Stuff Island - Dylan Carlino - Stuff Island #210

Episode Date: November 12, 2025

Dylan Carlino joins Tommy Pope this week for Stuff Island. Dylan can be seen on Netflix is a Joke, his podcast "feeling girlie" or online with his viral if I was a girl videos. Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians This month, don’t wait to reach out. Whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself, BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://www.BetterHelp.com/ STUFFISLAND Start building credit with Kikoff today, and get your first month for as little as one dollar. That’s 80% off the normal price when you go to getkikoff.com/STUFFISLAND today. Shop SKIMS Mens at https://www.SKIMS.com. Let them know we sent you! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. And if you’re looking for the perfect gifts this season - the SKIMS Holiday Shop is now open at https://wwww.SKIMS.com SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG:   / achrisoconnor   Follow Tommy on IG:   / tommyjpope  #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

that's a sick ring why do you more rings why you say little ring because it's like baby blue because you're big i'm not big you're big you're a big man you think so yeah and where well dude it's fucking 15 seconds in you're getting gay with me no i'm not getting gay at all this is going to ward off all the gay spirits no no i don't want to do gay things with you i just want to be friends yeah well you got a lot of making up the dupel I'm actively manipulated

I just want to have a sleepover Jesus Christ I just want to taste your tongue Why can't friends just taste each other's tongues? Yeah What are you six four? Six five Damn

Yeah What are you? Five ten and a half That's so six or five nine Um I I love him I swear by the half I think I'm five ten and a half

It doesn't matter It does It does Are you you're in a relationship Yeah yeah yeah yeah I always did well from my height What's average? What's average? What's that? Five-seven, I think. Five-seven's average for American men?

I don't know. I'm six-five, so I don't really. I can't even picture them. Josh. Josh hates looking shit up for us. Why? Oh, he doesn't do that. He hates it. Oh, he does my hot guys too. He just laughed. Yeah. Look something. Is there a computer? And I'll look over him like a couple minutes later. See if he has the answer. He forgets. He's like on Instagram. He's on his Instagram. Not giving a shit. Five-nine. 5.9. I said 5.9. Yeah, so I'm above that. Can I be honest?

What's, uh, what's, what's feet? I'm a 9. You're, you're size feet. You don't want to hear what I am. You're 14. 15. Jesus Christ. I know. It's sick. Are you cooking down there in Hogland?

It's not bad. Yeah. Yeah, we're doing a good job. Yeah, good enough. I've heard you're great. Just, yeah. Again, I do well for my size. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody loves the short king with a huge cock. Yeah. everyone does yeah yeah because you're kind of spiteful at the world you got an attitude but then you're what matters comes along yeah for sure and also it looks bigger yeah if you're shorter it looks bigger yeah but we're talking you know it's it's nice regardless yeah for sure it's not just based on you fucking you know he's got tiny feet for at uh right you know that just got a bad dick yeah i don't know man guys that look like that get like real aggressive with their with their dicks they they you know what i mean like they figure it out yeah oh no for sure i mean yeah right

they'll use four inches like a fucking drill bit pound pound the anger of the gender they get angry yeah they drool over the lower back whenever girl fell into their car she's like he kind of spit on me it was mostly drool

yeah I've done that to stop stop sex what drooled with a girl that I'm not having a good time with no I just like fake spit on her back for come oh that's amazing I'm gonna start doing that because I'm so stupid

I'm like her just make yourself coming he's disgusting but you can do it and then no just fake spit yeah and I have the little

gap in my teeth they can really squirted it out back of her neck yeah she's like whoa he's a shooter yeah no there's been some scenarios

where it's you know it's been a little like dumpster juice down there and I get so turned off I need to be you know pristine I bet if we had a picture

of everyone you've ever had sex with, you'd be real embarrassed. You think so? I think you'd have some real great outliers of hotties, but I think that you've had some dark nights of the soul. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I was a sex addict in my 20s. Yeah, oh, for sure.

Do you actually think you were a sex addict? Huh? You think it was a sex addict? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I would find anything to take home. Okay. And then when there's nothing... Just for like validation, because you wanted,

like, you didn't feel worthy of love? No, I just liked the feeling. Yeah. And I like the sexual... it's like hunting. Yeah. You know? But I don't think that's sex addict.

Huh? I don't think that's a sex addict. Well, what's a sex addict? I think you use sex to like numb yourself out and to like not deal with your problems. Well, maybe that's what I was doing. Okay.

Yeah, maybe I'm just not ready to say what you think you know. For sure, I was just trying to get deep. I didn't know what kind of pot. This podcast is like a surface level podcast. I love that. A surface level. God.

It is though. Yeah, it's just two white guys. talking about, you know, fake coming on ladies' backs. I'm half Italian. Yeah. No, I guess, yeah, maybe, maybe you're right. Maybe it was to numb myself. Yeah, you seem like you have a lot of darkness in you.

Yeah, because when I'm not next to a, you know, a girl with horns, I would just beat off four or five times a day. Really? Oh, yeah. Not still. Three. Three a day? Three men. Yeah.

I don't know. Maybe I'm getting old. but I really feel like I'm down to like if I come in the morning I'm like I actually now I can do art like I really and then at night maybe I can get another one going but I don't know I can't go to bed without beating off really yeah because it just releases

all the demons from the the afternoon sometimes I go I'm gonna save it for tomorrow that's fun you know what I mean like really get all charged up I really don't I'm not a huge save I'm pretty bad with money yeah I do frivolous spend it I never put it into stock Under the Manches.

By the way, you want to talk about you know, you want to deal with gross people? Save it for a couple of days. Your mind goes completely. You're like, I'll fuck anything. 100%. I'm like, I'll fuck a girl. Yeah. I think the most I went was like four,

five days because I was sick. Yeah. It's the only time I wouldn't beat off. Aren't those guys who are like, I don't beat off? Aren't they such losers? I don't believe it. I don't believe it either. No.

It's like one year either having wet dreams and it's coming up. Never had a wet dream in my life. Neither have I. Never once. One time I got goneria and I woke up with it coming out and I thought, Yeah, finally. Check that box. It was the wet nightmare.

Yeah. Meanwhile, there's blue Colgate coming out of your dirty dick. There's really nothing worse than Gunnery. It's like, it's like pumping out. It's so bad.

It's the one I dodged. Really? Yeah, I had to clap a few times. Does anything come out? No, it's just a pain and it hurts when you pee. Yeah.

But there's no, there's no ooze. No, it's like thick. It's like really getting thick. Oh, no. Yeah. Yeah, that's what, like, that killed soldiers in World War I.

Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I forget, sure you guys love talking about World War I. Wait, do I get the two? Sometimes this is so manipulative, but I don't want to hear about it, but I know they love to explain things, so I'll let men explain wars to me. Yeah. And then I just do that for 15 minutes, and I go like, I really did a good thing tonight.

Yeah, World War II and World War I, it's like background music on my television. I love, I don't remember anything. Huh? Which one do you prefer? Two, just for the footage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One, if they had the capabilities For technology to capture that

It's more interesting Because there's horses running through fucking barbed wire Everyone's wearing awkward helmets How far apart were they? 1914 And then 1945 Pretty close Something like that, like 30, 32 years?

No, is it really? I thought World War I was in like the 1700s Well, I got mixed up I don't know, that's an interesting question the start of World War I is Let's go That's one You just picked your fucking nose

No I hit it's that No you did and then you didn't even do one at ease It's dead You're a pig It's literally You're a pig September 1st Oh 39

Oh 45 is when we took over and ended I'm sorry it in 45 39 I fucking knew that That's a real piece of shit Two really close world wars. Yeah. No time off. Yeah.

That sucks. Yeah. Both. I got mixed up. Both went right to work. Right to work. I got mixed up Pearl Harbor in the Boston Tea Party. I thought they were the same thing.

I thought that Pearl Harbor was a reaction to the Boston Tea Party. That's hilarious, dude. I just didn't. I mean, I live my life that ignorant in many areas. Is it ignorant? It's like there's so much to know about it. It's like, oh, that's like saying like, um, I don't know the velocity and paint

It's like yeah someone knows it but I don't Yeah Viscosity? I don't even know what that word means Yeah I thought you said velocity yeah yeah Yeah of paint the speed of paint I only knew that word from Romney Michelle's high school reunion And I just messed it up How did you how did you make it this far?

I cheated all throughout high school and then my personality Yeah yeah good Same actually Yeah yeah yeah yeah How did you make it this far? You're an alcoholic you fucking drunk Are you joking? I got you a second bud like for me

Yeah, thanks. For me. Oh, God, that's great. Are you liking living in Austin? It comes and goes. I think we travel a good bit that I don't really get, you know, hunker down into the misery. Yeah.

And now that summer's over. It's really nice. It's fucking beautiful weather out. So that gives a piece, you know, peace of mind that I don't mind. And also the work is great. I love the mothership. Yeah.

I love the comics. Yeah. Got a great camaraderie and, like, a true grouping of, like, there's a hang here that I only had in Philadelphia before. Yeah. And it doesn't exist in New York. Yeah. Do you think it's some people in New York don't like him?

No. Everybody loves me. Okay, good. Okay, good. Just making sure. No, it's more along the clubs, like, they don't really have, like, you work, you have a roster for each club where, like, they have their set guys. They don't really meander.

There's no meet up. You get in trouble if you go to just more. Like, that's crazy. It's insane. I don't, that's the one thing where I think about moving to New York where I go like,

well, that sucks. Like, you can't work at all of the clubs. Like, at least you're in Austin we can work at all of the clubs. You can once you get to a certain level. You know, obviously if you're a big name, you can go wherever the fuck you want.

But when you're first starting out, you know, you lock into one of those clubs and that's your roster. Yeah. Yeah. So it's fucking, my girl doesn't like it.

Yeah. Yeah. She feels landlocked. She doesn't have her friends and, you know. It's the thing of Austin where you kind of go like, it's so much fun. And then you're kind of here for a couple of years and you go like, yeah, yeah, yeah. But wait, what does make it fun?

I got stuck at the Atlanta airport like two weeks ago on my way back from Tallahassee. And I like, uh, Tallahassee, dog shit city. Oh my God, the worst city. If you're from Tallahassee, kill yourself. Top three worst cities I've ever been to. I thought it would be cool. Tallahassee, Jacksonville. Oh, this third one's tough.

I didn't like Orlando. Orlando is really bad. Buddy, I think I said that. I said Orlando. was number three, two weeks ago. Orlando was just in Orlando. I was just in Orlando and then I then drove to Tallahassee because I was performing at like FSCO.

It was horrific. I'm saying at the double tree nightmare situation, you know? And then so my, I go to Atlanta the next day, whatever, early flight, they're like, it's canceled. I go, great. And so then I keep missing these flights because they keep getting delayed. And then I go, if this flight gets delayed one more time,

I'm going down to the four seasons in Atlanta and I'm getting a room for the night. And so it happened. And then I was like, I was so excited. I was like, fuck yeah, I'm leaving the airport. I went down to the four seasons. hung out went to the steamroom sauna chill

invited some guy from Grindrover but I had also What was he like? Tall 6, 7 huge dick Jesus, bisexual, incredible but he had come at the exact same time You don't take pipe No, but I love sucking it

I look to right the eyes Yeah, yeah I just I can really Matt like no I'm like fucking Yeah Salt pepper yeah yeah yeah yeah Like $5 footlong type shit I mean I talk about it on stage

Because that's what we all want If I was if I was gay I would be the best at sucking dick Oh my God I really Because you know exactly what like You know the ultimate is And you're still wanting to please the man You know what I'm really giving it my eye all

And you can really kind of take a pounding But Wait so you're a top Yeah I only fuck But wait let me tell you this So he comes over He comes over We finish my fucking

Go ahead No no because it's good And so then he gets there He doesn't tell me he's on his way And then he goes, I'm here Well it turns out my I ordered room service At the exact same time

That he got there So then I was like I didn't want him We'll want to know I ordered a shit ton of rooms And so I didn't want him to know that That how much you eat? Yeah

Because it's like you know You're insecure No no no but like you know He walks in It's like I have a whole tray of food You know what I mean I'm like Avengers is on Like I'm having a good time

Yeah And so then I start hiding it in all the drawers So I also was scared That he was gonna ask for some And so I'm folding up the table, all of my food. My truffle butter, mac and cheese is like in. He thought all these scents were coming off your body?

No, of course not. He got truffle mac and cheese in the top tour? You don't think he's going, he's dogging you out, dude. He's like, I'm not going to eat his ass. He smells like truffle cheese. But I really didn't want him to ask for a bite. And so, yeah, I hit it all. And then he, and then he said, well, you can't belly fill up, dude.

I know. You can't belly fill up with a barbecue and they get pounded out. I was going to get pounded out Oh my god You shit like pug through your eyes Oh my god Yeah could you imagine Oh my god

Because after I eat like that I don't want to have sex Yeah It just did the exact same thing for me You ever get shit dick Oh yeah sometimes Oh Can I tell you something

I went just like all the guys Who watch this now I'm like super cool Like it's not all anal sex all the time I really only ever have anal sex It really is like mostly just like Jerk off brothers Yeah

And sucking dudes off Yeah I'm cool Yeah You're high school in it reliable yeah yeah you're too afraid for the penetration well no they have to be really hot

I really I will only fuck them up they're like crazy hot yeah yeah perfect buns you like muscular guys or yeah who doesn't yeah or a little meat that's fine too yeah I like that but I Josh is a huge fucking ass you ever check out Josh's ass yeah of course you've seen it show it off on my podcast

to show the girls yeah he's got a donkey yeah he's got a huge meal bun I know it's kind of upsetting yeah it is upsetting I don't like when straight guys have worked so hard to get an average ass I know I'm doing fucking back lunges try being a gay with the flat ass it's not easy yeah you got a flat ass yeah but i'm working out every single day to change it a bet yeah that's all you have to do i know and you it's like a wife without a job you're fucking gay get to your ass i know it's not yeah yeah

i don't have a gay job anymore i'm like just working on the ass yeah yeah you cough a lot you okay huh you cough a lot are you okay yeah damn it i hate you I know. I stop and I get back to it. I know. And I vaped on the road for two days. So now I'm coughing. I know.

It's tough. Do you ever want to kill yourself on the road? Dude. Is that normal? It's a whole other bit I'm doing. Okay. I don't trust people that have never thought about killing themselves. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. I really thought that comedians were complaining about being on the road and then wanted to kill themselves. And I was like, God, they're such pussies. And now that I've been on the road for six months. Yeah. Every city I go, if I don't bring someone, I go, I'm going to kill myself. Yeah.

It's important to surround yourself with loved ones and friends that you just have a natural trying to like relate to some fucking bedbug you know yeah yeah it's so much fun dude i yeah i fucking i locked my i slept walked we we we'd we'd a lot of fun in uh uh san francisco we slept walked we we we went through uh the golden state warriors locker room i sat in step carrie's locker whoa no we were shooting around on the practice court were any of them there no no the 49er showed up but they fucked off bosa dude's a smoke show you would have knocked the buns off this dude oh you think I'd be blown these guys hot is fuck yeah this guy's hot really like what kind of hot I mean for an

athlete otherworldly yeah you know and also for that size I kind of like I like when they're hot guys are usually quarterbacks are like a little more daintier but you're fucking when you're built like a hemroid and still hot I know but I kind of like ugly guys yeah like um oh you like people you look like. Like you. No, I like like Yokevich. Oh my God, really? Yeah.

That guy would find that food in those drawers immediately. He's from like a war-torn country. I know. He finds fucking burgers and drawers. Well, I would share with him. Yeah, of course. You know.

Of course. Well, do you like him because he's talented? Or do you like him because he's wonky? Both. Yeah. I like when men are talented. What if they're just ugly? No.

they have to be talented exactly yeah of course i mean that's how ugly dudes get fucking hot girls yeah for sure because they have money or they're talented yeah it doesn't worry you're not just picking up some fucking bus stop slob he's got he's got he's got it's what every guy's ever he calls me this bus stop you're thinking of the the range and variety of of of you know my wins yeah if you line them all up it's bad huh i no i don't think it's bad but yeah holy shit there's going to be a fucking yeah you know there's going to be a third string for sure

there's my third string laying in the grass because their knees don't work anymore I heard we've seen them they're all amputees I hit some some ladies with a blow dart and a fucking Irish pub yeah of course yeah I think it's okay though yeah it's great

they're fun yeah they do a lot more yeah yeah they do a lot more when you're talking about the year 10 of this to suck and dick yeah those girls they actually actually like it's the last bird the level of having in their hands and mouth.

I always say that I saw Dick like a sex slave like who got brought over to America to really save your life. I'm not even looking at them. I'm doing a full service. Yeah. I'm like yeah,

it's great. Yeah, it's great. That's great for them. Anyway, I get fucked up. I start to, I slept walked and I was just looking for the bathroom. And a lot of these places,

you know, they've closed doors for the bathroom. Yeah. I walk outside the hotel room. Whoa. In my underwear. No. Thank God.

Yeah. I'm like, where's that buddy? My briefs. song we asked so the door shut and it kind of like smacked me out of my sleepwalk and I was like fuck

and I was in the fifth floor so I just walked all the way down the steps because I obviously couldn't find the elevator yeah it was still kind of fucked up and I just like walked up to the front desk and just raised my hand like like Hitler when he's lazy and I was like hi

and the guy's like how you doing? Like you give me one of those how's it going Like a fearful Yeah, yeah, yeah, like Yeah Yeah, like, I'm about to be assaulted Is there a gun behind the pants?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I got locked out And he's like, yeah, I remember you And he remember my, my, uh, hotel room. Oh, that's great. Yeah. Oh, that's actually weird. I, well, we came in with Shane,

so like, these guys have to like roll the carpet out and shit. Yeah, for sure. Okay, so that you guys were like VIP. And Shane immediately was like, asked for the tape, told his fucking his manager. So she's emailing the, the hotel now. That would be great for clips. Yeah, I wouldn't mind tossing that out

Yeah What kind of boxers Black Standard What I'm answering this No, I don't know I just go like boring Oh

Oh okay sorry They're not sequented Fucking What are you kidding This episode's brought to By kickoff Kickoff You know

It's hard to keep track Of your finances You know You ever lost track Your finances And your credit score Goes You know

down to the shitter? Well, I have. Thanksgiving is all about the gratitude, friends, family, and food, but let's be honest, between travel costs, groceries, early Black Friday deals, your wallet might be not feeling very thankful.

If money stress is creeping in, it's a good time to think about your credit health heading into the holidays because strong credit means less stress, not just in November, but all year long. Kickoff has helped me get back to where I need to be in the 700s.

I mean, you know what that. Users with, Credit under 600 grew an average of 84 points in their first year with on-time payments. With transparent, affordable plans starting at just $5 a month, no hidden fees and zero interest kickoff helps. You score big when it comes to your credit. Simple. You make on-time payments, credit bureaus see good behavior, and your credit can go fast. With premium or ultimate plan, the rent reporting feature helps you build credit with the rent you already pay.

Plus, only positive on-time rent payments get reported to help boost your credit. You get affordable, easy, and effective kickoff team to help you do all this stuff. Josh, start building your credit with kickoff today and get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% off the normal price when you go to get kickoff.com slash stuff island. That's kickoff without the sea. Get kickoff. K-I-K-O-F dot com slash stuff island. must sign up via get kickoff.com slash stuff island to activate offer offer applies to new kickoff

members first month only subject to approval offer to change average first year credit score impact of plus 84 points vantage score 3.0 between January 23 and 24 for kickoff credit account users who started with a score below 600 who paid on time who had no delinquencies or collections added to the credit profile during the period late payments may negatively impact your credit score individual results may vary that's good thanks kickoff this episode's also brought you by better help you saw in the league the guy from the cowboys who killed himself i probably shouldn't talk about it oh man fuck you're right this episode's brought to you by better help guys you i can't think of a better

time to get in contact with someone that can talk you through some stuff during during the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas, it can be depressing. Spend a lot of money on stuff you don't want, you know, trying to fill a void in someone's heart when your heart needs a filling. What? Shorter days don't have to be so dismal. It's time to reach out and check in on those you care about and to remind ourselves that we're not alone. A season's changed in days grow older, darker, sooner. It can be tough time for many, including you, Josh. this November better help is encouraging everyone to reach out check in on friends

reconnect with loved ones and remind the people in your life that you're there just as it can take a little courage to send that message or grab a coffee with someone you haven't seen in a while reaching out for therapy can feel difficult too but it's worth it and it's always leaving people feeling why didn't I do that sooner you know it's like doing your taxes

but for your heart and your body and your mind do your fucking better help taxes You know, me and my brother have a better connection because of therapy. You too can take that step towards a better relationship with someone you haven't reached out to in a while. Okay. Quality therapists. Better help therapists work according to a strict code of conduct that are fully licensed in the U.S. Therapist match commitment.

Better help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals. A short questionnaire has identified your needs and preferences and our 12 plus years of experience in an industrial leading, industry leading match fulfillment rate means we typically get it right the first time. If you're not happy with your match, you could switch a different therapist at any time from your tailored recommendations. Client reviews with over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an average of rating of four nine out of five for a live session, based off over 1.7 million client reviews. Hey, fact hits. If you saw a 4-9 out of 5 in an Indian restaurant

and 1.7 million people reviewed it, you'd be munching. This month, don't wait to reach out, whether you're checking in on a friend or reaching out to a therapist yourself. BetterHelp makes it easier to take that first step. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash Stuff Island.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P-com slash Stuff Island. Do it today. You won't regret it. Well, I don't want them to be sequined, but I'm not wearing Freddie Mercury fives, dude. That would be so sick, though, if you were. It's just a mustache over my balls. Horrible teeth coming down my nuts. Oh, my God.

That guy's mouth, huh? Freddie Mercury? Yeah. Not for me. That's got to be a buzzsaw for a pecker. That dude's dice were so jacked up. Oh, my God. Yeah, not for me.

Not for me. See, sometimes it's like, it's certain kind of ugly that I'm not into. Yeah, but you're talking success. That guy is one of the greatest voices of all time, if not they, besides Steve Perry. Who's Steve Perry? What? Journey. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Dude, it's angelic. Oh, yeah, for sure. I don't like when men sing. I think it's gay. Really? Yeah, I only like one more men sing. I think even when men sing.

I'll stop, dude. No, do you sing? No, in the shower. Yeah. Around the house. Yeah. Every day. Is it good?

All day. I'm a decent singer, yeah. You think? I like when guys have, like, interesting voices. past. I don't like when they have like beautiful voices. Yes. There's something about I go, what are you doing? I agree with this. Yeah, you like indie voices. Yeah. Like a raspy white guy that's

He's almost screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like we were talking about the front bottom the other day. Suicide songs. Yeah, I love when guys want to kill themselves and make music about it. 90s all type shit. Yeah, yeah. It's because it's almost telling a story as opposed to trying to be something they're not. They're just fucking miserable. Would you ever want to make music? No.

Not that good. Oh, I think I would. You would make, you have a great, No, I can't sing it all, but I really think I could write a good album. Just, what, lyrically? Yeah, and then I think I could maybe make the voice. You could produce music as well? Can you make the beats? No, but I would... Do you play guitar? No, but I want to play guitar.

Well, how fucking delusional and deranged are you? I don't know. It's like, I think... It's disrespectful to actual musicians. Drop in the comments if you think this guy's a cock sucker. I know I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. About music. Yeah, no, it's hard as hell, man. For sure, but I'm...

I'm just saying, like, you can't pick something up late in life. God, Jesus Christ. No, you can't. Not that. I think you can. That's like a fucking 40-year-old going. I want to be a professional basketball player. You're past your fucking time, though.

That's so fucked. You want to bud light? I don't drink. Oh, God. What a fucking fun time. I know. Four years sober. Poor?

Yeah. What happened? Alcoholic. Yeah, real bad drinking. Yeah, I was like drinking during the day. Yeah, all day long. I'm not to dog park. I had a couple.

Yeah. I was drinking every day though I was drinking like Jameson at work Oh wow Yeah really And that was just calling people mean names Thinking I was being funny So you were an angry drunk

No I thought I was being funny If there was like one person If I like let's say we were in a group of people And I was drinking and I wanted you to laugh I would say almost anything to anybody else To make you laugh I get that Yeah like really mean stuff

That's big high school energy Yeah I was I did that in high school Yeah I'm sure you do it now too But I Only if they you know deserve Yeah Sure. But when I was drinking, I thought it was so funny. And other people did too. But then eventually it just became like, hey, people like pulling me to the side being like, you're hurting my feelings. Yeah. And I'd be like, God, you're so sensitive. Yeah. Well, I mean, I agree with both sides here. Oh, for sure. I mean, I also was like getting blackout drunk on stage and then going up and like, you know, a guy I was kind of dating, maybe broken up with is in the crowd. I'm like, guess who doesn't have a job? Yeah. You know what I mean like just airing out people's dirty laundry? You know, not doing real comedy.

What's the worst thing you did when you were a drunk? is there one thing that you just went I gotta stop this shit I think it was just like I mean I was constantly driving but I it's so fun it's it's

you know it's funny I always just go like it is so fun I'm driving I go I'm not gonna get pulled over I'm lucky dude I will say there's nothing more entertaining and fulfilling

than throwing on like yacht rock and driving home from a lake or a beach when the sun's setting because the cops aren't perusing looking for you that's true yeah yeah you got all the windows down they're not looking for us you just got to be cool about he can't imagine that you're that fuck yeah yeah it's 7 p.m yeah you were just getting drunk on a beach for fucking five hours yeah and the wind's flopping around you got the

fucking sunroof down i'm driving a bad car so i have my headphones perry's angelic voice is blasting through all the fucking speakers you know it's not the same with weed no no no boring yeah that's some boring yeah that's that's some loan or kill yourself bullshit Yeah, you used to get really drunk, right? Like, you did some stuff, bad stuff? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I used to, like, show up my ex-boyfriend's house and do, like, big movie moments. No. Don't try to be romantic? Yeah, and be like, I'm in love with you. It was so humiliating. And they also know when you're drunk and it's not genuine. You know, it's funny. I got them inside the house because I was like, why did you smoke a cigarette with me?

And then I got there and I did the big movie moment. I've done so many times with girls. Yeah, it's humiliating. I want to tell you some big, sit down, sit down. I'm in a little. love with you there's something so special she's like you're not even looking at me i'm like you're not listening you're not listening

i got inside the house i it's working you know eventually he goes you're fucking drunk you're drunk and i was like i swear i got i swear to got him i swear to got him i said drinks and he was like get the fuck out of my house because it does take away all the power and like you know the dramatic The beauty of what you think in your drunk head is going to be like, let me tell my lover.

Yeah. How I really feel. Yeah. And how she's different. Yeah. And then she's like, you're drunk. I get to me like, no, I'm not. And then the whole thing goes, get angry, really?

Sorry. My bet. God forbid, I want to tell you how much I love you. Yeah. There's other than that turn. Yeah. That's great. Ah, forbid.

Yeah, God, God forbid. You're worthy of love. This is your problem. Why are you not married? Just like your mother. Just like your mom. Yeah. And then I used to like interview.

I was like the manager at a place and I would be drunk interviewing people. And that wasn't good. Yeah. Yeah. I hear all these stories. It's like, you know, I wish I was a bad drunk, you know? Yeah. But I'm really good.

Hmm. I mean, look, dude, when I've had enough to put out a fucking a mule. Yeah. You know, when everybody else would be sleeping. open mouth on a fucking concrete. I'm still riding. No, for sure. Strong.

That's not good. No one's saying you can't handle it. That's not good. Yeah, but it's still, that means it is good. And I'm a good drunk. Okay? I wish I shit in my hand and smeared it on the walls.

You know what I mean? I wish I took my shirt off at like a Denny's and fought a waitress. I wish I had a consistent amount of things going, hey man, you got to not do that anymore. But for you just little things. It's like, oh, I shit my parents when I got home. Yeah. Right.

Yeah, right, yeah, yeah. I'd be, bleeding hemorrhoids. I can't wear light pants. Oh, do you have bleeding hemorrhoids? They, well, yeah. I mean, when they come out to play. Yeah. Yeah.

After, like, if I go, if I go Duke, Duke a few times a day, they get all swelled up to come out like a bouquet of flowers. I've got to push them back in. I'm getting them removed. Yeah, thank God. Yeah, I didn't know you could. Except the man who hasn't been to the doctor in 12 years. She's like, I didn't know you.

12. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no. I actually haven't been to the doctor. I genuinely don't think since I was 18 years old I went once since I was 22 Yeah why we like that Girls love going to the doctors They're always like go to the doctor I'm like Jesus Christ you're addicted to the doctor

Yeah what do you fucking the doctor Like I have a freck on my back I have to get a checked You're like what for what I ran into a dermatologist the other day She was like I check moles And I go I definitely have a couple moles That should be checked or whatever she was

You should get that done I was like now I'll just let it metastasize I'll just die of cancer Yeah I can't I'll wait till I lose 30 pounds out of nowhere Oh literally always me I'm just like oh I'll I'll start dating when I have a perfect body.

Yeah, I'll go to the doctor once I like quit smoking and vaping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once I can show him, like, I know what the fuck healthy looks like. Yes, too. Yeah. You don't know what healthy looks like. You're so, like, I know what I'm doing is wrong. I'm not going to get my blood work done again until I'm sober for five weeks. And I try to prove to the doctor like, you're an idiot.

Yeah. I told you. Yeah. I'm sorry. I really relate to that. We try not to say it all this podcast. Oh, yeah, but you did. It's okay.

Yeah. I said 80% of it. Yeah. I don't think I mean I didn't finish It's still a technical term It is It's just you know It doesn't you kind of feel like

It's medical I feel like there was a time in like 2022 When it was really coming back And like a oh people are saying it again Yeah But you know I think at this point now It's kind of like now people are overusing Yeah

And it's like hacky to use it In my like I don't even care about like offending And like when you start getting hacky like that I'm like it can't It's like that Yeah Yeah beautiful It's too much

Say it again It's too f*** Oh I'm hard that really gets me going tommy oh but there are certain words that really make you feel better you know it expends all that negative energy you just get one out in the backyard you know what I mean yelting to the fucking tree line I don't feel that way but I respect everybody I also I also signed the pledge in high school saying that I wouldn't say it and they had all the kids from the special new classes saying well please sign this that you don't sit there

classmates you know and I said you know what I'm going to do that I'm going to do that for them yeah and then I throw it out every once in a while but I'm from Massachusetts so I'm allowed to say it at least twice a year are you from Massachusetts what part of Boston uh not Boston I'm from what part of Massachusetts the Berkshers like yeah oh wow are you the only gay out there I was not illegal back home let me tell you something no options yeah up they're nasty yeah let me say the people don't talk about small town gay lifestyle you search grinder the cop show up and not in a fun way.

I'm not in a fun way. Yeah, not a sexual way. No, it's really tough. Literally, and also, grinders buy, like, the foot or whatever. You scroll, like, three feet down. And I swear to God, it's, like, 26 miles away. You're like, 26 miles.

Dude, that's crazy. It's insane. And then you have to, like, kind of go by, like, it's back to, like, the 1940s, like, eye contact and, like, following each other into, like, dark, shadowy rooms. Yeah, those parts of fucking Massachusetts. And you get up towards, like, New Hampshire.

Mm-hmm. Like, there's, like, mountain creatures, dude. I'm from the mountains. Yeah. It's rough. Yeah, yeah. Dude, you're George Clooney out there. Yeah, I know.

There's some ugly motherfuckers. Oh, I call home. And they're all racist, wear, and country bumpkins. They don't mean to be racist. It's like West Virginia when you get up that.

Yeah, I kind of is. Yeah, they're ill people. They are killed people. I'm a hell person. I really am. I can't why you're that tall. Yeah. You think so?

Yeah. And the actually only tallest person in my family, no one's tall like me is not really. Your mom cheated. Let's hook, not. Yeah, your mom's lucy goosey. No, she's going to be pissed.

She listens to everything. Mom, I love you. Yeah. Apologize to Jody. I'm sorry, Jody. Jody. Jody cheats on her husband. No, no, don't say that.

That's a cheat on your husband's name. No, no, no, no. Never met an honest Jody in my life. No, you love, we love you, Mom. We love you, Joe. I love your son. But no, yeah, the Berkshers are, I mean, it's hot gay guys come there in the summer

and hot people come there in the summer. Is that like Lake Life type thing? Like Tanglewood, James. Yeah, yeah, and peepers. Yeah, leaf peepers. Yeah. I mean it's gorgeous There's like the best homes in the world

It is beautiful Yeah Checking your phone during the podcast I love that I'm trying to mute it I'd love to mute you For fucking three months But I don't have another guest

It's okay We're having a good time I think We are So how was high school life out there Oh it was great We had the best time I had all my gal pals We were like drinking and driving

We were smoking blunts every single day Were you out from Jump Street? No I remember when I was in Senior year I was like I was really didn't want Senior high school No like I remember I didn't want to to be gay and I was like really like okay I'm not gay I only female friends I'm not playing

were you scared because of your environment no I just like didn't want to be gay I think people like don't look like look back like 2008 and gay in small time Massachusetts you're like it's oh yeah the thing everybody hates yeah yeah yeah I don't want to be gay yeah and so then senior year I kind of was like all right I'm I'm I'm living everyone knows I'm gay I'm gay I didn't say it because I remember I was watching to class and they were talking about a kid who came out the year before us and they were like yeah we always knew he was a fag yeah and I was like I just wait till out of her I school I go, yeah, we'll just wait

Yeah I don't know if it will be taken well Yeah And then like three months after high school I told everyone I was like I'm gay And everybody was like we know Yeah but don't you find like Like modern

Modern gays like It's almost a gift that you can come out so young And so early Oh yeah And it's accepted You know my age 45 90s 80s being gay You're fully repressed

Yeah Yeah You're miserable Now I can't say it anymore But yeah Like you know kids They couldn't Yeah they repress it

And then get married Have a whole family And then they finally go I mean Charlie's gay And he's just divorced at 55 years old You know what I have a hot take It's just stay with your wife

Yeah Let me tell you something This gay world is fucking tough I say the same thing It's too hard The body standards You're 55 You're not coming out

getting on Grindr and fucking these hot guys. Here's the thing, though. Unless you get really ripped and you're really rich. That's the only way. If you're some slubby, 55-year-old, you married a woman and then you want to come out of the closet and be like, I'm gay, good luck. You're going to die alone. It would take a very strong woman. I mean, that is love.

To accept that scenario. And going, oh, yeah, we've been in a loveless marriage. She knows. You're now my best friend still. You think at 55. Of course they know. She knows. Of course they know. So keep it to yourself. What I'm saying is she would have to not be spiteful enough to go, you know, get the fuck out. I knew you were

gay this whole time in what you've done to me and my family. If the one scenario where she's a mature adult going, I'm going to live my separate life. You can stay here. Here's the guest bedroom. We'll just continue this facade. I think that you are confusing the 35 year old woman with the

55 year old woman. Nobody wants to get back on the market at 55. Okay. I think that if you're I think if you're at 55, it's like just keep to yourself and move forward and enjoy the life that you build. I don't think that move. And I don't mean that in like a bad way. I just mean, like, I don't think that your gay life

is going to be great at 60. Personally, with the way that men and the gay community are in general about how we talked and, you know, behave with each other. Again, a little bit of extra weight to get off at the app, you're fat. I mean, there's, dude, I've been to gay bars with friends and there's a plethora of monsters in there.

This episode is brought to you by skims. I'm wearing them right now. Sounds like a fucking lie, right? Gosh. Skimmies. Wearing skims. I was jealous when my girl always had skimmy. skims on then I figured out they make it for men too I got excited they got a stretch three

three inch boxer brief I think that's what I'm rocking this might be the five I don't know either way they're deliciously comfortable I've always liked the good square three inch cut boxer brief what I don't like is my boxer briefs ride up between my ass cheeks like that gay guy we just had on our podcast he would toss those right in his mouth blew a bubble with him as a coach I'm traveling constantly and always on the move as a coach. You know, you know me, coaching. Luckily, Skim's found a way to create that perfect 3-inch box of briefs that give me all the movement I need throughout the day

and the perfect comfort for those long trips out on the road without ever riding up or losing their shape. All other 3-inch boxer briefs have officially been put on notice. I genuinely mean it. They're very comfortable. It's like silkies, like silk underwear. It's like a, you know, hot date night type shit. Instead, you're sitting around with your ugly friends.

doing a podcast about nothing. What a wasted silk night underwear. Shop skims, men's at skims.com. Let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select our show in the drop-down menu that follows.

If you're looking for the perfect gifts of season, the Skims Holiday Shop is now open at skims.com. Back to the gay guy. Yeah. And they're just looking at, you know, clap cheeks. Yeah. They can get off. They can find another monster.

You know, it's crazy. about the Gayloro, though. Yeah. Even the monsters are like, I want hot. Yeah, of course. And nobody's like monster for monster. It's like fucking Josh's dad in the garage staring at a 22-year-old hot girl

thinking he's got a chance. Is that what happened? I don't know why your dad caught a fucking stray. But I'm saying, like, any old man, like they look at younger girls going like, yeah, that's what I would want if I was single. You're not getting that. Yeah.

You got to get some wonky. You couldn't get that at 23. 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're 55. You're disgusting. You were disgusting then, too, you're fucking peg. Loser.

Yeah, yeah, you don't even know how to kill yourself. Literally, it's like, also our dad, I feel like it shouldn't give you any data. My dad has no advice for me. My dad, when I moved out of our small time, you already told me, he goes, keep a little bit of cash in your show. I like that. I like that. I like that.

See, I like that. I like that. I like that a lot. It's because you're going to get robbed in the city. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And then he's again, then you have a little bit of cash.

I go, that's, yeah. Everyone has Apple Pay now. Yeah. I told the story of how me and my best friend used to dress up for Halloween. We were big in the Halloween for like five years straight. Okay, what did you dress up as? What did you dress up as?

Well, the one year that reminded me with the money in the show, did I tell this on the pot or just in person? And then you did this on, when we did Rough Weeks. Oh, yeah, yeah, with Tuma. And Christoph, we were big into... Sucked them both off. Into...

it would be wild for you to tell me who you blew that straight every single security guard did you blow any did you blow any straight comics no did you try to tackle them is this like a thing no that's not the end that I do is that like a fake what do you mean fake like like like gays like to go after straight guys no it's so hot right oh and I think it's just hot I think everybody likes a guy like a hot guy who's like masculine who wants to get his cock sucks but I don't like I don't like being like the creepy gay guy so it's like oh yeah i probably would suck a lot of these dudes dicks

but i'm never i'm never you're i'm never gonna make it happen yeah it's like the cady's hawkins dance yeah they have they have to ask you anyway we had a wild range of of uh costumes one year we did abu grabe as soon as that came out where i dressed up as a prisoner in a fucking orange jumpsuit and he had he had a dog collar on me and he dressed up like that that dude with the blue gloves that got sentenced do you crawl around i did yeah because we would win. We would win contests. There's a Polaroid out there that I would not release. I don't have it,

but I'd like to find it. Anyway, there's one year, we're in his parents' basement. We lived at college at Drexel and Temple. Went back home for this Philly bar, the Irish pub. And I think it was like $1,200

price, and we're like racking our brain in the basement sitting down, not knowing that the party's like three hours away and we're like stressing out. we got nothing and he just like he just pulls up like a vampire he goes i got it i know what we're going to do and he looks in the corner of the room there's a full-sized white siberian stuff tiger that his sister had it's like truly full size he's six four and he goes we're to go with sigfried and roy sigfried and roy the incidents where he got by the tiger it was only a couple weeks

prior to that so we knew no one's thinking of this yeah So we went to Davis's trading post and he gets the latex neck wound. We glue it on. We get two Elvis sequent one-piece jumpsuits. He's wearing all white. I'm wearing all black. He ties the tiger around his neck. He's got fake blood dripping down his fucking chest.

And anytime he would go to the bathroom, I'd just look like gay Elvis. Because I had no like a gruchaman. You know? I didn't have any fun things. You were just the other guy. I was just the other guy. That sucks. And I had my ears pierced at that time.

It was horrendous. A little hoops. Yeah, little hoops. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. I love an Italian man with little hoops. A little chain on it wearing a white heater.

Yeah, chain. I was jacked. Yeah. Oh my God. Show me a picture. You would run that. Anyway, we end up winning the fucking contest. 600 each.

And we put 600. Yeah, in the boot. Because it's a part of Philly. You go a few blocks the other way and I'm wearing a fucking a sequence suit. I'm excited. I'm going to Philly in two weeks. The helium?

Yeah. Dude. I've never been. I'm really pumped. It's the best. Yeah, I think it's going to be a good time. What's the, you want to, you know, plug it now so we don't forget. Helium of December 5th and 6th, 5th through the 7th.

I'm headlining helium, Philly. That's awesome. That's a great club. I'm a big of my bio. What's your, what's your website? Punchup. Dot live slash Dylan Carlino. What does that mean?

Yeah, and it's just the fucking website. Punchup. Punch up. Punch up. Could you make it any more difficult for people to find my manager did it? He sucks. Is it a woman? No, it's a guy.

Yeah, he sucks. He used to be a. comic well that's why he sucks he's jealous he's trying to draw tickets away from him I'm sure he's great it's great it's an email list and a and a

Jesus Christ we're still on email list what are you doing where what are you gonna fucking annoy people I know I know I know how's your day I know I don't get the fuck out of here I would never send I'm not gonna go see your show if I wanted to because you bother me on email I don't do that it just less than other than I'm coming to their town

you're angry yeah you have a lot of issues i'm tired from the weekend and i've been housing my my mother-in-law oh really she's great are you married we're engaged whoa how's that going it's great yeah when you're getting married i'm very happy this sOS do you're really fucking blinking at me my eyes are dry oh really dog oh from drinking all day yeah yeah yeah i love that I miss that From the dog park You're on your 12th beer Tommy

I pet 60 dogs today I got dander my fucking ice And I wear contacts By the way why the fuck you go in the dog part without a dog What? You're just getting drunk at the dog park with Josh Just the pet dogs Yeah

Yeah it's fun Is that allowed? You ever uplift yourself? I think it's creepy to go there And be like oh I'm here for pets If I knew what it provides for me now With a dog I would have gone without one Yeah

It's wonderful to watch dogs just have fun, tackle each other, bite each other's fucking heels. You know, then they really attack each other there. Yeah, they do. Yeah. And there's a bar. So?

It's just how it is. It's a nice time. Yeah. That's fine. It's a nice stuff. I found a pipel on the side of the street at the beginning of the year, and I went to a dog trainer,

and he was like, don't bring this dog to a dog bar because of anything happened. He's going to bite the fuckers. It will kill someone. And then, yeah. Was he a total street dog or did somebody drop? Yeah, she was a street dog.

And then we had a reposited her for like six months. And then we found her original owner. who his girlfriend was like they got into a big fight and they broke up and she was like he was like I'm coming to get my stuff and the dogs and she was like your shit's in the garbage and the dogs are at the pound but she was like a fucking bitch and loser

and she dropped the dogs outside the pound because they were full and then we found the dog like two weeks later what a piece of shit piece of shit we had her for five months and we named her Frankie she was great I got her fixed we like dropped her back off I was like hopefully you weren't trying to breed her yeah no they

they shouldn't be bred like that no well did she act out at all she had some issues she had some if a bicycle came she'd really freak out yeah a tough walking her she was very reactive yeah is that what you call black people bicycles no but my roommates I live for lesbians and they have a dog and the dog really doesn't like homeless people really it read energies yeah well it's probably because they lived with it for a while you know but almost people love pitties yeah well they protect them they protect their ass yeah but also peoples are very sweet yeah they are very sweet yeah I got to

I have pit. Yeah. She's a pocket pit. Yeah, I love that. Little mini pit. They're like little snuggle bugs. They are snuggle bugs. She's such a lover.

Yeah, what's your name? Buka. I hate that. Oh, my God. That's such a shit fucking name. I hate when people give their dogs the worst fucking. Oh, what's the dog's name? Oh, this is Buka.

Yeah. It's short for San Bucca. The Italian lique. You were drunk. You fucking alcoholic loser. It's adorable. She's adorable. Sam Buka.

You talk like that again. I'll fucking smack you. Smack me. I'll get rock. you would like that you would like that you would like that you big jody come get your dog if you could be a dog what kind of dog would you be

that's a good question I think a mutt much like Buka yeah speedy not too big like a great dane like this fucking I'm Australian Shepherd yeah no they're too they got it they got to run too much nobody likes them I think humans like Shepherds. Dogs do not like Australian Shepherds. No. That's why they're used to herd sheep.

I just got a King Charles Cavalier. I fucking hate that dog. Why? I just talked about it today. Why? Isn't he so sweet? He thinks I'm lying. No, come on. I hate King Charles. Why? The most pretentious dumb fucking face. I love him. They're very cute. He's so he's, he's, his name's Miller. But they're cuntz. No, he's a sweetie. Yeah, to you. You met Miller. No, he, how great's Miller. How, how. Don't be cool for Tommy. Don't be cool for Tommy. The dog's name's Miller. Yeah. Like, Miller High Life and you're busting my tits? It was that or Anakin. Oh, thank God.

Thank God. Thank God you chose Miller. I really thought. I was looking at him today and go, God, he looks like an Anakin. Yeah. Like Star Wars? Yeah. I love the story of Anakin. How's his dog? He's all right? Yeah, good. Oh, he's being all cool for you right now. No, he wouldn't

do that. He wouldn't do that. No, there's a camera on him. This little, hopefully not. But there's the whole stand. The lounge effect is nuts. This is like Tommy Post. He's very tired. You know what? Yeah. Because we finished

a bottle of mezcal last night watching Eagles game. Oh. And Josh, Josh takes a week and a half to recover from a booze.

Really? Yeah. Oh. Those are the Eagles. They won. Yeah. Love them. Yeah.

God they're so good. I was, I ever see that green jersey, right? Yeah, Kelly Green. Yeah, here we go. Yeah. That's me.

Yeah. That's me. You're a Kelly Green? Uh-huh. I think I'd be on the Eagles. You're a midnight green. Thank you. You're on the way out.

No, Yeah, that's our old jerseys. Don't you think that we both would be on the Eagles if we played football? You and I? Yeah. Couldn't you see a video, like a life where me and you are both like just playing football and we're like, what are you're in a position you could do? I've seen you walk.

You can't. You're not running down the field catching a ball going 95 miles an hour. I couldn't catch a set of car keys. I could. I really could. I'm really talented, actually. Yeah. I weirdly athletic.

Well, your size would be a tight end. Because you're not light enough for a slot receiver. I mean, you know, I'm trying to get out under 180. You'd have to beef up. You'd have to get 30 to 40 pounds of muscle to be a nice, tight end. I want to be slender gay guy. Yeah, that would be a slot. You're not quick enough.

These fucking feet. Do you think you're running 20 miles an hour in these feet? Yeah. No way. They're running 20 miles an hour. Higher than that, 25. 23 is the max this year from Sequin. They, they, they log them.

They radar. They don't do it like this. There's no. Just a bunch of like, this is a cop. Yeah. Don't show. Oh, now, boy.

Where are you going? Oh, happy military day. Oh, today's veterans day. Yeah. Shout out to everybody. Shout out to the Marines. You actually posted a picture where you looked really good looking.

Yeah, you were hot, dude. But only in the military. You swelled up in that tank. The pressure was way off. no you looked handsome did you serve huh you serve serve fucking touchdowns

four years in high school no I didn't you go to college yeah okay you were playing college no yeah just not good enough didn't have it I was gonna play baseball

but I chose the mind instead of my body for the when you said I thought you said I chose the minds and I was like oh he had to go work in the minds yeah coal you look like a guy who would have to go work in the coal mines

and like give up his entire life to feed his family. Yeah. You're like, well, Pop got the cough. I wish. That's simple life if it didn't kill off all your fucking organs. It's bad.

It's very bad. Yeah. Those photos of like those little kids in the minds. They're like six, seven years old. They get through the little holes. And they got fucking, they got, you know, the smut. So do you think their youth can help, like,

deal with the coal a little bit better than the older people? You know, like, kids weren't really dying of COVID, but then a, yeah. Yeah. A small baby organ? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're fresh. Yeah, they're fresh.

It's like it takes longer for them to get killed. I forget what I was just talking about. You were talking about how you almost play baseball, but then you are injured yourself? Oh, no, no, no, I just chose education because my parents pushed me towards it. Do you regret that? Yes. Yeah, yeah. You should have been playing.

And I wanted to go to school for art. For what? Drawing and painting, but there was no graphic artists. My parents talked me out of that, too. I got accepted all the art schools. Were your parents like wealthy? No, wealthy people tell you to do it. art.

No, no. They're like, go to law school. Oh, that's a different level of wealth. Yeah. That's like true wealth. No,

they're, I grew up like, I grew up like no money where like, yeah, like where my family was like, do whatever you want, none of us are happy.

My brother did my parents' taxes one year. And he got in a fight with my dad because they had three kids. He was like, you don't make enough money. Combined income.

He was looking back. He's like, you don't have enough for two kids. You had three fucking kids. Because me and my brother shared a bed until he went to college. A bed? Yeah.

Not a bedroom. A bed and a bedroom. Yeah. Of course. I mean, it's not like... Yeah, the bed wasn't in the yard. You don't know how poor I was. Jesus.

Like a king size bed? And then we got bunk beds. No, no. It was a twin. It was a fucking the smallest one. Yeah. I told this on stage at one point where I used to grow my toenails out as self-defense. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I would never clip my toenails. That's smart. Is he older or younger? I'm the youngest. Oh, yeah. Is he good looking?

no no he's all right yeah yeah well yeah he's the best looking at your family yeah I'm the breadwinner yeah yeah when in poor families is usually only one yeah it's the last one yeah because the the parents are so aggressive and angry that it takes a long time for the sperm and the egg to like get to know each other yeah so the first one comes out like a fucking mongrel yeah real fucking i love those guys with beard faces yeah yeah just eating drywall for his whole life yeah I love a construction guy Yeah, he's an engineer He's an electrician

Oh yeah Oh, he's the best He's my favorite one Really? Yeah Well What? Nothing

It's just incredible This is a nice life podcast We're doing right now Oh no for sure We don't do this a lot No you Or I get to interview somebody About their

You know what they're about You haven't asked me a single question Yes I did I said What part of dog shit Massachusetts it's the greatest stage. When'd you come out?

Really classic questions. Well, are you happy? You're very successful at the moment? Yeah, at the moment. I love that. No, I'm happy. I'm fine. Yeah.

Nothing's ever good enough. Why don't you, of course, get used to that. Yeah. Are you, uh, are you, does Jody and is your dad around? Yeah. Everyone's around, divorce, hate each other. Are they very happy for your success? Everyone's very excited.

I think they're like, what I've been telling them for the last 10 years that this is going to work out. Really, they're like, oh, wow, you were right. Yeah. Yeah, it's great. I think they're a little like, they can't, we can't believe it. Yeah.

Last week, on Sunday, I was on a Bud Light commercial. I voiceover a Fox cartoon after the Eagles game. I'm on a show on Netflix and I did a stadium filled with 19,000 people. What are your parents thing?

And I told my mom and she told me a story about my nephew. What was the story about your nephew? Doesn't fucking matter. Does it, Dill? Do you have a... Are your parents? You're not kidding.

the point no i get it but i'm saying like do your parents they can't like accept that things are going well for you or they like or do they have such bad lives i just think they're so yeah i think they're so my father's one of nine and my mother's one of 12 they're just so like down trotted but you know what i have you kind of notice this is me at my own thing is that like comedy is one of those things that like unless you're like in it you don't realize the significance of things yeah we have to stop going to our parents who like my dad like he's like he like plows snow in the winter you know like he he he thinks everything's cool but like he i think i mean i mean everything that's happened And for me, it's like the coolest thing that for my dad is that like one time when the

mothership began, I got to like bring Ron White on stage. And he tells everybody. Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. That is like, wait. I'm like, dad that like, I couldn't tell you, does not matter at all. Like, he has a video. He's like, showing it to do it.

He's like, buddy John just saw the video. He couldn't believe that. I go, Ron's there every night. Yeah. It's just like the luck of the draw. It is adorable because you want to just give them what they, whatever they enjoy at this point, you know. Because it doesn't matter. They're not going to get like, I'm like, oh, I'm that.

My mom only talks about what time I did law and order. And I'm like, that's the one thing I'm trying to bury. Yeah. You know, stop, tell people I did the law. Yeah. What did you play, Predator? No, the opposite. I stopped a rape.

You're either raping or you stop a rape. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. An Indian wife. Oh, wow. I got you. Yeah, I walked in on the shooter. Beginning of the episode. Yeah, for sure.

Right when it opens. Yep, credit's still coming on. Yeah. Credits are still coming on. Maybe you get one scene. Yeah. So he was trying to rape. Yeah.

Yeah. That was it. Yeah. And then they're like, Tommy, go home. Yeah. Still getting residuals 12 years later. A lot? No, it's a few hundred bucks a quarter.

That's kind of nice. Yeah, it was one scene, three lines. You know, more. Residuals are nice. Talk about a good-looking guy that Maloney. Yeah, Maloney. You ever watch Oz? He's aggressive and a man.

Yeah. There's not a lot of men actors. And he seems like Salt to the Earth type guy, you know? Like, he'll still get in a bar fight. That's got to be hot for gays. First, well, have you ever seen the TV show? show Oz. Yeah, of course.

I loved us on HBO. Didn't I just tell you about Oz? So he would be fully naked on Oz showing cock. It was the first thing I was rubbing my little 13-year-old costume. Oh, yeah. And then he had this scene where he would have guys suck his cock on Oz, and then he would snap their neck. Oh.

And, like, kill them in prison. That's a great movie. And I literally was like rock hard for it. I was like, oh, my God, what's wrong with me? Yeah. Did that ever instill, like, a sexual thing where you have to think of violence to come? No, but now that I think that I go, maybe this is the dick-sucking, you know, call me a fag thing.

People have been asking me about the violent. videos I watch. I love watching violent videos and I watch them before bed. Like what? Oh, all of it. Train wrecks, car accidents, suicides,

uh, beheadings. Really? Everything. I've never seen a beheading video. I don't want to. I saw someone get shot in the head one time. The first one I've said,

what? I saw someone get shot in the head one time. They were like crawling and the police officer shot them. Yeah. And like the way that their body went completely lifeless. I was like, I was like, okay this is really doing it for me

are you having a seizure that's what happens okay that was like very much like now that's how I think you and the whole time there's a fucking fountain coming out of the forehead your whole body was shaking and you were curling your feet like you were coming yes because the nerves the nerve endings they stay active they stay active after you die

no they went completely dead immediately well they either drop like like a it depends if it was a direct head shot yeah did they just drop like they were like a marionette it was like they were there and then they were gone yeah it was really i like the other ones no no i like the other one i that's the only one i've ever seen i did you're fucking sick you got fucking issues well the point of story is and this is why i asked you because a lot of the psychologists will will determine where let's say let's say you did have to have like an aggressive sexual um aspect of to your

coming like you had to choke or make something like fucking no not that I like when they're verbally aggressive all right well that's what I'm saying yeah this is the start of it yeah because when you're 13 you know you're either humping a pillow and if that's your first like I remember this

I think it instills a necessary need going forward for the rest of your life isn't it don't you ever think about this though that like we have all these guy friends who are like the man in comedy and you know that they're just going back home and like doing the worst job with their girlfriend very dude so bad and bad

of course it's I look at guys all the time and I go like I know your dog shit and your girlfriend is just like with you because you're famous dude it's so humiliating yeah it is

yeah it is it is anyway I watched platoon when I was six you watch platoon when I was six years old my brothers my parents went to on a date

for the first time and I was a mama's boy because my mom went a girl that's why they tried for her third so she took me in all the supermarkets the malls

and they went on a date and I I lost my fucking mind and she had to calm me she was like your brothers and you are going to have a movie night

and it was 1986 and I've said this on the pot I'm not going to go through it again but after this pod I'll show you the HBO or not HBO

the box office it's from 1986 it is baffling how many great movies came out there's like a hundred and out of 100 maybe 80 classics

anyway lots of options for children yeah 1986 platoon came out it was in Oliver Stone his first his first award winning film where he won an Oscar

and fucking all he won everything and it's like the greatest depiction of Vietnam that has ever been done like to the point where vets couldn't watch it it was like too you know too much too much and they made me watch this at six in my parents bed with them

and I had a pack of gum banana gum and I'm nervous where's that yeah bubbleish so I throw a piece in and within like the first like three minutes this fat guy gets his fucking chest blown out and he's getting pounded on by this one guy with a cigarette and goes on come on you fat fuck

stay with me you fat fuck and there's like you know bandages flying and I'm just yap and come I throw another one in I'm I could dude I can see it right now still it's like a core memory for you're getting excited I'm getting excited about it right now yeah well at that time this is what I'm saying the excitement

it was extreme fear and my brother yells at me and I just keep put pieces coming after every scene because I'm fucking nervous and my oldest brother goes if you keep yapping your mouth I'm going to take that come out of your out of your fucking

head of your hole and wrap it around your head and then I didn't I was at now I'm at the top of the bed on knees just staring at the screen you know blinking like I do and sure enough my middle brother grabs me

my arms are to my side and Steve takes thumbs the fucking gum at this point I had a whole pack and he thumbs the gum all around my face all over my eyes my eyelashes, my eyebrows, and I went downstairs, and I cried at the front door until my parents came home. And my mom had to lather me up with peanut butter and then cut it all out.

Peanut butter? Yeah. That's the only way to get gum out? Apparently. That's crazy. That's like poor people drunk. Yeah. Although you should have a babysitter.

This is crazy. I'm sorry. I think I just told that story. So I'm about impolodied. Were you ever molested by a babysitter? No. Oh, you had to give that vibe. Because I had one.

I had one. I had one. I had one. I only had ladies. Yeah, of course. yeah yeah she was also my hairdresser i loved her chrissey oh really i i wouldn't say it was molested by a baby's huge crush i had a huge crush my babies just took naked pictures of me

what yeah guy or girl girls um it's actually one of my first original jokes but i uh yeah like my parents came home and i don't remember it at all my dad said they like open up the digital camera and there was like my dad i called him recently about it and he was like dylan i can't even talk he goes those pictures will haunt me until the day i die He was like, these were the worst pictures I've ever seen in my entire life.

Were they bathing you or something? No, I think they were like bent over showing my asshole. Bad. Do you think the woman was selling them to a pedophile? No, I think I probably was like, look at this. And they were like, teenage girls being like, this is crazy. I really think it was probably harmless. Really?

But like, I don't also know because I don't remember. Damn, I'm horny now. It's still me and the vicks. All right, Dill. We're done, pal. Yeah, thanks for having me out. What else you want to promote besides helium? Anything else come up?

Yeah, I'm on tour. We'll be on tour. Hey, guys, it's very fun. Yeah, I'm on tour until June of next year. So come see me. My Instagram's Dylan P. Carlino, but it's mostly women and gay guys. That's great. Yeah, we'll have fun.

I'd like to stop by. Yeah. Anytime. That all gay podcast ends. See it, Jody. That's so awkward.