Stuff Island - Jersey Boys - Stuff Island #150 w/ Colum Tyrrell

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

Jersey Boys - Stuff Island #150 w/ Colum Tyrrell Colum Tyrrell is a New York stand up comic. Colum has been featured Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, is the host of Colum Tyrrell Podcast and his special "The One Comedian Everyone Should Know" is available on Youtube!  Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en -Follow Colum on IG: https://www.instagram.com/columtyrrell/ CTA: Score big with DraftKings Sportsbook - the number ONE place to bet touchdowns. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code STUFFISLAND. That’s code STUFFISLAND for new customers to get $250 in bonus bets when you bet just five bucks AND get one month of NFL+ Premium! Only on DraftKings - The Crown Is Yours. Gambling problem? Call one eight hundred Gambler. In New York, call eight seven seven eight HOPENY or text HOPENY (four six seven three six nine). In Connecticut, Help is available for problem gambling. Call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven or visit ccpg dot org. Please play responsibly. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (Kansas). Twenty-one plus age and eligibility varies by jurisdiction. Void in Ontario. Bonus bets expire one hundred sixty eight hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see D K N G dot C O slash F T ball. NFL+ Premium offer available only to new and former NFL+ subscribers. Additional NFL+ Premium terms at nfl dot com slash terms. Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to RocketMoneycom/STUFFISLAND  Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's been a while since I've seen you You've learned so much Are we locked in? We're locked in, babe Woo Let's go It's good to see you Good to see you, man

I see you getting out here Going down to the south The what? Going south has helped you The south, you think so? Moving to the south, yeah Yeah You're in it

Hillbillies coming out Yeah I wish, dude You got a hound You got a bloodhound You got a bloodhound. I got a little hound. Oh, he's a good boy. She did bark at a black kid

the other day. Yes. I swear to God. Well, they have strong noses. Oh, yeah. She was raised in Ireland. Yeah, I know. You think we think they smell.

Yeah. She just passes out when an Indian dude walks by What happened to your dog? She's a good girl She's five months She's potty trained 100% Potty trained?

Oh okay I've been potty trained I didn't know a potty trained You potty train your girl You potty train your dog Absolutely You know There is a I didn't know a body train. Yeah. You body train your girl, you body train your dog. Absolutely. Yeah. You know, there is a charm to the South, a color I think you'd enjoy.

Yeah, I think so. The problem is, I like the romanticized version of the South, where it's like, you know, we're all humble folk down here. We play the banjo and shit, and then you show up and it's just meth heads well that's why let me tell you something meth head and fatties 100 it's it's fat meth heads for sure but out here down south you're busting my tits about driving 15 fucking minutes it took forever but it's like it is long it's like 15 miles or some shit it's something wild right as you look on a map it's like oh it's only an eight minute drive and then you hit walk and it's like two days yeah oh yeah yeah yeah because you're cruising at 65 yeah that's the big thing about the country you know like when you leave the city and then i'm like oh there's like uh i'm looking for food from the hotel or something and i'm always just like oh there's

like a fucking in and out not far that's a fucking eight minute drive i'll probably just walk in nine and a half days you gotta get three get a three meals before you get there. Yeah. You got to get a raft and stuff. But this is like, this is the point. If you're going to come out here, you don't go on a high rise down by the shit. Down by the shit. Yeah.

The mother ship. If I was living, I'd be far. I'd be in Waco probably. That's it. That's it. I'd travel in and I'd fuck off. A hundred percent, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. Because otherwise it is, it's like Mardi Gras down there. That's nasty, dude. Yeah. Because otherwise, it is. It's like Mardi Gras down there. That's nasty, though. Yeah. It's just fat tits and people with snakes around their necks and shit. Dudes doing pull-up competitions. What's the snakes around there? Black Israelites.

Oh, my God. They got the black Israelites. I thought that was a Philly thing. Just black dudes saying they're the first Jews and just saying white people are the devil. Who wants to be Jewish? Huh? Dude, like, I don't understand. I would be hiding that. that's how dumb they are that's the thing you're like guys yeah that's what my dog was saying this kid across the street he's like what are you out of your mind you have a choice dude man this is

great to see a fucking you know a good friend a new yorker a new yorker and you feel like you're a new yorker now i? They're 10 years today. 10? 10 years today. No, it's not today. Close enough. 10 years, yeah. Today?

I think around September 8th or something. You're an anniversary guy. I don't know. I just know it was around that date. I just know it was like right beside September 11th. Oh, okay. So it could have been like the 13th. But it was give or take a couple of days.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So 10 years. But I know because it's 10 years because 10 years fucking flies by. Yeah. It feels like I only just got here, you know? Yeah.

I think you could live here. Hmm? I think you could. In Texas? Yeah. I could live anywhere, yeah. I think I could really go. No, you can't live anywhere.

I could go. No, you fucking can't. Bro. No, you couldn't. Drop me in the fucking Wisconsin? Alaska. Alaska?

What the fuck are you going to do in Alaska? Give me a fucking pocket knife and a magnifying glass and I'm building a village. Irish alone, dude. I'm starting the Alone series. Two days later, I'm dead in an abandoned bus.

They need to start doing these Alone Survivor series. You know the Alone series on Netflix? Bear Grylls-y type of bullshit, right? Yeah, they're fascinating but these guys are like trained fucking maniacs because they don't have friends

they can't get laid they learn how to whittle wood and start fires with their fucking the palms of their mitts and they're fucking they're useless outside of being in the wilderness

yeah they can like hair a poisonous berry or whatever just condense that season for like regular people that's what we need in alone you need dickheads on Reddit who think they can do that.

Bingo. I want people in the comments who go, I would beat the fuck out of a beer. 100%. I want to see what happens to you. Yeah, that would be fun. We shot a pilot for Sports Illustrated, me and McKeever, doing a sports show.

And one of the things was, now it's already been done a million times, but it was taking tweets, like the top tweet underneath a guy like missing a field goal. Yeah. And you just ring his doorbell, his cameras.

You know, come here. Suck of a dick. Yeah, come here, you fat fuck. Put on some PJs. We're going to see if you can kick a 10-yard field goal. Yeah, yeah. And just shame the fuck out of him. Yeah.

Hard to get these guys to sign off on that maybe just sure you just show up like those pedo hunters you're like you just attack some guy in a Walmart some special needs kid

in a Walmart and you go boom you kick the ball now you throw a jail in the hearse it's great you hide the NDA in like a Burger King receipt

from like seamless delivery they don't fuck free drugs delivery a little bag of cocaine he doesn't have to sign for your cocaine he's like in like a Burger King receipt from like seamless delivery. They don't fuck. Free drugs delivery. A little bag of cocaine. He doesn't have to sign for your cocaine.

He's like, it's fucking brown sugar. Will you ever see Deontay Wilder? You know Deontay Wilder from the heavyweight? Yeah. And he fought Tyson

those times. He fought an internet troll in the Spartan. Like he fought each other in a gym. It's online. Yeah. some dude was talking mad shit

calling him the n-word all sorts of stuff oh my god and he was like come down to the gym and I'll fuck you up and the guy the guy came down

showed up yeah and he just took his head off his shoulders of course he did he hit him once or twice and he said get up

and he was like oh and he tried to get up and then just good and like it wasn't like he killed him but it was like those type of punches

on the back of the head where he's just going. Dude, the temple, the temple is a power off button. I don't know what the fuck that's about, but like you see a boxer that like their jaw is crazy strong. Oh, yeah, yeah.

You hit one in the temple, it's a marionette. It's a puppet. Yeah. It just fucking falls. Those ones are, and then everyone calls it a dive because they get like grazed on the back

kind of over here and then they just fucking fall. Your brain starts swelling. They fall like the towers. Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah i've seen a whole you've been knocked out what have you been knocked out i've been from a fight have you been knocked out in a fight closest yeah but not like full oh yeah not fencing extension the The baby deer? Yeah. The goat? This dude, this is back when I was like, dude, I was, right now I'm like 184, right? But I'm beefy now. I'm hiding fat. You look great.

Look at those calves, dude. Look at those calves. Someone's got hikes in, huh? Dude, I gain weight. I get like, I'm 44, so I get fat side tits. But this is also, if you leave, sorry to interrupt, but if you leave New Yorkork your steps are down yeah baby this is this is fucking pulled pork meat right here i put on this is terry black this is franklin's this is this is respect this is my mexican neighbors respecting me you know but there was i was i was like peak fucking physical condition man i was

doing like i was shrugging like maybe 250 like and i had those wraps where i put it behind my waist okay and i was just like just unnecessary bullshit when i wasn't even playing sports yeah yeah but i was so sports minded where i was like i need to keep my at any moment you got to be yeah i want somebody to put their hand on my shoulder it feels a lump that's unnecessary and go yeah how are you pal you know i mean i want them to think twice it's like when anytime like a girl like touched your fucking and your bicep yeah in college and you just flex like so baby yeah well i'm keeping the goods i've never been able to i've never had done that because i've never really been in uh fucking

you're in great shape what are you talking about this is the best shape you've ever been this is oddly the best arguably the best shape i've ever been i stopped boozing every fucking weekend yeah and now i'm starting today and i'm busy with fucking going to the gym because i'm keeping myself fucking yeah i'm trying to stay off the booze anyway do you remember walking uh you and i running into each other on steinway yeah story yeah and i'd be coming out of the gym sweating yeah and you're like hey what's up what are you doing i'm like just go in the gym. You want to come with me? I kept begging you. This never happened at all. The only time you ever saw me in some ways,

I was going to Planet Fitness. I was probably walking out of a bar. You were on your way to the gym? It was just some Irish girl. Just some Irish chick. Like, darling. I get you all confused. This is my point.

No, but this dude, we got in a fight out front of the Irish pub in Philly. And me and my best buddy, Cooch. Shout out, Cooch. Shout out, Cooch. And he used to wear, we've said this on the podcast a bunch, but he used to bring a mouthpiece. So he would just pack a mouthpiece. Just in case it kicked off.

In his jeans, in case we fought. So funny to have that time. That's a Philly, that's a male equivalent of a chick taking out an Irish. You go, hold on, hold on. Yeah, male equivalent of a chick taking out an earring hold on hold on yeah yeah yeah hold on hold on

and then this dude Madden with his girl we was like just stay and this dude was pissing on a tire and Cooch was like Madden

Mike Madden was another dude that was with us but you were keeping with his girl yeah yeah with Cooch's girl just watch her

it was two of us. Yeah. Both feel confident. There was three of them. This dude was pissing on the tire. Cooch was like, don't do that. And the guy got lippy. And I was like, ah, fuck, dude.

It was like 2.30. We just want to go home. It's crazy. Like, I don't want to do any of this. This just happens all over the world. He squares up in this dude. Wait, wait, wait. What was the tire? He was pissing on someone's car?

He was pissing on one of your- Yeah, a parked car. Which is a random parked car. Yeah, because in Ph Philly everybody litters out at like 2 o'clock so you just Good Samaritan for some reason

Good Samaritan Kooch decides to go don't what are you doing is that your car no what's in your fucking yeah Kooch is starting it cause he's got a mountain

piece of shit Kooch is angry cause he's going home cause they kicked him out of ours yeah this girl probably said something stupid he's like you know what

I'm gonna fight somebody on the way out oh look at this fucking guy and then he squares up with this dude that was pissing and then This girl probably said something stupid. He's like, you know what? I'm going to fight somebody on the way out. Oh, look at this fucking guy. And then he squares up with this dude that was pissing. And then this dude fucking snuck me. Like all he had. He hit you?

Yeah. Instead of Gooch? And I went with this, like my fucking neck snap. But I had a fucking Kinseiko neck, dude. It was like. Tom Hardy? It shook. Like all it did was shake my hair a little bit. And my knees went like this for a second. And I just looked at him. And you could just see like. The morning. Yeah. like, it shook. Like, all it did was shake my hair a little bit and my knees went like this for a second and I just

looked at him and you could just see, like, the morning. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I took, like, a step and I connected so cleanly and spaghetti-legged him. It was the most beautiful shot. But that, that, getting rocked like that. Yeah, yeah,

your battle rock is so, looking back, if you're fine, if you're not losing teeth, you're not getting scarred. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fun. It's fun? Yeah, I mean, you learn so much. You learn to keep your fucking guard up.

These kids are getting kidnapped in white vans out here in Texas. I reckon some of that you'll forget more than you've learned, I reckon. I've already, look, Colin. Colleen? Look Colin Colleen Yeah Colleen This is Chris I'm calling today dude Chris is not with us

Chris is gone Yeah Chris is gone Chris is gone Chris is never coming back He doesn't care None of those guys Are ever coming back here I think it was a big ruse

To get me out here I think this was a long way Yeah To get me the fuck Out of Philly They were like Look let's all start Moving there

Yeah Yeah yeah yeah He'll come with us We used to do We used to do things Like this when we were kids We were like, look, let's all start moving there. He'll come with us. We used to do things like this when we were kids. We were like, we'll walk this way through the woods and then we'd run away and leave one of the kids alone. It's just some fat kid in the woods going, guys,

it's me. Tommy's here now. Wait, wait. You got the dog? If they don't come back, I'll probably just have to stay here and be like, nah, it's fine. I love it. I wanted to move here. I was the one who actually made you guys come here. I was just have to stay here And be like nah it's fine I love it I wanted to move here I was the one who actually Made you guys come here I was thinking about this

Way before they even thought about it I stopped doing comedy I just started painting Oh that sounds lovely Doesn't it? Honestly I'm not saying I'm gay But you said

I'm not a quick comedy and paint I was like Oh that could be nice for me Sitting here Dude You got a little easel I spent fucking I think that's nice as shit I would love that I think I actually would love to Oh, that could be nice for me. Sitting here. Dude. You got a little easel. I spent fucking.

I think that's nice of you. I would love that. I think I actually would love to, at some point, try to learn how to paint and do a course or something and just sit there and try to paint a river or something. Yeah, it's not really how it works. No? Unless you want to do like a fucking date night. You want everyone to want to paint the same canvas. I'm doing it on my own.

What do you mean? You ever drawn anything never in my life just like stick figures and cocks exactly exactly I'll do water cocks

water marks from fucking grade school no you just you gotta just draw something yeah put like a glass of water in front of you

and see what your visual situation is your hand eye coordination you'll take a whore I'm gonna be one of those it's all perception dude yeah so i'm not being avant-garde my angle what i see in the corner of this wall and then i ask you to draw the same angle it would be baffling to someone that doesn't have it it's not like you you don't just have it i mean you do have it you don't just learn it

you can have it and then get really yeah yeah you don't just pick up a fuck, unless you're a freak. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, I've seen the photos of people where they go, I tried to do this at five years of painting, tried to do it at 10 years of painting. 100%. And then you just see the fucking. The progression.

Yeah. Yeah. But unless you're a savant, like a fucking little Chinese kid at three years old playing fucking Mozart. Why are they so good over there? Is it just laws law the Chinese law of averages with the Chinese

no I think they take one or two of their siblings and they have like a ceremony where they throw their brothers or sister into a well and they're like if you don't

figure out this song if you don't draw this fucking the shading of the eyes perfectly if you can't draw this pear underneath the fucking lamp yes

you're going to the bottom of the well and make it snappy this fucking it's that's that's how you If you can't draw this pear underneath a fucking lamp, you're going to the bottom of the well. And make it snappy. That's how you control the population. Yeah, fair enough. That's why I moved here, man. It's not for comedy. Get away from Asians.

Get away from Asians? There's no Asians here. Yeah, actually, now that you say that. There's no Jews. You don't even realize that. There's always Jews. You're true. Trust me. It's like say that. There's no Jews. You don't even realize that. There's always Jews. Yeah, true. Trust me.

It's like the wire. You follow the money. There's always the Huggins. The only blacks that are here are Jewish. The black is Jewish. It's weird. There really isn't anything. It's just like a fat white guy.

And they morph into like a fat Mexican guy. A lot of Mexicans. I think everyone starts off white and they just, they're in theican guy a lot of mexico i think they everyone starts off white and they just they're in the hot sun so long they just turn into mexicans i don't think in theory i don't think it's a border issue you know in theory but you know you're genuinely you're not wrong about that you know that's how they happen we were black right and then we walked ourself white ambition yeah all right and then we were black right and then we walked ourself white ambition yeah all right and then we just so you know and then we walked down here to like south america that was like the last place we got and that's why they got black again they went dark again because they went back to the equator

oh wow so they mexicans were white for a while and then they've gone back they didn't no this, this is great stuff. Because Stuff Island's a history podcast. Science and history. Do you know that fucking Chris? By the way, 70% I might be right about this. I bet you are. I think so. And I won't question it.

I think so. That's what we're good at here. It's like fucking, you bury your heels into whatever bullshit you're saying. Yeah. And fucking commit to it. Yeah. And I think I've been saying this for a long time. And then I'm pretty sure only just recently

I found out that I might be particularly wrong about all of that. So then I was like, whatever, I've already made my, I've made my bed. You can't fucking deny it

at this point. No, I've been saying it for too long. I can show my dad the facts and he'll be like, I don't know who wrote that. Yeah, exactly. It's an encyclopedia, dad.

Been years of studies. Yeah. How many Jews wrote that? Who funded it yeah who funded the study tell me that uh i mean what what town you've been in dallas and houston the last few days no i never went to dallas but i was in tulsa tulsa tulsa oklahoma yeah do you never do you ever watch the movie oklahoma the the musical you never watched it no You never watched it? No You never seen it?

I've been to one musical It was Jersey Boys You were auditioning were you? Yeah I dropped my name in a hat No one fucking called Dude it was so good I'm sure it was great

I bought it for my girl And I was like This is going to be the gayest shit in the world And I was like I'm blown away by the quality of the product Bro they've got banger after banger late december 1963 and even when like the acting in between was like what's it good it was so corny but like they were so good like i i walked away going you gotta yes our question to yourself you know i mean like don't just because these are theater kids

that's so funny i fucking rock your shit out front of an irish bob dude don't spin that fucking meathead around. A theater kid, yeah. They'll just, like, they probably learn martial arts for a fucking role at one time and then they'll have a fucking spinning heel kick to the head.

Yeah, it's either they're the worst person in the world or they probably have a pain tolerance that they're hiding because they were abused and they just want to, you know what I mean? They want to show out.

The whole thing about theater kids is they just want to be heard because they were beaten. I knew one of the Jersey Boys from the original Jersey Boys Broadway show. He used to drink at the bar in Queens. Which one? The one when I used to work at the one out in Woodside. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know if you ever came out to that one, but the one I was in Woodside, yeah. No. He came in. I remember us getting fucked real quick. Go ahead. Yeah, you finish. Oh, sorry. But yeah, so I found out

that he was the Jersey Boy guy and they by his friends but he was like hush hush about it he didn't want people to know

but I saw him at another pub one time and I went up to the jukebox I played the entire Jersey Boy Greatest Hits

and he was just sitting there and la la la and he's playing darts and everything and then eventually he comes up to me and goes

he won't fucking stop playing Jersey Boys he goes I used to be fucking stop playing jazz he goes I used to be in the thing and he goes I fucking heard it every night

for five years he goes I heard these songs I sang these songs every night for five years they don't have the day off that's 365 days a year of theatre right

they are doing it and sometimes it's twice on Saturdays and shit so he's just that's been bred into his brain oh my god it's just

sorry Terry baby There's only two ways Out of the In Jersey So there I was You can either be A sports star

Or you can sing Like Frankie You can either be gay singing in a play or get your fucking shit rocked in front of a bar. Frank Sinatra

may have sang about New York but he was from New Jersey. He was a Jersey boy. I bet you that's some fucking bullshit lyric in there. How many terrible scripts

were written because someone saw that fucking play? What did you... Philly boys. It was a bit of a sitcom. Philly lads did you, Philly boys? It was a bit of a sitcom. Philly lads.

Yeah, Philly lads. Oh, man. Yeah, so what do you remember about us drinking? Getting fucked up? Oh, yeah, yeah. So when I first got, when I first met you, we did like a bar crawl.

We're going hard, dude. Out on your end of the story? Do you remember? No, I went towards you and then worked my way back and we both ended up... We both puked all over. Out on your end of the story? Do you remember? No, I went towards you and then worked my way back and we both ended up... We both puked all over. Puked all over the house.

So, like, I was like, I was like, dude, you're not gonna believe this. I fucking threw up and you were like, so did I. Yeah, we go.

You puked all over the kitchen. I talked to your girl about it and she was like, he was a fucking mess. I think she found me on the stairs. Yeah, I don't think you made it. I got halfway up the stairs and then that's it.

Yeah. Yeah, we did like a beer shot special for like five fucking runs. There was some football on and we were getting nuts and then it was like, but I don't remember, I don't think we left,

this is the thing about that night, it was, I kind of feel like we left like, responsible. Reasonable time? We were responsible. Oh yeah. It was late, we gotta go.

Of course. But then it was like Fucking disaster Well it's like a hot dog Eating contest for boots So you shove 60 down In fucking three minutes You're not gonna feel it For another hour and a half

Yeah So we just put them down And then like By the time I got home I was like Like the world was spinning Yeah I'm like I'm gonna get rid of this

I did the You probably heard We were there We were fucking there For the fucking When we did the hot dog thing At the Phillies game Yeah I couldn't

Bro I did I puked so much Yeah you puked Was that you or Ari? That was me No not at Shane's I puked in the stadium Oh yeah yeah

Ice puked in there Yeah And I was in there And I was crying I saw it And it was like down my shirt I thought the whole I finished it

And everyone was like Congratulations I was like You'll never know And it was like Down my shirt I finished it And everyone was like Congratulations And I was like You'll never know Honestly it was pain Like it was the hot dogs Of the pain Dude

One minute I can't eat two hot dogs Dude it was a sodium overload bro I'm still fucking Like honestly I see shadows Inside my eyes Ever since

I always think I see Like something running Across the floor If you haven't already Subscribed to our Stuff Island YouTube account, please do that.

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Yeah, I went to lunch with friends before that. Plus subscribers, additional NFL Plus premium terms at NFL.com slash terms. Yeah. I went to lunch with friends before that. So I was like five, six drinks in before I got the Shane's. Then I had like three drinks at Shane's. And then I poured a glass of vodka in the car to get to the stadium. And I'm like, I thought the whole 99 thing was a joke. I thought you guys weren't actually gonna do it so then i felt bullied and i'm like dude i would never eat nine hot dogs in a day

yeah yeah of course well that's a challenge it's a challenge it's not to do the thing you always do challenge it's the fucking dude i don't want to do that fair enough then it gets to the point where it's like well if this is a booze thing, you're going to drink nine Bud Lights. Suck my dick. I got a bucket of booze that's like a hundred Bud Lights. Yeah. You're doing whiskeys and we're all doing Bud Lights. And I was drinking Red Bull Vodka.

Yeah, fair enough. But I guess we could have negotiated. It could be just a unit, one unit of alcohol. No, I tried that. I texted Shane privately. I was like, can we just do mixed drinks? Shane didn't play the game at all. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no.

Shane didn't play the game. Shane just did 19 beers and like no hot dogs. Yeah, I think he only, yeah, he only had a couple of dogs. Yeah, yeah. Well, he did it right. But also, in fairness, you can't be like I was, puking in the sink, crying, the puke all over the fucking fucking in the trash can and everything

O'Connor got all nine down and then just sat he didn't watch the game he was comatose yeah he was like fighting yeah he was sort of like

his eyes were he was off he was about to pass out like your granddaddy at the fucking couch yeah it wasn't because he was tired

his body was just like he was literally for two hours he was just like just a hot dog coma. And you got fucking Ari writing down the fucking

prisoner years, crossing them off on a paper plate. No one cares, dude. That's Ari's bread and butter. Making everyone feel bad. A retarded game. A game that has no point. There's no point of doing any of these. And Harry's like, no! These are the rules.

Yeah, we're going to make everyone feel like shit. That's my objective. I mean, I got there regardless without a hot dog. What about poor Kippy? Remember his cousin, the little fucking soccer player?

The 12-year-old he plays for fucking Barcelona. No, why? He fucking, first pitch. Do you remember? So, Kippy's cousin signed for Barcelona

or something. He's like the youngest ever MLS player and he threw out the first pitch that day. Oh, yes. Wait, that's not his cousin. Yeah, it is.

No, it isn't. The little blonde-haired kid? Yeah, why do you think they were hanging out? That's Kevin Ryan's cousin? Yeah, Kevin Ryan's cousins are like, they're all soccer people.

I remember them saying hi when we were talking to fucking, what's his face? Aaron Judge. Yeah. Aaron Judge. I don't saying hi when we were talking to fucking, what's his face? Aaron Judge. Yeah. Aaron Judge. I don't know.

Kippy has family where they're very into soccer. That's hilarious. Soccer Academy, they're all professionals. He's got a young cousin.

He's the best ever. The youngest. He's the greatest ever American. Kippy's eating his eighth dog. Like, how much time we got?

My podcast's not doing bad, you know? I would hate to be... He did get salty. He got salty. I would hate to have. He did get salty. He got salty. I would hate to have IU Garbage not be the most successful person

in the family. Dude, that's so funny. But he launched it into the fuck. He threw it and he tried to fucking lace it and lobbed it into the fucking stand.

The guy went over the fucking. Do you remember the first pitch? No. I don't think I saw it. Listen, I know you'll probably laugh at this, but I've never really thrown a baseball around,

but I just can't imagine it being that hard to fucking hit the guy who's right there. What do you mean? Like, how are people so worried about throwing it so badly? Hold on. First of all, it's throw. Stop saying throw. Oh, stop it.

Stop it. I know you're in Austin now, suddenly with your MAGA hat on and your fucking bill. Learn the language. Speak American, huh? Look, when we moved to Alaska, I'd say the same fucking thing. Speak American. But if you've never thrown a baseball?

I've lobbed some shit around. I got a football we could toss around. That's not the same. Do you have a baseball? I do. What's the distance? And how fast do I have to throw it to be fucking considered, like, impressive? I think you're talking shit.

I just don't think it's that fucking hard to do. I think you're talking shit. I just don't I just don't think it's that fucking hard to do. Now, I haven't said that. After saying you've never or you have but you I've thrown shit around. You haven't consistently thrown

I've gotten paper lobbed it into the trash can. Oh my god. You kidding me? Oh my god. So you you didn't grow up doing any rotator cuff shit?

Not really. A fucking throw? No, no, no. There's no rotator. Oh my god. This is great. No, no, no. I've actually got a bad fucking...

You got a bad rig from not using it? I... You got a fucking... Honestly, from playing rugby, I got fucking bashed by big boys. Big boys hurt me.

Yeah, yeah. Honestly, at the time, you're not... A real man's sport. A lot of bravado. I'm 19 going, fuck this. These guys are monsters

and they were beating me up and now years later, I was like, what a fucking dope. Yeah. I was like What a fucking dope Yeah I was like I should have The shot

No Yeah I throw my toy to my dog Darts Darts is where it's at Keep it under the Anything under the shoulder You're fine

You're safe Yeah That's why even golf Is good for you Golf is solid But anything over the shoulder I get I got cartilage

It just rattles When I throw a ball Yeah But I fucking will Let's do it I'll show you how to throw a football Everyone I know is always throwing out that first pitch They're all worried about it I just feel like don't you just have to get it to the guy

Just get it to the guy Give me the information I have on you right now You're fucked What do you think I'm gonna do I'm gonna put the leg on it Dude it's in front of 40,000 fucking people Well it's not because it's half an hour before the game even starts. Okay, all right, 20,000.

What's that? That's a weekend for me, bro. And you love it just the same, dude. Tulsa funny bone, bro. Tulsa funny bone. I'm going to do the leg up. Yeah. Leg up, he doesn't see you.

Yeah, you can clown around, but you'll be fucking humbled real quick when you realize it's not that fucking easy. I mean mean for me but you for me natural natural athlete I'm a jersey boy

but you know 50 Cent fucked it up right threw it into the ground exactly I mean yeah I wouldn't do that he's either holding a gun

or holding a mic it's always below his shoulder what's the what's the best all time what's the fair enough what's the best all time What's the Fair enough What's the best

All time First pitch by a celebrity That's not I know I actually recently George Bush had a good one After 9-11 George Bush had a fucking hose

He had a good one After 9-11 He had a good one But he was also That was a lesson To Bin Laden Bush In Yankee Stadium

That's why everybody Was like let's go Yeah We got bombed Let's fucking Kill all these innocent children. If he had to fuck that up, we'd pull out.

Kamala couldn't do that. Yeah. Yeah. We'd all be speaking fucking Arabic. For sure. Yeah. So that was a good one.

But who was the guy who just showed up and went? I watched top six fastest first pitches. Great. There was like a fucking random tweet. Like, I seen this like

two months ago. The algorithm's good. I know. Yo, I'm seen this like two months ago. The algorithm's good. I know. Yo, I'm pumping, dude. It's murder videos, knockout videos, and sports, and hot ass here and there. Oh, yeah? Yeah, big fat fucking Puerto Rican dumps. George Bush was like four or five.

Yeah. Nolan Ryan cooked, dude. Nolan Ryan threw like 83. I don't know who that is. Who's that? Who is that? One of the best fucking pitchers of all time. And he just careered with the Texas Rangers. Ohed, dude. Nolan Ryan threw like 83. I don't know who that is. Who's that? Who is that? One of the best fucking pitchers of all time. And in his career with the Texas Rangers.

Oh, he is. Yeah, no. I know what you're asking. I'm just saying. There was one guy in this mix that wasn't a professional player that threw fucking gas, dude. That's what I want to know. Like 78 to 85.

I want to see Elton John lace it and then go, what the fuck? He has the glasses on, the fucking stars. They just fly off his face. Sparkles just flying off his body. Disarms. I've used disarm a few times. Whatever the fucking Elton John's voice is.

Just the gayest man of all time showing you. Someone that you wouldn't expect. Dame Helen Maron or something. Someone's got a fucking A hose. A hidden hose. It has to just be an athlete though, right? time someone that you wouldn't expect yeah dame helen marin or something yeah whoosh yeah someone's got a fucking a hose a hidden hose it has to just be an athlete though right maybe there's probably some actors i think there's one yeah dude i mean a few actors have probably i could probably get close to 80 at 44 yeah yeah i was pumping low 80s tell you tell you what i will say this i wasn't we were that ran as easy as doing the batting cage. I was not as bad

as I would have assumed. Only because I played sports. Cricket. I played hurling. Irish cricket. That's a fucking... So there was like that element of it but I've never thrown at him. What about golf? You golf at all? I played golf, yeah. I did when I was younger. I'm not getting back into it. Everyone's trying to get me back in.

Yes, you fucking will. I'm not. Don't do that. I'm not. It's too much much time you gotta go to the range during the week no no that's if you really want to care if you want to play find a gray area dude you can't because then the game is too frustrating when you're that shit you can't be so shit that the game is fucking that's only if you already have a sports mind of high intensity background of sports, right? So you have a high tolerance for being a fucking D1 athlete. You're going to try and golf.

It's going to fuck with your head. Yeah. But if you're not playing sports at a high level, you got to calm your fucking brain down. The reason men go to play golf for four hours a weekend is it's going to break from all the bullshit. Their kids, their wife, their job. And you just calm the fuck down. You stay stay in his own have six beers at the bar headbutt a fucking waitress get the fuck home i understand the appeal of leaving the house for five hours

i of course you're walking you're outside the grass is green but even committing to that you gotta go every week you can't do golf like monthly chris and i talked about this the key to golf i think as you get older is the key to anything as you get older is is your surroundings your circle of friends it can't just be you can't just jump into a fucking foursome by yourself with your clubs the the three people around me if we're playing four i have to fucking care about. Okay. And then you just have a good time while battling the bullshit. Similar to gambling, actually, when you go do the tables with the boys.

Yeah, you don't want just fucking some dude that you kind of know but don't really know. You can't say whatever you want. Listen, I love golf, but I just can't take on another fucking thing. I'm just not allowing it to sleep in. I got a mat and a net put up in my garage right now. I just got my sticks. Wait, how often do you even play? Huh? Do you play? No, I haven't played in a long time.

But I'm getting back into it, dude. Yes, everyone I know is getting back into it and they're spending a thousand dollars on clubs and then a year later they go yeah, no, don't do it. No, dude. I'm not doing it. i swear to god i was so excited that i was like fuck austin you can play year round you can't no may through september is pool weather but september through may you can golf okay whereas in philly you got fall

too hot to play yeah you can't do whatever you get like whatever you get like an 8 a.m in no it doesn't matter if i swung a club that fucking thing would land in oklahoma the grease i get my my i sweat like a fucking it's crazy yeah the anxiety alone let alone my hands are wet right now and all i'd love to see how mad you get playing golf oh it's bad like just when you're slicing it and then you're the fucker yeah Happy Gilmore style Fuck What the fuck Yeah so yeah Fuck you Yeah Love it And then you get in the car And your dad's like

Alright well Let me calm down That's why he stopped taking me out I started bugging the fuck out He wouldn't take me out Until I was I think like 15 Yeah

And I was an athlete And it's like Teach me how to play golf You fuck But he didn't want to waste his His peace On me being a fucking asshole I get that though

Right Where you just go By the way golf When you're saying Teach me how to play golf The golf is the attitude You gotta relax his peace on me being a fucking asshole. I get that though, too, where you just go, by the way, golf, when you're saying teach me how to play golf, the golf is the attitude. You got to relax.

You got to chill out. You got to learn that you're going to be. Yeah. And he saw a fucking 13 year old galloping fucking puppy that wants to beat off

and win everything. So he's like, I'm not bringing you around. You're going, I'm going to fucking out drive you. Yeah. And I did.

I bet you still like that now. I bet you still try to overdrive and slice the fucking. Yeah, I'll have here and there you got everyone's like it's not about how hard you swing you're like yeah yeah it is yeah it is the fucking ink dude sure explain that to me sure all right i don't know if you've ever heard of physics yeah sorry fellas i pulled a calf muscle saying the n-word you don't think I'm going to fucking put all my weight into this drive? Dude, I talked to Chris. I'm like, let's get even Shane was like, all right, let's do it.

And I was like, guys, Shane's got out there. Well, yeah, he said he would. And I'm like, I don't think he will. But like, if we can get a crew together, just like everybody playing at their own fucking pace. You know what I mean? There's no fucking there's no winners or losers here. Just have fun for four hours. Yeah.

Throw a couple back if you want. There is a there's also even a level of when you're so new and bad at it that you shouldn't even be keeping score bingo truly you should not be keeping score well this is i'm sure a lot of people are like gay or whatever but truly you're so bad it's like pointless have fun yeah that's my whole thing but also i don't want to be in your fucking group like chris is like yeah i don't take score. And I also like, if I have a missed shot, I just drop another ball right where I'm at and just keep going. Do you have to do that for a while though? You have to do that for a while.

No, get in best ball tournaments. Best ball tournaments is like you go for a bachelor party or like a fucking, you know, raising money for some kid with no fucking eyebrows. So all four of you play and then the best shot you play from there. Yeah, the best shot.

Sorry, sorry. Everybody fires off a tee shot and you go, ah, Donnie got the fucking furthest one And it's still in the fairway Everybody can fuck off try and find your ball if you want We'll go all hit second shot at Donnie

And then Frankie gets the fucking Right before the green And then you go alright well You want that ball it's a range ball And then Tony lips Tony and Donnie and Frankie The whole boy Yeah

And then look at Louis Who hasn't had a shot His whole fucking day Henry And Tony And Paulie And Donnie What?

Fucking greased up Fucking Club What? Oh Donnie Oh You know what I mean

Can you get me a non-alcoholic IPA That's in the wine fridge I'm not drinking Monday through Wednesday That's not bad That's good Do you understand This is my first fucking day doing this

This is the first day First day But you drink every night do you Yeah That's why I need you to be a little more Fucking supportive I'm enjoying it This is a big fucking deal dude

But even regularly every week You're not like I'll have two days off or something No I haven't took a day off enjoying it. It's a big fucking deal, dude. But even regularly every week, do you not have two days off or something? No. I took a week off last year. That's great. My light days are heavy days for you these days. Yeah, probably.

Yeah, you have a problem. You're an alcoholic. Hey, my light days, I'm not a 14-year-old impressed by the fact that you're drinking every night. I'll fucking out-drive you, dude. I'll out-first pitch you. The N-A-A's. I'm not impressed.

Is that even any decent? It's kind of good, yeah. Like IPA, is it? It's my first one. Chris drinks these on the pod. A lot of them are fucking nasty. Chris drinks, ever since he stopped drinking, like for the most part,

he'll have like a shot in a beer after a show. That's all he does? Mm-hmm. Oh, I'd love that. That's so nice. That's all he drinks. But he drinks, him and his girlfriend drink like that.

Oh, that's so nice, just to have that one. Dude, they have like non-alcoholic white claws. Yeah. And they fucking smoke. Of course, because white claws are kind of shy yeah but the fact that you're just drinking fucking it's just a seltzer it's seltzer and not you're

trying anyway and not a great time it's just a club soda yes it's like so you just you're paying for branding to trick your mind this time something yeah i just needed to look alcoholic i got non alcoholic vodka and coke. Yeah. He says it works. I'm sure. It's like putting fucking water into a pop-off plastic fucking container going, I'm just drinking vodka.

You know what gets me? Because I'm a fucking dumb ape is the fucking liquid debts. Oh, really? In my brain, I think I'm drinking because I'm just, if that's in my hand and I'm standing around with a bunch of people drinking, I won't even know I'm not drinking. I'm just crushing them yeah well at least this has

a flavor close to the flavor profile of an actual beer but it gets me to drink water too because I won't drink water when I'm out

I'll just be fucking crushing beers well actually you can't bother a bartender unless you're sitting at the bar and I still apologize

I'll order like a whiskey and a wine for my girl and two waters, please. I'm sorry. And they're, you know, most of them are like. There's another guy over there. Yeah, yeah.

Like a, is it like a guy? But I do, I feel like, I used to like in my prime, one water, one beer all night. That's great. IPA beer, IPA beer. Yeah, but I fucking piss sit for a fucking i wake up every hour but at least the next day you'd wake up you're feeling a lot better oh you think so you think the cocaine didn't affect things well i didn't you didn't skip that out in the original menu do your math do your math the last 10 years dude actually you don't fucking know i don't do

drugs anymore either we've never you've never really done many drugs with me at all that way i don't think really i feel like you've like really done many drugs with me at all, I don't think. Really? I feel like you've, like you come across like this fucking heavy baghead. Oh,

I was bad. Never on me. Never once. It's not something you want to fucking, we're not 13, dude. I'm not trying to get fingered,

you know? I'm not just lying. You were probably on bag all the time, but you're just like, I'm not, just not a sharer. Yeah.

Everyone does guys go, I've learned a long time ago that sharing coke just means there's less coke yeah no I'd buy a whole bag like after shows and shit and be like

just go home yeah I don't know if I could ever just never do it again that'd be great but there's always gonna be a fucking wedding you're right

so what am I gonna what's going on 100% you know what I mean yeah birthday special occasion crack it open

wedding yeah yeah crack open the old bag yeah special occasion 100% oh man

like a Cuban I've been saving this for my daughter's wedding getting nuts ripping but the fact that Chris is doing us a shot and a beer

sometimes is fucking great I'm trying to do it's a healthy relationship I'm separating it so that it's like oh in two weeks there's a thing going on

and I'm gonna fucking start at 11 that's awesome and I'll pass out that's like how I'm doing it rather than I'll just have two tonight and go how I'm doing it. And rather than, I'll just have two tonight and go to bed.

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slash stuffisland. That's rocketmoney.com slash stuffisland, rocketmoney.com slash stuffisland. Back to the epi. Yeah, because I can do that

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then Thursday. I'm like, I'll just have two tonight and I'm out on that. A hundred percent.

It's easy to do that once, twice. But when you turn the key, right? Oh yeah. When that fucking engine starts, are you capable of, like, the old column?

Or is it, like, you're in, like, you're in fucking, I don't know, like. Do you slow down because your body doesn't have the same tolerance? Or do you just go, fuck it, I am locked in? No, it's a, yeah. You fight right through it. We've jumped out of the plane. That's what that is now it's it's a yeah we've jumped out of the plane that's what that is yeah i started i've jumped out of the plane yeah and i'm allowing myself to just be the tasmanian devil for a few hours yeah and then and then i'll wake up the next

day you're probably here to dog it yeah all time 100 that's the best beer outside of shooting 18 holes of golf the best beer is the hair of the dog after a fucking load the one of the best beer. Outside of shooting 18 holes of golf, the best beer is the hair of the dog after a fucking load. One of the best feelings of all time is when you balance the hair of the dog perfectly, right? So you go out on a tear, you wake up on a Sunday, and you go, there's no way I'm dealing with this. Down to the bar, pub, whatever, and you have like six. Just enough to cure the hangover, get you into a nice sort of a buzz,

and then you get some sort of food and you go to sleep at nine. Like that kind of juice, just enough that you're drunk, but you're not. And then you wake up and then you wake up Monday fresher than you would have if you hadn't even drank. No shit. But you're,

you're, you're, you're saying the obvious. That's a perfect first pitch right there, dude. That doesn't happen. I know. You're throwing that ball into the fucking third row.

You go, you go, guys, we're leaving at six yeah for sure for sure dude i'd be the devil too where it's like if we all went to the pub and then we agree we're having no more than six and that's who the fuck are you talking to i don't know who i am but i've been with people name two friends you could say this to and go all right we're gonna cut it off at six and you're counting beers like all right how many have you had like I already with the paper yeah yeah

the paper how many dogs is that how many beers is that well how about this then the opposite where you meet into someone and you go

come on for one will you like don't fucking and they go alright I'll come for one but I'm not staying I can't and you have the two

I'm the one who's like quickly like when that person or their friend's not looking straight through three wrap him up

wrap him up, keep him coming. Shots. One falls right. She bought them for us. 100%. Yeah. I didn't even ask.

And then you know, just get him to that fifth one. He's out all night. Yeah. Sorry. Dude, my girl will be Googling where we can eat because she knows,

you know, she pets the dog for me. So she'll go, baby, we'll go here. We'll get a beer. We'll figure out what we're going to eat. You know? And I'm like, yeah, okay.

And then she'll go take a piss. I go yeah yeah wrap them up and then two drinks will fall in front of us like i didn't even i guess this guy's great the i didn't even say anything you know he assumed yeah he just assumed we just got here it was only one drink and then three drinks later she's like enough yeah yeah for sure and then we're battling through the fucking plants here don't you want me to be happy here Don't you want me to be happy Yeah Don't you want me to be happy Yeah But that's a huge thing

With bartending The amount of secret drinks I've had to pour By someone sitting there Like this Wife gets up Goes to the bathroom Or husband or whatever

Gets up goes to the bathroom Quick quick quick Quick quick Shot shot shot Quick Yeah yeah And then he comes back And they come back

And they're like So is he tipping you extra Or are you putting an actual On the tab I probably i can't even remember i probably lob it on the tab on my shoulder on the house i don't know what i would do because i've been in that scenario with my where she read the check well you'll say like where to meet so i'll be like yo i'm here and i say like i'm here at this time but that's after like two beers oh i mean just got here so you go close that one out when she gets here we'll start a new one that's took me, but that's after like two beers. Oh, I mean, just got here. You go close that one out. When she gets here,

we'll start a new one. That's took me a while. That's what you're doing. What's better than when you figure out how to manipulate your partner? What is better? When you cracked open the thing, the only way I can come now, I thought what you were going to say was the opposite where you go,

oh yeah, let's meet at the bar at five. And then you text him at four being like, I'm here now so by the time you get here there's a reason why i've had three because i've been here for two hours oh no because that would but you get there 10 minutes early you can go yeah and you go i've been sitting here forever takes me 30 minutes to get to three and then she sees the check and she's like 76 dollars we just got two drinks and then she'll just see four pints of an IPA. I love this. Someone, if you have any, I know this is your podcast, but someone DM me more of these stories because that's such a funny one to be like,

I cut off the tab. Yeah. Close the tab, start a new one. And she's like, oh, I'm so proud of you, babe. I'm so proud of you. You want to like, if she signed into my account, she's all the more. So you have no trust is your problem. Babe, look, let's just figure out what more. You have no trust. It's your problem. Look, let's just figure out what we're going to eat.

Give us your card. Your card. Oh, my God. That's such a funny one. Obviously. You have an alibi for a seat from a bodega. Yeah. I mean, this is like.

I'm actually kind of excited about like the Monday through Wednesday. I want to extend it next week to Monday, Thursday. But you've already started, right? Huh? You just started today, right now? Yeah, today.

Okay. It'll be a tough sleep. Let it happen first and then start talking to the people. I don't think so. I think if I say it publicly, I have to fucking

hold myself accountable. Yeah, but then you, do you, to who? To what? Who are you holding yourself accountable? My adoring, loving fans.

The scums on the internet? Yeah. The people we despise? Yeah. The people that we could not associate with less. No, there's some good ones out there. Of course there is. Of course, of course.

So you got to think about the good ones. The good ones. Yeah. I do it for them. Not my liver. Not my relationship. Not rent. You know how much money I spend on fucking booze

it's crazy I'm sure so I'll bust her tits about something she's going to fucking Whole Foods every other day and you can't walk

in Whole Foods without walking out like $180 in the fucking pocket yeah and I go what do we buy what is this

farmer's goat cheese like this is fucking $20 and immediately should look okay how much did you spend last night in booths and i'm like get in the get in the truck the hell no no no no no what the hell was that about yeah shut the door roll what the hell was that about back there in front of the whole food jeremy she thinks i have a problem yeah now he's

gonna be confused when we get six bottles of wine for 10% off every time. You do get 10% off. You're like, you're a bougie guy. You like the high end stuff. You can't, you can't just.

No, fuck Whole Foods. It's not about that. I like higher end. I'm talking about booze though. You couldn't just go Miller High Life and fuck it. No, I don't. No, it's not about the money.

It's about the flavor. Sure, sure. Yeah, once I went IPA, I don't go back to fucking Pilsner. But I do appreciate Pilsner. I did like on a beach. You know, it's not about the money. It's about the flavor. Sure, sure. Yeah, once I went IPA, I don't go back to fucking Pilsner. But I do appreciate a Pilsner. I did, like, on a beach. You know, it depends on what you're trying to suck down. If I'm fucking tossing a pill at my boy, you know what I mean? Guys who can throw baseballs, unlike you.

I'm a natural. Huh? I've just never been to Texas. What if? What if you're really good? What if just freaking naked? Oh, my God, dude. Something like a Disney movie?

Oh, my God. The fucking, that little Puerto Rican pitcher movie? Yeah. What was that called? I don't know. Not A League of Their Own. What was the, A League of Their Own is the crying bitches. What was that little Latin kid that fucking had a fucking hose on him?

He was like a 13-year-old kid, went in the major leagues. And they made a Disney movie about him? Essentially, it was. I fucking hated it because actors can't actually fake throw. Because they're, yeah because they're yeah they're theater fags they're theater kids yeah they're theater kids yeah and they don't grow up playing sports but they they're good actors yeah so you gotta you gotta roll where you're like you have to fake being a high profile athlete yeah and they still throw yeah it's tough like you ever

seen a golfer throw a golfer throw a golf ball into like the crowd they don't know how to do over the head it's this their entire life because they're rich

I saw a lot of people complaining about that it's true I think that's changing now isn't it like golf is slowly becoming more of a

common people thing it was a hard shift in the late eighties, early nineties were like porn stars, bowlers and golfers had to lose the fat body. They become like fucking chiseled. Yeah. They started hitting the ball longer,

fucking longer bowling better. The only sport, which is not a sport, which is darts. He could still be built like a pile of shit. That's a sport. That's not a sport. That's not a sport.

Well, they, what's the, what's your argument there? The argument there is hand-eye coordination. They have it, but there's no athleticism. Anyone can... Dude, some kid on... I had seven pills of ecstasy.

Shout out Como, RIP. Taught me how to fucking throw darts. Swear to God. Died. Sorry. My brother's best friend. Died of cancer. Great kid. We were all fucked up. Swear to God Died Sorry My brother's best friend Died of cancer Great kid We were all fucked up Swear to God Everything that he said

There was fucking nuts Tom Ross I had six times Six pills of ecstasy Dude he was My brother was Tossing him over my shoulder He'd be sitting on the couch

And a pill would fall Oh yeah You know like Throwing a piece of kibble To a puppy I understand I'm just popping him. Yeah.

He takes me to his basement and shows me how to play darts. Mm-hmm. And I'm fucking locked in, dude. Yeah. So with darts, you're supposed to square off your lower body

so that there's no forward momentum with your legs. You don't use any legs. I thought that was so you could get closer. I thought that the idea was that you're trying to cheat. I thought the whole idea

was that you're trying to hit Oh, no, no. It's the opposite. Because this is as you can. Because this is dragging you towards. So if you shut this off, so if the dartboard's this way, and you shut it off here, there's no forward momentum. It's all top body.

And he told me how to go, look, it's 12 to 6, 3 to 9. It's the same exact force, same momentum. All you're doing is dropping the cage. That's it. Dude, by the fourth or fifth ecstasy pill He was taking a piece of chalk And it wasn't even three inside Three out

Three body He was taking a piece of chalk And just putting the width of a chalk And you were cracking it Buddy Yeah Game changer You had some nostril fucking juices out there

Did you? You had a little something to keep you fucking locked in? Just the love of the ecstasy? Yes. And the love of the dart game, baby. That's what drove me to greatness. This is an over-exaggeration Italian story. You think we're not going to the back?

This is one of those classic Italian stories where you go, I could have went pro, but I love the ecstasy too much. The Jersey Dart Boys. Hear me? I do think if I had a kid that I wanted them to be the world's best athlete in any sport, I do think I could, darts would be the one. Darts is up there. Lock your kid in the basement and they have to hit the darts and they won't get food.

Curling? Curling's up there. Yeah, but then you got to be like an ice person, you know? No, you don't Did you ever There's a whole story About the fucking There was like a group

Of Americans That were like Working at like An accounting Curling where you Slide the ice Yeah And you just

You just fucking mop What else am I supposed To be a fucking astronaut Like this is crazy Where am I supposed To go down to the curling I love hell You're from Ireland

You don't realize Ice is everywhere Where is it Where is the curling Fucking track What are you Where do you ever Even go into I don't realize ice is everywhere. Where is it? Where's the curling fucking track? Where do you ever even go? I don't know. If you want your kid to be good, you gotta move to fucking Michigan.

Dick's Sporting Goods doesn't even sell fucking big irons or whatever. That's where they are. It is. It's a kettlebell rock. It is a kettlebell. Rogan's gotta get in the fucking curling game. Just put a gorilla on that thing uh it's not bad actually parents parents do that like they they move they uproot

their entire existence yeah yeah because their kid is decent in hockey at like they do seventh grade yeah they'll move to michigan or fucking canada they bring them to the spot that kid i mean the odds it's crazy but the odds of. It's crazy. But the odds of success... Yeah, I guess the odds of success increase. Yeah. I mean, 100%. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I think darts is the one that if you wanted your kids, you could train them to do loads of things. But darts is the one that I think you could

definitively go, you're going to be the champion. The problem is, everybody can do it. Then how do you be the best? But he's doing it more. You don't have a woman. You have no children.

You're an alcoholic. You're a fat fucking slob that just plays darts all day long and survives off Cheeto dust in your belly button. My kid is going to be

on roids. He's going to be sober. He's going to have a hard time tossing that dart, dude. Why? You got to be, you got to be,

you have to have, you know what I mean? Actually, where's my word? I think it's gotta work. So that it doesn't come back. Just a giant jacked fucking arm. I'm not a Bill,

I'm not a, and you can only go this far. I like this idea. Do you know the Forrest Gump legs? Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna have that on his arm. Oh, I like that. So it can only be like this.

I like that. He's actually almost disabled. Yeah. But he'll be the champion. Redisabled? That's a great movie title. We're disabled Jersey boys.

Disabled. No, I hear you. Dude, every time I see a dude with pigeon feet or like duck feet, I think of Forrest Kump. Like put fucking braces on that kid. I've got the duck feet. I walk like that. No, you got a little bit.

I'm always trying to fucking remember to... It's too late. Baby, the bread is baked. You came to full form, dude. You can't fucking... You got to fix it when they're fucking... I always think if I do

like an ice plunge and do it while I'm in there. If I do it while I'm in there, I might like reshape it. Just set the oven to 450 and just put your feet in. Go the opposite direction. Not a way bread and microwave gets soft before it gets hard again that's what i'm thinking with the fixing no my kid comes out with a fucking pigeon toe or duck foot send them back

in no they're getting directly they're what's a pigeon toe? It's the oppo. Web toes? It's oppo. That's pigeon? That's pigeon. It's duck. Duck, yeah, I'm ducked up. Duck is better than pigeon. But I don't have a... Definitely, that's a...

Pigeon's fucked. Pigeon's fucked. One pigeon? One pigeon? Get the fuck off my block. Like, I won't even have you walk past me. Nothing wrong with your wrist, but you gotta go like this

to balance it out. You gotta... You got it. You're completely fucked on one side I stroked out 13 I stroked

it's my first day of 9th grade just like trying to avoid talking about your pigeon so there's a comedian I know

that has fucked up a fee he's a fucked up kind of pigeon fee yeah and

I used to respect him when I saw him walk Through the cellar one time 100% That's all it takes dude It's like bragging a chick With a smelly puss It's like I can't

Do this anymore I love you Yeah I love it You love you I love you I can't get enough I always thought

You were so slow And be like I'll whiff of that Yeah Then I beat her legs To look like pigeon feet So she won't leave me for anybody else. Give me that stink pose.

What about the webbed toes, man? Shout out to fucking, this is a good NA. Problem is once this podcast ends and I just have to sit here in my own thoughts. I can only walk my dog until she passes out. You know what I mean? Yeah. I got to go for a run or something. Yeah, you got to tire out.

You got to get nuts. Those first few days off the booze, you gotta go crazy. First day, dude, I gotta go crazy. I went to the gym early. Do a big 10K. I did a two-hour session and a voiceover for this Fox cartoon I'm doing. And then I did a podcast with Derek and his son.

And this is the third job, which I still think it's not enough. To keep you distracted. To tire out. Yeah, I got to run. Yeah. I'm going to run around the block. Smoke the weed.

She smokes. I got to get back in there. Just having a couple of puffs, you know? That's my problem is now I just smoke weed all the fucking time. Oh, do you? Every night before I go to bed. I go through my waves, and especially if I'm not boozing, suddenly then the weed starts coming in a lot.

Going to sleep every night Yeah But like I have countless fucking mushroom bars And like Yeah We have all that kind of shit So I might

I might take a little dip A little gander Into the Woo ha Yeah Yeah especially just Just adding to keep you distracted For the first couple of days

Yeah And then what are you on 9am Thursday morning Bloody Bloody Mary's Dude You'll drink more on Thursdayursday than you would have monday tuesday wednesday yeah tramp stamp on thursday night little dog dog pot tattoo the goal is to not to catch up the goal is to extend you know the week i would love to drink like I had a full time job like when I was fucking 29 you know

Monday through Friday yeah have a glass of wine here and there yeah and then Friday go turn yeah that's that's turn the fuck up you're 100% right yeah meet some fucking dude in an alley that shady as hell get a bag yeah that would be ideal go home with some fucking walrus this was my first year

headlining really busy. And I was like, I can't just have, I can't just be a done deal that every weekend I'm going to be drinking during every show. Yeah.

So I had to just, I got to break that habit. And now I pick the weekends that I really want to do and, you know. Or I'll save it maybe hopefully for Saturday, Thursday, Friday,

save it and then Saturday. That's tough. Yeah, I know it's tough. Because Thursday, you got the nerves Fucking in the middle of nowhere Middle of nowhere Yeah

Come off a bad show You think one glass of whiskey Turns into six You know But also Sometimes you go Oh wait Let's see what happens

Thursday You get rocked Because it's the worst show Of your life Yeah So then you go I'm drinking the rest of the weekend Thank you for being a bad audience.

Because I'm about to get fucked up. You did this to me. I didn't do this to me. I'm about to really kill some brain cells. Tomorrow night's crowd are going to be complaining about how drunk I am. I hope you're happy. Guys, I just want to tell you, I was four years sober today. Yeah, you fucked us up. That ends right now.

Oklahoma. Where are you going next? Do you have anything to plug? Chicago, Batavia. When? This weekend. This is going to drop on Wednesday. Oh, yeah, so this weekend, Chicago, Batavia.

Come see me on the road. I've got loads of dates all over. I'm finally touring. ColumnTeral.com for all those dates just go over check it out and if you don't see your city

let me know because I'm adding them all and my podcast the columntyrell podcast Tommy Pope has been on it I have it was two years ago

probably a while ago yeah I guess I should have done something I didn't know you were in town I thought you were with all the boys in Philly yeah no I don't go there

until October weren't you just there though didn't you just post a photo of you hanging out with Tim Buddley and stuff? Yeah, yeah. It was for McKeever's surprise 40th birthday.

All right, well. It was very nice to see everybody. But yeah, we start filming soon. But they're out there writing. They're writing. Writing off your character.

Yeah. Now what I heard. Oh, really? Yeah. No, Schultz is going to be. No, no what I heard. Oh, really? Yeah. No, Schultz is going to be. No, no. I fucking. He's going to be.

I sent Schultz a bunch of messages going, don't you dare fucking big time anybody here. I know your schedule's tough. If you make it fucking work. If Schultz got, if you got written off and then Schultz had to play the sad brother, that would be so funny. I said that. I was like, dude, if Schultz can't make it, I'll play both wafts. I'll just put a had to play The sad brother That would be So funny I said that I was like dude If Schultz can't make it I'll play both wops

I'll just put a wig on or some shit That would be pretty funny I'll do his Nazi haircut In the second frame You know Yeah Over the shoulder Yeah yeah

You know Just one side And then I have to do Every scene this time It's got his mustache On this side And then shaved Like the main

Main lady Fucking haircut Yeah Lipstick Alright calm I love you baby his mustache on this side and then shaved. Like the main lady fucking haircut. Yeah. Lipstick. All right, Colm, I love you, baby. Thank you.

Hey, thank you. Appreciate it. Shout out to Stuff Island. Chris O'Connor, we miss you. RIP. RIP, Chris.