Stuff Island - James McCann + Andrew Wolfe - Stuff Island #203

Episode Date: September 24, 2025

Tommy Pope is joined this week by James McCann and Andrew Wolfe! Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel  @LookatDish  where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians Get a 7-Day Free Trial + 50% Off your first month with code [STUFFISLAND]. Just download the HOF app on iOS or Android, enter code [STUFFISLAND], and you’re all set Head to https://www.squarespace.com/STUFFISLAND to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code [STUFFISLAND]. See thicker, stronger, faster-growing hair with less shedding in just 3-6 months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners ten dollars off your first month’s subscription and free shipping when you go to https://www.Nutrafol.com and enter the promo code STUFF Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to https://www.RocketMoney.com/stuffisland today SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, we're on now. We're just started. That's how we start. In Australia, we edit it so we seem funny. Do you know what it is? You've got to edit out about 80% of it. There's a smaller talent pool. Thank you for letting me bring Wolfie along, by the way.

Dude, sorry, yeah, with mediocrity, you have to edit around it. Yeah, we edit out our best bits, which is like the N-word and stuff like that. Yeah, that is. You've got to join the Patreon for that. That's the Stuff Island Patreon. Patreon.com slash Stuff Island. Head over there. Dude, I feel like I'm going to get an upskirt on this angle, an upskirt shot.

Dude, that's the first comment is my, I wear five-inch shorts and then when you sit down, it becomes like two and a half. Dude, you look good in that. I've seen it. It's a big packet. This is how you start a podcast. Tommy's too handsome. It's actually, it's upsetting when you follow Tommy at the club. There's women.

You're well put together. They make noises. They go, oh. They make bizarre noise. And then all the lady comics and the servers line up. for a hug, and I hear them go, I'm a very pleasing man. Tell me, you smell so good.

I like, I like to hug people. That's the thing you're dressed for a wedding. I've done five cents here this week. I've not got one hug. I've got no comments on my smell. Well, you got to, you got to, you got to start, you got to start being that guy. Yeah, you got to be.

You wear a line, right? Yeah. You got to wear, I've always liked to smell. I think this is a poor brain thing. My mother taught me this because growing up, they didn't have, they didn't have much. And she instilled in us, you dress well and you smell well.

Yeah, yeah, that's the moon. No one knows, dude. Nobody knows. It's like getting a suit in Africa. That's who you're doing. You kill it. Yeah, but I'm not selling cell phones and sandals. Is that way, Africans are all wearing those suits?

They all have. You see the Africans, beautiful, strange. They come out of like a little whatever. I want to. They don't have as many years. They come out and they've got a thousand dollar seat. You don't have as many Africans here in America, I feel, per capita. African Americans, for sure.

But we've got, you know. Oh, that's not true. No, you've got to go to certain parts of the country. Right, New York City. You've filled any metropolitan area. Down here in Texas, I don't think I've seen. No, I don't have any. You did the movement early.

Yeah. You haven't done much transition for a few years. The Italians are very different here. Very. Yeah. Because we've got 70s Italians. We've got post-war Italians and you've got 150 years of settling into the American experience. And it's a different Italian, right?

100%. Because you get frozen whenever you move. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. That version of Italy gets captured as you move and then they're nostalgic. for it. It was nice to go home to Philly and New York and see a bunch of whops. It made me feel.

Because I miss them. They're very special. I didn't know you were allowed to use that word. Oh, I can. I'm half a wok. Are we about to say wog in Australia again? Wog is our wop. What's a wog?

An Italian? It's Italian plus. The Italians were the number one. So anything darker than a peach is a wog? Yeah. Lebanese, Greeks. Even the Spanish get included. You can't.

They congeal into the same. You can't in Australia, but we're being scolded for it. Are we being told about? So we're aware not to do it. The best part about being racist is giving a name for each color. That's right. Yeah, dude. Oh, no.

You can't just group them all in. That's boring as far. Tell me, you acting like skin. I don't know how you're doing about that. You acted very bad. Well, you say swarthy. Swarthy, yeah. Swarthly, yeah.

Would they get angry if you said that to them? No, that's like a secret word. Okay, you don't say that too. It's a secret word in taste you, dude. They don't know about it. Oh, wow. But true, like, true whops, like old school wops that are, like, you know, racist or whatever, they just do, they do this. Really?

What's that? They'll be like, uh, what's he look like? Oh, really? I didn't know you could do that. You do this, I mean, they're black. They're black. Did they do that? You don't know anybody does this?

Is he one of these? No, but I thought that was just a twitch. I do this for Jews. I do that for Jews. I do that for Jew. It's like a baseball. It's their baseball. I know me.

You do the signals. Yeah. I just run me and two of my buddies one was this one was this yeah now I can look we do them for Italians sometimes well yeah yeah yeah like this right there we've got that yeah yeah yeah see you're racist oh we got to I think we all are really of course you should we just we just hide a little bit there's a term you gotta hide it

have you seen a truly racist when you see a man that's truly racist it's disgusting and horrifying yeah it's all playful and ironic until until you see someone calls you out yeah yeah but this is what the Fnix understand it was meant to be a joke I love everyone. You're swarthy. If you look at the, like, in the mainstream culture, it's like we should make fun of one another. We should all be very respectful.

You meet the Indians or the Chinese at the office. You're all very happy to make fun of being Indian or Chinese. I think the problem is the TV shows and the movies and the blogs are being written by the very strange, autistic women. Jews. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's one way of putting it. But no, it's always, you know, if you see the Chinese girl who's like the face of anti-racism. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jews have done more to break down racism than any people. Yeah, they separate us. I love the Jews. This is good. Clip that up. Yeah. Did you see, on the topic of you, man, do you see Tucker Carlson at the Charlie Kirk commemoration?

Was he crying? No, he was giggling in his weird giggle. Really? And he's trying to make the point that Charlie Kirk was starting to turn on Israel and maybe Jews killed him. It's very clear that he's saying. So he goes like, who can forget? This is what he says at a commemoration with, you know, it's the Arizona Bowl or something. Yeah.

And he goes, these, we remember when our lord, when people in the Middle East would gather in a dark room eating hummus planning to kill a good man. And it's like, oh, tuck. You can't be doing that. Oh, that's why you go to that event. You want to see somebody rile up some energy. They had fireworks. They had fireworks? Yes.

That rules. Dude, but you can't change someone's politics at the last minute. Do you know what I mean? It's like the deathbed inheritance where you go, nah, it was for the queen. You changed it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know when they changed it as they were dying? And they go, nah, bequested to this.

I'm going to have a water slide. Oh. A bowl of Coke. As soon as you come in. Make it a party. I always wanted a thunderbirds thing. You know how the pool would slide away and a rocket would come out. Yeah.

That's nice. That would be cool if I shut up into the sky at the end. That rules. I want to be flushed down at Toyota. Did you see that if I can surrounded by shit like I was in life. drowning in it. You're an American now. I think you can make it here, Wolfie.

Oh, dude, I hope so. I was good. I wouldn't even be fertile. You'll be shocked that the doors that will open to you here that were closed back home. Dude, I've already bombed the initial tryout. He was at the mother's ship last night and he's not happy with how it went. Oh, dude, the thing was, the early bits weren't working. Do you know what I mean?

It didn't translate. It was too Australian. And then you suddenly go into a spiral. Right. Did you see Adam staring at you? Your lips are sticking together. And you're like, I can't invent a new act now. I don't know what the Americans want.

It's too late. That's good. These Australian jokes normally work. Your opener is just dead silence. People staring at you. Like you've got a head trauma. And then you look at everyone and you're like, what the fuck? It's most of the fucking mothership people are watching as well.

Did you see it? I have heard about it from many sources. But I will say the Velvita went well. I'm sure I'll give you another shot. I'm sure I'll give you another shot. I need a second swing. I fumbled a bag. I think you'll get the extra swing.

It's like the first date. I can't. early let me have another go i'll fix it yeah it's pressure though yeah i know because you're in there it's intimidating it's very daunting thank god a kill tony looks intense yeah it is you're in there like being bullied at the back of the bus yeah oh so you did the little boy during kill tonny i did little boy it's not even big yeah yeah i just had a panic attack i don't know if it was the pressure it's a genuinely scary environment i just needed the first laugh i needed a pop you didn't have You never got one pop?

I got some pops. I got a little clap near the end. But I think it was a pinn-clap. This man got a standing ovation and he's talking it down. I don't know how to... No, you've heard from many people. No, I have, yeah. They barely look me in the eye.

I was wandering around like a... Well, you look him in the eye a lot. Yeah, but you know when you can feel it when comics are avoiding the stink? Yeah. They're like, who's this guy? Do you know what I mean? And you're like, nice to meet you.

I did that crowd later on. That was a dud crowd. They weren't happy with anything. That was three hours later. So I don't know, maybe you did it. But yeah, they did say the night turned after myself dropped away. What time did you go on? Oh, dude, it was early as well.

Straight after the open mics. Yeah. I should have been in with the open mics as it turned out. There were a lot of open mics that did a lot better than being. Just strangers from the street. They leave the lights on for them though. Yeah, I had the lights still on. Oh, that's fine.

That's a light on gig. Wait, what do you mean the lights were on? At the start of those shows, they leave the lights on so that comedians have to work harder. If you're auditioning, if you're not, once all the past people, come on. They turn the lights off. It's like, now we can have good sets.

They make you... You're not seeing this? They make you... It's an old comedy store thing. They leave the lights on because people won't laugh when the lights are on. It's much harder.

Oh, dude, I didn't know that. You've got to beat it. You probably did great. Because that's what killed me because I could see everyone's faces looking at me in disgust. Oh my God.

I didn't know that. That's what I mean. The pressure. That's crazy. I could see everyone. I could see Adam. I can see all the faces. Oh my God.

What is wrong. What is wrong. The lights are on. overcome the lights you've got to be so good i couldn't know it's like a deer in the headlines yeah yeah yeah dude you're so comfortable there now you've gone over that dissociation i got to do my audition when i hadn't slept in about 40 hours and i didn't know what was going that's what you need yeah and i didn't know it was an audition i just thought i was doing a spot and then afterwards people went the audition went well and i went okay yeah yeah i'm glad i didn't know i would have

been i did the same thing when i my first set here was uh Shane and friends and was in the fat man yeah that's perfect and i got up to the green room and adam was like great set dude you're so comfortable up there and i was like thank you should i didn't know you're watching and he goes tell to give tony your uh your dates and i thought tony had a show that i could jump on tony's show no i didn't know i was past wow that's amazing that's what you need you didn't get that last night i got nothing he said that was that was cute he said something he wanted me to go away and then i was trying to win it back by riffing in the green room and that's the worst move.

You got, you went into the green room? No, not green room, but down in midsies. You know when you're trying to be funny offstage? That's a real power move to just sneak into that green room. The Tony Hinchcliffe green room. Oh boy, that's gone well for so many people accidentally going into that green room. Dude, there's some dangerous security. First time I went in that green room, I was walked out immediately.

I didn't know I was making a mistake. Hey man, how's it going? You go, oh, it's going good. I thought it was a real question. And then the son got up and said, come with me. Come with me now. Because you don't realize it, but they've all got. the UFC is.

You know the dog ears? Yeah. And then you're like, these are killers. Some of them don't. I saw like a GI Joe. They've got knives. They look like you snap your neck.

They're all sweet. They're very nice guys. My brother was there with them. My brother said, you all look like you've got knives. And they immediately, just on a queue. Like six guys,

they took a knife out. Yeah, yeah. And it's like the Secret Service man. Because they caught someone last night. And they're all over it. They're on radios. And they got the guy on camera. He stole something from,

he stole something from the mother year something small like a bottle I think it might have been a bottle of water and they hunted them down they went out on lime scooters and found them they approached a group and then they found them because they had the cameras

do you know what I mean and they were able to spot them and get it returned I don't know if there's a water bottle it could have been like a picture on the water tag what could you what could you take oh you could take I don't know I'm trying to think of audience facing things because there's a lot of knickknacks backstage you could take oh just the water

The exit, there's just pictures on the walls. Like, what else could you... You don't get... You could reach you to the merch store on the way out the door. You'd grab some socks. True. I thought, I got used to the security. I'm used to it now.

And then I go out on the road and the security's not there. I was in Omaha on the weekend. It was dreadful. She said, talk about gingers. I said, I'm good. I'm good. And then she stood up and said, I'm a ginger. And I said, okay.

And then she whipped her boobs out, which sounds like it's going to be great. That sounds amazing. But it's not. Yeah. In the middle of a show? Yeah. So I tried to give a hint. Let's get a...

I said, whoa, that's the sort of thing that gets a lady kicked out of the show. Yeah. And I kept going. And 10 minutes later, she got her boobs out again. Oh, man. She just kept getting her boobs out again. I don't know what they were doing. Yeah.

But, uh... What did you do? So it just continues. I just kept... Because it feels like she's gone too far. I plowed on through the show. And I think I made, I didn't attack her boobs. They were perfectly fine.

Did you tell her to put them back? I said she just leave them out. Away. Well, I tried to do a joke about it And I think the security thought I was being serious Because I said like If she does that seven more times

Get her out of here Or she's a great big fat person Dude when did she? She's a medium fat Did she get them? Not bad looking Genuinely not a bad looking lady Was it why you were crushing

Like on a big pop? It was going okay And then the And then you sort of go It's not a great time For me to have an erection Actually right now Yeah

How good would that be in a special Well they cut to the crowd And it's like What are your big crushes And people are pulling their tops Yeah That's what you want on that This is great.

You'd kill it. Should we start now? Oh, dude, I've run out of stuff. I'm bombing in this as well. No one knows me. You're great. You're great. It's why the lights are on. Dude, so you told her to put them back?

I said, put those big milky tetties away. And she did, but then she got a mat again. Omaha, early show, too frosty, late show, too many tits. When was your early show? That's your problem. It was like 6.15 and the other one was 9. That's crazy. You wanted to come to it at 8 p.m.

First of all, a redhead in Omaha. What are we talking? They got a lot of gyms. Look, she's a beautiful lady. She must have. Beautiful people. How many legs did she have? They're beautiful people.

What are your fans like? Are you proud of them? It's a weird blend. It's a weird blend of very conservative Catholics and kill Tony degenerates coming together. That's good. Sweet one. Yeah. Dude, do you think they almost need to be separated?

The stuff island, Matt and Shane, the Philly boy audience is right in the middle. That's bridging the gap between truly degenerates and very, very uptight Catholics. Yeah. But like, they like to drink and like to have fun. Mike, I mean, I don't know if one gets a better deal for having this fan base because the alcohol that they consume is. Yeah, it's crazy. And that's what matters, hey, for the venues, alcohol sales.

You met Matt and Shane the week before me, like a day before me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. You were in Perth. They started in Perth. Yeah, I was the start of the wrong. I was in the show. They didn't know what to expect on that tour in Australia. I was, I don't know if I said this, yeah.

No, you haven't. I've never heard of this. They were performing at a small, like a town hall. It was like a three, 400 cedar. and they ran out of beer because they weren't expecting every man to go in there and immediately buy four beers

So all of the bros in their You know like Sixers jerseys Had to buy white wines Yeah Dude and that's in Australia They're probably catered for like Eight cans each

Yeah So they're breaking new record Are you monkeys still drinking fosters? No one ever drank fosters No that was a American thing You don't even use it If I can clean your car engine No one touches it

What's the beer in Australia Very regional It depends It depends extremely regionally specific. What's it called? VB, emu bitter.

Each one has a bitter, something bitter. I shout out. Cooper's, great family on brewery. EBS. They bet to have beer. What? Which one?

EMEU bitter. They only have it in birth. They have emu export. We call them bushchews. They don't export it anywhere. There's no exported Australian beer or lager. It depends where you are, hey? No, I mean, like you do.

What we export to like the UK and stuff. Every country has a fucking exported beer. What are we have throwny? That we, that's, that's, we, that's, that's, we, that's, that's we pretend that it's Fosters. Yeah. But no one drinks it. I think we ship it all out.

Wow. And I think in Australia it can be Fosters or Crown Lager. And it might be the same version. But here's a fancier bottle. Yes. Crown Lager is the cool, uh, business, 50-year-old businessman at a strip club. That used to be at your 21st.

You were rich. Yeah. I never had that. But I'd heard about it. It's just, you can't put two Australians in the same room. I feel like I'm on coat. Why are you mean?

Your boys get riled up. I mean, you'll get a big Aussie audience for this one. You'll get a big Aussie audience for this one. You'll get a spike because Wolfie's here. No, dude, I'm unknown. Is Wolfie a legend in Australia? No, Wolfie has a real niche cult audience.

It's so small. It's so small that I'm not well there. This will ripple around the comedy scene. This is a good setup for you, for your Australia tour. Dude, it's all going to be bullying. I want to start, I'm going to start. I can bring the Americans out. Dude, there's apparently, we got a good.

You guys are popular, dude. You do very well. I recognize you. I just didn't want to tell you. Yeah, yeah. You're better off. I'm like, yeah, that guy, I know, that guy, whatever the... What's the tap?

You just drag your thumb. What's this? You're pink. You drag it down. Yeah. Yeah, man. But, yeah, the bears, dude, but that was... Like you're dimming the lights in an apartment?

You're dimming their skin color. But dude, that was the notorious thing, because I met Matt and Shane and then went on their pod, blackout, blackout drunk. Yeah. And then there was nothing I could do to fix it. Yeah, so your own too, huh? I just woke up the next day to people on Reddit, going, yeah, this is the most obnoxious freak we've ever heard. And you know the problem was, we had great riffs four hours earlier.

Yeah. But you know when you're drunk, then you just repeat them again. What's your deal? What do you mean? My accent? You do your whole thing. Like you're, uh, I'm just, I think it was dropped as a baby. You're rambunctious and I fucking, what do you mean? I like the energy. He's got a beautiful weird life story. Say it. I want to hear it. My story. Yeah. I've been all over the place. Why are you wired like this? What do you mean? It's just bipolar. Yeah. He was a high finance guy. High-powered finance. Yeah, I was full finance.

The story going around the scene was that you would take people's retirement savings. Australians can't access their retirement savings, but you can transfer them to somebody. Cocaine in Australia's got to be, what, $1,000 for a ball? It's 400 a gram. It's not really cocaine either. 350, if it's really bad quality. But it's very bad. Were you getting a hold of people's retirement savings and reinvesting them?

I was in a full boiler room. It was Wolf of Wall Street. We had to do 300 calls a day to, like, cold calling and then convince people to give their return money. And you had to close 10 people a month. And I did it for years. What did that pay out? Let's see.

What was your monthly salary? Mate, well, I did that early on. You don't get paid much. Do you know what I mean? Because you're going to get the license. I eventually set up my own stockbroking business and had the clients. That was paying all right. Probably not by your numbers, not podcast money.

I don't know how much money you think I'm making. It was good. I came after the Patreon boom. You guys got in. You got in with that COVID Patreon wave. Babe, you're up next. Your house is huge This is ostentatious

This is not yours This is Chris's Dude you can get lost in this house There's room after room Yeah It's unbelievable What are you putting In some of the rooms are empty

Of course Many of the rooms are empty Yeah It's for just like our soul It's for Chris's demons Yeah They say by the best house Worst house on the best street

They've gone the other way They've gone really Best house In the worst possible neighborhood Yeah Is this a bad neighborhood Oh dude go a block that way Oh, that's where I'm, that's where I'm fucking staying.

Yeah, well, I'm in the Super 8. Yeah. Have you checked? Let me take it. Last night, you guys in the Super 8? It's so good in there. The Super 8's cool. Dude, what?

I'm loving it in there. I mean, he dressed like this. No one's fuck away. Well, dude, I didn't know it's going to be on a film pod. I've been screwed heavily. This doesn't match. You look like a mascot for skateboarders. Yeah, dude, you've got to.

I like it. No, I like it. Dress young. You got to dress young I mean I do that Have you not stayed at a super aid I highly recommend it My parents loved me growing up

What do you mean I'm in there The aircon's good You're black in the room Is the AC okay Yeah I didn't leave for three days In Austin You're just lying

Yeah It's because it took you fucking Four days ago Let me tell you about a magical land Called the Holiday Inn Yeah Oh That's for weddings

Dude the super eight There was a super eight Around the corner Like close to my neighborhood That got boarded up Because what happened was during COVID in all these major cities,

they would just, they'd shut down the hotel industry because of travel. Yeah. And then the local government, a statewide would, they'd put in the homeless. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Into the hotels. Still that sort of stuff. Well, that's what's transpired. And I've seen one in our neighborhood where you go out front, people are open dealing. They're doing the fucking, the heroin nod.

Yeah. This episode is brought to you by Hall of Fame bets, Nick. It's football season, baby. Yes, it is. Are you jacked about it? I'm pretty jacked. Did you see the Eagles Rams game?

Yeah, I also saw the Falcons, Panthers games, so whatever. Yeah, but the Eagles Rams game was one of the best games I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, the Eagles' best team ever out on the planet. Don't fucking start. That's not what I'm asking for right now, okay? Best safest fan base. I will say it was five minutes before kickoff. It never bothers ever an opponent's fan base also.

It's five minutes before kickoff. Okay. Nick. Okay. And I still hadn't placed my bet. You know what I did? I opened Hall of Fame bets. And you got it in.

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Yeah. I mean, you should hear Chris go off on this. Yeah? Because he truly uses it because he signs up for stuff he doesn't want. I want to hear you go off on it, Tommy. I will go. A lot of people aren't aware of how much money they spend per month. What's offered by Rocket Money?

A service that saves you a lot of fucking money. Whoa. Yeah. Because you're a big, dumb, alcoholic comedian. Yeah, you idiot. They forgets they sign up for something. Yeah. And then month after month, they're getting raked.

I've done that. Yeah. Somebody's pulling $35 out here, $50 here, sometimes $200. $200? $200? With prices going up on just about everything lately. Yeah, I'll say. Dealing with money can be stressful.

You try to manage subscriptions, track spending, cut costs, but it feels overwhelming. Luckily, rocket money can relieve some of that stress and help you feel confident that the financial decision you made is the right one. I never know if it is. So that would be helpful to know. It would be helpful. I need to track that. Yeah, it's your daddy for finances. Yeah.

Who's your daddy? I have something embarrassing to admit. I found out that I was paying for a subscription that I did not need. I can guess what it was for, Tommy. Don't ruin this. Okay. There's certain things you can't say. Oh, sorry.

Did I ruin the ad? Do we have to start over? I can't say I can guess what it was for? Yeah, well, that's enough. I'm not going to say what it was. You've already said enough about what you're saying. Okay. You're assuming what you think, you know about.

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It shows all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. When we first started doing this, they didn't have that stuff. See? Where they log in all the financials. Tommy had no savings. Well, I didn't. Yeah. Their dashboard lays out your total finance picture, including bill dues, dates, and paydays in a way to easily digest.

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No, they can't talk to your landlord. They cannot. No, no. They cannot talk to your landlord. What were you saying about Tommy? Well, they call the companies that you owe bills to and go, hey, this is crazy. My boy Tommy? Yeah.

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That's the fun of this, the Super 8. That's what I'm saying. The Super 8 has to be the exact same way. I see people at the reception complaining and I'm like, you get what you pay for. It's 40 euros a night. Somebody took a shit on my pillow. She's like, all the towels are dirty.

I'm like, of course. It's $40 a night. It's nice to bring an Aussie here to have the... Just to be overwhelmed by the same beautiful things. And you know what they're using it for? Hummus is charming. Those rotating bands as well. What do you mean?

You like to broth for one hour in and out. So you open your curtains and you see some ginger guy half walking in with another car and in their go. Of course. But what a holiday. My girl, I spoil it. We get like 400 hour hotels in New York City. Crazy. It's stupid.

It's stupid. but she still will rip up the sheets to look for bedbugs. She's got this fear of bedbugs. She's never had bedbugs. Dude, but the Super 8. Dude, that's why you sleep in your clothes like you're in prison. I got my shoes on, ready to go. Did you look under the mattress for bedbugs?

I lie with all my stuff on with my shoes on, so you're fine. Bro, we stayed in like a Super 8 and we went to the Florida State Notre Dame game. Me, Chris, Matt, and Shane. and we didn't think there was nothing to do and know where to stay there so we had to stay at this like Indian run Super 8 yeah yeah dude there was like there was blood on the fucking walls

yeah of course that's the the mattress was like split in the middle like there was a it was broken so uh you would just like you'd fall to the crest of it yeah no matter where you start at your sleep you'd wake up in the center it was like a bowl

it was bowled out that's why you have to come just from hookers getting fucking pounded and broke the fucking centerpiece dude that's what and the only thing you're going to do is like forget that

your mattress would have been used for that yeah do you know what I mean you see people coming in and you go yeah yeah right this must be one that's not rented like that right right right right this mattress is fine this is fine this is fine that's the sort of rotating

that's a shady room that's the lazy Susan so are you staying there all week well you know what I was I hedged my bet because I was I was like this could be very about you learn this in the boiler room.

Because the reviews were all one out of five. And I'm like, this looks bad. Yeah. So I did half at Super 8 and the other at Le Quinta Inn. What's the Le Quinta in? Is that a good point? That's been, that's bad. To Lequinta.

That is rough. That's mayhem. As soon as I got in there, I had to air out the room. I've got all the windows open, banging. Can we find this man a place to stay? Back and forth. You went from a Saudi prison to a South American prison. Oh, dude.

The room was back. I've had. I've had to use, like, nose sprays to not get, like... But have you come, you said you came here with no money. I'm, I gave a couple dollars. What do you need? Do you want to sleep? Dude, I need, this is my trick. I need that water bottle that that guy stole.

Yeah, it was you. It was actually me. That's why I'm saying the security is good. But dude, I've spent no money because they have breakfast. They have breakfast. That's like you eat wings and a strip joint. I'm on yogicts and little off muffins. Getting the powdered egg?

Pouded egg. No, they don't have that. They've got a waffle machine. Oh, the waffle won't be wearing. Unbelievable. The waffle machine is heaven. You make hundreds of, and then you walk past the reception with handfuls of food.

Is there just a line of disheveled hookers with their wigs sideways? You've got a time at well. Because you go in there and you don't feel safe. Getting your breakfast. You're like, you have to wait until it's empty. And they've got to cut it off at like 9, 10 o'clock in the morning. Dude, but they don't turn an eye if you come past with a handfuls of food.

Yeah. I had so many yoga. you just steal all the goods like Gilbert Godfrey dude I was like and then they've got a fridge in there so you just move it from their fridge to your internal fridge you know this story about Gilbert Godfrey it's so funny dude he was like he was well known to just bleed the green rooms so after every single night whatever it's not nailed to the fucking floor he puts in his backpack yeah dude that's the Australian way we always do it people keep tabs on that day well they just I didn't know you could get a story about he sells out and then he just empty I open up for two weeks And he just Don't the whole We do that in Oz All comics come with backpacks

And then you empty the whole green You know it's nice Is the creek in the cave Because it's quite easy to get into That's why I start putting shit in there Because the fucking animals like you Because I want to go in there And I want to go in there and have a nice cocktail

Sorry And the creek in the cave Sometimes it's just You know They've still got ibupin's there They've still got ibuprofen And they're the good stuff Yeah

Because you've been caught for it That was my first big mistake socially with Shane well I opened for Shane in Melbourne and they ordered sushi and I just went over I thought oh we're all having the sushi

and then immediately it was look at this guy he's eating all the sushi you think you could just come in did all the sushi I didn't know that he was riffing I didn't know that he did play for bullying I thought that was it I'd fucked it all up by eating

I had a lot of the sushi Shane went at you Shane went at me good I didn't know what was going No I like that And it was a joke Because I got caught by It's not a joke

It's not a joke put a whole he'll do it a smile he's a fucking yeah yeah that's good i like that's a brilliant level of genius where he'll make you feel like you know what my father did enjoy it enjoy it yeah yeah it's on me yeah it's on your hunger you're going first time you're not no you've worked out you deserve that yeah yeah exactly no they're here for you dude when he does that to chris because chris chris has no social awareness nor respect for anyone i love that he'll just walk directly in and just start gorging and he's He doesn't grab a napkin, hold fucking crumbs everywhere.

But there is a... But there's no limit. You can't have to. You have to. Even if it's free, it's not for you right away. I'm the first private jet. I'm told that he was very drunk. The first private jet he was on and he stumbled into the cockpit and the pilot was letting him fly.

The pilot was just like, yeah, this is fine. And then people, you know, come out of the restroom and see him going and go, holy cry. What's he doing? He's pulling the pack box. Keep going until someone tells you. to stop. I wasn't there but I can tell you exactly how he acted. He probably went dude what's the private jet lot? Do you guys

go on it a lot? No. Is it as good as it looks? It is just... Yes. Not going through airport security is really the number one thing. Do you take a truck right to the... I mean, we should talk about this. This is going to... Cut this. Your listeners will love this, okay? You can't talk about how cool

shit is. Why don't you tell about all the celebrities you've met? They love that. No. Your elevated life. Most of it sucks. The silver slippers you now went. You're the affinity pool. You've got to open for Gilbert Godfrey I didn't know that

The parrot from Aladdin Yeah dude Dude did I tell you the story That I got caught by Jim Jeffries Opening for him What did you do Taking salami From that thing

And he caught me putting it into a leather jacket And then I had to like pull it out And he was like Do you know it was a lot of stolen mate Really And it was very embarrassing I didn't know him that well See he didn't catch me

I waited till he was on stage With meat in my jacket Oh my God And I was like I'm sorry man You were just stuff at slami I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I And then I took your maid. Well, he has a, I was like, Jim Jeffries has the most beautiful chakutery board I've ever seen.

There are little chocolates everywhere as well. I don't know how much I walked out with, but it's very posh stuff. For a meal as a headliner, because you're not like, you're not full of like pizza and dog shit. You get to make your own, every bite's a little. Yeah, dude, that's clever. Because I think if you do the kitchen at the venue, it's bad. Yeah. You know, like the chicken wings.

Yeah. They don't clean out that fucking oil tank. Dude, why would they? The club we started at in Philadelphia It was called The Laughouse It's where like DeRosa, Big J, Kevin Hart It's a black club for the most part All black comments

It was all black Yeah yeah except for a few white Kurt Mitzka Kurt yeah These are the only whites Oh Mike Veckeong Yeah he started there Anyway they never clean it

No he's a he's one of me But yeah For you yes Yeah yeah okay good Good good Italians count as white in this country Do they? They're just like normal white?

Dude, that's what one of my jokes didn't work. What did you say? I had a slur about Italians and I was like, oh, they're accepted over here. Why don't you say it? I can't because it's already bombed. I'm not going to do it a second time. You learn your lesson. So it wasn't Wap?

No, I didn't do Wop, but it was some reference to Italians, but I realized they've got a different relationship that we do. It's very strong. I was a playful and it was a bit of mocking, a bit of bullying, but here you were white. Why, why? Well, I mean, you're exactly, you can't as white in America. Oh, why are we white? No, you are.

You are, Italians are white here. The relationship is well established. You know what I have really weird one? Arabs, they write white down on their census for me. Really? Yeah. That's ridiculous. I think literally checks white as a Persian.

Yeah, I mean, what is it? You're Palestinian lover. Yeah. Our kid's going to be Palestinian to get in the college. But is that white? No. How about those steers? Oh, great.

Great tank. Do you support an AFL side? What? Has James got you into AFL? I think we've actually done that. But surely the crowboys, the whole, the whole scene is railing around the crowboys. Adelaide, Australian football. Australian football.

No, no, I haven't. Gardini's come on board. Godini's a crow boy now. I can't wait to watch that in person. The grand final is this weekend. Really? Yeah, I'll be in Indianapolis. Oh, dude.

It's this weekend coming. I'll be in Florida with Shane. You would love it. I'm sure he'll watch it. Yeah. Right? It's the cats and the lions. It's going to be good.

What day? It'll be, it's our Saturday afternoons. It'll be all the late Friday night. Friday night. Friday in the green room. You're going to be on. Who's your two? You're a West Coast boy?

I'm dockers. But I'm not that into it. It's the working class team from over there. How many teams are in the league? 18. 18 teams. Yeah. 18 teams.

Almost all of them in Victoria. It's exactly like yours just with no helmets. No talent, no blacks. Proper. Proper C2. No, every team has a Sudanese now. Hawthorne has two Sudanese. Oh, they're taking over that.

This is like my high school basketball team. One studentese and a bunch of Catholics is why we sucked. Yeah. Do they dress like old-timey football players with a leather helmet and the fucking no face pants? No helmets. No helmets. It's tiny shorts. Very tiny vests. No.

And they reveal everything. Now the, no, rugby is the first stop start. It's close to rugby. But they kick the ball a lot more. Yeah, don't you kick it? You can run and kick it to the- But you're normally doing line plays. You're going to love it.

You're going to love it. It's fucking rugby. What am I talking to, right? No. Everything's just a ball fundamentally. It's not, we're being honest. Our people's football is divided into two games and no one follows both of them. And it's why the country doesn't.

Yeah, yeah. Cricket unifies everybody, but that's really a highfaluton. Crickets for everyone. And then. And then cricket is not for everybody. Mate, you would love it. You would get around cricket. You have totally the personality type of a man who.

I would love to play a game that goes for 25 days. You can drink for a whole week And nothing that much happens So you just have banter And occasionally look up Yeah, but you've got an excuse to get away From your partner Yeah, yeah true

You know it's like playing golf You can go out for how long Six hours Yeah, it's a long day Sitting in the sun And they break for tea Yeah You love it

You have some tea The hardest part is just meeting A pack of Indians Yeah that is Because how else am I going No It's fine It's not wrong that

Yeah I'm sorry We handle them They will come a time when their program is developed enough to crush us because they've got a billion people it's coming but yeah yeah yeah yeah we have we've real pride in our ability we're good at cricket we're good at sport for our population we punch above our way we are we are look at the olympics number one near you well well they have to put you in there you're a country yeah yeah we're up

there we're maybe fifth in the olympics basketball maybe eight we do well and swimming we do okay sometimes swimming because we're always swimming from the sharks or whatever yeah yeah I get that Very good at that. We'll have sometimes like a random white lady who wins like the hurdles or something. Yeah. Just like one. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right.

Just a beautiful blonde woman winning pole vault once. Yeah. They're good runners as well, running from the guys. What else do we win? The drunk Aussie. We just, man, we dominate swimming. Bikes. We're great on bikes.

Good on a bike. And also weird sports that the government has to invest a lot in. Kayaking, we pick up gold. We are huge. We are huge. You get it. There's four gold medals on the terms. We found a rope.

No one wants to kayak. Yeah. So we've found hundreds of medals. Equestrian. They're not sports. No, kayaking is a noble sport. Dude, it's not a sport. That is not a sport.

It's not about sports. It's about medals. That's endurance. It's a what? It's endurance. Just like cycling. No, there's now, there's the water. There's navigating.

There's no 380 pound black guy running full speed, 23 miles an hour out of you. I always think that's like a gayer ad. You know, people go like Decaflon. Decaflon is the king of sport. They go, this is the best athlete ever, is the decathlete The decathlon winner. You go, yeah, but of people who started to get into Decafalon.

Who's getting into Decafalon? Yeah, dude, it's a jack of all trades, master of none. That's the swim and running. It's the triathlon. Decafalon, you have to shoot. You have to do a yo-yo. They do all of it badly. Crawls through a little tunnel.

You know what the dogs do? Crawls through one of those tunnels. What are you? Do you know they do the dog show here? Do they? On Thanksgiving. When everybody's, when everybody's fucked up after a big Thanksgiving meal and you've watch two football games.

Everyone just oozes under the couch and you watch best in show. Oh, really? Yeah. It is nice. Huge tradition. Oh yeah, I've seen that many times. You love that?

Big dog fan. Because in the UK, they love dance. Are you guys into darts? UK, they love darts. Again, not a sport. They're not pool people. They're not snooker people. You guys are very fussy with your sport.

Anybody can fucking do that. Oh, really? Yeah. Darts? Yeah. Yeah. You've got to be a very fat British man with terrible teeth. really do number one you have to have that heavy arm yeah to throw it steady dude i i i learned

i learned how to play darts it took me who's in charge me or the devil it took me now granted they are i i know i'm about being sarcastic a bit there are levels to the the dart game yeah but if you were just to practice and play for however many fucking years you'll be the best no you'll be the best it's hard bowling is harder than darts no darts is it's crazy a woman can You learned how to play darts. Stay on. Stay on. You would think.

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You would think this is another, why can't women? Okay. Seriously, quick. I understand why. there aren't women at quarterbacks, but there aren't even women. I would love that. There's never been a number one woman chess player. I mean, that's exclusively the brain.

How high up the, how high, how high, how, how high, thank you for relieving me from my ignorant government. Do where are they on the rankings? The highest rank, is it in the top 10? I don't, I don't believe so. I think you're right. And if you look at their life stories, it's often they had a chess champion father who just forced them to get very good, but they never.

never got as good as dad. You're right. Pretend you're a guy. No, that's not good. I wonder if trans chess is a thing. They should be allowed. That's a great question. I support it.

That's the pawns who got to the end. Yeah. All right. Hey. Yeah. Who's on? You're more of a queen than a king these days, huh? That's so good.

Check, mate. What's happening here? Oh, I've done that. You're on Zins now, hey? Yes. What do they like? Do they make you anxious? Guys, you should, in particular, have zinc on your nose.

Dude, I'm going to do so bad. I'm so heat-striked because I've been walking everywhere because I'm so poor. I promise you, if you got into like a wrestling singlet, put some zinc on your nose or just act like a lifeguard and did your whole act, it would fucking murder. Oh, dude, that's what I needed. I needed you there last night before I went on. You don't want to fall into the archetypes. There are these men.

I've seen in every culture. Yeah. These guys who come out and go, hello, I'm Indian. Yeah. I'm in America. And, you know, do you just want to transcend it? There's a couple. There's a couple of Aussies who make their whole career.

They do know the wiggles. Fruit salad. Do you know the wiggles? Do you don't have the wiggles? The wiggles? Oh, I thought he said something different. Oh, yeah. What do you think, wiggard?

I was like, holy shit, dude. That'd be good. I thought you were saying the word where white guys, you know, take over black culture. It's one of these. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's no good. It goes the other way. That's no good.

But it's like that. The music group. It's like the musical comedian. You don't want to have a guitar. What's a wiggle? You don't know the Wiggles? Even Jerry Seinfeld knows the Wiggles. It's the favorite kids' kids' music.

It's big kids' entertainment. That was our biggest cultural export. It's five guys doing this. Fruit Salad. They sing kids. People love the Wiggles. The ones in the suits. Did you better not go to Australia and not know who the Wiggles are?

That's going to be very important. The different coloured ones. There's like a purple one. They're purple red. Whoa. Yeah, but they're in suits. But they're in shirts. They're in.

skivies, we call them. I don't know what you call them. Turtlenecks. Power Rangers? It's like that. They're power rangers with songs. Pretty much. Don't you think?

And they've got a dinosaur. And you guys are into it. Oh, yeah. This, uh, the reference doesn't work if you have no context in at all. It's very hard. The references, picking up the references. We've got to explain an entire thing. Americans love a reference.

It can never be so hard. You can go to Britain and you can be silly. And they go, we like silly things. But here, they don't care for silly. Yeah. I've had to learn who Mr. Rogers is. Do you? Yeah, oh yeah, I went to the museum.

I don't know who that is. I know how the football works now. I know about it. I told you how to throw football. Tommy can really throw. Can he? Yeah. Well, you're so good at dance.

You'd obviously have a good arm. I still think a full contact game of football among comedians would be. Send it. Very exciting. It would do very well. Set it up. You could shoot it beautifully. It would change the whole pecking order.

Well, my 100%. It would change the way you view it. You would watch me and go, what a cowardice. Josh actually has a wonderful podcast idea. where he throws a football with the other comedian the whole time. Yes. And it's called, I like that.

You just talk about your dad. So every comic you have, I love it. I'm so jealous. That's a great idea. Play catch with the comedian. And then you get to see some dopey, fat piece of shit that you think you're a fan of trying to throw a football.

Because have you seen Judd? And you lose a lot of respect. Have you seen Judd Aperture do his pitch? I can already see it. It's unbelievable. I didn't. It barely leaves the back. Of course.

It rolls down his arm. Of course. And you're like, this guy's never been outside. Of course. I mean, you would want to play quarterback? Yeah, or a wide receiver. And Shane is an offensive tackle.

Sam Talent's offensive tackle. Talent is a fucking talent. But what were you really? Rogan, I think a receiver. Because people would be very afraid to tackle him as he runs the ball back. He's small. He would catch it. He would run and you would go, it's not a good one.

He's also muscular. He's quick. He seems like a good free safety. Oh. You know what that is? Yes. Yeah. The guy that would just destroy the wide receiver.

Yeah, that's not paying attention. Who do you reckon the mascot would be? The animal costume. You have to have two teams. You have a New York team and an Austin team. No, but you've got a mascot. Holtzman. Holtzman's a great mascot. Yeah, it'd be good.

You have a touch of Holtzman. Have you seen Holtzman? Dude, I actually caught him in L.A. On my last train. He was so good. He's so good. He's also a sweetheart. He's the sweetest man in the world.

He's one of the best comedians of say. Oh, God, it's so fun to watch. Is he the guy? He was closed the show and wait until everyone leaves. He was the Walker. Yeah, that's what I watched. I watched him to a point and you eventually have to leave because he's waiting until you've had enough. And I enjoyed him, it's one o'clock.

And you go, this guy's never going to stop. Yeah, it's the best. It's the best. And I don't want it to. I don't want it either. But I had to leave because eventually you're like. You got to get back to the motel eight before somebody's fucking in your bed. Because I'm going to get up early for the breakfast.

I'm going to get those three muffins before the prostitutes take them out. I got hit Waffle time. I'm fucking super eight. Do you have a waffle maker in your own house? Do you have one? I don't. But people do it. You need it.

I do not. You need that. I'm not a breakfast guy. I don't eat breakfast. I don't believe in breakfast. That's why you look so good. I think it's why everyone's so fat. I think it's right.

The most important meal of the day. It's not. That's a bullshit. You're not a farmer. That's a Kellogg's lie. Yeah, it is. Yeah, they put it in. Kellogg's cereal.

It's a pharmaceutical to get you consume sugar. That's how we took over the world. That's how the British took over the world. It's probably, I bet you came from Pfizer because I know you're eventually going to get diabetes and need their fucking goods. He's actually right. They used to have it when you're a farmer because you would have been milking. Yeah, you'd be out milking.

And you're plowing the field, plowing the soup right? You're eating a birthday cake every morning and then what? Sitting down? Doing a podcast? We need breakfast. We need, I've seen children when they don't have breakfast. They're unhappy by 10. Children, yes, because they're running all day.

They're just giving them Ritalin. Parents shouldn't be eating. I will not drug these children. People keep asking me to do it and I'm not going to do it. It's so hard. Every kid's diagnosed with it. See an adult with whipped cream. on top of a pile of pancakes and syrup, grow the fuck up, kill yourself.

It is childish when you think about it. Because you're doing it slower. But it's the same thing. You're killing yourself. I'd rather you just blow your brains out at the fucking I hop so I can get five minutes on stage. So what's your diet? When do you first eat? About lunchtime?

No, I eat around 5, 6 o'clock. What are you eating? Well, you're getting up at 2? Huh? You're getting up at 10, 11. You go to 10, 11, and you don't eat until 5. Yeah, go to the gym. And then you've got to get your...

I have some... what do you call it? Deal. No. No, the fucking amino acids. Amino acids. Cretine,

amino acids. I go to the gym for an hour. And then you have your bath? Hour and a half. Your cologne? Yeah. I'll bathe myself in cologne. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wash the hands, wash the mouth. I don't do it. Defend some charges for the night before. Yeah, just wish a little couple ladies. Contact your lawyer and make this go away. I don't know how my vehicle got to the house? I've got one big meal and then I'll

snick snack like late night. What would be your meal? Like olives in a jar or? No, I eat good stuff. I had some lamb chops and this Keenwhal salad my lady made. This is good. And no wonder you got a cooking channel. Yeah. I know what I'm doing, pal. I know what I know I know what I'm doing, Ralph. You got a great idea. I think you're going to make it as a cooking meal. You've got to come on

look at this. We were trying to set this up. I know. My plan is to at some point go back to Australia and open a sandwich shop. Yeah. And I don't know what Sam. I was thinking of a roast beef sandwich. I think people would like that. That's good with horse Horse radish? I don't know. My important thing is that it looks like a totalitarian despot government.

That's good. And we have women in beautiful, severe uniforms who are cruel. And you can only, but you know, no choices. It's called no choices. And you just get you one sandwich. It's the same. So you're just going to hire a Muslim woman? I was lipstick.

Very important. Lipstick, but sort of that, you know, Gaddafi's attendance, that sort of thing. This is a big money idea. I like this. I have a big money idea when you see it. You know a big money idea when you see it. I hate going to the restaurant I'm making it

Too many choices I want them to threaten me And say take your fucking sandwich I've already made a choice By going to a place You go there Now you take over I've made one choice

How many choices do I have to make You know what's good You make it Give me the best fucking sandwich Don't give me the second best So you just get one I go in there I say what's the best sandwich

And they go And then go don't Fuck me around With the second best sandwich What do you guys eat out there? Big Macs We eat ass Oh it's just Big Donald's

You don't have like a regular What's your cuisine. No, we've got, oh, we do breakfast. Genuinely, Australian breakfast. Ah, we love the breakfast. Avocado on toast, we invented that. I like whipped cream on a cake. That's what I like to eat.

Yeah, dude, I don't know. We don't, what do we have? Meat pies? No, you eat that, what's that dog shit? That black paste. Oh, that you might, yeah, a little bit. I think that's been mentioned in every podcast. Of course, because it's so tedious.

Disastrous. It's not that bad. You've just got to mix it with butter. That's right. Just a little bit. That means it's bad. You're going to dilute it. It's just a hint of it.

You wouldn't have a hot sauce sandwich. You put a little bit. It's just a taste. It's a condiment. It's like eating a whole bag of nutmeg. What's it be? What's the beast? It's the yeast extract that doesn't go into beer.

It's the stuff that's too unpleasant to go into beer. Right. And then you put it on your toast. They made a lot of money. I know the family that did it. You know the vegetable-y family? Because it was waste. It was a waste product from the beer brewing.

Yeah. And then they found a way to sell it to morons like us. We're like, this is great breakfast food. It's better than the whipped cream. Because there's nothing else to eat. They were like, let's just sell these people. We have a beautiful cuisine. We've got a good Chinese.

We got a lot of immigrants. So the immigrants bring your cuisines. Our food courts are unbelievable. You have anything that you can. Pevel over? No, that's why we bring them over. What's a? Pevelover is a kind of meringue cake.

It doesn't sound like you came up with that yourselves. It's actually could be New Zealand. Yeah, they dispute it. It's like, they do dispute it. So we still have yet to identify one thing. They haven't established who did the recipe first. It's still up for debate. What are the natives?

The First Nations peoples? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, you've got to use the right. Well, that, look, natives are safe. That was a very, that's your natives. I don't know. Where is the Aboriginal situation at? I left after the vote.

We had this big vote on whether or not they'd get some special. I don't know. I haven't been checking out my window. I'm not up to date with it. I don't want to talk on live TV about it. They were going to have like a special representative body and we had to vote to see if it was in the constitution and we resoundingly said no and then i left oh yeah yeah yeah and i think all the people on the left all the progressives were a little sad and embarrassed yeah we're shocked oh we just have to

not talk about aboriginal people for a while i think it's just being put on hold do you guys get woke like the americans do more yeah they're more woke yeah but nothing happens oh we're not like our culture you know you'd think steve irwin crocodile dundee it's all regulated now no it's a very woke it's a cruel woman with big glasses just frowning and telling you to go to the street limit. There's fences around pools, speed limits, helmets, appell if you leave the house, ding, ding, ding, around your neck. Just, yeah, it's bureaucracy, red tape.

Yeah. It's hard. Until you go up into the Aboriginal areas. And then I think people cut a little looser. Yeah. But even then they're not allowed to have. Are they still, they're separated? Well, they have their communities where they're still out there and they're provided

some services. It's our country is our version of Oklahoma. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty much like that. But you're not regulated out in the bush. You can drink drive freely out there. Well, that's what they do here. And I've done it many times.

Natives. Oh, yeah. You can't go in there. Yeah, they've got their own subset. If you do, they're all alcoholics and it's really. No, no, it's a huge problem. It's grim. It's a fucking huge negative problem.

You've been, have you been to Oklahoma? Yeah. It's grim. You know what I call? We did, Shane and I did the theater. And then we had a show at the casino. on the reservation. Yeah.

And the way out there, it's like, they don't want. What's the problem, though? They're drinking and gambling. It's the guy's dream life. All day long, you just get fucked up. Dude, that's the dream life. I've never said to, gambling and being grown. We didn't think so.

We drove to go through, we got to go through Las Vegas. And then on the way through Las Vegas, you're coming through, you know, the Arizona and the Native American things. And then all of a sudden, there's just a hillside. There's a big plane and all these caravans, 10,000 caravans just in the desert outside of Las Vegas. And I say, is this a Native American thing? My wife looks up, she goes, it's a festival.

It's burning, man. No, it's white. And we look it up. And it's just like the most terrifying. They go, it's not even a town. It's like a census designated place. And they go, they've got two teachers, 10,000 people, one policeman. And it's just like a huge desert shantytown.

I've heard of this place. They don't pay taxes. I think it's, it's desert Appalachia. I've heard of this place. It's close to Las Vegas. Yeah, as you're driving there, we just look at the winter and you go, what the fuck's going on in my neighborhood, we had something called Satanville. It's better than super.

Satanville. Satanville and Midgetville. And you go to. Swear to God, that's what they call them. Lord of the Rings, midgetville. You'd go to this little town and all the houses are tiny and the midgets would come out and throw rocks at your car. Because they've, where is this compared to Philadelphia? Delaware County.

Stay away from our pot of gold. Was that north? No, it's southwest. Dude, why did you? It's like three miles away. So you would go and taunt them and they'd have to chase it down with drops? up your boys in high school after drinking on a golf course. You jump in somebody's fucking Ford Taurus.

Yeah. And you... How big's their house? Dude, I mean, just imagine... Like a letterbox. Yeah, you just... Is this close to the Hershey's chocolate factory? No, that's way out west.

Some of the best chocolate you've ever had in the Al-Ollown. The Alpahumpus. Delightful. Yeah? Oh, I only drove through it very quickly. It's pretty, there's nothing to do. It's all foreign. All right.

What area was this? This whole tri-state area, a little town. all the Gilmore girls. It's so pretty. It's gorgeous. And it reminds you of TV shows. It does. It's when you go to, like, die.

Yeah, that's where I'm retired. It's peaceful. There's all farmland. Oh, that's what you need. Yeah, yeah, that's what you need. Cleanse it. No, I want that. I want that.

I might actually have to cut that. It's so fun, though. He's got more cuts in this episode. I knew the Australians who bring it out of me, dude. Oh, my God. He's so fun, no, dude. I wish we could leave it in. Let's go kick a ball in the fucking yard.

See who's, yeah, the real alpha dog. I'll fucking destroy. I'm going to nail you. Well, they can't, they can't kick the American football in general. Can they? Not really. We have a pretty natural ability to punt. You are a good kicker.

I remember you kicking out fresh ears place. That's all I can do. When I throw it, it looks ridiculous. Yeah, you'd be good, dude. Because you've got like the farm, farm build. He does. Why I told us. Eat breakfast every day for 40 years.

Yeah, man. I'm ready for breakfast right about now. You've got to earn the strength to toss a, bail a hey those prostitutes are beating me to the mouth you have to get you into a better place you can't stay with me but we have to get you into a better place no it's good dude it's such an adventure I love living life that's where you see all the things don't you think yeah on the street do you have any loved ones yeah I've got two kids do you really yeah

yeah people are shocked for real yeah don't be scared I'm not scared I'm like people feel like I'm wondering that protective custody if you if you went to a super in a shitty neighborhood and fell off here in New York City it'd be a problem. Here it's probably soft. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you have two kids, you've got to think about soft.

Well, I feel a lot safer in Austin than where I was staying in L.A. Yeah, but I don't know where I was. There were a lot of gangs and I felt scared. Yeah. I was asking you where you were and you didn't remember. I didn't know, but I was scared at night.

Yeah. You'd get like surrounded and end up in sort of a homeless nest. Yeah. Do you know, like a lot of them? You cross the street in L.A. And all of a sudden. Dude, and I heard people making gang signals. You know when they whistle.

Yeah. And you know they're scouting you? If you get a whistle, like, you know you're fucked. Yeah. Because they're scoping out for the mugging. And that's what, but I just run. Yeah. But I'm just the coward.

And they just go, why is it? I'm constantly running. First place. Just like, like a prey animal, you know, like, just, with side eyes. Just to get run into the old. Like a gazole in there, they go, dude, he's just so fidgety. Just shoot off down an alley. If you don't have pride, you can't get robbed.

Yeah. Do you just run on any instinct? I agree with this. Do you do that? Just run and you never mugged. No, I mean, when I was in L.A., I went to Englewood because it was near the airport. That's dangerous. But I was walking around with all my big bags.

And I did, yes, it was very, it was prickly a couple times. Yeah. But overall, a beautiful area. Yeah. It's all nice, dude. Once you're in there, there's a great sense of the community. You've just got to be part of it. No, but the black and the Hispanic, don't chill.

And then you cross the street and you're like, oh, this is all Hispanic now. It's different. Crown Heights was another one where you go, it's very black and then all of a sudden Orthodox Jews everywhere. It's really. Yeah. They're all living in northern neighborhoods, aren't they? It's just one set of tunnels.

Remember that they're talking about the subway? You're talking about the subway. They do. They do. But I'm fine with it. We used to, when we were younger, go to Cape Flats in Cape Town. Have you seen that? No.

You've never heard of it. Because it's like the Wiggles. I can't give context. You don't even know geography. Africa. I know Cape Town. you fuck no but they've got cape uh cape flats which is notorious and we we would drive around there and you'd have like cars abandoned do you know what they're in south africa well i'm

originally from there i didn't know that i came over when i was eight oh so many perth boys from south africa yeah we're in there dude yeah i've had to conceal it that's why i've got your racial opinions yeah that is why i'm very weird yeah with the white south african whites are the strangest ways are you also jewish i i claim to be jewish i're all south Cut this off. You have anything to promote? Nah, not really. We've got a lot of white South African Jews.

Some big Jews are not white. The ones in South Africa, let me tell you. They all. They let you know where they're in a category. That's good stuff. Who else do we hit on, huh? Who are we got in the fucking pocket? Yeah, we did.

We're spinning the globe and just picking it. Who's getting it next? I would like some Vietnamese food for lunch. Oh, that's be good. That's my number one. Bami? I love it. Me too.

So nice, dude. Did you realize it's patte? Do you know? Isn't it? Yeah. It took me a while to work that out. I had one of the best bombies in my life in L.A. last month. Yeah.

I forget the name of the fucking place, but it like blew my socks off, dude. What was good about it? Crunchy roll, soft roll. The roll was perfection. It's all down to the roll, right? It's a bakery and they have two different locations. One is just strictly a bakery. And then that provides for the other restaurant, which is like three miles away.

That's so good. Dude, it was like. I'm still thinking about drooling it It's like the The flavor combinations they had on this thing It's no beef sandwich What was yours? Roast beef sandwich

No what's the restaurant called? No choice. It's no no choices sandwich I should have really got that reference To make it funny But if you find it right behind me I mean when I was in Adelaide

I had all the You're not allowed to call them dog rolls anymore But you're not allowed to I don't think you were ever allowed to What's wrong with dog roll? You know the culture around the dog, eating out of the dog. Oh yeah, the Asians. There was a fun thing that people used to, everyone used to say.

Oh, wait, wait, I just got this. Oh, yeah, you're calling me a dog roll. But people don't know. People have stopped calling them that. I didn't, yeah. People have stopped calling them that now. I don't think I ever called her dog roll. Like a hot dog roll.

No, but when I would find. I had no idea. Dog roll, yeah, that's intense. That's so good. It is insensitive. I don't think it's that insensitive. It is. We like to take a small thing and blow it up into a big,

because we don't have the same. You guys have more of a legacy of, you've fought it out, you know, we just quietly dealt with the, the, we didn't have like a civil war. Yeah, we've never, because of all the bloodshed. Well, that's because. Face on.

We've never handled it face on. No, we just make quiet little change. Well, that's because the world, it's about forgetting. It's whispering in the shadow. Yeah. Traveling to spots around fucking Australia. to save their families and their history. What is doing this?

This is why America has multicultural fucking ethnicities. It's because everybody needed to get to America. But once you got to America, the government wasn't looking after you. The government's looking after. Of course not. So they spread out. We don't have quite the same level of,

the word ghetto is also, I'm told not to you. But what do we say? Fragmentization. Just you go, oh. Is this this lady? Is this she making words up? Who? The woke fucking president, you guys have?

Here you go, that's the Hispanic neighborhood. You cross the road, and that's little Argentina. And you cross the end, it's all, China down, literally. It's just a little more gooey. We go it up. That sucks. It's a food corn. That sucks.

It's like we have it of seven teams and no one's wearing the right jersey. It's like having to go to different areas for food. You combine it. One hit. You don't have food. Everything's merging into one now. Yeah. You're going to love the pace.

You don't resist the change. Yeah. We're merging into AI. I know. Fucking marrying a Palestinian. So congratulations again. We're all merging. Are you actually?

We're all merging. She's lovely. Oh, yeah. I'm sure she is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I thought that was a joke. But she's got a dog in the house, which is not good Muslim behavior.

She's what? She's got a dog in the house. Well, she's half Irish. She's preparing a male. Yeah. We have dog rolls to her. You can't, I'm told you can't say that anymore. No, I know you can't say that anymore.

I'm being joking. A couple more words you're not allowed to say In either country Dude why are they regulating so many words Let's have free speech Free speech, yeah Free speech includes slurs Let's be honest

It's ironic They don't like dogs in their house But they treat their women like Do you think people aren't defending free speech Because there's less good things to say Like you know, you used to have great cinema You go to the movies And there's like 10 great works of art

You go free speech is deliberate Now you go to movies It's just shit Yeah I agree man It's all shit No one's saying anything We've got to have someone say something exciting. And then, you know, this podcast, no one's shutting down the podcast.

It's all shit. It's all niche. This is all filler, this pod as well. I used to, I used to care about, like, the future and stuff. And I don't anymore. That's a great way to be. I think the aliens, you're living in the now. I think the aliens are going to take out the White House in like five years.

Well, the comments, the media is coming. It's all, it's all going to be fucked. The media was a great way to go, though. Do you know what I mean? I don't know. Those dinosaurs don't look happy when you look at them in the scout, no. That's not cool enough. But then you don't seem like.

coward and you know you're no long have to try you don't have to feel like you failed it was a meteorite that stopped me succeeded no do you know what I mean with a chance now Wolfie I think you're gonna go back to that club you're gonna make the audition work the second time oh dude I'm you got another set tonight I don't think I'm I don't think I'll ever have a set

again no I might give it a few days yep I need to test because I did the next set some works other stars I might ask for the tape the tape is out there oh dude did they feel Oh, it's recorded. They film every shot.

My lips were spicking together. Please don't do it. That's straight bully. We're going to get the tape. Oh, Lord. No, no, we'll get the tape. They could destroy, well, I don't have a career, but it could destroy my ego. I believe in you.

Oh, mate. I think this man could make it in America. Yeah. Are you considering it? I might. I've got more flexibility now because I split up with my hands and we've got 50-50. But before it was not ideal split time. Do you know what I mean?

It was like a few days on, a few days off. Now we've got a week on, week off so I can go for two, three weeks since. You've got to fly 24 hours every two weeks? No, I'm saying, but I can do more trips. While they were younger, I've got kids like six and ten. Oh, okay. I couldn't really go anywhere. But now they're old enough where I can go for three weeks or four weeks.

Make it here quickly. You get them in a Swiss boarding school. Well, I'm off to a cracking start, aren't they? It couldn't go better. I'll tell you what, dude. All the signs are go. I thought you were good here today. The way he's wearing this is really great, you know.

What do you mean? This bomb? No, no. Last night, if that, you know, that could fuck your mind. No, dude, it doesn't bother me because all the jokes work. I've just got to sift out what works in America. Yeah. Because they're not as brine.

So, you know what I mean? I've got to get more dumb jokes into my act. I've never had that problem. I got to tell you. Okay, I shouldn't have said that. A lot of Americans watch it. Bit of a joke. Yeah.

Tongue and check. But I, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got it, half worked, half didn't. So it's an easy fix. You just put more shit in. Yeah. And then just tick them off. You would have had this.

Yeah, I get it. Don't act like all your material works straight away. I get it. I need to do cultural tweaks. You don't know, you don't know the wiggles. So if I say the wiggles, I'm fucked. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Now I know, don't call it don't roll. Oh, you'd love Ben Cousins. Dude, I gigged with it. No. I gig with it. You'd love Ben Cousins. Yeah.

Ben Cousins was the best footballer in the country for several years Also simultaneously a huge drug addict Methamphetamine Let's go Still playing football Meth head And he only trained and played for the reward of going on a meth band What's his dice look like?

Are they all fucking shocked? He's very good looking He looks great But there's a great Oh so many They have something in Perth Where Wolfie's from called the Ben Cousins Triathlon Because he was driving his car

And the cops were doing a breath test up ahead So he just pulled over and swam through the river. And he got right near the end and then swam back. He gave up. He got across the river right to the end and then lost hope and swam the whole way back. He was, after he stopped football, he broke into an army base and was running around the army base. He was so fit even after he retired, they couldn't catch him for hours. They were just running around trying to catch it.

They were like, it's been cousins. We can't shoot him. We've got to catch him for hours. And he was screaming, oh, why don't he? you I'm one of you but he broke in to steal the drugs you know the blue medical you know those things where you're injured and you breathe we got the green whistle the green whistle the morphine thing do you know when you broke in your thing and you suck on that they have the lollipops yeah where he he went in to try to get in the rations and steal those yeah that they couldn't

like cancer patients that like there's no hope yeah that's what he was into yeah but it was so good as well he's got that clip where he goes the bender yeah the bender you're gonna do it no no you do it's so good no you do it's so good no you do it better I love it. You're more comfortable in America. You do the first day. He's talking about a bender. He goes, first day is pretty good.

Second day is better. Third day is even better than that. Fourth day. We're really having a good time. Then someone comes along and says, mate, you've got to stop. And he goes, well, I don't stop after all the work I've put him to get here. To get to this point.

He goes, I'm not giving up all that. I'm not giving up all that. That's seven days of drugs. This is the best bid. And he was the best player. in the league. Yeah, and he had, what he had,

such his life, tattooed on his belieable dude. Such his life. Yeah, this guy, he's still got the twinkle in his eye. I did a gig with him and he was in the green room

and he's still a mystery? He's still comedy? No, no, he's doing media stuff, media sort of, they do interviews with him. Yeah. But he's all,

he's had to rebrand his image now, so he's sort of clean. He's off the drugs? He's very clean and sort of like PRing that he's a good boy. He's selling on and shit like that? Book and like kids. He talks-charity stuff and, you know, cutting ribbons.

But then you can still see in his eye that you could get him back on. But he, the most beloved personality of all the people from Perth. I told him in the green room, I said, you did nothing wrong. We were all doing it. You were the scapegoat. You were a good man. Even the mayor of Perth did. Do you know the Lord Mayor?

What, Basil? Basil. Yeah. Basil did more drugs. and Ben Cousins in mine. He was the Lord Mayor, and you'd see him out every night on MDMA. He's got an incredible nose. I wondered if that was a cocaine nose.

He had, God gave him the nose for the coach. You just see this man's nose. What is it? Did he lose the cartilage? No, it's just a big. He's just got a nose that would do a whole bag. Oh, okay. In one hit.

The vacuum cleaner. I mean. He was designed for it. But then he became the Lord Mayor, but no one mentioned that he was on as many drugs as Ben Cousins. You call him the Lord Mayor? Mayor. You're trying hard to make it

Comprehensible to an American audience Yeah, I'm trying to tweak it But now I don't even know what I'm saying This is what happened in this sense But it's not Lord Mayor The Lord Mayor You call him Lord Mayor The Lord Mayor

You were a cool robe And you get a big gold chain And it's four That's why he's doing fucking drugs You guys are treating them Like a guy And it's four buildings And a clock town

You lose the sense You're managing Well also he's trying to Deal with the inner city Situation in Perth There are a lot of homeless in there It's certain to be my whole family I'll be in, man.

Gilbert Godfrey had a joke. The Bender thing reminded me. It's one of my favorite jokes. He would go, he would come out for 20 minutes and try new shit and bomb. Yeah. And then he would go,

and now jokes from my old C date. Dude. Fucking destroy. Like beyond belief destroy. Shaking the walls. Yeah, yeah. And he had this one bit. He goes,

buddy, him and his buddy and another friend are out at a bar. He's not supposed to be drinking. after work and he gets too drunk and he throws up on himself and the other the other guy goes it's fine all you got to do is put $10 in your top pocket say some some guy threw up on you and this is for dry cleaning yeah so the guy goes home to his wife explains to the wife look this guy threw up on me and gave me $10 for dry cleaning and the wife goes well why is it

$20 and he goes he also shit my pigs It's beautiful Dude, you can't beat an old school Road comic He wrote, dude All his like They were all internet jokes That were like

But they destroyed That he wrote He was the origin of a lot of them man But you can't beat a comic like that Dude watch his set from like the 80s Carolines It is like unbelievably funny

He's so funny though He's the fucking best Yeah He was RIP I'm so uncomfortable sitting there It's just, I mean, it could be worse, right?

It could be worse. What have you done then? I don't know. You've destroyed the microphone. First of all, congrats. Mr. Buchan, congrats on you know what special. It's called Black Israelite. Thank you.

It's unbelievable, dude. It's fine. It's just fine. It's out now. It's doing good numbers. Yeah. And when does this podcast come out? Uh, tomorrow.

He's prolific. Springfield, Missouri. I'll be there on Thursday. And who could forget Indianapolis on Friday? Dude, and you've got so much material. How much have you written? I'm hammering at the moment. I've got nothing.

I'm drowning. He's got at least two hours waiting for you, Idaho or wherever you going. I'm grounded. The shows would be great. That'd be amazing, dude. You are one of the most prolific comics. They pay you so much more money if you sell out the show. If you don't sell out the show here, they don't give you enough to turn up.

Yeah, that's why you steal shit from the green room. Yes, that's what you need. We've got to sell it out. A couple bologna slices in your leather jacket. Aren't you selling them all out? Small rooms. Listen, we've got to make it. We're here to make it in America.

That's what America is there for You don't want to be a failure in America You can be a failure in Australia Have a nice little life You play call a duty You sit down The government gives you $1,000 a week No problems

It's actually a great life It's a good deal You get yourself a disability They'll mow your lawn for you Yeah yeah But here Boy, you want to make it Oh dude

You don't want to be in the super Yeah we gotta get you out of the Super 8 Dude it's very scary Here you're right near the meat grinder You can feel it Let's get this kid some fuck Help me man Help me please

I thank you for letting me bring this man on Dude, it's too early to set up GoFund me. Do you have anything to promote? Oh, just Andrew Wolf Comedy. Andrew Wolf Comedy. I had an old podcast. It's defunct now. Sure thing.

If anyone wants to look at old episodes, we've still got a Patreon. But we don't produce any more episodes. Are they still pay? You can pay for retrospect. Are they still pay? That's what's amazing with it. We had a few, but we cancelled it. And then you still get the money.

Because people don't. People just forget. They just forget. Well, they're dead. Well, this episode might be brought to you by Rocket Money, and that'll clear that up. Oh, nice. He also shit my pets.

What a great time.