Stuff Island - Dear John - Stuff Island #125

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com/STUFFISLAND Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code STUFFISLAND at shopmando.com! #mandopodd Download the Prizepicks app today and use code, "stuffisland" for a first deposit match up to $100!” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey gang, April 4th through the 7th we're at the Riot Comedy Festival in Houston, Texas. Dude, cut that. April 10th, the Addison Improv in Addison, Texas. April 11th, the Creek in the Cave in Austin, Texas. And then we're going to Tampa and then Raleigh. A lot of audio engineers commenting on us holding Shur mics is fucking insane. It is fucking insane, dude.

Get a second back support. It is fucking insane. The length of the ass of this couch is nuts. I know, I know. This is 6'5 and over. It's also low so you like stick it.

I'm thinking I'm going to put this thing on stilts because I can't see out the window. Of course. Standing up. This is for NBA players to get blown by three white, poor women.

This couch does get me horned up. It's a fuck couch. It's an amazing fuck couch. Did you guys knock boots on every little cushion? We've done it a couple times. All right, Jesus. Yeah. Don't tell me.

For real. We put towels down over it. How about this boy? Yeah, he's doing good. Yeah, did he watch? Does he like your bun? No, he hates it. Come on, you love this, dude.

He hates it. I'm a cat person. He needs a little butt support he's gonna dude i'm fine dude he's been he's been acting like such a little cunt yeah because he's upgraded yeah yeah he's such a rich high living now he doesn't do shit he doesn't have a job he can't fucking drive he's like me no job no car yeah why don't you do something yeah that's why i act so confident every day i get off go no he it is it is the one nice thing about an animal is that like when you walk into a place and you're feeling like a little bit like oh my god i'm where am i what am i doing

are you doing it the animal finds like a like he'll find just a window and he'll just be like looking out of it and like going like, this is nice. All right. You think that. But he's going, I could jump from here. I can end this whole fucking thing right now. Things go sideways. I got a place I can kill myself.

Mom gets drunk, leaves that sliding door open. I'm doing a fucking swan dive. Off the 26th floor, dude. That cow would be a flying squirrel. That would land in fucking Charleston. It would. The gusts. Dude, the wind gusts up here.

Yeah, I know. Dude, we came back the other night, and there was like thunderstorming. That thunderstorm we had the other night. It was pretty beautiful, yeah. It was amazing. It's been raining for four days. Dude, yeah. Yeah, that has been pissing me off. Yeah, a little bit for me.

I got to cut my fucking lawn. I just got my electric lawn mower. I swear to God, I did. Connected? You got a power cord connected to the... Dude, update. John's the man. Yes.

Old John, serial killer across the street, is the fucking man. Give me my Shiner box. The only thing I drink. Let me tell you a story. So he comes over. He's a peeping Tom. Let me tell you that. He's old enough to go, I got nothing to do. Charlene's pissing me off.

I'm going to go peek around the bushes. Look for sticks to carry. He's got nothing to fucking do. Dude, that's suburbs life, man. So he sees a city slicking wop running around the fucking house getting all fucking worked up. He's got to fucking do. Dude, that's suburbs life, man. Yeah. So he sees a city slicking wop running around the fucking house getting all fucking worked up. He's got to say something.

And the way, the pace with which this man walks across the street. Our streets are giant. I sing it big. Yeah, yeah, dude. This is a 40-yard football toss.

Your house is fucking sick, dude. Holy shit. Our plants just got delivered. Yeah. Just a little touch every day, Chris. A little fucking touch every day

It is It feels good Anyway John comes to the door Rings the door While I open it up I'm on a call It was our call with the

With our producers Yeah yeah The doorbell rang He popped in Let me tell you something That was popping Popping in John's popping in dude

And I'm not used to a pop in So I'm like Amazon drops off They don't ring doorbells here Yeah Cause they No one's gonna steal your shit Apparently

Yeah That's why they ring doorbells In New York In shitty cities Cause some fucking crackhead's Gonna grab your box And skedaddle Right right right

Yeah So I hear a doorbell I'm like I think it's not a doorbell I go over there And John's like You were asking about The recycling

I found this pamphlet And I was like Jesus Christ John And I can hear you guyslet, and I was like, Jesus Christ. John, and I can hear you guys yapping. And I'm like, yeah, thanks, man. And I'm trying to wrap this up from the jump, dude. I'm like, thank you so much. I go to grab him.

He's like, well, let's see what it says here. Yes, he wants to take you page by page. Page? Dude, he went, he opened this thing up. It was like a magician pulling a handkerchief out for fucking eight minutes. Oh, my God. He kept going page by page, and I kept going, thank you so much, man.

I'll look over. You don't have to read it. He goes, let's see what else we have here. I'm like, nothing. What we have here is nothing. He's like, no, this is interesting. On page six. Yeah.

You can either put it in a brown bag, or you can put your Clipmings raw. He's going color by color of all these trash i've got here all of my i'll mention everywhere he's going color by color i go john i can read the top of all the cans it says trash plastic uh whatever food clippings or some shit yeah i'll figure it out compost he can't dude he's his mind is blown that we don't have a car He sees us go into an Uber Every day He's on the fucking front lawn going Hey, and he tries to talk

And I'm like, John, these guys I finally had to give it to him I was like, these guys are working Like this is a paid car I can't have a conversation about Azaleas Right fucking now Let me get in the car, I'm pissing off this fucking Arab Muhammad is upset

i don't want to be either dude yeah you you really are without a car out there it's dude they can't believe it yeah well just imagine like yeah it was it was an emotional chest too because he stood at the door for so long We got done the recycling conversation And I was like He keeps peeking by me And my girl's on the phone with her friend And she's laughing so hard about something It sounds like she's crying So now it looks like I'm just an abusive husband Trying not to let him in

Until my bitch stops crying I'm on a call, John She's in the back going He's like, do you have kids? No, the bitch won't shut the fuck up No, he finally, I was like, do you want to come in? And he goes, yeah, I'll come in And then I didn't have, for a while

He just meandered, he's like, I've been in this house Many times, they have redone And he went through every room going This is new This is new, and then my girl kept going like is it better is it better are we being taken care of and he's like well yeah and no and i'm like dude shut the fuck up just say yes yes yeah you're just giving me another hour and a half going do you think we got robbed it's like no we're fine we're fine

everything's fine it's going to every goddamn room and i was like john do you like beer and he's like scheinerbach he said shine yeah all i drink is shines i was like oh scheinerbach he goes it's local give me anything else i'll throw it out and every fucking dude his jokes are pop-up jokes every joke is a pop-up joke and it it's wearing on me yeah like it's it's cute and funny in the beginning because you're doing that nervous laugh with a neighbor yes but then when it starts to get in the way of conversation or me doing anything else so i'm like where do you put the trash he's like well you first have to pick up a politician throw it right in the trash and i'm like you don't have to help me out with that, John.

Yeah, you're going to go right down Congress. You hold a politician. If you want to cut your loan, you hold your politician by his back feet and homo right through it. It's like, dude, shut the fuck up. Anyway, he rules. He offered to drive us to Home Depot. He's like, I heard your girlfriend saying that you guys have to go to Home Depot today today i can drive you and i was like actually my friend gardini is coming over he will

drive us and he's like all right well i got any time any time no i got the truck no that's the problem dude he's got an all he's got gardini's car it's like it's like a 1985 civic and i was like i'm good dude you can see the dog hair stuck to the inside of the windows. Just glued on by old dog tongue saliva. I know what that car smells like. I'm not getting in it. Holy shit, John. 30 minutes later, another doorbell after we hung up.

He comes by with an index card. I'll show you the pic. It's hilarious. You can see his age by his penmanship. Because it's like shaking as he's writing this shit yeah it just says work sell and it's this website he's like you ever heard of uh it's like neighborhood.com or something and i was like no i haven't and again i'm fucking i'm over it he's like well it's a website that like people in the neighborhood will just let you know what to avoid and maybe what not to avoid do you know and i was like yeah like latinos and he was like no like um like

fucking give me something john this guy is all new it's too fresh too fresh i don't know how it's gonna happen but i think we're gonna build a relationship hopefully through football season i'll have him over yeah yeah he's the guy who's gonna just build you a garden or something dude this man is he's built for a bowling alley i don't think he bends over beyond really hasn't seen this pecker in years big like the like bifocals no glasses just a pot belly giant he's huge he's going hat or no hat he goes he goes uh he's he's built like a tiki bar like he has a he has a hawaiian shirt on all the time oh dude you moved in and he was like finally yes one of my people finally a dude darker than a peach that wants to do beach life with me. Wants to wax my surfboard.

I'm not talking about a blowjob. He's going to build the above ground pool. Oh, cute. He does rule. It's just such a weird change of pace to go from not looking at anybody in New York, and now I'm like, i have to build a relationship with this guy let your guard down yeah now it's every day hey john jennifer's to my left i know jen jen single mom no she's just a single lady just an old lady yeah she's kind of like filipino

irish really weird disposition half filipino half ir Irish That's my guesstimate Yeah it's real Real good I keep saying things like I don't know how to End that conversation either It's all It's all elevator talks

Yeah This is what like I'm afraid of getting The dogs Cause you see Another guy with a dog And you have to go Ah

How old is she And then you have to Have this weird conversation That's what I'm doing But instead I'm going, what do I do with all this shit? How do I get rid of all this old car park? I fucking popped the garage door open

and Sean was like, and I was like, I told you. Dude, that's, I literally just imagine you like in my head, just in like 1830s, Texas,

just like homesteading. It's, you're out there. You didn't bring a horse dude not having a car in texas especially austin is so crazy he dude he was befuddled yeah yeah he's the homesteaders next to you are like who yeah is this i had to like write down on the index card in his handwriting because i was drunk. What an Uber is. I'm like, I'm safe. Muhammad will get me to the bar I need to go to.

I'm not jumping in your fucking car. Dude, me and my girl, we're walking out to get an Uber the other night. And there's another John looking character because there's a lot of John looking characters. He wasn't wearing his outfit. He wasn't wearing his fucking Saturday fucking fun day. And she's so confident, because she's had conversations with him too, but this guy is walking a dog.

And the Uber's like to the left. We're looking directly across the street where John would be. Yeah. And there's a dog. And she just goes, ha, who's this? And the guy looked up and he was like, what the fuck? And she's, you know, tattoos, fucking shaved head.

And I'm behind her going, babe, it's not fucking John. She's like, what? I'm like, that's not John. Stop yelling at the guy and his dog. The volume on that street is up 60 decibels. I try, I try. We just got curtains in the front. Because he says shit that is so passive aggressive that I think he's pissed.

John does? John. He's pissed. He'll say stuff like, see you got a lawnmower. You don't fuck a woman like that. Dude, it was about that. That guy would have three teeth in his hawaiian shirt that hat would have went spun like a fucking bugs bunny you're using all the holes over there

i know you get along with those sand creatures no he said shit like i saw you got a lawnmower because my garage door was open. And my lawn is, it's long. Yeah. Because the project management company that's doing all these flips for these pieces of shit haven't been cutting my lawn. So I had to wait like a week and a half. Oh, dryer's not working.

What? Oh, the dryer's not working? Dryer's not working because they did the remodel. They did a quick flip. Cheap construction. They didn't saw a hole for the exhaust. No fucking way. You got to put a work order in through this project management company.

They have to get it approved by some fucking from somewhere else around the country. Connecticut, honestly. This building owned by people in Connecticut. 100%. I know how it works. It's fucking ridiculous. So, yeah, we didn't wash her.

The dishwasher was broke for a while. They just, dude, they shoddily put this thing together. It's a beautiful home. It is beautiful. It is really nice. Gorgeous. I know, but the simple things. When you feel like you're getting fucked, it's not about money, but I feel like you're

fucking me. Dude. Then I get really angry. And small little subtle things. Yeah. The trim underneath my fucking. Yeah. My Dude. Then I get really angry. And small little subtle things. Yeah. The trim underneath my fucking. Yeah. My counter.

Cabinet not closing quite right. Yep. Will drive me. Small shit, man. Insane. Small shit. Yeah. I got fucking.

I got poofing like this in my dog shit wood flooring. There's already air pockets. That shit's going to come up. My girl's going to stub a toe. I'm going to fight for three hours. Yeah, it's a health hazard. Yeah. I'm going to send an email to a nobody. Not a nobody for who they are, but I don't know who it is.

No, it's meant to be a black hole. Yes. Yeah. Anyway. It is. It's been great. It has been great. It has been great. Fucking great. Sorry. There's your update on the last. I really appreciate all the comments of you guys actually caring about this shit

because it is such a wild emotional move from going from my parents' home to 15 minutes away, going to college in Philly, living in North Philly, West Philly, and then going to New York City for 12 years. Yeah. The peace in the suburbs

is the greatest thing that I didn't know existed. And then going to New York City for 12 years. Yeah. The peace in the suburbs. Yeah. Is the greatest thing that I didn't know existed. Oh, man. I mean, when you live in shit and that energy, you don't know. You just adapt to it so consistently that you think it's normal. Yeah. You get out of it. I got it a little bit during the pandemic when I went home and chilled at my parents for a little bit.

I was like, holy shit. Yeah. This is so nice. Yeah. Yeah. Every morning in Philly and New York, you wake up and go, oh, here it goes again. Yes. Now, dude, I fall back asleep.

Yeah. Just waking up to bus breaks and shit. Yeah. Yeah. Now you did it. Now you did it. Fuck you. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Someone. Now you did it! Now you did it! Fuck you! Yeah, shut the fuck up!

Yeah, someone just sitting in their car blasting music. You're breaking up with your fifth husband at eight o'clock in the morning? Shut the fuck up. Yeah, have lunch. Yeah, so I am the loudest person on the block for sure.

We got to get a fucking intramural squad going. We have a touch football game in our fucking street, dude. No cars. Oh, dude. Like, Wayne's World, car. None of that shit, dude.

There's no cars. I bet there is a flag football league here. I already looked into it. Yeah? Yeah. Is it... What's the season? I mean, I'm sure...

You got to have multiple seasons. I'm sure it's starting now so that you don't die on the field in two months. Dude, I want it it how's your move going you guys got this place all together real quick dude we're not great fucked i mean well we got stuff on the walls but we like i need to get furniture i need to get like a dresser or not dresser i need to get like a whatever cons media console or like a fucking, what do they call it? Is this new? What?

This TV? No. Is that from the old apartment? That's Shane's old TV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks so much bigger without the stand. Yeah, it's huge. That's crazy.

It's gigantic, yeah. I also put it up a little too high. I put my TV up an inch to the right of the fake fireplace. Yeah. Got to move the whole goddamn system. It took me a long time, dude. To get it up? Yeah.

Yeah. You remember? You helped me. Yeah. When I fucked it up the first time. Oh, but you're talking about your new place. Yeah, the new place. I have to take it back off the wooden shingles in the dojo and move it to the left.

It's driving me nuts. Oh, my God. I'm trying to watch Anybody Feeds Phil or whatever the fuck. Everybody Feeds Phil. Yeah, where that goofy Jew runs around. Somebody Feeds Phil. Yeah, yeah. How do you watch that?

Dude, he rules. He does? He's the funnest fucking guy. It's background television when you eat. That's my eating room I have a little eating room And then I have a night time television Oh here's another John

Passive aggressive thing He goes So we didn't have blinds And we have that Remember the lights I got for the trim Yeah And he goes I've been noticing your lights through the window

I can't sleep Yeah What is that I don't Yeah It's like What do you mean what is it just say what you want yeah shut it off because i'm bothered by your lights through the fucking window

how could he possibly be bothered he doesn't have shit to do he stares at the window where he's on the lawn he the guy fucking meanders does he is he retired he doesn't have a job he's for sure i just don't it's such a pop-out joke. That's another pop-out joke. He would just go right over his head. Are you... Dude, it's... Yeah, I'm interested in your neighbors. Guys, this episode is brought to you by PrizePix.

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This is a sick thing that Rocket Money will just actually go, yeah, and like do the fighting for you. All the bullshit. That might be the nicest thing of all time. Yeah, it's like hiring a pack of Jews to get it done. The lawyers. Yeah, and they're cheap,

and you get a discount. Some guy sent me a private message. He was like, hey, can you just stop making fun of the jews like every episode we're not all zionists and i was like i just went k that used to drive me nuts i get in a fight with like my girl and i would say all this emotional shit and she just always go okay and that i would roof the phone dude oh yeah uh stop wasting money on things you don't use cancel your unwanted subscriptions and that I would roof the phone, dude. Oh, yeah. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash stuff island. That's rocketmoney.com slash stuff island.

rocketmoney.com slash stuff island. Oh, it's food time. What is that? It's the automatic feeder. Look at Fatty. Yeah, dude. He's been a real pain. What is that? It's the automatic feeder. Look at Fatty. Yeah, dude. He's been a real pain in the ass. Cats are so fucking spoiled.

They're great. He is spoiled, though. He is a cat dog. I've said it before. He is a cat dog. Dog cat? What would you call him? Yeah, yeah.

Dog cat. Everyone says this about their cat. No, but this cat, you can rub his belly. Yeah. He doesn't care. There's been two. It's been him and Dottie from Judy's. Yes.

Yeah, yeah. You know where she got a cat? That cat's like hanging out at the bar. Yeah. She got a cat at a weed farm. And I've heard this is a thing. And they train them there? Weed farms that have stray cats or they breed cats.

The cats are just naturally mundane. Chill? Very chill. And I don't... Nobody understands. It's got to be... I mean, yeah. Do the fucking homework.

They're just sniffing weed all day. Just listening to Sublime in the womb. Yeah. So their brain probably doesn't get properly done and it's just a big old fucking bag of water. I wonder. Yeah. I wonder if like, yeah.

I wonder if you could like dose animals into like being chill. Yeah. We should just send autistic kids to weed farms. Yeah. Or like give a cat like ayahuasca. Will it have like a enlightening experience? Lock the windows. Imagine being a bitch

at a cat park. Charlie was a problem for a while. Then we gave him ayahuasca. Now he does the dishes. Now he walks upright and has a driver's license. Dude, it's got to be a thing. There's got to be people out there that are dosing their animals

to change them 100 right yeah to take on a vision their loved ones without them knowing yeah can like a dog can eat mushrooms and stuff right i would imagine i mean you ever blow smoke into a dog's face in college no this kid used to do it all the time i fucking hated it this pothead he used to sell pot at drexel yeah so pot and then he would he had a dog it's a real dirtball i fucking hate this everyone who sold weed in west philly was yeah west philly scumbag and he had this big like pit bull type thing and he thought it was funny. Like, smoke a joint, like. And the dog would be like, just hating it. Yeah. And then just go to the corner, like, just caked.

The dog would be fucked up? The dog would be fucked up. Yeah. And everybody's laughing. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, it is weird. Dogs feel the laughter. They hate the laughter.

You think so? Yeah. Dogs, when you, if you ever laugh at a dog and a dog's face, they get like ashamed. Like they know, they know it's not good. You know what I mean? They know, they like, they're, they're emotionally in tune enough to know that like if a whole room is looking at them and laughing, that things are not trending in the right direction. Even a koi fish would understand that.

Just a bunch of giants going... Oh, my God, yeah. I remember there was a... My sister-in-law had a dog growing up, a corgi, and if you called it fat, if you were like, Sarah, you fat piece of shit. You fucking piece of...

No way. You're so fucking fat. It would like... It would get sad and like hide under a chair. Did they hit it with a bamboo stick every time they said fat? No, no. This dog was like a huge pain in the ass. Like it was like a real...

This is how I... This is how I... This is how I... Yeah. Like, make me believe in reincarnation. Like if you came back As a corgi And someone's like

Look at this fat piece of shit And you're just like Yeah yeah I don't know why that hurts But it hurts Yeah Just carry over to a dog bed In the fucking living room

You know I'm gonna sleep For five hours Chris called me fat Yeah Dude it was Like the dog was like It was a corgi It was like a nuisance

It would always be like Like in your face Yeah corgis are fucking dickheads. And you'd be like, stop, stop. And like none of that would work. But going like, you're fucking fat. You're so fat and out of shape. It's crazy.

Do you know corgis have the strongest sperm for all dogs? You mean in terms of like, everything will just turn into a corgi? Everything turns into a corgi, dude. It's all dominant genes. Rottweiler rapes a corgi. Thing comes out corgi-sized looking like a Rottweiler. Corgi sperm is the most powerful substance on earth, dude.

It is crazy. Think of it like a Magic the Gathering thing. You drop a corgi guard. Everyone's tiny. Yeah. Your wife's pregnant. The baby's coming out and just looks like a corgi. You stare at your dog.

You're like, what the fuck did you do, dude? He's got your face and a corgi's body Dude, I worry That's what I worry about, like, corgi genes Like, if I ever had a kid with, like, a tall lady To try to get, like, a tall kid You know what I mean? Then my corgi genes would take over

Yeah, you do have corgi genes Fuck Yeah, you're just getting on a stepladder Put it in her pussy You still get a fucking bow- do have corgi jeans. Midget would come out. Fuck. Yeah, you're just getting on a stepladder. Put it in her pussy. You still get a fucking bow-legged corgi. It'd be so funny. Just jerking off into the cup at the bottom of the ladder. Just throwing it in.

Just balling it up like a snowball. Just tossing your cum into a giant stick woman. Frodo with the ring. Yeah. God. while just tossing your cum into a giant stick woman. Frodo with the ring. God. Dude, I went to this coffee shop down the street because I'm trying to find a new coffee place. And it was, you know, I don't know. Everything on like East 6th, East 11th seems like cool.

Went in all pink. All pink interior. Yeah. Everything pink. It's off-putting it's insane and the worst part was like that everything else was like shitty yeah like the setup felt like like a dingy yeah half idea like it like a coffee shop you'd see it like a train station yeah it was like the fuck is going on yeah if you're going all pink you better have the best coffee yeah in the fucking everything else better be dialed in otherwise it just like it genuinely felt like a like a 16 year old girl like like asked her dad to open a coffee shop yeah it was i feel like that's an austin like decor where it's like i feel like the the investors or the owners are trying to cut corners but not doing it correctly but like they like to dive and dingy there's a place around the corner from us i'm

not gonna say a name but it's like it has that aesthetic if done well and the food's great the beer's great yeah it the charm level is awesome dude i'll sit in a picnic fucking table oh i want to look at an open stage that isn't active oh you know what i mean like i love that i love it so much but the food yes i had cheesesteak egg rolls at this place yesterday missing home bro They were good? They were fucking unbelievable. Really? They even thinly sliced cherry peppers. Really? They used American cheese.

They did it right. Anytime you see a cheesesteak egg roll. Holy shit. In Philly, obviously they're great. Yeah. It's just the Asian style wrap. Yeah. It's like a wonton.

Yeah. Right? I don't know. I don't know wonton soup. Not a wonton Yeah Right? I don't know I want a wonton soup Not a wonton I don't know a wonton A dumpling No

Spring roll Yeah, it's kind of like a spring roll It's got that same wrap It's an egg roll It's a cheesecake egg roll Yes Yes, it's an egg roll It's got the same egg roll wrap

I should have started there Yeah, it's an egg wrap Chris, come on Anyway, unbelievable. And it is a fix for me. Because even in New York, anytime I try a cheesesteak, they'd be like, go to this place Compton. It's got a good cheesesteak.

Nope. They're not using the right cheese. Their bread fucking sucks. They put those weird peppers on it. Peppers? They got green peppers and mushrooms? Yeah. It's like you're Phillies around the corner.

Yeah, yeah. How do you not fucking know this? I don't, yeah. They're breakfast fucking burritos. I'm coming around heavy on the breakfast taco. Buddy, what is going on? The breakfast taco, well, it's less bread. I haven't talked to my father because I'm afraid to tell him I love Texas.

Yeah, I know. It's so great. The people are I know. It's so great. The people are very nice. Everyone's so nice. There are pretentious cunts that are in costume. That fires me the fuck up. Of course. We talked about it last episode.

So we go to this place with the cheesesteak egg rolls. Just want to get a little bite to eat, grab a drink, then go home and make dinner. This guy's sitting in a hostess booth which is crazy they got fucking bouncers yeah it's like dude it's sunday what are you doing this guy's like just you know he's got the long beard and fucking weird hat straggly fucking t-shirt looking like he smells but he doesn't because he bays but he wants to look like he smells. He wants to look like... Yeah, yeah.

It's how fucking rich white women want to be like, I want a dive bar. Yeah, yeah. Just spraying wet dog on them. It's not a dive bar. Unless you got a skinhead in the corner that's going to knuckle you up. There's got to be fear.

There's got to be a fear factor for a dive bar. Yeah. Don't act like it's a dive bar. It's not. Yeah, yeah. You want a Hell's Angel-y feel in there. Yeah, yeah. Put a guy in the corner that might bite your nose off.

So I get up to this fucking, and my girl knew immediately. She's like, they're going to card you. You got to start bringing around your passport because I don't have the fucking ID yet. I'm like, I'm not bringing a fucking passport. Look at my face. She goes, it's not about that. Texas is like really intense. They'll take your ids i'm like

for what yeah what's the point yeah so i get to this guy and i was like hey man i don't have my id we took an uber there it's only like an eight minute uber but it's like a 50 minute fucking walk yes it's a hike everything got a pack of water bottles that's like i mean it is the nice thing now that if something is 12 miles away it's 12 minutes away insane but it's horrible for walking insane it's horrible that's a day and a half yeah yeah so i get to this dude and i was like which has worked if you're just a good guy it's not a big deal look at my face i got more gray than black yeah i'm clearly of age he probably thinks you're one of these hipster clowns.

You know what I mean? Like trying to invade his base? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you're trying to look older than you are. You know what I mean? Do you think this is

like a look you'd go? You know how much makeup this would take? Oh yeah, I put some fucking sun damage on this part of my forehead and my neck.

Maybe you're the best at it. Yeah. Hey, I just got off set. You guys got beers here? It'd be so funny To be Someone who's like I'm actually

I'm actually 15 Really Wait that's undamaged It's fake I wish I was 15 again And taste that good syrup Anyway So I get to this guy

I get to this guy Cut that I get to this guy Don't That's good I get to the guy And I go Which has worked In so many other nicer bars.

It's like a toll booth operator, right? It's whether or not that woman wants or man wants to be a cunt in that moment. What's going on in his personal life? Does he feel? It's a secretary syndrome too. Do they feel like it's their right to be empowered because they feel out of power? Yeah. Do they want to put you in a to be empowered because they feel out of power? Yeah. Do they want to put you in a fucking chokehold?

Because they can. Yeah. Because they're in a chokehold in every other facet of their fucking life. I get to this guy. He's probably 38, 40 years old. Yeah. I was like, hey, man. He checks our ID.

I was like, I don't have an ID, but I can show you a picture of my passport. He goes, well, that's not an ID. Dude, I didn't do that. I went, yeah. Because I'm thinking it's a bit. Yeah. That's not an ID. Actually, IDs are formal, in-person pictures.

Because anybody can take a picture, right? So that's not an actual identification. This is how long you explain this? Yes. And I still paused after he got done. My girl grabs my wrist. We just took a five minute Uber again, an hour walk. Yeah, yeah.

And I went, yeah, do you want to see the passport? And he goes, yeah, I'll take a passport for now, but just the future. So this guy's in high heels, essentially in my fucking head. And all I can think about is driving my fucking fist through his forehead. Dude. What a pile of shit. This is a guy that's never been like, why would you do that to somebody?

I was nice. Yeah. How you doing, man? Well, I get hit with that a lot. Like if I went around without an ID and tried to get into bars, it,

it, well, you're younger. It's not, you're not that younger, but you look a lot younger.'s not the you it's i think i've got such undercover cop energy this is like this is what my girl got that like it's like it they're like okay this guy is clearly trying to just like he's trying to bust me on a technicality so i'm gonna like i didn't know this the other day

because philly pcb or whatever it was called. It was called PCB or something where like there was a patrol, a regulations patrol going like, are you letting underage kids in? I get that. Yeah. Yeah. So we had a fucking argument. She's like, no, he's kind of right.

Because like, you can't just, I'm like, look at me. Even if this PCB, I don't know. I'm saying it wrong every time. Yeah. Yeah. PCB comes in here. Right. In this fucking shithole, banana picnic.

Well. They're not going to go, sir, do you have your ID? I'm in the corner eating cheesesteak egg rolls, looking like me. You're going to ask for my ID? And then what? Well, dude, again, this is what every good bartender does when they refuse you service because you don't have your ID. They go, I would love to serve you.

I will get fucked bingo like the fine she said too yeah it's like i just wish he handled it differently well i don't need a speech on why you don't have a fucking id let me give you a 30 minute fucking dude oh man i'm getting hot dude and she was dude we sat down she goes i'm she literally talked to me like a five-year-old didn't shit himself on a ride yeah she was like i'm so proud of you i know what you should have done and could have done there and you're growing yeah she literally gave me like a big day for us it's a big day you're happy i can tell you're happy because you didn't fucking murder that dude

i'm wearing a sheen i did on on purpose It was St. Paddy's Day It was rainy I needed an overcoat I wore my Phillies Cherry red Polyester Shining jacket Because I was like Whatever Barbie Landon

Fuck the Irish today What? Nah I didn't really mean it like that I was sad that I didn't wear Like all that Notre Dame gear I have that I can't wear anywhere. You can't do that, dude. You already...

You should have thrown it on. Every day you wake up, you're wearing Notre Dame. Your face is Notre Dame, dude. I feel like I'm the fucking Irish. You are the fighting Irish, dude. Dude, hold on. So the other day, this is like a cop energy moment. The other day, my girl leaves to go get some coffee.

She's like, pick me up because we're going to, we have fucking furniture shopping. So like, I grab the car. I pull up next to the coffee shop and I don't see, like I pull up next to a car, right?

I'm like on the street. I put my flashes on. I don't see that there's anyone in the car. I got, I got these like fucking cop shades that I'm like rocking and i turn and i look i'm like trying to look into the coffee shop so i have shades on i'm nervous right now and i'm and i'm looking like this with and like all of a sudden i realized there's like a black dude sitting like super low in the car yeah looking looking out at me dude you gotta take advantage of this man and like he was like i roll my i roll my window down i was like oh dude i'm sorry i didn't realize

because i'm a piece of shit too i didn't do it yeah but i had pulled up like perfectly in line with him and i rolled the window down and like i was like dude i'm i'm sorry i didn't realize how awkwardly i just pulled up and he was like he was like yeah dude i thought i was gonna fucking bust it and then he's like yeah dude my bad give me all your fucking weed dude and then i like i didn't know what to do because I was like, she was still in the coffee shop. So I was just like, I'm sorry, man. Should I move forwards or backwards? He was like, no, I was wearing an Eagles hat. Then we just started talking football.

Oh, sick. Yeah, yeah. He was like, where are you coming from? I was like, I just moved here from New York. He's like, well, you got an Eagles hat on. I was like, well, I'm from Philly, too. Dude, this is what I avoid with John. It's like, if I answer correctly on avoid with john oh it's like if i if i answer correctly

on one of these it's another 30 minutes dude and then yeah the conversation end ended with me like if aging myself i guess in a weird way because like we were talking he goes he was like you guys just got saquons fucking nuts i was like yeah he's like i got i'm he's like i'm a fucking i'm from san diego but i'm a raiders fan and i was like yeah well the raiders used to be in la i think he's you know he's probably like in his 20s yeah never alive for the yeah right yeah so he has no idea what you're talking about he was like yeah and then all of a sudden behind me it was like there's an actual oh my god and i was like and like he's like damn i fell for the football conversation again i started talking talking tennis. All right.

See you, man. Yeah. See you in 20 years. Dude, I'm driving on like her plates are like the registrations completely expired. I can't imagine. Like the car is completely illegal.

She drives a Mario Kart, dude. It is an absolute Mario Kart, dude. I feel like one green shell would take that bitch home, dude. To a graveyard. I know. It is so fun, though. Buying those chairs was so sick.

Showing up in the hoopty and pulling up and buying nice chairs and fucking crating barrels. They probably checked your card and ID like six times. We saw you pull up, cop. Oh, man. It's literally a toaster with a driving Steering wheel Dude to go from like Joking about a scary almost cop Interaction to then the cop being behind me

And like literally my girl's Going nuts she's like oh we're fucked We're fucked I'm like stay cool We're fine Just keep taking rights until he I mean the fans keep talking about how quickly one of us are gonna get a dui but oh yeah i'm close enough to the city if you if you time it right it's nice yeah 12 15 18 20 minutes like that's nothing well the scary

thing is that when like when you drink too much and drive in high school and college. It's fun as hell. It was amazing. Blasting music, drinking, and driving is maybe the best thing on earth. It's incredible. But my brain was set to black out after I got home. Yeah. Driving.

Yeah. You know? Now, because I've been Ubering everywhere, my brain brain as soon as i literally cross the threshold into the uber yeah memory loss yeah like i've like i will remember every i'll be fucked up i'll be at the bar i'll remember every like detail of that as soon as i step into the uber it's like i don't remember thank you for saying i don't remember eating i don't remember anything the only level of anxiety that i still retain is the fact that every single day i have to step into an uber so our gym also it's not fucking planet fitness i i read the comments i was very nervous about our first episode

i thought it was too emotional i thought it was too fucking gay yeah and everyone's like dude we care we love you and i was like oh but i talked about my gym i got a great deal and very nice gym it's brand fucking new it's not gold stop playing it it's unbelievable yeah gym fucking rules we have to take an uber again the gym five minutes away yeah so i'm like i'm wary so we have to call an uber 15 20 minutes ahead of time and you only go five minutes up the road yeah but every single time i step in an uber here 20 minutes ahead of time and you only go five minutes up the road yeah but every single time i step in an uber here i'm reminded of the anxiety that i had every single second in new york oh yeah because you're in someone else's business yes yeah it's true in new york you're in someone else's all the time new york city is just one big someone else's house one big yeah yeah yeah

it's crazy. You're just always visiting. Yeah. And even in your own house, you can hear neighbors. Yes. You hear people outside. Yes. You're always in someone else's.

It's a beautiful way to say that. Oh, it's crazy. Yeah, dude. And now I have complete peace, and then I got to call fucking some dude from Dubai to pick me up and drive me five minutes up the road. And I go, immediately go, I'm so sorry. It's a short drive. And I can't go because I just moved here because you get some mouthy motherfuckers like today on the way home from the gym I got this dude it was a DHL long road trucker

what driving DHL yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he just drives. FedEx kind of thing. And this guy, his mugshot on his lift was down here in his crotch. He's got giant fucking bubble ears. And I'm like, this guy's going to be a problem. He's wearing a coon hat. A coonskin hat. Coonskin hat. With a tail? Now, granted.

With a tail? A little chilly. A whole tail. This guy's awesome. Dude, he rolled. This guy's incredible. Long long sleeve like surfer thing yeah dude no don't get me wrong guy ruled but i just get done my daniel boone i just get done my workout i'm like exhausted i'm sick to my stomach i gotta go cut the lawn

we got a pod we got a show I'm just trying to zone in. I got to make lunch. My only shitty part of the day is that these Austinites, it's not like Lyft and Uber in the cities. So they don't just go, I have a job. I'm going to do the job. Pick you up. Faster I get you out, get the money, get another one. Yeah.

There's not many of that. No. No. So people coming, get another one. Yeah. There's not many of that. No. So people coming down for South by, it's like they driving from, this one dude was like, they driving from Houston. Oh, to, to. Just to take all their business. Yes. Yes.

So now all that traffic dies down. People that don't know what the fuck they're doing. You're getting picked, picked up by like a Debbie who wants to tell you about the cat that can't stop having diarrhea. Yeah. And it's like, Deb, I'm going to fucking lose my mind. Oh, dude, yeah.

I took an Uber from Lowe's once and she was like, oh, what'd you buy, an air mattress? Yeah, I bought one of those air mattresses. Last time I was at Lowe's, I was actually buying whatever that rubber paint is. So I bought some of that. They have those infomercials for them.

I forget what it's called. What, when it patches up a hole? Yeah, yeah. They cover the bottom of the boat. Billy Mays? You talking about Billy Mays? Yeah, yeah, that shit. Billy Mays was your Uber driver?

Yeah, she was like, yeah, my cat scratched a hole in it, so I had to go get some of that paint. It's crazy what people remember. What the fuck? Dude, when you're in that mundane conversation with an Uber driver, and they'll tell a story for 15 minutes,

and when I say, I'm not looking for a funny punch, which I am, obviously, but... Yeah. Anything that is relevant to your fucking yapping. Oh, dude. And it's like, yeah, well, then I bought this. Like, they remember everything. Yeah.

You could... They could be like oh they'll remember when they bought a place that are for a barbecue they threw 15 years ago yeah yeah let me tell you tj maxx yeah yeah all three down there to the left and the details they say yeah details southerners use well they don't get the podcast you know what i mean so they're spilling it they're spilling it they're podcasting all day yeah yeah they're fucking texan lift yeah yeah yeah they're probably recording it they're probably like this is a good cast yeah it's like an npr lesbian fucking falling asleep just god shout out lesbians dude there's a lot of lesbians down here yeah dude this is where like it's a lesbian hub yes because it's yeah safe it's

a koi fish pond i don't know if they just like they just come in like a small area and makes more of them no but it's like the thing the reason it's a lesbian i love you not laughing at that no actually the reason i'm not saying it was a good joke but just for you to go no that's actually not what it is i'll tell you how the lesbians got here dude i think the reason it's a lesbian hotbed is because it's like they never go beyond the shadow of Austin. Yeah. You know what I mean? They're like the little dog next to the big dog.

So they get to like bark at real cowboys, like the real men that live outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get to be like. Yeah, yeah. But like. It's like a coyote getting in your backyard. You can't at the lesbian towards all the outside of austin dude they get shot down no they don't want to be in real texas they want

to be in texas and they want to be they they skirt around the edges yeah yeah they probably go up into those little bluffs right there and they go fuck it yeah yeah they're still they're still trying to hang on to that they get to act like a cowboy like a cowboy. They get to pick up weaker lesbian chicks by looking like hard cowboys. Yeah. Dude, I fucking... Riding motorcycles and shit. No joke, I mean mugged a lesbian staring at my girl at the gym. Really?

Yeah, I got fucking hard. Because this one was... Wow. Full bull. This one was like transformational. Sorry. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't mean like

Yeah yeah Surgically I mean like This chick was like Fucking Yeah She was like a What do they call that

Like an intermediate species Yeah yeah She was like Yeah She was morphing Yeah A missing link She was a missing link

But she was trying to get to that next Layer to Fix the link That is equality, though. And I literally was, like, I looked at her and I was, like, I fucking. Yeah. Yeah. That's equality, though.

When, like, when you start having to, like, fucking chin check lesbians. Yeah. Get the, that's my chick. You have no idea. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I'll make you a dainty lady again. We love lesbians.

You'll be wearing high heels. Stephon loves lesbians. No, I do. it's not the point the point is stay in your lane i'm trying to figure out my lane yeah dude i'm still dressing like i'm city slicker and i it's not working what do you mean it's not working i'm never gonna change but like the bar we went to cheesesteak egg roll bar bar was like honky tonk oh really yeah i'm wearing a sheen fucking Phillies coat. Smelling like Macy's. It is weird going through saloon doors in that outfit.

Wow, wow, wow. Wait, you're feeling uncomfortable? Yeah, I feel a little... Are they high-end cowboys, though? No, no, they're all... That's why I don't feel... Austin's very progressive and fake in many ways but the people that you meet that are real are so wonderful yeah it's like a progressive youngness about like wanting to be something it's a way i talked about like white

girls moving from iowa or fucking midwest yeah to manhattan and then all of a sudden pretending to be a new yorker or East Coaster. Calm the fuck down. You're not that person. I know who I am. I'm never going to change. I can't fucking... I told Shane he looks great in a cowboy hat. I was like, wear that. You look

hilarious. But also damn good. He does look good in a cowboy hat. He looks good in a cowboy hat. He's got sheriff energy. My boy good in a cowboy hat. He does. Like, he's got sheriff energy. My boy, Mike McGuire, shout out Heifer, my boy Heifer from Delco, sent me this,

I didn't know where it came from, I thought it was a fan, it sent me this, like, like, Texan shirt. Like a Tony Hinchcliffe shirt. It's black and has rose gold, thick embroidery around, like, the shoulders. That's nice. It goes down here, thick embroidery around like the shoulders.

That's nice. It goes down here. It's got the rose buttons. Dude, it's fucking beautiful. Yeah. I got it on a hanger. I'm like, I can't. You're going to get there.

I want to get there. It's not that I want to get there to be that person, but I want to appreciate the culture. Yeah. But not embody it because I can't embody it. I don't want to embody it. I just want to have fun. Dude. Right?

It's like St. Patrick's Day. That's why you dress up like a fat, freckled lady. Yeah. Just have fun for a day. Yeah. Yeah, Cinco de Mayo. I'm not going to dress up like a fucking Mexican. Yeah, you are.

Get a sombrero? No, dude. Dude, you're going to get into nice, cowboy chic. I think I'm, dude, I mean, I wear fucking Chelsea boots. Chelsea boots are city cowboy boots. That's all it is. Chelsea boot is a city cowboy boot.

I don't mind the cowboy boot idea. You can't just shift. I know. All you need is one event where it's appropriate to dress cowboy chic yeah when i blow my brains out at the mothership i'm just dressing full cowboy there's one like i don't know some type of a wedding-y type situation down here that you go to yeah it's gonna be you're gonna have an excuse yeah to buy that shit and once you put it on yeah you're gonna have a hard time taking it off i'm afraid you're gonna have a hard time dude it is the ring because it's like yeah i don't know i felt that way i felt that way with tony when i

was seeing from afar just seeing him dressed that way like the couple times that we would come down here i was like i mean that's nuts kind of looks sick dude he looks good it depends like you can it is fun alter it to your shape and style if you do it well yeah looks good yeah dude looks good i yeah i would go with like a full blue jean outfit yeah i just can't full denim i can't i can't reiterate enough how how happy i am and how wonderful this oh it's great we got past the club yeah we're in at the club we're in the club that's nice i think i think i still don't believe we are i still don't believe it but we're sending in avails everybody's that's that's nice. Been so wonderful. It's so peaceful.

Food culture, dude. Also everything being central lot, like, like there is, it is sick that New York has all the boroughs and different little pockets and everything. But like the fact that everything's kind of just in one place here is nice.

I will say the, I think like an eye-opening experience was like the South By, Southwest. Yeah, also city totally changed today. That's what I'm saying. Yeah. So we got comfortable for like five days and then South By came in and it's just like the wave of,

I was like, oh, fuck this. Yeah. And then it's res like the wave of, I was like, Oh fuck this. Yeah. And then it's resettled in the last couple of days and I'm like, Oh yeah. Again. Yeah. Yeah. So that's only once in a while. That's, that is the thing.

I mean, I, I totally am the white chick that's been in New York for two weeks. I went like, finally a fucking city back. Yeah. Yeah. No, no more Black Matters, I guess. Yeah. Really driving around and they're like,

Jesus. They'll line for coffee. Thank you, Christ. Finally gave Floyd the statue. Now we can all calm down. Dude, it was madness, man. No, it sucked. It sucked. But also also we just had to go to a club or

a bar but then like six street which is normally pretty wacky was like yeah yeah it's like vegas meets nashville meets louisiana everyone's got like a pop-up like content machine going you know what i mean there's like a light with cameras just somewhere yeah like just talking to people on the street people are fucking wasted i saw some dude rapping like on a on a roomba some dude like it was like a he was just rotating you ever see those like rotating like selfie things like something that comes out like sushi comes out on like no i did it for uh uh this is not happening so you know the promo where

you're circling yeah yeah so you stand still and then a camera and light rotates around you and takes a 360 video of you and you have to stay still with like a a reaction yeah so some producer or director will be like based on your personality like do this so you're just like like you just make a face for a while yeah yeah depending on your comedy yeah and then you see the photos you're like who the yeah who the fuck was i delete it all yeah i don't even want to be on the show it's the gayest thing ever. It's like fucking getting a headshot and going, yeah, these are great. Oh, dude.

I'm going through that just looking at glassware. Dude, I did headshots twice or three times in the last ten years. And people keep busting my balls because these fucking the bookers just look for online photos.

Yeah, yeah. And they'll take the first headshot I ever had like 12 years ago, 11 years ago. And it's like, no, I've had more. I just refused to ID the ones I like for the photographer to touch up. Yeah, yeah. You need to just like let someone else make all of those decisions, I think. Yeah, agreed. someone else make all of those decisions. I think. Yeah. I will never possibly be able to

pick a photo of myself and go that's the one. They won't believe this. I've never seen an episode of our podcast. They won't believe this. I've never seen a full episode. Like watched a full episode, yeah. Of any podcast. Really?

I've never watched a full podcast of anybody ever oh man ever what i will entrench myself with is con comments yeah yeah which is probably worse definitely yeah so i will read comments and such but i can't even i just, like the thought of it. The look at dish videos are the only thing I consume. And even that, I get nervous. Our producer sent the last look at dish that's coming out this week. I was like, I'll get to it, I'll get to it. And then I sit down, drunk and happy, and I go, I can't possibly ruin my mental state right now. Looking at my own stupid fucking face.

Judging whether or not this is good. Yeah can't it's so painful i do think that that's like i feel like that's like some thing i need to get over yeah no shit like i'm not saying it's healthy to be able to like sit and objectively look at yourself but then it's like even that feels like a fucking insane headspace to be in to be like watching your own shit going like okay yeah dude going home and watching stand-up comedy to me is the most insane and mental fucking process i feel people that do that are crazy yeah i think that's just putting on another person just go i'm gonna watch an hour i i i got into doing that in new york because i wasn't doing it enough i get no i get what's nice what's nice about being down here is like we're more in the soup i like watching stand up

i've done more shows in a week than i've done in a year yeah this is fucking awesome yeah we have a i love the idea of the new material show yeah yeah yeah i think that's what we should do with the show that we were offered yeah it's like just do new shit just new shit yeah and fuck around yeah i love the idea of fans buying tickets to watch seven people die on stage yeah it is fun sadistic yes from their perspective yes and that's the best part it's. That's the only thing I loved watching live comedy. Yeah. You just go watch some dude, you're like, this guy eats it every time

he doesn't know it. He's fucking crazy. Yeah. Going on stage, dying, and there's four comics in the back going... You can hear the comics laughing at you. Yes. It's a fun... It is a fun way to die. To be honest.

No. When it's bombing. Dude, if Colm goes out there and goes, this is a brand new material, or whatever he does. Yeah, yeah. That's a brand new material. He's going to milk his intros. Yeah, he's like fucking Vinnie Brand at Stress Factory.

He's going to do 30 minutes in between each bit. No, it's like fucking vinnie brand and stress factor he's gonna do he's gonna do 30 minutes in between each bit no it's like it's like a nice thing about him that he like loves to talk but it's like i know before you go on stage when you're like panicking you know what i mean when you're like ah fuck yeah that's gone you're like trying to think of like new stuff to say like you genuinely like even the sets i'm doing now i'm like there's i gotta i can't i can't do these jokes anymore. And he's just like, he's talking about anything. Yeah.

Anything. And you're like, dude. Well, this is the consistency thing. You're getting three to five sets a week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be on the road on the tour. That'll fade. Also, let's shout out our tour dates.

Oh, yeah, dude. We got the tour begins. The tour begins. The tour begins in April. April 4th, We're going to... April 4th, we're in Houston at the Riot Comedy Festival. Yep. Then we got a show in our hometown of Austin, Texas.

That's on... The 11th. Hold on. Now, we're at Addison Improv on April 10th. Yep. Back in Austin at the Creek in the Cave on April 11th. Yep. So go to our website, stuffislandpod.com, for the ticket links.

And come see us. We're going to have merch. We're getting new merch. Oh, yeah. We have a tour shirt being made, which is kind of sick. That's sick. Yeah. Yeah, dude, we're doing it. We are doing it.

Thanks to you, Chris. I want to say that publicly. I really do, man. I genuinely, you've made my life better in that way. I was very afraid of all this stuff. I'm very happy. I'm very emotional. It's crazy.

No joke. I think I could cry right now. I'm super fucking happy. I'm glad it's good. Yeah. Because the last week, I was like, if we go down there. Everything before this. I was like, dude, I was looking at burial places for you.

Harrison was not that far from Texas, yeah? The last week, I was like, man, this place better not suck for us. Otherwise, dude, if you were having a miserable time, my life would be hell. You'd wear a ski mask to hide all the bruises, dude. You'd be so swollen. Just walking around in football gear. You'd be like Rocky Dennis from Mask. That giant fucking Easter Island head.

It's getting raked. Oh my God. That's going to be a nice moment for me when you put the cowboy stuff on. I'll put the shirt on for a pod. Yeah. You're going to rock it out. I'm just going to have a nice moment for me when you put the cowboy stuff on. I'll put the shirt on for a pod. Yeah. Problem is it's getting real hot. I'm just going to have to lay it over my...

I'm going to wear it next pod. You might look crazy. You have huge arms. You might look insane in one of those shirts. I'm getting big in the tits these days. Dude, I feel very healthy. I'm eating more. You are?

Yeah. You eating three squares? Huh? Three squares yet or no? I'm getting like two and a half. Two and You are? Yeah Eating three squares? Huh? Three squares yet or no? I'm getting like two and a half Two and a half? Two and a snack? Not as much

Two and a snack? Can't do it I don't know Well full of shit of your asshole Yeah, yeah No, I'd say I'm doing enough The anxiety is receding

And you're actually putting some meals down Yeah And sleeping Yeah So fucking fun You hear birds and stuff out there? Oh, do you have the grackles? I can't believe you haven't been over yet.

You don't really love me. Dude, do you know what they call it? What? You don't love me. I do. You haven't been over. I want to come over. I'll come over tomorrow.

Look at him checking his email. No, I was looking at... Trying to tell him to come over. I would come over. He goes right to his phone. No, I want to... The grackles are driving me nuts. I love the grackles.

They go... They fight, dude. They fight like motherfuckers. Grackles are what I miss about West Philly. I'm not going to make that racist, but... Dude. The grackles have replaced... Do you know what the grackle nickname is?

What the fuck is it called? I can't say that. Dude. Oh, where the fuck is it? What are you looking up? I'm looking up Grackle nicknames. Why? Because there's one that's like...

Dude, the Grackle, I said this to a guy who's from here in an Uber, and I was like, what are those? I went, look to your right. What's that bird call? It looks like a crow and a robin. Yeah, yeah. It's like a dainty crow. It's very pretty.

Yeah, it's got a little blue in there. It's got a little navy blue. Yeah, it's got a sheen blue, navy blue against the black. Really long, beautiful tail. Incredibly beautiful. And they do this like TV just shut off. Like, I don't know what it is yet, but it's fucking unbelievable. And yeah, I got them.

Yeah. I got mosquitoes. Are they active at night? Because I don't know. No. Nah. Damn, what the fuck was it called? Busy breaking in the.