Stuff Island - Garage Time - Josh Francis - Stuff Island #227

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

The boys are joined for one final zoom call before reuniting! Josh Francis is on this weeks episode. Josh has a podcast called Friendly Fire Podcast and has medieval comedy show called Off With Their Heads. Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians SUB TO THE PATREON: PATREON.COM/STUFFISLAND Chubbies is here to keep you comfy and looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code STUFFISLAND at https//:www.chubbiesshorts.com/STUFFISLAND #chubbiespod Get 10% off your first month of BlueChew Gold with code STUFFISLAND. That’s promo code STUFFISLAND. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information Go to http://nicnac.com/STUFFISLAND and use code STUFFISLAND for 20% off, or use the store locator to find Nic Nacs near you. Get lip bricked up. • Warning: This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical For a limited time Hollow Socks is having a Buy 2, Get 2 Free Sale. Head to https://www.Hollowsocks.com today to check it out. #HollowSockspod Follow Chris on IG:   / achrisoconnor   Follow Tommy on IG:   / tommyjpope  #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're a gamer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, in terms of fucking animalistic behavior? Because we're going to start right there, you're a gamer. We got to cut everything we said before about our friend. Yeah. Just come in at Tommy's a gamer. Yeah.

Gamer meaning, yeah, I can turn it up. If I sleep two hours, that's enough. I mean, I've done stuff on, you know, a Coke bender. the next morning. That's wild. It's, it is wild. I'm a day drinking,

I'm a day drinking gamer, but I'm, yeah, you go night night. I'm not really a gamer. Yeah. Yeah. If you get me on like,

I feel like you guys have the bender gear that I don't have. It's not good though. I was just telling Josh. Of course, it's not good. We're trying to put a positive spin on here.

Stop complimenting me, Chris. I'm going to tell you. Some of it's negative. Let me tell you the downside of being active the next day on a co-fender. You get you pay a price on the back there? Yeah. I'm actually 27. I'm going to 10 to 10 years.

I'm actually 27. But point that I live three lives. No. I can't sleep. I haven't been drinking at home. I'm not, I'm just drinking celtzes. Dude.

No, I mean, like, I'm not drinking out. I know. The caveat, though, is just so beautiful. I haven't been drinking at home. home. Last two words doing some heavy lifting here. I'm talking like I got a nine to five.

Like I'm a lawyer. Like, oh, that's interesting. Like, I can't just go to any pub at any hour. I know. It's the worst part when you're like, I just got to shut it down. I got to clean it up and you just stare at the ceiling. Brother, I was up until four. I was sleepy beep at like 10 p.m.

And I was like, oh, this is nice. Clock struck 12, dude. Pumpkin later. I was the opposite. I was firing on all cylinders. No, yeah. I should have text you guys to

actual game. We should have fucking rolled the tanks. He goes to bed at like nine after having some Camelelty.

Now, not when he's letting loose, dude. This guy. I want to tell us. You know what? He does go to sleeper. No,

dude. He's got to accuse me. He's got to accuse me. Everyone else that's gaming's on the East Coast. He's got an hour on all of us

and he's the first one. Yeah. He just so full of cheese. He just goes, I'm going to sleep. It hits them. What do you mean?

What do you mean the bag of carrots he's chewing on? Carrots? Dude. Not to always talk about hell let loose when I'm on the pod, but I have the funniest Chris story. We're in a party the other day. Oh, I've heard this is so funny. And we're playing with Chris and his cousin and his cousin's like close friend. Party, you got to say online playing games.

Oh, yeah. Does everybody know that? Oh, yeah. We're online playing video games. Or does it pop up? doesn't understand what he's saying. It's platoon. We're in a private platoon.

Listen, we're in, yeah, we're in a squad. And, um, good correction. This,

this, uh, Chris's cousin's close friend is, uh, talking about how his daughter's, like physical rehab is going after like a horrific accident. And there's this enemy on the other team and his name is poop. And so this guy's like explaining.

He's like, yeah, you know, she's, she's finally able to walk. She's still in the neck brace. We're, hoping that by the end of the year, you know, by the end of the year she might be in a cane.

We're taking her to Disneyland. Hopefully that'll, you know, raise her spirits. Her friend is recovering well. And in the middle of him explaining this, Chris just goes, ah, God damn it. Poop killed me again. No, no. Poop killed me again.

We got poop is hitting us from the back again. He's got to be pointing his daughter's rehab. He was finally getting off his chest. He's like, I got no one else to tell this to, except my bullies online. Yeah, like you said, he doesn't have to look at him. anybody in the eyes to explain the trauma that he's going through and he's finally venting about it and then Chris ruins

it by coat. We're taking contact from poop! It's like online therapy. He's better help. He's even better help. He's better help. He got it. I bet he doesn't.

He doesn't. I don't even have to hear any more words you're on. He's not that. I'm on his side. He's not that far off. What happened was my cousin started asking like his buddy about how his daughter's doing and his daughter is like

on the mend like she's she's actually doing really well and then they start asking about but we don't know what happened like we have no idea they just get into her she's doing great she's doing great I checked in on her after that we don't know whether it's we don't know

whether she's three years old or 20 years old or whether it was like some accident or whether she's got some type of genetic thing or whatever. So Josh, Josh, we're all moving down the street. Poops on our team. We're all moving down. This is the only detail I had no idea.

I thought poop was an enemy. No, we're moving down the street. We're all moving down the street. Straight now with a serious face. Poop. First of all, poop was on our team while this kid was dying. and a fiery wreck. Josh,

Josh has the good sense to be like, if you don't mind me asking, what happened, right? So the guy tells us like, basically what happened. There was like a car accident. And then he starts in on this really like,

like kind of like beautiful story that his daughter's friend, who was also injured, like they were going to go visit her. and the parents were like... Wait, she got injured going to visit her injured friend? No, no, no, no. They were both in the same, like, car accident.

Oh, okay. So, so the, but the parents message my cousin's friend, and they go, you're good to come visit. Here's our new address, and it was home, which was like this beautiful, you know, instead of the hospital. It was like, come visit at home. Oh, okay. Like she had made

tremendous progress And is now home Right after he says that I see Poops taking flack dude And he's fired back Yeah

I mean I mean I'm taking flogs We need to We need to back up now Poops Poops Foobs

Foofs Foofs in a firefighting across the street Oh my God Dude You know I'm sure That guy was like You know what I didn't want to bring this up

but my daughter hasn't had a solid poop in three months. So if you could just change your name, she's been shit in a bag. I mean, dude, it was unreal. It was like, you could feel him like finally getting this weight off of his chest.

And this beautiful moment of like, here's the new address. It's our house. So it's like this supposed to be this soap opera moment. Chris's like, God damn it, pooped me's back. Watch out.

Shut up. He was touching hell over there. He took the back. Poop was taking fire. And then, dude, I just started. Oh, my God. You know, he took his heads off. He was like, I can't say anything.

Dude, that's what we thought. So here's the other part of it. He was, he was the officer. Gunshot? No, he was the officer. So he had switched into like command chat or something. And so for the next 20 minutes, we're all having conversation.

And the guy hasn't said a word. and we're both like yeah Jesus Christ like I don't I like I don't know if he put the controller down or whatever

yeah and 20 minutes later he chimes in he's like have I been but in the wrong chat this whole day have you guys heard a single word I said

I can say so so after that moment that guy had spent 20 minutes thinking we were just ignoring him he had been talking to us and trying to participate in the conversation

station and we've just been blowing past him. That's hilarious. It's also kind of brilliant. If you really want to get something off your chest, you just buy like an Xbox and just join these open chat rooms. A thousand percent. But my wife just cheated on me. People like,

are you going to support us here? Give me a support fire. Poop. Boop's dead. Poop's dead. Poop's dead. Poop needs medical assistance. How'd you pick up a guy named poop? Did he know him?

No, he wasn't even in our squad. He was, Oh, part of the team team. He was just a blueberry, yeah. Yeah. But he decided to just flank the same. He was flanking with us. Poop was in the fight, dude.

Dude, when the blueberries come close to you enough, can he talk to him? Can you reach out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it within like a certain distance? Yeah. It's like, what do they call it, approximate? Yeah, proximity chat. He was.

Proximity chat. He was too far for proximity chat. He just saw the muzzle flyer. You just saw I just heard the rifle cracks Ironically you do look like you're like a court disposition We're like What happened on this day?

Tell us about March 14th Did you ever have to write a report About like what happened in the battlefield No you were never seen No I never would know I never went to combat You know that was like a fun way That they would punish people though Like if you fell asleep

when you weren't supposed to, you'd have to write people's like... I would tell you that story, letters to their moms and stuff. The Drexel frat that got raided and kicked off campus. I used to fuck with these frat guys because there was no parties to go to

on Drexel's campus when I went. You had to be like part of a frat or in the group of frats. You're the only house parties you go to outside of going downtown and get fucked up at like Finnegan's Wake or whatever. Or you'd be on the floor

if you're on a team. Yeah. So this frat, used to get, uh... He's exhaling as he says it. Used to get... Or if you're part of an elite group of athletes. I mean...

Chris was all American. Yeah, he's all American. I wasn't even close. Academic. I want to get close to an academic. All these people just let the lacrosse teams in their house, household? No, we threw our own parties

and we used to fight the frats. Yeah, right, exactly. For no reason. For no reason. For no reason. Yeah. We would just run around fucking dudes up. Yeah.

I wasn't even on the team. You're just boys. Yeah, it's boys. I lived with them. We would throw, we would throw like expired nitrous tanks through their windows and stuff. As you do.

It was huge waste of money, by the way. You can return those things. You get them refilled. If you know the right dentist. Yeah. If you know the right dentist. That is like a,

that is like a white guy. That is like a hate crime to a frack guy. It's like, you know, throw like rock through a window. It's like you throw a empty nitrous Because he did it in the 40s and 50s Hold on, I got pig

What? It's early. It's 13 minutes. He's got to pee. Good gravy. Dude, that was such a wild. Poop. A fall of poop to hell out of back.

Poop is good. I feel like that's not the first time I've played with poop. Funny sentence. That's not the first time I've thrown some poop around. Anyway, this frat house gets kicked off campus because we threw like a, we used to throw illegal parties.

Molotov cocktails. Yeah. All the shit you shouldn't be doing. There's like a, this is back before I ever tried cocaine. I didn't, it was big on, we were big on ecstasy in 2000, 2002, 2002, 2003. And a bunch of my friends would just disappear into this one room. and I'm like, what the fuck are they doing in there? It's always locked. I think it's just with girls.

They come out. It took me a long time to realize, oh, they're doing fucking Coke. I never saw coke until I was like 25, 26. And cops raid this place. They go in every room. They get all this collection of evidence. And one thing they found was all these

VHS tapes. This kid's fucking... So, this kid, yeah. So I found my way into one bedroom with this girl and she's doing the business on me and he just bust in the door

like this just starts videotaping and I go oh oh we just like stop immediately and uh a couple months down the road I get called in by this ex cop who's now a private security for Drexel University or like a whatever the fuck oh yeah yeah and I get called to an office

and he sits me down and he's like Drexel had ice before ice yeah yeah Yeah, yeah. So he's like, he's an ex-cop. That's just a now detective looking into Sammy, this S-A-M or something, some fucking Jew fraternity. Oh, A-E-Pie.

Yeah. I know that because my friend and I accidentally rearranged the letters in front of their frat to say penis. That's a great prank, dude. And we didn't know it was a Jewish frat, and we woke up the next morning being like, that's not a hate crime, right? Like, they could think that.

We didn't know. You just circumcised their sign. We identified a P and E and N and I and S. That's so funny. Like moths to a flame. Bullies to a locker room. We arranged the letters. Accidental anti-subite is so funny.

Yeah. Just to spell a penis. And it's like, I sit down this. This cops like, you got to. He's asked me about all the inner workings of this frat. I'm like, I don't know.

Yeah, everybody has parties or doing parties. He's got a girlfriend, Tom? And I'm like, what? He's got a girlfriend. I'm like, yeah. He's like, yeah, good relationship. I think so. Yeah, it's going well.

How long have you been with her? I'm like, ah, two years. Really? What if I told you that I have evidence that you cheated on your girlfriend? but I'd be like okay so tell me about the frat

again this guy is acting like is that a crime might be charged with a crime dude it's like he forgot he was just talking to a fucking college kid like he's using this against me

in the court of law like I'm gonna fucking I'm gonna say anything it's like what are you gonna call my girlfriend dude you fucking pig just let these kids have some fun I'm 20 years old

dude John dude it's also like a crime In the of itself, dude. He's like blackmailing you with your own porn. Yes. That's like a federal offense now. Well, wasn't my porn. I got some dude walked in on me.

Yeah. But still, that's like, that's like a crime now. It's like, uh, what's it called? Intrapment? Revenge porn. Oh, it's revenge porn. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it is revenge porn.

You know what? I'll look this guy's fucking name up. Yeah, dude. If he's not dead, he was a big fat fucking wop. And he acted like, uh, sipowitz. You know, that bald retard that always showed his ass on fucking NYPD blue. Yeah Zippowitz.

You're too young. Yeah, now I know what you're talking about. What a dickhead. He's such a dickhead. This guy thought he was going to get, he thought he was, you know, he's so empowered. Like I was going to just start

dimeing all my boys out for drugs, selling Coke. I'm like, dude, it's a fucking frat. What do you want? Yeah. They're kicked off campus anyway.

So what am I going to do? Was that the end result? Then they got kicked off. Yeah. Yeah, they lost their, whatever it is. Did you ever see the tape? They're gay lights as now.

I think they, lost their charter. That's a problem. They lost her charter. Dude. There's a hidden tape, a long lost tape. That kid that was taping me now

is like a popular DJ. I'm not going to say his name, but he's like a fucking, he's like a big enough DJ he's been doing it for a living for like 25 years. He does like big shows. Yeah,

I bet, dude. That's a guy who's, he's got a creative bug. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Breaking in the bedroom. He's going to get some nasty.

The creative bug The cops got it The cops got my tapes This dude had a whole stack I imagine I mean I imagine I'm not the first one He broke into He probably just walked around

With a fucking VHS tape Yeah That's a camcorder Yeah That's a mental illness We're talking shoulder held 90s Camcorder He would just break in the fucking

You mean like he had like the VHS Like in the in the Yes he had the consent In the fucking Yeah Wow Yeah That was

pure wealth. If you have any VHS tape of your upbringing in the 80s, 90s, early 90s, you're wealthy. Yeah, there was no micro-fiche. Yeah. That was an in-ground pool to me. I couldn't I couldn't fathom someone affording a camcorder with VHS tape

recording capabilities. That's not entirely fair because every dad. Because I have them. No, no, because every dad that could afford it like could barely afford it, got one because it was like. No, of course it's not fair. I'm just saying poor people look at that as if it's wealth like an inground pool.

Do you know what I mean? Like if you couldn't afford it, it's rich beyond comprehension. I'm not saying it's rich. It's like having a fucking big screen TV. Big screen TV was a big deal. Big screen TV. Yeah, yeah. You had to pay guys to like, you needed like a forklift to get that in the house.

Yeah, they had the projection back. That was like, hey, let's get my buddies together and we'll move this TV. It's like, no, no, no, you had to, like, knock out a wall and get that thing through. Like, that's not a thing. We couldn't have gotten a big screen TV through the front door. No, right. Yeah. There was literally no way to get it into the house.

It was like transporting a movie theater. The last tire shoot, I went home to my house, my parents' house, and my dad has a TV smaller than this flat screen that he built. He's a man's man. This guy, he's a carpenter or electrician. He knows how to do everything. So he built this like insert into the drywall, a cutout. And then you put a TV in there. So when it comes, it's flush with the wall.

But they're old now. They can't fucking see it. It's like the size of a big cell phone now. And I'm like, Dad, what the fuck are we doing here? Get a big screen TV. And he works fine because he's got that poor brain. I'm like, you know how cheap? The technology has come.

You get a 78 inch, 75 inch. TV for like $300 so I went right on Amazon I got him like a 65 whatever could fit the full wall I'm like done it's coming on Tuesday you need help I call Steve he can help you bring it in

now my mom my mom's thanked me like seven times because she watches CSI and she just squint on the couch after working because she's sleeping laying down looking at this fucking squinting for this you know this episode which looks like a goddamn

tablet I don't know why I got My parents, my parents, no, no, because it's frustrating. Meanwhile, I'm not frustrated with somebody filming the girl blowing. This is outrageous, dad. Yeah, this fake retired cop trying to arrest me. He died about my buddies. Let me tell you how dumb my daddy. All right, this episode is brought to you by Chubbies.

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Nickknack, crush your vice. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is addictive chemical, but knickknack, it's a dissolvable little tablet as opposed to pouches or vapes and all that. Yeah, yeah. You're not swallowing a bag or any of that crap. Dude, my parents, my parents, like, just recently got, like, a 70-inch TV from my aunt that's in the basement that's, like, unusable. Yeah.

It's, it was, it was made in, like, 2002. It's like... Throw it out. Donated. Why did you take this? You know what I mean? Like, the transportation costs alone. are more than just buying a new one.

And this has a menu that's like, it's like fucking Game Boy menu, dude. It's unbelievable. Like my, like we had a bunch of like our, you know, our cousins over that are like kids now. You know,

grand cousins, I don't know what the fuck they're called. But like, it's kids and they want to watch like something on Disney. It's like you can't put it on. You have to plug a computer into it to like display. Yeah. Yeah.

It's insane. I was like, why is this? Parents have that mentality of like my dad would drive five extra miles because gas was 10 cents cheaper. It's like you just spent all your savings because what the fuck the man? The man's been pounding your ass your whole fucking life. Just buy a new goddamn TV. It can waste three pounds. You can bring it in yourself.

You get a little bit older though and you just go. It's a couple extra minutes away from the wife. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm trying to save, babe. Yeah. I got to go to Virginia. It's 20 cents off.

The holiday in there's cheaper too. What am I going to? It's a long trip. I'm not going to do it in one day. My dad still has the the only TV my dad uses is the one that's in the garage that's mounted too high.

And it's like no matter what the weather is, he has no heater in there. It's like negative 20 in the winter in Iowa. He's out there ripping Sigs. watching fucking watching Timberwolves basketball he doesn't even

care about that he doesn't even care about basketball whatever yeah yeah that's that's yeah

that's if you've ever been in a deep depression and somehow gotten into English Premier League

soccer because you're up at 6 a.m for some reason yeah that's that's what that's that is I'm gonna visit my dad's

oh shit Arsenal's on that's my team my dad's gonna have like a pickle ball costume on in the basement drinking Carlo Rossi. I'm like, was mom on your ass right now?

I told her I like a pickle ball. He can't even get off the seat. He's got one fucking kidney. Yeah. He's got two. I told you the dart story where my nephew, me and my nephew were playing darts. And my brother Steve came down,

his father. And my dad is, he's got two days before his surgery. So we wanted to go see him just in case, you know. this guy lived as well. He's a gamer. My mom is a gamer. So my mom's telling us how good he's been.

He's not smoking. He's not drinking. He's not, you know. Meanwhile, I see my dad vape in the bathroom. Every time I see him, he waits and just fucking vapes. He's hitting a vape? He's hitting a vape. But I thought it was vape only.

The tip of the dart falls in the trash can that's underneath the dartboard down the basement of my parents on. This is ash kicks up. Dude, it's like fucking DeSuvius. A wild falcato comes in flying out, dude. A lava of whiskey. It's a blast of Jameson. It's activated, dude. Wamp church can't activate it.

You're not off, dude. It was exactly that. So I have to dig around to find this tip. Because I, you know, for whatever protective purposes, I'm like, kind of dangerous is just a tip laying around. My parents are 70. You and your brother's in the basement. Those pictures are the bodies in the suit.

He's got me in a chokehold. It's covered in the ashes. It's so funny, dude. Anyway, there's like, if I look in the trash can, I have to take the whole lid off because it's one of those like foldable ones from like, you know, early 2000s McDonald's outside. And I just,

see a plethora of fucking napkins, just a bed sheets of just napkins, which is, that's a red flag. And they're not even crunched up. It just looks like, like how you lay an ass casket before taking a dump in a public restaurant. It's just flat paper. It's just flat paper. Flat paper is the biggest red flag, but he knows

my mom's not going to go snooping around the fucking drag pants. Like a As casket. Like around the head. Oh my God. You know what I mean? You lay one back this way, this way, this way, this way. Just kidding.

And then your blood are fluid leaks out their ears. Not mine, pal. My balls are close to my mouth in the water. So I pull off this fucking, this top bedding. And you just see a pile, dude. It's a mound of used cigarettes. This guy's been lying all of us. A pound, like literally.

I'm saying a mound, but it was probably a pound. There was probably a pounds worth of fucking loose cigarettes. Under that, I went, Jesus Christ, I call my brother Steve, I go, Steve, look at this. Guys got surgery in like 48 hours. I knocked the fucking, the sigs off. It's just an empty bottle of James. This dude's rocking and rolling, man.

This guy's party down USA down to the, So Wop archaeologist. This is old pizza crust underneath the Jameson. Half a meatball with mold on it. This sedimentary layers. Yeah. Empty cologne bottle.

Yeah. There's six gold chains at the bottom. This is from 1970s. This is my confirmation money. Your confirmation money is so. My savings bonds from sixth grade. That's so good.

Yeah, do dads do that though? They have little hideaway. I went home. My dad has, my dad doesn't, he's not, he's not allowed to drink anymore for the medication he takes because he has,

but he does. But he does. He has, he takes percocet's for his back. He says like a collapsed vertebrae. Of course he does. He's had like surgery on his house. Yeah, my cousin,

Nikki's got a collapse vertebrae. He's moved on the oxies. Yeah. He keeps collapsing his vertebra. My husband died of heroin. because it was collapsed vertebrae. Old men are the biggest fucking liars in the world. It's so funny because you'll be talking to him

and he'll be, you can tell when he goes to the garage and he comes back, he'll be talking to him, he's fine beforehand. He comes back, one eyes looking this way, one eyes that way.

And he's like, hey, man, he's finally asking me about me. Yeah. Yeah. He's fucked up. How's everything going?

Yeah. Finally ready to hear it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, that's so funny. It's like a kid licking up and going,

all right, babe, what do you want me to get in a home depot? Whatever you want to do, babe. That is every dad asking how you, dude, is literally, it's like they shot of whiskey, they bite a knife. They go, how is it? Dude.

Like he's about a kid his arm's sold off. I got to ask my kid how he's doing. Like a Civil War wound. He's going to take the knee down. All right, tell me about your skits. Dude, that's, oh my. Dude, I had to, dude, I was having when I, when I first got, dude, this is like, I don't know, 2019.

I was having, like, crazy panic attacks. And I called my mom a couple times, like two, three times. And then on like the fourth time calling her, my dad answers. And he's like, listen, if you want to fucking talk to somebody about your fucking problems, you can fucking call me at work. I'm free whenever. And I was like, okay. And he goes, so what's up, buddy?

He just completely. humiliates me goes, quit calling your fucking mom she's sick of it. What do you want to talk about? And now you feel like a pussy I can't catch my breath. I don't know what's happened. He's like, shut up. I was in Beirut.

Good. Good on him, dude. Good on him. You don't know what kind of havoc you're wreaking on his life. You keep calling your mom. I'm scared. Oh, Jesus. Dude, just come to me.

It's the fucking opposite with my parents growing up. Not anymore, but like my dad used to call me, not to have a conversation to be, can you call your mom? Please call your mother. She's asking me why you're not calling her. Just call her. It's a fucking nuisance for me.

And I'm like, all right, what's up? Nothing, I got to go. And then just hang up. So he'd be bothered that he used to then call me. I connect with him and he goes, we call you mother? Oh, no. My dad is... And any time I talk to my mom, she just goes,

you want to talk to your dad? And I'm like, yeah, of course. I get on the phone and goes, hello. I'm like, what's up, Pop? What's going on? I don't know. Same old shit. All right, you want to talk to mom? What the fuck was that?

I learned nothing. It is a thing where it's just like, dads, no. It's like, don't tell your mother. Yeah. Yeah. Because they just get hit with a fucking... Because it'll all get dumped on me.

Yes. Yeah, totally. Yeah. I know you're not going to fix it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I feel like my dad can't wait until all my mom's sisters die.

So she doesn't have to hear about the fucking progress. You know? Yeah. It's just the downfall of each one and the drama that goes with it. They're all bitching about what to do, where we go and who's getting what? Dad's like just fucking, you know? Dad's really, it's like. Probably wants Palestine to fucking.

I'm sorry. Tads, you really have to, talking to your dad is going farm to table. Do you know what I mean? It really is. True. True. Otherwise, it's got to go through your mom. A middleman, you're going to get charged out the ass.

Ends up in Costco for some fucking reason. They add pesticides. She's lying about things in the story. She's reading the side of the box. My regular homemade pasta doesn't have this in it. Garage time was totally fucked if mom is scared. Yeah. About you.

Yeah, garage time gets fucked. One phone call fucks up garage time for four days. Yeah. There's an exchange rate. I fucked up when I was... Good for you, though, for reaching out trying to talk to somebody. Yeah.

Yeah, well, it was mainly because I have OCD I didn't know that. A huge mistake, but I know it's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. It's before Better Help Day. Yeah, it was better help. It was, yeah, it was better call your dad is what it was.

But, well, I had OCD and I didn't realize that. And so I was like having these crazy cycles of like thought patterns of like, if I don't do this, then that's going to happen. And if that happens, that means this and this. And it was just getting worst case scenario constantly for like four days straight to the point where I was convinced that like I thought that I was like going like crazy. And then I was trying to call my mom to convince me I wasn't. Then I just talked to my dad once and he snapped me straight.

Yeah, because back then I didn't fuck. No, that shit existed. Your mom must be an angel. I mean, autism really wasn't that a thing. I would never call my mom to calm me down. Oh my God. The mom's the best. Oh.

You're one in a million. Really? You guys' mom makes you more anxious? Oh, 100%. Oh, no, dude, if I got shot, if I got shot, I'd be one of those guys. It's like, Bob! Oh, I'd be like crying. Oh, yeah.

Well, we'd all be that. When your guts are out, you just beg for mom. But I'm saying, I don't know. When your brain is, when your brain is spilling. Anybody got a football? I just want to get one more talks. We need poop. Get back.

Get poop. Poop, I'm taking flag. Poop. Yeah, yeah. If I call my mom scared, she'd be like, well, I haven't been to the dent. have you been have you done your taxes have you been to the doctor and she's always right she of course she's right but it's like i don't yeah i'm not looking for solutions yeah exactly

yeah just what you just wanted somebody to bitch at yeah but you're like well i'm like my i can't fucking i can't sleep i stay up to like three four she's like can't care your body like yeah go to the gym five six days a week that's not what i mean tom oh yeah heavy what are you doing yeah well what else what do you need i know i know A lot of coffee in the morning. You're drinking cold brew on an empty stomach. That raises everything. I know.

How's your fat tits doing? You're fat tits. You want to change. You have to change, Tom. Is dad home? I'll fucking drive there right now and cut the lawn. I'll fucking cut the lawn. Just to get out of this conversation.

It's crazy. Because all they do is they go, well, are you doing things that make you happy? And you're like, you think so. Who does it? things that make them happy. What the fuck are you? What is this

candy pain dream you're looking? All of a sudden she's Sippowitz. How's your relationship? You cheat on her? What the fuck? How are your business? Sipowitz.

I'm just 46. I'm having fun. Get a blowjob with a camcorder. Just like that. Just like his dad before. Yeah. My daddy's got... Yeah. You built this.

Yeah. I don't know. I think my mom is like probably like my biggest source of comfort. That's great. I would rather like I'll go home in the summer just to like see her. That's great. I don't like that's a dream seeing anybody else. Like my dad obviously,

but like I don't like make friends with I don't like make time to see my friends. I'm like now as I've gotten older, I used to think it used to be reversed. I would go home when I was like 22, 23, hit up all the boys that are still in town. We go out. But now it's like I'll go home. People will hit me up and I'll be like,

I want to play scratch. and watch Antiques Road Show and be blacked out with my parents. Yeah. No, I'm talking shit. I mean, I spent my... My layover days when I got my flight canceled.

My parents just ate lunch with me. It's real. It's nice. It's a comfort that you forget about. Yeah, it's great. And then you get when you go home. But then it's too much. It's a little...

You have to do it on your time. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you get landlocked, you get held to their fucking mom and dad island. Too much garage time. All work in no play. Yeah.

You need a garage under the garage for you. It is true It's like three days of hanging out with your parents You're like oh these people are awesome And then they give you like the Ben Affleck Goodwill Hunting speech It's like you're here tomorrow You're not the best part of my day

Yeah Yeah Wake it up and thinking I will be in your childhood bedroom You're not in it Yeah Listen if you're still here by tomorrow I'm gonna be

Yeah I sent Cooch down the basement and he's like, retainer. You have staying at aunts allegedly, your position would be improved. Why are you asking them

why you don't want to work for the city and the home? I'll tell you why I don't want to work for the city and the hometown. Why didn't you just become a mailman? You do the whole like, why do you not want to work for an essay or whatever he does. Dude.

What a good movie, huh? Oh, I loved it. I mean, it's for absolute waterheads, but I loved it. You know what I think?

Because I'm a waterhead. It's like a paint by number for townies. I think the best, I think the best American movie that's ever been made by far. And I don't know why people don't fucking give it as much praise as they should. Forrest Gump is probably the most quotable

best movie that's been made about America ever. Yeah. And like, everybody does the life's like a box of chocolates. That's like not even top five quotes. from that movie. Yeah. There's so many more.

You ever been on a shrimp boat? No, but I've been on a real big boat. Yeah. That's so funny, dude. That's like the funniest sentence ever. Yeah, we said this. It's got every American cliche wrapped in one. Unreal.

Yeah. A disabled veteran, a college football hero, a retarded guy, a lady with AIDS who's white somehow. Back then, you got to earn that, dude. Dude. Getting asked when they're in Vietnam if him and Bubba are twins or brothers. Yeah.

No, sir. We're a other relationship. That becomes a fucking, a war hero who turns his life around. It's like the hacky shit at the board. Up until about three or four weeks ago, it really was like the, the movie. You know what I mean? What do you think is? What happened three, four weeks ago?

Yeah. Iran. Wait. Because it was the thing where it's like as crazy as the world gets. Forrest is like is is is America it's this thing that like keeps going all right now oh you think that's only four years ago or four four weeks ago that America's the evil fucking empire no it's well it is I mean sort of but Forrest Gump has that in it the Vietnam part yeah that's when it started us being the evil no but he's like the he's like the even keel he's like this anchor that's just like

stupid but consistent and you know we're still heading on a good trajectory we're going to be alright kind of thing and now and now a guy has started a war because he's a pedophile and it's like well I don't know if Forrest Gump still holds

up anymore dude I swear I know the more you know the more you know about history and what's tracking with American politics and the war machine all of these old school movies outside of World War

one and World War II, none of it holds up for me. I mean, it does because it's fucking great film, but then you go, oh shit, oh, now I know why this happened, you know? You learned how to drive tanks for no fucking reason. You should have been in college. You should have been a local

electrician, making your mom happy. Now, you're telling you up to idiotic in fucking Iowa. What? It went from Forrest Gump to idiocry so fast. Yeah. Now it's a true comedy. Yeah, idiotocracy is one of those ones where it just keeps aging.

The new forest go. Yeah. Totally. It's got what plants crave. Yeah. If that was made today, Tom X was like, I'm the retard playing the retar.

The sky. The sky says the other Vichot. Dude. Oh. That's so good. I'm not. Ready out playing a retort. It's got another re-dog.

Come on, man. Let's go. That's good stuff. As it gets, yeah, I mean, why come you don't have a tattoo? That's such a funny. Where's your tattoo? He's jacking. And I'll go away beating it.

That's, by the way, that's me when I visit my parents. Josh, you want breakfast ready. Go away, beating it. So the only thing to do, and dude, every time I do go home, I get sad because I think about like what life would be like if I had just stayed. And it's just like, I know it's not a sad life. I know that I have plenty of friends who there, but it just does nothing for me like fulfillment-wise to be like, you know,

just settle in, get like a nice little backyard in Mason City. I population 27,000. Yeah. Raise kids. It's not that it's sad. It just doesn't appeal to me in the slight. It's like people have never,

I know people who have like never left. And it's like, that's, I don't know. There's just so much more to life than. going to Applebee's on fucking Thursdays and getting hammered with the boys. I don't know if there is. Yeah. I don't know if there is,

the more you do the other. I think you're young enough to know, I think that bell curve flips back around. You think it comes back? There you go, I just want to now. I want to go right at the block. I want to have my own, I don't want to have to order a drink

because it's ready for me. I want it like cheers. I want to sit down next to some. dude, I mean, how many times at that fish restaurant in Westchester are you bombarded with two dudes talking about high school baseball? It's like, oh, he's fucking jerk off, but then you start listening

and go, eh, I'm not seeing your bonner has come wrong. Yeah, yeah. You go to him like, these guys are stuck on high school baseball, like, what, wait, what's going on? Yeah, yeah, he's center field? Who beat who? No, dude. Antalini's starting at first.

That's fucking unbelievable. I went to school with his dad. His dad was dark, is you Why? Guy got hands like feet. Tom, when it's cold out, your feet are freezing. Right? This is when you got those regular cotton socks on, you know?

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That's what we should get. Alpacus. Soft baby alpaca fiber. That's okay. The how is this legal level of comfort? Thermo regulating, warm when it's cold outside, breathable when it warms up. Moister managing.

Feet stay dry. Start that whole section over. Because I block it. What are you talking about? Start the whole section over. What are you talking about? The second half. This is premium alpaca hollow socks, dude.

Yeah. What's that mean? They got ultra soft baby alpaca fiber. They've got thermo-regulating. They've got moisture managing. Okay. They got durable, no-itch knit. And they're odorless.

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No, the thing that's sad about it, though, is that it's like an existentialism moment that I have with it, which is more like they're happy and that makes me happy. But then I think about what the reality of that is and it's just so not fulfilling for what I want to do that I can't comprehend that it's fulfilling for anybody, which I know is not the right thought process. It's like I couldn't do that. I would go stir crazy if I just lived in the place I lived in my whole life. Now, I know some people like that, and it's a comfort. But it's just like, to me, so foreign that I just can't wrap my head around that existence. I mean, look how happy Chris is being within a one block radius of the same shit every day. Look how happy.

Yeah, he was, he loves Westchester. Like a pig and shit. Like a pig and shit. He's in the basement. Heiding Sigs and James is. He doesn't even smoke. He's watching a TV that's mounted too high. It's too small.

It is too small. The TV line is too small and not too long. My brain is just one big ashtray, dude. No, but you got to see in the world's cool. Getting out there seeing shit's cool. Of course. I think the perfect mix is both. He's like having enough opportunity and money to travel.

But the problem is, you know, these people that you're speaking of, like my family and you have kids, you get locked in the school. And you're like, that's a lot of fuck. I mean, daycare is so expensive for children, dude. It's insane. Yeah. So that's why these people live near their parents. They go, I'm just going to, I'm going to mom and dad watch their grandkids because they love it too. I could save, you know, $50,000 a year on fucking daycare for three kids.

What the fuck are you going to do? I mean, totally. And then you go, that's my world. Then you go to, I don't know. My brother likes to go to fish concerts with his wife. They're fucking animals. See, that rules, though. Yeah, for them, that rules.

That's like a thing that they're doing. No, it's like that's like that's like. Like they're out there. They're out of the getaway. Yeah. These guys, yeah, these guys that I know. The point is it doesn't matter what you do. Yeah.

Yeah. You're going to be. Say something beautiful so I can go, Poop's taking flag. I'll wait until you get to the most eloquent ending. It's true. It's true. Life's what you make it, dude.

Yeah. Yeah. You know? You got to get out of your own bush and then fucking get back to your bush. Yeah. Totally. feels when you get home in your own bed after two weeks on the road? Yeah.

That's the goal. The feeling of walking into a bar you've walked into for 30 fucking years. You know the lighting. You know the bartending. You know the fucking, you know, you know, everybody around. That's great. It's not that it's not great, but it's just like you've also experienced so much more than that. You know what I mean? Well, that's the point. It's like you get out and do other things. For sure. You got to come home to back to home base.

I think that you definitely do. I've always said this. People from Delcour like white trash. salmon? They'll go out and they come back to die where they were birthed. Well, that's, see, that I'm on, I'm down for that. Yeah. I'll retire in Iowa. Yeah.

I mean, that's crazy. Now you're being stupid, dude. There's a small, there is something nice to that small town charm. There is something nice about like, well, by the time you come back, they're not going to accept you. Oh, look who's here. Yeah, fucking big shot. Oh, Mr. Hollywood, you faggy.

You left our Dart League 25 years ago. And now all of a sudden, you think you're just going to moose you on up to this fucking store? Get the fuck out of here. You can't see your eyelashes. You're gay now. I think if I had to choose a different life, I would want to be a, like, master carpenter. What did you say? You can do that right now.

No, sniper. You would be a good sniper. Yeah, he'd be a great sniper. I would be, yeah. Yeah. No pushback whatsoever. You have no idea how quickly I'd start. Stop caring about human life.

Yeah. But I do master carpenter in like a super rich vacation like mountain town or like Lake Town. Yeah. And just. Make decks for the rich and Aspen. Yeah, dude. Yeah.

Also, that's like a, that's a, that's a streamlined. job and opportunity to get away from your wife when the time comes. He's got to build this table for the fucking Johnson's. Yeah. I got to be in the basement for three weeks. Not stop salt dusts. And you're just cutting nothing. Just watching the Phillies.

Oh, dude. Just cut nothing. Pencil in the ear. Oh, my God. That happened. That happened to me. That happened to me. You got a bucket of salt dust next.

You just put it on your face and go upstairs with a pencil in here. You haven't cut shit. Oh, babe, it's crazy. I just need one cold one. I haven't drank anything. Dude, that, that for real happened to me in, in New Hampshire. I was, like, getting coffee in the morning and a guy walked in and was like, hey, Terry, how you doing? And the guy was like, good.

You know, I'm just building this, like, fucking building an awning for so and so. Then I got the rest of the afternoon off. And I remember I was looking at this guy, like, like, like, mama there goes that. man. It was like, damn, dude. What a dream. And he turned around.

He was like, were you on kill Tony this week? Yeah. And he was like, you sucked. You're gay. The worst fans of all time. Tony was like,

do not read the comments. Do not read the comments. I'll take it from a carpenter with a pencil. Yeah. I'll take that right in the ass. Dude. I was like, I'll trade places with you right now, dude.

Yeah, I do like, I don't know, there is, I don't know. I have so conflicted about all of it, though, because I do think it would be nice to be there. But I don't think it would be great to be there permanent, like forever. You know what I mean? No, I took, dude. Trust me. I'm trying to reflect on this.

I get what you're saying. I'm trying to have a full thought process about it. I've said this so many times, but as you get older, and you experience more things. Yeah. I've realized that everything I've said in the last 10 years specifically

because everything, you don't know shit in your 20s, 30s, mid-30s, start understanding a lot of things. But everything I said before that, I'm like so embarrassed because you don't fucking understand until you experience. So to support your claim,

a lot of those people are ignorant because they haven't experienced anything else. But if you experience other things and then understand the charm of how they live, totally but they're not going to you it has to be it's got to work both ways yeah and what are the odds of someone experiencing the other life and they're coming back to home yeah that's the goal but yeah yeah you gotta kill yourself got you gotta you gotta murder suicide murder suicide big and

the midwest yeah and just say i was looking for a tip of a dart oh dude your wife's bleeding out all over the fucking pool table i've been watching that new jason baitment show on hboh good shift that's a good shift that no it's about a murder suicide It was about a murder. Oh, okay. About a murder. It's pretty good. You should check it out.

But the whole thing is like, this is what happens, though, where everybody in America right now is so obsessed with like, what did it? Like South Park called it like murder porn where it's everybody's watching these, me and you both watch these videos where it's like the interrogations of these people. So all of these shows are now like getting made to capitalize on like the thrill of like this guy murders his wife. Yeah. And then it's just, this is the whole process. And the documentaries, dude. there's unreal. There's four on HBO

Captivating. Really great. Why are they so captivating? Because they're real stories. You think that's what it is? Yeah. 100%. And they're documentary style

and it's like... It's got to be grosser than that though. Well, it's part of our... What are you talking about? We started murdering. It's always just, it could be worse. You know what I mean? I think everyone's...

That helps. It's just watching something and you go... Yeah, at least I'm not that fucking guy. That's what every... That's what all TV is right now because everyone's sad. You just want to watch something and go, well, at least I'm not these fucking idiots.

Yeah. If I have a bad set. That's everything. If I have a bad set, I just come home, like, throw on the beheadings. Yeah. You're fine. Yeah.

You're fine. It's your head's still on top. It's like, at least I don't squabble like these fucking morons. You know what I mean? Well, your Fars Gump joke didn't hit? Throw a beheading on. Yeah.

You're fine. Yeah. You got to get back to Iowa. I'll pay for it. I'll still give you I'll still give you money Dude I'll come back fucking 40 pounds heavier

You can produce from there 40 I won't recognize Dude if you stay If you stay out past 10 p.m. in Iowa You gain five pounds I mean you're already wearing Iowa tuxedo

Dude This is wedding attire in fucking Iowa You give me a bass Pro shop at you I'm getting You know You know the diet's not going well when you put the camo shirt on.

You gotta break up my cheese taint. Dude, the diet's been today, this week starts down, I'm down 12 pounds now. This week starts. This week starts no red meat all week. I'm doing nothing but chicken

breast and fish. All right. What kind of fish you get? I don't know yet. Probably some of those. You know what I've been doing. Don't say. Talapia. I've been getting, no. Talapeia is good.

It's the worst fish you can eat. I know, but that's good. I'm going to rip some salmon, I think, but you know what I did? You got to get wild caught. You know what I've been? Fish is expensive if you get the good stuff. You know what I've been crushing, though? And you're going to not like this, but I've been crushing those tuna packets.

Yeah. They're super high in sodium, but dude, I'm ripping up. Oh, no, they're super high in metals. What do you mean? Huge. Mercury? They're cooked. Mercury, lead. They're cooked in the tin.

and it's based in aluminum, but it's also got a film. So I shouldn't be eating these like a lot? No. I'm ripping like three of them a day right now. Are you getting those? They're really nice ones? No, like the $2 packet once from Walmart. No, that's not good.

Really? It's not good for you. They're high in protein, dude. Of course they are, but they're also high in metals. You can't, you can only eat fish once a week. Twice a week at most. Daily. And you got to buy, dude, it's all fucking, it's all system.

We're getting sick. They're making it sick. No, no. spend a lot of money and I don't even believe that because I'm spending a lot of money because my broad's watching these fucking reels and I'm watching a couple of reels but for real

those those, what are you getting those two for ones? Yeah. Yeah, you're fucking, you'll be dead in a week. No, no, I'm going to be shredded. But you'll lose three pounds. You're going to lose a lot of weight. You'll look great in your kids. Then I'm watching, I'm watching

Athleen X videos. You ever see that guy? No. He's got those, he's got the the cum gutters when I'm like that's sick that's gay dude I can't believe you said that we were just talking about this is like getting in shape but you see you see an older man with a six pack on the beach it's the creepiest fucking thing in the world I think it's so sick when you see I think I agree that guy's a sexual

I'm gonna do that's what I'm gonna do that's my goal for next year you already had this guy he takes a shirt off now he's chiseled now dude sent me a picture of two McDonald's bags on his front door because he got blacked out forgot he ordered twice he took his shirt off right now he's probably he's probably got a six back He's bionic. It's bionic.

I got the surfboard, dude. I got the sheer white flat front, dude. That's what we should do. We should learn how to surf. Yeah, anything. We should exercise. Well, when you get back, it's going to be piping hot in like a month and a half. So we should get, we should hit the links.

I got to get the golf. We'll start a simulator and then hit some nines. I'm down. I'm game. I'm ready to swing away. you said you don't like you don't like like the old guy with that what would be like the way that you would want to look

who's like a guy that you're like that's a good physique for like an aged man that I want just a nice bulky build that you can tell he works out but it's not his whole personality like a dad bod type of thing yeah dad bod but dad bod is different dad by this is an athletic dad bod I want to go yoga body dude

Chris you're not tall enough for a yoga body I do dude I want to see what my body can do. Oh, yeah, grow six inches? I just get long blonde hair. I got a kid. I got, I got,

I got like belly posture all the time and I just hate it. Yeah. That's that depression on your shoulders. I know, which I don't want to lose. Yeah. When I see people,

when I see people, when I see people walking around without it, I get pissed, dude. See? It's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's fucking gross.

Yeah. Yeah. shoulder you're trying to drag you to hell. That's like, that's like, that's right. Just fucking. Trying to end it all. Just get in the hole.

Get in the fucking hole. You know you want to. Come on. It's right there. It's right there. You don't want to work tomorrow. I like the carrying laundry back to town from the river posture.

Yeah. That's what I like. That's why those black chiquitas got it right, putting a basket on their fucking head. I know. Jesus. Great posture. I don't have to cut that.

I didn't say anything racist, but the way I said it. Chiquita banana. While looking down, cleaning my eyes. Your eyebrows, at a certain degree, your eyebrows can be racist. It doesn't matter what you say, at a certain degree of eyebrows. I didn't mean anything by that, black chakitas. You get those two banana slugs point down. It's a problem.

Sounds like a team name in that banana. The black chakitas. Yeah, I play shortstop for the black chakitas. Yeah, I'm a relief pitcher. Yeah. Pitcher does a backflip before he throws it. Antonelli plays for the black chicanas. All right, Chris, thank you, bro.

I will see you tomorrow. Yeah, see you tomorrow. Love you, boys. Oh, I love you. See you.