Stuff Island - Dead guys tell no tales - Stuff Island #143 w/ Ehsan Ahmad

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

Dead guys tell no tales - Stuff Island #143 w/ Ehsan Ahmad Check out Ehsan’s podcast: https://www.youtube.com/@thesolidshow2024 Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Ehsan on IG: https://www.instagram.com/ehsanjahmad/?hl=en Check Out Squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you’re ready to launch, go to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Try Bluechew for FREE! with Promo Code: STUFFISLAND. Just pay $5 for shipping. Bluechew.com  Head over to Moonwlkr.com and save a massive 30% your entire order with promo code: STUFFISLAND Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Give me that pig. I know, it's big. It's so nice to have in your hands. Yeah, right? Is that an official size? It says it, but it says literally official size, but it's not. How do you know it's not? Because I can't get my fucking...

Official size is actually a range. I can't get my deer hooves around official size, I think. I always thought a college ball was a little bit bigger. Like, wider. Shorter, but wider. I think it's something like that, I think. I always thought a college ball was a little bit bigger. Like, wider. Shorter, but wider. I think it's something like that. I think it's smaller. I can't wait to get fucking lambasted by fans

who know all the sizing requirements. We have done this on the podcast before, is looked up the sizes of footballs. Well, what did we come up with? Was I there? I don't remember. We'll have to do it again. Because everything on the podcast is like, I don't know, we definitely did that. This is why you got sober for us, dude, so you't remember. I'll have to do it again. Because everything on the podcast is like, I don't know.

We definitely did it. This is why you got sober for us, dude. So you can remember exactly when we did shit. I'm not doing much better. Really? It's still, yeah. When did you get sober? I'm not sober.

I'm just like drinking less. Don't minimize the fucking power you've reigned over your family and friends. Let me tell you something, dude. No, no. Comparatively, he's sober as fuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy has like a shot and a beer after four shows. That's ridiculous.

That's sober as hell, dude. That's like some dude going, like he was a huge heroin addict stealing jewelry out of his mom's fucking purse and then going, I just like a edible now and then. That's sober. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. was a concert. I got my hair cut. That doesn't count. Like a special event. I fit it for a suit. You get sober, you fucking idiot. It was nighttime.

What are you talking about? Yeah, once a week. Dude, that's the goal. I told you, the puppy. I just got a new puppy. Talk about it now. legal ramifications are gone yeah but she's she's cleaning me up you know yeah exhausting really yeah making you a better man my girl made me a better man first but but i still like got back on that horse i was riding that stallion back down the booze beach yeah yeah

but uh the dog's different cause she wakes up at like 4, 5, 6 sometimes yeah and then I take shifts with her

so I'll get up at like 9 which is 4 o'clock in the morning for me typically right it's fucking nuts 9 o'clock if you're a comic

9 o'clock is like insane insane that's a choice that you made you never would choose that on the weekend? Yeah. Yeah, but an 1140 spot at the mothership, it's like, I'm not getting

home till 2. That is the thing with the dog that's huge. Because as much as your girl can be like trying to push you to clean up, you can always be like, she doesn't fucking understand what I'm doing. You know what I mean? But the dog, you're like, yeah, of course it doesn't understand.

I need to wake up. I'm tired of mopping piss off doing. You know what I mean? But the dog, you're like, yeah, of course it doesn't understand. I need to wake up. I'm tired of mopping piss off the floor, dude. It's the only thing that can piss and shit in your house and it's your fault. Yeah, I fucked up for drinking too much and it wasn't my piss and shit. It's the first time it wasn't

it was something completely sober that was doing it too good boy maybe it wasn't me this time she's taking stool samples to see who's shitting in the kitchen no it's been great it's been great outside of like shifting of hours slowing down the booze you know one drink every hour two hours you know i mean i've been like i go i got i i got rid of all the hard booze so i'm drinking like ciders okay oh the sugar the east side ciders yeah i mean my tits aren't doing great my liver's doing a little well you know well what was the i need to drink less moment or it's just like just like looking at your life like, okay.

I don't know. I'm fucking. T-Ball? This has been years. I don't know. I think you just eventually get bored. That's a good point. Of being yourself.

You know what I mean? You're like, I got to change this story. I can't watch this anymore. You know what I mean? It's literally like a season that's just no characters are changing. Yeah. There's no story. It's just drunk all the time.

The thoughts are the same. You're just like, I got to. I tried to say this before about how much fun we've been having. Just in general. Just access to doing fun shit. And it starts to like, it doesn't get normalized, but it like it lessens the excitement, you know? Like if you're doing cool shit consistently, you just go,

oh yeah, that's just a regular thing. And you have to think back going, dude, that was what you would have done to do that five years ago. Yeah. You'd be out of your fucking skull. Yeah. It's very much, a lot of times i have to like sit down and remember like oh yeah i'm doing things that most people would fucking dude love to do and i'm and i'm like and i'm like shitty about it

sometimes i'm like i gotta get up early to go to this fucking yacht to the lake exactly yeah well that's what it're flying back from doing a weekend at the best club in the country and you're like, my flight's at a shitty time. I gotta do a podcast holding a football, talking to my friends. For what? And that's how you make a living.

Yeah, you make a living by talking to your friends. If you do the booze so consistently, you don't... by talking to your friends. That's a fucking lucky. If you do the booze so consistently, you don't, like I used to love the feeling of like, all right, remember in like high school or college for most people, but like Thursday comes and you're like Thursday, Friday, Saturday, let's drink. We're hanging out. We're doing all that shit. Yeah. And then you get to college and it's like, all right, well, it's kind of every day, but you still have shit to do.

And then you get older. And if you're doing it every day, you're like, that beer doesn't hit right. The beer hits like a hot dog that you don't want to eat. You're just like, another one? Fine. Makes you feel good. I guess I'm full, but like I kind of feel shitty now.

Interesting. I don't know why I said that. That's the first beer. Yeah, the first beer. Second beer. Second beer. Second beer. Third beer, you're back on that yacht that's the problem the first beer you go i can't believe i'm drinking again beer two you're like we did yeah then you get the beer 10 you're texting old ex-girlfriends you're like that was the worst hot dog ever had yeah no i see i've just been a stoner my whole time i've not

really been a drinker. But it still kind of works the same where it's like, well, I don't want to be numb for this experience. And then you take that first hit and you're like, well, what am I going to stop getting high now? Now that the door's open, you just got to keep going. Yeah. It is nice.

I love the ritual of it. See, I don't like rolling things up. Oh, really? No, no, no. I just found out that Chris was a pothead for years yeah you just found out yes this is what he does he tells me the most important imperative things about his personality way late in our relationship okay you're the man in the relationship you're the woman in the relationship

100% A dude I fly off the handle emotionally. I'm distraught about the most mundane shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring up a lot of old shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, look, you finally fixed that mirror, didn't you? Because I can't just be like, why don't you call me?

Why haven't you been texting me like you used to? Yeah, I'm definitely the bitch of this relationship. You never went through a weed phase? No, I smoked here and there. I would like to learn how to do it. Well, it's not hard. No, dude. That's a skill.

Just roll over to the other side of the bed. Guys. All right, let me get the upper fucking hill here. That's like me going, look, it's not hard to finish a bottle of whiskey. People were like, that's crazy. Weed, every strain of weed is different for every person. Right. And the way I'm made up, it's like sometimes edibles for some reason, which are the scariest for some people.

Oh, edibles are the scariest in general. That's not the case for me for some reason. Really? Yeah. But I'm talking 5, 10 milligrams. Like, that's baby shit, right? Yeah, but still, like, if you don't, like, so these, I see this a lot at the clubs. And two people at shows I was at this week had seizures in the room.

Wait, what? From edibles? I know one was from edibles. Where, at the Mothership? One at Mothership, one at Comedy on State. Holy shit. That's the second time I've heard, no, that's actually the third time in the last year I've heard of someone

having seizures on edibles. And it's because people don't know, who don't smoke and take a lot of edibles, think that, like, oh, it's just food, so it'll be better. But they're so strong, and then i think they just get caught in this like paranoia intense loop that you can get caught in if you don't know what you're doing yeah and then they just their body sort of freaks out well it's also like i imagine because i've done this before the loop where it's like with drinking and smoking you feel something and then you know what's coming right so like you get to like beer

three but you're four you feel you're pretty decent you know what five and six is gonna do right you get excited right do you guys still get hard when you drink three or four beers but with with edibles it's just whether it's mushrooms i've done this with mushrooms where you start feeling where you want to be, but it's like, that's not where you're going to be. Yeah. And then you just go, boom, here's another.

And then where you're going to be is coming, but where you're going to be after that is like fucking three hours away. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good,

that's my, it's the one thing I tell people who like try to, are like, are interested in smoking for the first time is like actually smoke it. Don't do edibles.

Cause you're right. It is like, it would be like taking six beers all at once, but it doesn't hit you until 30 minutes later. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why I like the spliff. The spliff to me. The spliff is perfect. That's what my girl smokes. Because you get the tobacco rush, which kind of gets you off the ground so when the boosters hit, you're in, you're

in good shape. It's not you don't just get like just fucking yanked into fucking a hot... And the weed lands the plane when the engines blow out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It turns into a nice glider. Yeah, dude, I loved I would get fucking...

That's so funny. It's so not your personality. Oh, dude, I used to... That tobacco, like Amsterdam shag or Bally shag, that like fluffy, it tastes so fucking good. Why'd you stop doing it? Because it seems like it'd be good for you. I just... I got in the paranoid loop.

I couldn't get out of the loop. Because you smoked too much? I don't know. I think it just became a thing where like I would get... I was just never that like... I wasn't high functioning I think it just became a thing where like I would get, uh, I was just never that, like I wasn't high functioning on it. You know,

I, I just wasn't. Yeah. It's just like all the bills of Congress. You're right now. Dude, I was, it was, honestly,

it's the same thing with drinking where it's like, there is that dream of always like you're doing it and you're doing other stuff like I had a buddy who would just like he learned to code

he would just get high and just teach himself how to code he would just like build websites and shit and it was like and answer emails and just like

crush yeah and it's just like dude I don't that's genetic though this is what I started the conversation with like you never know how it's gonna hit yeah weed is added just like dude i don't that's genetic though that's what this is what i started the conversation with like you never know how it's gonna hit yeah weed is added to like best for you

when you're like you can sit down and do mundane tasks and then if you can do that and function through it then it's for you i would say yeah like i'm i'm very much like that i could just sit down and like all right i need to work take a hit and just go really yeah yeah yeah yeah i'm super super high functioning yeah i feel like there is I'm that way with weed and probably autism. If I had to guess if I had to guess what's going on with me I wouldn't even come up with that yourself.

Like a true artist. High functioning stoner and autist if I had to guess. Damn. Signs are there. I wish. Do you ever get stuck in the paranoid loop? Yeah, that's when I know I need to like Back off a little bit

And not like smoke When I wake up And sort of shit like that Yeah Yeah Do you smoke before shows I smoke all the time Yeah

Yeah I smoke I'm high now Yeah Yeah That's why you're like See I feel like Yeah It chills me out

I'm very We talk about genetics I look at my mom Who's like a complete Sober person And she always worries. She's always like, she's super anxious. I'm that way.

So I think that sort of definitely calms me down. I had a buddy who said that to me once that like, because I was describing how I felt on weed, like the freak out paranoia. And he's like, that's how I am normally. Yeah. And I smoke and then I'm chill. And it's like, well, I guess if that works for you. This is the conundrum that homeless people have. It's like they're schizophrenic and shit

and they'll do drugs that make them normal. Like they'll smoke meth and fucking do coke and shit. Look guys, I've done the research. This is not up for debate. They do it to keep themselves normal. She sells her pussy and asshole to make herself feel normal. Normal me is standing like this. This is my normal posture.

Dude, I saw a hot homeless chick today. That sounds like an oxymoron. If you're a hot homeless chick, you're doing something wrong, right? Well, before the light turned green my girl and i had a conversation i was like look at this girl she's pretty she's objectively pretty decent body she's moving at a decent pace she has like a hipster haircut and i was like get up sorry but like get on a pole or something you know like she's decent yeah there's some there's some there's some guy out there willing to yeah something out there so then you start going all right well is that the point where you're going

door to door you know yeah holding a sign going i need help and then how many pigs are you getting a day going get in the truck give you 100 bucks yeah i mean yeah i don't know i don't know but then we got to the red light i I don't think that, yeah. And I know, I know. That's not sustainable. Baby, we're throwing fucking theories at the wall. Women have it pretty easy, but they do need to shower. Yes, that was, and then she started talking to herself at the ground.

Ah, there it is. So she's clearly gone. Yeah. You know, which is crazy because she, it so rare you see visually that they're not and either their family or friends are just like I can't do this anymore, dude Yeah, you're fucking yeah, it's just it's over. It's over There's nothing we can do and we're not rich enough to stash you in a whole hospital somewhere Yeah, so you're just on the street and you could imagine how bad it is if yes a hot lady on the street It's like you must be a new levels of insufferable.

Yeah, you must be like, oh, she's going to kill me level of like, I can't be around this. You're dodging microwaves in a good conversation. Yeah. If you took vaginas away from women, the homeless population would explode. Absolutely explode. Dude, if there was just a race of vaginalist women explode absolutely

explode if there was just a race of vaginalist women they would all be on with you you know like Polynesians and those island people are all like NFL fucking line just in the streets nobody listening to them just talking into a void

yeah yeah yeah I don't have a dollar you fucking clothes pussy Just in the streets nobody listen to them talking into a void Dollar you fucking close That was the next virus I'll tell you what everyone would lock the fuck down. Everybody would be wearing masks. Everything. If we had a species that had to piss and shit out their mouth and had no asshole or pussy. Terrible. I guess someone would get

into that. Somebody would. Somebody's probably already into that. Somebody would walk out like, finally. Finally. I never thought this would happen. God does exist i've never been so horny good god how do you guys feel about feet glad they're there but i'm not paying them any special i'm so indifferent you're so indifferent oh fuck and i'm so glad i don't you know i i've i've never given a shit really yeah and then the other day i was going down on a nice lady yeah and it just so happened that like her feet were

around so i just sort of pushed them around my dick, my explosive member. I was a Muslim man, and she started stroking it, and I was like, this is awesome. Really? With her feet?

With the feet. While I'm eating her out, that shit was fire. I was not expecting that. That's, yeah. That, to me, that would be incredible because it's like an athletic move that you're

impressed by yeah you know what i mean like if you're eating someone out and they start doing something with your feet that's turning you on you're like this is it's like watching someone do a backflip you're like yeah yeah i guess that i guess the sort of the motion of every like there's multiple things happening at once yeah yeah i think that's pretty cool but yeah i just i didn't expect myself to be If it becomes a thing, then you're fucked. If it becomes the only way I can enjoy it, then it's like a whole thing. That's my biggest fear.

But seeing something acrobatic like that, it's like as a kid you see an old man pretend to take his nose off, and you're like, what the fuck? He just split his thumb. You're like, wow! As an adult, it's hard to get to that experience again. But also like acrobatic sex like that, the way you're describing it.

Can you can you be a little more descriptive? I mean, it's not terribly acrobatic. How are you eating her out? And she's jerking you off with. So like I'm we're on the bed. She's on a pillow, sort of slanted up. And I'm eating her out. Her legs are around me.

And then I just sort of push him. So she's her legs. I'm you're not the ass in the around me and then I just sort of push him. So she's, her legs, I'm, Oh, you're 6'9". You're eating pussy ass in the air? Your ass is in the air? Not my ass. Well, it's not, it doesn't have to be that up in the air,

but yeah, it has to be up in the air. I don't even think about it. It has to be up in the air a little bit. You're beating off with her, oh, are you going, that's the only acceptable ass in the air situation.

Yeah, you're going over the legs beating you off. Yes. Okay, okay, you're doing the arch. Yes, she's like ribbiting, rabbit footing like this. Oh, let's go. Yeah, it's in the Kama Sutra. Yes. Okay, okay. You're doing the arch. Yes, and she's like ribbiting, rabbit footing

like this. Oh, let's go. It's in the Kama Sutra. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're just naturally Indians. Second edition though, dude. I haven't seen this one.

I think Indians are naturally sex autists. Yeah, you guys are. Yeah, we're like, I guess this situation could work. Your God's got like 12 arms andists. Yeah, you guys are. Yeah, we're like, I guess this situation could work. Your God's got like 12 arms and shit. Yeah, oh my God, what you could do with that? What you could do with that?

Switch the hands and feet, we're good. Like six arms and an elephant trunk? That's crazy sex. Yeah, the hand jobs are out of control. Want to elevate your lifestyle? We're talking about Moonwalker, the endless emporium for premium THC-infused gummies,

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beautiful feet that they're gonna if they give a shit about looking good fashion over function you know what i mean that's the girl I'm into. Okay. Smash those little fucking digits up. Getting that heel on me, even if we're walking around five miles. No, no. You can't be wearing a kitten heel or a comfy sneak. Get the fuck out of here. Look hot as hell and smash them up.

Damn, that's very like a Chinese of you. You know how they did like the foot binding? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh. All my ladies have this. Now, I like, yeah. There's probably a lot of reasons I can't, I'm not a huge fan of high heels,

but I just don't like seeing someone uncomfortable. It's like, put some comfy sneakers on. The point is, when you're walking somewhere, if you do it often enough, they learn how to walk. It's like a fucking runway type shit. Every woman should be able to walk in heels, right? Yeah.

It's just normal life. This is not misogynistic. Learn how to walk in heels because when that day comes, you don't look fucking ridiculous wearing kiddie heels. You know what kiddie heels are? What, the little like a little little little wedge a little wedge a little wedge yeah when you see a a younger girl at a wedding wearing a wedge heel yeah she's a a sports dyke have you ever put on have you ever put on high heels huh have you ever

i fucking have yes i have a video yeah it's it's like when you start walking around and then you're like this is kind of terrifying yeah yeah but'd seen it on Sex in the City or something someone didn't know how to walk in high heels yeah I was like oh so there's a skill involved yeah no oh fuck dude but it's like it's almost like throwing football right as a kid you see an old person try and throw a football? Yeah. Or anything. It's like, dude,

you should have been doing that as a kid. Yeah. I feel like girls should know how to walk in heels by the time they're in high school. But it is a precarious walk. 100%. You're supposed to be going like, you're almost supposed to be putting feet like this.

Yeah. You can't have this kind of walk. All right, men have precarious walks, like dodging a draft or a middle linebacker going 40 miles an hour yeah but that's a special situation that's not going to dinner yeah you're saying you're saying you're saying so i should stop wearing my my football helmet you're saying every checking it in with the coach You're saying every Every woman has to wear high heels Every man doesn't have to

Catch a pass over the middle You know what I mean That's a Guys the football does Different things to you Just touching the big skin Yeah have you ever seen a woman Like run in heels

And be like damn That's impressive That's impressive Where they look like It's not even It's not even a thing It's second nature to them You're like god damn I will will take it back that yes it is

precarious situation it's very difficult it does require balance core strength and you know a considerable amount of je ne sais quoi je ne sais quoi my last girlfriend and confidence right but that's the point that's what's sexy about it of course yeah that's why it's not sexy i'm just trying to make your legs look good there's a lot of things that are sexy about high heels yeah and you're you're walking with purpose and you just should no one's meandering in high heels it's not a meander shoe they meander around typically a cheese board she's fat okay there we go The sneaker girls. The kitten heels. They meander around typically a cheese board.

She's fat. Okay, there we go. And the wedge in the wedge shoes. Helps them reach the deeper pieces. She goes for the soft pretzels after the wedding. Yeah, but, you know, I don't know how I got here, but, yeah, there's something so sexy about a woman that just can fucking own a heel, even when they're doing something that's a little more...

aggressive. But then if the cost is an absolutely butchered foot, it's not worth it. My point is... You know, if you get to be an old lady, you got, like, bunions and all kinds of weird toe surgeries you need to have because your big toe's all fucked. Yeah. It's like, dude, save me the money.

Put on a sneaker. And have nice feet. Yeah. And you can possibly jerk me off with them. That is grinder feet that you'd have to get beat off by. The woman I'm speaking of. You've got to have some nice socks and a comfy shoe to get a foot soft enough to jack someone off with it. Dude, I can make him come with my feet in seconds.

How soft is the underside of your foot? It's baby skin. The top is baby skin, too. Really? That's easy. My feet are 20-year-old vagina. Don't you run and stuff? Yeah, but I sweat profusely.

My anxiety runs through my feet and my hands. Do you take a scrub? Do you scrub down there? No, I don't do any exfoliation. I don't wear work boots. I don't do shit. Yeah, I know, but you wear boots and you run. I do, and it fucking...

Dude, look what it did to my heel the last time I wore boots. It's still healing. Yeah. It takes like two inches off my skin did to my heel the last time I wore boots. It's still healing. Yeah. It takes like two inches off my skin. Yeah, yeah. I can't wear boots. Really? Damn, you do have dainty feet.

Baby feet. That's crazy. Yeah. Now I'm not interested. Yeah, I didn't, again, it's a new me, so. It's a new strain of weed, bro. What were the toes doing? Was it straight, like a curve?

Straight down? Yeah, I didn't really feel the toes. It sort of felt like the toes were sort of meeting above, possibly. There wasn't any toe play. It wasn't a finger toe situation. She definitely used the toes to... On your balls? Yep.

There you go. You got there. You piglet. How'd you know that? He's picturing it, and he was like, if I was in that situation, that's what I would have wanted. No, it made me laugh thinking about someone curling their toes under someone's balls. That's insane.

These types of sexual magic tricks take you out of the actual sex for the other person though. Like when you're doing some wild shit to make somebody else feel good yeah you're not really feeling good but part of feeling good is making other people feel good yeah right that's that that's the best cut that when someone else is feeling good i don't feel so good oh man look i'm slowing down my drink. My feelings are confused. That's generally when... Immediately jealous?

Oh, fuck. Oh, you're enjoying this? But that's generally when... Curl on her puss. I find that's when you're having the best sex. It's like when you can get out of your head and make her feel good. And then it'll come back to you on the other way around. But if you cannot think about you and the other person, you can take it to another level.

I think more so I meant like when I think I'm doing something acrobatic or interesting. Yeah. And like, you know, you start to get that like cramp or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because you're doing some wild position. Yeah, of course. And she probably doesn't enjoy it as much as you think. You're just like showing off this new trick that's not even a thing.

Yeah. You're hitting the wrong spot they don't care yeah and it's like how many times guys probably do that that's a shitty feeling

including myself yeah oh no yeah that's definitely like wasteful energy yeah just going look at this fucking move

I got yeah so no I keep it between the tackles student body left student body right running right CT yeah every time right down the dick dude Student body left, student body right. Running right. CT.

Every time. Right down the dick, dude. Hand it off to the fullback. No sweeps, just dives. No flea flickers. Hard-nosed 1940s football. Five-yard slant. Wing-back T-4. Old school 1950s football. Five yards slant. Wingback T-40.

Old school 1950s football. Three yards in a cloud of dust. Exactly. There's no... Yeah, there's nothing that takes me out of it like trying to do something. It is embarrassing.

You got a great joke about that. I always throw passes. I always... I'll try some shit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it is embarrassing. I mean, you got a great joke about that. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, see, I always throw passes. I always, I'll try some shit. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. And the stuff that works is like really good because they're like, well, I just sort of thought of this on the fly and it worked. And I know you've never done something like that.

You're improv-ing in there? Yeah, yeah. You got to go see. When you're like 5'5 and like have the hairline that I have and you've always been that You gotta You gotta like Impress women a little bit

You don't get You don't get the natural Approval that like a taller Or more handsome man will get So you have to fucking let them know Like hey this is what it is I've developed moves over the years But like So you have to fucking yeah, let them know like hey, this is what this is what it is moves over the years, but like

There is a thing we did like I don't know there's like when you're in a relationship for long enough you start going like All my bits are hack. Yeah. Well, yeah, that's also hack. I said this last Saturday. I'm a single man, so it's like a relationship is a whole different game. Yeah, yeah. When you're a single guy, it's like, oh, okay. We're going to a new comedy club every night. Yay! My best friend.

Yeah, the others, yeah. It's hard, because you can't keep, I don't know. Do you think this foot thing is going to fuck you up? It's definitely something that I'm going to try to make happen again. So possibly, yeah. Really? Yeah, it was a lot. But it's like, I'm not very much like.

How good would a foot have to be for you to take it over a good ass or tits? Oh, no, no, no. I don't think I could ever. I don't think it'll ever dethrone the Kings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a, yeah, it's an accoutrement. Yeah, no, no. I don't think I could ever. I don't think it'll ever dethrone the kings. Yeah, yeah. It's just a, yeah, it's an accoutrement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You bring your name up one more fucking time. All things equal, I'll take

the better feet. Right, yeah. But like, oh man, I totally had a thing I was going to say. I totally forgot it. Oh, no, no. But oh, this is what I was going to say. Like, is this something i'm gonna i'd want to happen again absolutely is it something i'm gonna be like oh i want to make it happen again it's like it's it's sort of uh in the course of the thing if it comes up if the right the right

play if it's the right play at the right time sure it's it's a play it's you know it's like four verticals it's in the playbook now it's a difficult but it's something she was doing like were you paying close enough attention to coach someone up? No, it's just that her feet were near there, and I moved them onto my dick, and she was like, I like this. And she kept going with it. So she didn't use her feet to, like, push your hips up and then start... No, no, no.

She didn't take control like that. She didn't guide it. No, she didn't guide it like that. No, no, no. But I put her in that situation, and she was like, okay, it's like a dance. I step this way. She was like, oh, I like this step. Okay.

That sort of situation. But if she didn't respond, I would have been like, well, I'm not going to push this. So you did a two-hand? Mm-hmm. So you're just leaning on your face in her pussy while you're moving? That's crazy. Ass in the air. We can't forget that.

Well, you have to move the ass in the air. Yeah. That's crazy. Ass in the air. We can't forget that. You have to move the ass in the air. The ass didn't start in the air. That was my natural position. And then I was like, well, might as well do something while I'm in the air. We are getting into like, so where did you put your knee when you... Because we all know there's a

dramatic temperature change when your ass is in the air. It's fucking Toronto back there. Your asshole's got a glacier on the tip, dude. It's like getting an ice bath, dude. Every time I see a fat guy with like half his crack hanging out, I get fucking nuts. Yeah, you can't feel that? Yeah, how do you not feel?

That should shock the hell out of you. It probably feels good and they're like, nobody's noticing. Because they're trying to get rid of some of their temperature. Yeah. You just got to vent the heat. Yeah. Taking your socks off. Yeah.

Not wearing a snow hat. You're a beast. You're like, you know what? I'm going to air it out for a little while. I'm going to take these fucking Banana Republic khakis down three inches. And take 20 degrees off my internal tab. They're like lizards? Yeah.

Big dudes would probably love to have their ass cool. Yeah. It's also such a power play. Just sitting on a fucking barstool. Yeah, just not giving a shit. Not giving a fuck. That is, yeah, something nice to being like a little older and not giving a shit about things. Yeah. Yeah. There's gotta be, have got to be into it.

Some ladies do. Oh, my God. They have to. You think so? Everyone's into everything. There's got to be someone who's like, that's the crack of that. If there was something like that

that ladies universally hated, no guy would ever do it. So if ladies, bar none, they were like, man, we hate it hate it hate it when that happens we would make sure it stopped yeah every everything to some extent yes the most yeah everything dudes do really is trying to get laid yeah yeah yeah you know like we heavily motivated heavily motivated yeah always peacocking i mean i get the the idea of like

i don't know most of my jesus time but like there's like a there's a huge part of my sexuality and like what turns me on is normalcy like a normal lumpy broad you know like someone that's regular we talked about this before on the pod where it's like that's the porn i like where it looks like that's a girl you took home from fucking irish pub in college you know like amateur porn where you're like that's attainable yeah you know it's like i get scared going on his balcony i get scared. If I was on like 10 feet, 20 feet balcony, let alone 26, I'd have an easier time jumping out of an airplane, skydiving. Because the reference there, you don't feel.

My point is, when you watch porn where they're like flawless women, it's not real to me because I can't sense the reality. Whereas if I see regular women, i have a backlog of me to understand like oh that's a fucking that's a that's a that's a megan yeah from finn mccool's you know what i mean that's a fucking right right i kind of see how this happened how it got there yeah yeah i pulled the dead from barnabies or a fucking, you know what I mean? Like I remember some, some sea creature I took home. It just triggers your, you know, your past. I thought you meant normalcy like a, they're on like a normal schedule.

You got to drink more, man. I like a lady on a good schedule. Oh my God. That's the worst. I like a normal schedule, like a nine to five, like that normal, like societal normal or just like a regular everyday? No, I don't like a 9 to 5. Because 9 to 5 with our jobs are tough.

Yeah, yeah. She's going to hate you immediately. Yeah. It's honestly the hottest thing is no 9 to 5, but a routine. Routine. Someone who's just bopping around doing stuff. Focused. And is busy and is like getting shit done, but like is free.

Yeah. Right, right. Right, right. Right. Good luck. Listen to this guy. Drawing up fictional characters. Paint by number. He's a fucking porn book.

They don't have a job but they make tons of money. They run in heels. They're always available for me They love football And beat me off with their feet Yeah No there is obviously something sexy about that

Well a routine is like someone you can date You can be with a routine Someone who has their life together a little bit Doesn't need you to come and like Yeah The more I've met like higher level comics comics that are like have done have been doing this for a while and they're successful their spouses that i've met are are of that elk like we're ilk where it's like yeah they're they're independent they're smart

they're charming but they just get it that this guy has his characteristics he has his flaws but like i'm gonna let you know his planetary fucking friends fly around his universe yeah but i'll just still be focused on what i need to do yeah and it's very hard to find that because of the mayhem that we live yeah like i'm not being a fucking dildo about this, but it takes a strong independent woman to put up with the bullshit. The bullshit and the fact that we're gone all the

time. All the time. The last two weeks, I was in Austin for one day. You know what I mean? Being in a relationship, that's tough. It takes someone who would have to understand that. The reason why I'm doing that. I'm not going around fucking off.

I'm working. I'm actually working. And in the days I'm not working, I'm traveling, which sucks ass. Yeah. Yeah. Something that most people don't get is how much... It sucks to complain about it because it's such a nice problem to have. But flying all the time just kills you. That's the thing about women is they force you to complain about it because it's such a nice problem to have, but flying all the time just kills you.

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Yeah. And they're like, doesn't look like it. And I was like, because it's not really. Yeah. Yeah. And it's telling jokes. But I do it? And I was like, because it's not really. It is fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's telling jokes. But I had to work to get it. I just bought a thousand dollar

ticket to Philly. It wasn't always fun all the time. Because we got to go with Shane to a fucking box to watch the Phillies game. Baby, I'm fucking invested for us.

That's work. Yeah, I think it's almost like the amount of like shitty open mics yeah time that we put in yeah kind of like gets rewarded on the back end with this sort of stuff because like of course open mics are so brutal i i used to tell i used to tell my friends like in when i was in college like what the open mics were like and one day i threw up on the way to an open mic just like walking to a bike

I threw up on the ground just for whatever reason and the open mic was still a worse experience. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Also fun Well, there's a couple there's no they all were fun. We had the Raven and helium There's a little while they were even the bad ones were really fun. The hang. There's a fun in like, because you're going through the shit with a group of friends. Yeah, but finding the hang in a cesspool of autistic fucking psychopaths. Well, I mean, Apple doesn't fall far.

Yeah, but I'm saying less talented. Maybe that's how it felt for you. My people! My zippered, pissy, pussy man! Yeah, dude. If it weren't for autistic psychopaths, where would my friends be? I get that. But look, you've got to find the NFL psychopaths.

The people that made it to the league. Not the fucking bebopping around fucking high schoolers. I mean, I guess you do. You grow out of it maybe. Hopefully you grow out of it a little bit. But like, it was so fun. It was so fun. Yeah, there were parts I really... The first couple years where you just can't even believe that you're doing that.

Yeah. Yeah. It was fun. And there's no idea of what a career is. So you're just like really just doing that. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun. And there's no like, there's no like idea of what a career is. There's no, so you're just like really just doing it.

Happy to be there. Just living, just living life at the very, yeah. Yeah, yeah. There's no plan. Yeah.

It's just, dude, Ryan Donahue at the end of our tour. Yeah. We had the same conversation about like telling your girl,

calling your girl, being like, baby baby this is work like yeah yeah she's like well you i got an argument with my girl saying like you can't like you got to call me you gotta you can't disappear you can't so i was wrong i was doing all the wrong things not logging in and shit yeah but like i'm not you got it you got it you do have to log in you gotta make that company feel like you're on the mouse. Dude, my computer screen was on sleep. She had an important meeting and I was on sleep.

You gonna join the Zoom? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Tom. Tom? Tom, yeah, yeah. Hey, Tom. Tom? Tom, you there? No, but we eventually switched our own bullshit to stop lying to each other. Yeah.

And it just became, baby, we're boos. Like, just to say the exact opposite and, like, complete truth. Baby, what did I tell you? We're boos. Yeah. That's what we're doing. Oh, dude.

How'd that go over? Ah, there it is. but to his point that's that's good it's so nice the first time yo i'm drinking with the boys yeah they go you know what we're doing this honesty thing thank you it's good i'm glad you told me the next six times you're like, I'm drinking. Again? Baby, I just got on a podcast. I just got on a podcast that I wouldn't have gotten to if I didn't come to this party. Bosses are going to meet him. He's from Barstool.

You can't just walk in Barstool. They get it. They're never happy about it, but they get it. Deep down, they get it. Deep down, I think my girl gets it. She just refuses to understand that. Well, you get it too and also refuse to understand. One million percent.

It's mostly me. I refuse to understand. That's why you get a dog. Sometimes it's by design. You get a dog. Next step is getting a baby. She's already saved my life in many ways. Dog's going to get a dog. Sometimes it's by design. Yeah. You get a dog, next step is getting a baby. She's already saved my life in many ways. Dog's going to save my life.

Baby's going to save it. You're going to log in and get a baby? Yeah. I'll stay, look, I'll stay logged in more than the others. It goes baby, girl, dog.

The dog. The dog is the best. Man, you can't wait For you to meet her tomorrow Mario sent me The cutest fucking video Yeah His dog

His dog He was watching TV And the dog Just had his hand On his shoulders And was Oh man Like right here

Oh man Standing straight up Just hiding his ears Your heart melting Oh my god She's the biggest lover It's I've

I've had loving dogs But but this dog, man. It's like the endorphin release. Right. I told Chris. I texted him. I was like, yo, because it came out of nowhere because we just went to go adopt. And I knew the adoption process is like, you never know. You might just show up with a puppy.

You never know what the fuck's going to happen. We went to see this dog from a foster family and they were actually like a good family it was just fostering to for the next person to adopt which i didn't think was a thing yeah i mean how you gonna foster a dog if the dog's what you want if it's a good dog yeah you're gonna adopt it right so then i'm like my guard's up but apparently this family just takes in puppies her and her brother were there they were adorable and sweet and i was like oh shit this is it i knew immediately all right we looked at another dog before that i saw this dog and i was like that's the one she's the one and then within 24 hours we took her home i texted chris and chris is like dude you have no idea how happy you're going to be for the rest of your life.

And just like the mundane bullshit to go back to like the life, the road life and stuff. But like just seeing her every day, waking up to her. Ours are terrible as a puppy, but like. It's like a baby. Yeah. Yeah. It's truly a baby. Yeah.

But it is like you come home and there's something that like unconditionally loves you. Oh my God. There's no. She doesn't care if you're drinking with your friends. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't care. She doesn't care at all.

Yeah, she's a bunch of... She's happy you're home. Yeah. I don't have to be like, buka, what booze? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She just smells my breath and licks my mouth. She knows. Dude, it's also they just...

They make the places just feel so much better. Alive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. also, they make the places just feel so much better. Alive. Yeah, alive. When a dog likes sitting in a, or a cat in a certain part of your house, you're like, house is better. Yeah. It's like getting a whole dining room set. Yeah.

You're like, what do I fill this space with? Yeah. You're like the most lovable creature. Yeah, they never walk around and go like, this room sucks. Yeah, they're never like, I'm bored. There's no good furniture in this room. Look at all this space for a painting yeah yeah they don't what are we gonna fix that yeah what are you gonna put the hitler painting on talk about that what is literally the question on the poster what it's up to you this is anti-german propaganda yeah yeah this is uh i think it's

trying to get people to join the RAF. To go bomb the shit out of them. Oh, this is British. You know, Dr. Seuss used to draw anti-war propaganda. That's how he got started. Anti-war propaganda. Have you ever seen any of it? It's crazy. It's all like characters

but they're like we gotta kill the Japanese. Just cute cartoons yeah yeah yeah yeah instead of

one fish two fish red fish blue fish yeah yeah one bomb two bomb

Hiroshima Nagasaki one crowd two crowd three crowd yeah they're all like anti-Japanese

they're like really anti-Japanese it's like really really it's really funny to watch. Or to read. They deployed his cartoons to the Pacific. You're gonna be

the cartoonist for the Pacific Theater. Yeah. This is the same people that like tells everyone the green eggs and ham. All the places you'll go. All the places you'll go. Iwo Jima, Midway. You ever been?

Yeah, dude, that's great. All the places you'll go. Yeah, that stuff's nuts. I remember them being kind of good outside of the racism. I mean. Clever. Yeah, they worked. Oh, we're talking about... Wait.

This isn't the extremely racist Japanese characters. That was American soil. He had some of those. Right? He didn't do those, right? No, I think he did. You know the big tooth? That was Dr. Seuss? He was a part of that, yeah. I don't think he invented

that. I think that was just part of the thing. He Dr. Seussed it. Well, he was a part of that. Yeah. I don't think he invented that. I think that was just part of the thing. Oh, yeah. He Dr. Seussed it up. Made it cool for children. He was a little Seuss. That would be nuts if he was the guy. You know that tooth thing? Yeah.

I did that. That was Seuss. Old D. Seuss. That was Seuss. Back at it. Before they just had regular teeth. I wish he did that, the Jewish one. He's like this. I bet he has. Oh, that's the best. The anti-Semitic one? No,. I wish he did that, the Jewish one. He's like this.

I bet he has. Oh, that's the best. The very famous one? That's the best one. We used it at the mothership. We used that as a promotional poster for Ari. It was just Ari Shafir coming whatever day, and it was just that picture.

I think Ari uses it for himself. Ari's brilliant like that, where he'll get out whatever you're thinking first. He's like Eminem. You know what I mean? Like he'll send all that shit like you ain't going to beat me. Yeah. You got nothing.

Tell him something about me you don't know. I got a piss though. Can I can I pee? Yeah. Go pee. I'm sorry. No, no. We only got a couple of meals left.

Yeah. Yeah. We're cruising. Oh, yeah. left. That's all right. Yeah. Right? Yeah, we're cruising. Oh, yeah. Okay. This has been fun. What else you got? Are you doing shows tonight? Or are you going to go check out...

I'll just go hang out at Mothership and do the open mic. Yeah. Got a lot of new stuff. Got a Trump angle that I really like. Nice. A assassination angle that I'm very excited for. There you go. What a wild...

Yeah, crazy. What an absolutely crazy. What a crazy week. Just him almost getting assassinated and then less than two weeks later, Biden's out. He gives a 10-hour speech. Yeah. Biden quits. Biden quits.

This is like. Oh, my God. This is like, oh, man. I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, but it doesn't feel like good things are going to happen. I feel like this should have just kept by. Just run the dead guy. Run the dead guy. You know what's going to happen, but it doesn't feel like good things are going to happen. I feel like this should have just kept by it. Just run the dead guy.

Run the dead guy. Don't go Kamala. Just be like, yeah, he's dying. Yeah, yeah. This is all fake. Still not bad. This is all fake. To actually run, like, full-throated, run the campaign is like...

Trump's a dick, though. Yeah, yeah. I'm dead, but I'm not an asshole. like full-throated run the campaign as like, dude, Trump's a dick though. Yeah. Yeah. I'm dead, but I'm not an ass. I'm like, yeah,

that would require a level of dead guys. Tell no tales. That require a level of self-awareness. I don't think Biden has, that'd be so funny. If you'd be like, guys, I'm basically dead.

Yeah. Just put me in there. I think it would go a long way to humanizing the democratic party. They're like, look, I'm, I know know I'm dead but it's too late to switch that was just like the campaign poster Molly is a fucking troll. I hate that bitch. Yeah, she's not... It feels like she's not well-liked. Oh my god, she sucks. No, she's very unlike. Go down a rabbit hole of her policies and stuff.

The policies? I just see locker room videos. No, I hear that. I'm just basing it off race. I think she's half Indian. It's pretty clear to me. I'm not reading nothing. I don't like her. I'm not reading nothing.

I don't need to see anything else. I don't like her. Something about her. Locker room videos? No, she fucked. She gave like a locker room speech after a game once to like, I think like a historically black college or university after they got like knocked out of the NCAAs. And it was like the most awkward

weird insane thing you've ever seen how did you start hey people who look like people I lock up how are you I know you just lost it was that full that energy of like reading it off a slide

she has the charisma. Negative charisma. Yeah, I can't even. I don't even. Of a dead bird. Yeah. Dude, I watched a montage. Stay with Biden.

Stay with Biden. An actual dead guy has more charisma. He has way more charisma than her. At least you get to see him struggle and fight. Yeah, yeah. It's fun to watch a boomer struggle. Like, yeah, you fucked us. Yeah.

There's like a story. Another race of lady shit Biden was. But, dude, I started actually doing a little more research than possible. You know, like I'm starting to try and learn politics. It's a wasteland. I know, dude. It's like and it truly makes you feel so bad. It's just because you're like, this is not going to change anything.

It doesn't fucking matter. There's no right answers. It's just... Because you're like, this is not going to change anything. It doesn't fucking matter. There's no right answers. Everyone's shit. Yeah. Like, it's... That's why... That's why there's no calm political commentator. That's why they're all yelling.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's just WWE type shit. Yeah. Well, no. It's like... None of it matters to us.

It's just... It's just... You get... When you're in that world, you get so mad. Yeah. At everything that you can't... You know? That's why Alex Jones yells. He lives

in that world. All you do when you read that stuff is build arguments and scream at people in your head. And then you bring that out into the world. It's no good. I wish my dog was here. Yeah.

You start going like, I could just pet my dog. I could impregnate my girl whatever decisions they make experiment with feet there's so many better things to do a million percent that's like a way better imagine if you were reading

that would be a fun political party have you guys tried foot stuff? that's our entire platform I'm running stuff? And that's our entire platform. I'm running for office and that's my entire platform. Just try foot stuff. That's why Trump blew up immediately. He just talked to the people they want to be talked to.

Everybody knows these pundits are just talking heads. The more charismatic you are, the more you want to vote for him because you're like, I like watching this guy. He's very entertaining. Of course. Yes.

He has charisma. I like RFK. I'll listen to that fucking Darth Vader voice. I like the guy. Have you ever seen the movie I watched Network again last night? No. It was made in like 1976. 1976, yeah.

And it's like crazy. Yeah. Yeah. There's literally a guy that's fucking true. Yeah, well, that's the one thing. He literally just goes, they fire him. They're like, we're going to fire you in a week. This is your last week.

And he goes, the next night, he just goes, at the end of the broadcast, just goes, next Tuesday, I'm going to kill myself. Live on air. It's fucking amazing. Well, that's the thing is that people think that like, oh, this is, this is some unprecedented time. It's like, no, it's always just been the same. It's always the same. Shut the fuck up.

I remember I had to read the speech that Jimmy Carter made for whatever reason. And it's at the same talking points. It's always like, we got to vote to save our democracy. It's like the shit they say now. And it's like, yeah, we don't have a democracy even. We don't even have a democracy.

That's such a crazy thing to say. The other stuff around us is crazy. We don't want a democracy. Do we really want that fucking homeless lady talking to herself to give her a voice in our government? Do we really want that fucking homeless lady talking to herself to give her a voice in our government? Do we really want that? Yeah. First, she's got to register.

This is it. Well, that right there, the fact that you have to register makes us not a democracy. Yeah, you can register. I mean, no, but like, because democracy is such a word that people just throw around and it doesn't mean anything. It's supposed to hold on, like, everything. You're right. Yeah, and you're supposed to let everyone have a choice. It doesn't matter. You You're supposed to vote on everything. Right, yeah. And you're supposed to let everyone have a choice. It doesn't matter.

You're not supposed to be a representative. Yeah, no, I don't want that. But I do want a referendum. I get a referendum going. Hit me with some questions. We should be able to vote on where our tax money goes. Yeah, you should be able to. Well, that's a tough one.

At least some of it. I don't... That should just... How much... How many... What do you want to pay? That should be a referendum. Yeah.

Well, that's. How are you going to keep the wars going? That's the problem. Like, I would. Fuck. Fuck Ukraine. Let's fix potholes and shit. Yeah.

You can have on the ballot just what you want the tax brackets to be. They need to pretend. You have like four choices. That the Jews are being fucking massacred. They need to. They need all this fake propaganda. Is this how you dipped your toes in? Now it really comes out.

I'm doing some fucking reading. He did say he felt sorry for Hitler in that poster there. Look how wary he looks. Don't read. He's so concerned. I'm concerned for him It's like learning to read with like Finnegan's wake

It's like dude Start with Start with Dr. Seuss So how many fish? Yo you got anything to plug baby? The Solid Show with me and Derek Poston We do that every week that comes out Wednesday It's a lot of fun and then i'm i'm doing uh uh houston riot september 29th and

san jose improv november 10th let's go yeah fuck yeah dude that's awesome thanks for coming thanks thanks for having me i appreciate it i had a good time the sex talk fuck you kamala leave it The sex talk. Fuck you, Kamala. About that. Leave it.