Stuff Island - Josh Wolf - Stuff Island #228

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

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Let's do it Yeah You want to close your legs a little bit My legs are perfectly Stanced You're gonna do Italian dudes Get long nuts like Jews No

Really? I got small nuts Jews have the most This is one thing I'm looking forward to By the testosterone Yeah Is the shrinking of the nuts Yeah

I don't look You got long nuts Yeah Age and Jew equals long nuts. Yeah. They grow your nose. My nose has stayed pretty small.

But my nuts have taken the brunt. Yeah. So the testosterone is going to help. It's going to raise them up and I won't like sit. You've never sat on your nuts. No. I used to have a high school baseball coach where his nuts would, I mean, shorts. This short?

Yeah, his fucking, his banana bag would come out. I used to coach Jacobs. Supermony. Baseball team, right? Yeah. And there was a guy who would come, and he wore the gym shorts, and he would scream at his kid on the field. And one day, you know, we played at one of these parks where it was all dirt field,

so the balls just bounced crazy. Yeah, yeah. And his kid got hit right in the face. It popped up. So we ran out there, right? And the guy runs out, too, and he's kind of squatting. And he's like, come on, get up. You're okay.

Get up, get up. And one of the other kids goes, I'm not going to say. real last night and the kid at a lisp he goes Mr. Tomlin I can see your penis his dick was just hanging out the tip of it was hanging out that's good for him not good at the park yeah well

you get to a certain age I feel like it's like old women wanting to sleep with young men you know when they get loosey goosey they make decisions going fuck it this is all I have left but this is old this is old when you get past 50 dude you have a lot of fuck it moments yeah

Yeah, how, you're like 49? 46. Calm down. You're 46? Yeah. You're not that young, fresh-faced Tommy anymore. No? What?

Dude, I'll start this whole fucking thing over, cock sucker. I feel like I look decent from my age for how I beat the fuck out of myself. Let me ask you a question. If I said, hey, I'm going to set you with a girl. And you're like, how does she look? And I said, decent. You'd be like, pass. Yeah.

Okay. So that's how you just described yourself. Yeah. Well, I mean, from my age, though. We're talking about age. Mm-hmm. Okay. You don't think I look good for my age.

You look, I mean, for 49? 46. 46, you know. Let me ask you another question. How are you? I'm 56. 56. That's great.

Yeah. For being gay in from L.A. That's just like... Well, I live in Vegas. You look old. I look old. Oh, that's where you aged in Vegas. Yeah.

I look old. If we went, if we went out. Yeah, we'll do it right now. I bet you. They're going to say you look younger than me. Yeah. You think so. Same age. Well, you're just effeminate.

You got seven bracelets on six rings. His kids clearly. He's wearing his high school kids fucking sneakers. I mean, you're wearing Mateo Lane's outfit. Yes, so what, dude? He looks good. He looks good. Black old black, bro.

Security. Black is thinning, which is why you wear it. Because you feel like you need to wear a thinning outfit. Dude, I'm not fucking fat. I didn't say you were fat. You're talking like I'm fat. Not fat, just you got a little extra. Yeah.

What do you weigh right now? 190. Holy shit. You're like 5'4. 5.10 and a half. Come on. Come on. We're going to cut all this.

So get it out now, dude. When I say the words, Josh, what are you going up to it? That's when it starts, you cock suckers. you just not used to hang around with fucking bulbous 5.10 and a half would make you the tallest person in your family. You are not 5.10.5. 5.8. I'm 5.10.5. I swear to God. Come on.

Not your God, but my God. My God. Which one's my God? The Jew God? The devil. 5.10 a half. I got measured the last time I got like a... You go what? That was probably 10 years ago. I do sure. Dude, I saw my mother for lunch.

Holy shit. Is she here? Yeah, well, no, when I filmed the tires in Philly. Yep. They were close. I saw my mom and pop. My mother, dude, they keep going down. Yeah.

They're like little underground fucking moles. I know. It's crazy. Still smoking weed, you think? He lost a kidney. Still smoking weed. Still hiding his booze and cigarettes. He's getting at it.

He looks great. He's 77. I know. Do you think you could take him in a fight? Yo, my God. Ten years ago, I could have beat him. What was he? what was the age that you felt confident

that you were like, oh, I could probably take him now. It's a good question because there's like a... There's not sphere factor, but there's like a intimidation factor. Of course. Of course. I know what you're saying. You know? When you legitimately think I got power over you.

Yes. No more psychological bullshit. Right. I can beat your fucking ass. I would say it like 32, 33. So he was like... 65 I know

dude it's crazy but that boy dude that boy kept it going man he didn't skip a day of work that guy was like always fucking out and about

and just like ready but I'm gonna tell you those old school dudes never missed a day of work no no and not only that if they were sick

they would have never told you no those cough in your mouth and then fucking blame it on you dude my dad it's kind of what I'm doing right now my dad

my dad like he had a broken kneecap for almost 20 years Jesus and so he got it fixed and I was like how long have you had a broken kneecap and he had about 20 years

it's been hurt me for about 20 years and I said why didn't she say anything he goes who am I going to say it to who wants to hear me complain yeah and I was like your doctor maybe your doctor might be the guy to tell

But he was just like, no, I could still get around. Yeah. It's such a, they're worse, such posies, too. Yeah. It's getting worse and worse and worse. I mean, you have kids. I don't have kids. Yeah.

I got grandkids, dude. Huh? I got grandkids. You have grandkids. Yeah. I got grandkids. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Congrats, dude. Yeah, dude. How old? The oldest one's 13. She's black? No. He, the oldest one is 13. Are you kidding?

No. You have a grand kid that's 13 years old? Yeah. Why? Yeah. My oldest son's pull-out game is fucking not great. Wow. Yeah.

Well, how were you when you had your first kid? I had Jacob when I was 27. My oldest two kids you know aren't mine biologically. Okay. So, but I had Jacob when I was 27, man. And it's so crazy to think about that. So this is from your wife's first child. my the oldest two you what the Jacob's mom we were never married yeah I met her she had two kids we had a kid

but when we split up I kept the kids yeah right so my oldest two got you weren't were my biologically but they you know to have grandkids and and then so my son called me before the first kid and he was like hey we're pregnant I was like congratulations and he said what do you want your what do you want your what do you want them to call you? And I told them straight up, if a child calls me grandpa in public, I'm going to ignore them aggressively.

Fuck off. Beth, so I said, call us tomorrow. What'd you go with? You didn't? Beth, that's not a Jew. No, I met you. Oh, no. I went with Mr. Banker. Yeah.

Yeah, right. Skip the way. Let's get moved, dude. Beth went with BB. Yeah. And I, I went with LeBron, and he wouldn't let me keep it. And I was like, well, why not? LeBron's funny.

If a kid called me LeBron at the park, that'd be funny every time. 100%. But he was like, he actually said this to me. He goes, does everything have to be a joke with you? And I was like, yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, do you like your shoes?

Yes, dude. I had the same argument with my girl. You know, you get to like midnight and I'm still, you know, joking around about nothing. Yeah. You said, can you just calm down? Is it always, always fun?

Yeah. And funny? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm 27 and look 48. This is the whole point. The whole point is just to fuck around all the time.

She goes, well, even you hold me aggressively. I'm like, well, I grew up, but two all the brothers. Yeah. put me in a headlock and I thought that was comfort. Yeah. So here we are. Do you want a headlock or no? Do you want a headlock or pumps?

Yeah. Do you headlock from behind while you're rubbing the clip? Hmm. Hey guys, this next, uh, this next ad reads brought you by Bloomshrew. I didn't know her,

but she was great. Beth is past. She's the best, dude. She's past me joking all the time. We've been married long enough. She's good for you. Well,

she'll just tell me to shut shut the phone right she's good for you yeah you need to balance without a doubt i feel like my girl is best balance to you this is how like in i would have there's some shows that i watched that i would have never watched right that i'm like oh this is actually a good show she goes yeah you don't have to things don't have to blow up right like we just watched dude there's a show on amazon prime called the madison with michelle fifer and kurt russell yeah that is i've felt so gay watching it. Yeah.

By myself in my living room, weeping. Yeah. I called Beth. I'm like, you were right. This is the best. Yeah. Fucking show.

Do Michelle Pfeiffer? You like, do Michelle Pfeiffer in this? All days. Oh. She's easily top five person, good looking person who's ever been on a screen. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. I mean, Selma Hayek and. No, deal, 100%. Yeah. I'm just thinking me.

I just want to put a little fucking, you know what I mean? You want to get a sandwich from a deli and you're just like, hey me, let me get a quarter pound of meat and throw that on there. Michelle Pfeiffer with a quarter pound of meat. We're talking, we're talking, wrap some home and marry it. Yes, a quarter pound of meat. Yeah, you know what I mean? Michelle Pfeiffer, gorgeous, the eyes, the smile.

She's the best I've ever seen. She's so good in this, dude. You're gonna, you'll impress your girl. You're like, let's watch the Madison. Yeah. And she's like, Tommy, you're really thinking of me. Yeah. And you'd be like, cool, come here, let me put you in a headlock and thank you.

Here's the ending. She said, I love this. No, I get me in again, I'm, I'm going to get me. No, I get it. There are like emotionally, you know, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, think there's like certain shows that I want to like navigate towards where like I want to just chill yeah dim the lights lighted candle watch like a slow moving I mean I'm watching four or five different shows that she loves which like what does she watch do I have to know

the names like here's one I she could talk to me until she's blue in the face I'm never watching Bridgeton not interesting no no not those period pieces don't fuck I don't fuck with I don't I can Unless it's like peeky blinders. Dude. You see the new movie? Is it out? It's great. Yeah.

No, I haven't seen it. It's great. I binge watch that. I watched one whole season on acid. Yeah. So I'm going to go back and watch that one again. Yeah. Watching TV on acid is a different...

Yeah. Is it? Look at you. Nostradam. Nostrad acid. Dude. You know, no shit. You just pretty much have always been like a booze.

You're not a psychedelic guy, right? I've been trying to get into it. It'll be good for it. Good for you. Yeah. How long ago? Probably two, three years. It's such a fucking bummer. It's two, three years ago.

Why, what's up, dude? Trying to get out? That fucking, you think you look great, but you have that thin layer of sweat. Yeah. I remember I was in San Antonio. I had done meth by accident. Same.

And because I thought it was Coke. Yeah, of course. And I was, this is how bad I looked. I was at a strip club. And I asked a girl for a dance and she said, no.

Because she knew you wrong. Yeah. I was just, yeah. Sweaty. And my, my buddies were like, you looked terrible last night. Yeah.

One eye shut. Yeah. Just fucking, that meth was the worst thing that I ever put in my body. Yeah. Without a doubt. Well, even Coke.

it's like you if you build a tolerance with booze and then you do coke on top of that your tolerance for booze doesn't change it elevates and it just shifts the amount of booze you're consuming and your brain and body they start they're not talking to each other anymore so you get really fucked up

in both senses of coke and whiskey and your body's moving but your brain's gone. Listen, dude. So you think you're fucked up. You know you're fucked up. You think you're sober.

You know you're sober. And none of them are talking to you. So then you start doing shit that like you would never do in your whole fucking life. You make fucking mistakes. Yeah. And it's great. It's great.

But I would tell you, if you cut back on the booze and got a little more Coke, you might drop a couple of those pounds that you're trying to lose. Wow. Okay. you know what I mean lute you

fucking to your skinny dude I was telling you earlier that I took my first testosterone shot this week yeah and I got to tell you one of who's old now huh one of the things that I do like

about getting old is that I don't well you think I'm fucking you've always had a couple guys a little bit you think I'm fat I mean do you think I'm fat but you're showing your arm not too many people have fat on their arms

You're not showing your stomach. That's a fucking... What's your stomach look like? I'll show you my stomach. I'm going to cut it down. Oh, my... Oh, boy. You get fat?

That is softball league prime softball league because you're sucking in a little. It's a tiny pitch. You're sucking in. No, not. It's a tiny pinch. But there's a single fucking yodel.

There's no, it's like a... There's no shape to it. It's like... And by the way, that is the amount of hair is... Uh-huh. Your belly button looks like the grossest pussy. I've ever seen in my life. Your son's

butt hole? We're going to cut all the visuals but keep the son's bottle. I'm bummed he couldn't make it. He doesn't feel well. I think, yeah, sorry, Jacob. Yeah. I think old men at your age

where the six-pack is weird. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I think it's weird. I think it's weird to see an older man with a six-pack. I think it's creepy. I think you're, sexual predators. I think you roam around the beach

and then go get a Mai Tai and a little fucking hut and hit on the waitress. You sound just like somebody who's mad that they're fat. We can make this episode like 20 minutes. Do you have anything to plug, Josh?

When you were a college, what were you like 170? 175? No, I was 195 at college. I've been the same I've been the same weight, no joke. I swear what I got. I've been the same weight since I was like 21 years old. You were 195 in college? You played baseball in 195? Yeah, I was jacked. But I did all upper body and stuff. Yeah.

Still, say something. SpongeBob. SpongeBob. Yeah, your fucking legs. I thought you were going to come at me. Now I'm fired up. I didn't want this fucking heat. I thought you were just going to come in and go, Tommy, good to see you. It is good to see you. I mean, I don't want to tell your fans in Philly how you were talking about Jane and Hurts. We're not releasing this episode. You think this is going anywhere? I shit my shirt off on cattle. I honestly, man, I don't work out for abs.

I just have, I'm, I have an addictive personality. Yeah. And I've just always dumped it into eating right in the gym. Because I know when I haven't. You sound so much fun, dude. It fucking spirals. What are you doing the weekends? I take a lot of mushrooms

Yeah I don't count those as drugs though Of course you don't Like I smoke weed I take mushrooms I'll do some acid And I'll do some ketamine But besides that I am sober

Yeah No that's a good move That's a good move I'm trying to get into to weed stuff You would My girl smokes weed And you don't smoke it with her? No

What happens I like gummies Gummies are good for me Five milligrams What about some microdosis of some mushrooms You have done that too What about a macro dose? I don't like the microdose.

I don't think it's fun. Being high on mushrooms? No, I like to get sent on mushrooms. Yes. And watch planet Earth. Dude, I told you. That's fun. I take three grams and go on stage.

That's fucking insane. Every Friday night. That's insane. Oh, this is the first time. Wait, didn't we get fucked up? No, we didn't. In Portland. We did a dual mic.

No, we didn't. That wasn't me. yes it was was i on mushrooms what are you doing i did i did i do mushrooms that night or did i do weed i'm weed yeah we did we did we did yeah yeah we yeah we yeah we got fucked up do not remember yeah i remember oh okay they're a real piece of shit i i i i the mushrooms on stage is like is so different. And some shows are fucking amazing. And some shows, I'll have to be reminded that there are people in front of me because I'll just like kind of stare off a little bit. And somebody will be like,

hey, hey. So we guys, I'm getting older. And suddenly everything that used to be easy isn't. I barely ever talk about this, but it has to be said. It hit me like a brick wall around in some, some point in my 30s. All right. Same workout, same diet, but I felt like I was moving through mud. Nobody tells you about this stuff. One day you're crushing it,

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Guys, you can't beat that. 10% off your first person of a website or domain using code Stuff Island. Go to Squarespace.com. Back to the episode. It needs, like, controlled to a certain extent where, like, you build a tolerance, right? Yeah. You smoke a couple joints. I'll take 100 million grams.

It's like me having beers that would put you on your ass. Yes. I'm still the same. Yeah. Yeah, like, I can take 100 milligrams and go on stage and be like... Hanging out. Yeah. No problem.

But mushrooms, you never know what's going to hit. And I don't... Sometimes the three grams is too much, and sometimes it's fine. Yeah. I just never know. Do you hit it in front of the audience before you get on stage? The mushrooms? Yeah.

Well, what I like to do is eat them like a half hour before I go on stage so people can watch me get high. That way, if I just walk on stage and say I'm high, You're not high until you get offstage. So I, a couple times, though, I made Jacob. I was so high. And you know how you get on mushrooms, maybe a little uneasy. I made him stand right next to the stage. I was like, dude, I need some emotional support.

Yeah, yeah. So just stand there. Yeah. And every now and then I'd look at him and be like, how am I doing? He was like, you're doing. Yeah. It's still going. Yeah.

We're still here. I mean, what's the, what's the payoff? For me? Yeah. Um, so sometimes if I'm stuck in a joke or a story, I just need to scramble my brain and tell it and different things come out. You know how sometimes you get stuck? Yeah, of course. I'm fucking stuck.

Yeah. And that's why it's good to have like a writing, like if you have a group because you have different ideas and different. So use the whole room as a group writing. Yeah. I just go up there and just in, and if I'm stuck, I'm like, I need a better ending. And have you ever written a joke in front of a group? of your friends? No, but we used to,

I don't know how you guys used to do mics. Like when I started in Seattle with like Joey Diaz and Brody and we would do an open mic and then we would go to a place called the Hurricane Diner and just talk jokes. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so I don't, I don't want to do that now.

Yeah. And I'm in Vegas and I don't know a ton of people. Well, I just there are a ton of comics. So I just need something else. Yeah. And the mushrooms fucking do it, dude. So you use it as a writing exercise. Yeah.

Also because I'm a degenerate and I like to be high. Yeah. So it's also an excuse just to be high. Yeah. But that's a safe high. Yeah. It doesn't deplete your frontal lobe. No.

As a matter of fact, I think it enhances shit. That's it. The length of your sneakers? I would say height too. I mean, I don't know. These are your kid sneaks. Listen, dude, these are. They're nice.

Are you saying I'm too old to wear these? Yes. Why? Because they're high tops? A billion percent. Because they're high tops? Just the style alone. They're classic 95 Jordans.

Yeah. How old were you in 95? 48. No, I was... Just started going on. I was 20... I was 20. 25, 26.

Yeah. Yeah. Right? No, I get it. All the kids are dressing fucking young and stuff. I get caught in this little fucking tornado. I mean, let me ask you something.

The way you're dressed and the way I'm dressed. Yeah. You think that is somehow more appropriate? No. I just think it's fun to bust your fucking tits. I see you keep looking at my bracelets. Do you want one? Oh, no.

Your hand just keeps falling because it can't keep off. Your shoulder's giving out. I'm getting old. I can tell you're right in. I am right in. You got to put a couple of those beads on the right. Don't call them beads. They're not beads?

Do they have any emotional connection? No. No. I don't give, I don't. And I buy them at a sandal store. I bought them in Greece when we were on vacation. Wow, flexing. You're right.

A little bit. My bad. Yeah. Yeah. My bad. I went to Ocean City, New Jersey. I mean, this summer, dude. I lost one of them on the way back from Greece.

in first class. And... Well, that's not going to flex on me. I pass that, babe. I... Yes, these prices are on today's prices. Dad's moving up. Dude.

Greece? Yeah. That fucking food? Yeah. Incredible. Yeah. Oh, my fucking God. Wow, you're just learning this.

But you're making it sound like the Greek food here is like the Greek food there. No, but I live in... York in Astoria for for 12 years. I don't think I'd done a deep dive on Greek for that. That's a little Greece. It's fucking amazing. I, I, listen, I gained like three pounds there. Yeah, wow.

We were on this little island, dude, that only had 720 residents. And we got around on a fucking, on a little, beat, meet, me, meat. How much of a ticket you are, too. What's that? No, I miss you. You're a real fucking asshole. I love it. Yeah.

It was, you're on a little dingy. No, we run a little me, me, me, me, me, and a little ATV. The island had one road. Yeah. It was unbelievable. There were wild goats outside of the pool at our hotel. It was an infinity pool that looked like from our hotel room fell into the ocean. But.

Thanks for defining. for the goats. Well, listen, you're a bit of a meathead, dude. What do you mean? Do you not consider yourself a meathead? Yeah. Yeah. With pride.

So I'm asking you, what do you mean? I mean, that means you're dumb. That's not what it means. It means you don't, you're not cultured. So I had to explain an affinity pool because you don't do cannonballs in that. So I don't know if you've ever been in one of those pools. I would fucking, first of all, I'd, can opener.

Oh, no canterball. No cannibol. Can opener. Cannaballs for fat ladies. But can opener is for athletes. You dip in. You think you get a bigger splash out of you get a bigger splash out of a can opener than a cannibal? Not even close.

Not even close. Cannonball dispersion. Immediate. Yes. In a uniform dispersion. Can opener. You come down. Man, I don't know if I agree with you.

No, no, no, no. It's like Iran hitting fucking Israel. The bomb comes in, you can't catch it quite as. We're talking bottom floor getting launched six blocks away. I'm sorry, dude. I don't want to talk about it. I'm not from Israel. No, me neither.

Do you think you look more Jewish or maybe? Yes. Yeah. I look more Jewish. So that's like around. about way of saying I'm better looking than you. No. Absolutely not.

If you look more... This is as far as I get with politics. You think you'd look more joe's to me? This is my political baner. Me too. Me too. Are you jurier than me? I, would somebody...

No, you look more time than I do. Somebody said to me in the meet and greet line, right? Somebody said to me, Jacob was standing next to me. He goes, goes with me, he goes, you know, you're Jewish, huh? I go, yeah, he goes, you don't look Jewish. And Jake, the guy walked away and Jacob goes, hey, dude, he goes,

did that offend you? I go, no, I didn't, I wasn't offended. I took it how it was intended as a compliment. Yeah. Yeah, I, uh, I wish, sometimes I wish I was Jewier. Were you raised? Like, I was bar mitzvah. Yeah.

I mean, we, we, we did. That's like a cat. I mean, I had my, you know, I got, I got, I got, I got dipped. Do you go? I was baptized. Did you? And I went confirmation.

None of that is real unless you're like truly religious or hardcore. Did any, did a priest touch you? No. And did you, were you like, why not me? I wasn't, uh, no, I just, I, I, I know that those, uh, those predators, they seek out the week. Right. And I was fucking too busy throwing dimes in the end zone.

You were 195. I was fucking, eight year old, one. 98 year old, 25. Full mustache. Same weight. Same weight since five years old. Just my dad in a little kid uniform. You're gonna fuck my kids?

Not on my watch. He's just dressed like me, taking the test. Cullen out of electrician school. I can't even imagine what that house was like that you grew up in, dude. Yeah, it was great. I can't even imagine what that dinner table was like. Oh, dude. Dude, I can tell you.

Go. It was, our dinner table was, so I slept in that corner where the cross stick is. Yeah, standing up. No, we had four chairs. Five people. And a little circular table. And I would have to crawl under here

to get to my backseat, which was against the wall. No, for real? Yeah, for real. Every night. Every night until I went to college. When you were growing up, because I had three older brothers

were there like some of my brothers were really protective they're like that's my cup yeah and even when I went to like I knew not to drink out of my older brother's Dallas Cowboys Cup yeah because if he saw it it was gonna be fucking trouble

yeah did you guys do stupid shit like that oh my God dude yes literally eggshells every day your life being changed getting changed getting

I shared a bed with my brother my adult life. I mean, you had your own room. You just crawled in there at night. I've come from the sixth floor. Very wealthy. My mother was Jewish. No, like, we shared a small bed.

Then we got bunk beds when he went to high school. Oh. So she separated us. Who was on top? I got top. Did you fuck with him? He fucked with me. He kicked the bed.

Yeah, just keep kicking the fucking the top. My brother once, because he knew I was scared of things under my bed. And I would run and jump in the bed. And one day he put tacks under the sheet. So when I jumped in the bed, I landed on the tags. Brilliant. It actually hindsight, at the time, I didn't love it. But looking back now, it's kind of genius.

It's genius. Yeah. It also makes you a better person. There's no doubt. Keep your guard up. Head on a... It's like a lady jingling and key before she gets to the door. I don't try.

key ready. I don't trust a fucking person, dude. Yeah, of course. If anybody's like, hey, do you want to taste this? I'm like, you taste it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not tasting something first. I'm not walking into a room. Somebody's like it's right in there. I'm like, cool. Yeah. You go first. Yeah, yeah. I don't trust any of those motherfuckers.

You need a level of abuse to make a balanced life, I believe. How, out of percentages of comics, what percentage do you think had that level of abuse as a kid? 95?

My out of my close friends or just in general? In general. Out of your close friends, is it most? Out of my close friends, it's 100%.

Yeah. Yeah. What I found when I started, because I didn't start until I was 30. Well, I know. So I, yeah, you did help me out. Yeah, yeah.

Do you remember, dude, there was one day you said to me, you go, this was one of the, I loved it. This is when I was like, I'm all like this, dude. Because it was just completely honest. You were like, hey, I need 40 bucks.

I go, okay. And you grab it and you go, you know, you're not getting this back. Well, you were rich. And I was like, no. I was like, no, I get it. I get it. Yeah, you were like, yeah, I just didn't want you to think that I was keeping tabs. I think my first inkling of like successful comedians that weren't of the elk of like,

guys I grew up with or my brothers or my cousins or anyone that I knew, friends. And then I started to go, oh, there's really smart guys out there that know how to construct a fundamental joke. Know how to do the misdirection. It's like, it's a formula.

So there's very smart dudes that are successful as comedians. And then I realized that the smartest and funniest guys aren't guys I fuck with. But then the funniest guys are oftentimes the guys I'm like, that's what I want.

The guys that just fucking deliver and just crush every fucking night. I'm like, whoa. There's no feeling quite like crushing on stage as a comic. Yeah. It's so fucking crazy. I try to explain to people.

They're like, what's that like? I'm like, I can't, if it's never happened to you, Yeah. It's hard to explain that energy is next level. I, you know, watching you know, because Jacob opens for me, my son. Yeah. And watching him on stage, I think he's coming up on year four. But watching him on stage and seeing things click and like watching the laughs,

watching him be like, oh, shit, is so cool. That's awesome. It's so cool to see. That's awesome. Especially as a father. Oh, my God. That must be insane. I honestly, if he hadn't started touring with me,

I'd still be doing my residency in Vegas. Yeah. But I'd be touring maybe once a month. Yeah. I'm toured. I still don't do a stand-up, but the travel is a bit of a pain of the ass. Yeah.

But to hang out with him every weekend? That rules. It's the fucking best. And he busts my balls like you do. Yeah. Which is, I love. We're, our first, the first three months,

we were getting separate hotel rooms. And he was like, let's just get a hotel room and fuck around. Yeah. Let's just buddy out. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yes, dude. So it's pretty great.

I, yeah. And so to smoke a joint with them and talk comedy. Mm-hmm. Is amazing. It's a dad's dream, man. I don't even have kids, but that would be my fucking dream. I, it's hard to explain.

Like all the things that I thought were important in the whatever we want to call career. Yeah. All the things that I wanted to, which nothing comes close to this. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah. I would give everything else I've ever done away just to be able to experience this right now. Yeah, dude.

And the shows are amazing, dude. Like we, so we do a Q&A as part of the show. And he's getting funny, man. Somebody said, do you get, what do you guys, do you guys talk about everything? And Jacob was like pretty much And the guy goes You talk about sex And the guy goes

Does your dad give you pointers And Jacob was like Are you asking me if I ask him How he fucks my mom And I was like Yeah you get it dude You're getting it Yeah

Did you ever catch you guys fucking? Yeah He's talked about it So He was 18 Jesus He was going It's way too old

Oh my God It's the first time He caught you fucking Yes He was So I didn't even even know he caught us. I walk out. He's supposed to be at school. He's in the living room. And I go, hey, dude, you're supposed to be at school? And he was, yeah. I said, what are you doing

here? He said, I was looking for the keys. And I said, they're in my pants. And he went, yep. So this is post fuck. This is post fuck. I'd walk out. So he listened to everything. He said, so he just sat there because he needed the key, car keys. So I go, I go, I go, I said to him. I go, did you see everything? He goes, yeah, and we were doing doggy. Oh, yeah. You know what he said to me? He goes, yeah, I saw everything. He said, and you know what? You need to do some squats. I was like, what?

He said, your ass cheeks look like three pancakes that slipped a little bit. Good for hair, dude. Fuck yeah, it must have been traumatizing. Oh, my God. 18's too old to be walking. Yes.

But I told him, I go, you're 18. You know to knock on the fucking door. Yeah, but just like the way a parent treats their child as if they're always in a high chair at five. Regardless of what their age is. Truth. The adult 18-year-old Jacob is always going to look at you and mom as if I'm just going to open the door and want to run into the bed when my belly's upset.

Not anymore. Yeah. That's what it takes. You got to dog your wife out. Dude, doing it on purpose. Jacob, come in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Checking the ring cam.

Get in here, babe. Take the fucking phone. You like that? You like that knocking? That'll learn you. That'll learn you something. Yeah. Dude, I caught my, so my whole upbringing,

there was no locks on doors, except for my parents' bedroom. So, by the way, the fact that you keep having to push those pants out. Shut the fuck up. Because they're so. I'm going to tell you about my dad eating my mom's pussy. Oh, great. Can I jerk off?

you're doing it. Then now you're like in these pants, huh? A lot easier. You don't have to roll those things off. Dude, to take these jeans down is a problem. You've got to cut them off. That's how you know you're wealthy. Your woman's going to scissor those things off tonight.

Anyway, so me and my brother are in one bedroom. My other brother, Steve, is to the next bedroom. There's a bathroom to my parents' bedroom. And as a kid, I would just, Like I was a mama's boy. I was the last boy. So I was like five years old. They run down in the hallway.

I go to use the potty. And I can hear something. My parents' bedroom. So I put my ear to the door and I just open up. They didn't lock it. So there's no locks on any other door, except for my parents' bedroom. They didn't lock it.

Sometimes if they didn't lock it, they weren't doing anything. And I would just jump in the bed. And my dad would go, Son of a bitch. Yeah. Because he's got to get up at 5. My mom's a night nurse.

She'd be fine with it because she's like, this is my baby. Yep. Get in here. Come my little womb. Head lock? And I'll hold you. You know? Headlock.

And I'll have a headlock. Headlock and jerk you off. Dad, get out of here. My turn. I want my mom the headlock beat me all. So one time I just opened the door. And my dad is. he's going down on my mom

but the cover can you tell this part of the story slowly? Yeah okay hold on slow down He's underneath the cover And my mom goes Tom get out of here And my dad just stopped moving And he did one of these

Yeah Under the cover and it was like that That scene in Star Wars Where he gets frozen against the wall And he stops And I could see the outline of my father in my mom's crotch. I have to tell you,

I don't like his style of eating pussy under the covers. It gets too hot. I don't like it. Of course. But he's got three kids that are going to barrel through the fucking door.

But then he shouldn't have been eating her pussy to begin with. Well, she was having a good week. Maybe she's going to race, Josh. Maybe she fucking hurt, dude. You're right. I'm not saying you're wrong.

Yeah. I remember the under the cover you're eating pussy coming up from under the covers after that it's like you've been underwater. Yeah, it's a sauna. Oh my God. Yeah, a little fish on. Not a fan of that at all. It's nice. No. Well, it sweats out the toxins.

What? What when you're slurping all that fucking disease? It sweats it out. Slurping? You're doing it wrong. I've been watching fucking young porn. Your dad? Young porn. I haven't watched my father. Have you been crazy? Young porn's fucking bananas, dude. I don't know what that means.

Young porn? No, I mean, like younger kids, like 25, 26. Like, these kids are watching porn that, like, we didn't. They didn't do shit like that. There was no spitting. The spitting, I'm not. Eating ass and fucking blowing bubbles and shit. There was no throwing up on balls.

There is now. Oh, there he is. Check it in. There he is. You're throwing up on balls. He was like, let me get in on this. Make sure everything's recording. There is old ball throw up.

That is, let me ask you something. Have you, has a woman ever done anything in bed where you're like, nah, I'm, yes. Tell me. Specifically that right away. The throwing up on the balls? No, no, no. But like when it's way too aggressive right away. Yeah.

Where it's like, that kind of stuff is like, I get it. I love it. It's sexual, but you have to have a connection. It can't just be a slam. pig that you met in a fucking alley in Philly. Can't just be some girl out of nowhere just immediately spit. Yeah. It's like, well,

I don't cobra this. Like, it's just like hang out and like get into the fucking motions. Yeah. But there's also what we beat off to is exactly that. So these kids are watching porn. We didn't watch porn. I ironed out a fucking I found magazines in the woods.

On the tracks. Yes. In the woods. I used to tell like Jacob was like, you didn't watch porn. I'm like, no, dude. But if you went into the woods and you stumbled upon the right tree, you were jerking off in the woods. Yes. Yeah. That's it. You see you crumpled up fucking.

Fuck yeah. Yeah. Be Christy Canyons. Oh. Big old fat tits and just whack off on a tree. I, I'm not. Because where else are you going to do it? No.

I'm sharing a bedroom in a bed with my brother. Yeah. Where am I going to beat off? But you're also, you're feeding the birds and the squirrels. Right. Right. You're not wrong. Yeah, you're welcome.

Yeah. Is that when you came? You're like, you will, I would have never, and I'm glad this wasn't around when I was single. But somebody calling me daddy is not, I don't get that. Yeah. That's my point. They're being, they're being injected with these sexualized wordplay and like over-sexualized motions. Yeah.

That creates a monster where they think every man wants this. Every girl wants this. Yeah. And then when you meet someone that's a real person. And you're like, suck that dick. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. How about I finish my wine? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're at Applebees. Yeah. What?

We're happy hour, dude. We're half a flaps. Yeah. Yeah. So you have a whole generation of these fucking animals just being over sexualized. And it's like, it's not, I don't know. I don't mean to be like, it's not 1950, right? Right.

So I'm not acting too intense, but they get fucking nuts. I've been out of it for so long, dude. Yeah. It's been out of it. 22 years this year. Yeah. Oh, shit. I can't believe how good Beth looks, dude.

Yeah, she's amazing. I cannot believe how good she looks. Yeah, she, I mean, you out kicked your coverage, dude. You look like. I'm wearing her jeans right now. You're a, yeah. This is how good of a father you are. You're wearing your wife's jeans, your son's shoes.

Yeah. you're just a good pop dude I want to this is this is this is this is what this is man you're just a good dad Josh Wolf the greatest dad of all time your daughter's t-shirt

she could maybe yeah and your grandchildren's bracelets these are this one for sure so what is this about what is it where the bracelets are probably you know I just pick like just feel it

like this one I got in these two I got in Greece the Beth Boff are me this one this one one one one one of my grandkids gave me and um this one i don't know but i cares yeah cares i mean this this one i'm i would like to get rid of my grandkids made it oh the one you shouldn't get rid of i mean no but it's it's the color it's the combination yeah it's the worst yeah it's not matching you're black on black what do you're black what talking about you you are by the way

I know you're giving me shit about I'm not giving you shit but I was genuine about all that I want to let you know I don't know if people know this but sometimes I'll text Tommy and I'll be like cuff these jeans or don't cuff them I there all the time

I'm like what you think about this yeah and you're like sometimes you're like no cuff yeah yeah it depends on the color does yeah yeah yeah cuff on this one I like the cuff you know why You're dumbing it down.

And the light gene to the light sneak, a little colored... You think I should have gone black gene, dark gene? What? You think I should have got dark gene? No, I actually like to like gene. Oh, thank you very much. Yeah. Look at that, everybody.

Yeah. Nailed it. Cut that too. Dude. What have we got like 15 minutes of usable content? Well, how long have we been talking? 20 minutes? We're going to keep going.

Yeah. Until we can get an hour of usable content. We're doing two hours. Let's go. Yeah. I mean, I should have brought some... What do you got to do? Nothing.

I don't have anything. I have shows tomorrow, Saturday, and Sunday. You want to promote those right now? Will this be out tomorrow? No. Yeah. Just say thank you for showing up at my show. I appreciate you guys.

Yeah. Thank you so much. Yeah, I appreciate it, guys. Yeah. But the shows are like... Like, every show, what I love about what we're doing right now, every show is different. If you came to five of my shows, they would all be different. Yeah.

It's, that is great. I'm having more fun now because I genuinely don't give a fuck. Yeah. Isn't that wild? Crazy. So when I first met you when you asked me to open for you, like, I was so constricted to the confines of like, this is what you do. You write a joke. Misdirection.

Do this. And I'm like, it wasn't me. No. Now I'm having so much fun. Well, here's the thing. Tommy offstage and then what I was watching, you were always a great storyteller and all that shit. But I was like, where's the lunatic? Yeah.

The lunatic is like such a great party. Yeah, yeah. You know? And like for you to be free enough to just to be that dude, is that what you're doing on stage? That's a goal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you, how often you get on stage here? Like four or five nights a week. Oh, that's play. Yeah. You go on the road? I'm just starting this year. What's it like being in those huge places with Shane? Ah, man.

Electric. It's fucking great. It's crazy. It's the best. It's so different, though, because I did some huge places when I toured with a cable guy, right? We did like 53,000 people in that. In that experience is amazing. But if you're asking me where I have more fun.

it's in front of at a club in front of 300 people where it's super intimate I hear you I hear you where it's you're right everybody's right on top of each other I think I think would change situation it's a little different for me because it's his boys like it's just all of our best friends yeah for the most part and the whole process leading up to it the flight hanging out the hang right the hang the hang the green room hang getting out Of course it's not as intimate. It's 30,000 people. So, you know that fucking crazy, dude.

It's crazy. It's crazy. But it's not as, I thought it would be a less, like, for lack of a better term, I thought it would be less intimate while telling the story because you can't hear the reverb off of small walls. But like, they're just invested. Yeah.

You have to accept that the noise isn't coming back at you. but they're still like fucking Shane's fans are dude animals the best the best in the business and they're outside of Kreiser with like they're boosers they love comedy they're loyal they fucking Shane has but they're there to laugh and party yes that's it yes they're not like uh there's I mean there's certain headliners that can run a stadium

or an arena that I think probably just want to go see a thing yeah whereas I think Shane has like the most fans of comedy that actually sell out a fucking arena. I would say the difference between him and some of the people that sell a lot of tickets is they're comedy fans, not podcast fans. Right. Right? So they came because they like the comedy.

Yes. Because, right? Yes, yes. That's a huge difference. 100%. When, like, I don't have a podcast. The people that are there laugh because they're there for fucking. jokes. Right. Right. That's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a big difference. Yeah, so there's a separation and going, I saw this guy doing this thing, I saw this guy doing that thing. And just a hodgepodge group, Shane has fans that are just like, this is stand-up. We love stand-up. You're hearing roars from the fucking 300 section. It's so crazy.

It's fucking the best thing in the world. I remember when I did that show with cable guy and I went up first and I'd obviously never been in front of anything near like that. I actually guess it was a circle stage or? It was No, it was at Hussker, Cornhusker Stadium. So, dude, before the show. Nebraska?

Yeah. I just wanted to let you know I'm not just an East Coaster, dude. Before the show, right? This was for his Comedy Central Special. It's like, you're not even talking about it. No, I'm not. Yeah. Before the show.

And this is on, you can see a clip of it on YouTube. The bit was this guy was going to parachute in dressed like cable guy. Yeah. And they had a pre-recorded. everybody's Larry the cable guy I'm coming down to see you right and so the guy who was parachuting what he had made it this is his last jump okay he's an older guy he was like this is great so he parachutes down you hear cable guy hey everybody this cable guy I'm coming down to see you and then you feel this huge wind oh no and that's exactly what the guy who came with the parachuter

said he goes oh no and you just see him start to drift and we were like oh no because he's supposed to land and then run backstage run on the field run behind the stage and then cable guy comes out dressed the same yeah this dude missed the field and when i tell you you know those college football stadiums it's just cement yeah he hit cement stands he broke his coxics right what the fuck is that it's something something near you dick yeah and the paramedics were about you just yeah i'm old there's the the paramedics were like gonna run out but people were like wait wait wait we need him to run back here for the special do you know what i mean or else the whole opening shot's done yeah so he took this dude up he

he dude he sat everyone was like i forget his dave dave and the dude just fucking he was out like this and then just sits up like the undertaker yeah yeah and everyone was like Because when he hit the stands, nobody, nobody in Nebraska knew, but when they were like, yay! And then when he hit the stands,

it was like, oh! And then when he sat up, they were like, yay! But it was fucking crazy. So he ran to the backstage and then... Ran?

He made his way. He made his way there. You know what I mean? Damn. You got to feel bad for the producers going. We're going to hold on 20. We're going to hold on 20. We're in front of.

Bert to get there? The, the being on stage and telling a joke and hearing laughter and then go into my next joke and then more laughter coming in because they are so far away in that stadium. Yeah. Was crazy. It's weird. Yeah, for sure. It was crazy. Yeah. But there's like, people think there, you can't see anything. You could see like the amount of faces you could see. Yeah. Around that round, it's, it's more than a comedy club. I remember doing the round at Mohegan Sun. How did this, does the stage move or do you move? No, you move. So the first time I did it,

I got it. I got all. The first, I did Pittsburgh, Cincinnati, Albany, um, Buffalo, San Fran. I forget, like, I did one, one arena where I thought

I didn't think the stage was going to move. I just thought that they would just rotate. The people? The cameras. No, no. So like, regardless of where, your perspective was. Yeah. And I thought I had a good set.

I had a great set. And Shane's like, and she goes, you got to move. I didn't want to. Yeah, I know. I'm like, I mean it.

Because you know you come on stage going. Yes, the first time I did a show in front of 25,000 fucking people. Yeah, of course I know I have to move. So half the crowd just, just staring at my back. That's.

And on camera, it was just your back? Well, they could look, so half the crowd could look at these screens to look at my face. But, like, you know, there's, there is a choreography of going, all right? I got 15 minutes, right? So 15 minutes, you're, if you're, if you're not used to doing theaters, you're on a stage, you sit there. This to this in 15 minutes is choreography. Doing a fucking 30 feet, 40 feet loop in a circle stage in front of 30,000.

of people. That's choreography. Yeah. You know what I found? I had no idea how tough that is. Tougher, it makes your comedy harder because I was like, I need to kind of, when I know a punchline's coming, I want to be kind of still. Yes. Because I don't want to fuck

up my own punchline with the movement. 100%. So it did. I remember the first time cable guy, I was the opposite. Cable guy was like, slow down. You're not trying to set a speed record. You're not trying to see how many laps you can do around the stage. Yeah. I was like, well, I wanted everyone to see your face.

He goes, yeah, but nobody saw it. You were moving too fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were like this the whole time. Yeah. But, but yeah, it definitely is different. It, I, but I still prefer a low ceiling club. Do you know, the club we started at in Seattle was called the Comedy Underground.

And you could still smoke back then. And it was a basement. And by the late show, there was, there was a, a, a, a, foot of smoke. Yeah. To the ceiling. Yeah. And I was like, this is the fucking best.

Yeah. Because you were in it. Oh, dude, I never know. I sure if I ever told you. So the guy who owned the comedy underground was a guy named, we called him Swanee. He was a lefty catcher in the Orioles organization. And you know how lefty catchers don't. Yeah.

It doesn't work. No. It doesn't. Right. And so, but he knew all the baseball players. And this is obviously before cell phones. And so players were going out after. games and they all came to his spot we were in the basement one night doing ecstasy with a bunch

of the yankees and as you do and one of the guys we were like let's do another hit and one of the guys was like if i do this hit i'm not playing tomorrow and his you know a couple of his teammates like don't be a pussy guess who he didn't play the next day really yeah he took it yeah yeah he took it He took it. But those days of comedy, dude, in that basement, no cell phones. Watching guys like Brody and Joey, like, shaped their crap was fucking crazy. Yeah. It was so cool.

Brody, dude? Did you ever meet him? No. No. Never met him in person. He one night gets on stage and he's bombing. And he was the funniest when he snapped. Yeah.

and he goes he was like guys do you know he starts going living alone he goes do you know how hard it is as a single man to live alone to shave my back he said i've got trouble spots and he lifted up his shirt and there were just patches of hair on his fucking back and i was like dude you i don't know if you planned that but that's the fucking funniest thing he brought a homeless clown on stage one night who threatened to kill all of us he he was like a true homeless clowns homeless clown what it looked like is it looked like he went to a party as a clown and then sat in the street and never went home like he still had a little bit of makeup yeah you know it was not great yeah but he was i've been to an irish pub i know exactly there's a homeless

clown she's she's right in there oh my god dude are you gonna at 49 are you gonna get married Is that something you want to do? You want to have kids? I want to have kids, yeah. I'm getting married in October. What? Is that real? Yeah. Get fucked.

Okay. That's awesome, dude. Yeah, that, wait. Where are you doing it in Philly? No, New Orleans. No, really? That's where I got married. Is that real?

Why New Orleans? Is that where she's from? No. We like New Orleans. For real? Yeah. Dude, we got married in New Orleans. I mean, that was where the movie was shooting, too.

I can show you all those places if you want to see where they shot. So what Josh is referencing, Josh recommended me to his wife's Netflix film. It's a very talented woman. And I did an audition for a Southern Nashville record producer. Yeah. In a hotel room while me and my girl were fighting our asses. off.

So she had to film it because I was on shoot. Oh no. Oh yeah. So I was on shoot for tires. I was in Westchester for tires. Was she reading with you? Yes. Oh, Adam. And in a fight. And we were in a fucking hard fight.

So then anything I did, I was like, I like that. She goes, no. I don't like what you did there. And I'm like, right. Run it back. And then we just, I was like, I got to go. We got to go. We got to go.

I only have like, I did like 45 minutes. I was three days late on the whole fucking thing. Dude, that is. I've never ever had that experience. Having your girl read for you, I recommend you never do. Having bed, reading with Beth because she's a director. Yeah. Is like, oh, it takes you out of your just normal rhythm.

Yeah. It's like, well, you asked me to do this because of who I am. And when you put someone like that in the room, I'm not who I am anymore. Yeah. Now I go, oh, how are you feeling? Yeah. Even if I'm not... Who do you think I should be?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Who do you think I should be? Why don't you tell me who I should be? You're getting married in October, dear. That is fucking congratulations. Thanks, pal. Does she know?

I haven't told her you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to headlock her over there? As soon as this is not released, we'll let her know. You're going to walk her down at the up top. And when you say, I do, you're going to get everyone to headlock. This is a bunch of friends going, why are they all here? I'm never going to get that visual out of my fucking head.

Shut up, babe. Say yes. Say yes. My dad's waiting in line. Do you know how, I think about this, how patient the women who are with us have to be? Yes, of course. I mean, Beth, to put up with me for 22 years. Crazy.

I can't fucking believe it. And to look the way she does and to be as smarter she is and the talented as she is. Yeah. And to know that she could drop me tomorrow and pick somebody up way better the next day. The next day. It wouldn't even take that long. Okay. Take it easy.

No, dude. You would see a salt line from one Indian tear from her face. That wasn't real. And she would have four dudes carrying her. Oh, my God. Yeah. And so, of course. That's crazy to me.

Yeah. I also. I'm really hoping. I know she's going to, this is like going to snowballing to more work. I'm ready to just be a kept man. That's nice. Do my residency in Vegas. Yes.

It's a dream. Oh, my God. You got great kids now. I know, dude. Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson? Oh, right, right. Yeah.

Thank you. Sorry. There it is. Who's, by the way, whose date rate glasses are these? Do you think it's me or? Chris. Right. This, does he wear these, like, as a joke or for real?

Send them. These are fucking real, dude. These are also pretty sick. Are those the Eclipse classes? What are those? I don't know. Dude, those? Probably a sponsor that we forgot to do an and read for.

Those are, that is a, if, that is like somebody who's wearing those definitely has roofies. Also, I could hate. you hard ground balls and make you a good fucking in those shorts too yeah I got the whole did you outside of this when you were growing up

this is because I'm going to dinner everything else works this is what you're wearing to dinner oh yeah the all I put the shirt on where you're gonna taco cabana where do you think we are Josh Texas yes so so I'm supposed to know where you're going to

I want I'm going to I am going to Terry Blacks this weekend oh wow flexing again huh You know, Terry Blacks? Dude, Terry Blacks. Yeah, it's nice. The best barbecue.

I'll fight anybody. No, I won't. But, dude, your hat already has enough sponsorship. Does anything? You're wearing a Terry Black's fucking hat. Okay, I didn't know. You think I don't believe any of this shit? You're about to spill?

Cutting it. Do you think? None of this is going to be anywhere. Do you think I'm sponsored by a barbecue restaurant? Yes. Absolutely. Because I don't believe anything you're telling me. I am not.

Listen, this is the body of a dude who he's barbecue. Do it. A pit master sees a guy built like you, goes, the fuck out of here. Get him two burnt ends. Get him a fuck out of here. Let him lick the fort. Give a couple calories of this. And he's getting out of here.

That's hard. I'll tell you, dude, my top weight ever, 196 no 196 how I had what's your top weight I can't imagine

did you ever 210 it no 194 195 yeah 196 I was working on

Chelsea lately yeah and I did that show with you yeah yeah dude I had

had you come out and do my fucking show yeah yeah dude they were like Who? Yeah, of course they were like who.

Tommy Pope. Yeah, he's the best. I honestly, the way I cast that show was all my, just Joey Diaz was like, but they had to cut because he swore all the time.

Joey's part of the show. I introduced him. And he said goodbye. Ryan Sickler and I laugh about it all the time. He was like, dude, it was me and Sickler and Joey and one other guy. But Sickler was like, you remember Joe?

Joey was on your show and I was like they cut he was like hey I'm Joey and then he was like see you later cocky yeah I eat my age yeah I yeah I well you did Chelsea you did Chelsea you did Chelsea

you didn't do Chelsea you did my show I did your show I when I was on her show I had never I'm sorry I'm confusing Chelsea with the other the other comic that was on the panel uh I don't know, she was like a dirty blonde.

I don't know. Was it Saratiana? Yes. Saratiana. Yeah, yeah. She was a real bitch to me. No, she was not. She was a bitch.

She came at me hard. She's very nice. She's the nicest person in the world. Yeah, I bet she is. She came at me like I was jamming in a war locker. You mean on the show she did? Yeah. Yeah, well, that's what she was supposed to do.

The fuck out of you. She's one of the best roast writers in the world. That's not a compliment. Yes, it is. It's hard to take you seriously with those fucking glasses. It's not. I mean, I did it for as long as I bought it's a good toss. It'd be like if I was wearing, who's are these?

These are yours. These are yours. No, there's the dogs. Did you meet the dog? No, do you have a dog? Is German Shepherd here? Nah. Yeah, I honestly, when I was opening the gate, I was like, I hope that I don't have a fucking dog.

The wrong place. Oh, are you scared of dogs? You love dogs. I love dogs. Yeah. But I don't know what the dog is like. Right. You know what he makes Jews or not?

Yeah, dude. And he's a German Shepherd. Yeah. You know, so I'm not sure. Now, this one's nice. It's a Jewelman's Shepherd. Cut that too? Yeah.

All right, we're down to 13 minutes. Where are you going to dinner? Huh? Where are you going to dinner? Not sure yet. What can Beth and I get you for your wedding gift? Let's talk about that. I don't know.

I'm already like an old man. I don't really care for anything. So you want like a belt? A couple belts. Some socks. Yeah. But by the time I can use it, I might be dead. The belt?

Yeah. Oh, you're too fat? You don't need a belt? It just... Oh, no. I thought you meant to beat my kid. Oh, no. Did you get a belt?

Growing up? Yes. No, we didn't get belts. Yeah. Yeah, we'd flop around like fucking salmon on a dock. Where did he... On the ass? Yeah.

And then we'd flip. And get you on the dick? Flip. thighs no you cover what so oh you flipped so it didn't get hit twice in the same spot yeah and how many would you usually get uh oh my god i don't know if it had eaten your mom's pussy earlier in the day was it usually happier no that's a good part when he was underneath the covers he was not going to get the bell If dad's munching, dude

Dad's munching, we're not getting crushed. No, I mean, like a few. A three, four, you know? We definitely never got that shit. Yeah, it's not great. No. I, I, people have asked me, they were like, did you spank your kids?

And I was like, no. Yeah. If you, my thing, look, everybody's got their own. But I felt like if I needed to hit them to get them to listen to me, I was doing it wrong. Right. You know what I mean?

And I don't think for me, I've never liked to, I didn't want them to be scared of me. I remember being scared of grown-ups. And I didn't want them to be scared of me. That's a healthy mentality. Yeah. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm also not saying my father was wrong. No, I don't think.

This is a thing. I also think it was a different time. Absolutely. Yeah. And mayhem. You locked two fucking kids. My brother was only two and a half years or one and a half years older than me. four years difference in school.

So we're like two adolescent teens. Yeah. Growing up in one box, you know? Oh, you went after each of? Yes. Dude, I can't sleep unless I turn my back to my woman. It's been like that. Because your brother used to fuck you in the ass?

No. I wish I had some type of pleasure. Because you couldn't look at your brother. Oh, yeah. There's no fucking way. That would have been weird if you guys did fucking... Yeah, just staring and just going. Dude, that's silence of the lambs.

What are you doing? Look who's up. Look who's up. If you just woke up and your brother was just staring at you? Yeah, dude. I mean, it's the same fucking thing. Yeah. It's the same fucking thing.

It's like you can't. And it's a small twin bed. Yeah. We're sleeping on a bar napkin, dude. Oh, my God, dude. We had a battle for each other. We had a little more space But my dad

Like we didn't grow up with any money for sure Like we didn't my dad didn't turn on The electricity in the winter We had to cut wood And he had we had wood stoves Yeah So we had to cut They would drop this bushel of fucking wood

In our front yard And my dad would be like It didn't matter when they dumped He was like Get your shoes on Bring in the backyard Cut it And we were like it's snowing

He was like cool Yeah Go do that Yeah But but He Yeah that wood stove I fucking hated that

that rules though does it does it we had kerosene heaters kerosene heaters yeah you just fill kerosene into like in the old west like a lantern no you like on the organ trail yeah yeah it's like a large lantern who would give off

no pretty decent heat though did you all huddle around it like yeah yeah the wood stove heated up one room I'm going to call my mom right now This car ride home is going to be fucking nuts Ma, yeah, hey don't, hey don't, you're everything good? Let me talk to dad real quick.

Curseen ears. You want to talk about that? Did you get an allowance? Uh-huh. No. You didn't get an allowance? No, we worked. As a 12-year-old, you worked?

I was cut lawns. We cut lawns too. Yeah. We cut laws and shoveled. Yeah. The fucking The shoveling. After they plowed and the front of the driveway is like nine feet tall.

Yeah. Was. Yeah. You worked. There's no allowance. We got $5 for doing chores around the house. Oh, wow. Yeah.

We were rich. Yeah, that is wealth. That's wealth. Oh, yeah. Five bucks. Absolutely wealth. I would go straight up to a place called Watrobas. And I would buy comic books and steal candy.

Yeah. Look at the comic books. Candy in the pocket. always show them what you're buying. Yeah. So you can put that shit in your pocket. I stole candy at 7-11. Little penny candies.

Penny candies. Individual now-lenders. No, dude. Charleston chew. Right in a fucking horn. Charleston chew's, dude, suck my dick. Don't even talk about it.

You don't like him? Oh, I love him. Dude, I would steal Charleston. Freeze him? Fuck yes. Got to freeze them. Freeze them. Got a freeze him.

They also, my brother would freeze him, and then before he ate it, he would hit me once with it. Because they were right on the hamstring, that would make like a, You remember what's called the grants? 100 grand? Now, let me ask you a question.

There's two people, some people call them 100 grand or $100,000 bar. My mother used to call him $100 million grants. That's wrong. Well, she's night nurse. Yeah. And I would crow hop one of these from the kitchen to the front door with my best friend would come in the door and smoke him. and there's just a plane of glass around him.

And if I didn't hit his chest, dude. And we were high school baseball players. So, look, I was giving it my all, dude. I was getting it my own. First of all, the visual of the crow hop, how far, like, away from the door were you standing? Front to back is probably, probably like 50 feet. That's where you threw it from?

60 feet, yeah. By the way, have you seen the video? Do you want to throw a football in the backyard? I have a torn rotator cuff. I can't do that. Do you write, do you write, Tor? I'm right-handed. I can't.

You can't throw football? I haven't been able to work out my upper body in eight weeks. I still look great. I didn't say that. Yeah. I know you're telling your grandson this, but does your grandson know that you can't throw football? Not yet.

I'm going to probably, let's see if I can rehab it. I would ask. Absolutely help you, dude. Assistant suicide. I will help you kill yourself before your grandson knows. Would you have a preferred method of assisted suicide? Is there one that you would prefer to see more than others?

No, I'd do it my own. What do you mean? That's you for me. No, for me. If you're going to watch me, if you're going to watch an assisted suicide. Oh, well, it depends on how the last five minutes of this goes. So you're saying, okay, is it going to be one of those little fucking Elon Musk kits? Yeah.

Or do you want to see a little... Or a wood chipper. That's not assisted suicide. That's murder. But if you just said, I want to kill myself. Yeah. And then you put me in a wood chipper. It's up to me.

How would I kill you? Oh, you'd go woodchipper? It's fun. I think I would Sound So that's the This is why I go hot air balloon Because I could hear you scream for a long time

I could That's good Yeah You see the last one that came out like last year Last what The hot air balloon Burning And people jumping

No What? Oh that's great Wait Are you serious? Yes Where were they jumping from I don't hot air balloon

But like like like it was just in what part of the world was it oh i don't know i don't know i was too enamoring by the how many times you watch a video uh it's like 10 yeah yeah i'm good i'm good with i don't need to watch people die in but i'll watch people get hurt yeah the slipping on the ice videos are it's the only thing i miss from living in the east coast yeah that my favorite part is how when they slip, going up is kind of slow. And then there's that moment where you freeze where you know that the drop is going to be.

Yeah, see you. Oh, and then it's like five times fast. Oh, my fucking favorite. Yeah. Holy shit. I would love to watch people run for the bus and shit where I grew up. I've said this so many times on this podcast, but watching middle-aged women fall gets me nuts.

The slow fall, when they're falling for a couple of steps. And they can't control themselves. Get fucked. That's so funny. They can't control them. They don't even know what to do with their legs or arms. It's a marshmallow.

They're stumbling and you're like, oh, they're going to catch themselves. Oh, no, no, no. No, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And watching somebody fall on the giant fat titties is like, so funny. So funny to me, dude. It really does make me giggle a little. bit. Yeah. Well, listen. When are we going to start recording?

Right now. Let me take a picture. The fact that you got to pull down those fucking shorts every time you stand up. Are you really? Is that it? Are you going to piss right now? Yeah. Oh, okay.

I don't like you standing over me like that. What if I just talk a lot of shit about Tommy while he's in the bathroom? I mean, for real, he does look like that. like a dude who would have really long nuts. I don't think I believe that he's got, there's no way. And did you see his stomach? Fucking gross.

You know what you all should do? Is like when you tag him on thing, just hashtag fat belly tom. Oh dude, if you hashtag everything fat belly tom, that would be amazing. Here he comes. He's got to pretend like he's washing his hands. but he's combing his chest hair.

Well, there you go. You don't look like a dude who would wash his hands. All right. Final notes, Josh. Well, final notes. Throw away those shorts. That's note number one. There's nice shorts.

Dude, although, dude, those thighs are kind of crazy. What? Okay. So maybe you wear shorts. Yeah, bro. Okay. All right. You underestimate me.

Final notes, dude. The, maybe the most, the only sincere thing I'll say in this podcast. I'm so fucking happy for you. Yeah. Thank you, bro. I really am. Like, Beth and I both like you so much.

I think you're extraordinarily funny. Thank you. Always. And I'm glad you're getting married, and hopefully she'll make sure you're not so much of a dirt bag. Yeah, I'm cleaning up. Yeah. I'm cleaning up.

I can't wait to see your little meatball kids. You imagine? Coming out with a mustache and you? He's going to fuck you up, dude. He's going to be five, six, like his dad. Five second. By the way, when you have a six-year-old, I'm going to be 90. Well, how tall are you?

I'm taller than you. How tall are you? What would you say your height is? Five, ten, and three-quarters. All right. Stand up. All right. Take your fucking hat off.

This might be the gayest thing. Also, you're wearing these fucking... These are flat soles. Francis. Get in here. Back to back. Back to back. That giant meaty eyes.

Who's taller? Oh, me, dude. No, Pat is fucking... You've got the wop hair. Who's the taller? Does my forehead count extra length? Stop pushing back on me. You're trying to make you shorter.

This dude said I was fifth, five, six. Well, you're shorter. I don't know. You both have crazy hair. Pat his fucking head, you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, get back. Go back. Yeah, go back.

Yeah, go back. Yeah. Put a thing down. Yeah, yeah. Get him. Get a... My hair is not... You think my hair is further up than yours?

Nah. Use this. What's that for? It's flat in the heads. Don't stop. Don't push me. Oh, we got to drink. It's like a dead even...

Yeah. It's literally dead even. Don't. Wait, wait, stay, stay, stay. Hold on. We balance water. Yeah, five ten a half. Would you say five ten a half?

It might be slanted your way, Tommy. Yeah, you got damn right. No, that's because... You put part of it in my forehead and my forehead goes down like that. You get that fucking pull. Always underestimate. But look at the size of your his shoes. Nah, dude. Take the shoes up.

Oh, now you're like 5'8 for real. You actually look taller now. Yeah, no shit, dude. Damn, it's just something... Frumpy. You're on your tippy toes. Like, you feel your heels up. No, no.

Drop your heels. You drop your heels. You drop your heels. You drop your heels. Junk your heels, dude. Where are we at? He's not as his heels, look at his heels right, right, right. My heels are dropped, but here's a drop.

Come on. Get you. Yours are down. Down, down, down, down, down. Down, down heels. Yeah. Thank you. By what?

By a quarter of an inch. Five ten of three quarters, five ten, oh. I grew up with older brothers. You didn't think I saw that one coming? That was nice. That was nice. Damn. I think you had it in me.

Come on, dude. I told you three older brothers. That's why I have these. These, gink. Unfortunately. It's protected, dude. Yeah. I told you, I'm not going to release this, but that was so fun.