Stuff Island - James McCann - Stuff Island #172

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

James McCann joins this week's episode of Stuff Island - James McCann is an Australian stand up comic who has been on Kill Tony, Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast and is a regular at the Comedy Mothership. His new special "Hey America" is out now on Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast channel Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor are reunited after being on the set of Netflix's Tires. Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Unlock a healthier and easier way to eat by using Promo code "Stuff Island" at checkout for 15% off your first order at huel.com Book a doctor who is right for you at Zocdoc.com - stop putting off your doctors appointments and go to zocdoc.com/stuffisland Harrys.com/stuff to get a trial shaving kit to change the way you shave. Harry's provides quality razors for a great price! Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Joyce is impenetrable I love books Yeah I started reading a book that I hate I think I hate I just finished The Sun Also Rises Nice I was just waiting for him to get an erection the whole time It is a book about a guy whose dick doesn't work

And he's this hot lady And he wants to Wait so the title is a play on words? The Sun Also Rises I don't It's a pun They words? The Sun Also Rises? It's a pun. They insist that it's about something else, but just the main character, they let you know his dick doesn't work and that he wants this woman.

She wants him. The whole book is just 300 pages. They're just getting drunk in Spain, right? They drink in Spain. He watches a bullfight. He goes for a swim. He eats a sandwich. You just think, is this going to get the dick going again?

Never. This can happen anywhere This happens in Wildwood, New Jersey sometimes It's just heartbreaking Honestly it'd be A very similar book Yeah

Yeah Summer in Wildwood So this is clearly About the author Did we look into The author's past? He insists that he really Had a strong

Of course he did It's Hemingway Hemingway's penis Is beyond question But then what He went to He got injured right In war or something

I think so But Didn't he kill himself Because his dick didn't work? Everyone in the family Killed themselves Yeah his penis. It's beyond question. He got injured, right? In war or something? I think so. Did he kill himself because his dick didn't work? Everyone in the family killed themselves. Ovens again? Is this another oven story? No. I promised to keep it out of that. No, he could be suicide. I think his sister, I think his granddaughter, I think his dad.

They just have a brain condition where you get 75 and everyone gets proper suicide. Yes. That's when you should turn the lights off. No against the dying of the light hang on enjoy being no yes see what happens your dick doesn't work i can tell what happens you're trying you're trying to stay healthy in the late age i am taking after that no no i can tell what do you mean you've lost weight i've lost weight yeah after that bad picture you came out you've lost weight. I've lost weight? Yeah, after that bad picture you came out, you've lost weight. You're trying to stay fit and sassy so you can have a good old age. I lost 60 pounds since that picture. Holy fuck, dude.

And that's the new photographer. I haven't seen her yet. Should be the old photographer. Yeah. Unbelievable. The balls are hurt. To say send. Like you didn't hit the click three, four times.

It was the first time she'd seen you. She just thought that's what you looked like. Oh, my God. I don't think I've ever heard Shane laugh that hard. He just kept sending it back to me. And then his girl put an edit on it. She put it in Photoshop and then put another fat layer, like a gobstopper. It's like another layer of fucking seal fat.

It was every level. You got the chin. You got tummy. You got width. Yeah. And you look good. I look good right now. I think it's a fat. now No I'm saying go fat

You look good You look like you lost 10 pounds I went to a Hispanic barber Because it looked like the cheapest one And they had a monkey They had a They had a small monkey Everyone does this here

They're normal people James They're good people They're hardworking people. Like the monkey from Friends. Yeah. It was in pajamas on a leash and it kept screaming. Are you serious? Yeah.

Like an actual live monkey was in the shop on a leash. And they had it on a leash. And it was like, wouldn't get down from a door frame. It was open. Just looking out the door. It was sick. You sure it wasn't just like one of their ugly kids it was so small there were some kids there

beautiful beautiful babies I may start going back there so I don't want to talk it down it was not a terrible haircut but he just all he did was shave the back of my you know the bump on the he just kept pushing it in there and I thought I've got other hair

to cut he did like three cuts for the rest of it. And I just, wow. Just hammering the back. That's how I first started cutting. Hammering the back, yeah. Cut my own hair. Because he would just hammer the back. The guy would just rub his balls on my back.

And he just kept going higher and higher. And I'd walk out with like a marine bouffant. And everybody in the town started having the same haircut. So everybody in my high school, grade school, they all had that. A poof. And then just high and tight. All the way to the same haircut. So everybody in my high school, they all had that, a poof, and then just high and tight all the way to the poof. What did you tell him

when you got your haircut? What did you tell him? What did you? Short, short back and sides and longer on the top. Yeah. And that,

I realized after I said it, that could mean anything. It could mean anything. And I had really long hair. And so as he was doing it, he went, oh, you want more off? I was like, yeah.

And he went, oh, transformation. Was that your Hispanic? Yeah. and I had really long hair and so as he was doing it he went oh you want more off I was like yeah and he went oh transformation was that your Hispanic yeah dude I need a transformation oh transformation it made me happy I gotta get a haircut

I got no idea where to go yes you do go to his place get rid of his get rid of his wing things dude this is insane I like it I wish I had that

I'm upset not to have that anymore. But I was starting to feel like fat Rasputin. So I had to do something about it. The beard has to go next. The beard's gone. It's mustache. Well, you can ask a Latino to shave that down a little bit. I was so close.

When it goes fully flat, it's so much more Hispanic. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted the full bowl. The bangs are nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bangs. The straight bangs. That's every Hispanic guy at work looks like that. Yeah. Can wanted the full bold. The bangs are nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The bangs, the straight bangs.

That's every Hispanic guy at work looks like that. Yeah. I can't do it. You know when someone has that haircut that it's like, clearly they do something when they go to the club. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

But right now at Walgreens, it's... Dude, gel bangs. That's why he's working at Walgreens to get the... You know what I mean? Yeah. Get the tablets to help the ladies. The deodorant part? The deodorants are locked up.

Do you think in Trump's America that'll ever get wound back or is that, that's done forever? The locking up. Locking stuff up at the Walgreens. Can we get to a point of freedom where that ends? Yeah, you just got to move to a place where it's, you know, they trust each other.

No, I want to go deep into the heart of East Austin and get free. Yeah, I bet they realize they don't lose any product and they can just blame it on minorities. Yeah. You can just be like, I know, we'd love to leave it unlocked, but so easy to

steal sunscreen. Too many gelled bangs. Too many un-gelled bangs. No, you don't steal with the bangs gelled up you steal that's right out of bed dude there's nothing scarier than a white dude

with gelled bangs that's a problem that kid's a problem he's a pill head he's got bad tattoos and his parents left a lot when he was growing up the chin strap's

not far behind chin strap chin strap gelled bangs that boy will fucking swing in grade school if he's got both that's a smart kid that's irony smart kid.

That's irony. No one's rocking the both. Oh, what? I want to do it. What? You've never been to Philly, dude? What, this and the gel? That's the wig costume. Can I ask a question about why destroy your own town

when you've won the Super Bowl? Because it only comes around once in a while. It's happening. I know it didn't happen for like 30 years, but. It's a jobs program. You know what I mean? You're giving more jobs. Someone's got to. It's happening. I know it didn't happen for like 30 years, but... It's a jobs program. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're giving more jobs.

Someone's got to... It's working class solidarity in Philadelphia. You need to get in there and put it back up. You know how many jailbang Latinos are like,

let's fucking go, dude. I can clean this city up. It was nuts. I watched some of the footage. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't go to the parade, but we went to the game.

There's got to be people in Philadelphia hoping that the birds lose so that that doesn't happen. That's crazy. No, everyone would just like. That's crazy. There would be some people out there going. People that don't like football?

People who have to put up the light post the next day? Now that's probably a good game. I've never met a fucking mom that wasn't bleeding green. All my friends' moms are fucking fanatics. They're crazy. Don't flip cars if they could get there. How many would you have to win back-to-back to take it easy on? It's the destruction issue.

No, no. Back-to-back, you'd have the opposite. It'd be more destruction. So you're saying back-to-back-to-back, you might soften a bit. No, if you broke the record in the free pit. I don't think there's no... You'd have to start killing people in the middle of town. It's an old boat.

There's only one gear and you fucking go. What you need is... Everything can get caught on fire. Doesn't matter. It's such a... I don't know how they've managed to preserve it. It's such a beautiful town. Well, we don't win that much.

It's such violent, destructive people. We don't win that much. That's the key. You've got to watch that. You've got a great system so what people say people say that yeah it is a good system on it the problem is when when you win it all everything starts to fade so we're losing our offensive coordinator because you just get plucked because you're the best of the best yeah so other teams that suck go i want that

guy that knows what the fuck he's doing they can pay more money so they pluck him then they got to find a replacement it's not the same camaraderie. The fucking, you know, the energy and the vibes are all different. And a lot of our guys are going to want promotions. Yeah.

So a lot of the linemen, defensive and offensive, people are just going to go, I need more money if you want me here. You saw what I did last year. Yeah. I think we're in pretty good shape.

And then you go, I got budget restrictions. Look at that. You've managed to enjoy that Super Bowl victory for... Three days. We're in pretty good shape, though. I think we'll be all right. I'm not that worried about losing.

I'm not. I'm not either. We've got a long... You're very young core. But I think the key is if you keep winning them back to back, destruction increases. If you win, lose a year, two years, then you win again, then it can start to taper.

You still remember that you won, it's just another one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You got to give time for the buildings to rebuild. Yeah, yeah. Once you win, like, yeah, if you went on like a Patriots level run, I think by the end you'd be pretty relaxed.

Yeah. The first one was nuts. The city would also look like Boston in the 1700s. Fucking tea party. No, the police get better at the barricading and traffic control. Yeah. That was what was crazy about the first one is no one knew how many people were going to come. Yeah.

And they'd never been done before. So it was just like. Well, when did the greasing up of the poles start? I feel like that was like eight to 10 years ago i feel like people did that it was early for something else i don't think it was the eagles but you've never even in the modern era you've had two or three two two we've been there all right four times yeah we lost to the saints and then you lost to the the chiefs chiefs wait no no yeah that's the patriots that's the patriots with mcdan you lost to the Chiefs. Chiefs. Wait, was it the same Super Bowl? No, no, yeah, yeah. No, it was the Patriots.

It was the Patriots with McDowell. And then lost to, yeah, the Chiefs. All right, I'm coming in. I would always watch the Super Bowl, but I didn't know the story in the run-up to it. But we had a lot of NFC Championship games. We were very close to getting the Super Bowl a few other times, like three or four other times.

Does that mean something? What? Is anyone happy about that? No, not enough. if you don't go the whole way yeah terrible right yeah you lose the game before the super bowl or the super bowl itself you'd yeah it's way worse than if you got knocked out before the i'd rather lose by 60 we call them grand finals instead of super bowls we lost one the the crows in australia like i don't know eight years ago and i still wake up at night sometimes. Yeah.

I'm sad about it. Yeah. And it's like this is a bad investment, I've realized, is liking sport. In your time, yeah, yeah. Well, just like how many teams are there in the NFL? 32. 32. Yeah. So you've got, I don't know, it's not, you know,

different teams are good and bad, but you've got like roughly a one in 32 chance of being happy that year and a 31 out of 32 chance of being devastated yeah and also winning doesn't feel that much better than losing feels bad you know like losing feels so bad i don't think i disagree with this all right how long a stretch of time do you feel bad that's my whole fucking life until the first win yeah so you're used to the pain and misery but once you lose again it comes right back down that's fine but the win dude we beat the patriots that first win i first of all the phillies when the phillies won in uh 2018 uh oh 2008 2008 rather we the e Eagles won in 2017, 2018.

When they won in 2008, that was the first championship I've ever witnessed since being born in 79. I cried. I dropped to my knees and I cried in my apartment staring at a small television. The feeling I had will never... It's a monkey off your back.

It'll never compare to the lows and the pain of losing. We'll never surpass when you finally win it all. You got a bit of... The crows won when I was like six and then seven. They went back to back. I guess this is just going to keep happening.

Part of a winning tradition. It's been 25 years and we haven't done anything. I could crow hop a bag of gummy bears at your forehead and you'd be like, you forget about the crows. Six years old, you don't know shit. Well, yeah. I remember, man, we didn't go. People had their scarves and they would spin them around.

Honking in the street. That was nice. It is nice to walk outside and go, everyone's happy. Yeah. That's a weird solitary moment. And you do think that you're like you are part of a winner oh yeah yeah when you're young and you win them you start going like okay this is how it's supposed to be yeah we're an elite group of people yes and we belong to a

very like prestigious organization everyone else wishes they were us Yeah Sports like truly ends racism It like It makes you Bonded with strangers Builds new kinds of racism Against other football teams Not when you're winning When you're winning

It's pretty fucking great The team comes together If you're losing Those other guys Yeah yeah But even that Like okay I'm weirded out

This is ages ago We were talking about Pittsburgh and Philadelphia. Yeah. And you're like, there's no rivalry there. No. And the more I dig it, like Pittsburgh doesn't feel that there's a rivalry there. No.

Especially. They're all Cincinnati. It's division, but then there are people outside of that that they care about. It's also so, that's why they call it pencil tucky. So. It's so far west. I know of no state in America, and it's weird that I got to see it first, that has less to do with itself.

Everywhere in Texas goes, we are fucking Texan. You could be in the mountains. You could be in Austin. You could be popping that ass in Houston. All over the place. And they're like, oh, see, that's how it's with Texas. Pennsylvania is three, four different things that really have nothing to do with one another. You go 30 minutes west or 45 north, you're in an Amish country.

You're in an Amish country, and people have accents, and they've camo flesh. Eerie feels like a time thing, even. Yeah, it's gross. It didn't feel... I feel like in Texas, though, too, it's like they're big drivers. They're driving around. They're driving around Texas. They're scooting.

Yeah, they're like... They're scooting. In the East Coast, if something's like two hours away, they're like you're scooting in the east coast if something's like two hours away you're like i mean that's that's forever yeah might as well go to florida yeah upstate pennsylvania pennsylvania is like north the top of pennsylvania is like north of connecticut yeah it's like what the fuck is going on up there i don't know anything about erie yeah they have a little comedy club I'm thinking about getting in touch with. Yeah, I bet it's great.

Pittsburgh is West Virginia. Yes. Yes. Yeah. I mean, also, you should give West Virginia. Let West Virginia have one city. What? Let West Virginia have one city.

No, let's let them fucking die in the mountains. They're the best people in this whole country. They are fucking mountain mutants. That's a man who's never been over to Biscuit World and doesn't know. Oh, for biscuits? Yeah, I'll go there for breakfast. Oh, the breakfasts. Yeah.

Also, Dollar General. You can get a lot more at Dollar General, and that's the only store. I will never tire of promoting the Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. It's the greatest documentary I've ever seen in my life. I haven't seen it. Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? Yeah. It is the greatest documentary you'll ever seen i've seen wonderful whites of west virginia yeah yeah it is the greatest documentary you'll ever see in your life this hodgepodge group of absolute

misfit pillhead drunks it's so fascinating how it's just generational mongoloids doing drugs in shacks they're really out family members and creating spawn retards that will demolish our country. And it's a beautiful thing. They're not going to demolish. They're not going anywhere. That's my point. You've never seen such welcoming people in your whole life. If you open the cage of West Virginia, dude.

No, there's cosmopolitan West Virginia. You go down the dog track. I bet there is. See, I love those is I bet there's some cute little towns see I love those I love those towns they had economic collapse

so hard modernism didn't get it's evil claws in there we don't have any new buildings good this is nice I do appreciate that and they're on a little river bend and it's beautiful it It's the most beautiful

And there's a bridge collapsing into that river. It's filled with old abortions and they're doing it. They don't believe in that in West Virginia They're not doing that. They're taking a hard line on that. Raw milks become legal there. They're good people They're doing things the natural way. They got leftover milk from all the abortions. I did. I'm not trying to... Dead baby Jews. Yes, because the women would still be lactating. I'm saying they don't do the abortions though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They would have a milk...

They do them. They do them. They just do them. It's off the books. I don't believe there's a single abortion happening in West Virginia. It's off the books. They're too sweet. a single abortion happening In West Virginia They're too sweet, they're too good I'm obviously joking around There is a charm to these small towns that are untouched

And unfazed by modern Technology and advancement I just couldn't imagine Being a part of that You don't think they have advancement down there? Let me tell you, drive-thru cigarettes You go to Gumby's beer and cigarette world you don't have to get out of the car to get your cigarettes they hand them right to you it's a

drive-through beer and cigarette place and they got candy for the kids because a lot of people are driving through kids in the back that's what i was doing new orleans they have drive-through like liquor store yeah in australia that's a big thing the drive-through it's amazing we call them oh new orleans is great too I'm just so angry With grey Austin looks so grey today It's just grey Yeah

And bleak And then you look at the skyscraper You know They're just glass boxes With no one in them You were on call I didn't know Chris was gonna go to the game You were second in line

You were in the fucking dugout bro No Yeah Wait for the Superbowl? Yes you were I hate to bring That's fine I also told you It's for the Superbowl Yes, you were. I hate to bring it up. That's fine. I also told you it's for the Super Bowl commercial.

You've got to start keeping these things as secrets from me. Yeah, I'm sorry. You've got to cut. I'm still trying to get credit for the ticket I didn't give you. I almost put you in a commercial. I almost brought you to the Super Bowl. I mean, I get nothing from you. Sam Talent.

I get nothing from you. We had to give it to Sam Talent because of Sam. No, I'm a real kingmaker over here. I decide. Could have been kingmaker. Any other great opportunities I'm missing out on at the moment? I wasn't confident. Real job creator.

I didn't know you were going to fucking pull the trigger, dude. There's enough beautiful things. We're all worried about you. I had to move house that weekend. Yeah. I still haven't fully moved out. How's the new place? It's great.

It's big. It's bigger. It's not vibrant. Man, I went back to the old neighborhood and there was just a schizophrenic woman shouting into the park, which she does sometimes. And she was going like. Yeah.

She was shouting, don't talk to me that way, sir. I don't like it when you talk to me that way. To nobody. She's not on the phone. Is this one of those Lord of the Rings trees? Yeah. How could she see me? I feel like I made the right choice when I saw her popping off like that.

I was like, you can't have kids and grow up in a place like that, but it's just nicer to, I the i'm the nut in the new neighborhood like i'm the problem i walk around i walk around i talk on the phone and people look out of their windows and be like what's he doing yeah you're a big phone guy i like that i do love the phone kelly's like that he always there's no texting so just straight calls isn't it i feel like i like i like when you call me i to get out there with my fucking thumbs. Like, hello. It takes forever. Yeah.

There's no personality in that. What I hate is the voice recording memo. When someone sends you a 45 second recording of themselves and you just have to stand there and listen to their... Do you get that? Do people send you that? Yeah, Gerben sends me some of those. I kind of like it.

No, it's crazy. No, because they get to say something to you. You get to load some thoughts. Well, Gerben says it because of his ailments. He's not going to tell you. No, he doesn't. He just doesn't want to get locked in a back and forth. You're doing something else.

You're watching golf videos. Send you a little something. I've met Gerben a couple of times. He's a TV star oozing charisma. But some guy you work with giving you a two-minute message, he doesn't have the razzle-dazzle to carry a sitcom. Yeah. Yes, yes, yeah.

This is like saying Matthew Perry left me a, yeah, it'd be nice if Matthew Perry did it. If you're leaving a voice memo, you really got to thunder through it. This episode is brought to you by Heal.com. You're goddamn right it is, dude. Heal. Heal. You know what it is? I love it. You episode is brought to you by Heal.com. You're goddamn right it is, dude. Heal. Heal. You know what it is?

I love it. You're holding my third bag. I'm almost done my second bag. Jeez, Louie. And I ran through. Churn and burn it. Churn and burn it. And I ran through the black edition already pre-made shakes that I like to drink.

They're great. Both vanilla and the chocolate are great. I haven't had vanilla. I got three bags of chocolate. You steal my vanilla? Do you get all vanilla? No, I just got a big box of vanilla. Well, maybe they've switched up our addresses.

No, you had vanilla. You probably gave your vanilla away. What about you, vanilla face? You take my fucking vanilla? No, no, no. You probably gave your vanilla away. I got vanilla. I'll give you vanilla. Don't start. This is for you. That's for you. It's a gift from me to you

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To me, it's the, I get a lunch rush where I put off lunch too long and I get really hungry and I need something fast. Right. And then I'm hitting the heel. You're hitting the heel. Yeah. Hitting the heel at lunch. Yeah, I'm hitting the heel at lunch. Dude, your hair looks unbelievable

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This actually feels like you're eating something. It's gritty. Yeah. It feels like it's... They tested it. They put it in the lab and they tested it. They probably tested it. Yeah, yeah.

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When's the last time you needed a doctor and you pushed it off? We're current. We're living in it. Yeah, we are living in it. Yeah. There's not even a time. It's a time frame. Yeah.

I need it. Yeah. It's been a period. It's been a 20-year period of my life. You make excuses, right? You're too busy. It'll heal on its own. The burning's going to go away.

That kind of stuff, right? So you just go, fuck it'll heal on its own the burning's gonna go away that kind of stuff right so you just go fuck it i'm just gonna continue living my check it out there you go yeah yeah i think we all been there booking a doctor appointment can feel so daunting thanks to zocdoc our next sponsor for this episode zocdoc there's no reason to delay they make it so easy to find and book a doctor that's right for you. The is this normal rabbit hole. Have you ever woken up with a funky symptom? Swollen itchy eye, funky looking rash,

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Slash Stuff Island. ZocDoc.com.-o-c.com slash stuff island zocdoc.com slash stuff island there you go let's go get healthy courtesy of stuff you can't be yeah just bleeding no big pauses yeah you have to have very assertive message that you know exactly what you want to say right and you just need all this and let me just get it out yeah the phone calls are a lot of yeah and uh you know hold hold on. Someone, someone's ringing the door. That's where the fun gets in on the phone call. Yes.

You find out things you, you didn't know you were going to talk about. Yes. Yeah. A lot of misdirections. A voicemail was just an email. Yeah. You know, like you kind of stop and say at eight seconds in your voice quavered.

What did that mean? Yeah. It's too late to go back. Yeah. Yeah. No, I love the call. What did that mean? Yeah. It's too late to go back and get the angles. Yeah. No, I love the call. The video call I hate.

Crazy. What options are there? That's crazy. FaceTime? A FaceTime call is insane. Yeah. How do you do it without upsetting the people you're around is the question. Well, even if it's in your house. That's the real pickle of the phone call.

There are certain neighborhoods you can live in where I'm told it's an acceptable thing to do. Certainly not in my current neighborhood. They'd be absolutely furious, but maybe my old neighborhood. The barber shop today would have been an easy place. I was told early on here because I was with people in Australia and I was talking to my kids back home and whatever

and someone said, white people don't do that. As a white, you're not allowed to have a speakerphone going in public. Yeah, yeah. And that's fine. I accept that rule for, you know. I always joke that I want like a climate impact study on like FaceTime being used instead of just a phone call. Just to get it wiped out?

No, I'm just saying it's like they so often are not looking at the phone, but they are FaceTiming on speakerphone, which has to bleed the battery. Oh, yeah. Which is, you know, coal's being burned to make that possible. Yeah, but I don't know that the people

doing the video calls are the same people. The power plant is straining under the weight of charging phones on buses. I'm not saying climate change isn't real. Petaline and steel is coming back. What drives me nuts is when they put it on speaker and it's not even FaceTime and they're yelling into their phone in the wrong end. Yeah. Like they're just screaming at the top of a fucking telephone.

Well, this is, you don't have enough Asians to counterbalance this. I'm going to say this. I'm going to make it racist again. You don't have enough Asians to stop this. Yeah. Asians, you've got a lot of Asians in Australia on public transport, really frowning at any talking yeah even polite quiet talking helps yeah it's like you're on a japanese yeah yeah like if there was like a new sim city that would be like a thing you'd put on the bus to quiet it down yeah dude asians that's the eagles you bring in to deal with the

rats that you brought in to deal with the insects Asians in like an unruly social setting It's like drinking milk after hot wings Yeah Like they'll settle down the intensity And they'll say it Some of the whites might suppress that Let that go They've got some guilty feelings about what's going on

For whatever reason Asians, no such fun You be quiet Yeah You are annoying people Yes, yes yes yeah they're elitists they have courage yeah yeah they're kings and queens i was in a big argument about asians recently you cut any of this you have to i was saying they dress with the best stuff they dress

with uh all the fashion and no style yeah you know as opposed to some black people that you i see out and about who often don't dress with any fashion but great style. Incredible style. And I think that the black and Asian truly are.

Yeah. Competing. There's something there. On somewhere. Yeah, yeah. Speaking of hot wings, I dated a black and Asian. You don't want to go there, dude.

Also, the wings. You do not want to. You know? That is a fire pit, dude. Fucking sailors dive directly into a fire pit. They're fucking insane. What, this?

Combo. Black and Asian. You need to get a bigger sample size than one. Oh, yeah, yeah. One is not enough. What's a sailor's dive? Sailor's dive is when you put your hands behind your back and head first. Yeah.

Oh, I thought you were describing sailors diving into a- You're not breaking the surface of the water or anything. I thought it was a weird poetic image that you were giving for the relationship. Just a sailor. A sailor's diving. Jumping into a fire? That's what it was? Yeah, yeah.

That woman. I thought it was like, yeah, some old timey kind of reference. I've seen sailors dive into fire pits. To avoid such a disaster. It's Hemingway. He's good. He's a good writer. I'm taken aback by how much I like Hemingway.

I thought I hated him. I thought he was boring. He's not. He's great. Yeah. Fine. Nothing happened in the whole book. No, it's a lot of like sitting around bars and complaining about like people and the

way they look in the bars. But it's great. Great guest. Yeah. That's it. The whole book is literally him just being like, and then this fucking guy walks in. Yeah, it's our whole life. With his fucking thing.

As a hot woman. Wish I could have fucked her. I couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. What are we complaining about? Yeah. It's literally every conversation I've ever had with you. I had a sandwich.

And in the middle of him fantasizing about one girl, I feel like an old girl that he wanted to fuck walks in. Yeah, he's like, I can't fuck her either. I forgot I wanted to fuck walks in. Yeah, he's like, I can't fuck her either. I forgot I wanted to fuck her. He just wants everybody. And he can't have an erection. My dick's misfiring. Like he's catching himself in his own

delusion in the middle. Because he's like, I could fuck her. And then like the ghost of Christmas fast walks by. He's like, like he's like i could fuck her yeah and then like a the ghost of christmas past was like he's like oh yeah i tried to fuck her and that didn't work this probably also but it's worse because the dick doesn't work so the whole time he's like yeah i can't fuck this woman that i want to fuck oh there's another one i can't so it's that prominent in the book that his dick doesn't work it just keeps there's you're gonna like this one section so he gets injured in Italy during the war,

and the most vivid description of his injury is he's in a hospital surrounded by Italians who are going, oh, no, we'd rather die. Crazy. And it's like, that's very Hemingway, I think. I've only read this book. Everything is very Hemingway. But it's like, yeah, if you were to have one guy in the hospital with you to sympathize

but let you know this was really bad that your dick didn't work anymore Italians hands down yeah it's very I'm going very racial I've decided not to have

I'm not going to ever talk about I don't believe in race anymore there's no race that's my new thing don't believe in it don't see it everyone's an individual that's very

I'm self-blinding myself I'm the Oedipus of race yeah well I've come up with another way to describe it but do you of you. I'm self-blinding myself. I'm the Oedipus of race. Well, I've come up with another way to describe it. Do you know what I'm saying? Self-blinding myself? Yeah.

I'm choosing not to say it. You're cutting your own dick off. I'm cutting my dick off. It was too big. It was reminding me of race. I think there's got to be a turn. It's all been race for so long in America. Yeah. People always go, is now the class wave?

Are we going to start talking about class? No. Maybe never. Maybe you'll never get to it. I feel like people that still make it about race, it's like post-COVID, these maniacs that are still wearing masks and going on parades about fucking mayhem and the world's gonna end people just want to lock into something because it's their personality yeah so people that believe in

this absurd racism that's like overpowering the country it's just i don't think it's real i mean live you have to live around other races and you go, oh, yeah, it's not a thing. In this country, you have to live in one neighborhood over. I find, like in New York, in L.A., it's like you cross one road and it's like we're in the Hispanic town now. Yeah, of course. That's my point. Let me tell you, Australia. You've got to be exposed to it.

Beautiful. Nah, that's real exposed. That's one street and there's Croatian man there, Sudanese man there, Vietnamese, and you get to see who's joining the front. Or you could not be exposed to it at all and just assume that everyone's like you. Like us, right? No, we just have different race.

We have different people. You have different shades of pitch. No, we have, the Asian thing is a lot. We've got a lot of Asian people and we've got so many, so many wogs, so many Italians and Mediterranean persons. So many wogs? We call them W-O-G. Wogs. Wog. You call Italians wogs, so many Italians and Mediterranean persons. So many wops? We call them W-O-G. Wogs.

Wog. You call Italians wogs? They fused in the 70s, 80s into a new thing. Everyone who was on the Mediterranean, the Lebs, the Lebanese, the Greeks, the Croatians, the Italians, the Spaniards. You loop them all in. They all talk like this. And they're all one new thing.

Wow. Now that's racist. Yeah. So anyone that's darker than you, you just lump into one coal. Well, there's a middle section. They did it themselves, is what he's saying. Wow. It happened very...

Well, no, we did it. We definitely helped. You pushed them in the one corner. There was a choice they made to live in a particular slum. The Irish were very close to getting in there the irish could have become wogs but we we zigged yeah we got into the white category yeah we probably should have zagged we didn't know what was coming for the last 10 years of difficult you know i like that wog w-o-g yeah they're great oh man i miss wogs Maybe you guys are just saying Wop wrong You know what I mean

With your goofy fucking accent No it means something Without It's a feeling Once you see them You'll know It'll pull out Without gums

But you went White people couldn't say it 10-15 years ago The Anglos couldn't say it And now it's It's good It's like It's acceptable

It's been claimed You can say it They're happy enough with it The hate's all gone I believe America will do this With some words They're happy enough with it. The hate's all gone. Yeah, yeah. It's kind of cool. I believe America will do this with some words at some point. Yeah.

I'm just, the hate with familiarity comes out. Yeah. I believe. Give it a couple years. You let it all ride out. Who gives a fuck? I just, I can't believe it. I can't.

We're in Trump's time now. Yeah. It feels different. The first time around, it didn't feel like he was actually in power. Who was it that couldn't say Paki? The British get very upset about that. The Brits can't say Paki. Oh, the Brits get upset that I say Paki?

Yes, they do. Why? Because they were so bad. Yeah, exactly. You go out and you build people railroads, you give them dignity and civilization. Because they enslaved them for hundreds of years? The British did? I don't think they did.

I just imagine. This is why the British were so sneaky. They were anti-slavery, but only because they were so good at machinery. They had all the industrialization. So they're like, well, now that we have factories, you can't have slaves to compete with us. That would be wrong. Now that we've just invented our way out of slavery,

you're evil for having the thing we had yesterday. Scum. Not that anyone should have slaves. That's how they combated the Luddites. They were like, what are you, pro-slavery? I love the Luddites. Why are we not Luddites? Why aren't we

smashing up all the AI cars? I don't know. They're evil. It's coming, you know? The AI's coming, and then you just got to link up with it. Have you seen these cars out there with no driver? Yeah, the Waymos. Yeah, there's a lot of them around here. Spooky.

The Waymos. Waymos are fucking pop off. And they kind of drive off. They drive like dicks. Waymos are pop off. That's actually a nice racial term is a Waymo, dude. This guy drives around like he's not fucking behind the wheel. Where's your brain?

Where's your brain? Some Cupertino or something? Too many Waymos down that way. Dude, I have no joke being cut off by a Waymo. And their food's not good. Yeah, yeah. I don't mind if my daughter dates one. She's not going to fucking marry one.

That's why I'm getting back into gaming. I'm trying to, I'm getting ready for the simulation. What's the game? What's the game? What are you gaming? He just gets bullied in the chain saying, you got to buy this.

And then you have to see. He didn't ask me to. I bought it. Did you? Yeah, I bought it. I was like, let's go. You bought a video gaming machine? Yeah. What'd you get? I got an Xbox. to. I bought it. Did you? Yeah, I bought it. I was like, let's go. You bought a video gaming machine? Yeah.

What'd you get? I got an Xbox. Nice. It's fantastic. What are you getting better at? This is so funny. Nothing. Just, dude, we went through like three to six months of Chris Cohen.

I need to just, I need to focus. I need to like just, I got to write. I got to read. I got to focus. I need to like, just, I got to write. I got to read. I got to be structured. Your text this morning was like, I was up till 5am. Game. Your fucking life is upside down.

You got me with the bait and switch. We both got home from the bar and he was like, I'm jumping in. I was like, all right, I'm in. 15 minutes later, he's like,

Taco Bell's here. I got a ditch. And I was like, dude, I'm in the, I'm in. 15 minutes later, he's like, Taco Bell's here. I got a ditch. And I was like, dude, I'm in the battle. I'm in the war. And then you were committed to video gaming? And then I was playing great. But it does actually get me kind of on a schedule. I get up, I write in the morning, and then in the afternoon, I fucking...

You save the gaming? No, it's like an online thing. You can just jump into like a giant war. It's all like... You playing Fortnite? No, I'm playing... It's called Hell Let Loose. Hell Let...

And it's great. Dude, I was with Finn. I've been playing with Finn, our merch guy. Oh, no shit. Yes. All right, I'll buy it. Dude, we got in. We were a recon group.

I had fucking binoculars and he had the fucking sniper rifle and we were deep behind enemy lines. And he was... fucking binoculars and he had the fucking sniper rifle and we were deep behind enemy lines. And he was and dude dude it was just him and I on a railroad track.

I will say dude I'm talking a lot of shit. Fucking people up. I'm talking a lot of shit because when we got Oculus and we were playing fucking Onward Yeah.

I'd be minding my own business in the bedroom and you'd see that group chat fire up from one of like five people going I'm about to hit anybody up and you're like that group chat fire up from one of like five people going, I'm about to hit anybody up. And you're like, I'm going to wait for one more guy to say yes.

And you're like, let's go. Were you wearing the goggles on this? Yeah. Yeah. The virtual reality goggles. I managed to stay away from them. Buddy, it's so fun. Your kids would obviously love it.

I wouldn't let them touch it. No, of course. No, there's education. After what I've been looking at. It wouldn't be the fucking terrorist fucking one. You could just beat it off. Did you use the alcohol wipes on that? Burn it.

I went once in a store for six minutes and I felt changed when I took them off. I felt sad to be back in a Best Buy instead of being in an enormous temple where I was a god of war. Yeah. And wouldn't it be crazy if it was just a Best Buy virtual reality on there and there was just all Asian workers being like very polite? He'd take it off. He's like, put that down!

Man, you're pushing it all up! You'll pay for that? I thought that was an Asian accent. It's the other one. No, I got where you were going. I don't need the goggles not to see race. Race doesn't really exist. Race doesn't.

That was a test. No, it's over. That was a test. I'm sick of everyone being lumped in together. Black guys. They're all the same. Wrong. Ethiopians look different and their food's different.

And they've got the Ark of the Covenant and some of them are Jews. It's all different. Yeah, I've been colorblind for a while. Wow. Yeah. True. I just don't. I'm manufactured.

I love Harry's. What? I love Harry's. Yeah. Harry's razors? Yeah. Yeah. I need those razors.

I'm going to go clean cut. I'm going gonna get this hair cut and i'm gonna start shaving every day have you tried it yet harry's yeah no it's fucking great is it i got it really i i only use the back of my neck right now because i'm growing up my beard for do you got a mirror situation going on back there you just let it run you just guess i no i got it's a little side touch but you know what i like about harry's they don't have the old school bend like this or i'm sorry major brands i guess you can't say major brands but it doesn't have a bend in the razor it's a nice straight flat like the ergonomic nature of this i'm not kidding is very nice ergonomics go to harry's harry's delivers

right to your door at a fraction of the price of what these major brands do yeah do these major brands let me tell you something about these major brands fuck out of here the highway robbery highway robbery yeah why don't you use a gun yeah hey chris better design shaving products at a better price is no joke it's harry's and right now you can get 13 trial set for just three bucks at harry's.com slash stuff violent that's crazy yeah go go to harry's don't don't go to the store and press the button and have someone have to open a thing for you yes that's a whole nother thing we talked about in the patreon patreon.com slash stuff violent

sign up and find out what we talked right after you go to harry's go to harry's.com slash stuff finally get $13 trial just for three bucks the kit they sent me was a razor two extra uh razors themselves blades and they also have a travel case to protect the razor that you've already been working like that i aspire to hold on to and to use travel cases of all kinds dude no joke especially for a razor and a toothbrush how many times i've gone through the airlines and they've taken my razor because it's not properly put away really yeah they've taken a straight razor off my because i used to use it would you believe they took my box cutter I used to use it.

Would you believe they took my box cutter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's carrying a 9mm. It's a drill. How am I supposed to make pilot holes? Yeah. My dad was a carpenter. No, the packaging is beautiful.

It's sleek. It came, and I got excited when I packaging is beautiful. It's sleek. It came and I got excited when I opened it up. It's like it's a lighter. They try to use it. It's broken. Just trying to light my shoe on fire. It's German engineered blades made their own factory that stays sharp longer. German engineered blades made in their own factory that stays sharp longer. German engineered blades made in their own factory that stays sharp longer. Customizable delivery options for scheduled refills as low as $2.

Half of what you would get for the big brands, let alone asking to unlock the goddamn cages. Get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel. I forgot to talk about the foaming shave gel. And a travel cover for just $3 at harrys.com slash stuff. You get a five blade razor, weighted handle, foaming shave gel, and a travel cover for $3 at harrys.com forward slash S-T-U-F-F. Richly lathering, skin softening, body wash, and scents like redwood,

woodlands, and stone. Extra strength, high quality, amazing smelling deodorant for just $5. Plus, hair and other grooming options and products that fit your unique look and needs. We're talking high customer satisfaction in the shaving industry. No risk trial. You don't like your shave? No worries. It's on them, Chris.

Convenient subscription option that you can cancel at any time. Get the shaving products that always deliver. Get Harry's. Normally their trial is set to $13, but right now you can get it for just $3 at harrys.com slash stuff. That's our exclusive link. harrys.com slash stuff, S-T-U-F-F for a

$3 trial set. Get fucking Harry's. Love it. Go to Harry's. Come to Houston this weekend, Friday and Saturday. Go to Harry's. Come to Houston this weekend. Friday and Saturday. Go to the Riot Comedy Club in Houston to come see me. There you go. Go to the Riot

Houston. Tommy Joseph. Right. It's a great club. Yeah. Alright. See ya. I was born colorblind. Yeah. It's easy. You ever seen some of the outfits he wears? It's easy to transition wear he'll wear a sweatshirt that's like what construction guys wear to not get hit by oncoming traffic and then i'll have like bright blue pants on i'm like you just fell through a lost and found dude this is this is a crazy merch you gotta be careful there's fucking waymos out

there you gotta be careful have you seen what Waymos out there. You got to be careful. Have you seen what they're releasing from the Waymos now? So they've got them out there driving with nobody in them, right? Yeah. Like no passengers in them. They're just on the streets moving. Well, they're picking up a passenger. There's so many of them driving 100% empty.

And I've never heard someone go, I'm catching a Waymo to the thing. I think they're just out there. But they're recording accidents that they are avoiding that drivers would have caused yes of course so like on the austin news if there's a waymo didn't kill someone today yeah in a way that you would have killed them but the waymo doesn't and there's like a lady on her e-scooter and she falls off the waymo just moves around and it's like you would have killed that lady very impressive that's crazy there's a counterfact i don't don't know why. They're doing propaganda. If they weren't on the road, it would have been...

Yeah, if the Waymo wasn't there at all, the lady would be fine. It is so funny when you do pass a Waymo and you see a passenger and there's just one random dude in the front seat. Ah! It is... He's just looking around.

He's just reading the papers. At least jump in the... You can jump behind the wheel, right? I think those guys are in there as a backup in case the Waymo goes rogue. No, that's the passenger. The passenger, now they're empty.

In the front seat? Yeah, front seat's empty. Like a driver's seat? Empty. No, he sits in the passenger seat. What I'm saying is you can select the driver's seat, I believe.

Also, too, it gets egalitarian to sit in the front. If the Waymo's picking me up I'm sitting in the back I'm not making chit chat with the Waymo I want to feel like I'm in a limousine I want to feel like I have a driver We should do a Waymo Patreon

Just go around Jumping in a Waymo Are they more or less expensive than an Uber? I don't care Send it It's content You could also start doing it in ubers i think that's a great pot idea talking to uber drivers wow yeah i want the five star they'll tell you

their story dude a waymo podcast is actually a fucking sick idea it's a very fun podcast just getting in a car yeah let them fucking figure it out you know what i mean we just focus on our fun jokes you can just feed you can just feed. Our fun racist bits. Feed $100 into it and just be like, just take me anywhere, man. Just drive. That'd be sweet if it still had that technology. You can drive itself. You can get your coins out.

It's not taking this one. This bill keeps coming back. Here's 300 bucks. Just go. Just drive. Just drive. Just that end of the movie vibe where you've like Pulled off the heist Just

Just drive around for an hour I gotta go anywhere Yeah let's get That's a beautiful city To do that in Let's just get stuck On the I-35 For 20 minutes

Yeah Are you connected to Outside of Blazortag The main arteries Like the High five Like the highways and stuff We're close enough

Yeah You can't get away Yeah I know You're always close To the main arteries. Did you say you did laser tag? No, no, no. But I heard you guys went to blazer tag

and I'm very jealous. Did you? Yeah. I pass that all the time. I want to try it. It is sick. I heard it's incredible. Did you go with adults or your kids?

It was all grownups. Wow. And it was, it must be done again. Yeah. Yeah. I think, man, I played in a league

when I was in high school. A laser tag league? It was like an outdoor laser tag league. Outdoors? Yeah, so it was like bigger guns but over a whole field. Yeah, I didn't... Doesn't the sun affect the bullets?

No, like real powerful lasers. Doesn't the sun affect the bullets? Did you have to wear in the song. I thought as I knew that we had gone to that subject, I thought Tommy will not take this in his stride. But it's true

and I should share it anyway. His hesitancy was like, yes, I am addicted to heroin. He was so scared to say it out loud. That's hilarious, dude. The Pembroke Panthers, four of us. A league. It was like a high school team.

We were a laser tag league in high school. We were a high school team and everyone else was in their like 40s. Oh my God. Yeah. And in hindsight, those were people who were preparing for the struggle to come. These are people who wanted to form groups and figure out how you would kill people in an open field. Yes, yes.

Great people, though. Wonderful people. Great business. Great enterprise. I'm sorry. How did you guys do? Were you good? We were like third out of four.

It was our first year doing it, and then we didn't do it again. You got to grease the poles. You win that fucking league. How big of a course was it? Huge. So you'd be sneaking around through the bushes. Sneaking around in the shrubs.

Yeah. On the boulders. You know? What kind of range could you get on this thing? I'm trying to convert it to feet. But I would say like 300 feet, 400 feet. Like 100 meters, 200 meters. Big.

That's pretty good. Scopes. Really? On some of them. Did you have like a limited number of rounds? They actually always made me have the little one. I don't remember about the rounds. We did it. Dude, this sounds amazing. I can't remember about the rounds. We did it.

Dude, this sounds amazing. I can't believe I haven't seen this before. It's going to be a great time. Tommy laughs now. Dude, I'm... But the bullets won't get through. It was like paintball, but no one's getting hurt.

Everyone's just having fun out there. No, I'd fuck with paintball. I did it once. Someone could hide behind like a leaf. Paintball is serious. There are a lot of different... The gun had a... Did anyone ever like hold up a mirror and like...

Called in an airstrike? Or flashed me eyeballs. This is serious business. Yeah, dude. The outdoor laser league competition. That is so fucking funny. I think they moved it indoors the next year. Did you see a pack of 40-year-olds chasing down some fat Australian teenagers?

I think I was the fattest one on the team. I think I may have been the only fat one. Oh, damn. That's fucking incredible. How'd you find out? I just can't believe it. I think we went for some kid's birthday party. And then when we formed a league, I don't believe we did.

You went around. We didn't invite him to. We may have invited him and he didn't want to do it. Or he was like, that was fun for the birthday, but I've got. I got bigger boys. I get after that, you're like, we're putting a posse together.

Yeah. The Pembroke Panthers. The Pembroke Panthers. Just strapping on the Rambo. One guy did do that. I think David Skeen would, he'd love doing the head. He had a middle part.

When he was playing hockey, sweat with field hockey we also played field hockey he had a sweatband with a middle part he yeah the cool like an anime character like an anime inside of a minor's helmet it was like no just like yeah yeah just like the old school fucking butt crack char Chaplin. It's like a jock strap on your head. Looks cool. Yeah, I like that. Big scar running down his forehead from his intense hockey activities. Men's field hockey is actually not bad.

Men's field hockey? Not just the girls? That's the thing. You've only ever seen women's field hockey, so you're like, that sport sucks. I've never. You've never seen women? You've never watched the Olympics and gone, hold on. Every year. Just 20 women bending

over on the field the whole game. There's something to this. It's a game of high strategy. Ponytails bouncing in the wind. Short skirts bending over. Wait, why would the men... It's a hole that's two teams caught in the dryer. They're just slapping

with the wood thing? Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. But they're good. They're like actually good at it. They like move the ball well and they like, yeah, yeah.

They crank it up. But I was a goalie so I had to just carry all the gear. Damn. A lot of rest time. A lot of downtime. That ball's got to fucking hurt too. Huge pads. Hur man a lot of rest time a lot of downtime that ball's gotta fucking hurt too huge pads hurts a lot yeah nasty you do get to i needed a sport

for my i didn't want to keep doing my old i don't even remember i didn't have a winter sport so i had to take something on yeah because in the degree then like you know i was doing i was doing yeah to graduate you needed like physical activity yes so i was like no like we don't have a goalkeeper i was like fine yeah so i did one year as a field the senior i got i got to be on the senior 18 there's only one team so i got to be on the first it was great yeah i don't know if you do that here you have multiple like a team to be team oh yeah dude yeah that's that's how i was i was i was senior varsity was the top varsity hockey my sophomore year. I was varsity hockey. I was senior varsity. I was the top varsity.

Yeah, let's go. You're a letterman. Does this happen with football? Yeah. Do teams just have one football team? No. This is JV. Freshman JV varsity.

Okay. Yeah. But you can take, even if you're a freshman, you can play varsity. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. But if you're a senior, you can't play junior varsity. Yeah, that'd be crazy

so people just get faded stop playing sports I don't know people get taken out as they go on like if you're not good enough to make the next

just only seniors I think can't play JV yeah but there would be like if there are freshmen competing for your spot on the senior team

as well then fewer seniors are making the senior team 100% there are people going, we're cutting you for the freshmen. That was a problem with our baseball team. Cause I went to Catholic school.

So our coaches were like teachers. Yeah. So my algebra coach was our baseball coach. Yeah. And we happen to be really good just by chance. Cause like in the suburbs of Philadelphia, there's like, you go by parish.

So it'd be like St. Charles, St. Phil's, St. Dots, St. Bernadette's saint andrews and then they all group together to go to whatever the local high school is yeah so if you go catholic you go to this high school if you go public you go to upper derby where tina fey went

and then you can go if you're like richer above state road you go to o'hara yeah so you just happen to hang out with like guys in high school yeah that went to these certain parishes so you weren't in their little leagues but it was just by chance that our team was really good but they didn't spend any money on coaching so we just had a fucking algebra teacher there's probably a br baseball analytics guy he's doing money money ball baby i fucking wish you're like this guy's an idiot no he was a great man a great you never want to hear that one great guy yeah yeah what a guy yeah how funny is he is a comment he's a great guy no no he was a wonderful man great teacher coaching wise he was just like a

a babysitter so we'd all show up and we were like really fucking good, but he couldn't, he was such a wonderful man that he wouldn't, freshmen and sophomores that should be starting on varsity. He had a hard time telling the elder that you got to sit this out. So until we all got to junior and senior year, that's when we started to be a fucking force. Because he couldn't say, this guy's better than you.

Yeah, you just had to wait until you all came up together. You just got to fucking wait. Whereas you go to a real school. You would have three years done this. Fucking, yeah. Four years. Yeah, yeah. A lot more jackets. You were a quarterback?

Yeah. In the football. And you played baseball? And basketball. When were you hitting the books? Is this common to play all three? I think so. I mean, I guess maybe just... No, it's good.

Yeah. I mean, I was getting out of every sport. I was doing weird sports to not have to compete in a good sport. Squash. I was doing water polo, squash, badminton. Water polo is hell. It's a beautiful game. Water polo is hell. Yeah, I managed to last three months in water polo

before I was sick of getting ploid in the testicles. You just do this the whole time. Yeah, it's not fair. There's no ground. Yeah. No. Although, I don't know if I've told this story. I couldn't have told this story.

No, no. I had a friend. Amos Gill, he would hold on to the net to rest his body. That's illegal, right? It is illegal. But if no one sees it, you can hold on to the net and, you know, keep your strength. And they thought he was so good that he got advanced to be like,

try it for the top team. Well, they had an alarm built into the net. And it kept going off when he drank the hoisting. Oh, he drowned. He's dead. Oh, dude, that sucks. Now he's at tryouts? Yeah, I think so.

That was the big game. He was otherwise very athletic. Dude, that's one of the most impressive sports I've seen on television. Like the Olympic water polo. You watch those Eastern European countries going at it together? Yeah. It's like Poland, yeah. Like those guys that just flop their legs the entire time.

Egg beating. And then exert themselves with such force that they come out of the water to fucking spike a ball through a net. I'm ready for the Olympics again. I don't think we should have to wait three more years. You see the fucking USA-Canada game? I read the story about all the fistfights. Oh, my God.

And that you beat them. I feel I missed the beginning. Thursday is a rematch. Yeah. And we're down our defense final. Dude, I'm fucking bandwagoning so hard right now. But the beauty of this, what do they call it? The National League?

The Four Nations Tournament. Four Nations. But who's the... Canada, I get. Yeah. America, who's the other two? Sweden and Finland. Russia doesn't get to compete?

That's what I said. We're in a bit of a conflict with them. The boys are in the fucking... The boys are playing laser tag against the Ukrainians. Officially, you're not involved with that one, are you? We're in a political situation with them. The boys are in the fucking... The boys are playing laser tag against Ukrainians. Officially, you're not involved with that one, are you? Political situation with them.

We must have peace for hockey. Because I don't think the Russians have many other sports that they can compete. No, yeah. Gymnastics. Team sport. I need the war to continue

for as long as possible because draft picks keep falling right into the flyers' hands. Let's jesus christ you want dead innocence so we can get a nice draft dude we got that's a good fucking mentality right there that's a philadelphia burn your city the new face of the franchise i like this fell right into our lap are you getting russians in yeah but nobody thinks that like no at least at the time nobody thought they could get this guy out. So he was like, should have been number one, maybe number two overall. Wow.

So right to seven. That's our fucking... Bingo, bango, we're cruising. The Flyers' MO is drafting the best fucking guys and they fall off and get fucking dispersed. And we haven't been shit in 35 years. Maybe if you were a little nicer to foreigners who came to play for philadelphia sports teams you know no we like the number one australian comes and plays basketball maybe don't bully him into being crippled well come on man he had to be oh

he had to be cut loose did you see the fucking You can't not practice free throws for three years. What were they saying to him? What did Philadelphia do to him? What's his side of the story? What, Ben? Yeah. Ben Simmons? Yeah.

No, every year... He got the yips. Every year... Why did he get the yips? Was there some guy going... He was hanging out with the Kardashians. Fucking faggot. Dude, no.

Yeah. And he's going... Yeah. Every year there would be like a practice video of him draining a three and the whole city would be like Simmons is back you wanted to support him and then he would show up and be

unable to hit anything and then that got in his head no we chuck at the big we do chuck at a big that's not true you were great at this special recording You were there

I recorded this special I decided I didn't like it And I had to cut it to 18 minutes So it's only 18 minutes long In the room it felt nice Yeah you were great I wish I was there to go Relax

But I get it I went Dude I audio record sets I wish I was there to go, relax, relax. But I get it. You may have been right. I get it. But I went, ah. Dude, I audio record sets and I won't even listen to it. I can't imagine the pressure of watching. I've got to have someone take someone out of my, it's got to be out of my hand. Yeah, you need someone else to do it.

You can't because. That you trust. Yeah. Yeah. Because how it feels up there versus how any recording sounds. 100%. Why is the gap so incredible? It'll never feel the same.

I don't fully understand it. It's like regular tag versus laser tag. It's like it's a different fucking element. But even the jokes that don't pop in the room or like never get a big laugh are the ones that people on the internet go, I like that one. You go, well, where? Yeah. Shouldn't it be exactly the same?

I feel like it's almost, and I have no idea. I'm going to speak like the dream of having, let's say, five specials in your career. Yeah. After the first or second, the way you treat a podcast gone. It must be. Like our first podcast, I was like, that sucks. Delete it.

And he's like, no, we're fucking starting. And you just go. And you start believing in like, oh, we'll find something. I imagine like a larger stance of like jokes going like, all right, let's just burn it. Yeah. I know it was a good show. I need to not think about that and then move on. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean? I do. I wish I had that. It's a terrible analogy, but it's like, just keep creating and then just put it out because people are going to love it. Yeah. I was there. That fight was a...

Your second show was of absolute murder. I could not... Something was wrong. Because you're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it.

You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it.

You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it.

You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it.

You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it.

You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. You're watching it. you're watching it You're watching yourself But sometimes I watch it back And I think Who is this handsome guy Who is this really good looking What a dreamer So funny

So smart He's light He looks beautiful He sounds good Doesn't sound nasally He keeps touching his nose In a weird way Keeps putting his fucking hand

Behind his back The shame mannerisms are brutal. Yeah. You don't realize. Oh, I want to chain it to my dick. I do a lot of this. I was rubbing my belly. I don't believe I've ever rubbed my belly on stage.

I rub my chest. I'm so afraid of it. I feel like I do this for no reason. Yeah, you do hang your hand. You do hang your hand. I'll be like. Hail on the cab. Yeah.

So I can see that it's not behind my back i can feel it i mean it's tempting to go the do you ever go mike in the stand ever the what mike in the stand no no like full time sam talent doesn't and just walks around with the full thing i think that's the way to get away from this and he's also fucking 6'8 he's got a whole thing and it's part of his whole he's got a magic of self presentation

it's terrible to be a 5'8 to 5'11 and a half man it's nothing I just tried to get everybody in the room 5'10 and a half 5'10 and a half? solid what are you 5'11 and a half. 5'10 and a half? Yeah. You're solid. What are you, 5'11 and a half?

And a half? It depends if I'm standing next to an actual six-foot tall person. And they go, no. Yeah, it depends if my full special comes out. It depends who I'm near and what's happening. I'm 5'6", 5'7", screaming eagle. Are you planning on redoing the jokes that you didn't like? I'm going to do them again and shoot it again.

Wow. Yeah. So you think the second time doing those jokes you're going to go, are you just saying if it is anywhere near what I've seen, I now recognize that. If I do it again and it's worse, I can just put the old one out and burn it with that. And if I move the order around, there are a couple. I feel it's different being in Trump's America now.

That was a Biden's America. Now we're in Trump's. It's all different. All the things that seemed, oh, you shouldn't say that. They're all now official. They're writing them into law. They're writing them into law you know they're tweeting them you see the white house was like it's asmr it was just a fucking it was an immigrant being chained up and put on a plane yeah it's not i was a bag in my groceries

express section in the hgb and there was a guy next to me going they deported my friend that's all i heard that's all I heard from his life I don't know what the friend did, friend might have been a bad guy you know maybe they're just deporting bad people still but I think something is happening, I don't read the news anymore so I don't there's a vibe shift

you feel the vibe shift? you can't feel the shift? it's out there if you stare at your phone all day there's a vibe shift. It's out there. If you stare at your phone all day, there's a vibe shift, but nothing's going to change. There is something, but then I also feel like it's a little bit only in my head. Yes, of course. Yeah.

You know, where you're like, it's got to be different. I don't know if it is. I think everything that was orthodoxy is now cool. It's all pivoting. Trans is the new cool. No, yeah, yeah. This is a good analogy for- I'm now an anti-racist trans. That's how I'm going to zig. Everyone else is going new cool. This is a good analogy. I'm now an anti-racist trans.

That's how I'm going to zig. Everyone else is going to zag. I'm going to zig. You've got to go hard the other way. By the time you cut and edit that, it might be the opposite. I've got four sweet years to get this done. I believe it coincides perfectly with the election cycle. I've got to wait before the next Olympics and I'm fine.

Yeah. January 19th, 2029. Communism. Shit. Shit. I'm fucked up. Yeah. It's like the Champions League for hockey.

Well, plug your special. Oh. Yeah. Hey America, out now on the Matt and Shane Secret Podcast YouTube channel. 18 minutes. Yeah, and that's great. That's enough for a full special. That's great.

What is full? What is special? Who wants more than 18 minutes? It's distilled. We've all got things to do with our day. It's pure. It's a high-octane James McCann. I drank raw milk and I vomited all weekend and I decided I hated it

and it had to be cut down. Just trust yourself. You're very funny. Just never let the gut make a choice. Yeah. It's also, I mean, I don't know. I've said this so many times to other friends because I can't tell myself this, but like talking yourself off a ledge going, trust your instincts.

It's great. Release it. Calm down. I trust your instincts. I was right on the back of it's great your instinct will be that this is the best thing anyone's ever done yeah it's a good impulse yeah also it is a good it is a good instinct to go i suck yeah this sucks i can't do it so like if you don't have that base level yeah you're a piece of shit. None of my good friends, best friends wouldn't think the same.

So I get that. There are layers to how bad you think you are. I kept showing it to people and they kept going, that's good. And I kept going, ah. I know when people are being nice to me. Yeah. Yes. They started off going, this is great.

And then eventually they went, it's good. Yeah. But one to 20 people doesn't fucking matter. It's the whole gamut. They're big numbers. Yeah. But one to 20 people doesn't fucking matter. It's the whole gamut. They're big numbers. Just put the rest, put the other 40 minutes out as clips. It's on Patreon. No, it's not.

I would never do that. I do have to figure out what to do with the Patreon. For the James Donald Forbes, McCann catamaran plan, which I will now be focusing on again. I let that go by the wayside. All right. I wrote a screenplay last year for it. Nice. Called Wimbledog. It's about a dog

that plays tennis. It's Air Bud, but for tennis. I like it. You told me a little bit about this. I think I'm turning it into a graphic novel. It's my next big project. I can't wait to see it. Is it going to be more of a Federer or an Adele type player? The dog? I think more of Federer. He's behind the baseline and struggles to

That was a racial question. He's actually trying to figure it out. He's got long shaggy. He's a golden retriever so Federer. He's behind the baseline, struggles to, you know, because he's a dog. That was a racial question. He's actually trying to feed the dog. He's got long shag. He's a golden retriever, so Federer. Sorry, he's not. Actually, they both have the same long. They both had long hair.

I think you've got to make it more of like a Nadal. He's got to be chasing balls down. He's got to be just relentless. Yeah, he's behind the baseline. He's hard to beat. He's a good defensive player. Yeah. I haven't decided what happens in the tennis sequence

up in their face no nadal would nadal would sit back on the big clay really with his calves the size of thick ass nadal would just return everything yeah couldn't stop just wear you down and now they're all gone and now it's all these new people i don't know he's the most brilliant striker there ever was you've've read the essay. I can tell. I can tell you've read the essay. You've read the David Foster Wallace essay and it meant something to you. I read the McEnroe Manifesto. Yeah.

I don't know that. What's the McEnroe Manifesto? I'm just making up. Wait, did you read the David Foster Wallace essay? No. It's a great essay about Roger Federer

as a religious experience. Oh, really? And it's just him like for 8,000 words going, I love him so much. He was a big tennis guy. He's like more sophisticated than that, but basically it comes down to him going, Roger Federer is the man.

I love him so much. He is. He's the man. Nadal sucks. Look at him, young, big, strong, gross. Nadal, yeah. Supple, Swiss. I'm a Nadal guy all the way.

No one's a Djokovic guy I love I love Djokovic No I like that we locked him up And that he was like stoic Yeah Did you follow that

Did that make the news here He's like He was a vaccine cheat Yeah He's like a weird He doesn't have a personality But I like his build Yeah

I like the way he's built I hate the way Nadal looks Nadal has like a monkey face I hate the way his face is. Federer, big fan. Well, Joe Nadal. Jokovic also had the unfortunate thing where like Federer became the man

and then Nadal became the challenger. Yeah. And then Jokovic all of a sudden was really good and he kept getting in the way of this matchup we wanted to see. Yeah, I want to see this. And then he somehow won fucking 23 championships or whatever. Just the right moment. I apologize.

No, you're good. I have to go to this show. Houston, I'll be at the Riot this Friday and Saturday. Please come. Do it. The Riot Comedy Club. Yes, the Riot. Head to the Patreon

yeah James will be there alright