Stuff Island - Five Farms - Stuff Island #217

Episode Date: January 1, 2026

Happy New Years from Stuff Island! Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

nuts he's so unfortunate looking good thing he's rich tennis put he used to he was a haughty when he was young now now he's yeah all kids are hot he he got Jesus well you know what I mean like old man dude you're looking extra do you see that did you see that did you see that that that Instagram real I sent you of that guy yeah he's he's shaped his beard into like full like Greek marble statue. Yeah, of course he has a bun too, and he fucking, he cut out the neck of his sweater.

You got a little of him going on right now with the turtle neck. I'm getting, you could be walking out of fucking Yeah. I just need some Spanish chick with a fake ass to kick into the back of a Lamborghini. Sit the fuck now. We're making a real pig.

No, I got, I mean, this year to last year, I just started growing this out for tires. like a week ago i totally forgot i was like oh shit i gotta oh yeah you gotta get the beard going yeah i think i looked at your goatee and i was like oh shit i'm gonna get my costume go yeah yeah it's coming i mean if i hold in a sneeze or a fart it grows like a half inch dude it's i call four times it comes out a bit it's coming in nice though but it's all gray oh it's coming it's so nice dude the white beard makes you look yeah it's crazy fucking nuts, dude. I think so. I think so, dude, to go back to our old, I think I'm going to darken my eyebrows and just mustache. Not yet. Not yet, but it's coming, dude. I want to see what it looks like. I want to look like a cartoon. Dude, you would look. All you could, you could just switch your career to stepping out of Ferraris and walking out of Balenciaga or whatever those fucking stores are. Yeah. What do you do for work, pal? I step out of Ferraris.

Yeah, I walk. I walk from the store to my car with a hot chick. Yeah, I break fingers, beating off pussy. Speaking of beating off pussy. I met, I met Zach Efron last night. You did. I'd kill Tony. Yeah, I did kill Tony last night.

Hell, yeah. How's he doing? Was he hanging out with... No, he just walked up to steps to the waiting area between both states. in the green room with like a couple dudes when I was like oh shit

and then he just shook my hand he was like what's up man I'm Zach and I'm like damn I fucking know

how you doing we just talked for like a minute he's the man he's the fucking man I don't know if he stuck him off for the show but yeah

I also I wasn't going to be like you know following him in the green room and talking on I'm sure he was trying to fuck all the waitresses is diamond eyes

I don't think he has to try exactly he just stands there and they get stuck to him. Yeah, he's like, put it in the bag. Put her in the bag. It's just a giant carry-on bag.

He's like Magneto. A giant to-go target bag. Six feet long. Dude, I bet he walks, yeah. He probably walks in his front door and it's just has chicks stuck to him all. It's like, God, God, damn it. Like tracking mud into the house. His dick is like an old workhorse.

It's like, enough. He plowed so many fields, dude. Put me to fucking pastor. You take your chicks off at the door, please. Yeah. Can you put your pussy, the umbrella holder? I didn't want you track and gum all over my carpet. Just an old leaky waitress from fucking Miami.

A leaky waitress. How long you think women's, do they leak come when they get the Boston cream? Do you think they just, they slowly leak the whole day if you got a nice, you know, Jason Burke? It depends how deep it was, it depends how deep the deposit was, I guess. True. Do you know Jason Burke? Remember Jason? Yeah.

Yeah. He left me a voice memo via text and he said he thought of me. It's crazy. But then he described this mature. porn he was watching where this British lady was sucking this dude off and she said I want all of you come I want three days worth of come fill up

my whole meaning her face and the guy's reaction was honest she's like three days it's a lot I can give you like a day and a half I mean it's like a day and a half that's also just like my

my shitty brain with dirty talk I'd be like three days yeah that's a lot I'd immediately go right to where your brain went. It's like, how does, what do you mean three days? Right, right. Yeah, it's like CK's bag of dicks. I got to suck all the dicks. What if I don't fill you up with three days to come? Are you going to be pissed off? Are they all mush together? Are they like upright, like a bag of baguettes? What does a bag of dicks even look like? Three days of, like, what do you, like, what's the rate? How fast do you, yeah, how fast do you leak in it? Are you eating it? Yeah. Do you wait until it comes out,

and then you consume it? Like, what's the... How much is three days? It's definitely varying, you know? It's varying depending upon your ball production. Three days, it's too big of a number. Whatever comes out, you're going to be like, that's not... Yeah.

That's maybe enough for, like, a light hike. I've never came three days' worth of average come. Look, we got right into the holiday spirit, didn't we? I've aspired. I meant to get some 2026 sunglasses or fucking party glasses. Oh yeah? Because you got fucking balls.

The last episode that we couldn't fucking release, I was wearing a goddamn Santa hat. I think that's what the curse was. I finally put on a goddamn holiday costume because fucking meat and cheese tits was like we should stop by the dollar tree. You were shining too bright. You were shining too bright.

I couldn't be seen. Yeah, that's why you hit the button twice by accident. You were just thrown by my gorgeous costume. I finally watch the video that I sent. It's just me standing up and turning it off. Send that to Josh because he's going to make a clip about... I think that's the only thing that's in the drop box right now. We just me going...

Just you standing up and turning around. Just drunkenly going. I got it. Well, we released the audio. Apparently we're getting a lot of feedback about the bit about Josh shit in his shitting his pants. We went off on him for like six straight minutes. So we're going to try and clip.

that up and then just put your face in here and there every time you talk into a fucking, you know, a little pick format, picture and picture asshole and picture format. Stevie Cooper. It was our fucking Christmas episode that was ruined.

That's... It was. Second worst to Owen. I think that makes sense. Who has a Christmas that doesn't get ruined? You know what I'm saying? Perfect, dude. There you go. Now you get the title for the bonus episode we're going to release. or Chris isn't even in it. Just a talking head.

Like Shane on the Peyton cast. The Manning cast. We're floppy in there every time you speak. I didn't even get a chance to talk to him about it. Was he on a delay? That's got to just be seemed like it. Yeah, it's fucking hell. You can't pretend to give a shit about the game.

No one really cares. And then every now and then they have to say something analytical about the sport of football and then you're like, well, that's not interesting. You get the funniest comic in the fucking world on there and you're...

Yeah, but you got Peyton and Eli they're pretty good. Yeah, they're great. They're great for what they do. You get some snap counts going. You get, you know, I love all that, like, what the pre-snap

communications like. Yeah. That's why Romo's the best, dude. Romo's even better than Aikman. It's like he gets a nitty- I don't know. I think Romo might have lost his touch.

No, Romo's, blacked out now. Like, you can hear him slurring his... Brady's on his heels. Brady is on his heels, but he's still robotic and fucking... And I got to give it up. I got to give it up to Greg Olson. Greg Olson.

I think he might be number one. 100%. I think he might be number one. I think Greg Olson's going to get buried like Barrel or Darryl Moose Johnson. He was a famous wide receiver or I'm sorry, tight end for the... For the Cowboys. Moose. What happened to Moose?

Did he get pushed out? I think he got pushed out. yeah the tight ends typically you know no pun intended to give they get pushed out and it's like unfortunately unfortunately the quarterbacks they're all knowing they know the offense the defense the special teams they have to know every fucking thing on the field it's the hardest position and they typically have the best leadership and and and communication skills i know i know but i think i think i think i think i think he's a student of the game I think he knows

I think he knows every position I think he's I think he's gonna hang in there for a while I think he's gonna do great yeah I think he's gonna do great too Chris I think he's gonna do great I don't think he's gonna have a long career I don't think he's gonna go the way of moose

did you talk about Gurdon yet did we talk about Gurdon the last episode I don't I don't know if we did let's talk about you meet your fucking hero man dude so you went to Chicago to do those shows went to Chicago

first of all I I changed my flight to leave at the very earliest flight possible so that I could meet Gruden. No, because you're fucking insane. That flight winds up getting canceled. And the flight that I was on, I had to, like, scrant. I just went to the gate. Like, I just went to a gate for a flight that I wasn't on and was just like, please, I have to get there. I have to get there.

It's like a holiday movie where you're meeting your wife in an airport. It was. It was home alone. It was home alone. I was fully going Dude John is there and he's not with me

I need to be with him He'll leave your luggage behind So what happened? No I did I drove in like a van with John Candy And they dropped me off at Barstool It's plain Trains and automobiles

Greatest holiday movie of all time I said this on the Patreon last week one of the fans asked what are your favorite holiday movies and obviously you went through the classics

but planes trains and automobiles it's an unknown holiday movie sneaky good yeah the way diehard is you know

I don't remember a single scene from that movie die hard to be honest no die hard yeah I know die hard planes trains on automobiles

planes planes trains and automobile I just remember him and What's his name? Fighting in the car lot. Steve Martin. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a coordinated vape. We're locked in, dude. Yeah. We're locked in. Yeah. You're clipped that, dude. I mean, cut it. Cut it.

Cut the vape. Cut the vape right out. My girl's going to watch this. Let's find another reason to fucking yap at me when I get home. Yeah. Well, it's, you know. It's the season. Tis the season, man.

Tis the season. You've got to find something. They're like coaches. You know what I mean? Yeah. We're like, even if things are going well, they're like, I can't have this team feeling good about itself. Right.

You know what I mean? You get laxadaisical, especially around the holidays. They lose their focus. 100%. And they got to start criticizing things that aren't even wrong just to keep you engaged. Yeah, well, I had to do fucking 30 laps today. no fucking reason and we've been winning I had to do a bunch of laps

you're on the end line on the end line paper towel roll wasn't full whistle to the 10 back to the goal line up to the 20 back to the call line make it all the way to 100 you fat fucking eat we're timing it we're timing yeah

for what if you don't do it in 50 seconds you got to do another oh man that was just punishment for fat kids yeah as they should be I should be bullied. I remember.

I don't know about that. When it's the O line. No, true. But this is the fucking... Dude, I remember we'd have the chunky kid on the O line and it's just like, you're going to make us all hate this kid? Yeah. He can't do a down and back in under a minute.

It's like, come on. Yeah, it's like Gomer Pyle. He'd put in fucking Irish spring in a sock and beating the fuck. I don't want a top bunk. At least... well at least for like like uh hold on let me need this one no like literally peebee football it's all weight weight class so that we'd have to put our fatties in a trash bag and they'd run around the the field for a while sweat it off and jump back on the scale

we had like two hours to get weighed in it's like it's like it's fucking ufc and it's like dude this is this is fucking we're 70 pound kids this kid comes in at 75 it's like well that monster came out of his mom's vagina way too big his skull's huge he's longer than us of course he's going to a struggle and then they just fed him

hot dogs as soon as he made weight they gave him a plate of fucking hot dogs and that kid would be like I'm going to quit and you'd be like why would you? Yeah no this is great man

why would you quit man this is fun I wake up every day and I'm exactly the weight I'm supposed to be yeah kids Genetically disabled

can't eat for a day is wearing a plastic bag dude would literally put them in trash bags this is before like to fucking I swear to God like you would squeeze the head over a fucking glad bag and then have this kid run around

because it would create moisture so we can sweat out it's just starving starving and sweating moving the little army guys like positioning the army guys playing with like a tonka truck literally sitting on an excavator

like a tonka excavator All the excess saliva, 30 calories, 30 calories. We got to get fucking Josh in a glabag. Get that five farms out of his fucking tits. Dude, yeah. No, he's bulking. He's bulking. Yeah, he's bulking.

It's wintertime. I swear a couple months ago, Josh was bulking. Then he said he was starving himself. I was bulking, and then I committed too much. And now I got fat tits. Dude, what are you bulking for? I got meat and cheese. What would you bulk for?

Well, I was trying to go up, and I was, I wanted to get to, like, 190 pounds of, like, meat. You're not 190 pounds? Well, now I'm 190. Now I am. But I wasn't. For what? Like, bench power? Doing like 315?

325? I just wanted to gain more weight. I was feeling a little skinny, skinny mini. So then I tried to gain weight, and I went a little too far with it. And now I get made fun of it. And then what happens when you start to feel skinny? You start to feel like you're, like, you get pushed around? Yeah, I feel like I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, uh, uh,

A man. A man. If I'm under 180, I feel like a pussy. You think your 30-pound wife is going to fucking toss you around the house? No, but I'm afraid she's going to make me do the dishes. I don't know what to do. Yeah, you want to scare her off just by your sheer size. I want to, no.

I want to be, yeah, I wanted to get all big and then do like, uh... You just look like a fucking pack of hemorrhoids, so you don't have to walk the dog, you lazy fuck. What, like, yeah, dude, you got to let go. you got to let go of the football career and the military. It's like you're a comedian, dude. I think it's more than the military. Military's doing the heavy lifting. Well, yeah, I'm not going to do it ever again

because now I've committed to the lifestyle of I can't do it because I get too nice. It's too nice to not work out when you're eating heavy. Like when you're eating a lot, you go like, I don't want to go to the gym and want to drink five farms. Then you just start getting fat. Jesus. A sad fucking story.

Tommy is not sad though it's pretty great it's pretty great I like I like the the the like the every two weeks like new goal setting yeah it's all it's every two weeks being like I'm gonna bulk yeah like instead of just like just accepting the fact that you're yo-yoing just being like I'm gonna bulk yeah actually I'm gonna thin out like it's all intentional it's your depression turning into the dementia where you're just like I'm going to fully lose it now because I can't... I would love that.

Yeah. Well, let me tell you something, pal. We're both on course. I got the directions. No, I wish I got fat. I wish I got fat in a way that I would be like, oh, yeah, now I'm like strong.

No. You could... You could never be fat. Like, I get fat like an accountant, dude. It's just all belly. Yeah. It's all belly. Yeah.

And it looks. heinous. I get fat like a telemarketer. It looks to my tits. It looks to my tuitous. Yeah, like an Indian. Yeah, I get fat like an Indian. You do.

Indians. Yeah, you do. Indians are beef and cheese. When they show footage of like how like American, like cornstarch is affecting like Mexicans, that's how you get fat. Yeah. Yeah. Like.

Yeah. Indians get too far away. They're, they're only eating. They're vegetarians. Oh, for the most part. So they're just eating carbs all day. long they're carb loading and they're not moving outside of fucking

their tech jobs or driving Waymo's from fucking 7,000 miles away they do. They get though there's like barrel like yeah somehow their rib cage expands like the fat is like inside of them it's crazy

you know what someone walks around like a barrel and suspenders yeah yeah it's just the swelling of their inner organs from drinking 65 five cores lights every day, staring at drops ceiling and listening to the rattle of the fucking pool table.

No. No, I was talking, I went back to whites now. Oh, white, poor white trash that's poor and drunk, you know, their innards expand and it will push your cage a bit because all your organs are begging for fucking mercy

and it just keeps swell. So you see a fat skinny dude? The whites maintain the frame. The whites maintain the frame and they add, it's like they're adding layers of clothing. It's really, like, wild. You know what I mean? It's, it's, there's, there's no one else on earth that carries fat as well as the whites.

It's, I don't know, dude. Truly remarkable. I mean, when you see, when you see a dude who's just pure, like, just mayonnaise. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. We used to be, I think we used to be at the top of the fat chain. Like, like, like the belt is still around the bones of their waist, their waist somehow.

But, like, everything is just. just yeah it drops in like the like the curvature of a waterburger sign their belt goes down from like the hip and goes down through their fucking weird little bird because he's got to leave room for the belly and stretches it all out that's yeah dude god damn how's uh tires is coming up baby tires is coming you could start talking about that we're we're we're in the we're in the muck we're 10 days out from filming 10 days out from the from the starting gun

yeah maybe 10 to 12 whatever and that's uh I think it's gonna be exciting I think it's going to be exciting to have everyone back yeah back on the ranch you know what I mean yeah it is exciting fuck the holidays

cylinders fire in all cylinders there's nothing hotter than a pod between Christmas and New Year's dude it's true it's true we're still you know I say I'm decompressing

That's the worst The worst part about Christmas and New Year's is it is the one time you should be actually taking some time to like fix everything personally

but instead you're just in front of everyone that is a good point to criticize how you're living and you're having to like keep up appearances you're trying to like have a few drinks

you know you're trying to be like pleasant for the holidays and really you should just be a deep focused mindset. You should be like in a hyperbaric chamber, not talking to anyone, not boozing,

trying to quit all of your bad habits. It's the only time of year you can do it. Yeah, peyote in the desert for Christmas next year. That's what we're going to do. We're not seeing any family. We're going to throw up in a bucket, see a fucking elephant in the sky and change our ways. I don't think there's anything

that could steer us down a darker path. The peyote in the desert. Oh, we would chew each other's necks until we both died. Yeah. just don't see our families the murder suicide I don't know who's going to be on top but the murder suicide of you and I

doing peyote in a desert just two human coyotes ripping apart each other's innards I actually think that'd be a good space for you because there's no other human beings I'd probably fuck your brains out it wouldn't come down

the death I would just stare at that tight little bond and hold your barrel chest and fuck you sober, dude. First day of 2027. How was it? Tommy raped me in the desert. And I was high when it.

I'm not even sure it really happened. That's how high I was. What happened? First of all, you get at least five minutes on stage. Getting raped by me. Yeah, that's a good five. Podcasts. That's a good five.

Five of dead silence. Five of terrifyingly deep. Yeah. The same struggle I have telling a joke about sleeping with a transactional when everyone's like, Jesus Christ, I'm like, I can't get five minutes out of sleeping with a guy. You know how hard this fucking is? Yeah.

Get a blowjob from a tranny is a little bit different than getting raped by your friend in the desert. It's not that different, but it is different. This is good. This is a good app that is guaranteed to be monetized. Gary Cue Oh God I'm actually upset about the Christmas episode I think it was a good app

I think we had fun I thought it was a great app too We're going to release it as a bonus up And people can't get upset You're a floating head The whole fucking time No they'll enjoy it As long as we can get them to dance around

The essence is there The essence is there Yeah essence is there Yeah you know It really that was the whole episode It was just me and a hat and sunglasses Yeah Tactical Jack

staring right at the camera You also like Except when I made a perfect Butthole with my mouth That's the only bit That's going to fall flat Because you can't cut away We can't

We could definitely make that happen We pay enough Can you make his mouth a butthole Can you make his mouth a butthole Please We just put a pussy vertical on his forehead is my raped friend

from the fucking peyote days how would you handle it you think if if one of us was like heavily on drugs and we got in each other's butt somehow would you for would you forget me? Yeah

there's a lot of stories out there where guys just you know they do fucking probably not neighbors and things because they say I was on mushrooms I beat the fuck ever an 86 year old naked

dude it would be it would be an all hands on deck stuff island like meeting conference yeah yeah where it's just like yeah just go to a bar you'd have to do you'd have to do some type of ceremony dude you'd have to fucking kill a goat and bury it out there or something like you'd have to yeah well as long as it's not an eye for an eye you have to like write a poem you have to like write a poem and light it on fire or something you'd have to do something And just to leave it out there. Like an old mom tale is just you burn a saint in my hands. Christopher, that would do this to you again.

I promise. Yeah. You'd have to go deep into some Native American tribal, just moment. Yeah, you can never recover from that. I mean, shit, I wouldn't be able to. That's a take, yeah. I wouldn't be able to look at a girl if she cheated on them. me you know you can never like get back in the sack you're just thinking to her

slobbing some fucking crossing guard and you're like I can't I can't relate to you anymore you fucking pig you know what I mean I mean yeah are dynamically crossing guard fucking the crossing guards a particularly deep hit to take well I was saying the crossing fuck her just she's any old Joe in the street what she got that I don't have for one a four foot stop sign that He spins around. Yeah, she's holding the stop sign. A giant forearm.

One giant forearm. From spinning stop to caution. That was a high. I thought it was Gandalf. How was your Christmas? Did you go see Marty Supreme? No. Josh did.

You want to tell a story? This is funny. My lady didn't. Wait, hold on. You had the big plans. I did it. Well, here's what, no, 100%. I did.

We set the time and we got like, I got shitty seats for Christmas day. Gifts exchange didn't go so well. Marty Supreme's off the table. No. The problem is Christmas went so well. We thought to ourselves, why are we going to ruin this? Because last year, for Thanksgiving, I cooked for like 10 or 12 people. This year, we didn't do it.

anything for Thanksgiving. We cooked for ourselves. And then for Christmas, we went to an Asian, we did the Jew Christmas. We went to an Asian restaurant. Turns out it's pretty good. Got fucking, yeah, got Chinese. We got duck.

They're on to something? Pork belly. Of course they're on to something. It was fucking unbelievable. Without all the bullshit, like you were just saying. Like, I was centered for a moment. We just got like a, we got a half a duck that smoked with crispy skin. And then we had pork belly.

crispy skin we got a half of each put it in a bag place was loaded to the gills so we couldn't sit down and eat went back home had some champagne ate with the sun still up and then we're like look our fucking the the movie was like 10 p.m. 10 30 you know she's like would you be a Jesus would you Walt eight you get a man nay it's Christmas day I know no they were all sold out for this fucking movie she wanted to go see I don't care I'll watch anything I'll go to fucking see Star Wars again. I just wanted to get in a theater, you know? Get cheese pretzels. Slowly

beat off in the dark. I wanted to like do what I used to do for the holidays. But then it got too late and I was like, I just want to chill. And she was like, do you mind if we cancel? It's going to come right back to the card. I was like, thank God you said it. I thought that was going to be a fight. But any time they

make a decision were obviously the best people in the world. Yeah, you're off the hook. Yeah. Fine. Of course. Whatever you want, babe. Yeah. God forbid, if I say that. Jesus Christ. Yeah, yeah. There's fucking lasagna on the ceiling. Dumblings are everywhere. Dumplings everywhere. You're going to find

one in three weeks. Like fucking, my parents used to hide eggs. No, that's the beauty of the dog. The dog. Oh, yeah, the dog. The dog will find it. A hundred percent. Yeah. We used to do a, you know, the Easter egg hunt around the house with the three kids. And my dad would, we would die actual eggs.

It was back then, you know, you put them in the, some die form with a little holder. And we put one under the, my dad put one on like under the radiator. So like six months went by and we got this fucking quail egg. It was like a three-year-old quail out of the fucking. It's the kind of its own family, dude. Feeding six other chickens, dude. It was nuts. Difficult following the logic of that.

No, you were saying it's like you're around family, you're around. I think that's where the Jews and the Chinese meet up. Yeah. Christmas Day. And they hatch their plans. Yeah. True. Well, the rest of us are laughing and scratching, goofing off, fighting with each other.

This is a true world domination fucking theory. They're making moves. They're making moves. Oh, my God. And who would think? They're actually making moves on Christmas when we're fucking. Yeah. Yeah.

When we're laughing. Scratch at hand. Yes, as you say. They're chopping peaking dung. As you say. Sorry, I'm getting into the fucking, getting into my Wap mode for the dice. Yeah, how was yours?

You were your parents, Connecticut? Yeah, yeah, went up, saw the folks, saw the, saw my dad's family. It was nice. Yeah, we had a nice little, it was easy, peasy. No one did anything. Just relaxed.

chilled. Yeah, your family's not a party. You're not a party family, right? Every time I go up there and I drink most of their beer from six years ago, I can imagine what happens like after dinner? You guys sit down, you watch football, are you drinking? Yeah, we laugh at scratch. My mom keeps a lid on the partying activities.

Of course she does. My mom is like, is becoming like a Jedi master at like wet blanketing a point. Yeah, dude, 100%. Jedi master. Like, she's so good, you wouldn't even notice she's doing it. Yeah. People don't understand how powerful a woman going. Another one?

You're going to have another one? Just not even that. No, that's statement alone. That's amateur hour. That's amateur hour. That's amateur hour. Does she lock you down before you get one? What you do is you hold on to wine for shit wine for 70 years.

So you just serve a long game. It's a long game. And then you put that out for people to drink. Yeah. At the party. Yeah. And you have nothing but any beers in the worst wine that you've ever tasted your entire life. Genius.

People are going home early. Yeah. This will keep you sober. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck. Good luck getting that moscato down. Good luck.

Good luck getting a buzz on with that moscato. We broke that box of Francia seven years ago. There's still four glasses in there if you want, Diane. Yeah, yeah. And that way, you don't have to go. Another one, you go, want some more? Yeah. No, thanks.

Nah, I'm good. You could be pushing. You could be pushing the pace. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I'd show up with fucking prison wine. my own bag of fermented oranges and my own piss. I'm just trying to get tanked off.

Afraid to open conversations. So what do you do if you're not pickled and giggling and stuff? What are you talking about? Well, my dad and my brother went in on a golf simulator. So me and my cousins were just swinging the club in the garage. There it is. That fucking rules. Yeah, yeah, it was fun.

Is it the same one you have? uh yeah that's fucking great did they get the drop down screen that projects it or just you looking off the computer system no no no they just got the net they're they're they're easing their way and they got they got to get some stuff they didn't even have a mat dude i i almost killed my dad by the way what yeah my dad is this golf related or did he talk bad to you golf golf related my literally my dad's my i have that little that little monitor you've seen it and my dad's like do you ever hit it like do you ever shank a ball into it. And I was like, I've never once shanked a ball into it. And I've shanked them every which way. I promise you, I've never even come close. Yeah, the next shot. So then, dude, he's standing. The net that he set up is huge. There's no way you could miss it. And you're two feet for the net. Is it bigger than one that you got that I gave you? Is it bigger than the net that I gave you? Yeah. Yeah. It was, it was not. Not as good, but big.

Yeah. And my dad's like, he's, he, he, he was just ahead of the, like, simulator machine, like, the little tower. He's standing by the fridge. And I shank when, I swear to God, it went, like, right by his head and hit the, he didn't ever, it was like, it was like when they shot the fucking, the t-shirt at you. we shot the t-shirt at you and you did it a second later oh yeah of course he yeah it was a hundred miles an hour did you piss your pants you must he would have lost all his teeth or an eyeball or so like it was insane in front of all my cousins we all just

dude just thinking your dad wearing glasses like gerving with the duct tape on one side for like a week Dude, it would have It would have ruined Christmas He made it better My dad's been planning this party To have his family over for like a year It was the No one had arrived yet

It was just me and Sean Oh, it's so funny And his daughter And we're like Oh Sean came out Almost took his Yeah yeah Nice

Almost took his head off It's so funny dude And then my dad's got these new clubs Because you got a couple You got like a new seven iron to practice on the simulator with and right after I almost kill him I take another swing and my dad just had this

he didn't get like a full mat he just got like a patch Oh it's crazy like a heart So is he standing below the patch No it's like It's so flat Yeah like it's just like a piece of plastic With a carpet over it

Yeah And do the next swing I put this seven iron right onto the concrete of the, of the fucking garage floor. Scratch it was. Pretty good thing. Two, two of the worst swings of my entire life. You're on that five farms.

You were probably pickled in the car. Were you drinking in the car? Dude, one of my cousins, one of my cousins had a heroin problem. And my brother, when he lived in Delaware, or no, he lived in, close to Delaware but still in PA I believe

and my brother disappeared for like a week they went on this fucking drug binge my parents were fucking nice looking for my brother my oldest brother and uh and this kid was such a fucking maniac this is a crazy story

but it's not I'm not going to go all the way into it they found him or whatever and then he went sober and he had a sober wedding that we were all pissed about you know my whole family was like yeah what do we go we got to this this little church in the middle of fucking nowhere to go to a sober yeah they should do it like the orthodox jews do it like you know how they separate the the women and the men they have like a screen yeah you should just have a wedding that has a screen between it yeah i love everyone's shit faced on this side

everyone's sober on that side yeah look at each other yeah it was the one thing my one my one aunt Aunt Lori did, that I really respect that she, every like 20 minutes, she'd round the troops up and we go in the parking lot, pop the trunk, and smoke some cores lights. So we're just drinking in the back, the back parking lot, just to get some, you know, relief. Are you drinking, like, I still can't fathom the fact that you're at a Christmas party and you're not sauced up? No, we were sucking down We were drinking the shitty wine

Oh, you, okay, all right, all right And I did get a bottle of five farms Just to keep, there it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got a bottle of five farms Just to keep I had to bring up my drug addicted cousin And my fucking aunt For you to tell the truth

You were fucked up with Christmas, I knew it, I knew it Did mom know it? No, I didn't get too banged up I kept it pretty light Yeah, it had to I went out, we went out Christmas Eve or the, whatever the eve of the party was. Yeah.

26th or something like that. We went out and got banged up there. Went out to the bar. I got some, I had some family, uh, I had some family depression this, because I didn't go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. Yeah. I started thinking back how,

how great it was growing up. And it's just not the same. Wasn't worth the travels. I go next week to see you guys, but it's not, it's, it's all over. you know it's like watching all your first round draft picks getting their 35 36 their knees are going

it's like that but they're 70 my dad can't get down the steps of play pool and do coke with me it's like what are we even doing here you want to say happy holidays yeah yeah well you got it you got to like you got to raise the level like you what's nice is that we had a massive snowstorm and everyone came in the night before so we got to kind of go out

and get after it the night before a little bit. So it was, we got to, we got to have moms, you know, Christmas party. Yeah. But we, you know, we got it in after hours the night before. But, like, you, I think to have a real party with your family, you need to, like, rent a space. You need to, like, rent a bar. I don't know, man. You need to have the aunts, the moms and aunts can't be in control.

You need to, you need to take the reins. And the only way to do that is to have it catered and be at, you know, at, like, a venue. Well, that's a problem. This is the nostalgia I'm thinking back on it. The moms and ants were in control, and they had the same mentality as the fucking, the dads and uncles.

I know, I know. And we just fucked off and did whatever we want it. Yeah. And now it's like... But then once things actually start going wrong, the aunts, the moms and aunts have to get... Of course. Yeah.

Serious. Yeah. Yeah. It's a nice bass. They're just going, what was I doing? Yeah, yeah. We put my top back on. Yeah.

Yeah. My fat nipples are boiling in this hot tub right now. I should go check on my four kids. Yeah, dude. Once the adult kids start fucking up, like the hammer comes down on the mom's and ants. And they're the ones that got to tighten it up. They got to answer to management. Yeah, the dad gets it the next day.

What were you thinking, Steve, letting him drink? Yeah. He's 15. As long as we're there, we can, you know. I didn't know. No, he was doing it. You were pouring it down his throat. I'd rather him do it here than, anyway.

He was sleeping. Keep an eye on him. Yeah. I took his keys away. He can't drive. His keys. He still can't drive. He doesn't even have a license.

You're fucking idiot. What do you do for New Zealand? The dad's got to walk down, hungover. No more Nintendo for a month. Yeah. Give me my keys back. What are you doing for New Year's Eve? I got no plans.

Yeah, absolutely no plans. What are you doing? There we go. Let's show with the Mothership. Oh, that would be sick. Yeah. Are they going to have a little New Year's Eve party? Are they better?

Do we ever talk about the Christmas party? I didn't realize it was going to be that awesome. Which one? The Mothership Christmas party. Oh, yeah. fucking ruled it was incredible I thought it was just

going to be people hanging out Mitzies I didn't realize they shut down the whole place and like it was an extravaganza wait did you go

last year no oh last year was even better I thought last year had more more of our boys and the core group

this year was mostly which is still great but it felt mostly like employees and stuff so we're like we're invited

as regulars to go to the Christmas party that's usually for just just the crew and the staff and stuff. So, yeah, we're honored to be invited. Last year was crazy. They had a whole room that was just poker.

Whereas this year we had some fucking, tell that story, Josh, they had that magician or whatever the fuck, that weirdo. Yeah, and then there was a, a com. I'm not going to say. There was a good dude that was doing, like, tricks in a comic. I'm not going to say his name, but he, one of the tricks that the guy was, He was like a sword swallower. He was like a magician sword swallower.

And he did a thing where he had swallowed a balloon. And then inside the balloon, he had like ate like, I don't remember. It was like some type of food. What was it? Yeah, like hot dogs or something. And he ate like a bunch of. I thought it was going to be something interesting. It's just food.

No, no. It's worse. Inside the balloon, he had a sandwich. And so then he threw a drink. A wallet. And so I guess the. Dude, the guy throws up the hot dogs into a cup and then, um, it was like, and then as a bit, a comedian that we know went up and ate the hot dog and it was chunky

and had like his bile on it. He drank the fucking glass. And then like, it was like a whole hot dog throw up. And it was supposed to make a bit, but everybody was like, yo, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. Everybody was like, yeah, why would you do that? Yeah, outside of that party was great. I didn't see any of that.

I was, I'd rather get raped in the desert by time. that's facts dude if i'm taking one i'm getting i'm getting i'm getting in the can from chris in a fucking desert then eating the magician's hot dog bile yeah i thought you were there last year no i didn't see it that i guess i would have been uh stop talking about that you were still finishing tires last year because we finished right before Christmas

I guess so it must have been like the last week then yeah because I guess it is kind of like it's like early mid-December yeah yeah last year we got done right before Christmas and you just stayed home good gravy good gravy's right dude but I'm excited who was it who was it tell me off air but who was it guys

Keep that Keep that for sure Oh my God I won't eat a banana in public You're going to eat some magician's fucking hot dog Pugue It'll swallow an already Digested hot dog

That's insane Oh man So that magician's trick Was you just ate something And threw it up What was impressive about it? No, I think he was doing a bunch of stuff Just like he was sword swallowing

And doing like a bunch of tricks Yeah, I think you just had a A reaction from constantly putting Fucking black dick in his throat Like he didn't mean to throw it up No, he did It was part of the trick Yeah, it was a part of the trick

Well, say the fucking joke That's what Say the bit Tell us what the is Well, no, he was just doing a whole thing Where he swallowed a balloon And then swallowed a bunch of stuff And then it went into the balloon

Like the stuff he was swallowed And came out of the balloon Then he popped the balloon Oh wait Wait wait wait Wait wait He swallowed a balloon Untied

Yeah Swallowed a bunch of hot dog mess Yeah Then threw up Into a cup And the spit it He like pulled the balloon out But it was covered and throat

Like bile and stuff Was the hot dog stuff in the balloon Yeah but it got He popped it while went into the So he swallowed a balloon Kept it open Digested a bunch of chewed up hot dog

the hot dog fell into the balloon he then throws up the balloon filled with hot dog and shit everywhere into a fucking plastic cup a solo cup and then that gets like drank or ate holy Christmas that's insane well how do you keep the top of the balloon

for the hot dog that's the that's the magician never tells true what a fucking talent if I saw that I'd be like That's unbelievable. You probably looted from my ex-wife. I don't know.

It's just like a dog-shitting part of your shoe. You're like, oh, great. Ever drank that? Yeah. You guys are going to finish that? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. What an error.

Yeah. What a massive error. Fuck. I hugged. him last night. I forgot to bring it up. I got to start calling him Oscar. But so someone had to eat it? Was it part of the trick? No, no, no, no, no. It was a volunteer.

Yeah, it was just a volunteer. I was trying to get the party lit, dude. It's a holiday. You'll do anything it takes and get the fucking party lit. Yeah. The wine was shit. They were all drinking N.A. beers. They're like, I'll drink your puke. This party's soft. You can finish that? You can finish that? Anyway, I was thinking about you going back out to the trunk

Like my aunt Lori and fucking drinking Five Farms I feel like you keep leaving something in there No, no, I did classic put it in the coffee mug Yeah, nice Yeah, Mom doesn't know that Put it in the coffee mug I was telling Josh I told I said it I think on the on look at this

Nobody knows what's in Five Farms You can sneak it past anyone You got to stay one step ahead of the moms and ants. Yeah. Well, you did a disservice, an injustice to our friend here. The kids, he's growing an inch in his face every time I see him. You got hooked on this fucking egg dog. And I bet I'll tell you what, if they don't, if they don't, if they don't stop selling this after the holiday, I'm going to have to fucking, I'm going to have to write a nasty email of Five Farms.com.

It's a year round. It's a year round phenomenon. It's really. This is not good for you or your wife, dude. This is a problem. How much five farms have you consumed since? Look at this. I think probably four or five.

Oh my God, dude. Dude, hold on a second. Let me ask you this, Chris. And you know this answer. Typically, if Josh and I were driving to your house to do a podcast, who's going to go, we got to stop at the liquor store of the two of us. Who do you think so? 100%

you 100% me he said it for the first time and I almost my shoes flew off dude like I like I had a fart for six weeks and my laces were tied tight my shoes fell off

I went you want to go to a liquor store he comes out with a five farms bottle he goes I need one more for her home I go dude you're still you're still taking the five farms he goes I love it dude the joy in his eyes was like a fat kid having funnel cake for the first time

it was powdered sugar in a bottle he was floored dude he couldn't believe you could walk out with the bottle going are you sure I could pay for this gold dude kids hooked man we went to get him the AA there's gonna be like an old school milkman dropping six packs of five farms off of your house

All umbrellas. Every week. Just floating in the neighbor's yard. He's fighting somebody. That's my package. That's my package. Five Farms. What's it say?

It has two milk and cheese. That's fucking me of milk and cheese chit. And that's my, that's my boozy milk. Dude. What's the lady saying about the five farms intake? Or does she hook? She don't know.

He hides in the basement like our dads. She thinks I'm drinking chaco milk. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. No, she's getting, she doesn't like my lifestyle. He probably puts it in empty fuel containers. Yeah, yeah. She's not a big fan of my lifestyle, really.

Yeah, same. Because I've been, I've been consuming. Just tell her it's an advanced protein shake. Yeah. Yeah, I've been consuming a lot of five farms, and then I think I'm addicted to pre-workout. That's just nuts. That's so nuts. Yeah, so my-jerk.

You took that pre-workout. So you, you chug a little bit of five-farmes. throw some pre-workout back and you're just bouncing off the walls. Oh my God. RIP butt hole. You flip it. You flip the chips in it. What I do is I like to get a little tooth ski. I like to get a little a little bit of the bumped up in my system.

Then go to the Five Farms. That's the natural progression of... Yeah. Yeah, it's Coke and bourbon. Yeah. I get it. Shit's just sloshing around. They're probably making butter in your stomach. Just releasing a thick yellow stream of butter and you're fucking

your porcelain god dude yeah it's not good and then she gets mad at me she goes you can't keep drinking this you can't keep doing this and I'm like yeah I'll fucking do what I want well your dog sleeps in the bed so you can

you can release those fucking those low tied farts yeah I'm having milk you know I'm having milk farts with milky pre-workout parts oh my god take off an eyebrow it's also so funny to have

your lady mad at you for drinking the jolliest drink that you could possibly drink. That's how she doesn't want you to drink anything it's a holiday. It's a jolly drink. It comes in such a cute bottle just snapping it shut

again and her going like, God damn it. Yeah, well that's the thing dude, it gets me in trouble. Dude, how sneakily do you open the latch? It's a champagne bottle every time you open it he's got a towel

over it in the furthest room he goes outside like you know what is that nothing Jesus Christ can't fucking

a fat-tinnic guy get some boozy milk what's crawling up your ass it's a holiday it's my jolly boozy milk before bed go to bed bitch

How many times? Hold on. How many times? How many times I've messed opening a fucking cider? Oh my god. Yeah. And then you just wait. Yeah, I did it. Slowly start. You start putting up that soundproof foam in the kitchen. It's where I do my voiceover, babe. It's just all for opening booze. I work for Fox, huh? I'm on a cartoon of Fox.

That's why I do my record. I've never seen you do that. Yeah, shut up. Shut up. I practice in here. I got to know how it sounds. It's got to be exactly like the booth. Dude, when you don't get that the top fully done

because you're afraid she's going to hear it and you have to pinch it with your thumb, like, like, yeah, you ever get cut? Trying to quietly open a can?

Well, then you don't have a problem. I've done a fake sneeze a couple of times. That's wild. Totally miss it. It's like you're allergic to opening cans.

All right, Chris, let's go to the Patreon Walking to the kitchen for a sneeze That's cool, Patreon time I gotta get to the mothership Go to stuff island.com slash Patreon and see the next hour Patreon.com slash Stuff Island. Cool. Patreon.com slash Stuff Island. What'd I say?

Backwards. Oh, shut up.