Stuff Island - John Feitelberg - Stuff Island #198

Episode Date: August 20, 2025

This week John Feitelberg sits down with Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope Comedians Chris and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. Check out our second channel  @LookatDish  where Tommy Pope and Chris O'Connor cook elaborate meals with your favorite comedians Use code STUFFISLAND at checkout at chubbyshorts.com/stuffisland to get 10 dollars off your first purchase! Eat smarter at factor.com/stuffisland and use code stuffisland50off to get 50% off your first box and FREE breakfast for a year!Go to Squarespace.com when you're ready to build your website and use code STUFFISLAND to save 10% off of your first orderGo to Shopskimsmens.com and let them know we sent you after you place your order select our podcast on the dropdown menu that follows! SUB TO PATREON: patreon.com/stuffisland Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

up and he would do standup for six months and then he would go to jail and get out like a year later and do stand up for like three months go back to jail. Wait, who is it? It was just a comic in Philly and he was just like out of his mind

but so goddamn funny. You were hosting one year and he like we watched him and it was like he would talk about like mowing the lawn and it was like insane and so funny. It was crazy. He would talk he would talk about mowing the lawn like it was like a really deep philosophical like concept

yeah yeah and like how it related to like his wife or something yeah like this is what a commitment to to write and he had like no teeth he's like you know what i gotta get i gotta get fucking arrested yeah because i need a good three to four months in the person to come up with a dude a decent 10 minutes every time he'd show up with less teeth yeah it was nuts yeah you don't remember's name? I don't remember. I wish I could remember the bit. The bit was like, dude, it was great. One time I did a show with him in Delaware, he just did it with a bag over his head. Yeah. Dude, the more you guys are talking, I'm pretty sure I've seen this guy. Really? Is his name start with a J? I don't know what it is either. I mean, but it was a guy. Javarius. He was, dude, I saw him in the basement at

the stand one night. Black guy, crazy guy. He was just doing pull-ups. He had grabbed, on to like one of the beams and he's just doing pull-ups and then he was pretending to be a fucking mirror cat for a while I think or something like it was insane. This sounds like him the more you're talking I'm like I think I've seen this guy

I mean then his yeah boy he travels he's like Johnny Appleson he's traveled far and he thought there's no way I'm just pissed off you took my mirror cat yeah he was just standing on the stage going

and the whole crowd was like what the fuck is going on yes and he would yeah I mean it sounds like him it would be like a thing like that where it'd be four minutes of everyone just trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and then it'd start crushing yeah yeah I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure it was the Jay

my fucking rules the first two rounds of any competition that's where that's where you go yeah like if someone was asked me a friend of mine was like yeah I'm looking to go to a comedy show. Do you have any recommendations? Who should I see? I would send them to the first two rounds of a local comedy

competition and just watch these fucking animals work. Yeah, it truly is. Because they're all psychopaths. They're sociopaths. They're fucking whacked out of their skull. Or they're just whack-a-doodles that are all drugs. And it's like you've been doing open mics in Philly for years and haven't seen

some of these people ever. Yeah. And they walk on stage with a swagger like, they're like, how come I haven't made it? you don't do this just some dude with a pill problem showing up with like an empty frame put my head in there put on the wall

also where do I check my backpack pussy you're going to be dead in three years from a trolley accident I was at the the nicest do you guys see about that the Roan's thing that Roan had like a

Oh the rap battle were they complimenting each other first it's awesome it was so much fun but the funniest part of the whole thing was like in the early rounds as you're talking about like it's hard to compliment somebody without being gay without bordering on gay yeah and and the rap battle scene yeah not don't love the gay stuff yeah of course and so we're at we're in this basement we're at chelsea musical and guys are like like one guy was like yo i'm about to glaze you and the whole crowd would go quiet and then there was this one guy who would just go, yo, that's crazy

every time someone got like borderline gay, but that's insane it's to this day, it's like the fun I mean to this day. Oh, that sounds great. It's the most fun I've ever had. Do you make the black dudes be nice to want to do. I was like, dude, the stress the stress of trying not to be gay

as a hardcore black dude going all right man you sneaks all right is that gang is that too gay the whole place it felt like when you're in a comedy club and a white comedian's doing a joke that's like pretty borderline racist

and everyone's like where you're going with this dude yeah yeah like the whole like you'd start a compliment and the whole room would be like we're going with this yeah and it sounds like he's gonna say

the N word I was like I was trying to hold it in because like I was like literally the only person laughing and I was like trying to hold it in I was having a full on convulsion

seizure because then there was a white kid up there who just was like I don't get a fuck and he just like you already think

I'm gay yeah he's like it's like that Eminem seem like tell him something about me don't know

he was like he was like his first line was like yo I bet your cock is huge dude putting a gay white rapper in one of those things

it's like holy shit this is a perfect scenario I've been waiting for a complimentary rap battle my whole line

I can count the veins on your dick Because dude You're literally a sex symbol You're like the eggplant emoji That's insane It is a brilliant concept Just because the constant tension Of like not getting to that level

It's like two oceans meeting You know what I mean There's like a mile there Where they're like get the fuck at you He had that guy had Fuck I forget his name He gave him again with an A But he had

10 lines in a row yeah about the other guy's dick yeah and after line one the whole crowd was like no yeah like booing like outright like shut the fuck up and he was like he's like you guys all gotta calm down i got nine more so you better get used to it john i also love how you remember black guys you're like this guy it begins with a j i don't i meant another guy he begins with an a no that was white oh fuck that yeah so you don't remember anyone yeah that's great i'm so horrible with names it's crazy yeah i've worked on getting better and this is how bad i am if you're wearing a name tag i'm pretty good yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like a very rare scenario yeah how many hospitals you hang out to

to service people carry around name tags with you know if you're a waiter if you're working a register i'm gonna call you by your name that's gonna have oh 100% of the time i'm gonna show you this is what i do you want some fucking notes do you do it well looking at the name tag because that's almost like an aggressive move. I spotted earlier. Hey, Jeff. No, I'll... Where's my coffee?

I'll clock it. I'll clock it and then I'll look around for a little bit. And then as I'm done, I'll go, thanks, Jeff. I'm like, how that guy learned my name? Bartenders. Dude, this is actually fucking genius. It's really. And I...

So every place that I, whether it's a coffee shop or a bar, they're the most important human beings in my life are baristas and bartenders. This is the drunkenest thing I've ever seen. scene and I'll put I'll put my favorite bar and then when I meet somebody and I'll describe them

I'm like you know nerdy white guy with glasses you know annoying Spanish guy butch dyke purple bangs Eric gregarious yeah yeah so this is

and then they walk away I'm like hey good to see you and then they walk away and I go and he comes back I'm like Jonathan how do we doing man Huh? You say with such fucking gall and confidence.

Thought I didn't remember, huh? You saw the nod, huh, John? Then you say Jonathan seven times in that little meeting. Next time you see him, you don't have to check your notes as much. That's very smart. Yeah. I got a book.

You meet a new guy, then you fucking jot it down. Indian guy shouldn't be here. Black guy, change bars. You know, that kind of stuff. I got a buddy who just text me, like, before I meet up. up with him. He'll be like, I'm with blank, blank, blank and blank. You've met blank and blank. They're in this

shirt. And I'm like, that's what I need. That's my love. Give me cues. That's genius. Well, that's what parents do. Yeah. To you, like, when you're like a teenager or like young 20s and they want to like, you're going to go to a wedding. Like, look, this is fucking Uncle John's niece. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Mary Beth. Remember that, right? She has a condition. Do not make fun of that. Our parents are just Gary and Veeb. That is 100% You need it That's great about that text Oh, that's a lovely text Yeah

I would still fuck it up my friend To be pissed at me then I wouldn't trust the text Yeah Coming from one of my friends Go, his name's Frank You guys got a long Famous media

Did you call me? I got a question for you boys What's the deal Like what do you do in Texas? this with the porn situation. I'm sure it's, this has got to be like the number one question

to your guest's ask. No. No? Dude, it's, maybe it's because I've been in, first of all, I don't even think I watched that much porn. I'm not like a huge...

Well, the fact that you came in here with your first question. You're very upset. This is a pretty swift back. This is going to get on hand fast. What the hell do I jerk off? I mean, I don't even do that much.

I don't care. It sounds like I care. I'm just saying for the average person visiting. It's been 12 hours since I beat off. How do you guys do? This week in particular, I've been like, I'm addicted

It's only porn off Yeah Well but I was in So I was in Florida Then I was in Georgia Then I've been here So it's been three And I'm like where

Are all the states ban porn? Dude if you don't have four or five sites What are we even doing here? Do you even care about beating off? Do you care about beating off? I mean this is this is rich coming from you You just had to get your face mapped

To jerk off I did And that's what I'm talking about You do whatever it takes What does that mean? I was in Oklahoma City with Shane, and you got to scan your fucking mug to get into a porn.

And I did it seven times. Hold on the first time. And you had the audacity to point a finger across the room right now? Because get your shit together and figure it to fuck out. That's fair. Doesn't matter what it takes. There's other sons. Dude, I would ring the doorbell of a fucking neighbor. Look. What's your Wi-Fi? I'm going to

beat off the side of your pool. Dude, hold on. Let me finish this. This is a crazy story. I think it was Oklahoma City or Kansas City. One of the two areas. You have to scan to prove your age. So it's just a fucking quick. And you know it's not like quick.

They're like, you know, they're logging you, you fucking weirdos. And I'm like sitting up right. I'm in a fucking hotel bed. Shirtless. My gray chest hair is all over my mouth. I look like a 60-year-old doing like a face. Facebook profile pic You have my other jizz

from the last time you jerked off Last time I scanned I'm frosting like a Pop-Tart Trying to scan in with the They scan you back and they fucking They kick you out every like six hours I would know I looked it up And I scanned the first time I scanned

No I was fucked up We got home from a show You know it's three four o'clock in the way I'm like send it I don't care And I'm just staring at the screen And then as soon as you go And you're like

Yeah Yeah And then the next morning, I'm sober, but not quite. You know, you're still fucking wet. So that's still wet. Yeah, you're drenched. You're drenched in fucking old booze. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm fucking soaked, so I don't give a shit again. But then went out to lunch and I fucking sober up. Now it's like 5 o'clock and I got a shower before getting the car to the arena. And now it's starting to go, what are you doing, Tom? What are you doing? And I go, yeah, what are you doing, Tom? And I'm just looking at my face going to eat too, it's tough. That's crazy.

Once you break through like three, four, you go, fucking, who cares? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already showed the FBI what I look like. Yeah, tell the world what I'll do it. Look, man, if you're not doing it. I don't have any secrets. If you're not doing anything wrong, let the fucking, let the government abuse you in the ass. No, that's.

Take my information. I don't care. Track my calls. Read my weird texts. If you're not selling drugs, running guns. you know, selling little fucking 15 year old Puerto Ricans in the back of a fucking U-Haul. Who cares?

Watch what I fucking, watch what I beat off to. Huh? That's the poor. Well, they can only do that in Thursdays. Connecticut and Vermont. 15-year-old.

Rich white areas. Oh, my God. You got to stay away from the big four. To be clear, I figured it out. Don't get me wrong on that. Like, I'm not sitting here with a fucking balls full of com. But it's not. It's not that stress.

I'm going to walk into a podcast through that kind of stuff. I'll handle my shit before I get here, dude. I've heard of Twitter. But I was like, I don't know. I'm just so used to porn up. But I think that was a point where I was like, on day three, when I was like, again,

I'm like, oh, my God, it's still fucking close. I was like, maybe you've got a porn thing, dude. Yeah. Maybe you got to calm down a little bit. Yeah, it's all anxiety for me. I was never a porn hub guy. Really? Yeah.

It's surprise. Because you got to pay for all the good stuff. No. It's got the best. user interface by far Chris first of all the good stuff yeah what does this mean

it had none of the new releases new releases so you're full the back catalogs I just you know let me say so if if every porn saw on this earth stopped doing piggy stuff right now yeah it would take you

four lifetimes to get through the fucking the catalog yeah but I'm with Chris here I don't care about that what do you need what do you need in a porn No, no, no, no, no, no, don't fucking push. What do you need in a porn that's going to satisfy you for 30 seconds? We're in a content world. I want to see new content.

Yeah, Bob Dylan made great music. I want fucking new music Friday. Exactly. Right, like Rolling Stones are awesome. What came out today? That's what I want to say. I saw Bob Dylan live. It was like a sick dog howling into a coffee mug.

It was fucking horrendous. I've heard. Tell me what you. I've heard Bob Live this century. It's not great. Tell me what you needed a point. Is it the fucking clarity? Do you need 7K or whatever the fuck?

No, sometimes you're just like you want to see what people are up to now. Yeah. I don't need anything. There's modern fucking shit on every site. I guess I, you know, sometimes you just see one and you're like, I have to know what's going on in that one. You know what I mean? Sometimes you see the thumbnail and you see like the trailer and you go like, I have to, I have to know. You know, crazy's like you were the reason I got to scan my face to beat off in Kansas City.

Because you're fucking insane. No, crazy's like me, don't scam. We don't get. We find a way around. Yeah, we ring the doorbells. We ask for Wi-Fi. Yeah. The porn hub does, one thing I don't like that, the porn hub does, it starts your video with like.

Hi, are you jerking off? No, is it? Those are crazy. That's insane. The ones are like, you're alone again, huh? Yeah. Or it's like, do you want to fuck ugly old women? And it's, well, yes.

But you're like, why? Now we're talking. Just start with. women women like why you got to start ugly and old dude pause it for like fucking not not physically pause it but that the the words shouldn't scream through your phone about what you're doing to make you feel shame because the whole purpose of masturbation is typically alone unless you're an absolute side of man and you're you and you're you're going to go like ready on three trying to sync up the same video from across the room no you're shamefully beaten off

yeah yeah against your wife's wish you're on the toilet hammering one off because you're pretending you're not horny to fuck her so you want to be some quiet but I do want to hear a soft moan I want to hear a little you know what I mean something something loud enough to know I'm beating off to an actual human being

so immediately pounded out gone hi there hottie how's your dick throbbing every fucking ad is like I see you over there jerking off trying to turn it down real quick but they got to cut they got to try to trick you with the old ladies because they can't just feel like there's women that want to fuck.

I mean, because that's not believable. I follow that. But if you go, there's plenty of ugly old chicks out there, then someone of might click on it. You know what I mean? They got to go,

that does seem plausible. Yeah, we honestly were talking about the other day and like that, yeah, no one said that. You're 100% right. Yeah.

Because it's like, if you said hot chicks, I'm like, that's fake. Yeah, 100%. But it's like, dude,

I'm out in the world. Yeah. Trust me, they're not there. I promise you. Hot chicks don't want to fuck me. I've been, trying for 30 years.

It's a large enough sample size. I've done the research. That's the worst problem you get to pay later. I wasn't bored yet. You got an ugly old woman in the back, maybe. I get the page two, and I finally see something I want to beat off to and she's like, it's like 51 year old

in Austin waiting for you. I'm like, this bitch rolls. I'm like, there's no way she's hanging around Austin right now. Right now? I can just click on this and find her. Dude, I used to live with a kid who would, And he was like a good friend of mine. It wasn't like a Craigslist thing.

He would, he'd beat off for two hours every day as soon as he got home from work. Like two straight hours? He'd go, he'd walk in, he goes, What's up, dude? I go,

what's up? And like my living room would be over there and he'd go this way to his bedroom. Two hours at best, but he would like make a meal out of it. Like he'd get up. He'd come crack a beer. He'd get a beer.

Like full boner. He'd come walking to the kitchen. We played hockey together so it was less weird, I guess. I don't know. That's the hockey alone. It was just two boners staring at all in the moment. Now I look at telling the stories now. You're like,

yeah, he'd walk around and like fucking hard. And he'd be like, what are you doing in there? Like, I'm watching Milf, amateur, POV blow job videos.

That's all I watch. I like this guy. Because I do it for two hours. I get in the shower. Then I'll be out and I'll be ready for you. Oh my God. That's crazy. Anyone that makes a dinner out of jerking off is an insane.

It is a legitimate medical issue. Yeah. I got to get this out. Like taking a pill, like I'm not, I'm not making love to myself. Yeah, yeah. To get to that point, you're teasing. You're teasing. You're blue-blown yourself going on. I'm going to wait, I'm going to wait.

Yeah. It's like, I don't care how much hockey you played, walking around with a boner, not cool. Full, full mast is, that was. Because it's like, am I part of it now? Yeah. It's a good question. Am I part of it? Yeah.

Is this part of what you? That's the problem with being hard is just like, dude, I can't be part of it. Bro. I got a whole favor? Yeah. Is walking out into the room part of it? It has to be. Because if you're full mast and you stand up and you go,

I got to piss real bad, you wait till the fucking sail goes down 100%. And you go, even if came up with a little chup and admit it's something like that. You come out with a full fucking remote. Dude, if I walked out... If I walked out with a hard dick

into a common area, I would wilt so fast. Yeah. Yeah. I saw one of my buddies. Yes, like seeing your mom naked, dude. Dude, if I walked into the living room with a heart dick, my girlfriend would be like, get the fuck out of it.

What are you, an animal? You don't come in here prepared? She's just in the living room like this. Who the fuck do you think you are? Dude, I will say, you think you're allowed to do that. I'm going to say something real quick. I probably shouldn't. This episode is brought to you by Chubbies.

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Offer only valid for new Factor customers with code and qualifying auto-renewing subscriptions. But it's so true. Like, walking into a room prepared is so frightening because it's creepy and it's way. Like a girl already dealing and getting like hot

and ready for you and you walk in, it's hot. Yeah. But there's something in the back of you're going, well, you can't count down. We got plenty of time for this. Let me do that. You know? The game figures out of there.

What you do it? It's too much. It's too much because it's like, oh, man, it's like I'm not bring, whatever game you need right now, I'm not bringing it. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Someone's really turned on. It's like, yikes. That's like you ever got into like. It does feel like it's like literally someone putting you in the Super Bowl. You're like, I can't play. Throw one in the dirt and get kicked out. Well, have you ever got you? One deep interception.

I'm out of here. You come fast. That's a deep interception. It's a pick six. Have you ever got, like, either gone to a girl's apartment or, like, had her come to yours after doing, like, heavy sexting? And then, like, dude, I had a girl. It's fucking fireworks. I had a girl drive from Connecticut to Boston, my living in Boston.

And, you know, we've been really getting heavy with it. That's good sex. And she got there. I was like, I'm not doing all that. Yeah. I was only saying that because we were texted and you were in a different state. That's also two and a half hour break. Yeah.

100%. Your penis isn't in a different fucking stand. I got 15 minutes left to see. Private Ryan, go upstairs, baby all that. He'll get you after. It's crazy. Yeah. Because it does, yeah.

It's like the mental equivalent to me, like actually doing any of that stuff is like, you might as well be. killing kids in Vietnam. It's like, this is crazy. I'm getting a court martial. You actually want me to do that. Get out of you. Sexing with a strange hookup and getting to that point,

it's almost like when you're in a relationship and you get really fucked up and you're just promised to the world the next day. Yeah. You're like, I'm going to get up at seven. I'm going to cut the lawn. I'm going to do all the fucking chores you're asking me to know.

And then you get up and you're like, what the fuck? No, I can't do this. I got a show tonight. I'm not going to make you upset again Oh dude You did this to me You got me horny

And I was drunk And I promise you the world Now you get nothing You get nothing That is so funny The amount of times I've like Yeah I've said this before

On the private Like jerked off Jerked off to just missed opportunities You ever just yeah yeah Bro, I almost, it's almost like when something bad happens to you and you're like, whatever, that's great. I'll get to talk about. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. Describe this. Like you, yeah, there's just like.

You get yourself worked up. There's moments where you were like intimidated by the moment and you just kind of had like regular boring stuff. You know, just regular boring sex. Yeah. And then you think back, you know, and you're like, I could have done so much more. And you're beating off to your, the regret. Yeah, yeah. Your performance.

To what could have been. Yeah. So it's like, you're talking about like a high school can get knocked out in the fucking locker room. but you're beating off to him to be knocking him exactly that's crazy yes yes

that's crazy it's great yeah it's really you ever do that you ever watching porn and you come and you go I wasn't even watching it I was just imagining something else

no really oh my God I can't I'm with you on that one. Oh, my God. You're just so fluid. Like, everything's just happening in one motion. Yeah, it's almost, it's almost like the first couple images are just a trigger for something out for the imagination.

And then it's like my, I'm not even looking at what I'm looking at. Bro, you're describing like the most beautiful thing. This is like, I'm just on autopilot. This like CIA operative mind control shit. That's so. That's true So you just fire up the sounds of sex And you just drop into a thought process

To beat off to an old memory Yeah Hero No Dude you show me a naked lady in front of my face Digitally screaming Yeah My past doesn't exist

Oh dude but it's like This is my now and future It's the old hardware Because you remember it's like before There was no porn Yeah When I started There was it was a desert

Oh, please tell me. Guy with gray hair. Why don't you tell me how it worked? It was a lot of just like in the shower lights off. Just. Yeah. Yeah. I was like Professor X.

You're fucking 11. It's like reaching out into the. There's always one to sneak in the door. And you're like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Your bird's like, and then you're like, come on, Stacy, Stacy. Yeah, yeah.

Get it back up. That's a fun battle. Fighting off a truly bad memory in the middle. Just a saloon door of the 20s in your 20s and all the pigs and just keep walking in the old. Yes, yes, no, no, no, no, no, no. You ever had, like, you're on your phone and you start having a bunch of texts and it's like, dude, put it in one message. Yes. When it's like, it's like seven texts, like, you're thinking, like, that'll probably be the last one.

Scroll down, sleep mode. Yeah, well, that's like, after the fourth one, you're like, all right. I guess I got a fucking, but you put it in the middle. So it's like, you're texting me. You're like, text, text, text. And then it goes, John went into silent mode. I know what he's doing. Yeah, yeah.

Nothing will send me through the roof more than like the search box on top of a fucking porn site. And you're not in silent mode. And you finally get to what you want. And all of a sudden, a guy who you don't want to talk to flips down at the same time. You hit the search box. And now I'm going to text message, hard as fuck. Staring at some dude's name. I'm like, get the fuck out of here.

Flip it back up. I've gotten the phone call. I've gotten the phone call. Trying to search fat, mature tics, dude. I don't want to hear from you, Donnie. I've gotten the phone call

in the middle and it's someone that you can't, you don't want to just immediately hang up on. You know, you've got to let it room. Oh, yeah. So they think that it's just like your phone,

it was in another room. Yeah. You just stare, staring at your friend's face like, it's a hard dick. Just waiting for going to go away. Just looking at Bobby Kelly for 40,

five seconds now Bobby Kelly's in your sex thing out of your Bob Bobby Kelly's Bobby Kelly's photo in my phone is like dude you see Shane's like a headshot

Shane's like Shane's doing this like monkey fucking mongoloid oh it's so funny anyway besides jerking off how you've been I think good man I'll say you

some sights, bro. Yeah. Yeah. I'll lose that load, dude. I'll lose net load, dude. I'll lose net load. I'm not afraid of the cops. I'll give you all my goods.

Dude, I was like, I don't understand how they're allowing this. This is crazy. It's funny that you thought that. It is crazy. I honestly, I didn't want to bring it up because I was like, I'm sure it's the first thing everyone said. Yeah. I'm sure everybody says to you. Everyone's got this issue.

But things are good, aside from that. Yeah. Yeah, just kind of fucking hanging out. Had a new show coming out. Yeah. Talk about it, baby. So it's me, Sass, and Tommy.

Yeah. Just looking at name tags in your head. Me? Checks his phone. Sass annoying, drunk young kid. But me and Tommy play Cookie Monster and Elmo in Times Square. We're unemployed actors.

Sass is my nephew, who is doing a documentary about his famous uncle because I have lied to my family and I think I'm famous living in New York. It's awesome. But it's very funny. It is, it's, uh,

yeah, I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was funny. I would have, I would go, but people home going, I hope no one watches this. I hope no one watches this. Those guys' lives,

people who actually stand in Times Square and do that shit. Yeah, dude. They're looking for jobs. They're crazy. They're four-foot Mexicans. I know. They smell like grass clippings.

Just Ironman flips up his mess. Asking is like, they're blacked out Maxis, dude, dude, we Iron Man's a landscaper. What the fuck are you doing here? Dude, they, there's a ton of them. We thought, I don't know, very stupidly, I'm sure, but like, we thought there's only, like,

there's a Times Square Cookie Monster, and there's a Times Square Elmo. And we got there, and there's, like, a hundred of all of them. And they just, they, first of all, we thought they were going to be mad at us for doing the whole thing, because everything shot in Times Square. They loved it, but they are, yeah, Like you said, they're just yelling at us the whole time. They're like, la cabetta, put a la cabita. Dude, I just don't have a Mexican iron man with like two leaf blowers going,

Hmm. Trying to get an inch off the ground. Those guys are nuts, though. They put Cal Ripkin to shame, dude. What? They're just out there every day. Every day. Remember the cowboy?

The cowboy that would stand out there. I was like, well, they got beep with Cal Rip. No, no. No, I'm just saying. Yeah, they're just like... No days off, dude. Yeah. It's winter.

He's in underwear playing guitar. But also, the... Yeah, check his back accounts. It's not that crazy. Yeah, I get 10 bucks. The mascots, they don't wear, they don't wear Matt. Like, our head in the show, like, covers our full head. Yeah.

They wear, like, a thing that, like, their face shows. Yeah. I want to, like, give him business advice, but I think you'd do better. Yeah, yeah. He's just seeking full Elmo. Yeah. Not half Elmo Half this random lady

Yeah, not the bouncer Akinciera Yeah They're not doing For you Nah, I mean I didn't hear any of them No, they just wave They kind of just wave

Yeah, it's pictures Yeah Right, they just get pictures Five bucks a pop I think so We look, we did it for free Yeah We probably undercut them a little bit

Damn But they're not They're not dry cleaning these suits So it just smells like sewage Yeah And I can speak to that For sure Because mine does

Close enough Oh, yours does? Oh, yeah. Like a hockey bag. Dude, Tommy's in particular, Tommy's stinks. Like, on the very first day of filming, we did a scene where, like, we get... Did you rent these? Like a guy that would secretly stink.

No, we bought him. We bought him fresh. Yeah. So the fact that his stinks worse is clear indicator that he's the stinkiest of all three? No. So on the literally, I don't know why we shot at the very first day. Literally our very first day of filming, we shot a scene where he gets pied with a keyline pie. and we just never cleaned them

so for like six months the thing's just been rotten in his face mask oh my god so that's just that's milk fats yeah it's disgusting it's disgusting dude order a new fucking suit it took it took dude it's actually

incredibly hard to find it we took we bought them on eBay we bought them on eBay they took a month and a half I don't know we and they're not on eBay anymore we wouldn't know how to get another shit is not 10 miles away. I know what people bitch about that. Jesus Christ.

Put it on a plane, Tommy. Put it on a plane. What the fuck? I ordered this two weeks ago. What's the hold up? They're always like, yeah, it's taking a while to get across the Atlantic. Well, if I knew you were going to put it on a boat?

Yeah. Where's my custom elbow suit? I have a fucking series to shoot. That's a beautiful story. Whatever happened to that guy's factory? What? Who's making the Elmo cookie monster suits? It's just got shut down.

No, it's never shut down. They fucking... He said they're gone. We can't find it. You can't find the new factory? We tried to find... At one point, we tried to be like... There's a sting on a cookie money.

First of all, it's China. It's now a fentanyl factory. And they're going to just keep switching to the next big thing. No, I'm just saying, like, we couldn't find suits again. I'm sure you can get a cookie monster Elmo. I just like the idea that this guy thought he was going to sell a million

cookie monsters and elbow suits Yeah Didn't work out One of each One of each I mean they're like And then Someone had to come in

And be like hey man Fentanyl's big It was a good run Yeah It was a good run You try Let's start hiding Fenton

Kind of like coffee package Turn out the lights Of the factory Dude you know There's another good show That we were You know We were bullshit

And about the great shows Yeah US customs The Border Patrol shows Reality I yeah Those kind of Baby

Send it watching the creative ways these guys are putting these guys are putting fucking fentanyl on like pottery I'm never more pro immigrant than when I watch

those shows you want them to win well yeah it's like they like catch a first of all it winds up being like two fucking

yokels two pieces of shit that you wish were dead anyway who were just like sitting and they like spot a guy like crossing a river

they go pick them up and they're like what was the journey is like I sold a kidney in Thailand ship to fucking Ecuador and then I like caught a train up here. This is such a beautiful American story that exists

one out of a billion. They're all on rats raping our children. This is in post-Vietnam, dude. These guys aren't setting up sandwich shops. Dude. To send their kids to Ivy League school. I don't know. Every time I've watched the border wars,

it's always like... No, dude, they're fucking, they're stopping trek to trailers and opening tires with all these kilos. and all these all these dude spain i didn't know this spain is like top two one or two in in terms of uh selling smuggling not selling smuggling okay smoking because the lack of both both yeah just just the that whole port is like they're they're nuts about it and they hire young hot girls or the elderly so 80% of the show i've seen u.s custom border shows or whatever the fuck it is where it's all drug busts this

This one in particular that I saw that was just Spain. It had a hundred times more entertainment because it's nonstop. Yeah. Because they were rated two in the world. So they started going, all right, let's finally get a guy in here

because now we're on camera. We have to pretend we're not getting all paid off like fucking Mexican government. You know? Everyone's taking a fucking Vig. Everybody gets a Vig. So now you're on camera. You go,

all right, stop that dumb bitch with seven bags. You know, where are you going? Who bought your ticket? Oh, you're saying the smugglers hire hot chicks and old people. Yes. Oh, I thought you're saying the government was hired. No, no, no. I thought they were protected, too.

No, I was like, what a... Just have, like, an old person, like, pretend to stumble into, like, a crate that's full of cocaine? No, they just take the most, you know, unassuming individuals. It's usually, like, a younger girl is like, I don't know where I'm going. My dad bought this tech. Yeah. Like, where's your dad from? I'm like, um, well, he moved like three...

They asked him two questions. The retard has to go into a little fucking bunker. And then she's, she's in prison in fucking... Yeah. From eight years. That makes a lot more. I was picturing, like, the hottest chicks ever being like, do you have drugs with you? Yeah.

No, and then it's an old dude going like, they told me it with medicine. Yeah. They said it was medicine. So you just took a bag from a stranger? Yeah. He wants me to go to Ecuador and then bay. Yeah. And he's like, well, that's not how it works.

That is. We see some ID. No, I know how I do. It's a one. 15 years. 15. Yeah, dude. It's great.

That's great. Yeah. No, I hope they make it out. that's the one that's a one mistake a hot chicken really make you know what i mean because it's constantly doors opening up everywhere but you can walk through one and become a mule all right this episode is also brought to you by square space guys if you listen to this podcast you know you know squarespace they've been a long time supporter of ours okay they've got a bunch it's the easiest way to make a website you can buy a domain there get your website set up

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Dude, you're hot. You know what I mean? You're hot in 20 years old. You're like, of course someone's paying for me to go to Ibiza. Yes. Do you want to go on a boat? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're hot 20, and they're like, go to Abiza.

Here's $2,000. Just have fun. Right. Take this luggage, don't look inside. And, yeah. Pack light, and there's like three thongs and a toothbrush, because they're retarded. Yeah. and then they get there and they go where are you going

why's your bag so heavy there's nothing in it and they just checked like the outer shell and there's four kilos I'm like you realize you just lost 20 years of your life yeah that's true absolute fucking monkey and then me I go play the next episode

I'm the monkey I'm the monkey you're starting to tell me on the show I actually if every episode is just a hot chicken It's so great, dude. You got to take them down a peg.

It's pretty fun. That's my porn hub, dude. Seeing hot Spanish girls getting locked up at the airport. Making mistakes. It's a reverse shark tank. I just went to, I went to Florida last week, and I just, I went for, like, literally 12 hours, and so I just brought a backpack that I usually take home when I drive. They flagging?

No, they didn't. But I got home, unpacked my backpack. And again, I just had, like, the toiletry bag in it and nothing else. And I had a mason jar full of weed with me. Yeah. And a grinder full of weed that I just, I forgot about. Yeah. And I was like, how did this not get stopped to you?

If this isn't getting stopped, like, there's a mason jar stuck to weed. Yeah, they don't care. Dude, he, he, do you challenge your mushroom? Yeah, yeah. When I was on the road with Santino, I toured with Santino for like a year with just a fat bag of mushrooms in my backpack that I didn't realize. was there. Really? Yeah.

It went everywhere. They don't care unless it's like, it has to be an exorbitant amount of fucking of drugs. Yeah. Where it looks like you're selling, you're trying to bring it to another country. If it's just, you could say it's for self-use,

you know, you're in a jar. It is excessive. But you could just be like, oh, my bad, I forgot about that. Like the laws are so lax now and they're, you know. That's what I,

and with our jobs too, really, I'm more like, Just tell me if, like, am I going to make this flight or not? My life is not going to get turned upside down. That's so funny. You can hold over you're like, Google me. I'm, I'm an idiot. Yeah, yeah.

Watch one of my episodes. This is literally going to have no effect on my life at all, other than like the next hour. It actually, like, boost sales and tickets. You fucking arrest me, dude. It's like a rapper getting fucking arrested for shooting. Yeah, it's like this does not matter. Yeah. This is.

Yeah. I'm not going to. promise you this. I'm not going to learn any lessons from this. Yeah. So if that's why you're doing it, skip it. It'll be a nuisance for 24 hours. But it'll give me 10 minutes on stage and two hours of a podcast. Your move, cop. You're making my life significantly easier right now.

I'm glad you stop me. I want this. You got a bud taped to the floor for your point. Ask me anything. Just being sad every time they don't arrest you. I'm not a loser. Prove me wrong. It is nuts.

It is nuts. But if you have a Kindle, they'll search everything. Yeah. Yeah. I went through a phase where I was getting my dick searched every time.

Yeah. Same, bro. That's a humble brag. Like every time you'd get out, and it would be like, they show you the TV. They're like, as you can see, we're going to have to jerk you off real quick.

giant yellow rectangle I think it's because I wear underwear that's too small and my dick just looks like a mess like you ever seen when someone when someone's getting like suffocate in a movie and like they're like

nose is over when my underwear it's like the head of my dick's over here I got a nut over here TSA's like how this even work you're hiding something dude I said the last time that happened

I went just drag your knuckles on the outside I already know how this goes and he tried not to laugh and he goes well I have to say the whole thing so you just give me this I gotta do the Miranda rights on the water there was a bummer when you stopped getting flagged they were a huge bummer dude

I was so bummer it was like I was like it has to be because of my underwear it's not because of my dick and then it stopped you start chubbing up before you go to TSA but then I got new underwear And it stopped.

And I was like, I might have to go back to the old underwear. I'm in a big underwear shift right now. Really? Yeah, I'm going from M's to L's. Really? In my high knees and my inside thighs. I noticed that. No, I meant in a good way.

Your quads when you stood up were looking fucking beefy. Thanks, man. There you go. Touch those knees. Clip this short. No, it's weird areas. He's got a dog. donkey ass and I've, you know, I've been working on, like,

I do like, I do back, back lunges. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I'm starting to do like gay butt exercises. But not like, I'm not swinging my leg out. I'm not hooking up to a fucking crossover machine. If you can, like, bend down as a man, I don't think you should be able to. Like, if you can, like, if you do it, if you do enough leg exercises where you're, like, nimble.

No. You should, guys move north south. Yeah, yeah. We're like, you'll be Derek Henry. Well, that's my lunges. Dude, lunges. Lunges give you everything. You don't need to fucking squat

all this power and the fucking weight. It's unnecessary. I'm a lunge guy myself. It's bare for your joints. Do the lunches. Stretch those fucking hands. That'll give you a little building,

you know, and mobility. It's bad. Guys can't be doing mobility exercises. Well, I kind of agree with this, but I do fantasize about being mobile. I would love to,

I would fucking love to be mobile. To be like, but I, But rules and rules. I can't do mobility. What am I going to do? Dispring my father? My dad heard me say the mobility word.

My dad does one exercise. He hits a heavy bag. That's true. It's true. I think it would make me like a more open-minded person. Shut up. I do. I really think it would like change me.

But it is that thing we're like, dude, if my friends ever saw me be flexible, dude. Also, they fuck my brain. Oh, wait, wait. Just me and Shane in the back. Who's first? Chris is mobile now. Dude, open that.

Spent years trying to hide it. And then so one day someone, like, someone throw something at you. Yeah, you do something. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Dude. Chris is hot as hell, dude. If I started doing mobile,

mobility exercises and I felt myself getting. mobile, I'd be like, never mind, fuck it. And I'd be like, this is too much. You feel yourself start changing. You're like, nah, I don't want to go that way. Because the opposite feels good, too. If you're, if you're so, like, tight and jacked and you have, like, a hard time reaching.

Yeah. You're like, damn, I'm fucking huge. Yeah. The tension does make you. You have a hard time just like Yeah, yeah, getting a full range of motion. I totally. Jesus.

Now I know what you're talking about. I'm so. I'm so sore from doing chest two days ago. Every time I do this, I'm like, yeah, I'm fucking killed. It's because you can't fucking stretch. It's nothing to do with your size. You just can't touch your toes. You fucking loser.

It takes me like two hours to get going every morning. Like, I wake up out of bed and I'm like, yeah. And then I think that makes me look more manly. I'm very welcome. Tightness does give you a power. It's a great point. It does give you a sense of fucking shit. a hundred percent that's why those

fat fucking Olympians getting that like spandex yeah they can't they can't move and they do a chest exercise and they go they push it up like two inches that's an Olympic record like he didn't do shit yeah it's a width of a bulb of the flower yeah

at some point that bandage becomes performance enhancing mm-hmm the thing on the knees and shit it's good crack Um

Look at the color of the can Oh, I wanted you to walk into that wall So, yeah, he's mobile I bet he is Yeah, he's still young Yeah He doesn't know what's coming You got a full leg tack

You're mobile for sure Yeah He's a fucking That's a sign right there It's like cauliflower here For somebody you'll fuck with That dude is nimble as fuck Attent to a full

Tattoo on the leg is cauliflower. That's danger. Danger. Do you ever kick someone with that leg? No. He went to look for the mic just to say no. Just yell it. No.

Yeah. Because it does. It looks like a kicking leg. It should be a good leg. Yeah. Yeah, there's a dinosaur. To art a leg up that much, you got to be able to cook. Jesus Christ.

What Asians do you go? to for this one. What's that a coy fish? No. Oh, it's a dragon. Game of Thrones. RuneScape. Jesus Christ.

What is Roomscape? Yeah. It's like open world stuff? Yeah, yeah. Hold on, hold. The men were talking to having a good time. You were asking. I had, yeah.

We're going to derail this for Roomscape. You better come out hot. Something real good, dude. This better not. be one of Chris's movie reviews. To love for 20 minutes with no hands. Movie reviews are tough. But Rootscape is what you fight dragons and stuff?

Yeah, I know the guys. You fight your girlfriend. Step one, fight your girlfriend. Free up two hours to play Roots. Oh, you're lying on again. I go, have you fucking cooked today? She's great Yeah

I love you Yeah She's great She's great So yeah I always wanted to get into a big Like What

Open world game like that I tried to get into video games So fucking hard dude Yeah Just I'm not even Never Never as a kid

Never And then like When I was an adult Red Dead Red Dead Redemption I tried Let's go No I like

That's the one I got into I wanted to and I like it It seems cool I was just so bad at it I couldn't I was on the first level For like an hour I couldn't figure out how to duck I was like never mind

See I feel like that's the training wheels For guys Of my generation That played like Mario brothers And like fucking You know all the old school shit Like Zelda Yeah

I grew up on like Atari We had a Klico Vision When we first grew up What's that one? Klico Vision was prior to Atari It was just Pong Oh okay Then we had Atari

then we had Sega Master System, then Sega Genesis, then Sega 32X. We were always a Sega family. Everybody else had... We were Sega family too. Yeah, or Nintendo, and I could at my buddy's house play Nintendo, but, like, it was normal shit. Not like they have these days, which is, like, the gaming where it's like a whole world and you have like... I know, but then you always... It's a whole thing.

Like, you have to, like, give a shit, as opposed to just putting it on for 45 minutes while you're cooling off from playing football on the street. or doing shit outside. It was just like, let's just do this real quick. Now it's a whole, it's your existence. It's never like, it's never open enough.

Like anytime I get into a game like that, I like, they're like, you're a wizard and you can do whatever. And it's like, I kind of just want to run the blacksmith shop. Well,

that's what Red Day is. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of like, I always find myself in those games. Like, like, I just want to be like a part of the community. Yeah.

Like, run a good business. That is the main complaint with video games. I wish it was just a little less fantastical. Can I just go into one of the stores? Like, you want to just get a job. And they're like, I got an adventure. They're like, no, no, no. No, no.

I want to be a bartender. Can a guy be a bartender? Yeah, yeah. I want to be the guy selling meat pies. You know what I mean? That's what I want to do. And then one day I'll like snap and do magic. exhausted

I'll have lived long enough I'll have lived long enough I'll see in the town change and I'll just crack you're like you know with magic down you're so

you're so exhausted from fighting dragons you show up you see Chris's face like can I make you an extra set of keys that's what I want to do dude that's what I want to do

so bad I haven't played Red Dead of Red Dead Red Dead of Redemption but all I would want to do if I was just run the general story I feel like And, like, source products.

Dude, all of our fans. You know, all of our fans, dude, you know, everybody knows. These are good mirrors. Everybody knows you're going to disappear to the woods at some point and live this fucking life. It's like the fucking, the gay dude, sopranos. Johnny kicks.

You're just going to be flipping Johnny cakes in the middle of New Hampshire. That would be great. That happened to me in a game. I wanted to try to run the lumber mill. game wouldn't allow it yeah yeah said I had to like pay the guy to cut wood

and it's just like dude let me just I should be able just kill that guy and take over sometimes autism does you know dude that's all

bro you said you said you wanted the source winning I did I did you know get regular deliveries

yeah you have a guy you abase some kick it off dude dude O'Connor plays GTA and here's the guy The DJ on the radio is like, this guy's

Living the dream, dude, yes I gotta be out here, I got five stars, I gotta rape three more people And I'd rather be behind a soundboard Entertaining these maniacs Every time I've played GTIA, I just try to follow the traffic rules and drive well Yeah, damn, dude Just sit at a red light

It feels really good We had, uh, this is such a... It's equal parts beautiful and horrible. Having that thought process is so scary. It should be a test for children. See if they're going to bite the necks of their fucking classmates. This is... Here's a game of vengeance and violence.

What would you like to do? Just abide by the traffic laws? Lock them up. Put them in the fucking cell. This is a, uh, this is a mean story. But it was funny at the time. When we were in high school, there was a kid who would play aviator. You know, like those kids who like just fly.

Yes. They'll do like a real flight simulation. They'll do like, they'll do like an actual like New York to Singapore flight and just sit there and be like, yeah, I did that. This is great. Yeah. And there was a kid who would do it. And he was a buddy of ours, but he was kind of a weird kid.

And in our dorm room, he lived above us. And my buddy found out how to like hack into his computer. computer is like 2006 child porn and he no but he would eject it like on like we'd find out what flight he was doing and he'd be like oh it's a nine hour flight and then we would just hang out downstairs for eight hours and 45 minutes and then he would eject the disc from his laptop upstairs and we would listen to this kid just run rampant on the room like he'd start hold on hold on i'm confused so he would like so we were in a dorm and he would be he lived above us yeah he would play flight simulator for like nine hours yeah we would track when he started

playing it. Yeah. And then eight hours and 45 minutes into it, we'd eject it so he couldn't land his flight that he like thought. How are you in control of the... He would hack his computer. The kid would hack the computer. Oh. I mean, that's the cool thing. So he spent the entire time. Yeah.

And he would have no idea who was doing it. Like, this wasn't a one-time thing. This was a regular thing. So when you ejected, is it a dark screen or does he fall into the ocean? Dark screen. I don't... As far as I know, I don't know. I wasn't. I know the level of rage because I tried to do just New York to L.A. Because you were the guy.

I tried to do New York to L.A. once. Dude, shut the fuck. The computer froze somewhere over Arizona. And I spazzed. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Stop talking like this is what kids do. You just take off.

You get in a fucking simulator with what? Just a regular handoff? No, I would have had like the fucking... Joysticks, yeah. and you just you're watching a plane yeah and it's real time not I mean obviously not real time but the amount of time it would take it's real time yeah so you're talking six hours yeah you're going east to west yeah and you're just six hours yeah what are you fighting besides your own internal demon it's it's kind of like you're just exploring the world no you're

not a 30,000 feet in elevation you just see the sky you can't see anything I know but you just want to see it's like when you event that's what's so frustrating is because it's like I want to come out of the clouds. Are we going to normalize this? Can I get someone that's fucking human? Dude, but you put the time in, you want to come out of the clouds and land in Singapore. You don't, if you freeze, it's... What are you training for, Chris?

You're not training for anything. You're just going like, oh, my God. No, pilots do this to trade. It's just similar for people that want to actually do this. I know, but you're just going like, oh, my God, they built a world that's the world. And what do you got? La Crosse practice the next day? No, dude.

This kid was on our hockey team. He'd be a hockey practice. Like, I had a nine hours flight last night. Dude, what happened? He's like, fucking things. My computer's fucked up. Like, no way, really? The entire team was in on it.

What do you do when you're floating in the clouds for hours? Well, you know, you go get something to eat, you come back. You just put on an autopilot? Yeah, yeah, you put on autopilot. Yeah, once you get up there, it's really, you know. All right, hold on, hold on. Enough of this shit. Yeah.

You got to wait in the line. No, no, no, no. is the tough as we've got to wait in the lineup. You know what I mean? You get it. If all it takes is taking off and landing gives you a fucking thrill, right? Like a little bump of coke? Land in D.C.

Why are you going all the way across the and then going to get a flop? Because any old video game maker can make New York to D.C. Well, you're not, you're not engaged. The fact that they built the whole world. But you're not engaged. You're leaving to fucking,

to go eat. Well, sometimes you would, you know, you duck. ducked down over the country just to make sure they're not fucking with them. Make sure the town's people.

Yeah, you got to check on them. They're not throwing spears at you? Yeah, that's Oklahoma right where it should be. You got to keep honest. Yeah, the only way I'd play that game is if you go over some island where they have yet to experience like humanity.

Yeah. Just a pack of fucking, you know what I mean? like jungle jungle cats I throw spears in helicopters those motherfuckers where you can't drop

disease in I'd fly over them just fuck with them I saw a thing the other day no I wouldn't shoot them I would just confuse the fuck out of them

that's what aliens are gonna do to us that's what they're doing now you just fly over some bumpkin town in fucking Iowa over a cornfield his wife won't shut

the fuck up about it for 20 years I mean yeah that's ridiculous ruin that whole family bloodline I love it and then zip out. Do you know... It's what we could do

to these jungle cats. Zipping there with a biplane on... You know what I mean? Yeah, tag them, put a GPS on them. Yeah, drop cell phones. Just fucking big bag of cell phones. Big bag.

They think they're like fucking diamonds. I mean, you don't even need to push it that hard. You could drop magazines that probably freak out. Just porn. Yeah. Just get them all beaten off in the bush. But you got to upload your face ID.

Yeah, yeah. It's actually. how they talk. Yeah. They should do that. They should... They should do that. You call back.

It takes a while to get to that. You know how they put, like, sometimes they'll put just like a mirror in the woods and it'll, like, fuck a bear up. Oh, dude. They should do that. They should just have, like,

random, just LCD screens and a box they can't get into and it's just porn. Dude, like they have at the airport with a guy just sitting there in a guitar. What a commercial for a furniture company, dude. Just dropping a mirror front of the islands.

I can't think of a word that's not racist. Dude, I saw it literally like two days ago on Reddit or whatever the fuck I was on. It was some sociologist in 1961 went to one of these islands where it was like only a cannibal tribe. Yeah. And they found him. No, this is a different guy. They found a picture of the tribe years later with a white guy in it. Yeah. Oh, no, he, yes. I know exactly what you're talking about. No, he stayed with him. He just stayed with him. Yeah. Which leads you to believe human tastes pretty fucking good. Yeah. Or he met a woman. A pussy tastes good. Perfect for him. Oh, man. She didn't talk his language. They never gotten fights. Oh, they got in fights. They got in fights. That does not change. Nah, dude. So you see your lady running down the beach with her freewheeled and tits smacking her fucking hips. Yeah. That's fun. No.

They're complaining that it's fun stuff. The hut's not big enough. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not clean. Yeah. And then every time she goes to talk, he pulls on a caramel. True.

puts it in her mouth and she's like, what the fuck is this? He's burying old cooking. He's such a funny thing to bring. Just a bag of caramelellas. Chocolate. Why don't you have a word of his original? Blue, dude, that would blow their fucking skull.

You ever see that video? I just saw a fucking Twitter video of one of these tribes. And there was some white dude. He brought glass Coca-Cola. And they're all going, you know, they're fucking barking at each other. And they start passing around Coca-Cola. And they're going, staring at the fucking sun. They think it's like a, you know, it's an otherworldly god.

Coca-Cola? Yeah. if you've never Woke up hungover Yeah And had a sip of fucking cold Coca-Cola you're like We're back

Dude I get it Imagine being God is real In a tribe where you're eating rat shit And your brother And you get a bubbly drink You get a bubbly Salty sweet fucking soda

Maybe a slice of lemon in it Maybe we cut that whole part Because I didn't mean You know I was just think about How kind of crazy Those were There's originals commercials were

why i don't remember you don't remember the where there's it was just like the whole commercial was just like uh it was i guess four old people but they it was about like sharing them with a kid yeah they're like break open oh where there's yeah it's like it's like a bonding thing it's fucking crazy i mean i guess that if you're worthy you got to market what you got and it's like it's something your nana hands you yeah but it's marketing it too nana it's like It's something to hand of your kid that they'll throw away. It's kind of fucked up because candy had advanced at that point so much that it's like, dude, if you had your kid a Wurther's original, they're going to fucking,

they're going to be embarrassed. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. You're a Wurter's guy? When I get home, I'll send you a picture of how many Wothers are in my fucking snack drawer. Really? Delicious. I don't get it, dude. Yeah, it's, dude, it's smooth toffee.

And you let the fucking tongue in the top of your mouth do the work. yeah it's like a why don't you show me stretch stretch out for me yeah I'm all worked it's like the crackers they give you a church

a jeez it yeah I always put them on I never ate him I always said a cheese it a jeez it I always put them on the roof my mouth

yeah fuck me Jesus it's good he said it I didn't so that bombed on him not me fuck that pussy I think Dane Cook said it first Dane Cook said it

I think Dan Cook said it. Did he really? I'm pretty sure. My brother's a hack. That's good stuff, though. Damn, I thought that was fucking creative. I'm like 99. I'm sure that's funny that your whole life, you're like,

tell you what, my brother's got one pretty good joke. Yeah, that makes total sense. What a piece of shit. That's the worst when it happens too. When you see someone, you see a joke and you're like, that guy, that joke was amazing. And he's a construction worker. No, no, he's just like a stand-up and someone just goes, oh, yeah, that's like a street joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't know. Damn. That happened to me once. There's a guy who's doing a joke about fucking, he was like, the middle of the country, it's like they get punished for, you know, like not having snow and ice with,

like, tornadoes. It was like, something like that. And I was like, that's great joke. And Shane was like, that's the oldest joke. My dad tells that joke. And I was like, Yeah, fuck. Well, you do kind of have to be an insane person and love comedy to just consume libraries worth of old, whether it's internet jokes to every stand-up special.

So when you write something like, this happened to me when I first started, I wrote a joke that Greg Heraldo had out. And I wasn't watching comedy and I wrote this Civil War bit about how they used to talk to each other in the olden days. Yeah. And writing a letter to your girl. how they talk and Greg Heraldo had like a perfect bit that was already done like on an album which I hadn't seen and it was like you know to whom it made concern my dearest Mary you know how they used to talk and he's like nowadays you're like yo Maher you better not be fucking nobody and I was like I was so excited I did at the Laugh house yeah and I was like this is

my first good bit and my buddy Luke Cunningham coming he's a dude great bit but Gregorold already did that and I was like like it was like the most the fleeting like I was just like it's brutal that happened I thought that was like I'm getting it yeah but he did say that he's like well you're getting

it you're not like there are right track yeah yeah yeah yeah you wrote that on your own but it's already been done yeah and that's like the hardest thing to do is like you you start writing stuff and then you see somebody that's already famous putting out an hour every year and if it it even tracks

with your idea a little bit They're like, out. Yeah. And you're like, I was just working on that for three years. Yeah. For three years. I've been doing it for five, six years. That was my.

I did it. But they're like, it doesn't matter. He got it out first. Yeah. So it's because you're race to the finish line. You're just slamming your forehead before you finish. Dude, I had a brutal version of that happened to me recently where I was doing like, I was doing the mic at the mothership where you're just like supposed to try out new shit. And I was doing an old.

joke that I just hadn't done in a while about, like, how, like, of course, powerful people are pedophiles because, like, if you're a pedophile, you're going to just, like, try to not fuck kids and just focus on business. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I love that. Then you wake up, yeah.

And I, and I was getting nothing, and I was like, what, this is fucking, someone done this already? Why are you guys acting so weird? And they were like, yeah, like, four guys. I was like, oh, my God. Fuck. And then it was just, also something where I was like supposed to be doing something new but it was old

and I you know I couldn't be like well this is old it's old it's tough for me yeah yeah yeah yeah he probably heard me yeah look look look look look at the day oh all right yeah yeah well plug your plug your series one more time that's a little for the professionalism watch lay mascots it's on YouTube uh the out August 19th. Also, August 19th, lay mascots going to be great. You guys have been crushing it for a while. We did a lot of sketches. We did sketches for like two years and then we got kind of like, not bored of it, but it's kind of like every week. It's a lot of work, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Let's try something a little bit. Also, I don't you know this, but a bunch of comics I've done that exact series before. What?