Stuff Island - House Arrest - Stuff Island #215

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

The boys discuss the Michigan coaching scandal Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel @LookatDish where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://www.RocketMoney. com slash STUFFISLAND today. That’s RocketMoney dot com slash STUFFISLAND. RocketMoney dot com slash STUFFISLAND. SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope #comedy #comedypodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You see what I'm not going to kiss you on the forehead. Yeah, it's going to be with him three times. With a low grumble. There's no chance that's not a kiss on the head. That's like the uncle doorbell. uncles were like handsy and kissy now yeah no no no yeah no no it truly is that that is that's a wop thing right the italian side for my family it's you know yeah i know it's generic and corny to say but like very handsy very loving yeah there's no uncles were always holding you kissing you

throwing you around no we were full irish yeah we're like um yeah they they all like i feel like like yeah my uncles were always like you needed like like you needed like a certain number of them for them to tip over and start being really fun you know what i mean like if there's only two uncles it's not going to happen you know you get three you get my dad and his two brothers two brothers oh yeah now there's a yeah they turn in this 15 year old's a critical mass yeah yeah that they like start they start having like a lot of fun but yeah but yeah same i feel like with my mom's side if she get like enough of her brothers yeah they're become human again yeah yeah they all like start to slip into their roles a little bit and then it's like fun but if you get them isolated they're they're very they're hall monitors

you know what I mean like ants and uncles alone or hall monitors are like crossing guards yeah they're always just like on the beat what's what's he got in his hands what's he doing yeah I'm gonna sit down and watch a dog shit program they call programs program yeah you're watch my stories watch my program yeah you get them all cluster together they become like human again again you know they become like kids yeah and they remember the the joy of youth and they start fucking off yeah hit the sauce i feel like yeah there's fucking polarids of uh i got like aunts and uncles that are like nude in a hot tub at my what my aunt and uncle's polaroids of that somewhere yeah my uncle's like coming out of a hot tub with his fucking ass out in like an evidence locker but they all they were almost like I was doubling on one of those

Polaroids would be fucking crazy yeah just looking at Neil's flat Irish ass my dad's in the back smoking a joint I'm like oh this is a fuck party yeah dude any picture we're jumping on the waterbed any any picture of adults

that they're like didn't need to get taken to like a photo processing place is sketch. They are sketch. Just the quality of a sketch. Yes. You start to get a weird feeling

in your tummy, just seeing a polaroid. Just a polaroid in general. Right. And it's just like a normal, standard Halloween picture and you're like, something's off here.

Yeah, immediately you go like to detect, you're like, who took the picture? Yeah, yeah. If you two are at your house naked in the hot tub, who's taking the photograph?

That must have been tough for pedophiles. like taking Polaroids and they're just going to like you have to waft it yeah I mean blowing on it

waiting for the picture to come through or a kid get your hot bob oh thanks dude just a trick camera I don't think anyone's gonna

every time it develops they're adults dude a pedophile filter on a polaroid just puts beards on everybody chest hair and stuff this big ugly noses got you

not today you pedophile god damn it if you didn't know I know you don't know Josh because you're young but the polar you snap you'd snap to go and would draw out the side or the front they still have them and then you waft it

and as you Jesus Christ why oh you know yeah yeah they polaroid's been like dude well now it's like hits your shit right it's like it's made a For, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, polaries are like the, yeah, they keep finding the ways to get off the mat, dude. They're sticking around. Yeah. They've got some new ones that are like really great. Yeah, yeah. You just rip those out. And they got the water cameras.

Yeah, underwater camera. Yeah. I kind of love an underwater camera. Oh, God. It's for those racist dads that go to Cancun and pretend they don't like black people and they go underwater and just see the big fat black ass and clear blue, you know.

you know i'm just yeah just the image of my head of just some crazy racist with a pink underwater it's my daughters yeah with like one of those nazi scars in his face there was a huge racist dude that we used to go to the polish american club dropping end bombs out loud like a real piece of shit he had no teeth he had one tooth in the front I called him wine punch because it was the big corner

he had no idea why I called him why I punched but it was like he took his fucking mouth and just bang at the back of his head just opened that little top yeah

it was like the old school you know you know old school can't open a shosh you came around the time that's probably like army rations you probably had to do that all the time do you ever punch a thing and drink out of it

not there but I know what you're talking about yeah yeah yeah now we have plastic in the military you're plastic can openers no it's like everything's in plastic bags oh right yeah like liquids yeah you get like powders to make like add water like yeah to make soup or like make like whatever what's the most delicious uh army ration dish you've ever had this is what we should do a look at dish on this yeah it's the chili is unbelievable Dude, I believe it. I believe it, dude.

Of course you don't. My mom raised this in Army ration, chili. Yeah, yeah. She's still making it. Genuinely going, it was unbelievable. You got to try this powdered chili from fucking Iraq. Dude, my cousin gave me instant coffee this morning. It was unbelievable.

Yeah. What, the powdered stuff? Yeah. It was so good. They still make that. right yeah yeah it's just it's it's fucking instant right just coffee grind grind to uh dust yeah it was fucking amazing why isn't better than a lot of coffee what why isn't them more common i don't know it's gotta be something with the caffeine yeah it's got

it i don't know you're also demolishing the purity of the bean that's why you're you're not supposed to you are no you're right no you're not so yeah you're not supposed to grind the beans Don't you're not supposed to grind the beans Until day of You know what I mean Of the bean You are demolishing the purity of the bean You are demolishing the purity of the bean

There's no question about it Yeah Yeah But it's I feel like Yeah I feel like regular My mind's going everywhere

The imagery of demolishing the bean Yeah Could be sexual could be violent. Yeah. Just think about a Mexican getting raped. No, I said

consensual. I said consensual, dude. I'll start with coffee. I know. It wasn't until his chuckle got me going, you know. Cute underwater camera.

It's some fucking racist, you know. Huge blacks, fucking. We are young, young, Juggles are demolishing the bean. It is a very sexual line.

I apologize. The purity of the bean. I got back into the Bealetti, the small pot cook on the stove. I've been doing that every day now. Oh, that little tin thing? Yeah, yeah. It's metal, it's iron, but it's,

you know, like espresso, essentially. Yeah. And then you add hot water that and make an Americana. So I only make like a small little cup. Mm-hmm. That's what I do every day now.

That makes a spray. Yeah, essentially. What do you mean, essentially? Is it espresso or not? It's not an espresso machine, but it's... It's a tiny concentrated cup of coffee? Yes. That's espresso.

Yeah. Right? Yeah, but these fucking whops will get crazy. What? Because you got to have the specific... It's got to probably has to have some specific process. But yeah, it is. But before they had those machines, the Italians were making espresso with the little tin guy.

100%. Yeah. Yeah. So... Metal. And it seems better Because the machine always breaks It's one billion percent better

It's the worst Every espresso machine is engineered By Italian Yeah, I bet you it ain't It's some Germans making that stuff Yeah, Germans are yeah Yeah somebody's make it Nespressos

Not bad in the hotels That's like an instant coffee though Isn't it? Nisproso? Yeah, yeah I think so It's good to see you man We went from raping Mexicans

to detailing espresso machines. Yeah. Well, it's, we're all around coffee stuff. Yeah, it is around coffee stuff. Yeah. It's just a coffee talk. Yeah, it's coffee talk. Yeah, it's classic coffee talk.

I'm trying to get back into the pour over setup. Yeah, I've like four or five different coffee processes that I flip back and forth, too. Yeah. I'm going to go back to the, you know, the caraf kind of thing. what's got you down right now yeah i'm stressed about tomorrow's cook yeah i don't know what to do what to do what to fucking do yeah i was very excited to get a porquetta i'll tell you guys now we're gonna do a porquetta it's a holiday meat that i've never done before and i was very excited i was prepared ready to go but i didn't order the fucking pork right out here you got to go to

an actual farm so the central market and all these other little butcher's order them from farms and you know san antonio and all around texas and they have deliveries based on your order so you can't just go into one of these butchers going i'll take one of those like no they're already they're taken they're spoken for they're spoken for now at the holidays coming up i can't i can't jump in line oh there's no i'd have to we'd have to take a ride for two two to four hours spend the whole fucking day getting a getting a portcetta right which is just a boneless pork roast with skin on it and it's wrapped with

like herbs and can you make it what do you mean can you make a porquetta can you buy the ingredients basically the pieces of meat well that's what we were going to do yes I'm looking for the fucking pig what do you mean

it sounds like what you're asking for is a completed proletta no I'm looking just for the piece of meat so these butchers they roll it for you they make the rollitini essentially and then sell it to you pre-made so you just put it in the oven. So I just want to fucking slab of meat.

Okay. And they do order them, but I just would have to get it sent in. Right. You got to order it ahead of time. And I didn't. So now I've got to figure out what holiday protein I want.

What's a good holiday meal? Like London broil? What's a... What the hell is a London Royal? Yeah, London broil, you better bring two hockey sticks. I'll be ruining drywall I wouldn't serve to strangers on a bus dude

I thought a London broil It's like the worst cut of meat possible That's all right Dude it's truly It was a staple in my white trash friend's houses Including my own My parents It's like the cheapest cut of meat you can get

It's like the ass There's no fat It's the toughest piece of fucking meat My friend's mom Used to make a London broil once a week And I'd have to go over there Pretend like I was excited excited yeah she would bake this fucking thing until i swear to god it was it was a car tire

and she had no idea how to cook and she would just put onions on the top of it and then put it in there so the onions would be charged yeah yeah vaporized yeah and you couldn't get your knife through it because obviously you know poor people don't have nice knives and then you chew it to the point where dude like your your jaw would tire dude i started hiding them like i would hide pieces like on the side of my mouth like I was like I was just blowed up I looked like quagmire

my end of the fucking dish dude my mom still has every still has knives they have to be from the 60s she has like the nice dining set yeah from of course you know

yeah 20s fucking New York yeah they're unusable it's a it's an or the knife is an ore it's just a paddle that can't do anything it's crazy and every time we we have like family over for thanksgiving and christmas i see that on like the table and i'm just like why put these out like no one's funny it's like it's also got these three tines it's a fork with three tines and not four

and i don't that ruins a for what'd you call him tines three tines tines are you a writer That's what they are No it's like four times Since we've been here He's pulled this shit They're times Called prongs or something Nobody knows what a fucking time

They take a week off From drinking all my words I hate it I fucking hate it dude I will hide booze in your food I will get you fucked up So you become normal again Stop saying tines

That's what they are It's got three times What would you call them spikes Oh prong Spikes I'd like spikes Three spikes I had a fork

with three spikes on it. That sounds like somebody I'd fuck with. Well, these aren't spite. They're tines. Yeah, I heard. And they're fucking, you just can't fork anything. Well, you can't get past the visual of it. It's a very weird thing.

It's like, usually the three-pronged forks are like the big ones for serving. You know, you got that giant fucking spoon. Yeah, yeah. And it's got the three-tined fork. Well, that's the other problem is that four is, right three the distance between the prongs yeah is too much yeah you know what i mean that's why they're serving tines because you can get the knife in between oh in between the time who's ever cut through a fork you cut through the in in the serving forks yeah in the middle of a time you

cut through it all right let's say the steak is like this yeah right you put the fork here you can slice here and here without moving the meat and then you get another two three shift it one two one two three that ain't bad never seen it before yeah but we think so bad i got a cooking show it's called look at dish you ever seen it yeah well i've never seen you do it on look at dish you've never mentioned it oh i got to buy a three tined fork i'll look into it you got to get your tines go i might do a prime rib you know let's think about a prime rib some horse strata sauce, maybe some scalloped. And that's a big roll, the prime rib?

The prime rib is already, no, it's one piece of meat. Yeah, yeah. It's what we normally, right? What am I thinking of? It's just a cut of meat. Yeah, it's just a cut of meat. Yeah, yeah. It's not a big roll-y thing?

No, it's not rolled. It's not rolled anything. Can you get something to roll? Well, you were excited about rolling it. You know why. We could. You can just get other pieces of meat and roll them up, can't you? Yeah.

Chris, you can roll up, Eddie. Why does it have to be what they don't want to give us? A pork cat is special because the exterior, the skin gets really crispy. You know, it's like a, it's a whole thing and the inside's very juicy. You can't ask for, like, can I get some skin on the side? No. You can't get, like, you can't just get some pork and be like, you got any skin back there? Yeah, yeah.

Give me some pigskin and a rib-eye. Yeah. No. No, but we could make, yeah, we can make some rolloutines. I want, I want rib-eye, though. I want, like, because I've never made it. I've also never made porquetta. But I want to make something that I've never made just to, you know,

have an interesting protein that's not fucking ham for Christmas. And we did the lamb shank before. Maybe we get a lamb roast. We could do something different. I don't get a roast. Let's go. We'll go. are the top

top holiday top holiday meets the thing is you're going to search and they're going to give you

basic and holidays no they're going to give you basic ant dishes so you're going to do

a prime rib roast yeah okay that's an option prime rib roast I like that

it's for Christmas is a Christmas dinner you get rump roast rump is like London broil

on a sense back to the broil it's named that way on purpose okay it's the ass of the cow

what about a pork loin roast porkloin's nice but basic we've already done a pork loin we did pork loin with Luke Tuma

you weren't there it did porkloin yeah meat and cheese chunks we like to call it just call Josh we

It's very disrespectful Where's meat and cheese chunks Is he coming? We're about to start Well, if you got some beef, let's say And you rolled it up And you put a bunch of like sausages and stuff in there What do you think would happen?

I don't know, we go to war What do you think what happened then? What are you doing, dude? What do you mean? This is the last meal? you're about to go to the lecture chair You can't just keep adding meats into a bowl Why not?

I don't know Maybe we flip the script And just have you make me a fucking Christmas dinner I do I'd roll up some pork in a I want your crazy brain To walk into a butcher Go I'll take some of that

Some of that Some of that And then I want to see Where you go What's your ideal Christmas meat I like a ham. I like a Christmas ham.

Of course you too. Obviously. Lazzania, unsalted green beans. We are going to war, dude. Unseasoned mashed potatoes. No, I get there is a, there is a, you know, it's, it's nostalgic and there is some charm. I like these standard. When you see, yeah.

When you were talking to me about the porcetta and you're talking about a roll with some fixings in the middle, I got really excited. Yeah. Because I like that idea. I went to three places today, man. I was driving everywhere. No, I believe you. I'm just wondering if we can roll something up and some meat and hold on to the essence.

Well, let's brajole. Brajol is the other option. Brajol is a thinly smashed beef. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. You might think you have a solids handle on your budget. Maybe your spreadsheet says you have an extra $1,000 left over each month.

But if your bank account isn't reflecting that, something's off. Rocket Money helps you track every dollar, uncover hidden spending, and take control of your finances. Never feel like your money just disappears each month? It's easier than ever to overspend. Are you sleeping with a woman? Yeah, that'll do it. Take a look into that.

Yeah. Have you given her your credit card number? Two impulse buys after seeing an ad on your phone to ordering takeout a few times a month. Rocket Money helps you rein it in by showing you where money is going and helping you make decisions so you can keep more money in your pocket. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Monitorers are spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. If you've got a goal you'd like to save for, Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside.

Rocket Money will even negotiate lower bills for you. The app automatically scans your bills to find opportunities to save and then goes to work to get you better deals. They'll even talk to customer service so you don't have to. Get alerts if your bills increase in price. If there's unusual activity in your accounts, you're close to going over budget, and even when you're doing a good job. Rocket Money has saved over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in canceled subscriptions alone. There are 10 million members save up to $740 a year when they use all the app's premium features.

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash stuff Island today. that's rocketmoney.com slash stuff island rocketmoney.com slash stuff island and you do a roll of teen where you fill it with parm and herbs

you sear it with a toothpick and then you finish it off in sauce gravy okay I like that but for some reason I feel like a half brajole and it's not good I know he's doing though I mean I get it

I feel like he does I feel like I've had that before and it's not good I feel like I've had Just winking and Josh Now he's gonna do it Maybe the meat was hit too thin Yeah

I want a thick roll of meat And what did you put in the middle Of the porcetta? The porchetta is like garlic sage, thyme rosemary You roll some beef around that That's gonna be great

You can't roll the outside Because it's the skin The skin is like the star in a way The whole cooking process And you can also pour like Hot oil over it so it bubbles immediately like crackling yeah pig crackling what do you call crackling pork rinds yeah but could you get could you get some pig skin and wrap it around your beef set up dude i i

swear to god what if you got a really fatty like a like a briskety type thing and you rolled that around something and it had that fat on the outside you could sizzle and sear that and now you're now we're getting closer to... You want me to make a porquetta that's not pork? That's not pork. With beef? Yeah.

You want to... Okay, so I couldn't find porchetta. You want me to find different things. Yeah. To imitate the rolloutine process. Yes. Okay. What's wrong with this idea?

I feel like it's good. Oh, because it's fucking impossible. Why is it impossible? You know how much fucking work that would take? No. This is not a fucking America's test kitchen. Yeah. I think it is a little bit.

Cooking is already difficult with you on my ear. I know, but I got some good ideas every now and again. I think we spend a little time we can solve this problem. Stick to your tines. What's the porketta? I would love to stick my tines. I do a beef roll with some pigs get around. That's what I'm looking for.

Where are we at? How about Sharon Moore? Do you see what's going on in Michigan? Love it. Dude. I love it. it. I fucking love it, dude. I've never seen such a fallout.

I mean, that guy had to... Talk about KFC double down. Oh my God, dude. That's a classic double down. Oh, my God, dude. What he signed for like five years, like $25 million or something? I don't, yeah, it's not good.

The money, he's, all the money's going to court fees. He's still going to get jail time. He'll never coach again. he's young he could have coached again I think if he hadn't gone to her house and

if he had broken into her home and threatened to unalive himself he I think he could have coached again but here's the thing there's levels to this as you know it's like you're going to forgive

certain things right so Jalen Carter on the Eagles are the best defensive player we have Jalen Carter catching some strays Well I'm just gonna use an example I'm sorry

You know that thing that guy put behind me? This reminds me of that Who's another black guy That was in shrubble No he was in like a fucking An accident Killed his best friend Like offroading

Or something like that And like still went number one Like it was like Here's a good story To not have the details right I just want to shot his friend and then just run over a lady or something I don't know how you call Robin a bank offro

No he was like drag racing and fucking killed his buddy But anyway, it didn't affect his draft Because you're that talented People will look the other way if you're that good Yeah This dude is not that good I don't think I mean he was he was promoted within the

Yeah within the company and the system farm system but like I don't think he would have gotten out of even if he didn't break into her and try and stab himself with a three-tined fucking fork I don't know dude that's so yeah he did he grabbed butter knives and a pair of scissors which is a fucked up detail for them to include I like it because it shows you you're a fucking bitch and you don't fucking mean it first of all you'd never make it there if you meant that if you want to fucking kill yourself be a dog about it don't tell anybody walk into the woods and that ever come back. Yeah. Yeah. You know, make yourself a, your own shiv.

Yeah. At a bar. Go to the middle of the O in the Buckeyes Stadium. Yeah. Kill your, yeah. Oh.

That would have been a power. That would have been in the coaching vest. The visor on. The visors on like. row three but yeah to go to

it was a 38 took it that far to go to her house that's insane that's so bad and then grabbing a butter knife like my blood's on you it's like what

yeah dude just shut it down yeah give yourself yeah first 48 you got a first this is a reverse first 48 yeah it's like shit hits the fan

yeah shut it down basement door closed yeah the last 72 yeah You're fucking MRE chilly and hunker down. Hunker down. It's, I mean, it's already over. He knew it was over.

I know, but just go silent. To go back to what we're talking about. There's no way he's recovering from cheating on his wife. The scandal with this assistant or somebody that's in the company. Right. He's done. He's fired. What was no other, he's not that talented.

This is going back to. my point. He's not big enough to take another head coach position at the collegiate level. So then what do you do? You go, okay, you're divorced? Then you go to what, high school? Yeah. And be happy?

No, he's just, you got to pick. You got to pick up and start over. Yeah, dude, I agree, but there's no way he's getting back to where he was. Yeah, who knows? This is not the fucking, it's not the 60s and 70s when we had Polaroids of our naked uncles. You can't just jump back.

jump back in the pilot seat you're fucked dude social media would be like I don't like this you know they're done he's done his whole life is fucking over and that's why he's trying to pretend to kill himself with a butter knife yeah but he's got a long

yeah I had a long life ahead of him now he's gonna be you know oh yeah dude if he just said fuck it I fucked up I hear you there's no way he's coming back but he's still got contract money

now he's gonna use all that money to get the fuck out of court out of jail it's done It's a pretty smart move on his part, I guess, if you're really thinking about, if you really pull back, it's like you're not going to want to hang around your wife and kids. Get in prison for a while. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Jesus. Right? It's like you go to the girl's house. You throw it in her room, but you got butterknife. You got a butter knife. None of it's real, but you've done enough to get locked up for a little while. Yeah. Get in the system.

Three meals a day. Yeah. No one can cut. yeah finally get some rest yeah there's only one place that's safe

my god prison yeah isolation and also the suicide thing is true you're not in genpop

they're gonna put you in a padet little cell which is not better than a cell with some fucking savage yeah that's rest time dude yeah

you just get in there and you plan the comeback yeah start making plays get into your playbook redraw the playbook for whatever sixth grade school you're going to teach that whatever pop water team you're going to coach

yeah just back back to square one I'd be sick if you like Dave Chappelle did it and just like dyed his skin white coach trying to get back to his normal position yeah he could he could Michael jacks in the situation just called himself Frederick I'm a coach brilliant brilliant move shut up I mean I mean that's a great idea now that you bring it up like that yeah it's when

you're always thinking sad boy you know and I don't think that often I think sad but you think like sad boy like sad boy mentality of going if this is purpose what if he was like

I gotta get the fuck out of here for a little bit yeah dude well it's you know it's like you got to you got to look at people you got to analyze you yeah you don't want to get tricked

yeah you know you know you know You know, if I'm the judge, if I'm the judge in that courtroom, I go, uh-uh. I know what you're doing. You're not going to do. House arrest.

He pulls out a real knife. Vacation with your wife. I sent you to 14 days in South Jersey with your wife. Yeah. You're going skiing. The flight's getting diverted. Yeah. All your kids are going.

We're going to put them up. Flats get it. It's getting diverted. You're going to have to take a bus. Just give them a help to you. You're just going to. sit in the tarmac for three hours. Yep.

Your kids aren't. Take a train. Take a train to Pekipsy. And you're going to bust to Iowa. Then we'll get you to Puerto Rico. On a chicken coop. That's such a brilliant idea, dude.

It's just the worst travel place. For someone that cheats on their wife, dude. Yeah. Here's your sentence. The worst travel to go somewhere with your wife, dude. That's a death sentence. It's so funny.

Yeah. Hey, babe. Yeah. I cheated on you, and it cost me $12.5 million. Oops. But the judge ordered us to go rock climbing. We have to learn how to skydye first. It was national news, and I made it.

global news. It's crazy. It's very, it's very, it's sad. It's sad. It is sad. I don't care at all. I think it's great.

It's great for the sport. It's fucking, fuck college football. I don't care. I don't give a shit. I love Notre Dame for you guys. I rule for them. I don't care at all.

And seeing, seeing these, to me, like head coaches in college remind me of like pastors. like Uber rich pastors Yeah, a little bit They're scumbags A lot of them

They get overpaid And they're real fucking Slimy dirt bags That are fucking all the cheerleaders Hoking up with like kids They're hooking up with college kids With Urban Meyer Was like fingering some chick

At a fucking Irish pub Oh yeah, that rules Ain't bad I didn't get to the bad stuff Let me get to the bad stuff That's when he was on the Jaguars Yeah, yeah Yeah

That was why They're all fucking scumbags, dude. Yeah, yeah. They're fucking stress. Again, we said this before. To get to that level of coaching, you have to be a complete pile of shit. What was the actual scandal with the girl? Did he, it was just that you can't sleep with a coworker, right?

Which one? Sharon Moore. Yeah, it turns out when you're married with kids, you can't sleep with a coworker. No, I know, I know. But, like, it's not against law. Marriage law, it is. Marriage law? Yeah, it's why you can.

get the government involved with marriage it's a contract you're under contract we're gonna talk sports you're under contract yeah yeah but you can't do that at all I looked into it Chris oh yeah yeah I'm engaged

you can't do that at all well they can get you can get divorced for any old reason for sure yeah yeah but you don't get divorced because she'll take half your shit if you just want to knock around some slam pig that's in the fucking dorms next I'm not saying it's wrong i'm just saying what's wrong is the fact that he he didn't do anything criminal up until

right yeah right she wasn't like underage or something no no no from what i would i gather he was being aggressive and stalking her after she broke it off don't quote me on this i think i think this is the gist of it i thought that was just like they were hooking up for a while she broke it off going stop this is crazy and then he threatened her like he started stalking her in a way before he went to her house like he was just like no so this

wasn't just something that unfolded right after he got fired this was he had been stalking her for a while yeah so that's why she went to the university she came to the university with fucking receipts gone hey just so you know this guy's we've had a relationship and this

is the this is what he's been sending me and this is what I feel threatened for my sent that to the university the university then fires him and then he goes to her house and it's like well now my blood's on your hands god what a look dude there's no pussy on earth that's worth that dude no 25 grand my girl's going to a fucking wood chipper dude not mine oh my god you know what i mean i just leave it alone yeah dude of course hopefully the university ignores it I can't imagine how many

scenarios that's happened in right with like a coach going hey we just got this email from this girl you gotta stop fucking around dude you got a wife and kids at home dude you got a job you gotta you got things to handle here we're in the big 10

stalking is the most pathetic fucking thing on earth dude on earth I would rather bird water I'd rather go to Central Park and just look for a fucking oriole yeah of course that actually sounds like nice it's like

you're right you're like yeah I'd rather have a fucking picnic on a beautiful sunny day in a nice park I'd rather kayaking than Puerto Rico I'm sorry you're not wrong you're not wrong I was trying to associate the bird watching with like looking through a fucking window you dickhead I'm looking for birds instead of looking through a bathroom window at some chick I'm trying to dog

just Christ you know what I meant tithe you shit this whole bitch god damn I'd rather sit in a fucking park with benign and see beautiful birds migrating.

I'd really get a massage and get sucked off by a Filipino teenager. Jesus. Yeah, now that's, now we're on the level. Yeah, that's what I meant. Now you're back on the level is, yeah. That's what I meant. That's as bad as stalking. Yeah.

It's as pathetic and sad as stalking. It is sad. It's sad to be latched onto something that doesn't want you. Yeah, just take the no. Everyone's been with it. There's so many people out there. Dude, it's fucking, I mean, I lost a brother. I know.

So many people out there. There's so many people. Go birdwatching in another park. There's so many Orioles. Yeah, everyone can be a brother if you think about it. Everybody's an Oriole. There's an Oriole in every city. Yeah, just, dude, just don't.

If someone's like, I don't like. Don't ruin Christmas. Yeah, exactly. someone goes i don't like what you're doing just walk away oh man it's the best part walk away best part is the healing you know like a muscle tear when you're fucking working out you know why your muscles grow because they tear and they bundle up yeah and then the fibers get thicker and grow back together and they lock up and they get thicker thicker and stronger yeah that's the heart

every time you break up with somebody muscles tear but then they get bigger it's true i guess it's like for the most part yeah like you kind of wanted to go the other way right it's like most relationships you're like i wish they would whatever the opposite of stalking is yeah just like i wish this person would run yeah away from me buddy i've literally been on the street running from an ex-girlfriend yeah and she just kept chasing yeah that and you're like i don't know how to say this but we're done and I'm sorry I love you but like we can't do this

running after me and I start running It's like the evidence is all around us Yeah The fact that you're chasing me down the street We're in public Yeah You can't recover from this

Yeah yeah just at least like do it Call me 65 times Yeah From like a secure location Yeah Don't You don't chase people You don't do it in the

streets chase me down Steinway in Queens I was tripped over a dollar store oh my god good Lord it's it's so crazy in those moments because you can't believe what you're doing I know this is kind of misogynistic but like you only hear about the the stalking is usually from the woman's perspective

like yeah from what I hear publicly it's like usually in that woman's being stopped in that power dynamic is what I mean like yeah when someone is a head coach of a major university, rich as hell, he's got a side family. Usually that would be like,

hey man, stop fucking this girl because she's going to show up at your house and pretend to kill herself with a butter night. Yes, exactly. And she doesn't really want to kill herself, but she's fucking nuts.

Yes. Because she wants all of the things you have. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For that power dynamic, the shift, it's very rare. It sounds like she was like, yeah. Dude, that shirt button of a pussy. It's got to be unbelievable.

I was going to say, I was going to say level-headed. We're talking. Dude, we're talking. We're talking the grip of like an iron worker with like the interior palm of like a sea otter skin. That pussy must be crazy, dude. Crazy, boy. don't know man i know it's such a hack joke but like i think it's what is what is making you do shit like that yeah i don't know that's that's a weak it's a weak mindset it is a weak mindset it's

a totally weak mindset this is why he'll never get back to where he needs to be it's true it's true it's true you can't even what this reveals is more about his qualities as a bingo it's character yeah yeah because you can you can you can you can there's an excuse for going hey man you slipped up you know you're you're you're taking advantage of your power you slept with somebody shouldn't have and not only that but that actually tried to save you it sounds like yeah the story yeah yeah yeah well is she goes this is nuts you got to calm down which is like i mean that's like manna from heaven that should never happen and you still you start stalking yeah dude i hope this is you're a multi-millioner head coach of football team what you go to any college bar

those little fucking piglets are going to be all over you Porketta for days You get porquetta for days Pre-order Pick it up at the farm Sorry for making that piece Chunky meat and cheese over there What'd you call?

Yeah meat and cheese chunks Meat and cheese chunks It's so much funny with the chunks at the end Word placement Very powerful I know. Meat and cheese chunks. I know. Really changes them.

Don't look now. He's a writer, dude. Beat you. God. How good does this feel, huh? Yeah, it's nice. Be you next to each other? That's nice.

I also miss Texas, man. Yeah? Yeah, it's so nice being down here. Yeah, it's great. Yeah. I miss the, yeah. You got in last night? Got in last night.

Went up a few years. Yeah, yeah. First B-day. I got in there early. had two tree mezcows maybe uh three doubles still whacking that mezcal i'm whacking mescal i love mescal man that's it it's pretty good it's the best it's pretty good it's the best around ain't nothing like it i got this little fucking meat and cheese chunks into it you're mescal man yeah yeah yeah wow yeah and this kid again pallet

pallet of a skateboard this kid's this kid's tongue is dead what do you talk he just yeah he doesn't like He doesn't like anything. Yeah. Really? Why? What adventures have you gone on? Everything we've ever fucking made. That's not true.

No, no. Dude, let me tell you. If I turn my back, you'd be spitting my food in his sink. That's not true. I just didn't like beef tartar. What? I just didn't like beef tartar.

Well, you're scared of it. No, I just didn't like. You're scared. You're right. He's scared. He's not a mustard guy. He doesn't like mustard. All right, let's keep going.

Forgot about that. He doesn't like mustard. That's the only thing that you made that I haven't liked. The fuck are you talking about. you don't like mustard I don't like it but there's got to be what's a mustard adjacent flavor

vinegar any vinegar I like vinegar there's vinegar and ketchup why do you like mustard you like mustard seeds why do you like mustard I don't know

that does feel like a hill you gotta climb though the mustard situation to not like it just to like it you know to like break it down you know what I mean doesn't it feel like

mustard's getting the best of you I just don't That's how I feel about the tomato. You know, I'm trying to get into eating tomatoes. Yeah. Because it's like, I don't like that I, you know, I don't like what the tomatoes. It rules my life, you know. Yeah.

That I have to avoid it. It's like, no, fuck you, tomato. Yeah. What if muster broke into your house and tried to kill itself with a butter knife? Yeah. Would you like it then? Would you like that? Or would you contact the administration?

Try and get your job back. Yeah. Trying to think of Yeah Look at them I just I don't know why I don't like it

Yeah I tell you why Did something happen Mustard There was something There we go Okay What happened with mustard Naked uncle

Hot tub Here comes the plane And Uh It Dude I just I just imagine

Like the hot talk commercial where it's like a perfect long string on his bird here comes a plane just shoving his weird Irish bird in your mouth meat and cheese chunks eating it all

oh my god we did a I went to Catholic daycare could be more of a hack start went to this Catholic daycare let me take why I don't like Jesus Christ.

Talk about a popcorn trail of where we're going here. Let me guess. No, I just didn't. We did like a, we did like a fear factor thing when I was like fourth grade. And one of the things like they were like, but it was like Catholic daycare. So the challenge were daycare in fourth grade. It was like after school. Oh.

Wait, hold on. That's why we're getting somewhere It's like an after school program After school you went to a fucking daycare With other kids I guess it would have just been at daycare They lost It would have just been an after school program

Fourth grade It was an after school program How are you in fourth grade? It's called New and Catholic Daycare What are you like eight That's not good Yeah Jesus Christ dude

Go to a fucking park Throw a football with a friend Play stick ball Yeah No he was assigned the daycare. Your parents put you in your parents fucking date.

It was an after school program. I don't know. It was just right next to my house. You rich? No. The opposite. And so the

said like a rich thing, adult daycare. Yes. Yes, dude. Adult daycare is going to a fucking plate ground. I don't know. That sounds like court orders.

Go outside. Well, I had nowhere to go after school. My parents didn't get home, get all. Off work to like five or six Jesus Christ I didn't know you were gay dude Alright so you're at daycare and someone what made you eat a ton of mustard

It was yeah there was a there was a yes essentially yeah it was like a fear factor thing so they but they were all watered down for kids at Catholic daycare Yeah so it was stupid things like you know like eating like at the one that got me The people that ran the daycare were doing this yes yeah it was like it was like a event that they put on. And I don't know, man. I made it to the finals. I made it to the finals. I bet you did.

And the finals were eating four spoons of mustard. So you ate four spoonfuls of mustard. Is that like an impossible thing for the human body or what? That doesn't sound like that. Are you saying mustard powder or mustard? Mustard on a thing. That was one of the challenges. So that turned you off.

Yeah. So you were bullied into not like a mustard because some pedophile. What? When you were at daycare at fucking eight years old Made you eat mustard Yeah You got a power through that dude This does sound like

A special needs situation A hundred percent It's gotta be What Yeah Is that my baseball? They're just Yeah

They call it daycare It's after school They're making you eat mustard You're way too old To be going to an after school program Unless it was yesterday Dude, only Jews go to camp when they're older. Come on, Tommy.

I'm saying, like, they go to, like, summer camp and shit. Oh, I thought you were... Yeah, that's a young thing. It's too old. To be eight years old and going to an after-school program. It was an after-school program. They called it Newman Catholic Daycare. What else do they do, though?

What are we normalizing this? Were you, like, matching... Well, was I supposed to, like, survive when I was eight? I don't know. Did they feed you? Yeah, you hang out with your fucking friends. Throw football. I don't know

skateboard or some shit Do anything in the In the world His friends were probably at the date Yeah Everybody went there Iowa Yeah

Yeah Parents are working late They gotta do something With the kids Dude I didn't see my parents No I know Ever

Good older Well I guess I had an older brother too though My older brother was never Around either Plus like Where you were Yeah You were in like farm country

What's the look you're given now What is that I was trying to think of a bit I couldn't. He looks like he was going to kill me. He was concealing a lot. Yeah, yeah. It's my brothers.

Dude, if you were to lie, he should have lied before he started this story. I would have made this all a lot. That's crazy, dude. But no, it wasn't farm country. It was like, well, it was near farm country, but it was like the city within the, it was like the, it was like the, all right, metropolitan. for that area. Do you get what I mean?

Yeah, two stoplights instead of one. Yeah, we had a Walmart. Yeah. Oh, we had the Walmart. Yeah.

That's what people called it. Buffalo Wildlings, too, right next to a big night, dude. That's why you were searching for Buffalo. You know after school sports?

Yeah, I did. I have so many questions, man. They didn't play like, you want to like an instrument. Do you play an instrument? No, no instruments.

I played Pop Warner, played baseball. So they had probably the whole range of options. Chorus. I don't know, I don't know, I just had to go there. I just remember I would get dropped off. Baseball, I would go from...

What's your problem with your memory? How, you're old? You're 10 years old, nine years old? Yeah, I can remember it. You're fucking nine, going to a daycare. Yeah. So they drop you off. It was an every school program.

What was the age range? It was people from up until like 7th, 8th grade. This is disgusting. What are you, but why are you, you, I see where you're coming from, but I, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's other world, man of it to me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go home, drop your fucking bag off.

Get out of your clothes. Get out of your clothes. Paper out. Go fucking play sports. Or just go fuck off. We would do that stuff at that place. It was like a, just like a. All right.

So you're just calling it like, it's kind of like a play pen in a sense. Yeah. I mean, it's, it was called. I love how I'm like, let's dumb down daycare. Let's call it. Let's call it a play pen. I'm going the wrong way It was like an old building

That like had like a huge field And a trash around it And you would play Yeah You'd been there as a basketball Yeah Like light adult supervision Yeah

Yeah yeah yeah All right Well I'm still pissed They fucking This pervert made you eat So much mustard So that you don't like mustard That's a very

There might be like a lot To unpacking this Yeah Like because you've lost It sounds like Yeah Yeah You couldn't finish the mustard

Yeah I'll tell you what There's there's mustard and every sauce I make. I put grape upon in almost every single sauce. It's a key ingredient because of it's insinity.

I'm seeing a... I do like things when I when mustard's in it and I don't know that mustard's in it. Yeah. That's how I know it's not about... Yeah, that it's psychosomatic. Yeah.

Because I found out my mom made like sloppy Joe's with mustard and I didn't realize until I watched your make it. Sloppy Joe. Dude, every story gets sadder. Yeah.

And what are you like bag chilling in Yemen? I feel like, We need to let go. Bagged chili. Yeah, it's so funny. It's so funny. I thought you said, no wonder you were able to bag.

children in Yemen. That's what I thought you said. Same thing. What else you're going to do there? There's no daycare. I mean, that is the positive killing innocent children.

You can close all the daycares. Yeah, we made you to do mustard intervention. Yeah, man. Don't do that. I like this. No, we're not going to waterboard you with mustard. It's just like you got to just slowly.

You can't look. let these things yeah take hold of your life yeah yeah yeah once you open it up do you don't

do you have a sensitive stomach no yeah so then just throw whatever is on the plate down your gullet you're gonna find some things

what if I make some hard boiled uh mm-mm we're gonna say deviled eggs I hate deviled eggs I fucking love

deviled eggs I'm thinking about making deviled eggs for our Christmas dinner tomorrow yeah devil eggs are great. There's mustard and the deviled eggs. I know, that's why I don't like them.

What, uh, what, uh, what circle of hell do you devil them up to? You know, because it's you, there's gotta be a bunch of ways. Do you put a little pickle pickle situation in there? Pickle juice or pickles on top? I, I've seen like a real like chopped like, almost like a relishy type cut. Yeah. But not with the slop. It's like Cornishon's kind of thing. Yeah. They do that often. Chop that up. Yeah. Mix that into the, to the, to the no. Purists. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. correct? Yeah. Smoke paprika. You know? Yeah. Mustard egg yolk. You know, just the good stuff, man. I got a piping bag. I got the little tips. I can make a little fancy. Yeah,

that's nice. A little paprika. Buddy, you're going to love them. Who had bacon chips? You've been bacon chips? Dude, we were big bakos. Bacon bits. Sorry. No. Weren't they called bacon bits as bakos yeah yeah bacon bits yeah probably but you just call them bakos bacon you know what I mean all right I'm not wrong right

yeah yeah we had those we were big bakers family always got becos disgusting they're like pork rinds for fake bacon it's pre-chop bacon it's great yeah that's what they said that's what it is there's no fucking way there's no way that was all preservatives and fake shit

oh I'm sure that's good for you I do like a strip of bacon on top Just a tiny little slither I think you chop it You chop it and sprinkle it You chop it and sprinkle it Yeah

It's like that dude from What was that? You're a star A big star What was that character? Your money maybe Yeah Not money

He had braids You get balls Yeah Try using things Yep. Oh, that guy's so good. He fucking rules. Everybody's got a poop.

Everybody's got a poop. Everybody's got a poop. All right, Christopher. Yeah. Enjoy the episode. I hope you guys had a nice time. I'll be in Chicago this weekend. And hopefully I'll see you there at the improv.

yeah somebody posted that bears are playing are bears playing green bay there's a there's a big game on good that'll be good but you're out in the bout you're in the country yeah they still watch football out there

true they don't like mustard either yeah it's gonna rough you know those fucking animals ain't eat mustard that's actually all that eats powdered mustard yeah isn't it Chicago dogs got mustard oh yeah dude It has everything.

That's a mess, dude. The Chicago dog. Yeah, I kind of, I like it. I like the, I like the, I like the energy of it. Yeah, I agree with that. I like the attitude. I like the idea of it. Yes.

Yeah. It's like a, like a muffaletta is like an Italian hoagie for the South. But they make an olive salad instead of like a cherry pepper. It's just all olives. And there's shit that falls out that's like celery and like, cauliflower, like the Gardinia for Italians, which is pickled pickled veg.

And it's just, it's a lot. It's a lot of shick on it, which I love. I love it. I think it's great. The muffletta, it's a decent, it's a, it's southern. It sounds like something I wouldn't like. The muffoletta? Yeah. Yeah. Dude. You don't want your daughter date to muffa letter.

I don't want my mouth around a muffa letter. Underwater cameras. for the bull for laughs I'm not going to let my boys know about it right let's see you next week yeah see ya

yeah