of just wanted to get like a job with a big corporation. You're like, I want to get like health insurance and I want to get like, I want to feel like I'm like on like a. I wanted that. I want security.

Yeah, yeah. You know what's funny is it's all I always think of that joke from office space. I think about it more and more the older I get where he goes, what do you guys just want to work at into tech the rest of your life? and Samir goes, the kind of security would be nice. I get that. I forget that.

Yeah, it's just like, yeah, just be safe. Unless Peter now and more Samir. I'm just like, yeah, I don't know, maybe I'll just work my whole life here. This would be pretty nice.

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There you go. BAM! Dude, this setup does make me, I don't know. Portographic? You know what it feels like? It feels like I should be asking you like what kind of gun you carry. You know what I mean? 45.

It has a little bit of that, the way it's lit. Yeah, it is also... I feel like any time I see like a clip with this type of setup, the guy's like, this is a wireless router. And I can use it to hack your phone. We look like the Rocket Mortgage Podcast, the fake one that's on the commercial.

We're going to go, open your phone right now. How many apps do you have open? How many apps do you have open right now? Oh, my God. You're spending so much money. Dude, I'm so glad you said it. Cameraddle. Rocket Mortgage.

Dot com. That's so funny. That's exactly. I think what it looks like. It also looks like I have gigantism with the way my hands are over. I was like, I was an experiment. I can't figure out anything.

I'll podcast for a thousand more hours than go back to fucking morning radio. Yeah. Waking up early. You'd fly in on Thursday and they'd be like, hey, you got boom, boom in the squat at 5 a.m. And you're like, Rick, the fucking alcoholic manager is going to pick you up at 4.15 a.m. and you come downstairs, he's like, hey. But the thing I miss, that's when you would find out who in comedy was psycho. How do you mean?

Like, they're driving you to morning radio. They do that a lot. Go stop by Dunkin' Donuts, get a coffee. You drive to the radio station, you go, who did you have last week? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, fuck. And you go, really? That was the best part.

because you'd be like, she's a cunt. That's crazy. That's kind of nice. It was fun. Getting the dirt. I still do it. I have different ways now. Now, just the general manager.

If you sell tickets, you could be a lot more direct. I go, who sucks? I said that a lot. Find out. And they tell you? Oh, they can't wait to tell you. They're not beholden to anybody. That's why young comics that are watching this,

never tell secrets around a comedy club manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they will tell the next person the next week. Yeah. You don't talk about hookers. They're loyal to whoever is fucking fill in the room that week. Yeah. I feel like I don't do a good job of that at all.

I don't talk to managers at all. I don't like, yeah. I'm telling you, that makes everything better. You're literally like just going into work there and you just want to be like, what's up? And honestly, as someone, did you work in restaurants ever? I was a barback for a while. All right.

So you did the physically most demanding. Yeah. But barbacks outside of drinking with the staff after don't really get in the same mix up. No, we're not, we're not in the, yeah, it was me and the Mexican boys, which also was like fascinating. They probably were, you were probably like a fucking unicorn. They're like, you want me to be that? Surprisingly similar body type. You could probably just hold a tray over your head.

I get wobbly arms right about here. Oh, it was, it was, we would, we would challenge each other, like who could carry the most 20, or 30s up the stairs. Isn't that crazy? You're probably like a tale they tell in Halisco. They're like I job being Philadelphia. I work at a restaurant. Dude, I like I

there was a guy that I worked with that I remember he was a legal immigrant. Sure. And I remember like he was one of the most impressive human beings. Dude, he spoke like six languages.

He would learn, he learned Russian, he learned Chinese, he learned French and like Italian and obviously English and Spanish. He was like... And all you have is you go, I fell out of a pussy here.

Get out of my way. Dude, I literally, I asked him if you wanted to get gay married. That's so funny to live there. I was like, just to get citizenship. Yeah.

I was like, do you want to do that? And that's when you find out their Catholic. Get your fucking demonic ass away from me. I love finding that out of them. No, no.

And you go, but we could, you could live, you could have the American dream. I know. No, bitch a fucking. It was a full. It was a full Catholic off. It was my Catholic guilt being like, I can't believe. I need to wash your feet. He's like after a shift, he's like, why are you watching my feet?

He makes no sense. Why are you doing? Yeah, dude. I fucking liked it because I lived in Arizona for long enough that like when I lived in Arizona, I learned it's like you can just straight up to a Mexican dude be like this is crazy right I'm just like a white dude up in your shit and they're like yeah it's just it's also like when you have when you're comfortable enough with a black friend that you just go like hey you can just talk race relations and they don't like I think a problem is with progressive people is they

don't feel comfortable having just like a real conversation yeah yeah just exploring yeah I understand that you're a lot different but with like a Mexican barback you're just like Hey, you want to get gay married and move here? And he's like, no, fucking gay shit. Get that gay shit out of you. I love that. I mean, like, everybody should work in a kitchen. Everybody should work in a kitchen.

Everybody should work in a restaurant. Because you just get, what it is is you get treated poorly by your customers. Yeah. While doing a thing that they need to live. Yeah. And there is a, there's a very, like, specific, there's a class system within the restaurant that makes you, like, makes me a little bit uppity. Managers. Yeah, I'm a very up.

I was a waiter. I was like, Oh, Rodrigo, I can't touch this. I was like, I might as well pulled up in Rolls Royce with suicide doors

the way that was the fucking, because it goes, I hated the bartenders. Yeah, but by the way. Yeah. And you know this. Yeah.

Well, you're their indentured servant. Yeah. And I would be like, what do you even do? They go, get me more mint for most heroes, boy.

Dude, watching. Good. bartenders take care of their barbacks. Yeah, yeah. It's the way a good leader in the army takes care of the grunts. Yeah. He just got to be good at that.

But low-key, no one understands the bartenders have the most power in the restaurant. They usually deal with the cash when cash was a big deal. Yep. They usually deal with payouts. They give you your drinks, which makes your checks higher. So that's going to make you more money. They can cut people off. And they're the coolest.

Yeah. They usually are the coolest. They're the most fuckable. Yeah. They're like oil men. Yeah, they really are. In the... Now you understand that this ball is my.

I take your tips. I take my straw all the way down here. Yeah, like if the drinks are coming slow to your table, you're fucked. Fucked. I also know when waiters were dicks to bartenders, they would just overlook your drink tickets. A hundred. Yeah. Just jump.

If I, like, I, you know, I'm the son of a bartender. I fucking. I know, I've never been a bartender, but I grew up around it. I grew up around it a lot. I always loved the bartenders. I was always befriending them because also you get to pull up, watch ESPN, chill and talk to them at server bar. You get fucking your sodas, you get everything fast, and you get paid out quicker. Yeah.

But I would watch waiters be dickheads of the bartenders and I'd watch them just sink their shit. But yeah, I get it. I get wanting to be a dick, but you can't. Yeah, dude. but the fucking... Can't bite the hand that feeds you. And also I misspoke. Bartenders are not the most fuckable.

It goes hostesses because they're the eye candy that... Well, obviously. When you get a hostess, you're like, oh, you're just a hot girl that can give a little chit-chat on the way to the table. Yeah. They're like, nah, it's crazy night. It's really. And it's just some fucking creep trying to show him his pool. Be it like, yeah.

Dude, those were always the girls that were getting guys just fucking lobbing it at them. More than waitresses. I can imagine. Because you feel like you can just pull them away. Yeah, you go, oh, you're just like a little girl that has no money. Yeah, you come here. And as a waiter, you hate them because if they're dumb, they fuck your shit up just as much as a bartender. Yeah, well, that's what always feels like they're dumb too, which is probably why they're a target.

A lot of, like, waitresses kind of feel like they're like they know what the fuck they're doing. Sure. You can tell by the way they're moving, the way they're operating, it's like, this is, this can be a challenge. Yeah. But the dumb ass that walks you to the table. That's just, that's an injured gazelle. Dude, one time I got so mad at this fucking hostess, because I did lunches in Midtown.

So it was like 11 a.m. we opened at 11.30, the shit hit the fan. You got people coming downstairs in the office. You got Lehman Brothers. It was Blackstone. It was like all the big investment firms. And they would, they want tacos and a Patron Margarita at a cool restaurant. They fucking wedged into that, motherfucker. And I remember this girl Ruby

Shout out Ruby She double sat me like And they double sit you, they throw you off Now you're running at two tables at once You can't like there's like an art to it Of like sitting a section and like getting it going But I fucking snapped And I walked over to I go

Ruby guess what? I've decided to pull my money together this week And I'm going to enroll you at community college So you can take a physics class To understand what time and space is And she was like, what? But I had like the veins in my head popping where I go, physics. So you know not to put two tables at the same place at the same time.

And she was like, the whole restaurant's watching. Yeah, dude, just fucking losing. But I was trying to be nice. So it was like white dickhead energy. I'm like, hey, Rumi. Dude, I was so mad. Oh, man. It was just like two four tops.

Those are like good money. And now they're both going to suffer. Fuck, I hated that job. That's like giving me anxiety talking about it. Dude, I mean, barbacking. On a Friday night? Dude, the worst was the days, like, because you would, I think it was Tuesdays. You had to come in.

You had to load everything in. They would deliver the booze. Cags, cases. Dude. And then you would have to just stick around. Until everything was inventory. Yeah, you do inventory, but then they would just make you stick around until, like, one? Oh.

You know what I mean? It was brutal. Dude, that's a long day. Yeah, and you're just sitting there, like, you know, trying to sneak drinks. Did you smoke cigarettes? That's where I started. I would like, dude, I would do, this is what I would do, because they had cameras from the,

from literally the walk-in fridge all the way to where you dump the trash. Yeah. And so I would hide beers like in my pockets. Brilliant. Take the trash out Dude, I was so on top of the trash They go, Chris is That was like your outgoing interview

They go, I just want to say You were the cleanest Barback we've ever had in our lives Yeah, because you know And then I would slam a beer And smoke a cigarette Out by the trash What kind of beer?

I would get the heavy It would be like golden monkey Or something Like the most like ABV possible Yeah, I was gonna say the alcoholic volume on that's fucking crazy But dude

And there's nothing crazier, like, there is a really crazy feeling standing in that level of stink. Yeah. In the middle of summer. Yeah. Truly enjoying yourself. I know. True. I am standing in slop.

Like, it's nothing but a garbage dump for the entire building. Yeah. You're above, like, the writs or something like, or below the writs. So it was like a, it was literally like, I am standing in garbage, breathing in. pure uncut garbage. Don't care. And then that's when the cigarette

the cigarette tastes so good. My move. It's a break from the garbage store. Oh, God, I used to love fucking dipping out for a cigarette. Oh, dude, I remember fucking a super runner shop. I always go outside and go around the corner

and hide in this abandoned building doorway. And fucking, I love smoking cigarettes at that moment. When you get off the floor and you just go smoke a cigarette, your feet hurt. And you're just like, leaning against the wall and you're like god damn that last table made me almost lose my shit but dude and sneaking the beer out that's so good i couldn't do that because we were in midtown so i couldn't and where we smoked it was literally on third avenue but what i would do is my

favorite thing was around christmas it was always christmas parties and all these businesses were around so they would do their business party at dos caminos yeah or their christmas party and sometimes they do lunch christmas parties so they would have hand-past tacos hand-past horsergeers hand-hand pass drinks. So they would bring you a tray of drinks that you would just walk around and go like prickly a pair of margarita. Prickly a pair of margarita. Do you want that?

And you would let it get down to about three and you'd look at another waiter and go like that. You go, hutch six. And then you'd go to the hutch and there'd be three straws and you'd be like, I learned the fucking the two tiny straws, big straw in the middle. And I would just down an El Camino. I would just take that fucker till it was nothing but ice. And the level of like, geez.

Genius. What is it like Ocean's 12 or whatever? Is it dancing through the lasers and shit? Yeah. You really do feel like you're like, I pulled off a heist. But you could always tell because I became way more friendly by the end of the private party. I go, this is fucking Bill in accounting. This son of a bitch.

My favorite one that ever happened. And I've told the story before, but it was like the most red-handed I ever got caught, wasn't even drinking. There was this Christmas party for like a business. And it was like almost over. They were doing hand-pass desserts. and it was a night shift that I was working and I was like super hungry ready to get off I knew we were done

and we had this like chocolate cake and this treis leches cake and it was like just bites of it right so I walk around I do like three passes people eat a couple and I go all right I'm gonna go put this under the stairs there was a hutch right so I go down the stairs I go in the hutch and I slam like two chocolate

and one treas leche and I'm just like and I feel this tap and I'm like and this woman's like, sir, where's the restroom? And I'm like, and she's like, sir, where's the restroom? And I come out and just have cake

and I go, let's downstairs to the right? And she just goes, were you eating our desserts? Like that? And I was like, no. No? And then she didn't give me a problem. Okay, good.

But you, in that moment, you're like, I'm fucked. I don't like our desserts? Dude, they had a lot of that. They had a lot of that fucking energy. That would drive me up a fucking wall. Also, it was always funny to see which waiters were down with eating people's food

and who wasn't. I was so down. I go, which side did they eat off of? And then I'd just go to the other side and eat until it barely bumped up. And I know that's gross, but I didn't give a fuck. I was making $500 a week living in Queens. Yeah, you take any free meal. I took the staff food home a lot.

100%. Because when I was closing lunches, I would get done at 5 p.m. When the dinner shift was coming in. So I would basically hold the fort until dinner shift took over. I was like the only waiter. They'd put out staff meal. I would go get to go containers. fill up two of them, hide them in the dining room.

And then when I was done, I'd just go by the fucking table, grab it and go home. And I was like, I had dinner the next two nights. This is great. It was chicken and rice. It was something like simple, but I was like, I don't get a fuck. Anything that doesn't cost money. Yeah. Is, yeah.

But those fucking cigarettes and those sneak drinks. I was so good. I loved that shit. It was so good. I got caught drinking in the walking fridge once. But I got caught by my butt, my Mexican friend. That's the best It hurt my feelings

It hurt his feelings He was mad I think he was a little heartbroken He's like man I thought you were a good worker Is that really what it was? Yeah yeah yeah He opened the

It was like he opened the fridge And was like He'd go I'm sorry Papedo I don't know I don't want to talk to you Devastating He really was

Did you have to have a talk to him After about it? Yeah I was like my bad man I yeah I have a problem You use alcoholism to get out of a minor inconvenience I think I have a real fucking problem

I know it's a disease man There was this summer There used to be a comedy club down in the village down the street From the cellar called CBs Now it's like a JG Mellon or something But it was downstairs and it was great It was fucking great the lineups Our buddy Wayne booked it

And it was like fucking awesome It was like Big J every, you know, like Lewis, me, Bargettzi, Justin Silver. It was all our friends. Joe List, Mark Norman, Samarillo, everybody come out and do spots there. And Norman and I were there all night. This is like 2011. And we're getting fucking hammered.

And it is like 103 degrees out. And we're going outside. I'm smoking cigarettes. I was just sweating. And Norman's like, I don't know. It sucks. What do we do? And I was like, let's each get two beers and go into the walk-in cooler.

and just drink beers. And he was like, it's genius! And then we did it. And I bet Norman will tell you exactly the same thing. And we walked into the cooler and we're drinking it. And there was this gay black waiter that worked at the club and the restaurant that was connected.

And he was so cool to us. And it was that disappointment. Yeah. Everybody goes, what the fuck y'all doing? And we were like, and Norman was like, hey, it's hot out. He's like, there's raw food in here. You can't be doing that. And we were like, oh, it's a health code violation.

He's like, yeah. We thought we were geniuses. Yeah, it's like, are we not hooking it up enough? Yeah, that's exactly. What the fuck, man? He's like, you guys treat this place like a fucking clubhouse. Can you not be by the fucking uncooked meat right now? I do.

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And there's nothing more heartbreaking than when you've pushed the coolest dude to the absolute limit. Letting down someone that was super, where he goes, I took a chance on you guys. And you're like, I'm sorry. Disappointment is brutal. I still remember how hot it was, though. And those beers were, they were hitting. We got in there and started getting cold. Oh, dude, I would chill in there too.

Like, I, because you get hot. It was like one of those bars. It was basically turned into like a nightclub. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like it would be packed with like kids that were just out of college. It's also where I discovered like what Cologne is for. Oh.

Why? Because you stank like shit. It covers up farts. Oh. Dude, the whole, because I'd just constantly be carrying ice and beers through the whole crowd. Yeah. Back and moving through the crowd in a way that you never would just like hanging out. Yeah.

At a bar. Well, you have a little authority. You're also carrying something heavy. Yeah. And they're at your work. It's wall to wall farts. No way. Yeah, dude.

It's constant farting. And then I don't know. In my head, I was like, oh, that's why these guys are covered in Columbus. Yeah, they're just rip butt and not. They're just putting shit air out. that's all they're doing like it's not me yeah I'm sorry bro anyways

a six figure deal I worked out dude those guys man coming in like waiting on how old are you when you worked at the bar so they're like college kids

how old were you I was probably like 25 25 so you're like a little older than them but what's crazy is when you're in fuck range of someone yeah and you're and they come to your job

yeah when you're like whether you're a bartender or a waiter and it's like someone, you just go like, this sucks. I'm at a job that I don't like and you're living a good life and I hate you for it. Like being near them in age sucks asshole. Yeah. Although I like in my head, like because I quit a job to be, I quit a job like working in like finance to become a bar back.

So you're start doing stand up. You're finding yourself. And I and I had like kind of made this like decision where it's like, I'm. gonna be unfuckable. You're like I'm going to the dirt to grow. Yeah, I like, I think that's a difference because you chose to go to my, I was, I resented them because I had to do that. I was like, I moved here and I like, I would have loved to have work in an office,

but there were so many times that I was just straight up humiliated as a human being by guys my age or younger because they worked on Wall Street, not on Wall Street, but they worked in finance. And they would, that's why there was this moment where I was on billions for a couple seasons. And they were like asking me about the role. And I go, well, I just waited on these motherfuckers for five years. So I was just. Studied.

That was the most meta thing I could have done was study how they made me feel. His guerrillas in the mist. Yeah, dude. I was out there fucking Jane Goodall in it, dude. And it was. It was just like watching these guys just not acknowledge me. Or the one that always blows. So I'd work a double sometimes,

but you have to take a break in between your shifts. Yeah. But I would close lunch on a double. So the dinner shift would start, but then they would make me take like a half hour break, which go next door to Ashton's, grab a fucking, a giant beer,

a giant motherfucker blue moon, and a shot of whiskey, and then smoke a couple cigarettes and get back on the floor. And one time I get back on the floor and this cute little waitress comes up, And she's like, table 364 just got sad. It's a four top. I greeted them for you.

They are so nice. They got four double patron margaritas. They got a double guacamole. They're just like, they told me they're just going to be like fucking drinking all night. And I was like, uh-oh. And I got the margaritas. I showed up smell like beer and cigarettes. And I go, hey, guys.

And dude, these dudes were just like, what? Who the fuck are you? And I was like, they said, they go, where is, oh, they go, Oh, man, where's so-and-so? And I was like, well, you're my table. And they were like, I'm your son now. But I gave it to her. I gave her that table because I was like, this is useless.

I'm going to wait on these guys. They're going to resent me the whole time because I'm not a hot pussy. Go take the money. And by the way, she did the like bimbo thing later where she was like, they were super nice. And it's like, why do you think that? Yeah. Why do you think that? Yeah.

For no reason. Because you were a good waiter? Yeah. Fuck that out of here. Don't ever take one of my four tops again. Damn, dude. Yeah, I like, when I, the job I was working, the reason why I like, first of all, I wanted to do stand-up, but the job I was working was not like a cool job. Sure.

I was just filling out like accounts. Like I was literally filling out, like, people would, like, send in their information. I would like plug it in and like open an account for the company. And it was the first time, I was like, I had like legit panic attack because I was like, I'm back in elementary school. Oh, just doing worksheets. It was doing worksheets. Was that the moment that made you fucking kind of go like, oh, fuck. Yeah, that's why I was like, I quit.

I'll be a bar back. I'll do anything because it was like, you all of a sudden. How quit to that moment to quitting was there? I was there for like, I was there for maybe a year just a little bit longer. So you had the panic attack and then for like another year, it's like you being like. There was like a thing where I was like, I, it wasn't until like kind of like, because you have like the like, oh, I'm like, oh my God, I'm like a real person. You're an adult.

That lasts for like a couple months. And then you like learn the job. And then I got like good at it. Yeah. And then I was like, I'm good at this. I'm like doing better numbers than everyone. So then I started like showing up late. Like I would show up like 10 minutes late.

Damn, did you became a first round draft. Dude. You became a real problematic star of the team. Well, it's like all that matters is like the pile of work gets finished. That's it. And I was crushing numbers. gives a fuck when I show up. And then they were like pulling me in. They were like, you can't show up, like five minutes late. You can't show up five minutes late. You go, dude, I'm doing these worksheets. Yeah, and you can't

come back from lunch. Like, it's like, I literally have to be here at nine. I have recess. I have to be back at a certain time. And I cannot leave. And I was also working like outside of Philly. So, and like, I had the only friends I had were like, they'd go to like happy hour and stuff after work in the city. And then by the time I got back to the city, they were like, we're going home. Yeah, dude, it's nine. Yeah, yeah. And I was like, this, I can't do this, dude. I cannot do this.

What did you feel like when you quit that day when you were like, because you give up, I mean, you give up like security. Really? Pure joy. And I quit at like a stupid time. Like if I had stayed on for like another like month, I would have gotten like a like a like the year bonus or whatever. And I like, I remember like my manager being like, you should have just stayed. And I was like, I can't.

not. Yeah. I was like, I'm fucking gone. And at that moment, if you would have just known how much money you could save with Rocket Mortgage,

but it is that moment of leaving, because I got a job working for Guinness. So I was waiting tables and then I got a manager just for laughs. And then he got me

this job with Guinness. And Guinness was like, here's how much we're going to pay you. And I was like, oh, I can quit waiting tables. Yeah. And they were like, yeah.

And I was like, I was like, going to cry. I was like telling. And by the way, how I dreamed of quitting, you know, like all the times I'd listen to music on the train on the way there of me flipping tables, super kicking a manager in the chin. I was so nice. I was like, hey, I'm quitting.

This is my two weeks. And he was like, okay, okay, okay, that's great. Elias, my manager was like, okay, bro. Was it in your head a little bit? Like, I might be back here. Well, that's exactly. Dude, it's crazy Which I held on to

No joke for over seven years Yeah Of just being like, dude I might have to go back to dose Right And then I'd have dreams And have dreams where I'm like That you're back

Yeah and I don't know the section Or I don't know the menu And you're like dude it's lunch rush go And you're like Nah And I'd wake up like But that is like For anyone that wants to

Anyone that wants to make stuff Yeah a lot of us have to have shitty jobs. And I think that's why I was resented. That's why I personally resented rich kids. Because I was like, dude, you just get to try this. And there's no, there's a safety net. Yeah, yeah.

I had like, dude, I had months where I was like, yeah. I got to call my landlord to come up with a good one. And then like the moment where it started being like, all right, I'll be all right here. That's also why I didn't leave my apartment in Queens for fucking 10 years. Yeah. Because I was just like, dude, if I get, you know, if no one cares, I'm going to have to be right back here. I might as well not get adjusted to live in somewhere else. Yep.

Yeah, dude. I mean, yeah. I feel like, yeah, I feel like I might have to go back. 100%. By the way, Dos Caminos, 50th and third, not even a restaurant anymore. Or it's a restaurant. It got, the building got completely fucking, they changed the inside, they gutted it, turned into a new restaurant. I still fear having to go back to that location and put a fucking apron on.

Like, can I get you guys some grogamoly? Dude, I was, I was like, I was at, I was at a comedy club at Atlantic City this past weekend. Yeah. Like, maybe I can, like, move to Ireland and just be a bartender or something. So funny. It's also funny just because season three of tires just came out and it's like crushing. Everyone loves it. And you're like, I can move to Ireland.

I'll work as a sea shanty. Yeah. I'll work unloading ships. Yeah. Well, it's a flaw that any good thing that happens. I'm always like, it's a nice run. Yeah, that's for real. We got to see this.

I go, you know what? You got to see this. I could point to this at the end. Who got to see this? Not many people. Crazy. Is it over? That's great.

All right, cool. All right, sweet. Thanks, man. That's so funny. They come and they go, hey, guys, Dan's mom's here. Hey, guys, Dan's mom's outside. You guys, wait, hold on. Can you hold on?

I was making a real. We almost on this level. I was really like a good riff. Can we just versus Roof? Dude, it is. It's like, we're almost at the end of this level. Yeah. Dude, I remember playing Final Fantasy 7, and I had a friend's mom was, like, coming to pick up my buddy.

And we had just hit Calm Recollections. I don't know if you ever played Final. No. But it's like, it's a solid hour and 20 just like, like story. So you have to watch. Yeah, yeah. And you're like, I'm like, we're like just smashing trying to get through all. the story and it's just they're like what's going on down there and you're like no no no it's funny

it's like as an adult Katie will make dinner and it will like I'll be playing like a video game that's in a scene and I'll be like she'll be like hey dinner's ready and I go okay I can't pause right now and then she's like I'm in my 40s and she's like okay well I'm like sitting down to eat I go and I know that and when I can pause it I'll pause it I need to hear this one ear off my headphones dude I'll do that I do that in hell let loose yeah is that great It's so good, man. Vietnam just came out, right? Vietnam just came out.

I haven't had a chance to play it. Is that first person, though? It is first person, but it's team, dude. You work as a group. I know, you don't. Third person only. Are you still playing Arc Raiders? No, that shit got broke.

Arc Raiders, the cheating, and then you would like make this big load out, and you'd go in and they'd kill you and take your cool gun, and you're like, I don't really want to go back in. Because I'd go back in and I'd get ratted. Like, someone would be like, yeah, let's go kill this, you know, vaporizer. we'd kill the vaporizer and as we were going to loot it, they'd shoot me with like a shitty gun and you're like, fuck you, you, man. But

online game-wise, Halloween's coming out soon. Okay. I don't know if you know this. Shane will tell you, because when he moved to New York, I made him watch me play this game so much. But you know what's funny about it? After a while, he was like, no, dude, I actually,

if you play it without headphones, it's like very enjoyable to watch. Katie, when we first started dating. Wait, is this a game where like... You get hunted. Yes. Dawn, death by daylight was a version of it, but Friday the 13th was the first one. And Friday the 13th,

you'd either be the camp counselor or Jason. Yes. And you just, the whole point is to survive to get out of Camp Crystal Lake or to kill. So they lost it because of the rights. But the company made a new one.

Michael Myers, Halloween, comes out in September. Are you working with other people to hide and shit? See that, I love, dude,

that's where I won't get off a video. Like, if you get a good squad in hell let loose, if you get everyone, is like on the same page and knows what they're doing. It is the most fun fucking thing in the world. I'm pretty hyped to have Michael Myers to get good at it because what happens is it's fun to get good at being Michael Myers,

but then it's more fun to get good at being a counselor and being like he's about to kill somebody. Yeah. This is Friday the 13th. And you set up a bear trap. So he steps in it and you're like, fuck you. And then you're like on your prox chat like, homie, homie!

And you're like clicking your flashlight. I fucking love that. Oh, I'm hyped about it. So sick. I can't wait for Halloween. Yeah. All right. Thank you.

Do you have anything you want to plug or anything? Dan Soder.com. All my live dates. Hartford, Connecticut. Where else am I going soon? I'm going to be all over. Dan Soter.com. Sick.

Ed. Chris O'Connor. For a tour dates. Go to Patreon. com slash stuff filing. Look a dish. Whatever. Thank you, guys.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. I'm going to go show some girls in my pool.