Stuff Island - Dylan Sullivan - Stuff Island #167

Episode Date: January 15, 2025

Dylan Sullivan joins this week's episode of Stuff Island. Dylan is an Austin based stand up comic who has been on Kill Tony, Comedy Central and is a regular at the Comedy Mothership. Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor are reunited after being on the set of Netflix's Tires. Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoney.com/STUFFISLAND Visit betterhelp.com/stuffisland and get 10% off your first month right from the comfort of your own home Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Would you rather fight a bear? Like, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. It'd be fun. It would be a good time. Fight a bear or talk about something else. The ultimate would you rather. Dude, I saw a house.

We're renting a new house. Yeah. And it's hard to get property down there like in the east area yeah so there was like five families waiting for this fucking maniac named amenity i thought it was like his name was amenity her yeah and there's there's like you know there's four or five different like an insulting name isn't't it? Amenity? Yeah. I mean, if you saw her. It's like naming your kid like accessory. She was a fucking accessory. She's 15 minutes late.

Her hair's wet. She's strange like yoga broad carrying a bag of food. It says amenity on the side. Because I wasn't sure if that was really her name. So she's got a bag with her name? Yeah, she showed up to an interview with food. You know what I mean? You got 15 people waiting here to see your shithole.

Yeah. Outside the house. So then she lined us all up. She's like, can you take your shoes off? And all the women were like. This one woman ahead of me was like, no, I'm not doing that. So we start laughing. And they have to get in the house.

So her sister's like, take your fucking shoes off. We're just going to take your shoes off. So now we're all taking our shoes off my girl has no socks and we're walking along like a like a deck entrance it's filthy there's like cats running around across the street there's three fucking like portland austin weirdos wearing snow hats and playing with a wild cat they They're just holding a stick. It's like if you're trying to run a property, you shoo these fucking weirdos off the lawn. You know what I mean?

You're bringing the value down. So the whole time we're just like pretending we still have to check this out. Why'd you take your shoes off? Huh? Why'd you take your shoes off? I don't know, man. I was a bitch. Make a stink.

I was a fucking bitch about it. Because I had socks on. I didn't care. You know? Yeah. So everybody just shuffled into a room. And we all had to laugh at this woman's like really weird bitch. She gave a speech?

Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. It was her property. And then she was like trying to make fun of the current tenants who weren't there. When did you do this? Yesterday? Yeah.

Are you going to get the place? No. No, dude. I'm telling you, the neighbors scared me off. They're just like fucking Austin hobos. Yeah. Because you get the closer you get to the city, it's like you want to be there, but they're the worst types of people. Yeah, they're hobos everywhere. Sometimes,

yeah, you got to get in. You got to start playing with cats. Yeah, yeah. You're the closest thing I have to a cat. If I had a little stick, you'd be going wild right now. Dude, let's get you a Tommy bag, see if you don't change your mind. Yeah, Tommy amenities.

Dude, I gotta... You are Tommy amenities. I kinda am. Last night, Tommy and I were on this show at Soho. Tommy's blacked out. Yeah. Tommy is supposed to be having dry January. It's the wettest January.

You guys want to hear about a menopause? No. Dude. This is so... It's generating every day in January. Dude. I'm wearing cogs. Tommy took been raining every day in January. Dude. Tommy took two shots on stage last night. Oh, yeah.

That was great. That's great. There was a whole line of bachelor party. Dude. And this dude was blacked out when Chris was on stage. He was like trying to talk to Chris and tried to offer him a shot. Chris was like, I'm not taking a fucking shot from a stranger. Dude.

Well, I was like, what is it? And the guy goes, I don't know. You got a mystery shot? So there's this $200 tab that's for food. It's all double mezcals. Yeah. No, no, no. Let me tell you.

Let me tell you. Because Tommyy's gonna tell his own version the lady comes up to the showrunners and she's like hey like so you're going over the tab so you want a card it looks at it tommy ordered a 70 drink of the $200 tab for everybody. For food and for drinks. No, you know what I ordered? This is how crazy this whole house is. It was a double whiskey. It was a double fucking bullet bourbon.

So the $70 is coming from these rich cunts. That's not on me. You're going to charge $35 a shot? Suck my dick. And also, she didn't... Tommy ordering a bottle of wine in a restaurant. What are you talking about? It's a $15 bottle of wine?

Yeah, this is a restaurant. It's on a corporate fee. Yeah. Dude, it was like the nicest place. Yeah, it's a Soho house. It's a private establishment for rich fucking dildos. You've had an epic 24 hours I just came from an event That you set up

That you were not at Everyone right now Is at an Eagles bar To watch the games Nobody else is an Eagles fan Tommy just told everyone to meet there. Dude, he told me about that. He was like, yeah, let's go.

I've never been to an Eagles. I've never watched a football game in my life. Nobody that was there had been there. Oh, my God. And then it was... Everyone's upset. I just want people to have fun, man. Yeah, that's true.

Luke Tuma, huge Bills fan, wanted to go to a Bills bar. Tom was like, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Let's go to your office. Luke is standing in a packed Eagles bar in a Bills jersey. Tom was saying some things. What if it was a plan? I was like, grab a table. All the seats are gone.

All the seats are reserved. Yeah. You can't sit there. Yeah, they will. They love me. So best case scenario, everyone goes and you get a seat and everyone stands. Yeah, you guys can sit in a packed bar. No, that was crazy.

40% of the budget for that drink. Were you there when the woman came back out saying, does anyone need anything else? I was like, do you have any whiskeys that are more expensive? She didn't laugh at all. It is crazy, man. Dude, you had such a good line earlier saying like, would you call it the Hunger Games? Yeah, yeah. Like the Soho House people, they're dressed like the Hunger Games.

Like when they go to the Capitol and they're all dressed up and they got the men with eyeliner and like a birch yeah they're all like wealthy people that they don't know how to socialize so it's like they're at the event to see clowns you know juggle yeah yeah they're all extremely hot women and the gayest of gays yeah like the gay dudes if they if you lock eyes for long enough you'll suck a dick like they were like they're powerful gays. Yeah. Like the gay dudes, if you lock eyes for long enough, you'll suck a dick. Like they were like, they were powerful gays. Okay. Yeah, like their eyeliner rips through your soul.

Yeah. You're looking at a second little dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That whiskey gets to you looking at a second little dick? They crushed. Everybody crushed. I feel like you guys like fucking tired them out. Well, I've been catering my act to the elites for a while now.

You gotta know your audience. We've seen a regular up there. Tell us about your hardships, fatty. I know. Dude, I did this one joke about being fat and eating sugar cubes and shit. And most regular crowds go, ha ha. And then I did it to these rich most regular crowds go, ha ha, and they're like, ah. And then I did it to these rich people and they went, ha ha ha.

What do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's falling for our sugar cube. The sugar cube trap. I had to pull out a notepad, write it down, it works. I own those mills. It was crazy, man.

40% of the show. The only other house was established by the Domino Sugar Fortune. That's right. The other show I did was the worst one was at Fairmount, which is similar. It's like rich people not paying attention. What are these places? Just comics

that Bianca Parado sent to me. It's like a monthly or something. The Fairmont? It's got to be a money grab, though, man. That's got to be a... What the hell is that? That's Colin Turrell.

Everybody gets a tone that is representative of their personality. And that's annoying Irish. Hello! Who goes through and gives separate tones? A brilliant man. No. No. Yes. You know why?

Because when I hear a tone, I don't have to get up. And I say, that's fucking Chris. Shut up. And I know which ones are important who I want to talk to. Yeah, yeah. How many Luke noises did you get today? He didn't text me once. Is he actually at the bar?

Dude, they're all, literally everyone's there. They're already there? I went there. You did? Yeah, I was there before this. I was there watching the game. That's why you're late. Don't you be thanking me.

Are you going to go? Do you want to go to the bar? I'll go. It's great. There's nowhere to sit. Yeah, it's going to be a nightmare. No, it's going to be great. I saw you taking those shots last night.

I was like, there's no way we do this podcast. Dude, it was two shots. Yeah, but then you took two shots before that you're all ready all that's great i will say i will say you had a glow about you when you got that drink let me get it all out yeah yeah last stand dude Jesus Christ this sucks why I drank a normal amount the shot thing was a good intro because you wouldn't do it

and it was a nice opener give me a shot that I gave that I yeah I think that's legit yeah yeah two shots

it's like smoking on stage it's part of the it's part of the yeah the art yeah they already know you know yeah somewhat pickled.

They kind of know you're a fucking maniac. You show them you are. They enjoy it. They go, okay, let's watch this guy unravel. Whenever you see someone too straight-laced, it's unnerving. If they take a shot? No, just like comedy in general.

When someone's like, oh, yeah. You know, oh, I went and my lawnmower, whatever. Who are you? It's troubling. Why are you in this profession if you aren't a piece of shit a little bit? It's scary. It is.

It's a tremendous internal conflict. Dude, someone who has their life completely together and does comedy is like scary as shit to me. Yeah, yeah. It's bad. When you start trying to get your life together, you're like, I can't do this. And that sucks.

We're watching you do a lot. It's horrible. When you're like, what do I talk about? It's like, I got up today. I exercised. I ate like, I got up today. I exercise. I ate meat. I read a book. Life sucks.

I did keto last year. I was angry all the time. Yes. I was angry and I had nothing to talk about. Imagine all you talk about is keto angrily. Yeah, because you have to make it your whole life. It's like the worst recruiter of all time. You know, you got to, oh, I got to, I'm thinking about eating constantly,

how I'm going to prepare the meat, what I'm going to do with the meat after, comparing Tupperwares online. And then you got the gym. And then it's like, okay, what gym am I going to do with the meat after comparing tupplewares online and then you got the gym and then it's like okay what gym am i going to that's a whole thing then you're doing more laundry than you've ever done in your life why because you're shitting yourself no well yeah sometimes and sweating sweating shitting bleeding whatever you do and then that's your whole day and and then you're supposed to go on stage and be like, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. But you're not a piece of shit anymore. I'm not a piece of shit.

I'm a sociopath. Yeah. It's crazy. Dude, the show before the mothership last night, this girl was like, I don't know her name. She's great. Yeah, yeah. She was struggling so bad, dude. dude yeah and then there was a long pause

and you could like you could hear the moment in her voice when she just gave up and then there was a pause and she just goes uh anybody here like movies and i fucking yelled because i was behind the curtain and i couldn't hold it in. I just went, ah! Because it's like you could feel the pain in her voice where she had nothing to talk about, no daily thing. Anyone here like movies? Anybody here have fingerprints? Who's going to say that out loud? Anyone here like movies?

There's like two people like, yeah. Oh, dude, so many times I've done that. How do I get into this? You guys drive? Yeah. They're on the road? Yeah. That's like the bottom of comedy to me.

I would audibly say, oh my God, this sucks. I suck. Before I was like, you know? Yeah would audibly say i'm like god this sucks i suck you know before i was like you know yeah no i i won't is anyone here in a relationship yeah that kind of questionnaire like sometimes you sometimes you slip up and you ask it though yeah because you're trying to lead into you bitching about your girlfriend yeah yeah and then you well you got to do it you just go do you fucking do you hate this bitch you know know, not that I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm on keto right now. No, you, you find a way to like, you know, talk like a fucking person. Yeah. Yeah.

Not like a Ted talk. I don't. Yeah. It's, it's hard because it's like when shit isn't going well, especially your brain is like movies. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Music. You know, just a montage of the most mundane shit that is the worst when you're in the middle of a bit that's like ripping apart a movie and you're like why this is all I got

this is all I have to say yeah dude Chris O'Connor's famous movie reviews I do get mad you review movies? I'll do it on this podcast, I'll talk for 15 minutes with no punch and then just go, yeah it sucks I'll give you a whole review

of the entire movie with nothing interesting and then just go, I fucking hate it I always start off with so much momentum and then it just dies when I realize how much context people need to make the point that I want to make, I like start speeding up. You know what I mean? I start trying to like get through it and I skip over so much and then I end with nothing.

And I'm trying to give him a fucking, a fishing line to get out of it. And then I'll go, and then, and then, and then this emperor comes out of nowhere, like he'll talk over my save. Nervously talking over. then this emperor comes out of nowhere like i'll talk over my save yeah and what's with the director god the director chris what are these choices man the art design was yeah cinematography i rewatched i rewatched interstellar and i was reminded how much i hated matt damon showing up in that movie. I was like, do not take me across the universe to Matt Damon. I was so fucking

mad in the theater. Dude, how many I was literally in an IMAX with five other people going like, unbelievable. No! No! Not bad! With five other people going like, unbelievable. No. No. Not that.

Yeah, it was kind of wild. It's just like this incredibly beautiful, delicate, like, buildup of like. Mad games. Yeah, and then he goes, mad games. And then he's a bad guy And you're like I knew you were This is who you are in real life This is who you are in real life How many cinematic

Cinematic masterpieces Could be ruined if The Rock just showed up I know dude What the fuck's he doing here The Rock and Goodfellas Timothy Shamla Rock just showed up. Dude. Yeah, I know, dude. What the fuck's he doing here? Dude. The Rock and Goodfellas, dude. Timothy Shamla was in that movie for like 10 seconds. Yeah.

And then Matt Damon. It's all leading up to Damon, dude. Dude, there's only like four actors. It's fucking so frustrating. That was unforgivable. And I like Matt Damon, but don't put him at a distant star system keep him home do not because you're not thinking

an ice planet on the edge of a black hole right it takes you out of it completely because you're like oh this is Matt Damon your thought is oh like he's alive your thought is Matt Damon. Yeah. Your thought is, oh, like, he's alive. Your thought is Matt Damon. Why is he here?

Yes. Why is he here? Right. I'm not thinking. That's such a good point, dude. That should be in the writer's room. Like, let's find a weird guy that, like, hasn't had a lot of screen time. So it makes you wonder.

It keeps you in the story. Yeah. You could have just put. I'm not thinking about Google hunting at the end of a very spiritual moment. Right. Yeah. And he wasn't part of the marketing. He's doing nothing for you there. Yeah. You could have just put I'm not thinking about Google hunting at the end of a very spiritual moment. Right. And he wasn't part of the marketing. He's doing nothing for you there. Yeah. Now this is a good review. You finally

fucking did it. Yeah. You've been working on good reviews. This is probably the third or fourth attempt at this one. I'll fire it out the kinks. This fucking double whiskey was not my fault. She didn't tell me how much it cost. No, no. It was partially her fault, and you're an alcoholic.

Yeah. But why was it partially my fault? It was $70 of the $200 budget. Yeah, you ordered a double whiskey at Soho House. We're at Soho House. Yeah, but... Things work differently there, Tommy. I would think... Look, the comics... The comics of Soho House. We're at Soho House. Yeah, but... Things work differently there, Tommy. I would think...

Look, the comics... Great ad for Soho House. Unlimited. Unlimited amount. Yeah. You know what I mean? Their tab is taken care of from these rich fucking... I said it.

You know? Yes. We should just be able to have an open tab. I know. Not these Jews counting every fucking penny. I said it. I almost did, but I did. You think it was the Jews?

Always. Yeah. One time I was at a bar. Anyone who gets between me and my booze is a Jew. Sorry, he's a little nationalist. That's an incredible bumper sticker anyway between my booze is the jews dude i ordered a uh a mezcal at some bar in austin like when we first got here

next to that allen's boots there's like this little fucking. That's so funny you remember. Oh, I'll tell you why. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I got a second mezcal, you know, within the hour, a proper time to drink. Late afternoon. I get the tab.

It was $80 a shot. And I was like, hold on. I got two shots. Like neat. Neat pours. Not doubles. Singles.

And it was $80. And I'm like, don't you think you should just, hey, just so you know. That's $40 a shot, right? Huh? That's $40 a shot? No, I got two. $80 shots was $160. Oh, wow.

Jesus. So, like, as a bartender, some young fucking twat bartender who doesn't know, hey, maybe I should give. Tommy Paul. No. No, to maybe give a warning. It's like, this is really top-shelf shit. We have a couple other select...

He just picked one and gave me an $80 shot. That's a fucking no-no. That's a felony. That is... Yeah, that's a fight. That's like a problem. Yeah.

That's why young... You should have to be an old white alcoholic to be a proper bartender. Yeah. In Philly and down the shore, in Jersey in the summers, they're all old white guys. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Do you know what BetterHelp is, Dylan? BetterHelp.com. Yeah. Yeah. Do you have plans for 2025? Yes. Do you use BetterHelp? No, how do I use it?

Well, essentially, you have a blank 365-day calendar to meet your goals and your needs. Your therapy goals. To be a better you. It's a whole new year. It's a whole new year. Yeah. Do you use BetterHelp? No.

Have you tried? Have you ever gone to therapy of any kind? This is online therapy where you get to chat. I actually have used BetterHelp. Oh, nice. Well, there you go. I found a therapist that I really like through them. Cool.

Yeah, yeah. That's great. There you go. Success story. They call that a testimonial. Life isn't about resolutions that fade by February. It's about picking up the pen and becoming the author of your own life. Isn't that nice?

That's nice. You're in control of your own destiny is what they're saying. Totally. In many ways. Think of therapy as your editorial partner, helping you write new chapters and create the meaningful story you deserve to live. But in that regard, it's like you couldn't ever fight them. You know what I mean?

What do you mean? You couldn't fight the therapist? No, I'm saying if you were my editorial partner, you know what I mean? What do you mean? You couldn't find the therapist? No, I'm saying if you were my editorial partner, you know what I mean? Yeah. We'd clash fucking heads. BetterHelp is there to be a good person. You have creative differences.

BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide, access a diverse network of more than 30 000 credential therapists with a wide range of specialties easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost this is huge i flipped i flipped this guy once yeah you got a speed date yeah you gotta find out yeah you gotta find out who's your guy i didn't like him at all but that was probably just me looking at the mirror. You know what I mean? I wasn't ready to be helped that day.

And this poor guy was on the end of the stick. Yeah, but there's professionals. They should be able to fight through it. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's their job. You're telling these people your darkest secret. You got a vibe. You can't be surprised by someone showing up and not being ready

for therapy. You're the therapist. You know what I mean? It's like being a You can't be surprised by someone showing up and not being ready for therapy. Right. You're the therapist. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like being a fitness guy and just being like, yeah, they weren't in shape. Well, this is why they came. This is why BetterHelp is genius because it's like introductory for someone that's never done it before.

You want these safety precautions of going, am I in control? Can I get to this point I need to get to? Yeah. And I feel like I'm doing it the right way. And you can do it all online. You don't have to go to the guy's office and sit there and have him waste an hour. You do an hour of your best material. Write your story with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash stuff island and get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Stuff Island. Be a better person this year. This episode is also brought to you by Rocket Money. Everyone knows. Our listeners know what Rocket Money is all about. It's one of our best.

Yeah, yeah. They basically, they go through, they find where you're spending money on shit you're not using. Unwanted subscriptions. Yeah. And then you just unleash the dogs of war on them. Rocket Money just gets after these

motherfuckers. Rocket Money goes after them. Piranhas. Get the Rocket Money dogs. Yeah, yeah, dude. The Rocket Money dogs. Yeah, dude. The Rocket Money dogs. They are hungry. They're hungry. They're hungry for savings.

Dude, the war room of Rocket Money dogs must be so fun. I feel like we may have talked about this before. It has to be one of the more fun jobs ever. If you're haggling these people on someone else's behalf, you don't care. It's not your money. You're getting paid to do it. You just harass companies.

Stop charging these people. It's probably hard to get that gig. Everybody who's wanted that gig. I can call up these huge institutions that have been fucking me and my friends for years and now I'm in control and I can be like, hey, guess who it is? It's the rocket money oh it's got to be so fun and you're up to you know their tricks you know what i mean

yeah you're on like a first name basis with some of these people it's like don't pull this shit again man to reiterate you sign up for something forget about the after the period ends then you you're charged month after month after month of are there, but you're not using them. In fact, I just learned that 85% of people, this made me feel better, have at least one paid subscription going unused each month. Thanks to Rocket Money, I can see my subscriptions in one place and cancel the ones I'm not using anymore, and now I'm saving the money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills so you can grow your savings

this is one of their new features you can easily create a personalized budget with custom categories and help create keep your spending on track rather see your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money's going you get alerts of bills increase in price there's unusual spending activity or if you're close to going over budget your money's going. You get alerts, the bills increase in price, there's unusual spending activity, or if you're close to going over budget. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions,

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rocketmoney.com slash stuffisland. And they know what booze matters to them. You know, when you get to your beer down here, they're backing you up before you even say anything. They run, dude. They're not these like 23-year-old wannabe fucking actresses in New York City that have no idea how to pour a beer,

nor do they care. They get locked into a conversation with the manager. She's trying to suck his dick for an extra shift. Meanwhile, you're down there shaking, waiting for a little more juice. And then the fucking Jews get in the way. And then the Soho House Jews. Come knocking.

Dude, I had a bad thing with a bartender last night where we went to this little place, uh, not far from us. It was like, it's just this, like it's the fucking, it's a sick bar, but we went in there and there's like 15 people in there. It was like,

perfect. Right. Sit at the bar, have a couple of drinks. It was 10 o'clock and the bartender comes up to us and he's like, uh, yeah, you guys,

um, I'm probably going to close everything down cause I'm not making any money. Uh, so yeah and I was like what there's fucking 15 people in here and so I was like alright man we like we had a drink and I

like we got like another round I was like we'll drink it quick and I gave him like a nice tip being like I felt bad for him I was like alright I'm sorry you know I'm sorry the day sucked and it's like a cool bar and uh didn't say thank you at all jesus christ didn't say thank you at all and then then like a bunch more people came in and kept it open no and he still closed it down and then one of his buddies was in the bar playing pool and went up to him and was like, yo, what are you doing after this? You're going to want to go have some beer?

Oh, my God. And he was like, I don't know, maybe. Yeah, of course he did. It's like, what? He probably matched on his with some fucking pig and was like, I got to get out of here. You can't do that. You can't close down a bar with 15 people in it.

No, not if you're just the manager. No. That's insane. I don't even know. Also, 15 people. What time was it? It was like 10 o'clock yeah that's crazy yeah that's crazy this city has a problem with things closing early yes it does yeah and i don't think that guy had the jurisdiction you don't have this jurisdiction you're you're open i've never i've never... I've met you in Europe. Dude, as a bartender,

as a bartender, being asked, what are you doing after this by anyone other than a chick or someone you're trying to fuck, that's a red flag. You should have went up to him and be like, we'll go with you.

Where are you going? The whole bar just goes to where he goes. No, we'll go with you. Where are you going? The whole bar just goes to where he goes. No, we'll go with you. He'll take a mill of light. He didn't make any money. I also feel like that, dude. When you get in an Uber and they start whining about

their day. Dude. Your story's so different. It's a dude. Your story is so different. It's not yet. Okay. Like the first thing they'll say, it's like, how you doing pal? And you're like, good. How are you?

You know, it's just, I'm not, I don't mean it. Let's just like get it out of the way and shut the fuck up. Right. And he's like, well, it's, you know, God's been slow as hell today. I'm not really making any money. And they start talking about, and then, then he goes into like an Uber. Now there's, they've increased their rates and God, they cut our rates down even more. So I'm like really hurting now. And I'm just trying to make ends meet, man. You're like, yeah. And this is all just a ploy

to get tipped. Yeah. You know, just like this guy going, yo, I'm not making enough money. He probably, he probably closed you out and then worked again. Kept it open. You know, give you a sob story. Well, the no thank you is crazy. The no thank you is... To just not walk up and be like, yo, thanks man. And like, yeah, it's just

you know, bars just... I think it's like a new bar and it's in like a neighborhood that we're gonna move to. So I was like, oh, like fucking, you know, put a little goodwill here you know right support the local team i got nothing and he still closed it and it was like dude it's it couldn't have been a better like this this bar looks like it's fucking it's like a base it looks like like a basement it's awesome it's like that like faux wood paneling all around it's all like new and nice. And there's little TVs everywhere to watch the game and shit. And there's a big pool table.

His buddies are just hanging out playing pool. It's like, fucking just hang, dude. Yeah. Have a drink. Yeah. You're a bartender. Yeah. You got free access to the stuff.

What did you think this job was going to be? Yeah. Right. Closed down at 10 o'clock. It's also like, it's not like a downtown bar. It 10 o'clock. It's also not like a downtown bar. It's like a neighborhood bar. It's like when people get home

from being out drinking, they're going to want to stop by and have a drink. You're at 12 to 2 a.m. That's your hot zone. People rely on you. The neighborhood relies on you. I'm going to rely on you. I was going to be here a lot, and I still am.

You got to get it together, man. You have to change what you're doing. I'm not going to change my behaviors, but don't make me feel shitty about this. Yeah, dude, exactly. I mean, that's the bad part about, like, here we don't have a neighborhood bar that you can just like cruise to i mean you drive 10 minutes yeah but it's nice not having a watering hole like around the corner you know what i mean yeah that you can walk to and just calm down a few hours resting just take it easy i had one of those uh similar uber stories where the uber driver was complaining about tips and then he brought up immigrants and he's like these immigrants

are coming in from Mexico and they're driving cars and he's going on this huge rant and it's getting like real racist but he's Asian so he can't really say anything about it yeah he was Asian? yeah this Asian guy with not

not like how you think he would talk American Asian. He'd talk like you or I second generation right yeah so you could be like so like your dad right yeah you could say it just sounds like your father's story right right that's gone back but the bringing it up in the beginning of like oh I'm

you know yeah Roe is me yeah Roe is me yeah man but that bar thing would make you furious dude also the clothes are 12 anyway right so it's not like he was gonna push it too long no you close at 2 a.m it's a fucking bar no i get it i'm just saying some of these bars it's the perfect situation i don't know for a for a patron 15 people right perfect that's a good amount of people that's a great amount of people it's a little bit busy there's people playing pool if there's three couples if there's five to ten

people you can't close it yeah yeah everyone's chatting kind of like he would get fired if you called the establishment yeah if you called and said hey I was my meal was cut short my drink was forced

down my gullet I threw up outside I'm having health issues now I'm doing laundry all day bleed and puke

and yeah he would get fired if I owned a bar And fucking Josh Closed it early To get some fucking trim I'd be livid You'd get fired immediately

Would you Josh? In this fake story This guy was breaking I don't know I would have respected it If he had the balls To say that If he was like

If he was like Yo Look at this girl Look at this girl Yeah What am I supposed to do? We gotta shut this down Yeah

Yeah we do I'm sorry. This is one of those times where if I don't catch her at the airport. I'm never going to see her again. He gets there. It's just Matt Damon. Oh, Matt Damon's the reason I can't drink. Yeah. Man. Yeah, i would buy that i would love that well in that neighborhood you got some you got some other bars you can peruse right or is this walkable uh you know it was just it was

it was bad timing it was like um it's one of those things where you're, it was, you're thinking about heading home anyway, but you're like, let's pop in. Right. Yeah. And then, then it starts,

you started, the vibe's pretty good. Yeah. And you're like, you know what, let's have a couple. Yeah. And then a guy comes in,

and he's like, you know what, life sucks, and I want to go home. And you're like, yeah, fuck you, man. That's not your attitude.

That can't be your attitude in this job. Did he look like what I think he looks like? Is he just like a fucking... Yeah, he looked exactly like an, man. That's not your attitude. That can't be your attitude in this job. Did he look like what I think he looks like? Is he just like a fucking... Yeah, he looked exactly like an Austin. He was probably one of the guys playing with a cat and a stick. Yeah. Wow.

It's real. There's not that many men around here. Gotta go back to the co-ops. Gotta close this bar early. I'm on tomato duty tonight Like an old school man bartender You know what I mean When you find one you're like yes I don't mean just like an old white dude

Just like a guy that It's just no bullshit There's no Well we had like a really like fucking outgoing bartender the other day at that place and it's just like this is the wrong that guy was the worst bartender i know but it's like give me that guy no i'd rather the whole place shut down this guy was the worst fucking human being you can imagine he was some scrawny little fucking art rat terrible fake fucking beard he was wearing a costume you know he's like hey guys what can i i swear to god dude i'm not

exaggerating back me up hey guys how you doing and i was like good man how are you and he's like well i can't complain and no one listened like that kind of shit yeah and he just kept going dude yeah and he's like you guys want to order some food some grub and then uh it's full it was full like the video game where you like walk into a place and they start up a story, you guys want to order some food? Some grub? And then... It was full, like, the video game where you, like, walk into a place and they start up a story and you'd want to just, like, skip through whatever your backstory is

and I need to buy fucking health from you or whatever. Chris is ordering food and the guy goes... A goober. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Just here to buy a shield. Chris orders food and the guy goes, I don't care that your mother died. He goes, sit behind me. Mom, I'm just here to buy a shield. Chris orders food and the guy goes, I don't care that your mother died.

He goes, sit behind you. Mom just did it. You guys want to jam? So behind me he's like, you can pick any one of these numbers. It's a giant warehouse. There's like six people. And there's numbers on every table.

He's like, any one of these. He's like dancing in front of us. His mouth smelled like he was sucking on horse shit like he was coming over the counter it's like dude you got bad breath you got halitosis you can't be a bartender you can't be spewing some dog shit at me right you know that's fucking rule one it was and then his boss was like he lost his larynx from like smoking meth or something he was out of his fucking skull i hated that it was a totally totally empty beer garden beer garden indoor yeah and all the tables had numbers and

he was like if you guys are gonna order food you got to tell me what table like what number you're at and we're like you turn around it's just empty yeah we're gonna be right there. We're going to be right in front of you. It's only us and you in here. I like a bartender where it's like I kind of I like a bartender where it's like I feel like I'm fighting for their approval. And I get it at the check. Yeah.

My story arc. But efficient, they go, they're not talking much and they're like, you know, I order my drink and they go, that drink? And I go, they're not talking much. And they're like, you know, I order like my drink. And they go, that drink? And I go, yeah, I know. What's the matter, you on your period? Yeah, yeah.

And then by drink eight or whatever, he closed up. And he's not looking at me the whole time, but really efficient. And then the check, he goes, hey, man. And I go, that was it. I've had a good time here. I'll be back. Yeah, I'll be back. Yeah I go, that was it. Yeah. I've had a good time here. I'll be back. Yeah.

I'll be back. Yeah. There's a reason I want your approval so bad. Yeah. Good at your job, but you're not a goober like this guy. Stay out of my face. Stay out of my fucking face.

Yeah. Our, our best friends, you know, it's like a good coach. Yeah. Our bartenders, you want to be a better drinker drinker because of how good they are at serving right yeah totally yeah totally your relationship with me will affect

my relationship with my girlfriend if you're really good at your job you know what i mean i'm coming home slurring a little bit yeah and i now i'm in a fight because you're such a good bartender yeah and i and i like you i thought you were gonna say you come back to your girlfriend you're like no there are good people out there i don't have to stay in this no i'm not a bartender today 65 year old man who frank man no our boys in the story were like they you start to build a relationship after a few months and then you're like, you're their friends, but they also know, like they, they dip in, see how you're doing, do a little fucking safety health check. Yeah. You know, your life check and then let you go when they know you like looking at your

phone. If you're doing an email texting or they just wait at the end of the bar, if there's no one there, you know what I mean? They don't. That's the kind of guy. They're a lot like comics. You got to know when to read, how to read people, read the room. room yeah you know who to sit next to in the green in the green room and when to fucking say hi yeah you know know that guy or girl's probably going through something

right and just wait your turn these bartenders just to give you an idea how often tommy was there look at silver chris over here you're such a fucking rat That's my favorite thing ever They had two Buckets of primed Paper planes Just like a cocktail Do you know what a paper plane is? No what's a paper plane?

I don't even know It's usually bourbon Lemon juice and Campari or Aperol And I switched it for Mezcal It's usually bourbon, lemon juice, and Campari or Aperol. And I switched it for Mezcal. So before they add the lemon juice, they add all of the ingredients. They add all the ingredients in pre-batch because when it gets busy,

it's like kind of a cocktail bar slash beer bar. A little bit of both. They have a meal plan for the week. Yeah. Gotta get the summer wear. meal plan for the week yeah he filled up he filled up eight empty mezcal bottles full of this mixture and then you just add the lemon juice because the lemon juice would spoil if it sat too long right it changes the acidity will change the whatever and i could see these things dwindling like throughout the week you could count you could see these things dwindling. Like throughout the week, you could count.

You could see your consumption. You know what I mean? You know that trick for smokers? They say put all your cigarettes into a great bear. Yeah, like a big bucket. A water jug. So you're like, it starts to like dissolve and you see the fluids and you think that's your lungs. And you go, I got to stop this shit. I'm just watching these bottles empty and empty go i gotta stop this shit i'm just watching

these bottles empty and empty and i'm like i'm one fucking bottle six it's like sunday dude man you're probably one of the few ordering them yeah no no one's ordering them that's why they made me my it just said pope's plane he put he labeled it he labeled it Pope's plane. Yeah, that might be the bigger signifier. Yeah, having your name on the jersey of the model. Pretty fucking embarrassing. God, I'd miss that place. Shut up, Maggie. There's a Mezcal salesman that's just like,

I don't know, I'm killing it in this one place. I quit at 10 p.m. I don't know, I'm killing it in this one place. I quit at 10pm. I don't do anything else. I am moving way through this fucking bar. Who is that man? Who is that man that orders those people plates? So you're sober. No, I'm not.

No, no. He's a proud... You mean sober right now? He's not. No, no. I drank last night. He's a proud... You mean sober right now in the day. He's a proud semi-sober because he used to be a real pile of shit. So now he sees me drinking on his high horse. No, no, no. No, no, no. I'm only giving you shit because you said

you were going to do dry January. Oh, so you're being a good friend. Yes. I'm looking out for you. Alright, well you're being disrespectful while I'm doing it. Well, someone's got to call you out on it. Yeah, I fuck with it. What do you do for me? I know. At least give me a reach around.

You can make me feel bad, dude. $70. I'm a $200 dad. Fuck you for bringing that up. That's so funny. I thought that's just like That's so funny I forgot I haven't even drank it No that's insane dude that's not my fault

It's a very normal I'll fucking die on this hill dude Ordering a double bourbon Bullet bourbon should be $14, $15 Max $16 if you're at a fancy place. The Soho House.

$35. Suck my dick. If I knew that, I would order four. Yeah. I would say Dylan wants one too. Thank you. And then I want to drink it. Wow.

Because fuck you too. And then you could critique me on this pot today. You drink a lot. No, I don't. Dude, you are such a fucking liar. I love to drink. I love to drink. Yeah. Half your are I don't drink I know I know but I've been taking like a taking a break I don't drink often are you taking a Tommy break or a break man yeah let's go I'm improvising yeah yeah sometimes I'm not yeah I'm rolling with it yes and you know yeah that's what i think

so sometimes like i like to feel the booze yeah i don't understand the two drink 100 percent of course dang that yeah that doesn't feel like that feels weird oh i'm just gonna get a headache and go to bed yeah yeah i want to get shit faced every once in a while yeah yeah that's a healthy relationship with it though that's good people say otherwise but i disagree the fuck out of here you still yeah i'm gonna drink right like if i could take it'd be nice to take a month off right and then if i could take three to four or five days off during the week so i could drink during the weekend that's a that's a normal working class guy's booze schedule. And then all these medical journals come out like, there you go, two drinks a week.

If you're a male, between 30 and 45. It's like, bro, who do you think this is for? Yeah, you're not going to understand this, but there's other things you can do, like going to the gym and stuff like that. It helps process all the booze. Yeah, you're not going to understand this, but there's other things you can do, like going to the gym and stuff like that. Oh, why would I understand? It helps process all the booze. Yeah. So that it negates all the negative.

Is that how you justify? It negates all of it. Yeah. It wipes the cocaine away and stuff. Two miles on a treadmill, dude. I didn't sleep with a hooker at all. It's sweating them out. There is something to that.

No, of course there is. Yeah, sweating out that booze. It does seem crazy because it's like the restrictions that the medical community puts on your drinking is like insane. Right. Like four drinks a week. Yeah. And then I live to 120.

I mean, how could... Yeah, with no friends. With nothing to say. you don't know any bartenders yeah with what like by that like their outline for what the number should be it's like then i should be dead right now yeah it's not real right yeah how could that because i quad trubled that number yeah i've died 120 times no i like my my sister-in-law's a doctor and she's like look the reality is two drinks if you're a normal person two drinks a day is it should be your max if you're drinking every day two two drinks yeah and if it's like for your body to process

and break down all that stuff but again again, that depends on your activity, your exercise levels, all that stuff. Dude, my brother got his like, his like gene, genome mapped or whatever. And they like,

they prescribed him. They were like, you need to drink like a glass of red wine every day. Because it was blood? It was good for your heart. Yeah.

Blood flow. He doesn't drink at all? No, he drinks. Yeah. He fell asleep on the boat. Dude, the boat dude the boat was like we went out

three hours like rocking like this and he's just like like that's crazy yeah man having that piece I guess he was blacked out

he was probably fucked up well it was funny he started like monitoring his sleep I don't even know yeah whatever I don't think he'd care

see how you're flopping around and shit no because he like he he's like he's always like he's like tired in the afternoon always just take a nap and like he was a lawyer what yeah of course he's gonna be tired he's fucking bored out of his skull and he's got o'connor brain you're just like it's yeah this isn't broken you're fighting it like yours no it is hey it's broken but he manages yeah yeah yeah he's got he's got a stronger muscle you think he floats around the office the way you walk around your living room a hundred percent

he'd be fired a hundred percent no he's like the best i love that's just what his yeah what's your relationship with it like with booze um he lies i love it i yeah i don't know i love it. Yeah, I don't know. I love it, but I don't know. I've got to find some way of dealing with it. He's just got a girl nipping at his heels, so he acts like he's better than everybody. Right. I got one of those, too, but I'm 100%. That knows nothing about my life.

Most of the things Tommy says is deflection of his own dream. I know. I just said I got the same thing. I got the same thing. But I'm going to be honest. And I'm not going to be pretentious about it. I'm going to tell you I have a few drinks. Yeah, that's true.

That's good. That's good. You know? You don't think I stopped on my own? I think it's, yeah, I think it was two-par. I think she pushed you. No, I made the choice originally. Well, you have to do it. Then she got on board.

She slowed her drinking down because I stopped. You getting phone calls and shit saying you can't drink. And you being like, duh. That was more just like generally like, you know. Sometimes it's like, you know. My emotion came out of out because of an old argument my my thing was it was like early on in the relationship and i would have one beer and then we'd get in some like argument she'd be like i hate i hate when you drink

this is driving me insane yeah and then then you're like a half a bottle of whiskey wouldn't change what i'm saying you're not even close dude yeah then i did i did there was a yeah now we're getting down to brass tacks then i was like i did have a time where i was like you know what i'm not gonna drink so that I can fight and there's no excuses. Damn. I like this. That was the thing where it's just like, I was sober when these fights.

Yes. It's like, I'm going to be sober so that this isn't an out for the argument. Yeah. Which is crazy, but it had to be done. What's crazy is spiking her drinks. Just blow into this. Let me see if you had a drink today.

Just putting green alcohol in her juice. Look at you looking. You sound like you've been having a little wet lunch. Subjecting whiskey into her bloodstream yeah you're like there's soap yeah

it backfires she's just great and horny all the time oh no man yeah what's your what's your drink of choice

I like these days it's been vodka soda just cause I like to get it done. Jesus Christ. Then, like, if I'm actually enjoying myself, it's an old-fashioned. Yeah. I like an old-fashioned. I think you'd like a paper plane.

You would love a paper plane. I would love to try one. We'll have one at the bar. Okay. It'll take us. Fine. Paper planes are so good. They're fucking great, right?

They're so good. You you get what is it like you know not the ingredients but give me like the feeling or like it's an old-fashioned tendency it does it has a little bit but it's it's more it's less it's like a it's more of an afternoon drink it's got like a like a lighter vibe because it's very citrus i'm up i'm at the game i'm standing because tommy brought us to a bar that no one could sit you don't have to fucking go at all, I want to go to the bar, Luke can leave now too

if he wants, no, when Bill's game will be over they can all go fuck themselves I'm going to have a good time with the owner the owner's going to be on the record get you sad now I'm already nervous about what? The game. Yeah, it's a scary one.

It's a scary one. Who are all scary? Who are all scary today? They're playing the Packers. They're playing the Green Bay Packers. Right. You're saying that last night. So you're not a football guy? Not really.

Sports guy at all? Not really. Interesting. I had Broncos when I was growing up a little bit, but that's about it. The Broncos? Yeah, Broncos. Wait, you grew up in Colorado? Yeah, I grew up in colorado yeah i grew up

in colorado uh aurora it's like a suburb of denver all right yeah you were there for the shooting dude i was i i was at the theater right next door just wearing my batman costume i was wearing my Bad man costume Jerking off that night No no I was at the theater You were at the theater? No the theater next to it Because everything was sold out

Except for the two theaters I chose the theater I usually go to But then the one next to it Was the one that got shot And there was like people from our school Parents got It was a whole nuts thing and back then the shootings were like uh still a pretty big deal yeah you hear about them now and you go oh that's terrible and then you know yeah then you look at uh you know florilla or names or whatever

but yeah so then got out of the theater there's all these cops there it was a wild time so they say something in the altitude colorado everyone the bullets fly faster yeah they fly faster but also like something there's been a lot of mass shootings in colorado for some reason i think the altitude people say the altitude makes people crazy no they're just fucking weirdos yeah i think they're just fucking weirdos. Yeah, I think they're just fucking weirdos. Let's be safe for what it is. Because it's actually one of the sunniest. It's a state full of fucking weirdos.

It's a state of weirdos, but it's beautiful. It's beautiful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It really is, dude. Yeah, you got to hide those freaks in the woods. Yeah, got to. They can look at stuff. Yeah.

You get any school shooter, you say, well, how about you hunt down a mountain lion? You occupy him for a year. Yeah. Yeah. Get it done. The thing is, these guys aren't athletic and they don't really care about. I played football, though, in high school, but that was about it. Did you guys play?

Yeah. I played. Yeah. I played like Little League. No, I stopped. I stopped in junior year. I also stopped in junior year. Because I didn't grow.

I couldn't see over the front line. What did they have you playing? I was a quarterback. Really? Yeah. Starting and I couldn't. The dudes were huge. I was having trouble.

Really? You couldn't sling it? Couldn't see it? No, I could sling it. I couldn't see. I was like five fucking six. Yeah, but how big was the offensive line? You were tall enough to be a quarterback?

They were big boys. Okay. You were saying you weren't tall enough to be a quarterback? I stopped after junior year. Yeah, but how big was the offensive line? You were tall enough to be a quarterback? They were big boys. Okay. You were saying you weren't tall enough to be a quarterback? I stopped after junior year. Yeah. Because I was pursuing baseball at the time. I played basketball too, but baseball was like what I really enjoyed. Yeah.

And I just didn't see a future. Yeah. I was starting, but I was like, I'm not having fun. Our team sucked. Right. And I liked the other sports we were one of the best teams in the in the league if not the best team for the first four years of baseball so i was like this is great we're fucking we're the best yeah sorry i just saw you why are you laughing you just had like a

flashback in your eyes what back when i was happy not sitting around with fucking drunk weirdos i'm chilling your favorite thing in the world? Yeah. 100%. I didn't know what to go with. Dude, I used to... I'm just going to call you out for what it is. Who else is going to do that?

I used to pretend to throw up to get out of running. That's what I would do. Me and the other fat guys, we would go on the side of the field and throw. I've done that. I've done that. I didn't fake puke, but I would fake pulling a hamstring or something.

Especially, there were times where I was like... Because if you're pulling a hamstring, you'd be out for two weeks. You could fake it. Three weeks. The whole thing's fake. I could be quick rehab quick rehab yeah so yeah but there were just times where i was like i'm in shape and i don't need to do this yeah i can't this is just punishment and i don't get it yeah i i hate yeah i like my whole life was living in fear of sprints yeah same like it preoccupied me if practice never had sprints i would have a whole different it'd just be fun in peewee football we had uh weighted

divisions so 60 70s 80s 90s 110 okay and they would make the fat kids run in trash bags to get weight to weigh in yeah so like my o-line would just run literally put them in trash yeah they didn't have those you know those that whatever their shirts and pants are that are essentially the heated trash bag yeah right that make you sweat out all the weight i don't think yeah yeah i think it's all bad no they would just pop them in a fucking hefty glad bag but it's running around right because it's like you're only losing the waterway at that point mostly waterway yeah and i remember with with our football team it was a punishment thing they'd be like you guys gotta run until you all puke that was how you would get out

that's like that's when they knew to stop because they were crazy yeah and then so but then i was thinking i'm like bro i'm like 230 pounds and the kid that weighs 120 we're running the same amount of sprints that guy's gonna sprint all day yes so i'm going to the side of the field i'm gonna shove my fingers down hit my tonsil and get out of this shit yeah i've never done that i've never pulled your trigger yeah like in life yeah oh it's the best i've never done it dude it's a i don't really puke i know the minute i have to puke but we'll like puking you can put it off for hours you can just go pull the trigger and get rid of your headache and i know instantly i know instead of you know you probably wasted 10 hours, 12 hour days

feeling like shit when you could have just... 100%. But I just can't do it. Puking, I hate the idea of it. Oh, it's great, man. I hate the idea. What's so bad about it?

It scares me. Everything's coming out of you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the wrong end. Yeah. Totally. Yeah, the taste and like...

Ugh. It's horrible. Once I saw me throw up. You don't throw up? Once I saw me throw up. Man,

it's been a while. It's been a minute, but it is instant relief after. Yeah, I've never, I've never thrown up from drinking.

I've shit in my pants before the last time I threw up. Definitely. It's probably been like two, three years since I threw up. Yeah, shit in your pants

that's like an everyday you're always flirting with it oh my god yeah no no i fart no i don't i mean i fart in the morning i'm very consistent with my toots yeah because i flop around when i sleep so i'm just rotating the bubbles and then when when I get up, sit up straight, I release like a few, a few burns. All night tossing and turning. So you work the bubbles. Yeah. It's part of it. Get them through.

It's part of it. You're a tisser here. Yeah, you gotta put them in a test, dude. Oh man. But yeah, after that, it's pretty random. It would have to be a wild food item that flipped my stomach. Ever since I got back to Texas, I've had the itchiest asshole. Ew, that's because you're not cleaning.

You don't have the... I clean it. Well, that's where it's from. It's bacteria. It's not being cleaned. I think it's just dry. It's just been dry in the apartment. You think your asshole's drying out in your apartment?

Yeah. Does anyone else have that problem? You have a dry asshole? I don't want to get in the middle of this. Yeah, it's dry air. It's getting to my ass. Well, you're not wearing fucking lingerie. You got underwear and jeans.

I know, but the air gets through all that. And into my butthole. Dries it out. You never had a dry butthole. Drives it out. You never had a dry butthole? I had an itchy asshole like once in my life. Do you put lotion on your butthole? No. No, my anxiety sweats

get it all fucking moist all day long. No, that's what causes the itch. If that were true, dude, I'd be fucking dogging right now. I'm telling you right now, it ain't anxiety. Tommy, are you on bidet game? Yeah. Nice.

Yeah, I got bidets in both toilets. Damn, that's great. Yeah. That changed my life like eight years ago. Yeah. The bidet is amazing. It's fucking unbelievable. They're so cheap.

It's like a hundred bucks, dude. Get it done. How you don't have one of those? Because before that, I would just wet paper towel or paper tissue and, you know, do a little whop. Yeah. Doesn't it crumble, though? Yeah, it could if you don't have the fucking nice stuff. Yeah.

That's why you go dry. I would go dry, wet, dry. Yeah, exactly. Dry, you get all the material out. Yeah. Wet, you do the deep clean. Yeah, and then dry it off. And then dry it off. Well, that's what I do. I do for the bidet. Yeah. Wet, you do the deep clean. Yeah. And then dry it off. And then dry it off.

Well, that's what I do. I do for the, for the day. It's like breading chicken. You get. Dry by dry. These are all. These are all chicken metaphors for shit. Oh, no.

You're talking about a red t-shirt. That's when you fart a lot. I got chicken on mine. Yeah. No. I'll do it. Chickens chickens do you go to costco tommy no we have costco yeah gotta go more dude check out what i did and you boys are pumped all right and john you can listen for free here we go five dollar rotisserie chicken from oh she gets it all the time. Amazing. Then I get the two bags of cheese, Kirkland cheese, shredded cheese.

Then I get, for less than $5, 40 tortillas. Yeah. You got 20 quesadillas for less than $20. There you go, dude. Yeah, with protein in them. Yeah. And I have a quesadilla maker at home. You can also pre-wrap those, put them in the freezer. Yeah.

If you want to make 10, 12 of them. They're great for anything, Josh. Josh, are you fucking listening? You have no respect or response? He's not excited about your fucking tortillas. I love Costco. He's worried about Vikings Rams tomorrow night. They're playing in a neutral site.

Big win for you guys. That is huge for you guys. Actually, it doesn't matter. I mean, LA's a neutral site anyway. No, I mean. That stadium sucks. site big win for you guys yeah that is huge for you actually it doesn't matter i mean la is a neutral site anyway no i mean that stadium sucks it does but it's still you're not at home they're not at home what the vikings yeah yeah i'm just saying if the vikings played the rams in la it'd be all vikings. Right. Because no one gives a shit. I'm sorry. I was thinking about how great that story was about your chicken and cheese.

That is brilliant. I thought it was good. It is. I'm kidding. I think it helped a lot of people out, actually, Thomas. It is. Let us know in the comments. I'm telling you. You get less than 20 bucks you got meals for a week. I'm thinking right now

about how much I would enjoy opening the fridge and seeing a rack of chicken cheese tortillas. Yeah. Primed, ready to go. Yeah. Throw it in the microwave.

Bam. Boom. Yeah, put some sauce in there. Yeah. Do you make your own sauces? No, I want to. Yeah? Do you want to do a look at

this with us yeah of course i do uh doesn't know what it is the rotisserie agreed and one more thing i about the costco if if anyone hasn't you got to go go Kirkland toilet paper. I tell everyone I know, get the Kirkland toilet paper. It's high quality. It is cheap. What's the value? It's thick. Seems like three. It's at least three.

Yeah. Yeah. It's good shit. Kirkland. That's where we get our stuff. Yeah. And we go to Central Market for the in-between stuff instead of doing big hauls every month. Yeah.

Costco is for the essentials that you use every day yeah get paper towels tubes of toothpaste don't think about toothpaste ever again yeah costco's got great fruit too costco's got great heavily modified so i i haven't been to costco since new york about 12 years ago and we're taking our cart around getting all this stuff and i forget that every single item is bulk, right? For some reason, I forgot when I got to the fruit. So I pick one pomegranate off, and this old rich lady's, like, staring at my cart.

She's in, like, leopard pants, and she goes, where'd you get the one pomegranate? And I was like, oh, I just grabbed it. And her husband's like, I can't just grab one pomegranate and then my girl hears it and they all just laugh in my face about this one and i put it she goes yeah they're like five dollars a piece i did the math fuck it let's go nice dude but yeah central markets's our spot Fuck Whole Foods

Yeah what's the deal with Central Market It's the quality of Whole Foods but at a decent price To be honest The cheese and meat The deli is fucking unbelievable Dude I had their cookies once there Cookies are great she's a good cookie gal I got cookies and I got milk

And you made a tortilla And I get that rotisserie chicken and that cheese. No, dude, I went to Central Market once. I get the, I got cookies and I got like the milk that comes in the glass jar. Like the Bowman's nice milk. Mel, he says milk like Foley.

M-E-L-K. Milk, yeah. Foley says milk. Milk? Milk. Milk. Yes, he says milk like Foley. M-E-L-K. Foley says milk. Milk? Milk. Milk. Yes, there you go. Milk.

Milk. He's just sliding through it. Yeah. So I have my cookies. It's more of a, it's a vibe shift, not really a linguistic. Right, it's a vibe-based decision. It's not even about other words for that. Yeah, so I get my cookies and milk, and this lady literally stops me,

and she goes, are you just getting cookies and milk? And I was like, yeah. And she goes, ha! She's just about to change her mind. I think she was like Liked it Good for you for answering truthfully Where you went pajamas

Now this is I'm just starting I was looking for the cart For the other things Fruits and vegetables after What a bitch I didn't even have a cart I had milk in one hand and cookies in the other things. Fruits and vegetables after. Yeah. What a bitch. Yeah, I didn't even have a cart. I just held, I had milk in one hand and cookies in the other.

Chocolate chip? Yeah, chocolate chip. But something devastating happened at the Central Market. One time I went to go get the chocolate chip cookies, and then I went home and I looked at the batch, and it was chocolate chip cookies with hatched chilies. It was fucking disgusting. It was

gross. So I just had all this chili in the cookies. Oh my god. I hate people trying to add spice. Yeah, you don't need to. Your version of like you know, fancing it up is not cute to me. No. And if I sauce whoever came up with that, I would love up is not cute to me. No. And if I saw, like

whoever came up with that, I would love to punch them in the face. It's probably a bartender. One of those bartenders. You gotta try my cookie recipe. Yeah, it's definitely someone who just moved to Texas and is like, I'm gonna make a little Texas cookie. And some chilies too. No!

Just get those chilies out. Make a peanut butter cookie instead. You eat cookies, Chris? Yeah, I a peanut butter cookie instead you eat you eat cookies chris yeah i like peanut butter cookies nice oatmeal raisin sugar cookie classic sugar right sugar cookie yeah i've had a falling out with chocolate chip yeah i've always i've always been on the fence just something it's it's very rare that you get a good one it's a good consistency too yeah it's like a meat to bun ratio they fuck it up they put too much chocolate yeah the chocolate chips are like the star of the show it's like they compliment the cookies yes yes they shouldn't be you see those you know instagram stories online where someone spreads

apart a chocolate cookie and he was like look at all this fucking chalk that's disgusting that was a big fight i used to 100 yeah it was a big fight i had with my mom when i was a kid arms crossed yeah yeah because you'd be making chocolate chip cookies and i was like he's 40 dude i was like make make a bunch without the chips in it. The fact that this still lives in your head, dude. And she was like, no, I'm making chocolate chip cookies. I'm like, the chips are the worst part of the cookie. Just get them out.

It started a big fight. It was a huge thing. She couldn't understand the concept. And then I remember people used to say this to me and I never knew what it meant when they go, you're poor mother.

And then I met Chris and I'm like you're poor mother. Imagine dealing with miniature Chris having the same, you know, same anchor and overthinking everything. Oh, your mom. Yeah. Good Lord.

And then she made one without the chips in it, and it wasn't. It was also wrong. I learned a lot about myself. That's so funny. But I didn't let her know she was right yeah it was like what i realized that although i didn't like the chips they were adding something to the cookie do you know what i think it is and this is what turned me off as a young kid they use semi-sweet and i my palate wasn't ready for bitter yeah chocolate chip cookie if you use milk chocolate it's so much easier but i like bitter now so semi-sweet chocolate or dark chocolate or 70 cocoa or whatever it is yeah yeah semi-sweet morsels just by themselves i fucking always hate it yeah my mom would use that in the batch so it made it like a bitter sour

right instead of overly rich sweet it's like when you get coffee when you're not ready for coffee yeah 100 or you have you they fuck up your coffee order and it's a fucking chai yeah and you're like this is not the spice i want in my face right now right you kind of have to develop that taste over time yeah you gotta you gotta start with like the milk chocolate and then you know you have those life experiences and life knocks you the fuck out yeah resentments you got anything to plug buddy uh yeah uh i got a podcast with my friend Patrick Depari. It's called Smudge Hawks.

Smudge Hawks? Yeah. Smudge Hawks, one word. It's just hawks. We saw a hawk one that took a picture of a hawk and it was smudgy and I was like, that's exactly what we are. It's just some fucking smudge hawks.

Smudge Hawks, one word. Me and Patrick Depari and I'm on uh instagram if you can believe it well thank you dude hell yeah thanks for having us