Stuff Island - Kim Congdon - Stuff Island #182

Episode Date: April 30, 2025

Comedians Chris O'Connor and Tommy Pope are making all kinds of Stuff on the paytch. Each week they talk about anything & everything under the sun. Tommy also chefs up some delicious meals. It's a blast, folks. - SUB TO PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/StuffIsland - SUB ON ITUNES: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/stuff-island/id1448662475 - SUB ON SPOTIFY: https://open.spotify.com/show/3QvnmWtMlJ0ZC9uUu1Vvdk - Follow Chris on IG: https://www.instagram.com/achrisoconnor/?hl=en - Follow Tommy on IG: https://www.instagram.com/tommyjpope/?hl=en Get your first month FREE for Bluechew - use promocode "stuffisland" on bluechew.com to get your first month for FREE Sponsor Stuff Island: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/stuff-island Sponsor Look at Dish: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/lookatdish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I was just like, no, you don't know the situation. Yeah. I really confused you, like for real. Also calm down. You looked apart. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me.

You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me.

You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. You looked at me. and he was like, I don't work here. Was I annoyed? And I was like, no, you don't know the situation. I really confused you, like for real. I'm not in a race.

Also calm down, you looked apart. Don't be so fucking offended. I'll call ICE. You know what I mean? Get back there, I'll call ICE. Yeah, you ever go into like a candle store and see some dainty fucking lesbian and be like. Just calling ICE and be like,

these motherfuckers are playing games over at Taco Bell. Hey, you need to hit up talk away immediately. I love when people get so fucking nuts about it. If I'm ever asked if, you know, can I see this in like a larch or something, I'd just be like, actually we're all out of everything. People ask me every day, we're all black to the club and they're like, where's the bathrooms?

I'll just tell them. I'm not gonna be like, I don't work here and then not tell them. Yeah, instead of getting upset, just have some fun going, there's currently a gas leak. So like we're all trying to figure out like what to do next You know hormones Rashidi who hormones Rashidi he's a he's a regular at the Comedy Store But he was a door guy and he's a hormones Rashidi Yeah, okay Hormos Rashidi.

He's Iranian, yeah. Okay. And he used to work for Dornan. Not even that's an excuse. Yeah. That name's not Iranian. It's a wild name. It's a wild name.

It's so bad that every time he does my podcast, I get less views than average. Yeah. And he's so funny. It's just people see the name, they're like, they take away views from the algorithm They're afraid that FBI's gonna check it. Truly one click away. Truly one time my boyfriend One time my boyfriend Venmo'd him for dinner and wrote like for the Taliban or something and he got kicked off Venmo. Yeah, of course

Depends on who you send it to. What? Depends on who you send it to. For the Taliban? What if that's a baseball group named the Taliban? You have to switch it up. You have to say Talibani, you know? Isn't this America? Or for the cause. It's also funny to think that Venmo

has to be worried about that. Like someone's Venmoing the Taliban. One million percent that's happening. Just a bus blows up. Dude, someone does Venmo the Taliban, I'm sure. Which is crazy. Yeah. Do you think they use the pizza slice instead of typing what it is? A hundred percent they're using these. The same process we do. It's the two champagne glasses. Yeah. Just go to the shadier one. They buy weed, it's just the gas emoji, but it's just a mound of dirt.

Yeah. It's a crate and like a little bit of cash. You got to use cash for grenades. Rocket launcher. Yeah. Standard process. Cash for grenades. That makes sense. That is so funny. But yeah, he used to fuck with people at the door and they'd be like,

Oh, where's the bathroom? He'd be like, it's down the hallway. And they'd start to walk away. And he's like, the code is two five four. And they'd start to walk away. And he's like, the code is two five four. And they'd start to walk away. He's like three seven two nine two, and just add extra numbers. And you can see them wait, like really trying.

And it's so far that they'd come back sometimes and be like, what was it again? He's like, there's no code, just go in. I love that. There's no bathroom. You're not even at the comedy store. I've said that on stage before, where I've had like times

where I'm like having a great set and I'm like, who knows if I'm even here right now? I could be like masturbating 5150 in like a white room thinking I'm like passed at Rogan's club. Man, and you'd be the luckiest lunatic. True. Yeah. To not be doing that. Yeah.

And just getting fucking wet at home. Sorry, that's disgusting. Wet at home? I don't know why you said be doing that. Yeah, and just getting fucking wet at home Sorry, it's just Transferred it to the woman what home is no just like, you know You got a set tonight and sometimes you don't do you want to stay home and beat the fuck out of your bird Yeah, no, I get anyway the Taliban so Cash-h, stuff like that. Fun stuff. Oh, fuck, dude. You don't get upset sometimes when you get like,

your avail or somebody's like, hey, can you fill in for this spot? And you're like. Every day. All I want to do, yes. You know what, every week I go, next week I have like a pretty clear week. Yeah.

And then as soon as Monday hits, it's like a pod here, a pod there, doing a pod here, doing a show. There's a thingy for, I have no time to do any, I haven't, this is not me trying to be a whore. I haven't worn a bra in two months because I can't find my three bras I have for some reason. And I just haven't.

Well now you got the boys fapping, baby. Now all the shows are off. Yeah, and I just haven't had time to buy one, to go and shop for a bra because it takes a minute. Didn't you just order one? Yeah, but bras are like, you gotta put them on, and some feel too wiry, some make your tits look weird. I also have two different sized boobs,

which complicates things. Yeah, dude. You got the Google-like tits? Yeah, dude, I have Forest Whitaker tits. Like the Muppet Eye. Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah, I fucked up. I bought like a shit ton of underwear like three weeks ago.

Just like the normal thing where it's like I ran out of underwear and I was like, fuck this, dude. I'm getting like 15 pairs. One brand, dude, one brand. And I swear to God, I mistakenly ordered like 15 pairs of like tight, like sweat pants material. Oh, you can't go cotton. That's insane. It was. In Austin.

Well that's actually the opposite. Women should go cotton. Yeah? Yeah. Why? As opposed to what? Like linen and stuff because it's supposed to breathe. I mean not linen.

Polyester. Polyester is what I was looking for. Yeah. Yeah. Because it doesn't air it out. And that thing need to breathe. Yeah. Yeah. Well that thing need air Are you sending them back? No, I just wore them

You're just wearing tight underwear. I had to tear the waistband to like get into them. By the way, that's such a guy thing I had to tear the webs. Just be uncomfortable in your underwear. I don't know if you know anything about Chris, but you should be getting your underwear like a horse trainer This dude's got a fucking absolute thumper of an ass. It's a mini horse. Mini horse. That's so funny. It all makes sense.

He's quiet. Yeah. The quiet ones always are. All my words are getting caught up. The great filter. No, it's like a power lifter. How they have strange bodies. Oh, I thought you were still talking about his dick being a power lifter.

No, his ass, he's got an Irish dick. I'm talking about his fat Latina ass. Oh, okay, okay. Less respect, right? Okay, yeah. No, I was just starting to like you, dude. Like fucking power, like these dudes with like giant quads and still a tiny waist

and they got a big thumper ass They got to go like a fucking Italian tailor to get their their denims done. Yeah and underwear I'm in it. I'm like I'm in between medium and large right now because I'm starting to get some some girth in my in my my hams It's pulling down on the back of my ass, you know, like a fat people they show like a Quarter of an inch of their ass at all times and they have no idea it's out there or they just expect You know, they just they just they just live with it Yeah, and it did a tiny bit of the upper portion of my lower back is exposed It's like getting an ice bath after a week. Yeah, it's like immediately. I know it's out. It's like your dick fall

There's nothing worse than seeing like a man's lower back. It's like the last area I want to see sticking out of you get that upper back pussy that do font catching butterflies. Yeah That's where the Italian comes out Dude you should wear a shirt that's like fooboo but fooba and your back just hangs out. Yeah. Just cut a hole in it and aerate it. The big ass is annoying. If I wear a backpack, my shirt rides up.

Yeah, you're telling me, dude. The big ass is annoying. First of all, you're 40 years old, there's no reason to have a backpack on. Come on, dude, I'm on a cost. He's a white man. He's a white man, there's a reason to have a backpack. The problem is when I wear a mouthpiece, my teeth hurt.

Stop wearing fucking backpacks. I bring a backpack with a laptop in it on the road every time and I never use it. Me too. Stop with the laptops on the road. Let it go. I get it, I've done it many, many years. Why do we do that?

Because you're well rested prior to the trip and you go, then you get fucked up the first time. And you go, I'm gonna be in the hotel all day, but then you realize you sleep till trip and you go then you get fucked up the first night and you go in the hotel Day, but then you realize you sleep till three. Yeah show at six. Yeah, like I'm not writing. I do it every time Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get some writing done. Oh every time some productive days A fucking just a book this size is like six laptops to me I'm gonna bring a book i'm gonna start reading on the plane Yeah, because i'm taking a flight that may not have a television.

I'm gonna read. I have a book in my fucking my bag and I don't pull it out. I just stare at the back of the seat. Me too. I just ordered another fucking whiskey and I stared back at the seat. I think we're like disassociating. I think like when we're left alone for a minute,

we're kind of, I do this a lot. Yeah. We'll look back to your point of having like maybe one night off a week. Yeah, maybe. This is the crux of most arguments with my girl and I, it's like, we don't do anything. We're not planning, we don't see nature

now that we're in Texas. We're not taking our dog to the parks, we're not going to these fucking springs and stuff. You gotta come camping with us and floating, we do that. Yeah, I'd love that. I love to camp and I float down the San Marcos and I wanna kayak this summer down the river. See, I wanna do stuff like that.

I need someone to- You guys should join us. We all have, we're all couples, it'll be fun. Yeah, I would 1 million percent do that. I need someone, I need accountability. So this is locked and loaded, almost like a set. That's a work day for the family. Well, I kinda have that same problem with my boyfriend where he's like, we can never,

we don't have a schedule. And I'm like, I don't have a, I'm sorry. Like I don't have a schedule today. Like I'm like, you know, I have the night off, I have one pod and then I'm doing the other one tonight. And I'm like, tonight was the night we were going to hang out. But I'm like, I'm not going to not do Kill Town. Dude, you said something, Chris, you weren't here, but the last time we did a pod with her in Butterly, my girl and her and Mary Jo were hanging out in the back. And she goes, I think I'm just gonna go home

and take a nap, because I got a late set tonight. And dude, you said those words, it was almost like I paid you to say it, because I have to say that to her, like I got an 11 o'clock set at the mothership. I need to nap. I need to nap. I need to nap. Yes.

And then it's always this weird like, well, there's two hours, there's our fucking day to do something. It's like everybody has to do this stuff. You can't get up at 10 a.m. and then get all staged at midnight. You can't. Nobody can operate like that.

No. You wonder how you get sick and then you do five nights in a row. And then you're on a plane and then you're hanging out with people and it's fucking Exhaust my social battery is absolutely run out That's why sometimes I'll just go in the green room put my headphones on and sit in the corner when everyone's in there for a Little bit cuz I'm like, yeah, this is every day. It's constant. Yeah, and you can't get away from it It's not like if I'm not there. I'm not getting booked. Yeah

You know like I remember anything is huge the plan thing is the number one relationship fight with a comic It is like yeah What's the plan? It's like there's never been a plan. Yeah, there's a plan in 20 Plan yeah, yeah, the only reason I've made it this far is I never made any Yeah, one time my boyfriend told me that sometimes I'm delusional with the things I did not plan. Yeah. The only reason I've made it this far is because I never made any plans. One time my boyfriend told me that sometimes I'm delusional with the things I say I could do. And I go, that's the whole way to do it, dude.

You cannot tell me that because I've had to fight 10 years to be delusional, to convince myself to be delusional enough to be here. Yeah. That's the whole thing is the delusion gets you there. 100%. You can't change the formula now because you want to go to fucking Barton Springs.

Sorry, baby. Mommy's got a house on the river to buy. I need a running brook in the next five years in my yard. Yeah. It's like, you know how hard I worked to trick myself this bad. I'm sorry you fell into my trap. Sorry. You were delusional.

You're dating a comic. You're delusional. You're delusional. I'm me. You're dating me. Yeah. It's like mob movies and they realize the guy's a fucking killer. She's like, well, he's good to the kids. I know I'm not going to see him five nights a week. It's like that's the same fucking thing.

Yeah. Killers on stage. Oh my God. The gayest movie of all time. Killers on stage. How was your day today? Uh, it was okay. Yeah. Yeah. It was all right. Nothing. I'm seeing you in a while. You had your parents for a whole straight weekend. I did have my parents for a weekend. I

remembered, you know, why I am the way that I am. Yeah. Yeah. They yeah they have they hung out the house it was kind of nice yeah but there was all those little things where I was like you know I'm gonna like put on a little music you know and I was just playing music quietly and my mom was like you gotta turn that off dad's gonna be distracted he was just doing something no he's like looking at distracted from no he was just doing stuff and like, no, he's like looking at porn. What's he distracted from? No, he was just looking at like pictures of Italy or something. OK, I feel like he could have multitasked that one. Yeah, no, no. No, it's just the way our brains work.

Just like it all came, like as a kid, just be like, we never listen to music. Yeah. Never. Well, we always had music in our homes. Yeah, because it would be like you're interfering with my thoughts. I actually had that problem when I was younger. I

felt like I couldn't think in my own home. Yeah. So yeah, I kind of get that there was always noise and music and people over. Also seeing parents like whisper that kind of stuff. You're like, you can see like all the psychological abuse. They're like they're passed on. Like you could see the arguments they had. You know what I mean? She's whispering it to you, but you can hear the battles they had about music playing.

Before. While he was trying to work, yeah, for fucking 40 years. She's had some fear of it. She's like, don't play it. I haven't heard music in 40 years. I actually think it's that she wanted it off. Oh, okay. She blamed it on her dad. That's fucking conniving. I like that. Yeah, yeah, because it's like she can't think.

Neither of them can think with me Yeah, and I'm kind of the same way. What was she doing making cream cheese bagels? Passive aggressive comments about Bitch about your father Thinking of a bitch about your father. She's just thinking of another complaint she can't think. You're jumbling my complaints. I'm all out of sorts now. Is that window shade supposed to be open and closed? Can you turn off the air?

You ever cook and you leave that fan on above the thing and you're fucking pissed off in your house and someone turns it off and you go, oh, yeah, yeah, that's what it was. I actually like don't hate children and animals. I just needed quiet. I do that too. We just found out fans get left on the very first time we cooked in the new house that we have the vent and we steamed out this fucking place. We cooked like two ribeyes full blast. And the vent is a nice vent over a nice stove. And we just met the neighbor the day before.

She's a very sweet girl. And she texted like very softly like, hey, I'm sorry to have to say this, but when you guys cook down there, I don't know if Gabe, the previous owner told you this, it blows directly into our living room. Wait. So we're talking the highest heat, ribeye smoke.

Like the darkest smoke, the meatiest smoke, like you're doing a full. Imagine if you're Jewish in your house and it just starts filling up with smoke. You're in your shower and suddenly steam goes everywhere. I would have put on four more steaks. No, I just couldn't stop laughing. And also, sorry, but then we texted our...

Yeah, that sounds like a landlord problem, not yours. You have to cook in your home that you make. He's Parisian, he's fucking, he's French. Parisian. Parisian, that's how you say it, right? Parisian. He's fucking he's French. Parisian. Parisian. Yeah, that's how you say it. Right. Parisian. I actually didn't know that. He's on the case. But like just the thought of I just call them yuck. Yeah, they don't they don't understand smells. The French French. They do not

get it. Yeah. Yeah. Can I tell you something about that? Deodorant thing? No, they have a shit shelf. Have you ever seen, maybe you haven't seen a shit shelf? What, they still shit outside? No, they're building, they build toilets where like, I guess it's to save water. It sits on a shelf and there's just like a hole in the front with water in it and like it runs down. So you shit just open air shit onto like a porcelain shelf. Oh my god I think this is stinks I think this might be a horse ass problem because most of the

Parisians go right in the fucking hole. He needs a shelf for his ass to Yeah, you'd have to go backwards on the toilet to shit down the hole. The Verso? The hole is in the very front. Ew, I hate that. Why don't you scooch up? And how do you get it off the porcelain? How do you get it off the porcelain? It's a normal toilet bowl seat. It's just like, instead of being like a bucket of water,

that instantly neutralizes the smell Yeah, it's you shit on a just a shelf and then water like runs down and you throw a gallon in there before you go No, it would just run into the front It has a natural pull It does work through gravity or do you have to hit a flush? This is why I mentioned me architects to yeah Some guy designed this toil toilet bowl I'm sure. They just have water issues over there. Design our dumpers.

Yeah we don't, you're right. Yeah we don't. Dude the toilets in Japan rocked. Yeah. The toilets in Japan, oh my God, you go in, they have individual stalls, they completely close everywhere. You can play music loudly if you shit. Oh yeah that's crazy Wait, does that show?

That's a shelf drop down. No, no, no, no water just runs from the back ends And so it just lands on that porcelain and then it falls off No, well, you have to flush to get it to like I can't you got a time it you gotta go Lush and it catches a fucking wave There's no sticky icky. Maybe. Because cold porcelain with a hot 98 degree dump, it's gonna sticky icky. It's like putting gum on the top of the hood of a car in the summer.

Can't get that thing off. Throwing the carrots at the wall. You gotta hit it with a hose right before. Dude, it's fucking insane. Yeah, that's crazy. Can't you just Amazon an American toilet if you move to France? I don't know. I think it's like a water restriction.

The rule they like when you shit like that. Yeah. So there is like a... There's a thing that people have. They like the smell of B.O. They like the smell of like... Like a runner's puss. You know what I mean?

Well, it depends on the person, I think. I like my boyfriend's B.O., but not really anyone else's. But every once in a while, there will be a B.O. that walks by me and I go, oh, we wouldn't make a retarded baby. Yeah. We would have a healthy baby. Yeah, that's hormones. Yeah, that's hormones. Yeah. My boyfriend, every morning, he has chest hairs. And every morning as a joke to wake myself up, I

take a line of his chest. See, this is funny. Just to have a whiff. That can be, yeah, those are aromas that can be sexy even. Yeah. The smell of human shit. I don't know. Speaking of. Because it's like, the toilets work so well that you can go many, many years without like

truly remembering how bad an open air shit is. It is. It's revolting. It's smelling salts. It hits you like deep in the brain. It smells more like shit than shit does. Yes. Yes. It's stronger.

It comes with a vengeance. Yes. It's concentrated. It's like letting someone out of prison too early. Yeah. It's like this is going to be bad. You get it's like a fight or flight prison too early. Yeah, it's like this is gonna be bad. You get it's like a fight-or-flight Yeah, well speaking of stinks This episode is brought to you by blue chew have better sex with blue chew blue chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for

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and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Blue chew won't stop until every man is bricked up like a brick house. That is the mission. Everyone could use a little extra hand with blue chew. You have an extra leg. You know what I'm saying? Chris. Yeah, dude. Here's a real comment. Someone said about blue chew.

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Well choose our boys. Yeah, they're the best and they're legit You could be missing out on the best sex in your life cut diamonds with your tip, dude Even if you can't meet the girl thin penis have yourself a blue chew. Yeah, take some time for yourself I've done that. Yeah. Yeah, I've taken a blue chill just get absolutely bricked up alone and beat on the road Yeah, take it to the hotel. That's the fun for a couple hours, dude, baby Diamond tips don't stop just at home. Yeah. Yeah, what do you do after you're done and you're still bricked up like a brick house Oh for run Yeah, just tented. Yeah, tell on it. Walk around with your blue

shirt. Like a black comic. You ever had a blue shoe? You have been so so bricked up. Oh yeah. All right. Blue chew.com promo code stuff island. Get blue chew. Have a nice day. It's the best. India and Pakistan are about to go to war.

Really? It's the best. India and Pakistan are about to go to war. Really? Yeah, I saw it today. And all the electric shut off in Europe and Spain. Well, in Spain and yeah, there's no power anywhere. Why? Because it comes from... I don't know. It's on the news right now, like a couple hours ago. So there's like a power out in Europe, all of Europe, phones, trains, everything. Whoa. And something's happening right now currently. I feel like

there's other bigger wars going on. There's always a bigger war. I know. But you got to like, but they like, I feel like, like it's not in the news every day. I know. But I feel like I heard about another bigger war. Don't fucking one up my war, dude. Ukraine, Russia is the, you know... Power grid. I'm gonna tell you right now. Palestinian, Jews things. Pakistan, India, it's like you gotta come, just wait till this one's done. The NFL draft is just here, we should draft the warps.

All of Europe appears to have been seconds away from... Oh, this was five hours ago, now that they're a blackout. Yeah. Yeah, all of Europe, no power. Yeah, so it's a stink wars. Stink wars. It's the bottom versus the top. You know, can't.

Are they all on the same energy grid? What the hell's going on? I don't know. How does it is a terrorist attack? That's what they're thinking. I think. Yeah. Is it shut down their whole financial district? I don't know. That's how electricity works, right? Damn, it'd be so nice to be.

I know a lot about toilets. I bet it's so fun in Europe right now. No power, no one can do anything, can go anywhere. The purge. Yeah, it's snow day, baby. Stink purge. Dude, you could rob things, there's no cameras, everything's... You could go crazy.

I was thinking more along sexual assault, but... Oh, well, you're Puerto Rican. I'm Puerto Rican and you're a white guy. We have our own things. sexual assault. Well, you're Puerto Rican. I'm Puerto Rican and you're a white guy. We have our own things. I'm going to steal. You're going to rape. The worst of us comes out. This is just going to be doing squats or whatever he does.

I don't know. Thrusters. I was on a totally different. I thought they'd be giving away like free baguettes and stuff. Yeah. You know, a couple of free beers. baguettes and stuff. Yeah, you know a couple free beers Everyone's in the street. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, I see you're saying you're looking at the best of the people Yeah, yeah, what the power goes out you can't do anything and it's like the fridge is broken

So you got to get rid of all the drinks and stuff. Oh, that makes sense Yeah, yeah, it's a fun ass fucking time in the city. You think these animals are like post-world war two celebrating Yeah, instead of just angry as fuck like that. They're having it It's spring is sprung over there. They're probably having a great ass time. Yeah, I like this I'm it's funny if there's like a brutal war happening right? Beheaded like the streets cost of doing business. They're clogging open ones with I get Then eating it because there's no food I I Wonder what it's like to dip a baguette in blood. It's pretty basic

That is gonna feel pretty powerful. Yeah and to take a bite of somebody bloody baguette Yeah, like a warlord you mean after taking his life. Yeah, take his life and take a how was your weekend? What did mom say, dude? Are your parents pretty normal? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Nice. Yeah, they're... Oh, I think I asked you this already. Yeah, I love to find out about people's parents.

They're very normal, but they're also very abnormal the way mine are. You see the dynamic and you're like, oh, there's... There's something kooky about every family. something who's got 90% of parents. Yeah. Is that dynamic? What dynamic? It's a nurse mother that's nagging all the time, never proud of their son, but still holds this social construct of like happiness and a wonderful human being.

Wow. My parents, yeah, my parents are like dad just disgruntled Until a friend of the son comes in and there's these happy. So it's true. Yeah Dude, it's so funny when my dad and I went to that baseball game in the moment We were away from my mom. He was just cursing like a sailor. Yeah, he's like look at these motherfuckers. Yeah fucking yeah Yeah, just talking shit doesn't like him cursing now. Whoa. Yeah, but he likes it He's please gotta have like a curse in closet at home. Yeah. Well, he was also like He says it so much you can open the door without him in it

It's like saved in there Soaked in the wall. Yeah, he just goes goes to Home Depot buys a table saw and turns it on Just soaked in the wall. Yeah, he just goes goes to Home Depot buys a table saw and turns it on You gotta let a man cuss at minimum that's crazy. It's crazy. We gotta talk to your mom Tom Tom Tom Do my my my landscaping boss. I think I said this at some point in Stuff Island years ago, but we used to cut across the street from his father, we cut this nursery school, nursery school I went to, and next door to it was a parking lot where kids played ice hockey, or roller hockey, and they would throw bottles of like, bygone era. When the roller rinks? And they would throw bottles of like bygone era fucking. Yeah When they're like all like snapples or whatever coke bottles

So you'd have to go through the lawn first and pick up all the glass bottles before you cut So I was cutting that lawn after I did a sweep And then he grabs me goes go cut the century 21 across the street. I started we whacking over there while he finished Cutting the lawn On this side his dad worked at the Century 21. So I'm finishing up. I got fucking goggles and I'm a mess. I can't hear anything.

It's loud as hell. And I just heard a scream, like a violent scream, murderous scream. And I stopped the weed whacker. I wouldn't hear anything. And then I fired back up. Just keep going. Nothing. Right.

That's so good. My weed whacker is unbelievable. If I did it from start to finish, it's fucking unbelievable. It's also you can be the Angela Johnson of weed whackers. Yeah, I could. If I was a fucking hack bitch. I'm sorry. Cut that.

You spin it around just with the ear protection and the goggles on? No, no, I didn't- no. I actually didn't wear goggles and I didn't have ear protection because I thought my brothers would see me and call me gay. So I just took pebbles to the face. Blew my eardrums out. Want to hear it? Choking it. Dude his face is so red.

The visual with the mustache vibrating is fucking unbelievable. He's going to pass out. And then I would shout, and I hear, ah! Cut it off. Finally, the yelling I hear, I run across the street and sweat I run across the street he's on his back the mower is slammed against the preschool and He's holding he's holding his boot and the tip of his foot The front of his foot is just dangling oh Oh my God. Cut right through the boot.

And he's on the go, fuck! Oh fuck! This neighbor across the street jumps a fence with a big sheet, covers him, ambulance comes in. Shoots him. And covers his head. Puts it over our heads as the N-word walks away. The neighbor's like, will you shut the fuck up?

My kids are learned. We're having a Klan meeting in here. So when he was a dad from Century 21, his father runs across the street and I'm like, oh thank God, and he grabs his hand while we're waiting on the ambulance and stuff to work on him. And the whole time, I grab his other hand

and when I tell you he's like breaking my fucking hand, he's going, oh fuck! Like I can't imagine the pain. And his father goes, John, watch your mouth. Oh. Watch your mouth. So the whole time he's going. Dude, your foot's coming off.

Yeah. Couldn't even say fuck. You have to. His foot's dangling, dude. No, dude. Couldn't even curse. You can't, you have to say fuck when your foot's dangling. Yeah. It's the longest way to get to not cursing, dude. Couldn't even curse. You can't, you have to say fuck when your foot's dangling. Yeah.

It's the longest way to get to not cursing, but. Holy shit. Yeah. Fuck, no! It's just hard doing other things. Freak! Yeah. This stinks!

Yeah. This stinks. Yeah, you wind up just saying complete pussy shit. Yeah, the worst place. Mama, mama, mama, mama! All those guys screaming at us because they couldn couldn't curse they didn't think they could curse Let me say fuck. Yeah, we have a little dignity like World War one. Yeah. Yeah Fiddlesticks

God damn it. Yeah God damn it. Yeah. I'm surprised he didn't go, dad, shut the fuck up. Yeah. I kept looking, I was looking at him, looking at his foot, then looking at his dad. You should have said it for him. I was afraid of his father. I was so afraid of his dad.

His leg was cut off? What was happening? I was like, how did he drive into the school? Great question. So these old school, it was a 36 blade, so there's three 12 inch blades. One for every preschooler. And there's, back then you could put it in neutral and leave the engine running. So the newer technology, this is back in what, 98, 99?

So who's ghost riding? Newer technology, you couldn't put it in neutral without shutting off the engine and the blades for these reasons. So you put it in brake, left the engine on, put it neutral without shutting off the engine and the blades for these reasons So you put in brake left the engine on put it in neutral and it kicked out of neutral kicked out of one brake and went This and he was just picking up a bottle and didn't get his one foot out of the way Ran over one foot and then just kept running into the school running While he's screaming dudes wrapping him up with a blanket his dad's running across the street running, b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- The foot was dangling. And you can't say fuck? Yeah. Yeah. I come back, I'm like, you see how good I am? Holy shit! The fuck did I miss?

You get close to him while he's screaming, you put the ear protection leg on. Pretend I got one more hedge. God damn. I was passed out doing that wee-wrecker. No, I saw you had only, you could do maybe a side lawn left. And that's it. You did not have long capacity for the whole yard. Your mustache vibrating was hilarious.

That was the best job I've ever had. Actually, what was your first job? Number two, that was my first job. Oh, okay. In high school, grade school. Nice. Yeah. And then I was, I sold kayaks on a beach. Sick. Senior high school.

That sounds fun. That was the best job I ever had. What was your first job? I was a food runner at a Irish franchise called Beef O'Brady's. Beef O'Brady's. Beef O'Brady's. So you think you could make O'Brady's any fatter.

Yeah, I was also, I was 15 when I got the job and then I started dating the owner's son and he was, I think 17 when we met. And then we dated for a long time and I felt like I ruled beef. By the time it was my senior year, I was 18 and he was 20 and he wasn't allowed to go to prom because he was in college.

And they let me bring him to prom because I brought 50 chicken wings to the principal. Let's go. From Beef O'Breeze. Did you get O'Brady's beef? No, I got him chicken wings. He asked for 50 flips honey barbecue. I meant O'Brady's beef. Like dick?

Yeah, you knock around. That does feel like it. Oh yeah, we lost our Virginies to each other. Let's go. So you got O'Brady's beef. I lost half my virginity in a bed and the other half in a Honda Accord. Half your virginity? Same guy?

Yeah, same day. Hours later. We started and then his parents came home. We were like, let's drive this into the woods. Let's finish. Let's finish in the woods, dude. Let's go. These fucking cock. Half my cherry's broken. I had to go out dripping. Nightmare. Yeah, stem still in there. Yeah, it's crazy.

I love this. It feels like the most white trash story, too, instead of the apple for the teachers. Dude, my high school was wild. Wild. Well, when I worked at... So BFO Brady's was like, it was a pretty small town at this point and it was like the place that was like in the middle of the town. So everybody go watch sports there and drink there.

I worked there. All my teachers would go there. The local police would go there. So I knew everyone in town and I would start playing poker with like when I was 16 with the local police and some of my teachers and we would do like poker nights on the weekends. And I was like the only student there. And then that teacher that I was playing poker with, who was my history teacher, ended up getting arrested because he had a relationship with a student. I was just going to say sounds very true. And he was like the coolest teacher ever. He was definitely perverted but all everybody thought he was like so fun. And then when he got arrested

for having the relationship with a student, this was our senior year and all the senior girls made t-shirts for him. Like free free. Team team his name was I don't know if I could say his name was Teeter. So they made team teeter shirts and all the hot 18 year olds were like he should be here And I'm sure he was at home like no you guys If I know teeter. If I know teeter. He got his head screwed all over. If I know teeter. Everyone's been in that teeter-smearing. Dude, we all got together the night before, decorated the shirt, put glitter on it.

There was jewels. Everyone had a different quote on the back about him needing the job back. It was like 20 senior girls all wore matching shirts. What year was the girl that he? So she had already graduated and he was a teacher there and it was really weird because his mouse pad was a picture of him and her.

And he like on the first day of school, he's like, he like showed the mouse pad to everyone. He's like, you might see this girl in my background. She's a student. She's very important to me. Like it was like a weird speech he made. Like she might come and visit, but she's one of my best friend. He was like nothing Fucking mine. Yeah, he has a mouse pad. He's also doing

Massage them during class other girls from other class he'd write passes So they didn't have to be in the class They didn't want to if they came over and gave him a shoulder massage while he lectured us. How do you get so far? Like how do you get... Yeah he was flaunting it. My school is fucked up. I'm telling you that happened and then also my senior year they tried to teach us... no my junior maybe sophomore junior. Also name this episode free teeter. Free teeter. Because I'm on board right now. This guy right now yeah you understand teeter was the cool he also before I move on to the next custom mouse bag no big deal anyway he brought

peach in everything what's that Mel Gibson movie that's like about what women want the end of history, the world of history part two. Do you guys know I'm talking about? It's like this like dirty orgy story about like the like the Roman Empire and it's like got sex in it and he'd put that on for us in class too and have it in the background. Oh history of the world part. Yeah that. And it was really weird. Mel Brooks. Oh, what did I say? I said Mel Gibson. I meant Mel Brooks. Oopsie. What's that great Mel Gibson?

That's so funny. That's so fucked up. He was grooming a pack of fucking young kid women. He groomed us all. And I would play poker at his house on the weekends. I said it like that Mr. Teeter. And then my sophomore year, they were trying to teach us about the Holocaust.

And they did the strangest fucking thing in my school. I swear to God, they did this one, dude. They go like they're like, OK, it's like Holocaust Day or whatever at the school. You're going to learn girls are all going to get naked in the shower. Yeah. Yeah. But your shoes was what they did. Get raped. Imagine it's gas. day or whatever at the school. You're going to learn girls. We're all going to get naked in the shower. They did get raped. Imagine it's gas. But it's come. Yeah. And these are our last moments on earth. What would you do? What would you suck your teacher's dick?

No, this wasn't a teeter thing. This was just like a school thing. They had us go into the hallway. We were supposed to go in the classrooms and then all the doors were locked and it was like 60 students in this school hallway. And then suddenly the lights turn off and the doors are locked. And they did a Holocaust reenactment where we were the Jews, the hallway was the train. And then they forced us to go through these rooms

and watch people get like tortured. There should be a dude getting his eye operated on. He's like, I don't want blue eyes. And then you'd go to the next room and it'd be a gas chamber. And it was like a whole, they were like, the Nazis were like, get it. You know, like there was like students that were like hired as Nazis for the bit. And they were like yelling at us. They chewed us in the hallways.

Yeah. That's crazy. That rules. It did kind of rule. It did rule. That's fun as hell. I went to Catholic high school. That rules. It did kind of rule. It did rule. That's fun as hell. I went to Catholic high school and it sucked. I also really wanted to fuck the men's soccer coach and I think I could have.

Yeah, of course. I think I could have. He was 24. I was 17. Not that big of a difference. Yeah, you definitely could have. He also like hung out like at the gym. He was like a gym teacher assistant too or something.

And then one time he had a soft drink in his hand and I was standing next to him and I would flirt with him all the time and I asked him for a sip and he offered me his drink. And then I said, you don't have herpes, do you? And then he laughed and said, no, and gave me a sip. That's sexual, right? Yeah, that's very social. It's mostly you. Yeah, of course. I was being a whore. But as an adult man, you should say,

you can't have a sip of my soda. You're a child. Yeah. And I'm a teacher. Also, if a child asked me that question, I'd be like... No. Oh, the herpes thing? Yeah.

Yeah, I'd be like, go to the principal's office. Yeah, you're 17. Don't talk to me like that. Why are you talking about herpes? Yeah, I wanted to fuck him. Really bad. I was a virgin at that point. And I remember being like, I will lose my virginity to my teacher. Damn. Yeah, that's tough. a virgin at that point. And I remember being like, I will lose my virginity to my teacher.

Damn. Yeah, that's it's tough. If you're that guy. 24, 17. You're like, I coach high school. He gave me a sip. Okay. Yeah, I coach high school sports when I was 21. And it was like, yeah, that's the first. That's the first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like nothing happened. But yeah, if they just yeah, someone offered me it wanted to take a sip And they took it one one knee to hide that butter in your best shorts, yeah Do you remember any one person without saying their name? No, no, I was coaching the men's team, but it was just like, you know, No, I'm gay.

Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't believe you just said that. So nonchalant. No, I was coaching the men's team. My God. In the locker room. No girl in particular. I was coaching the men's team.

Outside the locker room before practice, there'd be the women's teams and just girls in high school walking by. Gaggle of fresh meat. And you're like, Jesus, Mary and Joseph. We had a teacher that would go in the closet and jack off a Spanish teacher. We had a lot of didlers. We had a teacher that would go in the closet and jack off a Spanish teacher. We had a lot of did lose. We had a guy? Yeah, he was this old guy and he would go in the closet and everybody's like we know he's jacking off in there And then one day someone looked and he was so he would get so worked up. He never got caught Well, I have another cry. He did well by the students, but they never like sold him out

Oh, they were just like he's fucking weird, dude by the students but they never like sold him out. They were just like, he's fucking weird dude. Don't go in that closet, he's coming. He has a real tight knit school. Okay, this school. What school is, I'll be a teacher tomorrow. If we rat on him, then none of us can jerk off. How are we gonna learn Spanish you guys?

We all lose. Okay, two more diddlers in my school. The women's soccer softball coach was dating a girl on the softball team and got fired. Two lesbians, softball coach was dating a girl on the softball team and got fired Two lesbians softball coach softball girl fired and then I just had another one. I got it on the fucking lezos Yeah, yeah, everybody was like it's fine. They're just eating it. You're not penetrating. Yeah She gonna do rub on her to death. Yeah, they're just callous mitts rubbing against each other. Yeah, it was like practice for them Yeah, yeah, it was it's it's total like mafia mentality with lesbians in high school sports.

They yeah, I feel like lesbian coaches always fucked the players. Oh, and no, and they never. It's a three strike policy. You get to get to pick two of them and then you cool it. Yeah. Then we get back to fundamentals and basics. Box out. Oh, you get the free bound rebound. Penetrate. Penetrate's good. And then it's like a field hockey situation because they're on the far field. It was lawless over there. Far field. You might as well have been in the woods.

Anything can happen far field. Yeah. And then my junior year. They can't even see us from there. I had an English teacher who was cool too. He was like really cool with the students and her and I became like best friends. Another one who would come to the bar and drink and I was like, you know, serving them. So they thought I was like cool because I'd see them drunk on the weekends all the time. So they always like were like, she won't say anything. Yeah. So the teachers kind of low key told me stuff and and she was like she would again would write passes so I can hang out with her in class. And she was a junior senior English teacher. And she started telling me after like hanging out

for a month that she was having a relationship with one of the senior boys, but he was 18. She was like, you can't tell anybody like, we're like hanging out blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, you know, kids, I'm like, this is so cool that she's telling me. Wait, he was 18 in high school? Yeah, he had just turned 18, that happens sometimes. Oh yeah. 17 or 18, senior.

And she was like, but he's 18, and that was her whole thing, but he's 18, so that's why I was like- He's gonna graduate in May, it's fine. Yeah, and that's why I was like, okay, it's not that bad. How much was she? 37. Oh, good for him. 35, something like that, she was a pig. And she's disgusting.

And then a few years ago, his brother, who's my age in my class, messaged me randomly on Facebook being like, I haven't seen you so long. You're doing stand-up so cool. Do you wanna know a secret? And I was like, yes, I do. And he said, do you remember Miss Blank?

And I said, yes. And he said, well, one day after school, she gave me a road home, is what he said, do you remember Miss Blank? And I said, yes. And he said, well, one day after school, she gave me a road home is what he said. And then she sucked my dick. Let's go. So she was fucking the older brother and the younger brother who was a sophomore. At the same time, and neither of them knew.

And I knew. Yeah, she was just getting shitfaced with BFO Brady's and being like, Kim. I'm fucking. I feel like I can talk to you. That's what it was. Dude, I had to drive some of them home sometimes. It was like a whole thing.

Oh my God. Where was this at? This is in Palm Bay, Florida. Oh man, that makes sense. Yeah, God, that's so funny. But that's all the diddlers in my school. Yeah. Imagine how prominent it must have been for decades.

Before it got big. Before technology and all that stuff. Yeah. Well, there's something very weird. Like, I understand, there's two people that are teachers. People that like really want it. There's not, nobody gets into it. That's 5%. Yeah, nobody gets into it that's like, I just need a job right now.

You either want to teach the youth and make a difference in the world, or you want to relive your own youth Yeah, those are the two people that are teachers. There's never anybody that's like I'm just here for a check Yeah, you either want to be a kid again, or you actually want to change the future And that's the only time I say this all the time that dumbest people I know from home or teachers teachers are cops Yeah, and for teachers the majority of the reasoning is behind having three months off The teachers, the majority of the reasoning is behind having three months off. And they can have all summers off and go down South Jersey and get blacked out and suck dudes at fucking BFO Grady's. BFO Grady's.

Whatever it's called. It is funny. BFO Grady's is so funny. That's basically, that's every Irish pub name. It's funny to think that just every high school for some people is like that Michael Jackson like amusement park. Dude, wild. Just trying to fuck kids. Yeah, and you're teaching ninth grade math.

So you learn the basics of math and teach it again. Ninth grade math is hard. It's ridiculously easy. No, it's not. I took college algebra so many times in college that I had to have a specific meeting with the school and be like Suck them all no no I had to have like a meeting being like there's something wrong with me I'll never graduate college if you don't let me pass math class I will get A's and everything else and they just fucking they're like get it

It was college algebra. I took it three times. How many how many chicken wings did that cost? Kid. I can't. Just sliding fifty wings across. The wings will get you far. Six pack more and they're like, alright. She's got a point. I threw in some onion rings. She's got a future this kid. Where are we at?

Just... Ah, sick? I gotta pee. I feel so dirty. They eat the wings and smoke a cigarette and shower and scrub themselves off after really hard till they bleed. Their fingernails will still have the buffalo sauce in them and be like, I can't get rid of it! While they're eating their wings they're staring out a window and just one leaf moving like they're being raped.

Oh man. You can get far with some wings. I'm telling you people. You can get far with a chicken wing. You can also get really, in this world's economy, I will say you can get really far with 20 bucks. Really? Dude, you don't have to wait.

Like a live 20 bucks. Like a good dollar. A live $20 cash. You never, even if you're at a place, no one knows knows your comp just slip the guy at the front 20 will do it Yeah, I'm an idiot. I sometimes I'm like, okay 100 bucks to get in 20. Yeah, some people take 10 You could have gotten in four other places Wow fucked up. Yeah, you'd have to send any way you say anyone Wait, what are we talking about?

Hanging off bouncers. Yeah to get into places. Wait, what are we talking about? Paying off bouncers to get into places. Oh. What are you trying to get into? You have to pay a bouncer. I was just saying a 20 can get you farther than you think. Like people will take 20 still. It's like the economy is getting worse, but people will take 20s because of that. I give 20 to the stewardess, the air pig, immediately.

The air pig? Yeah. Really? Do you? As soon as I sit down. Because it's the only way they can palm it. The air pig. Immediately. The air pig? Yeah. Really? Do you? As soon as I sit down. Because it's the only way they can palm it. There's a lot of people seated.

If you're in Comfort Plus or First Class, just give them a quick 20. What do they do for you? Thank you. They're just extremely attentive. Waters. Because there's only... You know what? Can I give them 20 to be less attentive? How many times do they need to fucking come by with that that car dude. Well. Yeah, you're not drinking

It's 20 bucks when you come down the aisle, you move. My elbow doesn't. How about that? You should hear Chris go off about this. She'll just reach in, grab his button. He's like, he needs to take his goggles off. Headphones off? Dude, they tried to do it again.

It's only like British stewardesses. He breaks the rules. What rules? He reclines as soon as he gets on a flight. As you should, I'm sorry. I believe in this. I agree with you, but that's not the rules. That's not the rules.

So, he'll recline and then they have to come by before takeoff and then wake him up because he can fall asleep. Oh yeah. In a bunker. This guy's fucking bananas. I fall asleep on planes almost immediately. That's crazy to me.

Something about when the plane starts, like I don't, the oxygen or something, I just literally like start like kind of, I feel like I get drugged in the beginning of a flight. I wish, I wish. I would love that. But they'll, they'll hit the button, like this situation. So the first time we ever went to England, they hit me, they hit the button before I was ready.

Like they were like, you need to bring it, put your seat or they, they go see back up. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And I'm like getting ready to push the button and they just hit it. And I like went up and I was, it's maybe the most mad I've ever been. It's so fucking disrespectful. It is.

Hey, your button. I, that would fuck that. That would put me on a no-fly list. I'd have the fucking stewardess in a headlock immediately. So we were flying again and I was ready for it this time. You grabbed the wrist and punched her in the fucking head. I fucking, I blocked it. Jesus. Yeah, because it was the thing where you got like headphones on, the tray table's down,

you're eating like a snack, you got a water. So you gotta like move some stuff before I like go up. And uh... I was shading it heavy, because I knew she was gonna do it. And she reached for it and I fucking smacked her hand away. Good! That's rude! Have you ever been on a fight with someone on a plane? Like another person? No. Oh yeah, me neither.

Wait, what fight did you get in? I didn't... I didn't get in a fight. Okay, yeah, me neither. Wait, what fight did you get in? I didn't I didn't get enough. OK, you know, Louis J. Gomez, yeah, who I dated. Yeah, I dated him. OK, so we were flying together one time. Not a good travel companion, I feel like. Actually, we're going to get in a fight. Yeah, quite literally the worst travel companion.

Even now, we've been broken up for five years. I'll get a text from T-Mobile and it's like a code and Louis is like, can you give me your code? I need free wifi. And I'm like, dude, sure, but like, come on. Oh my God. I was not for two years after we broke up,

I couldn't save any money and couldn't afford an apartment and I couldn't figure it out why. And then I realized that one day he got kicked off Uber. So he put his my Uber on his app. And then I also could never get Ubers because my rating was low. And I was like, what am I doing to these people? Like, I'm so nice when I get an Uber. I'm like, so polite, I don't eat. And they wouldn't pick me up. And after the drive, they'd be like, why is your rating so low? And I'd be like, I don't know. And they'd kind of be like, this bitch must be crazy

or get drunk. And then I figured out that he was yelling at the driver as giving me low ratings. I can't get an Uber still to this day. Full Tasmanian devil in there. And ordering three meals, two to three meals a day on Uber Eats for two years I was paying for him and his son.

Holy shit. So he had to send me like four grand. I had to spend an entire day in the Impractical Jokers writers room doing an invoice for my Ubers for him. So yes, worst travel companion. Good for him, dude. It's like an audit. Yeah.

Good for him, dude. It was nuts. And then- You let your guard down, doing the same. It was one of those situations where I had a seat and then all the things filled up and I had to put my bag a few seats back. Yeah.

So then when the plane got up... You have to go back and then come back. It was just two seats and I just literally let a few people go by and I go, can I just grab that? It was like one of those like two rows back, can I grab that real quick? And some fucking bitch sitting at that row that was about to leave, she goes,

well, you should have gotten a seat back there. And I was like, I literally went, that's not even how that works. You know, and then she said something else and I went, fuck you, bitch. And I grabbed my shit and I get off. And so I'm getting off the thing and Lewis is like, I think a seat behind me or something.

And I think he misses it. I think he has his headphones on, he doesn't even know what happens. And I get to the ramp, not the airport, but the ramp to get on the thing. And I'm waiting for him at the end. And I'm like, when I'm pissed, like my ears get red, he can tell like something, he's like, what happened?

I'm like, just some girl fucked with me and it's annoying. And then she walks by and she has like this little dog. She's like this like kind of hood chick. And she walks by with their little dog and she goes like, fuck you bitch, your fucking mama. And Louis was like, whoa, what the fuck are you talking to her like that? So they get into it.

So they're screaming at each other. And I swear to God, this is- My exact plan has worked. Lewis, you stand here for a second. Yeah. Nothing bad will happen. So they're screaming at each other. And of course it's like something happens

where someone's taking long on the plane and there's no one down the hallway and she spits in his face. I'm the only person that sees it and she just spits in his face and he spits back in her face but when he does it, people are coming down the hallway. And so people only see him spit at her

and dude they're about to fist fight and then there's just, dude there's just like shit everywhere like the luggage goes flying. The dog's like tangled in the luggage. I would have drop kicked that dog down the fucking hallway. Dude. And then at one point there is a stewardess holding her back. A stewardess holding Louis back.

They're screaming at each other. Louis has spit on his face. And then she- Wait, is this woman Sicilian? No. Really? Is she Sicilian? Yeah. I don't know.

I don't think so. Why? I don't get the joke. She black? No. Fuck yeah. Yeah. I said hood.

I don't know if we cut that or not. Let me put that through the transmogifier. Black. And then she pulls out her phone and she's recording him screaming at her. And now I'm like, oh, this bitch who started it is going to pull out her phone and make a video. And so they're both. I'm not being held back at all.

And I just take her phone and I fucking there's like a metal bar and I take it and I chuck it and I smash it against the wall. I break her fucking phone and I grab me and Louis's shit and I'm like, let's go. And the stewardess is like, no, you need to wait. We need to make a report. And I go, fuck all of you. And we walk out and this is at JFK

and we're walking and Louis is like, take your jacket off. Like we literally both take our jackets off. I take his hat, I put it on my head. And then you can see airport security with their like fucking things looking for us. We go separately, get in different taxis and go home and get away with it. But I smash that bitch's phone.

That's so funny. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, that was the only thing I've ever gotten to at the airport, but it was pretty big. Do you know there was a pedophile white teacher walking by going, this is the problem with our youth. Mr. Teeter came by with his student that he married.

These are the worst types of people. You know, I can't get over the fucking, you should have gotten a seat back there. That's so crazy. That kind of heckle drives me insane. Well, that's why I said fuck you bitch, because I'm like, I just flew. Don't say shit to me.

This is the worst part of giving off a plane. Nobody wants to be here right now. It's also a snarky comment that's so stupid that you can't untangle it. You know what I mean? Like what you're saying is so dumb. I had to buy a ticket. I bought a ticket here.

I didn't plan for this to be full. It would take me 20 minutes to explain how stupid that is. We're not gonna talk about the intellect of that individual. You already know enough. Oh, and then she kept saying she was gonna call TMZ while she was filming us. and then I didn't know if she was famous or she thought,

she knew we were comedians, and I was like, we were in the back of the plane, dude. TMZ's not gonna care what we're doing, I promise you. Yeah, it's not that important. Yeah, I got you. Just that afraid of the police. Yeah. No, the only policing I do is like when somebody

has enough balls to start walking before the road. I always go, wait. And everybody has, like, they don't have the balls. If you have a layover and you say I have a layover. That's what I said. First thing I ask, are you trying to catch a connecting flight? Yeah.

And they're like, no. I'm like, well, do you know how this fucking, then I go nuts. Me too. Have you never been on a flight? Do you know how this works? Me too. It goes aisle by aisle.

And then my girl will grab my wrist like, relax, huh? And I'm like, well fuck that. Because when you do it all the time, you're like, get it together because I have to do this every day. Yeah. Yeah. And they think you can just bully everybody. So I just put one leg out and then I just bump into them.

Yeah. You know, and I try and cause problems. Yeah, you got to close it off. You got to box them out. I get passive aggressive when they go, I go, we have to wait our turn. You see how everyone went for it? Yeah, yeah. Talk like a preschool teacher. I literally go, we have to wait our turn. Yeah. how everyone went for it? Yeah, I literally go, we have to wait our turn.

And then I'll get in front of them. That pisses them off. I don't have the courage for a conversation. I just like, I make the ILC person know that they got to close out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta go. You got those eyes where you don't have to say much.

They sell your ass, dude. They know you mean business. Thumpers fist. It is everyone like because people get mad when people get up before like the doors open. Yeah. You know what I mean? The one caveat is if you're aisle, you got to close out. Yeah.

You cannot let people bomb up from the back. And you know what? Here's a trick for aisle. Most planes except for shitty fucking Southwest. Fuck you Southwest. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you Southwest. Most planes if you're in the you, fuck you, fuck you Southwest.

Most planes, if you're in the aisle seat, you can grab underneath it, there's a button under the armrest and you can lift up the armrest. The regulars don't know that. Hit them with the life preserver. Dude, I lift them up. You put that on and you puff it up

and no one gets near you. That would be so sick, you just throw it over someone and pull it. And turn it on. Fucking idiot. Now he's going nowhere. fat lady strangling the death. We did have. We did have one flight where

we have to wait. We still talking to like a toddler. We did have one flight where one lady gave such bad attitude to the flight attendants that they kicked her off and she refused to get off and then everyone had to de-board. Have you had one of those? No. A Cameron incident.

That would get me locked up. That hyped me because I was gonna be late to my show and then I started yelling, I started the passenger yelling at her also thing where they're like, man, we need to get off and then they're like, she was like four rows behind me and they're like, if you don't get off the plane, we're gonna have to de-board.

And I get up and I go, get off the fucking plane. And then people start being like, get off bitch. And then she didn't, we all had to de-board and I made everyone on the plane line up to boo her. I set it up in the beginning. I was like, everyone line up and we're gonna shame her. And we did, we were like shame her. Yeah, and we did we were like Much in the piece of shit you have to be to go I'm not if everybody has to deep board if I have to and you already have to leave

Where does she go this fat pile of shit? She was just fat unfortunately. She was thin you gotta beat her till she swells She was disgusting, dude. She was disgusting. The fucking balls. Are they blackballed forever when they do something like that? I think they're blackballed from that airline. If you do something really bad, like light a cigarette, I think you get blackballed from all of them because you're like a danger to planes in general.

But I think for that you just get blacklisted off that flight. I got caught vaping once. You got caught? No, I was in the bathroom. You should see, Chris is loosey goosey with me. Are you? I'm so scared. I vape on the plane nonstop.

Dude, he doesn't put it under his shirt. He'll just go like this. Yeah. And just go. And then you'd see the smoke come up through the open window. He doesn't give a fuck. And I do, when I'm with him. I get nervous. Yeah, I'm like fucking pretty scary. Yeah Like I got in the bathroom once We're like I it was a long I think we it was a long flight. That was a bad beat though

I think I was a bad beat but I did take a puff. Yeah. And I flushed the toilet, blew it into the toilet, and it was an old plane, so I'm like, that fucking thing's not working. And it started beeping. And I just put it directly in my crotch, and I opened the door, I was like,

this fucking thing just went off. And I just got in my best acting mode. Yeah. And this little white girl was like, are you smoking, sir? And I was like, I don't, I don't smoke. Yeah. I don't even smoke. What do you mean?

Fix these fucking planes. And then she's like, do you vape? I'm like, she's like, why does the bathroom smell like blueberry bliss? That's the thing. I was worried about the peach flavor. I smell like peaches, bitch. And I was like, what is vape? Well, I was saying like the peach flavor. I smell like peaches, bitch. And I was like, what is vape? I was saying like the most random shit.

I don't know what the fuck happened, but it's bugging me out and scaring me and my wife. And she was like, okay, what seat are you in? I just told her my seat and the rest of the flight, I was like, I'm either gonna get, you know, I'm gonna get picked up. They're gonna check your butt. Are you gonna aim this directly at my ass?

We have to check your butt. So you've been having peach farts for the last 30 minutes. You've been farting the baby. I'm like it's peach raspberry you dumb bitch. It's a different price point. All right, Kimberly, you gotta go to Kill Tony. You have anything to promote? Oh yeah, yeah.

KimCongden.com for show dates. The Kim Congden takeover of my podcast. I'll be at Skank Fest. And I'm gonna be in Oxnard and Brea, May, like I think 13th and 14th. The show dates are on my calendar, Oxnard and Brea, and middle of May. And that's all I really wanna promote for right now.

Let's go. Thank you guys. It's all I feel comfortable promoting. Yeah, I'm too nervous. I don't ever feel like I deserve it. So sorry. That's why I don't sell tickets. I'm just like, just come if you want or don't. I'm a woman.

I get it. Thanks, Bob.