Stuff Island - From Monkey to Shark - Stuff Island #131

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

From Monkey to Shark - Stuff Island #131 Catch Chris and Tommy on tour now! - https://www.stuffislandpod.com/live-shows Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a goddamn blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Visit BetterHelp.com/STUFFISLAND today to get 10% off your first month  Download the Prizepicks app today and use code stuffisland for a first deposit match up to $100! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

yeah we're fully rolling audio this is our first podcast with five fucking guests everybody gets one joke and we're done you like that start they're not miked up so don't say it yeah true how do I don't say a single thing all right let's go baby all right Tommy I know I'm gonna prove to you I'm a fit in time I've been in a car with you driving. I can't fit down that street. Bad start. Bad start. Yes, you can, dude.

Look at the width of this. You got it. You got it. Can we describe what... You look forward. You look out there. You don't look... Just go to a point.

Can somebody just admit... This is fucking nuts. No, you're fine we got tons of room this thing's a boat it is huge Chris you got talk I'm a little bit concerned about the first time I've ever been in a car with you driving I I'm the best. We're headed to the Baltimore Aquarium. We got another. This is another test for you.

Can you get through here? You got to go over a bump, too. You got to go over a bump and you got to split the vehicle. Dude, what's it like on that trip? You got plenty of room. This is insane. All right, just take it easy. All this space, they don't give you any room in the fucking...

We had seven bedrooms. What are you talking about? How tight the streets are. Yeah, dude, this ain't Texas. This is Virginia. This is an old town. It was meant for one horse to go down. That's what the women look like around here.

All right. meant for one horse to go down. That's what the women look like around here. Alright. Alright, we should start the podcast. We started the podcast. Jeez. Oh my god, dude. I knew you'd be a nervous driver. I knew you'd be a nervous driver. Dude, I'm nervous because I'm on camera.

It's all right. Just take a breath. I also had seven espressos. I'm fucking flying right now, dude. God damn it. I am on cocaine. All right. Yeah, we're going to go to the Baltimore Aquarium.

Well, that's where we're driving to. We're not going to go inside the Baltimore Aquarium. Maybe. No, dude. Dude, it's one of the best in the world. I will nap. What? It's one of the best in the world. Yeah, what do they got?

Fish? Sharks? I remember being so disappointed that they can't keep great white sharks alive in captivity. Why? I don't know. They just die. They get so sad. They get so sad. You're a Great White?

No, I'm the opposite. I'm in captivity full time. Wait, but all I do is sit in a room. All fish have to do is move a little bit. No, dude, they have feelings. Great Whites need to be in the open ocean, running around, eating things. If they're in a container...

Oh, shit. What the fuck was that? It just fell off the tree. Oh, did he throw it over the fence? He's blind. He's just disgruntled. Shut the fuck up! Take your gay podcast somewhere else!

You're saying they die because... Yeah, they just get sad. They get so sad in there i feel like every other animal should take notes yeah just all start killing for the next generation true it would be an animal-wide protest if that were true monkeys would be the most emotionally disturbed no i think they're mature enough to handle that they got caught and they're going to live out their days in the container. You know what I mean? Great whites are very immature. They just throw a hissy fit.

Yeah. And just kill themselves. And die. Yeah. Is it like a heart attack or are they just slowly winter away? No, I think they just, yeah. I think they just like, I think they like stop swimming and stuff. Is it like a, is it, they stop eating on purpose?

Is it a protest? Yeah, I think. Like a prison protest? I think so. I think they're just like this bullshit. I don't, yeah. If they like throw meat in the thing, I think they're just like, that's gay. I don't want to hunt something.

I don't want to eat anymore. Yeah. Well, how was the Capitol for you? The Capitol was great. I thought it was gay. You thought it was gay? No, I thought like architecturally. I don't know enough about politics.

Don't even get me started. No, it just doesn't interest me. Yeah. I don't know if it was you or somebody said, it is disturbing how nonchalant everything is in the buildings that determine the country yeah yeah yeah you wish it was a little bit more buttoned up turn yeah it turns out everyone in there is you go into a senator's office it's just like these kids fucking bedroom it's like pizza

boxes yeah bags of candy yeah celsius drinks as you're saying it was real don't meet your heroes kind of thing. Yes. Yeah. Now I know what the fuck happens in that building. I'm not scared of any of them. It's as dumb as I thought it was. Yeah, but now we have to go to like a fucking ATF or FBI office and then you're scared straight again. Yeah. Those boys don't fuck around.

They're not eating Mars bars all day. Capital police. Yeah. I would like to see them scan for bugs, you know yeah I was thinking about that when they said like for serious meetings they have like Capitol Police come in and check for yeah those things out the Capitol I just imagine them coming in being like yeah it's good like literally like the the pat down you get it like the airport Like that meme of that fat guy with the people coming through the stadium. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. No, the Capitol Police are the only people taking their job serious. And they were cocks. I fucking hated that one dude. Yeah. The white guy. Yeah, they're like uptight about things that don't matter. We were like standing there looking at paintings and they're like, Alright, keep it moving. Yeah, they're like uptight about things that don't matter. We were like standing there looking at paintings, and they're like, all right, keep it moving. Yeah, Jesus Christ.

Keep it moving, all right? It's like, dude, no one cares about this room. That dumpy bitch at the bottom of the escalator was like, you guys got tags? And we showed them all. She's like, put them on. Why did they take the Escort tags back? Why? I don't know.

That guy was pretty adamant about If he loses one of these tags His job's over Like that's all he does He's just a tag runner Yeah Someone's walking around People are thinking they're escorted When they're not

That guy spent like 400 grand At fucking Brown University To hustle tags To a bunch of hungover whites That are just taking pictures of Statues It was cool to come out in that balcony Where the inauguration happens and shit tags to a bunch of hungover whites that are just taking pictures of statues. It was cool to come out in that balcony where the inauguration happens and shit. See the big flag where they walk down the steps?

Yeah. I do like marble and history, okay? I just don't like what's going on now in there. Yeah, I also... Not even politically, I just don't like it. I also don't like the people or everyone says they only sleep for four hours it's every wait i'm going straight yeah oh everyone everyone in dc is like yeah no i only sleep for four hours it's like i'm pretty sure

that kills you yeah at a certain point yeah we got to get our buddy out of there he's miserable yeah i tried to ask him a question about what he wants to do in his future you got upset with me Yeah. At a certain point. Yeah, we got to get our buddy out of there. He's fucking miserable. Yeah. I tried to ask him a question about what he wants to do in his future. You got upset with me. But I wanted to break him down. Yeah, well, we finally got done with the tour. We're sitting around having beers. And you're like, so what's the end goal here? The guy just did the nicest thing for us.

So you're just going to do, you look miserable. Well, here's the thing. I hadn't eaten, number one. We had two beers at lunch. That is the number one And I wanted to go back to that feeling And we got to like a third different building and I'm like he's like you want to go see this other Circle building and I was like now we're good and Chris laughs. He goes. Yeah, we'll go they should they like Fucking eating into my beer time we do anytime we do if we go to the aquarium. We're gonna have to bring like You're like a child, but with booze

We like we need like little applesauce packs Yeah, we're in there for 45 minutes you like your beer in here what dude that is brilliant Like little goo packs, but booze. So you don't have to carry the little nippers. Just a fruit roll-up of cocaine. Just a mushy fucking margarita. No, it's just, I get to the point where I get it, you know? You don't.

I hit that museum point, you know, when you go to a museum. You're like, your fucking brain's tired from reading dumb shit. You don't remember anything. You just, natural history. We go to a natural history museum, I'm staring at dinosaurs. I'm there for the long haul, dude. Yeah. I'll buy snacks in that place.

I'll go to the sad cafeteria and then check out the fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex again. They've upgraded the cafeteria. The cafeteria is nice. Did you see the cafeteria in the Capitol building no it truly was a fucking nursing home yeah everything there is so sad the only talk about how beautiful the architecture and the marble and the history of the building and then everybody else is just a sad a sad sack of fat shit hopped up on fucking speed. It does have to be like fucking, it's got to be a little sad. Being in any one, imagine being in one of the meetings with like the speaker and they're

probably, they probably suck. Probably like regular meetings. You're like, this is. Yeah, they're just doing PowerPoints. It's just a waste of fucking... They just all jerk each other off. I don't know. He said that one guy

rang the bell for 27 straight hours. What? Yeah, during session. They had a session that lasted like 27 hours and the poor guy just rang the bell for fucking 27 hours. What do you mean rang the bell?

I guess they ring the bell when there's like a new dickhead that has to talk. Or they come to a conclusion on something. Ding, ding. Dude. I'm coming to the stage. This guy's got like cream cheese stuck to the corner of his fat mouth. Dude, I... I'm going to hit him.

I'm going to hit him. I'm going to hit him. When we were kids, my parents would take us, like, from... We'd change churches, like, every Sunday because my brother and I would, like, embarrass us. We just started laughing through every... Wait. You can't do that. What do you mean?

Change churches? Yeah, you can go to any church. Not... As long as... Yeah, I know, but... Not... But your... I... Okay, Catholic school, you go to your parish's church. You go to're okay Catholic school you go to your your parish's Church you go to st. Charles you go to st. Charles Church you don't just float over to st. Andrews you know you do they'll give you the

fucking meat mug you knuckled up a little dude with the first church we were going to was so boring that like but I gotta find an electrifying church you gotta go black yeah so my brother my parents took us to like a different church to see if it would be better and they had no joke in ice cream truck Bell for communion look I can change that change that angle here I'm just going 95 North, right? Yeah. Because you can see yourself on the phone, right? Uh, yeah. I don't know.

But I'll get in it. And then, uh... Dude, I, yeah... So, wait, you go to... Just because you're laughing, your parents are like... Yeah, yeah. They were like, Jesus Christ, we need to go somewhere where... And then we had, like, relatives visit from Ireland, and we went to church, and it was like an hour you know it was an hour long mass and they

were like what the fuck you guys are sitting here for an hour Jesus Christ yeah priests are like politicians they just also jerked themselves off and when he gets up star and they play the same songs over and over again and yeah I don't think that yeah yeah this is very hard to do yeah you're on the wrong road no I was talking about podcasting you driving well it's 95 north I guess but I think you went the wrong way no I did not totally the wrong way but we're supposed to be in that one. That's 495. This is 95.

I think this is 495. That's 95. Yes, we're on 495. That's all right. It's in the same direction. It's north. Yeah, it's five minutes slower than... No, but uh that means we have to do an extra five minutes on the plug shout out noah thank you i had a wonderful time at your museum i wish i was

a political operator oh god you'd be brutal dude yeah just yeah for some reason i just being sleepy hung over until three yeah what if I wasn't what if I wasn't shaving every day oh my god sober Chris alert Chris is the scariest you yeah that's like sniper worthy yeah serial killer Chris yeah just having meetings I can't do it no I can't I can't get you to text me back or buy a flight. Yeah, I'm too streaky. You know what I mean? You are, dude.

I'm too streaky in life. I could never do a day job. You go from monkey to shark real fucking quick. I never know what animal I'm going to get. I mean, this leg we're doing, we're traveling every fucking day on stage or podcasting or filming. That's when you get, you'll be a shark next week. Definitely. And then by the time I get back from LA, you'll be back in monkey stage.

That's why I think I function better in Europe where they have like a month off in the summer. You know, just August, they're like, fuck it. We're not, everyone's going on vacation. Yeah. You want to take a break from our podcast? No, I just think it's like, if I could never do the day job, just showing up every day. It's like, you don't need me. Have you been fired from every job?

That seems to be a thing. No, I quit. I quit some. Quit a few. Why is it time to get over it? I think it's mostly fired. Because you've got to get on. Is your butt sweaty as hell? It always is.

There's a cold air out of the seat. Oh, yeah. Finn, we're doing a very funny podcast. You can't be fucking interrupting it. This is stuff that we need to concentrate on. Very important things. Chris, how'd you feel about the Capitol building? I liked it.

I'm doing all the right things. You saw it. I did. I don't know what we're doing. I genuinely want to figure out what's happening. When's the last time you went to an aquarium? You saw it. I did. I don't know what we're doing. I genuinely want to figure out what's happening. When's the last time you went to an aquarium? Jesus.

I think I took my niece or nephew about 10 years ago. They're fantastic. Aquariums? Yeah. Except for the reptile sections. It's like getting shit on your teeth. The stink is... You can cut it like a knife. I'd like to get bit by a snake.

Just to feel it. You've never been bitten by like a gardener or something? Nah. When are you, how, landscaping? You got bit by a snake? I always used to look for snakes on the tracks. Remember that one dude that was popular? Did you ever see that guy on YouTube who would just let insects bite him and shit?

No. You guys remember that? What was his name? The wildlife Steve or something. Steve Irwin? No. He had like a weird fucking cowboy name. Are you going to tell us a story about it?

No, that's it. That's the whole thing. You just, yeah, you get bit. You just have like a scorpion sting him or. Yeah, you get a little hot. Yeah. You got a little fever. I got my glasses on.

They're fogged up too. Clean them off. I can't. You look like a fat comic, dude. Grease got all on them. Fat comics never clean their glasses and and you can see, like, when you get to a part where the light in the background is, like, going sideways, you just see, like, an inch of sweat and fucking baloney grease.

You don't realize how fucking greasy your goddamn face is until you start wearing glasses. True, I do. And it's literally, like, it's like cooking bacon my face grease and oils my wop oils bleed into my eyelashes and they stroke the front of my glasses until it just spreads it just paints it every time I feel like think about trimming your eyelashes no it's all I got, baby. What do you mean? I don't know. Eyelashes are my dick.

It's my two powers. And my eyebrow. Protecting me from the sun. Is it true darker eyes are more resistant to the sun? In terms of shade? That's right. I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't like wearing sunglasses, but I like the look of it. It's too dark. What do you mean it's too dark? That's right. That's correct. That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't like wearing sunglasses,

but I like the look of it. It's too dark. What do you mean it's too dark? It's too dark. You're always turning lights down in the house. That's for mood. I'm talking about protecting the sun. I hate it.

Dude, you went downstairs last night after dinner and you had every fucking basement light on. Yes. That is retarded. No, it's not. That's what they do to get people out of the movie theater, not to settle down and watch the movie. No, because you're keeping people awake. We weren't watching the movie. You fell asleep in 10 minutes.

I know, because you turned the lights down. That's why I did it. I thought you were being a bad boy at dinner. You had to go to bed early. I was great at dinner. I was. I can't believe I stayed up as late as I did the whole time I knew it was a bad

decision and then I switched switched to whiskey that's how I knew you were gonna go yeah yes you know you you fell asleep yeah woke up I was talking to the boys upstairs in the kitchen you woke up like a little five-year-old yeah sleepy beep yes oh you dude you were sleeping on the couch this is before the boys got back Like a little five-year-old. Yeah, sleepy beep. Yes Oh You dude you were sleeping on the couch This is before the boys got back and you were holding a vape in one hand and the remote in the other hand Blacked out asleep, and then you just did this frog But your eyes didn't open up. You just went out

And yeah, the couch was so large. You literally looked like you were three years old and I wanted to pick you up Take you to bed. It was adorable Dude, I wish we had footage of that and then you woke up and I realize you're not a little cute Like footage footage of like old humans Sleeping in trees and stuff and twitching and falling out and dying The first generation of tree sleeping yeah, yeah, they just couldn't get it right think about how many funny videos we missed out just like yeah now all we have is like fat women falling off like chairs shane sent me this video that this fat guy drinking on a like a small boat and the guy was

playing trick the guy whoever's driving the boat was playing tricks on him and he like sped up and turned he goes and he slowly falls into the corner and hits his head and then gets up. And the guy was like, the one lady's like, you're right, Ted. And he goes, yeah, I'm fine. And then just starts launching everything out of the boat. Cause you're so pissed. Yeah, I get it. He threw the chair in the water. So we're like two floats and the woman's like, stop it, Ted, stop it. Cause he was embarrassed because he's too fat to keep his legs on the ground. You probably told him too. It's like, we don't need to bring all these chairs on the boat.

And then one thing goes bad and you're like, you know what? Fuck it. Chairs are going overboard. That is like a stage and that's a natural progression in life. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.com. Okay? We all know what BetterHelp is. You've heard it, right?

Let's get some online therapy. It's not just online. You can talk to people on the phone. You can FaceTime people. You can text people, people that want to help you. We all carry around different stressors, big and small. When we keep them bottled up, it can start to affect us pretty negatively.

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that isn't going to tell everybody. You don't want to be drunk at the bar screaming about something. You want to be in a quiet room. You want to have thought about what's going on with you. You want to, you know, get some good feedback from a professional. Uh, uh, it's, it's, I got a buddy who started doing, uh, cognitive behavioral therapy. He said, it's, it's really helpful. You know, we had that episode with Ian where he was talking about doing the worksheets and like, you know, really working through stuff

and it seems to be helping him quite a bit. He's doing all right. It's helpful for learning positive coping skills and how to set boundaries. It empowers you to be the best version of yourself. It isn't just for those who've experienced major trauma. You don't have to, you know, be thinking about hurting yourself to do this. Even if you've got some little problems you need to work through, you need to get to betterhelp.com and start figuring some of this stuff out. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash stuffisland to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash stuffisland. Betterhelp.com slash stuffisland. 10% off. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. PrizePix is America's number one fantasy sports app with more than 5 million members. It is the most fun and exciting way to get in on the action

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order i think so are you gonna get a custom license plate when you get a car jesus christ can you imagine yeah like i cook damn damn i like that might fucking consider it now. Yeah. If you can get the Texas star in between it too. I mean, personalizing your license plate is the purest sign of douchebag. Yeah. That's a red flag right there.

Like if a girl picked me up in a car on the first date, just said like Barbie doll on her plate. Great sex. Great sex. Great sex, but you lose that number. Yeah, that's terrifying. That's like the female equivalent of having like swords in your bedroom. It's just a woman that collects dolls. Which one of you guys needed to eat the moment you woke up? That's bad.

Jesus Christ. What do you mean? I hate that. Why? Because we're going to lunch. It's an hour difference. It's like you're filling your belly up with a fucking bacon, egg, and cheese. You're supposed to eat when you wake up.

That's the funny thing that you've been doing. You're like, I'm fasting. That's not true. Just an alcoholic who doesn't eat. This is a fast.

This is a fast part of my day. I actually don't have a beer until like 6 p.m. No, I know. But the not eating is from drinking. It's not a... You're not fasting.

No, it's not. I'm hungry. I just choose it's not. I'm hungry. I just choose not to eat. I'm actually never hungry in the morning. We weren't a breakfast family. Yeah. I do get hungry around like... Tell like rock stars stay skinny.

Huh? Tell like rock stars stay skinny. They don't eat. Yeah. They just drink beer. I also had a slice of pizza on my end table last night. And a fucking handful of sour Skittles. Where'd you get those?

Finn came home with a f- He smoked weed and came home with like seven bags of candy. He hit the fucking joint. The boy came home with a f- When did that happen? After I fell asleep? No, that was right before. Oh yeah, I remember.

It was upstairs. We just kept it hidden. Did you bring the leftovers home? Oh yeah. Okay remember. It was upstairs. We just kept it hidden. Did you bring the leftovers home? Oh yeah. Okay. What leftovers? Candy. Couldn't possibly have eaten all that. Should we stay for gas? Oh fuck. Should we add a gas? What, like, what? I don't know. It's still saying 109. We haven't made any progress.

We've been in the car for 20 minutes. I got to get off here, right? I don't know. Just keep driving. We got 31 miles. It's going to get us most of the way there. Did you ever run out of gas in a car? No. I was with somebody that did and it's...

It's still angry. It's so funny. It's the funniest thing. I still have yet to fucking call that guy back. It's the funniest thing. The car just shuts off. It just slowly putters. It just glides. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck? Something's wrong. Then you finally look at the tank. Stay right there. I swear to God, and then it's never their fault. You got to call your dad. Your dad's like, I knew I raced a fucking retard. Yeah, it was my high school car.

Just like, it would just be full. Oh, my God. Yeah, traffic. Oh, my God. Yeah, traffic. Oh, my God. Yeah, we're fucked. We've been seeing some horrific car accidents on the road. Yeah. That is one of those things that when you get out in the world, you realize how many people are dying.

Dying. On a regular basis. Sitting in the herd every day on 95 North. That one guy yesterday, he was begging for an accident. He was looking for it. He just pulled over. Oh, my was begging for an accident. He was looking for it. He just pulled over. Oh, my God. That was crazy.

He pulled over and just sat. On a turn? Yeah. Just pulled up next to the median. Dude, this thing's already at 30. Smoke and gas. We're fine. This goes all the weight in the back.

Seven teenagers filled with bagels. Bagels. My trainer, I was like, bagel cream cheese. I was telling him my favorite breakfast. Bagel cream cheese. That's how you know the pod's going well. The other day I was telling a guy about my favorite breakfast. Well, I was trying to add to the bagel story.

Yeah. And he couldn't understand what I was saying. A bagel? A bagel. That's all I got, man. I'm nervous about the gas. Bagel's insane. And you get mad about comfists. I'm getting off here Andrews Air

Force Base it's gotta be gas around an Air Force Base you think so well this is what we'll do we can just chop up all the really bad parts and then at some point we'll just say it was all the n-words so if you're getting any cuts it's one of the boys not that it's not that the podcast was bad. We were just... Screaming the N word. Racial slurs the whole time. Count the cuts.

Count the N-bombs. I got to piss. Go piss. $107. $107. Oh my gosh. $107. Fucking my god. $107. Fucking DC gas, man.

What's he got, a bag of chips or something? Fucking real. They had already said it. It was like, does anyone want a chip before Tommy hears it? Before Tommy loses his mind. Couldn't be a worse thing than to be rattling behind me. I'm gonna suck on it like a soft pressed mower. That's what I used to do not to get hit by my dad. Tommy, let me see your Tascam real quick.

Perfect. That's how I used to eat the communion. Just let it dissolve? Yeah, I would just stick it to the roof of my mouth. I was thinking, I had a choice. That thing would stick up there anyway. Yeah. And I remember thinking at the time that it's very funny that God stuck to the roof of my mouth. And it was in that moment I knew I'd be a comedian.

Got some God in my teeth. My brother used to call them Jesus. Yeah, yeah. A little snack at church. A Jesus. There you go. All, yeah. A little snack at church. A Jeezit. There you go. All right, we're locked in. Nice.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This drive sucks. We suck. God damn it. I hate traffic. You turning this fucking boat probably won't be any problem, huh? No.

Oh, God. Nice rainy day for a fucking harbor trip. See if you can just U-turn it right here and break the law. It says no left, but can I U-turn? Oh, no. They're coming through that way? It's a big triangle. Yeah, but you could just U-ey it.

I'm not doing that. Why not? Then we gotta go up and around. I don't know how legit my license is, to be honest with you. What are you talking about? I never handed in all the stuff. Yeah, but that's fine. I got my permit picture taken, and then I had to go get my driver's test.

And the licensing center sent me my thing without even knowing I got my driver's test. Yeah, that's all. You just need the document. Who gives a fuck? Now's the perfect time to pull a U-turn. Don't do a U-turn. Do a U-turn. Dude, I'll get fucking smoked.

Look at all these cars. You're not going to get smoked. Dude, I'll get fucking smoked. Look at all these cars. Just... Yeah, here's your... Now's the time. No, you can't. No, you can't. Oh, no, Tom. It's on camera.

Everybody knows you're lying. I'm not lying. They can see the cars. Oh, now we're... Look at this. I cook. Oh now we're...ugh. Look at this. I cook. Not bad. It ain't that bad.

Man, shitty town after shitty town. Are you gonna pull U--turn here, or are you going to do the full loop? No, I'll go looped. It's a little fucking tiny turn. You can do it. It saves me... An hour. It does. 30 seconds.

Well, after all, you guys might be hungry again. Where are we? I don't even... Are we still... I feel like we're close to the house. We no you're kidding oh my god this has got to be part of DC or something are weC.? Or are we in Maryland? I don't know. We're on Pennsylvania Avenue.

We're near the White House. Podcasting in a car needs... Like Kevin and Foley do. They have somebody else drive and they sit in the back and they can just focus on their dumb fucking jokes. Yeah, I thought Kevin drove.

No. They hold those little recorder mics. And they do it from their racer vans. What do you call them? Sprinter. Yeah, so then you can just stare at each other and have an enjoyable conversation

instead of fighting fucking traffic and accidents. I know, but you fighting this is funny. If there was fun things to say. You're a wreck. I have six lives in my hands, Chris. It's not a time for laughter. Damn, these things. It is.

If you got in an accident, that would be incredible. Let me see that fat ass. Oh, no. She's got no butt. She's too... 495 north, right? Yeah. Weren't we on that? Oh, I guess we're... yeah. We gotta get gas.

What a forgettable day. Look at the... there's nothing. The clouds are just... What's that? What is it? Tom Brady throwing the ball back into the machine. Oh, it's fake. Yeah. Was that Sprite that did that campaign? With, like, LeBron shooting that ball and stuff?

Yeah, all the fake, uh, somebody throwing a ball over the stadium and shit. Alright, now he's sitting in this filth for fucking 20 minutes. See? Alright, let's fire up a chat, Chris. Jesus. This is not live stream. There it is. We're live streaming it. I'm looking at the comments. That would end my career. I'd kill myself. You think?

If we live stream this? And read comments? Yeah. Yeah. No, I'd have a hard time with it. There's too many cunts out there that would purposely rile you up and I can't get that out of my head.

That's another Genesis? Is that a Honda Genesis? A Hyundai Genesis? It doesn't look anything like the one... You're not going to let me in, you fuck. Yeah, dude. Fucking... Got it.

Now keep that in. You didn't say it. Oh, boy. You didn't say it. Oh, boy. I was going to make fun of a Greek. Look at the font on this speed limit what the fuck is that yeah that is fucking wild i was gonna make funny but it did trick my eyes yeah what i thought that's supposed to be

universal it's like old computer font each state has their own flair on font no that's the only sign you'll ever see like that i don't know that five on that Route 50 is kind of wonky. Yeah, that's wonky too. But I feel like I've seen that one before. That's like the classic Route 66 fun. The next leg is going to be awesome. I don't know.

Yeah, what this podcast needs is a belly full of crap. That's what's going to get the engine to turn over between all our toots this truck's gonna smell like low tide dude on a bay i'm not like excited for this i just want to do this for look at dish it's like it's our first bourdain style live look at dish which is fun but no it's fucking deli that one time yeah but then we actually made the charcuterie true we're this we're just gonna eat crab cakes yeah next to big black ladies getting seasoning underneath her fake nails. Isn't that what, like, that's kind of what I think of. I know this is.

I was scratching my asshole in my sleep last night. Oh, my God. I had to wash my hands like three times this morning. Oh, my God. Wait, so you woke up, smelled your fingers? Yeah. Oh, my God, you're disgusting. I kind of like the smell. Smells like a fart.

Smells like your own fart. Seriously, my glands are watering, and not in a good way. I'm about to throw up. What do you mean? I'm not salivating because I want to eat your ass. I'm going to throw up. What do you mean? I'm not salivating because I want to eat your ass. I'm going to throw up. Look, license plate. I love...

iOS. iOS? Yeah, they like the software that Apple's making. No. This Asian cannot be serious. Yeah, yeah. I love iOS. But they don't say what number.

They just like the... No, it's got to be like Irene Sampson. That can't be Irene Oliver Sampson. It's some piglet that died in high school. What a stupid... No one can decipher that. Dude, anytime I see like... Right?

That's I love iOS. That's not anything. What is it? Yeah. Illinois, Ohio State. Shane's lying in that trailer for Netflix is a joke for tires. He's like, let's get some lobsters and steak oh yes some scraps lobster and scrims when I see black

women at a steakhouse looting the place of fish and then robbing the fucking the dude she's with because he's just paying for pussy so she's like i want the last of mac to go she's getting the cold shrimp towel dessert it's always her birthday it's always her birthday and all i can think of is like the seafood stink after she's rummaging this raw fish and crab just underneath her nails while she's jerkingaging this raw fish and crab just underneath her nails while she's jerking and sucking him off. Did you have, like, a traumatic experience where you're, like, making out with a shrimp lady?

No, I really didn't, but I sexualized... Have you ever smelled someone's meal on them while you were fucking them? No, no. But I did smell someone's breath while fucking them, and that ruined my heart. Oh, yeah. But it was, like, food breath. It was, like, food and not good.

Yeah, then you like, you cover their mouth like it's a sex thing. I used to hook up with this girl. I used to hook up with this girl that was so fucking hot. God, she was so hot. And then she would just get bad breath

by the end of the day. And I couldn't. Like coffee breath? No. No, like. Death. Like, it wasn't halitosis, but it was something. I couldn't like coffee breath? no no like death like it wasn't halitosis

but it was something just a touch of something was enough for me to go I can't I don't look the same I can't have sex with you but this woman

give her a tic tac this woman unwrapped was flawless damn big nose Long Island Jew that had a fucking huge set of heaters and a tight little bar.

Anyway, I sexualize every relationship when I see them in public, whether they're at a restaurant or walking on the street. It doesn't matter the age. I think of them fucking. I think I'm doing weird shit. When it comes to dating in public, especially that steakhouse lobster situation, I know it's all about fucking he's paying for that pussy yeah so then I go right to the bedroom and I think

what are they doing how is she gonna handle herself depending on her weight I determined how how lazy she is in the bed in the bedroom yeah you know if she's like like moaning to get on all fours, is she like using like an end table to get her meat around? Stand up. I also think of them as like the sloppiest of head givers. Oh, yeah. And I would make her wash her hands for sure. Yeah, she's going to throw that shrimp up all over your dick.

Yeah, oh my God. Just Old Bay running down your balls. You ever watch a porn and a girl's like deep throating somebody and then they puke? Puke a little bit? Yeah, you're like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, you can always tell cause the spit has like a little Gatorade flavoring. Coloring. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh god.

Just add a little cantaloupe in there. That's how you know it's coming from the pits. Do you think, though, it's like... Fuck. When they're, like, the days before porn, they gotta treat it like surgery, right? Like they don't eat... Like a colonoscopy.

Yeah, yeah. Apparently, I was talking to a gay buddy. Jesus. That's not dangerous. Chip boy. You're talking to a gay buddy. Jesus. That's not dangerous. Chip boy. You're talking to a buddy? I was talking to a gay buddy, and I was like, don't you have to, like, because I have a mutual friend, a girl that would do that.

She would just take, like, that diuretic shit out and not eat for a few days and then just get tanked in the ass. And I asked the gay guy, I was like, don't you ever get tired of cleaning and flushing your system? And he's like, oh no, it doesn't work like that. He's like, you just be careful what you eat. I was like, you don't clear the tank every time you have sex? And he's like, no. Doesn't like come out, you fucking idiot.

And I was like, you don't pull shit out of your ass if it's full. He said, well obviously it's not full, full moron like he was like dogging me dude like sorry i don't know he's got to get poop on his dick all the time that's what i said you're saying he doesn't i mean what is he eating the first time the first time i did it with a girl i pulled out a little lava rock sample. Yeah. And then I never went back. Yeah, it's the grass stains.

It's grass stains for your mind. You're playing football at recess, you're going to get some grass stains. Yeah, I got a grass stain on my head about that anal. What? I'm saying it's a grass thing. It never goes away. It's on your mind. Poop? See the poop on your head? Yeah.

It's a forever memory. I walk right through that. All my memories are either trauma or extreme happiness. That's the only way they stay there. Because my wet brain just goes,

get out of here. I ain't got room for that. I think I'm gonna start taking alpha brain Jesus Christ just because we work in the comedy mother shit I'm gonna start doing

jujitsu and taking alpha brain you are such a fucking cornball I'm gonna get into it if you get into jujitsu we will stop this podcast why?

because I cannot talk to you about jujitsu I won't talk about it. I'm just going to do it. And you with fucking cauliflower ear will be the most disgusting fucking thing. No, I'm going to wear the wrestling, like, headset. In public? Yeah.

Dude, that was a really good idea you said on the last podcast. Oh, the, yeah, the headphones? Headphones that are shaped. Like cauliflower ear? Like cauliflower cauliflower to fend off... Yeah, if you're living in a bad neighborhood, you gotta walk home. White guy cauliflower covers. iOS did it. Apple should come up with something like that. That's a fucking brilliant idea.

Just for the like... Someone's gotta be working. Just for the Christmas present, you know what I mean yeah if you put that in front of the four sharks sharks yeah I have an idea

for your pussy kid I know we said it on the last pod but that's like a novelty item that people would buy just as a a one off

you know yeah like those goofy stocking stuffers yeah get like a hoodie with like fake muscles in it

yeah it's like that it's like that. It's like a fucking, it's a big t-shirt with a skinny body on a fat man. Dude, I want to hate that t-shirt, but I do love it. Every time I see it, I'm happy. It's a boardwalk favorite. It's on top three boardwalk tees. It's a skinny bikini body on a just walrus. Big old freckles. Walrus.

And it kills every time she goes to the party. Debbie's wearing it again. She's wearing it again. Are you going to bring that t-shirt next weekend in Sea Isle? Yeah, I'll probably bring it. Yeah, Lois, I'll get it. Charlie doesn't like when I wear it all the time to Red Lobster, but I'll bring it down there for you girls.

I'm a good driver, huh? Not like fucking Mike. Yeah. Mike took us to a goddamn water park. Yeah. Felt like I was on a ride. Yeah, Mike drives like a drunk Texas woman. Well, he was fucking drunk.

He's been drunk the whole trip. Texas women drive like fucking retards because they're supposed to be, yeah, like they're around car guys. Everyone in Texas is a car guy, so they think they need to drive cool, but they don't know how to do it. Yeah. So they're just all over the place. Yeah.

Well, I think their gunt gets in the way of the lower tier of the steering wheel. Their gunt? Yeah. Because they drive like they're in pickup trucks. Dude. And they're not. Yeah. Southern wives are a disaster.

I fucking hate violently white women. Dude, they're like, they're the most hospitable wonderful Yes, there's always a spread well. They look they're there actually don't match the evil look there They get they get drunk like teenagers. Yeah, they got nothing to do all day It's funny coming from us Yeah, dude Mike's been lit this whole fucking he drove us home home from the bar. And he's like, I'm actually going to get out of here and meet... Let's talk about the fucking drive home last night. We're all hungover and tired.

And now newly drunk. Filled with birthday treat. Because we got like six desserts for the first time. I was acting like a black woman at the fucking Red Lobster. Dude. It's his birthday! I'm going to get the cinnamon in the mud pie. The chocolate chip cookie sundae

that Artie got was fucking unbelievable. Dude, the apple pie was fucking legit. The apple pie was good. So we all get in this giant fucking boat and then we find out Noah and his buddy took an Uber in from DC. So one by one, everybody starts feeling bad so Finn has the biggest heart he's like I'm actually gonna stay back and well meet you guys

didn't tell us that was nobody told so we weren't being fucking mean-spirited here nobody told us you stare at the tear we got we got one more fucking stop sign and that deck felt the people they felt the heat and he's like I'm actually gonna get out then we lose another one we get to the next stop sign drunk Mike is like you know what and they come down in like fucking drunk 13 year olds woke you up sleepy beep yeah dude i beeped on that cow that couch was unbelievable i was on the porch my eyes crossed smoking my third glass of mezcal talking on speakerphone pissing off the neighbors like i was a

rambunctious puerto rican just screaming nonsense through my iphone what were you who were you talking to my lady who were you talking to? My lady. What were you talking about? I was giving updates on the whole day. Oh, really? Yeah. Piece by piece.

She hated it. Because I called her today and told her what my plans were. Like, my anxiety just comes right out. I don't, there's no ease of, how are you? What's going on? I just, bam, bam, bam. Well, we're trying to get the cameras in the car right now the audio has got to be a problem oh dude

it's just like well I don't care you did this yesterday it's my biggest like relationship problem I like she's constantly like check in I want to know like what you're up to it's like I'm up to not doing anything she's like you didn't you go to the capital you're like yeah yeah it is wild yeah like that's the whole thing like looking back at cameras thank god we have our producers that like put together stuff because the shit we do we're constantly doing something and it's kind of fucking great. Yeah. Right? And then someone will be like, what have you been up to? Nothing. I've just never once.

I don't want to tell you. Maybe I can just send you these pictures. Yeah, yeah. Here, look at my pictures. Yeah, unless something traumatic happens, nothing happened today. I've never once been like, oh, we went here and then we went there and it was so great yeah yeah wait do you try the crab cakes at Baltimore Harbor yeah they're like what you went to the aquarium what was that like this fish

even if I do enjoy myself it's an aquarium the shark is back we had the monkey for quite some time it's just fish and you know the aquarium thing that's actually a great podcast name the monkey and the shark right the monkey and the shark yeah sounds like a king in the sting Where are we at time-wise, guys? We're at an hour. No way. Yeah. Not with all the shit we gotta cut.

We gotta cut the fucking half of the beginning. What are you talking about? I don't know. This is a car podcast. I wish we were driving by anything instead of just... Yeah. In the woods. Right.

This is the hardest fucking thing. Where are we? And I'm just constantly breaking. I gotta stare at this guy's ass the whole time. You're fucking gone. Have we even...

Oh, yeah. That bridge is in Baltimore. What? You think it's because that bridge is bombed out? That's why there's just traffic all the time? Oh, right.

Yeah. Who knows? is bombed out that's why this is traffic all the time oh right yeah who knows is the bridge still i can't believe how much woods there is i say it every time i'll say it again every time i look through woods like this i just think of soldiers confederate soldiers walking through with all their fucking, all their shit. Ugh. Speaking of stinky assholes and fingers, just a whole, whole bunch of them stinking up the woods. Yeah. Just rotting.

Just fucking, just the flesh on your feet. Dude, that one famous photo of all the bloated, rotting corpses in the middle of fucking Gettysburg. Oh, yeah. Just all blown middle of fucking Gettysburg. Oh, yeah. Just all blown out like fucking whales on a beach. That's got to be the worst. Clean up? Yeah, wake up. I think they just left them.

No, no, they went, they cleaned them up. They, like, dragged all the bodies off. Oh, God, the gas is expanding from their fucking crab cake bellies. Just waking up hungover and be like, oh, fuck. We got to go get rich. We got to go to the battlefield and fucking. Drag our buds to all my friends. Yeah. All my friends in a hole.

Jesus Christ. Kids these days are complaining. You know? You didn't have it half as bad as a guy who lived way before me. True. It's usually always better, but it's going to be worse next. Do you believe in those masks? What?

Do you believe in the cloning conspiracy? We have a whole cloning facility. We're cloning humans and we have these masks for aliens. What are you talking about? There's a whole conspiracy that the government and people have seen. Apparently Bernie Mac used to talk about it to another comedian and then they fucking offed him. Yeah, but it's like, dude, black people. I mean.

Let's go. You see what I did? You don't think I do this shit on purpose little popcorn trail cuz it's like you think white people are nuts with the conspiracy stuff and then you you scratch the surface of black dudes mind yeah they like genuinely think there's a leprechaun in the tree. There's lizards people. I do too. You think there's actual lizard people? I mean, Sicilians

on part black, but it's not that hard to believe in that. What do you mean? Why? I think it's pretty hard. That there's a higher power of aliens controlling everything. I don't know. I think you go there and it's just fucking people. We were just in there.

It's just a guy. That's, the capital's taxes and shit. They don't fucking, gay laws. Yeah. Like giving the Jews more money to kill people. Sorry, no. That was kind of firing me up. Which part?

I don't know. It's fucking... It's always so hard to build anything, to get anything done, and then it's like the moment... The moment a bomb needs to get dropped overseas, they're like, here's fucking $200 billion. Yeah. Yeah, we don't have money for...

That's bigger than the federal education budget yeah can't possibly have health care what's going on we're still sending money to ukraine pretending that's a real war yeah why not it's like build schools i I just want bill a build a better highway You need to get to Linsky back into acting get them like on a perfect strangers reboot He'll be bow keep all talk of us. It's him and Putin Rick strangers There we go is a bit Do we have to get off there doesn't say so

25 miles and then we get on Russell Street. This is just avoiding all that fucking nonsense apparently. Look at that. You don't like maps now. I mean, you like maps now. Don't you, Chrissy? I do. If we were on time and didn't need gas, we might be in that muck.

Or have skirted through it. Or if these fatties didn't get bagels is anyone hungry you're gonna eat again finn i'll let it grow dude i got a shit jesus christ you ever you ever like uh take a shit and your hangover goes away? Yeah. I think most of the hangover is in the poop. Yeah, I have.

And I should have shit before we left. Because I'm starting to get really hungover. And I think it's because of the poo. It's also the traffic. We're all just children

in fucking car seats. That was my only fear as a kid, is traffic. I know, it made me tell me that. It's so strange. Yeah, I would melt down. Do you think your wiring was off just like in the womb? Or do you think you gradually got fucked up? I don't know, that's the thing.

I got hit in the head a lot. Yeah, but you seem to be a really fucked up kid when, like, your poor parents. Yeah, yeah. Like, if you would just melt down in fear of traffic, you're a fucked up kid. Yeah. I would have to go to sleep. I think that's why I'm good at, like, sleeping on planes and in cars and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. Because traffic made me so terrified. I wish I did that. It's like a weird version of claustrophobia. Are you claustrophobic too? No. Although one time we went to the Liberty Science Center. Did you guys ever go to like and do like the, you'd like crawl through a tunnel in total darkness?

Mm-hmm. At like a science thing? Yeah. Not total. I mean. Yeah, it was totally dark. crawl through a tunnel in total darkness at like a science thing yeah kind of total i mean yeah it was dark and you're just in like a line on your hands and knees crawling through this thing that's that that freaked me out there's a pedo at the end setting them all up gobbling them up like pac-man sucking their birds open yeah you guys feel that thing in your ass on that second turn? Yeah.

Coming in the refuel, I got something caught in my ass. Is it Doom of the Glory Hole? Chris, how many seconds do you stay behind someone in traffic? Three. Correct. How many seconds do you stay behind someone when it's rainy or snowy? Five. Seven. Seven? Five? Seven.

Seven? Five to seven. That's crazy. I can't believe I had to take my fucking permit test. It's the only thing I've found gay in Texas so far is getting the goddamn license. Yeah. I disappoint my dad every time I talk to him and say how much I love Austin. He's got visceral hate for Texas. Yeah they probably miss you too because you're far away.

It's a nice spin on it but no they've never once visited me in New York City with just an hour 15 minute train. Yeah, but what do they, they couldn't visit you at that house. Yeah, but they would get a hotel. We'd bop around town. I'd show my mom. Dude, parents do not do hotels. I mean, when they have to. They're like used to like when flying was like a, you'd like get dressed up

to fly. True. You know what I mean? They have that thing where they're like a hotel. Yeah. Steve, where are my pearls? Fucking King Charles. up to fly true you know what i mean they have that thing where they're like a hotel yeah steve where are my pearls fucking king charles such a waste of money yeah my dad would be pitching the whole time yeah everything's a waste how much was this this yeah it's a coffee machine it's a piece of shit yeah and the hotels would not be what they're used to they'd have 700 questions at the front desk firing younger kids up. That was the worst.

I forgot. When we were in Florida just for that one day, I forgot how many geezers are in Florida. Yeah. I was literally at the counter trying to check into the hotel. There's nobody. Florida is the Civil War battlefield. We just have to drag them off, put them in a hole. Dude, the lady was on the phone.

I could just hear an old person on the other line. She was like, hello? Yep, yep, we're right near the airport. Yeah, just my mom asking. No, no, no, there's There's parking, there's parking here There's a parking garage Jesus Oh, well in that case, yeah, you can valet it

There is a valet, they'll take it for you That's why you gotta You gotta love inner city black women that fucking work there I gotta go They just hang up on you Next! Oh, dude But when you're on the other end of the line

They drive you crazy and they're trying to be dismissive and you have a real question yeah yeah i'm trying to order three rooms here's my card yeah man what a sleepy day yeah the nightmare day this would have been a nice day to stay in. Yeah. We should have let that, the greatest Airbnb of all time ride one more night. Yeah.

That was the most beautiful home I've ever slept in. Yeah? Not in terms of like, just comfort, the comfort and style, size, quality. They didn't skip a corner they didn't skip a corner no every single thing was flush and perfect they even put a toilet in the corner they put a corner toilet and they triangulated the top tank yeah that's a custom build that is you could probably buy that at low's. That's the custom license plate for ass.

I'm surprised I haven't seen more corner toilets. There's a lot of apartments I... Should have had a corner toilet. Yeah, yeah. Your apartment, the whole thing was a corner toilet. In Philly? Yeah. That's true.

You stayed at that one with Chaney. There was only like 10 square feet you could like fully stand up in. I was in the fucking attic. Oh, the other one. The one I lived with Shane. That place is disgusting. Yeah, that place is, uh... You guys had a full-size industrial trash can filled to the brim and overflowing with both trash and recycling.

It was just wings and McDonald's nuggets boxes. Oh my God. The rats were eating the kings. Bean, bean hands. Yeah, we had mice. I like a mouse. When you started the mouse we had in our house. So cute.

Yeah. When they're babies, they are so cute. They're dumb as shit, so you could easily kill them. Yeah when they're babies they're so cute they don't they're dumb as shit so you could easily kill them yeah they're only like dude tell the story tell the story you're telling about that fucking spear oh my god yeah so my buddy i don't know if i told you guys the story but my buddy my buddy was uh I had a friend in high school whose dad was just like like he was a British guy and would just like travel the world and like didn't have a clear job and uh my buddy was like he's like certain that his dad was in like MI6 or

something and I was like wait why and he was like dude one, why? And he was like, dude, one time I was at Thanksgiving. His parents were out of town. His parents had gotten divorced and they left town. And so he was just in town by himself and he went to my buddy with the English dad's fucking Thanksgiving. And they were sitting there just eating Thanksgiving dinner and they spotted a deer in the front yard like 30 yards from the house.

And the dad grabbed a javelin, walked outside, threw the javelin at the deer, killed the deer, and then just came back inside and continued eating Thanksgiving dinner. Didn't even address it. Yeah, yeah. This is insane. This is the coolest story of all time. Yeah. Is it a white family? Yeah. Is it a white guy? Yeah. Black people aren't throwing chanels. Black guys don't get up from from things. I'm gonna finish this first, now kill the deer. That deer can wait. This plate of mashed potatoes cannot wait. Do you know how hard you have to throw a javelin?

That's insane. I don't, but I assume it's hard. What was this guy pelt like? You know, like a hot British dude. Yeah. That like, muscly old British man. Yeah. Like a Sean Connery.

Yes. Yeah. he was like that guy is connery dead he's probably bushed oh 100 he's probably just a brain bush you see clint acewood standing in his support sneaks like a skeleton on a fucking lawn in October? Support sneaks? Yeah, he's got like triple soles. Like Forrest Gump? No, no, no.

Not like corrective ones. They're just like extra support. But he's frail. He's like 97. Oh my God. Good on him. That guy lived a fucking life. Yeah.

Would have been sick to be Clint Eastwood. Oh, my God. Just doing nothing but cool shit. He was a handsome devil. Grazing in pussy in his youth. I always wonder, like, when I think of those guys, I wonder how many STDs they have

yeah the ones that lived in 97 never caught up to their brain yeah and they probably didn't even have tests for any of the shit

they were getting in the 70s didn't syphilis kill like almost everybody for like a decade I think so I think that happened to like Tycho Brahe

who the fuck is that Formula One racer? No, he was like an old guy that like, I don't know, he did something. He like discovered Neptune or something. And some weird thing happened where he got like, his nose got infected. He had to cut off his nose. He wore like a fake nose. Oh, no.

This was back in like the 1600s what like gangrene or some shit yeah I think he got like kicked by a horse once just stuff happened

to you back then that would just suck another accident this is the most boring fucking drive. Yeah, there's literally nothing. Still in the woods. Oh, we can dismount. Not even half of one.

All the boys are sleeping. Yeah, I think we've got a full hour. I'm going to bring the juice on this next one. Can I bath in the next time we can? Oh, do you still have to piss? I guess. I guess. Yeah.

It says 33. What are you thinking? Can your eyeballs float? 33 minutes? Yeah. To the Baltimore Aquarium? Yeah. What do you say, Art?

Can you do it? Why don't you put some salty chips in your face, and that'll soak up some of the piss in your belly? I think it's already in the bladder is the problem. Yeah. Bladder's in the belly. If you see it, I'll do it, but if you see like a quick one... Yeah, all right. If I come across a sign that says piss here...

It is kind of weird that you pee. You know? That it separates the liquids. Why don't you just all just poop it all out? Just gotta get rid of the toxins and keep the good stuff. Yeah, but you'd do that anyway with food. Why not just make it all poop? You know?

I guess because you just beat diarrhea every time. So? I, I, it's, nature. Or you just piss. Probably like, I don't want to clean this all up. No, you just piss out your ass. You know what I mean? Like, you piss out your ass and then you'd have like a solid shit.

And then you piss out your ass. It's weird that there's like trash and recycling in your body okay i don't know being's weird things one of my favorite things does feel really good some the only consistent thing i have in my life i know oh if i wake up I'm gonna have a few nice peas. Yeah, releasing the pressure. I'm gonna drink way too much water and have a fire-off sensation coming out of my pecker. Women are jealous of our peckers. Yeah, because they can't have fun with that. They have a weird... my girl had to take a piss in the woods. We went on a trail run. That's a nightmare.

It's just as easy as we have it, but no. It sprays. Especially if they've got big lips. Yeah. It's just... It's like putting a fucking skin flap over a pecker hole. It's just like that sprinkler system that goes... Yeah, yeah.

It's Dodge Charger's fucking upper audio. Alright, are we done? Yeah, we're done. Give him the finger. I'll see you on the other side.