Stuff Island - Dinklage or Donuts w/ Jessie Johnson - Stuff Island #111

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Jessie on IG: https://www.instagram.com/jetskijohnson/?hl=en Go to rocketmoney.com/stuffisland and cancel unwanted subscriptions today! To get 15% off your next gift go to uncommongoods.com/stuffisland Go to drsquatch.com/stuffisland to buy 3 and get 3 free! Go to meundies.com/stuffisland for 20% off plus free shipping Visit auraframes.com today and get $30 off their best selling frames with the code “STUFFISLAND” Support the show and get 10% off your first month of therapy at https://www.betterhelp.com/STUFFISLAND Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. This is our first Zoom morning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just going to do a whole drive time episode. I forgot my fucking sound effect. Jesse, how are you?

In the morning. God. This is... Did you guys get your Spotify playlist thing today? Wow, kicking it off hot. What the fuck are you talking about? I don't even know what it's called. What the fuck are you talking about?

This is the first person I've talked to outside of the barista. This is my first words today. It's not even that early. But we can't drink. I'm not drinking. So, you know, it's just going to be awkward. No whiskey in there? No, I wish.

I don't have hard shit at the house anymore. No? No. When did you make that decision? I feel like maybe a while. Six months ago. Really? I haven't had any hard shit.

I drink wine. Oh, that's like probably right after we just saw each other. Probably. Yeah, you probably. That inspired. Yeah, that night in Portchester we just saw each other. Probably. Yeah, you probably. That inspired. Now you're poor Chester. We were park benching. Wait, what city was that?

I tried to fight a lady over shuffleboard. What city was that? It was poor Chester, New York. Yeah. Oh, yeah. And we were park benching. Yeah, we were park benching people. I don't remember this. I was there. Yeah, yeah. And we were park benching. Yeah, we were park benching people. I don't remember this.

I was there. Yeah, yeah. Cool. You were sitting in the bar like, and then I kept talking to you. I was like thinking I was bothering you. And you were like, no, I'm having a great time. Damn. I was going through something.

Yeah. At least I was nice. You were here in front. I do have a pretty good ability to to be nice when inside everything is hell yeah yeah yeah you shut down a little more and i just fake it yeah i throw on a face and i go completely quiet yeah i like it i go completely at least i can read that you know yeah it's also just like yeah that's a big thing it's just like there's sometimes it's like i don't want to say anything yeah i don't want to be

nothing to say yeah i don't want to say anything don't make me say anything yeah yeah i'm gonna treat one day one day this week is just like liar liar and i'm everything everything comes out of my mouth is going to be pure honesty you're going to hear all the hell in the background of my mouth is going to be pure honesty. You're going to hear all the hell in the background of my life. Yeah, like rumspringa or something? How's it going? My relationship is shit. It's like, sir, you want coffee or no? I'm just telling the barista.

No, I'm having a great relationship. How are you doing? Are you enjoying your time in New York? I'm loving it. I have to stop drinking liquor too. Yeah? Yeah. You You little wild girl? We just kept whacking out. Yeah, that's the point. But I'd wake up and my clothes

would be folded. I've been in hotels a lot and I'd wake up and my suitcase was packed. You're doing chores wasted? I guess. It never got unpacked? No, it's just packed. It was unpacked when I left.

And then when I woke up in my hotel, I'm ready to go. The worst rehab story ever. It's like, yeah, I didn't drink and I kept doing chores. I kept cleaning my house. No, I'm sober. My life's a mess. I wake up, all the dishes were clean. I didn't know what the hell happened.

Damn, that rules. Well, we partied pretty hard with Brian Regan in Philly. Was that Philly? Oh, yeah. He puts down, dude. Regan gets fucking blocked out. He's a fun time. Yeah, but he's also one of those guys who'll go so hard,

and then at like 11.45 be like, bedtime. Yeah. And then you're just stuck yeah you're like fucking wasted yeah you're like i'm not going to sleep i can't try yeah we like yeah he just like hit the ignition and went back to the hotel and then me her and santino were just like rocking around the city you know he made me go back which was good because i was so i've never been that drunk in my life and then we had to i had to wake up at like 6 a.m to get on the on the car to go to new york yeah that was

the last time i was here so it wasn't as good of a trip because i was hung over the three days we were here yeah it's true i mean i can't i remember a time where i didn't feel a little hungover. Yeah. That's not good. No, I mean, like, at least exhausted. Like, today, I'm not... I'm physically hungover. I'm stressed. I have a stress hangover. I almost had a panic attack yesterday. Yeah.

It's not from drinking. I'm drinking less. Yeah. But I'm drinking less and realizing there's so much going on in the world. I'm just filling voids of booze with problems oh dude yeah I think that's what happens right? we should have a drink right now

this is how it starts I'll get it tomorrow it is like a form of relaxation and when you don't have it you start just like spazzing when you took that week off a drink, like a year ago, that was crazy. Yeah. What happened?

You just have so much time in the day. Oh, yeah. Days are long. The day starts early. Yeah. And you go, it's only noon? Yeah. What do I do for another 10 hours?

And I was having like strain. I remember in the middle of the night one night i was like i need a fucking poem dude i need i need to read a poem yeah my mom is sober now and she's like really into astrology yeah maybe you could try that you gotta fill your time with something yeah i could see i mean a lot of comics that get sober they jesus christ you imagine i would start doing coke just to fucking... Just Mercury's in retrograde? Why get into astronomy and not astrology?

Wait, why not get into astronomy instead? Astronomy is just stars. Astrology is crazy bitches. Astrology is the crazy one. Astronomy is the one that's... She's in astronomy, not astrology. No, no, astrology. Okay.

She reads my chart anytime I have a big day coming up day coming up or, like, an audition or something. I'll be like, hey, can you run my numbers? And she'll read my chart and be like, it's looking really good. And I'm like, oh, thanks. Is it ever bad? It's never bad. Not for me. There might be, like, oh, it says you should call your mom more.

Yeah, yeah. It's never like, do not go to that audition. Never. She also never runs your numbers. She's not like, ah, yeah, looking great, hon. Don't kill yourself. She'll tell me like, oh, this is a day you should maybe stay inside more. Or she'll say, like, there's certain things here and there,

but I can't tell if it's because she's good at astrology or if she just knows me so well because she's my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know that I've seen it online a bunch? It's like when a guy asks their parents. You'll see like a text exchange when it's like, yo, what's my exact birth time and location? Yeah. And most of the responses are like, get away from that fucking girl.

I've seen that. My mom did it because I didn't know that was a thing. This is before I saw that online. I was hooking up with this girl. This is a couple years ago, a few years ago. And I had no idea. And I was like, mom, what was the exact time and place of my birth? She goes, get rid of that.

She literally said, don't stay with that girl. Yes. She's like, have fun. Basically, she's like, have sex. Get the fuck out. Do not hang out with that woman. So your mom's probably great in bed. Yeah. Basically, she's like, have sex. Get the fuck out. Do not hang out with that woman. So your mom's probably great in bed. Well, she's sober now.

Takes the edge off a little bit. No more acrobatics. Yeah, dude, it's just relationships are hard enough without someone bringing like a metaphysical element into it. You know what I mean? Yeah, but it's also easier. I think it's more like there is a uh other side of that coin where it's like religion religion is a nice safety net

of going it's another kind of religion right yeah yeah it's in somebody else's hands you know yes it makes you feel like there's an excuse for your actions or maybe you know i'm a piece of shit but this is what god intended yeah he has a plan for me yeah it's not roy rogers at the moment but who knows what's around the corner yeah but it's not a good road map because because you need if you're need if you're trying to think about what's going on with you and why you're feeling the way that you're feeling thinking about the stars and where they are is not a good answer you know what i mean yeah it's gonna lead you down a dark path i'm gonna get her to do your charts yeah well you know what i'm actually interested in is who writes those things what the charts

or just like do you ever like have one of those books where it's just like a it's like a whole thing on just like what like aquarius is or sagittarius and it's like you read it and you're like this is like crazy it's just creative writing i know but it's like the bible no one really said any of that stuff i know but like this it's my fucking biggest hangout with history dude we were just talking about this watching like a history historical biography or something and they're like and then john adams turned to walter and said quotes and it's, how the fuck do you know that? Yes.

No, he didn't. He didn't say that. You're just trying to make it fit your little agenda. Dude, that is my favorite. There was like the Ken Burns Civil War documentary. And Shane used to do a bit about it. But it's like they quote soldiers yelling at each other. Yes.

Like on the battlefield. Oh, Shane had a bit about this? Yeah. I kept telling him. I had no battlefield. Oh, Shane had a bit about this? Yeah. I kept telling him. Dude, it was so funny. He stopped doing it because he felt like it never worked right. But I thought it's my favorite joke. Because they would be like, and then the Rebs yelled back.

They said, well, screw you, Yanks. We're going to give you what for. There's no fucking way that a dude who's never doesn't know how to read that's the guy on reference that's the guy yeah yeah shelby foot pretentious motherfucker shelby foot that whole documentary his name is shelby foot yeah i'm fucking angry angry right now he has he has uh and he talks like he had like a southern draw right yeah my favorite my favorite shelby foot quote is there's it's right before the battle of gettysburg and he's like he's like there's two confederate soldiers and they're sitting on the wall and uh you know there was a night before the big battle and then they saw they saw a rabbit

and the rabbit ran and one of the soldiers said to the other, say, hey, rabbit, if I was a rabbit, I'd run too. And then Shelby goes, so it wasn't all gallantry. It's just like, there's no way that happened. Can you imagine how fucking insufferable that dildo is in a bar. That's literally That reminds me of that time Shut up. There falls a hair odd run to Just hate people when people have that like

Documentary voice all the time. Oh, yeah. Like trying to fake smarts. It's like, dude, this is not a library. You're not teaching students. Yeah. Just be a normal fucking person. I like to see as dumb as possible.

That would be such an insane documentary to watch. Just every interview, this guy going, yeah, I mean mean I don't even know what happened just putting none of the polish on yeah just show the photos I don't know I read it somewhere but I kind of forget

this is neat look they're all bloated because they're dead what do you think they said to each other who knows fuck you just zoom in on a picture

here or something I got nothing. That is a great idea. You should just do history documentaries. Just say normal stuff. Why is the horse just as fat as the guy? That's weird. How long has he been sitting there?

Alright, what else? I thought that was pretty good. Thanks for having me. We should do mini morning ones Just morning coffee This is like our This is like the view You guys don't normally do this early? No

It's usually like Afternoon, evening kind of thing I get to go to the gym And activate my mind I get to talk to a few people and then I have a beer and then you feel like you're starting a night. Yeah, yeah. I like being on the morning show. Do you?

Yeah. Do you do a morning show in LA? No, just with you guys. Oh, okay. I like to say morning Tommy. Nobody else does, trust me. I feel like the hours of like eight to noon or me just like sweeping up like a broken glass of a personality who am i again yeah it usually takes till about 3 p.m you're like it's okay yeah it'll be okay right now i'm still in hell zone you like

memento way where was i yesterday? Let me look at the pictures. It's usually mile 1.4. Did I write myself a note for who I was yesterday? And then you wake up to, I got six or seven things to do today. Like what? We're designing a beer label. We're collaborating with a...

Yeah, we got a beer coming out. We have a lot of design stuff to do. I'm going to see Shane next week. I have to prep this whole house to get painted. Everything has to be moved into individual. Centering the room. I've got to get rid of all these fucking ACs. We've got to put all those downstairs.

We'll do it this weekend, actually. It's a lovely home you have here. Thanks. We like it. Christopher's upstairs. It's actually lovely home you have here. Thanks. Thank you. We like it. Yeah. Christopher's upstairs. It's actually happier now. We're much happier because when we're...

We're getting there. Yeah, we don't have to stare at each other when we're both going through our shit in the morning. Yeah. Although that part I liked. Did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to be down here all the time. Just mope down here. You too? Thank God. You should get a fire pole. You can just down here all the time. Just mope down here. You too? You guys should get a fire pole. You can just slide down in the morning. We should.

We should just get a tin can telephone. We should make a swirly slide out there for the summer. It would be sick to have a fireman's pole out there. I want to get a pool this year. Yeah? I talked a lot of shit about it last year, but I think I want to get a pool this year yeah i talked a lot of shit about it last year but i think i'm gonna get a pool like a hot tub for the back yeah you can get like a four feet tall like an actual uh that's funny i can make that joke because i would do yeah it's not deep enough for me to dive for my my diving sticks yeah i just want to do something

i love playing in a pool yeah me too i grew up in arizona yeah oh did you yeah yeah we'd dive and i had a big rock that i would just hold on to and sink to the bottom you ever do stuff like that i know but i always wanted to every surf documentary has the guy like holding a stone and running on the water. That was me in my suburban home. Arizona's so weird. Hey, I'm sitting right here. It's nice for,

you know, it's got beautiful people around the campus, obviously hotties. Yeah. It's great for golf and then they're fucking extremely weird people.

You just hang out at the colleges? Well, it's called fishing, huh? No, Arizona, yeah, Arizona is just so epic. Because we grew up on the East Coast, so going out there feels like crazy.

I feel the same coming out here. I'm like, how do you guys live here? Yeah, it's overwhelming. It's scary. This is the scariest place I've ever been. Dude, you're like a Nickelodeon cartoon. I know, I'm like, the big city is Yeah, it's overwhelming. It's scary. This is the scariest place I've ever been Just cuz there's so many people yeah, and it's like hard to know Where I am at most times and yeah how to get to the next place. I have to go I Mean three I had three shows last night which was awesome to have but it was like figuring out how to get to each one it's just overwhelming and then i like smile

at people on the street and then they'll just like yeah that's fucking weird that'll get you in your house unpacking your suitcase naked that's uh yeah but they say in la people are fake but i'm trying to be myself here, and people are like, be fake. Don't be what you are. Too much. Yeah, no, we assume that you're sad and angry on the inside, so we just are like, be that. Anytime someone's genuinely happy, we're like, bullshit.

It's such a turn-off. Cut the shit. Yeah, that chick's annoying as fuck. Yeah, I've gotten that a lot no but everybody's ordering a coffee everyone does seem pretty um sad well it's also the time of year i was gonna say the seasonal change takes a little bit of time daylight savings it takes a little bit out of your soul for a bit it It's crazy. And L.A. is like that, too. It's pretty soulless there, too.

Yeah, oh, God, that's the worst place in the world. Yeah. I fucking hate it. I don't know, I kind of like it. There's parts I like. Santa Monica I like. What I like about New York, though, because L.A., I'm just doing stand-up, so I'm just at the places I'm doing stand-up,

and it's kind of been the same in New York, but because you have to take public transit and walking, you see a lot more people outside of the club. So it feels like you're more in the world than just going in a club. Like the club, the car, yeah. Yeah. I got to get a car this year, too.

Yeah? Yeah. Where would you go? Finally. The beach? Beach and home. I can go home a lot. This is what I talk about in the morning.

You're going to sell that car in a month. No way, dude. I'll go to the beach twice, three times a week. I can go home. I've always wanted to go home. No, you don't. I talked to my mom for 30 minutes. I'm like, I got to get out of here.

But you can drive away really fast. It wears off so quickly when you go home you're like i miss my parents i really miss them and then you get in there and she's just in your face oh yeah just eight hours straight i can i get you something no mom i'm fine i'm i'm gonna go to and i have to go to like applebee's because there's nothing out by them i'll just sit at applebee's you know these country bumpkins. Yeah. It is crazy where it's just like, I remember my childhood as mostly being like happy.

And yet every time I go home, like after day three, everyone's just arguing. Yeah, of course. And that was what it was the whole time. And for some reason that was like, okay. Yeah. And there's no one there. It's just my parents bickering about everything.

Gee, where's this? Yeah. And then she's yelling from downstairs what yeah and then they're begging me to eat something that i don't want to fucking eat i can't i can't hide anywhere yeah no they've won television it looks like a cell phone on a wall from like 50 fucking feet yeah it's like who's watching tv on this and every time someone like yeah. My mom and my dad are always pulling me aside and just being like, she's losing her mind. Yeah. All they do is talk shit on each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just quietly like, you know, we got to figure it out.

And you're like, I think you guys are the same as you were 30 years ago. A hundred percent. As soon as I walk in the door, my mom tells it. Rats set my dad out on a story that's embarrassing for him. Because he's always on her ass busting her balls all day long and she never gets a win so she tells me and then i fucking i go hard at my dad he's like son of a bitch she just tells me four or five stories about how stupid

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And they're not too manly You know what I mean? Yeah You know when you get insecure and buy Somebody just did this Actually my girl bought Shane a candle When we were in Austin And it's the perfect amount of manhood

In the candle It's not like Free cotton It's not like It's not shit your mother. It's not like shit your mother drilled into you from bath and body works. One of their scents is pine tar.

It's the most manly... I can't stop bringing a baseball bat in the shower. They're still together though. That's nice. Is it? You guys keep talking about how hard your loving families are. They just want to get me stuff All the time

It's so annoying Yeah No I don't want breakfast again Oh you know how he's saying I'm going to Applebee's Son of a bitch That's all you hear Just whisperings

Son of a bitch No they're like roommates You know they're not They adore each other But they're not Yeah my dad's remarried And him and my stepmom, they fight all the time in a loving way. My dad will go, when she leaves the room, yes, dear. Yeah.

That's his like. Yeah. That's him getting the last word. Sick. Yeah. Yeah, we look at each other like, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe in divorce for if they're really bad when they're raising kids

and we never saw they weren't they were great growing up so you don't think they should get it now you get to a certain point what are you gonna do what would you be like who's gonna talk on my dad's penis who would you choose huh who would you choose oh jesus a bullet that'd be funny if they still made you two that's a good question they sit you down I think growing up I would have chose my mom because I was the baby and she took me everywhere and my dad was abusive but when I got older once I got to college

I started becoming close to my dad so I would go and then my mom was just bad shit crazy so I would just go back and forth you know trying to get as much as i can out of each one that's what kids do when they're divorced right they're spoiled little fucks trying to take advantage of each parent separately and i didn't i didn't do that i was more like um i had to adapt to each set of rules because i'm a people pleaser yes so it's like when i go to my mom's

house i'm like okay we can do this this this but don't do these things I go to my mom's house, I'm like, okay, we can do this, this, and this, but don't do these things. And then at my dad's house, it was like the reverse, which is why they got divorced because they can't agree on anything. So it's like two completely different childhoods. Did they talk shit on each other when you got there? It's like your mother's a fucking maniac. She's looking at the stars and judging people. No, because she didn't get into that until way later. It's funny.

They kind of flipped because my dad is Wiccan, so he was into astrology when I was a kid what's wicked uh sorry i probably shouldn't tell you guys i don't want to scare you let's go first of all start with this shit that's eye of a newt that's eye of a newt stuff well what is that from he makes stews yeah no he's he's a really unusual guy. There's no one else like him. Guess what, lady? You got the gene. Oh, yeah. No, okay. Just in what he does, he's a drummer first, grew up in a tiny desert town, Casa Grande,

like nobody around, and then is a drummer, and then moved to the big city of Phoenix, met my mom, had a kid, then wanted to get a real job, got a degree in aerospace, and over the course of a 30-year career became a rocket scientist. Oh, shit. While drumming the whole time in Irish rock bands. That's hell. I think right after the divorce is when he started becoming pagan or Wiccan,

which is super into Celtic stuff. He loves Lord of the Rings. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. So Wiccan's just like you dress up with your friends and go Lord of the Rings. Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. So Wiccans just dress up with your friends and go to a park. Yeah. Dude.

A lot of church service in public parks. That's hilarious. It's like when a pack of virgins dress up for Civil War reenactments. Dude, that shit's fun. To watch? Dude, I went to a LARPing thing once. Oh, yeah, LARPing.

Why? How hot was this girl? No, we just went there to like film something. It was early in comedy, and we went there to just like film a thing. We were just going to like walk around and talk to people. Dorks in the wild. Dude, it was crazy. Dude, you would I I'd find one guy not following

through hard enough to make it realistic and it would take me out of no no cuz you just go over there cut him down yeah you can like if you're if you don't like someone you can literally just go kill the game. It's so fun. Anyway, your dad's like Dungeons and Dragons type shit? I want to hear more of Chris's laughing. I never got to participate, but it was just like, dude, it would be...

Give me the gear, it would be a bloodbath. You and Clay were filming something? No, it was me and Aaron Nevins and this kid, Quigley. Yeah. It was crazy. We drove like five hours through the night to like central PA and just like, we got there when everyone was waking up, they're like sleeping tense and they just get up and battle all day.

I would have no idea that you were in delor dude it's it's that is like many things it's like you get there you go that's what you think that's what you think and you get there and you go this shit i can't imagine like going to bed early trying to get a nice, and then dressing up and pretending to kill a bunch of other dudes in the middle of the woods. Dude. I mean, paintball and all, so maybe I'd get into it. Dude.

Yeah, paintball with makeup on. Yeah, dude. You could have a whole belt full of tennis balls that were painted to look like rocks and just peg people with them. I'm interested to see. I mean, that sounds pretty gay. It's so gay, good now it's incredible you get a big sword so i mean it's incredible i can't stop thinking about the astrology thing

it's like did you see that there's a documentary on netflix about this woman who just claims to be god oh man that sounds and what if she was she starts this cult and all these fucking weirdos they're all insane people, obviously. Yeah, yeah. And they're treating her as like the next lady god. Yeah. And she dies because she's drinking this tincture, which is silver. It's called a silver tincture or something like that, which a lot of people drink to.

It's like a healing. If you do it once in a while, but she's poisoning herself and her skin's blue. Yeah, I've seen a picture of a guy who's turned blue yeah and she she just she's an alcoholic yeah and they're drug addicts so they just smoke weed all day and get fucked up so this you just see this woman's demise like she's getting she's getting like cirrhosis or whatever yeah and she just drinks she's like that's need my medicine and they're all like mom needs her medicine there's no way she's going to pass or trans transition or whatever the fuck to the heavens and she died and they just kept this bitch in a blanket and she's just a mummified blue blue drug addict in the back room with all these like like imagine a crazy girl that's into the stars like they dress her

her bedroom up like a 13 year old girl and she's just a dead blue woman in a bed it's fucking great it's actually a great story though because it's fun this is too early for this it's so scary it's fun to watch these maniacs pretend that this woman is like the coming of christ they're just getting fucking ripped and high. Anytime I see something like that, there's always a piece of me that wonders if I could do that. Like get into it? No, just convince people that I'm God. There's enough people

out there. Where would I go? Arizona. Start there, dude. Tucson. There's a lot of people with too much time on their hands and they're retired and retarded. And on meth. A lot of people with too much time on their hands and they're retired and retarded and on meth a lot of meth helps don't quote me on that no true out of context convincing people you're god yes yeah yeah it's brain that's the key it's all brain rot that's why they're always fucked up and drugged up or they're just there's a couple girls that aren't even drinking and they're good looking. It's crazy.

And they're insane. They're like, they're clear. And their message are clear. What I'm trying to say is they're lucid with their messaging. And the way they're transferring like the message of this woman and how she is the next God. It's like they don't seem that crazy, but their eyes, this one doesn't blink at all, and she's just saying the craziest fucking shit,

and it's almost believable. Oh, dude. Because they're decent-looking girls. And when someone speaks, yeah, those people freak me out. No, dude, you gotta watch it. Someone speaking totally, it's like when you, you know. Have you seen that Twin Flames? No, no no that's a new documentary about a cult and they convinced they try to convince people that you have everybody has a twin flame out there and some people found their twin flame like their soulmate basically and so they use them as examples but

there's other people that say it's like they think their ex is their twin flame and these cult leaders are telling them to at all costs you need to get your twin flame back so one lady got a restraining order and went to prison because she just kept going after her ex oh my god this cult leader kept taking her money and saying yeah you should keep going a restraining order means nothing to your twin flame and you have to go back and pay this and they're paying them and they're making money and then they get people who do come together to also teach other people and they take half of their money and they ended up living in like a a compound and he said he was jesus yeah that's how this cult made money they had a podcast no way sold merch dude they would just they would have like a live stream and they're at the very end of her death it was so sad dude at the very end of her death she's like still up and talking and

she they roll this piglet to it sorry i haven't posted in a while i've been blue dude they roll they roll this idiot up to a table and she's in the middle and she's like oh let's get started and she's like trying to fire up this spirit animal that's not real. And they look at the live stream. She's like, well, we only have seven people right now. It was really sad. Seven people are watching her podcast. That's the saddest part about it.

This is to somebody who's creating content. It's like, oh, seven people. You blew yourself yeah and it's like you know those seven people are just like kids being like i just found the funniest thing yeah of course on earth dude look at this it's live right now this is happening oh dude there's some alien talking about god i forget what it's called, though. That's incredible. If Jesus came back, could they be a woman?

Could it be a woman? I think he can do anything. He's God. Or they. Or they can do anything. Well, it's also not real. Wait. But if it was real.

But if, yeah. If there was a God that was going to come back? Yeah, no one would believe her. No, that's why. But every six months, there was a God that was going to come back? Yeah, no one would believe her. No, that's why. But every six months, there's a new camp with somebody saying they're God. So it's a good system. Yeah. Yeah, there's this guy named Robert Ike or Richard Ike or something who believed in reptilian shapeshifters and all these crazy conspiracy theories.

And he came out saying he was the second coming of Christ. Yeah. And then a month later retracted it. Yeah, he's like, my bad. I was feeling myself that day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was really feeling myself. Turns out I didn't have the HDMI cable plugged in.

That is so... I think you could just have... I don't think it'd be hard to prove that you're God. What do you mean? Oh, yeah, I guess I did. If you were actually God. Just do a little magic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why no one believes. But I think it's easier. We could do a cult. I could start a cult. I think I have the charisma and the falsehoods. You definitely could. And my cult would just be a normal cult. Like, everybody just fucks and gets drunk.

Well, if you go to those colleges, you could find you. Yeah. But your weakness is that eventually you get to those colleges, you can find you. Yeah, but your weakness is that eventually you get to a place where you go, this is wrong. I don't know. That would stop you. Some of these cults are just set up for a society that meets

their requirements of happiness and their societal norms, which are not the government's. And I'm not talking about Camp David or like these fucking gun maniacs. There's a lot of dudes out there just grow their ball hair out and knock around weirdos you know yeah but they don't stay they don't stay yeah because your people will come to you with problems at some point that you can't solve and then they're gonna lose trust in you yeah but i saw with an iron fist which is why this twin flame thing is brilliant. Yeah. That is brilliant.

To get money, you just got to get... Yeah. Wait, what are they, a consultant? What does the person do? It's like a relationship? The documentary showed them all over Zoom conferences, but they did meet up in person as well. So there were classes, and they would have to meet up throughout the week

for a certain amount of time each week. Oh, okay. And then they had to cut ties with all their family. So it's like a therapist or a psychologist where they're trying to tell you this is how you... Kind of like going to church. Like, I think it was more like having a teacher or some kind of priest or something. And you sign up to this class to get more information on how to find your twin flame. That's number one.

They found them on Facebook. They would, like, find desperate people on Facebook people on Facebook or desperate people would find the ads. And it was just this idea of like, we'll help you find your soulmate. Wait, you could put ads in Facebook that say like you used to in the paper? Like woman 25. Yeah, yeah.

Seeking man who likes Tootsie Rolls. It's also, I mean, it's like you look at Facebook, it's a sea of lonely people. You just pick one out. You isolate them from your family. You have them spend a bunch of money where it feels like they can't turn back. Canceling Facebook for me was one of the pivotal moments in happiness for me. Canceling it?

Yeah, I just stopped. You weren't paying for it. I stopped. Cancel my subscription. Never found my twin flame. I stopped doing it. And I was like, that helps a lot. I need to get off of that. cancel my subscription no I just never found my twin flame that fucking thing didn't work I stopped doing it and I was like

that helps a lot I need to get out Instagram is just you know you just post a photo and just fuck off Instagram's nice like people are nicer

there than anywhere else on the internet yeah Facebook is just hometown fucking zeros saying wild shit yeah yeah well that

it also yeah in like 2014 2015 it started to really go nuts. Yeah, all those parents are getting gone. Just with long screeds of things. I opened it on my birthday because it said I had to start getting all these messages. I forgot to turn off. Yeah.

And then I went to my notifications and I was like, whoa. And I read a couple messages and I was like, it is a drug. And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's click the fuck out of this. Yeah, yeah. What were they saying? One was sexual. Yeah.

So that's why I was like, let's see what's going on in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe I'll tune in a little bit. I should have been checking this. Yeah, and then just maniacs asking for show dates and commenting on our podcast. I've never posted that we have a podcast on Facebook. I should do that. That's a pretty sick drop.

Be like, yo, we got a podcast. Started two years ago. At some point, I turned on the feature that all my Instagram stuff goes to Facebook. Oh, right. I did that. Yeah. So every once in a while, I'll open in Facebook and be like, what the fuck is this doing on here yeah wait so i'm posting things on facebook every time you post on instagram it goes to your facebook yeah yeah oh same yeah i just don't want to keep posting it

so facebook owns instagram yeah yeah so it's a direct link to our Instagram? Yeah, yeah. Huh. Yeah. So you never really got off Facebook? Yeah, but I didn't do that toggle, because when I went on there, there wasn't all my Facebook stuff. Oh, yeah.

People just think I disappeared. He owns all of it. Zuckerberg owns all of it. It's the metaverse. You guys see those glasses that are coming out in December? No. They look really cool. They're just VR glasses,

but they're creating very realistic avatars now. Around you? Yeah. Like of you. It would look just like you in the universe. Okay, so there's an astrologist in Arizona. Yeah. And I put these glasses on. She meets me at this fucking...

VR bar. A VR bar? Yeah. And it looks just like her, and we put these glasses on She meets me at this fucking Our bar a VR bar. Yeah, and it looks just like her and we start talking. Yeah It's just Billy like us talking right now, except they haven't figured out how to make the whole body I'm sure it's about restricting dudes beaten off Let's hold off on the waste let's give it 10 more years let's leave the penises out of this VR game everyone's asexual until all the beta testing we can't control the erections

the data is just well the walking looks crazy there has to be a meeting about that going like how do we avoid the weirdness there's no genitals there's no crotch or they just do Ken and Barbie situation did you guys see the Barbie movie the weirdness. And they're just like, there's no genitals. There's no crotch. It is.

Or they just do Ken. Yeah. Ken and Barbie situation. Did you guys see the Barbie movie? I did not. It's great. You'd like it. It's a good, adorable question.

No, is it good? It's good. I liked it. I didn't see, I haven't seen that or Oppenheimer. I didn't see Oppenheimer or Napoleon. Yeah.

I haven't seen Napoleon. I gotta get going. Right now? No, I't seen Napoleon. I gotta get going. Right now? No, I gotta get going. Do you want? Looks like you're getting up. I haven't seen a movie in so long. What?

Like in theaters. Oh, yeah. I was gonna say that, but you were watching one this morning. You're fucking Siskel and Ebert. What were those two dudes? Yeah. What were their names? Siskel and Ebert.

Yeah, Siskel and Ebert. And then it was Siskel and someone else. Some lizard king. You see what happened to that dude? They cut his throat out. He had no chin. He was freaking crazy looking. They still paraded him out there.

Judge Al for some movie. Remember he got like throat cancer and they just cut off half of his face Yeah And he kept his job Guys I'm trying here Are you making this up No they did And it's crazy that's another one

That's up there with cult leader It's like how did you become the movie guy The popcorn guy What the fuck who's trusting these two motherfuckers i guess they just started it they're like no one's doing this i'm just cracking up because it's we're in a morning show so i keep thinking about the view and picturing you on that panel what are you bitches oh my god i don't know what are you guys normally talking about Oh, my God. I can't. They cut his throat out. I don't know.

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This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at BetterHelp.com slash Stuff Island. Now, back to the podcast. Yeah, we learned on Ian's pod yesterday, Peter Dinklage. You know Jeffrey Asmus? The comic? He's a very nice, funny... I think I might have met him last night

at the cellar. You probably did. Yeah, he's there. Very nice. Well, Dinklage apparently is an angry fucking dwarf drunk, which is hilarious. He's not invited to the pool party. Dinklage is just sitting there all like bothered

and like pissed off. And was it Sam Morrell? Who was introducing Dinklage to Asmus? Anyway, someone was introduced going, hey, this is Jeffrey Asmus. Peter, this is a very funny comic. Peter Dinklage picks up a wing and goes, huh, and throws a wing on his shirt.

What? Yes. Dinklage hits and puts a stain on Jeffrey's sweatshirt. And I was like, dude, I would have picked him up and roofed him. Oh, yeah. What does roof mean? Oh, you throw him to the roof? You throw him on a roof. I would have fucking grabbed him by his crotch

and his weird long hair and tossed him into a fucking... Tossed him through a barn door. Stuck on the top of the comedy cellar. I would have fucking stuck him to a wall. We could have park benched him. Like the pizza and breaking that. Yeah, yeah.

You would just lay down. You would just go to the park bench that guy. You would just lay down on your back. Dude, Dinklage tossing a wing at me I would be so pissed That's a crazy move You gotta move Dinklage But how did that

Was Jeff like scared of him? Yeah No What do you mean scared? That's like a move I might try that Yeah he's probably intimidated by it You guys ever think of doing that to somebody?'s like a method actor it's so powerful but it's you gotta be careful with that

yeah oh my god what i i especially when you yeah he told me that and i for an hour on our way home i kept thinking what what i would do to dinklage because it's fun to think like the options of what I would do to Dinklage. Because it's fun. The options of what to do to a dwarf are limitless. Yeah. You can do anything with it. That's the biggest problem. It's a target-rich environment. You don't know what to do.

You clam up, you bitch. You bitched out on Dinklage? Yeah, you can't do nothing. I just didn't know if I... One great idea is like, all right, now you come with me. You pick them up and take them all the way to Jersey. Drop them off on the other side of the river.

Just put them down. Now you're fucked. You'd be canceled, though. No. If you roofed him. HBO? Have you listened to this podcast? I think I'm fine.

Actually, it might help your numbers. Yeah, yeah. Threw Dinklage on top of a rooster. Threatened Dinklage with tossing him on top of a Pizza Hut. Dude. I could probably get Dinklage up to a Pizza Hut level. Definitely. How many chicken wings did he have left?

Yeah. Because he might have thrown him back at you. Yeah, it'd be nice if you could just pull them onto a trampoline and double bounce them. Double bounce them to outer space. My boys in college would rent a dwarf.

Remember that rent-a-dwarf company? No. I don't remember that. This is true. In college, my boys would rent a dwarf. Do you remember that? No.

Rent a dwarf? Yeah. I don't know what it was called, but rent a dwarf sounds pretty cool. I'm going with that. 888 dwarf. The dwarf would just, they dressed the dwarf in Velcro, and you'd toss them and stick them to a wall. Oh, yeah.

Like a Velcro patty. I've seen this. Now that you mention it. There you go, rent a dwarf. Yeah, they do it in fucking whatever that movie is all my boys in Westchester Leonardo DiCaprio the PA would they went to Wall Street that's where I seen it oh really yeah yeah yeah it was a thing early 2000s no my boys in Westchester University should do it different man. Let's bring it back. I'm old. We stick towards the walls back when I was in college.

You kids would never know what fun was. I wonder if Dinklage can even hang out in the dwarf community. If I was a dwarf, I would hate Dinklage so much. Because of his successor? Yes. Yes. You're not leaving any room for us, Dinklage? Yeah. so much. Because of his successor. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're not leaving any room for us, Dinklage. Yeah. You're taking all the jobs. Yeah. Stop giving this guy work. He's throwing wings at people. He's just so good at it, though. Yeah, there's no one checking him.

There's no checks and balances in Dinkidge's world he's never been backhanded for acting like that yeah and it's probably never been popped in the face and it's like dude he's good he's great he's good let's get let's get that out the man is a fucking let's call a spade a spade the guy can act the guy can act he He's so good. Which is why you get... You know what? I wouldn't do shit. I'd be like, I'm so sorry, Mr. Dinklage.

I know you're probably going through something. Would you like another chicken wing? Let me get you another one. I'm going to... It fell on the floor. I'm just thinking of the stain would get me. The stain. Even if I didn't do something, I'd go home and look at that stain and be like, Dinklage!

For days, I'd think about how do i get my revenge on dinklage where does he hang out where's the tiny homes in this area dude i even even though he's good anytime i see him in something i'm still like this guy again yeah how yeah i'm never psyched to see dinklage in something i like i'm never i just never am am. Such a hot take. I didn't know you were racist against dwarves, Chris. No, I want to see other dwarves. More representation. Give me a collage of dwarves.

That's got to be a sick job. Casting? I think they're doing a new... I bet the casting company already knows they're going with Dinklage. They're like, let's have some fun with this. Bring another one in! Look at this cutie!

They're doing a real-life Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They're filming it now. Dinklage is playing all of them. I don't know if that's true. But that's seven of them. I don't know if that's true. But that's seven of them. He's just having a wig. I thought none of them are dwarves.

He's going to play the prince. What is the world coming to? Is it AI? I think it's real life, and I think it wasn't going to be dwarves, but now it is. Oh, really? But I'm kind of guessing. They cave to public pressure. Yeah, I mean, you have to.

It's part of the charm. Yeah. If it's the fucking rock and Kevin Hart, I'll go fucking ape shit. Dude. That would be so funny. There's like 10 people that do all the movies and I'm tired of it. The rock as a dwarf though would be awesome. That's my point.

He's dark. God damn it. What is the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Chris, you take this one What's the message for kids? I don't remember Is this the one where She eats an apple

Yeah She does Doesn't a witch Doesn't an ugly ass witch get her to bite into an apple? Well, she used to be the fairest of them all Right Oh, the witch She used to be into an apple? Well, she used to be the fairest of them all. Right. The witch. Oh, the witch, yeah.

She used to be the hottest lady ever. Mirror, mirror on the wall. She grew up. She started drinking silver tinctures and doing drugs. Yeah, she started turning blueish gray for real. And then Snow White came out of nowhere, and then she has this magic mirror, and she's like, no, this lady's even hotter.

And then the witch was like, this sucks. And I think it was her stepdaughter too they were related or something snow white is yeah to this witch and she sent the baby away or something that's why she got raised by dwarves that's sleeping beauty she winds up with the dwarves first of all this was strategic to eat up 10 more minutes guys tell us about disney yeah how did she wind up with the dwarves? I think she wanted to be a stand-up comedian so she moved to Hollywood and she didn't have

enough money for it. She lived with these seven guys. The house they lived in was just the only open mic. In Nottingham Forest or wherever they are. Did you just fucking throw a wing at me? Oh, dude. Did you just throw a fucking wing at me? Get into it, yeah.

Come here. Come here! And he just scurries away. Come here! Oh, my God. He does. His arms look like... Up! Up!

Up! Yeah. Come here, take it! His arms look like that guy in, like, Mystery Science Theater 3000. Yeah. The little robot arm? They're just two slink. Yeah. The little robot. They're just two slinkies.

Oh, dude. I would... This is what I would do. Dinklage. I would sit that motherfucker on my lap and do my set using him as a puppet or he gets fucked up.

Yeah, yeah. So I say, I'm going to beat your fucking ass or you sit on my lap like a ventriloquist for this set. I would just I would stare at him and I would say if you were a real person, you'd have nothing.

Wow. Oh, I felt that. Live with that. Jesus. Live with that. If God didn't mush you, you would have nothing. Now clean my shirt.

Make yourself useful. This is New York. This is New York. Oh my God. If God didn't mush you. What a great way to describe a dwarf. God mushed him.

He just stretched us. I just can't say midget anymore. Yeah, he's a mush. If he hit me back with God didn't mush you enough, I would be... I'd have to get taken out of there on a stretcher. Dude, with a second

wing toss, God didn't mush you enough. Holy shit. Can we just make a five minute dinklage clip? Just a straight dinklage clip. Holy crap. You gotta get him on the pod. Yeah, I'll apologize quick.

I'm sorry, man. I was just trying to be funny. It was early in the morning. I usually don't do podcasts like that. I don't talk like that about small people. Chris called you a moosh. It was a bit. It was a bit. Dink.

Can I get you some wings, Dink? Dink. Little Dink Dink. You're much taller than I thought. Yeah. Wow. I definitely can't put you

on a pizza hut. What do you want to talk about? Keep this stool here. Do you have anything to promote? No. Oh, cool. I like that.

Well, go to my website, jetskijohnson.com. I'm starting headlines next year, so those dates will be for February but

that's great nice you still touring with that redheaded prick yes Santini my beautiful baby boy he's great

yeah he's the reason I got to be here because we were on tour we just did Chicago and it was so awesome and then he was gonna fly me back to LA

but I said can you please send me to New York and then he please and he was like I fly me back to LA but I said, can you please send me to New York? And then he, please. And he was like, I don't know. Come on. Yeah, and then I'm going to meet up with them in Minnesota on Thursday. Fuck yeah. It's going to be cold there, bro.

Yeah. You know what that prick said to me last time I saw him? We went to his birthday party. I heard it was really fun. Last month it was really fun. Yeah, what did he say to you? It was ping pong. As soon as I walk up to him, he goes, this is the fattest you ever looked. Whoa, just because it's his birthday? What do you do next? Throw a you say to you? It's a ping pong movie. As soon as I walk up to him, he goes, this is the fattest you ever looked. Whoa, just because it's his birthday? Yeah.

What do you do next? Throw a chicken wing at you? Crazy. This is the fattest you ever looked. I was like, fuck. Yeah. All right. He knew how to get to you.

Yeah. He's good at that. That's why I respect him. You got to talk bad to me. And I'm like, oh, I like this guy. He's the thinnest I've ever been. That's really what I said Nope Nope

You look fatter Yeah you look fat as shit It's only cause he's tall Yeah It's true That guy's getting too much too Great body You got a great body

Great frame You think? Yeah No? He's just tall Yeah but not a weird tall He's just tall. Yeah, but not a weird tall. He's like a proportionate tall.

You can come to some of these East Coast shows. I just want to see him again. His silhouette. Who else was on that show when I saw you? There was another person. Oh, no, it's just Bobby. Bobby? Chris was on it. It was you. It was Bobby? It was you.

It was Bobby. It was Chris. Holy shit. There was one other little prick I didn't like. You were there. Anyway, I'm glad we had a good time. We had a blast. I don't remember tabletopping people.

It's park benching. Park benching, yeah. Tabletop. Tabletop, yeah. It's regional. Anybody get pantsed? Pants, tabletop. You got to move.

Oh, my God. That's so humiliating. Your pecker comes flying out. That's up there with God didn't mush you enough. Yeah, do it. You have to go change schools. You get your pecker out and you get flopped over some dude on all fours. Dude. You guys know howcker out and you get flopped over some dude on all fours. Dude.

You guys don't want to live. Yeah, dude. You never got your you never got fucking pants and tabletop at the same time? No. But better believe

the transfer portal would be open. I'd be in the portal so fast. Did you pick your pants up? Just waddle over there? That's how we knew. That's how we knew the size of everybody's bird.

Just pants in them. The 90s was all about pants. 90s big pants in years. Yes. Pecker time. It was Zumba time. Zumbas. Zumbas.

Did you just fart by accident? No. Did you? No. I just heard. If I farted, you'd smell it. Ohumba's. You just fart by accident? No. Did you? No. If I farted, you'd smell it. Oh, Jesus. You would know. Her glasses changed color. They just start floating away.

Where we at? 55. Hell yeah. Cruising right along. I gotta go talk about donuts with DeRosa. Jesus fucking Christ. I know. Don't have it in me today. It's a food podcast.

You argue about food. But I sent him five or six things that I'm passionate about that I have interest in. Yeah, same. He goes, tell Chris that pig to send me his. And then you sent yours. And he goes, all right, Chris doesn't like this one donut. We're going to argue over donuts. He blamed it on you.

Really? Yeah. I sent him a list of 10 things, five and five. Were one a donut? I think I said I like donuts. And you said you don't like donuts? You put us in the shit. I said I don't like Italian pastries.

I thought that would be the whole episode. I was going to say Italians. I was like, no, Chris, food. Let's stick to food. It's Koreans. Jews, Italians, blacks. Peter Dinklage. Somehow I'm going to wrap Dinklage into our thing.

I'm going to make this our all Dinklage with DeRosa. Dinklage, bud. I'm like, you know who hates donuts? Peter Dinklage. I think he's going to be on my side. There's no way DeRosa likes Dinklage. Or donuts. Or donuts, for that matter.

Dinklage or donuts. Dinklage or donuts. I know you got your title for the episode. Well, Jetski, what's your fucking name? Jess. Whatever. Jess? Whatever. Well, Emily. Don't tag me in this.

Jetski, it was great to see you again. It was so nice to see you in the morning. I don't know if I will get this chance again. No, you won't. I'll make sure. I'm going to make sure we don't do this ever again. Get that? won't. And it was really fun. Yeah, I'll make sure. I'm going to make sure we don't do this ever again. Get that?

That's my fucking... Who the fuck is that? Is that Uber Eats? It's got to be Amazon. What are you doing tonight? The Stand-In Brooklyn Comedy Club. Sick. You want to be out there

bopping around with you? Yeah. Go bop. Last night. Yeah, yeah. Early? Oh, you're going to Minneapolis I should check in

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