Stuff Island - Friends, Trains & Buses - Stuff Island #128 Live in Houston w/ Tom Thakkar

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

Friends, Trains & Buses - Stuff Island #128 Live in Houston w/ Tom Thakkar Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en - Follow Tom on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tomthakkar/ Get an extra 15% off your entire order when you use code “stuffisland” at checkout when you buy 4 or more products @ Thesmokybox.com Download the prizepicks app today and use code stuffisland for a first deposit match up to $100! Visit BetterHelp dot com slash STUFFISLAND today to get 10% off your first month Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's bugging you, Tom? What's bugging you that you're throwing this at me? Nothing. I had a great fucking day. I want my best friend to celebrate it with me. I got my permit. He did get his driver's permit today. Tell me, yeah. Do you know how hard it is to get a fucking permit in Texas?

Tommy got his fucking learner's permit. Dude, I did. I had to take a fucking online course. Is it hard? Oh, online? Yeah. Is it hard? Six hours?

Yeah. At a brewery? Yeah, it's fucking hard. Should have took me 45 minutes. They start you at a DUI class. It's a breathalyzer. No, I took a written class. I got my appointment.

Austin, it's flooded with foreigners. Like us. I mean, like, really. Like foreign from other states. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. If we're going to be this uptight, let's everybody leave.

Well, also, that's obviously bullshit. They just have bad DMVs. They're lazy. Yeah. You guys are bad at paperwork. Are you guys from Texas? Yeah. You guys just have no...

You don't know how to do this bureaucratic shit, right? We're so good at it. We're nice at it, dude. Look how long it took us to set up this audio equipment. We're so good at DMV shit. I know, I know. I'm looking at these pens like, who the fuck's using pens? That's so many pens.

Also, like every other DMV in the country is killing it. It's like the number one thing people bitch about everywhere. No, let me tell you something. Connecticut DMV is a dream. Yeah, no shit. It's all rich number one thing people bitch about everywhere. No, let me tell you something. Connecticut DMV is a dream. Yeah, no shit. It's all rich fucking assholes. And there's like six of you. No, it's not.

It's in like Bridgeport. You have like a private driver to get to your appointment. I know. That's a good DMV. Connecticut can suck like that. You had a private driver to get to your appointment. You fuck. That was you.

I know. I fucking drove your ass. You drove us in a rush hour traffic. I got to hike was you. I know. I fucking drove your ass. Middle of rush hour traffic. I gotta hike out to God knows where. A rented fucking charger. Yeah. He got a ticket yesterday. Driving here. We drove here for this festival. He gets pulled over.

I haven't been pulled over in 25 years. No drive, right? I haven't had a license in 25 years. I'm so excited to get pulled over. I'm so excited to get pulled over, dude. I'm so excited to get pulled over. Dude, getting pulled over sucks. Dude, I'm black in Texas.

Yeah, well, dude, that's the worst part. There are no Italians in Texas. I'll get pulled over trying to get a Slim Jim, dude. Dude, I haven't seen a black person at this festival yet. No, that is the worst part. In the northeast, every cop is Irish or Italian. You're basically getting pulled over by family.

You know what I mean? Now down here. Oh, city slicker fucker. You just pull a Christmas cookie out of your top pocket like, is this good? Is that okay with you? Are we going to be fine now? Turn the body cam off.

That gave me an upset. Dude, we were fucking laughing at Scratch. We were having like a gay old time with the guy. I thought we were getting out of the ticket. Then he walks back to the car, and I just see him on the hood. He was sitting on the hood of his car. Yeah. This dude was doing paperwork for 20 minutes.

For like a fucking murder scene. He was sitting on the hood of his car. Yeah. This dude was doing paperwork for 20 minutes. Filling out paperwork for like a fucking murder scene. Yeah, but I was flipping pages. I told him, like, yeah, you boys, you got to slow down. I'm going to write you up for a broken taillight. Don't worry about nothing. He's like, you got $350 fucking dollars getting driven down your throat. Dude, and I was fucking Norman retard. I was going, you ain't got a shot in this town.

I was going 85 in a 75. 87 in a 75. Hey, whatever. Oh, buddy, you fucked it. You got to go nine over. If you go nine, you're good. That's everyone I tell about this. I go six over now.

The older I get, I'm cutting it back. First of all, don't listen to him. I just passed my permit test. That's all fucking locks. What is it then? You stay three seconds behind someone. Yeah. In traffic, in case you have to slam on the brakes.

Yeah. In snowy and rainy weather. True. Five. What the fuck is five seconds behind somebody? Yeah. I do. Who's doing that?

I do. I do sometimes because I remember that. No. You remember that? Yeah. I see the car in front of me go past like a mile marker and I go, one. Of course. Oh my God.

What a surprise. Yeah. You guys have lived in New York for too long already. That's crazy. Well, that is, you also start to realize down here that there's like not enough people to do whatever you want. You know what I mean? They notice you now.

Yeah. Yeah. In New York, you could commit crimes all over the place. There's too much other stuff going on to get in trouble. I know. It's not quite like this in Austin. Now here, everyone's looking at you. Well, it's also different here. Like in New York, if somebody like...

Dude, he's committing... He's admitting to serial killings. Tommy's been off the grid and a fully functioning New Yorker for fucking... 12 years. 12 years. Yeah, off the grid. Here, you can't do anything without a license. That's why I'm taking a written test with fucking 115-year-old Mexican girls.

Have you been in a town where somebody comes up to you and they're like, hey, I need help, and you're so used to New York or Philly where you're like, get the fuck away from my face. And then there you're like, oh, no, I have to help this guy. I can see piles of blood streaming down their face. I'm like, creep. Fucking weirdo. Get away from us. No lady with a broken leg crossing the street. We're trying to get ice cream. Yeah, I don't know. Get away from us.

We're trying to get ice cream. She just wants a dollar. It's a woman dying. It's a nice mother dying. No, I want to compliment Austin. Is anyone

actually from Austin, though? This is Houston, buddy. Sorry. What the fuck, dude? This is what he does the whole day. He's like, you're in a fucking fog. You guys like it here in Austin? You guys kept talking about this like it was Austin.

San Francisco, thanks so much for coming out. Look, it's been a fucking whirlwind. And I'm very excited. I got my permit. I got a driver's test next Friday. You should have seen this fucking guy. You imagine taking a fucking permit test and a driver's

test when I should have children that should be doing the same fucking thing? Dude, it was no joke. I should be taking my daughter to the driver's test saying you don't have to smile, but you can, baby. If you want to smile, smile. No, they don't let him in the pictures.

I'm screaming through plexiglass at this angry black woman, and I'm like, do I smile? She's like, you can if you want. Oh, you can smile in Texas? You can smile. Tommy swindled his way into letting her smile. Please let me smile.

Let me tell you something. I put the fucking charm on, baby. I was going 87 to 75. That's fine. He was. He brought cookies. I did. It was crazy.

Yeah. No, I was the parent. Everyone else in there was a dad with their son getting a driver's license. Yeah. And then me. Yeah. And you throwing papers all over the place. You kept reshuffling the papers

and like losing, like dropping stuff on the floor. Well, can I explain this? There's no, I mean, what? There is an explanation. Okay. Austin is so overcrowded that it takes three months

to get a permit test. All right? You guys know you live there. You have to take an online certification course for six hours. You get the certification. You sign up online and get a test. I've been driving a Lyft since I moved here from New York City for 30 straight days.

It's like $17,000. Wait, what? Shut up. It's a lot of fucking money. Feels like $17,000. Are you driving a Lyft? That's what I thought you said. I call ABC Driving School to set up this lady.

I was like, I want a driving test. She's like, well, I know a supervisor down there at the Austin South DBS. I'll get you in. She gets me an appointment. I show up. I got all my documentation. The one thing I'm missing is my W-2 because I don't have a Social Security card. Who the fuck does?

I don't have a birth certificate. Who the fuck does? At my age, get the fuck out of here. Do you guys have that stuff? That's not real. Does every single person have all of those documents? Yeah, yeah. He has every document.

Of course, my fucking desk house is holding all of their birth certificates. We don't have space for that. It's in the drawer. You know where the birth certificate drawer is, for that. It's in the drawer. You know where the birth certificate drawer is, Charlie. It's all in the drawer. Go all the way down low. Get on your knees, you lazy fuck.

That is how I've lived my life. I shove every important document into one backpack. This is where I find myself getting mad at my wife, man. The moment something comes up, I'm like, open the backpack. It's got to be in there. My wife has no idea. Everything's in there. My wife has no Ikea. Everything's in there. It's old Ikea screws. It's like a hardware drawer.

It is. It's got all these fucking pens. Dude, that's New York shit. It's this many of the same Allen wrenches from putting together fucking cabinets. That's so true. You just get a damn little kit for $6. The same screwdriver. It's all the same shit, and you have have five of them and they're in the drawer.

So anyway, I'm very excited. I get to this fucking DBS appointment. What the fuck does DBS stand for, by the way? Dumb bitch.

DPS? Fuck. Oh, it's DBS. Do you work for them? Oh, it's DPS. Oh, sorry. What else do they handle? The safety of the public, dude.

Generally. General safety. At first you said it so somberly, I thought it was your job. Safety of the public, man. Generally. This dude is so chill. He's very chill. I wish I had that energy so much, dude.

I would kill for that energy, dude. I want to finish my fucking story. Yeah, tell your story, dude. So is everything at just one department? Like, you don't have a separate, like, water department or anything like that? It's just public safety? You're so autistic. I just moved here. I want to know what the fuck is going on.

You don't live here. You live in Austin. Where are you about me? I just moved to the state. Oh, Texas, correct. I don't know. I'm used to being in a small state. I'm used to it all being mine. You want to know the function of the departments of state? Safety. Department of Public Safety.

Well, it seems like that's all they have. DMV. You don't have a Department of Motor Vehicles? No, it's the DTS, and then I guess they have the DMV. I think something else. Somebody Google. Jamie? All right.

All right, All right. They can't hear. Tommy, tell your story. This is what he does. He literally forgets we're doing this live. No, I'm listening. I'm listening to the story. He's acting like he's at a bus stop, and he wants a little bit of information.

You were talking to these people for fucking 20 minutes before I got up here. No one cares about the DPS. But they do care about my story one cares about the DPS. But they do care about my story about going to the DPS. So I didn't have a W-2. I don't know if you're familiar with W-2s these days, but they block out some of your social security numbers. So you can imagine

the world of pain I was in. I gotta get them to print the thing. Luckily they printed it for me and I got it. There you go. Yeah. That's interesting. Look at the reaction. They're going nuts. They're smattering applause.

Do it again. If you listen to the podcast, the arena of people just went nuts. I want to tell you about my PTSD. So I get to this. I finally get this fucking old sweet woman, Lana, who I'm going to bake a cake for, to get me an appointment in Austin. What kind of cake are you going to bake? I'm going to ask old sweet woman Lana, who I'm going to bake a cake for, to get me an appointment in Austin. What kind of cake are you going to bake? I'm going to make her a cheesecake. My special.

No one makes cheesecake like me. New York style. I feel like the cheesecake's not a thank you cake. Yeah. But it's nice. Not when you look like anybody. What is it? A cheesecake?

I would accept a cheesecake. I'm not trying to pick sides here. No one's going to turn down a cheesecake. I'm just saying it's not really a thank you cake. What is it? A carrot cake? would accept a cheesecake. I'm not trying to pick sides here. No one's going to turn down a cheesecake. I'm just saying it's not really a thank you cake. What is it? A carrot cake? Yeah, what is a thank you cake? It's got to have ice cream inside of it or something.

That's a fuck you cake. No, it's celebratory. You're going to bring a whale, a corbel whale to a woman that's going to get a license for the first time in 15 years? Yes. You've got to put some care and effort into the fucking cake. I'm running out of breath. So I get this fucking appointment in Austin. I get to the counter.

I give her all my documentation. I have this other woman print out a form because apparently your W-9s, W-2s, every other year, they put your full social security number, and sometimes they just do the Xs until the last four numbers. How was the Stuff Island podcast? I learned a lot about forms. You ever been to the DMV? It was a lot like being at the DMV. So, yeah, I was fucking nervous today

because I'm tired of Ubering. I'm 20 minutes outside of Austin. Dude, I'm from the city. Like, I got routes of transportation, forms of transportation. Friends, trains, buses. Out there. Baby, I'm landlocked.

I'm fucked. Friends, trains, buses. See, you could have just let him do this. Point is, I got the fucking permit. Let's go. Hey. I wasn't happy about the picture. I should have smiled.

See, that's what you were actually nervous about. You weren't nervous about the documents. You were worried about. See, that's what you were actually nervous about. You weren't nervous about the documents. You were worried about the photo and whether it was going to come out good. Because, like, 60 beers the night before. Yeah. My face was three times as hot. Do you have it on hand? If a cop pulled me over, they'd be like, this isn't you, dude.

I'm like, well, I was at a festival in Houston, dude. I'm a comic. I'm not a drunk. You still shouldn't be driving. I have a picture of my... Actually, I do. Let's see it. Let's see it drunk. You still shouldn't be driving. No, I don't have a picture of my... Actually, I do. Let's see it. Let's see it.

It's fine. It's fine. It just looks like a... But you didn't get to smile. In Indiana, you're not allowed to smile. Yeah, you're not supposed to smile. Nobody smiles in Indiana. Okay.

Who goes to Indiana? That's my home. Oh, you look great. And you did smile. You cheated. Dude, your head looks gigantic. He's going like this. He looks like a fucking watermelon. You cheated. Your head looks gigantic. He's going like this. He looks like a fucking watermelon.

I'm swollen as hell, dude. Swollen as hell. You look somewhat mentally handicapped, but that's not. That'll help. That'll help. That'll help. It's a nice look. That's a nice picture.

Anyway, we've had a nice time while we've been here. We've had a very nice time. Are you guys enjoying the festival? What's been the highlight so far? Two people enjoying the festival? It's also very strange to watch just three people talk. Right? It's fucking weird.

Yeah, let's do our jokes. Yeah, yeah, let's just do a stand-up. Everybody just take a set. You know what bothers me about Puerto Ricans and a DMBS? DPS. DPS. That's where we went. We pulled into the Department of Public Safety and I went, that's not right.

That can't be it. Yeah. And it was. And it fucking was. That's crazy. You know what the cutest thing you did today was? What? After getting checked in, you and Ian sat by me.

Yeah. Because I was fumbling and fucking up my paperwork. Yeah. I disappear through this tunnel when my number came up. And I'm in this little checkout area. And I just hear, Tom, Tom. And it's Chris on the other side of the building. And I was like...

Oh, that's cute. But he doesn't realize I ducked behind that wall, and I was like, fuck. I wanted you to get rejected so badly. It would be great for the pod. So badly, I wanted you to get rejected. Just never drive. I'm just driving a lawnmower to the city.

Takes me four days to get there. Is that drive. I'm just driving a lawnmower to the city. Makes me squirt it. Is that street legal? To get to the mothership? In Austin, it's street legal. Yeah, dude. That would be sick. Riding a go-kart. Doesn't driving suck shit out there, though?

In where you live, probably, right? In the city? Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's not too bad. It's not built for this many people. No, but it's also like, it's nothing compared to New York. Yeah, that's fair. The traffic there's not too bad. It's not built for this many people. No, but it's also like it's nothing compared to New York. Yeah, that's fair. The traffic there is not that bad.

But they don't have a train that goes everywhere in Austin, do they? No, but you can walk everywhere. It's a tiny little place. It's a dirt patch. You know what I mean? Sure. I was just saying how great it is. It is great.

You got to get out of the dirt patch. Go to the country, baby. No, I've been to the country. I've been to the country. It's dirtier out there. Pal, roll a fucking trash can up your driveway. I like Austin because I can walk everywhere is what I'm saying. You're stepping over homeless.

You guys want a pen? I don't know which side of this issue you're on. I got 7,000 fucking pens. That'd be a good shirt for you to sell as you stepping over homeless like Allen Iverson. Stepping over Tyronn Lue. Clap of hands. Clap of hands.

I haven't been drinking all day. Clap of hands. How many people know what Stuff Island is? Hey. You got two thirds of the crowd. That's great. So just all the women. How many people know what Stuff Island is? Hey. All right, sit. You got two-thirds of the crowd. That's great, man.

So just all the women. Yeah, yeah. Every woman was like. What were you guys talking about before with the body thing? I was just, dude. Look at this guy. He's a hoss. That dude, he was made in a lab.

Stand the fuck up. Yeah, stand up. Where do you see this fucking ass? He's got four legs. He's got two legs behind him. He's a centaur. That's three of your ass. That's a huge dump. Chris has a horse ass. That is got four legs. He's got two legs behind him. He's a centaur. That's three of your ass. That's a huge dump. Chris has a horse ass.

That is a fucking donkey. I know. That's a donkey that had a little wonky eye, man. Stayed in the oven a little too long. It's a retarded donkey. Dude, that's a... It's a wonky. The first sign of aging that I'm noticing is I'm losing my butt. Is that right? That's a shame. I was worried about that

for you. That's all he had. Dude, I'm starting my butt. Is that right? That's a shame. I was worried about that for you. That's all he had. Dude, I'm starting to flatten out. I'm getting old man ass. His ass is losing meat. His ass is starting to look like the earth. No, my ass is like my tits. You know what I mean?

It's like once they start to sag as a woman, you got to go, oh, shit. You're going to get blackballed from this industry pretty soon. You're going to lose this podcast. I'm not liking his profile so much anymore. An aunt or uncle or a loved one loses their spouse. You're like, just check in on them. I just look at Chris's ass.

I'm like, can you do me a favor? I get texts from my mom like, call Aunt Mimi. She's alone. I'm going to look at Chris's ass. I'm like, can you do me a favor? I get texts from my mom. Call Aunt Mimi. She's alone. I'm going to look at Chris's ass. I understand. Text Chris. See how he is. He's not doing good.

He's losing all that thick meat. That bull. That thick fucking bull meat. That bull. Yeah. How'd you get so thick? You working out? Did you play football?

Yeah, you did. He's wearing a football fucking t-shirt. Yeah, that's true. Wait, Nostradamus, dude? He could be a fan. It literally says Austin College football. I wear football shirts all the time. I never fucking play.

Wait, no one's asking you that question. No, exactly. Is Austin College the Kangaroos? They are, yeah. What the fuck is that about? It's cool, man. I think it's fucking cool. They paid for school.

Dude, don't piss me off. The kangaroos paid for school? The Aussies? No, I'm not pissing them off. You live in Austin. Yeah, yeah. Did you catch that? I'm confusing everything. No, Sacramento.

So Austin College, they paid for your college? Is that what you're saying? Oh, I got you. Oh, hell yeah. I've heard of a scholarship, sir. I will not be intimidated by this crowd. But we earned it through the books. How did they become the Kangaroos?

That's what I was asking. I'm not a fucking dumbass. What? I don't know. How did the Philadelphia become the Phillies? What the fuck are you talking about? That's an easy one-to-one. They're named after Philadelphia.

All right, the Fanatic? The Fire? That was added on after. It's a fucking mascot. The guy who created this. There's no kangaroos in fucking Austin, is the point. Is there? There are no kangaroos. Oh, there are.

We drove by some. There's no kangaroos. There's no Italians in Austin, dude. I'm a kangaroo. Yeah, you're a kangaroo. I'm a roo. You can just name it anything. Root boat.

The Texas Jews. Yeah. That's the best part about Austin. No Jews. We get a break. Guys, she hates this. If anybody asks, I was never on this podcast. This is live streaming, dude.

Oh, no. Yeah, it's live streaming. This is the best day of my life. Chris is researching kangaroos. It reaches back to the 1850s. Here we go. When Austin College upperclassmen held mock trials called Kangaroo Court in which freshmen were tried by upperclassmen.

Look, Tom, is your social battery drained? This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.com. My social battery is... Have they been listening to my reads? Dude, the social battery is drained. Yeah. I'm fed up. Yeah.

I'm realizing now how much of my life I spend just alone. Like I like to spend just... Yeah. You know what i mean i i'd like it's uh it's it's hard as things pick up as you're doing more stuff you have to really make like a concerted effort to like set aside like creative thinking time yeah normally it just like you have your whole day you get to just while away the hours just pondering 100 that's how i got most of my good work done in the past but that life is no longer available to me because it's social because yeah because you got to be social you got to be out there you got to be doing

stuff yeah you know that includes your telephone and you have a bigger social battery than i do i'm on the highest i get is 10 yeah i'm like You're already eating cookies, dude. I don't know what that means when I'm insulted by it. That's an inside joke. For who? For who if not me? See, this is just the kind of thing that drains my social battery.

I just took 2% off your battery, dude. Yeah, you got to go to betterhelp.com. You got to talk to someone about it. They'll give you some good jokes. They'll talk to Joe, even. Maybe he's on BetterHelp. Is your neighbor Joe? Oh, John?

Yeah, yeah, John. Yeah. He can give you some good Congress people jokes, and that can get you through the appetizers. Holy shit, what are you doing? The appetizers, at least. That's what I'm saying. If anybody needs BetterHelp, it's me.

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No offense. Your college is dumb as fuck, dude. We liked kangaroos. We just named the school after it. That's the biggest thing that happened in the 1940s. Yeah, 1923. The class of 1923 bought a live kangaroo from a zoo in California and shipped it to Sherman, Texas. And fucked the shit out of it.

That was the fraternity. He was so rich. He just owned a ranch. He's like, I want a kangaroo. I want to fuck that thing. I'm going to buy a school, call them the Roo. Separate this kangaroo from his friends. Let us bully him.

He played linebacker for a couple seasons. Honestly, though, great ass, dude. You got a great fucking jazz. I wish the people at home could see this fella. You're lucky they didn't have the kangaroo courts when you were there. They would have fucked that butt. They would have fucked that butt so hard. Look at his ass like that.

I wish you were gay. What? I wish I was gay. So you can fuck that butt? You know what this dude throw a football? Fucking do patterns. You don't have to be gay to throw a football. Yeah, dude.

Fuck that giant ass. Yeah, I wish I was gay so I could throw a football at this guy. Yeah. Dude, fucking... Oh, dude, aggressive fucking gays. You know these gay guys, they love tossing the old pig skin around. Yeah. Playing sports.

What do you call them? That's how you know Tommy's from Philly. No, what do you call gays that are manly and shit? Bears? Bears. No, that's just hairy guys. That's big hairy guys. Yeah, what do you call a...

I think they're just hot guys. Aaron Rodgers. I got his ass. You know what I mean? Isn't that a fucking gift? Gays can just like hang out. What are you talking about, man? I'm trying to tell you.

All right, look, my driver's test is on Friday. No, I'm trying, like, I wish I could just meet a dude, fuck him, go home to another dude. Gays are nuts. They're loosey-goosey. I know, they are better at fucking than we are. And their workers don't care. go home to another dude? Gays are nuts. They're loosey-goosey. I know. They are better at fucking than we are.

And their workers don't care. You're talking about a straight man in the 50s. Go out, fuck a lady, come home to his wife, fuck her. It was a good time. Look, baby,

it was a long day of work. Is that the only gay guys can do that? Anyone gay? That sucks. Yeah, are there any gays here? I know this doesn't feel like a welcoming environment,

but I'm just saying, we're talking about how great it is. It but I'm just saying like... I was actually saying that. We're talking about how great it is. It's nice. That's not what I was saying. Throw this guy a football if he catches he's gay. Dude, what balls are you? Sex, sex.

I was just literally going, I wish I was gay. Look, this is not a gay friendly environment. No, no, I'm saying... I'm just saying my Italian friend here. Well, you're not making it warm and friendly. You're going like, I wish I was fucking gay. I'd be fucking every one of these pieces of shit. I just want to fuck this guy in the ass.

That's not... Yeah, yeah. How hard is that? The rest of you are safe for now. I don't think you're sympathizing with the gay... I'm saying sex changes everything. I think, like, the football tosses would get worse once you fucked. You know what I mean?

They'd be like, why'd you throw it so hard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would be like fucking... True. Yeah, it would start to... First date football toss. You keep throwing it long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. throw it so hard yeah yeah they would be like true yeah it would start first day football you keep throwing it long yeah yeah yeah i don't even need an umbrella no sps three months so you're like ah you're going all the way down there oh you're going to throw it with him

you're going to throw the football with him why he's getting all the targets this week This is our thing Stefan digs is gay I'm saying gays rule dude. I know just fucking they pop in pop out come fuck off I know but another one it is a problem like like find another receptacle fuck off. Yeah, it is a problem. It is. No, it's a problem. It's like being at a comedy festival. It's a problem. It's like being at a comedy festival, taking a piss in the urinal and just going, ah, see you later. No, but does anyone here like...

Yeah, like lesbians have problems like on their teams. You know what I mean? Yeah. The problem with lesbian teams is they always win the championship. No, no, they don't. No, they don't. The bulls are running the chips. No, team chemistry breaks down once two of them start fucking.

Really? Yeah, yeah. It's a big problem. One of the coaches spoke out about it, and then they got reprimanded. I don't know if you know this. History and science podcast. I don't know if you know this yet. I think it was softball.

Someone was like, the coach was like, go check it out. What else do we got? I think it's softball. So I read this thing about Dykes ruining the locker room. I think it was like softball. It was cricket, for sure. Cricket, darts, golf.

Whatever they're into these days. Yeah, dude, the pitcher connection was off. And their coach was asked why, and they were like, they started fucking, and now they don't know how to play together anymore. Yeah. This is why I'm so scared. That happened to me with my little league coach when we were doing slow pitch.

You know the coach has to pitch it to you? Ever since we fucked, it's been off, dude. You were so good. He was an ace pitcher. So Coach Farrell fucked me in the ass. He said he's mad at me. He went off ever since I fucked you. I was averaging 30 hummers a year.

You were batting 400. This guy put the tip of his bird in my bum. Now you refuse to swim. He turned into a kangaroo. I am so glad. That's a callback. A kang refuse to swim. I turned into a kangaroo. I am so glad. That's a callback. A kangaroo callback. I got her.

She's smiling now. Arms are uncrossed. No, she was having fun. This is live podcasting, baby. She's having fun. Let's fucking go. You don't understand. This is the best live podcast that's ever happened.

Most of it is sunshine. There's no question. I don't think it's... Live podcast. This is insane. I didn't think it's... This is insane. I didn't even know we had to do this. I apologize

because this is fucking disgusting. What do you mean? We had to do this. I think it's great. I'm having a nice time. I'm having a great time. This is wonderful.

I think they're having a great time. But the thought of it... We're learning a lot. We learned that whole softball story. Is there a Q&A? Yeah, what do you want to ask?

Hold on, hold on, hold on. I have a question that's been bugging me. So you got your permit. Do you have to ride with an adult? Yeah. You just ride with somebody that has a ride that has... Let's repeat the question.

Yeah, yeah. But I can drive. That was as soon as he left the Department of Public Safety. Why are you guys answering? I did the tests. What did he ask? Because I was there. I could tell the story.

We left the Department of Public Safety, and he was like, can I drive? And I said, no. I don't know why you're laughing at that. I said so many funnier things. I knew he was going to drive right to a bar. This podcast has been weird ever since they fucked each other.

We went right to a bar. I was like, celebrate drinks! In a Dodge Charger. She just got a fucking ticket in. Yeah, that was sick. It was sick. Yeah. Fuck that car. Dude, no joke, I thought I was going to get fully taken to jail

for a second. I think I have a warrant out for my arrest in New York City. Oh, dude. Can I say this? I don't know why I said yeah. You can say it. We're speeding. Yeah, just anything to advance this fucking thing. We're not even speeding.

He was going like a natural speed down the highway. We're following the flow of traffic. Yeah, 10 miles an hour. All right, you'll find out why. So we're not going that fast. There's a cop in this little section off the highway. Fucking hate when they sit there. His fat fucking finger is out the window

and he goes... Oh, he wags it. It was such a boss-ass move. He just went like this. The guy was 75. You're the one. He flips his lights on and just goes, I'll see you in a minute, dude.

Sure enough, the guy pulls up. Chris pulls over. I'm smooth. I'm hiding my guy pulls up. Chris pulls over. I'm smooth. I'm fucking. I'm hiding my vapes up my asshole. I'm just chilling. No, I wasn't. And they're legal in here.

I wasn't totally smooth. The guy walks up to the window, and Tommy's leaning across me going, I told him not to get the charger. I told this fuck not to get the charger. It's like, dude, can you make us see more out of town? I'm in a rental with Texas plates. We could have pulled it off. Tommy's like, hey, I'm from fucking New York City.

This fuck. It's so true. It's like, Jesus, dude. He's got 80-year-old Texas Rangers outside the fucking window. That charm works in the East Coast. So I just leaned under the window. I was like, I told him not Rangers outside the fucking window. That charm works in the East Coast. So I just leaned under the window. I was like, I told him not to get the fucking charger. And he goes, wait, what?

Yeah. He was pissed. Dude, it was weird. You look like he didn't shoot you on sight. Tommy sounds like a grackle to these guys. Yeah. They just hear like. He's like, sir, you can't transport birds in the passenger seat.

That's going to be another $250 ticket. No, no, no. He's a person. He's Italian. You had a 180-pound whop crackle sitting in the front seat. We're going to have to pull you over. Dude. So we go down the Like ten minutes later Oh yeah

The other side of the highway After the ticket Blocked it Blocked up Like full Blocked There's no traffic Cars on the

We're like There's fire engines everywhere Like we literally left that Being like This Texas is fucking gay I thought you could do anything here Like when you fucking Can't drive ten miles an hour over the speed limit?

This is fucking bullshit. Two minutes later, we saw someone who had been speeding in a fiery wreck and had clearly died. No doors open. This thing was slammed over. The fire was already put out. The fucking EMS, EMT, whatever you call it here. EBS. Oh, yeah, what whatever you call it here. EBS.

Oh, yeah, what do you got? UPS. What do they do out here? Everything's blocked off trying to protect this. The fire engines weren't even trying to put the fucking car out. They were just parked to block people from seeing it. Yeah. Yeah.

It was bad. So Chris is like 12 miles an hour. I don't know why we thought this was funny. He's like, I'm not going to deal with this guy just gone. Yeah. It was bad. So Chris is like, 12 miles an hour. I don't know why we thought this was funny. That's no big fucking deal. And this guy just gone. Yeah. He probably was going 50 over. No way. You go 10 over, you're fine.

We were laughing that they probably just, they were like, don't put it out now. The cleanup's going to be more difficult. Oh, God. Just let it burn out. Just let it burn out. Just let it burn through. Yeah. Then we just have to, you know.

It's like a pot pie. They put the garbage crew on it. Let it burn for a little bit. I know it's disgusting, but. Like a pie in a cast iron. You're not going to want to peel that guy off the seat. Yeah. Throw the exhaust on.

It'll come right out. That's not funny? We're talking right out. That's not funny? We're talking about death. That's not funny? Okay, you turn off. I don't really listen to that. People dying. Oh, a disturbing thing I just described.

Oh, I guess that's not funny. Jesus Christ, go fuck yourself. Oh, I guess your own mother died. That's not funny. Fuck you. How fast do you guys drive on the highway? What? 10 to 20.

10 to 20? What? You need a front door? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It's a lead car. It's drafting.

You're drafting on that. Wait, you call them a front door? I like that. That's fucking sick. You know what? You said that, and I you call him a front door? I like that. That's fucking sick. You know what? You said that, and I believed you fully that that was just a common thing. And then you were like, yeah, my dad said it once. And I was like, yeah, it makes more sense.

I thought the guy was going in underneath the trunk. Wait, what? Or the hood. The front door. I was like, front door? Yeah, you just drive his door? That's crazy. I like that.

Sometimes, but cops are lazy. I feel like sometimes they just pull over door? That's crazy. I like that. Sometimes I, but cops are lazy. I feel like sometimes they just pull over the person in the back. Yeah. I feel like though I rarely see that though. It is the guy usually who's by himself. I've mostly gotten pulled over when I just happened to, it's that one second I stopped paying attention, and I'm like, oh, I'm by myself for a second,

and then they're hiding. You know how they hide? They're like, oh, I'm by myself for a second. And then they're hiding. You know how they hide? They're like, ooh, I'm in a sneaky spot. They'll be like right next to a hill. And you pass the hill and you're like, you motherfucker. And they're like, ooh, I knew I'd get somebody here. I'm in my sneaky little spot. I knew I'd see.

And then because normally if there's a bunch of people, you see everybody slam their brakes. And so you're like, oh, there's a fucking cop over that hill being sneaky. Yeah, but you look like everybody here. You are a perfect morph of everything. I also, I turn on the southern charm when I'm over here. Oh, officer. I was trying to get to my girl.

I was trying to stop my girl from getting an abortion. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to stop my girl from getting an abortion. Yeah, yeah. I was speeding. Go right ahead, sir. We'll escort you there. It's like bringing a dead body to the hospital. She's going to abort the baby. Right ahead, sir.

It's So funny. I got to pick up my guns first. No. What? He's got herpes. For real? No. I feel like now we have to.

That was fucking crazy. I have a kid on the way. I'm not supposed to tell people. So the 13 people here, keep it under your hat. This is Tom Takar. Yeah, Tom Takar. You guys don't know this boy. He is so fucking funny. Oh yeah, we never intro'd

anything. We clearly don't do anything. I didn't even think about that until today. Our whole existence is... Well, I don't know. You guys feel like family. That's true. Jesus Christ. We all live in Austin together. We're like family, dude.

Don't fake that shit. That's great. You trying to be a... I don't know. We all feel that way. It's got a real Olive Garden vibe in here. You can say whatever you're doing. Eh?

Tell them about your wife being fake. How'd you dump her? What was she in all for? We're all family here. What kind of kid is on the way? We just found out. What kind of? You mean ethnically?

She's going to work at the DPS. What's up, baby? Where you from? Your license expired two years ago. You fucked up. You fucked up. Oh, they are the best. They are the best.

Black women? Yeah. The fucking best. I miss blacks, dude. There's no blacks in Austin. I miss... I do. There's no fucking hardcore blacks.

Hardcore Philly blacks suck my dick. They're the best. Yeah? Yeah, they're right in your face. They're real. You got a text? No, no, no. I was checking the time.

Checking the time. Checking the time. There's only one way to tell the seasons are changing. I was checking the time. There's only one way to tell the seasons are changing. It's when they ride their fucking ATVs through the city. Yes. Just wheeling. Yeah, that last day of fall. That's the peepers. When people go up

north to see the leaves change. Do you guys even know what that is? Fall foliage. They change from brown to black. It's beautiful. Street lights just go like... Just unruly blacks getting crazy. Yeah, do you guys have blacks on dirt bikes down here?

Oh, hell yeah. That's awesome. Where? Is it seasonal? East downtown. What do you call it Is it seasonal? East downtown. What do you call it? Edo? Edo.

And it's spelled like Judge Edo from the OJ Simpson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Secret group. Rip around on fucking four wheelers. I'm trying to meet fucking cool black dudes, dude. I'm tired of these fucking burly white dudes. It's great. I love it.

Don't laugh at my jokes Black dudes love my shit What should we do You crazy man You fucked up Can I get another bourbon Jesus Christ Anyone

Can I get a Can I get a calamari? Spicy ketchup? They might have that. Have a sip of mine. Yeah, have a sip of both of ours. All right. I was joking about mine.

This is all for me. I need it. Honestly, though. Congratulations on the new arrival. You've got a giant herpy growing in your wife's belly. Thanks, dude. This is making me so much happier that I agreed to share it with you guys. It's better than whatever the fuck's going to happen after this.

Let me tell you something. You're going to fucking wish you were back in this seat talking about your wife's pregnant belly, filling her up dog style. Why did you bring that up? Why did I bring it up? I was happy for him. Oh, because I said the abortion thing and then it started to...

It was the opposite. It was the opposite of abortion. He's creating life. Alright, so... The DMV. Oh, did you get one? No, no, no. Hello, welcome. What should we do? Where the, did you get one? No, no, no. Hello.

Welcome. What should we do? Where the fuck have you guys been? Outside, just chilling. You missed, like, the whole fucking thing. Yeah, this is going to be such a shock to you. Honestly, I'm glad you missed it. Or a science and history podcast. I'm glad that you were not here for that, to be honest.

What we do is we measure labia of women that are in serious disarray. What do you mean? You're at the right show. I'm the surgeon. I take a look at it like a fucking architect. Oh, you could have said like a surgeon. The surgeon part was already good.

I'm only a surgeon. I'm like a surgeon. I'm artistic with my pussy clipping. It's like a surgeon that wanted to be an architect. I'm artistic with my pussy clipping. It's like a surgeon that wanted to be an architect. I'm a landscaper. I'm a landscaper of pussy. I take a look at that long labia and I snip it like Edward Scissorhands.

Precisely. Where did we lose you guys? Yeah. I don't think we lost them. I think this is fine. This is very funny. They just got here. Imagine walking into that conversation.

They're having a great fucking time. Do you guys ever have girlfriends complain about the length of their labia? Yes. Never. Never? Well, they're gay. But they still have friends that are girls. Why would you assume such a thing?

What about the length of your assholes? Do you gay guys have long assholes? Getting all that meat stretched out? Yeah you assume such a thing? What about the length of your assholes? You gay guys have long assholes? Getting all that mince stretched out? Yeah, is that a genuine? The ass of the dude behind you? Dude, show him you're dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, show him. You're going to get these dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come here. You're going nuts, dude. Just do it. Look at this.

Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this dude's rump. Get in the light. Is that? Get in the fucking light. Show him your ass. Look at this. He said. Look at that dude's rump. Look at this dude's rump. Get in the light. Is that? Get in the fucking light. Show me your ass.

Look at this. He said. Look at that fucking ass. Is that good? Man. Is that good? He said, Trev ass Kelsey. Yeah.

Get it. Dude. That's a good ass. Right? Just a straight fucking masculine dude with a giant fucking ass. That's your goal. That's what you want to take down. Hell yeah, dude.

Have you ever taken down a guy like that and then their asshole's too big and you hate it? I don't think the asshole is the same as the ass. What do you mean ask him? The tops and bottoms here? Okay. Does the ass like... Have you ever taken down a guy like that and his dick's too small and you start filling up your ass the right way? Or it paves down.

It sounds like it's in Big Buck Hunter. You're just shooting jizz at a guy. Big asses. Zebra. Africans apart. God damn. Russian bathhouse. No, it's not too much.

It's perfect. It's a perfect amount of craziness. Do buttholes loosen? Yeah, dude. What are you talking about? Haven't you ever taken a bad shit? Dude, your butthole is notably loose. Jesus.

Notably? It's not notably. I don't leave. It's well documented on the podcast That you have a loose butthole I don't have a loose butthole I have a You have a loose butthole No it's

It's the The amount of drinking And drugging I'm doing Has loosened it up No it loosens my bowels Yeah You have a loose butthole Is that not the same

I know bowels aren't the same Actually I don't know I'm sorry I'm not a fucking doctor Listen No no Hold on hold on It's like air flow It's like airflow.

It's like... You can drink your way into having a butthole that seems like it's been fucked for a long time. No! I think you can. It comes back! It's like the Star Wars doors. No, I've been hearing it all...

I'm sitting right next to it, I can hear it. It's like, you hear my butthole? My butthole shut as soon as I walked in. You can hear the wind blowing around there. It opened up As soon as they walked in. You can hear the wind blowing around there. It opened up when the straight dude came in. I was like, give me. And then he came in, I was like.

See? Podcasting. Live. You see? How are you? Good? You guys look great. Girls, guys, how do I do it?

I'm old. I'm 44. I just got my permit. What are your pronouns? Whatever it is they bring. Oh, fuck you, dude. That's the fucking answer. But it shouldn't be the answer. I don't agree with that now.

This is the craziest take ever. You're a fool. I don fluent and I want to know. I want to hear anything else. It should be whatever the fuck it feels like. Oh, nothing makes me sick like someone who knows who they are. No, I'm saying that's exactly what, like, it should just be up to whoever it is. Whichever way the wind's blowing? Yeah.

Whichever way your farts are blowing? Yeah. I just listened to your asshole and it sounds like they have... It's open. It is open.

Oh, we're having a good time. You guys need a pen? You missed the whole part that I was saying I wish I was gay. Yeah, he was saying that throwing footballs

would be better if you could fuck the dude after. And I was saying that I feel like sex interferes with anything. Like, if you're ever having a good catch, and then you fuck, and then you're trying to have a catch again, and it's not going in the same way. Yeah. You guys don't have catches? Yeah, but you continue to fuck.

Yeah, see? Doesn't interfere with it at all. It never gets in the way of the... This is what I'm saying. It's chill. This is what he was saying. He's right. This seems like a plan.

This seems like I told him to come in here. That's who you were texting. He does. These guys came out of fucking nowhere. They didn't hear you say this. They didn't sit front fucking center. And these seats should not be available for such a hot show. Please get it right. No fucking drama.

Figure out what the fuck you like. Get your genitals off. Get back to it. You guys want a pen? Yeah. Free dick pen. What? I don't know. Sure. Get back to it. You guys want a pen? Yeah. Wait, so... Free dick pen. What?

What? I don't know. I can't believe you took it, but you need a pen. I like that I took the pen. He did. You're right. You take the pen. Days are more chill.

No one else took a pen in here. Sign that pen. Are you an artist? Sign that pen. What did you do for work? This is dynamite. That's a paradox. What did you do for work? I need my shirt and me clothes. Are you an artist? Sign that pin. This is dynamite. That's a paradox. What do you do for work?

I made my shirt. I made clothes. Are you a stylist? You made that shirt? I did. It's crazy. You only got half of it done. You napped.

You fucking napped. See, this is the problem with this generation, dude. They only do half the job. Nobody wants to work anymore. Lazy motherfucker. You're lazy again. For the listeners at home, it's a midriff showing shirt. Dude, that is exactly.

If I was making a shirt, that's exactly where I quit. Dude, you wouldn't even get all do. The sleeves look great. You wouldn't even get to the arms. Yeah, yeah. You would have a tank top in the winter. I love the long sleeves on it, too. It's like, in case my arms get cold. Now you stand up.

You stand up. We're not just flexing on giant males. You are ripped. That's great. Look at this. Look at that. That's crazy. How'd you score this?

I'm sorry, but you outkicked your coverage. This is it. This is it. This is great. Beautiful couple. It's a beautiful couple. I love this world. Isn't it great? I love that.

You guys are wonderful. And came in with the best vibes. I'm going to be honest. Until you guys got here, I fucking hated this crowd. What? That's not true. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I loved you guys. In defense of them. I was trying to be honest. Until you guys got here, I fucking hated this crowd. What? That's not true. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I loved it. In defense of them. I was trying to boost them up. In defense of them, Tommy got his learner's permit today, and we spent the whole day at the DMV, and that's mostly what we talked about. It was bad. It was mostly our own content. We walked them through a trip to the DMVs begging for something funny to come out.

Yeah. I can't wait for two gays to come sit in the front row. Yeah. At the perfect time. We don't know what their sexuality is. Nostradamus again. I got a little hankering. You might be ye.

When did you know that you were gay? Straight out the business. Dang. We're talking like five? When did you know that you were gay? Dang We're talking like five? Yeah, yeah You got a little taste of that pussy on the way out You're like, no Dude, he was allergic He got food poisoning from her pussy

Not for me, honey This is all for three weeks Just in the ICU You sick pussy He got food poisoning from a pussy. Not for me, honey. This is all for three weeks? Just in the ICU with a sick pussy. Breastfeeding was a nightmare. Ew. I'm a platinum gay, though. You what?

I'm a platinum gay. Platinum gay. What's that? Platinum. Never. It's what? Oh, shit. Wait, hold on. What?

C-section. C-section. Oh, you want C. Oh C-section Has literally never Touched a pussy That's what they call platinum gays That's like the front door thing I'm learning I'm learning so much shit I've almost got that with Delta

Delta told me I'm so close to platinum pussy. Yeah, I just got to spend ten more grand at a whorehouse. The rollover is tough, man. Can you imagine doing a sonogram and there's just a kid in the uterus with his feet on the wall? I'm sorry, he won't come out that way. I'm going C. I like that way. I'm going C. I like that D. I'm going C.

You see that? It's a play on words. Live podcast. Piece of shit. Homophobic ass. That'd be great. Because now if we start bombing, we can blame homophobia.

I just turned on everybody that came here to see us. That's how charming they are. I feel like, is the audience mic'd? They're not, right? No. People at home should know, this has been great. We've been killing. The mics aren't picking it up.

First of all, people don't know that's what we do is kill. That's fair. I just feel like they might hear one cricket going off and then we're like, no, her arms got recrossed. It's chilly. She fucking laughed like 10 minutes ago.

It's chilly in Texas. It's not chilly. She's fucking chilly. Her heart's chilly. She's a nice woman. She's a floppy asshole. Look at her. She's laughing her ass off. She's not a floppy asshole. Maybe a her. She's laughing her ass off. She's not a floppy asshole. Maybe a doctor coming at you.

You keep it up. I'm going to grab the scissors. I'm going to start telling people I'm platinum straight. Oh, that's good. What's that? I've only touched pussy. Platinum straight is if you're... I haven't even touched my own dick to piss.

Platinum straight is if you're birthed out your dad's ass. I wouldn't even touch my own dick to piss. Blood's a straight as shit. It's if you're birthed out your dad's ass. I've never even seen a woman's body. My dad helped me. Dumped me on his ass. Dude, my stepdad told me my uncle got born because his dad shitted him out. It's like the hardest I've ever laughed in my life.

I believed it, too, for like two years. I thought he came out of my grandpa's asshole. I don't think it's possible to be platinum straight. You see my father. I'm a Russian nesting doll to my dad. I came out of my dad's ass. My fucking beak. He reproduced asexually?

Yeah, he reproduced asexually. I would love that. I would love if my dad just threw a football with me and then we fucked. A good relationship. This is the thing, brother. I don't like that material. We just want to fuck you to get closer to our dads.

That's it, man. Just let us fuck you to get closer to our dads. Once. Because we're not fucking gay. We'll Eiffel Tower you once and then we'll get out of here. I'll get over it. I'm going to get that out of my system. Once you take a giant shit and it feels

good, you're kind of not straight for a little bit. Sometimes I wipe in a way that's like I did not straight anymore. Dude. I feel the same way. Dude, we had a tushy at home. Blasting your ass with a fucking water is like... Dude, I feel the same way. Dude, we had a tushy at home. A tushy, a tushy.

A tushy, dude. Blasting your ass with a fucking water is like... Get a bidet. Yeah. You fucking southerners, I don't know if you're still doing this stuff. Wash your asshole. A bidet is delicious, dude. Just fire that off. Tommy drinks out of it.

Dude, I squirted my old... With a dog at a fountain. My old WAP landlord before he passed. He was like a 90-year-old Italian. And he lost his fucking mind. He had dementia. He walks in our apartment. And he's like...

He couldn't understand. He had to hold, like, Google Translate up to his fucking Italian mouth. And he gets to the bathroom. He goes, oh, the shirt. I better go to the shirt. He's looking at the tushy. Tushy's like a, what the fuck is that?

I don't know. What is that? Is that meat? No. So he's looking at the tushy. Tushy's a, it's a bidet. It's like a $100 bidet. We're not sponsored by tushy.

Highly recommend it. These guys clean their assholes with jitter tongues. It's a. Like cats. It's a hard pressure a It's a hard pressure water fountain after you take a dump. Right?

So he comes over he goes he's worried about like what we're doing to the property and all that shit. I get in the stand in front of the toilet

and I did like I turned the thing on. Dude it fires directly into his chest. He's there he He goes, oh! Oh!

And he was so pissed. Just an old Wapkin smoked with toshijuice. Oh, that's beautiful. What is happening? Is there a synth show happening? No, it's still happening. It does sound like a lightsaber a little bit. You think it's my mic? Yeah.

Swing. Why do you think that? Yeah, what makes you think? Oh. Is it this? What just happened? Hold up. I don't know.

Everything was fine. It did sound like it was there for a second. That Toshi joke would have fucking crushed. It did have legs. Just sing happy birthday. I think that new vape would have fucking crushed. It did have legs. Just sing happy birthday. I think that new vape might have fucked it. What is that?

Is that barbecue sauce? What the hell is that? That's racist. This is a graham cracker flavored vape. I think that graham cracker fucked it. Do you guys have questions? What are we at right now? I don't know.

It doesn't matter. I got to go soon. My show starts in negative three minutes. Where are we at? We're at 9.03. We're what? 9.03. 52. What?

This is the perfect time. Do you guys have any questions for us? This has been so fun. First of all. But this is no relation to that. Yeah, yeah. All right. Never mind.

Are you an audio engineer? No, don't fuck yourself. Do you do audio? Are you an audio engineer? I do audio stuff. I'm not an audio engineer? No, don't fuck yourself. Are you an audio engineer? I do audio stuff. I'm not an audio engineer. You do audio stuff? You know audio. What does it take to be...

Actually, that feels like it did fix it somehow, but fuck. God damn it. Nothing. No, no, I want to see if it happened again. First of all... I think it's fixed, right? It feels like it's fixed. It's fixed.

And it was right after he told me to change that one thing. Give it up for our engineer over here. Let him hear it. It's our producer. Not quite sure he fixed it, but... In the back. No, it's still doing it. This is Tom Thakkar.

He's got a spot in the tent. That's right. Where it looks This is Tom Thakkar. He's got a spot in the tent. That's right. Where it looks like it's still kind of homeless. He's got his place to stay in a tent. Don't worry. Yeah, you can tell by his face he's going to be in a tent in a fucking hour. Does anybody have questions? Sir?

Fire. What's your best meal so far in Texas? Best meal so far in Texas? I got it. You guys have been here longer than me. I haven't had a meal other than the pizza here. To eat your girlfriend's ass. My girlfriend's bottle.

No, I had some... A duck. What's a duck? Yeah, sour duck. Oh, no, odd duck in Austin. Odd duck? You guys been there? Good.

Oh, nice. Unbelievable. Oh, you meant... He forget we're're in Austin. Dude, this is so funny. I was in Austin yesterday. I went to Turkey. I went to Turkey.

I went to HEB and I got a turkey sandwich. It was pretty fucking good. The whitest sentence of all time. Oh, thanks for having me. I went to HEB and got a turkey sandwich. I went to HEB and got a turkey sandwich. It went to H-E-B and got a turkey sandwich. It was pretty good. Yeah, these teams are doing a good job.

Unbelievable. I had a good cookie at the Hilton Garden Double Country Inn. I ate a bagel. I ate a bagel at a shop around the corner. Did you say bagel like that? Bagel. I say bagel. Cream cheese bagel.

Bagel. A bagel like that? Bagel. Yeah, bagel. It's a bagel. Bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel. You're doing that on purpose. It's a bagel. Cream cheese bagel. Bagel. A bagel. Bagel. Yeah, bagel. It's a bagel. Bacon, egg, and cheese on a bagel. Everyone a bagel. It's a bagel.

No, it's a bagel. It has an A in it. Where are you from? Philly. Philly. Yeah. Where are you guys from? I'm from Austin.

You guys are from Austin? Oh, sick. That's where you get that style. Fort Lauderdale, yeah. Yeah, the snaps are not in any kind of... In every corner of the room. You look like you're trying to kill a mosquito. Well, that's me supporting.

I'm supporting. I'm for the gays. Where the hell is it? Tommy wants you to compliment his shirt so badly. Versace. Vintage. How is it, though, really? You don't like the shirt?

We like the shirt with the hair on the chain. It looks good, right? We'll lose the Cubs next time. What? Lose the what? Oh, the pants. I'm trying to listen. Let me tell you why.

The only reason why is because... Lose what? Lose the Cubs Oh, the pants. Hold on, I'm trying to listen. Let me tell you why. The only reason why is because... Lose what? Lose the cups. Oh. God, I'm doing you guys' job for you. I like short pants. You have to, like, go with the oversized look. And with the cups, it kind of stops.

Let me tell you something. I appreciate this so much. Because we have this conversation with me and my girl. When she wears a baggy top, I need a tight bottom. You can't go baggy, baggy. Oppo. You got baggy down I need a tight bottom you can't go baggy baggy oppo you got baggy down low go tight up top

I fucking know this then why aren't you doing it because I did a lot of drugs last night and I fucking threw footballs in the afternoon I got drunk in the streets but I do agree with this and I swear to god

Tom I hate to see you like this But I do agree with this, and I swear to God. Tom, Tom. Dude, I've been saying this. I hate to see you like this. Tommy, I hate to see you like this. You know you cuff those pants every time. No, I... You know you cuff those pants every time, and you like it.

Hold on. I'm watching you wilt in front of the judgment of these two. It's the lowest I've ever seen you. It's not about the cuff. Guy comes in looking hot as hell from Fort Lauderdale, and you crush like an egg. Dude, this is Shark Tank. Stand up for yourself, Tom.

This is Shark Tank. You got a goddamn Versace shirt on. This is gay Shark Tank. You wore it to get your learner's permit photo. This is truly gay Shark Tank. Like, I'm fighting for my life right now. I'm like sharks. Gay sharks.

I promise. I'll get my shipping and ordering. I only cuffed him because my girlfriend told me to. Our shipping and ordering is all out of whack.

All I need is 300,000 dollars for tighter fucking cuffs. No, I always No, baggier cuffs. You gotta go Japanese pants. You're missing the point. What he's saying...

I'm sorry. This is like you're doing Queer Eye for the Already Gay Guy. I like to wear cuffs. That did not get enough. That's nice. Queer Eye for the Already Gay Guy. That's too straight.

That's a straight joke, and I'm not about it. That's way too straight. What I'm saying is I always cuff my shit, right? But what we're agreeing upon is this is a baggy fit. You can't go baggy baggy. So I'll cuff if I had a nice tight fit. No, he's saying you got to go baggy baggy.

Short pipes. Like that. If I had his fucking shirt on. See, he's tight tight. He's cuffed perfect. Make me a fucking negligee. If I had his fucking shirt on, his pants cuffed, perfect. Make me a fucking negligee. Go to Fort Lauderdale, take 35 minutes to make me half of a shirt.

God damn it, I sat on my fucking pack. Now I know how you guys feel, dude. Right up my ass. You got a question? I got a question. What do you think about killing a Italian? Jesus Christ. That's a civil war, dude. It's like comparing apples

and manzanas. That's crazy. I mean, I think it's temporary. I think it's about nostalgia and how you're raised. It's like going on vacation somewhere. You're just like, for a while, you're like, this is what I want. This is what I need. For a while, and then you go, ah!

No more fucking Mai Tais at the beach. I need to get back to whiskey. No, but what do you think is better? He already knows that. It's got to be Mexican food in Texas. You're wrong. That's why our podcast works, because you're always fucking wrong. Everything you say is a conflict.

And if it wasn't, this wouldn't work. Our relationship wouldn't fucking work. Dude, first of all, all the Italians in Philly are half Irish. Yeah. So you're watered down. Yeah. You're watered down. Yeah. With potatoes and mud.

Jesus Christ. We got pure Mexicans in Texas. I love that. They're whipping up sick ass Mexicans. 150% Mexican. He's better than me on Mexican though. He's better than me. Of course he is. Everybody thinks that. Jesus Christ.

You're a fucking... You're a mascot for Mexicans, dude. Could you imagine if 90% of the Mexicans in Texas were half Irish, how bad the food would be? Yeah, dude. That'd be rough. I'm making a good point. It might not be funny, but it's good.

Yeah, where's the joke? I love that that was the end of the show. Well, I made a good point. It might not be funny, but it's good. Yeah, where's the joke? I love that that was the end of the show. Just making points. Well, I made a good point. I made a point. All right, good night. I know this is a comedy podcast, but there's a point. That's always the telltale sign of bombing.

It's like, I'm not wrong, though. Yeah. You've got to admit. I miss Italian food. There's nothing here. I'm going to open a food truck. Is there no Italian food here in Austin? There's no Italian food. There's nothing here. I'm going to open a food truck. Is there no Italian food in here? Austin.

There's no Italian food. Jesus Christ. Where? What's it called? Red Ass. It burned down, but they're reopening it. No, that's how you know it's a good Italian spot. It was burned down for the insurance money.

It was so overworked. No, they burned it down. The mob's involved. It's the best. It's the best. burned it down. The mob's involved. It's the best. It's the best. It burned down. It was Biden's economy. The owner was like, what are the bills?

Light a fucking match. Never go to an Italian restaurant. Hit by a little Italian lightning. The cutlets coming in from up north are too fucking expensive. It's not a fucking day. Light it all up. Never go to an Italian restaurant that hasn't burned down twice. That's my motto.

It's like Michelin stars. How many burnt down stars does it have? How many times has this place been burnt down? Three fucking times. You got to try my mom's peel. Place can't be that good if the insurance money isn't there. I think that's the episode. That's great.

Any other questions? I'm having fun. Do you guys hate this? I'm having a great time. Yeah, we got nowhere to be. Is it weird just to drink watching a live podcast? This is crazy. Yeah, we covered that already.

Jesus Christ. Wow. You just hear him roast your asses? That is crazy. Yeah, we covered that already. Jesus Christ. Wow. You just hear him roast your ass? That's crazy. Who did? He just said, wait, it's live. He's chill. Oh, that's sick.

Of course you're fucking hot. You thought you were listening to this at home? You're like, this video game sucks. This guy. Hold on, we got a question. No. Oh, come on. You're like, this video game sucks. This guy versus... Hold on, we got a question. Have you attempted to fuck around with him? No. Every... Oh, come on.

What a fucking liar. Every guy has attempted to take some time. What a liar. Every... Are we crazy? Every single person is... Not that I would do it, but you check to see if you could. My problem...

Don't you? My problem is... Dude, I was so ashamed of it that I pretended to myself I was doing something else. You know what I mean? I was like, I want to see how flexible I am. Just all my weight on my shoulders, my legs over my head and going like. You're losing oxygen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Getting a couple knots out. Your dad catches you in the bedroom, you're just passed out with a heart on. The hardest part of doing it, I could do it. I want Your dad catches you in the bedroom. You're just passed out with a heart on. Yeah. The hardest part of doing it, I could do it. I want to be a flexible hockey goalie. That's all it is. I could do it. Oh, five's eight.

I could do it if I could get myself hard. That's the hardest part. Hardest part is not sucking my own dick. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did. I did suck my friend's dick as a kid. That's why I wear baggy pants.

That's why I cuff my pants. The tip of my dick is in the tip. It's in the cuff, dude. I don't know why I was there trying to say I was a platinum gay. I sucked my friend's dick. I sucked my friend's dick when I was five. Wait, what? Tell him. Yeah.

Tell him, baby. Yeah. Tell him. dick when I was five. Wait, what? Tell him. Yeah. Tell him, baby. Yeah. Tell him. What? I was. Yeah, we were friends. Just me rubbing his back. Well, I don't know.

Like, did you guys... That's not how you fucking... Yeah, you're making... That's how you got me to say my wife was pregnant. He just rubs your back. Hold on, guys. I'll do a tube talk. I can't tell with you rubbing my back.

It's not a sad story. It was a fun time. I'm not saying it's sad. I'm getting horny. It's kind of sad. You were five. It is sad that you're five. He wasn't older than me. He was also five. I really enjoy it. You molested each other.

You could both go to jail. What if the cops knocked on the door? We've been looking for you boys for a long time. Double pedophile. No, my fucking mom knocked on the door. And she was sad. She was really sad about it. I always wanted a daughter.

She didn't know how to handle it. There's no shit. She's watching know how to handle it. You know? There's no shit. She's watching her five-year-old son sucking another dude's bird. Well, it's so weird. It's so weird. Like, people always talk about their parents

like scarring them and doing fucked up shit to them. And I like scarred her in a way that I don't think she ever recovered from. Well, she became home sometimes. Yeah, yeah. My mom's been like a little homophobic like for the rest.

Like for the rest. She'd become a great baker, though. What? When women get traumatized late in life, they focus on baking and shit. She can make a great fucking blueberry pie. Oh, the muffins. Muffins. Lights out.

Yeah, great muffins. Without you sucking that dude's bird, she wouldn't know how to bake. Well, I will say, I would recommend it. In a weird way, I would recommend it. Make it the smallest one you've ever seen. Dude, I would, like, I wish there was a way, like. Easiest to digest.

Because it paid dividends. You can suck a dick doing it in five. Dude, it paid dividends later in life. Because every time I brought a chick over to the house, I could hang out with her alone, no problem. Yeah. Because they'd be like, yeah, do it. You know what I mean? Hoping I wasn't gay.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Your mom hoped you weren't gay? Well, she saw me sucking a kid's dick. That's crazy. We were 69. She saw me 69. My mom would never do that.

That's crazy. I can't believe this is how we're closing the show no this is a beautiful story three more hours of live podcast yeah dude I wouldn't

I wouldn't change a thing I love that I got so much pussy from sucking that dick you know what that's so funny dude let's go Chris let's go Chris That's so funny, dude. Let's go, Chris. Let's go, Chris.

Every man talks about how much money it would take to suck a dick. Dude. Would you suck a dick for a million dollars? Would you suck one bird in five? Four years of the best high school pussy you can buy. I think you've convinced us all today to go suck a five-year-old's dick. Let's get out there and suck five-year-old birds. Prove me wrong.

It's Crowder. Prove me wrong. Get out there and suck a five-year-old's dick. That's the age. You know how sometimes a teacher will fuck a student and it's a woman fucking a young lady? Yeah, yeah. Every guy is like, oh, I wish that was me.

But when it's five, you're like, okay. I don't know about that. Dude. If you had a hot-ass teacher fuck you, but you're five, you're like, no, dude, I don't want that. Oh, I would love that. You can't get hard at five. Yes, you can. Yeah, on, like, accidents. No. They're just shoving. About, like, have loved that. You can't get hard in five. Yes, you can.

Yeah, on like accidents. No. About like boats and stuff. You blew your friend and you were shoving a fruit roll up in your mouth. That thing wasn't fucking hard. Yes, it was. It was hard? Yeah.

Do you remember? Dude, from the moment I can remember, I was bonered up in a way that was crazy. Yes, it fucking was. And, dude, you know what? And for a while, I thought maybe I was misremembering. And then my brother had a kid. He was there. My brother had a kid.

My nephew, he was like, he was talking about my nephew. He was like, he's rock hard. Like, when he's wiping his ass He's rock hard See I relate to that Dude Tushy Tushy.com

20% off Coach.file Dude it's genetic You are the getting hard dicks When you're young You're not Yeah yeah Dude I

My nephew said the most My nephew My nephew said the most Insane thing to me. I was pushing him on a swing. And so he wanted to get, he was like growing up, and he wanted to go still in the little swing, you know, that has like the fucking thing up front.

And my brother was standing there, and he was like, Peter, are you like okay in that? Are you like, you feeling okay? You know, because it was like jamming him up hard. And he was like, yeah, I'm fine. And my brother was like, are you sure? And he was like, yeah, yeah, I'm cool. And my brother walks away and I'm pushing Peter on the swing. And he goes, uncle Chris, don't you know, my penis is magic. He's like, what? And he was like, yeah. He's like, sometimes it's huge. And sometimes it's real small sometimes it's huge, and sometimes it's real small.

He's like, right now it's real small, so I'm fine. And thank God my brother was still in earshot. I did not want to be alone with that sense. Uncle Chris, my penis is magic. But that's where I was at. That's where I was at as a kid. I was like, dude Dude this thing is nuts Dude

Yeah Yeah I thought it was I would follow it I would follow it Like a compass Compass And you told him

You're busting my tits About saying things wrong Say compass No it's compass It's a compass Compass It is It is a compass

Yeah Compass No it's not compass. Compass. Okay, now you're picking nits. Thank you. Bagel. No.

Compass. No, no, no, no. Compass. Sucking a five-year-old's dick. Yeah. Do these things. Yeah. See?

All right, that is the end of the show. No, it's not. Any more questions? I want to torture this motherfucker. I want to suck his five-year-old dick. Any more questions. No, it's not. Any more questions? I want to torture this motherfucker. I want to suck his five-year-old dick. Any more questions? Dom, that shit pisses. After your nephew is like, I've got a magic beat.

You should try sucking one. He'll see how magical that can get. I want to talk about magic. The only thing. I'm serious about magic. The only thing my mom ever said to me about it was, like a day after it happened, she pulled me aside and was like,

look, if you have any questions about that shit, ask your dad. That's what Tommy's doing right now. Any questions or anything? I was like, you want me to ask the guy I play football with about sucking real sticks? I'm not doing that. Listen, I'm not fucking pandering. I want to have five kids.

I want them all to be gay. Three gay kids, male. Two gay females. I want them all gay. I don't give a shit about my lineage. I just want them to have fun. These guys steal it right. Just rub genitals, have fun,

fuck off. Life doesn't matter. Politics don't fucking matter. Anyone you're voting for doesn't fucking care about you. Get horny. Get fucked. Be happy. Suck my dick and fuck me. Tommy's son bringing home his boyfriend

and Tommy pulling his son aside and being like, are you having good catches with him? Can he throw? Can he throw a good spiral? That's all I care about. Got a good arm? This makes me so happy because life doesn't even matter. It doesn't. Who gives a shit?

Look at this. Look what we're doing. There's fucking 20 strangers here watching us talk about long assholes. Well, that was a very short portion of the show. It was the most prominent part of my life. Yeah, most of it was DMV related.

Clip it. Guys, thanks so much for coming out. Hey, thanks guys. Thanks for having me, boys. Oh my God. That was very fun. It is you. It's you.

It's always him. I knew it. It's the vape. It's always fucking him. The vape's got all those electronics in it. No, it's not the vape. I'm pissed I wore baggy on baggy because this fucking... Yeah.

No, wait. You were saying... Dude's comment fucked me up. He was saying you should... You got to go baggy with baggy. No, it's not. It's not what he was saying. That is what he was saying.

I got to go over to the other show. I love you, boys. Yeah, I love you, too. Give it up for Tom Takar. Yeah, Tom Takar. Thank you for joining us. I love you boys yeah I love you too give it up for Tom the car yeah Tom the car thank you for joining us